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Workwear sales of note for 3.24.23:
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything
- Athleta – 20% off shorts, swim, linen & more
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 15% off purchase
- Boden – Up to 50% off
- Brooks Brothers – Clearance styles to 70% off. Some pretty serious markdowns!
- Express – 40% off dresses & tops
- J.Crew – 25% off your purchase; up to 50% off special-occasion styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 15% off 3 styles; extra 20% off 4 styles; extra 50% off clearance
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
- Talbots – 25% off select styles; 25% off markdowns
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- What are your favorite parts of a typical day?
- At what point in your life (age, income level, whatever) were you able to take an annual vacation?
- What shoes can I keep at the office to go for mid-day walks (that go with everything)?
- How do you release stress or trauma that’s stored in the body?
- What are the best “networking for women events” you’ve ever been to?
- I feel like we’re burning through any savings we acquire…
- I hate my job and make 30% of what DH makes – should I quit?
- What do you keep in your office?
Lana Del Raygun
This looks like outerwear to me, not a blazer.
Yes. It has a pea coat type look.
Also–arms are too short. Also, I’m pretty sure you can find this pattern in thrift stores. Chic is not what I’d use to describe it.
I think it would look fine indoors in fall/winter, especially with something lighter than a turtleneck underneath. It’s basically just a double breasted blazer.
I’m sweating just looking at this photo.
I’m going to MetLife on Saturday for the Taylor Swift concert. I’m in lower Connecticut and this is the first time I’m coming from and going back to CT after a concert there (usually stay with friends in NJ). I know we could take the train from CT to Grand Central then Penn Station to Secaucus and then the shuttle from there to MetLife. But I think after the concert we might be regretting that because it would take so long. So I was thinking of just driving and parking at MetLife. Alternatively, we might want to spend a few hours in Manhattan before the show, in which case I was thinking of driving to and parking at Secaucus, taking the train into Manhattan for a few hours, then taking the trains to Secaucus and Metlife for the show, then back to Secaucus after the show. Is the train from Metlife back to Secaucus an absolute nightmare after the show? Anything I’m missing about these plans? They are also doing the clear bag policy for this show, which I’ve never experienced. How strict is this? I dont think any of my small clutches fit within the listed requirements. I was thinking of getting a cheap clear on off Amazon?
Buy a clear bag they are very strict.
Parking in Seacaucus is a reasonable plan. The train back is very crowded but also festively full of T Swift Fans!
Would not train all the way back to CT. Connections slow that time of night will take forever.
Not sure of your budget, but it might be worth it (cheaper or worthwhile in terms of sleep!) to stay at a nearby hotel. Drive to the hotel, park, use their shuttle to take the train into the City and then uber or see if they run a shuttle from the venue back to the hotel.
I would not take the train back to CT that will be a loooong night, but hey, if you’ve got more energy/patience than I do go for it!
I took my 8 year old to TS in Columbus, OH, which had a strict clutches or wallets only policy. I am 7 mos pregnant, but it was still worthwhile for us to drive the 1.5 hours home that night (us and all of our closest friends did the same.)
I’d stay in a hotel. That is going to be one heck of a journey home. You could always do a hotel in the city – if it’s a weeknight rates might be a little lower. Or, car service. I’ve seen several people do that. You can always sleep in the back!
Linda from HR
Yeah, lots of venues are adopting bag policies like this and in my experience they’re very strict about it – not MetLife specifically, I’ve never been there, but the venues around Boston and Worcester that have bag policies enforce them pretty strictly, and I’ve had to turn around and go back to the car twice in the last two years and reconfigure my stuff. It’s probably worth buying a bag that complies, because you’ll probably need it at other shows in the future.
I recently went to a show that allowed clear bags, small clutches, and fanny packs. I bought a fanny pack off Amazon and have no regrets, so if that’s one of the allowed bags, I recommend it.
I had to check my bag when I went to T Swift in Seattle in May. It was pretty easy to do, but it was one of a couple of factors that led to me leaving before the concert was over. I didn’t want to be in line forever to pick it up. It was actually pretty nice not having any bag to worry about! I would try to just bring cash, cards, and your phone in your pockets.
Sorry, might be a little late on this, but have you heard of Rally Bus? http://rallybus.net/. Essentially, if enough people sign up to go to an event from a particular location, they will arrange a chartered bus and you buy tickets. Could be a good option!
Grrrrr – I tried to order a bunch of stuff from the NAS all day Thursday and Friday and it was too glitchy to get through, and now EVERYTHING I HAD IN MY CART is sold out! Will it come back into stock before the end of the sale?
Yes, I think they restock a lot of things when the sale opens to the public. Def keep checking back.
Unfortunately, this has not been my experience in the past. They didn’t restock, but someone might return something so if you happened to catch it during the brief window, you might be in lock. I lost out on a pair of shoes and was looking for months after – they never popped up again except in one-offs of a different size, which I’m pretty sure was a return.
The trick is to save things in your wishlist/cart even if they aren’t the color/size you want. When it’s in your cart/wishlist, you can check if there are more sizes available every so often. If only 1 of an item is in their system, it often won’t update on the item page, but will show as available in your cart/wishlist. So order it from there as the items come in and are returned by the early access people.
+1 Getting the stuff in your wishlist / saved for later cart is key. Then you have to check back to see if there’s been a return/restock of the size/color you need. Sometimes they change an item to “SOLD OUT”, which IME means it’s gone for the remainder of the NAS. I often find the NAS items do come back a few months later in the fall sale at the NAS price or better. It’s a gamble though.
I am a slow shopper…. I like to hold things in my cart for awhile and keep going back to make sure I really want them. Usually a bad idea for the Nordstrom’s sale, as the things I choose tend to sell out. But often that helps me decide which ones I really wanted…. how sad am I when they are now gone ? ;)
Sure enough, all but one thing I like is now sold out.
What I find is that many of the items are returned because they didn’t fit other purchasers, so if you keep checking your cart they will re-appear as in stock.
For the Nordstrom’s sale, it is usually best to just buy everything you like up front, get a lot of points, and then return whatever doesn’t work for you. Buying piecemeal later gets you fewer points, since you can only choose one day as your triple points (or 10 points!) day.
I don’t totally understand the 10-points thing. Can I still use a 10-points day now, even if already I placed an order (with a different card)?
I think it was only if you made an order prior to the 12th, when they were having issues with the website. So you can only get the 10 points day if you were luckier than me and put in your order early (!). You also need to have used the Nordstrom’s card.
Here’s what the email I got on July 12th stated:
“On behalf of our entire team at Nordstrom, I’d like to apologize for the issues you may have experienced on our site today. We know we disappointed many of you and we’re sorry for the inconvenience.
Because you’re one of our most loyal customers, we’re giving you 10 points per net dollar on purchases made with your Nordstrom credit or debit card at Nordstrom stores, on Nordstrom.com or our app through Thursday, July 12, at 11:59pm Pacific Time.*
If you’ve already made a purchase, we’ll automatically take care of this for you, including purchases made during Level 4 Pre-shop.** Also, if you’ve already scheduled a Personal Triple Points Day for July 11 or 12, we’ll credit this back to your account for you to use another day.†
Got it, so if I placed an order early but used a different card, no luck?
I didn’t get that email and I made a purchase on the 12th. What gives?
Maybe you unsubscribed from emails?
Just give them a call a reference the offer that I posted in quotes.
Tell them that you placed your order on (whatever day before or on the 12th) with your Nordstrom’s card (if all of that is true) and ask if you were credited for that purchase as your 10 point day?
No luck, I’m afraid…
Things will come back in stock and now returns are popping back, so stalk the items you like online.
I am going to be on a boat (catamaran) in Miami in a couple of weeks for 5 hours (2 to 7pm) for a bachelorette. This is my first time doing something like this and I am excited and a little nervous. What do I bring? I am prone to seasickness, so I will take a bonine before the trip. I’ll have a bathing suit, cover up, towel, hat, sunscreen, and snacks. Anything else?
That will be really fun! Catamarans feel ‘safer’ to me than smaller sailboats and have a different rocking motion that doesn’t trigger as much seasickness. I’d add some bobby pins or a clip to keep your hair out of your face if you have smaller pieces that might blow in your eyes.
Bring some lip balm with SPF. The only time I’ve ever managed to sunburn my lips has been while sailing, and while I enjoyed a day of having Jenner-esque lips, I did not enjoy the subsequent blistering and peeling. Re-apply facial sunscreen and lip balm, even if you’re wearing a hat – the reflectiveness of the water means that you’ll get extra rays up on your face from below.
High spf lipbalm
Depending on the weather, it could be very windy. Even if it’s hot out, if it’s windy, you may want to be covered, so bring casual-cozy clothes to layer over your swimsuit, like a long sleeve t-shirt (with a hood is great if your ears ring in the wind) and a pair of nylon shorts (and use the blanket to wrap around your legs as needed).
I’d bring a long sleeved sun shirt (like a UV protective type shirt). The sun is strong on the water.
YMMV on this as with all seasickness recommendations in my experience, but…I pretty much swear by ginger pills for motion sickness now (and I am super sensitive). I take 2 every 2 hours or so and it works as well as the OTC meds, but no drowsiness. I think there was a study a while back that showed ginger was as effective as dramamine.
That’s all you need. It’s only 5 hours. You’ll be fine.
Sensible, flat shoes, unless you plan to remove your shoes. No heels, no cute espadrille sky high wedges. As close as you can get to flats.
No dark soled shoes.
Where do adults buy sweatpants? I’ve had the same 4 pairs since I was a teenager and they are officially too full of holes to wear even around the house.
American Giant and Uniqlo are my favorites
+1 to American Giant!
Target or Old Navy. Maybe even Kohls.
Athleta! I swear by the city joggers. If you’re tall and perhaps still built like a lanky teenager, H&M.
Ouch! That hurts
LLB for those that have “open” non-elastic hems on the legs
Gap. I love their loungewear.
+1 to the Gap. And I find a lot of their lounge wear in the sale rack.
LandsEnd for comfort. Substantial fabric and run large. They won’t be your lightest/thinest PJs, but they are great. Nordstrom has some cute things right now.
A huge thank you to the poster(s) that have turned me on to fitness blender. I love love their workouts and have been able to do at least one everyday without getting bored. I actually look forward to doing them!
Me too! This is the first workout I’ve been able to stick with. and it’s amazing that’s it’s free.
Anyone here in the Junior League? What has your experience been? Is it very expensive to be a member? I had requested information from my local chapter a while ago and they e-mailed me today with upcoming events for prospective members.
