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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 170 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Quilted Ballet Flats

Coffee Break

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Round Toe Ribbon Flat: Paul Mayer Quilted Ballet Flats We've mentioned these simple ballet flats before in round-ups, but I don't think they've ever had their own Coffee Break. Not only did several readers call out these Paul Mayer flats in our last discussion on comfortable ballet flats, but the shoes are bestsellers at Bloomingdale's, where they have nothing but positive reviews. For $225, that’s pretty great! They're available in sizes 5.5-9, in lots of different colors and configurations at Bloomingdale's. Paul Mayer Quilted Ballet Flats Here's a lower-priced option (sizes 4-11.5) and another in five (!) widths (sizes 4-13). (L-5)

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Comments

  1. Newport, RI

    Sorry for the early thread jack…

    I am going to be planning my best friend’s bachelorette party for next May/June in Newport, Rhode Island. I know almost nothing about the area so would love to crowdsource the rest of you. I’ll be looking into AirBNBs, but I have no idea which areas of town I should be looking at. She wants a relaxing weekend and would like something on or very near the water. It would also be great if we could easily walk to restaurants, bars. etc.

    What areas would you guys suggest? Is there a distinction between Newport and Newport Beach?

    Also, if there are any great activities to do other than the beach, or any strong restaurant recommendations, I would love those too. We’re a pretty low-key crowd so not looking to go crazy the whole weekend.

    • Anonymous

      Newport Beach is in California…pretty sure there is no Newport Beach, RI.

    • Anonymous

      I planned this bachelorette party last year. We stayed at the Wellington Resort, and got two adjoining rooms (because we had a big group and this was the best way to accommodate everyone). In addition to beach/pool time, we did a bar evening — we just walked up the main street and found a low-key bar with live music and danced our faces off. I’d also recommend vineyards (particularly Greenvale, which has live jazz on one of the weekend days) and polo if there’s a match on the weekend you pick. We did a sunset cruise with Gansett Cruises, as well. If your group is big, I’d recommend locking in dinner reservations in advance.

    • Elizabeth

      Newport Beach is in California, so don’t look there! Almost everything in Newport RI is near the water, and walk-able. No specific recs, but touring the “mansions” is awesome, tons of great places to eat, the historic architecture is beautiful. Just look on line, you’ll get lots of ideas. Might be best to go before Memorial Day. Won’t be beach weather, think 60’s.

    • gigi

      If you can, go get a drink on the lawn of Castle Hill Inn – it’s beautiful!

  2. fashion don't

    Can we talk about waists?

    I have a very difficult time finding clothes that fit due to my extreme pear shape. Ideally, I need everything that hits my body tailored, which is not practical. It is made even more difficult as I generally cannot figure out where the heck my waist is supposed to be… even when I get it tailored! My tailors are not generally helpful… they just ask “where do you want it?” And several times after tailoring, the pants do not fit right and the rise is screwed up. And these days with all the variation in rises to begin with…. ugh.

    I could almost use a post on different options to deal with the waist. Where it should be on who (not stick thin models) and why. How to accent it properly with lengths of tops/tucks/belts etc.. Skirts vs. pants vs dresses and how it is affected by layering with blazers vs. sweaters.

    Am I the only one?

    • Mpls

      When it comes to garments, your natural waist is where you bend – above the hips and below the rib cage.

      The waistband on pants or a skirt and be wherever you want – at your natural waist, or some distance below. It really just depends on your preferences. I have a high natural waist (am short-waisted) so i like to wear pants with lower waistbands. Where are the waistbands of the clothes you are the most comfortable in?

    • Shopaholic

      This may not be helpful but have you considered getting new tailors? I have an amazing tailor who will just take over and fix my clothes so they fit the way they’re supposed to. (He also tells me when clothes are just not worth it and to return it).

      • Ally McBeal

        Agreed. Find the very best tailor in your area. (In my experience, this is usually someone who does a lot of wedding dress alterations, but who also can do other types of work.) My tailor just fixes clothes so they look good. I don’t really make any decisions, other than to indicate if I want a hem to be shorter or longer.

      • Bonnie

        This. I’ve had great experiences with the tailors at Nordstrom. They should be telling you how to alter the item and if it’s worth altering.

    • Anon

      The woman who runs youlookfab.com gives very specific advice based on body shape. For example, she discusses pear shapes, and goes into detail about different kinds of pear shapes and what clothes are the most flattering.

      Her fashion blog is the only one I’ve seen that talks about so many body types. For example, one post was about whether people have bodies that are more cylindrical vs. oval (if you took a cross section) because people who are the same size can look very different when comparing how wide or narrow they look from the front and the side.

      • Anonymous

        Oh interesting! I never thought of it this way, but I am extremely oval — I look really thin from the side (well, when I’m not pregnant), but my hips are wide so I’m broader from the front. I’m going to have to look for that post.

  3. Jules

    More tales of middle-aged dating:

    I had a dinner date with a very sweet guy last night, who picked me up after work and took me back to my office parking lot about 9:00. We had been parked for a couple of minutes – just talking but definitely with some good-night kissing in the offing – when my ten-years-older male law partner came out to his car in the next space. And I swear took five minutes to load all his briefcases and files in his car. I felt like I did at 17 when my dad rushed out of the house sometime after my curfew to go looking for me, thinking I was murdered somewhere, when in fact I was parked in front of the house with my BF. Which I considered met the definition of being “home” by midnight.

    • TO Lawyer

      LOL this is awesome. I hope you keep posting!

      I was just telling a friend that dating sometimes makes me feel like a teenager again because it brings up all these ridiculous insecurities when in reality, people just get busy and that’s why they’re not replying to my texts instantaneously.

      • flora

        Haha, I so relate…I was considering posting here about exactly what you mention. Went on two great dates with a guy, including one Sunday night. We said we wanted to see each other again soon, and he sent me a nice text yesterday that I responded to in kind…but he hasn’t asked me about weekend plans yet and I’m mildly fretting.

