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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This crisp blouse is a classic, and for a reason — it's tailored, affordable, and the non-iron fabric makes it super easy to take care of (if you can, put it in the dryer for about 15 minutes and then hang it up to dry, making sure to button the top button and smooth/stretch/pull taut any wrinkles. It's $98 today (2 for $165!), available in several colors and fits, as well as both regular and petite sizes 0-16. Brooks Brothers Tailored-Fit Non-Iron Dress Shirt
(Check out Foxcroft non-iron shirts for a slightly more affordable alternative that comes in plus sizes as well. Ladies, which are your favorite non-iron shirts? Here was our last Hunt for crisp button-front shirts.)
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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Anon
I liked this shirt when I had it, but I got rid of it eventually because I didn’t like that the chemicals used to make it non-iron contained formaldehyde. There were some articles a few years ago questioning the safety of the shirts and ironing regular shirts just seems like an easily avoidable way to avoid contact with a known carcinogen.
tesyaa
I agree, and I also find that fabric breaks down eventually in “no-iron” garments because the same treatment that makes it avoid wrinkles also stops it from flexing and makes it more likely to fray and tear.
Bonnie
This is still the only button down shirt I wear. FWIW, I am very allergic to formaldehyde and have never had a reaction to these shirts. Once washed, I don’t think there is that much chemical left over and you’re already exposed to it in larger quantities with vehicle emissions and building materials.
Anonymous
I love these shirts. It’s not just not having to iron them in the first place, it’s that they stay crisp all day.
Anon
I’d add that this is not a great price for these. You can definitely get them down to about $40 each during sales/clearances. The 2/98 is a fake special that they run nearly all of the time.
I truly love these shirts and they last years and years and I never feel out of style because they are very classic.
Also, the tailored fit is the most fitted, so if you are curvy, get the “fitted” and if you are an apple or want a loose fit, get the “classic fit.
Anon
How do you know you’re allergic to formaldehyde then? From what I’ve read, there is at least some chemical left over and if you’re very allergic, you would think it would be a problem.
Bonnie
Allergy test administered by a doctor.
AIMS
I like BB shirts, they tend to wear like iron. But can I just say how annoying sales announcements have gotten lately, BB included. Yesterday they cluttered my inbox with emails about their “semi-annual sale” being over and today I wake up to exclamation point announcements about their “annual summer clearance” beginning. I know I should just unsubscribe, but I wish we could just have normal prices set for everything and let that be what it is. I hate how I’ve basically been conditioned to want to only buy things on sale and the sales are just always happening.
CountC
I’m with you. The Ann Taylor ones are the same way – DON’T MISS IT!! Which is followed by SUMMER BLOW OUT! I would much prefer sale prices to be the every day prices and just be done with it.
Anonymous
The “new” JCP tried that and customers HATED it. Complete revolt.
Sydney Bristow
When I was shopping for a living room chair and fell in love with one from Room & Board, I was so shocked to see that they never have sales. I was trying to pick a piece in advance of Memorial Day weekend, which is a big furniture sale day. It was jarring but kind of nice to know.
I keep getting store emails but don’t open them unless I’m ready to buy something specific. So I delete my bath & body works emails until I’m running low on soap then I’ll start paying attention until they have 7 for $24 deals and I’ll buy.
If I find something I love at a store I’ll look through my deleted emails to see if there is a sale going on (which there always is).
Cat
Yep. I’ve gotten to the point where I won’t buy any clothing that’s less than 25-30% off (and then only if I absolutely love the thing such that I don’t want to risk it selling out before further discounting). At JCrew my standard is wait for it to go into the sale section + an additional 30-40% off. I’m sure that retailers know this and now design their garments assuming the majority will sell far, far below the “list” price.
Sadly, I think we’re stuck for the time being — didn’t Penney’s try the “always low prices, fewer fake-o sales” method a few years ago, but with consumers SO conditioned to expect discounts, it was a major flop?
Meg Murry
Yes, the problem is that consumers say they want consistent prices – but then that’s not how they actually behave. I know I’m guilty of falling for the “ooh, I saved $X” trick – even though I never in my life would have actually paid the sticker price, and I know very few people actually do at some stores (Lands End swimwear that I won’t buy for anything above 30% off, I’m looking at you in particular). I have finally trained myself to the fact that my local drug store and grocery store that don’t do gimmic-y “use your card and save when you buy 3!” are actually better deals than places like CVS and the big chain grocery store that are constantly running “deals” but their sticker prices are higher than the local store 90% of the time – but that’s taken a lot of time with me calculating the price per oz of identical items, which is much harder to do with clothing where items aren’t identical, as opposed to identical bottles of shampoo or pickles.
anonymous
Check out Unroll Me. It’s an email service that corrals all your ad/social media emails into one single daily email. It’s very helpful in keeping the inbox clear and reducing temptation to click and shop.
I too am wildly annoyed at the practice of marking up poor quality goods so that they can be ON SALE!!!!!!!!!!!!! for “40% off.” I miss the days where a J Crew or Banana or Ann Taylor item was expensive but actually high quality.
bridget
It’s annoying but understandable. (The economy still is anything but great, the employment rate is low, and a lot of people have a lot of mortgage and student loan debt.) So it makes sense for them to want to protect their higher prices if they want to go back to improving quality and charging more, but they can’t sell clothing at those prices now.
At this point, I just decide what I would pay for a given item of clothing, and only buy it if or when it is at or lower than that price.
Passive Husband Problem
My DH is very passive about organizing things for our family (small kids). Examples are constantly forgetting arrangements with household help (payment/schedule), not taking any responsibility to plan with his family – nothing for his mom on mother’s day, not planning a camping trip until the week before even though I blocked off the weekend months in advance.
We end up arguing about his ‘forgetfulness’ or ‘spontaneity’. He is a great dad and a good husband. Am I too uptight about this? Do I just need to accept that I will do all the planning and give constant reminders? It feels like nagging and I hate it.
Did Senior Attorney have some advice about this? Something about a marriage needing two active partners to succeed?
Anonymous
Focus on what matters. His mom gets nothing for Mother’s Day? Who cares! She raised him. Last minute weekend trip? What needed to be planned in advance? Don’t pick up the slack on his stuff.
Passive Husband Problem
Thanks for the reply. Last minute planning is hard when it’s camping – like what do we do if it’s pouring rain? That’s happened before. He will want to go even if the weather isn’t good but won’t take responsibility to plan activities. We can’t sit in the tent all day with small kids.
For mother’s day – it happened right before we visited his mom for two weeks so she wasn’t in a great mood which made my vacation not fun.
Anonymous
You have a rain fly for the tent, yes? And a tarp to put under the tent? Maybe an EZ-Up for some extra rain protection. I’ve camped through an unexpected tornado warning with this gear and stayed dry. As far as activities: you bring some noise canceling head phones, a book, and music, and direct the kiddos back to daddy.
Anonymous
Eye roll at her then. A two week visit isn’t good enough?
Scarlett
This. And my theory is the person who cares about the thing does the thing. Sounds like you care about things he doesn’t and/or have a different approach. If you don’t like his approach then do it yourself (but be prepared to always do it yourself). If you don’t want to then be a little more flexible about what happens. With camping, presuming you have the stuff, you don’t actually have to plan a month out.
Wildkitten
I think this is true but I also think sometimes the answer is the person who cares about the thing has to stop doing some of the things, so they aren’t totally overwhelmed and unhappy. So unload some of your burdens. Mr. Kitten takes the cat to the vet and I take the dog. Why? Because if the dog doesn’t go to the vet it causes major problems, and if the cat doesn’t go to the vet who cares. So at least I can cross “kitten vet appoints” off my list. I also have to remind myself constantly not to stress about things I’ve offloaded. If they don’t get done they don’t get done. It’s hard for me to do but I think it’s important.
Anon
+1 my MIL got nothing for mother’s day because by husband didn’t buy anything. She’s not my mom.
Amy H.
+2. And if he hasn’t planned any rainy-day camping activities, then if it’s pouring, you do not go. It doesn’t matter that “he still wants to go.” Tough luck. He should have planned something that would work in the rain, then.
Anonymous
My two cents is that it’s totally fine for one person in the relationship to be the planning person. I am that person in my marriage and it works great. If you are doing more than 50% of the total house/child work and don’t want to be, that is a problem, but there are lots of ways for a non-planner to step up around the house (for example, my husband cooks most of our meals and does the dishes). If he is criticizing you for nagging when you plan things, that’s a separate problem. But so long as you’re both content to have him be the passive, non-planner and you be the active planner, I’d let it go. (And depending on your relationship with your MIL, I might let Mother’s Day slide. If you get along with her really well and don’t want her to be hurt, it’s fine to get her something. But I wouldn’t feel obligated. His mom, his problem.)
Manhattanite
+1. Remind yourself that marriage isn’t about keeping score. Yes, I get frustrated that I’m always the one making lunches and making sure we don’t run out of diapers or whatever. But I know DH gets frustrated at things I never remember to do. As long as you’re both contributing to running the family, that’s what matters.
Wildkitten
Mr. Kitten *loves* to run the dishwasher. I think it is so weird, but I am also grateful to have something he will totally take responsibility for because it’s like his hobby.
Mainer
Sounds a lot like he has ADD. Has he been evaluated? If he has it, the meds can change his life, and yours too.
Anon
ADD person here. Medication helps, as does a lot of understanding from your partner.
Anonymous
Wife of an ADD person here too, this was him to a T
Jen
In our household, all holidays and events would go un-celebrated if left to DH. I view this as a division of labor- I remind him of all major events, buy or have kiddos make b’day/mothers/fathers/etc day cards and mail to all relevant parties (his or mine), buy him a birthday card for his mother for him to sign, etc.
In exchange, he does household repair work, maintains the cars (I do need to remind him of this, but he does it), etc.
My oldest is 3, so for my birthday, I drew a list of things I wanted for my birthday (new wooden spoons, a flower pot, etc–things she understands) and let her know my birthday was coming up. And put the list on the fridge. Then she bugged daddy to take her to the store. They went shopping, and spent an afternoon wrapping presents. It was super cute.
I’ve previously tried to reform DH: telling him a month in advance about mothers’ day, reminding him 2 weeks out, etc. He forgot (of course). His mom and grandma got no cards and $100+ of flowers (mostly shipping!!) ordered same day. I decided I’d rather just plan for all the moms and save the $$ of the last minute forgetfulness.
Jen
I should add, same with trip planning. DH is the best man in a wedding in TWO WEEKS and still hasn’t planned the bachelor party, done a speech, or, you know, anything.
He doesn’t have ADD; he has other stuff going on and Life Planning is not a strength.
Closet Redux
Jen, the picture shopping list is such a cute idea!
Passive Husband Problem
Thanks for the reply. My previous solution was for me to do it all and that wasn’t working. I didn’t feel that DH appreciated the effort. I don’t have the greatest relationship with my MIL and I found it really bothered me to have any negative comments or lack of acknowledgement of effort I made so I took a step back from involvement with mother’s day/her birthday/Christmas – not sure I want to wade back in.