I am in a mid sized southern city. Most of the members are professional women. Dues are $300 ish and then there are several large fundraisers (say, a co ck tail party where the tickets are $50 each, plus silent auction items if you want to buy those, one that’s more geared towards children in the community and isn’t very expensive to participate in, and one where you sell discount shopping tickets that are like $25 each, and you’re supposed to buy at least one ticket plus sell some).
We also have more small financial asks of members, like a pajama drive and a book drive for a local impoverished elementary school, throughout the year. For a couple years we were partnered with the food bank, and could bring canned goods to each meeting.
That said, we have a wide range of members, so those who can’t donate a lot of money or items can volunteer their time. There’s a place for everyone.
This has been discussed a lot on here if you do a search. Experience, membership makeup, and cost vary by chapter. If you post what city you are looking in, people can give you a more accurate assessment.
I am in the Detroit Area.
The Detroit one is pretty clique-y and self serving. I would look to it as a social club with a loose volunteer aspect. If you are joining to made a tangible impact I would volunteer directly with an org.
Hi Hi Hi
I joined the League of Women Voters in January. I’ve been shocked about how active and meaningful the work is. It skews older, but there are more and more younger folks joining (and the seniorstateswomen are… incredibly impressive).
I am in Jr. League in a SEUS city, and I am enjoying it so far. This is my third active year, so fourth year total including my provisional year. Our chapter focuses a lot on leadership and training women to be in leadership, and a lot of our members are professional women (though there are definitely some ladies who lunch mixed in there). Our chapter’s programming also focuses on helping women and children. I.e. we sponsor fellowships for women entrepreneurs, give grants to other organizations that help women such as sexual assault units of hospitals, run a diaper bank, host annual training for boards of directors, etc. I think the programming is a big part of why I like it and am proud to be in our league, and so I would look to see what types of programs your local chapter supports and if it’s something you can get behind.
If you are in DC, the JLW is awesome! It is about 50% lawyers though (a feature or a bug, depending). I miss it terribly. I’m a sustainer now in the JL of a large SEUS city.
BigLaw Equity Partner
In my experience it is very expensive. I was in Boston and London. Each year ran North of $500 in dues and “required” contributions. There was something distasteful about “buying” the right to volunteer. And as for leadership, I’ve had better experiences in other settings. In London, it was a great way to connect with expats. In Boston, it was endless committee meetings or provisional group where almost no one would show up, teleconferences where the leader would join 15-20 minutes late _every week_ and batchelor auctions for early 20-somethings. No thanks. I truly felt at the end of the year that I’d have made a much better impact writing a check to an organization I cared about. The junior league is _full_ of leaders, but if everyone’s a leader, you have a highly multi-layered organization with not a lot getting done, because it has to go through the layers above. The most meaningful parts for me were DIADs (done-in-a-day) where you would go and do hands-on-charity. I joined in Boston to make new friends/broaden social circle, and since no one ever showed up in my provisional class, that was a huge bust. In London, I did make good friends, and joined specifically for that.
I quit mine this year. They wanted to charge me full dues and contributions to be “inactive” this year (gunning for a promotion, so I won’t have time). I didn’t find it was helpful for me to make many friends either, it seemed most women joined with friends and stuck to the people they already knew.
Not Legal Counsel
I am in the Junior League (currently a governing board ad hoc member) in my small city, and I am in my third active year. I love it. I joined the year I moved to my current city, and that is how I met some of my very best new friends. The cost is about $200 per year, plus some ticket purchase requirements for our fundraiser. I highly recommend giving it a try. I am not a society person, and I’ve never witnessed any pearl-clutching for new and innovative ideas. We get a lot of good done for our members and our community.
Anon for this
I am in a small-to-midsize SEUS city. I quit the JL after one year. Meetings on top of pointless meetings. A meeting to plan the planning meeting, that kind of thing. Only about 20% of the (absolutely staggering) amount of time required was actually spent on meaningful volunteer work. They loved the word “mandatory” and loved to boss people around. It was actually a lot like my college sorority, which I loved, but that’s when I was 20 and still had a tolerance for being told what to do. Also when I was 20 I was clueless and appreciated the guidance. Now it’s just patronizing. They sent a lot of emails with bold and all caps about the IMPORTANT MANDATORY MEETING that must be attended with NO EXCUSES… I am not here for that. The last straw for me was when one of these “mandatory meetings” was a speaker who gave a presentation on stress management. You know what would help me manage my stress? Not being at this stupid meeting….
A big “however”– my best friend is in JL in DC and loves it. I think they do a much better job of using your time wisely. I think it varies greatly from city to city. I would try to get some specific advice about the one in your city.
I am in my first sustaining year of a League in the SEUS. I have loved my experience and served on the board, management team, and nominating committee (an elected postion) during my 8 active years. Dues are close to $200 and there are several fundraisers throughout the year, including tickets to events, donating to causes, purchasing “swag” and making asks for donations, either in-kind or in cash.
It can be very time consuming and I found during my last year, I did not have the time to contribute the way I wanted. In any event, it was a fulfilling experience for me, a great way to meet and work with other movers and shakers in my city and to learn valuable skills that can go on a resume (e.g. fundraising, budgeting, communications, etc.).
I’m the poster who asked about indicting Russians that we cannot extradite to the US. I posted the comment and then couldn’t follow up, sorry for seeming t r o l l ish but I am actually wondering what benefit there is? As a former sysadmin I found the computer details fascinating but I am also kind of fighting investigation fatigue and wishing something would actually happen, like someone going to actual prison and Putin’s fingers out of our electoral system.
They can’t travel here or to any country that will extradite them and any assets they have in the use could potentially be seized.
This is pretty good actually. It does shake things up a little.
I’m not thoroughly familiar, but I think the symbolism (?) is important too … like it’s a factual counterpoint to anyone who believes that election meddling is “fake news” or an acceptable practice as long as it benefits Trump.
I have a dim hope that it’s just a starting point/stepping stone — now that these people/acts have been clearly acknowledged maybe collaborators will be identified or preventative measures enacted to keep this from happening in the future.
Need a pep talk/ kick in the pants. I’ve been unhappy at my job since we moved to mostly open office space 6 weeks ago. I’ve been trying to give it a chance and find ways to adapt, but I am exhausted all the time by the constant interruptions, noise, and visual noise around me. My productivity has tanked, and I come home moody and too tired to spend much quality time with my husband.
I had no meetings on my calendar today, so I took a personal day. I’m going shopping for the first half of the day, ecause my work clothes need a serious refresh. And I’m going to start updating my resume this afternoon.
I still love what I do. I manage a team of people I enjoy mentoring. But the open space is killing me. Please tell me it’s okay to start looking for a new job.
I give you permission. What you’re doing now isn’t working for you, so change it.
wish me luck the same to you
As someone with a secret interview today in a similar I-love-my-job-but-X-is-killing-me situation. Do. It.
Good luck! You’ve got this!
Beware…many offices are going to open spaces. Even my LEGAL department at a F500, is considering it…
+1 – signed, attorney at F50 company in an open floor plan
I’m aware of the trend, but it’s uncommon in my industry. I’m in hospital finance, and it’s rare to have as large a corporate office as my current organization has. I can also move from finance to operations, where I would work on a hospital campus.
I get it
I also work in Hospital Finance and would flip out, too. I’m 49 years old and have had my own office since graduating from college except for one stint where I shared an open space with an almost completely quiet, 65 year old accounting assistant. That was mostly fine because I worked part-time. Any other personality or the addition of another person would have made it extremely difficult.
Good luck. I hope you can transfer.
My legal department is also moving to open offices. I’m pretty upset about it and can’t really fathom how it is going to work. I’ve worked in a cubicle before and didn’t last one year before I had to get out of there. This new space for my legal department doesn’t even have cubicle walls! Just desks. Nowhere to store papers or books or anything. I’m trying to stay calm because I really like my job, but I’m worried. Honestly, my main hope is that it fails spectacularly so we can eventually move back to offices.
Yeah, I honestly don’t know how business think a legal department can function without offices, or at least storage areas and privacy walls. That let’s you know that businesses really and truly don’t know how many of their departments work.
Okay, you don’t want to give me storage for important documents? Fine, then if gossipy Jill from finance sees a sexual harassment filing that you were proofreading and didn’t have a space to put while you went to get coffee, and spreads the news, its the business’ fault. Like seriously, if a job involves sensitive and legally privileged information, the professionals need private spaces!
Let’s not talk about the acrylic desks with no bottom partition coverings so now the women’s dress is also dictated.
Yea I really don’t understand how this works for legal departments. I guess it could work if it was just the legal department in a room and others didn’t have access, but it just seems like a bad idea.
+1 I also don’t know how a legal department can function without offices with doors that you can close when making phone calls. I’m in-house at major hospital system, and everyone in my office spends a fair amount of time on the phone – open office would be untenable. We’re all annoyed enough that half of the offices don’t have windows.
In my town, I have many times overheard things I don’t think I should have been overhearing from lawyers on the phone in Starbucks. I always judged, but now I’m wondering if they were just picking and choosing who their audience would be.
11:37 here – I’m also in-house at a large healthcare organization and am on the phone all day dealing with very sensitive issues. And the floor is not just going to be the legal department – it’s kind of a mix with some lawyers and others in various management positions.
Hearing people talk about it, they take on some kind of strange …. almost like, zealotry about the whole thing and how great it is going to be now that we are breaking down (literal) barriers.
Good for you, for taking care of yourself today. And, by all means, don’t feel beholden to stay in a situation that isn’t working for you.
Must agree; my F200 legal department made the change earlier this year, and this is the second job I’ve been in where the entire company has gone this route (not the reason I left the earlier job). There are significant RE savings to be had, so companies are not going to ignore the trend…so look carefully!
It might be hard to find a space that isn’t open office, just be warned.
+1- if that’s the only reason to move, you’d be better off starting your own business where you control the real estate decisions. IME most open plan places also get more flexible with face time and employees go elsewhere to get work done (nearby coffee shop, work from home), see if that may work for you.
I’ve suspected that the new space would eventually force a wfh conversation, but I don’t plan to passively wait for it. The VPs have offices, so they are not experiencing the same stress. And they have been firmly against wfh in the past. I think an exodus of talent is what pushes that decision. I may be part of the exodus.
I think an open plan would be a deal breaker for me. And I’m pretty social.
As an alternative view, six weeks isn’t very long. It could be a hump that you eventually get over.