        Why am I so insecure about this? Someone remind my heart that I am 35 and not 17.

        • TO Lawyer

          It’s the uncertainty – it just throws you for a loop.

          The guy I went out with last week is sick right now so I know logically that’s why he hasn’t asked me out again but my insecure brain is freaking out and because I messaged him yesterday, I don’t want to message him again and so now I’m sitting here feeling like a 16 year old instead of just putting my big girl pants on and trying to make plans for another date.

        • Senior Attorney

          OMG I can so relate to this.

          Over the weekend I finally confessed to Lovely Fiance that for the entire first year we were dating, I was convinced he was ghosting me every time I didn’t hear from him for a day or two, or didn’t make weekend plans early in the week. He laughed his head off and said he was sitting by his phone the whole time, wanting to call but fretting because he didn’t want to seem too eager!

          • flora

            Aww, this gives me hope. Maybe I have a Future Lovely Fiance on my hands! <3

    • Ellen

      This is so cool! I hope you get a second date with this guy! You are SO luckey to have a guy who just wants to KISS you good nite. Whenever I find a guy to take me out on a date, they ineviteabley try to do alot more then kiss. True, they do start with kissing, but it does NOT take more then 1 minute before their hand’s wander down to find places they should NOT be, at least until I say so. FOOEY on men like that. Why cant I find a guy like Jules found? DOUBEL FOOEY! There MUST be someone for me out there SOMEWHERE!!!! HELP!!

  4. Newport, RI

    Sorry for double-posting, think I’m in moderation…

    I am going to be planning my best friend’s bachelor*tt* party for next May/June in Newport, Rhode Island. I know almost nothing about the area so would love to crowdsource the rest of you. I’ll be looking into AirBNBs, I just have no idea which areas of town I should be looking at. She wants a relaxing weekend and would like something on or very near the water. It would also be great if we could easily walk to restaurants, bars. etc.

    What areas would you guys suggest? Is there a distinction between Newport and Newport Beach?

    I would also love any suggestions for activities to do in addition to the beach, and any great restaurant recommendations. We’re a pretty low-key crowd.

  5. Stumped

    Can anyone suggest ideas for a mother daughter vacation in August/September? My mom is not very adventurous and can’t walk for long periods of time, which makes it complicated. She doesn’t really drink. I’m not sure what to do with her – it would be nice to do something that doesn’t involve sitting on a beach all day, since she’s had skin cancer. Ideally should be somewhere in the US, Canada, or western Europe.

    • NYtoCO

      This obviously depends on your budget, but if I was in your shoes I would consider going to some resort with an amazing spa. You could just relax by the pool (under an umbrella, of course), eat delicious food, and be pampered.

      • Anonymous

        Following up on this – what about Banff/Jasper/Lake Louise? The Fairmont Banff Springs has a nice spa, it’s in the mountains so it’s not too hot in the summer, plus all three places have good activities to make the outdoors accessible for non-hikers/skiers. Like gondola ride to top of mountain to have lunch and enjoy the view.

    • Veronica Mars

      What about a riverboat cruise? Or a cruise coming out of Charleston? There are lots of on-board activities, you can enjoy the water from the shaded balconies, and it’s a good option to minimize walking.

    • Anonymous

      I plug this place a lot because I grew up going there and I love it, but I think Acadia National Park/Bar Harbor, Maine sounds like a great fit for you. There is a surprising amount of stuff to do in the park without doing serious walking or hiking (driving the Park Loop Road and driving to the top of Cadillac Mountain are two of my favorite things to do, even though I’m physically fit) and Bar Harbor is a cute (albeit touristy) town with great scenery itself. There are lots of boat trips you can do from Bar Harbor, including whale watching and sailing trips. The Bar Harbor Inn is a great place to stay, a bit spendy but the views from the balcony rooms are incredible. The area has excellent food, especially if you like seafood. Happy to provide specific recs if you want them. August and September are both great times to go, although I’d recommend September (avoid Labor Day weekend) for cheaper prices and fewer crowds.

      Cruises are also great options for less active travelers, and you don’t have to go to the Caribbean. There are lots of New England/Canadian Maritimes cruises and you can cruise Europe too.

    • Anon

      Canyon Ranch (just ask for a room close to the main building and she’ll be fine — you can split up and do different activities all day and meet up for meals, or do everything together). Lots of people from all different fitness levels, art classes, cooking classes, great spa treatments, etc. Call and ask about discounts — they always have them.
      Or Ireland — if you can drive a stick you can drive all over the countryside with very little walking. My dad still says it was his favorite trip we ever went on, and when we went he was using a walker.

      • Stumped

        She would probably really love driving around Ireland. I think I may suggest this one first . Thanks all!

      • Gail the Goldfish

        This leads me to a question–how did people learn to drive stick? I’ve never learned, and I can foresee a situation where I want to drive somewhere in a foreign country and automatics aren’t available/are more expensive. None of my friends own a stick shift. How do I learn this?

        • Anonymous

          driving schools have lessons specifically on how to drive a standard (non-automatic)

        • MJ

          Or you can just rent an automatic when you’re abroad :)

          They have them. You just have to specify in advance that you need one.

        • Lyssa

          My (now) husband taught me, and most people I know who know how learned from either their parents or a close friend. This happened when I was around 20, and he drove a stick. I bought one shortly after and have driven stick consistently for the past 16 years.

          FWIW, my dad (very much a car guy) has attempted to teach almost everyone in the family, and failed miserably, but all of the kids wound up learning from friends instead and have driven them at one point or another (though my mom has never learned).

          FWIW again, although I love to drive stick, I do think that it takes some practice to keep it up – I would not feel comfortable driving an automatic most of the time, then trying to start driving an unfamiliar car on unfamiliar foreign roads. Others may be more comfortable with that, though (I don’t really like unfamiliar cars or roads generally).

