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Updated: Apr 8, 2019 315 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Chamberlan Tweed Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Happy Monday, everyone! I am loving this tweed blazer from L'Agence — it feels like it would be perfect as a structural statement piece for your wardrobe. It doesn't seem to be part of a suit, and it's the best kind of separate because it's textured, which sets it off from whatever else you're wearing. You could wear more black with it, like the black jeans it's styled with here, which looks great. I love the structure, and the lapels, and the button itself is kind of interesting as well. At $640, it's not super affordable, but I think it's a nice splurge investment piece. It's available in sizes 0–10 at Nordstrom. Chamberlan Tweed Blazer 1.State has a more affordable option, and for sizes 1X–3X, try Nic + Zoe. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected].

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

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Comments

  1. Seeking recommendations for gel pads or insoles

    Good morning! Does anyone have recommendations for gel pads or insoles? I’m getting into long walks (8-10 miles), and I need some help. I tried the Dr. Frederick’s metatarsal pads, and they’re great except that they ride up every 20 minutes and end up surrounding my toes. I tried duct-taping them in place, and it still didn’t work. So, I need something that makes it feel like I’m walking on a cloud but which doesn’t ride up. TIA!

    • Anon

      You need better sneakers if you want to feel like you’re walking on a cloud. Go to a run/walk shop and ask for recommendations. Hoka may be a good brand for you.

      Get the insoles that runners use – they cost about $50 and are sold by arch height.

    • Anon

      The Superfeet insoles were overrated for me, but REI recently started selling another brand (can’t remember the name, sorry) for about half the price that worked much better. Check out their website!

    • EM84

      I would also look rather into comfortable/better fitting shoes (I like Asics as they have a good range for overpronating feet). However, if you prefer insoles, I would recommend Dr Scholl insoles. I always keep a pair of their gel insoles in my shoe cupboard for when I get unprepared visitors. I had two friends coming with shoes which were not made for long walks on Prague’s old town tiles. They put the insoles in theirs shoes on day two and were happy.

      • Seeking recommendations for gel pads or insoles

        Thank you to everyone for productive responses. The Sweetfeet look good, and I’ll take a deeper look at the other items mentioned. Unfortunately, I wear a 12N, so I pretty much take what I can get when it comes to shoes.

  2. anonymouse

    A question from the weekend thread got me thinking: What “Women Issues/Centric” organizations do you support or are involved in (board, volunteering)?
    I currently support a sister via Women for Women International, give to NARAL and in non profit land lend via Kiva (typically to Women, Single Parents of either gender, Immigrants in that priority). I’d like to do something closer to home though (Texan here). I’m open to volunteering, but not sure where to start looking.
    Do you have favorite charities, causes that work to better women’s lives in America? I’d love to know and get inspired.

    • Anon

      My monetary giving is all international and through GiveWell, and I have it set to distribute to whatever their current list of ‘your money does the most good here’ is.

      Domestically, I volunteer on political campaigns, because I think the large structural changes that need to be made to truly and broadly make women’s lives better in America can only be made at the highest levels. Small local charities are great, and make great impacts, but at this point, I need to think bigger and that’s campaigns.

    • Anonymous

      In my community, single mothers, especially those who has children before finishing school, gave significant headwinds earning enough to house their families in safe neighborhoods with good schools. I donate a lot to our community college and orgs that provide housing and paths forward.

    • DCR

      I volunteer with an organization that focuses on helping and hopefully improving the lives of women living in poverty. Many of their clients are single mothers leaving abusive relationships, and I help with the shop – it’s a place when the clients can come and shop for clothing and household items for free. The organization also does job placement and interviewing services, along with other things, but I haven’t yet volunteered with that part of the organization.

    • Anonymous

      I’m on the board of my state NARAL. Many states have an independent NARAL Pro-Choice (STATE) affiliate, in additional to the national NARAL Pro-Choice America. Same for Planned Parenthood. I encourage people to support the state affiliate, which is financially independent from the national. Especially in this atmosphere, its important to protect reproductive rights at the state level in addition to the national. Even informing yourself of issues at the state level is important!

  3. Vj

    Rant over political differences: MIL complains this weekend over how “dumb AOC is” and uses a fake quote to support this. I think AOC is smart and sharp and I don’t believe quote is true which I tell her. MIL’a response is a condescending “I bet you also like Nancy Pelosi” to which I respond yes I do like her. Awkward silence ensues and husband sits quietly. Why did I have to marry into a family of trump supporters and why do I let them get to me (as I’m still irritated)??

    • Anonymous

      My strategy when MIL stay stupid sh*t is : Nod while looking interested, Smile, Change subject (What a lovely bracelet you have there MIL. When did you get that etc…) Says I am her favorite daughter-in-law, out of 4.

    • Anonymous

      If you otherwise like her, can you just nicely say next time that we just don’t see eye to eye here and maybe table politics so that you can enjoy spending time together more? Or, better, have your husband manage his people? To ensure the domestic tranquility . . .

    • Anon

      Ugh. My dad is a never -Trump ex-Republican (who grudgingly voted for Hillary) but he still buys into a lot of the right-wing propaganda. He managed to convince my super liberal mom that AOC is “the Trump of the left.”

      • Anonymous

        I am not an AOC fan. I get that everyone has opinions though but because the sharing tends to be nasty we keep them to ourselves.

        I am kin to people with Maga hats and other hats. I am here for Mike Gravel though — it is a breath of fresh air.

      • Anon

        She certainly is smart, but like Trump, she does have a schtick (one that it seems others have helped her craft). She can’t be a dem socialist on one hand and then on the other, not split tips amongst co-workers like she’s supposed to do. Although she is smart, she could be a bit smarter. But her role, like Trump’s, is just to appeal to a certain demographic…making sense on a consistent basis is not necessary.

    • Equestrian attorney

      I’m in Canada but my in-laws are very conservative (although they don’t like Trump at least – he offends their conservative Catholic sensibilities). I use the nod and smile then change the subject technique too, unless they seem something outrageous, in which case I say “I don’t agree with that” or “I don’t think that’s true” then try to move on. I will say that if they engage more than that, my DH (who is generally in alignement with my views) will typically jump in so I’m not taking all the heat, which helps.

    • Suburban

      Sorry.

      If it makes you feel better, her thoughts sound like they’re from Fox News or a similar propaganda operation. Progressive women are their favorite boogeymen. (boogeypeople?) I have similar people in my family and they’re mostly just really sad and broken and highly susceptible to hateful rhetoric. They don’t have nuanced thoughts worth discussing; they just have people they have decided to hate. I think you handled it well by stating your position and letting the silence be.

    • Anon

      I will politely correct if they say something that is literally false and usually illogically (ex. Puerto Rico isn’t America, Obama is Muslim, etc) or something so deeply offensive I can’t help but to say something (usually a racial slur or something similar) but otherwise just preoccupy myself with my phone or start day dreaming and polite nodding. It’s just not worth the argument most of the time.

    • Anon

      You forgot misogynists. You also married into a family of misogynists.

      Because that’s what all the fervor re AOC is about.

      • Anon.

        I think AOC is willfully ignorant, and takes pride in that. She’s probably average intelligence, but definitely not smart enough to be a leader on anything but Twitter. These views do not make me a universal woman-hater, puh-leeze.

    • Good luck

      “Really?! Did she really say that? Let’s check it out…”

      At one memorable kids’ birthday party, I just responded to everything as a question: “Really?! Obama is a member of the Muslim Brotherhood?!” I learned this method from a guy in high school.

      My other line with local politicians who get national press is, “well I guess their constituents like them…” works for AOC, (former) Sheriff Arpaio, Governor Kemp of Georgia (ugh) or Nancy Pelosi.

      Treat it like an anthropological study…

      • Anonymous

        Yes, this was my response to my grandfather. “That’s wild! I hadn’t heard that for some reason. If that’s true, that’s just wild!” Then onto the next non-political topic.

      • Fringe

        I’ve actually had decent success with this when someone started telling me about an “after-birth ab*rtion bill.” We looked it up, we found the article that they were talking about, found the bill the article mentioned, looked up the bill, and both started to actually look for it in the bill. Did it change their opinions on anything really? Not on a large scale, but at least it gave them an out to stop unintentionally spreading misinformation and may be one point to add up in the future if they ever start to think about how many times their sensational information has been proven false
        and start to deviate from Fox News and Breitbart (it’s a pipe dream but I’ve seen it happen once in a blue moon).

    • Anon

      I’m not trying to be a jerk, but after ten years of listening to “Sarah Palin said, ‘I can see Russia from my house,'” I have zero patience with progressives who complain about fake quotes making women look stupid.

      There are a lot of good reasons to dislike AOC, starting with the fact that she’s as dumb as a rock. She could have spent a half hour investigating why high-speed rail works in Europe but not here (geography, for one) – or even had her aides do it – before running her mouth. She complained when GND was brought for a vote in the Senate. (Here’s a hint: if your legislation is any good, you should be happy when it’s brought for a vote, even if prematurely. You only complain when it sucks, hard.) She got snotty about power storage and renewable energy, claiming that massive power storage is merely an “engineering problem.” (Yes, honey, that’s why we don’t have it yet.)

      Don’t even get me started on her wanting a seat on Ways and Means, or any other utterly inane things she thinks she’s entitled to on account of winning 17,000 votes in a primary election. Foolish little girl.

      • Anon

        I’m not a huge AOC fan either, but I hope you think about sexist and ageist your “foolish little girl” comment is. That’s an incredibly disrespectful way to talk about an adult woman, regardless of how you feel about her politics.

        • Anonymous

          If I were Nancy Pelosi, I would be calling her much worse.

          Nancy Pelosi: she can cut your head off before you even know you’re bleeding.

        • Anonymous

          This. Everyone says ‘high speed rail doesn’t work because geography’ has no idea how high speed rail actually works in Europe. It is used to connect medium distance larger cities – London, Brussels, Paris, Lyon etc. Many times those distances are in fact quite comparable to distances between larger cities on either of the US coasts. High speed rail is unpopular here because no one is embarrassed to be driving around in gigantic SUVs polluting like crazy for hours a day. Amercians are car obsessed regardless of the environmental cost.

          • LaurenB

            Right. Pursuant to the “unpopular opinion” thread of the other day, I cannot stand how every suburban mommeeeeeeee “needs” an SUV. Gas guzzle because one time a week you need to carpool some other kid to soccer. Heaven forbid you drive a regular sedan or a Prius. I secretly look down on SUV’s and minivans.

          • Get over yourself

            I have three kids under four, all still in carseats, all required to be in the back seat(s). I drive them every day, twice a day. I do occasionally pick up my nephew for soccer for shame!!), which requires a fourth carseat. Let me know how to fit that into a Prius and I’ll gladly get rid of the minivan.

