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I was looking through one of our old posts on comfortable heels the other day and noticed that a few readers had recommended this particular style from Calvin Klein a few years ago. I was impressed to see that it's still available, full price, in numerous colors — this is the mark of a solid shoe, in my experience. It's racked up 297 positive reviews on Zappos (four star rating), and looks like a great budget-friendly option if you're looking for a low heel (1.5″). It's available in five colors, sizes 5-11, at Zappos for $69. (6pm.com has a leopard pony version for $71, also.) Calvin Klein DiemaSales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
Has anyone ordered from MM Lafleur? Comments on quality?
Leigh
I have ordered two Tarantin wraps. I don’t know that they’re worth the price, honestly.
They put a tag on the outside of the clothes to prevent returns of worn merchandise, but they don’t put it through a seam. So any time you purchase something, and cut the tag off, you’re going to have a hole in the fabric. A small hole, but if I’m paying almost $200 for a cardigan, I want it to be in perfect shape. Because of that and snags in several places, I contacted them: they told me to send it back and they would replace it. The replacement had more snags, a green marker streak in the back inside, the button hole is too big for the button, and I still had the hole from the tag. I contacted them a second time, and didn’t hear anything back.
With that said, the fabric is great and I love the item itself, but I’m not sure they’re worth the price. I got a box with several items in it, and the fabric of the dresses didn’t seem all that great. I wouldn’t have paid the asking price for them.
Charlotte York
I ordered two dresses from them and returned both. For the price point, I felt like the fabric was low quality, the fit and construction were poor and they were not lined. For reference, I typically buy Trina Turk dresses and these just didn’t stack up. I did order a dress from Dobbin Clothing and I kept that. It was a lower price point, but the fit was good, the fabric was decent it seems to be holding up well.
Anonymous
This spring I ordered a handful dresses from MM LaFleur.
Overall, I was pleased with fit, quality and customer service.
FYI – some dresses were lined and some were not.
Kept only 1 (my new job wasn’t as formal as I had anticipated).
Also ordered the Morandi sweater (love) and Bird of Paradise scarf.
Do agree that price point is a bit high, relative to my other dresses.
(FYI – I buy a lot of JCrew Super 120’s on sale)
Anon
Any reviews on Rebecca Minkoff booties? There is a pair on sale and they’re so cute but I can’t seem to find any reviews online…
Wanderlust
TJ: Seeking recommendations for an invisalign dentist in NYC. Also, I’m skeptical buying a groupon for quasi-medical services, but has anyone had any experience negotiating invisalign prices?
KittyKat
From my research wholesale for invasilign is about 500, so orthodontists make a huge profit margin on it. I wish I could help with your other queries, best of luck!
Parfait
Not in NYC and this may be an overly-helpy unhelpful comment, but do make sure that invisalign is going to work well for your particular issue. I went with classic braces because I have an overbite and the invisalign would not be effective for that. I’d be worried if you go to an invisalign-only shop, that’s all they’ll sell you.
S In Chicago
Talk to people who have gone through treatment before committing. I spent more than $2,000 (not a severe issue either-I had braces in high school and just didn’t stick with retainers). Three miserable years later and eventual need for metal braces since teeth still weren’t getting straight (at times looked way worse) and I now have horrendous tmj and am wearing a night guard (another $600) for life. I consider it one of the worst choices of my life. A coworker who started at the same time with a different ortho isn’t done and has no knowledge of when she will be and is incredibly unhappy as well. Cost is the least consideration. More is end result and the hassle of constant visits and length of treatment. Are you ready for appointments every 2-3 weeks (in fairness, sometimes longer) and possibly for a couple of years? I was lucky because I work from home several days a week and it was still tough. I also did a lot of research, choosing an ortho who is a preferred provider and who offers a variety of treatments and even lectures-and I still had this awful result! Definitely NOT a Groupon purchase.
Wanderlust
Ugh, I am so sorry to hear about your experience! Definitely something I’ll consider, especially since my situation sounds like yours (not much work needing to be done, just “should’ve used the retainer” regret).
Gem
Has anyone tried the Vince Camuto Karita Over the Knee Boot? I’d like a review
Picky Feet
I’m looking for a sneaker to be worn just running around for errands, but not for actual running. Any suggestions? I used to have a great pair of Pumas, but they don’t seem to make that style anymore. Something slip on, fairly comfortable, looks good with shorts, casual skirts and jeans.
roses
They’re not exactly slip-on, but the line of Keds in different prints at Nordstrom are very cute and the shoelace only comes about halfway down your foot.
houda
I thought about keds too as a dressed up version of pumas
Becky
I love my Toms for this kind of thing, but it seems like people either love or hate the way they look. Super comfy though.
BB
Nike and Ryka. The Rykas are super cute and slip on, but a bit less supportive than most Nike shoes. Both brands have awesome color selections though.
Anon
I like the Puma Zandy slip-ons. They come in lots of cute colors and are very comfortable.