        • Anonymous

          My dad taught me, because the car my parents got for me to drive to school was a stick. When I graduated college, my first car was a stick, so dad taught my brother’s on my car.

          That being said – all my muscle memory for driving stick is predicated on the shifter being on my right side, so running through the gears with my left hand would be pretty weird. I’m assuming the gas and clutch are in the same relative position on an Irish/British car.

    • SC

      This is more of a mid- to late-September idea. My parents took my grandmother on a cruise out of NYC through New England and Canada a few years ago. She had never been to NYC before, and I think they spent one day there. They went on the red bus tour, had lunch at a deli, and saw a Broadway show. As someone who lived in NYC for 3 years, it seems a little underwhelming, but apparently my grandmother loved it. The cruise had on-board entertainment and dining, lots of views of fall foliage, and stops at places interesting enough to spend a few hours.

      • Anonymous

        Ooh this a good idea. I loved our Alaska cruise and there was basically no walking involved. The best scenery can be seen from the ship (get a balcony cabin!) and at the ports you can take bus or small boat tours.

    • Anonymous

      All my comments are going to moderation when I post from my computer (so frustrating!!) but I recommend Acadia/Bar Harbor, Maine. Lots of stuff to see from the car, boat trips to do, excellent food and there are some nice hotels with incredible views (I’m partial to the Bar Harbor Inn).

    • lawsuited

      Do an Alaskan Cruise! Apparently the best time to go is August, and you could do whatever combination of hanging out on the ship/exploring the different cities you like based on how your mom is feeling day to day.

  6. Anon

    Feeling VERY STUCK. I am beyond miserable at my current job. I love what I do, make a decent salary, have certain perks that I appreciate but the people I work/with are d*bags and rude, backstabbing, shady and cheap. It completely overshadows how much I enjoy the position. I have been applying over the last 2 months and got about 5 interviews and 1 offer. Which I declined, it wasn’t a fit for me after I interviewed. I have also connected with recruiters, scoured indeed etc everyday. I don’t have a “Network” because no one I know is in my industry, or knows people in my industry either. Most family/friends aren’t a help either because they lack ambition/limiting beliefs. Don’t know what to do…. I wish I could take time off and just focus on my grad school which I have only a year left of. But that isn’t an option.

    • Ellen

      You need to find a MAN to date, and hopefully MARRY. With a man, you will have good OXYTOCINS, and you will be alot happier then you are now. I know when I was dateing Sheketovits, I could always come home and talk out my issues with him. He mainly did NOT listen to much or say to much, but he was like a pet rock that at least was supportive of my thoughts. Of course, he did that b/c he would then jump my bones and I was OK with that, at least then, until the drunkedness took over his mind. TRIPEL FOOEY!

    • Anon

      I’m sorry. I would work on expanding your network. Maybe you could go to a conference? Even if you have to pay it would probably be worth it. But it could be worse — you could be spending today applying for unemployment like I am. :( Just keep pushing forward.

      • Anonymous

        Having been both laid off (gently fired really) and sitting at home collecting unemployment and stuck in a miserable job that I felt like I couldn’t quit, I can honestly say the latter is worse.

        OP, it’s a great sign that you’re getting interviews! I’m confident you’ll find something good soon. I think sometimes to get out of a miserable job you just have to take the first decent thing that comes along. Obviously you shouldn’t take a job that seems like it will be as bad as your current one, but I’d be hesitant to write things off as “not a fit.” You might take a job that you think is not a fit and find out it actually is. Or even if it’s not, you won’t be in such a bad mental place and will have more energy to focus on networking and applying for new jobs. I exited my miserable job by taking a not-great-but-tolerable job, and segued that into my dream job. I don’t believe I would have been able to get dream job while I was at miserable job, because I basically came home every night after work and cried myself to sleep, so I wouldn’t have even had the energy to apply. Something that is ok but not great might be a big improvement for your mental health, and mental health really affects every aspect of your life. Just something to think about :)

        • Anon

          Thanks for the response!

          Trust me it wasn’t a fit! it would have been going from the frying pot to the fire. It was a 3 hour long interview in which the manager went off on tangents. He could not clearly define responsibilities of the role, nor what success indicators for the position were. He said he “just wanted someone that could make it happen.” He brought in two women to interview me at the same time, one of which rolled her eyes and sighed at me when I was listing my qualifications and said “I don’t care about your resume. tell me why you want to work here.” In the most aggressive and catty way I have seen from a woman since high school. He (the manager) also spent an HOUR telling me how much he would miss the girl that was leaving the position and how she was a ‘great girl’ with a ‘good relationship with her boyfriend’ and that even though she was leaving, she would still be involved. So not an employee but still able to call me and make sure I am doing things currently ‘in case’ one day she comes back. THEN on top of all this Bullsh* I said my salary requirements and he tried to over me $20k less if I would take the job on the spot. So YES, it was not a fit. LOL trust me. But still! Good idea about taking a tolerable job till I find the one I actually want…. that sounds like exactly what I should do.

      • Anon

        I think you’re right! I am working on expanding by joining almost 10 Facebook groups to connect with like minded indiiduals, I have attended career fairs and I am thinking of going to in person events. I like virtual networking much better though because it seems that you can reach more people, with no location limitation and from the comfort of your home (introvert here :) )

  7. "Hormones"

    I am feeling sort of betrayed by a passingly-sexist comment my boss made. Not to me, and note even intended for me to hear. Maybe I need to be told to get over it?

    So the background is: the executive wing of our office is tiny, everyone has their doors open to a central hall, and everyone hears one another, by design. We have two outside lawyers working on a thing for us, and they aren’t getting along. In my opinion, it’s two smart, stubborn a-hole lawyers, so of course they’re butting heads. In my further opinion, two smart lawyers should be able to make the relationship work without bringing their client into the middle of their disagreements. I guess these lawyers aren’t THAT smart.