      • Fringe

        If your attacks on her policy held water on their own you wouldn’t need to degrade your own argument by calling her a “foolish little girl.” Stop weakening your own argument.

    • Anon

      I’m a never-Trumper conservative leaning moderate and I am sooo sick of the hate on AOC. It’s actually making me like her more. Regardless of some of her political views, I find it so refreshing that a woman of her age and background is a Congresswoman. Bartender turned Congresswoman? That right there is an American dream. I hope she inspires girls all over the country to pursue their dreams and even run for office. Also, people don’t realize or forget that the woman has a bachelor’s degree in economics.

    • Anonymous

      I mean MIL is right. AOC is dumb on all levels. Of course on this board we probably applaud a Boston U grad choosing to be a bartender and we applaud her for turning away millions of dollars that would’ve been pumped into the economy by Amazon because we don’t realize that all those amazon workers would eat, buy clothes and otherwise spend $$$ in NYC.

      • PolyD

        Did AOC alone have the power to convince NYC not to have Amazon come there? Nobody else was involved in the decision? Because if so, wow, that’s pretty powerful for a first-term Congressperson.

      • KTA

        She is not “dumb on all levels”. where are all these fox-news watching, no original thought commenters coming from today?

    • rachelellen

      I’m sorry your husband doesn’t do anything to deflect the angst (at least in the brief description you provided.) I had a similar experience early on – we weren’t married but were together for years in our twenties. The way he handled- or didn’t handle, to be more precise- his family was what let me know the relationship had no future.

      • Walnut

        I’d be livid with my husband if he tried to moderate every random discussion I had with my in-laws.

    • Seventh Sister

      You have my deepest sympathies…my parents are the ones like that in my family. One parent watches 16 hours of Fox News a day, the other never watches the news but believes everything the other parent tells them about The World Today. I mostly smile and nod, or ask them to explain their particular assertion (“Where in the Bible does it say that Nancy Pelosi is the Antichrist? New Testament or Old?”). If I am feeling very punchy, I will make up some even more outlandish yarn tying several conspiracy theories together but I try not to do that very often.

  4. Disability Insurance

    My 2019 financial goal is to sort out disability insurance and would love advice from those who have gone before. I’m a single big law associate with no dependents. My parents are nearing retirement and I want to make sure I could support myself should something happen. I’m in my early 30s and healthy-ish. (Fatter than I should be, but active and a non-drinker/smoker.) I have some through work, but it’s my understanding that this is insufficient. Where did you start with this process? How did you figure out how much you needed? Is now the time to get disability insurance, or should I wait?

    • DCR

      I would start by considering what amount you need. Think about your yearly expenses now, and consider whether those would change if you became disabled (i.e., would you move from your HCOL location to a LCOL location by your family? would your expenses go down because you were no longer working and didn’t need expensive work clothing and daily lunches out?). I would be conservative with the number and overestimate your yearly expenses.

      Then, I would research what is covered by your firm. At my firm, it was 80%. I was fine with that since, if I became disabled, I would move from my HCOL area to a MCOL area to be by family. Heck, 80% of my former biglaw salary is more than I make now and I’m still in my HCOL area. If you find that you are not comfortable with the insurance provided by your firm, then get more insurance now. With life insurance, there is little need if you have no dependents and no one else who lives on your income. But everyone should have disability insurance, unless you are also independently wealthy.

      • Anon

        I looked into getting disability but was denied for a run of bad luck in the past few years. IIRC, the standard is 75% of current income so 80% of a biglaw salary seems very good. Just spitballing, I wonder if it’s because many biglaw employees are the breadwinner?

        Anyhow, to the OP, find a good representative and work with them. The application is similar to life insurance but requires more detail, somehow. My rep offered to shop my application to other companies when hers (MassMutual) denied me. She did tell me that as we shopped we should pay very close attention to the various riders that adjust benefits over time (two obvious examples, but there were others: whether while you’re not disabled, so increasing automatically as your income increases, or after your disabled to keep up with inflation).

        • anon

          since you were denied, do you plan on saving differently to account for the fact that you can’t get a plan. this happened to DH and he is the primary breadwinner by a lot, so we do try to save more to account for it, but it still makes me kind of nervous

    • Anonymous

      If you have it through work and are able to pay for it in after-tax dollars from your check, the proceeds are not taxed. This can have enormous implications for you if you need to use the policy, as my family has.

  5. Separate Finances - how do you do it

    I posted on Friday about some financial deception by my husband and really appreciate all the advice that I got. We’re going to be seeing a counselor and trying to work through it. He’s never been open to a therapist before but is now. In later conversations he was much more apologetic and recognized there are things he needs to work on – he said he literally just didn’t have the energy to confront the conversation and that he barely recognizes himself, and that he feels like so much of his enthusiasm and energy for everything has been ground out of him. I think individual therapy might help him as well, but at least we have a starting point.

    On a positive note, it made me realize that I’ve fallen into the classic trap of letting my husband handle the finances and not being as involved as I should be. All that changes now! We’re going to be separating our finances and getting a post nuptial agreement. I will have significant family assets coming my way and while we make the same amount now, my job has the higher earning potential. This made me realize that I have a lot to lose and I have to do a better job of protecting myself and my daughter. I will be consulting my attorney/accountant, but am going to wait until after the 15th!

    So, I’d love advice/anecdotes about how you handle separate finances while still being a team. My issue with this decision was that it wasn’t just for this snapshot in time, it was a longer term commitment/obligation. Even with separate finances, I still feel like there are some things that both partners should have to agree on, because it goes beyond being able to afford this bill right now.

    • Mrs. Jones

      This doesn’t answer your specific question, but it sounds like your husband may be depressed and may need treatment for that.
      Good luck to both of you.

    • Anon

      You can both put an agreed-upon amount into a joint account for bill paying and keep everything else separate. Agree on things like 401ks, which affect you both.

    • Anonymous

      DH and I never combined our finances. He would have preferred it but I find he’s anxious about money and I didn’t want to debate everytime the kids needed new sneakers or I planned a vacation. His expenses are more fixed, mine are more variable. We each have a bank account and a pension plan through our jobs (I realize the pension think is unusual and lucky but replicate with retirement savings). We split expenses pretty much 50-50 roughly as we make about the same. We discuss and plan larger purchases like car.

      He pays mortgage, cell/wifi bills, electricity, gifts for his family (small family -limited), car repairs/insurance, most groceries (he also does most of the grocery shopping). Both cars are paid off.

      I do daycare/afterschool (3 kids so this is mortgage equivalent), house insurance, travel (we visit family a lot, I do the planning), kids (clothing, school, lessons/activities), cleaners, some groceries, pharmacy/health stuff, gifts for kids and my family.

      No credit card debt – one credit card each that is deducted from our individual accounts each month. Small education savings fund for the kids that we need to work on contributing more to once youngest starts kindergarten next year.

    • Anonymous

      I have never completely merged finances with my husband and we’ve been married almost 20 years. We have access to each other’s accounts but we each have our own checking account where our paychecks get deposited. There are bills he pays, bills I pay and we both contribute to our mortgage – the payment comes out of a joint account we both contribute to. I pay for most of our groceries and so my share of the mortgage payment is less. We revisit our budget twice a year or anytime someone gets a new job or a raise, and make sure everything stays equitable – we basically aim for each person paying a percentage of bills and household expenses that matches their share of household income. When I made much less than my husband, I paid less. Now there’s not as much disparity and I pay more. It does take extra work compared to dumping everything in one account and paying bills from there, but I can’t imagine doing that, frankly. We never, ever fight over money. There’s total transparency – I can go in and look at what he’s spending and vice-versa – but there’s no argument about “you spent X on Y so I should be able to spend X on Z.” We also have our own credit cards and while we technically can use each other’s cards, we don’t. I think having to communicate more about money creates less opportunity for resentment to build up and allows us to feel like we have autonomy as adults. We track spending and budgeting carefully but each person is allowed to manage their own situation. I will say, I think this kind of arrangement only works if both parties are equally responsible about money and are good at talking about money. I’m happy to answer any questions you have.

      • anon

        Same here, we never merged and have been married 21 years….we have full transparency but also respect each other’s autonomy to spend on things we want with our own discretionary income. I think this just comes down to trusting each other to do the right thing.

      • Ellen

        I think that I will just leave things to my husband, if I ever find one, b/c he will have to be vetted first by Dad b/f I can marry him anyway, so he should be smart enough to handle finances for me. I know this sounds dumb, but I simply cannot be the lawyer I am if I must also be an accounent. Dad handles that for me, but he will not be here 4-ever, so I must think ahead, as I encourage the ENTIRE hive to do also. YAY!!!

    • anon

      Glad to hear the situation isn’t as dire as it first sounded. Good luck to you both!

      We have always had separate finances and it goes something like this- all income is by default the individual’s except for 2 things- 1. monthly household and shared expenses are split by income, and 2. We agree on a % of our gross income every year that we’ll put into a joint brokerage account. Otherwise all assets are entirely separate. There is a fair bit of trust required in that we don’t see what the other is saying is a “shared expense” although we have talked around general thoughts and obviously if the amount was changing significantly over time, we’d notice.

      We don’t have access to each other’s personal accounts, but we do have full transparency in that we talk through things in a lot of detail or will look through accounts together as we game plan. Our arrangement doesn’t require that we agree on things except the above (so for example, we don’t jointly agree on 401k contributions even though that would affect both of us), but I find that because we’re extremely similar in both overall temperment and in terms of how we handle money, I generally find that we each do what the other would have done anyway, even without having to agree. If you were to adopt a similar model, it might be better to have more explicit agreements around more things.

      I hope this works out!

    • Anon

      I tell people we have ‘combined finances’ because we think of all money as joint. But other than our house, our main assets are retirement accounts, which by nature have to be separate. The only thing that’s really joint about our finances is a house in both names and a savings account with about $25k in it. Our paychecks go into this account (post-retirement contributions) but thanks to daycare, mortgage and other general expenses, etc., this account isn’t growing. What is growing is our retirement accounts that are in my name only or his name only but not both.

      • Anonymous

        Same. Exactly the same. Down to having substantial retirement accounts in our separate names, but little current savings (due to daycare, mortgage, and other expenses of daily life). Though we consider our money joint, the only thing that’s truly joint is our home and home loan.

