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I did a closet cleanout this weekend and realized that I have three different black-and-white tweed jackets (one cropped and boxy, one fitted, one long), and I couldn’t bear to part with any of them. They’re perfect for a no-brainer outfit — just throw one on over a black dress or with black pants and a black top and you’ve got an ensemble without really trying.
This Helene Berman version is perfectly tailored and has a gorgeous rich-looking tweed. If I weren’t already maxed out, I might be looking to add it to my collection!
The jacket is $295 at Nordstrom and available in sizes XS–XL.
A more affordable option is from Aqua — it's on sale for $58.80 at Bloomingdale's.
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Anon
Any lawyers here who left litigation for some other practice as a senior associate? Can you tell me about your experience? I’m a senior associate who is starting to dislike my practice. I dislike dealing with opposing counsels who bicker about every little thing, the constant fire-drills, and the cut throat coworkers who compete rather than behave like a team. I get that a lot of it comes down to whether you like your boss, but I’m no longer in biglaw and it still hasn’t gotten much better.
Anon
I work in a specialized area for government. We have repeatedly hired attorneys as litigators who decide to shift away from litigation after working side-by-side with those who don’t litigate. So while this is not personal experience, my observation is that they have never looked back. If someone misses litigation, they can handle a smaller case or be part of the team for a larger case. Change is possible.
Cat
If you have experience in a particular industry, you might look for in-house roles that aren’t litigation but are in that industry – they might be willing to train someone on, say, their template contracts, but be glad you have the regulatory knowledge already down.
Anon
I know people that have gone on to be supervisors of adjustors at insurance companies. You are still dealing with litigation but you are just generally overseeing things as the client rather than as the attorney.
AFT
Ditto in-house. I’m in house in a specialty that involves a lot of litigation (employment law) after 10 years in biglaw, but the work I do now avoids a lot of the crummy parts of litigation you mentioned, like bickering with opposing counsel or a lot of discovery. Maybe look for regulatory/compliance work within the in-house world, in addition to just “assistant general counsel” type work that may lean more corporate.
No Face
I have several friends who left litigation (at the senior associate level) for in-house positions and they are all very happy. One shifted from financial services litigation to regulatory work for a bank. Another went from employment litigation to in-house employment. One went from general civil litigation to in-house litigation (aka managing outside counsel and reducing risk of litigation internally). So on and so forth.
anon
I left a litigation practice for a transactional practice. My litigation practice had a regulatory focus, including some healthcare regulation. Now, I have a regulatory/transactional practice, with some corporate law sliding in. I was fortunate to find a mentor who worked closely with me for two years to get me up to speed in this practice before she retired.
Anonymous
Speaking of blazers, I’ve got my eye on a double-faced wool blazer. I’m hesitant to buy because of the lack of a lining. I want to wear the blazer with knit shirts and worry about the fabrics clinging to each other. What’s been your experience with double-faced wool jackets or coats?
Anonymous
Have had no trouble with buggy-lined (partial shoulder lining)
wool.
I would be more concerned based on fit/ease and your general static level.
Anon
In addition to cling, I’d also be worried about the wear and tear on your knit shirts, at least if you were going to wear the blazer frequently.
Anonymous
Hate hate hate them. For the reasons you said. I don’t find they ever hang properly. Will never buy one again!
Anon
is it obnoxious to a realtor to ask them to speak with DH after already speaking with me, when we still haven’t decided whether or not to go with them yet? i understand that they are ultimately working for us, but in case we encounter whoever we don’t choose down the line, i want to make sure i am being respectful
Anon
It’s fine. Don’t over think it.
Source: DH is a realtor
Realtors will generally be happy to do whatever you need to feel comfortable considering using them.
Betsy
Not only is it reasonable, it might help you weed out a realtor who isn’t going to make time for you when you are actually house searching.
Curious
Not at all. Your realtor should treat you like you are the most reasonable people ever even when you are flip flopping on whether to offer on a house. It’s their job.
CHL
Is anyone here part of a team that uses Office 365 tools (Teams, OneDrive) with documents that use passwords? We do a lot of this – here’s the link, and then I’ll email you a password, and it’s just super annoying because you’ve got 20 emails with different passwords and if you’re me, you lose track of what belongs to what, etc.. Is there a better way??
Anonymous
You need a cloud file storage system with access controls. Our org uses Box. Not sure whether OneDrive has this feature.
Ribena
I have a specific email folder for password emails – not saving which one goes with which document of course! I sometimes write a clue down on paper (on the grounds that it’s not hackable like a digital system)
anon
If you’re in Teams, can you set up a specific channel and only add people who need access to the documents posted in that channel?
anonchicago
I keep password hints (like the first letter or two) in a one note. In my work, we often have different passwords for each client but the form stays similar (e.g., a 1 at the end).
Anon
My org uses LastPass and there are shared folders that everyone can access with saved passwords.
shanananana
within one drive you can give access to only specific people within the cloud and we use this often to share things like that so that we are not constantly dealing with passwords or putting attachments in email. We had a security breach earlier this year and our one drive files were the only ones not hacked, so that has been the push to all ever since.
CHL
This group is amazing! Thank you so much!
Anonymous
Interested in your experiences. For those of you who’ve created friendships like they are chosen family because your own families are far or unsupportive or whatever, how have you avoided certain pitfalls or if you haven’t — what do you wish you had avoided? Example — have you ended up in situations where it felt those friends were reliant on that friend group as that sole source of entertainment, support etc. Or have you ended up in situations where you felt like the third wheel or felt someone else was too much of a third wheel? Basically what have your experiences been, what would you do differently?
50 year old single woman that sees a nice possible close friends situation developing but IDK from my younger day all I remember is friends being all about each other to the point where it was too much and then ended in a falling out where you hardly spoke again.
LaurenB
This is too general. Can you be more specific?
Anon
I have found that friendships change as you grow older, and become less ‘needy’. And friendship is a two-way street, you both determine the intensity. Why pass on a possible good friendship because of what may happen? You are not the exact same person you were when you were younger, take a chance to make a new friend.
Anonymous
Yes this. You’re part of it! You have control!
Anonymous
I think you’ve hit the issues on the head. Just keep them in the back of your mind and go forward and have fun. I think adult friends groups tend to fall apart if people start acting like it’s Friends (tv). I mean it was cute that everyone went to Monica’s in the morning before work and hung out there or at the coffee shop from the minute work ended until they were ready to go to sleep but that was fictional and they were 25. As you know IRL people have jobs that aren’t done precisely at 5 pm, they have responsibilities whether they have kids or not, and frankly I think people like some downtime where they don’t have to talk to anyone. I think all of this is true for single people just as for married people. I mean my single friends tend to always have projects going on often those that’ll cost them money if they don’t get done in a timely way because they’re renovating a house or flipping a house or studying for a licensing exam outside work.
Cat
I think the expectations of Tween Pack Friendship (we are all equally close with each other right?!?) fade in adulthood.
I appreciate a group that generally gets along well together, but expecting adult women to all be the same “level” of friends with each other to be unrealistic. I see this happening at work – in Normal Times there are 4-5 of us that go out to lunch once a month or so, but of that group, we each tend to linger in only 1 or 2 of other group members’ offices daily, KWIM? Even the SATC script didn’t try to have all 4 characters perfectly in synch at all times.
On the third wheel point – honestly maybe try to avoid 3-person subgroups. The odds that two of the three people are closer, or both love to talk about a particular topic that’s not interesting to the 3rd person, seem way too high.
Bonnie Kate
If you’re worried about this, be intentional with the boundaries as it develops. I wouldn’t come right out and say, “Friend, I will not hang out 5 nights a week” – but instead don’t be available to hang out 5 nights a week. Just because you don’t have plans doesn’t mean you have to make plans if offered. Same with texting – my friends know that I put away my phone and may not text them back immediately at all times. Also something that is beautiful about my friendships as we’re getting into our mid-thirties is that we’re all becoming really open with our needs – so if we need to have a day to just be alone, we tell each other instead of just going along with the plans.
Finally, the best advice I have for friendships – assume the best intentions. And detach from taking things personally. For example, in our twenties I had a friend who would almost always make plans and flake when she was back in town. There was the temptation to just be done. Instead, I flipped the script and started setting myself up with an alternative treat every time I made a plan with her. For example, we’d make a plan to go out to dinner. I would tell myself that if friend flaked, I’d buy myself a Carmello candy bar (yes, so ridiculously simple). So then when friend flaked, I’d go buy myself the Carmello – and also feel way less bad about it because I was prepared for it. Now some of you may be thinking I just let this friend walk all over me – but it was where she was at at that time of her life, it wasn’t about me. I detached from the idea that her flaking was personal – because it wasn’t. Now 10 years later, she’s in a much different place, and we still have a friendship that is now closer than ever.
Anonymous
My two best friends are my cousins (they’re sisters and I’m like the third sister). We text every single day, FaceTime once a week, were co-MOH in each other’s weddings, etc. The downside is that no other friendships that any of us have can QUITE compare. The upside is that we have this close bond forged over 30 years and that we can discuss ANYTHING ranging from work and relationship problems to someone’s weird mole or digestive issues. It’s not for everyone and I think it can verge on codependent when someone is having a more serious life problem, but I wouldn’t change it.
Anonymous
As you yourself recognize, it is being needy or overly reliant or having too many expectations that drives people away. Not my experience but one that’s playing out with my cousin who is one of my best friends growing up but lives across the country now. She’s 50+, single, not dating so likely will remain single. Happened to buy a house in a neighborhood that is very friendly so it gave her an instant friend group with summer BBQs and randomly hanging out after work, celebrating birthdays etc., which has been great for her.
From there though it has morphed into this co dependent friendship with one couple — that knowing her — is just going to explode. It’s a 45-50 year old married couple that lives next door, no kids. During the pandemic they’ve formed a bubble so they get together, spent the holidays together. Ok nice. And yet it’s now co dependent. When their area was warning there would be second/third waves after the holidays, all I heard was oh Mary and I (the wife of said couple) are stocking up, we’ve already been to x store and y store, all we need to do is go to the hardware store and buy stuff for the BBQ grill etc. and then we are staying home, as if they NEEDED to shop together. I mean it wasn’t merely hey if you go to the store and see a Lysol, can you get me one, I’ll pay; it was like household planning. They’ve exchanged keys (in before pandemic times) not just in case of lock out – they’ll just walk into each others’ houses. This couple has a fancy basement gym and invites Cousin to come work out there anytime — so she’ll use her key to just go into their empty home or sometimes she’ll go knowing the wife is at work and the husband (who worked from home even in before times) is there. IDK something about it feels off.
And now I can see the falling out starting a bit. The wife of that couple is a hospital nurse so she got a vaccine in Dec. Cousin I guess decided, hey we’re best friends, she got hers in Dec., she’ll hook me up in Jan. Cousin doesn’t fall in any of the categories that are being vaccinated in their state — a bunch of categories have been called but they’re saying counties need to get the 75 yr olds done, then 65 etc. Nurse I guess doesn’t have the connections to grab a shot or maybe won’t help line jumping. Cousin is starting to be FURIOUS that she doesn’t have her vaccine and Friend isn’t helping her. Reality is though as I’ve gently said to Cousin — she’s a friend but not your family; say she got one extra vaccine (which I highly highly doubt), guess what she is going to make sure it goes to her HUSBAND, not you. You aren’t a member of their marriage!? Knowing Cousin she’ll continue to grow more furious as the months tick by without a vaccine (as for all of us) and this couple resumes normal life — going out to stores without fear, some trips etc. — and is no longer going to be as interested in stocking up for their households etc. because they can just go to the store whenever.
So yeah don’t get to that level of co dependence and you’re fine.
lifer
Maybe it’s just me, but the only problem here that I see is that your friend (and you?) think the possibility of ?line jumping to get a vaccine is ok. Maybe that’s what you should be emphasizing. We all have to wait our turn. It’s not your neighbor’s fault that you can’t get one early. No, most health care providers don’t have secret contacts and ways of sneaking their friends and family in to get a vaccine early.
