Coffee Break: Faye Flap Shoulder Bag

128 Comments

1. My team is looking for part-time attorneys for a research and writing-intensive role in Chicago. I’ve been with this legal services firm for three years, and love the work (and the clients, which is not easy to say in a legal services vendor role!) Right now we’re looking for someone to backfill a position for about 20-24 hours a week. The position might be ideal for someone wanting to lean out a bit for her family’s sake, but still keep her skills and resume sharp (and there’s potential for the position to expand to full time in the future).

   If you’re interested, or know someone who might be, drop me a line for more info: chicagolegalmanager at gmail dot com.

   1. Is there any option for remote work? Is an active IL bar required?

      1. Active IL bar is not required (though bar licensing in any state is).

         Remote work might be a possibility for part of the work, though being in-office at least 1 day a week would be required.

   2. If you are still checking here, I emailed you!

2. Would you take a job that that was a big bump up in pay, flexibility, and prestige, even though you didn’t want it?

   Basically, I’m being approached by a company that really wants me to join them for a particular job. It would probably nearly double my pay and would involve more responsibility. It also is extremely flexible, hours-wise.

   The thing is that it has a very narrow focus. I have the expertise to be good at it, but the prospect of working in this particular area isn’t very appealing to me. my current job has pretty long hours and low pay, but I get to focus on lots of issues, rather than just one, and it’s a very good jumping off point for lots of other opportunities. The other job, on the other hand, might limit me in terms of what I could do next.

   I’m tempted to take it because the pay + flexibility would allow me to go to grad or law school part time and pay for it as well. But when I think about having a job that I don’t like very much for 3-5 years, I shudder.

   Has anyone ever done this before? How did it go for you/was it worth it?

   1. I basically did this a job ago, but with some different incentives for narrowing my professional focus. The tradeoff of was worth it and I’m not sorry I did it, although I only stayed a year and a half because of a weird intersection of events and personalities. I transitioned back into the broader field with no issues.

      In your shoes I’d take it. Nothing says you have to love your job and derive all of your life satisfaction from it, especially if it will have perks that allow you to focus on life goals like making bank or going to grad school.

   2. Yes. I would take it – try to be very focused and efficient about the work, save as much as possible and invest in other skill development (maybe convince them to help you invest in other skill development) that can be transferrable and offset some of the niche-y-ness. I think high flexibiltity and pay is really valuable and important and usually those opportunities do not arise. If it doesn’t work out within 1-2 years, I think you can always go back to what youw ere doing before and just say “oh i tried this and i realized i like previous job x better’

   3. no personal experience, but two things that I would factor in this decision:
      If you take the offer, will the presumed flexibility allow you to branch out in other ways than the paid work? Will there be room for volunteering, getting new qualifications, or a side-hustle?
      If you are leaning towards not taking it, how long have you been in your current job and how often have you been approached by other companies? Basically, are you reasonably sure another offer will present itself down the road?
      Actually, a third thing, this heavily depends on what industry you work in. In many professions, a good offer is excellent leverage to renegotiate your current job.

   4. Yes, take it. I doubt it will be very limiting as to what you could do next as you have the generalist experience from the job you have now. And if you really don’t like it, you can start looking around at the 1 to 1 1/2 year mark, but with that higher salary as your starting point for salary negotiations.

   5. Thanks for the feedback, it’s very helpful.

      I should mention that one of the reasons that I’m hesitant is that they want whoever takes the job to basically commit to staying awhile. On the low end, they’re thinking 5 years (!!), which is an eternity to me, but this is a very tough position to fill, so it makes sense that they’d want someone to stick around.

      I know that I could just say that I’ll stay and then bail after a couple of years, but that wouldn’t sit right with me, and my field is so small that it would probably burn some bridges.

      1. Eh, loyalty is so over. The company would have ZERO problem laying you off before 5 years if their fortunes change. I assume that if you really end up liking the job you will have no problem staying 5 years. If you don’t like the job and can’t fix it, then don’t worry about leaving it. The company has a role in that too, you know.

         And I say this as someone who has serious loyalty issues. I’ve been with the same company for 20 years. But round after round of layoffs are starting to cure me.