          • Anon

            I’m the Anon at 9:37. We have a joint card that we used for most daily expenses, but we also have separate cards (that we don’t really use, we just don’t want to close them for credit score reasons). All cards are paid out of the joint bank account I mentioned and an abnormal balance would be noticeable. My husband likes to be blissfully ignorant about what I buy, so he doesn’t look at the credit card statements (nothing is stopping him from doing so though). He does look at the bank statements, where he sees the total credit card balances.

    • anon

      I’m sorry you are going through this and I hope your husband gets back on track.
      We never merged our finances, for a variety of reasons.
      This is how it works for us: three buckets – joint, yours, mine.
      The joint bucket is for all the household operating expenses – housing, utilities, food, vacations …..
      We deposit monthly in proportion to relative income (e.g. in our case 65% me/ 35% DH)
      The total to be deposited is based on our average annual spending, divided by 12.
      The personal account is for shoes, haircuts, personal incidentals. No reason for my husband to subsidize my shoe habit.

    • elodie

      I’m unclear from your post if you have much experience managing your own finances or not, but I thought I’d post a few resources if you want to learn. For people new to investing, but with some disposable income or assets, I think “The Bogleheads Guide” is a great resource. Another good book, though one focused more on becoming financially independent, is “The Simple Path to wealth” by Jim Collins. You might consider using something like Personal Capital (what I use and like), or Quicken, to combine and see information from all the accounts – track spending, and investments.

  6. For true win

    I got my BR Logan spring / summer pants hemmed to a slight crop (think of Meghan Markle’s slight cropped black pantsuit from a year or so ago). I can drive / walk out at lunch in Rothy (or maybe my new MGemu flats) and keep my suede heels and other “nicer” and easier to ruin shoes at my desk for wearing around the office.

  7. Diana Barry

    Ladies, I have some more clothes that I could send to other ‘r e t t e s for cost of shipping! Email me at dianabarry r e t t e (no spaces) at the mail of g and I will send pictures!

    – J Crew very light grey super 120s suit, size 8, with pants, dress, skirt, blazer
    – BR cream blazer with black piping on collar/front, 8
    – BCBG size 8 cream 3/4 sleeve blazer with stripes in black/pink floral (hard to describe but pretty!)
    – Boden 8 silk popover blouse in small tile print (navy, teal, black, white)
    – Boden 8 Ravello 3/4 sleeve blouse, white background with multicolored spot print

  8. Workout Room Ideas?

    We are finishing our basement and putting in a full exercise room. If you could design your dream work out space, what you would put in it? I regularly attend OrangeTheory and Pure Barre but plan on cancelling those memberships when construction is completed. Right now, it’s a blank space, so we can really put whatever we want in there.

    • anne-on

      You know yourself best, but I find I work out harder in a class atomosphere, so I’d splurge on either a Peloton or a Hydrow (I prefer rowing). If you don’t need that I’d still add a water rower, elliptical and/or treadmill (or bike if you guys bike) a weight rack, and a barre along with padded floors.
      OOoooh – I would also totally buy a pilates reformer if you enjoy pilates, those are awesome!

      • Houda

        I feel with something like that, I’d easily (accidentally) throw a kettlebell at it because that’s my luck.
        Also I’m creeped out by what the algorithm can see/collect about me as I workout (they say you can cover the webcam but nah I’m too paranoid)

    • Suburban

      I’m really into bbg so: bench,step and weights. Mirrors and a treadmill and padded floors. Tv and a sauna! I’m so jealous that you get to do this!

      • Anon

        Same question – I thought you were saying you were really into BBQ so that is why you needed to work out so much.

        • Suburban

          Yes-sorry! It’s a workout program that’s designed for little/no equipment but I’d love to have the basics and a dedicated space.

    • Anon

      I’d add Free weights, Olympic Barbell, Weight Plates, Rubber flooring, yoga mats (plural, as my family likes to join me once in a while as well), couple kettle bells, treadmill, rowing machine, place for a smart TV so I can stream workout videos or just watch movies if I feel upto it.

    • Anon

      Don’t skimp on the media aspect–music, a way to stream workout classes, or whatever your preference is! Also, my personal preference would be to include/keep a window if at all possible. I would dread going to workout in a space that doesn’t have windows but I know you’re working with a basement and whatever limitations that come with it.

      • Anonymous

        This. Music, streaming workout classes, good TV. These would all be my most important things in a home gym. That and a good treadmill, because I think it’s just so much easier to use one when it’s smooth. I’d probably go treadmill and free weights, primarily.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      A full power rack so you can calmly lift heavy without a spotter, mirrors to check your form, and a deadlifting platform.

    • Worry about yourself

      Oooh this is a fun question! I’d probably put in a rowing machine and a stationary bike, both machines facing a screen so I can either stream a workout or watch whatever while I work out, and at least enough space for a yoga mat so I have room to stretch and warm up. Maybe a short stretch of barre along the wall for those workouts. Dumbbells, medicine balls, resistance bands, one of those squishy balls for barre, etc., and cubbies to keep all that organized, along with cleaning supplies. Oh, and a sound system!

    • anon

      Giant TV for streaming workouts or media. I’m on team exerciseisboring, so I need some motivation or entertainment to get me going.

    • KW

      What kind of flooring are you planning? We’re getting new carpet in our basement, but are contemplating replacing the carpet in the room we use for working out with a different type of flooring. Or different carpet? We have an elliptical machine, a bench, and free weights, and I do cardio and lifting.

    • Anonymous

      I would have:

      Sprung wood floor
      Full wall of mirrors
      Barre
      TV mounted in a place where it can be used while on the treadmill and for Les Mills streaming workouts
      Large area of panel mats for parallette and handstand work, adjacent to a large empty wall space with an easily cleaned surface (maybe padded)
      Stall bar
      Climbing rope

    • anon a mouse

      Also don’t skimp on the ventilation — I’d want at least two fans in different corners, mounted up on the walls, to be able to keep a steady breeze going. Ideally your electrician could wire them so you could control them with a master switch (or remote).

    • JuniorMinion

      I just did this.

      In lieu of a deadlift platform we just put 3/4″ plywood covered with horse stall mats from tractor supply for the floor.
      I have a titan x-3 power rack, texas power bar, 450# of bumpers / metal plates (fringesport), a rogue echo assault bike, powerblock adjustable dumbbells and an adjustable bench + some other accoutrements.

      Recommend you check out r/homegym – they are pretty helpful over there.

    • EM84

      I do weights, indoor cycling, yoga and HIIT and this is what I have in my room with gallery windows (so no problem with AC):
      *big mirror so that I cam check my form
      *bluetooth speaker, fresh small towels, water bottel on a chair
      *one big yoga mat with an antislip yoga towel (I never bother to roll it after I am done)
      *spinning bike on a cushion mat
      *step, set of bar (10kg) with plates (5kg, 2.5kg, 0.5kg in multiples), dumbbells (3kg) and ankle weights (for my BodyPump and HIIT workout), everything on a rack for less cluttered appeal
      *expander for some core exercises
      If I could add something, it would be TRX set and a boxing sack and a TV, so that I could follow my online workouts (I use Les Mills) on a bigger screen (I use i
      ad now and it is ok). The only thing I spend lots of money on as a pro spin bike, everything else was bought cheaply on Amazon and I have the same stuff for 5-8 years plus.
      I used to own a Concept rowing machine, but I could not use it properly bc of my back problems. I do not miss it – I get better amd more enjoyable workout from the spin bike (and I hate cycling in real life).
      Congrats on your new gym! You will love it!

  9. Anon

    Trying to find a 32×32 square frame for an etsy print and am struggling. I found lots of framing companies online, but many have bad reviews/BBB complaints. The three local framing stores near me are only open 8-6 which is basically a non-starter with my work/commute. Does anyone have a framing store online that they like? Affordability would be nice if possible. TIA!

      • Anonymous

        +1 for Michaels. I just got two non-standard size prints framed there on the weekend and they constantly have insane sales (I got mine done at 70% off!)

      • Mpls

        Or a Joann’s? Either one will likely also have a 50-60% off coupon for custom framing.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1 to Michael’s. I let them upsell me on the matting but it turned out really well.

        Matboardandmore dot com is a good online option. Custom sizes get expensive but still less than you’d pay at a frame shop.

    • The original Scarlett

      I use framebridge. You can mail them your print and customize the frame. Relatively reasonable for the service, and nice quality.

  10. Second marriage finances

    When I got married we each had a house, he had a kid, and I had a small business (in addition to my job). We have a small joint checking account and a joint credit card. His $ pays for his child support and we don’t mingle $ largely because of that. Also, if I die first, my $ goes to him in trust and then to my children (still in trust). He may get an inheritance (not huge but a few hundred thousand dollars) that I expect him to keep separate. The house we live in is “my” house in that I bought it previously and keep making the payments. He sold his and uses the prior mortgage payment for his son and various household things.

    • Anon

      Everyone needs to know their state’s laws too though. In my state, none of this separate business would matter in the event of a divorce. Absent a pre-nup, it is all marital assets, regardless of whose name it is in but if you can show that it wasn’t used during the marriage you might be able to convince the judge to separate it out and not divide it.

      • Anon

        +1. Co-mingling or keeping separate has no effect in my state either, unless it’s something like an inheritance and the gift giver specifies it’s a gift to one member of the couple only.

      • Anonymous

        I know that — it was more to be able to leave things by will or by contract and whether or not things can be discoverable in court by an ex. I get that in divorce things get split up differently.

  11. Bras for girls

    Any refs for a tween girl who needs something like a braletye for modesty (school uniforms incl white shirts) than for support? Yellow berry has been hard to get on/off (maybe we just need to size way up). Many bralettes don’t go down below 32 in band size (she is like 28 or 30). And they are for festivals or to be seen and we want just the opposite : invisibility with some coverage (but not padding) in front. Cookies are waaay too padded in the last iteration I tried for me.

    Help!

  12. Equestrian attorney

    Are you the c*llared shirt person? Otherwise, no. Wear a regular suit. Interviews are not a good time to try things out.

  13. Anonymous

    How often do you buy a new pair of shoes? How about the men in your life (looking for an opposite sex perspective).

    Do you donate old ones to make room or just stack the pile higher in the closet?

    • Anon

      I buy about 2 pairs every six months (usually fall time for boots and spring for flats and sandals) and the occasional shoe for a wedding or special event. I’m in a cheap cycle though of only buying what I need and wearing it constantly until it’s worn out and requires being trashed (except for work heels which only leave the office for court/meetings). I actually think if you have more options that you rotate through, you’re likely to have more pairs of shoes that last longer. DH buys a few pairs of shoes a year and trashes them when they no longer look presentable. I don’t see the point of donating heavily worn shoes; are you buying shoes and not wearing them much? Maybe you can do a clothes and shoes swap with friends and then donate whatever doesn’t get picked up if that’s the case.