Picky Feet
The Zandy looked perfect but sadly did not fit.
Orangerie
Vans ‘Classic’ slip ons. I like the plain old white but J.Crew also has a collection of printed ones right now.
Wildkitten
+100
Spirograph
+100 more
Silver
Sperrys!
Emm
Superga…available on Zappos and at Banana Republic too now.
Cimorene
Converse! Very comfy and they just make me feel happy.
Cb
I had these really light mesh Pumas but they don’t seem to be available. I’ve been eyeing the Merrell barefoot runners as I like something super light. But Converse are my standby.
Help for a real estate Newbie - buying cash
I have never bought real estate before. I am currently renting a one bedroom condo in an older complex with 35 condos. Updated in 2002, and fine for me. It is in a desirable suburb of Chicago, very convenient for driving/public transportation to downtown. It is perfect for frugal, single me at this time in my life.
My “landlord” just offered to sell me the condo for about half of what they paid for it in 2008. It is kind of a bargain, and I am considering it. They offered $75k, and honestly, I can probably offer them $65 and I think they will take it. They just want to get rid of it. They also didn’t pay for it (parents paid for it as a gift), so it seems like they are less in it for the money.
I have substantial savings and am very frugal. I could save about $450 per month by paying cash for it now, as my rent is $1000 and my assessments+tax would be $550. I have some money sitting in a nearly 0% interest account right now and am debating buying the condo, since I am scared how high the market is and feel that a correction is in the future. Buying this now may make sense for me, and would diversify my holdings a bit. I also have a lot more in savings, so this wouldn’t ding me too bad.
Question… as I have never bought before, don’t really know people here to ask, and the few people I know have never bought cash. Any recs/warnings? I want to still hire a appraiser and inspector to know what I am getting into, and will need a lawyer. But what is the right order of how to proceed? No realtor? Any idea of how to manage closing costs (or what they are…) for a cash deal?
Thanks.
Rachelellen
That sounds like an amazing opportunity. You might want to run some numbers with a mortgage broker just for fun though. The low rate you’d pay for financing could be negated by the tax break and offer a little flexibility in the future. And even if you don’t go that route, don’t forget to factor in the deductibility of some of that $550.
Nonny
This, plus it may be to your benefit to have a mortgage (even if a nominal amount) under your name for purposes of maintaining your credit rating.
Bonnie
This. Depending on your interest rate, a mortgage is also a way to save on taxes, since you can write off the interest and invest the money at a higher rate of return.
Help for a real estate Newbie - buying cash
I wondered about this, but isn’t it better not to waste any $$ paying interest at all?
Especially since I can’t guarantee a higher rate of return elsewhere. The market is no guarantee… and I don’t have any insider investment experts guiding me towards other alternatives. Right now most of my money is in S&P 500 index funds, because that’s about my level of sophistication/comfort level. This purchase would help me diversify, as right now there aren’t really good “conservative” options for this money. At least a little real estate would diversify me a little…
And if I’m thinking this through correctly, me buying the condo at 65-75k… then I will “save” about 8% a year on this “investment” due to saved $$ on rent. And they will definitely increase my rent next year, so this will only increase. It is very likely condo will increase in value as well, as the location is solid. So an 8% gain per year + possible gain if/when I sell seems pretty good.
But I truly appreciate your suggestions folks, as I realize I am very naive and am not sure if I am simplifying things too much.
Anonymous
Depends on OP’s tax situation – – but most likely there would be no tax savings. You only save on taxes if you itemize deductions (itemized must be in excess of standard deduction). Interest expense on a $75k loan would probably not make the cut-off and if it did it would be a marginal savings.
Help for a real estate Newbie - buying cash
This was my thought. I have “tried” itemizing in the past, but it hasn’t been more than the standard deduction for the past few years.
Rachelellen
For such a small purchase price you might be right. Or it might be worth a quick call to a mortgage broker to run numbers.
Anonymous
Keep in mind that your property taxes and state income taxes ($$$$ in a corrupt state like IL) are also only available as itemized deductions. It sounds like it’s not worth itemizing for you with just state income taxes going on there, but property taxes and potentially mortgage interest may give you a bump to have a marginal extra deduction over the standard. It’s at least worth running the numbers.
My two cents is that I’d much rather have the money in savings (or an investment account earning 5%). I think you’re failing to factor the lost return you’d make on that money (over the mortgage interest) versus throwing it all into paying cash, where it won’t earn any return because the house is not going to appreciate *that* much.
reminder....
Remember….. I would earn 8% a year on saved rent. That’s a pretty nice return for me!
I have a lot of money invested in the stock market already and I want some money out of the market because it is too high for my comfort level. That’s why I sold – to capture some gains/tax reasons, and to figure out a more conservatively place to park some of it. And no bank savings account/CD can even beat the rate of inflation these days, rates are so low….
So you are right that the main question for me… I should compare what the I would be doing with the money if I didn’t by the Condo. Probably not much…. maybe the best CD I could find, but it would give a terrible yield.