         1. +1 bazilliontrillionquadrillion

            No loyalty issues here personally. At my firm we are CONSTANTLY telling new hires we expect X years, and rarely get it, which is ultimately ok by us because the tactic is part of our weeding-out process… if the thought of this industry/commitment to what we do (non-law) is that scary, we don’t want yuo.

      2. That’s completely unreasonable. I’d push back and say something like, “While I understand where you’re coming from with wanting someone to commit to a 5-year contract, that’s just not something I’m able to do because I know from past experience that over that length of time, so many things could change in my personal life that might warrant my needing to have different professional priorities. I take my word very seriously, and I wouldn’t want to make a promise I’m not able to keep. “

         1. Why even respond? Smile and say yes of course.

3. Posted on the moms site but hoping to catch suggestions on this fresh post:

   Any suggestions on what to send an 8-year-old boy who just broke his arm? He’s heartbroken bc he will have to miss baseball season.

   1. Maybe if there’s a baseball team in his city, you could send him tickets to a game?

   2. What about one of those special notebooks for keeping score, and a book on baseball stats? He could learn to keep score at his own team’s games or watching his city’s team on TV.

   3. biographies of baseball greats

      books on baseball stadiums (sure, NYY and NYM have new stadia, so do others)

      maybe there’s a monopoly game themed for baseball

      baseball jigsaw puzzles and the puzzle glue to frame it later on

   4. Baseball cards if he loves baseball.
      Pokemon cards.
      Baseball books for kids – fact and/or fiction.
      Poor kid :(

   5. Thank you!

4. Thanks to Lorelai Gilmore for recommending a plus sized dress similar to the official recommendation. I know there are some regulars on here who are plus sized, as am I (though I’m a regular anon.)

   I would appreciate those of you with the shopping Kung-fu chiming in as often as possible. Maybe a plus-sized thread every day?

   I don’t think we need a separate section like c-moms. That’s like the walled off Plus section in a department store, between housewares and luggage.

   1. Yes please! That would be nice.

   2. That would be wonderful!

   3. No thank you

   4. I would like that as well.

   5. Count me in. Sizes 14-1x depending on, well, everything.

5. How low do your hours get before you start asking for work? If I’m plugging along at 150-160, I’m not actively seeking work but I’m not turning it down. I start to ask for work if I know I’m wrapping up a big assignment and I don’t have anything on the horizon, or if I’ve been in a lull (130-140) for more than a week or two and the assignments that are supposedly coming any day now still haven’t materialized. I’m interested to hear how others handle this.

   1. I usually try to ask when I’m getting close to not having anything to fill up my day. So, if I know that I’ve got, say, half a day’s work left on something and nothing to follow it other than maybe a few little things to follow up on, I would ask then. But I’m sure it varies a lot by how your general workflow and hours requirements fall. (Here, I do compliance questions, and there’s usually plenty of projects to fill up 8+ hours a day, and things are rarely on a strict timeframe. Most of the projects are self-contained (not like taking a new case or something that would be unpredictable/uneven). My bosses are generally pretty good at responding within a few hours when I ask for work. Because my hours are generally pretty constant, I don’t usually need to worry a lot about overall hours.)

   2. I think this all depends on how comfortable you are not meeting/exceeding hours. Personally, if I’m billing less than 100%, I’m at least casually looking for work. I might go one week without asking for work at 80% if I’ve had a busy few months, but beyond that I’m asking. How hard I ask depends on what I know is going around in the office. E.g., if it’s slow for a lot of people, I just mention that I can take on more work. If it’s busy, I just straight ask to get on the cases I want. But it’s important to me to exceed my hours budget, so I might be more aggressive than others.

6. Boyfriend and I are headed to NYC for the weekend. We have Hamilton tickets, and we’re planning to hit up the Brooklyn Brewery and walk the High Line. Staying in Midtown. Otherwise we’re kind of winging it. This will be my first weekend not working since like November. (Thanks, Big Law.) What would you do with your first free weekend in forever in NYC? Any dinner recs for places we can eat with a last minute (or no) reservation?

   1. So jealous of your Hamilton tickets I could scream. I don’t feel like a trip to NYC is complete without a good wander through Central Park.

      1. If you go to Central Park, go to Pastrami Queen. I very much dislike sandwich meat and had never had pastrami before, but OMG, I crave Pastrami Queen now.