    • Anon

      I normally wear shoes until they are destroyed. I’ve worn through, so there is a big hole in the sole, more shoes than I can count. The only time I donated shoes was when I decided to basically stop wearing heels. I keep a few pairs for the few times a year I wear heels, and donated the rest.

      • pugsnbourbon

        I’m similar to you – wear it until you absolutely can’t any more. I replaced two pairs of flats this spring and will prob have to replace a pair of ankle boots in the fall.
        I usually have two-three pairs in rotation for spring/summer and fall/winter. I also have a couple pairs of heels I can break out for very fancy days or events – I’ve only ever donated this type of shoe.

    • Never too many shoes...

      I buy maybe 10 – 15 pairs per year (but that includes flipflops/sandals). I probably purge 5 pairs per year at least as the flipflops/sandals tend to wear out. Fancy shoes I keep forever really.

      My husband may own 10 pairs in total. He replaces shoes perhaps every 3 years or so.

    • Anon

      yikes, this is my weakness. Last year I added 36 pairs to my closet and spent $975. I got some for free from work, most at a discount. I probably purged 20 pair.

  14. Bachlorette Planning Help

    Hi all, I’m planning a bachelorette party for a friend in San Luis Obispo this summer (I’m the MOH) and looking for recommendations/fun ideas. Even if it isn’t area specific, does anyone have cute ideas for the party or a gift to the bride? There will be about ten of us over the course of Friday night to Sunday morning. I’m leaning towards a wine tour that visits a few different vineyards by bus to avoid the DD issue but don’t have much for restaurants/bars/clubs or other activities. The bride isn’t into anything raunchy so I was thinking group shirts or cups, making her a sash, and maybe buying her some yoga classes or a gift certificate for a message? My ideas feel a bit cliché/ordinary so far so I thought I’d consult the hive! TIA!

    • thehungryaccountant

      I grew up visiting the central coast, and I am jealous that you’ll be spending a weekend there!
      If you’re looking for a more tame weekend renting a small beach house near one of the neighboring towns (Avila, Pismo, Morro Bay, Cayucos, Cambria). Wine tour of the region is a good call, some personal favorites: Cass Winery ( especially their Mourvedre), Edna Valley, and Epoch Estate Wines. Additionally, not sure how into history you all are, but Heart Castle is worth the trek if you’ve never been to the area.
      Restaurants: Luna Red (fun tapas place w excellent Sangria), Giuseppes (Italian w local wine menu), and Koberl at Blue (New American). There’s plenty of bars in downtown SLO, I’d check Yelp/Tripadvisor for updated reviews as the vibe tends to change in the summer.
      Nice yoga mat + local classes is sweet and personal, especially if the bride isn’t into to dirty/raunchy gifts.

      • Senior Attorney

        Do not stay at the Madonna Inn. The rooms are icky and tacky. The spa, however, is operated by a third party and is divine and highly recommended. Make sure you bring your swimsuits because the outdoor pool has beautiful views.

        +1 to Hearst Castle. Definitely worth a trip if you’ve never been.

        Breakfast at Linn’s Fruit Bin in Cambria for the olallieberrie pancakes and such.

    • Annony

      There’s a great little olive oil ranch (farm?) in Paso Robles where you can do olive oil tastings … nice little break in the wine action. Perhaps a gift set from there? Their oils (and vinegars) are really amazing! Pasolivo

    • Anon

      Cads against matrimony is surprisingly fun. It’s not quite as lesbian wedding-friendly as advertised, but still ok for a lesbian wedding (not sure who your friend is marrying, just wanted to add the caveat since it’s advertised as super woke).

    • MJ

      Check out recs in Sunset Magazine. They will have great suggestions. There’s also a “Santa Maria BBQ” cooking school that I’ve always wanted to take my dad to…that could be really fun as a group cooking class.

  15. Work bag

    I’m in the market for a new work bag to fit my 15″ laptop and that would be comfortable for sometimes commuting via public transit. The Dagne Dover Landon Carryall looks awesome – but I think I’d need the Large size to fit my laptop. Does anyone have this size – is it ridiculously huge to lug to work everyday? Also, how does the neoprene handle rain – would everything inside get soaked? I’m also considering the Dagne Dover Weston Laptop Bag (Large), the Lo & Sons Brookline or Hanover Deluxe, or the Knomo London Hanover. Any thoughts/suggestions are much appreciated!

    • azcpa

      I’m a total Dagne Dover convert. While I adore their Neoprene as a gym and travel bag, I don’t love it for work. Have you looked at the Signature Tote? The Legend size would be perfect, and while its a little big for a airplane, it is amazing for all over sorts of commutes. The coated canvas is light but super structured, and waterproof.

  16. RTR question

    My very generous sister sent me a $250 gift certificate for Rent the Runway, which I have never rented from before. I’m transitioning to a job that is mostly working from home, and I have young kids so it’s not like I have a need for fancy cocktail dresses every weekend.

    If you were in my situation, how would you use this money? I probably lack the most in casual clothes for the weekend, do they carry stuff like that and are they nice? And am I correct that I should not get a monthly subscription but instead just order pieces a la carte?

    More generally, how do you figure out if something listed will look good on you? I’m so used to buying things online and returning if I don’t like it, so this rental model is very new to me.

    Thanks.

    • NY CPA

      I would hold off until you need something for a fancy event (I’m assuming the gift card doesn’t expire). I’ve done the membership, and found it was great for fancy events but not so useful for my work or weekend life. Or if you’re going on vacation and want something like a fabulous maxi dress or something. But honestly, for the cost, I get the most value from their special occasion dresses.

    • anon

      What a fun gift! If you have any potential fancy things to go to (office holiday parties, galas, fundraisers, weddings, etc.), I second holding it for that. They send you a backup dress or size, so that helps ease the “will it look good” tension a bit. It’s really fun to feel red-carpet-worthy for an event without having to invest.

  17. Habits?

    One of my goals for 2019 is to make certain tasks “habits” rather than items on a to do list. For example, instead of getting gas on an ad hoc basis, I am trying to fill up on Friday mornings and spend a few minutes emptying my car of any trash that has accumulated.

    I’d like to implement a similar structure around household chores, especially laundry. I’m leaving too many chores for the weekend instead of tackling smaller items throughout the workweek. For laundry, I think I’d like to try running a small load or two every day, and spending 5-10 minutes folding and putting away that small load instead of waiting for things to pile up and running 4-5 loads on the weekend.

    Does anyone have 1) tips or suggestions for making household chores more routine throughout the week; and/or 2) any other items that can be routinized instead of being completed ad hoc? I’m sure this ask sounds simple for some but trying to manage adult responsibilities/work/pets with ADHD is tough!

    • Cb

      I’ve been using this Ultrawork lights spreadsheet for the last week and it’s very cool. I’m not quite sure how you’d use it with things that don’t need to be done daily but I’m finding it quite motivating.

    • Cat

      – Amazon subscribe and save for items you use on a predictable schedule
      – Run one errand on the way home each day so you don’t have to do them all on the weekend

    • Falstaff

      This is a great idea! You can adopt the Ma Ingalls system of doing certain tasks on the same day every week.

      Wash on Monday
      Iron on Tuesday
      Mend on Wednesday
      Churn on Thursday
      Clean on Friday
      Bake on Saturday
      Rest on Sunday.

      • Crashed fly baby

        Not sure if you’re joking but the Flylady dot net system has chores similar to this.
        Wednesday was desk day (pay bills, plan calendar)
        Monday was errand/appointment day (the example was to plan dental work only on Monday if possible).
        I used to try to do 1 pick grocery shopping on the weekend, a quicker-picker-up on Wednesday night (like that 2nd gallon of milk). This has since fallen by the wayside.
        You can check out the site, of course

      • Anon

        I like this idea, and is the approach I take (although I don’t do many of these items, so it’s more like clean kitchen one night, do laundry another, pick up the living room another, etc.). My fear with doing laundry every day is that I’m just creating more work for myself, but I also normally only have two loads a week at most.

    • Equestrian attorney

      I’m not Ma Ingalls but I always throw in a load of Wednesdays after my exercise class. It helps decrease the load on weekends and my dance clothes don’t get stinky :)

    • Houda

      Fellow adult ADD here. What worked for me is doing things in discrete small steps when I can’t be bothered, and use the full extent of my hyper state when I have one.
      I have come to terms with letting machines run overnight and unloading the following evening.
      When I am on a travel case, I know that I am back home every Thursday so I make it a point to load the laundry as I unpack my things. I might let the washer dryer run overnight and then on Friday after work, I’d do the folding and steaming of clothes.
      If I am working all week from home office, I load the dishwasher as I use the utensils, when it looks kind of full, I run it overnight again.
      Part of the ADD thing is that I will get random bursts of energy where I hyperfocus on something. I stopped trying to shut that feeling. Last week, I had something like that and it was about green smoothies, so instead of sticking to my 15 min rule, I went to town and bought all the veggies after work and made tons of smoothie packs to freeze.
      Do small things, but definitely make use of your energy when you have the upticks. Now if only there was a way to make sure I only get excited about productive stuff

    • SC

      What are your chores? Do you have a cleaning person, or do you clean your house yourself?

      When I was in charge of laundry, I put one load in the washing machine when I woke up, changed it to the dryer before I left the house, and folded and put it away in the evening. I like to keep items separate by type or room so it’s easier to put away–so, for example, I’d do laundry for my husband and me on Mondays and Thursdays, laundry for Kiddo on Tuesdays, towels (which take longer to dry) plus my delicates (which I don’t put in the dryer) on Wednesdays, and sheets on Fridays.

      At one point, I had cleaning routines for each room or type of room. The schedule was basically a list of 3-5 things to be done in each room, and one room or type of room per weekday–kitchen, living room, bathroom(s), bedroom(s), then pet stuff. The kitchen took about 30 minutes, and the other routine were 15 minutes or less, if I kept up the routine. Admittedly, this was a small-ish apartment (2 BR/1 bath).

    • anon a mouse

      I do laundry 4-5 days a week.

      In the morning, I toss a load in the wash. In the evening, I put it in the dryer. Before bed, I fold and put away that load, then collect everything for the next morning’s load and put it by the stairs so I don’t forget. There’s always laundry, but it feels less like a major chore because I’m rarely waiting on the W/D to finish running, and it doesn’t pile up.

    • Vicky Austin

      This is a great idea! I recently moved my grocery run from Saturdays to Tuesdays after work so I have more time on the weekends to chill, and I think I’ll tack on gas to that.