Otherwise, how wonderful for her she found a best friend next door in this terrible time. Not sure why you are being so doomsday.
Anonymous
OMG No. I am TOTALLY against line jumping. I don’t think ANYONE should be promoting line jumping — I know a fair number of 80+ year olds without a vaccine so yeah Cousin wait your turn like everyone else. Cousin 100% does think line jumping is ok, everyone does it, and friend should help. I agree with you that as a nurse her friend very likely had no special access to begin with, her employer scheduled her because she rightly needed it to work in a hospital so she got hers. I’m just saying IF her friend had any connections to extra vaccine (totally unlikely but like hearing that doses had to get used that day but there were cancelations or whatever), she is not going to be calling up Cousin, she’s going to be calling up her husband.
Anonymous
IDK line jumping aside (and I’m not ok with it either), I think this situation is weird. Using your key to go into someone else’s house? Regularly going into someone else’s house when just the husband is home? I’m all for having male friends but something about this doesn’t sound right. The shopping stuff ok whatever that’s regular co dependence, but something about being an add on to someone else’s marriage sounds wrong to me. YMMV I come from a traditional background and feel it’s totally fine to have male friends esp if you met thru work/industry, but when they are someone else’s husband and live next door and you’re friends with the wife too, I think you tread lightly.
No Face
Maybe the cousin and the couple are actually in a romantic relationship and cousin hasn’t told OP? That would make the most sense.
Anonymous
It actually does sound like a relationship in some way beyond just friends.
Anonymous
I’ve had almost universally bad experiences with friend groups. Ime, the friend group insulates bad behavior, resists change, excludes outsiders, and gangs up on anyone who dares to challenge the status quo. I’ve lost two otherwise good relationships because my 30-something BF wouldn’t stand up to his 30-something friends: they opposed BF doing basically anything with me/my people (ie once a week date night was too much), supported and entrenched him in unreasonable positions (ie I’m deathly allergic to dogs and he wanted a dog), and insulated bad people from natural consequences of their actions (ie guy strangled his gf and shoved me when I tried to help her, I refused to be around him ever again, friendgroup keeps inviting him to things because theyre “neutral”, then they’re mad I won’t hang out with them). And again, no these are not high school kids, these are grown adults with spouses and some had kids. Basically I was a controlling harpy if I said anything other than an unqualified yes to what group or BF wanted.
I have a friend group now but I’m sort of on the fringes. The core group has plenty of drama, I just stay out of it and I’m sure I don’t even know the half of it. They’re fun acquaintances to hang out with but tbh I haven’t seen or heard from most of them since COVID, except for the group chat. I keep up with the handful of people I really like.
Anonymous
Is this a group of friends situation?
I find Captain Awkward’s descriptions and advice about group dynamics very helpful (look under Geek Social Fallacies), at her blog.
I find one of the most important parts of a group, is to have one-on-one time with people, choosing to have coffee with one person at a time, for example. Have separate relationships and conversations from group activity and resist having only whole-group-time. Make it normal not to always be everbody (not excluding, just building individual time as well).
Anon
Yes I’ve been in this situation and I had to back off because it became too much for me. For us, it was another couple who were neighbors. Our dogs were best friends through the fence so we started leaving the gate between our houses open so they could play, and before long the neighbors in that house started wandering over when their dog did. They were a bit younger than us so it became almost like an auntie and uncle thing. Unfortunately it became really uncomfortable for us after a while because they were just in our space too much and too dependent on us. We hadn’t drawn appropriate boundaries in the beginning and it became hurtful to establish them later. We both ended up moving somewhere else (not due to the friendship) and haven’t kept in touch.
Anonymous
I’ve actually always been super careful of these types of friendships with neighbors. I know friends who have had very friendly neighbors — friends encouraged it/enjoyed it at first — but it got to the point where their car would pull into the drive, neighbors would find some reason to pop over. And then it gets hard to pull back on that because you do have to live next to each other and aren’t moving esp if you are all owners rather than renters. Like to me I’d feel like I was a 10 year old, I walk in the door, doorbell rings, hey will your mom let you come out and play. Uh noooo I just want to unwind/make dinner/load the dishwasher/whatever.
Friends are awesome but I much prefer friends and friend groups that don’t live near me. That way if I want to go to that after church or work or whatever meet up with them, great. If not, yeah I gotta get home, see you later. They don’t need to walk by my patio and see my plans at home = sitting on the couch.
Anon
Late response but yes. I’m the poster you were replying to. When we moved, we met and were friendly with our neighbors but never made friends with them. We are probably “too” cautious now!
My husband and I sometimes use the former neighbor’s names as an adjective. When we hear about someone being taking advantage of/codependent/in too close etc, (like my niece whose roommate’s boyfriend and his buddies spend all their time at my niece’s apartment, expect to be fed, cleaned up after, etc) we’re like, “Wow, how Sam and Ashley*” Not to be mean actually, because there’s a lot about Sam and Ashley that I feel sorry for, but it does serve as a reminder to us that everyone can accidentally end up in situations like this, and we remain on guard.
*names changed
Anon
I’m here to share a suggestion that may be obvious to most people but has significantly made my life better working from home the last few weeks. It’s such a minor thing but contributes to my happiness.
I like to drink herbal tea throughout the day, usually chamomile. I like it to be really hot, still steaming, but not so hot that it burns your mouth when you try to drink it. I was looking for a goldilocks option. A regular mug of tea was getting too cool too quickly. My yeti and other travel containers were staying way to hot and I was burning my mouth on the regular.
We have a giant Stanley thermos for camping or other outdoor activities. It’s 1.4Q. It comes with the little cup that goes on top of the lid that’s just about teacup size. I’ve been making a giant thermos of herbal tea each morning and then just pouring some into the little cup throughout the day. I usually drink the little cup fast enough that it stays hot. What I pour from the thermos is steaming but is drinkable within minutes.
Sometimes the old fashion solutions are the best solutions!
Anon
Brilliant. Off to make tea in my Stanley thermos now.
Anon
Very similar problem and solution — I asked for and got a tetsubin tea pot for Christmas. It’s a Japanese cast iron teapot (not tea kettle! though those exist too) and keeps my tea hot for a couple of hours. I use it along with a very fancy teacup from an inherited set and it all sparks incredible amounts of joy and makes me dread returning to the office!
anonshmanon
Oooh, thanks for the reminder to pull out my fancy teacup!
Anon
Bring it with you when you return to the office! Assuming there is somewhere you can get hot water for tea!
Tea/Coffee
Absolutely! I have a 32oz insulated French press but have cut way back on caffeine. Also WFh most days. So i make big pots of tea, they stay hot but not scalding, and the lid strainer but prevents the teabag from falling into my mug. Bonus, i am using fewer teabags vs making tea cup by cup bc i can’t stand reusing teabags!
It truly is the little things. Also God bless DH who broke the glass carafe on my traditional French press, thus inspiring me to get the stainless steel insulated one in the first place!
Anon
I’m so shocked that one tea bag is enough for this whole thermos! I’m definitely saving tons of teabags this way too.
Anon
I use 12-inch tweezers to fish the tea bags out, so I can have hot tea and not worry about stewed tea.
Anon
It’s good that you let your drinks cool a little. There are actual health consequences including an increased risk of esophogeal cancer from drinking burning hot drinks on a regular basis.
MagicUnicorn
Another solution: if you use a yeti, make the tea slightly cooler to start with. For me, tea at 90*C cools too quickly in a regular china mug unless I drink it fast, but still burns my tongue hours later if I put it in my yeti. If I make it at 80*C and put it in my yeti, it starts out & stays sippable all day.
anonshmanon
A lot of modern water kettles either show you the temp or even let you program a different target than boiling temp. The last few degrees use the most energy, too. So, stopping at 10-20 degrees lower saves a chunk of energy, makes the tea drinkable faster, and is even the recommended preparation for some black/green teas. I do it for my herbal teas, also because I am impatient standing in front of my kettle.
Anon
Also a great idea. I use a stove top tea kettle but could get the electric programable kind instead. Good ole Stanley will work for now though!
No Face
Time to bust out my china tea cups!
Senior Attorney
I do this with my morning coffee. Obviously no office coffee now with the pandemic so I bring a thermos of my home-brewed (much better than office brewed) coffee every morning and it’s been great. I’m never going back.
Anon
I wish I could handle that much caffeine! Assuming you are not drinking decaf.
Senior Attorney
Haha caffeine = life.
You should see me this morning: I am hopped up on steroids (prednisone for shingles — feeling amost human) AND coffee!! Boing boing off the walls!!
Anon
Sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with shingles, SA. Feel better!
Anon
Ha, this is what I always do for my morning tea. I have a big Hydro Flask thermos that I just pour into a regular coffee mug to drink out of.
Anon
I just finished The Lost Book of the Grail and really enjoyed it (thank you to Sloan Sabbith for recommending The Modern Mrs. Darcy blog all those months ago – it’s where I found this one!). It made me want to revisit what I think of as the “historical puzzle page-turner” genre (The Da Vinci Code is probably a better-known example). Does anyone have any other recommendations in this genre? I’d especially love options with female protagonists and I always love a historical page-turner set in Europe. I’ve read a record (for me) 10 books so far in January and I’m eager to keep up this much reading as the pandemic slogs on…
Cb
Kate Mosse maybe?
Korvapuusti
Not a female main character, but The Rule of Four is one of my favorites in that genre!
Ribena
Oooh. Have you read any Victoria Hislop? I remember really enjoying The Island.
I also have Possession by AS Byatt on my shelf.
Looking forward to seeing other suggestions!
PNW
+1 on AS Byatt. The movie isn’t too bad either if you can tolerate Gwenyth Paltrow.
Anon
I haven’t read these yet, but someone recommended Megan Chase novels to me on Kindle as light, historical suspense novels. I would guess they are lighter and more domestic but may still appeal?
If you haven’t read Umberto Eco’s novels yet, they are more fun than they get credit for. Still not really page turners, but I would describe them as “transporting” in case that’s appealing these days.
Sloan Sabbith
Ooh, so happy you like MMD! I love it so much.
Shadow of the Wind!!! Has that puzzle feeling and it’s super atmospheric.
PNW
Gospel by Wilton Barnhardt. It’s maybe 30 years old (wow) but has female protagonist, secret societies, and global adventures!
Senior Attorney
No secret societies but I loved The Other Boleyn Girl.
Cat
Not a puzzle exactly – and not likely to help you break a record number of books due to the length – but Pillars of the Earth is definitely gripping historical fiction that unfolds over decades, and has several interesting female characters.
Anonymous
Tom Egeland is a «Scandi Dan Brown», sort of, and translated into English.
Try The Guardians of the Covenant.
anon
The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova should fit the bill pretty perfectly. I’d also suggest Lev Grossman’s Codex (which is about the Voynich Manuscript, although I recall finding the ending slightly disappointing).
Friday
Shopping help? I am in the market for an electric burr coffee grinder. Currently have a Krups, which I hate: the static electricity gets the grounds everywhere and it keeps running after it has ground all its beans, so it sounds like an airplane taking off. We previously had a Bodum: DH thought it didn’t last long enough. Any other suggestions?
Cat
We have a small Hamilton Beach (“custom grind”) – we use it only on weekends but it’s 4 or 5 years old now and doing fine.
anonshmanon
Breville is always a good choice in my opinion. The static cling could also have to do with the kind of beans that you use. Some varieties are worse than others.
Anon
How long was “not long enough”? Our Bodum has been used on average 2 times a day for 2 years, is still going strong and if it breaks down tomorrow I’ll replace with the same. Is it possible you just got a lemon last time?
MagicUnicorn
I have a Breville Smart Grinder (purchased in 2015) that I love and would buy again if it died tomorrow. It has a hopper that you fill and then you select how much you want to grind and it doesn’t go more than a second or two over after grinding the selected amount, just long enough to clear out any loose beans still in the burr.
Our house is very dry in the winter and I don’t notice the grinder being excessively static prone, although I do notice that if someone uses their fingers to wipe out the grounds from the container, the next grind will have bits stuck to the finger oils left behind.
