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Updated: Sep 26, 2023 419 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Calliope Split-Neck Moody Floral Top

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman wearing a white floral blouse and blue jeans

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This moody floral blouse from Cinq à Sept would be a great way to liven up a business formal outfit. I would love to see it paired with a dark gray suit or tucked into a pair of camel trousers. And if you’re a person who gets irritated by the ties, I’m giving you permission to carefully cut them off and go about your business. (I did this on two different tops recently and felt like a new woman.)

The blouse is on sale for $198.75 (marked down from $265) at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes XXS-XL.

A few more affordable options are available in straight sizes ($49), plus ($23.60 on clearance), and petite ($79).

Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    My single sister who lives far away (another continent) with no family support nearby, is having bunion surgery on both feet in three weeks. She says she lined up friends to come see her and bring groceries etc. What can I send her or arrange for her to make her life easier during the recovery time? Flying out to be with her is not really possible :(

    • anon

      Do you know if there are any meal delivery/take-out places? That could be a good supplement even with friends bringing groceries. Some sort of entertainment: kindle/netflix/audible subscription, or some type of craft she can do sitting. From when my grandma had it done, the first two weeks were the most stringent in terms of staying non-weight bearing but i think there are some less invasive kinds of surgery now. Does she have plan for how she is getting back to doctor at the check-up point? I would make sure she has a friend lined up to drive her

      • Anon

        Surprisingly it’s no big deal, assuming you’re not elderly. The hospital typically gives you a waterproof cover for your foot. If you have a tub you sit down and prop your foot up on the ledge. If you have a stall shower then you use a waterproof stool. I bet OP’s sister has thought it through already.

      • Anon

        Actually, the over the counter disposably Bed bath cleaning cloths sets are lovely in a pinch. We used to use them for elderly relatives when they were bed bound. You can put them in the microwave to gently warm them. They feel nice, are very gentle to the skin, clean well, and there are enough wipes to quickly clean the whole body easily.

  2. Anon

    Have we ever done a survey of where we all live/work? I’ll start: Orange County, California.

  3. AIMS

    I really hate sleeves like this. They add nothing helpful to a work outfit (if sleeveless wouldn’t be appropriate for the occasion, this hardly changes the fact), they’re not especially flattering or attractive, and they can get in the way of layering a thin sweater by just looking bunchy. I wish I could neatly and easily cut them off like I would those strings.

    • Anonymous

      Agree. I had a nearly identical shirt about 15 years ago that I got rid of for that exact reason.

      • Anon

        +1 – They’re flattering in a way that sleeveless tops aren’t on me. I also have no trouble with them under a blazer and find it great for summer days when it’s cold in the office and warm outside.

        • Anon

          I have narrow shoulders, a small waist, and wider hips, and anything wider at the shoulder really helps balance my look.

    • Anonymous

      I like them. They definitely have a place. It’s more coverage than sleeveless (I’d prefer a bit longer of this style though) and it’s not as constraining as a lot of other styles. As I’m getting older my arms are also wider than they used to be and I hate tight sleeves. I have a few dresses like this that are great for when it’s super hot and I’m going to an outdoor brunch or shopping or whatnot. I feel like I don’t get as sweaty.

    • Cat

      it’s funny I actually prefer them for summer- between running hot and having broad shoulders, a fluttery sleeve like this reads as a lot less “visible arm” thanks to the full top of my shoulder being covered, whereas without them, it would look like a dressy tank top!

      but for pieces intended as layers, agreed.

      • Anne-on

        Agree – this is a summertime ‘it’s 90 degrees but I need to be in the office’ blouse. I wore a lot of this type of top this summer paired with jeans and a blazer (in the freezing office a/c) or with a skirt if I was going to be doing a lot of walking. Definitely gives more coverage than a normal tank and flatters my not very toned arms.

    • anon

      Agree. They look cute, but they are so impractical. I’d wear this to church but not to work.

    • Anon

      I really hate the strings. But yes, it reminds me of how when you go in some churches (Vatican?), you have to have your shoulders covered with a sleeve or shawl. This is a “sleeve” in that sense possibly. But just be a sleeve or don’t be a sleeve; there is no try to be a sleeve my little wisp of a butterfly wing with big dreams of being a sleeve; the best you will achieve is sleevelet that that pleases no one.

    • Anon

      I just wore a blouse like this under a blazer last week. It didn’t look great. The ruffles were definitely visible.

    • anon

      There’s a line between sleeveless and bra-strap-showing that is usually the divide between what I can wear in the office and what I cannot. These sleeves move the top into acceptable territory and are darned useful for summer commuting and when I’m at a happy hour event for work or a conference.

    • Anon

      I have to admit I looked at this and said ooh… but you’re right about the sleeves and that’s why I didn’t click through.

      I am a lifelong sucker for a large floral print on a very dark background. (Black, navy, dark green)

    • Anonymous

      It’s not flattering on my wide shoulders but for a narrow shouldered person looking to balance out their lower half it probably looks amazing. It’s also probably nice to have a little ruffle so you feel a little more covered than a tank without a cap sleeve, which can hit the arm in unflattering ways.

  4. Anon

    I wore my Pranayama cardigan yesterday and I feel like it is an OK around-the-house layer but sort of redundant (I already have a fleece I love). I’m going to try to wear it some more now that we’re in a shoulder season but I have a feeling that if neither kid wants to inherit it (sometimes they do if it’s a spendy brand for a teen), it’s on the eviction list.

    • Cat

      If it’s a neutral, pieces like that are my WFH MVPs since they look like a real sweater on camera (unlike a fleece) but can cover a multitude of sins beneath.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, my Pranayama wraps are my go-tos for WFH videoconferences. My boss asked me if I was wearing a blazer one time, so I guess they look fancy enough on camera (or my camera is very low-def, who knows)

    • JTM

      I have two and I love to wear them when I travel – warm enough on a plane but I’m not sweating in the airport.

      • Anon

        I just don’t love the pocket situation. I find that anything heavier than a tissue just drags everything down. Not horrible for mild weather though.

    • Sunshine

      Regardless of what everyone else thinks about the garment, if you don’t feel good wearing it, then pass it along. Otherwise, you’ll either let it hang in your closet unworn or feel sub-par when you do wear it. How do I know? I’m looking at your jeans I want to love but never do. I guess I need to do the thing and follow my own advice!

  5. Anon

    Any practical advice for relatives who may or may not have ever done a will (or have one from when their kids were young and are now widows/widowers and grandparents)? My MIL is still alive, but isn’t sure where her will might be but she thinks she has one. House is a bit hoarded (SIL’s stuff) and she is now open to trying an apartment with an elevator vs stairs, but a possibly legit obstacle is “I need to find the will and get my things together.” Even if she never moves, is it worth trying to find a 50 year old will (that generation will say yes) or just draft a new one (but the expense!). I don’t think she ever would have done POAs, HCPOA, etc. back then. I bet that the lawyer who did it is probably retired but google suggested maybe it’s filed in a courthouse somewhere in advance?

    • Anon

      Very state dependent but I’d do a new one. Whatever she did 50 years ago probably would have needed updating anyway. It’s not that expensive and a good idea. I’d do both a will and trust to avoid probate if she has assets.

    • Anonymous

      She doesn’t need to even have a will to move. A will has nothing to do with how she’s living her life. But yes just do a new one.

    • NYCer

      She should do a new one. Also, her Will would only be filed in court when she dies.

    • Anon

      You don’t need to destroy the old Will before writing a new one, although it is good to do so. The newer one will be written to explicitly void all previous Wills.

