Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Button-Down Shirtdress

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1. What are the best things you have done for yourself that really made a difference in your life and your happiness? Money isn’t a significant object, although I skew very frugal. Some examples- I started therapy recently to deal with my very deep rooted feelings of inadequacy that are totally unfounded, getting microneedling to deal with acne scars that have exacerbated such feelings, and I’ve recently committed to getting more sleep and prioritizing that over other things. I feel like I’m on a roll here and want to just keep on this improvement bandwagon. I’m early 30s, married with no kids if that matters.

   What are investments you’ve made in yourself that have been worth it?

   1. Exercising regularly -5 days/week. Turns out I love running – who knew?!
      Caveat that I could not manage it when my son was young – I was fairly sporadic from when he was born to about age 2.5, then got back into it, albeit a different routine.

   2. Cleaning service.

      1. Seconding this. My life improved significantly with a cleaning every other week. I loved it so much we upped it to every week and it’s truly wonderful.

   3. Quitting alcohol and choosing happiness (and kindness). Not all the time of course, that’s not possible or healthy, but choosing to be happy when I can. There are always things I can gripe about, but choosing not to sweat the small stuff and to choose happiness has made a huge difference for me.

      1. Agree on the choosing happiness. I start each day, before my feet hit the floor, with a reminder that life will throw curveballs, but I will choose happiness. For the naysayers, I am not a Pollyanna. I have dealt with the death of both parents, a child with a disability and significant health challenges of my own, as well as intervals of job misery. I choose happiness, to the best of my ability, and I recommit to that each day.

      2. I had to quit alcohol due to gallbladder problems, which really wasn’t a big deal to me because I wasn’t a huge fan in the first place. But damn, even dropping my 2-3 drinks per month made an amazing difference in my complexion. I look 5 years younger.

         1. I find this difficult to believe. 2-3 drinks a month is nothing. I think you’re seeing what you want to see. You probably always looked good.

            1. Or the gallbladder issues were making you feel crummy and impacted your skin?

            2. It’s definitely not nothing. I noticed a similar effect when I quit drinking and I was at the same level of consumption. Alcohol is really, really bad for you. So is sugar and plenty of other things, so it’s not like alcohol is unique in that regard. But stopping even moderate consumption can make you feel and look a lot healthier.

   4. Therapy 100%. Also working with a provider to really dial into the right antidepressant/right dose for me.
      Lifting weights.
      Going to the dermatologist and taking spiro for my acne.

      1. How long did it take spiro to work for you? I just finished month 2 and changes have been limited, although I know it generally takes a lot longer to work.

         1. It took over 10 months but was so worth it – I get a small pimple around my period but that’s it. I’m on 150mg a day.

         2. What is your dose? I saw effects VERY quickly, but needed to increase to a high enough dose. My derm started me at 25mg a day, but I pushed her to increase it to 100mg before I saw the best effects. The down side is needing to hydrate well or it dehydrates me.

   5. Ooh fab question. I do a yoga nidra meditation 2 nights a week via Zoom and it makes my life demonstrably better. I fall asleep immediately after (sometimes during!) and sleep so so well, and taking the time to breathe and relax my body really helps.
      I also got my bike tuned up this weekend and holy moly – I am so much faster. The mobile bike guy said the wheels were all gummed up and needed a good clean. I feel like this is a bike lesson but also a life lesson – fix the bitty thing that’s annoying you.

      1. +1 on quitting alcohol. I thought I drank to reduce anxiety and it turns out a lot of my anxiety was caused by alcohol related chemical changes. Feeling so much better sober!

      2. More about yoga nidra please. It’s been in my someday list for over a decade maybe closer to 15 years.

   6. I invested in an active hobby I love- it keeps me moving nearly every day, I’ve made great friends, and it gives me a sense of worth and value outside of work or my family relationships

      And I cut back on drinking. I used to have a drink a day, three or 4 on Friday and Saturday. Now most days I don’t drink at all, and rarely have more than 4 drinks in a week.

   7. Paying for cleaners (paying for professionals to do anything that would take me longer than 2~ hours and that would require special equipment I don’t own – see also, painters, movers, installers for blinds, hair stylist to dye/cut my hair). Regular exercise (even just walks around the block right now with covid rising, but my Obe membership is a good too), taking vitamins/medication for my anxiety, therapy, and seeing doctors regularly for the annoying health issues I don’t want to snowball into bigger things.
      On a more shallow note – paying for skincare/dermatologists to address/reduce side effects from my cystic acne. Turns out it doesn’t just ‘go away’ after your teens if it is due to PCOS. Ugh.

   8. WFH. Active hobbies. Choosing happiness.

      1. Forgot to add – having a sense of playfulness in my marriage (and life!). My husband and I use special voices when talking to our cat, we send each other ridiculous Snapchat filters, we do cannonballs and Marco Polo together when we’re swimming in the pool, we use absurd accents and nicknames, and just spend a lot of time chuckling. We’ve both been through a lot and it’s important to us to have a warm, loving, and fun household.

         1. This is really lovely.

         2. Really nice to hear we are not the only ones :) so sweet!

   9. Finding a job where I can walk/bike to work instead of having to drive.

      1. This also makes such a difference for me.

   10. I’m pretty free with spending on belongings, but have been shifting my spending toward ways of feeling lately. This isn’t “experiences” such as events out or travel, it’s ways of feeling better in my day to day life. So there isn’t an increase in spending, it’s just redirected spending on: CBD tincture, 3,000 mg per bottle. (Most CBD products don’t do anything, you have to spend $ and get a high dose IME.) Yin yoga that I make myself attend in person weekly or else it won’t happen. (Sweaty workouts will always happen, but stretching might not.) Florastor, an expensive probiotic recommended by a gastroenterologist. Stomach issues almost totally gone.

       1. +1. In my case, a run of three massages in a single month has done amazing things for longstanding mobility issues. It was definitely a budget commitment, but investing in how I feel has had amazing ripples (my clothes look better, because I can stand up straight! I have more energy!)

       2. I have a.florastor but never take it. Good to hear. Can you share what yin yoga does for you?

   11. On the larger level, consistent exercise and literally taking the advice from “Let It Go” for the small stuff. On the day to day level, buying a water bottle with a flip-top straw and curating an entire shelf of houseplants in my living room. Oh and paying for a massage once or twice a year because I am apparently tense AF all the time.

   12. I no longer police my own thoughts. I don’t berate myself for being snarky, uncharitable, bitchy, or anything else inside my own head. How I outwardly treat people is all that matters. My brain is a haven that I deserve to have to myself.

       1. “My brain is a haven I deserve to have to myself.” I love this and am adopting this right now!

   13. WFH. For all it’s downsides (extrovert here), it has facilitated more and better sleep, daily exercise, eating better, cooking dinner and more time with my teens. The benefits outweigh the negatives for me.

       1. +1 for me, although I’m a huge introvert so I’m not surprised I love WFH. It’s been amazing because I’ve never had a WFH job my entire 20 year career and now I doubt I’ll ever go back to a FT office job.

       2. *its, not it’s

   14. Not waiting for the “right time.” There isn’t one. I’ve spent so much time waiting for the wind to die down so I could go running, thinking I needed to have X and Y in order before I could do Z that I knew would be helpful, telling myself I didn’t have to eat a salad with dinner since the day had been so emotionally difficult. These days when I catch myself saying that, I do the thing I’m avoiding.

   15. Pivoting from the prestigious default career track where I was unhappy every day, to a less glamorous role where I feel like my work has an impact now.

   16. Feeling ALL the feelings. Not just talking about them in therapy. Really taking the time to go through what I’m feeling.

   17. I acknowledged that this year will suck, so why not complete all the tasks I have been delaying – like medical procedures, some gov/admin things. I created a list and made sure I keep on track. It feels so good to know that I have no admin baggage left (try moving between 4 countries on last 2 years) and I closed my list of medical procedures (had 4 surgeries this year).
       Less drama but makes me feel good – I take a 4km walk every day and use this time to either mentally recharge or call family/friends. This i on top of my exercise routine, which was stalled by the surgeries. But walking is healing for body and mind.

   18. Exercising regularly. Tackling my various niggling health issues in order of how much they impact my day.

   19. Dealing with a lot of my health problems and getting diagnoses, finally. I was in avoidance mode for a long time.

   20. I am very much focused on finding a guy to marry me, so I feel inadequate b/c so many of the men are simply not interested in going that extra distance with me. I think it is because of my success and their need to be in charge, which I am queezy about b/c I have worked so hard and do not want to check my brain’s at the door just to be married. I have taken the course Dale Carnegie, and did very well, but still, men are scared of me b/c I am smart and pretty, with money and a good job, and they are not like me in all respects.