Jen
Totally fair- i wouldn’t touch it with a 10 ft pole in that case. His mom, his problem. Don’t let it be yours!!
In the Pink
Exactly. I stepped out of it when I couldn’t win and MIL directly told her son about a gift I sent her even though he said “no.” I asked her to keep it between us. She threw me under the bus and after that complained about everything that she received. Since then she’s received exactly nothing. I stepped out. YMMV, but I’d say continue to avoid that, you have enough to do and politeness, yet along appreciation goes a long way… do what you can and need to do and then what you want to do. Life is too short to chase around things and get only negative in return.
Sarabeth
If you plan, will he execute? I do a lot more planning than my husband does, but our deal is that he does more of the execution. So, if I book the camping site, he packs up our stuff and gets the car ready to go. The household help stuff sounds like difficulties executing, though. Does it affect you, or can you let it all be his problem?
Also, if he does nothing for his mom on mother’s day, that shouldn’t be your problem, right?
blue
All due respect to Senior Attorney, but there are many different ways to define an “active partner.” Is he supportive emotionally? When he is with the kids, is he engaged? My husband sounds similar to yours in that he is a lousy planner. And I am a good planner. Sometimes I just want to say, this is your problem, take care of it. And it is frustrating that it doesn’t work that way, but that’s just how it is.
In response, I’ve off-loaded a lot of daily chores to him since he doesn’t see the bigger picture stuff like I do. So he does dishes and laundry and simple errands because they are mindless and they are part of his routine. And now I don’t worry about those things. But I plan almost all vacations, finances, child care arrangements, holidays, etc. As long as you aren’t doing everything, it’s not too big a deal if you are each playing to your strengths.
And btw, my MIL was a helicopter mom who did everything in the house growing up. So lesson learned: I need to give my kids space to run the show for themselves sometimes.
Cb
We divide stuff up this way, I do the big planning (of things I care about, see below) and he does a bit more of the daily work.
Cb
My husband is quite forgetful and I have a tendency to take everything on myself.
A few months ago, I read the Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*** and made a list of things that I just don’t care about. I don’t want to be passive aggressive so my husband and I talked about my list and came to an agreement on where my emotional labour has limits. I will show up to family events with a smile but I’m not planning them, I’ll brainstorm presents but I won’t remind you that the event is approaching, I’ll dress up as a mascot for the community fair but I’m not going to meetings about said fair.
It’s hard, especially when I know that I could do something quicker/cheaper/with less fuss but it isn’t fair on him or me.
Baconpancakes
The emotional labor bit really reasonates with me. My SO is also not a planner, but after pulling myself out of bed one night to take care of yet another chore he had started and left unfinished (laundry), I took a minute to calm down and explained that remembering what needed to be done was just as taxing as actually doing it, and that it took up a lot of room in my brain and left me feeling like a secretary. He seems to have gotten it, although I have no expectation that he’ll turn into a planner at any time in the future. Hopefully his current increased conscientiousness continues?
Regarding social events, I put things on my google calendar, and invite him to the event, at which point he’s responsible for whatever he needs to do. He’ll still ask me whether he needs to pick up wine for a dinner party instead of just buying it, but that’s fine. Its a Price of Admission to be with him, and it’s worth it to me.
Anon
My husband is the same and I just nag him a lot (not ideal, but neither is missing important tasks). It helps that he is weirdly proactive in some areas and not others – for example, he’s all about researching cable and internet providers for our upcoming move, which is a task I have ZERO interest in, and that balances out his inability to plan travel or remember to buy birthday gifts.
Anonymous
I feel you. This needs a combination of boundaries, acceptance, and forgiveness. You need to establish boundaries of what you are and aren’t willing to do and he needs to understand that planning sh!t is a big part of the business of the household. Emotional labor tends to get devalued because it’s not all that visible, unlike cooking dinner or cleaning the bathrooms. You both need to recognize the value in your contribution and adjust your division of labor in the household accordingly. As for things you’re not going to do for him, like maybe getting his mom something for mother’s day, the key is that he needs to take responsibility with his family and not throw you under the bus. If he’s not doing that, that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.
Next, you need to give yourself permission to not feel badly about him not doing things that you’ve decided you’re not going to do and accept the fact that he’s not going to do things the way you would – and that’s OK. If his mom is sad about mother’s day, that’s his fault not yours. Same with the camping trip – make sure your kids are physically safe (pack the sun screen, bug spray, first aid kit, and fully-charged multi-use chargers for the cell phone) and beyond that, check out. Put on your earmuffs every time someone complains about how last minute it is.
Finally, learn to let go of your frustration and forgive him for not doing things you’ve decided you’re not going to do. Don’t hold it against him that he didn’t get his mom anything. Don’t let your frustration ruin the camping trip for you. Resentment will kill your marriage much faster than his poor planning.
Frozen Peach
I needed to hear this today, thank you.
Senior Attorney
I had a whole reply typed out, but basically it’s this.
KateMiddletown
So, step #1 is acknowledging that the items you’ve listed (paying bills, organizing help, birthday cards, etc.) is important work for your household and counts as actual labor. So often the emotional labor is just added to women’s plates without seeing how big an impact it has on our workloads. A Practical Wedding just did a great article about this earlier this year: http://apracticalwedding.com/2016/02/emotional-labor-women-wives/
Anne Elliott
Why is it your issue if he forgets Mother ‘s day? That means his mum misses out, let him cope.
My husband sucks at planning holidays etc but I love it. But if asked, he will do what is needed as long as I direct him. But he does a lot of other stuff that bores me, so it works out. Plus I work shorter hours so I do have the bandwidth to do more.
You just need to see if it is working for you.
blue
Seriously, everyone — keep the moms happy! I know it shouldn’t be your problem, so it’s not *fair* per se, but I’d rather not risk pissing off my MIL for the sake of “drawing boundaries.” If he forgets an office pot luck, that’s not your problem, but family is family and you have to live with that.
Anonymous
Then he should have his wife’s back and take responsibility for his inaction. It’s like when the groom’s friends get pissed at the bride because they didn’t receive a thank you note. He needs to step up, make it clear that it was HIS responsibility, and apologize for HIS oversight.
KateMiddletown
I think that’s what the OP is upset about. He’s NOT taking responsibility and it reflects poorly on her entire family when he doesn’t.
Sydney Bristow
I disagree. Maybe it’s because we got married in our 30s but my husband was perfectly capable (or not) of buying and sending cards/gifts for his family before I came along. Just because we are married doesn’t change this. If he never sent them before, I’d refuse to be blamed for him not doing it now. It was fine before but isn’t now that he has a wife? We’re each responsible for our own families.
Anonymous
This, exactly. My husband was 35 when we got married and I like to remind him “You functioned as an adult for many years before I came into your life. Don’t act like you need instructions for boiling water. I know you weren’t starving when we met.”
I sometimes feel like men “lean into” the idea that women, whether their moms, sisters, girlfriends, or wives, will do things for them. Shoot, if someone came into my life and said “I’ll handle all the stuff you don’t feel like doing, and I’ll do it better than you could” I’d probably have over the reigns and let them have at it!
Passive Husband Problem
“he will do what is needed as long as I direct him” – this is key. If I narrow vacation choices down to two accommodations – he’ll complain that they are too expensive or that he doesn’t want to go anyway, or why we can’t do something different/less expensive. I could deal better if I got to plan and he went along with it but I end up planning and then criticized.
Sarabeth
Oh, that’s really not cool. He does not get to have it both ways!
Anonymous
“Love of my life, I am so looking forward to our family vacation. You know it makes me happy to plan these things well in advance, and I would be distraught if we did not have a plan by X date. I would love for you to suggest an alternative by that date so you can be as excited about our vacation as I am. If I don’t hear from you by that date, oh beloved one, I will book the option that I like best.”
Senior Attorney
Yep. This. Or “If I don’t hear from you by that date I will assume you do not want to take a family vacation and I will consider it canceled.”
Passive Husband Problem
Thanks for all the replies. I won’t crowd the thread with individual responses but the posts about emotional labor are especially on point.
DH is great with helping out with things he sees – dishes, laundry and cooking. But the same way he doesn’t see the emotional labor stuff as needing to be done, he doesn’t value it if I do it. He’ll complain that I’m not doing enough because he doesn’t think of hiring new cleaners/soccer lessons/everything for the kids for Christmas/researching and registering at various daycares is important or ‘work’ in the same way as doing dishes. I’ll take a look at some of the emotional labor articles posted.
The MIL and mother’s day was a problem this year because it’s not the first time he’s forgotten and we stayed with her for two week visit soon after so grumpy MIL for two week vacation wasn’t a good time for me. I’ve tried being responsible for MIL gifting in the past but I had to take a step back because I was putting in too much emotional labor and being hurt by negative or non-existent responses from MIL. Don’t want to go back to that route.
Anonymous
I think you need to toughen up a bit with respect to Mother’s Day. It’s pretty common for guys not to care about that stuff, and you have three choices: 1) nag him until he does it, 2) accept that it won’t get done and MIL will be grumpy, and 3) do it yourself in the interests of keeping the family peace but accept that your MIL isn’t going to shower you with praise. It sounds like your MIL isn’t very nice to you, and so I’d probably go with #2. Learning to tune out catty, unpleasant comments from in-laws is a reality of being married. I just don’t think the Mother’s Day situation is all that rare and the fact that you’re making such a big deal about it makes me wonder if you are kind of blowing the whole thing out of proportion.
Anonymous
For the Mother’s Day stuff… I just order my MIL flowers whenever I order my mom flowers. Best case scenario, she gets flowers and a card from us (if husband remembers to put a card in the mail), worst case scenario, she gets flowers (because husband forgot the card). It’s really no more work on my part because I’m already ordering flowers for my mom.
And maybe this is passive aggressive, but when I’m the one responsible for sending the gift, I sign my name first! “Love, [daughter in law] and [son]”
Scarlett
I was thinking this too – why not just get his mom the same thing you get yours? I’ve found is just as easy to handle that at the same time for both, obligation done, low sweat low drama. There are other hills to die on.
Passive Husband Problem
His mom has previously complained when I didn’t order from the local shop in their small town and instead ordered from 1 800 Flowers (or similar). She wanted to know how much we paid and then talked about how she would have had nicer flowers for the same money if we’d ordered at the small town store. That and a few other comments are why I took a step back from involvement in gifting with her because it burns through so much of my emotional energy.
tesyaa
It sounds like she is the problem and maybe that’s why he backs off from handling this task too.
Anonymous
Sounds like she will not be happy with any gift anyway, so she should just get a card.
Anonymous
Someone who complains about my gifts stops getting my gifts.
Scarlett
Ooof. That is a tough MIL. Not that you should play into her crazy, but if you want a non-800# option, I use Bloom That or Bouqs for mom flowers – I don’t think they’re everywhere but luckily they’re where both my Mom and MIL live & they look a little more boutique. But man, who complains about a gift?!
