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Updated: Dec 20, 2018 217 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Button-Cuff Ponte Shift Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This button-cuff dress from Ann Taylor looks really cute. I like the bright, happy blue and the loose but still flattering shift cut — not as body-con as a sheath style. It has a hidden back zip and is machine washable. It's almost sold out in the black, which I think is a really good sign, but it's in stock in sizes XS–XXL in the blue. Full price, it's $119, but today's 40%-off discount (with code WRAPITUP) brings it down to just $71.40. Button-Cuff Ponte Shift Dress Over at Ann Taylor's sister brand, Loft, there's a plus-size dress with button cuffs (although they're a bit different from these), and like this one, it's machine washable. It's available in navy in sizes 16–26 and is on sale for 60% off of $89.50, which makes it only $35.80! This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. Prolific Speaker

    PSA that if you will be speaking at a conference or have other speaking events/presentations in the year ahead, now is a great time to pick up dresses with sleeves. It becomes much harder to find work-appropriate dresses with sleeves once the spring styles come out, and many are on sale now. I’ll post a few examples I found in a comment below.

  2. Anonymous

    I feel like I am having a Charlotte York moment: I have been shopping since I am 14. WHY AM I NOT DONE?!

    This is a lovely dress. I am sure I do not need it. But I feel like in order to have something to wear, I have a closet of B- items and I tolerate them, always happy to donate to Goodwill when I have a chance to upgrade. But I think that those B- are all the best of the prior year’s attempts at upgrading.

    SMH

    Doesn’t help that despite largely being the same size for THREE decades, I have gone from student to working-in-skirt-suit-and-pantyhose to biz-caz to -no-pajamas-or-crocs. Always something new. When will I be done???

    Envying my medical friends, who just own scrubs, athleisure, and one Lilly Pulitzer dress to go out in (SEUS).

    • Veronica Mars

      That’s why I love jewelry. I can have B- clothes and A+ jewelry that never gets stained, ripped, too small or out of style.

      • Anon

        such a good perspective. I have A+ jewelry and A- clothes, but I’m starting to realize I’m overdressed for my office, which is going more and more casual.

    • Anon

      I’m 49 years old and have been the same weight (+ or – 5 lbs) since college. Most people consider me thin, so my size does not usually restrict what styles I can wear. A good thing, but the options add to the confusion of settling on a look. I work in Finance, make a lot of presentations and need to dress professionally for work. When I started reading this board two years ago, I went wild mail ordering ALL THE THINGS recommended. This involved many packages arriving with things that looked fine on me. Fine is fine but not great. (hello B minus!) I’m pulling back now and returning to my roots of a few pant suits with fitted stretchy long & short sleeved tops or real silk blouses (hard to find!) plus a lot of fitted dresses. I’m a Lands End sheath fan, particularly in the Summer (also in SEUS) because I can wash them, but they end up looking tired after a season. My holy grail of dresses are the J McLaughlin ones. Solid colors work best for me, but I have to be careful they are not too short. They wash beautifully and wear like iron. Unfortunately, I have a few that are not exactly right bc I bought them on sale – a pattern that gets on my nerves after a while or a little too short. (hello B minus!) My wake up moment this year was deciding not to worry about/fall prey to sales. Now I go get a dress if I need it, whether it is 20% off at J McLaughlin or not. So liberating! My stuff is becoming A minuses and B plusses! And I might be saving money by not constantly donating B minuses! I TOTALLY get you, Charlotte. :)

      • Anonymous

        Are you me (but I am stuck with the B- still)?

        I do get having A accessories (thank you Silence of the Lambs and my obsession with no cheap / worn shoes), even if I am always doing an annual-ish refresh on anything suede / with skinny heels / overly worn workwear shoes.

      • Anonymous

        Op here — I am a year younger than you, maybe similar sizing (no bikini model, but trim and good for an office person who has been sitting behind a computer 40+ hours a week for decades).

        I am finding just when I can let myself go (slacker casual biglaw, 2 kids, working spouse), I feel like I need to be able to whip out my A game when I am on travel for work / with clients / speaking / possibly running into Important People. Faded skinny jeans (or worse) are OK for rainy days when I know I have nothing on my calendar / am WFH half the day anyway / will be working all night. West-Coast-Tech-Casual seems not to be something I’ve easily found examples of (and may not work in the SEUS anyway).

        But I feel that when a man my age or older is Experienced and August, women run an unfair risk of just seeming a bit out-to-pasture. I hate to say that while my work / reputation should speak for themselves, with a constant revolving door at clients / my own firm, I like for my clothes to work hard for me (and not cut against me).

      • Anonymous

        I feel you on the real silk blouses — I’ve had great luck with & Other Stories silk blouses. They always have new fashionable prints as well as solids, they are good quality, they may seem expensive (~$100) but then BR, Loft, AT are selling polyester for $80 not on sale. Bonus for me as a busty person — no button gap.

        I also focus on jewelry and accessories and have learned to just buy the perfect thing at full price if I come across it, because I’ll wear it a lot more than a bunch of on sale B-.

      • Anom

        I’m 42, same size since college (except for 2 pregnancies and breastfeeding aftermath). I’m also petite, so I have trouble finding clothes that fit me in stores. I think the ease of on-line shopping is both a blessing and a curse. I can find more that technically fits me and with 2 kids + full time job, have no time to spend in stores, but I miss the experience of mall shopping where I could try on lots of things from different stores/brands and get a better idea of what actually fit before buying.

    • Panda Bear

      I feel the same way! For a while I thought I could solve this by becoming one of those uniform people (e.g., literally or functionally wear the same thing every day). But then I get bored, and/or I become anxious that once my favorite pants, shoes, whatever wears out, I’ll never find an acceptable replacement – so I fitfully shop for and buy a bunch of same or similar things.

    • anne-on

      I feel you. My size/shape totally changed after having a kid, then I lost a bunch of weight due to stress/anxiety, got that treated, but then gained more weight due to a medical issue. Sigh. Slowly losing the weight I put on, but I also changed jobs and went from casual business casual (jeans and a nice blouse) to formal business casual (suits and no ties = casual! the women will still wear suits weekly and blazers are an almost daily occurrence!) and need so.many.new.work clothes. I JUST upgraded my denim thinking it would be a great investment in ‘work’ clothes and now I’m dropping $$$ at JCrew/Brooks Brohers/Ann Taylor again. Sigh.
      Being a SAHM in my lulu’s with some fun date night clothes here and there would be cheaper at this rate.

    • Anon

      I did that for a long time.

      Now I have a strict rule: I do not buy something unless I LOVE it. If I am not excited to wear it the day after it arrives, and again the next week, it never gets bought or gets returned.

      • Anonymous

        I am very vigilant on returns. Then I get a ponte dress I loved . . . but then it pilled. Then I get a great wool sheath that won’t pill and yearn for stretch. I have a Sunday school class with 2 year olds and need something stretchy and washable but nice-for-church looking – a challenge (less so in the spring; harder for winter dresses).

        One wild card is that I pinched a nerve in my foot and had to go to flats all spring/summer (which didn’t work with a lot of outfits, esp. pants that were hemmed for 2″ heels). I’ve tried to keep up the flatter shoes in winter and my feet are too cold now, so still NOT DONE. The 3″ heel boots are sitting in a closet for only occassional wear.

        Always something.

      • Fishie

        My standard is: am I wearing the sh!t out of this? Or is it X dollars worth of cute? If the answer to either of these is no, I don’t buy it.

        Also bought the Curated Closet book, which I haven’t finished yet but got me thinking more about what I like to wear and sticking with those things, instead of buying “I should have a…” items (hello, white button down shirt/sheath dress/suit) that I never wear.

  3. cat socks

    How do you know when it’s time to say goodbye to a pet?

    My older kitty was diagnosed with kidney disease last year, but with with treatment her condition has been stable. The past few months she has had issues with severe constipation. It’s been so bad that she has had to undergo two procedures where they had to remove the feces. After the last one her medications were changed and she has been doing well.

    Unfortunately, over the last couple of days it seems like she’s been constipated again. I have three other cats so I’m doing my best to figure out who exactly is using the litter box. I even take her to the box sometimes to see if she will go, but it does not look like she is pooping normally.

    She is seeing a fantastic vet and has an appointment this afternoon. The concern is that even with all the medications, her intestines may not be working.

    It sucks to think I may need to say goodbye to my sweet girl because she can’t poop. But I can’t constantly take her to the vet for enemas and surgical procedures. I’ve already spent thousands of dollars. I can afford to do more, but is it worth impacting her quality of life?

    Earlier this year another one of my cats passed away from heart failure while I was away on vacation. In that case there was no decision to be made, but that was awful in its own way.

    2018 has been shaping up to be a sh*tty year. Pun intended. I’m trying to somehow smile through my tears.