         1. Yay! I love Pastrami Queen! It is so much better then other deli’s. Myrna and I are goeing tonite to eat there. The ONLEY issue is that they do NOT have alot of seat’s so we often have to take out our pastrami sammiches.

            I would also LOVE to see Hamilton, even tho the character’s are NOT true to history. I learned today that Hamilton is BURIED in the Trinity Churchyard near Wall Street. How fitting b/c he is on the $10 bill, and it does NOT even say anything about him being shot by Aaron Burre. FOOEY on him for shooteing Hamilton. FOOEY!

         2. there’s a momofuku milk bar near central park too!

      2. It was my only splurge from my bonus last year. Feeling pretty guilty about it, but it was the right thing to do.

         1. Do not feel guilty – that is awesome. I am dying to see Hamilton

      3. Agree – super jealous of your tickets for Hamilton. My roommate and I did the lottery in December when we were there, but no dice. Enjoy!

   2. I loved Ai Fiori, and it’s in Midtown. It’s $$$$ but very worth it. I’m not sure about the reservation situation but it’s kind of a business-y place so I think you might be able to get something on a weekend. Other (much) less spendy recs: Shake Shack if you don’t have one locally, The Meatball Shop, La Maison du Chocolat for chocolate macarons, Wafels & Dinges food truck and Dhaba on Lexington between 27th and 28th if you like Indian food. The Smith is good for brunch and takes reservations, so you can avoid the 1+ hour wait that seems to be standard in NYC.
      (So jealous you are seeing Hamilton!!)

      1. Plus there’s a Shake Shack on 8th near 45th(?), so you could hit it up pre- or post-Hamilton for a delicious snack.

   3. Tournesol or Alobar in Long Island City. Super-easy to get to by hopping on the 7 train (or Uber) from Midtown, amazing food (Tournesol for more traditional French bistro, Alobar for slightly more experimental). And they’re both so relaxed and fun and friendly – no waiting in line to get in, easy to reserve if you want, and you can sit at your table and drink wine and chat without being rushed. Don’t let the Queens thing fool you.

      1. Cafe Henri, right across the street from Tournesol, is also very tasty.

         1. Casa Enriques, which I’m pretty sure is owned by the same people and is sort of around the corner, is also very good.

   4. I’m in the lottery for Hamilton tickets. Very envious of you!

      Hit up Black Tap Craft Burgers & Beer. They are the place with those fancy milkshakes all over social media and the news lately. One in Soho and another in Meatpacking District (more seating).

   5. Check out Hearth in the East Village (I think you can probably get a last minute reservation). Pouring Ribbons (LES) is fun if you guys like cocktails.

      Esca in Hell’s Kitchen if you like seafood. Craft (Flatiron) is good, and I think you’d be able to get a table.

      1. +1 to Esca. I went there last year based on recommendations from here and it was fantastic.

7. Having a good day, because I found out today I got a call back for a job I had a phone interview for last week and am very excited about! More excited than I’ve been about an opportunity in a long time, actually – the description is right in my wheelhouse and I felt like I immediately had good chemistry with the team members I’ve talked with.

   Fingers crossed it seems just as good and goes just as well in person!

   1. Fingers crossed for you!

8. Desperation here. My couch smells funny… like kind of barnyard-y. I have no idea why- my dog technically isn’t allowed on it although he occasionally secretly naps on it.

   The cover is cotton twill and machine washable, so Step 1 is to wash that. Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can clean the rest of it?? It’s a Pottery Barn couch where the pillows on the seats and back come off. Can I somehow wash them in a bathtub and let them dry in the sun or something?

   I have already tried sprinkling baking soda on it and vacuuming it off.

   1. I would wash the covers and then set the inserts (foam, I presume) in direct sunlight without any other washing. Maybe add baking soda while in the sun (let it sit) and then vacuum when you bring them in at the end of the day. And see if that helps first. You’ll have a b!tch of a time getting the stuffing to all dry properly if you get it wet.

      1. I like this plan a lot.

         I also have diapers to sun, so I’ll just have a big sunning party on my lawn. I am going to be super popular with the neighbors.