Sarabeth
Better than ‘learning to tune out the grumpy in-laws’ is ‘stop spending time with the grumpy in-laws.’ Seriously, if your MIL is grumpy at you because your husband didn’t send her anything for mother’s day, I think that’s an excellent reason not to see her very often. If you husband complains about that, he can fix it by sending his own mom a gift.
Meg Murry
Late to this, but I finally told my husband “what I want most for Mother’s Day is for you and your brother to just handle it*, and not leave me to feel guilty that you didn’t get your mother anything, or have her criticize what I got her”
So I’ll remind him that Mother’s Day is coming up, and I’ll remind BIL, and I’ll ask him what they’ve planned, and I’ll tell him what I was thinking of doing for my mother, and I’m happy to let him bounce suggestions off me – but I’ll remind him that I’m not responsible for getting her a gift.
*I amended this the next year to add “without waiting until the day before, when you and your brother go shopping and leave me alone with the kids all day” after he did this both the day before Mother’s Day and the day before Christmas
Otherwise, since you have young kids, Grandma’s are far less critical of their grandkids than kids/DIL. So worst case, if you absolutely can’t stand the idea of doing nothing, give your kids some paper and crayons, write “Happy Mother’s Day Grandma” on it, and mail her that.
H
Yes, I think you should just accept that you are the planner and he isn’t. Obviously it is something you care more about than he does. There’s probably something he cares more about than you so he is more likely to do it. It’s probably time for a conversation to determine who does what when. Maybe he plans the camping trip, but you coordinate payment for household help or something.
Anon
My husband is not really a planner either. I have to do almost all of the “remembering.” I can task him with specific items and he will do it–like I have to remember the kids need their yearly check-ups, but I can tell him to call and make the appointment. Or I have to remember that our niece’s birthday is coming up, but I can tell him to go and get a present and he will.
One thing I have learned though, is that once he does something I shouldn’t complain or criticize how he did it. So if I ask him to get a present for our niece and I would have picked something different, I don’t complain about it.
Anonymous
I think this “once it’s done, don’t complain about how it’s done” is a really important one (for both sides). If you delegate a project to someone else and they do it, you don’t get to then criticize how it got done (especially if your only criticism is that you would have done it differently!)
Passive Husband Problem
I definitely don’t criticize when he does actually take steps/action. I don’t care what campsite he books, I just want him to book something so that we don’t drive two hours with small kids only to find out that the sites are all booked for the long weekend and we end up camping in the overflow parking next to RVs.
Anonymous at 10:52
Yea, sorry, didn’t mean to suggest you were doing that. I think it’s one thing to say “I wish you had actually looked into this and planned it” versus “I know you looked into this and planned it but had I planned with we would’ve done something different.” Your case seems more like the former, for sure.
In that case, does he appear to be happy with the job he’s done? Like does he feel bad about the fact that the trip ends up being a dud due to his poor planning? Or does he not connect the lack of planning to the negative outcome?
Anonymous
Oh did that happen? Then I’d go with “that was an expensive unfun waste of time. Book a campsite in advance or I’m not going. Have fun with two bored kids by yourself”
Was he lazy and useless when you were dating?
Passive Husband Problem
He does seem to connect the lack of planning to the negative outcome but it doesn’t seem to be enough of a motivation to make a change. At Christmas, he ordered electronic (emailed) gift cards for his family on December 24 and said he was frustrated that he didn’t get something better organized but then he didn’t order flowers for his mom on Easter or Mother’s Day.
SC
I posted a more detailed reply about my less than perfect marriage below, but it seems to me that you are taking on a lot of responsibility for his/your relationship with his family. Stop. Be responsible for your own relationship with them, and maaaaybe facilitate your kids’ relationship with them–so, for Mother’s Day, send your own card or email or whatever, and/or have your kids make cards–but give up the burden of managing your husband’s relationships. You’ll never win (especially with the details you’ve told us about her). I realize it affected you because she then took it out on you for two weeks. But (a) I would address that directly at the beginning of the 2 weeks, and (b) if she didn’t change her behavior/attitude toward me, I wouldn’t spend that much time with her in the future.
For things where your husband’s lack of planning directly affect you and your kids, make it clear what the consequences of failing to plan will be. For example, for camping, at the beginning of the week, say, “Honey, I do not intend to drive 2 hours only to find out that there is no campsite available. Please reserve one before Friday afternoon, or I will be spending the weekend at home, with or without you and the kids.” He may not reserve one until Friday afternoon, and you may not go, but then he gets to deal with the disappointment.
Also, playing amateur psychologist here, but it would not surprise me if your husband’s passiveness is at least in part rooted in his mother’s criticism while growing up with her. You say you don’t criticize when he does plan, but I would also go out of my way to praise–“What a lovely campsite! Thanks for reserving this spot. It’s going to be a great weekend!” might help him feel more like being an active participant.
SC
I am also the planner, financial person, gift buyer, thank you note writer, household shopper, and overall emotional laborer in my marriage. My husband is not very good at remembering this stuff, has ADHD (medicated), probably cares less than I do about half of it, works a lot, and contributes other stuff to our family. I’ve decided to just accept that.
But I’ve realized recently that does not mean that I can’t have boundaries on what I am willing to do. So I have stopped doing things like planning holidays or special occasions with his family, buying cards or gifts for his family on his behalf, communicating with his family on his behalf, and managing his family members’ feelings. We live in the same city as his parents (divorced), step-parents, and four sets of siblings/step-siblings and their spouses, so this took up a lot of time. I don’t make it my problem to remember stuff DH needs to do, I don’t nag him about things that he’s responsible for that won’t affect me, I put his mail in a designated spot and forget about it, and I help with things that are purely his stuff only when asked. Finally, for major decisions like investments or time-consuming stuff like Christmas shopping (which is 90% his family), I ask him to set aside some time to figure it out together.
I’m also not afraid to speak up and make sure my emotional labor is recognized and valued. And DH is smart enough to know that I’ll be angry if he criticizes or complains about decisions he doesn’t participate in.
Walking in heels in the city
How to you prolong the life of your heels? I wear them for city walking only once I’ve arrived at work (out for lunch or errands). The bottom of the heels always get caught on something (e.g., the scrape lines b/w concrete slabs, transitions from paver-type sidewalks to non-pavers) and the leather on the heel gets really scraped up and rough-looking (to the point where if I were rich, I’d just replace monthly, but I am not).
My concern is that I’d like to have one pristine pair (for interviews / client meetings / etc.), but just keeping them at my desk won’t do that (and after one client lunch, they may get ruined anyway).
Any recs on heels (maybe with stacked “wood” heels) that seem to live through this?
Cat
why not slip back into flats, or low wedges, for average running around at lunch? I’d only wear the heels for Important Lunch Meetings, not ducking into the CVS.
That said, chunkier heels are getting trendy again, so you may just need to wait a few months to be able to find a variety of dressy shoes with wider heels.
2 Cents
+1 Most of the women in my office did this — especially with running errands at lunch. Some even changed into sneakers, since they used lunch to walk for exercise for a few blocks.
KateMiddletown
I just bought a cute pair of trendy sneakers to wear walking @ lunch. Brooks Coffeehouse Chariot, I believe. Also, I found the most amazing pair of Cole Haan block heels at Nordstrom Rack a while back… plain black with a stacked, uncovered heel. Wear them all the time. I rotate those with “the shoe” from Payless that everyone raves about – I like it because it’s hardy and I don’t feel like I’m ruining anything if I get the heel caught in a grate, but they aren’t the most comfortable for walking more than 1 block.
KateMiddletown
Cole Haan Edie: http://www.dsw.com/shoe/cole+haan+edie+pump?prodId=318257
CountC
+2 – I keep flats/Toms under my desk, at the front door of my house, and in the car and slip in and out of them when needed. Plus, it’s more comfortable!
Scarlett
This is what I do- work heels only in the office, commuter flats to sand from work and out for lunch.
Lighting sources recommendations?
I need to replace two bedside table lamps in my guestroom and am looking for recommendations for where to look for them. I’d like something nicer and longer-lasting than Ikea, but also not crazy expensive since I won’t be looking at them often.
Recommendations? We live in a location where the only stores I can visit in person are either Home Depot/Ikea or “designer” lighting shops that will charge an arm and a leg for a lamp that looks like smoking pig, so I’m open to online sources.
TIA.
Anonymous
I really like Lamps Plus. Reasonable prices and I’ve been very happy with the quality. I’ve bought furniture from them too (as well as several sets of bedside lamps).
Anonymous
Thanks for this recommendation! I’ve been looking for a bedside lamp for months and I think I may have just found the perfect one!
In the Pink
+1,000,000
Cat
Don’t forget Target as a possible big box source.
Wayfair or Overstock for a variety of styles/price points.
Pottery Barn for the perfect thing that’s $200 more than you want to spend.
Anonymous
Depending on what kind of style you’re looking for, Restoration Hardware, Pottery Barn, or Crate & Barrel might have something. CB2 and West Elm have more ‘modern’ designs.
Anonymous
Home Goods. The answer is always Home Goods.
anne-on
Yup. Homegoods. Have an idea of color/style and you’ll be fine.
KateMiddletown
HomeGoods always has great ones.
AIMS
Third Homegoods. Also, Target’s surprisingly not bad. I have a $24 lamp from there that I bought years ago, it’s survived 3 moves and everyone always asks me where I got it. Go fig.
Jules
+1 to both of these, as well as Overstock. I actually have lamps mostly from Ikea, but nearly all of the accent pieces in my newly bought and furnished house – accent pillows, curtains, mirrors, frames, side tables, accent chairs, a pouf, area rugs and on and on – came from either Overstock or Home Goods.
Vi
I have found that JC Penny has surprisingly good lamps that are often on sale.
Former Bolero Wearer
As someone who had no idea that bolero sweaters were out of style until I read the post yesterday ( while actually wearing said sweater) I owe you all a debt of thanks. A quick investigation in my 80 person department supported the fact that they are out of style for anyone below retirement age.
I’m 54 and don’t always realize what has gone out of style. Is there anything similar to the bolero that I should know about? Not trying to pretend to be younger but I think part of being perceived as competent at work is not looking out of touch.
Thanks.
Anonymous
Things I see on older women that seem out of style:
Suits. If your suit is over 10 years old, and you aren’t really into fashion, it probably looks extremely dated.
Blouses. Are you wearing a button down that is silky but also shiny and satin? Please stop.
Hair. Does your style require a ton of hairspray? It is time for an update.
anon
Shoes with square toes!
lost academic
As opposed to?
Anonymous
Pointy toes, round toes, or somewhere in the middle.
lost academic
I consider the pointy toed shoes pretty archaic, especially since it’s not like new information that wearing them so much permanently warps and damages your feet. I recognize it’s a fashion choice, but it’s never going to be mine.
My regular office shoes are closer to square than round, and they work perfectly with the type of pants that are also part of my standard outfit on a day to day basis. I’m sure I could spend money on something more fashionable, but I also like being able to walk normally.
lawsuited
Pointy, round or almond-toed are all more modern than square-toed (with the exception of driving moccasins in a casual office).
anon
Wear what you like and own it with confidence. Wearing something that others might consider out of style does not affect your work product.