      • OP

        This is a great idea! I tend to leave all things meal plan/shop/prep to Sundays, and it does tend to take away from some of the other things I could be doing to prep for the week. I’m thinking it could be nice to shop on Thursdays after work so that we’ll have more groceries around for weekend meals in addition to alleviating the weekend time crunch.

    • Curly

      I’m embarking on doing this as well! Here’s my rough schedule:

      Daily (or almost daily– an important point for me is that I try not to freak out or give up if I miss a day here and there):
      Wipe bathroom sink, top surface of the bathtub, and toilet handle/lid (takes 1 minute)
      Unload the dishwasher when I get home from work if I ran it while at work so I can put my coffee mug directly in there (this is CRITICAL for me because if there is room in the dishwasher, I do a pretty good job of putting stuff directly in there–if not and things start piling up in the sink….)
      Wipe kitchen counter
      Make bed
      Hang clothes to air when I take them off rather than putting on the dresser, etc.
      ROOMBA! (also critical because then floors don’t seem overwhelming)

      One day in the middle of the week, I do one load of laundry. I used to be meticulous about sorting, but now I’ve accepted it’s easier for me to fold one slightly larger load and put away than doing a million small loads. So in the middle of the week, I wash towels, whites, pjs, and workout clothes together. Start as I’m leaving, dry when I get home while I’m doing other stuff and then fold before going to bed.

      Like you, I started getting gas every Saturday, even if I only get 1/8 of a tank. Throw away all trash while I’m waiting for it to fill up.

      Weekend:
      Bathroom only takes a few minutes to clean more thoroughly since I’ve been wiping the surfaces all week
      Kitchen takes maybe 10 mins because I try to keep dishes clean and wipe the counters
      I use a damp mop real quick on the floors (small apt, so also doesn’t take long)
      Put away items that have migrated to the wrong spot.
      Usually only have one load of laundry with clothes/towels, but I also wash my sheets and do some delicates every weekend. I don’t ever make it my goal to have every piece of laundry clean, so that takes a lot of stress out of the laundry process. As long as I’ve got enough clothes to wear, and the clean clothes are put away, then I have decided that is my standard.
      Groceries/gas/other stores/farmer’s market in the same trip. I try to consolidate as much as possible and am trying to not to use Amazon as much, but I don’t know how long that will last. I do get a meat share and a CSA share, so much of my food “shopping” is taken care of that way.

      Two tips I’ve gotten from super neat friends that have helped me “automate” a bit more. The one-touch rule– Touch mail as little as possible. Throw junk mail away IMMEDIATELY DO NOT SET IT DOWN ON THE COUNTER EVER. I put bills right in my purse to pay the next day. The other is to leave a room better than I found it. If I walk through a room and notice there are several things on the table that don’t belong there, I’ll take one and put it away on my way out of the room. I don’t strive for perfection, just for “don’t be embarrassed if someone comes over unexpectedly.” I’ve also become obsessed with the podcast “Ask a Clean Person”, and am working my way through the archives. I think that helps me stay in a mindset of being productive around the house.

      • Curly

        Wow, when that’s all typed out, it looks like a lot, and I feel like a crazy person. But the daily routine probably takes less time than reading all that did (if anyone made it to the end).

      • anonshmanon

        The wiping down of sink and bathroom surfaces can be done in the minute you wait for the shower water to get warm.

        • Curly

          Yes! This is a good point. I try to use moments like that–waiting for the water to get warm, while brushing my teeth, whatever, to do a little tiny something rather than zoning out and looking at my phone. It doesn’t feel like a chore that way.

        • anon

          My mom taught me a similar trick when I was little. She’d set the microwave timer for 2 minutes and make a game of seeing how much we could pick up or clean in that amount of time. It’s amazing when you’re focused how long 2 minutes is.

      • Abby

        Can you share more on your meat share? How you found them/what made you decide to go for it? I live in the midwest and am intrigued!

        • Curly

          Yes! I got into it for a few reasons: I wanted to cut down my meat consumption for environmental reasons and having the meat share means that I have a limited amount every couple of weeks, I know the farmers and feel comfortable the animals are being raised and slaughtered humanely, I wanted to learn to cook a variety of meat, and I am doing my best to support local businesses of all types, especially food producers, for environmental/community development reasons. I’m in the south in a place that has only recently come around in some of these arenas, so if you’re in a midwestern city of any size, I bet there are some places nearby if you do some digging.

          I heard about the first one I used through a local cooking class. That one would deliver a box to my house every two weeks with a set schedule of meat: some ground beef, a pork roast, and some chicken breasts or thighs. I quickly got tired of that because it was the same meat every time, so I wasn’t getting to experiment as much as I wanted. Some people love that, though. I’ve been a member of my current meat share for a couple of years now. I found them at the farmer’s market–I bought their meat ad hoc for a while and then signed up for the share when they put out some literature about the upcoming season. I have a half share, which gets me 3-4 items every two weeks. It’s not the same things each delivery, but they do not give really intimidating or unusual pieces, so I’m not having to figure out how to use tails or something. Usually it’s either bacon or ham, some chicken, pork loin or chop, and sometimes a steak or ground beef. They do usually have an option where you can take bones or frames if you want for stock. I like this one a lot better because of the variety, and I have to pick it up at the farmer’s market, so that encourages me to go there at least every other week.

      • OP

        This is awesome and super helpful, thanks! Your points about not freaking out when you miss a day (I’m sure we all skew towards perfectionists here) and also leaving a room better than you found it really resonate.

    • Anon

      I wish I could have some sort of structure during the week but I’m often home for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. I go out a lot rather than working such crazy hours and I refuse to give up my social life. Friday night I usually crash and I try to get all my chores done on Saturday morning after a workout.

    • Anon

      I’m trying to do this as well since I resent having small chores somehow expand to fill an entire weekend day when I could be skiing or hiking or doing something much more fun. Seems better to ruin a Monday night than my Sunday!

    • Anon

      I let go of my cleaning service about a month ago and asked for tips on here. Someone pointed me toward a couple of websites, ask a clean person (I’m obsessed!) and another I unfortunately can’t remember the name of but she is big into making her own cleaning products and that was a big no for me.

      A helpful thing she mentioned, though, was to have a task every day of the week. I don’t really do it her way but a few things resonated with me – dust one day, vacuum the next, as dust falls down. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that but I definitely do that now. I bought a long handled microfiber duster and I just run that everywhere dust might settle and then run the Roomba.

      By the way, get a Roomba.

      We still don’t do a load of laundry every day but that is my husband’s thing and he likes to do it all on one day per week so I am not trying to change anything there – if someone is gonna do my laundry, I’m not going to argue with them about the schedule, you know?

      Basically, every Saturday morning I do a big clean of the kitchen after breakfast – where I clean the counters with fantastik, take the grates off the range and clean the base, clean the inside of the microwave, etc. If I’m still feeling industrious I will get out the microfiber thing and dust the dining room, living room, and my home office and then run the Roomba.

      I bought a caddy of bathroom cleaning products and wrote down a schedule – spray everything first to let the cleaner do it’s work, so windex the mirror, scrubbing bubbles the tub and sink, toilet cleaner in the toilet. Then work downwards starting with the mirror. Move on to the sink and tub. Scrub the toilet. Use a Lysol or Clorox wipe for the surfaces. Swiffer dry then swiffer wet the floor and back myself out of the bathroom. To be honest, I have my teen kids doing the bathrooms. They need to learn this stuff. But I would do a better job myself. Bathroom cleaning has to be done by the end of the weekend, I don’t care whether it’s Saturday Morning or Sunday night.

      I don’t plan to do a lot during the week other than maintain because my schedule is unreliable. But I do make sure the kitchen is clean before I go to bed, and I make sure the mail table is basically in order most days.

    • Small Firm IP Litigator

      I would be wary of a rigid schedule creating more work. For example, why stop and get gas more often than you need to? You are likely increasing the number of times you have to stop for gas. On laundry, I am confused. How do you have enough laundry to do every day? I do 1 load a week, 2 max, and that covers my work clothes, workout clothes, and PJs. Doing tiny loads is likely creating more work and wasting water/soap.

      • OP

        Yep, I’m fully aware that on a cumulative basis this creates more work. For me, though, I prefer to have routines rather than a long to-do list. I will literally struggle to focus at work if I know there’s an errand I haven’t run but should, so I’d prefer to limit feeling like I have “ad hoc” errands to run.

        On the laundry front, it’s my husband, me and two large dogs who are a mess, so our laundry tends to be a load of each: our normal clothes, workout clothes, towels + bath mats, sheets, blanket + duvet, 2x dog bedding, and usually a mixed load of rags/cleaning cloths and dish towels. For people who have children I imagine the laundry is a lot more significant. None of these loads are particularly small so I should have phrased it “small” in terms of the time effort of doing back-to-back loads vs. one every day or every other day.

        I should also qualify that I currently work ~45 hours/week. None of these things were possible in my former job where a normal week were ~60-70 hours/week. I’m trying to maximize the extra time I now have during the work week so that I can enjoy my weekends.

      • Anon

        I assume she has enough laundry to do every day because kids. Might not be her situation. But I have three kids and could (and probably should) do one load every weekday.

  18. anon

    i was trying on some new jeans and other pants and they are all so bunchy at the knees. does anyone else have this issue? it wasn’t just one particular brand or style. i wonder if i need to be purchasing different jeans, or if this is just a general issue that people have

    • Anon9

      I have this issue too. I have short legs relative to my torso, if that has any significance.

    • Anonymous

      I have been finding this lately too, at the knees and the behind. I think it has to do with the fact that jeans are now being made out of blends with a lot of synthetic fibers instead of just cotton + spandex. I have tried sizing down.

    • Anonymous

      I have this problem with mother jeans, and I think frame jeans. When I stick to Hudson jeans, it’s not a problem.

  19. Anonymous

    Recently moved to a new firm. I have several presentations this month as an introduction to new firm/community. I don’t feel nervous – not shaky, sleepless, etc., but I’m getting the urge to go #2 RIGHT BEFORE the presentation(s). This has happened twice and I’m trying to figure out how to change. I’m not eating anything different (that I notice anyway) – I know this is anonymously TMI, but does anyone have suggestions? Please tell me this goes away.

    • Anon

      This is nervousness so treat it like nervousness and avoid eating before the presentation (and eat dinner very early the night before).

