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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Happy Monday, everyone! Hope you're having a good day so far. I'm picking this super-bright, happy, yellow Michael Kors wool jacket today because yellow and wool are put together far too rarely. If someone came into the office wearing this, wouldn't you pick up a little bit of happiness just by looking at it? (I think the dress and the jacket together are a little much, but that's me.)
If you're a little stumped on how to wear yellow, it looks amazing with gray, and you can also throw in some navy or cobalt accents, or wear it with orange and red to sort of go in the “sunset” colors direction. There are a lot of great options — and I think this wool jacket is really lovely.
It's $1,595 at Neiman Marcus in sizes 2–14. Spread-Collar Button-Front Stretch-Boucle Wool Jacket
Here are two lower-priced options: one at Talbots that comes in four size ranges and one at Eloquii in plus sizes.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Unconventional networking
Hello hive,
I wrote before new year sharing that I was laid off from management consulting after 2 years. I still have about a month left in my contract but am not required to do any client work. I am based in Western Europe and decided to move to London.
Now begins the struggle o finding another job. My mentor is adamant I should consider private banking and some other “niche” industries like auction houses, and luxury retail.
I do not expect to get a job from advertised vacancies and being non-European, I know I’m in for a fight to get sponsored etc.
what are your best tips to network when you are targeting niche industries assuming it will all be done in a new location and that you are starting from scratch.
I have been very frugal in my 9 years in the workforce so I have paid off all debt and I have saved enough to live 2 years. So financially, I am patting myself on the back. Now that survival is not an issue, how do I go about networking? I’m willing to go to any events, theater, cooking class? etc. to meet the right people, just not sure where to begin. I need a plan.
P.S. not a troll. Been here for years, just not using my normal alias. Once I move and feel more comfortable, I’ll go back to using my moniker
Anonymous
I guess my thought is why London, if you don’t have a network or legal authorization to work there? Ideally you’ll be finding a new job through connections you’ve made as a consultant- does your mentor know people in these industries? Do you? Do you know anyone in London? Do you know anyone in your consulting firm who knows anyone in London? Can you talk to people in Your London office in this last month? Why aren’t you looking at advertised vacancies? What are your skills? Do you have a headhunter?
Events, theatre, cooking classes are how you find friends, not how you find a job.
Triangle Pose
Agreed. Think about your answers to the questions raised here. It may be that you have good reasons to pick London, but it might work against you from a career perspective.
“Events, theatre, cooking classes are how you find friends, not how you find a job.” Mainly true. I would focus on joining orgs/attending events specific to your industry.
Unconventional networking
Fair remark; for the sake of brevity I did not specify that I am moving to London for family reasons, I am doing the classic job search approach and this post is just to help me think outside the box.
I am moving to London because that is where my sister lives and I can stay at her apartment while I search for a job vs being in current country alone and depressed.
I do not have a network in my current country of residence and realized it is difficult to connect with people here so I decided to start fresh elsewhere.
Given my ethnic background, I am more likely to be discarded at selection stage in places like Paris. I build a small network in Germany, but realized I would not fit there. An english-speaking country is perfect.
I have discussed with partners in my office who work mainly on London projects but they have clients in industries I am not looking into as I am not qualified.
I am looking at advertised vacancies on glassdoor and LinkedIn and applying. I also submitted my profile to 16 executive search companies in the UK and hoping to hear back from one of them to start a relationship.
Since I have done my homework about the “traditional” ways of job searching, I wanted to know what are less conventional ways that people in this community have used.
AnonUK
Would strongly recommend talking with an immigration expert about your plans and timing regarding the same, as you’ve said you’re non-European. You should make sure you’re budgeting for (or making sure an employer will budget for) a stint back in your home country since you’ll likely need to leave the UK to apply for your work visa if/when you secure a job (my last application for a new work visa meant that I had to arrange accommodation back in the states for 2.5 clear weeks and that was with expedited processing and being an income-exemption applicant). You also might want to have a back-up plan for what you’ll do if you’re refused entry (which has also happened to some friends who were trying to come to the UK for a longer term visit but couldn’t prove to the border authority that they had adequate ties to leave after their visit was over).
EM84
No advice, but wish you good luck! With Brexit underway, many EU citizens are about to leave and there may be quite a few openings. I would check local trade conferences and to create an amazing Linkedin profile.
Unconventional networking
Thank you, I hope this works out
Anonymous
When switching industries, you need to do the work of helping hiring managers and potential bosses understand your value and where your skills fit; you can’t expect them to do it for you. In order to do that, you need to begin to gain an understanding of those landscapes and how you will translate. Think of it like a marketing exercise: build a profile of your target markets, test out various messaging strategies, discover what resonates, iterate until it starts to really make sense.
Do your market research and immerse yourself until you are fully conversant. You want to not only meet people via networking, but begin to have substantive conversations with them where they come away thinking, “Yes, she gets it.” That’s when opportunities will fall in your lap. You are a product, you need to hone your audience and messaging.
Unconventional networking
Thank you so much for this. I am by no means shy of putting in the work so I will start doing my homework on the respective industries.
Anonymous
No problem! Just remember that career switches are hard work and take time, no matter who you are, so try not to get discouraged! It takes lots of trial and error to refine your ‘pitch’ for yourself.
Anon
I had a similar transition (from economic consulting to industry). In short, it was hard, I searched for a year while employed (so of course didn’t spend as much time on it daily). The hardest part was probably getting corporate recruiters to understand what it is that I actually did (as most have only a hazy understanding of consulting) and why the skills would help me be good at the role. I had to clean my resume of a lot of jargon which is hard because I was proud of some projects I’d worked out and it felt like watering them down. And then maybe put back in search terms that were relevant to the new role. Get someone in corporate to give your resume a hard, critical look and to help you with this process. Corporate recruiters typically just look for someone who has done the exact job in a different comparable company so it takes a hiring manager with some vision (or one who has been in consulting themselves) who will not specify the experience narrowly.
MJ
Late reply, but I suggest you join the Junior League of London or start attending events with anyone you know asap. It was a very helpful networking group–many of the members are high-powered expats (or married to high powered expats). It’s split half-and-half. People really have a lot of connections and understand how hard it can be without a work permit. For immigration matters, I suggest you contact The London Link. They are the experts.
I also feel like just because you didn’t do well at your own mgmt consulting firm, you might not want to leave consulting entirely–there are other kinds of consulting that might translate–investment consulting (Cambridge Associates has a HUGE office in London) and high-end executive search (like Egon Zehnder). Good luck!
Mineallmine
Hi, I’m an American in London, and I’m curious what you think Brexit will do to your field here. Already financial services are fleeing to Frankfurt and Paris, real estate is dropping especially on the high end, etc. Have you considered Dublin instead? It is definitely trying to pick up the mantel from London as the English speaking center of the EU.
Anon
The bright color has stunned everyone into silence this morning ;)
Cb
I love it! I’m envious of people who can pull of yellow.
Anonymous
Ditto! I discovered, however, that I can pull off a similarly happy shade of grass-green.
Coach Laura
I can’t wear the yellow but can also wear the bright green. I like the 3/4 sleeves all the time except the really cold months – December January usually. I also like the spread collar for an alternate.
Torin
Me too! I love the color, but it does not love me, alas.
Unconventional networking
I’m in moderation…
tesyaa
I love it.
Anon
I’m on the fence about 1/2 and 3/4 sleeve jackets. On the one hand, they are nice in the summer but I feel silly and cold wearing them in the winter.
AIMS
I like 3/4 but find 1/2 sleeve doesn’t look that flattering on me. It’s like the jacket equivalent of Bermuda shorts. I love the bright color though & wish the Talbots pick was similarly punchy instead of preppy/pastel. Banana Republic has a very cool looking double-breasted yellow (almost lime) blazer. Haven’t tried it on but it caught my eye last time I looked there.
Anon
Just looked at their blazers and they have a lot of pretty classic ones at the moment for anyone looking for a basic blazer.
Elegant Giraffe
out of my budget, but I think it’s gorgeous!
Senior Attorney
I love it, too! It’s the price that usually stuns me into silence on Mondays! ;)
Legally Brunette
I look amazing in this color, if I do say so myself. :) Love it.
Anon
I love the yellow! Too bad it’s so expensive – I’ve been looking for a yellow work dress for a while.
Anon
This has puff sleeves and looks a little short on the model but it’s a similar color
https://www.anntaylor.com/puff-sleeve-shift-dress/443399
Anon
Thank you! Not exactly what I had in mind, but it’s pretty and it’s good to know that they are out there.
Legally Brunette
I bought one from Boden last year. It’s definitely more of a summer dress but I always get compliments on it. Boden and Talbots are good places for bright colors.
GG
I love Kat’s tip of wearing brights with gray. After reading her tip here many years ago I put together some outfits with bright blazers, light gray pants, and white shirts – or, for extra daring, a shirt in a third color. Those were some of my favorite outfits ever because they made me feel really put-together.
Anon
Yes, I wear a lot of bright orange and I like it best paired with grays. Black can be too harsh and with orange it’s too halloween-y.
anon
I love hot pink with gray and cobalt with gray!
C
Cobalt with gray and bright purple with gray are some of my absolute favorite outfits!
Side Effects
Talk to me about whether you’ve continued medications that brought unwanted side effects, particularly low s*x drives. Have you stopped taking meds when you discovered they had negative side effects? I started taking Singulair and an antihistamine allergy medication in the fall for asthma symptoms and over the past few months my l*bido levels have dropped to nothing. I have been on the same BC for 5 years and wondering if that could play a role as well (do people switch it up after so long? Has anyone found a BC that hasn’t lowered your drive?) Along with the sudden drop in s*x drive, I have had behavioral side effects such as extreme mood swings and irritability, which I originally attributed to work stress and winter but it’s all too coincidental that it started with a new medication. I have a doctor appt next week but feel trapped between better breathing/less sneezing and org*sms and good moods. Google made it sound pretty common so just wondering if anyone has experienced this and what you did about it.
Anonymous
S*xual side effects are really common with SSRI antidepressants, and influenced my decision to stop them. I still took SSRIs on and off for over 10 years of my life, and will again if I start getting really depressed – I don’t want to scare anyone off these medications, which can be life-saving. I tried adding Wellbutrin, switching meds, but nothing really helped. For me the problem was less low drive and more inability to O, which is just frustrating. I also tried taking a tricyclic [different class of antidepressant, developed before SSRIs] instead, and encountered a really bizarre, unusual side effect – extreme muscle fatigue and soreness. Like, my arms started aching like I was lifting weights from holding them up long enough to wash my hair. This was untenable so my doctor got me off it ASAP. Definitely talk to your doctor; you may have other options you aren’t aware of.
Baconpancakes
When I switched from oral BC (for 15 years) to an IUD, my drive went way up, to what I assume is normal for me since I had been on oral BC since before I was active. Can’t help on the other meds, though.
anon
I can’t speak to the s e x u a l side effects with Singulair, but mood swings are definitely a thing with that particular drug. When we were trying to get my son’s allergies under control, his allergist prescribed Singulair. It was like having a preschooler with ‘roid rage. Awful. Unbeknownst to me, that is a common side effect with that drug, but the doctor never said anything. We switched medications and started going to a new doctor at that practice.
If your allergies are bad enough for Singulair, has your doctor mentioned anything about immunotherapy (i.e., allergy shots)?
Anonymous
Singulair made me crazy. Wild, ragey mood swings that were completely out of the blue. I couldn’t get off that stuff fast enough.
Anon
I stopped taking singulair because it seemed to be giving me panic attacks, which stopped when I stopped the medication. I don’t think it was helping that much anyway, though, so deciding to stop was easy. If you’re concerned about systemic side effects of allergy/asthma medications, I’d try focusing on inhalers and nasal sprays, which should be much more targeted. I’ve found most doctors to be fairly dismissive of side effects, so you need to decide for yourself if the benefits of the medication outweigh the costs. Changing the dosage or the time of day you take it might help some too.
Pale Girl Snorkeling
There are many other options for treating allergies, including shots. If your Dr doesn’t know about the options, get an appt with an allergist. You can breathe and have a good s e x life! Shots are a long term commitment (and a time investment) but they can make a huge difference and do not have all the side effects of most other allergy meds.
AnonPara
I started antihistamines this summer for a ragweed allergy. I had never tried them before but since so many people take them, I thought I would give them a go. They worked like a dream and I even went migraine free the entire three months I took them. But I was definitely more irritable and had some other mood altering side effects. When I went off in November I had what I can only describe as withdrawal. Extreme itching and I felt similar to the last time I went of an SSRI. I believe histamine is a neurotransmitter, so that could explain the mood and sex drive issues. No real info for you, but just commiseration.
Nesprin
Are you on singulair monotherapy? That’s unusual… Far more common is inhaled corticosteroid as 1st step. If your prescribing doc was a GP, get thee to a specialist.
Dosing time of day affects singulair side effects- I got wacky nightmares when I was taking it in the PM… so I switched to AM and that seemed to help.
In-House Pro-Bono
I am an in-house attorney and want to do pro-bono work for a non-profit (there’s no conflict with my job). On the insurance issue, is there any option short of obtaining a malpractice insurance policy to cover my pro-bono work?
Anonymous
I work at legal aid, and if you volunteer through our private bar project, our insurance covers you. I do know this has been a challenge. A friend wanted to volunteer at a non-legal aid organization (immigrants rights to help people apply for citizenship) and couldn’t get around purchasing her own malpractice insurance policy, which was cost prohibitive.
Triangle Pose
Agree, this has always been my experience doing in-house pro bono. OP, did you ask your company or the pro bono partner non-profit whether you are already covered or if they have a plan in place for you and those like you re insurance? Usually law departments with pro bono partnerships have solved for this already without requiring the individual in-house counsel obtaining insurance.
Anonymous
See if your state/local bar association has some sort of pro bono resource center.
Anonymous
Would you date a coworker in a different department/practice area? I’ve always been opposed, but this coworker is halfway through a 2 year temporary contract. He doesn’t report to me, and he is more junior to me. His supervisor and I are on the same level. We work on different floors and don’t erally interact. In terms of the office culture, 2 of our coworkers are married. They work in different offices so that the husband doesn’t supervise the wife. My boss also met her partner at work, they dated, and her partner eventually left for a promotion elsewhere.
We’ve hung out a few times and really connected. We talked and both feel the sparks, but I’m hesitant. I told him I wouldn’t want anyone at work to know when we are just dating to avoid gossip. He was ok with that and agreed, but I’m not sure if we should date out of principle.
Anonny
Your description of your office culture re: married from meeting in the work place makes this sound fairly normal for your work place. Especially considering you have no supervisory role, and don’t really interact, I think you’re fine. I don’t see how the temporary contract plays into it (unless he is an independent contractor, which weighs in favor of dating).
Check your employee fraternization policy, if any, and have fun. Agree that you should keep it low key at first though.
Anonymous
I used to avoid fishing off of the company pier. But that is when I was wilder. And was probably a good thing. When I was a grownup acting like such and found another, I thought we could navigate it. No one really cared and we never really hid it. We did officially announce our engagement at work and have been married for 10 years (but are no longer coworkers). My only advice is to see if you can keep things G-rated at first so you can see if you’ve got a lurking lunatic on your hands; it’s easier to bow out gracefully with less weirdness if you have second thoughts.
Anonymous
This. Maybe be lunch buddies for a while and see if there is enough there to pursue something and if you are on the same page about how to navigate it. Pick a lunch spot not too close to the office and meet there if you want to be under the radar.
Anonymous
Good suggestion!
Anonymous
That’s cool it ended up with marriage! I know what you mean about younger and wilder. We are both mid 30s. I trust we could be professional/discrete especially as we only really interact at company-wide events. I might see him in passing now and then in the elevator, but I can go days or weeks without seeing him.
Away Game
I’d advise against trying to keep it fully secret. Be discreet, and professional, (no office PDA) but if you try to hide a relationship is tends to become fodder for the gossip mill. My experience with seeing relationships in the workplace is that it causes MUCH less conversation if you can be matter of fact about it, presuming there is not a policy against those relationships. “Oh, Jim? Yeah, we are going to lunch together again. We’re seeing each other. We’ll see how it goes. Did you watch the game this weekend?” Tends to shut off gossip more than trying to sneak around or pretend for whatever reason that you aren’t going to meet Jim for lunch. YMMV.
