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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This V-neck cardigan with faux pearl buttons from T Tahari is warming my preppy little heart. A pearl embellishment can look a little costume-y, but I think this one pulls it off perfectly.
The length looks a little shorter than I would prefer (or maybe the model just has a very long torso?), so I would suggest pairing this with a dress or a pair of very high-waisted pants if you want to avoid a crop top look for the office.
The sweater is $24.97 at Nordstrom Rack and comes in sizes XS–XL. It’s also available in five other colors, but some are lucky sizes only.
Estelle offers a plus-size alternative with hammered metal buttons; it's on sale for $59 at Nordstrom and available in 1X–4X.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
MagicUnicorn
Just came to the realization that pectoral buttons are not for me.
Anon
I would not pair this sweater with these pants. The OG The Skirt or No 2 Pencil, maybe. But not this.
Anon
I would pair nothing with a pair of khakis! But also, nothing could ever convince me to wear a sweater with what are more or less n!pple buttons
Senior Attorney
I actually like how they have the “pale platinum” one styled with the floral print skirt.
Nesprin
No. Between the seam pockets flaring and the boxy cut, this model looks lumpy.
Davis
That’s a nope to those buttons here, too!
Anon
+1
Anon
I agree that chest buttons are not the look. Before I saw Magic Unicorn’s comment, and I was looking at the photo and wondering if the chest buttons could be removed.
Anon
But not that I look at the photo in other colors, there are not only chest buttons but chest flaps, albeit placed oddly high on the chest. Nope.
pugsnbourbon
Yeah, I’m not a fan of pockets directly over my b00bs but this is somehow worse.
And when you zoom in the buttons are … nipply.
Anon
I would buy this sweater if it didn’t have pectoral buttons!
Anon
You could easily take them off. I just looked at it in the pink and the buttons aren’t as obvious as they are on the darker color, but it’s just a snip of a few threads, and the faux pocket flaps would look fine without the buttons.
Anonymous
I laughed out loud at the sweater. The pocket placement and the buttons on them look completely ridiculous. I can see why it’s $24.97.
Anon
The check skin on either side of my nose has big pores. I have yet to find a liquid foundation or CC cream that does not sink into the pores and make my face look like ostrich skin. Ugh. Powder doesn’t do this. Is anyone else like this and is there a fix? Even anti aging products billed not to settle into lines have this effect.
Anonymous
that’s why you need a primer for your pores – i keep hearing good things abot the ELF primer (poorless putty I think); I’ve also used benefit’s POREfessional primer and mac has one too. they give foundation a smoother layer and hopefully don’t plug up your pores the way foundation would.
Anonymous
I’m reminded of this every time I try to do my makeup quickly and skip primer.
Pep
Are you using a primer before foundation application? Maybe something like Tatcha Silk Canvas would help.
anon
I’ve had good luck with BeautyStat Universal C Skin Refiner – not what’s its advertised for but it works well as a quasi primer.
Anon
Have you tired a foundation with a silicone base? I use Face Atelier ultra skin. No primer necessary. It was recommended to me by a fairly successful makeup artist.
Anon
I found this improved when I used my prescription retinol diligently.
Books
+1
This was a great “side effect” of starting prescription retinol for my lifelong acne.
Anon
There are very few foundations that do not sink into my pores. I’ve head the best luck using the Bobbi brown vitamin enriched face base as a primer, with either NARS radiant tinted moisturizer or Bobbi brown serum foundation over it.
I believe I tried every tinted moisturizer or light foundation in the market before arriving at these two. I have particularly bad memories of the IT cosmetics CC cream and the bare minerals one (the liquid not the powder)
Anonymous
What are your favorite things to send to people convalescing? My MIL had the hip replacement surgery and is going home soon, but the kitchen is on a different floor than the one where she’ll be living for a few weeks. So nothing to cook or prepare…
Anon
She should get a mini fridge and store things like yogurt, milk, pre made coffee, and pre made salads etc.
Anon
Great idea. Maybe OP could send her a mini fridge.
Anon8
Magazines or easy books to flip through and grub hub gift cards are my go-tos.
Anon
A heated throw size blanket.
Anonymous
Blanket, snacks, nice tea, slippers. I like the mini fridge idea too. Maybe set up Apple TV for her if she doesn’t already have it?
Anonymous
Are you able to physically be there? Or coordinate with someone who is? I would recommend a college dorm room style set up: mini fridge, microwave, hot plate, electric kettle. Coffee maker if she prefers and is allowed to have coffee (no idea if caffeine is a no no). I’d get her some magazines or crossword puzzles, a barefoot dreams cardigan, cozy socks (maybe also bd- I got them for Xmas and they were a big hit) and make sure she has comfy pillows and a warm blanket.
IL
An in-home mani pedi from a traveling nail tech might be nice! Or a sink shampoo and blowout from a hair stylist who does home visits.
London (formerly NY) CPA
When I had an ankle repair surgery, I got some absolutely gorgeous flowers and also a gift basket of snacks to keep nearby and munch on (Tate’s chocolate chip cookies appreciated most of all!), both of which I look fondly back on.
I was on pretty strong pain meds that made it difficult to focus my eyes (and thus read), so anything involving good eyesight like reading wouldn’t have gotten used, although I would have appreciated the sentiment.
Anon
I’m actually convalescing from hip labrum repair surgery right now (&I’ve heard hip replacement is actually easier in some ways!).
The things I didn’t expect were how limited I would be in moving/bending/etc., so things like a power strip at table height so I can plug stuff in, good water bottle, a bed-desk (as I spend a lot of time reclining in bed), etc. have been really helpful.
If she is solo and responsible for feeding herself, agree with dorm room setup (microwave & mini fridge). I ordered from a co called cook unity dot com (no spaces and period instead of “dot”) which has good prepared meals that generally just need to be microwaved.
Liza
This plant:
https://www.amazon.com/Costa-Farms-Anthurium-12-Inches-Decoration/dp/B07DS2126D/ref=sr_1_3?crid=U5QY66KSZOHV&keywords=order%2Bfresh%2Bplant&qid=1651238987&sprefix=order%2Bfresh%2Bplant%2Caps%2C83&sr=8-3&th=1
The pot is adorable and can be reused, the plant lasts a long time, it’s as pretty as flowers, and shipping is included in the $30 price tag, whereas sending flowers usually costs at least $60 once you pay for shipping/delivery. Win win win.
anon
When buying and selling a house, whose responsibility is it to ensure the utilities are transferred to the new occupants? Realtor, buyer, seller, or a combo?
Anonymous
Here sellor turns them off and buyer turns them on
Anon
+1 This is the universal way.
Anon
No one. You, buyer, need to set up utilities in your name as of the date of sale. Seller needs to turn them off on the sale date. It should be seamless (or they have to come out to light a pilot light for gas service). Same as if you are renting a house.
anon
I was the seller. We learned today we have been paying the buyers’ gas bill since they bought our old house last April. Was wondering why our bill was so high and then we learned it’s because we have been paying to heat two houses.
Anonymous
You should have discontinued your service at the old house. There’s no such thing as “transferring” service. They have to set up their own account.
Anonymous
Wow, yeah, that’s on you but also kinda crazy that they never bothered to set it up.
I wonder if they are also paying???
Anonymous
You didn’t turn your service off?!
anon
Nope. We were so overwhelmed with the move and work and young children it slipped our mind. We also moved during a warm time when we weren’t using gas anyway
Anon
Whoops! Live and learn. You have to proactively turn off the utilities to the old house as of the date of the sale of the home, it doesn’t happen automatically when the new residents call to set up service. Which they may or may not have done.
No Face
Oof. No one else’s fault though.
Liza
Sheesh. If you’re not already planning to, you might go ahead and reach out to them and tell them what happened and ask them to reimburse you.
anon
When I’ve bought/sold in the past, there wasn’t a transfer – the seller arranged for their power/water account to close as of the closing date, and the buyer separately contacted the utilities to arrange for billing to start on their account on the same or the next day. Neither service actually got cut off, btw – utilities don’t do that unless there’s going to be a pretty long lag without service at a given address. The power/water companies in my area will not allow two accounts to be associated with a single-family home, so they will not start billing on the new account until after the date when billing in the old account ends. This is in Georgia.