    • Houda

      It goes away. Just don’t have coffee if it has a similar effect on you so you’re not making it worse (I noticed when you have a series of presentations, you can get sucked into having a coffee at the beginning of each session). Make a habit of going to the loo at the end of every meeting before the presentation starts (locate the nearest washroom before going in the meeting), no need to announce it but a quick “I’ll be back”. People won’t mind waiting a couple minutes to catch-up with others as these presentations don’t happen often, or if it’s one on one, they will set-up their slides before the presentation, take a sip of water etc.. At least it’s better than going mid-talk.
      If you want a TMI to feel better, I go n 2 all the time during menses so stopped caring about how often I am seen to go out.
      Congrats on your new job

      • MomAnon4This

        yes, I found out as an adult (age 35 or so, having already given birth!) that the same hormone pushing your uterine lining out helps to push EVERYTHING out of EVERYWHERE… even the rear. So as you phrased it menses-related no. 2 is totally normal and even expected.

        File this under “things I wished I’d learned in public school health class”

    • Anxiety is weird.

      This is my nervous tic, too. I try to go in the mornings.
      I also have taken immodium on Big Days. Just in case.

    • JHC

      This is the story of my life. This has happened to me before trial, public speaking, walking down the aisle…I just assume this is how my body reacts to adrenaline. Nothing I do makes it go away (except going to the bathroom), so I’d also be interested in knowing whether anyone has any hints here.

    • Anon

      Prob. that’s the way your body is responding to stress…..

      Maybe try taking Magnesium (Bisglycinate or Citrate) every night so it becomes clockwork every morning and also helps with nerves and better sleep. Drink lot of water first thing in the morning – as in about a 700 ml to a litre.. This helps relieve bowels as well. Do this everyday so your body works independently of your stress.

    • Anon for this

      I’ve been suffering from digestive issues for the past several years, and I’ve since found out (both from experience and reading medical literature) that stress is a HUGE trigger for your digestive system.

      The only thing that helps me is to plan to go to the bathroom before any meetings, especially major ones. I set my outlook calendar reminder for 15 min before so that I have plenty of time to get my stuff together, go to the restroom, and make it to the meeting.

      If that doesn’t help, then you could try deep breathing exercises (breathe in for 5 seconds, breathe out for 5 seconds. When I feel like I really have to go but don’t have the option, this is the only thing I can do to calm my nerves.

    • Anon

      Nervous no. 2s are a real thing I believe. Perhaps subconsciously you are a bit nervous? it should go away as you settle in.

    • Anon

      I’ve had this my whole life. If I know I have stressful stuff that day, after my morning regular number 2, I take 1 Imodium. Keeps the nervous poops at bay and doesn’t stop me up like a full dose would. I might skip a number 2 the next day but I’m back on track the day after that. The only downside to the Immodium trick is (in my unscientific assumed view) it takes all the extra liquid from my intestines and turns it into pee. So I still have to run to the bathroom either way but I’d rather have to pee before a presentation than poop considering there are usually 5 other people in the bathroom right before the meeting.

    • anon

      It’s part of the fight/flight response and totally a thing. I just went to a psychology for lawyers presentation where it was mentioned (really!). As you get your nerves under control and get used to these presentations, hopefully some of your autonomic responses will calm down as well.

  20. Hirsute Homegirl

    So, what do you do about your bikini area in swimsuit season? Is waxing the only option? Do epilators work? I usually shave, but I hate doing that and just try to avoid swimsuits, but that’s not fun either. I have dark hair and a medium complexion. I wish I could be spontaneous about swimming, but I need to prep before I get in a suit.

    • Anon

      I just use a surface level trimmer on the lowest setting only on the parts that will be visible. No one is going to look that closely so a little stubble won’t be noticeable. I avoid shaving to the skin as this creates lots of irritation and razor bumps for some people.

    • Hairy anon

      Just shave the bikini line. I swim a lot and probably swipe a razor along that bit about once every two or three weeks.

    • Anon

      I shave with an electric razor (I got one on Amazon meant for the bikini area) and I love it. No pain, easier than a traditional razor.

    • Anonymous

      I wax but I also have a couple bottoms with boy short style so I can wear those in the grow out period. I really should get around to lasering.

    • Anon12

      I shave. I don’t do electric because I have two small children and don’t want to field any questions about what I’m doing. It does mean that I need some advance notice.

    • Falstaff

      A combination of laser, a swim suit with a little drape over the area (Esther Williams suit, aka the best suit), and not caring if someone catches a glimpse of an errant hair.

    • anonymous

      I use a trimmer. There are a lot of options in the shaving aisle at the store. Shaving makes me incredibly itchy when the hair grows back.

    • Anon

      I shave it when I shave my legs, but I only do the bikini area occasionally or if I know I’m going to be swimming (which I don’t enjoy so this is not often). I’m very prone to ingrowns so no waxing, and I’ve never been motivated enough to even look into laser.

    • Anon

      Laser was life-changing for me. I got horrible in growns with shaving or waxing and was always anxious I’d get an invite and not be ready for it.

    • Anon

      In the summer, or when I swim at the gym, I shave every time I shave my legs or underarms.

    • Is it Friday yet?

      I wax. Dark hair, light skin, and it’s easier and results in less ingrowns than shaving.

    • Sunshine

      At-home sugaring on the bikini line. Easier than wax, both in application and in clean-up.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I wax because I like the look (TMI) but also, in between waxings, I adopt a strong “if you don’t like to see hair, you can look away” attitude.

    • Anon

      Epilators do work, but as an experienced epilator user, you need to build up a tolerance because they’re pretty painful for the uninitiated. I wax and then use the epilator to catch stray hairs and new growth. Once it all starts growing back in thickly, I wax again. I don’t mind the pain anymore, but if you’ve never done it before it’s likely you’ll find it unbearable – it’s worse than waxing. I do exclusively epilate my armpits and it’s pretty much stopped growing back.

  21. Book Recommendations Help

    Book recommendations for junior high school kids?

    I’m mentoring several local 6th – 7th graders (mostly boys in my group, for some reason) this year for monthly book club discussions as part of my firm’s pro bono committee work, and I’d like to propose some books that provide some food for thought. I had the following in mind as a starting point, but would appreciate input / additional suggestions.

    Area is generally underprivileged and schools are not stellar (though not dangerous) and sexist thinking is prevalent (so would like to include something that counters/challenges the status quo notions), if that is a consideration. Thanks in advance!

    – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens
    – Grit (Too adult perspective?)
    – The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (Too adult? I liked Mark Manson’s first ebook, Models, but think it’s maybe too much adult content and ebook was so rampant with grammatical errors that I’m afraid to put it in the hands of a junior high schooler)
    – Brene Brown (Is it appropriate for 6-7th graders?)
    – Freakonomics? Predictably Irrational?
    – Outliers?
    – Harry Potter (pretty sure they only watched the movie, if that)
    – The Relationship Cure (I think it may be too adult — Is there a version / similar book on communication that would be appropriate for kids?)

    • Anonymous

      Freakonomics talks about abortions a lot — to much for me to bring to that population of boys.

      What about: Zero: The Biography of a Dangerous Idea

    • Anonymous

      My seventh-grader would hate all of these books except for Harry Potter, which she would label as too juvenile. She is driven and high-achieving in school and her sport, and even she refuses to read self-help-type books tailored to her specific interests. Her book club reads a mixture of classic literature and current YA novels. I would talk with the school librarian, an English teacher, or a public library children’s librarian for specific suggestions. My standard recommendation for a book that introduces kids this age to identifying themes in literature is A Wrinkle in Time.

      Be prepared for none of the kids to actually read the book. My kid’s book club is composed entirely of high-achieving, highly motivated nerds, and half of them still fail to read the books.

      • Vicky Austin

        +1 to A Wrinkle In Time forever, as you might be able to guess from my handle. Heh. Sequels are also good if the kids can’t get enough and you want to give them recommendations for on their own time.

    • thehungryaccountant

      I would say that most of your list seems to be more in the high-school age appropriate category.
      Here’s what the Denver Public Library on Non-fiction for 6th graders:
      https://kids.denverlibrary.org/booklist/great-nonfiction-books-6th-graders
      Here is Barnes & Nobles recommendation list:
      https://www.barnesandnoble.com/blog/kids/eight-self-help-books-middle-grade-kids/

      I’ve also heard great discussions about The Port Chicago 50, which covers racial injustices in WWII.

    • MomAnon4This

      Highly recommend three sources for you: Author Jon sciezka has a website “guysread dot com” all 1 word with a TON of resources, including anthologies.

      And… Duke’s Talent Identification Program for high-testing 4th-10th graders have a lot of book recommendations.

      Ooo! Another resource: Georgia Center for the Book has 20 books for youth in middle grades that they recommend each year. Your state might have the same. These 20 books are read by the school “Reading Bowl” teams and often added to curriculum, etc. Includes fiction and non. Usually more literary.

      I’d recommend Kwame Alexander, Newbury prize winner, they’re unlikely to read him in school.
      Louis Sachar (Holes, Small Steps, a few others).
      Of course Wonder and the companion book, Auggie and Me.
      Let me think some more… my kid loves to read…

    • MomAnon4This

      Also talk with your sponsoring teachers and stuff. They probably read a lot of nonfiction and need to read for pleasure. So that’s why I’d focus on that.

      If you really want to push skills-oriented non-fiction, be sure to run it by the teachers or program coordinator. I can guarantee you a book with F*#@ in the title (implied or astrixed) is NOT going to fly.

    • Anon

      I think “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” is WAY too adult. It has the (unasterisked, I think) f word constantly, at least in the first few chapters. I quit reading it, in large part because I found the excessive profanity so off-putting (and I swear a lot, or did before we had kids, and don’t think of myself as easily offended). It was just like he was a teenage boy who got off on saying naughty words. They were so unnecessary.

    • anon

      I like Harry Potter on the list. That one pulls a lot of people in and feeds reading habits ,and so many good themes without sugar-coating. It might be more advanced, but Lord of the Rings may also pull in fantasy-lovers. I think that’s the age I was into the Isaac Asimov books, like Foundation Trilogy.

    • Anonymous

      No self help books. The point is to get kids to ENJOY reading, not bore them to death. HP is the only suitable option on your list.

      Are the kids all from the same school? Can you ask the teachers what they’re reading or what they’re going to read this year?

    • Anonymous

      Whale Talk or Stotan by Chris Crutcher, sports fiction books that could be realistic fiction with several themes to explore; they’ve been on the banned books list a couple of times.

      • MomAnon4This

        For sports fiction (not sure if girls like ’em) try Tim Green books. He is a fantastic author and really connects with boys in this age group

      • pugsnbourbon

        Whale Talk is the only book ever that made me laugh out loud and weep within 100 pages.

    • Anokha

      What about YA fiction that discusses social issues? I especially liked “The Hate U Give” and “The Sun is Also A Star” (the latter is a romance, but tackles issues of immigration ).

    • Anon

      I would consider The Hate U Give. It was a very good book, but more YA than some of these on your list.