    • Anon

      So sorry. In my experience, vets can generally tell you when an animal’s quality of life is so bad that it’s time to say goodbye. I would talk to them about it.

      • cat socks

        Thank you. I am definitely going to have that conversation with her doctor. It sucks, but I need to start thinking about her quality of life. One thing I have heard others say is they wish they had said goodbye sooner instead of later when the suffering gets worse.

    • Greensleeves

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. What helped me most last time I had to make this decision was that someone advised me to make a list of the things that make life worthwhile for your pet from their point of view – that is, what are the things that make life enjoyable for your pet and what are necessary to ensure good quality of life? And then consider how many of those are still present and enjoyable. It helped me shift my focus to more specific items than a general guess at whether my dog was still feeling “good enough” to put off the decision. I certainly think regular procedures at the vet are a consideration, as I’m sure they are stressful for her and she has to go through a recovery period after each one. Hugs to you as you deal with this decision.

      • cat socks

        Thank you so much for the advice. She has lost a lot of weight recently as well and an ultrasound revealed she has some thickening of the intestines. A biopsy could reveal that was due to cancer, so that is something to consider as well. She is older and not very active, but still enjoys cuddling on my lap. Cats are good at hiding pain, so it’s not easy for me to tell how much discomfort she is having. Anyway, lots of things to think about. I knew there would be a time where we would need to say goodbye, it’s just hard to be actually facing it. Thanks for the support.

        • Ginjury

          I am so sorry you’re going through this. Going off of Greensleeves’ comments, when we put our dog down earlier this year, we were told by the vet to think of her three favorite things (playing, dinnertime, specific treats, etc). If she is no longer able to enjoy two of those three things, it’s probably time to let her go. Talking to your vet today should help you come to peace with whatever decision you choose.

          She’s lucky to have someone like you who clearly cares so much about her.

          • cat socks

            Thank you for the kind comment. I’m trying to do right by her. I’ve never had to make decision like this so I appreciate the feedback and helping me think through it.

    • Panda Bear

      So sorry to hear this. It’s so hard when beloved pets grow older/ill. Clearly you are already giving her so much love, care and thought. I agree with others that your vet’s advice will help you think this through. For right now, enjoy and pamper her and take comfort in the knowledge that you are doing all you can with her best intentions at heart. Hugs and purrs.

      • cat socks

        Thank you! I’ve been giving her lots of hugs and kisses and I will make her remaining time with us as pampered and loved as possible.

    • Anonymous

      It’s time. I’m so sorry it is so hard to say goodbye but it is time.

      • cat socks

        I know. When I pet her I can feel her ribs because she’s lost so much weight. Part of me feels at peace knowing she won’t be in pain any more and I won’t have to constantly worry about her. The other part of me is just heartbroken. The thought of losing another kitty this year just breaks me.

    • Anon

      Hugs.

      I have no specific advice – my cat passed away naturally after a week of ups and downs. He died on a Saturday morning. I woke up, knew he was dying, called my vet who said that it wasn’t worth taking him in, and got some of his own friends (my friends whom he adored) around him.

      From that, I would ask you to look at the next couple of weeks with the holidays. Do you want to spend Christmas with her (if you celebrate, culturally or religiously)? Do you have a long weekend wherein you can spend a day or two playing with her and loving on her, then put her down and have time to grieve? Is there a mobile vet who can put her down at home?

      Your vet can give you an idea of what her quality of life will be like. We can’t answer that for you. But I can tell you that if it could be now or three weeks from now, consider picking a time when you can give her some special final days and give yourself time to grieve.

      • cat socks

        Thank you for the support. I have considered Christmas coming up next week. We are hosting for the first time and I know that I cannot host/enjoy Christmas with saying goodbye to her this weekend. I think from looking at her behavior/demeanor she is not suffering greatly and I could wait to put her down. I am off work from tomorrow until the first of the year so I’ve thought about doing something after Christmas and then having the time off work already.

        Luckily, her vet is very kind and compassionate. I know I can have an honest conversation with her about the logistics and it will help to have a professional opinion. I’ve given thought to the mobile vet, but at the same time I would like her current vet to be the one to do it because she has been really involved with her care. Thanks for the feedback! It actually helps me to work through some of these things.

    • C2

      I’m so sorry, pets are family and this is an incredibly tough thing to deal with. The advice above to ask the vet to let you know when it’s time is right. Be kind to yourself, I hope you’ll find some comfort in the fact that whatever decision you make comes from a place of great love for her and her wellbeing.

    • cookie

      I’m so sorry. I know how painful this is. The point I knew with my dog was when he couldn’t go to the bathroom normally, and he couldn’t walk well enough to move. He soiled himself on a few occasions in his final days but couldn’t muster the strength to move out of it, and that was when we knew — he must’ve been so miserable but couldn’t do anything about it. That’s no way to live. We took a weekend to make him his favorite meals and shower him with love, but it was still so so hard. Hugs to you. You’re making the decision to take on more pain yourself to relieve her of her pain, which is just proof of how much you love her.

    • Fishie

      We had a similar problem and got her on a regimen of liquid goo (kitty ex lax) and pills that kept her going for several years. We found a balance that kept her poo regular, but it was an effort. It was like a baby – you cannot deviate from the schedule or things fall apart. This was after years of enemas or near death constipation. Good luck to you and hugs to your sweet kitty.

      • Anonymous

        Yes try this or maybe there’s a supplement the vet can add to her subq’s (assuming you’re doing this). Being constipated shouldn’t be a sentence.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think there are rules; I think your relationship is what matters. My cats trust me implicitly, so I know they trust me with this decision too.

      On the other hand, I’ve always given them a lot of “say” in their lives, so if circumstances make it possible, I’d like to wait until they’ve stopped eating or otherwise signaled that they’re ready? I also feel like I know these particular cats well enough to know that they’re okay with some pain and suffering as long as they’re still conscious of being loved and cared for, so I am not going to feel any guilt about preferring to choose hospice unless they’re in truly acute pain. But my perspective on quality of life is shaped by my own experience living with chronic illness, and that’s part of the life I’ve shared with my cats all these years as well.

      I would make different decisions with different cats (cats that didn’t trust me, cats that had historically responded differently to pain and illness by hiding it more, or rejecting comfort more, etc.).

    • Lilly

      Oh goodness, hugs to you. I have dogs not cats. The last time I lost one it was a judgment call due to ever worsening congestive heart failure and it is just so hard. I feel that we did it in time or perhaps a very few weeks early. However, when we did have her euthanized, I felt so sad for us that we wouldn’t have her around anymore, but a great contentment for her that she definitely would not suffer. If on the day that you did this you would be sad for you but feel content that she was out of pain and suffering, then it is time. I am actually sitting in my office with some tears for you writing this because it is just such a hard place to be in. When it is time, if you are able to schedule it for the last day of your work week or beginning of your weekend, it’s good to be able to go home and show yourself and your other kitties some love and not have to deal with work right then.

    • Anonymous

      Hugs. You are doing the best thing for your cat by starting to think about this. With our last elderly cat I worried how we would know when it was time but when it was we knew, he wasn’t himself and it was clear he had a sharp downturn of quality of life. If she’s seeming happy you don’t need to decide anything yet but speak to your vet about options and have a plan in place for when you are ready. Supplemental oils might be worth looking at and is she getting enough hydration?

    • Sutemi

      The hardest thing for me was that by the time my husband agreed it was time to put them to sleep, we wanted it done immediately. Both cats that we had to put down seemed listless but OK until they went downhill very rapidly. If you vet doesn’t have same-day or next-day appointments, and you have to wait with a kitty in a lot of pain will you regret not doing it sooner?

    • So sorry

      Friend, I’m so sorry this is happening. I don’t have any advice (dog mom here), but I sure know the love we have for them, so I just want to give you a big hug and say that I am so sorry. You sound like a fantastic cat mom and I think you are incredible for being so thoughtful about this. I’ll be thinking about you this season–take care of yourself!

      • Ellen

        I read all of these comments and I agree that it is very hard, b/c your kittie is a member o f your family, and it is VERY traumatic to deal with, especially in the holiday season. So TRIPEL HUGS to you from me and the ENTIRE hive. When Rosa had to put her doggie down, she was so upset b/c the doggie was really cute and loved everyone, but at age 14, it was time. Rosa was just coming out of college so she really had known her pooch since she was a little girl. I was older, and was in DC when all of this went down, so I was not as close it happening. Grandma Leyeh and Grandma Trudy also were there, thank god for Rosa, and Dad and Mom too, so she had family support. Even Ed was supportive even tho the pooch did not particularly like Ed, he put up with Ed b/c Rosa loved Ed and was MARRIED to him in the end. So hang in there and try to be strong. Your kittie will look down on you from Heaven and thank you for all of the good times you had together, just as Rosa’s pooch did for her. You will have a great 2019, so do NOT let this set you back. You have the whole HIVE rooting for you as you get through this. YAY for the HIVE!