K
I’m currently dating someone who works at my company. Different department, different building. No chance of ever working together. We’re both a couple of years into our careers so no issue with someone being more senior. I think dating someone that works for the same company is fine as long as it doesn’t interfere with work and won’t interfere in any way. If the relationship doesn’t work out, it’ll help to not have to see them regularly so him working on a different floor, and also only having a year left at your company helps.
Anonymous
Thanks for sharing your experience. He’s a year older than me but worked a few years before law school, which is why I’m more senior than him. I agree its helpful he only has 1 year left if things went really south.
Anonymousie
Late to this party, but I currently date a coworker. I was super hesitant at first bc I didn’t want gossip/reputation if things didn’t work out. We kept it quiet for almost a year, not denying it if people asked but not advertising it. I also insisted on a longer g-rated dating period (lunches, happy hours, coffee) than I normally would. Luckily it worked out and we are still together. We have moved in together now so pretty much everyone we interact with knows. We do work in separate groups and don’t really interact at work unless we meet up for lunch. We are early 30s and there have been several couples who got together from our office. Good luck!
Anonymous
Can we talk about the wardrobe on the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? I die. Also, my new wardrobe aspiration is “If Midge worked for Claire Underwood, what would she wear to the office?”
C
It made me want to buy all the tea length full skirts and take everything I own to a tailor. And wear a leotard and sheer black tights whenever possible.
Anon
Gorgeous clothes and colors. Not really inspirational for me because I’m not a 60s housewife and don’t want to look like one, but I enjoy the fashion.
Hollis
Agreed. She looks fabulous and I love the colors, but she never looks professional (obviously because she doesn’t need to).
Triangle Pose
If Midge worked for Claire Underwood is a great wardrobe aspiration! I’d say use Claire’s cuts but Midge’s colors and both fabrics and you’d be set. This is why I find myself drawn to Boden’s classic cuts/pencil dresses in great colors. Also, vintage styles and details are often great for work – T strap pumps, vintage inspired collars on dresses, certain buttons on a wool coat, etc. As long as you don’t go costumey like you walked off the set of Mad Men and keep it to the little details, it’s a great way to not be boring when getting dressed for work. I don’t love the black, white, camel, grey work uniform and would be bored out of my mind every day if I went this way.
Minnie Beebe
Yes! I want all the dresses! It’s not at all my style, but the clothes are incredible– so fun and bright. Even her “exercise” clothes!
Also, I love this show. I’m so glad when DH is out of town for work, since it means I can watch this. It’s totally my new “Kimmy Schmidt” and I’ll be so sad when I’m done with the season!
Linda from HR
Yes, I drooled over the clothes! That, and Lily James’ outfits in Darkest Hour have fueled my Unique Vintage addiction.
Leatty
At what point do you retire work shoes? I have quite a few pairs of leather pumps whose heels are scuffed up, but I’m reluctant to retire them because they are comfortable and otherwise in decent shape.
Baconpancakes
If it’s just the heels, I would take them to a shoe repair place, or even just put shoe polish on them myself. I won’t retire shoes until they look sad from the front – the heels on mine get scuffed from a single walk to the coffee shop and back!
Anonymous
+1
I am very rough on my shoes so I make trips to the cobbler yearly to repair heels and clean things up, and do a lot of shoe care myself.
If they are comfortable and look ok other than the heels I would definitely preserve them and bring them to my amazing shoe guy. It is amazing what an amazing shoe guy can do!
Anonymous
What’s the point of wearing heels if not to look good and put together? If they’re noticeably scuffed, in a way that can’t be rectified by a cobbler, you’re kind of defeating the point of wearing them and being uncomfortable, no?
Anonymama
take them to a cobbler and ask if they can fix it. they should be able to tell you if it’s fixable or if you should just get a new pair.
Shopping request - Men's Swimwear
My husband is in search of a new pair of swim trunks for our trip to Florida in February but nothing is grabbing his eye. He likes simply classic cuts, and said he was looking for a yellow pair with an elastic waist. He is tall and slim so he can pull off the shorter style that is the trend. Any finds or places he should look? Thanks!
anon
Lands End
Anonymous
The ones with the penguin logo look good.
Anon
I believe Patagonia has trunks like that and they’ll last forever.
Hollis
Is there a Macy’s near you? With requests like these from my DH, I buy a bunch of different styles from Macy’s and after he picks one that works, I return the rest because they are great with returns. LLBean and Eddie Bauer and Lands End are all good options too, although harder to return for me.
Ms B
The Hubs has done well at Nordstrom Rack and the Neiman’s sales on swimsuits. Peter Millar makes a nice line if you can find them on sale and we have found them at both places.
AIMS
The Hubs has done well at Nordstrom Rack and the Neiman’s sales on swimsuits. Peter Millar makes a nice line if you can find them on sale and we have found them at both places.
cpa
Costco has some nice ones right now.
Anon
Anyone else doing Kat’s challenge today? I got the email yesterday so will be doing navy and black with a touch of white… still morning here on the west coast so I have time to put this together. It’s raining here so I’m doing a column of color in black with black tights and black ankle boots (aqua talia), a navy cardigan-jacket and I guess for the white, a few long strands of white pearls.
Anonymous
I wasn’t but your post definitely has me interested! Will look into it.
winter
You sound great!
C
I just read this post and realized I have zero navy work clothes, mostly because I never thought I could pair navy with black. Time to shop!
anon
Yes! I’m wearing a navy blazer with black piping (Gap academy blazer from a few years ago), a silk blouse that is white with tiny black bumblebees, and black slim-fit trousers and boots. I never would’ve put this together on my own, but I like it!
Alanna of Trebond
Where is your blouse from? It sounds great!
anon
Ann Taylor
Anonymous
Thanks, forgot this had started- just retrieved it from my junk mail! Worth it for me- a good push to use my small capsule wardrobe more creatively- may keep me from getting bored and buying more stuff I don’t need!
The Frenchie Is My Favorite Kid
I tried. But it just made me realize that my J Crew navy blazer is not flattering because of my chest. At all. I even have a “transitional” scarf per the suggestion, but I just gave up because my navy choices are awful.
West coast here, too. It’s cold and I just wanted to crawl into my leggings masquerading as pants because of pockets and a (working) zipper plus an oversize sweater. Again. But I forced myself into a wool skirt that I found back in the day when designer outlets were really designer stuff at a great price and a blouse.
No navy unless you count the packable down parka I swiped from my son because he refused to wear it and I can hide it in my handbag when it gets warmer.
Day 1 FAIL (for me) – love hearing about others successes though!
Alanna of Trebond
I’m wearing a navy jumpsuit over a cream tie-neck blouse, with a black blazer over it. Wearing black Gucci-type loafers.
For bonus points, I wore a black and white houndstooth coat and carried a navy doctor’s bag.
Anon
Wow!! Super creative outfit!
Anonymous
Terrific!
Senior Attorney
Sounds fab!
Anonymous
Which doctor’s bag to you carry? Are you a doc?
Alanna of Trebond
Wow! Thanks for all the kudos :-). I am a lawyer. It is a J Crew bag.
Anonymous
Yes, and I really like it! I feel like this will challenge me to use what I already own in more creative ways. Everyone who is not doing this should sign up :)
Anon
How do you sign up? I must have missed the original post. This sounds fun!
Anon
There’s a link on the weekend thread.
Anon
I am! I’m wearing a navy blouse, black pants and a white cardigan. Gold pendant necklace and hoops and leopard print heels to liven it up. It’s a little neutral for my taste, but it’s fun – I never would have worn this all together otherwise.
Nerfmobile
I am! For today, black pants, a floral print shirt that has a navy background (other colors are lavender, reddish pink, mint green, and a pinky white), and a cardigan in a black/white zig zag pattern.
Pale Girl Snorkeling
I was thinking over the weekend about if/how to style black with navy. I have a great navy sheath dress and I have a lovely pink blazer with black trim, neither of which gets enough wear. How are others styling black and navy together? I also have more pairs of navy blue shoes than is reasonable…. and not enough plain black ones
Call me old fashioned
Apparently I am in the minority. I was looking forward to new outfit ideas but found the suggested outfit for today so very uninspiring and depressing that I unsubscribed.
Sloan Sabbith
I didn’t get the email! :(
Sloan Sabbith
Can someone forward me the outfit email@
Sloansabbith*t*e at the mail of Google.
Thank you!
Anon
Just did. (I’m OP)
Anon
I did not sign up because I have a capsule wardrobe and figured I wouldn’t have enough pieces/enough variety for it. For instance, I have zero black pieces for work because I do navy and gray as my base colors. Did it have to be black and navy today or was there an alternate for those who don’t have black and navy pieces? I also have literally one white shirt and nothing else white…
Anon
I think it’s about people who were afraid to pair black with navy, which is a lot of people, but if you do it intentionally it can look really sharp.
The email contained all five days’ challenges. I don’t have any bright accessories and am not going to buy any, so I’m picking and choosing which days I participate. I don’t feel locked into it in any way just because i signed up for the Email.
But I’m glad I did it because the outfit I’m wearing today is something I’ve never put together before and I like it. I tend to retreat to my favorite tried-and-true combos so as not to have another decision in the morning, and if the challenge helps me find a few more of those, I’m all ears.
Anonymous
Yes, and found a perfect shirt that I had not worn for ages. It had been sharing a hanger under some other, rarely used, shirts- so thank you! Black trousers; black short, zipped jacket; predominantly navy shirt, but with fine white stripes of two different widths on it and and a white lining to the collar that peaks out. I am so taken with this outfit which I would never have thought of for myself.
Senior Attorney
Yes, I have a fabulous silk DVF navy/black/white print top that I have only worn in summer (short sleeves, wide square neck, blousy cut) layered over a black turtleneck and black ankle pants, with navy pumps and black and white bag. It’s not something I’d normally wear but it’s fun to mix things up a little every once in a while!
Geneva
I’m wearing a navy long cardigan from Eileen Fisher over a black Boden midi-length black dress, black tights and black pumps.
Shopaholic
I need some encouragement to pull the trigger. I’ve really wanted a vacation and it’s a good time to take some time off in February. Unfortunately none of my friends can come with me, so I think I’m going to go solo. I was planning on an all-inclusive so I could just chill, read, eat and drink.
Is it relatively easy to make friends at an all-inclusive? I don’t know why I’m so nervous and hesitant.
Anonymous
Yes! GO!!!
Excursions and classes (painting/fitness/whatever) are a great way to meet people with similar interests. Don’t exclude couples. I’d love to have a yoga or snorkeling buddy while DH was off on a mountain biking tour or whatever. We travel together but we don’t spend 24/7 together on vacation.
C2
I detest all-inclusive resorts as a rule, so I don’t have a lot of advice there, but I think you would have a blast solo on a cruise. I’ve always been able to make friends on cruises, and it checks your chill-read-eat-drink boxes. You’ll likely get seated with other people at a big table at dinner. There are so many different areas of the ship, tons of events and activities, plus island stops are fantastic. I also love getting to know the bartenders, servers and crew.
Anonymous
Isn’t a cruise basically a floating all-inclusive though?
Triangle Pose
Yes, I always thought a cruise was a floating all inclusive but worse because you risk sea sickness and you can’t get off the boat whenever you want, only for scheduled stops and touristy excursions. I tend to avoid both as a rule and prefer the airbnb, walking everywhere and exploring without guided tours and local hole-in-the-wall places, recs from locals/friends who live there, maybe recs from this board, etc.
Anonymous
They’re certainly similar but a cruise is a little different from a social perspective and I can see why it would be easier to make friends on a cruise. You are automatically assigned a shared table with other people at dinner (unless you request to sit alone) and will see those same people every day and get to know them. At an AI you would probably sit alone at meals unless you knew someone or someone happened to invite you to join them. Some cruise lines also have gentleman hosts that are there to entertain and dance with single woman, although that is really for older folks.
That said, if you’re ok eating alone and your main goals are chilling, reading, eating and drinking I think you’d be very happy at an all-inclusive resort.
C2
I don’t find them to be the same experience at all. And some people love resorts, so there is definitely appeal there for many. When I’m stuck at an AI, I feel bored, like I’m missing out on a lot of culture and that the experience is very inauthentic to the place I’m in. I don’t feel like my group makes a concerted effort to meet others, nor do other groups do the same. On the other hand, I’ve done a small-town Airbnb in the DR and had a fantastic time, made friends and even found a local guide with them to take us around for a day. My usual motto for travel is: I don’t vacation, I travel. That said, I pick cruises for the 10% of the time when I want to truly relax and forget the world for a couple days. I’ve made some great friends cruising. I do beeline through the tourist zone at ports and find a taxi to take me to the places the locals go, but I don’t get as worked up about experiencing all the culture. I may snorkel once per cruise, but other than that I usually skip ship-lead excursions.
Anonymous
I’m not sure if this is your style, but it’s SUPER easy to make friends on more ‘adventure’ type trips as opposed to resorts. If you find a very highly rated hostel with private rooms, you won’t be too uncomfortable, and I guarantee you’ll meet people and get invited along on activities. For instance, I read about a hostel in Ischia, Italy called Paradise that’s on a beach near some hot springs overlooking the Mediterranean.
I had a really good time staying solo at Paraiso Hotel & Resort on Big Corn Island in Nicaragua.
If you combine the backpacker scene with some more comfortable digs, I think that will be your best bet for having solo travel fun.
Anonymous
Younger men. Yay? I’m voting yay but do others have thoughts? It’s only a 5 year gap.
Anon
Generally speaking I find men less mature than women at similar ages. This is a gross generalization and you may have found an exception….
But if not, the difference in maturity levels can be really fun in the dating/infatuation/experience travel part of the relationship, and maddening in the cohabitation/marriage part of it.
For those reasons I personally wouldn’t do it again unless it were just a fling.
Anonymous
+1
To the OP – how old are you now?
I have no problem with that age difference. But if I was 32 and eager to be married and have kids, then……no. I would probably not be looking at 27 year old guys.
anon
Depends a LOT of how old you are and the guy. DH is 2 years younger than me which had its challenges when we met in college but now is mostly a non-issue (we’re early 30s) 35 and 40 is not as big a difference as 25 and 30.
anon
Depends on the ages. 45-40? Wouldn’t give it a second thought. 28-23? Hahahahaha.
Anonymous
I was 28 when I met my 23 year old future husband!
BeenThatGuy
Yay to younger men. I’m 41 and my bf is 28 (dating 2.5 years now). I wouldn’t categorize him as immature, but he gets me to loosen up because I run on the tense side. It’s been my experience that if you are an intellectual match, age doesn’t matter.
Anon
Depends on your age. 22 vs 27 is a lot different than 37 vs 32
Anon
Married to a man 4 years younger, but similar places in life (we met in the same 1L small section in law school.)
The only time age has been an issues is related to pesky biology … I was ready to have kids a few years before he was, and by the time he was on board I was 36. We didn’t have issues becoming pregnant then, but haven’t been able to conceive since (I’m now 40.) If we’d started having kids when I felt ‘ready’ (around 32) then we might have had better luck.
Never too many shoes...
I think a 5 year gap depends on how old you are. If you are 30 and he is 25, well, you are likely at very different lift/maturity stages and possible are looking for very different things. But if you are 37 and he is 32, well, that seems like way less of a big deal to me.
OP
+1
Anonymous
Sorry, not OP!
Anonymous
I disagree! My 29 year old self met my then-24-year-old husband in 1995. Our 22nd anniversary is this summer.
Anonymous
Do you like him? That’s really all that matters.
I’m frankly so disgusted with extreme immaturity from men my own age (mid-30s) that I’m now open to men who fall outside of the age range I thought I was looking for. I’m sure there are woke male 30-somethings but my experience with the 30-40 crowd has been… exhausting. I recently started seeing a 25 year old. It’s so refreshing to connect with someone who didn’t grow up thinking that gay is another word for bad and feminism is a dirty word. He actually volunteered to go to the women’s march with me! The 30-something I was dating last year eye rolled at me and tried to convince me to not go because he didn’t want to hear my alarm go off early on a Saturday.
Mineallmine
OMG yes, I agree younger men can be so much more open minded and ‘woke’. I dated a guy 11 years younger when I was in my mid 30s, and while we were in different places in our lives, we connected so well. I ended it when he wanted to get married, and I realized while I like being in a relationship, I’m not interested in re-marrying after all. He’s now a professor and a great friend of mine. Men my age tend to just be so full of themselves for reasons I have yet to figure out, and older men creep me out. On average I tend to date 2-5 years younger.