Anon
I’d look at the Wirecutter for this kind of thing.
LawDawg
I recently bought an OXO grinder that is working really well. The cup that the coffee falls into is metal and there is a small metal arm on the grinder that touches it during the grinding process. This helps eliminate the status and the mess. The grinder is adjustable for how long to grind and how fine.
Saguaro
+1 I just upped my coffee maker and grinder game, and ended up going with this grinder. I think the metal cup the grinds go into is anti-static, so no issues there ever.
Airplane.
Do you already have a next level blender? Vitamix and Blendtec grind my beans perfectly for cold brew, french press, etc. – one less appliance.
Senior Attorney
Also pro tip: We have a second coffee grinder for fresh herbs and spices and it’s been a game changer.
Anon
For a burr grinder look at Baratza brand. I’ve had their cheapest model for more than a decade. I think they were the best wrt quality for the price when I bough it.
Mary Lou Retton
I recently got a Baratza Encore, and it is amazing. I do pour over with a fine grind, and its as good as the grind I get at the coffee shop.
Anon
Look at coffeegeek for recommendations. I have one they kind of recommended at the time but it’s 10+ years old and I’m sure there are newer models that are improved.
Hollis
Stop researching now because I have exactly what you are looking for and went over to my kitchen to confirm. I have the Capresso Infinity Conical Burr Grinder, Brushed Silver and it rocks. I’ve had it for about 5 years and it’s working really well. Has 4 settings so I use coarse for cold brew infusing and fine for drip. It costs way more than my coffee maker but it’s been worth it since I never buy drip coffee at coffee shops anymore. I think 3 other people in my family have liked it so much that they own the same model.
Anon
Yes, I am also happy with my Capresso Infinity.
Anon
That’s also the one I have. I’m the coffeegeek recommender above. Except mine has like 12 settings. The only knock coffeegeek gave it was not having an infinite number of settings (a dial without clicks) but I’m not enough of a coffee geek to notice the difference.
Anonymous
Can anyone recommend a good historical fiction book set in Central Asia? I love something long and big and juicy and don’t mind a family generations saga.
Anonymous
Not central Asia, but I really enjoyed Pachinko. Following!
Notinstafamous
They’re fantasy vs. straight historical fiction but I really enjoyed the Eternal Sky series by Elizabeth Bear (Mongolian), and the Poppy War by RF Juang (Second Sino-Japanese War). Also Under Heaven (8th century China) and River of Stars (Song Dynasty) by Guy Gavriel Kay.
There’s also Wild Swans by Jung Chang – it’s the story of her grandmother, mother, and then her autobiography. I read it 15 years ago and it’s one of those books that really sticks with you. Not fiction but it’s a great generational story.
anne-on
I don’t say this lightly, but I’d caveat the Poppy War recommendation by saying it was VERY VERY graphically brutal w/r/t the war scenes. If you aren’t looking for descriptions of atrocities committed against civilian women and children in your fiction, you may want to skip. I understand that it was based in historical fact, but it was hard to stomach and I wish I had a heads up before reading it on a vacation.
Anonymous
It also seems like East Asia?
Notinstafamous
That is a very good point! My apologies for not including a note to that effect.
Fixitupchappie
I 2nd Wild Swans. Like NotInstaFamous I read it 15 or so years ago and it still stays with me. If I remember correctly there are some depressing scenes (it’s 20th China, unfortunately it is to be expected) but nothing as graphic as the Poppy Wars.
Anon
I presume that you have exhausted Amy Tan? Not everything takes place in Asia, but it is interwoven in her books. I remember finishing the first chapter of Joy Luck Club and feeling like my breath had been knocked out.
Anonymous
I haven’t but I think of her as China/East Asia? I was looking more for the ‘stans. But if I’m wrong will def delve more into her work!
PNW
The Years of Rice and Salt by Kim Robinson. It’s an alternate history that is very sweeping in scope and focuses on Central Asia/Middle East/China.
Cb
The Eighth Life – set in Georgia (which isn’t a stan but in the region). I haven’t read it but a friend who I trust raved about it. Intergenerational family saga, big. I’ve been waiting to get it on kindle as it’s too hefty in hardback.
anon
Not exactly Central Asia, because it’s set in Anatolia but the teenager in me remember very fondly of the Japanese comic series The Sky is on the Banks of the Red River. It was everything I wanted when I was 14: fantasy, faraway lands, epic romance, smut. Tangent recommendations: Turkish TV series like The Magnificent Century are also great fun to watch. They can be long and sometimes frustrating but they’re much better than US soap tv.
Anony
The Toss of A Lemon by Padma Viswanathan; set in India and a multi-generational saga. I adored it.
Curious
How about James Michener, Caravans? It’s about Afghanistan.
Curious
Pushkin also has epic poems about the Caucusus — Kavkazkii plenik, which I think translates to Horseman of the Caucasus, might be a fun read. It’s not multigenerational but it’s super dramatic.
Curious
Lol why on earth did this go to mod
Curious
And sorry, it’s prisoner of the Caucusus, not Horseman. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Prisoner_of_the_Caucasus_(poem)
An.On.
This may be too far outside of your parameters, but Barry Hughart wrote three books, now collected in a “Master Li and Number Ten Ox Chronicles” omnibus. They can be hard to find, but basically involve a “detective” and his apprentice in a fantastical/magical realism version of ancient China, with lots of wit and references to mythology and philosophy. The first book, “Bridge of Birds” is the most popular and easiest to track down, and if you like that, try the omnibus.
Former Parisian
The Day Lasts More Than a Hundred Years, by Chingiz Aitmatov. A wonderful multi-generational saga set in Kazakhstan during Stalinist times by a renowned Kyrgyz writer.
Anon
I agree; this is a really good read.
Anonymous
Also: Ali and Nino by Kurban Said. Not quite set in Central Asia, but close enough: a love story set in 1920s Azerbaijan.
Ness
Loved it too (movie also)
Anonymous
I would actually recommend «Kim» by Kipling.
You have to be able to stomach the colonial elements, but the main character himself is a celebration of an apetite for all cultures, a cameleon who glides between the barriers.
And then read something non-colonial!
Anonymous
Thank you all! Excited to dive into a few good books.
Betsy
Here’s a slightly different spin on a COVID question. My town has decided not to postpone our town meeting, just move it to a bigger building to allow more distancing. If our elections were any indication, mask use will be poor. But we vote on really important things in our town meeting – basically we determine each year whether we will continue to have basic town services like road maintenance and police, and the vote is typically closer than you would think. I am so frustrated that it wasn’t postponed at least until the first round of vaccines were distributed to the elderly, but this is one of those things where doing my civic responsibility outweighs the importance of staying home, is it not?
Anonymous
I would not go to a indoor space with lots of people and bad mask wearing. Do you live in Stars Hollow? What kind of nonsense is this?
Anon
LOL @ Stars Hollow.
The original Scarlett
That was my exact first thought! Stars Hollow!
Betsy
Honestly, yes, it is basically a Star’s Hollow style town meeting with only slightly less time spent on town gossip. I think Gilmore Girls town politics are actually pretty realistic of many New England small towns!
anon
Same! Tell Taylor he’s being in sane as usual and get the coffee Luke set on the curb for you and go home. I know this isn’t a helpful response–if there’s any option for zoom or remote attendance, I’d do that.
Thanks, it has pockets!
Sounds a bit like my hometown. They didn’t have a mayor, they had a board of selectmen, and a lot of things were decided by votes in town meetings, like school budgets and whether the incoming Wegmans would get a beer and wine permit. The meetings were a bit more Pawnee-esque than Stars Hollow-ish though. And these meetings tend to be in May, so I’m not worried about their timing this year.
Now, would I go something like this during a pandemic though? It honestly depends on whether they’re voting on something I feel strongly about AND I’m worried about whether it’ll pass. This is honestly something I might make the effort to quarantine for, and wear an N95 during, and get tested five days after just in case.
Anon
For me, yes, I would go unless I was (or lived with) a very high risk individual. Take all necessary precautions, but I would go. This isn’t like going on vacation or out to brunch. It needs to be done.
Cat
Yeah, I’d pull out my N95, a face shield, and stand by the door for maximum fresh air and quick entry and exit.
Anon
+1
I also second the question about whether you live in Stars Hollow.
Anonymous
If I were you, I would call and pressure them about requiring masks and distancing and having open windows. Then, and only then, would I even consider going well wearing an N95 mask.
Anon
Does your town broadcast the town meeting? If so, I’d watch the stream in my car and step inside for signifant votes. Limit your time around others.
Colette
Not sure where you are but bizarrely most of NJ is still having in person meetings.
This just really sucks. I’d triple mask and go if you can. Wash your hands and change your clothes immediately after leaving.
Anonymous
“Most” really is not true in NJ, and hardly anywhere in NJ would have direct participation voting at towm meetings like this anyway.
Anonymous
For real. I’m in NJ and all our stuff is being done via zoom and Facebook live. Don’t speak negatively on the whole state.
Anonnn
Agree you should go but this can’t be done via Zoom? City councils have been meeting remotely since March of last year.
Anon
Not OP, but in MA at least, Town Meeting is open to everyone in the town, so I don’t think Zoom could accommodate that many. I grew up in a small town that had a Town Meeting structure. They also still had Town Meeting to vote on a warrant item last fall, headdesk. My elderly mom didn’t go. First one she missed in years. It is gross that municipalities haven’t figured out a better way to do this.
Bonnie Kate
Add me to the list of people who is really curious about this town you live in! I’m in a small town but we don’t vote every year on basic services.
Anyway, my small town board never stopped in person meetings – just moved to masks and bigger room for distancing. This is fairly ridiculous because there are definitely high risk individuals on the board, but there you go. Way too small for TV coverage. I’m positive they would allow people to call in/Zoom in if they wanted – and perhaps they have. But it’s not an advertised thing.
I had to go to one for some reason in the summer, which felt safer because we did not have widespread cases in this area until October. I doubt mask compliance is universal even now.
If it were me (I am not high risk), I’d mask up and go to the meeting.
Anon
Dang. My parents live in a part of NJ that is very much MAGA and is also at the same time very much lots of hippies. And it is very mask compliant. These meetings attract generally no one under 60 and always the local crackpot ranting about how 5G is mind control or flouride is the devil (n.b., nowhere in NJ that I ever lived had flouride in the water and we had to take special vitiamins for it is kids, not the fun ones that tasted like candy (per my cousins who grew up with floride).
You can always go RHONJ and flip over a table and show them who’s boss.
Bonnie Kate
On idea – you could ask the clerk if there was an option to attend the meeting via Zoom. Like I said above, in my small town I think they would do this if requested. If you asked it may highlight the fact that people want to participate but may not feel comfortable being in person. You could volunteer to set up and run the Zoom meeting. I believe there’s a polling function on Zoom, so that could be used for voting.
Anon
Sounds like your town doesn’t have a New England Town Meeting governance structure where the entire town (theoretically) votes on the budget and warrant articles yearly. Do you have a Select Board or a Town Council? This is a super common structure in MA and New England (thus the name).
Anon
Yes, I would go.
Senior Attorney
Nope. I see I’m in the minority, but I would raise holy hell and demand a change up front, but I would not risk my life for the town meeting.
Anonymous Canadian
I agree. I’d rather deal with crappy roads or poor service for a year till the next meeting than be dead (or permanently disabled) from Covid before then.
Anonymous
Yuck. They postponed our March one to May and moved it outside. And then we approved a 5% override ;)
UTI w/out pain
I had a physical recently and mentioned that I have occasionally been seeing clumps of cells in the toilet after urinating. I thought maybe it was just a weird postpartum thing, but my tests came back with bacteria in my urine.
I haven’t had any pain, burning or symptoms of a UTI and I know what to look for because I had a terrible one like 5 years ago.
Has anyone had a symptom-free uti before? Did you need antibiotics?
I’m waiting to hear back from my doctor with more details.