  4. AIMS

    For year end tips where you tip the cost of one service (e.g., cleaning) – do you tip on top of your regular tip or just total? For example, let’s say your cleaning is $125 and you normally give $150 with tip; do you give $250 or $275 for the holidays? I just did $250 but now thinking maybe I did it “wrong” – possibly overthinking this, but curious what others here do.

    • Anon

      If you tip every week, I don’t think you have to do a holiday tip. I think of a holiday tip as something for people (teachers, etc) who aren’t tipped regularly during the year.

      • Wanderlust

        Is it generally expected to tip cleaning people each time they come? Ours is $100 per session, and they come every two weeks… and we pay them $100. We’re giving them $200 for Xmas. Are we doing it wrong? They are lovely and do a fantastic job, so I don’t want to be doing it “wrong.”

        • Anon

          I don’t think so (but I’m in the rural-ish Midwest where people generally tip less, 20% is considered very generous at a restaurant or salon). We don’t tip our cleaning service regularly, just give them a holiday tip.

        • AIMS

          I have no idea what the norm is but we use a service (mainly b/c of tax reasons) and I always understood it as you tip if it’s a service and you just give the amount of the cleaning if it’s an individual. I think our service said at some point that tipping 15-20% is typical.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t, I just tip at the end of the year. My cleaning service bills my cc directly so I don’t have to leave a payment for them. I think it would be odd to leave out cash when there’s no bill or anything?

        • Anonymous

          Maybe this is a bad reason to not tip, but I’m sorry I don’t need one more thing to remember to do. I already have to remember to tidy up before the cleaning people come. Now I have to remember to go to the ATM and leave out cash for them too? No. Sorry. I have a cleaning service to minimize my to do list, not to add things to it. I will go to the ATM for you one time a year, not 26.

      • Batgirl

        Piggybacking off of this, we hired a woman to clean our house every three weeks at $100/cleaning. She brings two other women with her every week. We generally pay the $100 because that’s what we had agreed to and it wasn’t a service per se. But now I’m wondering, should we have been tipping each of them on top of this? I was planning to give an extra $100 (divided between them) this week. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I have cleaners every 4 weeks through a service. I then leave them an “extra” fee in December as a tip to the crew directly (same crew every time for — eek — 8 years).

    • Anon

      When I have these questions, I always just ask myself if I’ll miss the $25 and if not, I just give the extra. (The answer is usually I’ll miss out on nothing.)

    • anon

      we have weekly cleaners and just tip at year end. however, we use a co-op (so profits go to the cleaners) and the service isn’t a bargain. I might tip more often if the cleaners didn’t own the company and I suspected (through bargain pricing) that the pay was awful for the work.

    • Anonymous

      For people I tip regularly, I give double tip at the holidays. Like my hair stylist. I know folks here have said to tip the cost of one service but imho that’s ridiculous. A haircut is $60, my color (balyage) brings it to $200 total. I tip $30-40 per session throughout the year and $60 at my last appointment of the year.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you! I’m so glad to hear someone else say this. I see my hairstylist about 5 times a year. I usually tip about 20% (so $40 on a $200 service). If I were to tip the full cost of a service at the end of the year It’s as if I’m tipping 40% each time I get my hair cut. Not to mention that I don’t spend even close to $200 on most of the gifts I give to my family. I really don’t like to be cheap – I waited tables for years and get that working in any kind of service profession is hard, but some of these tipping standards seem to have gotten out of control.

  5. Everlong

    I need a new hair dryer. What do I want? My only real requirement is efficient. My hair is shoulder-length, I blow it out every day with a round brush, then run a flat iron through it. Thank you!

    • AIMS

      Check wirecutter. This is how I buy almost everything these days and it usually works out and saves me so much time and mental energy. In fact, I think we bought their “best inexpensive” hairdryer and it’s been great, whatever it is.

    • lydia

      rusk speed freak. makes hair drying much much faster. got it for around $50 on amazon. way better than the drugstore conair/revlon/etc I was using before.

      • anon

        +1 I just bought this one! My hair is fine, but I have a lot, just past my shoulders. Took me 5 minutes last night. And it’s on sale right now on amazon.

        • Anonymous

          I’ve had a Rusk Speed Freak for 6+ years – it’s amazing! Perfect for my fine and thin hair (I notice a trend!). Before the Rusk, I’d go through a hairdryer every year and a half or so. Highly recommend. If you’re curious about the weight, air flow, etc., try out the hairdryer @ Ulta before purchasing online :)

        • Rainbow Hair

          I put it into camelcamelcamel and saw that the price has indeed gone down to the $50 range. And then I set up an alert for myself in case it does again :)

    • Curly

      I love my Xtava, and they’re not expensive. My hairdresser recommended it, and it’s been one of my favorite hair purchases.

    • 312

      If you’re a Costco member, they have the T3 for about $75 I believe. Great deal and they are great hair dryers.

    • LAJen

      I just got the Revlon one-step hair dryer (it’s a combo round brush and hair dryer), and it is AWESOME. I have very thick, very long hair, and I have been using a Rusk speed freak forever. I love the Rusk, and will still use it, but the Revlon one-step is something I can use when I’ve washed my hair, let is dry for a bit while doing something else, and want to go directly to sleek without needing to flat iron or curl. I was really skeptical, as I’ve had a combo brush/dryer appliance before and it didn’t do what it claimed, but this one does. It’s amazing, and I am shocked. I bought it on Target’s web site.

  6. Roly Poly Little Bat-Faced Girl

    A genuine question…what is your criteria for getting rid of under wear? I throw out any with holes or loose elastic, but I’m wondering if I’m still holding on to them too long.

    • Anon

      Probably sooner than that – I like mine pretty newish. I also buy in many many multiples so wear and tear isn’t bad and I only have to shop for it every couple of years.

    • Cat

      When they literally do not stay up any longer. If there are a few tiny holes, I demote them to period use since the sticky part of pads (even light liner pads) is rough on nice underwear… no need to subject Natori to that :)

    • Anon

      To jump off this, how about the criteria for getting rid of bras? I think I always get to a point where I know mine are wearing out and finally give in to get new ones, and it makes such a difference. Every time, I say I should buy new bras sooner, but just can never seem to tell when it is necessary

      • Anonymous

        Start staggering your purchases. The contrast will help you delegate the old ones to “weekend” or “sleep” or “just get rid of it already.”

      • anon

        When the wires fall out or get so bent that they stab me. Or the elastic loses all stretch, for my comfy weekend wear “sports” bras, which takes between 10 and 20 years for good quality ones.
        This may evolve now that I’m trying to wear better-fitting support garment to make shopping for workwear more doable.

    • Anon

      I get new undies and get rid of an equivalent number of old undies every new year I buy 6 or 12 pairs depending on the deal at Soma. My birthday is also around the new year so it’s kind of a self care, self treat thing. Life is great when you have new undies

      I recommend the lace trimmed cotton/modal embraceable style in the modern brief cut. They’re basically pretty granny panties

  7. New assistant - gift?

    I lateraled to my new firm just before Thanksgiving. I share my assistant with another senior associate. Last year I gave my assistant about $100 for holiday (full year), plus $25-50 cash and a small gift for birthday and admin prof’s day. I live in a LCOL area and this is not biglaw. What do I give my new assistant?

    • Anon

      I think those amounts transfer. Since it’s only been a month, you could do $50 this year with a nice note of appreciation and perhaps something edible you know he/she likes, and increase to $100 next year. Your assistant may not be expecting it, and gaining a little goodwill never hurt.

      • OP

        I am totally fine with that. The only thing that worried me is I don’t want her to expect $500 or $1200 next year ($100 after a month, what about an entire year). Thanks!

        • Owl Lover

          Oh no, I would never expect that as an assistant. I assume that you replaced someone else she used to work for, and that person isn’t giving her a gift because they are gone, so this is her gift for working for an entire year as an assistant.

          • ANom

            +1 Presumably you had an assistant at your last firm to whom you are not giving a gift. Give your current assistant the gift amount you would normally give.

  8. Aaptiv Guest Pass? This is Pompom

    Thanks to you ladies who got me thinking about the different fitness apps in yesterday morning’s post; much appreciated. I think I want to test out Aaptiv once I’m back from my xmas travel.

    There was a helpful Anon at 10:10/10:19 who offered a guest pass. If you still want to share, you can email me at
    Pompomre t t e at the mail of google (no spaces obviously). Thank you in advance!

    Pom

      • Pompom

        Thanks! Much appreciated.

        You emailed me, and someone from Aaptiv emailed me too…which was…creepy. But thank YOU!