Anon
Actually, sometimes they do come cut off your power right away! We had transferred electricity into our names as of the closing date several weeks in advance, but the power company screwed up and apparently only paid attention to the former owner canceling service. Around 8 pm on the very first night in our new house, we heard the truck outside and then the power went out. They drove away before we could talk to them, so we had to call and get it straightened out. No apology, just an oops, and the power didn’t come back on until the next day. But I agree that’s definitely not what’s supposed to happen, and I don’t think we could have done anything differently- we had confirmation that service had already been transferred to us, they just messed up.
Anon
My electric company turned my service exactly on the date I said to end it. In a lot of places it’s all automated and happens remotely .
Anon
Yep. We got a call from our buyer’s Realtor after we closed the sale of our house because we had called the utility companies a couple weeks prior to closing and said, we’re closing on this day and service needs to be shut off on that day; the buyer will be restarting service at the address. The electric and gas companies shut off the service on the day we told them to (we had moved out of the house several months prior, so it was unoccupied).
I’m not sure whether the buyer didn’t call to set up utilities because she was too busy (or forgot), or no one told her to, but she never called. So at 7 p.m. on the day after we closed, she showed up to the house with a packed moving truck and there was no gas or electricity on in the house. We got a panicked call from her Realtor, who wanted us to call the utility companies and “restart service, just temporarily” until the buyer got her act together to call. We declined to do so (and it wouldn’t have helped – whether we called, or the buyer called, the utility people couldn’t have come out until the next day anyway).
Side note: one thing that makes me never want to move again is what a nightmare the house-selling process was. Our buyer was a first-time homebuyer (so somewhat naive) and her Realtor was either disorganized, incompetent, or both. It made the whole thing very dramatic and time-consuming.
Anon
I don’t think there’s any way for anyone but the buyer to establish service. So the seller tells the utility to cancel service as of the closing date (or some other agreed upon date) and the seller needs to establish service on their own. That’s how I’ve always done it, as both a buyer and a renter in multiple states.
Senior Attorney
Same. Basically if you’re the seller, you need to make sure you’re off the accounts, and if you’re the buyer, you need to make sure you will have service.
Anon
It is the responsibility of the new occupant to set up the utilities. There is no “transfer” of utilities. The new occupant has to set up their own new account.
anon
This probably depends on the state you are in. For MA, as the buyer, I had to open new utility accounts as nothing was transferred other than the propane deliveries. The mortgage company actually required us to provide proof of the new account number from the electricity company for us to close on the house.
Anon
NC and VA: seller turns them off and buyer turns them on, usually as of the closing date so there no gap in service. Vacant houses may be different but usually keep the utilities on for inspections and showings. Buying is not different than renting — you turn on the utilities for your new place and turn them off at the place you’re leaving.
Anonymous
As others have mentioned, as a seller, you need to turn the utilities off so that you don’t continue paying for them. As a buyer, you need to set up it up in Your name so you have them. Be aware even if both parties do this, there is a chance that you will have a service interruption. When I bought my first home the sellers had ended service of the utilities as of the date the property was sold, and we set them up to go into our name that day. However, we learned that our provider (Duke energy) has a literal person who turns them off in the morning and then a DIFFERENT person that turns them on at night for the new account. So, day one of home ownership, come 5:00 and none of our lights in our new home worked. Cue significant buyers’ remorse. We called the provider and learned we had to wait until the person got there to turn them on, which was like 8;00 pm.
Anon
Ha, I posted above about spending the first night in our new house with no power. That was also Duke Energy!
Anon
Duke gave us an 8-hour “rolling” blackout on xmas eve. Grrrr . . .
Anon
Duke is the worst.
Anon
The combination of Duke being Duke and right wing terrorists repeatedly sabotaging power plants has really been something.
I started following Sarah Taber on Twitter more for the Carolina commiseration than anything else.
Vicky Austin
IME it is always the buyer, whether that means getting a new account because service has been turned off, or calling and saying, “please bill me for services at this address effective this date.”
Vicky Austin
I’ve only ever sold one house, and by the time that happened we hadn’t been living in it for months, but had kept the electricity on because the house was empty during winter in North Dakota (we’d switched off the water to avoid frozen/burst pipes, canceled our internet, etc). Once the buyers moved in we stopped getting the electric bill and that was that.
Anon
Buyer’s responsibility. When I sold my last house the buyer forgot to turn them on and we had to delay settlement for a few hours so that they had electricity for the walkthrough. A responsible realtor should warn their clients they need to turn off or start service.
Anon
But in order for the buyer to have to turn them on, the seller has to discontinue service. It’s on both parties.
If the sellers don’t cut off service, I don’t see how the buyers are legally obligated to do that (morally is a different question)
Anon
That’s not a thing where I live in the US. The buyers of course can’t shut off someone’s service, but only they can start their own.
Anonymous
I think they should have been on under your name for the walkthrough.
Anon
The walkthrough occurs immediately before settlement, it’s not the same thing as the inspection. You cannot turn off the electricity at a certain hour, it goes by days. Legally the buyer is responsible for it.
Anon
In my state, Maryland, the electricity needs to be on for the walkthrough, and it’s the sellers responsibility. The buyer needs to be able to see that the home is in the same condition that it was when the purchase offer was written. It’s not the buyer’s house yet, so the onus is not on them to have already had the account changed. There are many sales that are scuttled immediately prior to the closing.
Pep
When I bought my house, my Realtor provided me with a sheet listing the names and contact information for all relevant utilities prior to closing and urged me to reach out to them to arrange setting up accounts in my name effective on the date of the closing.
anon
OP here. That would have been helpful. We handled all the other utilities but completely forgot about the gas.
Anonymous
If you had a weekend to spend in and around San Diego where would you stay? Looking for peaceful ocean vibes so not at all Wed to being downtown, Hotel Del Coronado is wildly too expensive
Anon
I have family that lives in the area and I stayed in Encinitas at the Moonlight motel. It’s quiet and not in the city. Nothing special but laid back.
https://www.moonlightbeachmotel.com/
JD
This is a cute local hotel/motel vibe, and they have parking (that part of Encinitas has crazy parking in high season. My parents enjoyed it. Moonlight Beach is very nice. There’s a bunch of restaurants walking/driving distance.
Anonymous
The Loews Coronado Bay, right on the water.
Anon
I think that’s around the same price point as Hotel del Coronado, maybe even more.
SMC-San Diego
That used to be the case but since Hilton took over the Hotel Del and made their “upgrades” it has gotten much. much more expensive. I just checked and for the same time period, the Lowes is $328/night while the cheapest room at the Del is $687 (+$50 mandatory “resort fee”). Those are not exact comparisons because of two queens vs. one king but it generally holds true.
My family used to go to the Del every year for a long weekend but the rates have gotten truly ridiculous so now we stay nearby and just to to that beach.
OOO
We enjoyed Andaz San Diego
OOO
I think I suggested another hotel that is in mod right now, but we actually stayed at the Hyatt Regency Mission Bay Spa and Marina
Anan
We stayed in and Air bnb in Imperial Beach a little while ago and it was lovely and chill and had some tasty restaurants.
Anon
Hotel marisol!
SMC-San Diego
If you want “peaceful” and the Del is outside your price range, there are a couple of other hotels in Coronado that might do. I do not know your budget but look at the Lowes Coronado. Or you could stay at one of the many properties that are not right on the beach but are across the street.
Absent that, I suggest north county (the Andaz is downtown and Mission/Pacific Beach are fun but not peaceful), Look at Del Mar, Encinitas, Carlsbad, Solana Beach, etc. If you don’t mind driving as far north as Oceanside, the city is in the process of re-doing their downtown and they have several hotels (I like the Seabird) that are right at the beach. The only issue there is that you are as far north a you can get in San Diego which would not work if you want to see the tourist sites.
If you let us know your budget, I would give better recommendations.
Anonymous
I’m fine not seeing tourist sites! Just would like to be within a 45 minute Uber to the airport and a place where I can enjoy decent meals. Prefer to keep it under 350 a night.