Tonka Bean
Lots of synthetic fabrics, especially with big prints.
I also think that ankle pants look frumpy on all but the very tall/very thin. You do you, I know everyone here loves ankle pants, but I think skirts/dresses look way better and are much, much cooler in the summer months.
ANON
That said, if you love your bolero, you ROCK IT!
There is certainly trend etc, but if you really like it who really cares what people say. the best trend is confidence.
Blonde Lawyer
I follow a few pharmacy and hospital blogs because they are relevant to some of my legal work. One of them recently posted an article from the Chicago Tribune (link below) about a study that found its is more dangerous health wise for women to work long hours than men. Right away, I can think of a million different reasons why. The article also acknowledged that correlation does not equal causation. The guy who tweeted it is well known in pharmacy. I clicked over to his twitter and his tag line is Christian.Conservative.PharmacistManagementConsultant.
Maybe I read too much into things but I immediately got angry. This article is clearly junk science. Why is it being retweeted without commentary by a medical professional? Oh, because it meets the agenda of the christian conservatives of keeping women in the home.
The article acknowledged that women have more work at home on top of their regular job and that could be the reason for the results. It then suggested ways women could scale back. NOWHERE in the article did it suggest men could STEP UP on the domestic front and take those hours off of women’s plate.
I wanted so badly to comment on the article but I couldn’t get it to work even after creating a log in. I left the guy a Twitter reply instead. Which reminds me of my favorite xkcd, link in the reply.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/health/ct-long-hours-women-health-0623-20160623-story.html
Blonde Lawyer
https://xkcd.com/386/
Gail the Goldfish
That is definitely the best xkcd and often cited around my apartment.
Anonymous
Just lost the better part of an hour catching up on that comic. Thanks for the daily dose of absurdity :)
SC
The article itself doesn’t bother me that much, to be honest. It spends a lot of time on the fact that women often juggle multiple roles (and, by implication, men don’t). True, it encourages women to take more time for themselves in a trite way. But I’m not sure “The men should step up” is actually more helpful since it’s not an option for many women, and it seems outside the scope of reporting on the study. However, I’d be interested in whether there was additional research controlling for whether participants were in relationships, were parents, had a SAH spouse, worked certain shifts, did manual labor, and earned certain income thresholds.
bridget
Say WHAT?
Let me get this straight. The Chicago Tribune reported on a study which showed a correlation between long hours and illness for women that is different from men. Because a Christian retweeted it, you – who are not a scientist, have never been a scientist, and have no medical background – determined that this is “clearly” junk science, and have taken the astonishing leap of assuming that the reason it was retweeted (without comment!) was because it aligned with his backwards, sexist thinking (no evidence for such backwardness being presented except for the man’s religion).
Wow. I… can’t even.
anon
+1
Anonymous
Okay, who has good alternatives to tampons that we can talk about? I finally got a Diva cup and it’s awesome… when it works. Which is only about 30% of the time. I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong (I’m under 30 but I’ve had a kid, so I got the larger size). I’m so f-ing frustrated with bleeding all over the place — including work clothes and bedsheets. I feel like a teenager all over again and it’s frustrating beyond all belief. FWIW, I don’t want to go on a hormonal bc, but if that’s the best answer, fine. Right now, I have no iud and no hormonal bc. TIA ladies.
LondonLeisureYear
I have never leaked with my diva cup. I think you need to check for proper suction. Once you put it in you, you need to be able to completely turn it around so it creates a proper seal. Make sure the holes on the side are also not plugged up or you will not be able to create a suction.
Anonymous
+1 that turn really makes a difference!
Emmer
If you don’t have super duper heavy periods, the diva cup should not leak – as London said, this is likely a suction issue. My user error when I first started using one was that I was trying to push it too far up because the stem stuck out a lot when it was lower (but properly sealed). This was solved by trimming the stem. Anyway, no matter what the root of the problem is, make sure you don’t feel any indentations when you turn it to check that the seal was created.
Anonymous
So… what if I *do* have super heavy periods? I’m very tall and I don’t expect that I’m pushing it too far up, but I can certainly try having it a bit lower.
Anonymous
Empty it a little more often. On light days I can empty it once every 12 hours. On heavy days I check it every 6. When you’re emptying it is it actually full? If not, it’s probably a suction issue.
Anonymous
Also have heavy periods and have used a Diva cup for years and love it. I use a pantiliner on heavy days to catch any overflow, and do the above-mentioned twist and check for suction. Once you get used to it, you definitely know when it’s in right.
Anon for this
I’m a fan of Softcups.
Anne Elliott
The mooncup may work for you. Try different variants, it’s worth it!
Sydney Bristow
I’ve discovered there are just a ton to try, which is awesome but sort of sucks at the same time because they’re expensive. I started with the Diva because that’s what I’d heard of. It was too big and rigid. I’m trying the Lily cup now because I read it’s softer and smaller. Still trying to get the hang of it though. I’m having the hardest time getting it out most of the time. I read it can take several cycles to really get it down.
Anonymous
Yeah, I’m not going to keep buying new cups.
Anon for this
Yeah, I’m not going to keep buying new cups.
Sydney Bristow
You can do research (there are a ton of blog posts out there comparing them) and buy whichever one seems to fit your situation best. Hopefully it will work. I figure I’m willing to try 1 more (a third try) if this one doesn’t work. Beyond that I’ll just give up. But if it works, the ~$100 I’ve spent will be saved going forward without needing monthly supplies.
Anonymous
Tampons.
Anonymous
I hate tampons. I hate that I have to change them every time I pee, even if I’ve just been drinking a lot of water and not bleeding like crazy. I hate that they come in different sizes and I never seem to pick the right size. I hate that they leak overnight, no matter what I do to find the biggest one. I hate that I have to carry them around all the time. I hate that I have to buy a box of them for my office bathroom that everyone else helps themselves to. I hate the feeling of the string all the time.
Anonymous
I also hate that the box of 50 tampons says “a 4+ month supply!” when it’s totally not enough for one cycle. They must have men in their marketing department. smh.
anon a mouse
Wait, why do you have to change them every time you pee?
Anonymous
Yeah you def don’t. I don’t.
Anonymous
+1 – that shouldn’t be necessary. Changing them once or twice a day, sure, but not everytime you go to the bathroom.
OP
…they get wet, and I don’t like to wear a tampon soaked with pee even if not soaked with blood. Nobody else’s tampon gets wet?
AnonLondon
Doesn’t everyone? It gets wet and half the time my muscles push the tampon part way out anyway.
Anonymous
Pull the string to the side before you actually ‘start’, and lean forward so the stream goes straight down instead of dribbling through the anatomy.
aside: geez, phrasing this in a manner that won’t get caught in any kinda filter gets entertaining. :P
Anonymous
Tuck the string or hold it out of the way… going will not make it wet unless you don’t put it in all the way.
lost academic
They don’t get wet. Urine and menstrual blood do not come from the same place. If the string gets wet, I absolutely understand, but that’s why I make sure it doesn’t. When I was younger, I changed tampons all the time but had incredibly heavy flow, and “all the time” was still not 50/period.
If your muscles are pushing the tampon out, are you unconsciously straining those muscles / that area to urinate?
Not all tampons make me feel the string all the time (I prefer OB for this) – but sometimes I’ll try a new one out of necessity and I do and it’s AWFUL. Don’t be afraid to try a bunch of different kinds – I bet you can get free samples. I feel like this will also help you find one that won’t leak. Again, they tend to differ – for some reason the giant Tampax from my childhood now leak so much more when I’m forced to use them then smaller capacity and sized ones of other brands.
Anonymous
Ok, but do they work? Why are you storing them in the office bathroom? That’s weird. Why not wear pads at night? There isn’t an unlimited plethora of options here.
CountC
I have perfected the tuck one up my sleeve method of carrying them to the bathroom!
OP
I store them in the office bathroom so the men at work don’t bother me with “oh, where are you going?” questions every 2 hours when I take my purse (or small makeup bag filled with tampons) to the ladies’ room.
I do wear pads at night in addition to tampons, and I hate it. Terribly uncomfortable.
Tampons mostly work but then occasionally leak (through my panty liner) and I’m tired of getting to work with blood everywhere.
Like I said, I feel like a teenager all over again. 15+ years of periods, I should have figured this out. Post-kid, it’s like a whole new ball game unfortunately.
Anonymous
Or just you know, carry it to the bathroom. You don’t even have to hide it. (I have a Mirena and don’t get mine any more, as a previous heavy-period-sufferer, it is the best thing)
Blonde Lawyer
@ 11:33am, there is a pretty funny Amy Schumer on that.
Anonymous
I promise I am not trying to be a jerk because I 100% am with you on everything else you have listed, but why do you change them every time you pee? I tuck the string to the side so it doesn’t get wet and gross and don’t change every time I pee.
Tonka Bean
This is gross, but … do any of you have the problem with them getting slightly dislodged when you p00p? Like, just enough that they’re uncomfortable.
Anon for this
@ Tonka. Yup. That’s why I switched to the cup.
Anon
Tonka – I have that issue. It’s annoying.
Um, yes.
I’m with Tonka Bean – it wasn’t a problem before I had a baby, but now that I’m using them again, they do get pushed down a little bit when p00ping and I have to change them. But just peeing? Definitely not.
GCA
Wait, people change their tampon every time they pee? If I did that they would be way too dry to come out. I just push the string kind of up and to the side so it’s out of the stream. And (okay, this may defeat the purpose) wear a liner with the tampon to catch stray leaks.
Why are you buying a box for the office bathroom? I have never seen anyone do that. Your office is not a charity! (Unless it is.)
I’m afraid I can’t speak to the effectiveness of menstrual cups, though. Sorry.
All the Cake
You can also just use a sheet toilet paper to grab the string when you do pull it out, so it doesn’t matter if the string is wet. I thought everyone did this. Even if the string is dry, it’s kind of gross to grab it with your bare hands and then touch the stall door latch before washing your hands in the communal sinks.
Maddie Ross
Maybe I’m gross, but you don’t have to change. Just push the string up and pee. Esp. once mine gets lighter towards the end, I don’t necessarily change every time. Now at the beginning of the cycle, heck yeah I do. B/c one thing that isn’t widely discussed is how much heavier things will be post-childbirth. I’m 3 years out now and it’s an insane difference in flow still.
OP
This is what I’m talking about. CRAZY HEAVY FLOW. So frustrating.
Maddie Ross
I hear ya. I tried Instead years ago, pre-kid, and hated it, so haven’t tried the cups yet. I’m still team tampon. But have to get super plus. It’s an inelegant solution, but I just stash them everywhere (every purse, my laptop bag, my desk, my glove compartment) and as someone said above, have perfected the art of the sleeve tuck. Or just carrying in my hand discreetly. And have resorted to wearing black pants/skirts during that time. Sigh.