  9. Dc party venue

    Calling DC ladies for some advice. We are unexpectedly moving out of the area and I would like to throw a casual going away party sometime in February. I’m thinking a brunch or potentially an early dinner around 5 PM. Probably around 50 people including lots of kids. Nothing downtown as parking will be too much of a hassle for the group. I would prefer a venue in upper Northwest or Bethesda if possible, since most people will be coming from that area. Any recommendations? I’m thinking a restaurant that might rent out a floor or else even better would be some sort of venue that also has an outdoor space for kids to run around and blow off steam in the event the weather is decent. Also, if anyone has recommendations on how to keep the kids entertained that would be helpful as well. Thanks for any leads!

    • Pompom

      Tenley GastroPub (…are they still open? I moved out of DC 2 years ago!) rents their upstairs and has some fun arcade games and a small roofdeck area. Used to use that for events occasionally!

      Maggiano’s does events in all sorts of room sizes, too, but, YMMV after the event they hosted around the 2016 election… I wouldn’t maybe go there?

      • Pompom

        They are “Tenley Bar and Grill” now, just off the Tenleytown metro, and there is some ok street parking all around there (it backs up to Wilson).

  10. In-House in Houston

    Does anyone here do Orange Theory? I’m thinking of signing up for the new year. I’ve heard great things about it. I need something to motivate me. We have a very nice gym here at work, it’s free, but I have zero motivation to go. I think if I’m paying $ every month, that’ll motivate me to get my $’s worth. Also, I’ve heard that if you don’t cancel a class w/in an 8 hour window…they charge you $12. That’ll motivate me too. TIA!!

    • anon

      I’m in Houston too. I was in your place last year and got soooo into rev at Define. I would give it a try if I were you. I don’t actually love Orange Theory, but I know plenty of others who do. I would pay for a single class at both places and see which you like better. Of course, there are plenty of other spin studios too, but I would do one of the non-Soul Cycle ones because you can pay monthly rather than per class. The per class thing doesn’t motivate me. I don’t need another reason NOT to go to class.

    • Anonymous

      I do and I love it. I’ve never been into working out or going to the gym, but I have consistently gone to Orange Theory 3-4 times/week for almost two years now. It’s to the point where if I don’t go, I start to get cranky. I literally crave it. The last cancellation fee definitely helps keep me consistent, as does the fact that I signed up for an unlimited membership, so I feel like the more I go the better deal I’m getting. I love that the classes are coached and different every single time. Happy to answer any questions you have!

    • mascot

      I’ve been doing OTF for a couple of months now and really like it. It’s hard, but scalable and the coaches can help with modifications. My biggest concern was the treadmill, but even that hasn’t been bad and I’ve seen improvement in speed and endurance. Plus, their treadmills are really cushioned which makes it hurt a little less.
      The cancellation fee does work to keep you accountable. My studio is pretty good about letting your reschedule for later that day and not charging you as long as you show up to the later class.

    • anne-one

      I really like Orange Theory. For me, personally, I appreciate the heart rate monitor aspect so I can see how hard I’m working and when to take it up a notch on my cardio. I also really like that they have full 55 minute classes (not the 50 minute hour classes at most studios) and if you take the last class before a break they’ll happily extend the stretching time and let you stay. I also HATE lifting weights, and simply won’t do it on my own. Orange Theory incorporates weights in a way I like (not the whole class, simple exercises, lots of core and bodyweight mixed in) and I have gotten noticeably stronger since going. Finally – I have a kid and a busy job, I love that it is a consistently HARD workout that allows me to burn a lot of calories, if I make time to go to the gym I want to work out hard and then be done, not bop around doing 10 minutes of walking/a little stretching/running/etc.
      If the people aspect is important to you you will often find the same folks doing classes around the same time and get to know the trainers/people in class which can be nice and offer some extra accountability.

    • Horse Crazy

      I love it! The cancellation fee is definitely a motivator. The best thing about it for me is that it’s a guided class – when I just go to any old gym by myself, I don’t end up doing much – I need guidance. Orangetheory is about twice the cost of my old gym, but I get waaaaay more than twice the workout. Highly recommend it.

    • Anonymous

      I do it twice a week and love it. It’s a good, hard workout (but can be modified, as noted). I like that it incorporates cardio and strength training (with some stretching) so I don’t have to supplement my workouts like I used to. In the old days, I’d go to pilates but then need to do something else that was cardio, etc. I just show up twice a week, get my workout in and I don’t have to think about it any further. I actually feel like it is saving me mental space.

    • Worry about yourself

      My sister loves Orange Theory! I’m more of a ClassPass girl myself, which even more strict, you have to cancel 12 hours in advance or you pay a $15 dollar fee. One morning I seriously didn’t wanna go to the class I’d signed up for, but I remembered the fee and dragged my butt over there!

  11. Vacation with Elderly Mom

    I’m looking to go on vacation with my mom (~90) and my sisters. We want this to be a girls trip where we can all spend time together. My mom is up for it, but doesn’t have any suggestions and hasn’t voiced a preference for where we go. She tires pretty easily when walking, but isn’t opposed to a rental wheelchair if necessary. Any suggestions for where we can go that will be a fun, low key experience for mom but still offers the opportunity for mini adventures for me and my sisters if mom decides to take an afternoon for herself? Assume no limit on cost or any travel restrictions.

    • Anonymous

      San Diego (but stay in the Hotel Del Coronado). Lots of side trips (USS Midway, Zoo), but lovely just to watch the sea and the ships. Airport is beautiful and not too big.

      • Owl Lover

        Just what I was thinking!

        Alternatively, an all inclusive, or resort style hotel would be great. Does she like country music? The grand ol’opry has a super fancy resort hotel, and there are plenty of fun things to do in Nashville.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed, I would do one of those Viking River Cruises I always see on PBS. Or maybe Alaska; I have a friend with limited mobility who did an Alaska cruise and then train ride with her family and she had a great time. I also have friends who did a Nile cruise for their honeymoon but that was… over 10 years ago?… I’m not sure how safe that area is now.

        I would caution you to pick a cruise that has you mostly stay on the boat. I did a cruise in the Mediterranean with my mom years ago. It was a great way for her to see a little bit of a lot of places while she was still pretty mobile. But the shore excursions make for very long days – you’re up at the crack of dawn and on the move most of the day. Mom was still relatively young at the time (late-60s) and not ready to accept that her mobility was declining – but she was definitely hurting at the end of each day.

        • Senior Attorney

          A river cruise is not “mostly stay on the boat.” The boats are small and generally you are off the boat for an excursion every day. I mean, you can certainly stay on the boat but it’s going to be parked (and maybe double-or triple parked) in a not-super-scenic spot and there won’t be anything to do. The ocean cruises with the big boats with lots of activities are much much better if you want to stay on the boat.

          And yes, I think a cruise on a big boat with plenty of activities would be great for OP and family. Just think of it as a floating all-inclusive and don’t expect Mom to do the excursions.

        • Anon

          I would caution that river cruises depend on the water level. Too high and you can’t cross bridges, too low and you can’t dock or go at all. You’ll have to research a lot more on the timing of the year and even then it can be hit or miss. I’ve heard some say they had to take a bus to the next stop, or have part of the cruise cancelled. The age range may also skew more to your mom than you and your sisters, fwiw.
          I would do an ocean cruise or an all inclusive resort where your mom can chill and you/sisters can take excursions. Or park yourself in a city like Paris. Plenty of things to do for the active, and plenty of people watching for the idle.

    • anon.

      I’d look for a resort hotel in the states for this type of trip. Somewhere like Scottsdale or Austin – lots of pool and hotel time for everyone, lots of places to go for when your mom wants to stay in.

    • Flats Only

      Take a cruise. Wheelchair / old person accessible for Mom with plenty (or nothing) for her to do without expending much energy. Shore excursion adventures for you and your sisters. Take a “smaller” ship, vs. the huge newer ones with all the bells and whistles. It will be more low key, and also much less expensive, unless you think Mom will be sad to miss out on ship-board bumper cars and zip lining.

  12. Anonnn

    Considering a job opportunity that would require relocation from a big SE city to Chicago or DC. Which would you pick? For context, I’m early 30s, moving with fiance, no kids right now but they are in the three-year plan, and our immediate family is already scattered around the country.

    • Hazel

      Chicago all the way, as long as you’re willing to tolerate colder winters instead of hot, sticky summers. Food and arts culture are great in Chicago, it’s a transportation hub, less transient population than DC. Local politics in Chicago are terrible, but at least you’ve got congressional representation. ;)

    • BabyAssociate

      How do you feel about the cold? How important is the cost of living? I’m in DC, but have family in Chicago and used to live in the SEUS. I love DC, but hate the weather. The summers are very swampy and I prefer colder winters. However, Chicago gets very cold in the winter, definitely something to keep in mind if you’re coming from the SEUS. Housing in DC is expensive, also something I’d keep in mind if I were planning on having kids. To the extent you want to be able to visit immediate family easily, both cities have a great airport access.