      The concern is that someone pops up with the ancient Will and tries to inherit under it, but that’s more about TV drama than real life. Her attorney will also have the updated Will on file and her executor should have the attorney’s information.

      Sometimes, I think we need a thread on the basics of estate planning.

      • anon

        To your last paragraph/sentence. Yes. 1000p yes. We talk about personal finance a ton but this is an extension of that – you’ve built all that wealth and tragically pass away sooner than expected, now what? How do you set up your children or spouses for success? It’s an enormous topic.

        DH and I didn’t have any clue and were woefully underprepared until FIL dropped dead without a will. There was a surviving spouse but she has been checked out, dating back decades, so it fell on DH and I to sort out. It’s definitely a “you don’t know until you know” things. I now know I can take steps while living to help my heirs through the process after I’m gone.

      • anon for this

        I would absolutely endorse such a thread! We had estate planning done when our kid was born 10 years ago. It needs to be updated but the solo attorney who did it retired, and the person he refers to charges something like $3500 for it, even just updating an existing document. (This is actually the lowest of three quotes I got, all in Northern VA.) In the grand scheme of things I know that I need to do it, but the expense and the complicated nature of the work are really off-putting. I’m a smart person and have a hard time wrapping my mind around which kind of trust I need, etc.

    • Anon

      I’ve been involved with some estate planning with my MIL lately. It’s super tricky as a DIL. So commiseration on the effort. I think most people on here would say your spouse really needs to lead the effort with their Mother. I think you’re on to something about a Health Directive. Even if she had a will back then, obviously the Power of Attorney and her health directive needs to be redone. I think this is were your spouse could voice that they’re just concerned about not knowing what her wishes are if she’s in a medical emergency and it needing to be documented.

      • Anonymous

        This. Especially if it is an older will you can point out that medical science has changed a lot and maybe things around wills have changed to so it is important for her to update her documents.

      • Anon

        Could it be gate-keeping by the SIL to stop you from going through and tossing things? “Don’t throw away the boxes of old creepy dolls, Mom’s Will could be in there!”

        Where do you keep a Will, anyway? I would think a safe-deposit box at a bank but IIRC they won’t let anyone enter it if a person dies (you have to go to court and get letters of appointment and you probably can’t do that without a Will). I get that I could ask an attorney, but it’s dawning on me that my parents both have Wills but IDK where they are. Presumably they do, but from the yesterday discusison re dementia, maybe it would be good if someone else had an idea (like if they have a lockbox, which they don’t, or at least a folder in a drawer somewhere). And even if they have the original, they could give a copy to someone just to prep them: oh, hey, you might be an executor of this some day.

        • Anon

          Best spot is a fireproof safe that kids know how to access. Second best spot is with other important documents. Regardless of where it is, kids need to know where to find it. I’m an estate planning attorney and we ask our clients at the will/trust signing where they are keeping the documents and keep a record. We also keep scanned originals.

        • LA Law

          One idea: My parents’ wills (along with their durable power of attorney for healthcare and advance directive and a list of their accounts and passwords) are in a safe deposit box and I am authorized to access it and have the key. (They live in an area that is at high risk for fire so there are other reasons to have a box – my Dad switches out the backup of the backup of the hard drive on their computers every quarter.)

          I have never actually needed to access the box but it is nice to know where I can find all of their important documents if needed.

          • anonshmanon

            somebody mentioned this in a previous thread: elderly parents had credit card in dad’s name, mom was an authorized user. The moment the bank heard of dad’s death, mom could no longer use the credit card, until probate was resolved. So make sure you can really access the deposit box in the event.

        • Anon

          My sister gate-kept my mom’s stuff like this because she didn’t want the rest of us to know how much she’d stolen. The weird thing is that if she’d asked, my other sibling and I would have said fine, take what you want. But I did want Mom’s charm bracelet for sentimental reasons (I was the only one who ever wore it when we all lived at home) and I believe my sister had it melted down for the price of gold, which I would HAPPILY have paid her so I could keep the bracelet.

    • An.On.

      Just do a new one; old one is almost certainly out of date in re: designated fiduciaries, and there would be new considerations at this stage in her life anyway (less focus on young children, more focus on asset protection, long term care, probate, tax, etc). I don’t know any state where the Will would be filed prior to death (since it can be modified later).

    • Anonymous

      In agreement about a new will. the first line of the new will be stating that she hereby revokes all Prior wills.

      Search for “wills for seniors” and your area. I know my firm (in North Carolina) participates in many pro bono clinics preparing wills, power of attorney, and healthcare directives for seniors. No clue how the seniors find out about it.”, but I think worth looking into.

    • No Problem

      She should do a new will. It’s not that expensive, especially if you and spouse and/or other family members can get her to express her wishes in advance so there’s not a lot of back and forth with the lawyer on multiple drafts. Even if she had a will 50 years ago, you’re right that she probably didn’t have a POA and health directives back then and now is a great time to get it all done at once. Now is also a good time to start going through the hoard (or getting SIL to go through it if it’s really all hers), because that is the last thing you’re going to want to deal with if you need to make a sudden decision on MIL’s living arrangements or need to sell the house.

    • Anon

      T&E lawyer here. She absolutely needs a new will and powers of attorney at a minimum. A 50 year old will is not going to be aligned with the current reality. Wills do not get filed in court until a person dies. If expense is a hurdle, you can offer to pay for it. Having a current estate plan and powers of attorney in place will save lots of unnecessary legal expense, headaches and administrative hassles in the future.

      Don’t waste any time and effort trying to find the old will.

      • Anon

        My first instinct is MIL is using the lost will as an excuse to drag her feet on moving. If you explain that the new will supersedes the old one and you’re willing to pay for it she still might resist. Either way it’s important for her to have an updated will. This mess will land squarely in your lap when she passes.

      • anon

        Don’t fight the fight on the will. Focus on how she needs an updated POA and health care directive. Lawyer will take care of the fight on the will.

    • anon

      I’m not a T&E lawyer, but in my area, asking me to review and update something something that old is going to be way more expensive than asking for a new, off the shelf version because it’s way faster for me to fill in the blanks on a template my colleagues and I have developed that I know is good law than try to fix something that needs a lot of updating.

      Also, it’s hard enough to make decisions for a loved one who is unable to do so themselves, even with health care POA and POA. At a certain age, I think it’s the only kind thing to do to ensure the appropriate loved ones know one’s wishes and have the documents to carry them out.

    • Anon

      I just want to really strongly echo what people are saying here about it not being the will. Yes, she needs a new one. But she’s almost certainly using it as an excuse to drag her feet (which I get!) and I think you really need to look at those underlying issues if you want a smooth(er) move.

  6. Anon

    Are shipping times increasing? I ordered from Landsend on the 19th, just 2 items. The order hasn’t even shipped yet. I also recently waited almost 2 weeks for a Target order to arrive. Is this fairly standard? I’m in a major East Coast city.

    • Peaches

      Definitely for some retailers. Old Navy times have gotten longer, as have some of my Am@zon orders.
      Higher prices for everything, “lean” staffing, etc etc.

    • NY CPA

      Not really standard. I would call LE and ask. I’ve found their customer service helpful in the past.

    • Anon

      I ordered 2 sizes of something from Target. One arrived the next morning, the other took 2 weeks to get to me. Shipping is all over the place.

    • Anon

      Anything that ships DHL you can just assume you’re never going to receive, and if someday you do receive it, it will be a special surprise.