   2. It might be worth having it professionally cleaned. My dog is ancient and tends to drool, etc. so I broke down and hired a carpet cleaning place to do the couch. It surprised me by being really affordable (I think it was like $99? maybe less?) and made it look BRAND new. (It’s off white, also.) I got it done once since then, too. Totally worth it to me if you can swing the $$. It will end up cleaner and you won’t risk getting different colors on the upholstery by washing and drying parts of it separately.

      1. Did you bring the couch to them or did they come to your house?

         1. They came to the house! I had no idea this was a regular carpet-cleaning service but apparently it is. I had them do the couch, our dining room chairs, and two area rugs.

   3. Depending on what the pillows are made of, I wouldn’t submerge them in water. Feathers or natural fibres can grow mold if they don’t dry properly. Definitely try sunning them though.

      1. Yeah, I am hesitant to submerge them because I don’t want my living room smelling like dirty sponge. Sunshine seems to be the answer.

   4. I spray my (dog-used) family room couch with “Smells Begone” often. It’s like Febreeze for fabrics but it doesn’t have a fragrance (as I react to fragrances in products) and it doesn’t try to cover the smell with fragrance. Available at amazon and sometimes at my local Ace Hardware or similar. I also use it on my car upholstery and car rugs.

      1. I’ll keep an eye out, thanks!

         I tried Febreeze but it doesn’t get the barnyard-y stink out…

   5. We had an IKEA couch with removable cotton slip covers. I washed the cushion covers once, and the seams all frayed so much that it showed through the stitching!! It really ruined the couch :(
      I would take a look at how your covers are finished before throwing them in the machine. Maybe start with a gentle soak?

      1. I’ve washed them once before and they came out okay. Thanks for looking out for me though!

9. I’m looking for anecdata on (mirena) IUDs. I had mine put in about 3 months ago (4 months post partum) and have had spotting ever since. My libido has also been non-existent, even though prior to insertion it was slowly starting to return. I’m so done with this. Did anyone have a similar experience with an IUD? what did you do?

   Alternatively, what is your preferred BC that doesn’t stunt milk production (still nursing!)?

   1. We used c*ndoms. Neither of us mind. Not sure if we’d be long term users of this method but while I’m BFing I don’t want to be on the pill and didn’t want an IUD a because we will likely TTC when I’m done BFing first baby

      1. I really don’t want a second any time soon (if ever) so the effectiveness of the IUD is what sold me on it. And we both dislike c-ndoms. Wish we didn’t.

         1. Paraguard isn’t hormonal so that’s an optional, but even Mirena is much lower on hormones than other BCs.

            1. I hated Paraguard. Insertion was one of the most painful things in my life. Never had kids. Period cramps were incredibly painful, much much heavier than in the past, and longer. Like debilitative. It was lodged correctly. Had it removed after a year. Back to hormonal birth control – Aviane. Periods are so much better. Will never get it again.

            2. I LOVED Paragard. Yes, insertion was painful and it hurt for 2-4 days after, but after that I never knew it was there. 100% effective for me. Just offering this so you bear in mind that everyone has a different result wtih Paragard. I’d get it again in a heartbeat.

      2. I gotta say, I think c*ndom’s failure rates are greatly exaggerated. They have been my sole method of BC for more than 15 years and no oops baby yet. I’ve talked about this with my OB and she has told me they’re incredibly effective if used every single time, used correctly and if you take plan B in the event of a breakage (which has never happened to me, but you are aware when it happens). She said the failure rates are so much higher because they tend to be more popular among teens who aren’t always careful and don’t have good access to plan B if it breaks. If you don’t like them however, that’s a separate issue. but I wouldn’t avoid them because you’re scared of a failure.

         1. Yep. Used them for years before pulling the goalie and no accidents.

   2. Honestly, that sounds like my post partum experience (although spotting had stopped by 4ish months pp) and I didn’t have an IUD then. BF can do a number on libido.
      Got my IUD several years later and didn’t have those symptoms.

   3. I tried the mini-pill (safe for bf) and felt weird on it. Hard to describe, but I never quite felt like myself, and felt great again when I went off.

      Then I switched to the diaphragm and liked it much better.

      Then I had a tubal ligation and I like it best!

      1. I would love to hear more about your experience with the diaphragm!

         1. I liked the diaphragm pretty well. You have to get fitted for it, which was not a big deal for me. Certainly nothing like the stories of IUD insertion I hear.