    • Anon

      I think the cities are pretty comparable on many social factors. So, I would pick DC because I can’t stand how cold and windy Chicago is in the winter (and I grew up in another Midwest location, so I’m no stranger to cold)

    • Anon

      The one in which your fiance has an easier time finding a job or has more opportunities for growth.

      • anon a mouse

        This, but also what your long-term opportunities for growth are too. DC has a booming job market and is reasonably recession-proof.

        Also consider that COL is higher in DC, if that makes a difference, especially relating to child care costs on the horizon.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to this

        If you go the DC route, would vote for exploring the VA suburbs vs DC proper, esp. with kids possibly in the picture.

        What you get for the housing $ may shock you in a bad way (I moved from VA to CLT and my house payment didn’t change, but my square footage was larger and not nicer). And the traffic is no joke.

    • S

      Chicago hands down. If you can handle the cold it is a such a great, affordable city. It offers so much: good restaurants, museums, fun neighborhoods etc. and asks so little back in terms of housing costs. By contrast, DC is much smaller (and though has some great things to offer) asks so much in terms of COL. We moved from the NYC area to DC, and while we like DC our COL has actually gone up compared to the NYC area.

    • anonymous

      I’ve lived in NYC, Chicago, and DC and it drives me nuts when people talk about how “cold” it is in Chicago — the winters are the same! NYC gets Chicago weather about 2-3 days later. DC gets the same-ish weather but sometimes off by a couple of degrees. Anyway, these will all feel the same cold to you coming from a warmer climate so whichever you choose, you will want to get appropriate clothes.

      If it were me, hands-down it would be Chicago. It has everything a young couple and young family would be excited about – perks of a big city but with friendly and small neighborhoods, food and bar scene, sports, theater, immense hometown pride, different cultures, and different industries. I did not enjoy how “industry” DC is, as someone who was not in politics. I think the only thing the east coast cities have over Chicago is better road-tripping options/cities in driving distance for a weekend getaway. That being said, I do agree with the person above who factored in your fiance’s career prospects, too.

      • anon a mouse

        Weather in DC and Chicago is not the same. Similar, but not the same. Chicago winters start earlier and last longer. Do you want kids to be wearing coats on Halloween? It’s chilly there. In DC it’s usually (historically, average, of course there are outliers) pretty mild until mid- or even late December. Chicago is just colder, longer. And I say this as someone who loves cold weather and would move there in a heartbeat if my husband could handle the winters. If you are not up for long, sustained cold or suffer from SAD, it’s worth taking into consideration.

      • Anonymous

        How are the public schools in Chicago? Everyone I know from there went to Catholic schools (we aren’t Catholic and I’m not sure if it’s like the NE where in inner city areas, they are the cheapest private school option and it’s OK not to be Catholic, or it’s like 99% are and you’d be the oddball if you aren’t). Is public school even an option? I noted that the Obamas didn’t send their kids to a public school when they lived there (and while they weren’t wealthy then, they had options).

      • Anonymous

        No way. Chicago winters are worse than NYC winters and far worse than DC winters. I enjoy cold weather and have lived in various parts of New England before, and I would think long and hard before visiting Chicago in January a second time.

        • Anonnn

          Good news is my interview will be in January in person in Chicago, so hopefully I’ll get a preview of how bad it could be!

          • Anonymous

            I’m sure it’s better if you live there and are eased into it, but definitely dress warmly!

      • Anon

        It is just not true that the temperate in Chicago and DC are comparable. The average high in DC in January is 44, in February is 47, and in March is 55. The average high in Chicago in January is 36, in February is 25, and in March is 47. 10 degrees is a big difference, and that doesn’t even consider the huge wind in Chicago

        • Anonymous

          Aside from the averages, the lows aren’t comparable either. Without looking up temperatures, I know there are a lot of plants that can handle DC because they aren’t being exposed to extreme lows, repeated lows, or extended lows. Not so for Chicago.

      • Anon

        Yeah, it’s not the same. That is a crazy perspective. I’m a Californian and I can handle a trip to NY in the winter, but I though I was going to literally die in Chicago.

      • DCR

        I always hear people complain about how DC is a one-industry town on here, but I’ve lived in DC for 8 years and have only meet one person who works in politics. It would be like complaining that the only people in NYC work in finance. It’s very easy to meet people who do a huge cross-section of jobs so long as you don’t work in politics and actively work to keep in that bubble.

        • anon a mouse

          And the industry of government is in itself diverse! I was at a recent party where the small group I was chatting with were all federal workers — but one was in aviation, two finance, one farm policy, one housing, and two medical. None worked on the Hill or directly in politics.

    • CHS

      Chicago is awesome. I’ve lived in a couple of East Coast cities over the span of 10+ years, all of which I really enjoyed, and I wasn’t prepared to like Chicago as much when we moved here a few years ago, but between the cost of living, the lakefront and ample parks, the size and diversity of the city, and a bunch of other stuff (public art, block parties, restaurant scene etc), I’m now firmly on team Chicago. Look at Redfin or Zillow to get a sense of how far your dollar will go compared to DC. Winters are cold and long, but if you dress appropriately, embrace the cozy, and maximize enjoying the gorgeous summer & falls, then it’s really not that bad.

    • IHHtown

      One consideration that no one has mentioned but is there a cultural community that you are a part of that you would like to have a presence in the city? DC for example has large cultural communities that don’t have large numbers out of the area (ex. East African). And Chicago can largely be segregated so take that into consideration if you foresee staying there a long time and diversity is important to you / what you want your child exposed to. It is still shocking to me whenever I go to Chicago from Houston and notice the stark difference between the professionals here and there (i.e. more women, foreigners, and POC in Houston whereas in Chicago they are mostly service workers – felt like 1955)

    • Former DC

      With the caveat that I’ve only visited Chicago but used to live in DC: I’d say Chicago. I lived in DC for a few years and never loved it but was so, so ready to leave when I did move. I’m in Philly now and I’m SO much happier.

      I’m not sure where exactly you’re coming from and what your expectations are of a city, but DC felt very sterile and cold to me. My brief time in Chicago didn’t give that vibe.

      In all honesty you can’t go wrong- they’re both great cities with lots to do, lots of different types of people, and great “amenities”. Both have suburbs with great schools (I went to college with a ton of New Trier people and some Stevenson people, those schools were known by name on the east coast).

  13. Do I need new friends?

    So, I have a follow-up to my post yesterday about being frustrated with flaky friends. I went to Event with my friend D, who did not flake, and her neighbor, W. Neighbor and I got to know each other better, and the evening ended up being a lot of fun. For me, I think the answer is going to be to change my expectations for certain friends and realize that either we need to do stuff one-on-one, or just … not rely on them as regular social companions. It’s not like the result will be any different than what’s happening currently, but maybe I’ll feel less frustrated by the whole thing. I admittedly have zero tolerance for the FOMO attitude and the current trend of never committing to anything until the last minute. I find it incredibly selfish and rude, and I don’t think that’s going to change (on my end, or theirs).

    I’m still kind of struggling with feeling like I have to be the organizer and planner in this particular group, otherwise, nothing happens. I realize it’s partly a facet of personality (guessing many ‘rettes can relate), but I do get tired of it. I’m debating whether that’s worth bringing up or not.

    Do those tight groups of friends exist in real life? I feel like I’ve gotten so many messages about how important it is to have your “tribe” to “do life with,” and that’s just … not my experience?

    • Abby

      I’ve felt very similarly to you, 20s and none of our friends have kids. My husband and I are always planning things with/for our friends, and it never feels like it’s reciprocated. The last year I got to the point where I purposely didn’t text any friends about plans for a while, and then nothing happened for months. We have a large variety of friends so we still have events, but I agree that it’s hurtful, why don’t our “closest” friends want to hang out with us as much as we’d like to? It doesn’t feel good to be the one prioritizing others more than they prioritize you.

      I’ve never brought it up, mainly because I don’t like confrontation and I don’t know if it would change anything. I have gotten more accustomed to spending time with new friends or coworkers and more time alone with my husband. Is this just part of growing up?

    • Anonymous

      Not for me! I have lots of great friends and I primarily see them one on one. Occasionally we’ll manage a big thing but they are my closest friends not each other’s bffs!

    • Tabitha

      I think the tribe concept is more television than real life. Personally, I’m in a few groups – high school, college, law school, various jobs, etc. But I’m not close with everyone who’s considered a member. I go to stuff that’s planned sometimes (the further from the “thing” that brought us together the more likely I am to go as they’re more reunions at this point) but I was never into hanging out as a group. I’ve got a varied and diverse set of friends, many of whom don’t belong to any of these and whose company I prefer. I have taken the track of 1:1s, and throwing parties where I invite all my people and see who shows. I also have a book club with crossover from all the groups. I organize a lot, but I enjoy that and I’m not trying to corral a specific set of people. I think trying to be friends only with one group of people is a bit limiting – I’d consider keeping your pals but being open to new friendships that don’t come in group or couple packages.