I’m a doctor. When I am seeing patients in outpatient clinic, or in the hospital, we are constantly crammed into tiny communal work rooms that are loud, poorly laid out, and can be filled with doctors/residents/students/nurses/ etc… and we have to constantly working on the most intimate of issues and making phone calls about this. I often have to carry my belonging with me from place to place. Bags/coats etc.. It certainly stinks.
It’s amazing what you can tune out when you have to. It’s a real skill.
Ugh. I went through this same thing. I ended up asking HR if there was a conference room or hotel office I could use for sensitive calls or big projects. That helped, but I still lost tons of productivity during the day.
Hoping to get the advice of the wise women here on a job hunting dilemma. I’m currently in the beginning process of networking and job hunting. A very close personal friend reached out to one of his colleagues to get the contact info for the hiring manager of my specialty in his (close personal friend’s) company. Unfortunately, it turns out that this person was also my instructor when I was enrolled in a certificate-level course in which I did not perform very well. The weekly coursework was strong, but my end-of-semester research paper was one of my worst since high school. For context, I was in my mid-30s after getting a different advanced degree, in between jobs at the time, and depressed. Shortly after the class ended, I landed a job in the field of the certificate course. I’ve been here several years, dealt with my depression, and enjoy the work.
The friend’s colleague contacted her and she said she would be happy to speak with me. I don’t believe she was given my name but will certainly remember me. How would you handle this? I haven’t confided my past history with the hiring manager to my friend, but that’s a possibility. Or perhaps I should contact her, address my class performance directly, and see how it goes? Or is this a lost cause and I should consider it a shut door? For reference, she (hiring manager) was extremely personable and friendly. How would you approach this situation? Thank you!
I doubt she will remember you, and even if she does, she is not going to think that one bad paper however many years ago means you’re not right for the job. Besides, you said you had strongly coursework throughout the class. That speaks to your abilities much more than one paper. Cut yourself some slack.
Just contact her and talk, don’t bring up the course. You’d be surprised by how little people remember things about us or care. It was a paper for a certificate course, which is inherently something optional and not part of your job so I can’t see someone forming a memory about that, let alone years later. If anything, you could mention you took and enjoyed her class and wish you’d had more time then to really get into it.
Don’t bring it up!!
Unless you really, truly, magnificently effed up, she probably won’t remember you. And if you did really eff up so badly that this woman remembers you years later, then you do need to accept that this is a lost cause.
Dinner in midtown Manhattan next Saturday night. Type of cuisine not incredibly important; just want a place where we can sit and have delicious food and not feel rushed through our meal. Not bringing too dressy of clothes, so think casual dress (but not jeans casual). Ideas?
If you like Thai, try Pongsri on 244 W 48th St. It’s a good go-to for dinner before theater, but without that “rushed” atmosphere.
i’m in mod. Pongsri on 48th
Esca, but get an 8 p.m. or later reservation so that you will arrive after the pre-theater rush ends and the staff have had time to catch a breath.
I’ve done Esca after the theatre and had a wonderful time.
It’s a super touristy mini-chain, but I love Carmine’s in Midtown. Also, I loved Il Corso. You could do jeans there, but I wouldn’t do jeans and a t-shirt/sneakers.
I would not recommend Carmine’s. Huge portions of meh Italian food that caters to tourists. It’s basically Olive Garden with nicer ambiance.
I agree. Mediocre.
No to Carmine’s
Hangawi in Koreatown is a lovely vegetarian Korean place with delicious food and a transporting atmosphere. You will definitely not be rushed out.
Empellon, Quality Italian, Milos, Aldo Sohm (it is a wine bar, but they have great food too), Indian Accent.
Sakagura. It’s in the basement of a nondescript office building, which opens up into gorgeous ambiance somehow. High end izakaya (like Japanese tapas) food, and best sake list in the city. And you’ll seem super cool for knowing where it is because it’s so hidden!
Wtf is with the moderation on this site lately? I just posted the most innocuous reply to post and for some reason it’s stuck in mod.
I’m starting to hate this site. I can’t participate the same way in discussions anymore.
I am now looking for another blog that is more user friendly that has awesome professional women who follow. Recently someone mentioned the blog Cup of Joe. There were some decent discussions following those posts. Please post if you find a blog that is an alternative to this one.
I am a regular Cup of Jo reader, but it in no way is a replacement for this blog. We need to get this one fixed! It is irreplacable!
Yeah, its annoying but I”m not leaving. We’ve had problems with trolls lately. I think that’s just life. Post and come back in 30 min. Better for your work productivity anyway.
Yeah, I just expect all of my comments to go into mod now. I refresh to check back and see if they showed up, but it does make it difficult to participate in discussions here.
It’d be really nice if Kat would respond to these inquiries. Mod has been even worse than usual lately, there’s obviously something going on behind the scenes. If there’s some glitch that she’s trying to fix, please just tell us that so we know you’re working on it and it will get better. Because otherwise I just assume this is the new status quo and I need to find a new home.
Alanna of Trebond
Gofugyourself is amazing and has a great discussion in the comments (but much less work-related and much more fashion-related)
Thanks for this!
To be fair, although every single thing I comment goes into moderation, they are coming out quite quickly!
“Secondly, as many of you have noted, the moderation queue is acting strangely”
Um, that’s the only explanation for why all of a sudden all of our posts go straight to mod?
To be honest, I find the fact that my comments go straight to moderation (which is annoying) less annoying than the daily 15 message chains complaining about moderation. We get it. No need to have seven or more +1s…
I’m thinking about getting an Echo or similar while it’s on sale for Prime Day. I have a bluetooth speaker but it’s kind of annoying to use – I always forget it up/downstairs and Siri doesn’t listen to me when the speaker is connected. It’d be nice if it could control a couple of lights in my house too; my timer recently broke and I’ve… just been leaving a light on (whoops). For those who have an Alexa device, which one do you have and what do you like or dislike about it?
I really like it. I have mostly the Dots were are really cheap now. I have very good speakers that I can attach them to. I also like the new second generation ECHO which has a built in good quality speaker and is what I would recommend now for people starting out. The price is very reasonable now. Get an ECHO for your main room where you will use it. Get Dots where you have other rooms where the speaker quality is less critical and/or you have other speakers that you will attach it to anyway.
I use it to control a couple lights, check the weather, listen to radio stations from across the country, listen to music, listen to podcasts, ask random questions, check movie times, check traffic and more. Really love it.
I’ve had an Echo for a couple years now and really like it. I use it daily to set timers, read books from Audible, control my Fire TV stick, and control my Phillips Hue lightbulbs.
Same – plus it controls our Nest and hopefully Nest Cam which we’ll be doing for Christmas. We have an echo in the family room, and an echo dot in the bedroom so we can turn the lights of wirelessly (bought last Black Friday.)
I have dots in the bedroom and living room (small apt), and an echo in the bathroom. I keep the echo in the bathroom because its louder and I like to listen to the news or music while I’m in the shower, I find the dot isn’t loud enough for that. Favorite features for both are setting timers, listening to various radio stations, spotify, and the daily news briefings. I’m sure I could set it up to play my podcasts (I listen to NYT The Daily daily as well as a few others), but haven’t quite figured that out.
My teen kids want these kinds of devices. Can you have an echo in two different rooms? Can you play iTunes through them?
They have their own amazon accounts that are connected to my prime membership. Would that be an issue?
Yes you can have an echo in two different rooms. I think you can play iTunes too. It requires them to pair their echo with their computer or phone that has itunes on it. Your kids will be able to figure it out.
No issue with their accounts connected to your prime membership. Will work fine. You may want to turn off the ability to order from Amazon by voice (!!!) or they might “accidentally” order some stuff for themselves….
I think it is a good gift for the kids.
Wondering what others use as their am*z*n smile charity selection. I’ve used Partners in Health for a long time and feel like a change…
Southern Poverty Law Center
International Rescue Committee! Doing great work with resettling refugees in the US and around the world.
I use a local food bank :)
Same! Even though it isn’t much, sending resources to a local organization making a difference in my own community feels nice.
I think you can even do a geographic search to find out what local orgs are available.
I love all of these charities and donate to them too (PIH, SPLC, IRC).
Lately I have been using Planned Parenthood or a charity that funds research into a disease that has touched my family (pancreatic cancer – Lustgarten foundation), since these cancers get much much less funding and attention than Breast cancer etc..
My state’s Planned Parenthood.
another (red) state’s planned parenthood.
Lana Del Raygun
I use a local charity that provides housing and support (job training, babysitting, baby gear) for homeless mothers.
my kids elementary school
St Jude’s Children’s hospital
Local animal rescue. They need more than my measly few dollars but still.
Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, for personal reasons.
Medecins Sans Frontieres.
+1 Highly recommend Doctors Without Borders. No personal affiliation but a lot of respect and I donate to them in other ways also.
+1 They do such good work in the toughest of conditions.
My local library.
I alternate between Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. and Junior League of [SEUS city]
Is having a change.org petition of any import at all?
If there were any vetting of what is on there (not in a 10b5 or submitted-under-penalty-of-perjury), I could see the point. But it seems almost designed to magnify some voices and not invite reasoned dialog.
In my lawyer hat, it would be like looking at an indictment or charging document, which tells one side of the story, and going publicly all-in on that.
Someone I know is pressuring our e-mail group to sign something. I’m not going to. It seems like serious issues deserve a better platform than that (and might undercut its chances to be taken seriously).
In my role as city councillor, I’ve received two change.org petitions on local issues. Both had 1000+ signatories, and both were printed out and delivered with the addresses and comments included. One was in support of a position I already held, and the other made me stop and think a bit harder about an issue, but didn’t change my mind in the end.
I think they are much more effective at a local level, especially if someone can turn the signatory list into an e-mail list and drive direct action (we had people showing up on the first issue who had signed the petition, that was more persuasive than just signing, and many followed up with personalized e-mails to their city reps). At a national level, I think they are more about collecting data and e-mail lists rather than changing minds or driving policy decisions.
Real Ivy Leagues
At a party over the weekend I met a woman who held herself out as an Ivy League grad … but then it turned out that she had gone to Cornell’s Hotel Management school. This doesn’t seem right that she should get to describe herself as an Ivy League grad. I mean, it’s HOTEL MANAGEMENT.
I went to an elite liberal arts college (think Amherst/Williams/Wesleyan), which is almost as hard to get into as an Ivy League school, but I don’t get to say I’m an Ivy Leaguer.
Am I the only one who thinks this is kind of BS?
I think you need to find real problems to worry about.
She went to an Ivy League school. That’s a true thing. You’re weirdly worked up about this.
Right. I thought this was veering into a conversation about satellite schools versus main campus (albeit, I’m not sure the Ivies have satellites? I digress), but COME ON, OP, this woman attended Cornelle, whether you respects her major or not.