            Once you have it the usual recommendation is to put it in every night before bed. My husband and I both work long hours so we were definitely not getting it on every night. So j just took a moment before s3x to”freshen up” and put it in. Then you leave it in a certain number of hours after. I had no difficulties removing it and it didn’t bother me when it was in.

            You use sp3rmacide around the rim and inside the cup. That’s how it works, it holds the stuff up against your cervix. I had to try a couple of brands to find one I liked. But after that I could have kept using it forever. I did the ligation because we knew we were done having kids. My husbands v failed so I went under. That was pretty easy too.

            1. Can you tell me more about the tubal? How invasive was it? What is recovery time? Any issues with insurance covering it? Any other tips?

               My husband has some ED issues, so I am reluctant for him to go the v route, but he also doesn’t want me to do something really invasive. I’m using the nuvaring right now, which I really like, but I would love to just be finished with birth control altogether and not chance a change-of-life baby down the road.

            2. I had the tubal done laprascopically. I was put under briefly, woke up in recovery, went home not long after. I had to take it easy for a few days, but that was it. Instantly effective, zero worries and way more spontaneity.

               You have to be 100% sure you never want more kids but I was 37 and had just had my second child.

               13 years later and no regrets.

            3. Note for the diaphragm: I liked mine, but my partner discovered a sp3rmicide sensitivity that was previously unknown. The small amount in other products was OK, but the amount used in this was too much and irritating. I felt like it increased UTIs for me. I’m now a Mirena fan.

      2. Done two ways —

         Am on minipill this time. No change in milk production. (On minipill for a month. I’m 9 weeks pp. no sex yet, but don’t want opps kid.).

         Last time was c@ndom and pulling out. That was fine, too. Changed to minipill bc I don’t particularly like c@ndoms. (isn’t that what he is supposed to say? ;) )

   4. Re: IUD spotting, I’m not sure what that’s about…didn’t happen for me, but I used the paragard and loved it. Maybe see your doctor?

      Low s*x drive could be just typical post-partum symptom, speaking from experience.

      Does the arm injection BC stunt milk production?

      1. If you’re talking about implanon/nexplanon, no it doesn’t stunt milk production. I got it inserted 6 weeks after I had my daughter. However, after two amazing experiences with implanon, this third time has been a giant PITA. Two week long periods. Completely unpredictable spotting. Its been going on for over a year, and it hasnt gotten better. I’m about to give up and switch to something. But it was so perfect for me (no periods for 5+ years… heaven!) the first time around I’m still kind of foolishly hopeful it’ll work again.

      2. The spotting is very common on Mirena because it’s hormonal (paragard is not).

   5. I spotted for awhile on Mirena…it cleared up after a few months. My libido didn’t return until I was done bfing, but that was the case while I was on the mini-pill as well.

   6. I had my Mirena inserted when I was a year post partum. I probably spotted for 4 months, on and off. I still get periods, but the bleeding is significantly less than when I was on the pill, Nuva Ring, or nothing. I will say, your experience sounds a lot like my regular post partum experience. DH and I both hate c*ndoms, and I always forget to take the pill, and I got pregnant with our youngest child doing natural fertility tracking, so Mirena works for me.

   7. I had the mirena and no spotting or libido decrease – in fact mine went waaay up on it compared to traditional bcp. Perhaps talk to your doctor again in a few weeks if that’s still the case? I loved having the iud except when i almost yanked it out of me with the suction of removing my divacup

   8. I spotted for almost a year straight on Mirena – I would say that 20 days out of 30, it was heavy enough to need a pad (which was pretty miserable from a s*xytimes perspective). I also starting losing hair. I got it pulled (which sucked, because it was embedded in my uterus), and went back to pills.

   9. I had a few bad reactions to Mirena and one was low libido. It was bad. I switched to Paragard and LOVED it – did not find increased cramps or period. As an added bonus, we conceived 12 days after it was removed (instead of neededing to get through that hormone-readjustment period that is apparently common with hormonal bc).

      1. Oh, and I spotted for all 18-24 months I had Mirena.

   10. I spotted consistently for maybe 4 months. It was driving me CRAZY, but finally stopped. I don’t have libido issues. I do get occasional mild cramps though.