I am not relying upon the condo appreciating. But I think it will, as I live in a desirable location.
long time lurker
One of my relatives just sold his house to a buyer who paid in cash. At my advice , my relative contacted a lawyer and had the lawyer contact the buyer’s lawyer and negotiate the contract. I imagine much less time is needed to close when you pay cash (I didn’t on my own home). You will still have fees for title searching I would imagine, plus attorneys’ fees, plus possible some tax due. DEFINITELY hire an inspector – mine found a couple things I used to negotiate the price downward. I think an appraiser is only hired by the bank offering a mortgage to do “comps” – which may not be necessarily in your case since you think the price is about half of what they paid. But – a Big Note – I am not in Illinois and totally unfamiliar with the real estate market there.
Help for a real estate Newbie - buying cash
This is really helpful. Thank you!
I have been debating where to “start” because I’d rather not hire a bunch of folks and start working with lawyers when maybe everything will fall through anyway once I request the building financials or do an inspection. But maybe that’s how it works?
I’m also very unsure of how to even start this process. Do I just say, “I’m interested…. can I do an inspection and get the financials?” and then get a lawyer involved without talking about price yet? Do I give a counter offer now, or later only after the inspection/appraisal is done? Or should I have a realtor involved to give me advice, or is that a waste of $$ since she has almost nothing to do but answer a few questions for me? I’m a little embarrassed that I don’t know how this works.
While at first I thought the 75k was a great deal, I have learned that there have been multiple short sales/sales in the building over the past 3 years. 7 sold out of 35 over the past 3 years. All sold in 3-6 months. Of course, this could also be a negative until I see the financials, but a neighbor who moved in 2 years ago didn’t know anything about any concerning issues such as people not paying assessments (she was pretty clueless though….). Condos have sold as low as 37k two years ago for the one equivalent to mine (2nd floor, facing street,no parking space), up to 75k for a nicer unit than mine (top floor, facing back, +parking space).
So part of me feels that even though my landlord is taking a huge hit by offering me my unit at 75k, honestly it is probably “worth” less right now because the condo market in the Chicago area has NOT bounced back yet in many areas. My neighbor actually told me I should offer them less, although I feel kinda bad about it….. They could always say no of course, and then it is likely they will put it on the market again soon and I will need to move.
The idea of having to move ALONE is making me consider buying it. Gosh, I hate moving.
Hildegarde
I can’t offer advice on whether you should buy, since I don’t know you or the real estate market in Chicago. However, closing costs on a cash deal are typically lower than for a deal involving a loan. You would likely need to pay any transfer tax on the property (not sure how this works in IL), and to record the deed. If you want title insurance, you would have to pay a title insurance premium, fee for the title exam, and likely a closing fee to the title company. The seller would typically bring their own deed. However, all this can be negotiated with the seller; whatever the purchase contract provides is what you’ll be paying, so make sure you read it.
Basically any real estate lawyer would be able to draw up a purchase contract, help you negotiate it, and walk you through the process. When a bank is not involved, a residential closing is usually pretty simple. Don’t hesitate to ask your lawyer or the title company questions at any point; they should be able to explain what each fee is for and why it is necessary, line by line.
Help for a real estate Newbie - buying cash
Thank you for these details. I am very unfamiliar with the details of a closing and don’t know what most of the things you mention are. But I appreciate you saying that the lawyer should be helpful here.
Any idea what closing costs tend to run in a situation like this? Maybe 2 or 3 thousand, plus lawyer/appraiser/inspector fees… whatever they are :)
Hildegarde
I’m not sure if you’re still reading this, but in case you are: it’s tough for me to estimate closing costs, because I don’t live or work in Illinois. However, I would estimate less than $1000, not including inspection costs (because you would pay the home inspector before closing), appraisal costs (because whether you get an appraisal is optional), and attorney’s fees. Ask the attorney for an estimate of fees before you hire him/her, and keep in mind that attorneys often bill by the hour, so the more questions and conversations you have, the more it will cost. That is, if you have a lot of questions, expect the charge to be on the higher end of the estimated range.
I notice below that you want to review financial information about the condo building. Typically you sign a purchase contract and pay a deposit, and then have a due diligence period (often 30-45 days) during which the sellers or the condo building provide you all this information and you review it. Depending on the language in the purchase contract, if you don’t like what you find you just terminate the contract, the deposit is returned to you, and you go on your merry way. But yes, these investigations happen after you sign the contract.
Help for a real estate Newbie - buying cash
Yes, I am still reading. I wasn’t able to get back to the thread to read all of your helpful responses until last night, so I appreciate you adding your comments.
Your post is so helpful. Thank you VERY much. Just getting a vague idea of costs is helpful to me.
Do you think I should talk to a realtor at all, or just try to swing this on my own?
So do I hire a lawyer first to help with the purchase contract, or is that contract “standard” and the seller’s lawyer presents this? Do you usually just have the advertised price in the purchase contract, and then negotiate later after the financial review/appraisal/inspection are done, or do I make an initial offer NOW which will form the basis of the purchase contract if the seller is interested?