SMC-San Diego
That is very helpful! A lot of the northernmost coastal places are more than 45 minutes (depending on traffic you could get to Del Mar/Solana Beach in 45 minutes but Carlsbad and north is going to be more like an hour or more.
Given those parameters, I would suggest (1) Coronado but not the Hotel Del. You could stay at Lowes for that price or several other hotels that are not right on the beach; (2) La Jolla if you can find a hotel in your price range (which will depend on the time of year you are coming), just be sure you are looking at hotels west of the 5 freeway. Some of the hotels east of the freeway show up on a search for La Jolla; (3) Del Mar (assuming you are not coming during fair/race track season.
Depending on what “peaceful” means to you, you could also try some of the Mission Bay resorts. Paradise Point. Bahia and the Catamaran come to mind – although I have only visited them during the day rather than staying the night. I will note that Paradise Point has a decent spa.
Good luck. I hope you enjoy your visit.
Anonymous
Paradise Point is exactly what I am looking for! Thanks so much
Anon
Nothing in San Diego is really on the beach, other than the stuff on Mission Bay. I like staying downtown for that reason.
If you want beach, stay in Carlsbad.
Anonamoma
I stayed in a lovely AirBnB in La Jolla when I was in the area. That area sounds like it would be right up your alley.
Hotel Del
We stayed at the Hotel Del before the pandemic with my elderly mother. I was stunned by how poorly trained the staff was (fighting with each other while checking us in) and how poorly behaved many other guests were (leaving beer cans on the pavement after they left the jacuzzi). At the rates they charge, the staff should be much more professional and should also be very proactive about smoothing out the effect that poorly behaved guests have on other guests’ stays (removing beer cans, maybe even explaining to hard-partying guests at the pool to turn off/down their music etc.). Also, there was zero soundproofing in the rooms.
Anonymous
I have really enjoyed Del Mar.
Anonamoose
The Kat Maconie bootie shared this week wasn’t my style but the designer has other heels (Naira and Rosie) that were fun to peruse and reignited my whole fancy shoe rabbit hole. I have nowhere to wear shoes like that but I’m pretty sure wearing them would make me feel like a fabulous superhero, and I think they would make the perfect milestone birthday gift for this year. I remember seeing other amazing shoe designers of fun, extravagant heels and flats over the years that I remember bookmarking but somehow can’t find. Please feel free to pass along any fun shoe links! TIA!
Anon
I would have been such a great idle rich lady having lunches in Positano or Capri or even the mall in cute outfits. IRL, I’d probably just be in Athleta and not even wait for the sales, but a girl can dream, no?
Anonymous
SJP has pretty shoes.
Anon
John Fluevog, hands down.
Anon
You might find some Betsey Johnson shoes that you like.
NYNY
My faves are from Chie Mihara. They’re more fun/party shoes than work, but I have had a few office-appropriate pairs over the years.
Anon
The women in my family get jowls as we age and I can see them starting on me. There is no fix for this, right? Other than smiling? Age doesn’t ravage us much worse than this (like it is still a good neck day and a good arm day, but I can soon store a winter’s worth of nuts in my cheeks). Oily skin turns out to have some upside, but a shiny forehead for life probably is of no help with looking like a bulldog with lipstick (and a smile!).
Anonymous
Can we just please not? This is such a gross way to talk about yourself and other women.
Anon
+1 million. I hate this nonsense.
Anon
Thank you.
anon
Damn, no kidding.
Anon
This is unnecessarily mean. We all handle aging differently. It’s okay to not like an aspect of yourself and telling OP she is being gross is not at all helpful.
Anon
+100
Anonymous
Agreed. Imagine OP is your friend. If she said this to you in real life, would you say she’s being gross? Or would you treat her with kindness. Let’s show OP the same kindness we show each other in real life.
Anonymous
If only you could collapse a conversation that you don’t want to read! What a rigid, narrow minded comment. OP is 100% allowed to feel what she feels, and to ask for advice or support. Do you hate all women that don’t agree with you?
Anonymous
Nope. I can’t collapse past her first post. And describing women with jowls as being able to hold nuts in their cheeks like a squirrel and bulldogs with lipstick is not acceptable.
Anon
She’s talking about herself – she’s obviously struggling a lot this morning. I don’t understand how someone expressing deep insecurity gets met with this kind of vitriol. Wow.
Anonymous
Why do you think you are the arbiter of what is and is not acceptable? Are you in charge of the internet? I find your smug desire to ridicule and shut down other people unacceptable. So therefore it should not be allowed?
Anon
This is a question for your doctor. Whether I have a good day or not doesn’t depend in the least on my neck or cheeks or arms or nose or anything else, provided they work in the way nature intended, to do what I need them to do.
Anonymous
There are some skin treatments that claim to improve collagen production, which in theory helps with things like this. Talk to your aesthetician or medi spa. Personally I would rather start with less invasive options and only scale up if necessary.
Anon
Ugh, I wish I had a solution as I’m also starting to develop jowls
Anonymous
Obviously you will want to pay thousands of dollars on anti-aging treatments and cosmetic surgery and tell everyone you are “aging intentionally”.
That was sarcasm, by the way.
I’m so tired of the ‘women whose face shape has changed due to age are ugly’ trope.
Monday
Thank you for calling out the term “aging intentionally.” It’s still bothering me from the post the other day. Like I’m just over here mindlessly aging, willy-nilly, all over the place messy because I don’t have the “intentionality” to cut my face open.
It reminds me of the term “clean” to describe shaving off all your pub!c hair. It’s your business if you want to do these things, but it’s not fair to brand them as if everyone who doesn’t is gross or lacking in “intention.”
Anonymous
I’m aging intentionally in that I intentionally want to be healthy as I age and I intentionally want to age and avoid cosmetic procedures.
Anon
+1 million
anon
Agree. I find the term really, really distasteful. As if spending thousands of dollars and hours of time on injections and potions is the expectation if you want to age correctly. Do whatever you want, but call it what it is. You’re looking for a fountain of youth, which does not exist.
anonshmanon
so much this. If you want to get stuff done, that is your choice, but if you need to invent nonsensical euphemisms, it looks like you are straining to normalize something you feel conflicted about.
Anon
I want to age gracefully, not ti find a fountain of youth.
Trish
“Mindlessly aging, willy-nilly” is the best way! Don’t get me started on “clean” this or that, especially eating. There is no mud or dirt in my ice cream.
Anonymous
If you have the budget, talk to a reputable plastic surgeon about your non-surgical options. I used to have a double chin….
Anonymous
What did you do about the double chin? I’ve heard mixed results about kybella, wondering if there are other options.
Anonymous
Or your surgical options. Im also getting these and a face and neck lift is probably in my future. Call me high maintenance or shallow; I don’t care.
pugsnbourbon
Just please don’t get that buccal fat removal thing that made Lea Michele look like a corpse.
Anon
Oh is that why she looks so weird?!
anon
This level of self hatred is upsetting just to read. If this is how you think of yourself then I don’t think a facelift is going to improve your self esteem. Please don’t make other women think this type of criticism is normal.
Anonymous
I really think the op had a sense of humor about this. It’s ok to hate your jowls and want to change them and admit aging is rough. It had nothing to do with her self esteem. You can like and love yourself and hate your jowls and want to change that very small superficial part of you. It’s so much healthier than pretending appearance isn’t important to you if it is.
anon
“Are there any ways to prevent or get rid of jowls?” is a reasonable question. Writing a paragraph about being “ravaged” by age, looking like a dog, and mentioning completely unrelated body parts is just spreading insecurities to other women.
Anonymous
Yes this exactly.
Anon
Yes it’s really, really gross.
anon
This, exactly. I don’t love how I’m aging, in certain ways. But this was not funny at all.
Anon
This, please.
Anonymous Grouch
NuFace. My family has the same tendency, and in my mid 40s I could see it starting on my own face. I got a NuFace device and have used it with varying levels of consistency for the past 5 years, and my lower face is no longer sliding downwards! NuFace is expensive, and takes 5 – 10 minutes in the evening to use, but I feel like it’s been worth it for maintaining collagen levels and helping avoid jowls. My face is round with chubby cheeks, so I don’t get any sort of tightened or sculped look from it, but outside of that I’m very happy with the long term results.