CKB
Maybe it’s not talked about much because every woman is different. After having kids my period got lighter, shorter. And my cramps are now non-existent.
anonforthis
I feel you on changing them every time. Even if I hold the string to the side, it gets damp enough to make my underwear annoying. So then I’ll wear a liner, but that defeats the purpose of a tampon. And yep, they move enough when I go #2 that I need to change them. I’m trying to perfect the menstrual cup but I usually wear a liner with that, too. Thongs are just out of the question on my period.
anon A3
they do make thong liners…
Diva-votee
Don’t give up! Wear a pad until you get the hang of it. I do the fold in (so the cup is sort of folded in half) then I sort of squeeze the bottom once it’s in until it unfolds, and keep squeezing it til I feel it “seal.” Bearing down after it’s open helps. Give it a turn, or burp it, like you would tupperware. It gets better!! It took me a few months to get it, but once I did I never looked back.
Diva-votee
+1 to it maybe leaking because it’s too full. That is the only time I had an issue with leaks (after I got the hang of it). If it’s full when you go to empty it, try emptying it once more during the day.
EB0220
I have the Vida Cup (honestly not sure why I got this one). I’ve had 2 kids, 35, tall. I got the larger size and it has never leaked. Is it overflowing or is it a suction thing? Doesn’t seem like a heavy period would cause leakage inherently – would just mean you need to empty more frequently.
flora
I’d consider cloth pads, either as a backup for the cup while you’re figuring it out or as protection on its own. I like them so much more than disposables. I use Party in my Pants brand (lame name but good quality).
Anon
I know you said you didn’t want hormonal, but I have the Mirena, and haven’t had a period in over five years (changed the IUD once). BEST THING EVER. Much less ‘impact’ hormone-wise than the pill (at least for me), no remembering to take it, and no messing with anything.
Anonymous
The Diva cup just did not work for me. I pinched, I rotated, I checked the seal, I trimmed the stem, I positioned it “high”, I positioned it “low”, I emptied it more frequently, I emptied it less frequently.
My OBGYN commented during an annual that my internal anatomy is not positioned in the usual way (prominent tailbone, c3rv1x tilted/positioned weird). When I asked about the Diva cup, she confirmed that it might not work for me because of this.
I didn’t like tampons. Then I tried OB tampons (no applicator). Love them. Then Tampax Pearl was launched/released. Like them. For light days, I am more likely to use pads with wings now. They are not as diaper-ish as they used to be.
Shopaholic
Any advice on motivation? I think maybe I’m just too comfortable at my job but even when I’m given more responsibility and better tasks, I’m finding it difficult to get my sh!t together and execute. I just sit at my desk and am easily distracted…
KateMiddletown
Owing by the # of times I’ve commented today, I am in the same boat.
Anonymous
Bahaha, hi me too! I consistently get very good reviews, but I am not super busy nor do I feel like my job is uber hard. I like my job very much, the people are great and my schedule can’t be beat, so I’m not trying to change jobs. Sure there are things I COULD do, but none of them are urgent or at risk of being late/behind schedule.
Anon
Same here! Almost to a tee. A promotion opportunity came up recently, but I didn’t apply, as I like being able to flex my hours as needed, not taking work home and (almost most importantly) having a parking ramp right next to my building. None of those things would have been true at the new position, so I didn’t apply. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the kids are older, but for now, having the ability to take time off regularly and not stress about work is more important to me.
Anon at 11:57
I check the itnernal job opps occaisionally and see something that looks interesting and that I am qualified for but always end up at nope I would have to work more hours and check email on nights and weekends in that position!
I don’t have kids, but I enjoy being able to partake in my hobbies and hang with my pets without street TYVM.
E
Can I just say this thread made me feel a little better about myself today? Sometimes I feel like I’m not a go-getter and I’m doing something wrong because I find my job easy and boring and work so much more reasonable hours than many of my friends (I’m in-house, and many of my lawyer friends are in big law). But I get good reviews and good results for my company, and I respond quickly when it’s needed. Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself for my sit-back-and-collect-a-pay-check approach for a little while.
Fashion Help!
Anyone want to help me shop today?
I am finishing up an appellate clerkship in a chambers with a business casual (veering on casual) dress code and I’m heading to a litigation practice in biglaw (large office in a secondary market). The firm is technically business casual, but when I summered there a couple years ago, many of the men still wore suits and most of the women wore very sharp-looking, fashionable separates (although not necessarily blazers, I saw lots of cardigans). So my ponte dresses are not going to cut it and I need to step my game up.
That being said, I don’t want to go crazy before I get a sense of what the environment is really like. (And, to throw in another wrinkle, I hope to lose some weight over the next 6-12 months, too.) So, I need a capsule wardrobe! I’d like to have enough outfits to get me through at least 3 weeks at the firm. Black/Gray base, because I already have a black sheath dress, a gray sheath dress, a black suit w/ pants & skirt, and nice black pumps & flats. What else should I buy? Help!!
AIMS
I’d get some black skinny pants, a couple of nice silky tops and maybe one “fun” blazer and one or two simple cardigans.
nutella
+1 except for the ‘fun’ blazer. Blazers are not cheap and ‘fun’ might be too out there for the environment leaning more business separates for women – not to mention memorable. If you want some pizzazz, buy a scarf (always fits you no matter your size) or some jewelry from Charming Charlie’s or something so you don’t break the bank until you feel you know the dress code, are at a more stable size, and are ready to spend on some clothes you’ve thought through.
Also, nobody remembers what you wear as much as you do, and there is nothing wrong with steering more simple and basic for a bit (i.e. more neutrals at first).
anne-on
Skinny ankle pants in nicer fabrics with dressy blouses (or dressy blouse with a blazer) are the defacto uniform in my office this summer. Ann taylor, jcrew, etc. all have loads. Silky shells/tops are a bit harder to find, but I had decent luck at brooks brothers and jcrew. If the price point works for you, I really liked the mGemi stellato a lot – looks and feels nicely lux but very walkable.
Anonymous
Skinny ankle pants are too casual for an office wear guys wear suits, imo. I’d get gray dress pants and several colorful blouses you can wear with those pants and your black suit pants/skirt. You should be able to get through a few weeks with that and what you already have, especially if people dress down on Fridays.
Sydney Bristow
Pencil skirts are best for me dealing with fluctuating weight.
Anonymous
Do not wait to buy clothes because of your weight. You’ll be making plenty of money to buy new clothes if you do lose weight.
Polly Pepper
I’ll be in Houston this holiday weekend for a wedding and will have some solo time on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday morning and afternoon. Any Houston ladies who can suggest some fun things to do? I’ve already been to Galveston and the Galleria shopping center. Not sure if a NASA center visit would be worth the trip? Thanks!
anon
I enjoyed visiting NASA.
Anonymous
If you like art, check out the Museum of Fine Art and the Rothko Chapel. The Museum of Natural Science is fun, too. Those are both near Hermann Park which houses the Zoo. If you’re into breweries, downtown Houston has Saint Arnold’s Brewery and 8th Wonder Brewing. If you’re going to NASA, make a day out of visiting Kemah/Moody Gardens/Galveston.
Anonymous
Nasa is good, also +1 to the museum district. Moody Gardens is fun, and if the weather is good it makes sense to do a Galveston day. Also check out Miller Outdoor Theater for some evening entertainment.
In the Pink
The Symphony is playing along with “Raiders of the Lost Ark” this weekend. It’s an amazing experience having the music well up and into the seating. Downtown at Jones Hall. There is probably also a play at the Alley Theatre in the same area of downtown.
It’s going to be hot and sunny – very! So the museums and moody gardens might help. Houston and the area in general is a driving town, so the suggestions above about location specific trips are spot on.
Welcome!
hwp
If you like yoga, Big on Allen Parkway is fantastic. The loop around Rice University is good for running. The Rice Village is good for shopping and dining. I third the rec for Miller Outdoor Theater.
E
Big also has SUP yoga classes at 288 lake on the weekends, which is super fun.
Scarves
What do people think about scarves for business wear? Yes / No / Sometimes? I love them for casual wear, but I always worry that they look… sloppy? too casual? for work.
This is prompted by the look Kat posted a couple days ago with this scarf: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/nordstrom-floral-cashmere-silk-scarf/4230694?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLUE%20COMBO
anne-on
I like them to dress down an otherwise more formal look (so, over a suiting fabric sheath dress in a more casual office) Or honestly, in the summer for warmth! Our office is crazy over air conditioned at the moment.
trefoil
I wear them constantly in the winter for the same reason: circuit court is freezing.
Baconpancakes
Depends on the scarf and the outfit. A scarf worn open as a “collar” with a sheath dress is pretty safe, looks classy, and can provide a nice pop of color. Jean at Extra Petite does it well. http://cdn4.gurl.com/wp-content/gallery/silk-scarves/silkscarf3.jpg
I wouldn’t recommend ever wrapping it around your neck once and letting the ends dangle -that does look very casual. There are some nice looks with infinity scarves for a casual office, but keeping the scarf silky and more low key is important.
Idea
I love scarves. I have a few in patterns to dress up my otherwise colorblock uniform look, and a few in solids to tone down some pattern blouses or to add a complementary color. They’re easy to buy anywhere and always fit and can be styled different ways to dress up or dress down an outfit.
To be clear, I am in a business casual environment that is highly male and not creative or fashion forward – technical consulting. I am petite and overweight (size 16ish). I don’t wear a ton of jewelry (toddler) or makeup but I wear a scarf 2-3 days/week, weather depending.
ChiLaw
I moved from a more formal, litigation-focused environment to a more casual (in-house, not for profit) and I’ve found that wearing a pretty, patterned scarf over my more serious outfits helps dress them down in a way that’s still professional, but (hopefully!) communicates that I am not too hard around the edges.
Runner 5
I’m meant to be packing to move house today and am getting completely overwhelmed. There’s stuff everywhere, and I keep losing track of things that aren’t meant to be packed (for graduation tomorrow) and I just ended up sitting on the floor in tears.
What do you all do when a day is turning out like this, hive?
Cb
1. Put the kettle on
2. Make tea/coffee and drink. Take deep breaths.
3. Grab notebook and pen
4. Find the least cluttered place in your flat – the bathroom if needs be
4. Write list of everything you need for graduation tomorrow – outfit, tights, backup tights, any paperwork
5. Go and find those things (ticking them off the list) and put them in your least cluttered place
6. Write a list of everything else you must do
7. Put on music and get cracking on that list
Sydney Bristow
All of this but I’d swap out number 8 with turning on a tv show you’ve seen a hundred times but love (Gilmore Girls, Friends, etc).
anne-on
Pomodoro method? Pack for a set amount of time (or pack a set amount of boxes) and then take a break/reward yourself with a coffee or treat?
Can you stack things that aren’t meant to be packed in one area first? Put them on your bed/on a sheet/whatever. Do that first, otherwise you’ll just derail yourself. Then pack by category – clothing, housewares, toiletries, shoes, etc. Good luck!!
Runner 5
One of the problems is that I don’t actually have boxes, because I move so frequently and have nowhere to store them once I’ve moved – so it’s various bags and cases and such.