Former Partner, Now. In-House
If the issue is that you would rather have your cash in an appreciating asset (the condo) than in a non-appreciating asset (the 0% account), then I think you might consider looking into how much, if at all, you can expect the condo to appreciate. Perhaps you already have but just did not mention it here.
I say this because I have always lived in areas where real estate does nothing but appreciate (yes, even during the crisis). But about ten years ago I went house hunting with a friend in a totally different part of the country and a different type of neighborhood. It took me some time to actually understand that prices there never move up, they just stay the same for years and years. I think you just want to know which type of market you are buying into.
Help for a real estate Newbie - buying cash
Very good point.
I tried to look at this without focusing on the resale value too much, since I don’t know when that will be and I never like to “predict” future returns. That’s why in my mind I was focusing on the cost savings on my “investment” now in saved rent. Any appreciation is frosting on the cake…
But your point is excellent nonetheless.
I have also lived primarily in very expensive cities (San Francisco, Boston, NY) so I am used to those crazy markets. Since moving to Chicago, I have realized what a reasonably priced city it is. It is definitely not an area where real estate only appreciates, but it is definitely undervalued in many areas. It is still shocking to me how badly the condo market here took a hit with the crash. There are deals and steals to be made.
Fortunately, my location will always be desirable to singles/young couples moving out of the city but wanting to be nearby (I can walk to the train to get downtown or get on the expressway in 3 minutes). It is not new and shiny, but it is practical and convenient.
My main concerns are if there are any building issues (financial /structural) that waiting to be revealed.
Scully
Not familiar with the real estate market in Chicago, but typically condos are not as desirable on resale and do not appreciate as much as single family. How is the financial health of the condo (i.e., reserves)? How many renters vs. owners? How many vacanies/foreclosures? How is voting power distributed? Who manages the place? Not trying to scare you off, and its sounds like you have a great deal, but just some additional things to consider when getting involved with an association.
Help for a real estate Newbie - buying cash
Yes, yes, yes. These are my main unanswered questions that I want to find out. Do I have the right to ask them now, and do they have to tell me?
Things I want to ask for (or am I crazy….)…
Balance sheet
Last reserve study
Minutes of last few meetings
Copy of certificate of insurance (I’m not sure what this is, but something said I should ask….)
Bylaws
In addition to asking about how many vacancies/foreclosures/units in arrears etc.. if they aren’t clear from the documents.
Am I crazy for asking for these? Can they refuse?
Or do I have to make an offer/give promise $/sign something first?
It seems crazy to me that I have to put $ down before I get information that would help me decide whether or not to buy, but maybe that’s how it works?
You bring up excellent points though. It appears that the building is self run, yet the residents I have talked to are totally uninvolved and happy with the status quo.
The condo association is run primarily by one of the residents. It seems that he has done a pretty good job, as my landlord has had no superficial complaints with how the building has been run. Very clean, very organized, reasonable small upgrades being done (ex. updated storage lockers into closed closets in the basement). But there are some “rumors” that the manager (off site, call for problems) is his relative, and that the handyman who comes to fix building issues is also a relative. At first I didn’t like that, but part of me thinks…. well, if this guy lives here, he is motivated to do a decent job and run the building well and hire people who do a decent job. But of course, you can also think something much worse….
GD
Apologies in advance to those who have struggled with TTC.
Has anyone suffered from gender disappointment? I’m having a 3rd boy and thinking about all of the things I’ll never get to do without a daughter ends in tears. Not so much the girl clothes and hair and barbies, but the mother-daughter relationship, raising a daughter, being there for a daughter’s wedding and children. Yes, I know these things aren’t guaranteed even if you have a daughter, but it’s still a loss of possibility. And I don’t believe it’s the same with a son and daughter-in-law. I guess I’m not looking for advice because nothing can take away the heartbreak, just commisseration.
Lyssa
I don’t have any advice or experience, but I understand – I have one (much adored!) boy now, and (currently hypothetical) #2 will probably be the end of the line, and this is definitely something that I fear. I can see huge advantages of having 2 boys (or more), but I would definitely miss the chance to get to do girly things with a little girl. I know that that’s shallow in some ways, but I still feel that way. So, I commiserate. Perhaps the good thing is that you know now, and have time to get past it by the time that baby boy comes. And I bet that your other two sons are or will be ecstatic. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!
Bewitched
I have 3 boys, and while each time I hoped for a girl, I don’t think I had as much of an emotional reaction as you describe. That said, with #3 I had to have amnio, and I chose not to find out what I was having. I thought that if I found out it was a boy, I’d be upset for the rest of my pregnancy, but if they handed me a boy, I’d be OK with it because I had my baby in my arms. Not sure this helps, but just to say that I think some of your emotions may pass when you get to hold your baby! (and when pregnancy hormones pass….) I may be a unique case though, since almost all my siblings had boys (there was 1 girl), so I didn’t have too much of a chance to be around little girls and mourn what I didn’t have. I did take my niece to the Nutcracker and similar which my boys would never want to go see!