Excuse the mistakes. Gah!
Who cares. Move on.
Hi Hi Hi
She went to Cornell. You did not. I think that’s dispositive.
Eh! She did go to an Ivy League school, so it isn’t inaccurate.
FWIW, ivy league carries more or less weight based on the industry you are in
Mine (Tech) prefers MIT, CalTech, GTech, VirginiaTech, some UTs and UCs over half the Ivies so does it really matter?
I had NOT thought about it, but now that I have, I now disagree. If the woman has a degree that say’s Cornell on it, then she is an Ivy League Gradueate. Dad agrees. It realy makes no difference what Hotel school she went to b/c if it was Cornell’s, then she is a cornell Gradueate. Period. End of Story. There is NO sense in you being snobbish b/c you went to another school that is almost as good as an Ivy league school. I went to GW, and often am considered the same as Amherst, Williams, Westleayan like you, but do NOT realy care now b/c now that I am a PARTNER at a NYC law firm, it is NOT so important where I went to college any more. Dad says to grow up and move on, so take Dad’s advise! YAY!!!!!
And would you feel better if her degree was in business? Because hotel management is generally business management with substantial staff responsibilities as well as a very demanding clientele.
I have a few friends in the industry and they work HARD. You’re being super snobby about this.
Signed, seriously guys – not everyone is a lawyer and some of us work just as ridiculous hours but without the compensation.
+1000 Have you ever worked in a hotel? It is a LOT harder than you think. And good managers in that industry are amazing in that they can manage both their staff and unruly guests. Hotel managers are absolutely running a business.
Sorry but she’s actually an Ivy League alum and you’re not, even if your school is more prestigious. Ivy League is literally an athletic conference and Cornell is part of that conference. Ivy isn’t a synonym for prestige. MIT and Stanford are harder to get into than most Ivies.
She went to an Ivy League school and the hotel administration program is very well respected, what about what she said bothers you so much?
DH went to cornell and apparently they do look down on the hotel school. Admissions is different and less competitive than the rest of Cornell. But she did go to an Ivy League school, that’s a fact.
Yeah, this isn’t the first time I have heard snickers when someone who went to Hotel Management gets all puffed up about being an Ivy Leaguer.
Seriously? Cornell’s Hotel School is incredibly competitive and prestigious. Maybe you should be celebrating her accomplishments rather than tearing her down.
Cornell’s school of hotel management is widely regarded as the best hotel management/hospitality programs in the world. I know other people at Cornell look down on it because there are stereotypes about the type of students/personalities who go into hospitality… but it’s a very legitimate school. This comment makes you seem insecure and ignorant.
I don’t even GAF about the Ivy League at all and I know that Cornell’s hotel management school is very good.
OP, you sound like a petulant teenager.
Nobody puts Baby in a corner
Isn’t that where Robbie went?
Well played, madame.
What types of students/personalities? Everyone I know associated with the hospitality industry is smart, professional, and very sociable.
Linda from HR
Maybe she feels really proud of her accomplishment, and maybe OP has accomplished more and to her this isn’t a big deal, but it’s not hard to be happy for people who are achieving success in their chosen education/career path.
Tacky on her part, but not the end of the world. I went to Georgetown for my tax LLM, but I know full well that my JD is from a plain old state school. Sure, I’m technically a GULC grad, but I did not “go to Georgetown for law school” in the colloquial sense of the phrase.
I’m not sure that’s really equivalent. She did go to Cornell for college, in the colloquial sense of the phrase. She spent four years living there, taking classes on campus, etc. It’s not like she just went there for a certification or extension program. It would be misleading for you to say you went to law school at GU because you went somewhere else.
You’ve made my head hurt. Yikes.
I think you’re BS. Who cares?
What do you think the coursework consisted of there? Placing Cookies at the Front Desk 101? Practicum: Artful Towel Arrangements? How to Avoid ICE inspections and Best practices for Drafting Faux- I-9s? Smiling Pretty at Guests (3 Experiential Learning Credits)? Supply Chain Logistics Seminar: How to Source Tiny Soaps?
Or do you understand that a hotel is really a business and basically this is a specialized type of b-school.
Why does it matter to you who gets to say that they’re an Ivy Leaguer?
I know people who got degrees from the Harvard Extension School and hold themselves out as alumni of Harvard. Cornell’s hotel management school is not easy to get into, but there is a slight whiff of the HES/Harvard thing going on.
I don’t think you can call her out on it, but… well, maybe people shouldn’t define themselves by their alma master’s athletic conferences anyway.
Calling someone out on this will make you look like a petty bitter loser. It’s the ultimate example of losing by winning.
I concur, obviously, except that an alumna of, say, Williams doesn’t look like a loser over it.
Are you replying to yourself? Because yeah you would look petty whether you went to Williams or Rutgers.
An alumna of Williams looks like even more of a loser over it. They look like an insecure worrywart who really just wants to wear a sign that says “I went to an IMPORTANT school” around their neck. (News flash for you– a lot of people don’t know what Williams is. Does that make you feel worse or better?) Why do you need to keep others in their place in order to feel superior? Try supporting other women instead of making sure they stay below you. It works wonders.
HES is generally some coursework or a certificate, which is not the same as a degree by any means. Graduating from the Hotel Management school of an Ivy is going to the Ivy because you obtain a degree. That is not a fair comparison at all.
It confers degrees.
There’s no whiff of it. The Hotel School is one of the colleges at Cornell, similar to Arts & Sciences. I went to Cornell and my friends from the program now work at the best restaurant and hotel groups in the country, as lawyers, and in real estate finance. Is that not legit enough for you? They ARE Cornell grads.
It’s sort of pretentious to run around telling people you’re an Ivy League graduate, but it’s a factually accurate statement, so … ?
You sound like a great time! Ultimate party guest
So you’re jealous that she went to an ivy so you come here to put down her program?
I think you’re snobby to look down on hotel management. Would you look down on someone who has a degree in business? Because Cornell’s hotel management program is actually very prestigious and includes a lot of undergraduate business staples like econ, finance, accounting, etc. I mean, yeah, she wasn’t doing hardcore science or engineering, but plenty of Ivy League grads don’t.
I only know two people who went to hotel school, but they both went to Cornell (which I’m pretty sure is the #1 program in the US) and they are both absolutely killing it in their respective careers. Neither of them actually works in the hospitality industry, fwiw. The degree is pretty versatile for most fields of business/management.
Linda from HR
Do you also get angry when dentists call themselves doctors?
I get that the phrase Ivy League conjures up people with very prestigious degrees in very prestigious careers, but as you can see, there are lots of Ivy League programs that aren’t as impressive as, say, Harvard Law School. And hey, there are people who don’t even think the Ivy League is that much better as some other prestigious schools like the one you went to!
But, is hotel management not important? You probably don’t think about it, but if you’re in a high earning career, I’ll bet you stay in hotels every now and then, and you probably aren’t wondering “gee, where did the managers here go to school?” but I’ll bet you appreciate a well run hotel, and notice when the place is a hot mess, yeah?
This person may have been tossing around the fact that they went to an Ivy League school because they were proud of themselves and it seemed like something worth bragging about, or maybe they wanted to seem important because they were insecure. Either way, let them do their thing and worry about yourself!
I have a friend who went to Wharton undergrad and does not have a graduate degree. She does drop a fair amount of “at Wharton, we..” kind of thing. I never though anything of it but a mutual friend told me that she is implying she has the more prestigious Wharton MBA and is kind of annoyed about it. I don’t really care. I figure (or I guess hope) that if she were going for a job that wanted to hire a Wharton MBA grad, they’d actually check out her credentials.
Why does this matter to you anyway?
I’m with you. I would hate to make this assumption about someone: how exactly is she supposed to talk about her years of experience with the culture at Wharton? I guess she could provide a disclaimer about “in college” or “for undergrad” every time, but that would also make it sound like she was obsessing about the impression she was giving.
1) Why is anybody talking about their college life that much once they’ve graduated? and 2) You could just as easily say at UPenn or whatever.
I went to Wharton and I do this too — in the 1x year I talk about college and it’s something specific re the culture of Wharton which differs from the rest of Penn. No one thinks I got an MBA — I didn’t. And BTW like 75% of Wharton undergrads don’t go to any grad school — they don’t need to and I’m never met anyone insecure about it.
I think this is pretty unique to Wharton… my brother went there and only ever says Wharton and not Penn either when he talks specifically about college experience.
Um, Wharton undergrad is way harder to get into than Wharton grad. If anything your mutual friend is pretentious and misinformed about her grad degree being “more prestigious”. Signed, a Wharton MBA.
People do this a lot when they go to a prestige school but not for undergrad / one of the school’s top grad programs. (I’m not going to comment on the quality of the hotel management program.) You should not call people out on this type of thing. It looks bad. Is it BS? Well, it’s not BS so much as it shows the person is terribly hung up on rankings and what not. You only show the same thing by caring / calling the person out.
People that went to Stanford don’t get to say they went to ivy league either. You are in good company.
Actually, if the company you keep is people who care about whether or not anybody says they’re Ivy League, then it’s not good company at all.
Rustic Summer Camp Wedding
Looking for wedding attire advice: We are going to a wedding in mid-September, up state NY at a “a rustic youth summer camp located right on a lake.” (We declined the offer to stay on site in shared 10 person camper cabins, with showers in a separate building.) It sounds like a fun weekend, but I have no idea what to wear to the ceremony (outdoors on the lake) & reception (I think in the mess hall?) The website says “In addition to your wedding attire, you may want to throw in these in your suitcase: Warm coat/jacket, Flashlight, Sturdy shoes (you may want to leave your high-heels at home) ”
I’m not sure what is appropriate here and I don’t have anyone good to ask. Has anyone been to something like this before? Hour glass, size 12-14
I would wear a skirt with a cute blouse that you can then layer a cardigan with and a coat. You can wear oxford style shoes with the skirt and if it gets buggy or too cold you can pull on tights. Sometimes its 80 degrees in September and sometimes its 50 so I would just wear something where lots of layers is an option.
I did. There were a range of clothing choices. I wore a cocktail dress and shoes that I could walk in grass in — stuff I wear to any outdoor wedding. Definitely bring a wrap or sweater that works with your dress and some of those bug spray wipes in case the bugs are out.
Can you not just ask the couple? I fielded a ton of attire questions from friends and relatives for mine and did not mind answering them at all. This is different enough that they should be expecting the question, I would think.