      • Anonymous

        I think “tribes” are real in small towns (there’s less FOMO since there’s just not as much going on, everyone lives closer to one another and has similar obligations, you’re sort of stuck with the people who exist there, etc.). As society becomes increasingly more urban, I sometimes wonder if we haven’t all adequately adapted.

      • Anon

        Early 30s – I would actually say I have three tribes. I’d consider them tribes because there is a core group and and the group would drop everything if a member was in a time of great need. I have a core group of me + 3 girlfriends who travel together and get together weekly. I have another core group of me + 3 who all went to the same college. I have a small tribe (8-10 members) from when I worked in politics, though we mostly had varying employers, we all came up at the same time. I think that yes, the TV idea of a tribe that lives next to each other and is together 24-7 is nowhere near the norm, but I think tribes can stay together and function if they can figure out their style. For me, Tribe 1 has SOs and spouses in the mix, the group texts constantly, travels together, goes to concerts, restaurants, events, and we’re really a part of each other’s extended lives, including getting together with their families (parents, siblings) on occasion. Tribe 2 has SOs, spouses and kids, uses FB messenger as a platform for communication, gets together probably monthly but at each other’s homes more often than out somewhere, has travelled together in the past. Tribe 3 sees each other quarterly, plans gatherings via email, the individual members get together or see each other at events more often than the group.

    • Anna

      +1. I struggle with this a lot. We have friends, but we see them occasionally and it always feels kind a lot of effort to get people together. I also feel like I’m missing my “tribe”, but try to focus on enjoying the time we do spend together and acknowledging that everyone’s life is busy. It’s hard though.

    • Baker

      The tight groups do exist in real life, but it takes A LOT of work to maintain this. I am divorced and have made friend relationships a huge priority because I don’t have a person to rely on at home and need that emotional and logistical support that my friends give. My closest friends and I spend a lot of time together, both spontaneous and planned (and through text, in person, on the phone). It’s just like a romantic relationship where both people have to be into it and willing to make it a priority, and my closest friend relationships have developed over years. When someone clearly isn’t as into the friendship as I am, then I still hang out but don’t expect that person to be at every event–it’s just a happy surprise when they show up. My closest friends don’t all hang out together every time, so I wouldn’t say the whole group is all super tight, like Sex and the City or something. When some can’t make it, others hang out independently and no one is hurt.

      My closest friends do things like write thoughtful cards, give gifts, make “dates”, and talk about really personal topics, just like I would with a romantic relationship. People come and go in the group, but I’m super tight with probably 3-4 of them because of this (as in, could call if my car was broken down and expect that they’d be there immediately, have had them accompany me to doctors’ appointments and come back in the exam room, or could move in with them temporarily if needed, etc.). I literally have their big events (birthdays, big court dates, professional exams, promotion reviews, etc.) on my calendar so I can remember to say good luck or ask about how it went, and they all do the same.

      I’m so glad you went and had fun with the neighbor and really love it when people surprise me in that way! And you’re right that the key to the group will be reframing your expectations. That’s what I meant yesterday when I said that I only invite certain friends to certain types of events because I just can’t count on them being there and it hurts when they’re not. I feel like everyone has different tiers of friends, just like you have tiers of close family members or work colleagues, and I try to check in and make sure I don’t have unreasonable expectations for certain tiers. The thing that hurts me the most is when I think someone is in a certain tier and they don’t feel the same way.

      • Anon

        This raises an interesting question in my mind if forming those close friendships as an adult are easier if you are single. I have two friends like that, and the three of us are all super close friends. We make dates but also do spontaneous stuff together, and I know that either of them would be there in a second if I needed something. But we are meet when we were single, and are still single. I’m in my mid 30s, and although I still hope to some day get married, I can’t image a life where I don’t still make plans with and share things with these friends. But if I had gotten married in my 20s, I think I would be less concurred about having super close friends since I would have a husband to fill many of those needs. With a husband to share concerns, fears, and emergencies with, maybe I would have been satisfied with my other nice, but not best/super close, friends who I mainly do activities with.

        • Anon

          I think this is definitely true. All except one of my female friendships that I have maintained are people that I met before I was married. I think part of it is that you really have to invest a lot of time in a relationship with a person in order to want to get married, and that time has to come from somewhere. I also TBH found it awkward to try to make new friends when I was engaged since all I was doing or had to talk about was my wedding… which they wouldn’t be invited to. I have started to try to branch out and meet more people, but it is still hard. I think that once you’re married, it is easier to make couple friends and then hang out with the spouses separately than it is to make friend with just a single person.

          I also think that unfortunately when you are single v. married you are in somewhat different life places sometimes. Like, one of my best friends who is single is not the best sounding board for my current decision of when to have kids, etc. Conversely, I am not as sympathetic to some of her dating struggles as I probably would be if I were single.

        • Baker

          Having been on both sides, it is definitely easier to make/maintain these friendships when you’re single. I got married in my early 20s and divorced in mid-30s. I did develop and maintain close friendships during my marriage, but it was because I made a conscious effort and had at least one night a week that was devoted to friend time. It did cause some friction in my marriage at times, to be honest, but I just think it’s so important to have friends and nurture those relationships. (This is not at all why we got divorced, and was just a symptom of mismatched values.) A mentor told me early in my career that her biggest regret was letting her career eat away at her friendships, so after that I was very aggressive about making sure that I kept in touch with at least a few people I was closest with.

          Now that I’m single, it’s much much easier to have spontaneous get togethers. And you’re right that my husband provided much more emotional support than my friends when I was married. That aspect of the friendships has changed profoundly since my divorce, but now I can’t imagine going without it.

    • Anon

      I think the one tribe concept is more of a myth/TV thing, at least for many of us who have moved around as adults. I have lived in the same city since finishing law school, but it is not near where I went to law school or college and I don’t think I have a tribe of friends . The only people who have one tribe are those who pretty much only hang out with their college friends.

      I will say that I have a few groups of friends – my closest friends (but 2 of the 4 have moved away, so it is now largely a texting tribe) who I talk with or see almost every week, a group of friends I meet at a social event and hang out with at least once a month, my hiking friends I see about once a month for a hiking, my activity x friends who I see about every other week, a group from my last job who I see about 4-5 times a year. Most of these are groups I’ve developed over the past year since I left BigLaw. Some of these groups have some flakes, but I know that at least some people will always show. And I can have just as much fun hiking or doing whatever with 3 people as I can with 8. But many of my friends have never meet each other, and I can’t talk to all of them about anything, but that is not what I’m looking for/expecting.

    • cookie

      I think tribes flourish more when there’s a situation that forces a group together — college, grad school, starting a job in the same cohort, etc. I had cohesive groups in those situations that pretty much dropped off after graduation.

      I’m a planner, too, and it breaks my heart that most of my so called friends never ever reach out to me and want to make plans, even if they’re simple plans like ordering pizza and watching movies on the couch in leggings. It even makes me sad watching home shows where the couple says they need a huge open floor plan for entertaining. I don’t know anyone who entertains anymore! The way I’ve dealt with it is prioritizing the friends who do reach out and do make plans with me, and those are also the friends who never flake unless something is really wrong. That means I have way fewer friends, but it keeps me from stressing and feeling badly about it.

    • Anonymous

      Idk if there’s a difference between a tribe and a friendgroup? Friendgroups are very real. And ime they’re usually toxic, though of course ymmv. Ime, men get to preserve their perpetual adolescence and are insulated from bad behavior. I’ve seen victims (almost always women) get forced out of such groups while the abuser suffers no bad effects. No one will tell the victim they believe her story because that would be “taking sides”. Everyone invites both victim and abuser to the same parties and the victim is accused of “causing drama” – a cardinal sin in friendgroups – if she doesn’t want to be around her abuser. The groups are usually pretty incestuous – you’re expected to be cool hanging out with your very recent ex and his new gf – and if you’re not then you’re “causing drama”. Curiously the men never seem to get accused of causing drama by, y’know, showing up where they know they’re not wanting, or bringing a new girl around shortly after a breakup. When folks start getting older and having children, the women all stay at home with them, or do home-based things like craft night so they can watch the children, while the men go out drinking. The men never seem to get together to do home-based things so the women can go party.

      • Anon

        Man you have bad experience with friendships. If you are real…and don’t want to or can’t be friends with other women (or a group of women meaning more than two) go ahead but don’t generalize across all women, it’s just not true. I have a few friend tribes that don’t have any drama and those tribes have socialized many times also with no drama. If you seem to only have friend groups with abusers and bullies, guess who is the common denominator.

        What you are describing sounds like an episode of real housewives, which makes me think: RESIDENT INCEL TROLL POSTER. Thanks for trying.