    • Anonymous

      I teach 6th and 7th grade English. Dan Gemeinhart and Alan Gratz’s books are very popular. In particular, I’d recommend Scar Island and Refugee. Jason Reynolds is great but his books may be a little more challenging. I’d check out his poetry book For Everyone. It’s about how he became a writer, and it checks some of the “inspirational” messaging while still being accessible. Someone else mentioned Kwame Alexander, who’s also great, especially Crossover. Some of his books contain more mature content than others. Ghost Boys and Dear Martin are slightly more accessible than The Hate U Give (thinking of the 6th graders especially), but I’m pretty sure both have strong language. You should definitely preview because it’s hard to say without knowing your audience personally.
      Keep in mind, if you choose anything historical (Alan Gratz, Ghost Boys) you’ll likely need to provide some context before they begin.

  22. Biglaw Arbitration Practice

    Looking for insight about arbitration practice groups in US Biglaw firms, especially the day-to-day of junior associates + qualifications that the firms look for. Is near-native French/Spanish/Portuguese or other specific experience an absolute must? Is it very different from general litigation / is the practice group separate from litigation? Do 1st years do mostly doc review/translation and don’t work on substantove drafting (this has been my experience in a much smaller, non-US market).

    I’m looking into my networks to see if anyone can answer these questions but have not had much luck so far (not in a US law school). Would appreciate any thoughts on the prospect — Thanks in advance!

    • Anonymous

      I work on transactions based on NY law. I don’t ever need native speakers of other languages (we sell securities bought by foreign investors, but documents are all in English).

      I can see how it could be helpful in international trade, dealing with home offices overseas (although these are usually primarily German then Korean then French), or if you did immigration law here. Sort of just the extremes.

    • Equestrian attorney

      I can’t answer your exact question, but I know a number of people doing arbitration for major US firms in Paris, France – because of the ICC, a lot of international firms have arbitration-heavy offices over there. They don’t all have US law degrees, but they all have fairly prestigious degrees and often have an LLM in addition (if non-US law), and typically speak multiple languages (at least French/English). The practice group is clearly separate from general litigation, they do a lot of doc review as first years but eventually move onto drafting etc (like in most large firms everywhere). The compensation is attractive and the work seems interesting, but it’s long hours and high stress, plus the usual biglaw politics.

    • Anon

      Posting late, but hopefully you see this! I was a JD in the US, spent 5years in arbitration BigLaw, have been in another role for a year but am likely returning to BigLaw arbitration soon. If you send a burner email, happy to chat more!

      The answers to your questions will be very dependent on the firm and the particular office. You need to look at each group on its own. The Global Arbitration Review (GAR) is by far the best resource for this. The top 100 firms who do arbitration are listed on the site and have a description of the major work done by that firm (ie does it specialize in investment, commercial or construction? Does it usually represent companies or states? Does it specialize in a certain region?) and who the heavy hitters are.

      My experience is that we looked for good lawyers first (esp writing skills), and languages were a bonus. That said, especially in the Latin America space, there is a premium on native speakers because a lot of those arbitrations are conducted only in Spanish. This is also a very firm / group specific call. Fluency in French would be useful only if that firm is working in cases that have some element of French to them.

      Firms with bigger arbitration practices will often have a separate group for arbitration. If the arbitration group is very small, it’s likely lumped into “international disputes” or something else.

      The type of work you do as a junior also will be very specific to the firm. I got very lucky and did very substantive work from Day 1. Others weren’t as fortunate and it took them longer to get staffed as a key associate on cases.

      Hope this helps, and good luck!

  24. Any moms of older aspy girls?

    Are there any moms here who have older (tween or older) girls who are Aspy? We are thisclose to getting it diagnosed (originally had ADHD, but that didn’t seem to encompass all of her struggles, and as she’s gotten older and socializing is more complex, that seems to fit best with describing her current issues). Advice? She is in a normal public school and we need to decide what is a good placement for middle school (current options are a smaller neighborhood school where she will qualify for advanced classes with 20 kids in a class and some ability to do sports, clubs, etc.; vs a magnet where they take high/average kids but don’t differentiate much and do to bus schedule will have perhaps only theatre options after school, which she currently is meh on). She has been miserable at school this year (BFF transferred out, other kids are teasing much more) but has made a sustained recent effort to “talk to 5 people a day” that she seems to be pleased with (I believe that 90% of kids will talk to you if you talk to them; maybe only 10% are true meanies; neutral to positive social interaction is always good; ability to make small talk is an important life skill).

    I am not freaking out over this and daughter seems relieved. I think she will be able to have a “normal” life and go to a regular college. I think that learning how to interact with people will be harder, but that she is going to be able to handle that.

    Thoughts? Advice? Thank you!

    • anon

      while the mom’s site tends to lean towards younger kids, i would cross post on the mom’s site too. i’m a bit confused about the difference between the two schools. if the smaller neighborhood school has advanced classes what makes the magnet one better?

      • Anonymous

        Done!

        I think that in the large urban public school system, having a floor to get in to a magnet makes it easier to offer advanced classes b/c some kids are screened out. OTOH, b/c it is a county-wide program, means the bell times are 1.5 hours later to allow for lengthy urban bus commutes for some kids. So “better” may be that it gets your kids with sterotypically “nerdier” personalities who are from academically-focused families. In our ‘hood, many parents are already like that and most kids are on grade level, so I don’t see the magnet as a huge plus. If having a social reset is important (which I see how it can be, regardless of if one is aspy or not), both schools draw from larger pools than the small elementary school, but at the magnet, only 10-20 kids max will be from the same elementary school.

    • Anonymous

      Not a parent, but a general suggestion is to have her get to know and interact with other kids her age and adults who are on the Autism spectrum. There are so many advantages to knowing people with the same disability/diagnosis from autism-specific advice from people who get it because they live it to advocacy and socialization. A good resource is the Autism Self Advocacy Network.

  25. Anon

    Anyone else getting blocked by Posh sellers when you ask basic questions? I guess they don’t like people calling them out for trying to be deceptive. I hate how in today’s world, folks think they can just “block out” anything they see as negativity. It is so juvenile. That’s my rant for today.

    • Anon

      On the other hand, why subject yourself to more negativity than already exists in the world? You’re a stranger on the internet; they have no obligation to you.

  26. anon

    Is nude hosiery becoming a thing again? Recently I’ve noticed several women my age have started wearing nude pantyhose. And, it does look more polished and nicer than going bare-legged, especially when the mornings are still cold. I guess I was just surprised because I haven’t worn hose since my first professional job in, say, 2002? I admittedly am more of a pants person than skirts/dresses, though.

    • Anonymous

      I wear hose all the time. 29, lawyer, Midwest (where some wear it and others don’t). I am super pale so even nude shoes looked funny on me, but I also run cold and wear dresses/skirts all the time. I wear black tights every day in the winter except for a rare pants day, but in the summer, I buy nylons in bulk.

    • anon

      Somewhat weather dependent….In Northeast and I tan very well but until it warms up I wear black tights or nude hose – just looks much more polished. When I travel to the South and especially the hottest cities (Houston), I don’t wear any hose and don’t care whether I am a tad pale as I noticed that no one wears hose whether they are tan or not because its just too HOT.

    • Vicky Austin

      I wear either tights or hose pretty much every day (pants or skirts) because I hate wearing shoes with naked feet. Sometimes that means nude hose, particularly if my outfit doesn’t have any black in in (thus black tights would look odd). I only have one pair at the moment, but I was thinking of buying another this summer.

    • Hermione

      I never do bare legs for work (except very occasionally on a Friday). I am based in Scotland where we wear black tights all year round, so the nude tights only come out for fancy events or if I have to go to London in summer… but yes, I wear thin nude tights on those occasions. SO much cooler than bare legs in summer, and it really helps with the chub rub situation.

    • Ducky36

      I always wear nude hose with skirts or dresses at work. I have fair skin and feel self conscious about veins and spots. Also, I think it just looks more professional with a suit. Attorney, mid 30’s, California.

    • Anonymous

      Nude hose or tights every day for work. Agree with poster on bare feet in shoes–don’t like it. Hose make me feel more put together and confident. Wear them year round–amazing how helpful they are in A/C in the Summer. Also wear knee high nude hose under pants–don’t like bare feet in shoes.

    • Is it Friday yet?

      I wear hose spring and fall, when it’s too cold to go bare-legged, and too warm for black/grey tights (my winter go-tos). I’m wearing it today, and it’s really nice to be able to wear a navy dress and not worry about coordinating with black tights. It’s too hot during the summer, though I’m probably supposed to wear it. Northeast, healthcare.

      • Ouch! That hurts

        +1 Houston, medical field, PH.D. Professional … team hosiery! an old/og

    • lawsuited

      If I’m wearing a navy dress and my bare legs will be cold, I wear nude pantyhose.

    • No Problem

      I don’t think it every really went away, but I have pretty much stopped wearing them. I hate how constricting they feel, how they roll down at the waist, and how they make my feet sweaty, and avoid tights for the same reason. I actually managed to go the whole winter without tights or hose (I wore skirts with knee high boots and just wore pants if it was too cold for a skirt). My mom wears nude hose all the time, including under her pants as an extra layer in the winter.

    • Anon

      I feel like circa 2006, nobody wore nude hosiery and it was considered outdated, but it’s been getting popular again and I do wear it from time to time.

    • Never too many shoes...

      My law firm has two seasons – black tights and bare legs. Looking around, that is pretty universal in Toronto.

  27. Anonymous

    To what extent do you allocate travel dollars such that you forego other things including basics in order to travel? I have a friend who comments ALL the time re needing basic things and either they cost too much or she just doesn’t want to spend. We’re talking – winter coat; sheets; a bedside table etc. Yet this same friend – on a non profit salary, no trust fund or spouse to contribute salary – has been on 4-5 vacations in other 12 months. We’re talking Europe, Caribbean, high end resorts in Scottsdale etc. I know a lot of travel these days is on deals, on points etc but there’s no way any trip costs less than a set of sheets or winter coat — I mean your travel to/from the airports will cost more than that; and she will definitely spend $ on alcohol etc when she’s there so she’s not exactly cutting back.

    Anyone else set up their lives that way? If so, why? I know travel is enriching but IDK – it’d be depressing to come back at age 40 (this isn’t a 21 yr old just out of dorm living) and feel like you don’t have basics. I smile and nod with my friend because I have a – don’t discuss money policy. But I just don’t get it and it’s getting tiresome to listen when I’m thinking — just cut out one trip, it’ll free up a few thousand dollars and then go buy what you need.