       Should I continue or should I compromise my morals by letting them take the upper lead on things, even tho I am so much more accomplished then them? I don’t know, and think other women have NOT have had to do that to get their men. TIA for any tips here!

   21. I love this thread and the comments so much! I’m in a tough period in my life – dealing with the unexpected death last year of my partner, have young kids – and life just seems hard right now. Obviously most of that hardness is because my husband died duh but it’s also great to have ideas for small, achievable things that might make my life slightly better in small ways. I have been interested in micro needling for a while too :)

   22. Adopting a dog. I thought I wouldn’t do it until I retired and I had more time, but he has been home with me for 2.5 years and I’m so glad I didn’t wait. He brings me joy every day. And I love watching him with other people. He loves big if you are one of his people. He was a lot of work as a puppy, and has his quirks, but I can’t imagine life without him.

2. I guess this is know your work setting, but this dress seems too much “lady out to lunch” or “Sunday church service”.

   1. I love the cut and style of this dress. But that print? I’m pretty sure it’s the curtain fabric that Maria used to make the Von Trapp’s their matching outfits.

      1. Play clothes??? Play clothes????

         1. *snort*

         2. They still have plenty of wear left.

      2. If it were more of a DVF pattern vs a large floral print, I’d be on board. In fact, I am on board — DVF Pritta is find-able on eBay, etc. Highly recommend.

   2. It’s very Kirsty from Location, location, location (UK). Love the look on her, but too bold prints for my everday workwear.

3. Kat/Kate —

   I have to know – did anyone buy those super expensive sheets the other day?

   1. And if you can find out who did, I desperately want to read their Tale from the Wallet!

4. Shopping help… I’d like to get a new casual dress for an evening out. I am petite and am a size 4-8 depending on brand. I need something to be bra-friendly and prefer some sort of sleeves. I’d like to be on-trend without spending a ton (under $100). I like the tiered, midi styles but feel like they can overwhelm me quickly because of my height. Bonus points for telling me what shoes to wear!

   1. Scan from Target:
      Love love love the teal: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-ruffle-short-sleeve-dress-a-new-day/-/A-82247102?preselect=81945484#lnk=sametab
      Long sleeve: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-balloon-long-sleeve-smocked-waist-dress-universal-thread/-/A-82683198?preselect=82548307#lnk=sametab
      Might be more of a daytime look, but still cute: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-puff-3-4-sleeve-shirtdress-who-what-wear/-/A-82566938?preselect=81903733#lnk=sametab
      Wild card: looks a bit more dressy, but I really like it: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-one-shoulder-puff-short-sleeve-dress-who-what-wear/-/A-81616625?preselect=81492117#lnk=sametab

      1. Thank you!!

   2. If you want casual that you can elevate, I love this T-Shirt dress in black (I own it). The knit is very high quality:
      https://www.universalstandard.com/products/tesino-washed-jersey-dress-black
      Would be great with fashionable sneakers as well as funky strappy sandals. Throw a jacket of choice over it for a third piece if you like and you’re good to go.
      The same brand has other less casual options that are great.

5. I just bought a new house and it needs an (interior) paint job. any recs for great painters in Houston? I’m in the loop if it makes a difference. Thanks!

6. Does anyone have a steam shower? We’re scoping out our master bath renovation and are looking for some first-hand feedback about them. We would have a fully enclosed walk in shower stall, glass floor to ceiling with a louvre vent above the door. If you have one, do you know what system you have? Was it worth the cost in your opinion? We’re still doing research but from what I gather there are certain tiles we shouldn’t use in the shower given the steam. Did you have a specialist install it or was your GC able to, if you installed it yourself? Anything else? TIA!

   1. I don’t have a steam shower but I am here to testify for jets. Make sure you get jets!!

      1. Interesting. My former house had a shower with jets and I did not like them!

   2. I have a steam shower that was in my fancy bathroom when I bought the house. I rarely use the steam function except for my clothes, but it’s great for mass de-wrinkling.

      1. Oooh… thanks for commenting. Does it present as a ‘normal’ looking shower? Any weird parts / generators / bump outs in the bathroom to account for the system? I’ve seen a huge range of systems and I just want a normal looking shower with this added functionality. If I have to sacrifice aesthetic, it’s a no from me.

7. Any recs for unique-to-NYC shopping that aren’t crazy expensive? I’d love to shop indie designers or boutiques that aren’t in every city in America, but realistically I’m on a Madewell/Anthro kind of budget.

   1. you might not find this helpful but honestly the best for this is to take a couple afternoons and walk around soho, both east of broadway (so nolita area) and west of broadway (although west broadway is more high end, and will also have your luxury brands). On broadway proper you’ll find the normal big brand stores but I’ve always found the other parts of soho very cute to browse and many times more affordable than you would imagine.

      Another option is washington street in Hoboken – I remember there being a lot of cute stores.

      1. Absolutely this. Walk around, find little boutiques.

      2. Hoboken has a few boutiques but mostly anthropology and Francesca’s type stores and one boutique uptown that is laughably overpriced. Hoboken is great but don’t make a trip for shopping.

   2. I would suggest browsing in Pearl River Market, ABC home furnishings (their attached restaurant is great too), Fish’s Eddy, and second the rec to wander around Soho. If you’re into any particular brands it’s worth it to check and see if they have NYC flagships. I would also suggest walking up Madison to 59th, and then poking around the BIG fashion/beauty stores around the park, and then walking back down to midtown on 5th avenue – you’ll hit the biggest stores easily that way. If you like Asian beauty there are a bunch of little shops around the 30’s in Korea town- Besfren Beauty is one of the bigger ones.

      1. +1 on Fishs Eddie.

   3. Based on Miranda Priestley’s theory that everything trickles down, I’d not rule out at least window shopping at Bergdorf’s (w57th&5th-ish) and then realizing when you find a good knockoff or “inspired by” at Anthro or Express or other mall stores.

      Also, Houston Street-ish in SoHo is great for just looking at things. There is also a MZ Wallace (nylon purses, etc.) boutique there if you are a person who likes to see things in person.

   4. Century 21 is not a pleasant shopping experience, but it is very NYC, and it is great for deals if you’re willing to sort through for a while.

      1. I get anxiety just walk past Centruy 21 ha.

      2. I love the original C21 in lower manhattan but I’m afraid the deals aren’t what they used to be. They’ve clearly gone the Nordstrom Rack route as they’ve expanded – it’s not overstock from high end designers, it’s lower end lines designed specifically for C21.

   5. In Brooklyn, you could spend some time on Franklin Street in Greenpoint, Bedford Ave in Williamsburg, Smith Street in Cobble Hill, or maybe also 5th Ave in Park Slope. All have smaller boutiques that are fun to browse.

      1. Oooh, I’d totally recommend browsing the Clay Pot in Park Slope! They have some amazing indie designers that are harder to find irl other places.

   6. Look online to see if there are any sample sales that are of interest during your visit. Also, I have a few great items purchased from street vendors, but you need to look for the “I make what I sell” version, rather than most vendors who are selling goods mass-produced overseas. Yes to ABC Home and Fish’s Eddie.

   7. Beacon’s Closet!

      1. +1, I almost always hit Beacon’s Closet when I’m in NYC (usually the one in Greenpoint since it’s next to the friend group fav beer hall, Spritzenhaus).

         I’ll add Catbird if you want jewelry.

         +however many to ABC and Pearl River for home goods.

         1. Oh, I’ll also add Brooklyn Flea or whatever flea markets or craft fairs are happening while you’re in town.

   8. Honestly I’d just go to one or more of The Real Real’s brick & mortar locations.

   9. You might also walk up Lex from 59th to around 86th. There are quite a few indie boutiques hanging on and not all of them are crazy expensive, then head over to Mad and walk down. The single-brand stores on Mad tend to be expensive and sometimes mass market (eg Johnny Was) but then again Anthro can be expensive too, so… my favorite consignment store is on Mad, called Michael’s.

      Pearl River Mart moved, streamlined, and is a shadow of its former glory

   10. Aritzia and Uniqlo are shops I love to go to in NYC that aren’t in my major city- obviously not indie, but reasonably priced (especially Uniqlo) and something different!

8. Jumping off the money snapshot from last week, does anyone have a financial planner (fee-based, fiduciary) that is familiar with the Federal employee retirement system (bonus points for familiarity with leg branch retirement). Fine to meet virtually.