Lise
When I was 29, I met a cute 25-year old and figured oh he’s 25, I’ll have a fun little fling with him. We’re married now. So total yay for me!
HSAL
Met my husband when I was 31 and he was 26. We were at very different life stages – he had been working for 4 years after college but was starting a grad school program, and I’d been a practicing attorney for 5 years. We got married at 32/27 and we’ve been married almost 5 years.
Anon
My mom is 10 years older than my dad, and they met at 23 and 33!
They have been married for 25 years and while I don’t know the relationship from the inside, I will say that it was enough of a non-issue that I was not aware of the age gap until I was 14; I had assumed they were the same age and noticed nothing to the contrary.
Enginerd
This has me super curious. Did you know one of your parents’ age and not the other? Did they always tell you they were the same age, or age was just never discussed? I knew my both my parents’ birth dates and had seen their birth certificates (the latter obviously being a very avoidable one) in elementary school, so this boggles me. :)
CountC
I still guess at how old my parents’ are and need reminders of their birthdays. I know they are 7 years apart, so I guess at my dad’s and then subtract 7 for my mom’s. I also have no idea what their wedding date is or how long they have been married (although it is > 37 years based on my age). We are not a big date/anniversary family, so it never came up. I didn’t know how my parents met until a classmate who was bewildered that I didn’t know asked them.
anon with parental age gap
I knew how old my dad was. My mom refused to tell us her age (I knew her birthday but not birth year) which in hindsight should have been a clue, but she’s quite young-looking and I didn’t know anyone else who had parents where the mom was significantly older than the dad, so I just assumed she was around my dad’s age.
Found out when I saw her driver’s license once. I was pretty shocked but now I think it’s kind of cool. :)
Seventh Sister
Oh heck yes. If something were to happen to my very beloved husband, my great idea is to do a complete Tilda Swinton in movie-life (A Bigger Splash and I Am Love) and also allegedly real-life. I just don’t want to live with a partner ever again.
Pretty Primadonna
Yay! My husband is three years younger.
Anonymous
YAY! I am have a no strings arrangement with a man 10 years younger than me. He has his $hit together and I would quickly set him up with a friend of any age. He owns a house, has a good job, has excellent perspective, is good with money, etc. I have no interest in dating generally, but he’s a good catch for someone who is!
Kids and fitness
Another post about kids – I hope you’ll all indulge me. I read the previous posts with great interest since my husband and I are on the fence and hope to decide within the next few years. One thing I’m nervous about is fitness. I was quite fit as a child and teen and went through periods of being less fit as a young adult, but fitness is finally a focus again in my life (age 30) and it’s become really important to me, especially since I need to be fit to do well at the sports I enjoy (climbing, skiing) without injury. I’m concerned that having a kid would make my fitness backslide in a big way and that it would be hard to recover from that. Of course I would want to exercise through pregnancy, but so much can happen and I’m under no illusions that that would be easy or guaranteed. Can any fitness-minded mothers speak to whether they were able to maintain fitness or improve fitness during pregnancy and after childbirth?
Anonymous
Improving fitness during pregnancy and after childbirth is probably not realistic but you can certainly remain active. The most important way to ensure that you don’t injure yourself is to follow appropriate recommendations. I overdid it both late in my pregnancy and after childbirth which lenghtened my total recovery time. Don’t start working out (walking is fine) until 6 weeks after birth. Yoga, swimming, and walking can all be done throughout pregnancy. I used the time to work on my swimming which was my weakest area in triathlons.
You can totally ski with kids. Ours go to ski school + daycare while we ski. We’ll ski together as a family when they are bigger. Kids can start climbing at most indoor gyms at age 6. If you have the space, you can also install an indoor wall in your basement – an install kit was one of my Christmas gifts to DH and our three year old cannot wait to have it put up.
Kids and fitness
I have heard mixed things about the six-week rule from athletes. Some seem to bounce back and be running within a week or two (I have no idea how – amazingly easy births?) and others need more than the six weeks. That’s the other thing I’m concerned about. I could VERY easily get totally out of shape in six weeks and my past experience has shown me that it’s really hard for me to reestablish the habits and get back into it. I’m not even a hardcore athlete, just a recreationalist, but I really don’t want to spend more years of my life being unfit.
And yes, I would definitely ski with kids! I’d also consider skiing during pregnancy if I could find a way to make it comfortable – most likely backcountry skiing on mellow slopes without other people around. That would take more research, but I’ve seen some inspiring accounts online of women who skied all through pregnancy.
Anonymous
Girl. Chill. Your vag needs to heal. You will need to get back in shape after a baby. That’s okay.
Curious
I think your comment is pretty telling:
” I could VERY easily get totally out of shape in six weeks and my past experience has shown me that it’s really hard for me to reestablish the habits and get back into it. I’m not even a hardcore athlete, just a recreationalist, but I really don’t want to spend more years of my life being unfit”
if you really feel that 6 weeks off from your sport would really alter your life/fitness/routines/etc that much, then it sounds like maybe you’re not quite ready to fully wrap your mind around having a kid. yes, your life will forever be altered by giving birth to a child, but there is so much evidence from women on this board that your life will go on in similar and/or different meaningful ways. including your recreational sports if you prioritize them.
Anonymous
Agreed. Time for a reality check OP.
Anonymous
FWIW, the Army mandates PT. But it also gives you 6 weeks off of PT once you’ve birthed said baby. After that, it’s PPPT — post-partum PT.
I know mothers who are Olympic-caliber athletes, pre- and post-baby. But you don’t gestate a baby all that long in the scheme of things. And you may have an OB issue that precludes taking it to the max — I had a previa with baby #2 and did not want to risk my life or my baby’s if I had had any sort of fall that made the bleeding worse (and the white-knuckle aspects of bleeding and where you mind goes . . . .).
There is a huge gap b/c “years of your life being unfit” and dialing it back a bit for a short while. There is a medium and you will figure it out.
Anonymous
My sense is skiing during pregnancy is rare and not recommended. I’m more intermediate but DH is Austrian and has skiied since he could walk. He doesn’t know anyone who skiied while pregnant and I know that none of our friends/family there skiied while pregnant even though they had skiied their whole lives. If you really don’t want to miss out, start trying in late February/March so you’ll have the baby before the next ski season.
Your body needs to heal. Pregnancy and birth are like any physical trauma to the body. Your body needs time to recover. That’s why Serena Williams is taking the time she needs to get back in peak form. I damaged my pelvic floor by running too soon – don’t be me. There will always be top level professional atheletes who are in a totally different situations. But unless your job is professional sports, follow the advice.
Yes, you might be out for 6-12 weeks (assuming reduced activity at end of pregnancy), but that could also happen tomorrow if you screw up your achilles tendon or mess up your knee. I think you need to address the fact that you seem to have anxiety about the possibility of not being about to engage in a certain level of fitness activity. That could happen to you at anytime and you’d still be okay.
Anonymous
Yes 100%.
Curious
+1 yes this. I tried to hit at it, but I couldn’t. OP you seem to have anxiety about your hobbies that doesn’t appear to jive with having kids at this moment in time.
Kids and fitness
The anxiety piece is very true for me – will need to work on that. I guess pregnancy feels different from an injury or something because you can plan for much of it/prioritize certain things in your life, but it’s true I could be out for 12 weeks or more. I’ll need to find a way to be at peace with that.
Anonymous
Don’t ski pregnant. It’s just dumb. And certainly skiing the back country is not a better idea!
Rust
+1, don’t ski pregnant. If you can’t give up a season of skiing, you’re not ready to be a mother. I mean that with compassion — I’m a doctor and a skier and a mom… and watching my partner ski without me was harder than watching him drink or eat sushi without me!
Anonymous
Fitness fades no matter what you do. We are not 18 forever. “Peak” is relative.
You can be a fantastic masters swimmer at 30, 40, 50, 60. And do senior Olympics. If you do it right, you never get injured. But we all fade.
Over your lifetime, you can do it all, but things have a season.
TL;DR: baby or not, you may need to work on letting go of a sense that 12 weeks off of anything will make that much difference in the long run. Age is the big enemy.
Anonymous
And fitness with kids can be fun. I had way more fun dragging 80 pounds of kid back up the sliding hill behind our house on the weekend while they shouted ‘you can do it mommy’ than I ever did dragging around tires or other weights at the gym.
Anon
Agreed.
If your issue is a routine, then develop an exercise routine with your doctor’s advice for pregnancy and post-partum. That “routine” might mean walking and gentle stretching after birth, with a plan to walk more and eventually run. Just slot the appropriate exercise into your routine, rather than trying desperately to maintain the same level of fitness.
Anonymous
+1. This.
Also, kids are so much more than the baby stage. Priorities shift for a while; OP, you said you went through periods of being less fit, but it sounds like you were able to regain that fitness – what makes you think you’ll never be fit again after kids?
FWIW, I ran a marathon PR when my son was 2.5, and I chalk that up to a couple of things: 1) running with him in the stroller – it made me a lot stronger, and 2) having to do my training runs at whatever time of day I could fit them in; training at midday in summer made me so much tougher mentally.
Kids and fitness
I guess I worry that if it was so hard to get back in shape when I only had me to worry about, it will be much harder when I have a child to focus on.
Anonymous
I had kids late and feel that you just work fitness in. Kids are in swim lessons: you do laps. You join a gym with childcare. You put them in tennis lessons when you play tennis. You get a sitter or trade off with a spouse to do a sport on the weekends or after work.
My size / weight didn’t change post babies except when pregnant.
My kids are school aged now and I ran a 5K with one and routinely do ropes courses with both of them. And we bike together and go hiking.
*** I am probably in the shape I’m b/c of them and not in spite of them. *** Otherwise, I’d probably just work 60+ hours/week and not bother with fitness as much b/c I’m so dang tired.
Anokha
I have a two year old toddler and my fitness has definitely dipped. Prior to pregnancy, I would work out 4x/week at group classes— it’s much harder for me to do that now. (No gyms in my area offer childcare).
Anon in NYC
This. I worked out 5-6x/week pre-kid. Now, I shoot for 4x, but it’s often 2-3x. It’s just hard. Middle of the night wake ups means I’m exhausted when my alarm goes off at 5am and I’ll snooze. But, you can find ways around it. You can work out at home, you can go for long walks as a family. You and spouse can split up (dad takes kid to activity, you go to the gym). You can prioritize it if it is important to you.
Anonymous
I got a step aerobics step for under the bed. I can watch unlimited trash TV when the kids go to bed and just do that and am in solid shape. Just pushups, planks. It doesn’t have to be expensive. You just have to do *something*.
Anonymous
I understand your concerns as I felt the same. I had twins 3 years ago and actually found that I have more time to exercise since I took a step down in my job to part-time. For me it has been the perfect balance.
I don’t think doctors advise trying to improve fitness during pregnancy but to simply maintain. I had a hard time working out at the end since I was so huge and I ended up on bedrest for 6 weeks (unlikely with a singleton preganancy) and lost a ton of muscle. I was really worried that it would be difficult to get back to being myself by it really went by quickly. I had a v delivery though so was able to resume normal activity sooner than someone that has a C section. Running with two babies in a double stroller will get you back in cardio shape quick! You can get a bike trailer and take the kid biking. You can get a backpack carrier and take the kid hiking. Skiiing is obviously harder…we take turns going up to ski or get a sitter. I always dreamed of taking my “mom time” by putting my babies in the gym daycare for a hour while I took a class etc. That dream was halted when I realized that gym day cares in general are not licensed and I am actually kind of a helicopter mom…….
So in my opinion, it mostly comes down to time and how much sleep you require. Are you going to work full time when baby is born? If so, it may be hard to fit in taking care of a baby in the evenings and still get a workout in. Do you think your husband will be supportive to you working out? Will he take care of the baby for an hour so you can run to the gym? I go to the gym on weekdays after work and pay my nanny for that time. I never thought I would be a person that will pay to work out but it’s an investment in my health and happiness…sorry for the book.
Anon
My body changed so fundamentally after pregnancy that i will never be the same shape I was prior to kids but i was able to get my fitness back (maybe even better than before) after the birth of my second.
Unfortunately I have not maintained it but that is more of a me issue than a kid issue.
Just make an appointment at the gym (even if not a real appointment, but a committment to yourself) and treat it with the same priority as work. Kid comes first but fitness does not have to come last.
My husband was in the best shape of his life when our kids were little and he stayed home with them for a while. Why? The gym had free childcare included with membership. :) and no guilt, my kids LOVED that gym childcare.
Mountains
I gained a lot of weight and lost my fitness drive for a while after babies. One day when they were 4 and 2, I said no more, hired a personal trainer, and got in the best shape of my life. The stretch marks and saggy tum are what they are (and let’s not even talk about the Chest That is No Longer), but I’m toned and active and have kept the weight off for five years. I lift early before work and joined a very physical team sport. I learned to snowboard recently. There is life after babies, and your body will likely always carry the physical markers of bearing children (there is no trampoline jumping in my life anymore, for example), but you can get fit again and stay fit–or fitter!
GG
My husband used to be really into working out. He would lift weights for hours at a time, run long distances, etc. It was a rude awakening to him that this was not possible to continue after we had our first. Now we both do HIIT workouts at home, so they are short but pack a punch. It’s possible to stay active, but not in a very time-consuming way, so you may need to make a lot of adjustments.
Anonattorney
Hah, I have had a few friends whose husbands wanted to continue to pursue their marathon training (and one who even was into ultramarathons) after kids. That didn’t go over too well.
Anonymama
Huh, I have a friend that got into ultramarathoning after having kids. I think it was key to run with a stroller with babies and toddlers, and having an otherwise flexible schedule. My husband also got really into a sport after our second was born, it’s a fair time commitment but has been really good for him and us. Having a fixed schedule is really helpful, where you each know when the other has an activity, and then it’s just part of your routine. It seems like a lot more time apart, but then we are actually both happier and more interactive in the time we do have together.
fitness after kids
I was a climber before kids and gave it up when I got pregnant the first time; I’m just now getting back into it five years later and I’ve found that, as expected, my strength and endurance have taken a big hit. On the non-climbing hand, since having our kids, I have run my first marathon (and more races since pre-kids), done my first bike race, taken up backpacking, and done far more yoga. I am in far better shape now than I was pre-kids. Totally agree with 10:46 Anon up there that I’m this active because of my kids rather than in spite of them – I feel really strongly about modeling an active lifestyle with and for them.
Anonymous
I’m active, but my age is showing. I have osteoarthritis in some joints that make climbing not worth it. I am still really strong though and have brought in hiking and skating, along with biking and tennis. We are a very sporty family b/c Mommy Hates Screentime. In the summer, we’re at the pool a lot. I’m a rashguard wearer for sun protection but still have a closet of two-pieces.
Green Hat
I think it depends a lot on your job and how you are going to divide childcare responsibilities with your partner. I was very fit and worked out 5-6x a week before I had a kid (a combination of going to the gym, spin class, and running). I kept up a lighter version of my normal routine, doing the same things but slower/less intense and maybe one less day a week, until about week 28 of my pregnancy. After that it was too uncomfortable to do anything except swim, but I did that 3-4x a week as well.
After the required 6 week recovery time after having the baby, I got back into working out but now (10 months postpartum) I only have the time and energy to do so 2-3x a week, and then can only do workout videos in my basement or the occasional run outside. I have to leave work at 5:30 every day and then am “on” until bedtime for my son at 8. I can’t do morning workouts even though my husband is on-duty in the morning because I am still nursing and need to nurse when my son gets up around 7, but I hope to add in a morning workout at least once a week when I stop nursing. I’m close to my pre-pregnancy weight and would say I’m decently fit for my age, but I don’t have the endurance to do the half-marathons I used to.
anon
I think you need to have realistic expectations. You can be active and fit, but you will likely have to squeeze exercise into your life rather than having your life revolve around fitness. For me, that’s meant getting up at 4:45 a.m. to exercise on weekdays, even though I never in a million years would’ve done that before kids. It also means that I’m not getting enough sleep, so there’s a tradeoff.