    ANYWAY, one a-hole is a man (Man), one is a woman (Woman). My boss (a man) was on the phone with Man, and I heard my boss saying, “well, if that buys us some time to not deal with Woman, and *her hormones* all the better.” (For the record, Woman has done nothing more irrational or impulsive or whatever than Man has. They’re really just lawyers butting heads.)

    And it was kind of a gutting thing to overhear? Because I guess I see no reason that I wouldn’t be painted with the same brush? But clearly Man, and my boss, wouldn’t be accused of letting their hormones run away with them. I’ve just into so so so many instances of not being taken seriously because I’m a woman, and I was hoping that my boss was “one of the good ones” who really wouldn’t care, but … perhaps not.

    • Anonymous

      Yep, definitely a sexist remark and a hard thing to hear as a young woman, but sadly not at all uncommon.

    • Anon

      Yep, unequivocally sexist. I’m sorry. I’m not sure what recourse there is since it wasn’t said to your face, but now you know who is two-faced.

    • Senior Attorney

      This is how privileged people talk about less-privileged people when they think they’re alone. It’s horrible. I would have a hard time getting over it, too.

      If it were me, I’d find a way to call him on it. Like saying at the appropriate time, “Wow, I guess Man is suffering from a testosterone overdose today!” Or “I guess Man is having insecurity issues about his [man parts].” But that may not be the best idea if it’s your boss…

      • Lynnet

        If one of my (male) bosses is in a bad mood, I’ll frequently tell my other (male) boss something along the lines of “Wow, Boss1 is on the rag today!” Which Boss2 thinks is absolutely hilarious, and gets across my point that everyone acts irrational and hormonal sometimes.

        Obviously, this is a know your office kind of thing, but since the women in my office are generally MUCH less emotional and irrational than the men, it doesn’t cause much blowback the other way.

  8. Betty

    Question about working remotely: I live in an area that is a major tourist destination for the next two months of the year. Last fall, my company moved office locations. It didn’t lengthen my commute but placed more of that commute on the interstate. With the tourist season now upon us, my regular 20-25 minute commute each way has extended to one hour plus about three days per week (think heinous beach traffic). Is this a legit reason to ask to work from home once per week? If so, how do I go about approaching my boss with this?

    A bit of additional detail: Of our seven person department, four have alternative work arrangements, including my boss (one person is “taking the summer off” unpaid, one works one day per week from home and two work from alternative locations for months of the year). I am the only person in our department who commutes with the traffic and has been hit by the change of office locations/tourist issue.

    • Anonymous

      I would absolutely ask for an alternative work arrangement, given all the facts you described.

    • anon a mouse

      In your shoes, I would definitely ask. Frame it as better for your productivity. “With the office move, I’m finding that the summer traffic has more of an impact than I expected. I’d like to request to telework one day a week and expect that I’ll be better able to focus on that day after not fighting the traffic.”

      Not quite the same thing, but I did something similar in DC with all of Metro’s SafeTrack work and my boss approved it without batting an eye. Good luck!

    • Meg Murry

      Unless your job duties are significantly different than the other people that work remotely (you have some type of walk-in business that they don’t, etc), I think it’s completely reasonable for you to propose that you also work from home 1 (or more) days a week. I don’t even think you need to justify it as extra traffic – just ask, and propose how you would make it work. Do you have what you need to make working from home successful, like a quiet space to work, a company laptop, high speed internet, a reliable phone you can forward you work line to, etc? Or would you need additional things in order to make the setup work?

      You could also propose it as a trial that you will re-evaluate in (3, 6, whatever) months.

      I’d include in the proposal:
      -what day(s) you would suggest, and what hours you would keep on those days
      -specific work that you can do from home (and ideally something about how you could get more done with uninterrupted blocks of time)
      -how people could reach you (forward your work phone, available via IM, etc)
      -how you would handle emergencies or one offs – could you still make it in for important meetings, etc?

  9. New Tampanian

    I start vacay on Thursday and CANNOT WAIT. Our entire offices closes down the week of the 4th (an amazing thing) but for some reason everyone needs everything before Friday. Even though I gave all of the other departments a heads up that myself and my superior would be out of the office starting Thursday.

    MAKE IT STOP.

    Also… I just remembered I have first class seats on my flights (I used points and these were the “cheapest” seats). WAHOO!

    • Anonymous

      Yayyyy vacation! I’m going to Cancun next week and also CANNOT WAIT all caps! Not first class though, unless AA surprises me with an upgrade. ;)

  10. Desk Chair Recs?

    My husband and I both work from home on nights and weekends on a regular basis, and our shared desk chair is awful. We are moving, and we want to use this opportunity to upgrade to something that isn’t spine-destroying and patched up with tape. He is a foot taller than I am, so we want something adjustable and usable at extremes of height. Any recs?

  11. Staycation Advice?

    I’m taking next week off (as is my husband) and we have two kids at home. This is it for my summer vacation, and I am concerned that my “vacation” is going to devolve into attacking all the projects that I never otherwise have time for and end up more exhausted at the end of the week. Any advice for making it an actual vacation for a person who has a hard time just relaxing and not doing all the things all the time?

    • Emmer

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking SOME time to tackle those projects, particularly if you’re going to be stressing about not doing them if you try to relax. Can you set aside just a few hours on a few days to make progress on them? Or can you and your husband trade off a few days of each of you enjoying yourselves and relaxing while the other handles home projects?

    • Anonymous

      Make a specific plan for activities for each day and tell the kids. Nothing will get you out the door in the morning like a couple of kids who know they are going to the zoo/waterpark/u-pick farm etc

      Budget in a bit of home project time too.

    • Anon in NYC

      If you have a ton of chores to do around the house, set aside 1 hour a day to tackle them. That will make you feel productive but not eat up your entire vacation. Remind yourself that your vacation is time to recharge with your husband and kids.