9. Hey! It’s me with the crossover shirt from last week. I decided to keep a white one because I am wearing so many full-elastic pants that I wanted something that went over the pants vs getting tucked in. The shirt is definitely a B- as a stand-alone, but it also allows me to wear comfy pants to work. Somehow I want to hide a full-elastic waist on pants (but am OK with ones that are just elastic in the back or have bits of it on the sides). I am guessing it’s because those pants just are meh with tailoring around the butt / stomach and more cheaply made (but very very comfy). I’m pretty sure it’s a transition to fall look (and maybe will work with a Pranayama cardigan, but otherwise wouldn’t work with something more tailored like a blazer or normal cardigan).

   Sigh. I wonder if this what it’s like for retirees (or my friends who left the military or health care careers where they just wore scrubs for decades)? Trying to figure out new clothes for how your life is in a new moment.

   1. It truly is not this hard to wear clothes.

      1. I agree with the great pieces that fit you well. I also agree that it is hard to cobble together different suboptimal pieces in a different style than you are used to, especially when changing sizes and/or shape (e.g., post-partum, on steriods and puffy, COVID 15, etc.). Often this is why I wear A-line dresses.

      2. I think it’s harder. But I struggle to fit in clothes off the rack so my choices are always really limited for clothes I don’t want to get tailored.

      3. Yeah this is a fashion blog. Once again, it’s you in the wrong place, not OP. Don’t you get tired of being annoyed at the same thing over and over? Go play somewhere else.

   2. Is everyone truly changing their entire office wardrobe? Do I look “very B.C.” or “sooo 2019” because I am wearing pants with waistbands, blazers, and shells and shoes made of leather?

      1. I’m not. I wear what I have because it fits me and there isn’t anything wrong with it.

      2. Nobody has where I work. I don’t think most people have the money or will to entirely change their wardrobes overnight.

      3. Sort of — I went up a size and what is in stores now is just not what I was used to (WTH is a “barrel jean”?). I am really not sure that any of it is made for adults with jobs vs teens / 20s women.

      4. I stopped wearing pants with waistbands before the pandemic!

      5. I’m not either – I definitely wear my flats more often, but I am still team 4″ heel to feel really put together for the office.

10. Just a vent. Is anyone just really frustrated with dating? I’ve been seeing this guy every weekend for the last 2 months, texting everyone day, have met some of his friends, and have stayed overnight a few times. He has told me that this is the easiest and most real connection he’s made with anyone in a very long time, and invited me on vacation with his friends in October. This weekend, I suggested that we see only each other (not an official boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, nothing else changes, but we wouldn’t be dating other people).

    He said he needs time to think about it. He said he has been on a few dates in the last two months but nothing near to where we are. Soooo…. What’s the hang up here? His actions and words prior to this convo all point to this going somewhere.

    We both said at the outset we were looking for a relationship. It’s so frustrating!!

    1. I learned this the hard way. Some men are just really good at ‘faking’ relationships: they do everything BUT commit. There are a lot of sweet gestures, meeting of friends and family, and daily check-ins. However, when it comes to actual commitment (not seeing other people, engagement, marriage, moving in), he drags his feet.

       This is the serial monogamist or almost-monogamist playbook. If you aren’t looking for serial monogamy, cut your losses.

       1. This exactly. I watch women spend years of lives waiting around for guys like this. Just move on.

          1. Yes, I lived that with my Alan Sheketovits for years. Cut bait now, because the fish won’t bite once it’s rancid, Dad says. PTOOEY!

    2. I’m glad you brought it up. If you’re not on the same page by the time it rolls around, you may not want to go on this group vacation with him.

       1. Definitely. If he’s not ready to commit to not dating other people soon, I’m going to cut my losses and end this all together. If he’s not ready now, when will he be? I’m not asking for a ring for goodness sakes!

          1. it has been two months–give it one more month, and see if he brings this up again. Maybe he will have thought about it. Then, cut your losses if need be.

             1. If you’re having fun, sure. But for me, this kind of situation isn’t fun. I can’t relax and enjoy my time while the other person continues to weigh whether or not I’m good enough. As soon as one person has asked for more, and the other is hesitating, there’s a power imbalance. Dating, especially this super early on, is supposed to be fun and a source of warmth and pleasure in life.

             2. I don’t know why you would spend a whole month dealing with this dude instead lining up first/second/third dates with other dudes.

             3. No Face has it totally right. OP, now’s the time to get back on the apps and set up some more dates. Don’t be loyal to someone who transparently has no loyalty to you! You don’t owe this guy anything. He wants to keep it loose; stay loose yourself. Who knows, you might also meet someone better. Don’t live your life like you’re committed until you’ve actually got a commitment.

    3. Dating is the worst. I’m talking to a guy who just now mentions he has a 14 year old daughter and another who just mentioned he’s looking for an ethically non monogamous relationship. I wish they both just put that in their profile!!! No one wants to commit because everyone thinks something “better” is just a swipe right away. I’m sorry his response is disappointing. You’re definitely not alone in your frustrations although I know that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I’d give it another month but if he’s not willing to be exclusive now, start dating again while still seeing him. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. If after another month he still isn’t ready, I’d cut him loose.

       1. Wut. The “I want an ethically non-monogamous relationship” guy seriously didn’t think that was an important thing to disclose up-front? He thinks it’s okay to waste people’s time by not disclosing something like that right away? Gross. Polyamory is cool if everyone involved is okay with it, but it’s not for me and every minute spent talking to someone who wanted that for themselves would be a minute of wasted time – and I’d be salty about it. That dude would end up ghosted and blocked, for sure.

          1. We didn’t actually meet up. We are just talking on the app but most men will actually put that in their profile and I’ll swipe left. So even having a few messages back and forth is BS to me. He also said he specifically didn’t put it in his profile probably bc he didn’t get any matches. He didn’t get any matches for a reason!!! Also, I noticed he has photos that are clearly 10 years old bc his last photo he has grey hair and brown in the first. Be honest!! Ugh

             1. I got the same thing from guys who lied about their age. Their reason was…that younger women wouldn’t match with them if they posted their real ages.

                Why is deception the workaround when you know people won’t be interested in who you actually are? It’s disrespectful and manipulative.

             2. Same thing with height. My age and height ranges are set because those are the ranges I’m willing to date. I’m 5’8” and 36 so my ranges are 5’7” and up and 32 to 44. If you are 48 and say you’re 44 wtf dude!!

             3. So that guy is seeking and “ethical non-monogamous relationship” using unethical methods? Hard pass.

    4. Hugs. He’s sending a lot of signals, sadly a bit inconsistent (if it were me).

       I guess, before I spend the night, I want a guy to be up front about if he is dating other people. Like, am I going to find a third person’s toothbrush? Because if I am spending the night, I really, really don’t want to and I don’t want to find out you are dating around the next week. And I definitely don’t want him to have spaces that would include a fourth person’s toothbrush. Just narrow it down, OK? I’m OK if I’m the one cut, but just be up front! I don’t want to spend time on you that I could be spending finding a guy who wants to chose me.

       1. You do not want to find that woman’s toothbrush or any other evidence of other women at his apartment, because she/they probably have already done all kinds of stuff in bed with him that he will now expect and be demanding of you, and you are truly not ready for his demands and his wrinkled winkie poking all over in places sacred to you where he has already been with the other women. I say PTOOEY on him for now until he proves his fidelity to you.

    5. You’re just in different places. It sounds like he’s being clear – he said he wanted a relationship but he isn’t where you are yet. If it’s “going somewhere” that doesn’t mean it’s proceeding at the same pace in your head as in his. Now you need to decide if you’re willing to wait for him to get there or you want to move on. Nothing wrong with either of you, just out of perfect sync right this second.

       1. I’m going to push back on this. He definitely was not clear. He acted like her bf while he was still dating other people. He didn’t tell her about it until she asked. I know some will say it’s not exclusive until there’s a DTR but ime few people actually have a DTR, it happens kind of organically. Hiding behind a DTR is really gross when you go out of your way to act like you’re in a relationship by doing things like multiple overnights (not just hooking up and going home), intro to friends, and invite on a friend trip 2+ months from now. When you’re making plans farther in the future than you’ve been together, then you’re in a relationship.