I was in the best shape of my life when I got pregnant at age 28. My fitness fell off precipitously for at least 5 years because it just wasn’t a priority. I had to get very tired of feeling like c r a p all the time and realizing that things were never going to get easier, so I needed to woman up and figure out a way to prioritize my health again. Anecdotally, I’ve noticed that many women I know tend to get gung-ho into fitness and health roughly 2 years after their youngest child is born. I didn’t plan it that way, but that’s what happened to me.
General active-ness is important to our family, and I was able to keep up with that, but I definitely was not in shape for a long time.
I would hate for you to forgo motherhood, if that’s what you want, because you’re afraid of falling off the fitness wagon. It may backslide for awhile, but you can get it back IF YOU WANT TO. I completely hear you on being the recreational athlete who has a hard time getting back into healthy habits, btw.
SC
I think fitness (or any other hobby/interest) and kids is an area where it’s helpful to take the long view. I had a complicated pregnancy, beginning with severe morning sickness leading to dehydration and poor nutrition, and ending with a month of bed rest and an early birth. Obviously, I did not maintain any level of fitness during pregnancy. On the other hand, due to an extremely easy (early) delivery of a small baby, I bounced back pretty quickly and was taking walks around the neighborhood with baby in a sling within a couple of days. I also did yoga at home during Baby’s first year, with him on a play mat or in a bouncy seat nearby, and took him to mom and baby yoga classes on the weekend. Around 6 months old, I started going for long walks or runs with baby in a jogging stroller. When I stopped nursing, it was easier to go to exercise classes in the evenings. When my son became a toddler, I could be active “with” him–following him up and down the stairs a dozen times (seriously, this was a phase around 18 mo), running around the playground, going for walks around the neighborhood, taking him to the pool in the summer, going for hikes. Also, DH and I can trade off “solo” time to pursue our own activities.
So, basically, when you have kids, life changes. The pregnancy and newborn stages are different for everyone, and you may or may not be able to maintain a high level of fitness or spend a lot of time on any hobby for a while. But in the long run, these phases are a short part of your life. In the long run, you don’t have to give up your lifestyle or your hobbies or your goals (or your work) just because you have children.
Also, anecdotally, my mom ran marathons when I was a teenager and qualified for the Boston Marathon when I was in high school. And she’s a doctor.
Blonde Lawyer
Keep in mind that your fitness levels may change as you age, kids or not. I’m 36 now and I’ve had to change the way I exercise because I have bad knees. I haven’t yet had kids.
Anonymama
I am more fit now than I was before having my two children. In some ways having kids makes it easier for me, because my kids are very active and pretty much have to have time outside to run around every day, which translates to time outside for me too. Also, my exercise time is my “me time” every week, so it is scheduled in and I really look forward to it in a way that I didn’t always when I had kids. And I spend a fair amount of time carrying around an extra 40 pounds of wiggly toddler, which is great for building arm and core strength. I think it’s good to be aware of your desire to stay active and fit, but not helpful to stress out about it. A lot of parenting is being able to adapt as needed, and you get to decide what your priorities are. So yes your fitness routines will change, as will most of your life, but not necessarily for the worse. Like, you can do stretches and planks while your baby is doing tummy time, or get in a run while your baby naps in the stroller. (But don’t push it before you are ready, diastalys rectus is no joke.)
It's all possible!
Late to this, but my husband is a professional athlete and I am a (recreational) marathon runner. Professional athlete means lots of travel. It took me a while to get back into marathon shape after having a baby, but I definitely did. Key for me has always been taking advantage of whatever window there is for training. This may mean lots of treadmill running while the baby is sleeping or going for an 18 miler in the middle of the day because that’s when you can get a sitter.
Anonymous
If you’re still reading…pre pregnancy I worked out 5 days a week. I intended to keep up with fitness (started a prenatal yoga class right away, etc.) But at 4mo pg with twins I had an appendectomy. Recovery from that + C-section + ppd + exhaustion = almost 5 years with no serious attempt at regular exercise. I’ve always disliked swimming, but like others here, my kids’ interest got me into the pool about a year ago and today I survived my first Masters training session. TL;DR don’t count on a fit pregnancy, but don’t count renewed fitness out either.
withtatertot
I’m super late to this, but in case you check back, I will say that there is hope, but that you will likely need to adjust your expectations. I was able to stay active during my very easy pregnancy, including working out 6 days a week – lifting weights through something like 38 weeks. I did need to stop running around 20 weeks and use a maternity support belt. I’m similar to you in that I had some anxiety around not working out for 6 weeks postpartum, and that caused me to push harder than I should’ve and extend my recovery time. And the time constraints of parenting mean that I have adjusted my workouts to be shorter and more efficient (more HIIT, heavy lifting, fewer long runs). But almost a year out (how time flies!) I work out 5-6 days a week. Keys for me have been (1) focusing on rebuilding my pelvic floor strength in the first 3-4 months postpartum – I paid for the MuTu system plan, but there are cheaper/free options out there, (2) a home gym setup with elliptical machine and weights, and (3) a super supportive partner who gets up with the baby every weekday.
I am still squishier than I would like to be in places because sometimes the baby was up for an hour in the middle of the night and I just need chocolate to be effective at my job, but that’s another story. Being active has been so important for my mental health. Best of luck!
Boden -- why do I look pregnant?
What is the trick to Boden?
I want to like them. Regardless of size, do you need a flat stomach to make dresses work? I looked at the recent catalog. Granted, they use mode-sized models. But they seem to have flat stomachs. And I’m not sure where a tummy would go in some of their cuts.
Is there a secret to wearing Boden dresses? I’m thin, but have a tummy and some belly softness. I go back to looking pregnant in Boden though but not most other brands. Have Athleta / BR / MMLF become officially tummy-friendly? I love Boden’s style, but am so sick of returning things that just highlight how I’m less lean at my size now that I’m not 20 and super-active.
Anonymous
I think they work a bit better when you are high waisted.
Are you low waisted?
Anon
Boden runs short-waisted (that means their waist hits higher up on the rib cage than typical). So that means there’s more fabric below the rib cage than usual, hence the pregnant look. A poster who’s 5’6 said last week that she had good luck order the tall size, so that the waist was in the right spot, but that may not work for you.
Anon
Other than being high waisted, you need to buy the items that have a seam and pleats at the waist as opposed to just straight down.
However, too much of that can result in the pregnant look so there’s a happy medium (for example the Ottoman dresses).
Wedding Registries
Last week there was some talk about Williams Sonoma being terrible for wedding registries because of their strange return policies. I’m getting married in the fall, and this has got me wondering – do any of you have recommended sites for registries? I’d love to use something like Zola that aggregates across other sites AND allows for a “honey-fund,” but I’ve heard mixed things about Zola. Or would y’all recommend sticking with stores’ individual sites and limiting the registry to 1-2 stores plus a separate cash fund?
Thanks, all!
Anonymous
No. Cash. Fund. It’s tacky and rude. People do not need instructions on how to give you cash.
Anonymous
don’t do a honey fund… if you don’t register for gifts, or your registry items run out, your guests will just give you a check/cash. honey funds are super tacky.
Cat
Cash / honey funds are super tacky, sorry.
As a guest who recently had to deal with a Zola registry, it was really weird. At checkout, you’re given two options — alert the couple that the gift is ready for shipping/pickup, or “keep it a surprise” until after the wedding. How you’re supposed to deal with things like engagement or shower gifts when presented with those as the only choices… is odd. I settled for printing a picture of the item and sticking it in a card.
Anonymous
We registered on Amazon and Zola. Even though Zola says that they aggregate across other sites, what they really do for gifts on another site is refer the guest to that website or give you the cash equivalent of that gift (you choose which option for each gift). So you get none of the so-called benefits of Zola, and I think it feels awkward for the guest. We didn’t register for that much stuff, so it was easy to limit ourselves to these two websites.
Lydia
We used blueprint and it was very easy and responsive! I also don’t share the hate for the honey fund… what I hate is buying people fancy kitchen appliances that I know they are going to return for money anyway. fwiw, blueprint allows both (fund/experience gifts and traditional registry). We also registered separately with a charity (because nearly all the registry sites take a cut of that) and put both on our wedding page. however you feel about honeymoon funds, you can’t reaaally say that it’s tacky to register for supporting refugees in lieu of physical gifts…
Anonymous
“what I hate is buying people fancy kitchen appliances that I know they are going to return for money anyway. ”
Do people really do this? I assume when I am buying someone a kitchen appliance they registered for that they are going to keep it – I know it might go in a drawer and not be used much, but returning for cash seems really drastic. If you want cash that badly, don’t have a gift registry. Stores like Williams Sonoma also don’t let you return for cash, they would give you a gift certificate to the store.
Gail the Goldfish
I’m with you on this. We recently did our registry (Crate+Barrel and Williams-Sonoma) and only put things we needed/would use It does mean we had some slightly more unusual items (like nice planters, which you don’t really think of as wedding gifts…) since my kitchen is pretty well stocked already as we’re in our 30s.
Anon
I would assume they actually want the item and will keep it, unless they accidentally get multiples
tesyaa
BB&B has a really great return policy so maybe people do this. My daughter registered for a food processor then decided she didn’t want that one, so she returned it. It happens but it wasn’t money grubbing.
Anonymous
Uh yeah I can and do. It’s so show offy. How about you just quietly donate any gifts you receive to charity without bragging about it?
Annony
+1 i guess it can be tacky if the couple is wealthy/dont need the money but for couples just starting out that would prefer to have cash than some appliance they’ll never use, I’d perfer that
Anonymous
Then that is simple. They don’t register or don’t register for much, and you write them a check.
AttiredAttorney
I purchased a gift off of zola for a recent wedding I attended, and I found the wording in the email confirmation I received kind of rude/offensive. I picked a physical present off of their list for a reason, and I basically got an email that said that the couple would pick when and if they wanted that actual gift shipped to them. I found it really tacky, and I wished they would have just not had any registry at all, so that I would have just given cash.
Anon
So it sounds like the couple has the option of not receiving the gift you picked and I guess getting the cash instead?
Marilla
The couple has this option with almost any registry! or rather, it’s always an option with every registry, it just depends whether they have to physically return it to the store vs just emailing the store that they would prefer to return it for credit.
Anonymous
I don’t really understand why people would return a gift that they asked for. Unless they got duplicates or something, which shouldn’t happen if you order off the registry. But like, don’t register for stuff you don’t want and intend to return just so you can feel morally superior to anyone who flat out asks for cash.
Marilla
People “ask for” a lot of stuff they may realize later on they don’t need (people seem to get caught up in the registry fun and put a lot of random items on there – do they REALLY need/want all those things?). Or they may get a picture frame from someone off-registry that they can’t return, so return the one they were gifted from the registry.
Or they may know that they have a ton of aunts/family friends etc who refuse to give cash, insist on a physical gift, so they register for decoy physical gifts that they can swap for store credit. 5 picture frames or vases may add up to a food processor or vacuum that they actually need.
I almost always give cash or a store gift card to where they’re registered, but I 100% have no hard feelings if a couple returns a gift. The point is to express my love for them and happiness at their marriage, not to make sure they keep my gift forever and ever.
Anonymous
“5 picture frames or vases may add up to a food processor or vacuum that they actually need.”
But then why not register for the food processor or vacuum? The point of a registry is to tell people what you actually want/need so they don’t just buy you random stuff! Even though we got married young and most of our friends were not wealthy at the time, we still registered for plenty of items in the $200-$500 range and got a bunch of them as group gifts or gifts from older, more established relatives. I understand duplicates, etc., might happen and necessitate returns, but I just don’t understand this concept of deliberately registering for things you don’t want so you can return them for cash or store credit.
Marilla
I see a lot of gifts in $50-100 range, less in the $200+ range (and those are more likely to be cheques). Group gifts is a lot to expect of your friends, and you’re more likely to be judged as greedy for asking for an expensive gift. (I guess you get judged either way!)
I mean I basically think it’s all good either way – just don’t see the point in judging people for returning stuff if that makes sense for them.
Linda from HR
I haven’t found honeyfunds and wedding funds “tacky,” but I’m a millennial living in the northeast, so it might be a regional and/or generational thing. My friend who recently got married had a page on The Knot that listed the two registries alongside the “fund” option, it seemed fine to me.
Anon
I’m 24 and find them incredibly tacky
Anon
I’m a northeast millennial, and they’re horrendous.
Anon
I would do an amazon registry (which allows you to add things from other sites). If you want cash, don’t register for too much- but *do* register for things for your shower. You won’t get cash for your shower.
Anon
A store so you can return in person. I suggest Bloomingdales, Bed Bath & Beyond and Crate & Barrel
Anon
Looking at the responses here, if you decide to go with a honey fund / cash grab, know that fully 50% of your guests are giving you side-eye about it.
Anonymous
I’m in my late 20s and definitely side-eye honeyfunds. If you really want cash, the appropriate thing to do is create a small registry of the physical stuff you really want. It will sell out quickly and people will get the hint and give you cash.
Keep in mind that if you’re having a shower, you need to have at least as many physical registry gifts as shower attendees, and preferably a few more because some people may want to get you two smaller things. People do not typically give cash at a shower.
Anonymous
I will never get this. Registering small so that people will get the hint to give cash – that is still asking for cash. It is more subtle (and subject to misunderstanding), but the intent is exactly the same. It says “I would prefer cash”. If one is more tacky than the other, how is it the honest, direct way, and not the thinly veiled one?
If anything, the registry option always seems be the one that says entitlement. Instead of treating gifts as ‘it’s the thought that counts’, a registry says ‘appropriate gift value starts at this amount’.
Cookie
I would keep a registry for physical items for people that want to give physical gifts plus a “HoneyFund.” If you actually have some nice items already, you can keep the physical registry small and register for gift cards. Beware though, my friend got married earlier this year and a lot of people went off registry.
Meg March
We loved Zola for our fall 2016 wedding and had no problems with it.
TBK
Okay, I just got a new job with a sizeable pay bump (yay!). I want to upgrade a few things in my closet and need help. Mostly I want some good bras, and some good hanging around the house/athleisure-type stuff. These are the things I’ve always skimped on and it’s time to step up my game. What are the best bra brands? I’m on the small side (B cup-ish), so it’s more about not having gaping cups than anything else. I want a good fit, good construction (i.e., it will last and not be stretched out in five wearings), smooth under my clothes, with some pretty details. Ideas? On the athletic wear side, I bought a pair of Lucy Hatha pants back in the day — let’s just say they’re boot cut and leave it at that — that are still going strong, although very out of style. They’re my gold standard. The fabric is thick enough to smooth me out, without being uncomfortable. They still look great after a million washes. And my husband likes how they look from the back. Where should I shop? Is Lululemon the best option? Or are there other brands I should try? Honestly I may wear them for working out at some point, but I have some stuff I like for working out. This is more for after I take off my work clothes in the evening. Comfortable, but not total frumpland. Help?
Anonymous
Soma.
Anon
Ooh, have you gone down the A Bra That Fits rabbit hole? It’s a redd1t sub. They have a five measurement system and then once you have your measurements, you look at their shape guide, and then the forum will give you suggestions on bras to try.
I turned out to be a G cup in UK sizing (I had been wearing a DD, big difference) so my bras were not easy to find. I ordered a lot of bras through amazon prime with free returns and finally found the bra that fit right. I love it. I have multiples of it in various colors.
You may be thinking a B cup doesn’t need the same attention but I would disagree. First, you might not be a B cup at all. Second, if you’re having gaps at the top of the bra, you may have a bottom heavy shape and need bras that work for that. The ladies on the ABTF sub will get you all fixed up.
For lounge/leisure clothing I really like Soma. I think they have gorgeous basics. I tend to wear a sleep cami and pajama pants from the cool nights collection and then a retired cardigan from my work collection around the house. This time of year I’m partial to a cashmere cardigan. :) I feel very fancy in all of this.
If you’re leaning more toward leggings/big sweater combos for loungewear, I’d check out Athleta.
Anonymous
I’m a former DDD who got fitted as a GG in UK sizing! What bra brands do you like? I really prefer wire free bras, which are extremely hard to find at my size.
Nerfmobile
I’m also a large cup size! I’ve also learned a few things about my shape – for instance, full-cup bras don’t work for me, nor do balconette – plunge bras are by far the best. Something to do with the spacing between my breasts, I believe. My favorite bras these days are from Elomi.
Anon
I like Elomi a lot but that is particular to my b00bs. I learned I have wide roots so I like the wider wire in the Elomi.