    • Anon

      Yes! It’s been over a week for Amazon and Walmart for me! I have both Prime and Walmart+

    • anon a mouse

      Lands End is the worst when it comes to shipping. And they never give accurate projections at order. The last time I ordered something it arrived 6 weeks later. I was able to contact customer service and get a refund of the shipping fee (I wouldn’t have ordered if I’d known it would take that long!).

    • Anon

      I ordered LE a few weeks ago and it took them forever to get the order out. Also, I used their size charts and ended up with clothing so big that looked like a clown.

  7. Fall Family Photo Outfits

    Hi all – I’m coordinating a professional photo session with my large family over Thanksgiving. 10 adults, 2 teens, 3 littles under 10, It’ll be outside in the fall foliage. What do you suggest we wear? I’m reticent to make everyone buy new clothes but maybe I just need to do it. Last time was on a beach and we did guys in khaki plus white button down shirt, ladies in white dresses and it was stellar. Thoughts this time around? I was thinking dark wash jeans and some type of top for guys (?), maroon dresses for girls.

      • Anon

        This. Let people wear whatever they’re comfortable in. Figure out your own immediate family and take a separate photo with just yourselves. And coordinate that, don’t match. Matching looks terrible.

      • Anon

        Didn’t mean that to sound quite so rude, but I wouldn’t be caught dead in either a white or a maroon dress and would be extremely annoyed if a family member forced me to buy one just so we could take matching photos. I just think it looks forced and fake when people match too closely. Go with a looser theme or color scheme like “fall” or “Christmas” more generally.

    • Anon

      YMMV but I hate the overly matchy look. I also hate the idea of making women wear dresses – I find jeans way more flattering on my body and would be annoyed at being made to wear a dress. I’d give everyone a color scheme and let them choose their own outfits within that color scheme.

      • Anon

        Agree! People also have different colouring. I hated when my family of origin put me in all of these melons and mint greens that made me look like death (but looked great on the people who picked them out).

      • anon

        Agree, although I’m the opposite of you — I’m very uncomfortable in jeans and would hate for my thighs to be on display for eternity. But again, agree with letting people choose and no overly matchy.

        • Anon

          Oh I think you’re in the majority. My photog swears most women look best in long dresses and has pushed me to wear one, but I have a prominent stomach, especially relative to my delicate frame, and feel like I look 6+ months pregnant in loose dresses. I definitely think people should get to choose at least between dresses and jeans.

        • Anon

          Same re: thighs. I have a relatively flat stomach (esp for a 40-something mom); all my weight is in my hips and thighs, especially since I run and swim a LOT.

    • Anonymous

      We just did this and gave everyone colors to choose from and let the cards fall where they may. Navy blue, grey, white, and tan. It worked out great.

    • Anon

      I would do colors that all go together and let everyone pick their own outfit. I feel like matching outfits may veer toward looking like you’re the Partridge family or another family ensemble.

    • Anonymous

      Personally I’d say the theme was denim and maroon and let everyone pick their own clothes.

      • Anon

        So I just did family photos with extended family and this was what we told people – pick some combination of denim/chambray, white/cream/ivory, and maroon – and it worked out great. People didn’t have to wear jeans if they didn’t want to, or dresses if they didn’t want to, or a white button-down shirt if they didn’t own one. I don’t think anyone had to buy clothes – everyone already had something that fit the directions and the photos look fantastic.

    • Sybil

      We did family photos last year and the photographer suggested maroon, mustard, and dark blue. It worked really well against a brick backdrop and I think foliage would work nicely too.

    • Anon.

      I also would not go for a matchy-matchy look, either. On the beach I can see how this would maybe work, but with fall colors I think it just looks like trying too hard.
      Color palette is the way to go, thinking blue denim, fall colors like mustard, forest greens, maroon, with a bit of white or light blue mixed in. I would personally avoid large patterns (like large checkered flannel shirts for guys).
      Googling “fall photo shoot outfit ideas” brings up a lot of images that are not matchy but coordinated.

      • Anon

        Yeah the white & khaki beach photos are a tad cheesy for my tastes, but the all matchy thing works better there because the backdrop is so…simple? Maybe that’s not the right word but there’s something about the white sand and blue ocean that makes the white and khaki color scheme work ok. For fall photos you will look completely ridiculous in matching outfits.

    • No Problem

      We did family photos several years back and it was jeans and a solid color top for everyone. Pictures turned out great and no one had to buy anything.

      • Anon

        This is my go-to for our annual nuclear family fall foliage photos, although my daughter often wears a striped or polka dotted dress in colors that coordinate with the solid color tops.

    • Anonymous

      Dark wash jeans and either a tonal family (blues or browns etc) or list 4-5 colours that work well together. We did a mix of deeper blues/ navy sweaters/sweater dresses and cream/oatmeal/beige sweaters/sweater dresses and it looked great.

      Overmatchy looks terrible but it also looks awful is clothes are completely clashing or one person goes much brighter than everyone else.

    • Anonymous

      Please don’t do matching!!! If you want to make sure no one shows up in neon pink, suggest something like “blues, whites, and browns.” Then people can shop their closets and you’ll get variety without insanity.

    • anon

      Best advice I got was people don’t need to match, but need to look like they are going to the same party. By this I mean, same level of formality, don’t have some people dressed like its 80F and other people like its 40F. So for fall foliage, I would suggest people wear casual clothes, jeans + a sweater /cardigan/shacket.

      • Anon

        Excellent point. Coordinating on the weather is as much or more important than coordinating on colors, IMO. Nothing will throw photos off like someone in a sundress and sandals alongside someone in a thick sweater and boots.

    • KS IT Chick

      A few years ago, we did family photos at Thanksgiving. The women/girls all wore some variation of plum or brown and the men/ boys all wore blue. We all either wore blue jeans or slacks. It didn’t look matched up, but it did look coordinated.

    • Anon

      Agree with not matchy-matchy, but we’ve had success with designating a color scheme and letting people choose from there. Last time we did denim, black, turquoise, white, royal blue. The photos turned out great. Most of the littles gravitated toward turquoise, while most of the adults toward denim and black.

      • Anon

        Okay, but some people actually like their families (and their family members actually like them) and enjoy taking photos of the family when everyone is together. That’s actually not an abnormal thing. We did family photos right before my grandfather died of a sudden heart attack, and I love looking back at those photos – because, as I said, it’s normal for people to love each other and want to have memories of happy times.

        • Anon

          I love my family. We are close. I don’t love staged photos, I don’t love the idea of having the same “beach theme!” or “fall foliage!” photo as basically every white family in the US. My favorite photo of my late mom is one where my sisters and I are laughing with her, and it was just an iphone photo.

          • Anonymous

            But that’s like only a couple people. It’s hard to get good pictures of any more than 5-6 people unless you use a professional photographer. DH and I both grew up doing it with grandparents/cousins for milestone birthdays or anniversaries every 5-10 hrs. We’re 11 people on my side and 13 on DH’s just with grandparents, kids and grandkids.

          • Anon

            Okay? That’s you. Other people are not you, and can like different things than you like or want to do different things than you do, and it doesn’t make them “wrong” or “bad.” You don’t get to control the whole world; we already had a conversation about that this month

          • Anon

            Agreed. These photos are always so cringe. I associate them with people who go to Hilton Head, enjoy playing golf, and live in gated communities.

          • Anon

            “I associate them with people who go to Hilton Head, enjoy playing golf, and live in gated communities.”

            And let me guess: you live in a loft in SoHo, wear all black all the time, go to Amsterdam on vacations and get stoned out of your gourd, and still go to punk shows and smoke clove cigarettes like you’re still 19?