      Do you have family nearby who would be willing to take the kids for a day? If so, do that, and plan a day with your husband where you go have lunch in a restaurant, get massages or go to a spa, and then get a drink afterwards. Another day, book a yoga class for a time when you’re normally in the office. Also, plan to do some things with the kids that take a few hours (zoo, splash park, movies, etc.). Have a movie afternoon at home, where you make popcorn and turn off all the lights (and maybe take a nap).

    • SC

      I’ll be the voice of dissent and say (based on your post) that you should not do the projects. You wouldn’t do them if you were going out of town for vacation, and it sounds like you need a real break, not just personal days to tackle a project. So, schedule some time on another weekend to do the projects, and keep telling yourself that that’s not what this vacation is for. Plan some fun activities for the week, and schedule downtime and/or naps for you and the kids.

    • Anonymous

      Make plans. Day One: theme park, Day Two: beach, Day Three: hike and ice cream, Day Four: backyard cookout.

    • Staycation Advice?

      Thank you for the advice. Our youngest still naps, so we try to be home for a few hours in the afternoon. I think I will split that time between “me” time and getting stuff done. And yes, there is no motivation to get out of the house like an elementary school kid who has been promised ice cream/the beach/the movies, etc.

    • Meg Murry

      Can you talk to your husband about each of you scheduling a time (a morning, an afternoon or a couple of hours a few times during the week) as each being “off” to do something fun/relaxing, and the other is 100% on kid duty during that “time off”. Then you need to pick something to do during your “me time” that you would enjoy – reading a book or seeing a movie you’ve never gotten around to while drinking a glass of wine, going out with a friend you rarely see, getting a haircut/mani-pedi/massage, going to a gym class in the middle of the day that you otherwise never make it to, etc.

      Alternately, plan a couple of “get stuff done” days where you tackle 1-2 smaller projects and the regular household stuff, a couple of “fun days” where you go do staycation-y things like go to the pool or local museum, and a couple of “relaxing” days where you have a movie night or play board games, etc.

  12. Nati

    Paging Canadienne and Ottawan –

    It’s “The Silent Treatment” or as I’m more commonly known, Nati. I wanted to thank you both for your kind words as I undertook my federal language testing last week. I got my CBC designation and was offered the position. I start in early August. My boyfriend and I officially broke up last night. It was not a surprise but still hurts. I am trying to focus on what comes next – finding a place to live in Ottawa, wrapping up loose ends at my current job, etc.

    If there’s anything you think I must know as someone about to move to your city, please do share! But otherwise please accept this post as my sincere thanks.

    • Canadienne

      This probably makes me sound super crazy but my building has a unit for rent, it’s pretty “luxury” but since Ottawa has a lower COL than Toronto it’s about the same price as an average unit in Toronto. Plus it’s in the ‘nicest’ neighbourhood so gourmet food, lots of yoga studios ect. Most people work for the government in the neighbourhood because it’s a 5-15 minute commute depending on which agency.

      • Nati

        Are you in Centretown? I’m not sure which neighbourhood is considered the nicest but I’ve heard good things about that one! Do you mind sharing your building’s address so I can try to find adds for it? If you’re not comfortable posting it publicly please let me know and I’ll make and post a burner email.

        Thanks a lot!

        • Canadienne

          No not centretown. That’s not really the best neighborhood, lots of slum lords and students (but china town is there so lots of delicious food). The ad for my building isn’t even up yet but when it is I’ll post it. I’d recommend westboro (my neighbourhood) everything you can ever need is within a km of gentrified beauty. Its far enough from parliament to avoid tourists but very central and safe, pretty much any ‘cool’ restaurant or fitness studio or specialty store opening up is here. I’d also look into hintonburg, its one neighbourhood over but still in the process of gentrifying and boarders centretown so its not as safe, but still nice and lots of cool things to do.

    • Canadienne

      Congrats! I am so happy on your behalf! Some how I managed to forget to say that with all the excitement of another smart accomplished woman coming to my city

    • Senior Attorney

      1. Yay!! Congratulations!!

      2. Ouch! But you did the right thing. You deserve better than that and it will find you!

      Big hugs!

      • Nati

        Thanks SA! I know this is the right path regardless of how hard it feels right now. I really appreciate all the positive, kind words.

    • AMB

      Yay! I had meant to get back to that thread and offer my e-mail as I have done those exams so many times but so pleased to hear about your success. CBC is tough!
      I agree with the above recommendations but would suggest Hintonburg over Westboro – I lived there for a few years and its a bit more family centric, and places tend to close really early. Nice amenities though. I live in the Glebe which I love, which is also close to downtown, with lots of shops and restaurants but it is a bit pricier. Pretty good for public transit too.

      • Nati

        Thanks for the recommendations! As you can tell I’m not very familiar with Ottawas different neighbourhoods, but I will get to be over the coming month as I start to make weekend trips to check out places.

        As for the testing, I’m really happy the CBC requirement is common (as opposed to just straight CCC) because I found the written expression test quite hard as someone who has never used my French in a professional context. That said, I’m sure the lingo will come in no time.

  13. Feminism

    I missed this morning’s discussion that had some good posts about the meaning of feminism. However, I wanted to add that “feminism is about equality” isn’t the definition that all feminists subscribe to. Feminism is about freeing women from male violence and oppression so they can live full, happy lives free of discrimination and fear. I don’t care about being equal with those who oppress me – I want to be able to do my own thing free of their yoke. Something to think about!

    • Cc

      But that is just one of the after effects of equality, yes? You can’t have that without equality, otherwise you just have a benevolent ruling gender and you are at risk of having it revoked at any time. You have to be equal in order to not be opressed (in the abstract, not on an individual level. For example, I need women to be seen as just as intelligent and capable as men. It doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize that some men are more intelligent and capable than me)

      • Feminism

        Yes, I agree with you in a way, but unfortunately, I’ve seen SO many women preach that feminism is about equality and choice – and therefore we should all be rushing for the C-suite, pretending we don’t need maternity leave or breastfeeding facilities, changing the way we speak, adhering to rigid “professional” fashion rules, and otherwise trying to “fit in” in a man’s world. The world I envision would be much different, but it might align with what you mean to say that if we valued women’s bodies as much as we do men’s, maybe society would naturally equalize its accommodations and opportunities for all.