Like any dress from Anthropologie, worn with sneakers (or at least flats), a scarf that can be worn as a shawl, and a winter coat for nighttime.
I went to a lakeside wedding where the seats were hay bales… I wore a maxi dress with a jean jacket and flat sandals. (This was a number of years ago – you know jean jackets wax and wane.)
A more casual-ish but still wedding appropriate dress with more practical shoes.
Like this: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/1-state-tiered-ruffle-wrap-midi-dress/4919919?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAnniversary%20Sale%20Early%20Access%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=antique%20white
I might bring a super casual (but still cute) outfit to change into, like jeans and a pretty top with sandals and a sweater.
Dressy jumpsuit? Simple sheath dress with a cardi and flats? Any kind of dress that looks good with booties? Having been to several outdoor rustic weddings, I would plan the outfit around the shoes. They’re the difference between being miserable and comfortable!
I thought that too, but then the thought that primitive toilets may be the only thing available. I’d go for a dress/skirt for that reason alone.
Can you find out what the wedding party is wearing? That might provide some guidance.
Rustic Summer Camp Wedding
Yes, planning around the shoes sounds like a good idea! Wedges, right?
I don’t know the bride well, but I will reach out to cousin to see what they are wearing since I didn’t have any luck with aunt.
Rustic Summer Camp Wedding
It is my husband’s cousin from the other side of the country… I reached out to his aunt (the mother of the groom) but haven’t gotten a response after a few weeks. I will try again, though!
Thanks for the reminders about bug spray. Also, I kind of like the idea of a denim jacket — it would dress down what I am wearing if it is too formal.
Sounds like regular wedding attire to me. If you’re not staying there, then I don’t think the rest of that invitation applies to you.
Rustic Summer Camp Wedding
We are staying a mile or so away — we will definitely be participating all weekend, just sleeping elsewhere.
For the wedding, wear a dress with shoes that won’t sink into the ground. Not sneakers, not a skirt and top unless it is quite dressy. I live upstate…I don’t think the wedding will be quite as casual as some expect.
I’d do a dress or skirt with floral/nature-y pattern, which can both be festive and not out of place in the woods.
I am going to this same wedding in a couple weeks! The wedding ceremony/reception are totally seperate events from anything else they have going on. Have you googled the venue to look at photos? I know for a fact there’s great indoor plumbing at the wedding I’ll be at. But, I go to a YMCA camp for an adult-only chef camp every fall and there are surprisingly nice, regular bathrooms in the main building “mess hall”. And, the shower building there has normal bathroom stalls. But YMMV.
+1 to the advice above for sensible flats or wedges – but dress like a regular wedding guest, mostly, unless the bride says different.
For the rest of the weekend, I’d play LLBean/Eddie Bauer model. Jacket in case of rain, otherwise layers depending on the temp/weather. I would be wearing a long sleeve tee, sweater, pants you can hike around in, and sturdy sneakers. Apparently they will be leading some type of night-hike, hence the flashlight (these are fun!).
Rustic Summer Camp Wedding
There is indoor plumbing — just the communal bathroom situation is unappealing. Have fun at the wedding — report back afterwards, if you don’t mind!
Lana Del Raygun
Any recommendations for easy vegan recipes and/or recipe blogs? We have houseguests for the week and just found out that they’re vegan.
Minimalist Baker is my go to. Her foods are generally unfussy. Some of it relies quite heavily on a food processor though, so hopefully you have one, or a really good blender.
Lana Del Raygun
I can probably borrow one!
101 Cookbooks! Many of her things are vegan and everything is delicious.
101 Cookbooks has a lot of vegan. Not all are easy, but they’re delicious!
I’m not sure why it posted twice, once as Anon. Sorry!
I was the anon poster – i think our responses are just weirdly similar but actually two different postings!
Ah, that makes sense. They are really similar. I was so confused for a moment!
Oh She Glows.
Lana Del Raygun
Most of these recipes seem like not nearly enough nutrition to me! I know there are vegan athletes; do you just eat way more servings of everything? Do you really eat rice and beans all the time as a core, and the million roast cauliflower recipes are just to mix up the sides? What am I missing here?
Ha! I’m vegan and I almost never eat straight up rice and beans because #boring!
Google for some cribbed Veganomicon / Isa Chandra Moskowitz recipes or Thug Kitchen recipes.
Lana Del Raygun
I actually love rice and beans, so that wasn’t meant as a dig at vegans, to be clear. :)
Why don’t you ask your guests if there are specific things you can pick up for them? I have no issue eating veg deli slice sandwiches and oatmeal and all that – no need to be fancy for every meal, especially when I’m staying with non-vegans.
FWIW, I am a runner and don’t have any issues nutritionally unless I forget to take my B12 supplement.
Lana Del Raygun
Thanks! My husband is doing most of the meal planning and he is talking to her (it’s his sister); I’m just looking for tips on the side. It’s tricky because she’s a young and fairly recent vegan, and her mother thinks even vegetarianism is a “stupid idea” (which I think is a terrible thing to tell a child about her ethics, even if you disagree with them, but no one asked me), so she hasn’t had a chance to develop a lot of go-to foods yet.
(Am I partly looking to be super accommodating and supportive as a way to stick it to my MIL? Mayyyybe.)
lol, I relate!
I’m vegetarian not vegan, do a lot of tofu, greek yogurt, garbanzo beans, hummus, lentils and other beans for protein. I also have cheese and peanut butter. There are tasty thai recipes that involve tofu in a sauce made of peanut butter (with garlic and chili etc. added). Indian food generally works as well (dal has protein).
It doesn’t taste like chicken .com always has good recipes that I think are pretty accessible and don’t have too many weird ingredients.
I love her blog. Hot for Food also has cool easy recipes (and a great youtube channel). They just came out with a cookbook this year, Vegan Comfort Classics.
I have that cookbook and use it a lot!!
The mushroom gravy pie from thefirstmess.com is a staple here in the winter.
Other suggestions: vegan tacos (black beans, sweet potato or squash roasted with cumin and chili powder, green onions, cilantro, and avocado), curry (Minimalist Baker has some lentils cooked in coconut milk and turmeric that are amazing), falafels…
I love Thug Kitchen! Black Bean Pesto Wraps, Spinach Falafel, Strawberry Oat Bars. There’s attitude and swears in the recipes (makes it better for me).
When we have our vegan friends over we usually make one of a few things: tacos, pasta, grilled veggies, or stir fry. Sometimes we will prep meat and keep it separate.
Breakfast is often toast or cereal. I will get Earth Balance and their choice of milk substitute to have around the house. Sometimes Tofu scramble if we are getting fancy.
I find I don’t usually need to get any special vegan food (other than the soy milk and Earth Balance) because a lot of our usual staples are vegan: veggies, beans, tofu, fruit, peanut butter, rice, noodles, pretzels, oatmeal, dark chocolate (check label first) etc.
Also- Oreos are vegan.
Lana Del Raygun
Unless she cares about palm oil, then no Oreos. :(
I love love this spicy noodle salad or most recipes from her cookbooks, especially Isa Does It. http://www.foodrepublic.com/recipes/spicy-vegan-dragon-noodle-salad-recipe/
Looking for recs on what to wear to a concert at Red Rocks in early September with an old ‘friend’ that has potential to become more. I can’t pull off the early 20’s music festival looks anymore (not that I’d really want to), but I can’t figure out what to wear that doesn’t look either too hippie/earth mother or alternately, like I’m trying too hard. Would slightly prefer a dress.
What would you wear if you were me?!
I think I would wear either a chambray dress or a t-shirt dress and a denim jacket.
anon a mouse
Chambray dress with booties would be great. You’ll definitely want layers – when the sun goes down the temperature can quickly plummet 15-20 degrees, and September can be unpredictable anyway.
I’ve been having a pretty rough month: work/my boss is driving me insane, a few old friends have shown their true colors and treated me pretty horribly, things are pretty tight financially (I’m in a certificate program part-time) and my SO has been out of the country for a few weeks. I’ve been holding it together by spending a lot of weekends visiting my parents (which is basically a safehouse at this point) and venting to a couple of friends via daily gchats.
Most of the stress is short-term (job and school ends in a year, etc.) but its been pretty lonely… I dont have the group of girlfriends I used to have and it feels like people in their late 20s are not taking any applications for new friends. I’ve even found myself not checking social media frequently because its too depressing…
Any tips on rebuilding a friend group (or individuals) once youre past college age? I live in a metropolitan city so I feel like it shouldnt be this hard and yet it feels this way.
Short-term, I would continue to not with social media. It’s rarely a force for good, it seems to me.
The long-term solution for friend groups is developing a new hobby, IME. That’s not super great advice for you right now, it sounds like, because you have too many other demands on your time. But there’s light at the end of the tunnel with job/school ending, and so it’s something to think about for when you get to that point.
Join a Meetup group, a community choir, a sports team, a knitting circle, a book group from your library, a church/secular humanist society, a professional organization, a political action group, or start volunteering doing something meaningful that takes you outside of yourself a little.
Get off social media. Get outside instead or give an old friend a call to catch up. Try it!
Ask your closest friends (who aren’t in your city) if they know anyone local they think you would click with. And reach out and invite them for coffee.
It IS hard to make friends after college. College puts you in the same place with the same people on a regular basis, which is how you make friends. So, you do what you can to replicate that experience outside of the college campus and it’s tricky.
Do your current friends have other friend groups they’d be willing to cross pollinate with? That”s basically how I got my current friend group. I had a friend who’s friend set us up with other friends (we all went out to NYE together) and we hit it off. Another friend pulled in friends from HS.
Lana Del Raygun
I wouldn’t say this is a tried-and-true strategy so much as how I’m working on this right now, but I think you really have to commit to inviting people to things even if you think it would be weird. I pick people that I’m around regularly and don’t actually know but think are cool (for me this is people from church, if you don’t have a group activity like that the standard advice is to join a meetup group which might be easier because other people have also joined to make friends) and invite them to come over for lunch or dinner. Then invite them in groups for board games or a movie. Keep inviting them until they are your friends.
FWIW, I’ve also been invited over by people I don’t actually know and it’s never struck me as weird, only friendly.
Since you mention an SO, is there any chance you’ve faded on your girlfriends due to the relationship, but now that your SO is away, you find they’re not available when you want them?
I mean, that’s what happened to most of my late-20s friendships.