CKB
I also have 3 boys, and most of the time, the lack of a daughter doesn’t bother me at all. I did find out my third was a boy just a couple of weeks before he was born, and I was thankful for that because I had myself half convinced (ok, 3/4 convinced) he was a girl, so I was glad to get that disappointment over with before he was born, but while I was still so uncomfortable that I just wanted him to be born.
Anyway, I could try to convince you of all the great reasons to have all boys (so glad I don’t have to deal with a teenage girl!) but I think my best advice is to just let yourself mourn all the “could have beens”, and then focus on the great kids you have. Maybe try reading this poem – it’s about dealing with special needs, but I think it has some application any time the reality won’t be the same as expectations http://learningnestofmaui.blogspot.ca/2007/07/to-holland-by-emily-perl-kingsley.html. It’s not that having 3 boys is a bad thing, but it’s different than what you had hoped.
Anon
Some good, on-point comments in this post – http://corpor***emoms.com/maternity-monday-v-neck-dress/
tesyaa
This has nothing to do with TTC, but “heartbreak” just seems too strong of a word… maybe your extreme reaction is partly due to pregnancy hormones? But if you really feel that strongly, I’d advise having a 4th child and doing preimplantation gender selection.
Anon
“But if you really feel that strongly, I’d advise having a 4th child and doing preimplantation gender selection.”
And while you’re at it, make sure she’s pretty.
WTF?
tesyaa
I realize having a 4th child is not going to work for most people who were planning on only having 3 children, but if someone is going to be truly heartbroken over not having a daughter, there is the option to try again. I understand that selecting an embryo by gender may be against some religious or moral creeds, but not all, and I realize it’s not necessarily affordable, but it’s an option.
She wrote “Nothing can take away the heartbreak.” I feel sad for her. Why should she live her life regretting what might have been if there is an option to still have a daughter?
Frou Frou
Can you do gender selection for a preference now? When I was TTC via IVF, I was told that gender selection is only a possibility for genetic risks, not for preference. Before the haters pile on, we didn’t have a preference, but asked just to better understand the level of choice that we really had.
tesyaa
I remember reading that some practitioners will do it for “family balancing”, which would be the OP’s situation.
Orangerie
“Yes, I know these things aren’t guaranteed even if you have a daughter”
I think you know this is true, but don’t actually believe it. A child’s personality and life experiences can vary so much regardless of its s3x (which btw is different than gender).
ITDS
You are assuming that the daughter you would have had would conform to your fantasy of how a daughter should be. What if she didn’t?
Em
Yeah, I kind of feel for the girls born into those situations and how much pressure there must be on them to conform to their mother’s idea of girlhood.
Moonstone
It’s not fun.
Anonymous
I had this problem. To this day I feel like my mother doesn’t like me much because I wasn’t the daughter she wanted. I think expectations rarely match reality, and knowing that usually helps me let go of expectations I don’t think I should have. You don’t really have a way of knowing what you’re missing out on, and even if you had a daughter, you don’t know what you’d miss out on by having another son. I get that in some macro sense, that’s not true, but seriously reality rarely conforms to expectations.
Hollis
I know people who have been in your shoes, and they ended up adopting a girl. If you can afford it and it matters that much to you, that may be an option to consider.
Wildkitten
I know people who have done this as well.
Manhattanite
I understand how you feel. It doesn’t mean you’ll love your boys less. Just that you are mourning the road not taken. Your feelings are completely valid without blaming pregnancy hormones.
Mpls
This. Don’t have any kids myself, but this idea can apply to so many things. You are grieving the death of possibility. Which is totally okay. Acknowledge and mourn that you won’t have that particular relationship in your life, but don’t don’t discount that parts of that type of relationship may surface in other venues. Nieces or children of your friends. You may have a future DIL that turns out to be the daughter you would have wanted (without the angst of the teenage years). Work on building some of the features you wanted with a daughter into the lives of your sons (as their/your interests allow).
There are so many forks in the life of a parent that this will probably not be the first death of possibility that you encounter. It’s a lesson in acknowledgement and moving on.
Maizie
“There are so many forks in the life of a parent that this will probably not be the first death of possibility that you encounter. It’s a lesson in acknowledgement and moving on.”
Yes, this! Our kids arrive as and continue to be their own distinct selves rather than a perfect reflection of our hopes or expectations. Hopefully they will grow into adulthood at peace with themselves and the ways that they contribute to the world, whether that’s curing cancer or smiling at a caretaker.
That said, I get your disappointment. Just don’t let it overshadow the blessing of having three healthy, lively, energetic kids who all happen to be male. Make sure you have time with your partner and by yourself to recharge your batteries–even if it’s just ten minutes a day! Plus you can still improve women’s lives by raising your sons to respect and enjoy women as equals. (And you’ll miss the worst of the mother-daughter conflict drama!)