        • anonymous

          I think that people hear the word “equality” and think that women mean “we want our lives to be the same as men’s.” Ergo, pretending we don’t need maternity leave, or we don’t breastfeed, or it’s C-suite or bust. I see a lot of people speaking about feminism this way- sometimes in a derogatory manner- by saying that feminism means erasing femininity, acting like men, pretending you don’t have female attributes, or answering emails while you’re in labor so that no one is inconvenienced.

          I think part of this is a reaction to basic gender stereotyping- the desire to show that it is ok/acceptable for a woman to work, work while having kids, wear a suit, work late hours, go for the C-suite. But that’s not the full version of what feminism is aiming for, in my view, and not a full version of what “equality” is.

          The other parts are equal treatment and equal opportunity. Not equal attributes/outcomes. I want maternity leave, I want breastfeeding facilities, because these items allow me to have opportunities equal to men’s. I do not want to be treated negatively on the basis of my gender. I don’t want to pretend that I am a man– I want an equal playing field for men and women.

  14. Anon

    Me again….. Can I just say I am SO overwhelmed with my career right now and the decisions surrounding it. Plus being in MBA grad school. I s it bad that I am ELATED not to have kids right now. I cannot imagine doing it with kids!!!!!!!
    I would be in tears every single day.

    Besides that, my mother always let me know how much having us kids ruined her life and career. I had a negative childhood. Very impoverished with a manipulative control freak mother.

    Really thinking of pushing the kid thing till 29.

    • Anonymous

      So? It is seriously not a problem to wait until you are 29 or 30 or 32 to have kids. Not a problem at all if you don’t want them now!!

      • Anonymous

        +1 Everyone at my law office basically thought I was ‘having kids young’ because I had a kid at 31. The average age was 35-37. Total ancedata but obv have a kid when you want a kid.

      • Anon

        No need to be rude honey, where I am from, that is considered waiting till very late.

        • Anon at 4:04

          No one has been rude to you. People were reassuring that you didn’t need to worry.

          I was suspicious of the original post but responded. Should have trusted my gut that this was a troll post.

          • Anon

            I think you are the troll. And starting off with “So?” is extremely rude. Curious what kind of person you are if you think otherwise.

          • Anon at 4:04

            you’re not even doing a good job at trolling… You’re responding to the wrong anon. You’re responding to the anon at 3:48 not 4:04.

          • Uh-huh, sure

            Eyeroll (now that’s actually rude). The “So?” is the kind you say with a shrug, not the kind you say with a sneer, or at least that’s how I read it.

            As for being outside of your local norms…so what (shrug)? It’s not outside of the larger norms, so maybe you just need to readjust what/who you are measuring yourself against.

  15. Project Gemini

    Not loving these shoes. Do not think $225 for a pair of silver quilted shoes that vaguely remind me of an old space suit is pretty great. They’re not as bad in just regular black, but I still can’t get behind paying more than $200 for ballet flats. Ever.

    • Wildkitten

      These look like they came from payless and would be appropriate for a high schooler to wear on the weekend.

      • Project Gemini

        Agreed. I really don’t like the quilted look for ballet flats, it looks like a puffy vest on a shoe. Also, the weird elastic around it reminds me of the way babies’ shoes are kept on.
        Long story short: I’m really judgy about shoes. My mom and grandma both started refusing to shoe shop with me starting about high school.

        • Wildkitten

          I’m NOT judgy about shoes, but these are SO MUCH the shoes of an intern who doesn’t know what professional adults wear in the office.

  16. Anonie

    What are some Facebook groups you ladies are a part of – for networking?

      • Anonymous

        +1. Facebook is 100% personal. I’m not friends with colleagues and don’t do anything work-related there.

    • Coach Laura

      I’m a regular group participant on LinkedIn, but not facebook, for networking. Alumni associations for my grad and undergrad, department alumni group for undergrad, industry networking group association, alumni of Fortune 50 company group, etc. I assume that there are alumni associations on FaceBook too, that might be good.

    • Wildkitten

      When I got fired someone posted a facebook community with job postings. I don’t remember what it was because my brain was mushy mush mush. Still mush.

    • CountC

      None. I am a member of my law school’s alumni page, but it’s used for event promotion and gets almost no traffic. FB is for personal use only.

      I am a member of a few LinkedIn groups that I suppose are networking groups, but I have found that in-person is light years better for networking purposes than anything online.

  17. Ann

    Did anyone else get their Nordstrom Anniversary Sale catalogue yet? It looked like the 90’s were back, especially with the casual clothes and handbags.

    • All the Cake

      I haven’t got a hard copy yet, but I looked through the online version today. I did not see a single thing I would order. I can’t say that I’ve been overwhelmed by anniversary sale catalogs in past years either though–I do usually find 2 or 3 items out of the sale that I really like, but it’s never a bonanza for me like it seems to be for others.

    • Anon

      Yeah–not enthused by much of it. I really hoped that cropped jeans with booties would die a quick death, mostly because they are really impractical in my cold northern city. Not a fan.

      There were a few shoes that were dead-on copies of shoes I owned in the late 90s. Wasn’t excited about much. Sometimes the catalog is swoon-worthy and I WANT ALL THE THINGS, but not this year. Will still stock up on undies and tights though.

      • Anonymous

        I am HATING that the 90s are back. I hate the shapes, the colors, the textures. I didn’t like it the first time around, and I don’t like it now.