Anon
I just read you want wire-free. To be honest I haven’t seen any of those in my/our size unless you want to go old school and buy the playtex in the box ones from sears or something.
But maybe you just need the right wires. I HATED wired bras when I was wearing a DD cup but it turned out that I was wearing both the wrong size and the wrong shape of wires.
For instance, Cleo (a UK brand) makes bras my size but I can’t wear them because the wires are straight up and down U shapes and the sides toward my underarms rest on breast tissue, and also poke my armpits (torture).
The Elomi wires are more of a relaxed U, basically as if the top of the U is spread out a little, and they do not bug me at all.
Jules
Late to the thread, but I’m also a GG in UK sizes. Measuring myself using the advice on the Reddit page was a game-changer for me; now I actually think I look good in a bra, which I never ever did before.
I think it will be hard to find wire-free in this size (36GG for me). My favorites, which are pretty comfortable – but you won’t mistake them for, say, sleeping bras or camisoles – are Panache brand, specifically Andorra and Envy styles, which are both balconettes. I got mine at Bare Essentials, but Amazon also has some.
Anonymous
I’d go to a professional bra fitter to make sure you actually know your size. They will have nice brands at an independent bra shop, too. I’ve been fitted several times in life after weight changes, and once I get over a typically older woman helping me, its actually kind of nice being fussed over, and I always look 10 lbs thinner after getting a properly fitting bra.
Diana Barry
I would go to Nordstrom and get fitted for br*s to get your size. Personally I have a few Nordstrom-approved ones (ie Natori Feathers) but then most of the ones I actually wear are Sp*nx bc they are VERY comfortable and not as tight across the band.
Elegant Giraffe
Exact same here! Go to Nordstrom – so helpful! I have Natori and Spanx bras – all great.
Tech Comm Geek
I agree. Go to Nordstrom’s and ask for the bra fitter most experienced with your general size. This changed my life. Even though the bras which fit me properly are more expensive, because they fit properly and are of good quality, they last much longer.
Anon
Go to a private bra boutique (in DC, Coup de Foudre is excellent) or Bloomingdale’s for a fitting. Do not go to just any old department store. You want a truly great fitting. Brands really are individual – what fits me may not fit you – I love Chantelle but other brands at that price point simply don’t fit or flatter – it’s all individual. Once you’re fitted, buy just one or two and see how they wear and wash and how you like them. THEN go stock up on more. Hint: Nordstrom Rack has the good brands (often in strange colors) for good discounts.
My house/athleisure stuff tends to be mostly from TJ Maxx, though I have some things I love from LL Bean and Lands End (really!). A cashmere cardigan, leggings, and a top is generally my go-to uniform.
NOLA
I went to Coup de Foudre in DC and it was a wonderful experience! The French lady was soooo helpful!
Anonymous
Thirding Coup de Foundre!
Constant Reader
Athleta does a nice line in athleisure and their stuff is pretty high quality construction and fabric. I’ve been living in their Midtown Ankle Pants for a year (multiple pairs in different colors) and I get lots of compliments. They have other models and fabrics that fit that wardrobe niche.
Anon
I would be cautious and only upgrade the stuff that REALLY needs upgrading. If your Lucy pants still work for you, use those. I fell into the trap of upgrading when I earned more and then realized I was not saving money or working towards my goals anymore. Of course some stuff that’s on its last legs will need to go, but just be careful with spending because buying athleisure can drain a bonus realllyyyyyy quickly.
Anonymous
I do classic pajamas and nightgowns with nice robes for lounging, instead of athleisure; I like J Crew vintage pajamas with piping. One day I’ll get a real silk set. It’s nice to still feel put together around the house.
Coach Laura
No clothing help but congrats on the new job and pay bump.
Hawaii?
I’m thinking about planning a 7-day trip to Hawaii some time this fall (October or November, possibly). I’m not really sure which island I should be looking at, and I’d love some recommendations. Is 7 days too long to stay in one place on one island? Also, any sight-seeing or restaurant recommendations would be greatly appreciated. I’m not looking for a super active trip – I’m most interested in relaxing. TIA!
Anon
I love Hawaii. I don’t think 7 days is too long at all – every time I’m there I think i could spend the rest of my life there so
I’ve done the resort thing at Maui, the big island and Kauai, and my favorite island by far is Kauai because it’s so beautiful and laid back, but my favorite resort was the Hyatt in Maui (Lahaina, in the Kaanapali Beach Area) because the beach was better there.
With 7 full days you could conceivably do two islands – the flights between them are quick. Or land in Honolulu, spend a day or two there checking out Pearl Harbor and the north shore, and then head to your resort.
I’m envious. Have a great time!
Anon
7 days I’d definitely not too long! Personally I’d prefer to relax, unpack, and not have to move hotels, so I’d stick to one island and really lean into the laid back lifestyle. But it is enough time for two if you really want.
kauai
Spent 10 days in Kauai (Princeville, rented a condo) last Oct/Nov and it was fantastic. I did not island hop because I didn’t want to lose a half day to returning rental/flying/getting new rental/switching where I stayed. The island is very relaxed and laid back. The Hawaii revealed series of books (one for each island and I think there’s now an app) are helpful, or it least it was for Kauai. As far as restaurants go, it’s my understanding there can be quite a bit of turnover so it’s hard to make recommendations, but I definitely went to Hanalei Bread Co. multiple times both for bread to eat at my condo as well as casual dining. Also highly recommend a helicopter ride – doors off – from Jack Harter – it’s a great way to see the island since you can only see about 15% of it via car. Hope this helps!
anon
If I were you, I’d get a book about Hawaii and read about the different islands to see what appeals to you. I’ve been twice; the first time I really wanted to see Volcano National Park, so the Big Island it was. It was an amazing trip. The second time, I went to Kauai. It was also amazing and completely different. We spent about 8 days at both and it was the perfect amount of time.
Anon
This past summer DH and I did 7 days on Kaui. We spent half the time staying on the North Shore and half the time in the South. For us it was great because we could still do a ton of stuff, but at a slightly more relaxed pace, which was perfect for us because we wanted activities + some time to chill on the beach. We LOVED our trip! Both sides of the island are very different so I’d suggest splitting your time.
Previously I’d been on a 10 day trip to Maui + the Big Island with my family. I think if we had done two islands in 7 days it might have been a bit much, but it really depends on the pace at which you like to vacation.
Anon
I highly recommend the Revealed series of guidebooks (Maui Revealed, Oahu revealed, etc.). They are far and away the best guidebooks I’ve ever used. You may be able to locate old copies at a used bookstore to flip through and help you decide which island(s) to visit – then buy the most recently updated version of the book(s) and/or iphone app(s) before your trip.
Anon
Also wanted to say that if you really only want to relax, depending on where you live, I don’t think it is worth schlepping all the way to Hawaii. There are lots of other places in the Caribbean, Mexico, etc. (if you aren’t concerned about Zika)
Anon
Disagree with this. I guess it depends on where you’re starting but I’m in SF and flying to Hawaii is about the same as flying to NYC, actually slightly quicker.
I don’t go to Mexico due to being risk averse about the crime situation there. I know it’s rare but if you do get caught up in it, it can be really hard to get any help. You’re not in the US!
Anonymous
I think many parts of Mexico are perfectly safe and have had great experiences at resorts there, but I agree with you that, from the West Coast, Hawaii is easier to reach than the Caribbean and there’s nothing wrong with going to Hawaii to just chill out.
Anonymous
With 7 days, I wouldn’t try to do two of the “big three” (Maui, Kauai, and Big Island). You’d only have 3 days in each place once you factor in travel time and I think that would be too rushed. I do think it would be doable to spend 24-48 hours in Honolulu and then have 5 full days on one of the other islands, especially since you might have to do a layover in Honolulu anyway.
Nessie
I’ve spent 7 days on the Big Island and 7 days on Maui around the same time of year that you want to go. It’s a great length of vacation, and I’d only do one island. I booked the trips through Costco, and they were relatively inexpensive, especially because October and November are their low season. Be prepared for some of the hotels to be renovated around that time. It didn’t end up being too disruptive, but it’s something to keep in mind.
I second the Revealed series of guide books, they’re very helpful. There’s also Gypsy guides, which does a phone GPS activated tour. We did it for the Road to Hana and it was awesome.
Styling suggestions?
While in France last week, I bought this dress. I thought it would be perfect for nice-casual (restaurants, concerts) in the spring/summer, but now I’m not sure what to wear it with. Is it too boho for leather belt and flats and a black blazer? Thanks for any ideas!
https://www.lafeemaraboutee.fr/fr/robe-droite-imprime-abstrait-29999.html
Anon
I think it would look fine with leather flats and a blazer. H ave you tried the combo and not liked it?
Anonymous
Thanks for the vote of confidence! I tried it with leather flats, and yes, it looked a little off to me — kind of stiff.
I feel like I should be leaning into the vibe of the dress, with accessories that further the vibe rather than counterbalancing it. Maybe my problem is that I’m not sure exactly what the vibe is — I said “boho” before but that’s not exactly right.
givemyregards
+1 for a black blazer. I have one – and I think this style has a specific name that I can’t think of that the moment – that doesn’t have a button, has sort of rounded edges in the front and is sort of…drapey? That I think would look great with this dress. I think basically you’re aiming for a lighter fabric blazer/topper that has an ease similar to the dress. A blazer that’s too structured will look off, I think.
givemyregards
adding: for shoes, I think this is a good time to pull out a pair of black ballet flats if you still have some, or black ankle booties with a heel? This is actually one of the few things I think would look really cute with black peep toe booties.
Anonymous
Thank you! You’re saying to look for accessories that are sort of chunky-chic, is that right?
givemyregards
This is sort of what I was thinking shoe-wise: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/vince-camuto-fileana-split-shaft-bootie-women/4623535?origin=topnav&cm_sp=Top%20Navigation-_-Women-_-Booties&offset=2&top=72&color=%27Black%27
or something maybe like this in warmer weather:https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/vince-camuto-catina-sandal-women/4711388?origin=topnav&cm_sp=Top%20Navigation-_-Women-_-Booties&offset=2&top=72&color=%27Black%27&page=2
I think suede shoes would look nice with this, since it’s a little softer than leather and won’t contrast as much with the flowy fabric (as you mentioned about your leather flats before).
Anonymous
That makes a lot of sense! Thanks!
Rainbow Hair
Deposition clothing query! I thought it was generally accepted that you don’t wear a suit to a deposition (usually – of course there are exceptions). Like, blazer and a dress, yes, but full matchy suit, no. Especially if you’re, say, the associate assisting the partner defending the deposition, and the deponent is not a particular hotshot in the case. BUT! In this bout of depositions I’m in the middle of, everyone has been wearing suits? Is it because they’re men? (Even the men I used to work with didn’t suit up for deps…)
I mean, since everyone is wearing suits, I’ll be wearing suits, but I’m a bit surprised.
Anonymous
I always wear a suit and everyone else usually is.
Anon
I don’t think suits are required for depositions the way they are for court, but I’ve always worn one and have never felt out of place. It helps me not be mistaken for the court reporter.
That said, I think most anything with a jacket – or even a professional dress with sleeves and no jacket – is 100% fine for most depos.
new job who dis
I don’t look at the no-suit thing as a *style* or attitudinal rule.
I always observe it as a “I’d like to be as comfortable as possible for this time period” rule. if that means a suit, a sheath with jacket, a suit that I don’t touch the jacket with, etc. whatever. That’s what I roll with.
Anonymous
I was shocked when I read here that people don’t wear suits to depositions. That has never been my experience – all the attorneys (men and women) at ever deposition I have been at have been in suits (the only time I have seen a women at a deposition without a suit was when an opposing counsel was 8 mts preg. – understandable). And, for what it’s worth, I’ve taken depositions at numerous places across the US.
Anonymous
I did litigation in Silicon Valley for several years (as an associate at a large law firm) and always wore a suit, regardless of whether I was actually taking the deposition or just assisting a partner. I would say 90% of the attorneys I saw in depositions were also in suits. As a young woman who looked even younger than I was, I liked the added gravitas it gave me. I definitely wore “fun suits” that I would not have worn to federal court and I did not wear pantyhose with skirt suits.
Rainbow Hair
HUH. My former boss, in Chicago, was anti-suit-at-deposition to the point where it was something like “and don’t let me see you in a suit!”
Though upon further reflection, it’s not like everything else he taught me was correct…
Anon
That’s funny. What was his reasoning?
I think its hilarious how people create their own rules (“You must wear a suit at a depo!” “Never ever wear a suit to a depo!”) and then try to impose them on everyone around them. It’s super confusing especially for people who are new and don’t know what to believe.
anon
I don’t think there’s a “rule” one way or another, but in the SEUS where I am a good percentage of people don’t wear suits. I’ve even heard partners say that you know an attorney is a newbie if they show up to a depo in a suit. I find suits to be extraordinarily uncomfortable and hate hate hate wearing them when I’m sitting all day. I recently pledged to myself that whenever I felt it was appropriate I would just wear a comfortable but professional dress and a jacket or cardigan. Depos are exhausting enough without suffering through wardrobe induced discomfort. But, I would wear one if I expected that everyone else would be or if I wanted to look particularly put together/fancy that day.
Rainbow Hair
I think that this was my former boss’s logic — I would look like I didn’t know I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to wear a suit… and that if you have to sit in a d*mn chair for 7 hours, you might as well be comfortable.
team suits
I’ve had depositions in multiple states and most attorneys seem to wear suits…. the most casual I’ve ever seen have been here in my home state (Iowa) where there are some personal injury attorneys who I can count on to wear jeans…in which case I would show up in a dress or something business casual. But in general suits seem to be accepted most places.
Never too many shoes...
Canadian, but generally everyone is in a suit at discoveries, or at the very most casual I would wear a dress but with a blazer.
I remember a senior associate getting called out by a more senior member of the Bar for not wearing a tie once.
Anonymous
I would wear the suit to be comfortable. I see women in suits or separates. I like suits because its a no brainer. I don’t have to match anything, just put it on and I’m good to go. I also have comfortable, well fitting suits.
AlexisFaye
We roll with blazers and jeans. But we’re in patent litigation, and plaintiffs’ side.
Anon
Me too. I’m often a witness (long story) and my attorney says to wear something comfortable. He does not recommend a suit for depos. Court yes. Arbitrations yes. Depos no.
Anonymous
Witnesses are totally different. I’m one of the attorneys who said above that almost everyone wears suits. But I wasn’t including the witnesses in that. I saw lots of witnesses in jeans although we usually told our witnesses to wear something like khakis and a button down shirt if the depo was being video recorded. We never would have suggested they wear a suit even though all of us were.
Gail the Goldfish
I think it varies and everyone has a personal opinion on this, which depends in part on who’s being deposed and your general approach to a deposition (are you trying to be a little imposing? More approachable? Deposing a CEO of a major company or personal injury plaintiff? Etc). I usually wear a suit just because it makes packing easier, but have also done the dress or pants +nonmatching blazer route.
Annual Review-Pregnant
I have my annual review coming up this week and was planning to announce my pregnancy to my boss right after. Is this a bad idea? I’m current 17 weeks and already showing to the point where I’ve gotten stares. Alternatively, I would wait another 2 weeks until our regular catch up meeting. What’s the best option?
Anon
Are you asking whether you should wait until after your review? Or generally whether 17 weeks is a good time to announce?
Anonymous
I think it’s fine to announce to your boss at your annual review and if you’re visibly showing I don’t see what you have to gain by delaying further.
anon
I would wait until a week or so after. Don’t associate the two events together.
Elegant Giraffe
I think this is completely your call. Announce when you want to announce. As a manager, both annual review and regular check-in make sense to me. If your annual reviews usually include “ok so here are some goals for the next 9 – 12 months,” then it might seem a bit…off?…to go through that entire conversation and then later announce your pregnancy. But I still think this is totally up to your personal preferences.
Anon
I wouldn’t combine the two. Pop into your boss’s office and tell him/her today. Or do it at your next 1:1 if you have one before the review.
I wouldn’t link the review and the disclosure, for better or worse.
Diana Barry
+1, do it before the review.
Wedding Hair?
My sister is getting married and wants everyone to go together and get their hair done. I have curly hair and have had nothing but bad experiences with stylists I’ve never seen trying to give me wedding hair. Does anyone have any clever advice for a style that’s 1) fairly idiot-proof on curly hair and 2) basically on trend? I don’t do straight hair, so the “big shiny blowout” is out.
anon
Something with a braid?