Anon
You can get a facelift if you want to. No shame in cosmetic surgery.
Anon
Is there a lower face lift? I don’t want to look like . . . an alien with a too-tight eye area and upper cheeks. The lower cheeks are . . . getting hit with some gravity.
Anon
A competent surgeon won’t make you look like an alien. They can adjust things to suit your face.
Anonymous
There is literally a lower facelift. There are a lot of options- go check it out!
Senior Attorney
I had a lower face lift 10 years ago. It’s absolutely not for the faint of heart but I was very pleased with the results. Also you can do Botox or other injectables for jowls.
Anom
Funny thing – my dad (72) has told me that he keeps his beard and mustache bc he doesn’t like to see his lines/ jowls. And I think, but what about me? I don’t have that option! I’ve got to just age for everyone to see! —46 with my chin definitely not as well defined as it used to be, but not going to spend the time/money to abuse my face to look younger.
Anon
OP – talk to a plastic surgeon. I do not think there are any non-surgical options that will help. You can then decide how you want to proceed with all of the evidence.
And please ignore all the people who are telling you how you “should” feel about your body and your looks – most of whom are probably young enough that they have not actually been faced with the reality of looking in the mirror and seeing someone you do not recognize.
The judgment about any woman who wants to change her own looks (weight or otherwise) here has gotten truly absurd.
Monday
There is at this time one (1) post referring to the OP’s feelings about herself, namely anon @10:44. All other critical comments are about the terms used and how they reflect on women as a whole, especially those who don’t choose to manipulate their faces. Nobody other than maybe 10:44 is talking about how OP “should feel.”
Anonymous
Her wanting to change one very small part of her appearance is not about you. For all the people who are so set on not changing your faces why on earth are you so fragile about it? You love your aging face? Sweet. This is about someone who doesnt love hers. She’s being pretty funny in a way that demonstrates she understands that it’s not actually serious but important to her regardless. That’s totally legitimate and the language policing is not helpful.
Anonymous
Agree. I really want to push back on the attitude I see here that if other women get cosmetic surgery or Botox or dye their hair that it somehow affects others. I think it’s bull spit. Op, do your thing. Posters who hate cosmetic surgery, do your thing but also back off.
Anon
It’s not that she’s contemplating cosmetic surgery. Nothing wrong with that if it makes her happy. It’s not for me but I think e.g, Jane Fonda looks great and I’m sure she’s been under the knife. It’s the way OP is talking about women’s bodies that is upsetting people. The post is extremely misogynistic. No one compares men’s appearance to a dog.
Anon
People constantly compare the appearance of men who get jowly with age to dogs.
Trish
You know what is misogynistic? Policing how women express themselves. She was engaging in self-deprecating humor. Deal with it.
Anonymous
I’m not judging any woman who wants to change any aspect of herself for whatever reason she has, nor am I telling her how she should feel. I am, however, very firmly judging the expectations that are behind those reasons -and probably the feelings- and the childish euphemisms that are used to describe them, and I’m firmly in middle age, so this isn’t coming from someone too young to understand.
I’m sorry if you are looking in the mirror and seeing someone you don’t recognize, I can’t imagine how hard that must be.
Anon
I haven’t had it done but there is a Botox procedure for jowls. I have a hard time imagining how it works but relaxing a particular muscle seems to pull up the lower cheek.
I’m surprised at the pile-on because people ask about cosmetic procedures all the time here.
The only thing I will say is that I have an English bulldog and he is ADORABLE.
Anonymous
I feel like this board gets really kind of…puritanical…sometimes and there is a real backlash against cosmetic procedures.
Like it’s too superficial or vain to spend time or money on beauty? They think cosmetic surgery is problematic because if others get it they’ll feel pressured to maybe? They hate Botox because it will somehow make them look worse if you look better ? It’s weird and confusing. It does read like jealousy though.
Anon
Sometimes I wonder if there are regional differences?
PLB
Agree on your first sentence. I think these same people are probably the ones who think celebrating birthdays beyond age 10 and bachelorette parties and big weddings are ridiculous.
Anonymous
Agree on your first sentence. I think these same people are probably the ones who think celebrating birthdays beyond age 10 and bachelorette parties and big weddings are ridiculous.
Anon
Do you not recall the Intern with a Birken debate of 2010? :)
Anon
Meh. I think the backlash is against the back half of the post not the inquiry into cosmetic procedures. Some of it is just semantics but there’s a real difference between someone asking for makeup tips and saying gross things about their appearance if they don’t wear makeup. Or someone asking for a recommendation for a higher end handbag without insulting women who carry less fancy ones. Or someone asking about dying gray hairs without suggesting that there is something inherently wrong with gray hair.
anonshmanon
yeah, I don’t think this board is at all opposed to cosmetic procedures. Rarely a week goes by without somebody crowdsourcing recommendations for botox in city xyz. And whenever folks have asked about experiences with b00b jobs, nose jobs etc., in my memory there were always frank discussions with little judgement.
Seafinch
I didn’t pay a lot of attention but a blogger type recently posted about Morpheus 8 treatment I think this partially addresses these issues (I could be wrong). Worth the googling.
anon
My derm told me the solutions are facelift or gain 20 pounds. Neither is appealing so I am just living with them.
Anon
A mini face lift will resolve this for about 5 years and a full facelift will fix it for about 10 years.
Pep
I got Thermage when I noticed jowls starting to form back in 2007. I was very pleased with the result. I’m sure there is an even better technology now. Talk to a dermatologist about non-surgical options.
Trish
I love that you have a sense of humor! Ignore the haters!
Anonymous
Get a lower facelift. Not rocket science.
Anonymous
Contractor question: I’m trying to find a contractor to replace my chimney cap. There’s also a small superficial crack in the concrete next to it. The home inspector and chimney sweep looked at it and said it should cost like $1k. Both said it’s safe to use. We got the first estimate from an actual chimney guy/mason and he wants to strip the entire chimney inside and out and all but replace the whole thing; it would cost $10k. We asked if it was unsafe in its current condition and he said no the work can wait, we can continue using the fireplace all winter. We asked for an estimate for a repair instead of replace and he said he recommends the bigger job. Is this a common thing for contractors? They don’t want to bother with small jobs so they’ll only quote a huge amount of work that you don’t actually need? We’re really struggling to get people to come out for small jobs, any tips?
pugsnbourbon
Yep, it can be difficult to get contractors to agree to small jobs. It’s difficult to get a contractor for anything right now, frankly. Get a second opinion from another chimney company.
Flats Only
Just filling a crack is too small a job for a contractor. Since the chimney guy said it’s safe to use, perhaps try a crack filler yourself like this one https://www.amazon.com/946mL-Grey-Concrete-Crack-Seal/dp/B081TJD8JV/ref=asc_df_B081TJD8JV/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=533439915572&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7520150618392169408&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9008162&hvtargid=pla-1396392500768&psc=1 which will keep water out of the crack so it shouldn’t get any worse.
Anon
Sometimes that happens. Ask on an active local community for recommendations rather than trying to search for people via a search engine. Where I live, the place to ask is on Facebook communities.
OP
Good recommendation on community groups, I’ve been procrastinating on that. We’ve only called people that were recommended either by the realtor or local friends. It’s a little perplexing. If you don’t want to do the work just say so! Don’t scare me with a huge estimate!
Anon
I should probably get a chimney cap someday.
I had three chimney people out and they all said wildly different things about what was needed, but nobody said it was unsafe to leave as is, so I guess I’m kicking this can down the road.
Anon
Never get just one quote, first of all.
And when you call contractors, ask if they’re willing to do small jobs. Since you just had an inspection, did you get a new house? Ask the inspector and your realtor for referrals.
Betsy
Keep looking! We had something similar happen with our chimney, except in our case our first chimney sweep inspected the chimney one year and said it looked great, and then the next year he said the lining was cut incorrectly and needed to be replaced for $10K. We switched chimney sweeps and have had no concerns since. It sounds like the kind of work you’re looking for could be done by your average chimney sweep/mason so I would get an estimate from someone else. You might have to schedule out a bit, our chimney sweep who also does chimney repairs is usually scheduled out a couple of months. Given that this isn’t an immediate safety concern, that doesn’t sound like a huge issue. If you are having trouble finding another person to look at it, you might try calling your local woodstove shop and see if they have anyone they would recommend.