    6. Ugh so annoying. I’d drop him because he’s wasting your time. But I’d also be really upset about it!!

    7. Wow that’s outrageous, I’m so angry on your behalf. Inviting you to a group vacation 2 months from now would definitely lead me to think we were together. Not even ONLY monogamous, like I would start referring to him as my bf. I definitely wouldn’t think he was still dating other people. Does he bring a different girl to every outing with friends? If I have a conflict is he going to call up the next girl? I would be so icked out and hurt, I’m sorry.

       1. Right?!? I didn’t think that having the “let’s not date other people” talk at this point would be a big deal…

       2. Agree. Not sure this is salvageable. So sorry!

       3. Agree. I can’t imagine planning a vacation two months out but balking at being exclusive. Sorry OP, this guy is a jerk.

    8. Move on. You want a guy who feels lucky that you want to date just him. Not one that feels like he’s settling by dating just you. It’s been two months, if he wanted an exclusive relationship you would have one by now.

       1. +100000

       2. THISSS!! When I was dating the last time around I was determined I wasn’t going to date anybody who wasn’t crazy about me. It narrowed down the pool A LOT but I ended up with somebody who was (wait for it) crazy about me.

          1. Exactly. A small pool with people who are really into you is better than a giant pool full of people wasting your time.

       3. Ugh. I know this is the answer but I hate it.

          I’m giving him a day or two to get back to me – and if it’s not a resounding and enthusiastic “let’s not date anyone else,” that’s it.

          1. You do not want a dude who takes a couple days to decide to be exclusive after being together for two months. Move on.

             1. Sadly this is the answer. He has already shown a lack of enthusiasm.

             2. Good point. Thank you all for the reality check.

             3. Sorry, but I agree with this. Life is too short and you are too fabulous to settle.

             4. Right? Dammit! You want and deserve a guy who is falling all over himself to be with you, not the guy who keeps you on tenterhooks waiting to see if you made the grade.

       4. +100000000000 this exactly. And break up with him so you get the satisfaction.

    9. Giiiiirrrrrrlllllll . . . SO FRUSTRATED. SO SO SO FRUSTRATED.

       I am on all the apps and run out of people all the time in my area. I am trying not to be so picky that I weed everyone out and have no one, but I also am not willing to compromise on certain things that weed a lot of people out (think, I live in a rural area but I refuse to date Trump supporters type of stuff).

       Recently, I went out with a colleague of a friend who was not a total stranger to me (industry overlap from years ago). Everything was going GREAT, according to him too, and then, I got vulnerable and he was MIA for a week, then he decided that things were right for him and it wasn’t as easy as he wanted it to be. I get that is 100% his call and he gets to decide that – no problem! BUT he had told me not long before that how “easy and chill” things were, that I felt like his GF to our mutual friend, and other things that were hella mixed messages when he finally owned up to not wanting to date anymore right before we were supposed to get together for plans that had been in place for over a week after me asking him to just say yes or no on plans and him not answering me at all. He’s almost 50! With two late-stage teenagers! He prides himself on communication and honesty! AGHHHH.

       Then I went out to lunch with a dude who was on a non-hookup app. Things were great! We hit it off! I initiated the what are you looking for convo because I don’t like to waste anyone’s time (my own included) and he goes I am not sure I ever want to be in a monogamous relationship ever again (is in process of getting divorced w/two kids). This is a totally fine decision for him to make! But I would never have “liked” him or met up with him if I knew this from the outset.

       I made plans to meet up with someone and then they disappeared. Fine, no loss here, but like AHHHH come on.

       Why is this so freaking hard! I hate getting my hopes up that there might even be potential only to be disappointed. It’s almost never about the person themselves, because it’s too early to know, but it’s so discouraging.

       1. My experience is that men with kids just look at us with hungry eyes, thinking we are fresh meat for the taking. We have needs too, and are NOT just there for their pleasures. FOOEY on men that just look at women as orifices for their miserably wormy winkies. We are so much more then that–caring humans interested in reciprocation, not simply drainage vehicles for their petty expulsions.

    10. If “are we exclusive?” isn’t met with a “Hell yes!” then it’s actually a “No”. A guy who wants to be with you, wants to be with you. He’s stringing you along. You deserve better than lukewarm. Block, delete, move on.

        1. Yes, sadly.

    11. Exclusively dating after 2 months and he’s still not your boyfriend??!! Girl no thanks.

        1. Well they haven’t been exclusive, but she is asking for that now. Nobody even used the B-word.

    12. He’s just not that into you. You deserve to be with someone who is.

        Eff that guy. Next!!

        1. JSFAMO

           1. Truer letters never spoken!

11. I posted a while back about feeling like a vacation just made things worse in terms of work.

    I read a lot of the tips and took them for my ‘real’ vacation. I went away to a place in the mountains and people knew ‘service would be spotty’ (nobody needed to know I had wifi). I left my work phone behind and left my laptop in a closet.

    WELL. I definitely verified this isn’t a self-imposed thing. I was still putting out fires. I’m not BigLaw and don’t have BigLaw pay… what I am though is Government and for those of you outside of government, understand that we have reduced staff for the past 10-15 years without replacing them… so none of us have any backups. It’s unsustainable and in my absence, my boss saw this (so that is a good thing).

    1. Only you have the power to set boundaries.

       1. +1. I know it’s really hard in some positions, OP, but it’s NEVER going to be easier as long as you stay there – they’re not going to hire a rockstar to help you out or take things off your plate for you. The only thing you can control is whether you answer your phone on vacation.

          1. Agree. Also the fires may be there but are they really truly that important? Ultimately it is your management’s problem, not yours. It’s ok if things aren’t done well or on time because you were out of the office. The powers that be have agreed that it’s fine by not having appropriate staff to handle these situations.

             1. Exactly this – if management won’t hire anyone else, they’ve accepted that things will not get done while people are on vacation.

       2. Okay, to the people who responded up here: this is what I really took away from my first post. It’s me. It’s me not setting boundaries.

          What I realized this week: No, it’s not. It’s that we are so horrifically understaffed that actual big, important things need to be handled. My point is that with this vacation, I did all the boundaries things. This is a structural problem with my job – and my boss is seeing that.

          It’s actually making me seriously consider leaving. This isn’t me feeling like I can’t take a day off – it’s actual reality.

          1. What would’ve happened if you didn’t respond to the work problems? Would someone have died? Would a $3M contract have been cancelled? How severe would the consequences have really been?

             1. This. The world is not going to burn down because you don’t check work email for a week. Especially in government where things tend to move at a glacial pace.

          2. Leaving is correct. The structural problem (understaffing) is out of your control, because it sounds like you cannot single handedly hire more people. So your choice is to live a life where you are exhausted and unable to take a break for the safe of your agency, or you can get another job. I vote another job. There is freedom in leaving.

             I left my last firm because of their reckless attitude about the pandemic, but being chronically understaffed was a problem. In hindsight, I gave up way to much of life to manage an impossible workload because the partners did not want to offer a salary high enough for more attorneys.

             1. Also, the people who I worked with before? Just as understaffed and overworked now as before I left.

          3. If you got hit by a bus and were in a coma, they’d figure it out or not.

          4. But if you told them service would be spotty, why didn’t you just not respond to messages? I’m not disputing that your job is understaffed but also it IS a choice to answer your cell phone or respond to an email on vacation. In some jobs (Big Law) it may be a choice that results in your termination, but it is still a choice within your control. In government, I can’t imagine you being terminated if you notified people in advance you might not have cell service.

             1. +1

          5. In this case, I think you are 100% correct to start looking. If you truly cannot take time off then your organization is massively understaffed. You know this isn’t sustainable and you (and your mental and physical health!) deserve a place that values it’s workers enough to have appropriate measures in place to allow everyone time and space to disconnect.
             I’d start reaching out to my network IMMEDIATELY and dedicate as much time and energy as you can to polishing your resume/writing a killer cover letter/practicing interviewing. Good luck!

          6. Duh, you should leave.

          7. Don’t take advice from Gen Zers who have never had responsibility. This is just what life is like at a certain level. It’s not fair and maybe the answer is leave but also maybe it’ll be the same at the next place. Unfortunately this is becoming increasingly common.

             1. I completely agree. Theses answers are of the Faux news “it’s just that simple” variety about a situation that it’s simple. It’s kind of like all the parenting experts who’ve never had children.

             2. No, we don’t give advice because we don’t have responsibility. We give advice because people often complain about this issue but then describe very poor boundary-setting, which is fixable with firm implementation.

             3. I’m one of the people who said you need to set boundaries and I’m 42 so I don’t think this is just a Gen Z thing… I actually think more young people have the “the world will fall apart if I don’t check email” mentality. Older people know there are very few professions where you can’t check out for a week.