            People can live all kinds of ways, and if you don’t want people judging you, then reserve your own judgment. I don’t go to Hilton Head, play golf, or live in a gated community, but I am not going to sh*t on people who do because I think it makes me look cool and edgy. And P.S., because someone apparently needs to tell you: you’re not nearly as cool, edgy or counterculture as you think you are.

          • Anon

            Meh, I’ve never been to Hilton Head or played golf and I don’t live in a gated community, but I love doing professional family photos and it’s one of our family’s biggest discretionary expenses. In addition to taking photos that are technically good, our photographer is amazing at capturing genuine smiles and laughter. The photos she takes are my favorite family photos by far, and we have them on our walls and/or in frames in our bedrooms and offices in addition to making an annual photobook. If you photographer isn’t doing any better than you can do with an iPhone, I think that’s a photographer problem.

    • OP

      Good advice and interesting perspectives! I think y’all are right and I’ll lean more towards a fall palette than designating specific outfits. Thanks!

      • Anon

        Chiming in to say we did a family photo in summer in Florida and just told people to wear summery jewel tones – we got hot pinks, cobalts, kelly greens – it looked great with the palm trees and tropical flowers without anybody having to buy anything.

      • highlander

        I’ve seen nice photos where there’s a general color scheme (saturated jewel tones for example) with families loosely color-coded, which is fun if the subjects are not arranged by family. IMO solids work better than prints and colors work better than black or white. Denim is the universal neutral.

    • anon

      Just tell everyone to wear fall colors so it’s coordinated but not matchy matchy.

  8. PJ

    $200 (on sale!) for polyester?? Hard pass. I would buy this if it were $30 at Loft. Would consider if it were $100 and silk.

    • Anonymous

      You say you want natural fibers, but a quality silk blouse shouldn’t be $100

    • Anon

      I don’t like this particular top, but I just don’t get the polyester hate here. Do y’all know it’s not the same fabric? It’s like silk or cotton or anything really, there’s good and poor quality versions. If your only experience is with a Target top, try on a nicer brand sometime. They actually wear better and wrinkle less than many natural fabrics.

      • Sybil

        I love polyester. Agree on wearing better with less wrinkling. I don’t understand the people who complain about breathability – I’m not necessarily going to take a run in it, but a normal day? Absolutely.

        • Peaches

          I definitely wore the hell out of my $12 Kohl’s polyester shells – they were great for conferences/travel. My thing is that I can never get stains out of them! Cotton/cotton blends seem a little more forgiving in that respect.

      • PolyD

        Same. Some polyester isn’t terrible. I also remember way back in the 1990s when Express sold washable silk shirts – they were real silk, but I remember them being kind of sweaty.

        I’m thinking of making a Corporette bingo board. One square would definitely be, Ugh, polyester!!

          • Anonymous

            This sounds unhinged
            Go to therapy
            Gently …
            DTMFA/just get a divorce
            The only way out is through
            Try intermittent fasting

        • Anon

          Every. Freaking. Time. someone has to bring this up. Like, we get it already! You don’t need to say it every time something polyester gets posted!

        • PolyD

          All these responses are awesome! Someone who is good at graphics (not me) needs to make Corporette Bingo.

      • Anonymous

        Polyester refers to the chemical composition of the fibres. It’s irrelevant whether fancy machines spin the plastic into cloth, its all plastic that makes you sweaty.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve worn nicer brands, and the only thing they wear better than is a lower quality polyester. Compared to the same quality natural fabric I find they aren’t better at all.
        I find all polyester holds on to sweat, body oils, and odor in a way that natural fabics don’t. I can air out and rewear my cotton shirts a few times before I need to wash them, even in summer, the same is not true for polyester.
        This is supposedly a fashion blog, and since fabric content is a big part of fashion it should be ok for people like OP to give opinions either way.

  9. Maryland Estate Planning

    I would appreciate recommendations for a good estate planning attorney in Maryland.

  10. Josie P

    I recently bought Plae sneakers bc friends of mine had them (and they looked cool) and they are WAY too narrow for me. Any recommendations for “cool sneakers” that would be wider? Black preferred but anything is fine :)

  11. Anonymous in Boston

    I’m in desperate need of a good tailor in the Boston area to alter a nice wool suit and change the lining in a coat. Any recommendations, please? I’m about a size 12, so when it comes to the suit alteration I’m looking for someone who understands curves.

    • Sunshine

      You might want to post on extra petite. She is in Boston and I think she has a lot of stuff taken in.

    • Anon

      Following…I have a great tailor an hour away from Boston, but I’d love to find somewhere closer.

    • Anon

      Beague (pronounced bow-jay), basement of 15 Court Square. The man is masterful. Unassuming, but masterful. I will admit I haven’t seen him since just before COVID but g oo gle says he’s still open. Maybe give a ring first?

  12. Anon

    I know there are some SF east bay readers here. Anyone have a recommendation for a doctor in the area for Botox and other non-surgical cosmetic procedures like lasers?

    • Anon

      Following. I’m particularly interested in a laser hair removal recs out this way, I feel like there was one rec on here awhile ago for that but I forgot to save it. (I realize this might be a different person than one that does cosmetic lasers like OP is asking for).

    • Anon

      https://www.drcedars.com/dr_rodan.html

      This place, on Pill Hill in Oakland. Dr. Katie Rodan used to do my Botox, when I got Botox.

      I used to have an awesome laser lady – Janet at Diablo Laser in Walnut Creek – but I think she shut it down during the pandemic.

      Anyway that Dr Cedars group (I’ve also seen Michael Cedars, he’s a plastic surgeon) does everything and they’re top-notch.

    • Anonymous

      Not a doctor, but SkinSpirit in Montclair is great with Botox and other med-spa treatments. I do laser treatments there and have been really happy.

  13. Anonymous

    What is your fall 2023 work outfit that you put on because it’s the equivalent of sweatpants and you still have yo go into your biz casual office? Having a day where I only slept an hour thinking ahead abs want to have something prepared because I feel very mismatched and out of sorts today!!!

      • Anon

        +1 head to toe. Especially in the winter. I love all of her gorgeous wool/alpaca/cashmere knits. I even have a yak hair sweater from her.

    • Anon

      These days, jeans and sneakers because it’s actually okay in my office now. They’re just happy to have people in.

      • Anonymous

        Same. Our dress code never officially changed but… it changed. As one of the paralegals said one day, “what are they going to do, send me home to work from home?”

    • Anon

      Betabrand work yoga pants. It’s been a decade and they’re still going strong for me.

    • NaoNao

      Wide legged preferably pull-on or elastic/loose waist pants (like from Madewell or even Target) + a very simple boxy shirt + loafers if it’s warm, add socks + boots if it’s cold + a comfortable snuggly cardigan.

    • anon

      My office is definitely on the casual side of business casual. no leggings or shorts but almost everything else is fair game.

      I’m definitely having a lazy outfit day today – bootcut jeans, sneakers, a hoodie and a puffer vest for my outer layer.

      For a better version of the hoodie, I got this a couple weeks ago and it’s really cute and I keep getting compliments on it. I would wear it every other day right now if I could
      https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B6R5TJHR?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details

    • Anon

      Swacket, soft pants (I have several from quasi-outdoor brands like Orvis and Eddie Bauer – they’re cut like real pants but have four-way stretch or what have you), and flats.

    • Anon Aus

      Wide leg yoga pants in black, oversized black shirt with oversized camel blazer and leopard print loafers.
      I get a lot of compliments on it.