All the Cake
I don’t know anyone who stores boxes in between moves. They toss them or give them away, and then get new ones the next time. If you don’t want to buy them, look on your local craigslist/freecycle/nextdoor type sites, check with your office, ask a local business, etc.
pugsnbourbon
Try a liquor store for boxes – they ones they get are very sturdy and often have handles. There might not be a lot on hand, but I’ve had owners put some aside once a delivery comes in.
CountC
My solution is not going to be the best, but I get wine and start chucking things into boxes. I have moved seven times since 2012 – I’m over being organized. YMMV!!
Runner 5
Wine might actually be exactly what I need… I have to pop out to get coffee (no working kettle in the house) so I’ll buy a cheap bottle of wine too.
CountC
Happy to help! I find wine helps me with most things :)
Happy follow up
About six months ago I posted that my boyfriend of three months had invited me on a cruise with his ill father, which would be about 8 months away. I was really nervous about accepting an invite so far in the future and also about such a serious trip – likely his last with his father.
The advice here was mostly “do it!” the logic being that if we ended up together, I would really regret not having known his dad. So I agreed to go.
Well…we just got engaged!! The cruise is a couple of months away, and I am so glad that my ticket is booked. I can’t wait to spend time with the grandfather of my future babies, and to support my partner during this time. His dad’s disease is also progressing so much more slowly than expected. Basically, good news all around. Thank you for your push to take a chance on love!
Wanderlust
Congratulations! Fantastic news!
Anon
This makes me very happy. Please treasure your moments! Congrats!
Sydney Bristow
Congratulations!
Baconpancakes
Congrats! Have a great time on the cruise, and here’s hoping your future grandfather in law keeps in better health.
Anonymous
Congratulations! That is really happy news!
anon a mouse
Wonderful news. Congratulations!
Senior Attorney
Woo hoo!! Congratulations!
Aurora
Congrats on the engagement and thanks so much for updating! I always love a happy ending :)
In the Pink
Excellent news. Best wishes on your future!
Wildkitten
CONGRATULATIONS!
Mrs. Jones
Congratulations! Have fun!
working momz
Yay! I totally remember you and am so glad this worked out!
Cb
Screenshotting this list as supporting evidence for my UK citizenship application. First, you make tea.
Mer
Work etiquette question – a higher-up in a different division at my company recently sent a glowing review of my performance to a few other higher-ups in a division that I’m interested in moving to. I was not copied on this message, but I definitely heard about it through a couple of other people. Should I send a note thanking the person who sent it? It feels weird because I wasn’t copied on it, but he probably knows that I know (is this a Friends episode?!) about it by now… If so, how do I word it?? Thanks so much for any advice!
Anon
I would thank in person the next time you see him or her. If it’s unlikely you’ll see him or her, I would ask to schedule a coffee (bonus – you can thank in person and strengthen the relationship and drop veiled hints about maybe moving to that division soon). Good luck!
Anon
No you should not say anything – if you were not copied on the email, you don’t “know” this happened.
Jules
Wanted to give big thanks to the commenter(s) who posted the reddit bra fit site and online bra size calculator. (Links to follow.) I finally got around to doing the measurements and ordering new bras online (because according to the calculator I wear a crazy size that I didn’t know existed and that you can’t find in most stores – 36GG, yo) and wow! I tried several brands – ordered about $600 worth, eek — and returned most but I now have a few that fit and look amazing! (And now that I’m back in the dating pool, there’s even a chance someone will see them . . .)
Jules
https://www.reddit.com/r/ABraThatFits/wiki/beginners_guide
http://www.brasizecalculator.tk/
Anon
Thank youuuuuuu. I was super super sick over fall/winter and lost about 20-25 pounds. Most of that has come back. Some of it came back in such a way that none of my bras fit. This is not the worst thing because I almost have cleav**e for the first time in my life, but I do need to figure out my new bra size.
Jules
Sorry you were sick, but glad this might be helpful.
Anon
Is anyone else annoyed that spaghetti straps/halter dresses/off the shoulder tops are back in? I absolutely hate strapless bras, and I’m so disappointed that so many dresses that I’m seeing in stores this summer require one.
Anonymous
Yassssss they are the worst.
Baconpancakes
Yes. I’m too old for that shiz.
Although I might get one off the shoulder dress for special date nights.
Anonymous
Off the shoulder dresses are definitely in this year. I’m not sure spaghetti straps ever went outs – I always saw tons of those in stores.
Anon
True, they were always around, but there were always enough other options that I felt like I could avoid them. Now it feels harder to find dresses that cover bra straps. First world problem, I know.
Anonymous
Between this trend and the blousey/oversized tops that have been in for the last year or two, it’s not an easy time to be large-chested. Nothing fits and the things that do fit look bad. FOOOEY!!!
In the Pink
Never worked for me, never will, and it’s really hard to find casual tops that don’t read “stodgy” or “old lady in a t-shirt” … I have to wear a bra. Age isn’t pretty. Many of the sleeveless dresses and tops now have such thin straps that a supportive bra’s strap are too wide. Age isn’t pretty.
Baconpancakes
Vicarious shopping challenge! I’m already planning my birthday party, despite it being months away because I’m actually five years old, and I’m going with a super girly, elegant rose pink and champagne theme. Anyone want to find something fun and pink for me to get myself? So far I’ve come up with a rose gold Fossil watch and a light pink leather pouf.
ANON
Do people over 10 have birthday party themes? Geez
January
Aw, come on. Rose gold iPhone, clearly ;)
Wildkitten
I don’t understand this joke. Is Rose Gold iPhone a party theme? Because if so I kind of love it. Rosé, gold paper plates, selfies…
Wildkitten
Oh, champagne. You’ll have to sparkling rosé. My RSVP is already “oui.”
Baconpancakes
Ooh, can you help me plan it? I hadn’t thought about gold paper plates!
Senior Attorney
Confetti! Balloons (because text message balloons…)!
KS IT Chick
Baconpancakes: Try Party City. I just did a quick search and found a bunch there are are really pretty.
Wildkitten
Check etsy. It’ll have amazing things and you have plenty of time to order to be shipped.
Baconpancakes
Don’t worry, you don’t have to come.
In the Pink
Ted Baker London has some lovely rose gold accessories and I can imagine either a black or white background with his florals to be wonderful to wear for YOUR party. Skirt or dress…so feminine and probably something you can insert into your wardrobe after the party. Happy day in advance.
Baconpancakes
Thanks! I love planning parties, so it’s just fun to think up stuff that would go with the colors. The Ted Baker stuff is adorable.
Veronica Mars
Pink diamonds. Or a pink gemstone of your choice. I think some studs or a bracelet would be lovely!
Baconpancakes
I like your style.
Scarlett
I love a birthday party for adults & love a good theme. For you, I’d look into a rose gold ring of some kind (but that’s just because that’s what I love to get myself)
Sydney Bristow
These were my wedding colors. I found a super cute champagne colored clutch that was all covered in little metal bits. Hard to explain. I’ll see if I can find it. I’m finding that the color is surprisingly versatile for a fancy clutch.
Sydney Bristow
Here it is! It’s less shiny in person. http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_metallic-mesh-clutch-shine_handbags
Senior Attorney
I might need this for my wedding…
Wildkitten
What date did you set?!
Evernote boooooooooo
I got a message last night from Evernote saying that in 30 days I would have to upgrade to a paid account to access my notes on more than 2 devices. On that (ever)note, I’m looking to move all of my notes to a cloud-based note taking service that is actually FREE. Any suggestions?
I like Evernote’s web clipper and notebook structure, sharing functions, and graphics. Looking for the same kind of thing in a new platform.
If you know anyone who works for Evernote, tell them this is a colossal mistake. I know I’m not the only one who will be telling them, “girl, bye,” rather than paying for a service I can get free elsewhere.
Calico
I like Wunderlist
Amelia Earhart
Google Keep
Sydney Bristow
As I read it, it seems like you can have the program on 2 devices and can also use the web based version. I might be wrong though. I’m planning to keep it on my phone and laptop because I use the laptop to copy my Kindle highlights. I’m going to take it off my iPad because I always have my phone with me if I’m not home with my laptop.
I suppose you could make a separate account for your other devices and set all your notebooks up as shared notebooks with your other account.
It’s frustrating but I suppose I’ve gotten a ton of use out of a free service over the years.
OP
I didn’t read it super carefully because I was in a rage boil, but perhaps you’re right. I thought about just winnowing my devices, but that’s sort of not the point. The point to me is that they got us all hooked on Evernote, and then decided to start charging to use functionality that had previously been free. I don’t like that.
anon a mouse
I hear you – who doesn’t like free? But I haven’t seen something that does everything I get out of Evernote for free. And I like supporting a company that makes a good product that works for me.
(Still bitter that google reader disappeared – I would have gladly paid for that.)
Anon
Google Reader was #1, RIP
Lazy Men
Question. Week after week we see questions about what to do about husbands that just do nothing. My question is how do I avoid acquiring a manchild. Were there red flags when you were dating?
MomAnon4This
As a mother of 3 boys, please advice how NOT to raise a manchild, too.
Thanks.
Bewitched
Mom of 3 boys here too. Don’t coddle them. Teach them how to do laundry. Let them make some of their own meals (when old enough). We let our 16 year old travel independently so that he knew how to get through an airport. Another one (older) traveled to NY, we told him about MegaBus and how to navigate the subway but did not print maps for him or make his travel arrangements. Let them be independent and responsible and bear the consequences of their own actions. You get a speeding ticket, you pay the fine, plus you pay the additional cost for the car insurance. You get the picture. You can help them, but they have to do 80-90% of the work. That’s the way the real world works.
AIMS
Don’t do everything for them. Teach them to cook and do housework. Let their father/other men in their lives model appropriate behavior.
Emmers
My brother is definitely not a man child, and I think one reason is because my mom, who did take responsibility for household stuff when we were growing up, gave him responsibility over some of it at a young age. So, for instance, we both were responsible for cooking dinner one night each week as soon as we were even questionably old enough. Laundry, likewise.
Anon
Make them do chores, including cleaning. Especially cleaning.
Senior Attorney
Yes — teach them how to take care of themselves. Laundry, cooking, cleaning. Teach them about handling their finances. Make them responsible for their own schoolwork (this is a big one — I see parents getting WAY too involved in schoolwork!).
Talk to them about gender equality so that they internalize it as an important value.
And if all else fails, ship them off to the Marine Corps! ;)
anon
My husband is great at household stuff, and I don’t think I’ve ever once had a problem with him not pulling his weight or thinking/planning ahead. He was responsible for most of the housework from like 12 or 13 onward though due to family circumstances. Obviously not everyone is going to do that nor do they need to, but being responsible for grocery shopping every week (once he had a car) or just other chores I think helped. I don’t think that he underestimates how much housework needs to get done like most men do. He’s also not just blind to what needs to get done since he’s been doing this stuff forever. I think just give them a lot of responsibiltiy to take care of their own affairs (laundry, making their lunches) and some portion of the shared stuff.