Nope. I’m actually extremely cognizant of maintaining friendships outside of SO because a lot of friends faded or only want to focus on guys when they date/enter a relationship and its a huge pet peeve of mine. If anything I drop plans with SO to hang out with friends any chance I get lol
If you’re in LA, I’ll hang with you! Signed, a woman whose friends keep disappearing into relationships
Agreed with all of the above, but also… what about the friends you have your daily venting with? Make sure you are being a good friend back – not always talking about you, not always talking about stressors, etc. Don’t alienate the ones you have, invite them to do things and you will (hopefully, in turn) get invited to things by them where you will meet more people you could become friends with. (And yes, to all of the new ventures suggested above.)
Thank you for bringing that up – I have had to check myself a few times and make sure I’m being a good friend back to the people that do have my back – thankfully they have been super understanding/I’m always there for them when theyve gone through rough patches, etc.
+1 to this!
Focus on making individual friends rather than finding a friendgroup. Maybe I’ve just had bad luck, but my post-college experience with friendgroups has been pretty terrible. Most of them revolve around alcohol. They also get weirdly possessive of your free time. Everyone has to see each other nearly every day and if you don’t do that you’re a terrible friend. Like no we’re not living in the same dorm it’s not like I can swing by your room for 5 minutes, I don’t have hours a day of free time to drink with you or a metabolism to handle that.
I think some of that is finding the right friendgroup – what you’re describing does sound weird and unhealthy. I’ve recently made one through rock climbing, and while I generally see some permutation of them several times a week, it’s at the gym (sometimes with a round of drinks after climbing). I think a shared activity is the best way to make new friends, because if it’s something you want to do anyway, it effortlessly checks off that “unscheduled regular interactions” box that is the biggest hurdle in making friends post-college/grad school.
Anne with an E
I just finished Anne with an E Season 2 on Netflix and really enjoyed it. Anyone else watching this show? I am a diehard fan and loved the eighties movies but this feels so different. Plus the Anne/Matthew/Marilla/Gilbert castings are so strong that I can handle the storyline deviations.
Ooh good reco! I need something not true crime/scary to watch before bed. Thanks!
I don’t mean to be a booster but I thought this site might have some other fans! It’s gorgeously shot!
Out of Place Engineer
I almost didn’t make it through the first season because of the changes to the story — I hated the violent flashbacks, but I loved that they fleshed out the story between Marilla & Gilbert’s father. I didn’t like the way the first season ended with the boarder story-line set-up, so I haven’t been eager to start season 2. How closely would you say season 2 follows the books?
Hmmm okay the first three episodes include that story and then its over. Less violent flashbacks (none really that I recall now?) in this season.
But it does NOT follow closely. The relationships between Marilla and Matthew and Anne are really built up and there’s more fleshing out of those characters, so if you liked the Marilla/John Blythe, you might like this season.
They introduce a couple new characters – one in particular I really loved. It’s a bit more like watching fan fiction this season but the spirit may be closer to what you like than in the first season? I’d give it a shot!
Out of Place Engineer
Yes, you’re right. I was about done after the first three episodes and it did get better. But then the season’s ending bothered me. Perhaps framing it as fan fiction instead of a retelling of the stories will help.
I agree with Baconpancakes below that they changed Anne in a fundamental way. I even went back and re-read the first book because I couldn’t reconcile what I was seeing with what I remembered of Anne. I do love the books, so maybe this just isn’t for me.
I thought the reinterpretation of Anne as a manic depressive pretty much went against everything I loved and needed in an Anne, and stopped watching. They unnecessarily traumatized the story – does every single woman need to have suffered some kind of s3xual abuse to be interesting? Seriously?
And they actually stripped her of her strength, turning her from a clever, resilient child who gets into scrapes of her own making into a brittle, helpless girl who has to constantly be saved. Is it a more realistic portrayal of a child raised in an abusive foster system? Certainly. Is that a good thing? The media we consume shapes our expectations of and reactions to the world. By refusing to allow this one successful, strong girl character, are we rejecting the whimsy and love of beauty the original Anne embodied (in both the book and the miniseries)?
I’m not even sure it’s more realistic. I’ve met sunny, idealistic young women who reminded me of the original Anne whom I later learned had extremely difficult childhoods.
Lana Del Raygun
I haven’t seen the series in part because I was put off by a few articles I read saying pretty much what you’re saying, but I recently came across this Twitter thread on the subject by a woman with a “similarish background” that I thought was really interesting: https://twitter.com/grace_march/status/1017249055196393472
“Telling it [child abuse] like a joke and inventing dream-worlds, like Valancy’s Blue Castle or Anne’s friendly echo, are classic coping mechanisms. It wouldn’t be surprising if the entire novel was a coping mechanism of Montgomery’s. It’s sometimes all one can do, to make light of the dark.
“‘Anne’ is not a negation of Anne; it’s just highlighting what was always there. Because Anne is bright, creative, and loving, it’s easy not to associate her with trauma.
“But she was raised in poverty, domestic abuse, neglect, and institutionalization, and so were a lot of other people, fictional and real, who are bright, creative, loving, funny, and for whom retaining any of those traits can be/has been an uphill battle.
“Removing trauma from the story does nobody any favours. You can’t ‘remove’ your childhood. Her ‘quirks’ were born in trauma; her imagination honed by necessity. If we are to appreciate the character, we need to appreciate her past. We have no context for her/the story otherwise.”
I need help and wisdom. About a month ago, my small firm got drastically smaller as two partners left and I was left with far more responsibility, including becoming the senior associate on a few litigation matters. It was kind of long overdue, but it is still a new role for me. I am supervising two junior associates for the first time and it is HARD. Primarily, they are making little mistakes, that I am pretty sure are my fault – like I should have mentioned you need to do x and y before you can do z – right? Which is frustrating because it’s so obvious to me that it didn’t occur to me to mention it. And my frustration is showing and I know that’s bad…but I am frustrated with myself more than anything. I had great mentors who taught me a ton and I SO want to be like them. Does anyone have tips or encouragement? How can I learn how to do this better?
I like to tell myself that a mistake doesn’t matter until you make it twice. Learn, make adjustments, and correct for the next time. If appropriate, provide guidance to the juniors as feedback, e.g., “I should have told you beforehand, but going forward, please note that you need to do x and y before you can do z.” You can’t change the past.
After you have a project that you receive back from a junior, and there are issues, schedule time (a day or two, a week at most), to sit down and talk about what went well and what didn’t, from both sides. It’ll help you learn to work more effectively with the juniors, and will help give you an idea of the information that they needed and didn’t have.
Am tax accountant, and I figured out that staff mistakes come from a short list of categories:
1) miscommunication/preference (didn’t know X about situation Y; partner C likes transactions presented like D, Partner E wants to see them like F)
2) ignorance (preparer was unaware of rules Q and R – can go either way, as in preparer Should Have Known – which isn’t great – or preparer isn’t experienced enough yet to know and this is a teaching opportunity)
3) sloppiness (not checking work for accuracy/completedness before turning it in)
When it is broken down into these categories, i think it is easier to think about and communication mistakes to the junior staff. Sloppiness and repeated mistakes need different handling than miscommunication/preference and new-to-them issues.
As a staff, you get used to learning through mistakes, but it helped me to think of my errors in this way – because it takes different skill sets to fix them. I can double check my work until the cows come home, but if the facts have changed and that hasn’t made it to my desk. That is different than not understanding the subject matter.
I hope this helps – it is easy to get frustrated but remember you are doing your best and are going to make mistakes, too. Being up front and honest about your mistakes and fair about theirs is a good policy.
Be honest and straight-foward in your feedback. Don’t pull your punches. Do not tell them something is fine if it isn’t. If time is short and you have to fix it yourself, return to it with them later and show what you changed and why. Set clear expectations up front, and follow up.
Also, when they do something particularly well, let them know. Maybe they made a handful of errors but their proofreading was really good. Or their thought process was correct but they didn’t check their work so the end result was wrong.
Another thing is to make sure they can read your body language so they can tell if something is serious or not.
Good luck – if you want to succeed you will, through trial and error.
Anyone else they’ve changed politically/socially with age? IDK if I’m jaded or what but I feel like I’m turning into my grandfather and his brothers as I often find myself taking the approach of — yeah awful what’s happening in the country but it doesn’t affect you, keep your head down, work hard, make your money and worry about taking your own family not everyone else. I’m surprised at myself lately. Just me?
Ugh, no it’s not just you. Sigh. What is with the hateful comments here lately??
As some below have said, the fact that you are asking this question means you’re aware that this is not the best way to be. You’re realizing that yes, it would be easy to put your head in the sand. You’re wondering if it would be easier to do that sometimes. But you’re also surprised at yourself, and that’s good. And you’re not the only one who has this happen.
Also want to call out IHHtown below for saying “shame on you” to this poster. She obviously knows this is not an optimal approach, and that’s why she’s asking. She never said she judged anyone for caring about the outcomes of their lives. She only talked about her own approach growing more like that of her grandfather. She describes herself as potentially jaded. She never says a single word about those who care, so shame on you, IHHtown, for projecting that.
Well then, I’d like to add a shame on you to the OP for not caring what happens to other people. If you don’t want to get called out for being selfish and uncaring, don’t be selfish and uncaring.
Not caring about anyone who’s not in your family is what’s hateful.
Seriously. Conservatives like to talk about progressives being “snowflakes” or whatever, but they’re the ones who want to be able to be hateful and vile but then get upset when they’re called out on it. Sorry, but if you’re being a bad person people are going to call you a bad person.
Really? Hateful? There is someone who posts basically this same question or posts the concept in a responsive comment multiple times a week here–basically every time we get into socio-economic status/privilege conversations. It garners the exact same types of responses over and over again. YAWN. I’m tired of it. It’s obviously pot stirring. We have this conversation over and over and over again– so why ask DAE?!?!?!?! I frankly don’t believe that it’s a different poster every time. (Also, writing patterns.)
Plus, there’s nothing in her post indicating that she knows it’s no optimal. Just that it’s different than what she used to feel. She just wants validation.
You’re the one being over the top and vile here, no one else. Get it thru your head these questions aren’t all from 1 person. How do I know? Because in the past they’ve been mine, but this one isn’t. I know it’s hard to imagine but there is more than one republican and more than one apathetic person here. It’s not ALL liberal socialists. And btw same concepts get posted repeatedly because not everyone reads every thread every day. Some of us have lives and may only get here 1 or 2 times a week. We aren’t eagerly pressing refresh here all day long.
Lol thought the same thing — I wouldn’t brag about being here so much that I know what’s posted all day every day and am analyzing writing patterns. Maybe instead of picking on others, get yourself a life.
The fact that you find yourself asking this questions kind of means you know you’re thinking this way, but you also know that it’s not okay. You may want to question your own view points about why you are thinking this way, what around you or internally has changed, so that you don’t become what you despise.