             4. Gen X here in an upper level capacity. She needs to set expectations and then stand by them. “spotty coverage”, then don’t check in. It’s my job to staff my team/company sufficiently, or alternatively, set expectations appropriately with our executive team, so that people can take the vacation time that’s part of their compensation. It’s not my staff’s job.
                T

             5. Some of it is cultural. I recently left a job wherein the expectation was that people would work on weekends and holidays, with the result that there was NOT an expectation to get your (expletive) done during normal working hours. I had long stretches of doing a lot of nothing, followed by a completely crazy day off, because people just could not manage their workflow.

                My current company is a ghost town after 5 pm, which means that there’s also an expectation that during the day, I will hand things off that need handing off, and be available to answer questions that need answering. It is glorious. I work when I’m here, then go home and completely forget about work until 8 am the next morning.

             6. lol.

    2. Does anyone think that working on vacation is a self imposed thing? Like we’re all just workaholics who don’t want to it the phone down? Isn’t it much more likely that we only do that because we absolutely have to, ie, no one is covering for us (at all, or competently) when we’re away?

       Personally I think it’s much less stressful to plan to check email once or twice a day rather than risk getting surprised by an emergency. I always have my laptop with me “just in case” because it’s so much faster to log on if, say, I have to look at a document quickly rather than struggle to read it and give comments over the phone.

       1. I think if you are a shift worker, there is pressure to take another shift. Especially now. If you’re not a shift worker, then you are on call, especially now. I am an on-call person. In some ways, it’s easier than working a full shift. But it’s also not like you are ever fully off. The grass is greener (but isn’t really).

       2. +1

       3. For my next trip, I really do think it will be less stressful just to say ‘I’m checking in once a day.’

          1. Why not “I’m not checking in at all, you can’t reach me.” And then don’t be reachable. You’re a government employee you can do this.

             1. Yeah. OP do you realize how hard it is for the government to fire people? There are so many lazy, incompetent people who work for the government (I can say this because I work for the govt, ha). Many hard-working people burn themselves out doing way more than their share but you really don’t have to do. If you don’t do it, the task just won’t get done. It’s not like it’s brain surgery and someone is going to die because you didn’t work on vacation. I take multiple vacations every year and just tell people I won’t have cell service and not to expect a response. Then I don’t check email. It’s really not that hard.

             2. +1,000,000 if you died or were incapacitated somehow the government would not collapse. Someone would figure it out because they had to. You aren’t making anyone have to figure it out because you are still doing the work.

             3. Ding ding ding!!! This is exactly it: “You aren’t making anyone have to figure it out because you are still doing the work.”

       4. Yes. Lots of us think it’s self imposed. And for many jobs it is.

       5. I always found it far less stressful to check email once a day, respond to things, provide guidance, move them along, than to do nothing and come back to hundreds of unread emails causing me stress as I’m not quite sure if the crisis was handled or if I still have to do with it. Besides, who are we kidding – we all play on the internet, what’s the difference if I sit in my hotel room for 15 minutes before bedtime scrolling this place, Reddit, Insta, etc. or scrolling my work emails?

          1. Because she’s actually doing work. If you don’t have the discipline to check email but not do substantive projects, it might be easier to avoid email completely. It sounds like what you do is working for you, so no need to change. I’m similar. I like monitoring and deleting so I don’t have a big backlog when I get home. But I also don’t complain on the internet about how it’s impossible for me to take a vacation where I don’t work.

    3. Yeah, I remember that post and those people were FOS. I just love when people with an entirely different experience try to tell you what yours is and then also what you are doing wrong. I know this will be hard for them to hear, since they know everything about everything and by age 30 only give the most valuable advice ever worth millions, but people in Biglaw are actually in a great position to tune out, because there is never only one person doing anything. It is purely cultural that you aren’t allowed to stop.working ever. Many of the rest of us actually don’t have backup in our jobs.
       — former AmLaw 100 lawyer

       1. I’m gonna need a margarita to go with all that salt.

          1. Srsly. In my org (2000+ lawyers), people are so hyper-specialized that there is often no redundancy on any sort of final signoff level. And no client wants to deal with associates, who they see as expensive and useless. So the higher up you are, the less you can step out. Absent a coma. You can go dark during a coma.

             1. Yes, but there will be repercussions.

       2. Okay, but the OP is in government not BigLaw. We all acknowledge that BigLaw is its own animal. That is not the situation here.

          1. I think she’s actually saying it’s easier to go off the grid in Big Law, which is absurd. It’s by far the most demanding job I ever had and respects vacation time the least.

             1. No. I am saying culturally you can’t go off the grid in Biglaw, but practically you really could. So a bunch of Biglaw lawyers telling the OP to buck the system is absurd. They can buck the system and play chicken with their job, but nothing bad actually happens as to the work. In other workplaces, like the OP’s, the work actually suffers and it is more than just culture at play.

       3. What does FOS mean in this context? I literally just looked through a list of 103 acronyms for FOS and can’t figure it out.

          1. I assume it means “full of —-“

    4. Can we stop with the “if you died/got hit by a bus” they would figure it out? Yes they would. And they could go to clients/opposing counsel/the court and say “X Person died” and those people would understand. No judge is going to give you push back when the handling attorney DIED (or is in the hospital). It is a lot harder to go to those people and say X Person is on vacation so we will get back to you next week.

       I am a non-Big Law attorney (which means we do not have the level of redundancy that BL tends to have). I am the senior person on a lot of my cases and the contact person for the clients. That means they are my responsibility. And that means that yes – I check my email every day and I personally handle what cannot be put off or farmed out, even when I am on vacation. If my clients call, I answer the phone. That is not self-imposed. It is a matter of my professional obligations to my clients and of not wanting to lose said clients when they have an emergency (or explain to a judge why we did not respond to an ex parte motion). I have gotten to be pretty good at limiting it to what I actually need to handle personally but that does not mean I am not checking in every day.

       What do we call mansplaining when it is a bunch of women doing it? Because all of the people insisting this is OP’s issue are being massively disrespectful of her experience.

12. I caught up with some law school friends recently and they are all in-house now (mainly litigators initially). I know the thinking is that it is what you do to decompress from hazing in BigLaw, but I personally feel that it would be terrifying: one client, often very high stakes, and then what if there is some internal problem? I feel like they are in positions where they are in leadership roles, but I almost feel like it would be too much on my shoulders. And yet . . . people vote for jobs with their feet and this is what they are chosing. Has anyone found in-house more stressful (but in a different way) than firm practice?

    1. I know several people from my prior in-house position that left to go back to private practice. They found the stress and working hours to be just as bad, if not worse, but without the corresponding pay of big-law.

    2. I moved from a non-equity partnership in Biglaw to a very senior in-house position (divisional GC) and it’s less stressful from an hours perspective but far more stressful from a leadership and decision-making perspective. Fortunately, that’s a type of pressure that I handle better than I handled the “all you do is work” type of stress, but yeah – it isn’t always a more low-key experience.

       1. I am not in law, but I’ve learned that even when ‘everybody does it’ or ‘this is a popular choice’, when your gut tells you ‘this doesn’t sound appealing to me at all’, you should explore that gut feeling and giving in to FOMO is the wrong call a lot of the time.

       2. This is wise advice. There are different types of stress and people differ in what types of stress they handle well. The important thing is to find a job wherein you are adept at handling the stresses associated with the role.

    3. Yep, in-house departments can be very political – both internally and in relationship to the board/executives, who can have their own turmoil. And the $ amounts and stakes can be very high. I think Big Law is just stressful in different ways – more hours, demanding clients (we have a little more freedom to push back), etc.

    4. Personally, going in house sounds undesirable to me. I like have multiple clients. So here I am at small firm.

    5. Was a Big 4 partner for 15 years before moving to Industry. I would never go back to a firm. I didn’t realize how much I hated selling, a matrix staff system and the focus on short term profitability.

       I love making sustainable changes at an organization that is doing something to make people’s lives better and being part of the senior leadership team. I do miss working with super bright and committed colleagues.

       There are office politics everywhere.

       So — take some time to think about what you really love and what you loathe about what you do before making a change.

    6. I am in house in corporate and securities/employment. I have lots of clients–the board, CLO, DGC, Head of People, etc. I work more than I did in biglaw, and unlike biglaw, it’s hard to get away from any one very difficult client. I am considering going back to biglaw. Pay in tech is good, but pay in biglaw is better (but no options).