  14. Doubts or relationship anxiety?

    I have been dating someone for 7 months and have been having crippling anxiety about my relationship. Nothing is actually wrong, I am in love and we have a great relationship, and I think it might be my fears, traumas and attachment style. But I keep doubting things and that is making me miserable.

    Has anyone got past a phase like this? I do not want to end things but I can’t live with constant anxiety. I fear if I find someone else it will be the same thing.

      • Anon

        I totally agree. I’d go to a couples therapist solo, actually, to really focus on why you have a hard time relationship-ing.

    • Anon

      Whenever I had that much anxiety about a relationship it was because something was actually wrong and I didn’t want to see it. When I met the right person, zero anxiety. Ymmv. Cannot say without knowing a heck of a lot more information here.

      • Anon

        +1…do you usually have this level of anxiety, or is it about this particular relationship? If it’s not usual, I’d take that as a red flag.

      • Anonymous

        This. Anxiety for me has always been about some unexpressed or unacknowledged issue in my subconscious.

      • Anonymous

        Is it your spidey sense that something is wrong but can’t put your finger on it? In that case listen to it. If this is all your relationships then therapy.

      • Anon

        Came here to say this too (with the caveat that I’m not usually an overly anxious person). It was the guy/relationship, not me. Not to be a cliche but he just was not that into me. Was SO much better when I met my now husband- I had normal, reasonable doubts but no anxiety.

      • Anon

        See, for me, this anxiety would have happened no matter what because the problem truly was with me. Therapy was a life saver and it’s the reason why I’m married and not still tossing away perfectly good relationships.

    • Anon

      This is what therapy is for. It’s either your subconscious screaming at you that something is wrong, or it’s your own fears.

    • NaoNao

      One mantra that has really helped me when I feel anxiety is “do I want to spend what could be a relatively short time in the grand scheme of things with this person anxious and unhappy or savoring the love, affection, attention, and intimacy with them?”

      This really helped me when my dad died unexpectedly, leaving my stepmom widowed for the second time (!!) and I was spiraling about losing my own husband.

    • Sasha

      I went through this in my last relationship–great guy, treated me super well, I was very happy for the first six months but as we started talking long term life plans, something shifted. I broke up with him, and now in hindsight I can plainly see a lot of incompatibilities and things that were making me unhappy that I couldn’t identify when I was in it. He was a great guy, but not my person–I don’t regret leaving him at all. It’s worth going to see a therapist and see if that helps, but sometimes this anxiety is your gut telling you something your head can identify.

    • ALT

      Are you my ex boyfriend??? He broke up with me for this same exact reason and it was devastating for me, a person who had no idea about the anxiety he was experiencing. I think 1) you need to discuss with your partner and 2) go to therapy to work through these issues. I went to therapy after our breakup and it helped me a lot…I hope he did as well but I don’t know.

  15. Anon

    What is the point of compression leggings? I get why there were/are support hose, but I need leggings I can move in.

    • Anon

      Medical compression leggings are used by people with circulatory disorders.

      Sports compression leggings are used by people who don’t want chafing during yoga or on long runs.

    • anon

      They’re for keeping everything in place when exercising. I like them for running because I have a bit of a tummy that bounces when I run, which can get uncomfortable. Like a sports bra for the lower half.

      If you’re referring to leggings to be worn under skirts and dresses, I’ve never seen that and wouldn’t wear them.

      • No Face

        +1 Sports bra for the lower half is exactly right. My compression leggings and shorts were absolutely necessary when I started working out because I gained my pandemic weight in my belly and thighs. So much bouncing and chafing without them!

        • Anon

          Good to know — if compression leggings are that compressive, then that doesn’t sound comfortable for me (running or stretching before and after). I need something with a lot of give.

      • Anon

        Agree and same question. If the compression leggings are appropriately sized, OP should still be able to move in them. I love mine for leg day at the gym; I experience much less soreness afterward.

    • Anon

      Wearing compression leggings after a workout can help with blood flow and recovery.

      I can move perfectly well in my compression leggings, and I frequently wear medical grade compression socks because I have a tendency to develop clots.

      • Anon

        Ooh sorry about the clotting!

        I have a tendency to get swelling in my feet and ankles after long periods of sitting so I wear compression socks or stockings on flights and days I know I’m going to be at my desk for a long time.

  16. Anonymous

    Had a bad morning with my autistic son and I’m still vibrating from the tension. (Let’s just say it involved him throwing objects at my head while we were driving on the highway.) Sigh. Just wanted to whine to the universe.

    • Anon

      I’m sorry to hear about your morning.

      Recently I’ve been the using the Cyclical Sighing method to bring down my tension level quickly, when I’m “vibrating”. Do a quick search for Cyclical Sighing and Stanford University. Just takes seconds/a minute or two. It really helps.

      Sometimes you only have a few seconds… or a minute… to decompress.
      Life is hard.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      That sounds really hard. Sorry you’ve had a rough start to the day.

    • Anon

      sending hugs. parenting a neurodiverse child is hard. you are a good mom doing your best, even if i’m sure it doesn’t always feel that way

    • Anonymous

      We have ASD here too. It’s hard.
      I hope you have an outlet in real life!
      Huge hugs!!

    • anon

      That is a really, really hard morning. I hope the rest of the day goes smoothly.

    • CreditRisk

      Fellow asd mom and a huge virtual hug. It’s very hard sometimes. I’m so sorry and I hope tomorrow is a better day.

  17. Solar Eclipses!

    Just a PSA from a science nerd that there will be an annular eclipse over the United States on October 14, and a total eclipse on April 8. 2024. Even if you are not in the path of totality, you will still be able to observe the partial eclipse.

    NASA has this amazing map to visualize the path and % coverage by location: https://svs.gsfc.nasa.gov/5073
    This simulator let’s you see what the eclipses will look like from where you live, for October 14 and April 8. https://eclipse2024.org

    It’s also a good idea to get your eclipse glasses now from approved shops: https://eclipse.aas.org/resources/solar-filters

    I’m so excited already!

      • Solar Eclipses!

        You will be able to see a partial eclipse, with more of the sun being covered in Southern California. Check out the simulator I posted above.

    • Anon

      Yes! My city is in the path of totality for the total solar eclipse in April and it’s a big deal locally and for my extended family of eclipse nerds. I’ve had this on my calendar for more than 5 years and can’t believe it’s almost here. Make your travel arrangements ASAP if you’re not in the path of totality and want to travel to see it!

      • Solar Eclipses!

        We’re about 40 miles outside the path of totality. Based on social media posts by the local state police, the last time our state was in the path, traffic to and from was an absolute nightmare. So we will probably sit in our garden and look at 99% coverage. It will be dark.

        • Anon

          We’re about 75 miles outside of the center, and will absolutely be driving for it (likely getting up super early). I’ve seen a bunch of partial eclipses and the experience was nowhere near as cool as the one total solar eclipse I saw as a kid (Hawaii in 1991).

    • Anon

      These links are awesome!! TY f or posting!

      But sadly, I am not in the path of either event.

    • highlander

      The head of emergency services for a county in western New York is urging all schools to shut down on April 8 over fear of “traffic.” There are (unattributed) estimates that “between 50,000 and 1 million” people will be in or drive through the county that weekend. This seems like . . . a bit much?

      • Anon

        We’re very near but not quite in the path of totality (northwest Indiana) and our public schools are off that day. However it’s a teacher work day, of which they have a few per year anyway. I think in our case it’s less about anticipating an influx of visitors and more that a bunch of kids will be absent from school because they’ll be eclipse-watching with their families. Mine definitely would have been.