Frou Frou
“There are so many forks in the life of a parent that this will probably not be the first death of possibility that you encounter. It’s a lesson in acknowledgement and moving on.”
Yup. Such a great way to explain the realities of parenting.
Anonymama
I just had a second boy, and I think once the baby actually arrives, you won’t be able to shine your family any differently. Just remember that the loss of all those hypothetical might-have-beens will soon be supplanted by the reality of the relationship you will have with your actual child. I’m inferring that you have a really close relationship with your mom, and you were looking forward to sharing that same kind of relationship with a daughter? It’s okay to be sad about it, as long as it doesn’t interfere with your relationship with your sons. And that you are also picturing an idealized mother-daughter relationship that wouldn’t necessarily be reflective of how an actual daughter would behave.
Anonymama
Also, I wonder if part of your reaction is pre-partum depression… You might want to talk to your doctor about it.
Gossip
How do you deal with a significant other’s friend saying negative things about you behind your (and SO’s) back? I’m not going to confront this friend – that’s SO’s job, imo – but I’m not sure that SO is willing to have a chat with friend about it either. Should I insist?
I’m inclined to try to avoid this friend as much as possible, but friend will still hang out with (and gossip to) SO’s other friends who I do hang out with. I have a lot of social anxiety issues, and while I can normally pull it together, knowing that someone is out there actively talking sh*t about me is really more than I can deal with. How can I face this friend group?
McGiggles
This sounds hard. Honestly I would probably pull the person aside and ask why they are saying X Y Z thing about you. Maybe your SO could be there too. I think it’s better to bring things out in the open than have underlying tension. I would try to do it in a calm, non-confrontational way. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Editing to say that not hanging out with them anymore also makes sense to me, just my above suggestion for if you have to see them on any sort of regular basis through other friends, etc.
OP
I tend to deal with things out in the open, too, which is why I’m having such a hard time with this. The problem is I hear all this nonsense second or thirdhand, and I don’t want to put our other mutual friends in the middle of it. I feel like SO’s friend is the kind of person to just deny he said anything. It’s so much easier when people say things to your face or at least in your presence so you can address it at the time.
McGiggles
Hmm maybe just ignore it in that case they. I’m assuming your friends are telling you this guy is saying stuff because they think he is being ridiculous. This reflects on his character and they probably discredit him and what he says. If they agreed with him, they wouldn’t then be telling you about what he’s saying.
Ginjury
Your mutual friends are already putting themselves in the middle of it by telling you this guy is talking about you. I really question your mutual friends’ motives. My general MO in this type of situation is to tell the person to knock it off because I like so-and-so and not bring it to so-and-so’s attention because there is nothing to be gained from it. Why do these people feel the need to tell you someone is saying rude things about you?
I think you should tell this guy that it bothers you/hurts your feelings that he’s saying these things about you, avoid him as best you can, and tell your mutual friends that you don’t want to hear about it if he continues talking sh!t about you.
Godzilla
Tell your friends to stop telling you – just straight up “Don’t tell me about these things, I don’t care”. And consider your so-called “friends” – why is Gossiper so comfortable talking smack about you to them?
Wildkitten
Is your relationship new? I have a friend whose SO’s friends said some not-nice things early in their relationship but now it’s been years and they’re married and nobody cares.
Monte
Are these negative comments lies (things you never did that he is blaming you for) or subjective but unflattering (he doesn’t like you because he thinks you are not nice, rude, whatever)? I completely agree that his friends should not be reporting these things, but whether I would have the SO address it with him depends on whether these are falsehoods, which should be corrected, or dude’s personal negative opinion of you, which he is entitled to. We have all had friends who take up with people we don’t know, and it is the mature thing to mention it once and let it go (barring real safety/health issues), but saying that you cannot have (or share) a negative opinion is inappropriate. People running to tell you about it, though, seems intentionally hurtful.
Ellen
I agree with MacGiggel’s that the issue is hard. But NO one has come up with the obvious solution. Talk to your SO and tell him he has experienced his last sexual episode with you until you get his freind to stop talking bad about you. If that does NOT stop, then you will NOT be intimate with him. Once it doe’s then you will start being intimate again. This alway’s works. Men will do anything if they know sex is on the line.
I am sorry to be late to the p’osting, but Mason messed everything up and I had to redo everything and file it by 5:00 pm. I just made it. FOOEY! b/c Mason should know better. Now I can go home b/c it is after 6 and the workers should be gone. The manageing partner’s brother is overseeing it, and after the manageing partner asked, I gave him a key to my apartement so that he can use the toilet and kitchen during the day. I hope he does NOT go thru my thing’s.
Maddie Ross
The comment by “Help for a real estate Newbie – buying cash” above regarding her feeling that there is going to be “correction” in the market has me wondering – does anyone else feel as though the economy (house prices and stock market) are bounding back a little too swiftly? Anyone else feel we’re heading for another correction?