Anon
My husband and I are planning to try for a baby this year. However…we LOVE to travel, just got back from a big trip, and are itching to start planning the next one.
Is it dumb to plan anything else this year when it’s possible I could be pregnant? Do we just stick to the US (where we live) and Canada? I’m worried about planning a trip and then having it overlap with my first trimester when I could be feeling awful, but if it takes over a year I also don’t want to give up on travel while dealing with infertility. Interested in any advice from others who have gone through this life stage!
Anonymous
Plan refundable/creditable trips or get “for any reason” trip insurance.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
Plan your next trip and hit the pause button on trying about 2 months before the trip if you’re that worried about morning sickness.
Anonymous
The advice I always hear is to not put your life on hold for a potential baby. You dk how long it will take and if you’re always wondering “but what if” then you’ll drive yourself crazy. If you end up having infertility treatments then you’re not going to be traveling during months you’re in treatment. But you could just skip a cycle.
Anonymous
I mean I’d plan it. Book refundable tickets and don’t pay upfront for hotel rooms. You might not be pregnant you might feel fine and want to go and if you don’t, you cancel.
Anan
It’s so hard to know how pregnancy will hit you. My first kid was smooth sailing and symptom free from the get go. I also went to Taiwan and Japan for two weeks when I was eight weeks pregnant a few years later, and i slept a lot, and threw up in hotel bathrooms, but still managed to see some lovely sights (and, yes, ate sushi).
I would plan relaxing vacations with nice accommodations so you can pace yourself accordingly. And maybe no “Once in a Lifetime” experiences.
Anon
My anecdata may not be useful, because I got pregnant really quickly and am more cautious than most about travel while pregnant (I know someone who delivered on a Hawaii babymoon at 25 weeks and was stuck in Hawaii alone for months with the baby while her husband went back home to support the family, so I was trying to avoid that scenario). We took one last “big” trip (a week in Italy) and started trying as soon as we got home and I got pregnant that month. We traveled within the US while I was pregnant, but after the point of viability only to places where we had significant friend/family support, so I wouldn’t be alone if I delivered there. Nowadays I would also be mindful of abortion restrictions for pre-viability travel. I think if TTC had gone on a long time, I likely would have planned refundable trips and canceled them if I got pregnant. I felt fantastic while pregnant (even first trimester) and energy-wise definitely could have been up for more adventurous travel, but I was cautious because of what happened to my friend.
Anonymous
This is important. I think I would only travel in the US in places where you would get the medical care that you want if something went wrong.
Cat
Book stuff that’s refundable or where you at least get 100% credit. Like – fly only carriers you regularly use and who give full credit if you cancel; this is not the time to do a one-off with IcelandAir.
Anon
+1
Anon
As someone who loves to travel but also went through 2 years of infertility (which also overlapped with peak Covid) I just wound up planning trips very last minute. It was hard to know what would be happening ahead of time, and what Covid restrictions would be impacting our travel. I wouldn’t do a ton of trip planning and figure out a lot of details in advance because you risk a lot of angst and disappointment. When we were recovering from a miscarriage and our friends asked if we wanted to join them on a spring break trip to the DR, we figured out how to wedge the travel into our treatment schedule and jumped in to make it happen within less than a month. We also said, ok, if our IVF transfer at the beginning of November doesn’t work, we’ll go to that destination wedding over Thanksgiving on the other side of the world. If it works, we won’t go. Win win. We were transparent with our friends about what we were dealing with.
Once we did get pregnant, we planned a trip to Paris in early second trimester only a month or two in advance because it worked to piggy back on some work travel. Again, we decided if we were suffering from a miscarriage at that time the trip would perk us up, and if I was still pregnant we would be comfortable being in Europe for healthcare. I was still pregnant, and I was a bit more nauseous than I would have liked, and of course there were things that I couldn’t eat because of pregnancy restrictions (and the wine, sob) but it was a great trip.
Anon
Plan the trip and buy refundable tickets or travel insurance that will reimburse you if you have to cancel.
I was so sick the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy it was all I could do to go to work and come home. At around 16 weeks, it was like a switch flipped, and after that, I felt great. I took one trip at 18 weeks, with my husband, and another one at 27 weeks, with a friend. Both were great trips (but will also say, neither was overseas. But I could have done that if I’d wanted to).
Anonymous
I travelled to Italy during both pregnancies. Lucked into no issues with morning sickness. Just did not travel in last couple months. US/Canada/Europe would be fine for travel and have modern hospital facilities. I avoided any countries with abortion laws that didn’t have an exception to save the life of the mother (eg Dominican Republic currently or Ireland before they updated the laws).
OP
Thanks all for the advice, this is super helpful!!
anon
Advice from a biglaw lawyer who has to deal with unpredictability in my schedule – plan the vacation but give yourself options. You can normally structure the trip so that no bills become due until say, two months before, at the earliest- two months out you will have a good feel for if the trip is happening or not. For example, if the choke point on your trip is going to be hotel availability – book the hotels so that you either don’t pay until you arrive or a month before travel. Flights are tougher but if you book with miles, those just get credited back.
Anon
Even if you pay with cash, flights on the major US airlines are refundable for airline credit now. A very positive post-pandemic change. Just don’t book basic economy because those generally aren’t refundable.
Liza
Sure, plan it! You may feel awful/tired in first trimester, but like, you could also get the flu? Feeling blah on vacation is always a risk. Not a reason to not plan anything.
We did a major international trip when I was about 5 months pregnant with my kiddo – the biggest challenge was that it hurt to be on my feet, so I didn’t have my usual stamina for museums etc. But you can adjust accordingly and just keep the trips less intense, if needed.
Anon
Live your life. You have no way of knowing how long it will take to get pregnant or what kind of pregnancy you will have. You might have no morning sickness, mild sickness, or such extreme nausea that you have to be hospitalized (very unlikely). But remember that the vast majority of pregnant woman continue to work, travel, and socialize (and this is coming from someone who was herself quite sick). My only suggestion is to stick to countries with reasonably good health care and safe food/water.
It is possible you would have to cancel and having trip insurance would be a good idea. But you could also get Covid, or the flu, or break your ankle the week before you are supposed to leave. If you stop living because of what “could” happen, you will never go anywhere or do anything.
Alanna of Trebond
Honestly I wouldn’t do anything differently. I went to Argentina late in my second trimester for my first child, and I plan to go to Europe around the same time for baby 2.
Eager Beaver
I’be been wanting to wade into the bootcut/flare jean silhouette for a while, but didn’t want to make a big investment. If anyone is in a similar boat, I found these Lee Bootcut Jeans, and they’re great: https://www.lee.com/shop/womens-legendary-regular-bootcut-jean-35525.html?merchCategory=LEE_WOMEN_CLOTHING_JEANS&dwvar_35525_color=3522567. You can find them on Amazon as well.
Anon
I’m interested, but what’s your general shape? (Will they fit me too?)
OP
I’m 5’5 and a size 16s in most pants. I carry a lot of my weight in my hips and thighs.
Anon
If anyone has a recommendation for a reasonable bootcut/fare jean that is available in a short inseam with a high waist, please post. The recommended jeans look great but I want high waist, not mid-rise.
Marrying for Money
I was thinking about yesterday’s post last night and it was really bothering me that the OP was implying that the problem with her current BF was he made about the same amount of money as her. We have been fighting for years for equal wages! What a weird standard to think that men should make more money.
Anon
I didn’t read it as that she thinks the man needs to make more, but rather that she would like the lifestyle that comes with a huge salary and marrying rich is a way to achieve that. Both are problematic IMO, but it’s different.
Anon
Agree – I don’t think she was saying that the similar salary was “low for a man”, but instead she wanted to have a windfall of a rich spouse (more money she didn’t have to work for). Agree problematic in a different way but I don’t see it as a pay equity issue.