   11. Nursing is a libido and energy KILLER.
       I honestly did not understand “libido” until I realized that I didn’t have one via nursing.
       I’m sure the spotting & anxiety about that don’t help either :(
       Sorry no advice only empathy

   12. I had spotting for quite awhile, maybe 6 months, before it stopped. It finally did, and I have loved mine ever since! It’s been 4 years now, and it seems like every 3 months I’ll have a minor amount of spotting, but no period other than that. So glad to be done with all that.

   13. I had the Mirena for 6 miserable months. Spotting, no drive, moody, bad cramps, etc. Had it checked almost monthly because the OB was convinced it must be a placement issue. It wasn’t, I just had a bad experience. Had it removed and felt 100% better almost immediately.

   14. I had spotting for 2-3 months after my iud was inserted and then it stopped. I’ve had it for about 3 years now and I love it! Minimal period (I can use a panty liner), no effect on my libido, no worries.

   15. I’ve had a mirena for about 5 months. Dr warned it takes at least 4 months but usually closer to 6 for it to settle down. The first 3 months I spotted all the time, but then the last 2 months have settled down. Now I have regular periods, except lighter than they used to be and less frequently than in the past. I’m hoping they continue to get lighter and less frequent (& gynae says that’s likely).

   16. I recently had a Mirena removed after 5 years. I am going to have a replacement inserted in the next month. I had spotting initially but thereafter no issues. During the 5 years, the duration and heaviness of my period was significantly reduced and for that I am eternally, eternally grateful

   17. Coming in late, but I got Skyla a little while back and it’s basically like a smaller Mirena – I’m still getting those side effects, but much much less (for comparison, around 1 in 3 women lose their period on Mirena and 1 in 17 on Skyla). It only lasts 3 years instead of 5, but that was worth it to me.

10. I am a new manager of a team that is, to put it simply, not very nice to one another. People are snippy, assume totally unrealistic negative intentions from their coworkers, and are especially passive aggressive – emphasis on aggressive! We are not in a field where this sort of behavior is accepted or remotely okay. It’s across the board – no one is getting bullied or anything, they’re just all really rude to each other. Their prior manager moved up and is now my manager. She isn’t a great manager, and she spent her energy on trying to reduce their stress levels to indirectly reduce the mean spirited behavior. That doesn’t work. Does anyone have suggestions about how to address this as a manager?

    1. That situation cries out for team building work. I’m not usually into the touchy-feely stuff, but the team building exercises I’ve been to at offsites have really helped me get along with some of my more difficult coworkers, and I’ve seen the group I manage get closer. You’re not going to get everyone but maybe you can get a critical mass.

    2. Oh man. I am going to follow this thread. I am having a similar problem with my team. Over the past few months, I have started seen the same thing play out a couple times: someone makes a fairly minor mistake or messes something up, and then everyone is really mean to them and acts like they can’t be trusted.

       It’s tough because on one hand, I don’t want to act like it’s A-OK to mess stuff up, but I do recognize that everyone’s human and makes mistakes occasionally. I have one team member who is always the ringleader of this and whenever I give her a “stay in your lane” talk, she points out (not incorrectly) that it affects her when others make mistakes.

       I feel like if they all were a little friendlier, they would be more forgiving of these small missteps, but I’m just not sure how to get them there.

       1. The team member sounds like she needs to hear that her behaviour
          -doesn’t prevent any mistakes
          -hurts team productivity
          -should be replaced by constructive comments

    3. I think I’m on your team (kidding). I think the major problem we’ve had is a lack of leadership. Roles and goals are very loosely defined. I resent my co-workers when I do work I believe is their responsibility. And, when I act in service of what I think our goals are, I often find out that it was wasted effort. I don’t think teambuilding is the way to go here – rather, I’d have a one-on-one chat with each person to find out what’s going on (or at least what everyone thinks is going on).

       1. +1 everyone probably thinks they’re pulling the weight of the department, and resentment has built up as a result.

          At my Old Job, I was never thanked for anything, never given any recognition, except to say, “Great job on X? Now we’re giving you ABCD as a reward!” Yes, more work was seen as a reward. (In fact, my boss has the nerve to tell me that in lieu of a raise, the “additional work” I took on in my tenure was my reward.) At my current job, I feel appreciated for my contributions, and coworkers thank each other across the board (it’s not excessive),

11. I need help breaking a bad habit I seem to have developed recently in my marriage.

    Lately, I’ve noticed that when my husband does something I don’t like, I gently ask him not to do whatever it was–and then I point out that when I’m faced with the same situation, I don’t do whatever the initial objectionable behavior was.