13. I am incredibly burned out and I am realizing that it’s because I have so much work that I cannot delegate that I am effectively leaving turns of comments/questions/etc. from junior associates lingering in my inbox until I have to deal with them–which often results in me doing the rest of the work b/c I feel terrible dropping a bomb on their desk when I’ve had it for two. It’s also a bummer b/c I don’t have time to give feedback live.

    I am mortified about this b/c the partners who supervise me are actually really good at this and that’s how I’ve gotten good at my job! Lots of hands-on mentoring and teaching.

    I’d love to know tips and tricks on how to manage this. I feel so discouraged that I neglect this stuff and then feel so overwhelmed/don’t get sleep b/c I gotta churn stuff out, etc. It’s a cycle and I’m so ready to break it!

    1. Right there with you. Doing remote feedback either takes forever to schedule or if you type out comments, that also takes forever and somehow doesn’t seem as good or robust as a live back-and-forth.

       1. This is so silly. Get on the phone and give the feedback. It isn’t hard.

          1. Yeah, I’ve gotten pushback on anything spontaneous b/c people are often out, not at home, can’t take a call, etc. Trying to figure how to capture that in a review other than “Pat had dodged calls worse than if I were calling re an extended car warranty; recommend counseling out” because 1.5 years of this has gotten OLD.

             An e-mail saying “call me” does not result in the phone ringing.

       2. This, but many here will jump in that we are all just as effective WFH and it’s just old-fashioned and out-of-touch to expect anything but full WFH forever. My supervisory/mentoring role is so much harder now and so much more time-consuming.

          1. OMG thank you for saying this. I thought it was just me! Somehow, scheduling a 15 minute call takes a constant stream of interrupting e-mails, then something is wrong (it’s not just a call, but you need to at least also be able to pull up the document we are talking about, and you need to be somewhere private please, not where I am hearing other people), OMG. I could spend half my day just chasing after people to give feedback to. And writing it out — such a last resort, so much more work, and then radio silence and no follow up (do you understand all of that? yes? no?) without more chasing.

          2. Is there a workaround? I had to have standing calls blocked out every day, but maybe that is it?

          3. The best mentoring and feedback I’ve received in my career has been in real time. I don’t think people truly understand how WFH will impact the development of early career employees. But yes, cue the folks saying we just are bad managers for not thinking it’s the exact same.

          4. I agree with this. I also liberally use IM – hey, have 5 minutes to talk? Hey – let’s connect in X, I’m free to Y. I don’t get why it’s so hard to reach people, my team is super responsive this way.

    2. Give the juniors earlier deadlines and/or block out time on your calendar to review a draft when it comes in. I generally ask for something COB one day and then block out time the following morning to review it. Although the whole thing falls apart when they ask for an extension. Like no I blocked out 2 hours to review this on Tuesday and I’m in court all day for the rest of the week, if I give you an extra day then I won’t have time to turn a draft. I’m still trying to figure out a way around that one, especially since my schedule changes so much from the time I give the assignment to the time I get it back.

       1. I get that, but I am constantly pulled in by actual outside clients on calls, so my schedule yields to theirs. I don’t have time to chase people and am wondering how often people are silently firing nonresponsive juniors and finding it just easier to do something in 15 minutes vs taking 15 minutes to schedule a call and then have the call and hope you get work product back and then review it and then try to do feedback for it, etc., etc. Pandemic working is exhausting.

          1. From another biglaw sr associate. If it is feedback or rewrites that can be addressed over the phone, just pick up the phone. No need to schedule calls. This is the same as when you were in the office and would just stop into someone’s office to discuss. Also, honestly, just drop the work on them. It’s part of the deal and its partially on them for not managing up to get feedback from you earlier.

          2. “If you are not available regularly when I call, I will not be able to provide you with additional work as I cannot preschedule every call. You are expected to be at your phone and available during work hours.”

    3. I like to quickly review junior associate drafts the same day I receive them, but at night so I’m not interrupted. That way I know how much work needs to be done. If there is very little work, then I can not look at it again until necessary. If it needs more work, I draft an email with directions and schedule the email to arrive at the associate’s inbox at 8am.

    4. does your office not use outlook or another scheduling system? send an invite for a call and include instructions to be by the computer and have the document up

       1. You live in a world where people read things. I swear most do not.

    5. Do the managing first. Then do the work product you need to produce personally.

14. We are going to start trying for a baby soon and I’m kind of scared of the idea of being pregnant for 9 whole months! It seems such a long time though I know it’s the same for everyone that does. (What if I feel ill the whole time?) I also worry about how it will change my relationship with my best friend. She is childless by choice and we do a monthly dinner and cocktail night together, and have done for 12 years apart from Covid (when we switched to virtual). She’s had a few friendships grow apart once they have children and I worry that that pregnancy will be harder on our friendship than when the baby is here as it will be the first thing that changes. Yes we do things without drinking, but our monthly night has always been ‘our’ night and I suspect she will see the change as a sign of things to come. I know she’s had people cancel last minute often or stop meeting up when they get busy with a family and I think she has some resentment because of that.

    1. i was scared about that too. especially since my mom had really bad pregnancies. DH and I went on a safari for our honeymoon and when i learned how long an elephant is pregnant i was grateful to only be pregnant for 9 months…lol. kidding aside, being pregnant can be a challenge, but whenever i struggled during pregnancy, i’d tell myself that the end result must be worth it or no one would ever do it again. your friendship will likely change, but how it changes depends on you. maybe you don’t have your monthly dinner night when you have a one month old, but if you have a supportive partner who can be home to watch the baby, there is no reason you can’t still meet your friend for dinner once a month once you get a bit settled in your new role as a mom. yes, you might need to cancel at the last minute if the baby is sick, etc. but a good friend will hopefully understand that. you might also decide (and there is nothing wrong if you do) that you no longer want to have the monthly dinners. in that case your friend might feel sad/resentful, but there are only 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, and you might want that additional time with your baby. that being said, if maintaining the friendship is important to you, maybe these dinners are something you prioritize. there is no one right or wrong way to have a baby, be a mom and maintain a friendship

    2. Why does it matter that the friend is childless by choice? I mean, single friends (often wondering where in this mix the will ultimately fall) get short-changed by people all the time and the world is OK with it. Sometimes, it’s b/c Stuff Happens. Sometimes, people aren’t interested in single friends when they couple up (never mind when the babies start coming). I mean, would you worry about taking care of an aging parent if you have a childless-by-choice friend? If you want to have a baby, have a baby. If you are having it with a partner, then what do you/partner want? If you want to keep the friend, keep the friend. It’s not that hard.

    3. My MOH has lost a lot of friends when they get married and are suddenly “too busy” to so much as call her once a month or return the occasional text. This is real and it’s really sad.

       This is the kind of thing wherein the only thing that reassures her is the passage of time when you’re still her friend. Sure, you spend 9 months drinking non-alcoholic cocktails and then the baby joins the Zoom calls, but you’re still THERE for her. It’s good for both of you to keep up the friendship.

    4. Speaking from the experience of the childless by choice friend . . . just keep having your regular hangouts. It’s not a big deal that you aren’t drinking while you are pregnant, I promise. What I have and will continue to care about is that my friend keeps being my friend. What was particularly challenging for me was the friend who BEGGED me not to treat her any differently and promised me that she would continue to be the same frirend she always was and also would invite me to stuff with the kid (which I LOVE and also very much want to be invited to) who then fell off the face of the earth (understandably) and then got all new mom friends and left me out of most stuff (I have been invited to two kid things in four years). It SUCKS. I know she is in a different stage of her life than I am, but I love doing things with her AND her kid. I get all the SADs when I see the mom friends being invited to stuff but not me. I miss her and it probably wouldn’t sting quite as badly if she hadn’t unrealistically basically promised nothing would change (of course it would and did).

    5. Keep having monthly dinners and drink a mock tail.

    6. Yes, friendships are going to change. I don’t think it’s possible or realistic to expect that a major life change like this will mean nothing else changes.

       1. That is true without a baby. You may move to be closer to a new job. Or work remotely for the summer. Or friend does. Or friend cares for an aging parent. Or gets a SO who likes to hike/travel/etc. So much change just happens, so don’t worry about the change you create — a good friendship can adapt to change.

    7. Keep the monthly hangouts! When baby is a newborn they will be different because you will be a sleep deprived mess, but keep seeing her. If you guys did homecooked meals and cocktails before, it may be takeout and sparkling water for you. The connection is the important part.

       I think one of the most important things you can do for yourself is getting comfortable with someone else (partner, grandparent, neighbor, hired babysitter) watching the baby without you, even if it is just for an hour in the early days. It is hard in the beginning, but doable.