  18. Anonymous

    I was interested in everyone yesterday who noted they own property for another source of income — can I ask how you decided to put the money towards that instead of just in the market? If you’re the first one in your family who did it, what resources did you use to educate yourself about the process?

    • Anon.

      My husband and I own two rental properties (one apartment, one doctor’s office) in our country of origin in Europe. We are in our early 40s.

      At the time of the purchase, interest rates were very low and we were sitting on extra cash. We did the first purchase cash, and for the second we got a loan in country of origin (an admittedly complex process) just before interest rates hiked up.

      We had a two main goals with the investments:
      First, we wanted to participate in asset appreciation in a growing market .The first property (apartment) is in a European capital, and even if real estate value growth slows, it still appreciates. If in the future we decide to move back to Europe, we will have an asset that we can either live in ourselves or sell it and use the money to buy something else or support ourselves. We could also just keep it as an income source, as rents ever increase (we are taking home ~15kUSD net per year currently ). The second property (doctor’s office) presented itself by accident, in my spouse’s mid-sized hometown. This is sort of a stable investment for us, with a steady income stream of about the same magnitude as the first one.

      Second, we wanted to build a passive income stream to be more independent of pensions/retirement payouts. With about 30kUSD/year in net rental income, we are not quite wher we want to be yet, but we will get there. A tentative goal is 100kUSD in income, so that would mean maybe 4-5 similar investments.

      One important consideration is how involved you would like to be.
      In both cases, our properties are part of larger buildings with at least 40 or so units, and a management company taking care of utilities, repairs etc. This keeps our day-to-day involvement low. We aim for stable renters, so that we do not have to manage applications, turnover, renovations etc frequently.
      We explicitly did not want to buy commercial rental estate in retail, restaurants and such, as these tend to be volatile and very economy-dependent. Doctors offices and apartments are always needed.

      We consider buying local rental estate in the US, but are a bit scared of local laws, regulations, and the general bad shape of investment properties on the market in our city. Some houses are so run down that I’d feel like a slumlord renting them out as is, and we don’t have it in us to undertake big projects like this when we just manage to keep up with our own house. And with current interest rates, we just don’t find it an attractive investment at the moment.

      • Anon.

        Oh, and regarding educating ourselves: No one in our family has done something like this before. Husband and I will be the first generation in our respective families to inherit properties (family homes) from our parents.

        We just did a whole lot of reading, I jump at any webinar on investing and financial planning that Fidelity offers, Googling, and also just following the real estate market (getting some newsletters from Zillow and similar portals abroad for locations that interest us.)

        We are otherwise quite risk averse and do a lot of pencil sharpening especially when it comes to loans. It may not be everyone’s strategy, but we don’t buy into lifestyle creep, and paid off our house in 5 years, for example.

        • Anon.

          Adding that having a local lawyer and notary helps a lot. Paying someone 500 bucks for a consult on contracts, steps and general education has paid off for us.

    • Anon

      My family has a second home (grandparents’ former home that was inherited by my mom and her sibling when they died), but it’s in an area with a short vacation season, and the rental income barely covers the property taxes and maintenance on it. We keep it because we like visiting, not because of the $$.

    • Anon

      I’m one of the last unintentional landlords of the Great Recession, I think. My rental house is in an area where I can find solid tenants, but the house itself, despite being in great shape, isn’t worth much. It seems there are good enough jobs for people to have steady employment, pay a reasonable monthly payment, but not jobs that allow them to save a down payment and/or qualify for a mortgage.

    • Anisette

      I don’t own any property or stocks. I have all my money in cash in the bank, and am fine with that.

  19. Anon

    Dream destinations for a relaxing beach getaway? My husband and I are turning 40 next year and would love to go somewhere really special together without the kids. We travel to Hawaii, Mexico and the Caribbean fairly regularly with our kids, so prefer something more exotic for this trip, but we will only have 8-9 days to travel (from the Midwest) so I think the Maldives and the islands off the east coast of Africa are too far. We went to Bora Bora for a milestone anniversary and absolutely loved it, so going back there is an option but we’re also looking at other South Pacific islands like Fiji and the Cook Islands. Thoughts on these or other suggestions from this well-traveled group?

      • OP

        Sorry, should have mentioned that the trip may have to be in December (our birthdays are in April, but we can’t travel then due to work) so it likely needs to be a tropical place. I love Greece though, we honeymooned there!

        • Cat

          What about hard-to-reach upscale Caribbean as a change from kid-friendly trips? Think about the tiny islands where you have to take a ferry or small plane after the US flight. Mustique? Barbuda?

        • Anonymous

          Oh in December I would look at Costa Rica then. I’d also consider Singapore + Perhentian Islands.

    • Anon

      Costa Rica or Belize, but those are more active than relaxing. Indonesia/Bali is amazing but probably not for an 8 day trip.

    • Runcible Spoon

      Perhaps Portugal, Spain, Italy, or Greece? Consider Mallorca, for example. Enjoy!

      • OP

        We were in Mallorca last year with our kids actually! It was lovely, but the countries you listed (plus Costa Rica, which a couple others suggested) are all very family-friendly and for this trip we would really like to go somewhere that’s either harder to reach or harder to travel in with kids. We would love to stay in an overwater bungalow.

        • Runcible Spoon

          Ah, sounds like you are looking for Bali or Maldives, then. Or an exclusive Six Senses resort? There is a relatively new one on an island that is a 45-minute flight from Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon). Or a sailboat cruise in the Caribbean (which I saw someone else suggest), if you all don’t get seasick. Or the Pimalai Resort and Spa on Koh Lanta in Thailand (fly into BKK, then fly domestic to Krabi, then the resort picks you up via van and speed boat) — the hillside villas are to die for! December is generally a good time to travel to Southeast Asia, but to be honest, the Caribbean and Mediterranean beaches are so much nicer (less grotty sand, fewer harrassing touts and vendors).

        • Runcible Spoon

          Or consider Florianópolis in Brazil? This sounds like so much fun!

        • Runcible Spoon

          Or back to Bora Bora, staying in the overwater bungalows at the St. Regis, which is one connection away from LAX. You might be able to swing a repeat visitor discount. Looks amazing!

      • NYCer

        But 8-9 days seems very long to be there. I would do a shorter trip if you do St Barths.

        I think travel time to Fiji would be 17+ hours from the Midwest, which seems long for a week, but YMMV.

        • OP

          I think it’s definitely a YMMV thing. We felt French Polynesia was well worth it for a week and Fiji is not that much farther. We can get to Fiji in one stop (at LAX) from our small city home airport, which makes it more appealing to my husband who hates having lots of connections. I think the Cook Islands would require at least two, if not three, layovers so that’s probably a no-go.

      • OP

        Are there adults only hotels or resorts on St. Barths? I did think about that as a geographically closer option, but if I recall correctly I couldn’t find any adults only hotels. If we’re not taking our kids, I don’t want to be around other peoples kids.

        • NYCer

          I am not aware of any adults only hotels in St Barths, so if that is critical, it probably wouldn’t be a great option. That being said, none of the luxury resorts are going to be overrun with kids. Are you going during traditional winter / school break time? That could slightly change the calculus, but even so, I have been there at New Years in the past (sans kids), and I never felt like OMG there are so many families here.

  20. Facebook

    I’ve never had a Facebook account. Can I get one and keep my identity secret? I have multiple reasons for doing this, including my person safety, work/professional issues, medical privacy etc..

    But I realize using Facebook is useful in my community for certain very specialized organizations/social things, selling/giving away things, and even for some info/support networks for some rare medical conditions I am involved in.

    Has anyone opened a Facebook account that keeps their anonymity?