Holly Flax
I have recurrent UTIs (I’ve had about 16 that I know of over the last 2 years). There have been a couple of times I’ve had symptom-free UTIs, though. I went to the urologist last summer for a general check-in appointment (no typical UTI symptoms) and when they just ran my urine as a routine procedure it came back positive for an infection. They did prescribe me antibiotics then so we could clear my system of the infection. The only difference was that they didn’t give me any analgesics at that time since I wasn’t having any symptoms.
Anonymous
Yes, UTIs can cause no symptoms or atypical symptoms like (only) delirium in the elderly and chronically ill. What does your doctor say?
Anon
If you are waiting to hear back from your doctor, why post here and ask for experiences or advice? Why not just wait on the qualified professional who has your test results? I feel like a lot of folks do that here (not just this OP, so I am not trying to be mean).
Anon
Thank you!
anonshmanon
Not the OP, but often enough, doctors don’t take their patient’s concerns seriously (especially women and Especially women of color, this has been shown in studies), so the relationship to one’s doctor may not be so trustful and established that you take their word as gospel. Same trust issues for a brand new doctor that you may just have joined because of a job change. There are lots of reasons to get a gut check.
OP
Thanks for that. This is a new doctor, a strange (to me) diagnosis, and also not a time I’m in a big hurry to rush back into the office for more tests if not needed.
I know most people on this board aren’t medical professionals, but we aren’t psychiatrists either and we are quick to tell people to go to therapy.
It can be reassuring to sample a large number of random well-educated women on their experience with certain health problems if something feels off.
Anon
No one here telling others to get therapy means it literally. It means they disagree with the commenter and are stopping short of telling them their opinion is stupid. The therapy comments are hyperbole and should be treated as such.
Anon for this
Anon at 1:30pm — I assume this is tongue in cheek!
Because no, every time I have recommended therapy I have been pretty honest, and many on this board are quite experienced with therapy (!) and often speak via their experienced with pretty good insight.
And in general, primary care doctors are pretty terrible about recommending therapy/psychiatric care unless you hit them over the head.
And I’m a doctor, who recalls my female, very good primary care doctor minimizing my anxiety symptoms and asking me zero follow-up questions when I knew very well I needed treatment.
Anon
No, Anon for This, I was not being tongue in cheek, but perhaps too broad. I’ve never recommended therapy here and maybe you aren’t doing this (“not ALL commenters”) but many commenters here tell OP “you should seek professional help” just because their opinion is different. I am not talking about the poster below with the husband who is acting out about prior boyfriends, but often the “suggestion” of therapy is used in place of “full stop” in order to close the conversation.
I understand wholeheartedly that folks need to advocate for themselves with doctors and have experienced that myself plenty. I also think a fashion blog is a bad place to get medical advice/anecdotes.
Anon
I get that, but are you going to push back on your doctor and tell them, your training is great and all, but this commenter on a fashion blog thinks I instead have X ailment?
Anonish
Sorry, but as a professional myself (not medical), I get really frustrated when folks get opinions from the internet, their neighbors, etc. Who’s the professional here? Why did you come if you didn’t want my professional advice? You aren’t paying me for validation and if I give it and am wrong, for me that’s malpractice. Rant over.
Anonymous
It definitely helps for patients to be armed and know when to push back on their doctors. Doctors don’t know it all and I would rather be a prepared patient and be able to advocate for myself. Part of understanding an issue is talking to others, which can be done through posting here. As someone else mentioned, male doctors regularly downplay concerns from female patients. I always like to be prepared prior to an appointment with a new male doctor.
Anon
The accountability that exists for you doesn’t exist in medicine. It just doesn’t.
Anon
Yes, I had a symptom-free one when I was pregnant. In my routine urine test they came back and told me I had one and rx’d antibiotics. It was the strangest thing as I have had multiple prior with the telltale symptoms. It is possible and needs to be treated like any other UTI.
Jeffiner
Many times the results of my annual physical will come back positive for a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI with any symptoms. When the test is positive, my doctor prescribes antibiotics.
Anon
Well, clumps of cells in your urine (!) is definitely a symptom.
UTIs?
So actually, most of the responses here are wrong. The OP needs to wait to talk with her doctor. And unfortunately, most primary care doctors will likely overtreat what you may have – asymptomatic bacteriuria = bacteria in the urine with no symptoms.
Classic UTI symptoms are burning/pain with urination, sometimes blood, increased frequency needing to pee. If you are getting nauseated and have pain over your bladder or lower back that is concerning the infection may have spread to your kidneys.
Many people (especially elderly women, and women more than men) may have a urine test come back positive for bacteria or other abnormalities that you sometimes see with infection, and yet feel perfectly fine. Unless you are seeing a urologist who knows other issues that put you at risk (ex you are about to have an invasive urologic test/surgery so your urine needs to be sterile), or pregnant/about to deliver, you do NOT need to treat with antibiotics.
This is why you shouldn’t have random urine tests as part of your yearly physical looking for UTIs if you don’t have symptoms of a UTI.
We use way to many antibiotics in this country, and now we have a big problem with antibiotic resistant UTIs that spread among hospitalized/elderly patients like wildfire, and have now escaped to the community.
What is also unfortunate is that many doctors treat UTIs without doing a culture of the urine to determine which antibiotic to use. This should almost always be done, but primary care doctors almost never do it. You then want to use the simplest most efficient antibiotic to treat your infection.
Many mild true UTIs can also be beat without antibiotics. Drink drink drink. Maybe try some D-mannose, vitamin C and cranberry supplements. But mostly drink drink drink.
OP
Thank you for all of that info. I generally do not like taking antibiotics for the reasons you described unless they are truly necessary and was primarily looking for feedback related to that.
Will still wait to see what my doctor says. She just sent the results through my patient portal and said she would call to follow up.
Holly Flax
+1. When I went to see my urologist for the first time, he was pretty frustrated when he learned that the primary care doctors I had seen were prescribing antibiotics for me before getting the results of my urine culture back. He said that some people he treats cannot even take antibiotics in a pill form anymore and must go to the hospital for IV antibiotics each time they get a UTI, which is what he tries to avoid with his new patients who haven’t gotten to that point yet.
BelleRose
thank you! asymptomatic bacteriuria + not pregnant = no antibiotics!
Anon
I learned far too late in life that I’ve almost never even had a UTI. I was getting flare ups of mild idiopathic cystitis, which is entirely different!
This is probably obvious, but bacteria on a urine sample can also sometimes be simple contamination (if collection wasn’t done just right).
Anonymous
Earthy
Thank you for the response. I deal with this every day. Most people feel disappointed or not heard when we say you don’t need Abx.
If you do not have symptom like dysuria, fever or pain then no need of antibiotic except in pregnant ladies or few other conditions like planning to have an urology procedure etc. If you have no symptoms and urine is infected it is asymptomatic bacteriuria not UTI, no abx required. Hope this helps.
Anon
Slightly off topic, but following up on my post last week about thinking I had a UTI: my PCP didn’t have me come in to see her, but did want me to go to the lab to give a sample. That turned out to be the right call, because I didn’t have a UTI, I have kidney stones (as one of the posters mentioned). Apparently they’re small, since I’m not in the amount of pain (yet? it’s been getting somewhat better though) I associate with kidney stones, but enough to cause UTI-like symptoms. Better not to have unnecessarily prescribed antibiotics and for me to know what’s going on, but if I’d just done telemedicine, I would have missed that diagnosis.
Anon for this
I was the kidney stone poster — so glad you figured it out! For me, I never had the side-splitting pain that you hear about with kidney stones. Thinking back, I had unusual off-cycle cramps one night, but thought I’d just eaten some bad seafood, took Advil and went to bed. Then when the stone is just hanging out in your bladder, it’s typically not painful according to my dr (can cause fake early-stage UTI symptoms like pressure or fullness). Once it gets to the urethra it can get more painful, though if yours are small hopefully they’ll pass quickly.
For me… some days I would feel like nothing was wrong at all, and some days I was squirming in pinchy discomfort all day, I assume based on how the stone was oriented as it made its slooooooow way down. The pain waxed and waned over the course of 2 months since it was a large stone (how it was missed on the ultrasound, I have no idea, but apparently only 20% of people pass them naturally at that size).
Pay attention to the bowl when you pee – you can bring the stone in for analysis so that you know which kind it is. A little gross to fish it out, but worth it to know how to prevent them going forward!
Anon
This is super helpful, thanks! My doctor basically told me nothing of what to expect, just to drink water and call back if it got a lot worse. I think the type of stone doesn’t really matter so much for me because I’m taking a drug that increases the risk of kidney stones and that’s almost certainly the cause. I talked to the doctor who prescribed that drug and I’m going to try to taper off it and hopefully I won’t have to worry about it in the future.
anon for this
Yesterday’s discussion about being able to ignore things that bother you hit a nerve. I realized that DH suffers from this — not just about work, but in everything. He’s constantly in a bad mood because of every little thing — the faucet is dripping, his boss gave him a sudden but not unreasonable deadline, his favorite shirt (15 years old!) developed a hole at the neck, etc etc etc. These are just examples — there is always something. I feel like I do a pretty good job of being able to roll with the punches but in the last few years, he just doesn’t as well. Is this depression? Any suggestions for ways to help foster the resilience he used to have? When it gets particularly bad, I ask him to tell me three things he is grateful for, which sometimes helps for a short bit. Therapy is not an option (he comes from a family where it is just Not Done and there is no changing his mind on that).
Anon
I am like this when I am depressed — I just cannot handle any little setback. When I’m feeling better, either on my own or with medication, this kind of thing barely even registers for me. YMMV.
Monday
For me, yes it usually is depression. Everything that I do to combat depression, combats this tendency. Aside from therapy, it’s the usual stuff: sleep, exercise, decent food, medication, doing whatever I notice helps.
AnonATL
This was how my husband presents with his anxiety and depression as well.
He is also a “no therapy” person because of poor past experience. We finally had a heart to heart where I told him that he was really starting to pull me down and if he didn’t want to go to therapy, he at least needed to talk to his pcp about some medication.
Eventually he did go to his doctor and has worked through a couple different medicines and doses, but he’s finally on a good combo and what a difference! All that silly stuff rolls off him now. He still has tough days occasionally, but it’s not two straight weeks of feeling down.
I hope you can convince him to seek out some form of help. It can be very hard dealing with a loved one with depression when they are resistant to treatment.
Ribena
Chiming in to add that this is a sign I’m mentally struggling. I chipped one of my Starbucks city mugs (for the city I live in! not even a souvenir) late last year and had a complete crying jag over it. When you’re already loaded up with tension, the last straw can be very tiny indeed.
Anon
For me this would be sleep deprivation. Is there any other reason to think he may need a sleep study?
anonnnn
Relationship/therapy Q. My spouse periodically (2x/year?) gets really upset over (1) that I dated other people before we met and (2) that I took until after we had the exclusivity talk, about 3 dates in, to commit to being exclusive. Note: it may be useful for this discussion that we have been together for 20 YEARS and married for most of that time. When spouse gets upset, it usually means a couple hours of being upset/crying on both our parts until there is some catharsis, usually from repeated assurance of commitment on my part. Spouse has always said that they don’t want therapy for this – I usually only suggest it in the moment/after spouse calms down. Should I continue to suggest therapy but not insist on it, or does it rise to the level of annoyance that I should keep pushing on the therapy suggestion?
Anon
My first thought was that he’s projecting and feeling guilty for cheating.
Anonymous
Same.
Monday
Yeah, this is so outrageous that unless he has untreated delusions or something, it must be about him. The fact that you have to cry and reassure him is very troubling.
Anon
Thirded.
Anon
+1
Anon
Another +1
Friday
+however many. He’s cheating on you. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Anon
I would 100% insist on therapy but I also wouldn’t be sure I wanted to stay in that marriage. I’m not a fan of “DTMFA” most of the time but I don’t think I could live with a) someone who disapproved of me dating before him and b) someone who has a full mental breakdown on the subject twice a year and refuses to seek help. I don’t know if you are religious but that would not change anything for me either.
Anonymous
Oh my goodness no no no. Next time this arises “John get a grip we’ve been married 20 years I am never ever discussing this with you again. I don’t feel bad I dated other people, I am not sorry, and I am not engaging with you on this anymore.” You: don’t get upset. You: don’t cry. You: don’t apologize. You: don’t reassure. Instead, you leave the room. You read a book. You walk out of the house and go get your nails done.