    8. I was really worried about feeling bad the whole time too. Luckily, I’m about halfway through and all is good. You just never know, and it goes by really fast. Good luck!

    9. I’m 8 months pregnant and feel fantastic. i never had any nausea, aversions, heartburn, nothing, and I have boundless energy. Not everyone is miserable during pregnancy! My social life hasn’t changed yet though obviously it will next month. You can of course keep your monthly dinner and drinks with her; you’ll just switch to non alcoholic.

    10. Childless & single (until very recently) by choice here. I was very willing to see my interactions with friends change when they got married and had babies. What broke our relationships was when they refused to hang out with me unless it was a double date (and if I didn’t have one they’d force one on me, like their new BIL, and gush about adding me to the family the first time we met), or insisted without asking that I would not want to hang out because children. I admit I don’t want to be “Aunt” to anyone’s children, but I am very happy eating dinner or going to the zoo with them. I am also totally comfortable in groups of three. Include your friend in your evolving life. I’ll bet she sticks around.

    11. 7 months preggo with #2 here. Pregnancy is long, and parts of it can be really hard for an extended period of time. It’s been helpful to lean in to the interesting / weird parts of it (how crazy that there is another creature living inside of you!). It also is always changing, so you can break down the time by being excited about different things (e.g. yay getting through 1st trimester! yay feeling baby kick!).

        My best friend is also childfree by choice. I think we both value our relationship outside of external circumstances and have prioritized finding time for ourselves. We probably have dinner together with our spouses and my kiddo ~1x a week and go for a walk/lunch with just the two of us 1x a month (she’s in our small covid-pod). I do think she laments that I’m not her go-to adventure buddy anymore, but we both respect each-others choices.

        1. One other thought re:pregnancy – it also always helps to count your blessings. We had trouble conceiving #2, and so whenever I feel bored/sick of the challenges of pregnancy, I just try to be grateful that we were able to conceive a second kiddo.

15. Ugh, I stupidly booked a trip to Hawaii in September instead of over the summer, thinking it would be calmer/quieter with kids back in school. I already know the right answer is to cancel and I also know that this is textbook first world problems. I’m just disappointed. I work in healthcare and this was going to be my first major getaway since COIVD hit. I’m sad.

    1. I’m really sorry. I regret not doing more this summer too. I was worried about unvaxxed kids but in hindsight it was pretty safe in May/June and we should have done more (plus my kids are going to get Delta this fall at school anyway).

    2. SAME! I always vacation in the fall because I don’t have kids and it tends to work with my job. Now I feel SOL. I’m single, so no one feels comfortable traveling with me and going anywhere feels ethically dubious. My boss just returned from vacation and was asking me where I’m going and it felt very frustrating, because there’s no good answer. Like great, I can take time off and be lonely at home or find a cabin and feel lonely there too. Just so over all of this.

    3. That really, really sucks. I’m sorry you don’t get the relaxing vacation. It is the right call to cancel but that doesn’t mean that it really effing sucks.

    4. So sorry :(

    5. That really blows, I’m sorry. You’re doing the right thing but that doesn’t make it suck any less. A co-worker is in a similar boat and canceled.

    6. I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this but I would still take the trip if it were me. If the governor wants tourists not to come then he should shut down the state so people can get their money back. It doesn’t make sense to shift the cost of cancelation to the individuals youre depending on to spend money in your state. Let the businesses file their insurance claims and the tourists will come back in a few months to spend all that cash.

       1. Same. I’d get tested and go

       2. +1 I agree. I’m also skeptical that vaccinated, tested tourists are the source of the surge. I think the governor should ban the unvaccinated and re-implement the testing for everyone over a certain age regardless of vax status so responsible people can enjoy Hawaii.

       3. We’re supposed to go to the Big Island in mid-October and when I called American Airlines about moving our plane tickets to sometime next spring, the agent said “you can certainly do what you feel you’re most comfortable with, but you may want to wait and see what develops in the next few weeks.” When I asked “do you mean, case counts getting better, or Hawaii shutting down travel, so we wouldn’t get charged change fees?” she was noncommittal. I am going to wait to change our flights until September 30, which is 2 1/2 weeks before our trip is supposed to happen (we won’t go in October regardless). My gut says they will re-institute travel restrictions which will pave the way to us being able to change our flights without penalty. We are/were going to stay in a friend’s vacation home so don’t have to worry about losing money other than on flights or flight changes.

          1. Are airline change fees no longer waived? I thought they had permanently waived them.

             1. They are waived but you don’t get your actual cash money back unless the *airline* changed the flight. Otherwise you just get credit towards rebooking.

             2. Right but she said she wants to wait to see if she can change her flights without penalty and my point is she can do that now. Even in the pre-Covid days when you had to pay $200 change fees, you didn’t get cash money back. You only get money back if you book a refundable ticket or have travel insurance.

       4. I didn’t think a state could shut themselves down from in-country tourists.

          1. Hawaii did, earlier in the pandemic.

       5. Yeah I would still go… if you’re planning to behave responsibly on vacation, you are not the problem.

          States can’t shut their borders but they *can* for example ban short-term rentals as Florida did in spring 2020 when they were all judgy about NY residents coming down…. oh hindsight.

          1. I am pretty certain they did that to improve the booking percentages at hotels, which were of great interest to a then very powerful man.

       6. I agree. Unless Hawaii reinstated quarantine, I would get tested, act responsibly while you’re there, but still go.

       7. I’d still go too.

    7. My cabin trip to south lake tahoe that was supposed to start this weekend is also cancelled (Caldor fire). Like you, I wish I had gone in May!

       1. I hear you. seriously, PSA: May is officially the best time to vacation in California. Wildfires all summer long are here to stay.

    8. That really sucks. My new plan is to not make any trip plans in the future, but go somewhere when cases happen to be low.

    9. I just got back from Maui yesterday. It’s fine. Go. There will always be a reason not to.

16. I realized the problems with my job are systemic and have started sending out resumes, but it’s like a switch got flipped in my brain and I cannot bring myself to GAF about anything I am doing anymore. I need to get my act together! I’ve lost all grace and patience for the usual BS that drove me to job search, and I’m constantly mentally calculating how long I can put off unpleasant taks in case I get the opportunity to bail. AUGH.

    1. That phase is so painful – like you broke up but you’re still living together!

17. Watching the news… When do you think people will start permanently leaving repeat natural disaster areas like Louisiana and California?

    1. When their insurance gets so high that they cannot afford to stay there.

       1. I disagree. I imagine almost middle and lower income people already can’t afford insurance and can’t afford to move.

          1. Same — Bangladesh exists. I’m sure people would love to live where there are no natural disasters, but when your family and your life is in one place and you have little $, it is very, very hard to leave solo or piecemeal, and you probably can’t afford to. Someone has to buy your house absent the government relocating whole states.

          2. Yea, not everyone can just pick up and move somewhere when things get undesirable wherever they are living. Sigh.

          3. Ok, yes, that’s a segment of the population. But plenty of middle and UMC and wealthy people live in these places that just keep.getting.walloped. It’s hard to have to sympathy for people who choose – poverty and an inability to move/evacuate excepted – to live in these places where history says you’re going to lose your home.

             1. Like people with $ in LA will mostly likely have hurricane-rated houses, houses on higher ground, etc. Poorer people in trailers at least have them tied down better when they can (maybe not always), but not everything is up to current code if it is old (and LA can have some old things that shows you aren’t always in jeopardy, just sometimes you have very bad luck).

                And IMO CA is so expensive that people just go where they can. Malibu burning last year feels different.

             2. I don’t understand why it’s hard to have empathy for that. Also at a certain point every place is affected by climate change and we can’t just keep moving to escape it.
                Signed,
                Seattleite who is not used to wildfire smoke because it only started getting bad here in the last few years.

    2. Based on my friends in CA, never. They’ve just accepted it’s a price of admission to living there.

    3. By California, do you mean people in cities who are affected by smoke or people in more rural areas/wildland urban interface whose houses burn?

       I don’t see mass departure from cities because 1) you can buy air purifiers and air quality sensors and respirators to take care of the smoke and 2) where would you go? Climate change is affecting most places, and at least by staying we can be with the culture and people and jobs that we treasure. Even with climate change, the weather is way better here than most places.

       1. Cosign this. Where am I going to go? New Orleans? Sturgis?

          1. Exactly.

          2. Same. And cracking up at this because I used to live in New Orleans and now CA, and both are the most amazing places I’ve ever lived. It’s the price of admission.