Anon
I strongly recommend a book called “The Parenting Breakthrough”. Gives excellent advice, right down to lists based on age, as to what kids are capable of and what they should be doing on their own. I regard myself as pretty aggressive at teaching my kids to do things early, but this book really demonstrated I was short-changing their abilities. Disclaimer – the author is Mormon (I am not) and there are numerous references to the religion, but I think it’s pretty easy to either ignore those sections, or figure out how to apply them to your own belief/value system.
Anonymous
Teach them to think: think about what needs done, about what thier partner needs, what your family needs, what the house and bathrooms and kitchen and refrigerator and all the other things we have to think about in a partnership or family – then he is aware of the work and can share the work actively
cbackson
Model egalitarian marriage for them. It’s the most important thing, by far.
Senior Attorney
For realsies.
Anonymous
Marry one who grew up with a working mother with a demanding full-time job with long hours and a dad who was an equal partner.
ChiLaw
I like this advice. My husband (and his two brothers) were raised by their hard-working mother, pretty much alone. She was a nurse, so would do 12-hour night shifts and then come home and parented. He is very respectful of women, and has no problem doing the lion’s share of the housework (he’s a SAHD) and such.
A.non
ChiLaw, you are fortunate. Some men who grow up with hard-working single mothers learn that a woman is supposed to do everything, because that’s what their mother did.
Marshmallow
Marry a self-avowed feminist. My H grew up in an extremely traditional home with parents in very old-fashioned gender roles. But he’s not afraid to call himself a feminist, has strong beliefs about gender equality, and holds up his half of the household. Some men can be raised with all the old-fashioned crap but are aware enough and smart enough to throw it out the window.
Anonymous
But also make sure that his attitudes and actions actually back up his professed views. Some of the loudest “feminist” men I know are actually the most misogynistic and they’re so clueless and defensive that it’s a lost cause.
Anon
A dude I used to know owns a shirt that says “This is what a feminist looks like.” Or, at least, he used to. It might have gotten back to him that I said I would strangle him with it if I ever saw him wearing it after he abused me and two other women. My views on men who call themselves feminist is forever altered.
Anonono
Ugh, I’m afraid I have the same story as Anon at 12:02. He was the first guy I ever met who called himself a feminist, and then… :-( Awful.
anon
I married a feminist. He’s serious about gender equality (and other kinds too), but he’s not loud. He does what he can, whenever he can, and if a related topic came up would comment, but he doesn’t broadcast it- he lives it. I second making sure that the actions back up the words.
Anonymous
Something about this doesn’t sit right with me. While these may assist, there are plenty of other ways for a grown man to self-actualize himself into being a good partner.
Wildkitten
Sure, but if you want a cheat sheet short cut, here is one option.
Baconpancakes
Or one raised by a single mother. Some of the most responsible, feminist dudes I know were raised by their single mothers. Seeing their mothers take on both roles of parenting AND running a house AND putting food on the table seems to really jolt into their brains what actually goes into those responsibilities.
Senior Attorney
I think there’s a lot to this. I was a single mom when my son was ages 6-12 and he’s definitely a responsible feminist dude.
Scarlett
+1 – that’s pretty much my H too. We also met and married older after we both kept our own households for years so there was no default to any gender role – we both just do what needs doing.
Amy H.
+2. This is my DH too.
Ellen
Yay Kat! I love these shirt’s and have started wearing them with pencil skirts, tho we need to remember NOT to let the 3rd button be unbuttoned, b/c sleezy guy’s like to look in at our boobie’s. FOOEY on men that stare at my boobie’s who are NOT a boyfreind or husband. They are the ONLEY ones that have licence to stare at our boobie’s.
As for the OP, I am a black belt with experence dealing with Sheketovits, the original manchild. DOUBEL FOOEY! The red flags were there all along. He NEVER volunteered to go out to the store to get anything, even when HE would be the beneficueary of that stuff, such as KY Jelly or Beer, to give you an idea. He also never brought home anything for ME to eat, such as a corn beef sanwich, b/c he did NOT like corn beef. He NEVER did the laundry, even tho HE was the one to throw up on the bedspread. He also NEVER put a new roll of toilet paper on, even when emptied the last roll. I do NOT even want to guess what he did when there was little paper left, b/c he never went outside to the closet to replace the roll. I think he just pulled up his underwear, leaveing EXTRA TIRE TRACKS for ME to get the cleaning to wash. TRIPEL FOOEY!
Anonymous
My little brother is a manchild. Growing up, my parents were always asking me to do things for him. He learned really early on that if he expressed enough frustration or feeling of inadequacy about how hard something was for him my parents would swoop in to rescue him from his (feigned) discomfort. Let your boys struggle! Let them believe the challenge of doing something is just a part of the task! Don’t rescue them from scenarios they don’t need to be rescued from! And if that means sometimes they fail or things don’t get done, let that be the consequence of their inaction.
Cat
I am fortunate to have acquired an actual functioning adult husband, and a few of the things that impressed me while we were dating were (1) making firm plans with friends if we were planning on a group thing — and everything would go pretty much according to schedule, (2) he didn’t have maid service but his apartment was always pretty clean, especially the bathroom, (3) he knew how to grocery shop and would always have vegetables in the house, and (4) he spoke to his parents and sibling every weekend.
Anonymous
My husband is pretty on top of things, and I would say he checked all of those boxes as well. He’s the oldest child of a single working mom, so I think that made a difference.
Calico
As for dating, read the NY Times piece “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.” It’s not exactly on this topic, but shades of it.
Annony
I like that! Thanks for sharing.
(It also made me think of this favorite book, where the relationship between the couple is tragicomical in the extreme. ‘Goatsong’ by Tom Holt.)
AIMS
I think beyond red flags, it’s also a matter of setting up appropriate patterns early in a relationship. I think there is a tendency for people to conform to certain gender roles early on when dating and while it can be fun (I assume, based on how prevalent it is), I think it also makes it easy to fall into certain traps and masks red flags that would otherwise be there. Sure, it may seem cute to help a guy with his laundry or cook him elaborate meals or have him pay for all the dates, but then you end up living together and having a joint credit card and he still “pays” for all the meals but you’re actually doing all of the housework. Set the tone for the kind of relationship you want early and if you scare off some guys as a result, good riddance.
Senior Attorney
YES! It’s fun to play house and show off your domestic skills early on, but then you set a pattern and it’s hard to break out of. It’s much easier to start as you mean to go on.
KateMiddletown
SeniorAtty, can you do a podcast or a web coffee-klatch or something? I feel like I need all your wisdom imparted to me on the regular.
Senior Attorney
*snort*
Don’t tempt me…
Senior Attorney
And also, thanks. That makes me feel happy. I feel like I’ve made All Teh Mistakez and if I can steer some of you away from even a few of them, that would be good.
Killer Kitten Heels
@SA – “All Teh Mistakez” would be an excellent title for a relationship-advice podcast. Just sayin’.
Wildkitten
Same. I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
J
1000% this. My husband and I have equal duties in the household (if anything, he does slightly more than me) and I set that precedence early. I told him when we first met that I didn’t know how to cook and wasn’t interested in learning (only partially true), and if he was visiting and needed laundry done – I showed him where the machine and detergent was and said “have at it”. I wasn’t going to pretend to be something I’m not or was not interested in becoming.
AZCPA
Yes, there definitely are – as someone who recently ended a 4 year live-in relationship (his lack of action and taking responsibility extended to never actually proposing, even though he’d bought a ring). I can look back and see a number of red flags. They are just tough to act on in the throws of new love.
1. How well does he manage his own life when you first are dating/getting to know each other? Is his car serviced timely? Are his bill paid timely, etc? Does he run out of toilet paper frequently?
2. How proactive is he about dates? When he invites you out, does he plan something, or are figuring out the details and making reservations already falling to you?
3. Is his house as clean and tidy as you’d be comfortable living in? Maybe you’d prefer cleaner, but if his default level isn’t livable, all sorts of cleaning chores will fall to you someday.
4. If all of the above started at acceptable levels for you, does he start to ‘devolve’ and expect you to pick up a lot of the above as you get more serious/live together? This I think comes more from attitude (expecting a woman to take care of him), but still means that his female partner will pick up a lot of the slack.
Susan
Not to be a downer but it’s possible to swing too far to the other side. My husband was older when we met (37) and naturally a very self-sufficient, responsible grown up. He grocery shops, cleans, does laundry, etc. He’s very good at doing what HE thinks needs to get done, when HE thinks it needs to be done. i am also regularly criticized for loading the dishwasher wrong or not cleaning the sink.
Anonymous
My dad is 87 and has always done all kinds of housework, even though my mother was a stay at home mom. He grew up without a sister and was just told/asked to help as a boy.
Response help
My coworker is out on maternity leave, and I am covering some of her work until she returns. She has an autoreply email that says she is out of the office until August and provides her assistant’s contact information. Her assistant received an email on a matter I am handling, so she forwarded it to me.
In the email, opposing counsel (mid 50s, male), asked if she is “really out until August” and “isn’t there some way (assistant) can contact her.” I am going to respond to his substantive work question, but I am inclined to tell him that a lawyer on maternity leave is, in fact, “really out,” and that it’s old man lawyers like him who make it hard to take maternity leave in the first place. Obviously, I shouldn’t say that. Is there anything I can say instead?
MomAnon4This
Could you make it legal – the language he speaks? My manager told me I am not allowed to do work on FMLA. Is there something similar you can tell him? Without violating HIPPA or HIPAA or HIIPPAA or hippo or whatever, of course
tesyaa
If she is still covered by disability, she’s actually not allowed to work…
Anonymous
I’d just answer it straight, but without detail. “Yes, she is out until August. Until she is back, I am the point of contact on this matter. Here is the answer to your question.” Because that’s all he really needs to know and the detail is none of his business. It also helps to normalize the idea, that people need to be out for longer periods of time but the work will still get done.
Anonymous
+1.
Jules
+2
Senior Attorney
+2
KateMiddletown
“Dear old man: What is it that you need?” and if you can’t get it done, maybe contact new mom and ask her about it?
Wildkitten
HAHA. To merge the two. “Dear old man: she is out until August. Until she is back, I am the point of contact on this matter. What is it you need?”
Maddie Ross
If this were me, I wouldn’t tell him she was on maternity leave unless either (a) her away message said it, or (b) you know she told him before she went out. I was very specific in my out of office while on mat leave that I was just out and unavailable and what alternative contact information was. I didn’t want people – particularly certain opposing counsel and clients – to know. She may feel that way too. I think you just tell him that yes, she’s really out until August, but that you are up to speed and able to help. And that you are able to contact her if it becomes an issue. And leave it at that.
Anon for this
I’m curious why. I would feel like OC and clients would look down on a two month vacation more than they would look down on a two month maternity leave. I guess they could think it was other medical leave. I think being vaguely out is weirder. Even when I was out for non-maternity surgery I said so since I wouldn’t be available to respond to emails at all. Since my time away was only two weeks, my cases weren’t being re-assigned and people just had to wait. I felt if I didn’t say what the extenuating circumstance was, it would look like I wanted a two week vacation with no contact which is not common in my industry.