Flats Only
Yeah – this. I’ve been married more than 20 years, and cannot imagine that would be the case if I had to go through something like this twice a year. Sheesh.
Anon
I kind of agree with this. This is bonkers. 20 years together? There’s something deep down that spouse needs to address, but if spouse is unwilling, I’d take this approach.
Anon
This. The topic is closed. Period.
Anonymous
Yeah, do this, especially “don’t apologize and reassure.” Let him or her handle the emotions.
No Face
Agreed.
Anon.
This.
I’ve been married 13 years and we’ve been together for 20 (met when I was 19). I dated before, he dated before. Heck, we lived long distance for a while and there was a even situation where I had met someone else and it could have developed into cheating, but luckily I got a grip… My husband knows about this, and he is not throwing a tantrum twice a year!
Agree that there is probably a trust and maybe cheating issue.
Liz
Huh. Have you tried talking to him about this pattern outside of when it comes up? Like, months before/after. I’d probably want to have a discussion with my spouse to figure out 1) what’s causing these upsets 2) let him know about how it’s impacting me/our relationship and 3) figure out a better way to handle them. In my mind a better way to handle them is one where you don’t get roped into this fictional drama, outside of maybe reassuring him one that you love and are committed to him and then physically leaving him alone. I don’t think your goal can be “he doesn’t feel this way” (you can’t control his feelings, that’s up to him) but it can be “we don’t repeat these patterns, I don’t feel X way etc.”.
If you guys are both willing to engage and work through then you might not need the therapist or you might get stuck and find a therapist helpful. If he’s not willing to engage and work on this, then I think that would be a very big deal for me.
Anonymous
Have you tried talking about this when you’re not in the middle of it? I’d want to do a download a few days to a week after the fact. That’s a good opportunity to talk about therapy again too. You should be clear about your concerns and what you want moving forward.
As an aside/commiseration, my BF doesn’t know I hooked up with someone else after he and I hooked up for the first time but before any exclusivity talk. When I initiated the exclusivity talk I found out he had always considered us to be exclusive; I told him I didn’t, I had been dating other people, and I would call it off with everyone else immediately. I didn’t specifically say I had LGPed with someone else and he didn’t ask. I see it as a don’t ask don’t tell thing; it’s really none of his business and it would only hurt him. I’m definitely taking it to my grave.
Anon
This is objectively weird. Did he date other people?
Anon
Right? Are you from a different cultural background or a very US conservative religious one where this would be an issue?
My DH can be a bit like this (OTOH, he was married before we met and had a kid, so who is really more road-tested, hmmm?) and I usually give him an eye roll. Like you are lucky to have me, warts and all.
Lilau
I love your attitude and I’m cracking up at “road-tested.”
Anonymous
Agree. He’s either cheating or you’re a saint for tolerating this psycho behavior.
I’d just walk out of the room or house if necessary. Be very clear that this is a him thing that he needs to fix.
Anon
+1. I don’t know how you’re not a widow, OP. I would be.
anonshmanon
Agree, this is odd. Is he really controlling and possessive of you in other ways?
anonshmanon
Kat, I land in moderation rather often in the last month. Has anything changed?
Anonymous
I’ve been with my DH ten years and if he ever tried to discuss prior relationships I would not engage. I can not imagine that nonsense at 20 years. He’s acting like you’ve only been together a few months.
Anonymous
This isn’t normal if it’s only been a few months, either! Red flags galore, no matter when.
Bonnie Kate
This is really weird, especially after 20 years! I’d honestly be angry with my spouse if they brought it up at all like this, but 2x/year??- like wtf? I would insist on therapy, period. And not engage these conversations at all. It’s feels almost controlling what he’s doing. You should not have to constantly reassure him of your commitment to calm a hours long temper tantrum because you were a person before you met him.
Anon
Wow…just…wow. Twenty years of marriage and he is upset you, like him and everyone in the world, had a life and dated others before meeting him? This insecurity is not normal. It seems more like gaslighting to make you feel bad over something that is not a thing, particularly given you both end up crying? I don’t think it is an annoyance, but rather a huge red flag. I’d get counseling myself whether or not he chooses to attend.
AnonMom
My spouse went through something similar every time he got majorly stressed (exams during his master’s program), until I finally called him out and stopped participating. Told him I was fed up with him accusing me of having an affair at the end of each semester and he could either with it or leave, but I was done tearfully trying to console him over such nonexistent crap every few months, and found it insulting and offensive that he kept bringing it up. It stopped.
Anon
Not the same, but I was in a relationship with someone I loved very deeply and we had these highly emotional, all consuming fights/discussions/emotional outbursts once or more a month because I dated someone before him and sometimes he saw one specific person I dated in person. It was exhausting. Everytime I tried to end thing, he threatened suicide and engaged in risky behavior. When I finally ended, he finally got help and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. His way of dealing with those feelings was to blow up at me about anything he could, which was largely that I dated others before him. And yes, he dated others before me and I didn’t give a whoot about that. I think therapy (either him alone or marriage counseling) may help uncover whatever is causing his behavior. Life is too short to deal with this.
Anon
I’ve been with my spouse for 20 years and this behavior is absolutely bananas. I can’t agree more with the suggestions that you simply don’t engage.
Out of pure curiosity, just to get a better picture of what’s going on, are you still friends with your exes and/or run into exes semi frequently, and that’s part of what spurs this? Not saying that makes this normal or okay, I am 100% team friends with some of my exes, but just trying to understand better where this might come from? The idea of my husband bringing up an ex I have had nothing to do with for over 20 years is…I can’t even imagine. But if it’s someone that is still consistently in your life & the insecurity that comes from that I could at least maybe sort of picture the scenario (still not okay! still do not engage! but not as out of left field as otherwise).
Anonymous
I am sorry you are going through this. However, I can totally relate to your situation. My spouse is the same way although he seems to find random people from our community or my workplace to accuse me of cheating with. The past does come up sometimes as well. This has been going on throughout our 20 plus year marriage and seems to be getting worse lately. I agree, it must be about his insecurity, but figuring out what to do is the hardest part. He also refuses therapy and won’t let me go either. Not sure I have any advice, but sympathies for what you are going through.
Senior Attorney
Won’t let you go to therapy?
No. No, no no.
Seriously this is just wrong and when you sneak off to therapy you will figure that out along with a lot of other things you need to figure out. Please find a way to do that.
Anon
You should read about power and control in domestic violence and see if more of it sounds like what you are experience. I work with DV victims and almost all that I can think of report what you are saying there, though of course without knowing more I can’t say anything about your relationship. But this is a huge, huge bright-red flag.
Another anonymous judge
Girl, just no. Please at least speak to someone you trust who loves you, and consider whether or not it is safe for you to remain in this relationship. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
Anonymous
Get professional help alone to leave your toxic controlling relationship.
Anon
This is 100% not normal. In addition to be controlling to the point of abusive, your spouse is probably cheating on you.
Anon
He won’t LET you? Excuse me what year is this?
No Face
I had an ex like this. It was an abusive relationship.
Anon
Not letting you go to therapy is a big red flag for controlling behavior. My ex-husband didn’t like or want me going to therapy either. I went and worked on myself. We are now divorced.
Senior Attorney
This seems completely insane and not a price of admission I would be willing to pay for a relationship.
I completely agree with those saying “don’t engage” when it happens. Good lord. Just say “I am not doing this again” and leave the house. Don’t dignify it with a response for pity sake. And yes, therapy but for him — this is his issue.
And that is assuming that you have stayed married to him for 20 years because he is in all other respects a fabulous husband, which honestly seems vanishingly unlikely given this kind of recurring behaviour.
Anon
While I agree this is nuts, I know a few women who cannot stand to hear a single thing about their spouse’s past. It is like they didn’t exist until they met them. They will storm out of a room furious if someone mentions a thing they did in the past with the guy and his ex. It is so freaking bizarre. I am not friends with them but my husband is friends with a few of their husbands. I thought this was crazy wife trope until I saw it in person.
Hanging out I said something like “how fun was that concert we went to a few years ago.” I didn’t even mention ex. Wife knew that if we went to a concert a few years ago together it was with ex and she stormed out of the room pissed off at me for bringing “her” up. So weird.
Lobbyist
My ex husband used to accuse me of cheating on him, which I never did. He didn’t like that I talked to male co workers, or bike rode with a neighbor bike group of men. It turned out that HE was having multiple affairs. I didn’t even find out until after we were in the process of divorcing (because I got sick of making all the money and doing all the family work and him being an addict). I don’t think there is any way we can know what is going on in your husband’s mind but I agree at least therapy for you if he will not go. Good luck.
Anon
I’m in house, and a year into dating my now husband I discovered that his ex fiancee was my client! Honestly, I was kinda impressed. She’s nice, smart, funny and a good colleague. I never told her obviously, but it makes sense. Nice people date nice people (generally). I can’t understand this type of jealousy.
anon
I guess my question would be whether this is really just an “annoyance.” It sounds pretty hard/upsetting for you (given that you’re both crying). That sounds serious, even if it’s only a few times a year. What your spouse is doing is not normal and smacks of emotional manipulation to me, which could be driven by your spouse’s own insecurity, infidelity, fear of abandonment, or a host of other issues. But it’s worth addressing, absolutely.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, don’t let “it’s only twice a year” be dispositive. If he beat you to a pulp twice a year and was nice the rest of the time, would that be okay? Well, this is the emotional equivalent of that. I always say a relationship stands or falls not on its best parts (pretty much every relationship has good parts) but on its worst parts. And OP’s “worst part” seems pretty bad!
Anon
“I’m not doing this. We’ve been over this many times. Get therapy for your issue if you need to discuss it, but I’m not your therapist.”
Senior Attorney
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Anon
ugh no. DH and I are both from a conservative religious culture that frowns on dating much prior to marriage. But other than early in our relationship where we were just doing the getting-to-know-you questions about our respective histories, our dating other people + exclusivity has never come up in the 15 years we’ve been together.
Except that when we were naming our children, we both had positive associations with the names of certain exes and as it turns out all our children have names of exes :-) They were “ex” because we didn’t want to marry them, not because we didn’t like them or their names, ha.
Anonymous
How does the topic come up? Is he just dredging up the past randomly, or does it happen when you mention your prior relationships? My husband had a couple of very serious relationships before we met. It bothers me when he mentions those women, even though it’s totally irrational because we didn’t even live on the same coast at the time and he was over them long before we met. Partly out of kindness and partly because it was a very long time ago and life has moved on since then, he generally avoids mentioning them.
Anonymous
Tell me your stories about getting jewelry (gemstones/diamonds) reset! I inherited some jewelry years ago and could use something to daydream about and plan. A friend had her great-aunt’s ruby and sapphire ring set on a melted piece of gold for a pendant, and another friend had her engagement diamond turned into a stud earring post divorce. Looking for creative ideas and/or advice!
Panda Bear
I just had this done last month! My now – husband’s first gift to me was a sapphire pendant, from ages and ages ago. As a pendant, it wasn’t my taste, and not worth any real money, but I loved it sentimentally. I finally had it reset into a ring that I can wear as an alternative to my engagement ring. A local jeweler did it for me – the same place I bought my wedding/engagement rings. It ended up being about $1,000 for the materials and labor, so not a huge cost and I enjoy it so much now.
Katie
My engagement ring is made of family stones that we had reset. I inherited a gaudy cocktail ring from my grandmother in a style I’d never wear, but the stones were objectively nice. I went to a local jeweler and we designed something new, and came out with a totally original engagement ring for a fraction of the cost of buying a new one. I also worked with the same jeweler to use leftover baguettes to make two little cross pendants for my goddaughters. They did beautiful work, and I love that the pieces are both heirloom-and-not. (And, to be clear, my grandmother who owned the original ring is still alive, and she’s THRILLED that the stones are being used and enjoyed, and not at all bothered that we restyled her ring.) Highly recommend working with a local independent jeweler/artisan to design something new!