        I was also, as a result, really disappointed with the Anniversary Sale catalog. =(

    • NOLA

      I got mine last night and only had a few minutes to look at it before running out to have dinner with a job candidate. I was pretty much determined not to buy anything this year, but the one page of red shoes… I was dying over! The ones with the pointy toe and the studs along the top of the heel and the chunky heel red suede mary janes. I don’t know. I could be in trouble. Otherwise, I wasn’t excited about anything I could actually afford.

  18. NYNY

    Just got back from presenting to my org’s CFO on why they invested in me and my team. I’m 1.5 years into a newly-created position, and my business plan was approved 6 months ago. It went really well, and I was able to get some of my staffers face time with senior leadership. Win!

  19. San Diego?

    What areas of San Diego are best for a weeklong family vacation? One toddler, one high school, two very tired parents who desperately need a getaway:) We’d like to be close to the beach and would prefer that we not have to drive more than an hour or so for other attractions…but haven’t gotten too much further than that with our last-minute planning. Will probably do VRBO or similar.

  20. Frivolous question time

    What do people think of Hiddleswift? Real? Fake? I like her and her music but am having a hard time believing this is all happening so fast – it’s been what, two weeks and they’ve already flown around the world to meet both sets of parents? I kind of suspect she might be trying to control the media narrative and avoid getting painted as the poor heartsick dumped girl again. But am curious what other people think

    • Anonymous

      If getting in Tom Hiddlestone’s pants were a viable option for me I would waste zero time getting after that. Flying around the world is no big deal for them. I tend to think she and Calvin just drifted apart, but in any case I would encourage any woman in her young 20s with Taylor’s options to fully avail herself of the smorgasbord of the world’s hottest men. I’m not invited to that party but someone should enjoy it.

      • Anonymous

        Haha I don’t think he’s that attractive (for a celebrity obviously, he’s certainly better looking than most guys). Swiftie and I have very different taste in men though. I’m “meh” on Hiddleston, Calvin Harris, Jonas and Lautner and think John Mayer and Harry Styles are just gross. The only one of her guys I find attractive is Jake G.

    • Mindy

      I hope it’s just a fling because Hiddleston is more age appropriate for me and he’s just dreamy.

    • Anonymous

      I can’t help but feel like she’s getting away with something…? If Calvin Harris had done to her what she appears to have done to him, the celebrity press would be all over him, right? I mean, I get it, I’m enamored of TSwift, too. And she can do whatever she wants in her personal life, obvs. And maybe it’s just because I want to be the little spoon to Calvin Harris’s big spoon. But I can’t help but feel bad for the guy (ugh, to the extent that we can really ever feel bad for rich white celebrities having minor relationship problems, lol) and I feel like she’s getting out of this pretty consequence-free.

      All that being said, can’t wait for her next album. This time in her life should produce some good music!

      • Wildkitten

        I don’t think the celebrity press would be worried about Taylor Swift’s hurt feelings. 1. She’s a badass. 2. She would turn her feelings into songs that make billions of dollars. If I could make a billion dollars from artistic inspiration after a break up I would be dating and dumping everyone.

    • Anonymous

      A cynical part of me wonders if she knew a long-term stable relationship wasn’t good for her artistically, and broke it off so she could have another fling to write music about. Crazier things have happened… and I agree with the anon above me. Seems like she treated Calvin like dirt.

  21. Masha Gordon

    Wow – now that is how you combine career, kids, and personal goals! I am always so in awe of these superwomen. The story is the first one at this link (to follow).

  22. Advice about destinations in Nova Scotia?

    Any advice about a getaway in early July in Nova Scotia? This is for a honeymoon. I’m doing trip research for my dear friend who is one of the brides (and who is up to her eyeballs in coordinating other things, as you can imagine). The wedding is next week and after that they want to disappear somewhere for a few weeks. They’ll drive from Massachusetts.

    Ideally they want access to nature & somewhere not too hectic. Lesbian-friendly accommodations are a plus. If they go to Nova Scotia they’ll take the ferry from Portland, Maine, to Yarmouth.

    Any advice about specific lodgings or locations is appreciated.

    • Anonymous

      Glenora Inn and Distillery is a lovely property. Has a main lodge, cabins, a scotch distillery, great food and live music on property. It’s in Cape Breton, so a long drive from the ferry and quite remote. Beautiful area near great hiking.

      Baddeck is also great. Much more of a village, on a giant saltwater lake, great sunsets and sailing.

    • Anonymous

      I went on the Yarmouth ferry and it’s a rough crossing! Bring sea sickness meds if you are at all prone to that. No specific recs for NS because I went as a kid but I remember it being really beautiful.

    • Ally McBeal

      I adored our vacation on Prince Edward Island if she has any interest in that.

      • lawsuited

        If they’re willing to go to PEI, I recommend the Inn at Bay Fortune which is owned and operated by Chef Michael Smith and his wife. I’ve heard from friends and family that it is amazing!

    • Anonymous

      Oh my, Yarmouth to Baddeck is about 7 hours of driving! Also, Celtic Lodge is lovely but rustic and about 2 hours further from that.

      “a few weeks” in Nova Scotia/the Maritimes is heaven on earth in my mind, having grown up there. I spent my honeymoon in Maine and New Hampshire, which is kind of the opposite of what they are doing. Almost like home but not quite…

      Tourism Nova Scotia – http://www.novascotia.com – is a great place to start, although I’m sure you figured that out. White Point Beach Resort on the south shore isn’t TOO far from Yarmouth and is lovely, if rustic. Kejimikujik National Park isn’t far from there and is spectacular. They could wander up the coast, with lots of beautiful places to stop, stay and eat along the way including the Lunenburg, Mahone Bay, the Annapolis Valley (check out Jost Winery if they get a chance). There’s whale watching, hiking, boating, bike rentals – you name it. They don’t call Nova Scotia “Canada’s Ocean Playground” for nothing! Your friends could do the Cabot Trail in Cape Breton (driving or biking) and have time for PEI and New Brunswick too. There are tons of fabulous restaurants in Halifax.