Anon
Women aren’t a monolith. Many women fight for equal wages and work in industries that our grandmothers has no or quite limited access to (finance, law, medicine, engineering, physics). But there are still a subset of women who just want to be taken care of, and there are also men who want to land a rich (usually trust fund) wife.
Anon
And pregnancy and childcare and housekeeping are all unpaid labor still. And it’s real work. It’s totally okay to want to do that work yourself and not outsource it, but if so, you need a household income that can support that.
Anon
Aaaand there are a lot of people who will tell you that you need to quit your job because it doesn’t cover the cost of daycare. Think of all the money you save by staying home! Home cooked meals, no daycare, time to shop for sales, clean your own house. When you earn good money, the true response is that there’s no way to compensate for your salary by saving money. “I can’t reduce my spending by $120k a year, so maybe knock it off.”
Anon
Well how much daycare is going to cost really depends on how many kids you want to have!
Anon
There’s also the risk that the person undergoing pregnancy becomes disabled, or that kids are special needs or disabled.
I have a friend who is now home schooling all her kids because one of them was born with a severe immune deficiency. It’s a life and death thing, so you do what you have to do. Daycare or school would be out of the question though.
Seventh Sister
My favorite response to that line of reasoning (that it would be “free” if I stayed home) when my daycare kids were little was, “oh, so if I stay home and drop dead in six months, my husband gets a free nanny?” Something is only “free” if your time has no value. I was the reason we had health insurance and 1/2 the mortgage payment (my MIL finally shut up when I told her that particular factoid).
Anon
I was confused as to why that post made people so mad. People are allowed to have random things they’d like people’s take on without it being a reflection of some broader social trend…
Also this is an anonymous board. There aren’t a lot of places to shout into the void and everyone has things they don’t want to see the light of day.
Anon
By the same token, people are free to respond anonymously about how feel about something someone said. It’s not a one-way street.
I found it gross too but I limited my comments to saying she should leave her boyfriend.
No Face
I think some people really dislike the idea of wanting, seeking, and enjoying wealth. It seems grotesque to them.
KL
I don’t find the idea of wanting, seeking, and enjoying wealth gross. I find the idea of dumping what seemed to be a very nice boyfriend with whom the poster said she had a great connection with to seek out a very wealthy man gross. Especially when the poster’s combined household income with said boyfriend was over $300k. Basically she was pondering whether to throw her boyfriend out in search of money. Which, to each their own, but I cannot fathom choosing to be ultra wealthy over love.
Monday
Yeah, she specifically said the rich guys she had in mind seemed annoying. These were not guys she liked or enjoyed being around. I think the answers would have been a lot less forceful if the hypothetical choice was between two guys she liked equally, where one made a lot more money. That would be more about “enjoying wealth” rather than flat out marrying someone (someone annoying!) for his income.
And I find the norm on this board to be overall very supportive of enjoying wealth!
No Face
I don’t recall her saying she wanted to dump her boyfriend. It was a hypothetical – which would you choose? There *are* people who choose spouses they like less for wealth. Most of the readers here are working women, so of course most of us would choose love over money.
Explorette
That was how I read it too. I mean sure, if you want to sell your soul and happiness for money, go for it. I’m going to think that is gross. I have no problem with people having wealth, it was the idea of choosing a relationship with a person she found annoying just because he was wealthy.
Anonymous
Yeah this is me. Wealth is grotesque. I’m a Christian and Jesus was real clear on this point.
No Face
Fair enough.
Anon
Thank you for saying this. I really don’t like policing other people’s lives, but there comes a point at which it’s like, so you need a nesting yacht, a fourth home in Europe, or whatever, or could you change the lives of people around you with that money?
anonshmanon
I don’t know that I was mad, but I definitely was exasperated that OP was implying her $300k HHI didn’t already give her an easy lifestyle. And when you talk about things that impact your happiness apart from money, I thought it’s universally known that husband with a good emotional connection trumps mediocre rich husband every time.
Anon
OP here – I’m in a VVHCOL where our shared income wouldn’t allow us to comfortably make the monthly payments for a starter home, let alone afford preschool for a kid too. I know that income is more than comfortable in most parts of the country, but unfortunately in ours it isn’t.
Anon
I don’t believe this. SF is just about the most expensive part of the US and $300k is around the 90th percentile income level there. Obviously 90% of the people living in the Bay Area are not destitute. I have friends who bought homes and had kids there on incomes similar to or less than yours. Would you be much wealthier if you moved to Omaha, sure. But in no universe is a $340k HHI “poor” anywhere. Your lack of perspective is really grating.
Anon
Unfortunately, most people in San Francisco can’t afford a house or to live comfortably, which is why displacement and homelessness rates are so high. Just because many people make less than OP does doesn’t mean that they are all by any means comfortably middle class or able to buy a home. The average house price in SF is $1.6 million, which at today’s interest rates would be a $10,000 monthly payment.
Anon
Come on, 90% of SF is not homeless. Yes, the cost of living is a factor in the homelessness issue, but I know people earning significantly less than $300k there and they are not anything closed to impoverished. You don’t have to live in the city limits of SF. The vast majority of Americans commute by car or public transit to work.
anon
I’d still choose to be with the person I love. I’m middle aged and have been married 12 years. Life, marriage, careers are all long and unpredictable. It’s not as easy as you think to marry for wealth and be assured that you will forever enjoy the benefits of that wealth. It’s also possible that you or your boyfriend will one day live in a different place or earn more money where you are, especially if that’s important to you.
Anon
I didn’t say 90% was homeless. But 90% are definitely not able to buy a home and live comfortably.
Telling someone that they should move out of a city they grew up in since it’s unaffordable speaks to the fact that most people cannot comfortably live in SF. Telling someone to displace themselves because it isn’t possible to afford a home in the city is literally proving my point.
The average home prices in all of the Bay Are suburbs (Marin, Berkeley, Oakland) are still over a million. You have to get out to 2-hour rush-hour driving distance in order to get below that.
Please don’t speak about things you don’t know anything about. Most people living in Manhattan and SF are not able to make it work, and many have to leave the places they grew up since it isn’t possible to buy a house or build a long-term plan. Just because you have friends who afford a house doesn’t mean you don’t know anything about it, and your condescension and ignorance is extremely grating.
Anon
I’m sorry, but no. You might not be able to purchase the nicest house in the city, but if you make more than 90% of the city’s residents, you can find suitable housing. Your standard of living is different from a LCOL where that salary is in the 99% percentile, but that’s the trade off. $340k is not even close to impoverished anywhere.
Anon
I don’t know why you think I don’t know what I’m talking about! I lived in Palo Alto, very comfortably, on a HHI of less than $200k. I have many friends still there who earn $350k or less, many of whom have bought homes in the Bay Area and have children in daycare. I understand the Bay Area is very expensive and the heavy traffic makes it hard to live very far from work (although this is less of a factor in the post-pandemic remote work era). The fact remains that even in the Bay Area, $350k is a VERY high income, and most people there earn far less and still have nice, comfortable lives. You can say that you’re going to have a lower standard of living there than you would on the same salary in a cheaper city, which is objectively true, but to act like you can’t have a nice life there on a 90th percentile income is absurd.
Anon
If you’re making $350k, there’s no reason you can’t buy a $1M-1.5M home. I would say that’s a pretty typical home purchase price for that income level. It might be safer and more comfortable to spend less, but if you live in the Bay Area maybe you don’t have that luxury. It doesn’t mean you can’t afford a home.
Anon
I think it’s fine to want to be with someone who makes a decent living but to talk about how you’re falling behind if you don’t marry a millionaire, makes OP seem really out of touch with reality. There’s aren’t enough millionaires in the world for every woman to have a wealthy spouse and to talk about how pretty and charming she is didn’t sit right with me. Just go be a high class person who gets paid to garden if that’s what you want.
Anon
Yes – obviously there aren’t enough millionaires in the world for everyone to marry one. But I read the question as, if someone has the option to marry a millionaire who is a solid person, should they factor that into their decision making?
Folks immediately started attacking her by saying no one would want to marry her, and asked why this would even be an option. She responded that she’s been met with a lot of interest in the dating world, and explained why that may be. Saying “not every woman gets a millionaire so no one should” feels a bit bitter, and not really about the broader argument that you should value connection over money.