    I am having trouble turning off this comparison impulse, and I know it’s annoying (and unhelpful) to him. Has anyone successfully combated something similar? I do think there’s value in learning from one another and being able to model the kind of partnership that we want, and in general we’re really good at that, but I want to stop feeling like I’m trying to one-up him. Doesn’t help that I tend to be the perfectionist control freak in the househould, which is probably why we’re both so sensitive to this kind of behavior from me.

    1. Give him a (ridiculous) reminder word. When you get into comparision territory, he looks at you and says “pickled beets” or “butterscotch” as a reminder.

       And you practice the phrase “please don’t do that” with a full stop afterwards.

    2. I could have written this! I did this too after our marriage (part of me was like ‘I can’t deal with this annoying behavior for the rest of my life’ I guess) and it took him 4 years to start screaming he couldn’t take it anymore … Oops… I’ve been trying very hard to stop myself now. If something annoys me, I say it, but I bite my lips at the point when I start comparing.
       It’s tough, as it became such a second nature, but it seems like now he responds better to my feedback, so win-win?

12. For the lawyers here, what advice would you give to someone is considering turning down an offer from a possibly AmLaw 200) I’m not sure. This offer is contingent on them passing the bar exam, which they took back in February.

    This person was offered a scholarship to a T8 law school but chose instead to go to go part time to a law school closer to home. The debt they have is minimal (less than $12,000). If they turn down the offer they most likely be looking for a legal aid or social services advocacy type work where lots of it is pro bono and unpaid.

    If you were close with this person or in this person’s shoes what advice would give them (if any)? Thanks in advance!

    1. *an offer from a possibly AmLaw 200 firm (I’m not sure if it is)

       Also I’m not being critical or judgmental of her choices. I just wondered what advice more experienced attorneys would give a new graduate on her situation.

    2. I wouldn’t give them any advice, unless they asked for it.

       Otherwise, it would depend on the questions the person with the job offer was asking. Are they asking about quality of life? About hours? Type of work? Opportunities down the road?

    3. I think turning down any job offer when you don’t have other offers on the table is always risky, and the economic climate for lawyers is worse than for the public at large. On the other hand, if they feel strongly that they don’t want to be in Big Law and they have less than $10K of debt, I don’t think it’s the craziest decision in the world.

    4. This probably isn’t very helpful, but I don’t think I’d give any advice really. I’d be there as a sounding board and ask a lot of questions, but at the end of the day this is an intensely personal decision that she’s going to have to be comfortable with.

       What I would be thinking is that you’re crazy to turn down a job without another offer in hand in this market. If she really wants to do non-profit work, then great, keep looking once you’re in biglaw. But I don’t think I’d say that to my friend. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to grab a friend and shake her til she changes her mind about a decision I thought was incredibly stupid… and it ended up being really amazing. Sometimes unconventional paths end up being the most successful.

    5. I also wonder about a firm that would make an offer contingent on passing the bar. Maybe for a lateral associate who is trying to move to a new jurisdiction (although even then I have not seen offers contingent on bar passage), but for a 3L or recent grad who took the bar for the first time in February it seems exceptionally harsh. Almost all large law firms give people at least two attempts. I would be a little worried that that attitude says something about the firm’s treatment of its employees generally.

    6. Thanks everyone for the responses.

       I didn’t exactly word my statement the best way when I mentioned that the offer was contingent on her passing the bar. I only meant that she couldn’t start working there until she passed it. Because she went to school part time she didn’t finish law school at the time when the majority of law students finish in the spring. I was just trying to say that she is a brand new graduate who just took the bar.

       I will of course be there as a sounding board or for any advice that she needs. The reason I asked for advice here is because it’s been well over two decades since I’ve graduated law school and worked at a firm. I’ve been in-house and mostly deal with one small boutique firm in a very specialized area so I’m not sure how things are now or what has changed.

       1. Everything is worse.

    7. No advice. But if they asked, I’d say take the risk and go public interest! For sure!

       -Signed, person who has spent time at a Top-8 and now Top-40 firm and would loooove to be in public interest.