      I can’t think there is anyplace in Nova Scotia that wouldn’t be warm and welcoming for them. The people there are just the best (and they love Americans from the “Boston States”) and if they get good weather on top of this they might never want to go back! Congratulations to your friends and lucky them for having you help plan this amazing adventure. I hope they LOVE it. I’m homesick just typing this.

    • trefoil

      All of NS is surprisingly LGBTQ friendly, especially Halifax.

      All my Halifax recommendations are dated, but pick up a copy of The Coast (free weekly paper) for local listings.

      Off the beaten track recommendation: Guysborough County. Seawind Inn in Charlos Cove is gorgeous, and when I was there offered guided sea kayaking. Great beaches at Tor Bay and all along the shore, and Guysborough town has a coffee roastery and microbrewery.

    • Bluenoser

      +1 to the recommendations for the South Shore (Chester, Mahone Bay, Lunenburg) and the Annapolis Valley. Beautiful little towns in both those areas. There is a winery tour in the Valley (Magic Wine Bus Tour? Or something?) that is a nice little day trip around all the beautiful vineyards in the area. My favourite wine was at Gaspereau Vineyards but Luckett’s is the nicest view – it’s a good place for lunch.

      If they like outdoorsy things, definitely hike or camp Kejimkujik. Beautiful nature and I think you can do a tour of the Mi’kmaq petroglyphs. There is also the Keji seaside adjunct park on the South Shore down towards Liverpool which is a great spot for a day hike. There’s a white sand beach with pine trees on the shoreline, which is kind of a trip. Every time I’ve been there are seals in the water.

      There are sea kayak tours run out of a bunch of places, including Halifax.

      They might think about renting a cottage somewhere at least for part of the trip for a homier/private feel. It might be pretty early for the beach most places but the warmest water is on the Northumberland Strait (which would put them near the ferry to PEI – also worth visiting).

      Halifax should be lovely this time of year – the patios will be open downtown and the Public Gardens will be in bloom. There’s definitely a LBGTQ community to tap into if they’re interested in that. As another poster mentioned, The Coast is a good resource for what’s going on in town (free alternative weekly – distributed all over the place in newspaper boxes and cafes/boutique stores). There are lots of good restaurants. I particularly recommend brunch at Edna and dinner at The Bicycle Thief. Stillwell (craft beer) or Lion and Bright (cocktails, also local beers) for a drink.

      Oh, and a day trip to Peggy’s Cove for the quintessential postcard experience.

      There are lots of little museums scattered all over the province too – heritage houses, a working old fashioned farm, a coal miner’s museum, etc.

      Also, Nova Scotians are friendly. It’s the kind of place you really can strike up a conversation with locals and ask for recommendations in the area, especially in the smaller towns.

  23. I'll take Manhattan

    If you lived in a smaller town and had a trip to Manhattan coming up this summer, what are the must do shopping recommendations? No big department stores. I have LK Bennett and Zara on my list so far. Maybe Uniqlo.

      • I'll take Manhattan

        Do they have a US location? I can’t find it on their website.

        • Anokha

          They do! There’s a location in Soho and I second the Comptoir des Cotonniers rec. I also really love Reiss, which is UK based, but has stores in NYC

    • Stumped

      MM LaFleur has a store somewhere near Soho, I think. If you like Zara, it and two of the H&M brand stores are also near there – &otherstories and COS. There Zara there is a madhouse, though. Also, the Moma store is nearby and Muji. Both fun to browse around in.

  24. Recently married - tax withholding

    Can anyone point me in the direction of some good resources for how to figure out how to adjust withholdings to avoid a bloodbath come tax time? We got married earlier this month and, in case it makes a different on how you’d direct me, we have a wide income gap (230K vs 45K).

    Thank you!

    • Anon

      I’d talk to an accountant. I tried to take care of it myself with online resources and we still got hit with a $2.5K tax bill. That was with taking 0 exemptions, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Getting hit with a big bill at tax time is no fun, but there’s no financial penalty for it, so if you update the withholdings now you’re just giving the govt an interest free loan. Just prepare yourself for a big tax bill come April. With those numbers, you will definitely get slammed.

      • Recently married - tax withholding

        Hmmm, advice on how to quantify the hit? I’m okay with putting money aside knowing i’ll get hit, but i’d like to be able to approximate if i need to set aside 5k or 20k.

      • TheElms

        You can be assessed a penalty for underpaying your taxes. I don’t think it is likely in this scenario, but it is possible. It happened to my husband and I in year 2 of marriage because we have yet to figure out the correct withholding.

      • Senior Attorney

        Au contraire. There can be a financial penalty for a big tax bill at tax time, unless you did not owe money last year.

        I’m not super worried about the “giving the government an interest free loan” thing, what with interest rates being so stupidly low these days. Talk to an accountant — it will be money well spent.

    • Anon in NYC

      Yes, talk to an accountant. You will be taxed as if you’ve been married for all of 2016, so chances are you’ve been under withholding for the first part of the year. An accountant should be able to give you a good sense of what you will owe for the full year, and you can either choose to up your withholdings or set aside money in a savings account every month.

      FWIW, even before speaking to an accountant, I would have both of you update your tax withholdings to “Married withhold at the higher single rate.”

    • AZCPA

      Yes, your best resource is a tax accountant. Don’t try and figure this out on your own unless you have a high tolerance for error.

  25. Mariah

    Thread jack:
    A couple of weeks ago someone recommended listening to the Hamilton soundtrack. Wasn’t familiar with it.
    I’ve listened to it every day since. Obsessed. SO SO SO obsessed.

    • Carrots

      Check out some of the Ham4Ham videos as well. The actors that have played King George do an AH-MAZING lip sync of the Schyler Sisters and it is hi-larious.

    • CountC

      That’s a significant stretch – I wouldn’t think so. Your better bet is finding a cobbler to put a gusset in.

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