Anon
I meant that in the context of falling behind. Falling behind in comparison to who? That’s why I said not everyone marries a millionaire.
Anon
She’s met with “interest” in the dating world and men are “infatuated” with her and she’s “smart.” I literally laughed out loud, because she’s dumb as a rock.
That’s how men react to women in their 20s. Head-turning pretty fades fast and “smart” is a dime a dozen (at least in the world inhabited by successful men). Come back to me when she’s getting interviewed by the NYT, founding a company, taking a case before SCOTUS, etc.
Anon
I’m the founder of a well-funded company, went to an elite college, am incredibly kind and personable, and yes, I’m ‘head-turning pretty.’
Just because you don’t feel attractive or compelling doesn’t mean you can assume no one else is. I don’t know why it matters so much to you that no one else is actually the object of a lot of affection, but I’m here to tell you they are. You don’t need to be a supreme court justice to have a lot of options. I don’t know why people got so so mad about explanation as to why I feel that I do have many options, especially after literally asking me why I think I have options.
Liza
I mean, wanting equal wages with the men who are your colleagues and doing the same work as you doesn’t mean you can’t also be interested in dating/marrying a man who makes more than you. He could be older/more senior, in a different career field, simply more successful… They’re two different issues.
Anonymous
We all have those “am I doing life right?” thoughts, especially as we get older and our path becomes more fixed. I read it more like the OP was jealous of her friends who managed to land a wealthy husband. I mean I get it, I prioritized building my own career; money ranked very low on my list of requirements for guys I dated.
I keep telling DH he needs to invent some mundane but useful thing and then sell the idea for millions so I can be a kept woman. He has yet to comply.
Anon
Thank you so much for this! I am the OP from yesterday and it was exactly that – just a silly ‘am I doing life right’ question. I would never ever break up with my boyfriend for this reason, but in my head I was wondering if it was something I should’ve considered more. More like a ‘oh no, is this something I should regret’ or ‘am I falling behind’ kind of thing. Again, would never break up for this reason or even think about it for more than a day, but I guess just getting hit on by people who make tons of money prompts neurotic ruminating.
Vicky Austin
I hope we weren’t too harsh! Your current BF sounds like a great guy and I’m glad you have such a great connection with him.
Anon
You’re in your 20s (or early 30s?) and pretty and fit. Wait till the rich husband decides to trade you in on a younger model when you’re not. That has happened in 100% of the rich man marriages in my circle.
And the prenup will mean you don’t walk away rich or even comfortable.
Anonymous
Can anyone recommend a dermatologist in ATL that focuses on aesthetics as much or more than medicine? Or a great medispa?
I want to get laser for rosacea and possibly a small surgical solution to a stubborn blemish on my chest but my derm group is very much focused on the medicine side of things and has discouraged addressing the more cosmetic issues.
anon
Dermatology Affiliates. Since that’s a generic name, you want the one where Cynthia Abbott practices. Very good medical dermatology but they offer the full suite of invasive and non-invasive cosmetic treatments. They even have on-staff aestheticians. I started seeing them for a suspicious mole, but stuck with them for my adult onset acne, skin aging, and other cosmetic issues.
Anon
Olansky or Kavali. I’ve used both but these seem to be the gold standards for all the Atlanta people.
Anon
Olansky or Kavali. I’ve used both and have no real preference. These seem to be the gold standards for Atlanta people.
Anon
Artisan plastic surgery I think has a derm on the team
Anonymous
Well y’all, after 3 years it finally got me. Tested positive for COVID. It mostly feels like a moderately bad head cold, with some occasional body aches. I live in a 1-bedroom apartment with my spouse so we can’t really isolate from each other. Ugh.
Senior Attorney
Hugs! And my husband and I had COVID months apart and didn’t really try to isolate (didn’t kiss, didn’t share dishes, but kept sleeping in the same bed and eating meals together and hanging out together) and didn’t catch it from one another either time.
anon
Ah, boo. I hope you feel better soon. Escaping it this long is impressive!
Anon
My daughter has it right now. It’s hard not to worry because she’s away at college and I can’t be there for her. She fortunately lives in an off campus apartment and not the dorms, but she does have a roommate, so she’s limited to the bedroom.
She’s on day 3 and still has the body aches and a very sore throat.
Anon
Ugh. Any idea how you got it after all this time?
I’m nervous right now because my husband is on enough immunosuppressants that they said not to count on vaccine protection, but that Evusheld wasn’t an option either (I guess because it no longer works!). Feels like this is never going to end…
Hope you both do okay with it. Last I heard Paxlovid still works for those who can take it.
HEPA Filters
You can reduce the risk of transmitting it to him by running a HEPA filter (or several, depending on the size of your apartment) and by wearing an N95 or KN95 mask as much as you can.
Ginger
I caught Covid in December after a dinner with a group of friends. 3 of us at one end of the table tested positive about 3 days after the dinner. DH never caught it, and by the time I tested positive we thought it was too late to isolate from each other since we had been intimate, sleeping in the same bed, etc. I had 2-3 days of not feeling well, with the worst being a wicked sore throat that would wake me up in the middle of the night to the extent that I had to pop more Tylenol to take the edge off so that I could go back to sleep.
Wishing you mild symptoms and a speedy recovery!
anon
What do I wear to a bday party at a very casual karaoke bar? My style skews very classic/preppy and I’m afraid I’m going to look too buttoned up in my normal clothes. Like a cable-knit sweater in a karaoke bar doesn’t seem to be it.
DeepSouth
black button down shirt, one more button undone and flare jeans?
distressed jeans, sweater that isn’t cable knit, booties with a heel instead of flats
faux leather pants with a denim jacket
black jeans, silky printed top with a half tuck, shoes with a hell
anon
Hmm, I could probably make some of those combos work. I have an intentionally faded black pair of flares that I bought on a whim at WHBM that might work for this. It’s just so freaking cold right now! And icy. Might have to opt for a block heel.
Anon
How old are you and where do you live?
anon
Early 40s and this is a blue-collar Midwest bar.
anon
Ugh, got sent to mod. I’m in my 40s, and this is a very casual setting in the Midwest. I’m probably overthinking it, but I hate feeling dressed incorrectly for the occasion.
Anon
Okay – I was thinking you were younger. I think in your 40s you can get away with being more put together at something like this.
Jeans and a non-fussy sweater or blouse with fashion sneakers or heeled booties.
anon
Just wear jeans and a non-cable knit sweater. Don’t wear pearls or fussy jewelry. Cute sneakers or flat boots.
pugsnbourbon
Oversized quarter-zip sweater with straight-leg jeans and fashion sneakers.
anon
Just posted this on the mom’s site, but hoping for a wide range of answers. I’m not a car person. have had two in my life. It’s time to replace my current car – a 2013 X5. I’d been hoping to get a couple more years out of it until there are more electric options and we’re in our house where charging will be easier but alas, I need to replace it a little earlier than intended. SO let’s say your budget is around $35k and you want to get something preowned to last you two years or so… what do you get?
Anon
Following as I am in almost the exact situation – difference being that I am hoping to get a new car that will last me awhile. My Hyundai is out of warranty this year and I want to replace it before something goes catastrophically wrong. I am also looking to spend about $35k.
Cb
My parents Hyundai that they bought in 2006 is still on the road, and has never needed major repairs.
Anon
I would get a hybrid Toyota, model would be dependent on what size you need.
FYI, I know the used car market is insane right now, so I am making the recommendation without looking into that. I have no idea if hybrid Toyotas are available, but my guess is they’re hard to come by.
I drive a 20 year old Toyota that I bought about 5 years ago. It was one of the best purchases I’ve ever made.
Greensleeves
+1 I love my hybrid Camry (I’m on my second one) and my brother and sister-in-law love their hybrid Sienna.
Anon
Anon 11:50 here – I have a regular Camry (I think it predates all hybrids) and I LOVE it.