    Of course Google/Facebook will know who I am… And I worry that some local groups ?may not welcome me if they notice a new random Facebook account, in this day and age. But there must be other women like me that try to maintain privacy for safety issues?

      • Anon

        Just open it under any random name? It doesn’t expose any identifying info about you? Your email/location/organizations you are linked to etc…?

        • Anon

          No. I’m not sure what you’re expecting, but you can populate your profile with whatever information you want. There are multiple security/privacy options that can hide all your personal info like email address and location. It will give you the option to link your Facebook account with Twitter, IG, etc , so don’t do that if you’re concerned about privacy.

        • Anon

          My deceased dog has a Facebook account. Used a made up last name. Wrote the “birthdate” down because otherwise I would never remember it. Created a gmail account in the former dog’s name to go with it. There is nothing to link it to me unless someone ties the very common dog name from twenty years ago to me.

      • Cerulean

        I had an account with my real name since Facebook began (2003?). A few years ago, they were doing some kind of audit and I was asked to prove I was who I said I was by uploading a form of government ID. Hard pass. I had been considering leaving Facebook and that was the final nail in the coffin. Their TOS stipulate that you have to use your name (or nickname) and not an alias last I checked, but I’m not sure how easily they would flag your account if you used a plausible name.

          • Anon

            No, I have a friend that had that happen to her as well, and it was definitely a real Facebook thing.

        • Cerulean

          It was legit, I went directly to the site and would get the screen asking for ID.

      • anonshmanon

        I had a facebook account with a fake name for many years, and was not particularly active on it (just dming with that one cousin sporadically). Mine was an obviously fake name. Then I did a big move and posted a ton of stuff on the local buy nothing group to get rid of. Either that increase in activity or that particular group somehow triggered something (or maybe someone flagged my account). Anyway, facebook then required a picture of my ID and I had to change it to my real name or they were going to suspend my account. Just fyi.

    • Anon

      Lots of people I know use things like “first name middle name” or “last name first name” to avoid the easy searches to find them.

      HOWEVER, you can’t friend anyone who is also friends with people you don’t want to friend on FB, because FB will constantly recommend you to those people.

      There are public and private groups on FB. If you’re in a public group, anyone on FB can see your activity there, and even if they’re not interested, it will pop up on their feed if you’re friends, or even friends of friends. I prefer to post in private groups for this reason – no one needs to know what a skincare nerd I am!

      • Anon

        There are several people whom I actively avoid but who are FB friends with people I know. My strategy is to preemptively block them.

        • Anon

          Same. My best friend has a friend I can’t stand. I just blocked her on Facebook before she had a chance to send me a friend request.

    • Anon

      Not to be the downer. But you might want to check-in on their requirements for being able to sell on their marketplace if that’s the goal. My Husband got rid of Facebook years ago and created a new account just to be able to re-home stuff. (It’s more popular in our area than Craigslist). He wasn’t able to gain the qualifications again easily. I recall it had to deal with duration of the account, # of friends, activity, etc.

      • OP

        Yeah, this was my main motivator for wanting to do it now.

        I am clearing my parent’s house of stuff, and I give a lot away on Freecycle but want to sell a few things too etc… and neighbors have recommended Facebook multiple times.

    • Sunshine

      I would set up a separate email address for this account and any other social media accounts you decide to open, such as Instagram.

    • Anonymous

      I have neighbors and friends who are doctors who only use first and middle name… one changed her name to a different language (maybe Chinese? not sure). If you use a unique email address, and don’t let people look you up by phone number, you will be as good as invisible on facebook. but if you want to buy/sell or participate in community discussions you can’t be too anonymous of course.

      • Anonymous

        Facebook will figure out who you are even if you use a fake name and don’t link to anyone, then suggest “you may know” to people you know IRL. I don’t try to link to anyone who shows up that way because it’s obvious that they don’t want to be found, but the subterfuge doesn’t really work.

        • Anon

          Yes, Facebook keeps accounts on people who aren’t even on Facebook. It’s not like they’re first introduced to someone when they sign up!

    • anon

      Not really? Since nearly everyone uses a real name, those who are trying to stay anonymous stick out like a sore thumb (no friends, no links, no real info = you look like a scammer). I wouldn’t interact with that account, let alone buy anything from them.

      • Anon

        Yup, that’s the issue with being too private online. If OP is that concerned, she shouldn’t have social media.

    • Explorette

      Your Facebook profile is only going to have the information you populate on it, so I’m not sure what the concern is. Use a fake name and don’t post your personal information, location, etc. Set your privacy settings to the most private options.

    • Anon

      A few things about joining groups. I administer 2 groups, one is for patients with a very specific medical condition and I have membership set up so that there are a bunch of questions that need to be answered prior to be admitted to the group. I would hesitate to allow a brand new user in, even if they did answer all the questions in a correct manner. People in the group really bare their souls, and frequently ask fairly personal medical questions. The other one is a knitting group for my location. For that, I tend to look at the person’s profile, see if they live in the local area, belong to some other local groups and see if they are friends with anyone else already in the group and will admit them or not.
      For the FB group that is I live in xxxx town, for the town I live in, people who ask to join are asked for an address. The administrators of that group have told me that they decline more people than they admit.

      • OP

        That stinks. I was hoping to join the support group for my rare medical problem, and the only one that exists is private on Facebook. My medical problem is so rare… And I really need help/support. Even my specialist hasn’t seen it before, and I can’t get in to see the super-subspecialist for 6 months.

        I had planned to never friend anyone, keep it totally anonymous. But it seems that is impossible. And the last thing I need in my life are people from my past starting to re-connect.

        Just … ugh. Facebook.

        • Anon

          But the alternative is they lower the requirements for letting people in (with fake names, no friends, no reference to where they live) and sadly I promise you a troll will get in and single handedly ruin it for everyone. I’ve seen that happen, literally can make the group defunct because no one wants to post anymore. So it stinks from your perspective (and I’m sorry) but the alternative stinks even more for everyone else.

          • crash

            But I belong to other educational / medical support groups online that are annonymous (everyone has a screen name, like here) and they are great and super useful and very intimate at times. Sadly, that must be harder for smaller groups to maintain.

          • Anon

            Trolls can use real names, real friends, and real locations; admin have to step in whether someone disrupting the group is using their real name or not.

        • Anonymous

          you can set all of your settings to private so only friends can contact you, then don’t make friends. choose an anonymous picture, change it to your first and middle name. i think a lot of people get “friend suggestions” and at this point i think most people don’t want to connect unless they really know someone; plus there’s the general feeling that if people don’t respond they’re just not on fb anymore.

          i’m in a lot of FB groups for various rare diseases and conditions and they’re incredibly valuable – I use them mostly as a very small search engine.

        • Anon

          I mean this is obviously going to vary for each group. I am in a FB support group that a lot of women are embarrassed to be in, and in ours as long as you coherently introduce yourself in the form and explain your diagnosis in a way that makes it obvious you’re not a scammer and a real person with a real issue, they’ll let you in. Don’t be too afraid to try.

        • Anon

          You can join a support group for a rare medical problem on Facebook using a burner. I did; it’s fine. What keeps these groups valuable is moderation, not real life identities.

          • OP

            Oh – do you mean I don’t even need a Facebook account?!?! Just a burner email?

  21. Anon*

    Question about weight gain/loss and antidepressants–

    I recently started taking Effexor XR, which is supposed to be a weight-neutral SNRI, but I’ve heard a ton of anecdotal evidence of people gaining 10+ lbs on it. So far it’s actually cut my appetite quite a bit, but I’m curious about why this is such a common side effects of SSRIs/SNRIs. Does anyone know the science behind why so many antidepressants cause weight gain? Does it just increase your appetite or does it actually do something to your metabolism/body that causes the gain irrespective of diet and exercise? And has anyone here been on SNRI/SSRIs long term, avoided weight gain, and have any advice?