      • Rainbow Hair

        Wow this seems like it does not have to be one’s experience with friends?

        This sounds very much like my college-age social dynamics, which, praise the lord, are many years behind me. Though, actually, now that I think about it, my one law school friend group did dissolve (jk i just got booted) when I wouldn’t socialize with the guy who r@ped me. But still, those were school friendships, and y’know what? If you would rather have the r@pist at your wedding than me, that’s fine and your choice and it shows where I rank in your esteem. Fair enough!

        My grownup, real-life friendships are not that way, because my friends share my values I guess.

      • Eve Kendall

        Sadly, this is often the case, especially for college-age friendgroups. Just google “geek social fallacies” and you’ll get an idea of the toxicity levels of such groups.

        I had to sever connections with all of my college friends because I was abused by someone in the friendgroup. Even people who were only peripherally connected to him could not understand why I didn’t want to be bestest friends who emotionally and physically abused me, and claimed I didn’t have the “right” to break up with him because he’d done nothing wrong.

        Fortunately, I’ve become a lot more careful with friendships and I have some lovely friends. The key is focusing on individual friendships. Someone is my friend because we enjoy each other’s company, not because we somehow ended up part of the same group. Groups have dynamics, but friendships exist between individuals.

    • cbackson

      I’ve always been more of a one-on-one friendship person than a “tribe” person. I’ve got a small number of incredibly close friends, but they aren’t friends with each other and we only socialize collectively if I am the connector (i.e., it’s my birthday or something like that). I do belong to a few groups that do stuff collectively (church, bike racing team) but those aren’t my closest friends.

      Building a community you can rely on is important (both for life emergencies and for your own mental health), but that community doesn’t have to be a band of similarly aged ultraclose friends who hang out all the time as couples, travel together, and text constantly. Some people socialize that way, but others don’t.

    • MNF

      I’m in a totally different situation because my “tribe” group of friends has known each other since childhood and basically just forced our husbands to be friends too, so I can’t speak to forming those friendships later in life.

      However, one thing that may be transferable is the way we have dealt with group gatherings. I tend to be the “organizer” of new things, but it really helps that everyone in the group owns an annual event to plan and with 6 of us it works out to roughly every other month where we’ll definitely see the group. For example, one does a super bowl party, there’s a thanksgiving-week trivia night, annual Mem Day pool party, 4th July day at the lake, and I plan New Year’s eve, etc. It’s nice that everyone gets to plan something they’re comfortable with/in their own vibe and makes scheduling easier because we know these things are in the calendar from now until we die.

      • Eve Kendall

        This sounds like an awesome way to fairly distribute the labor of planning group events!

    • Anon

      My husband has a close group of friends. They all met in college as freshmen and now in late 30s or pushing 40. They are five people, three have kids, we don’t have kid yet, one is unmarried. They are spread across three countries. They all co-ordinate to meet in their home country once a year, just by themselves and go on a short vacation (3 – 4 days). They have long email chains going on all the time, for every occasion (somebody’s birthday, somebody bought a house, somebody has a new baby, someone has a problem like parent’s are sick or whatever) and something just like that. I don’t have such a thing going on in my life. I have friends with whom I meet 1:1. I am kind of jealous of him, but at the same time, I am so happy for him that he has such a group of friends and he has such a good time with them. I am married to him for seven years now, yet to see a missed year. Whatever is going on with their lives, it is a priority for them to maintain friendship. It is not like they are consciously thinking about maintaining friendship, they have a pull towards each other and they cannot help but spend time together.

      • Do I need new friends?

        Oh man, that sounds so nice. I also feel like my husband has that type of relationship with a group of friends, and I am bummed that I don’t have anything comparable. :(

    • Small Firm IP Litigator

      It isn’t my experience either. I had close knit groups of friends in law school, but that has kind of fallen away. I don’t live near many of my friends, and the ones I do live near – we have just grown apart. I am married, and none of them are. I also work much more than they do, and have grown more interested in things like fitness and hobbies over time (and spending time with my husband), and they are still into going to loud bars and clubs. I am not really into that anymore. I also feel like we don’t have anything to talk about if we get together for dinner because we lack any common interests, so it is always disappointing. I’m probably better friends with some of my co-workers – we do things together like double dates, going on runs, etc.

  14. Anon

    I have been using Evernote since maybe 2011 for casual note-taking and organization, and love it for that, but I was today days old when I discovered the templates. What other hacks am I probably missing?

    • Davis

      Wow – these are new to me too! I can’t say I have any hacks to share. I’m not the most organized with these notes, but I’d love to hear what templates others find useful or other tips.

  15. Ginjury

    You all always have such great vacation recommendations so I’m looking for your help. Do you have any suggestions for an inexpensive beach vacation flying from Boston? My SO has PTO that will expire in March and my February is looking pretty booked so we’re thinking about doing a vacation over MLK weekend and tacking on a few days at the beginning or end. Our last warm weather winter vacation was to Turks & Caicos and was absolutely incredible (but very expensive). We’re looking for somewhere easy to get to from Boston with a beautiful beach and also some good and restaurants for probably under $3k total (less if possible, but I know things can quickly add up). We want to be able to relax, but also do some exploring in the town. Thanks for your help!

      • Anon

        +1 to Puerto Rico. You could also consider the Dominican Republic or Cartagena. Another idea: I spent a day in Aruba off a cruise and have been jonesing to go back for an extended trip. It’s the happiest place, and if you go, do the trike tour.

    • Anon

      Tulum- fly to Cancun and take a 2 hour shuttle (or rent a car to drive). Nice beaches, ruins, cenotes and good restaurants. It’s very reasonable if you don’t stay at an all inclusive. Or anywhere further up the Riveria Maya, like Puerto Morales.

      • Anon

        Have been to the Riviera Maya twice, and it was great both times. I’ve only done all-inclusives (which were reasonable).

    • Abby

      Not sure if this is a little too far from you, but you should check out Belize! Went there for honeymoon, but met many couples and people there for a long weekend. Caye Caulker is the island part we stayed at – very relaxing, not fancy but still enjoyable. The food is divine and everything is very affordable.

    • Anon

      Just moved from Boston, but a lot of my friends do Bermuda or Miami for beach vacays from Boston as Jetblue flies direct to both for not that pricy. I have no clue when the right time to fly to Bermuda is, but Miami should be great in Feb!

  16. Anon

    Paging Gail the Goldfish – did you decide to buy a horse? Would love an update!

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I did:-) Bought her last week and it’s been awesome so far. Now I’m just acquiring all the tack and need it to stop raining/snowing every 3 days so the ring actually dries out completely (so over this winter. It hasn’t even officially started and we’ve already gotten our yearly average worth of snow)

      • Anon

        Oh yay, congratulations!! Let us know how everything works out (fun-wise, financially-wise, and otherwise)!

      • Panda Bear

        Congrats! I really enjoyed reading that thread. I also dream of having a horse someday. Good for you!

  17. Anon

    I think I asked too late yesterday for any responses. I’m going to Paris (I’m going to Paris!!) in May and I’m using Marriott points for lodging. I have a reservation at the Renaissance Vendome, but can still change it. Any superior hotels in the Marriott/SPG family that you recommend?

    I’m staying alone but would like to be walking distance to lots of things.

    • Anonymous

      I stayed at the Westin Vendome for my honeymoon with SPG points and really liked it

        • Anonymous

          It was a while ago, but it was nice and fancy and in a good location for tourism.

      • Anonymous

        We stayed at the Westin Vendome a few years ago on points. It was amazing. We ended up in a suite and had a butler who was the most elegant French woman imaginable and delightful to us. We had dinner one evening in the atrium with our younger kids and the staff were lovely. Close to everywhere for touristy stuff, too. Highly recommend!

    • Anon

      It’s a splurge, but the Prince des Galles (a Luxury Collection hotel in the SPG family) is amazingly beautiful and worth every penny. It’s walking distance to the Arc de Triomphe, the Champs-Elysee, and has some great local shopping as well. If nothing else, book a special dinner at the La Scene restaurant there, or stop by their gorgeous courtyard bar for a drink.

  18. Montreal Ski Trip

    Planning a ski trip in Montreal next week. Do you have an recommendation for a reasonably priced ski resort/hotel/AirBnB? We plan to take the train from Toronto to Montreal and stay there for about 3-4 days. Thanks in advance!

    • Equestrian Attorney

      Do you want to stay in Montreal itself? Most ski hills are at least an hour away so I can’t think of a place in the city that I would describe as a “ski resort” although there are plenty of fun hotels and airbnbs in the city.
      Tremblant is obviously the classic choice, but I like the Eastern Townships, particularly Sutton.

      • Cat

        +1. Have been to Montreal as part of a ski trip, but did downtown stuff for a few days and then switched rentals to Tremblant for skiing. There were SO many Airbnbs downtown it was a little exhausting choosing one!