Linda from HR
Assuming you’re in the wedding party, has the bride expressed a preference of up vs. down? You could try a chignon, or some other sort of updo. If your sister is flexible on salons, could you request she find a salon with a curl expert who can do your hair?
Anonymous
how about a pretty updo with your naturally curly hair like this? http://community.behindthechair.com/photo/shellybertelli-hairandmakeup-com-14?context=latest
shopping ban
I’m thinking about trying to make it through a year without buying any clothes or shoes for myself. I have a variety of motivations for this, which will help. But I would be happy to hear what worked for other people to make it through the year. I’m thinking of really going through my closet and putting away/giving away things that don’t work right now, so it’s easier to find something to wear and I won’t have the “I have no tops to wear!” experience. I’m also planning to do laundry more often so I always feel like I have something to wear. I was considering giving myself a really small budget to get 1-2 things throughout the year, but maybe cold turkey is better? Would love to hear what has worked for others.
Anonymous
I think it’s silly. I’m not a fan of pointless extremes instead of sensible moderation.
OP
I don’t feel like this is extreme, or pointless, in my case. I see it more as an opportunity and challenge.
Cat
I haven’t imposed a shopping ban on myself, but I started a spreadsheet to track how often I wear my clothes. I just populate it each day with the day’s outfit. I’m about a year in, and because I’m faced with just how many clothes I already have (the spreadsheet is getting unwieldy!) the thought of adding MORE to my closet isn’t as appealing. I haven’t purchased any new shoes, other than replacements of worn-out pairs that I threw out, since 2016!
CHS
I’ve made it three months without buying any clothes, so not the same level as a whole year, but what worked for me was identifying 12-15 outfits that worked for me for the season in my closet, putting them on post-its on my closet door, and literally rotating through them (I move the post-its from one door to the next when I wear them, until I’ve worked my way through all of them, then start over). I go in any order I want ( and I dress for my day), and can go off book if I’m so inspired by some other combination, but I have the post-its that I can fall back on and that takes no thinking in the morning. I’m sure there’s an app for this, but the visual/low-tech thing works for me.
Another thing – last year I spent a small fortune upgrading and downsizing my closet, if that makes sense. I went for quality over quantity, and took everything out that doesn’t fit/isn’t in style/I just could never make work. So basically this year is just about getting my ROI.
Anonymous
I think the commenter above was unkind. Rules and challenges work better for some people than moderation, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
There’s a NYT article you might have seen on Ann Patchett’s no-buy year:
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/15/opinion/sunday/shopping-consumerism.html
and there’s also a Reddit thread of people who are also severely limiting their clothing consumption in 2018:
https://www.reddit.com/r/femalefashionadvice/comments/7mpyif/no_buy_2018/
Good luck!
Calico
I did this last year. I’m a shopaholic so it was very challenging for me. I did allow myself an out- I was able to buy clothing secondhand. There is an incredible thrift store near me so every now and then I could scratch the itch but still walk away with only spending $40 or so, and usually much less. I also found a few items on eBay that met my secondhand requirement.
Overall, it opened my eyes to how much good clothing is available secondhand. Sure it’s not as easy as buying something off the rack, but I enjoy the thrill of the hunt. Saving money and being more sustainable were my goals.
Anonymous
I like your plan. Ime the first step is being more intentional about what’s in my closet. I’ve been guilty of having a stuffed closet but feeling like I have nothing to wear – too many things don’t fit or aren’t in great condition or don’t go together, it’s emotionally exhausting to put together an outfit. It was scary to get rid of all that stuff because I had so little left. So step 2 was filling those gaps with quality pieces that I feel good about. Now I try to only buy something new if it’s a replacement or maybe a trend I’ve seen for a while and really like.
Baconpancakes
I didn’t even make it through January without breaking my shopping ban, but it was for shoes to fill a gaping hole in my wardrobe, so *shrug*
I did find that I’m second-guessing my purchase desires, so I’m definitely buying less by being on a “shopping ban” that isn’t really a ban. I’m limiting my purchases to things that will fix a really annoying problem, though, like a really supportive sports bra or booties to wear in the cold and wet weather, and I’m writing down all the things I don’t really need, like new perfume, fun loafers, or a new swimsuit.
If you do better with bans vs. moderation, and you don’t think there are any legit holes in your wardrobe, go for it. I found the worksheets and thought process from the StyleBee blog to be really helpful in reframing my attitude towards my clothes.
OP
Thank you! This is all super helpful, and I really appreciate all the tips.
Anonymous
I’ve done this one and off for most of the last two years. What really helped me was mentally removing the possibility of purchasing something new. The options were “wear what you have, or don’t go” – and since going to work wasn’t an option… Biggest challenge I had was for special occasions: I have around 5 “dressy” dresses, and I am getting tired of them, but none are wearing out or very off trend. So I keep wearing them.
I have purchased new items when they wore out, such as exercise gear and swimsuits where the elastic died, but no work clothes.
Most of my motivations are environmental/minimalist, so visualizing all of the clothes that get wasted in the US every year was a very good motivator for me.
C
I need a new concealer, preferably drugstore. Primary concerns are under eyes with the occasional small acne spot. I’ve tried the Mabelline instant age rewind and hated it. What drugstore concealers do you like? And how do you apply them?
Anon
What did you dislike about the Maybelline?
C
Something about the applicator didn’t work for me. I couldn’t get it targeted to the places I wanted and then had to blend out so much that it didn’t actually conceal much.
AnotherAnon
I’ve ripped the sponge off of a few of my instant age rewinds and just used the little nozzle underneath. It really helps.
Alternately, Maybelline Fit me and Catrice Liquid Camouflage both have doe foot applicators and are really nice
C
I’ve been using Maybelline Fit me foundation and like it, so that concealer sounds like it could work for me! Thanks!
Anonymous
No advice for drugstore concealer as I use NARS (totally worth the money). But the best way to apply concealer imo is to lightly pat with your ring finger to apply and then use a Beauty Blender to blend.
K
The Real Techniques Sponge (the orange one) is also a great drugstore dupe for the Beauty Blender at a fraction of the price.
Lorelai Gilmore
I love Benefit Boing concealer. I have the same problem you do with the Maybelline, and the Benefit stuff is exactly the opposite. It is super opaque, so it really actually conceals and it blends easily.
I like the NARS stuff too, but it’s less opaque.
cat socks
I like L’Oreal try match. I blend it in with a small, flat brush or my finger.
Leave Payback Policy?
Has anyone ever dealt with a maternity leave policy that requires you to come back for a certain period of time or repay the costs of your leave?
I’d never plan to collect leave and then not come back, but my firm requires you to stay a full year after your return or pay them back. I’m not very happy here, and while I’m not keen on job hunting while pregnant (or necessarily ready to leave immediately), the prospect of being stuck for a year and a half if things don’t improve is bumming me out.
Anonymous
Then save up now and plan to be able to pay them back!
Cat
I think these policies aren’t uncommon, but I’ve never ever seen them enforced.
Leave Payback Policy?
This is what I’m hoping, especially since I’d come back but just might leave before the year is up.
I’d honestly never seen or heard of this kind of policy before, so am feeling a little bit taken aback by it.
Anonymous
Probably doesn’t apply to your situation but this is common in Canada when companies pay the ‘top up’ from the public insurance paid maternity benefit to the full salary. It’s a year’s ‘top up’ to full pay and usually you have to stay a year or pay it back. Having to stay a year for a three month top up seems like a lot.
You could always take the pay, bank it and earn the interest, and then you’d have it to pay back if necessary or to use towards another big expense once the pay back period ended.
Anon
Not in Canada, unfortunately. I get 12 weeks paid, which is pretty much market standard in my field/area (though the repayment requirement is absolutely not.)
The idea of basically taking a 25% pay cut by paying back my entire leave is depressing, but I guess plenty of people don’t get paid leave.
SC
Depending on what type of job you’re looking for next, you might be able to negotiate a signing bonus that helps you pay back your maternity leave.
But, yeah, I’d save some money for the possibility that you’ll have to pay back your salary during your leave.
Anonymous
Is part of your leave covered by short term disability and the firm pays you the difference to bring you to your full salary? If so, that may decrease the payback amount a little.
NOLA
It’s fairly common in academia to have to stay a year after sabbatical. That said, my university often waives the rule.
Coach Laura
Many companies have these type of policies for tuition reimbursement and my experience is that they are often waived. Especially if you leave nine months after as opposed to six weeks. Maybe you’ll be ok further out after your return. You might also look into the legality of it especially considering federal FMLA and your state or city-specific FMLA if applicable. Do people have to pay back leave after back surgery or hernia repair? IANAL and I’m just noodling ideas so something to look into.
Anonymous
My employer does this. I knew one person who wasn’t sure if she was going to stay a year (may have to move for spouse’s job) and she banked the money and eventually paid back a prorated agreed upon amount after she left. They worked with her to prorate because she had given them a heads up that this could happen and indicated that she would want to return if the family was able to move back. I haven’t known anyone personally, but I’ve heard that others have been made to pay back the remaining amount. Not sure what they would do if someone refused, but I wouldn’t want to find out.
Anon
You should try looking into pro-rating the payback. You can even negotiate something along the lines of 100% payback if you leave within six months, and then slide down to 0% from there. Also look into negotiating the circumstances under which you could leave and not need to repay (eg., spousal death, family relocation, huge medical problems that necessitate a leave of absence).
Shoes!
Please shop for me!
I’ve been a wardrobe minimalist for a number of years and my work shoes consist of: black heels, nude heels, tan wedges, black booties, and tortoise-shell flats. I’m SO BORED. I need some color in my life and I think it’s going to come in the form of shoes.
What I’m looking for: Stacked heel pumps in 3 1/2 inches or less for less than $100 in a color that would go with my mostly black wardrobe.
I keep thinking that grey would be useful, but I’m not sure how they would look with black tights- I’m almost thinking that plum or dark green might be better? Pick for me! Please!
Anon
I may be in the minority but I think for a lighter colored shoe to look intentional with black, your tights also need to be lighter. If you’re leaning toward gray shoes, how about gray tights?
Anon
I have been reaching for a pair of wine colored shoes a lot this season. I find that they go really nicely with my neutral-focused wardrobe. Here’s a few pairs that look nice:
LK Bennet in Oxblood: https://www.zappos.com/p/l-k-bennett-sersha-oxblood-suede/product/8928413/color/69175
Cole Haan in plum suede: https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/cole-haan-claudine-pump/366819?activeColor=500
Another taller Cole Haan in burgundy: https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/cole-haan-alanna-pump/395590?activeColor=500
Baconpancakes
I know this isn’t helpful, but where are your tortoise flats from? I’ve been looking for those for AGES.
Shoes!
I got them from Asos about two years ago and will cry when they die. They’re pointy toed and the perfect ‘I need flats in my office just in case’ shoes.
Baconpancakes
Aw darn. Thanks though!
Constant Reader
I have wardrobe preferences like yours (mostly black, with some navy and dark grey) and I’ve found that a pewter or textured silver shoes are a lot easier to wear (gunmetal is the holy grail color). There are a lot of shades of grey look bluer or browner and I find that I ended up not wearing my grey shoes because the color wasn’t quite right. There is something about metallic, especially textured metallic, that lends itself to a wider color spectrum, and the darker it gets, the less it clashes or pops out in undesirable ways against black tights. Some bronze, copper, or gold shoes (again, textured, darker) might also work in the same way.
The trick is finding something that isn’t super shiny, otherwise it looks like a party shoe.
https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/search?query=pewter+heels
Not a fan of the styling, but this one is a good versatile color https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2186828/easy-spirit-rolanda-metallic-pump-wide-width-available?color=PEWTER%20LE
Not a stacked heel, but I saw this in person and I may have to get it as it is the textured gunmetal color that I’ve found so useful: https://www.zappos.com/p/calvin-klein-gabrianna-steel-saffiano-leather/product/8613103/color/627569
Out of your price range and a loafer, but this is a good example of the color I’m talking about: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/summit-julia-loafer-pump-women/4742975?offset=2&top=72&flexi=60193190_60193192&flexi=60200450_60202204&color=%27Metallic%27
Snakeskin also has some of the same qualities, depending on the actual colors.
Second the recommendation for oxblood/wine/plum too.
Dread-filled
My SO and I have been talking about getting married for a few months, and we decided we want to last night. I find myself filled with dread. I want to _be_ married to my best friend, and I want to _have_ a nice wedding, but the thought of planning one just fills me with all sorts of gross feelings about caving to patriarchal traditions tha t make me vaguely uncomfortable and other people’s expectations and spending my time making decisions about things I do not give a flying f about. And then there’s the family drama. Oh lord the family drama.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Maybe tips on how to plan a wedding when you hate planning parties and your usual approach to having them is sending out an email saying “party is at x time, I will have y food, bring something to contribute if you want to, or not if you don’t, it’s all good, let’s just have a good time”? Maybe tips on what a wedding should look like when you’re both atheists and the ceremony part isn’t really that important but you think maybe having one would be good? Or maybe just reassurance from someone else who hates this stuff and managed to have a wedding and not die of conflicting emotions.
Anonymous
Just buy the A Practical Wedding book. What you want is completely possible.
Anon
+1 to A Practical Wedding. We cobbled together our atheist ceremony from suggestions in several posts and it was amazing. What it looked like: One of our best friends officiated. We walked down the aisle to the Proclaimer’s played by a family member (slow acoustic for the processional, rocking dance party for the way out). The reading was from Kennedy’s opinion on gay marriage and how marriage is a civic institution. We vowed to challenge each other and grow with each other.
I too HATE planning. The trick was to have a small wedding and not invite people because we felt like we should. You do not “owe” plus ones, you do not “owe” inviting your aunt who has never said anything nice. On the family drama front, we managed it by asserting Total and Unquestioned Control over the actual ceremony and reception, but agreeing to have no control over smaller, no-gifts receptions hosted by each side of the family in their hometowns at a later date. We set a budget and then showed up and smiled.
The best tip we got in planning is to sit down with each other and decide what you want out of a wedding and what things are most important to you–a sort of wedding mission statement. For us, we wanted to feel like we actually got to spend time with the people we loved, eat good food, and drink excellent booze. Every time wedding/budget creep started, we had a “vision” to check against. If it didn’t add to achieving that, it wasn’t a priority.
Anon
A Practical Wedding is THE BEST.
Anon
Have you thought about eloping?
Anon
Never mind, I missed the part where you said you want a wedding, sorry!
anon
You don’t have to have a wedding, you know. You can elope and it’s totally fine. Or have a courthouse wedding and dinner or casual party later.
BB
+1 I know you say you _want_ a wedding, but maybe think about what aspects of it you do want and figure out how to get those? Like if you really just want your friends to have a big party for you, just throw a big party, no ceremony involved!
Rainbow Hair
This this this! Once we really talked about the things we wanted and the things we didn’t care about, it became much less daunting. Like, for us, the Want List was, “vows in front of immediate family only; some pretty pictures of us and our families; opportunity to host friends in new city; great food and beer.” The Don’t Want List was pretty much everything else: “getting family/friends involved as anything other than guests, telling people what to wear, fanciness, a DJ, cake.” (Not saying this is or should be your list, but it was ours.) Then we figured out how to get the things that we wanted while avoiding the things we didn’t want. It turned out to be a tiny elopement on a weekday (with a lovely photographer at a discount price because of the timing) and then a big ol’ bash with an ipod playlist the following weekend.
Anon
I felt a little bit this way. The amount of judgment surrounding wedding choices just filled me with dread- I hated feeling like people were going to be talking behind my back about the time of year, the venue, etc. Even though it was probably irrational, it made planning a lot less fun. I ended up delegating a lot of it to my sister, who is more of a planner than I am.
Boston Legal Eagle
Hire a wedding planner. Best money we spent on our wedding. She did all the work of finding the vendors, presenting options, hiring them, etc. We didn’t do too many “traditional” wedding things – we just wanted a nice party for friends and family. Our ceremony was under 30 min with a justice of the peace. We told our wedding planner all of this and she did exactly that.
As for family drama, I would suggest limiting the amount of money you take from them for this wedding – it’s your party, you get to decide what it looks like. This will be true for your marriage and your future, so good to start creating boundaries now.