Lilau
My dad “bought”my mom a large emerald in an ornate yellow gold setting that hung like a pendant off of a yellow gold chain. It looked like something you’d wear to be campy cleopatra on Halloween. My cousin’s very stylish wife suggested it could be ring and now it’s this fabulous ring in white gold with channel set diamonds on either side and the gorgeous emerald solitaire in the middle.
*i say “bought” because I’m 99% sure the jeweler owed him back rent and convinced him to take the necklace in satisfaction of that.
Cat
I had a collection of small semi-precious studs that I’d been given as gifts over the years by family members (think in the $50-$100 range per pair) throughout my tween-teen years. I never wore them as an adult because they didn’t look substantial enough in my ears anymore. I had them grouped into studs since the colors looked nice together (blues, purples, and greens) and now enjoy them!
Senior Attorney
I had the stone from my previous engagement ring set into a bezel pendant and it was great. (Somehow I lost it a while back but whatever — it was a moissanite so not as big a loss as it might have been.)
Anon
I had a bunch of 14k this and that melted down into a solid 14k bangle. A lot of big early 90s bold gold earrings, a few gold chain bracelets I was never going to wear, stuff like that. I’ve worn the heck out of the bangle in the 10 years since I had it done.
Anonymous
I had a orphan stud earring with a pretty tanzanite reset as the accent on a modern pendant, and wear it frequently.
Anonymous
I love the Art Deco look and have reset stones based on googling images that I liked and taking them to my Jeweller to replicate.
franklina
shout out to anyone else who’s sleepy and under-motivated this morning! it’s grey and cold and rainy today and the caffeine I’ve had is not working yet.
on the other hand, I did a little bit of yoga this morning and it felt good.
Panda Bear
That’s me today. I just don’t. want. to.
Anon
It is sleeting here and all I want is a book, a cup of tea, and a cat on my lap.
Anon
I just had a cat on my lap and kicked him off. I am now covered in his white belly hair and have a new set of holes in my thigh skin from his biscuit making. Having a cat in your lap always seems nicer than it actually is!
I have two brother cats. The one I just mentioned will go into laps. The other one has never been interested. He will sit near me so I can reach over and pet him, but if anyone tries to pull him into their lap, he leaps off and leaves the room, very offended. I think I prefer his style.
AnonATL
We had tornado warnings and storm sirens going off at 2am, and then the dogs were ticked off the rest of the night.
It’s been a fun day.
Anonymous
A close friend just lost her mom – they found cancer two months ago and it took her very fast. I’m in shock (and I think their family is, too). I can’t imagine. They live a few hours away, and I’m sure a funeral service is – unlikely, although maybe Zoom, for a long time. Should I wait until the obit is ready before sending a gift or donation? Normally I’d be arranging for food delivery, a plant, being at a service – plus donations to whatever they ask – I’m not as sure with this.
Anonymous
No reason why you can’t do food delivery and a condolence card now and a donation later when you know where. My family really appreciated a deli tray of mixed sandwiches and the baked ziti that arrived with no note from an unmarked white van.
Anon
+1
Send food/flowers now and a donation and a card once the obit is out
Katie
Don’t wait. Their pain isn’t waiting. Food is always appreciated, and you can follow up with flowers/donation once those arrangements are made.
Anon
But also follow up with your friend in a few weeks, and continually after that. The flowers and cards stop relatively quickly, but the grief goes on for a long time.
Senior Attorney
Food delivery for the win.
Anon
Can I gently suggest that you not send tons of food immediately right now? When my mother died, we had two fridges of food and were giving it away to anyone that could take some–it was an intense hassle to play jenga in the fridge with the quantity of food we had, especially since we couldn’t eat we were so grief-stricken. Everyone handles things different ways, but please see if someone is coordinating or send a gentle text message. While you don’t want to put any more labor on your friend to say, “yes, please deliver tuesday–that night is not yet taken”, you also don’t want to create a tsunami of “other” at a time that someone has so much happening that they can barely process it. We were deeply grateful for the thought–but altogether–it was way too much.
Carrie
Thanks for bringing this up. It wouldn’t have occurred to me.
I think your problem is less typical. We got no food, actually, with the deaths in our family and I would have loved some.
We have had great success with dropping off the Costco chicken pot pie. You can order it online and have it delivered via their Costco/same day delivery/instacart alliance.
Agree that a card and food now is lovely, and a donation is much better than flowers. My friends have been extremely touched when I took the time to attend the Zoom funerals. And for my friends with kids, I sent a small gift for the grandkids who lost their grandparent. Educational toy to help distract the kids. Parents also really appreciated that.
Sloan Sabbith
after my dad had his stroke someone sent us a 20 pound ham. The thought is nice. The reality is that we had to completely reorganize the freezer to get it to fit and now we don’t know what to do with it.
Hollis
If it’s on the bone, you can get more freezer space by eating some of it and refreezing smaller portions in little ziplock baggies. If it were me, I would do ham slices plus cranberry sauce for dinner one day, ham and cheese sandwiches on slider rolls the next day, and then chop up the rest of it and store it in the freezer for use in omelets, fried rice, split pea soup (or any other soup), and breakfast casseroles.
Is it Friday yet?
+1 to this. Especially right now, when hopefully they are not having extended family gather as you would in non-COVID times – we had sooo much extra food even with all the extra people to eat it. Maybe instead do a gift card to Seamless or a restaurant in their area that delivers, so they can order whenever they feel like they need it? Also, I personally preferred the living plants over flowers – I still have a couple of them three years later.
Anon
In lieu of food, I generally send a giftcard (or put a credit on books) for a local restaurant or high end grocery with prepared food/platter that offers delivery.
Anon
My Mother just died 2 weeks ago. Donations are what I appreciated the most. Food was nothing but a hassle and stress.
Anon
I’m sorry for your loss.
Anon
Food. We just went through this – diagnosis to death was about 4 months. Food. All the food, and not just bakery items but things made with real ingredients were among the most appreciated (or gift cert to a place that can provide that). Our favorite was a platter of sandwiches from a local restaurant/caterer. They sat in the fridge and we grazed for days. It was perfect.
Anon
I’ve come to the uncomfortable realization that my self-confidence has been on a steady decline over time, instead of the inverse that I hear more commonly talked about. I’m in my mid-thirties. I notice this more in my professional life. Maybe earlier in my career I was too green to even know what I didn’t know, or not worn down by real-world interpersonal dynamics, and that resulted in confidence. But now I have more knowledge and skills than ever, both of which are well-regarded, and yet I find myself always second-guessing. After meetings, I always ruminate over questions like “Could I have worded that better?” “Was my tone correct?” “Am I too much with my attention to detail?” I have never had negative feedback related to the questions I’m asking myself, but I feel more and more self-punishing all the time about any perceived misstep. Partially I think this is because I’m about a decade into my career as a woman in a male-dominated profession, and I have always felt that if I cannot choose the perfect words and say them at the perfect time in the correct tone then I will be ignored, and that I just have to work so much harder to earn legitimacy amongst my peers. This self-doubt is starting to move into other areas of my life. I just had a phone call with my doctor and later thought “hm should I not have told him that?” “Should I have explained that differently?” HELP! How do I get out of this? Can anyone relate?
Anonymous
That sounds like anxiety more than a lack of self-confidence. Have you talked to a therapist or tried CBT?
Anon
Project your inner mediocre white dude saying how you hit it out of the park and should get a medal and a bonus. Every dang time.
Anon
I pretend to be this theoretical guy constantly. I find that shooting for what I see as arrogance actually lands me in a competent, confident, middle ground.
Anon
Ugh — counsin’s spouse just lost both parents to COVID (they were long-divorced, so separate households, caught independently). I am just wrecked for her. Cousin and spouse are a bit younger than I am (so her parents were closer to my age than they are — eek). You can bet that until this is over I bet she is stabby at everyone on FB posting so vigorously about how they are living their best life right now.
My best life is to be alive and healthy and not do anything dumb until this is over.
Anonymous
That’s just awful. I’m so sorry for your cousin and spouse.
Anon
What is your favorite feminist book (non-fiction)? I’ve read a few things over the years and would like to read some more in this area.
Anon
Anything by Andrea Dworkin. Her words are as relevant today as when they were written. The other notable second-wave feminists are excellent too.
Anonymous
How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran
Panda Bear
I really liked Natalie Angier’s Woman: An Intimate Geography. Its about the biology of women’s bodies, from a feminist perspective, and its a fun and interesting read even if you are not terribly interested or well versed in biology or medicine.
Cb
I really liked Hood Feminism, which was focused on the exclusion of Black voices from mainstream feminism. The intersectional lens was really helpful to me. We Should All be Feminist was also very good (and short). Invisible Women is maddening and eye opening.
Ribena
Co-sign on Invisible Women.
Perhaps not a traditionally ‘feminist’ text but I found All The Single Ladies by Rebecca Traister to be very empowering.
Anon
The Story of Jane is a fascinating book about the Jane Collective – underground providers of safe abortions in pre-Roe Chicago.
anne-on
Are you looking for theory? Or more lighthearted stuff? I did my minor in women’s studies so I can find things like Trick Mirror frustrating because it’s an updated pop-culture take on so many books/articles that have been made by serious scholars for over 20 years now. If you’re looking for foundational starter reading, Bell Hooks is pretty amazingly and very accessible. Women, Race, and Class is great, as is White Tears, Brown Scars. I’ll always recommend Audre Lorde (Sister Outsider is fantastic) and Nickel and Dimed was truly revolutionary. For essays that are a bit less academic, I’d say the B*tch in the House, Thick and other essays, and Manifesta are good too.
Cb
Ugh, I’m neutral on Trick Mirror but really enjoyed the Pandora Sykes essays ‘How Do We know we’re doing it right’ which captured similar themes.
OP
I’m looking for anything/everything. I feel like over a period of the next 3-5 years I want to have read most (though realistically not all) of the books mentioned here (I’ve already read quite a few, and many others!) but it’s hard to know what to pick among so many choices. I’m tempted to approach that area of the bookstore alphabetically, ala Francie Nolan, but in this age of not going to physical bookstores, I figured I would ask here for suggestions and start there instead.
Commenting here because I wanted to say I had mixed feelings on Trick Mirror — I enjoyed some essays but not others, and I lent my copy to a guy I was dating at the time and never got it back and am not particularly upset about it — but my issues with it were mostly generational (about the same age as Jia).
Senior Attorney
+1 to Nickled and Dimed. Also Maid by Stephanie Land, which covers similar territory by someone who was not there by choice.
Anonymous
+1 to both of those.
Also Hard Work by Polly Toynbee (nickled-style from the UK) and the one about working pensioner nomads in the US.
Monday
Pro by Katha Pollitt was really enlightening even as someone who thought I was well-versed on abortion.
The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf is probably dated, but really still rings true as far as it goes.
I just read What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat by Aubrey Gordon. The central topic is fat justice, but so many of the issues involved are feminist issues. Likewise The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor.
anne-on
+1 to the Body is not an Apology, SO powerful.
Anon
I’ll third the rec for Invisible Women. I also recently liked All We Can Save: Truth, Courage, and Solutions for the Climate Crisis, which is a collection of short essays and poetry by women, and The Lady’s Handbook for Her Mysterious Illness, which I didn’t 100% agree with but does a great job of discussing the issues women can have dealing with the medical system when they have complicated health problems.
.
Anonymous
The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir and Right Wing Women by Andrea Dworkin. I also have Caliban and the Witch on my reading list.
anonshmanon
I read Inferior by Angela Saini a little while ago. It goes through the ‘scientific facts’ that were and sometimes still are used to justify giving women fewer opportunities for centuries and debunks them. For example: Women have smaller brains then men and now we’re somehow concluding they must be less capable intellectually? Not quite. The results were not normalized for size. Turns out, shorter humans have smaller brains than taller humans, regardless of gender.
Anon
All the Single Ladies
Mal
I loved this too!
Mal
A difficult read, but Roxanne Gay’s Hunger was incredible. Also, feminist-adjacent, What We Don’t Talk About when We Talk About Fat, by Aubrey Gordon.