Anon
I commented on the mom page, but one of our cars is a 24 year old Toyota Camry and the other is a 14 year old Toyota Camry. Neither has had any significant work done except we replaced the struts on the older car about 10 or 12 years ago. Those things run FOREVER.
anon
I would not limit yourself to a used car. For makes that hold their value, the difference on a new v. 2 year old car is negligible and you get a better warranty on a new car. Just bought a subaru and the new was almost the same price as used. If you get an american car other than a jeep, this is not true however.
pugsnbourbon
I think this is a good idea, esp if OP only plans to use the car for 2 years (and then trade in/sell for an electric model).
anon
I bought a 2020 Volkswagen Tiguan new for a little under that price point and love it. It has tons of options that I don’t even use and a few that are key. I hadn’t realized how far the safety features have progressed; it has a remarkable ability to see oncoming cars while in reverse that are not visible to a human driver when it senses them. I would spring for something recent if not new for that feature alone.
Sunshine
Lexus SUV. It will either last a long time or have good resale value in a few years.
Anon
I really encourage you to look at the VW Tiguan. The Tiguan has a very nice interior (not leather, but great vinyl seats), an absolutely fabulous dash/screen/tech interface, really good gas mileage, and a fantastic warranty. I’ve had mine 2 years and cannot love this car more. A fully loaded Tiguan is right around $35K, with the extended warranty to 10 years. If you are looking for hybrid/electric, look at the ID.4.
Seventh Sister
I have a Lexus NX and I love it. My mom has a similar Lexus that she got preowned and is also very happy.
Anon
Volvo station wagon. Best cars ever.
Anon
+100000000000
Anon
I think you’re going to be disappointed with what 35k gets you coming from an X5…
Anonymous
Curious about having to replace a 2013 q5. I have a 2012 q5 and (knock on wood) and it’s still fine.
Anonymous
I love our 2021 Volvo XC40.
Sabbatical plans?
If you had a two month sabbatical in July and August, what would you do and where would you go? Just got my request approved and I’m starting to dream. Some part of it (likely around 3 weeks) will involve three teenage kids. The rest, while they are off at camps, will involve just me and my husband. Willing to splurge as this is a once in a lifetime opportunity — likely only sabbatical and only big trip before the kids starting going off to college. I’m all over the place with ideas — Africa, Canadian Rockies, Europe. We are more nature/outdoors people and less city people, though I do like the idea of doing some history/museums without the kids. I have not seen much in Europe outside of the UK and have otherwise not left North America.
Anon
I would probably be looking for a relaxation trip, so would be tempted to get a beach or other vacation house and spend the whole 2 months there! Or, I would LOVE to do an extended National Parks trip.
If you’re looking for more travel or adventure I’d consider Hawaii, Costa Rica, hiking the Inca trail and time to explore South America, a Southeast Asia trip, or Australia/New Zealand (though that may be difficult with the Women’s World Cup)
Anon
Fun! I’d base yourselves in Europe and travel around a lot. You can see a lot in a short time because Europe is pretty compact and has a good train system.
Anon
Depends on your budget, but my husband and I just did a safari in South Africa and it was the most magical week of my life. It’s quite expensive and the cost is per person, so if you can go without your kids it may be worth it! Especially if you’re more of a nature/outdoors person, it’s truly life-changing and awe-inspiring to see such amazing wildlife up close and in their natural habitat.
If you want to do something more affordable with the whole family, highly recommend Costa Rica. We’ve been 3 times and it really has something for everyone – beaches, mountains, rainforest, etc. Aside from a few bumpy mountain roads, driving there is relatively easy and safe so you could rent a car and spend a couple weeks exploring several different locations. The hiking and birding there is incredible, plus other fun wildlife like monkeys and sloths.
Anonymous
I would plan 3 trips of 3 weeks each and stop home for a few days in between. This will also work with your home insurance which may have rules about house being unoccupied for more than 30 days.
With kids I would do:
1st trip – fly into Calgary – 1 week hiking/hot springs in Banff/Lake Lousie/Jasper. FLy Calgary to Paris direct (westjet – 8 hrs), 3 days Paris, TGV to Nice – 3 -4 days south of France. Train to Pisa then tour in Maremma National Park, then 3 days Rome. Fly home and drop kids at camp.
2nd trip – 3 weeks South America – look at G Adventures for their National Geographic tours.
3rd trip – Your city to Boston or Montreal then direct to Azores for 3 days – on to Lisbon for a couple days. Then 1 week – 10 days Barcelona/Spain and incl cross over to Morocco for a few days. Fly Barcelona – Zurich for Alps hiking – 3 days, then train to Vienna (maybe hiking stop in Innsbruck), opera/museums in Vienna and fly home.
Sabbatical plans?
I love all of these ideas so much. Thank you! You have me googling!
No Face
I would go somewhere far flung, like Patagonia or New Zealand.
NYCer
Unfortunately, July and August is not the best time to visit either of those places.
Anon
+1 really not the right time for those. Or Antarctica, which is also an amazing trip that really has to be 2-3 weeks.
Anon
How much money are you looking to spend? Some of these suggestions could easily get north of $50k (especially if you’re talking about a family of five), so if budget is at all a factor I feel like that probably needs to be your starting point.
anon
I would prioritize places that are harder to visit on a typical weeklong vacation. For me, I’d say take the 5 kid-free weeks and travel through Australia from end to end (including Tasmania) and New Zealand. Or travel Chile from north to south (Atacama, Santiago, wine country, the lake district, take the ferry down the channels to Patagonia, visit Tierra del Fuego), fly to Isla Navarino (I’ve always wanted to do that but you can’t unless you have a lot of time because the flights are weather-dependent) and hike, then cross over to Argentine Patagonia, see Ushuia (cruise to Antarctica?) then work your way north through the pampas. Hit Buenos Aires, stay on a polo farm, and then finish up your trip on the Brazilian border at Iguazu Falls.
Anon
You can only cruise to Antarctica from November to March. The ships can’t get through the ice the rest of the year. As others noted, this is also the wrong time of year for Patagonia and Aus/NZ (although parts of Aus are ok in their winter).
anon_needs_a_break
Id spend 2 weeks on a trip or adventure with the kids (unclear what that looks like, depends on your family’s style – camping? a lake house? a visit to national parks? IDK)
I’d spend 3-4 weeks at home, being a tourist in my own town, relaxing, organizing, etc.
and I’d spend 2-3 weeks in Italy with a heavy emphasis on the coasts!
Maybe add another week on for additional travel in Europe but for me personally that’s usually too stressful.
Anonymous
I second Europe at least for part of the time. Do one of the GR trails and perhaps include a variant of the Tour de Mont Blanc. Add in some culture days. In addition to Europe perhaps Oman (I loved it!) or Namibia.
Anonymous
Villa in Tuscany
Anon
This is our plan. I work remotely and my husband is a prof who is remote in summers, so hoping to do this within the next few years. Except it will likely be “modest apartment” rather than “villa” for budget reasons.
A
Africa, Europe, Asia, Oz and NZ.
The world is your oyster.
River bird
I would choose a home base in Europe, in a beautiful place with hiking, and do short trips to cities/museums from there. There’s nothing like having the ability to experience the rhythms of daily life in a different culture, which is harder to get when you are on a whirlwind tour. I would also do a language immersion but fluency in a second language is my own personal goal.
Or I would do a once in a lifetime trip to a destination that will be hard to do when I’m older/retired – Patagonia, Machu pichu, backpacking somewhere remote – with the kids, and then do a tour of national parks in the southwest without the kids.
Sabbatical plans?
I love the idea of a home base in Europe with hiking and doing short trips from there. Any specific ideas on best places to explore for that purpose?
Anon
What are your interests? Are you more bothered by too hot or too cold weather? Will the kids be with you? What kind of food do you like? There’s an ease to countries in which English is the official language or spoken near-universally (the UK and Scandinavia), especially with kids, but those countries aren’t on the continent so travel from them will be more expensive and more time-consuming. Germany might be a good compromise.
July and August can be unpleasantly hot in a lot of continental Europe, so if I were going then I’d try to prioritize mountain regions like the Alps where it’s cooler, beach destinations like the French/Spanish/Italian rivieras and islands like Mallorca where you’ll spend a lot of your day in or near the ocean, and cities at higher latitudes where the temps won’t be so sweltering (Copenhagen, Stockholm, Amsterdam, Bruges, London, are all good choices).