I think it’s normal to want to ignore unpleasantness when you feel you can’t change the terrible things happening around you, but you should be extremely careful about expecting that of other people. You DON’T know if what is happening in the country affects someone or not. And you DON’T get to decide what is or isn’t important to another person.
If you would like to keep your head down work hard and get your money, go right ahead, but we don’t all have the privilege of doing so and, TBH, shame on you for judging other people for caring about the outcomes of their lives and the lives of people they don’t know. It’s called empathy, get some.
I completely relate to the instinct to kind of turn off the noise of politics, but not necessarily to just make money and move along. I have been very active in liberal politics since high school. Now, I have a demanding job and two kids, and the news depresses the hell out of me. I have somewhat consciously decided that taking care of my own self and my family is what I can control, not necessarily in terms of money, but conduct. I’ll still vote my beliefs and get involved in smaller ways (like I did some voter registration volunteering as a one-off thing). Instead of worrying about policy, I’m making extra efforts to be kind and generous on a personal level to those around me, to model that behavior for my kids, and wait to turn the page politically.
There is literally nothing I can do to change so many of these things, but what I can do is vote in every election and simply be kind every day to everyone.
The other day I was wondering how Lady Bird Johnson got into highway beautification as her first lady cause – seemed a bit random. Well, it was so much bigger than that. She got into beautification everywhere (not just highway medians) because with all the division in the country at the time – Vietnam, civil rights unrest – she thought a little beauty would help soothe souls. (Remove the space. http://www.pbs. org/ladybird/shattereddreams/shattereddreams_report.html)
So I’ve bowed out of the outrage cycle. I just skim the headlines. I unfollowed everyone on social media who’s squawking constantly. And I’m trying just to take care of my little corner of the world and do the best I can here. Because ultimately that’s all any of us can control.
In my family, this comes across as an old world/European immigrant perspective. It makes sense to me because this is literally what they chose: they put their families first and got out of countries where things were going badly. And once they were here, they focused on work. I suspect bad experiences with unions probably contributed to their “keep your head down” outlook (compared to families whose experience with unions was better).
I don’t share this outlook. I wouldn’t say that’s because I’m more virtuous (maybe white lady privilege makes me think the world should reflect my values; maybe as a millennial I’ve retained an adolescent impatience with adult hypocrisy, etc.), but I don’t feel any less enraged by injustice as I get older. But, speaking of hypocrisy, I do feel incredibly jaded about the many people I know who are up in arms about every social issue that’s no skin off their backs.
(I bring up the last point because I think it’s important to me personally to recognize that being jaded with individuals or our political parties is not the same as being jaded about bad things happening in the world.)
Do you have to ask the same question/make the same comment in a slightly different way every other day? Ugh.
Haven’t you ever heard the adage, “first they came for the __, but I was not a ___.” The rest of us learn that in grade school. Along with empathy.
Huh? I promise there’s more than one person questioning these things especially now. It’s come up multiple times in my friend group.
Mean comment police
Actually, it seems to be you who keep mocking every legitimate question asked here. Last time I asked a question, I got a similar comment accusing me of asking a question that I had asked previously. Then someone else stepped in and said the previous question was hers.
Here’s a thought. Maybe instead of posting unproductive responses to questions, you can actually try to answer the question.
Even if it’s the same question, so what? Not everyone reads this every day, so she might be trying to get more advice. Get off your high horse.
I sure hope that as I age I don’t lose my ability to be compassionate towards other people.
So I hear you on the compassion fatigue, I really do. I also agree that that the best course of action for you may be to focus on your own locus of control and circle of influence (although I think some of us can be more expansive about what the limitations of those actually are.) But I would challenge the notion that whatever you think is awful is not affecting you. And not in a “first they came for” sort of way, but right now in ways that are hard to measure and understand and can be far reaching (I’m obsessed with the research on intergenerational trauma). At a really basic level it is affecting you beacuse its causing this internal conflict. At a meta level if the country you are reffering to is the US- every single one of us is affected every day by the fact that this country was started on an enconomy that was based on slave labor and the resulting economic and racial injustice. It’s just affecting some of us more acutely than others. Its contributing to increased human suffering and supressed human excellence. Life is hard and we are all in this together. We need to expand our notions about what our communities are.
And this reminds me of an interesting interview/podcast i heard this weekend on NPR (I think it was NPR). The interviewer was female Republican strategist concerned about Republicans not having enough traction with young voters, and she was talking about the saying the boomers/Republicans have that “normal people are liberals/Dem when they are young and conservatives/Rep when they are old”. Stats show that this WAS true for the Boomers, but it’s not true for generations since then. So, you’re in the minority if you’re following your Boomer dad. The interviewee did say that stat show the younger generations are less likely to be unhappy with both parties, but not that they move towards Republican as they age.
Sorry less likely to be happy with either party
OMG of course you’re not the only one. Back to the Churchill quote about being a liberal in your 20s vs a conservative in your 40s. I think you just get a little more jaded but that doesn’t mean you become uncaring for other people. Plus when you have actual dependents to care for, you’re more likely to put them first, and then the rest of the world 2nd. (Not saying you have to stop caring about the rest of the world.) It doesn’t make you an a$$hole, it just means you have different priorities.
Anon from 1:29 responding to you. It’s mis-attributed to Churchill, but whatever, it’s often said.
And I have kids and while I get your point kinda about only caring about my kid (which is largely true of me). The more class differences increase, the more the “have’s” must protect themselves with walls and armed guards. This is how it is in lots of places in the world where I have traveled. I don’t go conservative/Republican ideology b/c I think that world is worse for my kid’s future based on the time I’ve spent in similar countries. A Republican that’s spent a lot of time in countries where armed guards are necessary for the “have’s” is the only kind of Republican I can kinda talk to about wealth redistribution / taxation without losing my mind.
This is the first time in my adult life where it feels like our current way of life is in jeopardy. I am putting aside $$ like a squirrel storing acorns because I work in an industry that could come to a grinding halt. So I get you.
I liked reading: The woman in the window, I found you, I let you go, what she knew, The death of Mrs. Westaway, all of Tana French books.
Please give me some suggestions on others in this style!
I just started The Likeness, and I’m really enjoying it so far. But I never read this genre, so I have no recs (the only thing it’s reminding me of so far is Silence of the Lambs, but I think that’s because it’s the only other crime investigation novel I’ve read).
Behind Closed Doors
Force of Nature
I See You
The Last Mrs. Parrish
Have you read Sharp Objects and Dark Places by Gillian Flynn? They were more intense IMHO than Gone Girl,
The Child Finder
I See You (same author as I Let You Go)
And I like the Robert Galbraith/J.K. Rowling series of mysteries, starting with The Cuckoo’s Calling
The Wife Between Us
The Perfume Collector
The Paris Architect
The Couple Next Door
The Light Between Oceans
Anita Shreve — the Pilots wife and other books by her
Lynne Moriarity — What Alice forgot and other books by her
Slightly different, but think you’d enjoy: Promising Young Women.
Kate Atkinson’s Jackson Brodie series
Ooh, yes, +1 on these.
My husband and I are based in Boston but planning to go visit his family in Albuquerque for a few days in late September. We’re looking for another location to tack on for 3-4 days as a bit of a getaway. Good food and at least some interesting sight-seeing are priorities and we are city people, not national park people. Not interested in Napa or Vegas, Austin and Mexico City are too hot that time of year. Denver? Charleston? Help!
Charleston doesn’t make sense, it’s way closer to Boston than to Albuquerque. Have you done Santa Fe?
Yes, we’ve done all the NM options during past trips to his family. We don’t really care where we go geographically. If it’s closer to NM, great, but if it shortens our flight home at the end of the trip that’s fine, too.
Charleston’s going to be an entire day of travel from ABQ (not even sure you could get a direct flight).
What about San Diego?
New Orleans? Food is great and can easily be done in 3-4 days.
+1. I second New Orleans. Though it will be hard to get a direct flight from ABQ. (I live in ABQ and feel like I have to fly out of Houston/Dallas or Phoenix to get anywhere else. I have been having the worst luck flying out of Phoenix lately, so I vote trying to go east haha.) Plus New Orleans is amazing!
It will still be very hot and the heart of hurricane season.
Eh, I live in New Orleans and feel like she’ll be fine at the end of Sept., early Oct. If there’s a hurricane that late in the year, I’m sure she’ll be able to cancel the trip, but I don’t think it’s worth avoiding New Orleans over it.
When you say “tack on,” do you mean as part of the same trip? Or do you mean a separate trip? Just want to be sure, because the places you’re mentioning aren’t geographically close to ABQ at all.
If you do want to do something as part of the same trip, Santa Fe is the obvious choice, I’d say.
We just mean not going home in between. Expectation is we would take an airplane from ABQ to wherever else we’d be going.
Mexico City is not hot in September. Average highs are in the mid-high 70s. It’s a beautiful time of year, if a bit rainy.
+1 I to Mexico City went in early September last year and it was beautiful
Santa Fe. Walk Canyon Road, day trip to Abiquiu for the O’Keeffe museum, drive up to Taos and see the Pueblo and the art museum, eat all the chile “Christmas style” and an unlimited amount of sopapillas.
I had an awesome time eating in Salt Lake City, and I don’t think it’s too hot there in September. I’m also from Boston FWIW and loved the SLC food scene – amazing Mexican, gelato, coffee, Asian food. There’s also some good museums and I found the Mormon sites very interesting.
Eh I’ve traveled a lot with the primary goal of eating and I would not put SLC in the top 30 cities in the US for food. I mean, it’s fine – if you go there on business you will find some adequate restaurants, but it’s definitely not a place I’d consider a foodie destination.
Any advice on looking for remote jobs?
Due to a some life issues I’m looking for a remote job in something computer science or data analysis related, ideally part time.
Any suggestions on where or how to look for something like this?
I would suggest checking the Ask A Manager blog or posting on the Friday open thread over there.
Work It Daily has info on this.
Weekend style blog?
I’m looking to update my weekend style and I need inspiration. Do you have any blogs that you like?
If it help :I’m 37, I’m pretty active (moms of 2 little girls) and I have a classic style with some occasional more trendy pieces. I’m looking for blog with the link to get/buy the clothes.
I always liked you look fab’s mom on the go for this. Unfortunately the links would be outdated by now, but the outfit formulas are still good.
Check out Putting Me Together. I like both her work outfits and her weekend-mom outfits.
+1 to Putting Me Together. If you’re on FB, the Wardrobe Oxygen and Work Edit groups are helpful.