    • Anon

      Yeah, someone who is that extreme about it would get tiresome. I’m all for prioritizing spending on the things you love, but you also need bedsheets and dishes and unglamorous items to live your life. If she really comments that frequently, I would probably make one comment to the effect of “Hey, you probably don’t realize it, but you’re complaining a lot about not wanting to spend money on basic things. Can we change the subject?” and then hang out with her less if nothing changes.

    • Anon

      Yeah, this is crazy and I’d be annoyed listening to her complain about not being able to afford things. I think I spend more on a travel than most people ($20-30k/year on a $150k household income), but we contribute a lot to retirement up front and pay for all our essential expenses before we even think of using money for travel. It’s just that most of what’s leftover goes to travel.

    • Anon

      It’s all about priorities. I lean more towards spending my money on flights and hotels than fancy sheets. I know I can but a $30 or $200 sheet set, so I just but the cheap set and save my money. However, I don’t complain about not having the basics. That’s insane and annoying.

    • Anon

      There are people, many of whom are extraordinarily nice, who behave in extremely counterproductive ways. This isn’t someone who is travelling instead of buying a house or a nicer car. My guess is that she needs glamour in her life, which she can’t afford on a non-profit salary, so she gets her fix via expensive vacations. Then she comes back to a tiny apartment without an end table, feels bad about it, and plans another trip.

      Some people just aren’t happy earning an okay living, having an okay apartment, and having great friends and family.

      • Anonymous

        I think you hit the nail on the head. I have a friend also in non profits who is very similar to OP’s friend — we met in biglaw, and she travels more than and more lavishly than we ever did as biglaw associates (though there is it was more a time issue). She just CANNOT travel with any “cheaper” option — like if it’s down to a 4.5 star vs. a 4 star in Hawaii, she MUST choose the 4.5 star even if it’ll be an extra $500 for the week at a marginally better place; $200-300 dinners often just for her because if she travels with non profit friends, often they’ll say no to going; if she gets to a place and realizes there are views — she’ll upgrade even if the hotel says an upgrade will cost an extra $200. And then yeah — she complains about very ordinary regular purchases like gloves or sweaters or whatever. I have always felt she was running from something as she is always saying she deserves the splurge; she NEEDS the trip. And like you said, she comes back from one trip and is planning the next one.

        I assume a lot of this travel is on points, but she tells me she is using her biglaw savings too — because she deserves it, saving/investing more isn’t necessary and won’t make her happy etc. Eventually the biglaw money will run out (she was only there for 5 years, we’re not talking partner level money), and if the habits continue I can see credit card debt in the future. I think you’re right — some people just need lavish glamour in her life, as much as she’s bought into the non profit life — she is FOREVER commenting on how much hedge fund folks, law partners etc. make so she clearly notices money. I guess this allows her to live that life 5 days at a time.

        • Anon

          “I guess this allows her to live that life 5 days at a time.”

          Exactly. Some people need a shiny life.

      • Lana Del Raygun

        I bet it’s either this, or she’s not actually having problems affording her sheets but she just likes to complain. I think my SIL is like this; she thinks of complaining as a sort of sociable activity, the way people in some areas will always gripe about the weather, except about more topics and for longer. But if you suggest solutions she won’t take them, because it doesn’t genuinely bother her.

      • Anonymous

        If I needed glamour in my life, I’d honestly go some place like Vegas over and over. The hotels place SUCH a premium on return visitors and having only been once I am constantly getting deals from the Bellagio to stay in nicer and nicer rooms/suites at cheaper prices. I imagine once you’ve gone 2-3 times, there’s even more of that. Go live the high roller life for a week 3-4 times per year, the hotels will keep upgrading you to keep coming back and eventually you’ll rack up enough frequent flyer miles to where you’re not even really paying for flights anymore.

    • Anonymous

      We spend a lot on travel. I have 7 year old winter coat, an Ikea nightstand and a 10 year old car. Both are functional/clean etc but not chic as those things aren’t a priority with I can buy a plane ticket to somewhere new. But I don’t complain about my own spending choices. The issue isn’t that she spends on travel, it’s that she complains about her own spending choices. Don’t really know how to respond to someone who doesn’t take ownership of their own spending choices.

      • Anonymous

        To each their own and as long as you’re not complaining, you do what makes you happy. But for me personally I just don’t understand WHY an adult wants a 7 year old coat or Ikea furniture over age 30 JUST SO they can save some extra $ for travel. I get it — travel is fun, after I go, I’m always happy that I went. But IDK I wear my coat and use my furniture EVERY DAY and that trip to Hawaii or Germany or wherever will be over in 5 days. I just don’t get the calculus that makes it worth it to forego the best daily items/conveniences for 5 days once a week or even once a quarter.

        • Anonymous

          Cause my black Lands End knee length parka is still perfectly functional and it seems like a waste to replace a perfectly good piece of clothing. It’s not super chic but I don’t really care. Solid wood Ikea nightstand was perfectly functional when I bought it years ago and I don’t see the need to replace.

          Travel isn’t just the few days you are there. It’s the weeks spent reseach and learning about another country, it’s history, art and culture, and outdoor sports. It’s the experience of it and it’s the fantastic memories of the great times and the hilarious stories from the misadventures. We also travel at least 4 weeks a year (not in one block) so it’s way more than 5 days.

          Plus research backs up spending on experiences over ‘stuff’ – “Recent research from San Francisco State University found that people who spent money on experiences rather than material items were happier and felt the money was better spent.” https://www.forbes.com/sites/ilyapozin/2016/03/03/the-secret-to-happiness-spend-money-on-experiences-not-things/#3a4c41af39a6

        • Anon

          Because once your “stuff” is at a certain level of functional and attractive, it does not much matter. Or it would cost so very much to upgrade the “stuff” in a way that is pleasing, that no one really wants to do that.

        • SC

          Eh, I’m over 30 and push back on the constant “need” to upgrade items. I wear my clothes until they can’t be worn anymore. I purchase kids’ clothes on consignment, and almost all of my furniture is used (from family and from garage sales and Facebook marketplace). I drive a 15 year old car. I do my best to repair items and keep them going instead of replacing them. Some of this is worrying about the environmental impact of constantly throwing away the old and replacing with new, some of it is fun (my husband and I enjoy weekend projects of repairing stuff or refinishing furniture), and some of it is frugality/priorities (who’s going to know if my son is wearing last year’s sweater to daycare?).

    • Anon

      That would annoy me and get really tiring. I prioritize travel, but not to that extent. So, in contrast, I bring my lunch to work pretty much every day, don’t have a house keeper, spend less on clothing, etc. But that just sounds crazy

    • Anonymous

      Alternative view- having worked at nonprofits my entire career, she may have figured out ways to game the system and not pay for any of her travel. I’ve been at 2 very small nonprofits that either linked my org card with my SSN and gave me the travel points, or another that had me pay out of pocket for everything including phone, health, and dental, and reimbursed me. That was fine with me-more points. I always use my own FF numbers for work travel, more points. She might also get free hotel nights if she books her nonprofit’s travel. I had something like 3 months of free travel nights accumulated because I used to book my small nonprofit’s travel all through my account. As long as I used at least one free night a year, they didn’t expire. I still have about a week left, and they date from 2012-2015. That’s through hotels.com.

      • Anonymous

        Well then she wouldn’t be complaining about regular costs of living right — like sheets or whatever. If you can travel a ton for free/nearly free, that’s great. But it’s not nearly free if it’s costing you enough that you then complain about needing a winter coat for all of $100 or $200 as a 40+ year old attorney.

  28. Anonymous

    What to do? My partner’s mom is overly critical of him in all aspects of his life, and she recently announced he can’t attend her wedding unless he loses enough weight to placate her. He is somewhat overweight (wears an XL), and she knows he’s been working on fitness. He lost 20 lbs this year so far! Rather than encourage him, she says its not enough. Over the weekend, I was livid to learn she told him that his attendance at her upcoming wedding is contingent on more weight loss-that he will be an embarrassment at her wedding at his current size. Keep in mind she actually had a civil wedding to his stepfather, and she now wants a church wedding.

    I say, we shouldn’t go, period. It is unreasonable and extremely hurtful for his invite to depend on his physical appearance. Also, I myself am cusp-sized. I feel like asking her if I need to lose weight to attend, too. She made this ultimatum when I wasn’t present. Typically, his mom loves me. She is clearly a narcissist, and I don’t know how I can help. My partner is pretty devastated and taking this hard. How can I support him? Should I suggest he nor I attend? I haven’t made suggestions yet as he is devastated, and I’m not even sure what to say other than “your mom is crazy, and you know this”.

    • Senior Attorney

      I think “your mom is crazy, and you know this” pretty much hits the nail on the head. But also “I know this is horribly painful for you and I am so so sorry.” And also “Of course neither of us is going to this wedding regardless of our weight.”

      Ugh. So sorry.

    • Diana Barry

      Neither of you should go. Also, therapy and maybe that adult children of narcissists book? Sorry, she sounds like quite a peach!

    • Anon

      Wow, f&ck her. Seriously. I would celebrate her wedding by eating a ton of junk food and not working out.

      • Vicky Austin

        Honestly, even though it’s probably long-term not remotely helpful for husband’s relationship with mom, same. I’d be at that wedding, wearing whatever I wanted, eating cake like it’s going out of style, and if she tried to say anything to me or my husband, I’d plaster on a big grin and say, “We’re just so excited to be here celebrating you!” In a dream world where I stand up to all the nasties. Anyway.

        Good for you for supporting your husband, OP, whether that be in his endeavors to lose weight or in his probably damaged self-worth from his relationship with this woman.

    • NYNY

      My husband’s mother is an abusive narcissist, and this totally sounds like something she would say. as far as supporting him, the most important thing you can do is listen to him and support whatever he decides to do, even if you don’t agree with it and even if what he decides changes over time.

      DH went no-contact with his mom about a year ago, and it has been a relief most of the time. But he still wrestles with guilt over the decision. My job is to listen to him, ask if he’s still sure about the right path, and support whatever he says.

    • Anon

      Support him either way. I generally lean towards not attending in those circumstances, but if he wants to go (or crash), accompany him with a smile on your face.

      Remind him that you love him and support him unconditionally, and that this is a “her” problem and not a “him” problem.

  29. JuniorMinion

    I just did this.

    In lieu of a deadlift platform we just put 3/4″ plywood covered with horse stall mats from tractor supply for the floor.
    I have a titan x-3 power rack, texas power bar, 450# of bumpers / metal plates (fringesport), a rogue echo assault bike, powerblock adjustable dumbbells and an adjustable bench + some other accoutrements.

    Recommend you check out r/homegym – they are pretty helpful over there.

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