Anonymous
Living Dolls: the return of sexism
By Natasha Walter
anon a mouse
Good and Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women’s Anger by Rebecca Traister. I think about it all the time.
AFT
Came here to recommend this. I read it when it first came out and I wonder if I should read it now that we’re post-Trump and I may get something more out of it.
DC Runner
Agreed. This was great. I saw her on her book tour for it (sob) and the conversation was so amazing.
Fixitupchappie
This is a little more in the women’s history category than a feminist book, but I loved Gail Collins “400 years of dolls, drudges, helpmates, and heroines.”. I liked the overview and it reads like a fiction book (even though it’s non-fiction.)
Anon
Has anyone done diy keratin treatments? It feels like a terrible idea (I’ve never dyed my hair at home (or ever), but it feels like a lot of chemicals for a diy), but I’m very intrigued (have a weird natural wave pattern that I’ve always disliked), but salon keratin treatment is not in my budget (or my Covid safety plan)
If you have tried it – how did it turn out and what product did you use? How long did it last? Would it be impossible to do it myself?
Nesprin
Ack. Salon keratin treatments involve formaldehyde and other aggressively nasty chemicals- I would want not do this in my poorly ventilated bathroom without reading the materials safety data sheet carefully.
Anonymous
+1. I won’t be surprised if the salon treatments are banned within a year or two. They were on the verge of getting banned, but I think some kind of bureaucratic issue popped up. The treatments are incredibly dangerous over time to the salon workers.
Airplane.
Do not do it yourself – they don’t even sell keratin treatments (real ones) to non-salon professionals. Save up and get it done professionally, there is a reason there are pros for certain things this is one of them. You can chemically burn your scalp and damage your hair and skin around your face. It lasts 6+ months for me so I used to do it 3x a year and now I do it 2x (in pandemic it’s been a year but still OK). I feel like the best benefit of keratin is that my hair drys SO FAST but no one talks about that benefit. But of course, it smooths you hair so there’s no frizz but it still holds curl and is not stick straight.
Anon
Thanks. I will just skip the treatment altogether and straighten my hair. I could afford a salon treatment, but can’t stomach paying that much for it so will rely on my straightener
Anon
Second this. Don’t DIY it
Anon
In case I wasn’t already sure my company was a hot mess, the health & safety department is trying to interject themselves into my department’s remote work schedule. They’re saying they need someone from our group on-site at all times in case there’s a fire drill, so someone can report in that the team is safe.
So apparently we should all get Covid so we don’t burn to death.
Monday
Oh my god.
Can’t there just be a standing note that nobody from your department is working on-site, so you are automatically not affected?
Anon
It just drives me CRAZY when the support departments (namely IT) try to make us conform to their bizarre processes rather than the other way around.
Anony
This is odd (part facilities manager/office manager/support staff here). My office is not staffed except for one person, who wants to be there. If the fire alarm goes off, there is a fire department lock-box outside and they have a key to it. In the box is a laminated list of operations people – my supervisor, me, closest employee to the office. If we ever got a call, we’d launch the phone tree where each supervisor/lead calls the people that report to them, then each lead reports back to the Ops Manager or Site Director. There are easier ways than what your H&S Dept wants.
Anon
Our outside counsel tried to tell us that rather than only having one person in our office at a time due to COVID concerns, we needed to also have our designated COVID coordinator staff member present any time another person was there to ensure the other person was following COVID rules regarding masks and social distancing (from themselves?). Because apparently two people in a tiny open concept area with bad ventilation is somehow safer than one.
Instead of just using common sense and calling this ridiculousness out, our CEO appointed the entire office to be COVID coordinators so we can appease our absurd outside counsel while still only having one person in the office.
Anon
So, there needs to be somebody there to say that nobody’s there. Bonkers.
anon
Has anyone noticed that after being in a pandemic this long, you’re feeling a bit … purposeless? I feel like I’m in a never-ending loop of household chores and everything home-related has lost its luster. The kids are bored. I am bored. I never thought it would be possible to be bored, as I’m an introvert who generally thrives with less activity. But this is too much, even for someone who generally enjoys quiet-people hobbies. And my kids really miss doing normal kid things with friends and are at each other’s throats daily. I can only reorganize so many drawers before I start feeling a bit nuts and overly anal-retentive. I have baked enough cookies to last a lifetime. DH has managed to find projects to keep his mind busy, and I’m really struggling to find anything that feels like mine or like I’m moving forward in spite of the circumstances.
I am working from home. I’m 50/50 on whether I like this arrangement — it depends on the day — and I feel like I’ve done everything I can to make it better. It’s like Groundhog Day every day, and I’m really struggling to feel like what I do matters, on any front. I realize this is a super privileged rant and I feel guilty every day for not appreciating my good fortune more. We have a lovely home. We are healthy. We can do our jobs from home. And yet, I find myself being really, really unhappy these days.
Anonymous
What are your hobbies and interests? You mention cleaning drawers and baking cookies, but what else are you doing with your time? I find that I need to focus on hobbies rather than chores to get through this happily and healthily and it helps if it’s a hobby that takes skill or that requires commitment, like playing an instrument or knitting something. I also find that I need to do things that engage different parts of my personality – sometimes I need to do something more intellectual like reading a non-fiction book, other times I need to do something physical like fixing my bike, other times I need to do something nostalgic like play a childhood favorite board game. Also, how are you doing on the exercise and getting outside front?
anon
I’m still exercising regularly and getting outside when I can. This has been a problem for awhile, but most of my hobbies (other than reading and baking) require warmer weather — think gardening WITH PLANTS and kayaking on the lake. I was doing much better in spring/summer.
Gail the Goldfish
48 days until the time changes, 54 days until Spring. This is how I’m getting through-just counting the days until outside activities are pleasant again.
Anonymous
Everyone always says that, but I LOVE winter and have found that flipping the script on winter over the years has made a big difference in enjoyment. Instead of being “stuck inside,” I get to bundle up and enjoy a beautiful, uncrowded landscape or a ski day and then come back in and be warm again. It’s heavenly.
Anon
I can appreciate that you want to be positive about winter, Anonymous at 12:44, but I badly hurt myself falling on ice two years ago, and my wrist is never going to be the same. It’s a hazardous season. I’m staying inside, however depressing that may be.
anon
That’s cool, 12:44, but if you don’t live in a pleasant winter area with lots of outdoor activity offerings … it isn’t great.
Anonymous
That sounds like a way to really limit yourself in life. I know plenty of people who have slipped on the ice (myself included) and before staying indoors for months, I’d be trying Yaktrax, new shoes, salting my steps, and whatever else will make getting outside safe.
Curious
I was so puzzled for a second on the WITH PLANTS and then I got it. Thanks for the lol.
Ribena
Me too. More often than before I’m having to remind myself that it’s okay if today isn’t a good day and that better days will come.
anonshmanon
When I feel like this, I need to purposely introduce some variety. It’s the same old, same old that gets to me. I’ve either gone and done a hiking trip, or set up a virtual game night with friends or mastered a new recipe, planned a virtual trip to Paris or a virtual wine tasting or what not.
Anon
I’ve started doing yoga every day and started the couch to 5k program at the same time. Making measurable progress (streak of yoga days + day/week of the program) has helped reduce the groundhog day feeling.
Seafinch
Same. I hate this and we are coping with the benefit of many advantages. I am doing an intense new work-out program, also doing 75 Hard, so two work-outs a day, one which is outside so I am walking or running every day and usually going by my church to pray at the outdoor shrine. Applying a strict fertility eating regime and busy planning that. Setting goal for pelvic floor rehab exercise. Going to start some painful but gratifying DIY projects soon.
Anon
I think many, many people are hitting a pandemic wall right now.
anon
Yes, I feel like this every day.
Anon
I saw a meme that said something like “did you ever notice when you clean the kitchen you still have to clean the kitchen?”
I feel like I spend my life cleaning. As I type this I’m noticing dust on the coffee table which I dusted Sunday. It’s never ending.
Anon
I’m actually seeing a lot more dust with being home all the time, so I assume it’s dead skin and the like. More frequent vacuuming and air filter changes isn’t really helping.
Turning Down a Speaking Opportunity
I am a small firm attorney focusing on estate planning, probate and guardianship. In 2017, when I had far fewer clients, I did a live seminar for a company who told my referral source (an outside vendor who provides retirement plan management services) that they had lots of employees who were interested in learning about estate planning. I spent 2.5 hours there, and gave two back-to-back presentations. There were about 30 employees in attendance at the first presentation and 10 at the second, many of whom were blue-collar workers who seemed pretty disinterested during the presentation. A grand total of 1 person called me afterward and signed up as a client. Basically, it was the biggest flop I’ve ever experienced as a presenter. Now, 4 years later, someone from the same company (different person who I don’t believe worked for the co. in 2017) has emailed me, asking me to present again. I’ve no earthly idea why, and I don’t want to waste my time again, even if it’s a 1-hour virtual seminar, because I’m completely buried at work right now. What is a nice way to turn this person down? I don’t want to make enemies but I really don’t want to do this.
Senior Attorney
“Oh, gosh! Thank you so much for thinking of me but I’m just slammed at work right now and am not able to do it justice.”
Or if it’s on a date certain, “So sorry but I have a conflict then!”
Anon
I would avoid the date certain conflict response, even if it seems like there is a specific date involved. Always sucks when they then come back “oh, we can do another date!” and now you are kind of caught in a tough place. SA’s 1st suggestion is perfect.
Anonymous
“Thank you for the offer. Due to scheduling issues, I’m unable to fit in a presentation. That said, you’re more than welcome to provide my name to anyone at your company interested in these services. (and add if you do something like this anyway – If they mention they work for Company, I’ll set up a free introductory call to see if we’re a good fit).”
Anonymous
Just say no if you don’t want to do it, but I think your expectations for business development from one of these things are unrealistic. Many people will attend a presentation like this years before they will actually be ready to shell out the $$$. You also need to dial back on the obvious contempt for “blue-collar” workers and maybe tailor your presentation and the services you offer to the audience. If you only want wealthy clients that’s fine, but blue-collar workers need estate planning services too and might be willing to pay a reasonable fee for a pared-down package that suits their needs. And you need to make the process seem less intimidating. I have a law degree and still procrastinated for years on estate planning because I didn’t want to have the difficult conversations with my spouse.
Anony
+1 to everything you just said.
Hollis
Agree with this sentiment. You of all people know that people drag their feet on putting together a will. In the past year, I’ve been shocked by the people who have told me that they are “finally” getting around to putting together their estate plan, and these people include my own in-laws, who are in their late 70s (and had a younger sibling die about a decade ago) and my friends who made a lot of money through stock option years ago and whose kids are already in college. On top of that, you had 1 person sign up to be a client – I’ve been teaching a group of about the same size for a few years and not one has signed up for a client, but I think of all of them as potential referral sources. So, maybe dial down the expectations and see it as an opportunity to get your name out as an expert in the field?
Turning Down a Speaking Opportunity
If I was less busy, then I might agree with you. But I’m at the point where I’m trying to manage all the clients I already have, including probably hiring another staff person to help me manage the workload. And you might want to consider a different group of prospects. I do semi-annual presentations for a local credit union where I regularly get 7-8 new sets of clients, or more, per presentation.
Turning Down a Speaking Opportunity
Ah, there it is. I often hesitate to post on here because of the inevitable judgmental responses. I am not contemptuous of blue collar workers, but many blue-collar workers, in my experience, are not interested in Wills as they don’t perceive them as necessary, or if they do, do not have the money to pay for them. I am interested in clients who are willing to pay my (quite reasonable) fee. I don’t offer “pared-down” packages that are pared down enough to justify my time. If that offends you, so be it. As I said, I am busy with clients who are willing to pay for my services. I did not know in 2017 that the audience would be mostly comprised of blue-collar workers, so did not have the opportunity to tailor my presentation accordingly.
franklina
Them: Don’t ever use System for these things! Use this One-Stop-System we have! It’s totally HIPAA compliant! Everything can go in it!