AIMS
Not sure about the stock market, but speaking strictly of NYC real estate, it really does feel like we’re living in a huge bubble. I understand that part of what is causing the prices to skyrocket every quarter is foreign investors who think of real estate as a safe place to park their money and the fact that people aren’t moving away like they used to, but it’s insane how much people are paying for tiny walk up apartments here. I can’t help but think that at some point people who can afford to pay $650K on a pied a terre with $1000 monthly maintenance charges are going to want better amenities than what they are getting. Not to mention that if only the very wealthy can afford to live here, a lot of what makes this city a great place to live will disappear. But I think I am definitely in the minority thinking this. Everyone I talk to seems to think that prices are just going to keep increasing every year.
Anonymous
Real estate is absolutely overpriced where I live, but I don’t expect a sharp correction because we didn’t have one the last time the housing market crashed either–it’s a relatively recession proof state. The prices are so high because Californians are flooding the state and using the proceeds from selling their expensive CA home to buy a McMansion here. Same problem with rents–people who have a longtime income based on the COL here, or a Midwestern state (also moving here in droves), cannot afford the prices that are set to capture the California money.
HM
Are you living in Texas, too?!
I’ve been aggressively saving for the past year to buy a new home, and with this influx of new residents, it’s likely we will be unable to afford something for the next few years. We currently enjoy a smaller home in a nice suburb that feeds to decent schools, but we’d like something a bit bigger, for the long term. It’s been absolutely staggering how quickly prices have jumped. What we could have bought last year is now selling for $100k+ more (making it fiscally unrealistic).
I think there will be a correction, albeit a moderate one. I’m not looking for prices to tank, but at the very least a rise in inventory would be nice…
CKB
This is how I feel about living in Calgary. Last crash wasn’t that bad here, and we recovered very fast. And this is not me trying to convince myself that buying a house this summer was a good idea. For 3 times more than I ever thought I’d spend on any house, let alone a fairly average size one (albeit in a great neighbourhood).
Bonnie
At least in my part of DC, the real estate prices have been rising steadily for over a decade now. I don’t think there will be a correction but that prices will eventually stop increasing. As is, I’m not sure how the younger people buying in my neighborhood are affording the homes.
Anon
This is what I don’t understand. I know what people in my age group make and save (which is very little), I have a good salary, how are people buying these places? They must be buying at the top of their budget, which to me means how are you going to sell it to someone else at a profit in a few years?
The math doesn’t add up to me. As someone who has looked at houses recently, I’m wondering if I should be waiting or not.
Wildkitten
Parental down payment assistance?
FB Dating Group
Not in many circumstances (my friends are pretty honest about their finances, and I highly doubt they would be fearful to tell me they had parental help).
Playing DressUP
I always imagine it’s because they just received an inheritance, and that I am required to feel badly for them that they just lost their beloved rich relative.
It keeps me from feeling too jealous.
Anonymous
This is the case with a lot of my peers. They complain that they’re SO POOR and life is just so hard, and people who make more than them are entitled brats, but those entitled brats majored in things like engineering and actuarial science because they have blue collar parents who encouraged them to pursue a practical major that offered financial security. Meanwhile, the “oh so poor” whiners have the freedom to pursue their public interest law dreams while maintaining the upper class lifestyle they grew up in, because they have mommy and daddy giving them new cars every time they crash their 5 series, and giving them $40,000 toward a down payment. Then they make entitled comments like “wow, that’s so mean that your parents won’t do that for you”–they don’t even comprehend that other people’s parents would love to, but can’t even afford to give $250.
Not Usually Anonymous
I don’t know, but I sure hope so. The real estate market on the west side of Los Angeles is depressing me. We’re a solidly upper-middle class couple with no kids, no debt, and a 6-figure down payment saved up, and we can’t afford crap. If WE can’t do it, that is terrible. What of schoolteachers and cops and waitstaff and everyone else? When nobody who does the work of a town can afford to live in that town, that is NOT a good situation. The rents are as ridiculous as the house prices.
Another couple suggested half in jest that we go in on a house together, and I am actually considering it. With FOUR people we might be able to afford something.
Alana
I don’t know what your definitions of the west side of L.A. is, but there are many duplexes in the Mid-City/Miracle Mile area, if you were thinking about buying with another couple.
Not Usually Anonymous
Oh mon dieu, that is too far east. my spouse might perish if we had to live on that side of the 405.
However, it’s clear that we are going to have to compromise somewhere. And the duplex idea has a lot of merit. I will bring it up next time we are all commiserating about the housing quest.
rachelellen
I think the real estate “newbie” was saying the broader market, likely meaning stocks and to a lesser extent bonds, is overvalued. That’s why she thinks real estate is a safer asset class.
The housing market recovery is uneven and lumpy. We’re five years into the economic expansion, which is the point at which contractions on average usually start (I don’t think a recession is coming any time soon, but still) and I’m *just*now starting to use language in my stories that indicate that the expansion is “convincing” and “here for real.”
As for the stock market… I don’t know. There will be volatility in the coming year.