13. I found out my manager has decided to go ahead and hire another me (same background, same level of experience, same work duties) to handle our team’s increased workload, but I also noticed the pay range for the position – the minimum is a bit more than what I make now! And this is for someone who has the same level of experience I had when I got here 2 years ago. I’ve been meaning to push for a raise for a while now, and I think now I should definitely go for it. I don’t mind if they end up hiring someone with a little more experience than me or a better track record and they end up getting paid more than me because of it, but I feel that I should at least get the minimum amount they’re looking to pay this new person. Does that make sense or am I way off here?

    1. what you don’t ask, you don’t get….

       1. Right, I just want to make sure it’s not a completely ridiculous reason to want a raise.

          1. Your questions get odder and odder. I really think you need to work on your self confidence

    2. I think that’s reasonable– you can always cite market research as why you’re asking. Which is true– the market for a “you” pays more, as evidenced by the fact that they want to pay a new you more. And you should aim for more than the minimum– you have 2 more years of experience than the listing!

       1. Yes, I’d like the midpoint if at all possible and I should aim for that (the midpoint is 50% more than what I make right now, not joking), but even an increase to the minimum would make a huge difference in my finances.

14. My SIL was recently laid off while on maternity leave (no FMLA protections, grrrrr) and I’m trying to help her find a new job. Do you think resumes need objectives? I am a government lawyer and may be out of touch with the “real world” but we never see them when hiring.

    1. Objectives are out, a brief profile is in. Get thee to AskAManager blog for resume help.

    2. Never seen them on a lawyer resume but not sure about non-law jobs.

    3. A recruiter I recently worked with edited my resume with me over the phone. As he deleted my objective section he just said, “never helps, sometimes hurts.”

    4. The objective is to get the job you are applying for.
       No, no “OBJECTIVE: ” section. Trust me.

15. Anyone out there as bitter and frustrated by their job search as I am at the moment? I was laid off from a contractor gig in an in house counsel position. (they strung me around for 18 months claiming that
    As soon as they got approval from the higher ups, they would be able to make it a perm position – and the gullible dumb b*tch that I am, I believed them!!!!). I feel like I will never get another job, my resumes have been either met with defending silence, or, in the rare case I get an interview for a company I like, the perfect candidate falls out of the sky, and I am pushed aside!!!

    1. I’m sorry, that’s so frustrating. I commiserate. I’ve been looking for over a year and every time I get an interview, they end up canceling the position and not hiring anyone. I’d really like to get an interview for an ACTUAL job.

    2. Yes. I’ve been looking for six months because my job situation is miserable, but I can’t get a job in the area I want because I need at least another year of experience. But another year in my current job makes me consider jumping in front of a bus. (Not kidding. Yes I’m in therapy. Yes solely because of this job.)

       The only thing that helps me is trying to take my job one day at a time. If I ever can’t do it ONE more day, I call in sick and work from home.

       Obviously no advice; just commiseration.

    3. Don’t talk about yourself like that. You wouldn’t let someone else talk about you like that and keep them around. So don’t let yourself, talk about yourself that way. We are all human. It sounds like they strung you along.

       Searching for a job is hard. But you need to find value in yourself that is not your job and keep plugging away. It sucks so much. There’s only so much you can do to job hunt. You have to work on improving yourself elsewhere. Read books on your weak areas. Improve yourself physically and emotionally. People who hire want to hire someone who they want to work with so in the meantime work to be the best version of yourself in other areas.

       Finally, if you get a rejection, send them a letter thanking them and telling them that although you aren’t right for the position right now, you are interested in part time, consulting, or other work. Showing you aren’t insulted by the rejection will go a long way if the person they do hire doesn’t work out down the road.

       signed,

       I was rejected three times for my dream job and they called me back 2 years later

       1. *3 of the longest, hardest years of my life

16. I would look at it with outfit how it could fit to each other

17. Love the burgundy and python bag the most, and it actually looks like “spring” . Postal colors are not for everyone, especially with bags! I totally feel you with the grey and beige nail polish, it just looks clean and can also match for with everything you wear. I tend to wear black and brown bags all year long especially because its easy to wear with anything, but it get boring for me at times. Any suggestions? Not trying to walk around with bright colored bags but also want something different that is not to expensive.

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