Me: *learns about One-Stop-System, uses as designed*
Them: Why are you using One-Stop-System as designed! Use another System for this thing! You can’t have PHI in there! You are an idiot! You will need to be educated!
Me: What the actual entire isomorphic f^ck.
(The One-Stop-System *is* totally compliant and okay to use for PHI, and they actually have help text and suggestions about how to use it in different ways and how to protect it. To say nothing of the fact that my job *requires* me to be able to connect all the PHI with other info. And that no one can see the PHI info unless I give them permission. Unlike System, which anyone who can get onto our department drive can see, or worse, paper binders. I’m beginning to think some of these people are idiots.)
PS I’m very sensitive and cry at everything so guess who has smudgie eyeliner. Also I’ve only been here 9 months and my boss wants to try to promote me once my year hits.
Curious
Just gotta say, the entirety of your time at this place has been COVID. It’s reasonable to be tired and feeling sensitive.
Also, yes. Lots of people are idiots (or at best, self proclaimed experts who are full of hot air). You’ve got this.
franklina
Y’know, I needed this reminder. It feels like every convo I’ve had about this project has been bad in some way and it’s wearing on me. And you are right about being tired and sensitive.
thank you.
Curious
Take care of yourself. Even the best of situations is hard right now.
Anon
Maybe too late for this post (still early on the West Coast!): I just received a job offer, and the paid maternity leave is 4 weeks. I’m coming from biglaw, which has very generous paid mat leave. The job otherwise seems like a great opportunity for growth for someone leaving a mid-level corporate associate position and would be completely remote. In terms of other comp and benefits, the pay is solid, health insurance is worse than my husband’s so I won’t switch, and there’s “unlimited vacation” (lol ugh). I’m potentially hearing about another job offer today. I know mat leave in the US is not guaranteed, and 4 weeks paid is average, but I’m bummed because this is a “tech” company and I expected something fairly generous.
Not sure if I’m seeking commiseration or something else…am I just putting too much weight on this benefit? Maybe I just need to shift my mindset? As a couple, we are (finally!) debt-free but live in a HCOL. We expect to be able to afford unpaid mat leave, plus whatever partial paid leave that California provides, and my husband gets very generous parental leave at his employer.
Anonymous
I think it conveys pretty clearly they don’t care about attracting or retaining women who might have children.
Anon
+1
Not just women who might have children, but women in general are clearly not valued.
anon
So, the health insurance, PTO, and parental leave policies are all pretty mediocre? And they’re worse than what’s standard for your industry in your area? In my experience, that’s valuable information about how the company sees and treats employees as a whole.
Lobbyist
Well if you get unlimited vacation can you just take more than 4 weeks after baby?
Cat
That’s pretty terrible for a professional position. I think it sends a message about how much they value potential parents as employees. Willing to bet they don’t offer any paid leave for fathers/partners…
Anon
I don’t think 4 weeks is average, that seems pretty low.
Anokha
Agreed. West Coast here, and I feel like 12 weeks paid is average in the Bay Area.
Senior Attorney
“Unlimited vacation” = “no vacation.”
I feel like there are red flags everywhere and I would proceed with extreme caution.
Anon
At the risk of sounding ignorant, and having never heard of “unlimited vacation” in my industry – could someone explain why it is considered to be a signal of “no vacation?”
Thanks!!
Senior Attorney
“Unlimited vacation” generally means “you can take as much time off as you like as long as your work gets done.” And generally in those kinds of places your work is never done and you are expected to always be available.
Senior Attorney
Whereas if everybody knows you get, say two weeks off, people are more likely to respect it because (a) you’re scheduled it, and (b) everybody knows it’s a rare and wonderful thing.
Anon
I’ve been in tech for many years. For all the forward thinking the field wants you to associate with its work culture, in truth it’s just a more sparkly version of any other male-centric field. (And I say that as someone with a background in O&G, which is one of the worst.)
OP
Thanks for the replies. This company (Corp A) just merged with a much larger corporation (Corp B) and took on Corp B’s benefits. I suspect this might explain the poor benefits.
Senior Attorney, agree that “unlimited vacation” = no vacation, and based on the parental leave policy I read, you can’t request vacation when you’re on parental leave.
I’m interviewing with several other companies right now. I really loved the team at Corp A, but am so disappointed at the benefits. I just don’t know what to do with the risk calculus of turning down Corp A offer when I don’t have any other offers in hand. :( I don’t have an unlimited time to job hunt, for reasons I can’t get into on here.
Curious
FYI, we have 16 weeks paid leave for a birth parent at Amazon, plus prepartum leave. My partner will also get 6 weeks bonding leave and would qualify regardleas of whether baby was adopted or born to our family. *that* is average for big tech (Microsoft and Facebook are better). 4 weeks is an insult.
No Face
I would hold out for other offers. Bad health insurance, low maternity leave…I’m not seeing the draw here. This company is telling you about how it values its employees, and its not a great message.
If you ultimately decide to go with this job, ask how long you can take unpaid leave after the 4 weeks is up. I had good deliveries and good babies, but coming back from maternity leave at 4-6 weeks is difficult.
Anon
What’s their disability pay? At my corp, 4 weeks “parental leave” is for women and men to use, then you may also get full pay for 6-8 weeks after birth due to disability. They could do more absolutely, but you will likely get more than 4 weeks pay.
Anon
Something like 13% of US employers offer ANY paid maternity leave at all so I just want to point out that the expectation of 12+ weeks is pretty unrealistic as a general matter. Yes – big law firms and large tech companies tend to offer substantially more (in my next life I want to work for the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation) but that is very much the exception rather than the rule. And in no other way is Big Law a family friendly workplace. (I cannot speak to Big Tech)
I worked for a small law firm that allowed me to take 16 weeks off – all unpaid, although I lived in California and therefore got 6 weeks of disability. My sister worked for a small tech company and they made up the difference between what California paid and her salary for 6 weeks with nothing else paid.
This is not to say you should accept an offer with bad benefits but if you need a job and are looking at smaller or mid-sized tech companies, just be aware that they are not going to offer Amazon/Microsoft style benefits.
AnonATL
+1 to this. Consider what you could use with short term disability as well when calculating. And yes it sucks, but any paid leave outside of PTO at all is unusual.
Fwiw, I did 12 weeks total. 6 on STD at 2/3rd salary (8 if I had a csection) + 2 weeks of paid parental leave + unpaid time.
Anon
I left a company where I had built up maximum sick time and had a generous long term disability program. I could have gotten very sick and had full pay for a year +.
I went to a company with more salary but 4 weeks was the Max PTO/sick combined. I tried to negotiate it but that was the actual Max – the ceo didn’t get more than 4 weeks. And the LTD they offered had very low salary caps. I didn’t qualify for private LTD.
Three months into working for the new company I was diagosed with a life altering illness. Guess who spent a year kicking herself. And, going to work with said illness, because I didn’t have a choice.
This stuff doesn’t seem important until you need it. Tread carefully.
Hollis
I also went from BigLaw to in-house and then became pregnant. Wanted to mention that you may be able to buy “short-term disability” that will pay you some amount (not usually the entire salary, but capped at a dollar amount) for pregnancy leave, and in my case it was something like 6 weeks for vaginal delivery and 8 weeks for a c-section. The catch was that you needed to have had the policy in place at least 10 months before delivering the baby, so basically you need to buy it before you try to get pregnant. I ended up taking a total of 12 weeks off, but I basically negotiated an additional 4 weeks of unpaid leave directly with my manager and HR during my leave, when it was clear that I was in no state to get back to work so quickly.
AnonMom
Six weeks paid is the norm in my circle for part time workers (blue collar, even). Twelve weeks paid is the norm for full time, more if the company is decent. Four weeks is absurdly minimal and insulting.
If you don’t have to have this job, I would ask that they bump that up to the standard 12 weeks paid, then turn down the job explicitly for that reason if they don’t agree.
Sloan Sabbith
Dad update: Things aren’t going well. They found a mass behind his eye that they cannot biopsy without blinding him and can’t take out without a craniotomy. ~60% of similar masses are benign so pray to god that’s it because my dad loves to read and travel and see…
He’s having post-stroke psychosis. He’s accusing my mom of having an affair, and days my brother and I are covering it up. He isn’t sleeping at all. The SNF sucks at helping and pretty much day “well what are we supposed to do?” He’s incredible angry and they have no meds prescribed. He was able to pretend like he was just fine with me until he decided I was in on it so we are worried he’ll come off as totally ok to the doctor.
The SNF sucks overall. He fell out of bed. They didn’t transport him for appointments like they’re supposed to (and agreed to and said was confirmed.
He has a surgery on his carotid artery tomorrow and told my mom this morning he’s going to embarrass her there.
He’s supposed to be coming home on 2/5 but we are worried now he’s going to be violent. We can’t afford a nursing home and aren’t eligible for Medicaid. So yeah everything is going fairly f-ing badly.
Only good news is that the house remodel is easier than expected and should be done within a month.
Curious
Oh God Sloan, I would not be functioning. I am so sorry for all of these compounding losses and sufferings.
Panda Bear
That sounds so hard. Fingers crossed that there is some improvement by the time he comes home, and wishing you all the best.
Senior Attorney
OMG that’s so hard. Sending internet tots and pears.
Been there adjacent
Sloan, I’m so sorry. This is such a tough situation.
I engaged an angel of an elder care consultant when my dad was very ill. She provided great advice on the situation and knew where to find resources I’d searched far and wide for, but couldn’t find on my own. If you’re in the DC area and interested, please let me know and I can dig to find the info.
Anon
Not Sloan, but I would love the elder care consultant info. DMV area.
Been there adjacent
Heidi Travis at ElderTree Care was so wonderful at a really difficult time. I brought her in only when things were dire shortly before my dad passed from a terminal illness, but I so wish I’d brought her in sooner. I think she could have helped me get closer to the kind of care my dad wanted.
Sloan Sabbith
We tried contacting one and she wanted to charge us $40 an hour to send us people to call (but would not call anyone herself). We haven’t had the brain space to try to find another.
anon a mouse
Not sure of your employment situation, but a friend’s EAP handled similar requests for her (finding a consultant, not making the calls).
Sloan Sabbith
That’s a good idea. I’ll look at my EAP later tonight. Thanks!
Anon
I am so sorry to hear this update. I wish there was something that we could all do to support you. Sending you hugs!
Anon
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this Sloan. I don’t have any advice for you, just virtual covid-safe hugs.
Sloan Sabbith
Thanks all- these comments made me tear up. I am barely functioning, we are all just so tired and worried.
We talked to the doctor who said she would put in a script for a sedative for today and tonight and tell the hospital they need to do a full neuro evaluation when he’s in there after surgery. He’s too agitated today. He’s called me 18 times since 7 AM and I finally had to turn on do not disturb full time today. We’ve had to turn it on overnight to ignore his calls even though he sometimes can’t get a nurse because he’ll call all night long, having delusions and hallucinations. We told them that this has been happening and the nurses pretty much said “sucks to be you, we’re busy.” I know they have a hard job but they’re just the literal worst. My mom called the home administrator, concerned, after he fell out of bed who got all defensive of her “great staff.”
My psychiatrist called in an Ativan scrip for me so I can sleep better. Exhausting. Just absolutely exhausting and heartbreaking. Last night my mom said “I hate that this is my new life, I hate the rest of my life.” Breaks my heart- they were going to go on a European Viking River cruise this fall (or when safe after Covid) to celebrate a milestone birthday. That’s not possible with dad in a wheelchair needing this much help. She’s been saving for it for 5 years.
Anonymous
Sloan, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. The story of your parents saving for this trip for 5 years just knocked the wind out of me. Hugs.
Curious
Sloan, we might be able to get you connected to a mutual aid pod associated with Seattle 350 who can help with meals (and could for example bake that ham for you and cut it up). If you’re willing shoot me an email at corporetteburner@gmail.com and I will get you connected.
Sloan Sabbith
Oh, thank you so much! My parents are over on the eastern side of the state but I appreciate this offer immensely.
Curious
Ah, got it. You are so gracious in the midst of how hard this is. We will be thinking of you.