ITDS
I have a pair of these from last season. I found them to be wide in the heel (I added a heel insert) and they had a weird rubbery non-skid sole that made squeaky/squelchy noises on the stone floors of my office building until I look them outside and really scuffed the bottom. Otherwise a very comfortable shoe – I have small feet and prefer a low heel and these have been great.
mss
TJ: Is a Clairsonic brush worth it (for my oily and perpetually clogged pores face), and what’s the difference between the models?
MNF
Belle at Caphill Style uses one. If you don’t get sufficient feedback here, it might be worth asking her?
Mpls
Or checking the archive of either site :)
AIMS
I have the Mia. I liked it for making my skin smoother and it definitely helped with black heads on my nose and such. I can’t say it has been a miracle for me though, the way some others describe it. After the initial improvement I don’t think it did much. Now I just use it a few times a months when I notice new blackheads. I haven’t noticed my skin getting worse.
Fwiw, I did a fair bit of research and didn’t think you needed the fancier ones. My aesthetician said anything but the sensitive head is too rough to use daily (this is also why I didn’t get the Olay one – it has rougher vibrations). Also: I didn’t know this for the longest, but the brush head comes apart so for hard to reach places like your nose make sure you use just the inner brush head, it’s so much more effective.
Anonymous
To offer a counterpoint, I didn’t really care for my Clarisonic on my face, but I LOVED the body speed to use for full-body exfoliation. That feature came with the “Plus” model (and I assume the models above that)–if I’d only bought the Mia, it would’ve been totally useless to me.
Bonnie
Olay makes a cheaper version of the Clarisonic http://www.amazon.com/Olay-Advanced-Cleansing-System-1-Count/dp/B0043OYFKU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1409693881&sr=8-1&keywords=olay+brush
It’s not as good, but it may be a good way to test it out.
mss
Thanks! At $17.99 with the coupon, I can definitely test it out before making a plunge!
First Year Anon
I bought a Clarisonic from Sephora and returned it. So if you want to test it out and see if it works for you, you can go that route. Truthfully, I didn’t notice a dramatic difference and I knew that I would end up being too lazy to use it every day, so that’s why I returned it. It wasn’t worth the effort for such a small improvement.
Wildkitten
I think the biggest difference is between brushes – get the right brush for your face (probably acne or deep pore).
christineispink
I agree with Wildkitten. I tried 3 different brushheads before finding the “right” one for me (sensitive, deep pore, then settled on acne). I don’t think it’s a miracle product, but will never skip using it. I can definitely feel/notice a difference if I skip a night or two. My sister has more sensitive/dry skin than I do and she only uses it at night whereas I use mine every night and every morning (and after-running showers to get sunblock off). So, give it a try but feel free to experiment with it a little.
Anonymous
It’s a little quiet here today so I may ask this again tomorrow, but several commenters before have discussed their handiness, and I’m having trouble finding an answer to this on the google. I have a floor lamp (about 5′ tall from base to bulb) that just will. not. stand. up. straight. It keeps tilting toward the wall. I’ve checked that everything is screwed together tightly and it is, but is there something I can do to level it if I take it apart and have access to any inner parts? It’s on carpet–if it wasn’t, I’d just stick some furniture pads on one side to level it, but with the carpet those would just sink down and it would still tilt. (Note: it tilted before when I had hardwoods and lived in a different home, so I don’t think it’s that my floor/carpet is unlevel–but even if it was, I’d like the lamp to not be a slightly more decorative level showing that off all the time!)
Red Beagle
If it is sitting on carpet, a trick I learned from DH is to stack nickels to the height required to level it, then tape them together so they don’t fall apart before reinserting them under the crooked side. It worked for him with all kinds of furniture until we tore off the carpet and restored the wood floors.
Anon.
Am watching a teacher’s strike in a neighboring province with some interest. It appears that the teachers union of BC is trying to evoke public sympathy by making salary a low talking point out of their strike demands. It also appears that salary is one of the points they seem most willing to concede on.
Is there any truth do you think to the notion that female dominated professions concede on salary too easily? Or that the public won’t sympathize with members of female dominated professions unless they make salary a low priority point and lobby instead for smaller class size and better services for special needs children? Is there any truth to the idea what when teachers (who are predominately female) either sideline salary or give up on it that this attitude makes it difficult for other female professionals to receive fair pay?
I am not a teacher if that helps.
Wildkitten
Women’s work is devalued by society. People smarter than me have written smart things about that – here’s a place to start: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/monkey-cage/wp/2013/10/04/why-is-work-by-women-systematically-devalued/
thatsnotmyname
What a timely post – was listening to ‘fresh air’ on NPR today and they covered this topic. Look up Dana Goldstein. She made some interesting points (e.g., the teaching profession in USA used to be predominantly male but it flipped to predominantly female, primarily because they wanted to increase the number of teachers. They wanted to achieve this without taxes – hence thought they could do so by bringing women into teaching, since they could be paid less!).
The NPR episode is worth a listen.