       2. In Utah, and the CA wildfire smoke significantly impacts us all the way out here.

       3. In Nashville. Tornado last March, flash floods this March, and then Waverly last week. You can’t outrun it forever.

    4. I was listening to a podcast about wildfires recently (I think it was How to Save A Planet, which someone recommended here) and they talked about how many insurance policies require that you rebuild on the same site after a fire in order to receive the full payout. Changing that now seems like such an easy way to encourage people to move to less disaster prone areas.

       1. Yes, this. Incentivize the behavior we want.
          And stop subsidizing living in these areas with government flood insurance and aftermath spending by FEMA and the like. Put some of those funds to helping people leave these areas instead so we need FEMA less.

          Finally, get serious about climate change. . .

          1. Before government can get out of the responsibility in the case of natural disasters, government needs to make a serious effort disincentivizing new developments in zones of high-fire danger/flooding danger etc. And get out of the way on undergrounding utilities.

    5. I have friends who live in California and they are leaving now, in part because of climate change. They figured this time period is the most they could get for their house before the worsening climate issues lowers property values. They are moving to a LCOL area in another country altogether.

    6. People in California have to live in places that are at high risk for wildfires because there is nowhere else they can afford. I see a lot of criticism of their choices, but people don’t get that there are basically NO affordable places to live at all. Where are they supposed to move – Arizona, where the water crisis is getting increasingly dire? Montana, where fires are just as bad? The East Coast, which is very culturally different and has its own problems? It’s not as simple as “people should just move.”

    7. Where in the US is *not* prone to some type of natural disaster, whether it’s hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, wildfires, blizzards, flooding, landslides, etc.? We just happen to be viewing hurricanes and wildfires right now.

       1. Wildfires and hurricanes are getting significantly worse because of climate change. At least earthquakes aren’t exacerbated by climate change! (As far as I know . . .)

          1. They’re exacerbated be fracking though.

          2. I thought earthquakes were made worse by oil extraction though.

             1. seems to affect or cause small earthquakes in areas that historically haven’t had an issue, but it’s not really related to “the big one” as far as they can tell

             2. Yes, in places like Oklahoma with fracking.

       2. I think the non-coastal southeast doesn’t have anything bad. My BIL takes natural disasters very seriously and he chose to live in Atlanta. One of his main reasons was it doesn’t have blizzards, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes or wildfires.

          Also I feel like CA is worse off than most places. I live in the Midwest and we’ve had one tornado warning in the last six years. Yeah, you have to buy a house that has a basement, but tornadoes don’t impact our daily life like wildfire smoke does. Especially with the pandemic, not being able to spend time outside on a regular basis is really awful and would likely prompt me to move. Every parent I know has gotten their kids outside daily during the pandemic and I just can’t imagine not having that.

       3. Yeah, I always want to ask people that when my sincere, sweet aunt starts wringing her hands and worrying about me living in terrible, horrible California. She lives in suburban MD. They get hurricanes, the odd tornado, pretty crappy weather (I grew up in a different burb), and not infrequent snow/ice storms. And they have pretty high housing prices and much lower salaries!

       4. All natural disasters are not created equal. Blizzards aren’t necessarily that bad, especially if you bury power lines: you know they are coming, you stock up on food, and you hang out at home for a day or two while the roads get cleaned up. You know hurricanes are coming, but they can literally level a city. Tornadoes are completely unpredictable until they are almost on top of you. Earthquakes hit without warning and your ‘prevention’ strategy is civil engineering.

          These things have always existed; frequency and severity may change with time, but they will not be eradicated. Pick that which bothers you the least and move there.

    8. California is a big place with a big economy, and in my family, both of us would have to take the bar again to work in our field in another state. Have we thought about it? Sure. Is most of our extended family here? Yes. Is moving really feasible right now? No.

       I *do* think CA needs to do some pretty massive upzoning because we have a housing crisis. More and more and more subdivisions farther and farther away aren’t the answer.

    9. California is a big state. You read sensational headlines and feel like the whole state is on fire when it isn’t. It hasn’t been an urban issue for the most part, yet, and most Californians live in urban areas. That’s why. I’ve considered moving, but there aren’t any really good choices. I know Midwesterners will pipe in here, but my cousins in the Midwest were wiped out by flooding (I have fatigue trauma and honestly can’t remember if it was this year or last). They deal with tornadoes too, and the polar vortex events. My sister in Texas had to deal with the whole power outage situation in February (which is far from fixed) and she now just assumes her kids will catch COVID at school. There are no risk-free places.

       1. The Midwest has flooding, droughts and tornadoes, and the predicted impact of water levels rising on Chicago is really bad.

       2. I feel like for most of the US, you can pick two of the following: (1) nice weather, (2) low cost of living, (3) lots of available jobs. One thing that people forget about the cost of living in CA is Prop 13 – there are plenty of people who may live in a house that would sell for $1million +, but their parents (or grandparents) bought it sixty years ago and their property taxes are basically nothing.

       3. The above poster at 1:54 is correct. California is huge. Although we have some serious fires happening here right now, and they’re tragic and getting a lot of national news coverage, the actual fires cover a relatively small proportion of the whole state. I’m a California native, and it has only been the past few years that the wildfires have been so extreme. I’m not giving up on my large, diverse and beautiful state. I love California and can’t imagine living anywhere else.

    10. Read the articles on where to move to to avoid climate change and they are laughable. 2019 articles suggested Oregon and Washington, which have been swamped with smoke and fires, and a region in the Northeast that just had a Hurricane warning. The Midwest, West and Southwest all have droughts, and tornadoes are picking up everywhere.

    11. I left California as soon as I graduated from college more than two decades ago because I could not stand the heat, the droughts, the smog, the expense, and the traffic. I thought all my friends who stayed were suckers.

        1. Cool story.

18. I’m pretty sure I have TMJ but am wanting anecdotal experiences/input here. My jaw clicks/pops on my right side when I open or close it and all of my facial muscles just feel SO tense all the time. As far as I know, I don’t grind my teeth but I do think that I clench my jaw a decent amount. I have a dentist appointment in a couple weeks and will see what they think.

    Anyone with actual TMJ—does this sound like it? Any other ideas on how to minimize the tension in my jaw/face? I feel like I am constantly massaging my own face to get the tension out.

    1. Yes that sounds like TMJ. A mouth guard at night will help, but don’t go out and get one on your own, the squishy kind that you used for sports will only make the problem worse because it encourages chewing/clenching. A low level anxiety med taken at night helped me a little bit. Maybe good sleep hygiene, like melatonin and meditation before bed, will help enough to get you to your appointment.

    2. Sounds like TMJ. I suspect your dentist will find evidence of grinding and that a night guard will help a lot.

       Call your dentist and ask to be on the cancellation list. No need to live with this for another couple of weeks.

    3. yep. other things that have helped mine over the past couple of decades:
       – regular yoga
       – regular chiro visits (say what you want about them, but they help. and the upper back/neck/shoulder tension REALLY impacted my jaw tightness.)
       – jade roller on my face/around my ears and jaw – a nice practice and also a good thing to do in front of the tv (don’t press hard!) really as a practice of being present with my jaw and learning to relax it during waking hours.
       – my night guard helps but for me is not a silver bullet; other stress mitigation practices have helped more,.
       oh also, don’t chew gum, don’t eat chewy bagels, etc etc.

    4. Botox in your jaw works well, I’ve done it for years.

19. I read that Elizabeth Holmes is going to use some sort of bad retread of Battered Woman Syndrome as her defense at her fraud trial (her ex-BF, who is also on trial and denies it and their trials are severed; hers will go first and he is concerned re prejudice). I am going to just guess that when this is the first I’ve heard of it, she is probably saying anything to not go to prison (it is a fraud trial — her veracity is already at issue; I get battered woman syndrome, but honestly am giving it side-eye here).

    1. She’s also trying to use some sort of mental incapacity defense, although those filings are not public yet so it’s unknown exactly what mental incapacity she’s claiming. The argument is that due to her own mental disorder, she actually believed her fraudulent claims about the product’s viability, and therefore did not have intent to commit fraud. I don’t buy that one either.

       1. I did not know that lack of humanity was a defense to fraud, but I did not pay a lot of attention in Crim Law.

          1. I call it the Trump defense.

    2. Serious, not rhetorical question: what other options does she have? I imagine that discovery showed that everyone knew what was coming out of their R&D (to the extent they really did any R&D) and its limitations.

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