  19. Anonymous

    Taking my first barre class tonight! What should I wear? What should I expect the flow of a workout to be like? I have a ballet background but no Experience here

    • ATL rette

      Wear athletic clothes: leggings, sports bra (low impact is fine), athletic T-shirt or tank top. Some places make you wear grippy socks (Pure Barre), others let you go barefoot. Call beforehand to check, you can buy them at the studio if needed.

      Flow depends on the studio and class but generally will include stretching, weights/cardio portion, seat work, ab work. Nothing very ballet-reminiscent.

      Enjoy!! I love my classes!!

    • emeralds

      My barre uniform is black leggings (calf-length capri or longer) with a reasonably cute tank (so like, one step up from my running uniform of grody t-shits from 5ks, not a $95 Lulu masterpiece). Studios vary on preferences for socks–I would bring a pair of athletic socks with you to cover your bases, but you may or may not end up needing them.

      Barre classes usually have a predictable flow. You’ll start with some very light cardio steps to warm up, then flow through arm, core, quad/calf, and glute sections, often adding an extra core section or two, and finishing with stretches. Be mindful of your form, which ballet should help you with–it’s more important to do exercises properly and with correct form, than to get the lowest, do every single rep, or not take any breaks. Dance-type movements and sequences may be more or less present, depending on the studio. Instructors should be available to help with form as you go, and will also likely give you a quick breakdown on movements and terminology before class starts. My studio will do their best to stick new people next to either a teacher who’s taking class, or someone who’s taken 200+ classes, to be a reference for form.

      Good luck and have fun! Personally, I found the learning curve in barre to be very steep (I have no dance background and am generally uncoordinated), but once I’d taken classes for a couple of weeks, I fell in love. So unless you absolutely hate it, I would maybe give it a week or two before making a final judgment.

      • cbackson

        +1 to the last paragraph. Every time I try barre, the first class is HARD. There are muscles in your butt that you work to exhaustion that I didn’t even know existed. But it’s easier even by the second class.

    • C2

      I wear normal workout leggings and tank, with thick supportive socks. I haven’t gone and invested in any grippy socks yet, but some people do. If the studio is cold at first I might start off in a long sleeve tech-fabric top, but despite how low-impact barre is, I always end up warm and sweaty.

      The 45-minute class I attend consists of approximately: 5 min warm up (jumping jacks, some stretching and light yoga moves), 25 min work at the barre (basically a lot of leg raises, kicks, squats, lunges combined with the different positions of plie and other ballet-inspired movements), and 10 min of abs/core/leg raises in bridge pose, and 5 min cool down and stretch.

    • Anon

      Barre class is nothing like ballet, other than that you use a barre. If you have a ballet background you will probably raise an eyebrow at some of the things they do in class. But, it’s a great workout. Some barre studios require socks (and in some cases nonstick socks), so bring some socks just in case. I prefer bare feet.

      • LAJen

        I was just coming here to say this same thing. As a former ballerina, I find barre classes to be really frustrating because the form is not at all the same. So I would just say…don’t expect it to be anything like a barre warm-up in a ballet class.

  20. lsw

    Looking for thoughts on perking up my (minimal) makeup routine. Right now I’m just doing all over Hourglass ambient light powder, blush (on the apples and brushed back and up), brow pencil (I have super sparse brows), mascara, and lipstick or gloss. I like the look of all of it but feel like I’m lacking…dimension? in the mid face. Loving my eyes and my lips as more awake and defined, but then the rest of my face just looks like it hasn’t quite caught up. I don’t want to go with just bolder blush because then I feel like it looks too Made Up. I like a natural but better look – typically when I wear makeup people will say, “You look nice” or ask if I got a haircut because they see it looks different but don’t perceive that it’s makeup.

    I’m not super skilled or anything so I’m doing pretty basic stuff and I just don’t have any other ideas. I have a pretty round face without prominent cheekbones so haven’t had much luck with highlighting or doing bronzer in the cheeks, I feel like it doesn’t do much since I don’t have a lot of angles.

    • Anonymous

      My face is pretty round too. I don’t do anything close to a full highlight and contour like you see on youtube, but just a little bronzer under the cheekbones helps define them a little. I use a bit on the sides of my forehead and I think it helps me look more awake. I look sort of… idk how to describe it… flat? otherwise.

    • Anonymous

      I would not use the Ambient Light powder all over. It’s a highlighter, so I would just use it on your cheekbones. Putting it all over will remove a lot of dimension.

    • Anon

      Have you tried a light highlighter close to your skin tone? I put that on the apple of my cheeks, brushed upward toward browbone, then blending into under my eyebrow. It’s a technique I got from watching an interview of Rihanna’s makeup artist – that’s how she always looks so glowy. Just enough highlighter to give a glow, not enough to look sparkly. I do this under or over the blush, depending on how dark the blush is (under if light, over if dark)

    • Duckles

      I have such a hard time believing this… I could see mid-range ($50-$150) shoes being passed as higher end but sub- $20 shoes are fake suede, fake leather, poor linings…

      • Anonymous

        I am just a window shopper, but is there not a tier of luxury goods where quality becomes BS again? (You’re paying for the designer, and you’re not going to wear it twice anyway?)

        • Cat

          I think that’s the point that Duckles was making. $20 shoes look and smell synthetic, making the quoted prices seem outrageous and the story questionable. But the difference between shoes priced at $200 and $600 isn’t likely to have triple the improvement in quality as opposed to triple the branding power, so I could see that fooling the “influencers” plausibly.

  22. Anon

    Work wear question: I have a new sweater from Ann Taylor that’s light pink. I wore a white cami underneath because it’s a little thin and I didn’t want any questions of sheer-ness. But now you can see that I have a cami on, and this sweater is crew neck, and the cami is not so you can see the lower neckline through the sweater.

    I don’t think a nude cami would even fix this problem, what would most of you normally wear? Just stop wearing this sweater for work or am I overthinking it?

    • Anon

      A lot of sweaters I have are sheer with a white cami but not with a nude cami. The nude cami really may fix the problem. If the nude cami doesn’t fix it, then you may have to give up on the sweater.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe a crew neck tank (so just the sleeves are sheer) or even a shirt the same general dimensions as the sweater? (I wear long underwear in winter when I can get away with it, and this might be one of those times?)

    • anon

      I’d probably wear a white t shirt underneath, but I do that with most of my sweaters so I don’t have to wash after every wear.

    • ...

      Either a nude-for-you or, if that makes it look like you’re showing too much skin, I’d try a cami that was the same neckline shape and same color as the sweater. If neither of those look right, I’d either wear it casually where this stuff won’t matter or I’d return it.

    • ATL rette

      I think you’re overthinking this. I have coworkers who wear thinner shirts with high necklines and not-as-high-neckline camis and it isn’t something that I find visually offending? I’m sure I’ve done the same thing and haven’t ever really thought about it.

      But if it really bothers you, I’d do a crewneck tee underneath.

    • OP

      Thanks for all the advice! I was trying to branch out and also expected Ann Taylor to not sell me things that are potentially see through.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t worry about people knowing I had a cami on but nude for you will show less. It’s like the advice to wear nude panties, not white, under white pants.

      Seriously. People wear bras. People wear camis. It’s ok if they show a little through clothing. But try the nude shade.

  23. Katie

    PSA: There’s an MMLaFleur “misfits” sale in DC today through Saturday at 1343 L St NW. I picked up two dresses for about 60% off. My items were so lightly damaged as to be imperceptible (one has a pinprick in the lining, which no one sees), and I couldn’t find anything wrong with the other. Thought others might like the heads up!

    • Squash Blossoms

      Speaking of MMLF, does anyone have a link to their super secret online sale?

      • Mm

        I haven’t seen it go live yet. If they do it, it’s usually closer to new year

  24. New Zealand Trip

    DH and I are heading to New Zealand for the holidays. We will be in the South Island for ~10 days (Queenstown/Glenorchy, Milford Sound, Nelson/Malborough) and Auckland for 4 days. Any suggestions for things to do/restaurants/wineries? We are already doing the Milford Sound cruise and hiking the the Milford Track and in Abel Tasman.

    • Friendly Kiwi

      Hello – I live in New Zealand! My main advice would be not to try to drive too much. The South Island is really big, and trying to drive around the entire thing will suck up your ten days pretty quickly. Central Otago is beautiful – I particularly like the bits out of Queenstown, like Bendigo/Welshtown, the Lindis Valley and St Bathans. I’d suggest driving up the West Coast from there, then going up the Buller and into the Nelson region. Golden Bay and Nelson are really beautiful and are good at that time of year. A cruise through the Marlborough Sounds on a water taxi is always great.

      Also, beware of NZ roads! They are often small and winding and we drive on the left. Lots of tourists have accidents, so take it easy and have lots of rests :)

      NZ is great – if you have any questions, just ask.

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