Dread-filled
How did you find the planner? I’ve heard from others that this is money well spent but have no idea how to find someone.
Boston Legal Eagle
I think we looked on Yelp for planners with good reviews in the city we wanted to get married in (which was different than where we live). She had great reviews and had a nice website, and we got lucky that she ended up being great. We also spoke to a few others but felt they were too into the traditional huge wedding scene so didn’t go with them.
Dread-filled
Thank you!
Anonymous
+1
I found mine on A Practical Wedding, so she was very comfortable with the non-traditional aspects we wanted. Even if budget doesn’t allow a planner for the full duration, you may be able to do an ala carte sort of thing — someone to help short list the vendors then come back a month before to co-ordinate everything.
Anonymous
+1 on limiting the money you take from family members. I’m regretting taking money from my parents for mine. It was supposed to be a no-strings-attached gift, and yet we’re fighting about the guest list because we have different definitions of what counts as a small wedding.
Elegant Giraffe
I can help! Because I just did this – atheists where the ceremony didn’t matter. I didn’t care much about a ceremony at all, but my SO did. We found a very nice restaurant that had private rooms. We invited only close family – guest list was 15 – and no children. We asked a family member to get ordained on the internet and marry us. We found a secular ceremony script (there are a million you can google) and added our own twist with our vows. Ceremony lasted 10 minutes, then we had a very nice dinner as a family, then it was over. I actually think I was home and in my pajamas by 9:30 PM.
What else should I tell you? Let’s see…oh, I learned that restaurants usually only charge for the food, not the event space or the other stuff traditional wedding venues will charge for. I ordered a grocery store cake and had it delivered the afternoon of. The same grocery store delivered a few bouquets of flowers for the table. Oh but you can still go to bakeries and do free wedding cake tastings ;)
There’s a blog called Honeystuck. She got married about a year ago in a similar fashion. I recommend googling that.
I can’t help with the family drama. It sucks. It happens. I gave into some of it (like ordered flowers because my mother seemed to think it would make a big difference in how “nice” the evening felt) and ignored some of it.
Dread-filled
I had thought about renting out a restaurant actually, I’m glad to hear this worked well for you! Did you choose the restaurant based on food you liked or space you liked or both?
Elegant Giraffe
Good question. I started by choosing based on food…and then I realized that those restaurants weren’t well suited to any sort of private party (they didn’t have a separate room), etc. So then I looked at several very high-end restaurants in my area that had private rooms. One of those restaurants had an event coordinator who was used to planning big corporate dinners, anniversary or wedding rehearsal dinners, etc. We hadn’t eaten there before, so my SO and I went there for dinner on a random weeknight. And wouldn’t you know it, the high-end restaurant with the excellent reputation had excellent food :) So I stopped looking and booked that.
I think that would be another piece of advice I would offer you: be OK with “good enough.” It will save you a lot of stress. Who cares what color the table linens are? It sounds like you probably don’t, so don’t spend time thinking about it.
Elegant Giraffe
Response in moderation – come back!
ALX emily
I did this too (but hired a professional secular officiant), mainly because I really wanted to have delicious food and partly because I didn’t want to do any planning work. We lived in a medium city at the time so it was pretty easy to think of options – I thought through places that had good food and had private rooms or a space small enough to buy out for the event, and then it turned out that one had a much nicer room and much more professional contact, so we went with that one. All we did for the dinner was pick the menu options to be given to our guests and pick which tier of wine/liquor we wanted; we also made a playlist to play from an ipod rather than the restaurant’s elevator music. It was easy and really fun and delicious! Highly recommend.
anon
We rented a room at a restaurant too. It’s great because you don’t have to coordinate a whole slew of vendors—they provide the food, and already have tables, chairs, dishes, etc.
Scarlett
I felt the same way (luckily, so did my now H). We “eloped” or as many have said, had a SMALL wedding (it was just us with 2 guests/witnesses each – no significant others). We got married at city hall & had dinner at a fancy restaurant after. It was complete perfection. 6 months later we did a dinner for 50 at a restaurant as a sort-of reception for our closest family & friends. We had various family issues to deal with & neither of us was interested in a traditional wedding, but we wanted to do something special. Personally, I would have been fine skipping the restaurant part, but I’m glad we did it.
On family drama, my best advice is to figure out what will work for you two & do that. Stay strong. Don’t discuss your plans with people who will care about them. I feel very strongly that your wedding is about you & your spouse & those are the only two opinions that matter.
Scarlett
PS – this site isn’t updating anymore, but it’s my favorite for wedding inspiration, esp for small weddings & they also have a lot of non-religious ceremony scripts. Here’s one of my favorites: http://snippetandink.com/delightful-at-home-wedding-in-virginia-meg-rue/
Ellen
I think this is why you actually are in a GOOD place. By getting to know him ahead of time, you should not have to many surprises about him. You are just NOT into the formality of weddings and plannings and having your hair poofed up and all of that! Me too. But more importantly, you should have already become familiar with his living habits (if he’s stayed overnight frequently, or lives with you), so that is a good thing. All to many times, we get wrapped up with a guy in our heads only to discover he is a slob, or does NOT flush the toilet or cleans up when he pees on the floor, etc., and that is a turn off for me, b/c I am VERY VERY clean and do NOT like a man who is a slob like my EX. DOUBEL FOOEY!
If I find a guy to Marry me, and I knew him mentally and physically for some time, I would still want a nice wedding, but if he didn’t, I would understand and be fine marrying him in City Hall and then telling people that we were MARRIED afterward, as Grandma Leyeh is right. Just.Get.Married. She thinks that for me and my history with Sheketovits, the idea of wearing a white dress at my age is ridiculus! I agree!
Anonymous
if you don’t want to give into patriarchal traditions, then don’t. it’s a fun event for you to create.
don’t “change” your name to his. keep it. or ask him to change his name.
don’t have a father figure walk you down an aisle. have your mother figure join you. or walk yourself down.
don’t have icky readings about becoming one and taking humans and so on and so forth. read the gay marriage decision passages (Goodridge and Obergefell!)
Anonymous
Hire a wedding planner. This is how I felt, and once we had someone who knew what she was doing, it was easy. Best money we spent by a long shot.
Anonymous
Refreshed and saw your request above. To find one, Look at the listings for your area on A Practical Wedding and Offbeat Bride. General internet searches work as well, but those sites are more likely to point you to someone chill. Also maybe worth posted by your location and asking here, as people probably have recommendations. I do for sure if you are in DC.
Dread-filled
Possible wedding locations are Houston and Denver if anyone has recommendations.
JuniorMinion
Due to family drama I got married at city hall in houston and then took photos in sam houston park before dinner at the pass.
Even if you wanted to invite other people – I saw people with their whole families at city hall.
Sunflower
Get a private room at Brennan’s. I worked with Nicole Wilker, one of their private event coordinators, and she was fabulous.
Anonymous
I had a larger version of the wedding Elegant Giraffe describes: we had about sixty five people and held it in a library-themed bar. We had four courses and an open bar and spent less than $5000.
Anon’s description of worrying about people’s judgement was pretty much my experience too. To combat that, my spouse and I sat down and read about what’s absolutely necessary to have a “polite” wedding. The etiquette experts are surprisingly mellow on this subject. Basically, you need to give everyone every opportunity to be comfortable. That’s to say, you feed them if it’s a meal time. You make sure that there’s adequate seating and that no one’s going to be appallingly hot or cold or deafened by music they hate. You give your guests adequate notice of the ceremony so they can plan, and you don’t gift grub. That’s it. Anyone who thinks a wedding has to be something beyond that… has an opinion! Good for them!
There is a TON of patriarchal bee ess associated with weddings, and I’m 0% here for it. I’m also not super interested in having hours-long conversations with my nearest and dearest about why traditions are gross, so we found some ways around the biggest problems. For instance, I find walking down the aisle with your dad to be given away deeply, deeply gross. I find honoring my parents in the ceremony deeply meaningful, though, so we found other ways to involve them in the service, and that prevented the “but I’m not walking you down the aisle!” upset. In fact, the whole business of “look at this job I have for you, difficult family member” was really helpful. Someone has a lot of salty opinions on flowers, and you don’t care even a little. Boom. That person is now in charge of flowers.
Another thing that’s really helpful is remembering that weddings aren’t perfect days. Weddings are just… days. You have thousands and thousands more ahead of you and your spouse. Each of those matters as much as this one.
anon
Have your wedding and reception at a fancy hotel (Four Seasons, Magnolia, Hotel ZaZa, St. Regis, etc.). They are used to dealing with corporate events where no one really cares that much other than make it look good, and will have as close to a “wedding in box” as you can accomplish. Typically, they put you in touch with a planner to handle outside vendors and design, the menus on food and cake have a variety of options and you just need to pick one. If you don’t want to do a hotel, think about other locations that have events all the time.
Nerfmobile
See if you can track down a copy of “Weddings for Grownups”. It’s an older book (circa 2000) so you might take the style advice lightly. But the rest is good for thinking through alternatives.
Senior Attorney
Oh, yes! I used this for my second wedding and it was great!
Senior Attorney
https://www.amazon.com/Weddings-Grownups-Everything-Wedding-Expanded/dp/0811814211/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1516647827&sr=8-1&keywords=weddings+for+grownups
Anonny
Instead of a wedding planner, if your budget doesn’t allow (I didn’t find a decent one for less than $2500, and that’s the cheap end), just go for an all inclusive venue that will provide all the services (or provide a very defined list to select from). For mine, I booked an all inclusive, had three meetings to set décor and vendors and one cake tasting, a voila, a wedding! Was super easy.
BBLife
Go for an all-inclusive venue that will make the decisions for you, or provide a very limited list. I had three appointments with my venue and one cake tasting and showed up day of. Super simple.
Anon
Hi, wedding twin!
I am not an atheist and, if I get married, will have a religious ceremony. But I already have a lot on my plate and just don’t have the bandwidth to fret over place settings, the exact type of flower that would be oh-so-perfect, etc., and really object to managing other people’s expectations. I will be throwing a reception to be hospitable and to thank my guests for being there, not to show off how much money I can spend or how amazing my taste in freesias is.
My plan is to repeat: “We have decided to do something different” ad nauseum. No explanations, no excuses about budget, nothing.
(I am also the oddball on a family of people who throw $40,000 weddings, so it’s going to be super-fun to tell everyone that the what they consider to be “basic” is not going to be in the budget.)
Anon
If your wedding were just another email that said party at x time food will be y just like you said, except that you also got married at the party, would you be more comfortable?
After all, this is basically how most people got married before the wedding industry got its hands on all of us.
My cousin did this. She held a summer barbecue. Made sure her family would 100% be there, and then went inside and changed into a white dress, her husband into a dark suit, and they got married. I wasn’t there (I live far away) but i saw all the photos and it looked like the most relaxed, sincere, love filled wedding ever.
I am basically you
Also an atheist who wanted some sort of ceremony with all our friends and family there, but didn’t want to include any of the traditional bs. It’s totally possible to make it work! Our ceremony was super short and at the same location as the reception. We didn’t walk down the aisle. We just stood up front. No bridal party, no bouquet. We had a family member licensed to perform the marriage. As others have mentioned, I used some selections from gay marriage court cases on marriage as a civil institution. I wore a dress I loved, but it wasn’t a traditional white wedding dress.
For the rest of the wedding, my solution was to approach it as though I was just throwing a party for all the people we care about. In terms of throwing a party that’s not too stressful, I would basically avoid focusing on anything that isn’t food, booze, and music (and photography if that’s something you’re really into). A lot of what makes wedding planning stressful is the huge rabbit hole of pretty details that you can go down. We emailed invitations and then followed up with a hard copy card to some older relatives. Didn’t bother with a wedding website. We didn’t do a first dance or father/daughter dance or bouquet toss. We requested no gifts, and, failing that, a nice bottle of wine. We split writing the thank you notes, and I kept my last name.
For family drama, I didn’t ask anyone’s opinion (other than my partner, of course). I just confidently planned the wedding that I wanted and when family expressed reservations, I just hugged them and redirected into talking about how happy I was that they were able to come and how much it meant to me to have all the people I love there supporting me, etc. If they see you expressing anxiety and uncertainty, it’s like blood in the water and the sharks will start to circle.
Vegas_Wedding
Im so late to this, but I have to add a recommendation – Vegas! I was like you – super busy, living overseas, didn’t really “care” and the whole thing seemed horrible.
Vegas was great. I went to Ceasars, we had a nice, very short ceremony outdoors, then walked to a restaurant where we did food and unlimited bar, etc. Cupcakes instead of a cake…
It was a blast, all of our family and friends love Vegas, and it was def. a more scaleable budget than other places we looked at, for both us and our guests.
Cuyana hobo?
Thinking of buying the Cuyana Small hobo in blush. Thoughts? It’s a splurge for me-but I like to buy good handbags and use them for years. How versatile is the Blush for spring/summer as my only bag? I’m in SEUS so light colors are fine but I’ve never had a Blush colored bag. Size is good – bigger than my current ancient crossbody.
How well does this brand hold up? I’m seriously used to using the same bag (weekends only), forever…
Anon
Blush is super trendy right now. Who knows how long the trend will last, but when it’s over blush will look very dated. This has kept me from buying anything that I want to last for many years in blush. That being said, the Cuyana bag looks lovely.
Calico
I’ve been carrying my Cuyana bag every day for over year. I don’t baby it and it still looks like the day I got it. (but it is black, ymmv with a lighter color)
I feel the same way about blush that I do rose gold. I know it’s trendy right now and that it will fall out of trend. But you know what? I love it. Had rose gold been widely available 20 years ago (it wasn’t) I would have bought it then. Same thing with blush. I just love that color and would have bought it 20 years ago if it was available.
Anon
Seems like blush would get dirty easily for a long time purse.
SaddleSoap
I’m a saddle soap evangelist – if it’s finished leather saddle soap cleans it well and easily. Signed, Bought blush shoes on a whim and then had to figure out how to care for them.
Anonymous
Sorry for the late reply, but I have the exact bag. I’ve used it everyday since October and it looks as good as new. I think blush can be a year-round color, though. My winter coat is olive and it looks nice together to me!
Mary Lou Retton
Any recommendations for a good career book for new graduates in their first job? Overall, I am organized, and have a clear and transparent process for delegating and tracking team goals and tasks, but recently it seems like new hires need more coaching that it is feasible for me to give in weekly team and individual meetings. I find I can handle things like pep talks for imposter syndrome, training people not to come to meetings without a pad and paper to record action items, and the importance meeting deadlines. But I’m looking for a good resource to have available that covers making and prioritizing a to-do list, ‘managing up’ when deadlines or priorities need to be reworked, etc. Generally, how to be in the mindset that one’s role is doing all you can to help a project succeed – that coming to work and feeling busy all day is not really good criteria for assessing your own success.
Most of what I’ve found are big picture leadership books, and less ‘how to be a person with a job’ kind of books. Do y’all have any go-to resources?
Anon
Interested in this as well. I mentor college students and would like recommendations to give them.
Anonymous
I think Ask A Manager has a book coming out. Something like that? You could just direct them to her blog too. It’s a microcosm of the weird stuff that happens at work, which should help teach about professional norms.
MJ
Late reply, but I recommend Great on the Job, by Jodi Glickman. It’s about communication, but it really drills in the “how to get ahead by being proactive” mentality. She’s practical and helpful.
College Financial Aid
Any college financial aid experts here? My parents are interested in contributing to our (very young) child’s education in a significant way. However, they believe that if they just give us or our child money every year, that money will basically reduce dollar for dollar the amount of aid we receive from the school (and based on my spouse’s and my expected income and assets, the aid at a top private school is likely to be significant). Thus, my parents have expressed interest in just earmarking the money and paying large chunks of whatever our expected family contribution is when the time comes.
I guess I’m wondering – 1) are they correct that it will hurt us much more in the financial aid game if they give us the money now, 2) are there reasons not to do it this way that I’m missing? I realize that until we have the money they can change their minds but we trust them and this is also not going to stop us from saving for college independently. There are bequests for us and our child in their will in the event they both die before our child goes off to college.
Anonymous
1. kid is awfully young re getting in to a top private school
2. if you are that income-poor, why not give significant $ to you for acquiring / paying off your house? IIRC, house equity never counts against a kid. Stable home in good school district = much more valuable, esp. if they go to state U for free (etc.)