+1 Lots of forum members are shopping NAS right now and including reviews, pictures, and links.
Hello happiness blog might be an option for you. Also budget babe has good classic type options.
I like Penny Pincher Fashion!
You could sign up for Get Your Pretty On. They give you lots of wardrobe combinations and then you either shop your closet or she gives links for the items.
Help please. I need a swift kick in the pants to get me through the next two very sloooow weeks until I have a week of vacation followed by a week of travel.
How do you motivate yourself when the office is slow? I’ve already done all my CE for the year and in my profession we can’t do extra and bank it for next year.
You mean you have down time every day at work?
Give yourself a little project every day.
Clean up email inbox.
Make packing list on the computer (template for all future travel).
Make to do list for prior to trip.
Plan your itinerary for your trip. Read about the locale.
Re-organize your desk.
Do more CE because it is good to learn!
Start learning an Spanish.
Go out for a brisk walk every day at lunch…. especially if you don’t exercise daily.
If there isn’t anything that needs to be done, then give yourself permission to be a little lazy! We don’t have to be on all the time.
The other thing I like to do when I have downtime at work is do a quick check of my finances. Look through credit card statements line by line. Estimate using Mint or others how much I spend on food etc. Try and strategize ways to improve if needed, or else just make sure nothing is being charged that you are not aware of.
Is there any networking that would be long term helpful for you to do?
does anyone use the NuFace? Would you recommend it? Lots of bloggers use it but not sure if that’s a trustworthy endorsement. Thinking of picking one up from NAS.
For anyone following the planebae twitter sage /invasion of privacy here’s the statement from the main actor.
Curious what rights and expectations we have of conversation privacy in an airplane? I think basically none but the way it was broadcasted on twitter, calling our personal signifiers allowing her to be doxed, etc. is terrifying!!
This is a case of can vs should. Can you be a total creep on an airplane like the woman who tweeted did? Sure, I don’t think there are any laws against it. Should you do that? Absolutely not.
The woman who tweeted was just awful. She was clearly doing it to raise her own profile and even her apology was crap. I think the whole incident probably ultimately did more damage to her reputation than it did to help, which is good. She was exploitative and rude and creepy.
She has 65,000 Twitter followers now, so I think it’s done her plenty of good. A platform that large is at the level where you can start getting actual paid sponsorships (not just free stuff).
anon a mouse
I don’t have any expectation of privacy in a public place, including airplanes. I don’t like it, but I harbor no illusions.
The language of “allowing her to be doxed” sure puts the blame on the original poster, though, instead of the doxxers themselves, who are the real problem here.
The original poster did plenty wrong. It’s one thing to tweet “aw the guy and the girl in front of me just had a meet cute on the plane!” But she tweeted photos of them, details of their conversation and said they’d gone to the bathroom at the same time, strongly implying they were joining the mile high club. That’s borderline defamatory I would think – alleging someone is breaking the law and cheating on their partner if s/he exists.
I’m sure that everyone who says “Well, you have no right to privacy on a plane!” would be singing a very different tune if this happened to them.
You are right that the internet tr0lls who stalked this poor woman deserve a lot of blame, but so does the original person who tweeted it for giving them a target.
Lana Del Raygun
And iirc she was wink-wink-nudge-nudge encouraging the doxxing.
Yes. And was it really “doxxing”? I assumed people who knew the woman saw the Twitter posts and said “Whoa, congrats Jane Doe!” I didn’t think the people who revealed her identity were necessarily trying to be malicious.
Really, you’re nitpicking whether it was really doxxing? A woman had her identity broadcast all over the internet when she made it clear she absolutely did not want to. The motivation behind it doesn’t matter.
My point is that the person who originally shared the posts is to blame, not the people who outed her, who I thought were maybe just people who recognized their friend/co-worker and weren’t “trolls”. But maybe I’m wrong about that. I definitely think what the original poster did was reprehensible since that’s what caused the problem.
“I am a young professional woman. On July 2, I took a commercial flight from New York to Dallas. Without my knowledge or consent, other passengers photographed me and recorded my conversation with a seatmate. They posted images and recordings to social media, and speculated unfairly about my private conduct.
“Since then, my personal information has been widely distributed online. Strangers publicly discussed my private life based on patently false information. I have been doxxed, shamed, insulted and harassed. Voyeurs have come looking for me online and in the real world.
“I did not ask for and do not seek attention. #PlaneBae is not a romance – it is a digital-age cautionary tale about privacy, identity, ethics and consent.
“Please continue to respect my privacy, and my desire to remain anonymous.”
yeah I thought that whole thing was horrible. All my FB friends were sharing it like “awww what an adorable romance” but all I could think was “what an invasion of privacy.” Plus it’s illegal in some states to record people without their consent!
Linda from HR
SMH. I mean, I guess I’d be careful about what I discuss on a plane since there are so many people who can hear you and might eavesdrop (or, cringe, barge into the conversation!), but I’d be mortified if someone recorded my conversation and posted it on the internet for everyone to see and hear!
And reading about it for just a tad more context, it looks like the woman who recorded it is now seeking praise for setting a woman up with a hunky athlete, and is offering to do the same for others? What? Girl no, someone agreed to switch seats with you so you could be near your boyfriend, and you repayed her kindness with this garbage. Go away.
Wedding Gift Etiquette
If I need to get a gift for the shower and the wedding, can I have both shipped directly to the couple, or should I bring the shower gift to the shower and have the wedding gift shipped? Or have the shower gift shipped near to the date of the shower and the wedding gift shipped near to the date of the wedding?
I like the idea of having things shipped so nobody has to juggle gifts awkwardly when travelling, but if I’m supposed to give two separate gifts, how do I delineate them if it’s all just shipped to the couple?
Are you sure you need two gifts? I wouldn’t get two, personally. If you’re going to the shower, get one for that and bring it in person. Most showers I’ve been to the bride actually opens the gifts. If you’re only going to the wedding, just ship a gift to their house.
If you’re attending both a shower and a wedding, you absolutely need two gifts.
+1, showers and weddings have separate gifts. Often the shower will have a theme for the gifts and the wedding has a separate registry.
You do need two gifts, but I’ve never seen a couple have separate registries for the shower and wedding. Not all showers have a theme, but even if they do, it’s definitely appropriate (and probably a good idea) to purchase from their wedding registry.
Disagree, as you can give a large gift off the registry and have it count for both.
No way. You bring a physical gift to the shower. You send the couple a gift for the wedding.
Yes you need to gifts! You bring one to the shower and ship one or give cash for the wedding.
Bring the gift to the shower, ship the gift for the wedding. If either you or bride has to get on a plane to attend the shower, your gift is a gc.
If you are attending the shower, bring the gift with you. The whole point of a shower is to shower the person with the gifts and have them open them. The only time I break this is if the gift I am giving is physically huge – like a stroller and then I wrap a picture and ship it straight to the home.
If you were invited to the shower, and can’t attend. Don’t worry about a gift. Its not required.
For the wedding, yes ship it to the couple ahead of time. Their registries should be all set up for this. Bring a card on the day of the wedding.
I have an orthodontist appointment tomorrow, and I’m 99% sure I’m telling the doctor that I want my braces removed. I’m totally fed up with this entire process.
It’s been 40 months. I’ve had a non-stop headache the entire time, and I was already prone to migraines. I’ve used up almost all my PTO on appointments. Final straw: at my last regular dentist appointment, the dentist informed me that the braces have caused significant gum erosion (due to the constant long-term tension on the roots, not due to hygiene issues. I’m maniacal about cleaning.)
Ortho constantly wants to make one more tweak, every appointment, and there’s no end in sight. I ask for a due date and get double talk. IMO perfect is the enemy of good enough. I’m so, so, SO sick of every aspect of this, and now it’s starting to do damage. WWYD?
(And no, he isn’t dragging it out for money. I finished paying at the two-year mark.)
Can you get a second opinion from another orthodontist? (Perhaps one with better hours?)
Wow. That sounds awful.
I had braces as an adult, and I think it took about 3 and a half years. I’d be ready to pull the plug, too. I’d want to pull the plug or get a hard end-date, SOON.
If it were my teeth, for me good enough would be good enough. Have the problems that you got the braces for been fixed by what’s been done so far?
40 months and you’ve had all these issue the entire time? Raise hell and get this ortho out of your life.
Also – reviews and a complaints – list facts about how bad this office has been to you. This does NOT sound ‘normal’. Is there a way to check this ortho’s record and see if any complaints have been filed similar to your experience?
I have braces on currently and for as much as I have hated this whole process, my ortho office and dentist have been lock step in agreement that the procedure will be completed in X range of months, and at each appt the ortho mentions it will be done within Y more months.
Of course my braces aren’t off yet, so I may not be the perfect comparison. I can say the ortho I use appears to have a plan and is interested in it completing successfully.
Hope this isn’t a dumb question, but can you switch to invisalign?
Yes, I did exactly this when I was in HS. I had braces for about a year and developed constant migranes and sinus infections. It interfered with my life to the point I missed school and sports practices.
So, I removed them and the migranes/sinus infections went away. My teeth were also demonstrably straighter, although they weren’t bad to begin with.
Best decision ever. Don’t be miserable for teeth.
Can you get a permanent retainer on your bottom teeth? I had that on my four front bottom teeth (as a teen) and it has kept my top teeth straight too.
I had my braces removed early because of my gums. I did have to spend time chomping on a positioner for a while, but that was fine.
Hey everyone. I posted last week about waiting on hearing back about my dream job but also having a deadline on a nonjob position that would conflict with dream job. I emailed HR Thursday (still no reply from them about where I stand on dream job). I accepted the nonjob this morning.
I’ve honestly been sad about dream job but I am excited for this opportunity and am going to make the most of things. Thanks for the good advice.
Kat in VA
Thanks for the update – I was wondering how that turned out for you!
I am looking to get some new everyday undies. Does anyone have good experience with gap body? I used to get Soma Hipsters but they seems to have changed the design for the one i like to include bunch more lace on the band.
I just bought some from Gap & they’re amazing. I didn’t like the Soma ones though (that elastic cut in by the end of the day).
Did you get the Breathable or Breathe line?
Love the Breathe girl short! I have a couple of pairs of the lace girl short, too, but go down a size for those.
Trip Advisor advice – I loved a particular accommodation and want to know if other reviewers who also liked it have reviewed similar properties in another country I’m looking at for next year’s vacation. Is there a way to search which other properties have been reviewed?
You can view someone’s profile and see all their reviews there. So yes, but it’s not terribly efficient because you have to look at each person individually.