Maddie Ross
Honestly, this is just me, but I kinda didn’t feel like it was any of their business. And I didn’t want to discuss my child when I got back. And I didn’t want anyone taking advantage of why I was out. YMMV, but my personal life is personal and professional is separate.
AEK
I vote ignore. If the work matter can be handled, then he is not entitled to any more information. It’s none of his business and acknowledging the question on any level is giving him a response he doesn’t deserve. (And let’s not kid ourselves that he would be enlightened by any answer you could give, even if it would be satisfying.)
bridget
Turn it back on him. “Since you are an attorney, you should be aware that the answer to that question is likely ‘no’ and that I cannot provide you with an explanation, even if I were so inclined.
Jen
I…in defense, without context, don’t actually think this request is that offensive. Did he mean “can’t you call her and make her work?” Or did he mean “is she 100% completely out of pocket or if we need to get a quick question answered is she generally responsive?”
I often have people in my dept on leave, but I always shoot a note or text about something random over the 3-4 months they are out (“hope all is well, do you remember the last name of Joe at Account B? We can’t find his contact info.” Or “this matter came up and j know it’s on your plate for when you return but we need it handled sooner. Jane is taking it on; let me know if you could to connect with her in the next week or so for a quick brain dump. If not, we will manage.” All after the 1 month mark for sure.
I find people are generally ok with a quick ? As long as it is very clear there is no urgency.
Anonymous
You probably shouldn’t say anything but UGH to this DOOSH
tazdevil
Need some advice about remodelling my condo. I still live in the starter condo that I bought back in 2005, and the carpeting needs to go!! I would like to replace the gross carpeting with wood or wood like floors. Does anyone with pets have any recommendation of what type of wood flooring would work for me? (I have a cat) Additionally, does anyone in the NOVA area have any recommendations for companies that do this sort of worK?
Anonymous
My parents have regular wood floors and have cats and and a small dog with no trouble. They are in NoVA, so I will get you the name of who they used!
Anon at 11:26
My parents recommend either Larkin Remodeling (571) 287-0007, ask for Derek, or Mike’s Flooring Company (703) 802-3485.
Jules
In a house with a couple of dogs and way too many cats, some of whom did anxiety-peeing :(, we got Tarkett vinyl flooring. It looks like wood but is basically impervious and is made without phthalates, so no bad gases in your environment. We did regret getting a very dark color, which shows dust and cat hair more than a lighter color.
But my new, animal-free home – ex got custody of the animals, I have visitation rights – has hard wood floors and rugs that would be unthinkable with all those cats, including a wasabi-green, super-thick shag rug that would not survive one instance of cat-barf. And I love it so much.
Sunflower
I also regret having dark wood floors. They show every bit of dust and every footprint, hair, and scratch. Honestly, I could clean mine twice a day and they’d still look dirty!
Jen
I had wood floors with a dog that ran around like a nut. They scratched but refinished well. If you get wood- and I vote wood- just keep on top of maintenance so they aren’t totally destroyed. We had ours refinished every 4-5 years, which is more than necessary sans dog paws but they remained beautiful.
anon a mouse
You should be fine with any hard wood (not something soft like bamboo or pine). A colleague recommended Beaulieu Floors, but I haven’t used them myself.
Anonymous
They don’t sound like they’d look nice, but newer ceramic tiles with a wood grain surprisingly are very nice. I would do them if you weren’t doing hardwood. Bonus is that you can put radiant heating underneath if you want.
Aurora
My husband and I switched from carpet to engineered hard wood floors in our condo and we love it and it’s withstood our dog and cat. The only scratches in the floor are from furniture we didn’t realize had a nail sticking out :( One big thing to consider is color – on area of our old floors was light (fake) hardwood and it showed *everything.* We switched to darker wood everywhere and it’s been easy to keep looking nice.
Ours were just done by Home Depot and it was an OK experience – not what I would consider ideal (contractors didn’t follow some of our HOA rules because they thought they were stupid and we had to lay down the law on that one and make them pay the fines) but the work quality was good and as first time home remodelers, it was a fairly easy, painless process.
Agree with Jen that maintenance is important. You can get a lot of nicks sanded out and refinished to keep your floors looking like new.
Wanderlust
Has anyone had any experience with “Once A Month Meals”? I’m tempted to try it out, but it’s $16/month so I’d like some feedback first.
SC
I subscribed for a couple of months, and I wasn’t impressed. The meals weren’t very good in our opinion. Since not every dish freezes well, most of the dishes had a soft texture, which got old. And it was a TON of work. It wasn’t worth it to me to sacrifice a whole weekend to shopping and cooking and freezing.
I’ve found it easier to just make a meal for the freezer every now and then (when an ingredient in a dish I like is on sale, or I can easily double a recipe) and use them up occasionally. Other than that, we have a couple of go-to quick meals like tacos or stir fries; buy meat in bulk, vacuum seal and freeze it, throw it in a sous vide when we get home, then sear and serve with veggies; and make stuff that will last a couple of nights (quiche last week). We also enjoy Blue Apron, but don’t use it every week.
BankrAtty
I’m planning a week long trip to Scotland for the first week of September (9 days). Flying in/out of Glasgow or Edinburg. I like scotch, but not enough to build a whole trip around it. Any recommendations or must sees? We’re currently thinking about 3 days in Edinburg followed by a 3-4 days tour to Isle of Skye.
Cb
I live in Edinburgh and some favourites include: walking up Arthur’s Seat (we have a volcano in the middle of our city!) and going to the castle. Weather dependent but the Water of Leith is a really cool walk and the Royal Botanics is amazing (soft spot, I got married there). The museums are lovely but are quite small (and free) so you can pop in for an hour or two – they also have fantastic cafes. Parliament is definitely worth a visit – the architecture is controversial. If you are outdoorsy, there is some good hillwalking within public transport range of the city.
Foodwise: David Bann for veggie food, Monteiths for quite rich traditional foods. There is also a Michelin star restaurant in Leith but I was underwhelmed (disclaimer – would happily eat the same meal everyday so not exactly a foodie). Under the Stairs for cocktails. The Dome if you want to be fancy. And Signet Library – supposed to have one of the best afternoon teas in Scotland!
Places I haven’t been but are on my summer fun list: The Borders Railway, the Jupiter sculpture park, and Hopetoun House.
cbackson
LOVED the Water of Leith. I spent 3 days in Edinburgh and did two long runs there (and one up Arthur’s Seat). It felt magical to me.
Anon
Hey, I used to work at weddings in the Edinburgh botanical gardens! (Many many years ago) I have a soft spot for that place too :)
LondonLeisureYear
Isle of Skye is our favorite. We rented a car and drove around it for a weekend and it was so so so beautiful. Loved it. Plan lodging ahead of time because the towns are small and things sell out. Plan to want to get out of the car a lot to take pictures and to take mini hikes. We found this book helpful:
The Most Amazing Scenic Journeys in Britain: Great Drives of Discovery Through England, Scotland and Wales (Readers Digest)
Enjoy!
Gail the Goldfish
The castle and Arthur’s Seat. Parliament building was interesting. Things I intended to do but didn’t have time: Rosslyn Chapel (as I recall, it’s not in Edinburgh proper, but about a 45 min bus ride) and Holyroodhouse. Just wandering around town was fun. I haven’t been to Isle of Skye, but my friend that lives in Edinburgh and travels around Scotland all the time says it’s her favorite place that she’s been in Scotland, so have fun!
Anonymous
Hopefully you’re still reading this later in the day. If you’re looking for a tour of the Isle of Skye, I was extremely happy with my Macbackpacker tour. They have excellent reviews for a reason. Not for the easily offended and better for you if you’re active and happy to stay in hostels. Incredibly affordable. I really cannot sing their praises enough; one of the best trips I’ve ever taken. My tour group was mainly in their 20s, but as a 30 year old, I certainly wasn’t excluded as the ‘old lady’. we had a fantastic mix of activities, including hiking of course, went to a whiskey distillery, castles, and incredible scenery. Epic Scottish storytelling along the way. Highly, highly recommend.
KateMiddletown
How do you know if you have a sinus infection and need antibiotics or you’re just sick and need mucinex and decongestant? Trying to avoid an expensive and inconvenient trip to the doctor… My head feels like one of those water games where the more viscous liquid drips slowly down into different cavities. Help me feel productive!!!
Bonnie
I usually give it a week before going to the Dr. Try adding a nasal spray into the mix.
anon in SV
Netipot. MAGIC.
Anonymous
I just had a scrip called in for a sinus infection. For me, the tell-tale sign was that it’s only on one side. As in I can breathe totally normally out of my right nostril, but my left is totally clogged and my face feels swollen on that side.
Baconpancakes
Oh man this was my life March-May this year. Most sinus infections start with a cold, which mucinex and decongestants help with, and devolve into a sinus infection, so it’s hard to tell. How long has the congestion lasted? If it’s longer than 10 days, see a doctor. How tender are your sinuses? If lightly tapping them sends you into agony, it’s probably a sinus infection. If it’s just annoying, it’s probably not. When did the infection start? If there was a lot of pollen or sudden exposure to a different allergen, it’s probably an allergy-induced infection, which may not be helped by an antibiotic. Even when a sinus infection IS bacterial, if your sinuses are super clogged and irritated, the antibiotics may not be able to reach the pockets of infection.
Try Flonase first, for about a week, if you have any predisposition to allergies. Calming down the sinus tissues will let everything drain. Take frequent hot shower, and breathe in the steam. If you can get into a steam room, that’s great. Generally avoid “decongestant” sprays as they’re only effective for a few days, and cause more congestion, creating dependency.Neti pots don’t work for me, but a sinus wash did (really aggressive saline squirt bottle that is super terrible and uncomfortable but works).
How often do you get sinus infections? If this is a common thing for you (more than 2x year for multiple years), definitely try Flonase and daily allergy meds, and see a Ear Nose and Throat doc.
Pre-bar gift idea
My friend’s fiancee (also a friend of mine, just not as close – we are going to their wedding later this year) is going to sit the bar next month and I’m sure is heading in to the depths of bar prep (I’m not a lawyer, so…) – my best friend sat it last summer and I sent her a little package two weeks before with coffee pods for her machine, a toy for her dog and a good luck card.
I’d like to do the same thing for her – any suggestions from the lawyers here? If I know she drinks coffee, is that safe to stick with?
January
This sounds perfectly appropriate – and thoughtful!
Anonymous
Coffee is good. Snack foods were much more important for me at least. For me in the last 2 weeks, I was busy pacing and memorizing and wasn’t taking regular breaks for meals — loved having small snack bags around — chips, popcorn, anything bc it ensured I ate something and wasn’t just living on caffeine.
Anonymous
Echoing snacks. Also gum.
Scotland
Seeking travel advice: I’m planning a 9 day trip to Scotland in the first week of September. Trip will begin and end in Glasgow or Edinburg. I like, but don’t love scotch, so I don’t want to take 4 days to go to Islay. We’re thinking about 3 days in Edinburg, following by a 4 day tour of Isle of Skye. Any must sees or great experiences?
Scotland
Sorry for the double post–first one didn’t show up for some reason.