    Obviously some weight is a small price to pay for better mental health, but alas I am vain.

    • Anon

      Yeah, my antidepressants supposedly don’t cause weight gain either but that’s BS in my experience. I definitely wasn’t eating very well when I was in the depths of my depression so feeling better meant I had more of an appetite, but I do wonder if there’s more to it.

    • Anon

      For me, when my anxiety is through the roof, I lose appetite and lose weight. For many people when they are depressed/anxious, they eat more or eat poorly (sometimes even more binge eating, eating for comfort/soothing). So it does depend upon your type of mental health issue, your body/food tendencies, your stressors/environment, your eating habits etc… So when you treat the anxiety/depression, you can see how different people may have different effects just from this alone. And then the SNRIs may affect appetite directly etc..

      As with clothing, different meds can work differently for different people…. we all have different bodies/minds/genetics/environment to start with.

      But it is true that sometimes your close relatives respond to SNRIs/SSRIs similarly. So always take note if certain psych meds work better/worse for other members of your family. It may be similar for you.

    • Anonymous

      For me the weight gain started at around the 2 year mark. Wish I knew why. My doctor said that timing is common.

    • anon

      Anecdotally, I think they can do things to the metabolism regardless of diet and exercise. It’s individual and hard to tell. Kind of like BC pills. I remember when I first started my SSRI, I had less of an appetite, but that seemed to correct itself over time.

    • Anon

      I was advised that SSRIs can worsen prediabetes, but maybe that’s only for people who already have it (I do). I wasn’t given the same cautions about Strattera (no idea about Effexor).

    • Anon

      I have been using this medication for years and have noticed no weight changes in any direction.

  22. anoncat

    As we move into fall, my thoughts are turning to new sweaters. What sweaters are you all eyeing for the season? So far my picks are the striped Betty cardigan from Sezane, the Chelsea sweater from Demylee, and a cashmere polo sweater (haven’t found the right one yet).

    • Anon

      I bought a loose merino wool oatmeal colored sweater at Theory factory on super sale in the spring and I’m having a hard time not wearing it every day. I’m thinking of getting one of the Sezane fluffy cardigans, as all my cardigans are more fitted, and I’m in a “loose sweater” mood right now.

    • Anonymous

      I just bought a black cashmere cardigan from Quince to keep in the office – my office is cold in the mornings, and I figured keeping it in the office would make me more likely to get good use out of it! I’ve never ordered from Quince before so it’s an experiment.

    • H13

      Have you had a sweater from Demylee before? Can you comment on fit? I like the look!

      • Anon

        I am also interested – I haven’t heard of this brand before but like the looks of it.

  23. Champagne Problems

    What should I get for a work potluck from Trader Joe’s that requires no real preparation (microwave, fridge, freezer) but is not the equivalent of bringing a bag of tortilla chips? Thanks!!

    • Anon

      Can you bring a dessert? Those frozen sampler cakes ( Sweet Bites? Dessert Bites?) just need to be defrosted.

    • Anon

      Dessert tray. Tees leches cake just needs to be defrosted. Add in some mini cupcakes and moon cookies. Fill in the spaces on the tray with candies.

    • Anon

      1 bag of cut up romaine, or a bag of romaine hearts that you cut up. A bottle of caesar dressing. A tub of grated parmesan. A bag or two of croutons.

      I swear this is my “famous” caesar salad I bring to all potlucks, and everyone asks me to bring it again. I think people are just glad to see something green on a potluck table, and garlicky + fatty always goes down well.

      • Anonymous

        I would totally eat this and be thrilled it was on the table but eyeroll (in solidarity with you) to this being called “famous.”

        • Anon

          I know. I laughed so hard when the potluck organizer referred to it that way, but now it’s been said many times by many people and I’m just like, OK!

    • Anonymous

      my hot take: I really like the dips from trader joes, i’d get a few of the weirder ones, baby carrots, some bread, and yes, maybe tortilla chips, and call it a day.

    • Anonymous

      Mix pre-cooked lentil, bruschetta sauce and crumbled feta together. It’s good on it’s own or with crackers.

    • Anon

      A friend was running late for a pot luck and her work had gone into crisis a couple of days before. Her available prep time was zero. She stopped at the store and bought a few bags of raw sugar snap peas, washed them off in a sink, dried with paper towels, and threw them in a borrowed bowl. They were a hit. The cluster of people at this potluck was around that bowl.

  24. Winter

    I have an eye doctor appointment this week, and I will probably get new frames. Looking around the office, it seems like people are still wearing bigger styles. I wasn’t ready for that last time, and my glasses are still small. Any advice on what to consider? What’s in style for glasses? I wore giant glasses in the 90s…is it time to do that again?

    • Anon

      It is always time to get the frames that provide the correction you need and fit properly.

    • Anon

      Small glasses with a thick frame make me picture the female boss in 2000s romcom. I think big glasses are popular these days because they’re more practical. But the shapes and frame styles vary- don’t be afraid of color. Pick whatever complements your face.

    • Anon

      I recently bought new glasses and had this dilemma. I am not fashion forward and was not pleased with my look in the large, heavy frames. I ended up with a classic style, slightly larger than usual, in a dark tortoise shell. I love them. They are “me”.

  25. AnoNL

    This is a long shot, but… did anyone here take pregabaline for chronic [lower] back pain [triggered by herniated discs and/or degenerative disc disease]? I have 2 bulging discs that caused some pain from time to time and miraculously, the pain disappeared Jan-Apr’23. But then – omg – the pain was back and is excruciating when I am sitting for an hour.
    I do stretching, core exercises, I do proper strength training and cardio, weight is good, muscle mass is excellent, body posture is great, I alternate between standing/sitting at work, I walk to most places. But the pain is just not willing to give up. I was painfree few months back, so I still have hope I can get back to that state.
    I know the obvious answer here is ‘go see your doctor, have tests done’ and I will do it [and if I need a surgery, I will do that too]. The pregabaline is something we have discussed last time and I wonder if anyone had a good experience with it. I am not even 40… why do I have to deal with this….

  26. Pain

    I would do multiple things. Absolutely see your neurologist/doc and have them reexamine you to see if there is a reason/trigger for the change and if there are any other changes on your exam. Then get ascript for PT asap so that an expert can start addressing it – don’t diagnose yourself – maybe you have a change that needs different exercise/strengthening, manual work, ultrasound,wraps, heat, whatever….

    Yes think about a brief trial of NSAIDS while you are doing therapy for pain relief first. Sure if NSAIDS don’t work try a nerve pain medicine if they are sure it is nerve pain. I would use gabapentin first rather than the newer lyrica. They are sister medicines. Lyrica tends to have more side effects than gabapentin.

    Doesn’t mean you will be on it forever!

    I’d also consider yoga, acupuncture etc.. after the other things if you are still having trouble. some of these problems resolve with time, sometimes they becomes chronic and wax/wane with aging. sometimes even injections with a pain specialists with anti-inflammatories can help.

    And let me tell you, the health ride is still to come for most of us my dear. It sounds like you are very lucky and doing great so far. But I know it’s all relative….

    • AnoNL

      Thank you! Yes, doctor visit is a must, they are just so … underwhelming here (which is a shock for me). But you’re absolutely right. They need to pinpoint what is the development & trigger.

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