OP
I’m aware that we have no idea where our kid will go to school, but public school costs way less and we’re not necessarily interested in paying for a mediocre private school (we would certainly contribute something equivalent to the cost of State U, but probably not the full cost of attendance). So “top private school” is probably the only scenario in which we’re looking at a $500k+ expected cost of attendance.
We have a HHI of about $100k, so we are very comfortable in our LCOL. But our incomes are low from an Ivy League perspective (e.g., Stanford is free if you earn less than $125k). Our house is not very valuable (<$200k) and is actually fully paid off so that is not a concern. Our only big asset will be retirement accounts and I understand those are also sheltered although maybe not to the degree we will fund them – we will probably have at least $1M in retirement by the time our kid is college age.
Anonymous
in what scenario is a 4-year degree at a top private school $500k? You’re looking at $300k max, including room and board.
OP
Factoring in inflation, that is what the online calculators say it will be when our kid is 18. Of course our incomes will also go up commensurate with inflation and our savings will earn interest, so it’s not the same as having to set aside 500k today. But anyway, 300k vs 500k isn’t really the issue – the point is it costs several times what a public university costs – and the real point is we’d likely be eligible for significant aid at a top private school, even if we aren’t eligible for aid at a public school.
Anonymous
You will need to disclose all sources of money your child will have when they fill out the FAFSA/financial aid forms. Unless you lie, you’ll need to disclose the grandparents’ gift. Which will reduce the financial aid anyway. You’re basically trying to game the system, which is essentially taking money away from students who don’t have grandparents willing to pay for their education.
BBLife
Potential ethical issues aside, if Grandparents have saved and earmarked money, but you have not actually received it, that money is a hypothetical so I wouldn’t include it on financial aid forms anyway- anything can happen that results in you not receiving that money. It is best that they just save and earmark it, hopefully in an interest bearing account with child as death beneficiary (but not an education – specific account so it won’t be counted against you in financial aid forms).
Anon
I always agree with this sentiment when it comes to parents, but the problem is the dollar-for-dollar reduction in aid. Parental aid is assumed because if you didn’t, everyone’s parents would cry poor or say that they aren’t willing to spend the money. But grandparent aid is a gift to the *child*, not the university.
The grandparents may as well just keep their money, or donate it to a random university and get a tax write-off.
Anon
To put numbers to it:
Let’s say the OP’s kid gets into a school that costs $60,000 per year. The school determines that the parents can pay $20,000 per year, and then offers the following aid package: $35k in grants and $5k in loans.
Now let’s say the grandparents contribute $7k per year. The school adjusts its aid as follows: $28,000 grant and $5,000 in loans.
In that situation, the grandparents may as well just give money to the school and take the tax deduction, rather than indirectly funneling it through the kid. The kid still graduates with $20,000 in student loans, and the parents still pay just as much.
Anon
Why can’t the grandparents just pay the $20,000 parental contribution?
Also, I hate the assumed parental contribution. I saw friends whose parents refused to pay a penny towards their education get royally screwed by that.
Anonymous
if grandparents are paying the “parental contribution,” then $20k is no longer the “parental contribution” because the family can afford more than $20k. It’s based on what the student/family can afford -if you don’t disclose the $20k from the grandparents, you are gaming the system.
AnnieAnon
I don’t think you can put the ethical issues aside. Your household income is $100K (already well above average) AND you’re getting significant help from your parents. Aid from fancy private colleges is supposed to give a leg up to kids that don’t have this type of financial advantage. You should not be trying to game the system by hiding assets.
Anon
$100K isn’t a “well above average” income at the Ivies. It’s actually probably below average parents of kids at those kind of schools. I went to HYP a decade ago with parents who had a pre-tax income of about $150K and I really felt like my parents were sort of in the worst spot. Probably half to two-thirds of my classmates had parents who earned way more than mine, and another large group of kids came from really poor families and had full tuition need-based scholarships. My parents had incomes that were just high enough that I didn’t get any financial aid, but not enough that paying $60K year was easy for them. I think it’s really good that a lot of the most elite private schools have expanded aid to include significant aid for upper middle class families like mine and OP’s.
Anonnnn
You think it’s really good that there’s financial aid for upper middle class kids?? Why, because otherwise those kids would fail at life? This totally distorted way of thinking is why the wealth gap continues to widen in this country.
Anonymous
I would be worried that they would have to pay down their assets for long-term care, etc. I’m not up on financial aid options, so don’t have other ideas but my general sense is that money in your name is counted less than money in your kids name.
COtoNY
529, in your parent’s name, with your child as beneficiary. Your child’s own assets count the most against financial aid, then your assets count less but still count, and your parent’s assets would count not at all. If the the 529 is in their name (i.e. their assets) it wouldn’t count against your financial aid at all.
SaddleSoap
I believe the payments made from a grandparent’s 529 count as the child’s income for the subsequent year’s financial aid though. (Please fact check this statement.)
nerfmobile
Withdrawals are counted that way, but the assets if not withdrawn aren’t considered for financial aid purposes. Once you know where the child will go to college, then you can determine the best timing to use the funds. Hypothetical example: You have $60K in a 529 plan and the student will attend a school with tuition of $25K and room and board of $5K per year. You can leave the 529 alone for the first two years and pay out of other funds, loans, or any financial aid you qualify for. For the last two years, you withdraw $30K each year, fully covering expenses and thus not needing any financial aid or loans.
Anon
How early into a new job is too early to ask for a week off? My dad is pushing for a big family vacation.
Anon
There’s no cut and dried rule on this. It depends a lot on your field, office culture, etc. How new are you?
Anonymous
Depends a lot on your workplace, but in general I would say even in a normal office where people use their vacation time (e.g., not BigLaw), you should try to be there a minimum of three months before you actually take the vacation. The exception would be time off for a very special event like a sibling’s wedding or something that’s pre-planned and was negotiated before you started, but for just a regular family vacation I would strive to be there for at least three months first.
Elegant Giraffe
Making the request and actually taking the vacation are of course two different things, so I’m not sure which you’re referring to. I think you can make the request pretty early on – within a month or two. Actually taking a week off – I think you need to be six months in before it’s appropriate to take this lengthy of a vacation.
Anon
More details, I’m 3 months in, I’d be asking for the first week of March off.
Anonymous
That would be too soon in my office.
Anonymous
seconded, and forgetaboutit if they get a wiff of your parent wanting you to do this
have your parents take a trip; you can fly in Friday night and enjoy a weekend with them like a grownup with a new job
Anon
Why does it matter if I’m vacationing with my family? I want to go too. My family doesn’t live close so it’s not like I can just go see them for a weekend easily.
Anon
Anon at 12:39, I think Anonymous meant if your workplace thinks your family is pressuring you to take the vacation (which it sounds like they are), not that you just want to vacation with your family. Not sure if you are the OP, but it felt like in the OP’s post that she is hesitant to ask for the time/maybe doesn’t really want to go but Dad is really pushing her to which is not great optics.
Anonymous
B/c you seem really tone-deaf
do you really want a rep as a kid who is entitled AND still bends to pressure from mom & dad to take a week vacay so soon into a new job?
Office reps are a thing and at this point, you won’t be known for anything else if word gets out
Anon
This seems unnecessarily confrontational
SMC-SD
Just goes to show how much office culture varies; in my office, it would be way more acceptable to ask for a week off for a family vacation with your parents than because you wanted to go to Hawaii for a week on your own. That is partly because there is a sense that you have less control over the planning of a family trip and partly because our managing partner lost his father young and believes spending time with parents while they are alive is really important.
Anonymous
Yeah, in my workplace people would definitely be more understanding about a vacation with multiple generations than a solo vacation or vacation with just a spouse because they recognize you don’t have as much control over the schedule in that case. I don’t see why you’d get a bad reputation for saying that you want to go on vacation with your family. Maybe if your parents are footing the bill and you told everyone that you’d be seen as a bit spoiled, but you can certainly keep that fact to yourself even if they are.
Anonymous
Yeah I’d pass. That seems like a quick turnaround for a full week off anyway. How far in advance do people in your office generally schedule vacations?
Anon
Not sure for longer vacations, but a day or two here and there, people tell their manager a few days before.
Elegant Giraffe
I’d explicitly ask my manager about how far in advance you should be requesting vacations. Not just for this situation – just good to know in general.
Anonymous
If I’m understanding this right, you’ve been there since October and would be taking a week off in March? That seems completely fine to me unless your workplace is really prickly about people taking vacation. If you have 3 weeks of vacation per year, the average employee is probably taking a week off every 4-6 months and what you’d be doing isn’t out of line with that at all.
joan wilder
+1. Also if you are otherwise responsible at work, meet deadlines, appropriately transition your responsibilities while you will be away, and are not the only person who can perform a double lung transplant that day, I don’t see why length of service matters when you request your vacation. Bean-counting on this question is (to me) a sign of a bad manager, not a poor employee.
nerfmobile
In my company, you would currently have earned 2 to 4 days of vacation (depending on exactly when you started) , and would pick up two more by the first week in March. The only question would be aligning the timing with projects in flight, not whether you could use the vacation time you had earned.
SC
I’d wait at least a month, and probably try to talk to a few coworkers over coffee or lunch, before asking for a week of vacation. You need a feel for the office norms–whether coworkers typically take week-long vacations, when the busy season is or when the major upcoming deadlines are, and whether new or junior people are expected to cover the office during the holidays or whether vacation requests are first-come, first-served.
Overall, I think it matters more how long you’ve been at the job before the vacation takes place vs how long you’ve there before you request the time. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a new employee requesting in January vacation time in October (assuming it’s otherwise within office norms). A new employee taking a week of vacation in March or April might be strange, unless there’s a reason for it. (For example, last year I started my job in January and used up my vacation time in April and May because my co-workers wanted to be off later in the year, and November/December is our busy season.)
Baconpancakes
If it’s something less than 3-4 months in advance, you should have negotiated that in your acceptance. My mother wanted a big family trip right after I graduated from my Master’s program, which meant that 3 weeks was just administratively approved leave without pay right after I started my job.
Otherwise, I’d wait for 3 months before taking a long weekend, and 6 months before taking a week off.
Anonymous
I think this depends on how much leave you get. If you only get two weeks, I agree. If you get more leave than that and are in a use it or lose it company where everyone takes their full leave every year, it seems reasonable that you would take one week off in your first 6 months.
Anonymous
It sounds like this will be closer to 5 months since starting the job. Personally I think it’s fine.
Anon
How much vacation do you get and how does it accrue? In my firm a new employee gets five days for the first calendar year they work with us. At the start of the next calendar year it is two weeks and it technically takes 6 months to accrue one week of vacation. It sounds like you will have been at the firm for 5 months at the point you want to take vacation?
Anon
Original anon here, I have 4 weeks PTO (sick and vacation together). I will have been there about 4 and a half months, but it’s not a law firm, I’m in tech.
Anon
Oh and time accrues constantly. I will just barely have enough (took two days off around holidays when the office was 95% shut down)
Reptile Eye
Scaly patch near eye?
Anyone ever have anything like this? Suddenly, out of nowhere, I have some super scaly and flaky skin right near one eye. The lid is pink and the area below the eye is a bit puffy as well. but they eye itself is fine. No new products, no new regime, so I’m puzzled. Going to baby it a bit to see if I can make it go away without a trip to the derm. But if you have any experience with this, let me know…maybe another sign of aging?
SC
I had that about a year ago. I think it was an allergic reaction to a product I had been using for a while, then dryness leftover from the reaction. I stopped using all the products I was currently using and put Vaseline on at night for a while.
Anon
This happened to me. I developed an allergy to a product (mascara) I had used every day for years– my derm said it’s actually very common to develop an allergy to something you use this much. In order to isolate the issue I had to stop using all cosmetics and add them back one at a time. It was a real pain. I still have occasional scaly patches on my eye (especially during winter). I have a mild steroid cream that the derm prescribed that is safe for eyelids that clears it right up.
Anonymous
This happened to me and turned out to be an allergy to sunscreen (weird). It basically caused some contact dermatitis just above my eye. I switched brands to a gentler one, and was more careful about how I applied it and haven’t had a problem since. It was really gross there for a week or so — patches of flakes would get caught in my eyelashes. Sorry that’s happening to you!
anne-on
Any chance you stayed in a hotel recently? This happens to me A LOT when I travel for work, hotels bleach the every loving sh*t out of their sheets and I’m a side sleeper so one eye (or both, woo!) usually winds up with a red or scaly irritated patch.
Anonymous
Fresh aloe really helps for this.
Reptile Eye
Thanks for the very helpful replies. I was traveling recently, but stayed with family, not at hotels. I am going to start treating with aloe and toss the mascara I just opened at New Years (I replace my mascara in Jan and June, and forgot I had this new brand). Excuse to buy the one I used to use and like better, so score!
Appreciate the help!
Anon
I’ve had this before. I had to get a prescription cream from my dermatologist (elidel). It’s the only thing I found to resolve the issue.
Anonymous
For me, this turned out to be eczema. It’s mostly controllable if I don’t wear much eye makeup regularly (removing the eye makeup irritates it) but does flare if I am really stressed.
Anon
Hello Hive,
Long time lurker here; Was wondering if anyone would be able to help identify this dress?
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/t2n322K0Pgc/maxresdefault.jpg
Allison Chinchar
you should tweet her and ask her! :)
Anon
I did consider it but my self consciousness held me back; yeah even from behind a computer screen! Ok what the heck, I’ll do it!
Anonymous
Government re opening, which is good. But the fact that Dems agreed to re open just based on an agreement that there will be negotiations/debate re DACA (as opposed to more concrete things a DACA bill will/won’t have) would leave me severely worried if I was on DACA status. Durbin gets up there and says – Dreamers don’t give up, I hope I’ll celebrate with you in 3 weeks. Um – he hopes??
GG
Yeah, really, really disappointing.
Anonymous
I’m disappointed. Seems like Dems caved and won nothing except a promise, and there was a promise several months ago.
Ack germs!
I’m relatively new at my job, which has an unstated but clear open door policy. It’s driving me crazy for noise reasons but I’ve gone along with it because, hey, I’m new.
Today, though, the secretary outside my door is hacking and sounds TERRIBLE. Pretty sure she has the flu or some other miserable virus I do not want.
So I’m shutting my door. To heck with office norms!
Anonymous
Maybe she has the flu, maybe not. There are about a billion non-infectious reasons for a hacking cough.
Anon
+1
Anon
But most of them are viral, especially if they come on suddenly. Stay home if you’re sick!
My husband works in the business office of a hospital and they’ve taken the step of making people go home if they have any nasty coughing going on, or symptoms of being feverish etc. Some people apparently have gotten very huffy about it. But this flu season is no joke. I don’t blame the hospital at all. I wish they’d do the same at my work.
Ack germs!
She’s also pale and sweaty and complaining about how sick she is and how much she wishes she could go home.
Anonymous
And hacking coughs tend to stay around long after you are contagious (I’m on week 3 of mine)
Ack germs!
Fair enough, but like I said she’s visibly ill beyond the cough and complaining that she’s sick. Not taking my chances.
Baconpancakes
I’m in the same situation, except I’m on a hallway with two managers who have constant meetings and are both extremely loud people all day long. Noisli Chrome Plugin saves my sanity. And even closing the door most of the way, but leaving it cracked, will help lower the distracting noise levels.
Also, if you do close your door, you might put up a post-it that says “working on brief/report/etc, feel free to interrupt!” to make sure it’s clear you get the office norm.
Anonymous
Also – sometimes if pressure really on and I need quiet, I move to a conference room…
Anon
Also, though you can catch a virus through expelled coughing particles and even breath (this was on NPR on Friday) it’s really common to catch them from surfaces. Wash your hands a lot and do not rub your nose or eyes. Who knows what the secretary or other sick people have touched.
Anonymous
Yeah the reality is that there are germs all over every workplace in the winter. Even if 100% of employees stayed home for 100% of the duration of every illness (which they obviously don’t) there would still be germs everywhere because you are usually infectious for at least a day or two before you have any idea you’re sick. Custodians come in and sweep floors and empty wastebaskets but they don’t normally disinfect the surfaces everyone touches in the break room. Really the only way to not get sick is to wash your hands every time you’re about to put them in your mouth (which is super hard for a grazer like me who is snacking every hour).
Ack germs!
Maybe. Still shutting my door though.