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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Cinch-Waist Double Breasted Blazer

Navy double-breasted blazer with gold tones buttons

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’m seeing a lot of double-breasted blazers this season, but the cinched waist of this River Island version adds a little something extra. The menswear-inspired double-breasted look can occasionally look a little boxy or shapeless, but the waist here gives it a lovely, defined shape and the gold buttons give it a little bit of glam.

The blazer is $140 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 2–14.

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

291 Comments

      4. Can report multiple sightings of acid-wash low rise jeans in the wild. This is not a drill.

  2. On the topic of out-of-pocket medications and pricing yesterday afternoon:

    As GoodRX, Marc Cuban etc were mentioned, can anyone familiar with the insurance business speak to whether you can submit the receipts for medications bought on such sites to your insurance and get reimbursed for it, or get the costs applied to the deductible?

    I was shocked recently to learn that there is a service called Ulta Labtests where you can order lab tests for a much discounted price, out of pocket. I usually get my annual blood work done through insurance without cost, but paid $250 for vitamine D levels since apparently this is not reimbursed any more. On Ulta Labs it was $25.

    (Side note: Coverage for Vit D testing was removed during Covid since a link between low Vit D and worse outcomes was publicized early during the pandemic, which seemingly prompted tons of people to get this lab test, and shortly after many plans removed coverage. WTH.)

    1. As the OP yesterday:
      – my birth control is lo loestrin, which doesn’t have a generic; I prefer it because it’s a lower dose of estrogen. I was able to use a manufacturer coupon to get the cost down to under $200, which is still outrageous but I can swallow it for the next three months.

      I am pretty sure you can pay for GoodRx etc with FSA or HSA money.

    2. Does anyone know the name of the DNA test that people use to determine things like good ADHD meds to try or avoid? I might try Ulta Labtests b/c the drs in my area regard the DNA tests for this as snakeoil. I know they aren’t a silver bullet but it’s not a harmful test and might yield helpful info.

        2. I feel like doctors who are out of school are maybe suspicious of new things or not 100% up on things like a really motivated patient is. I get that Doctor Google can be wrong and there’s a lot of misinformation on the web, but doing a non-invasive test that might be helpful if a patient is willing to pay seems to be a no-brainer.

          I have had some great doctors and OK doctors and some doctors who missed major things, so my default is not just to blindly accept something just because a doctor says it.

      2. I used the Genesight test and found it to be useful. My provider had to order it and I think I paid $300 out of pocket (with HSA money).

    3. My insurance just covered 100% of a Vitamin D test that was ordered after a low density bone scan. Coverage my depend on the medical necessity of the test.

      1. Mine covered it a few months ago too. I had no particular indication for testing, but I turned out to be very deficient, so I guess it’s a good thing it did! I have had some weird health issues things going on, though, so I guess it’s more merited than if I was completely healthy. I’ve not seen any difference since I started taking supplements, though.

    4. It’s going to depend on your employer/insurer and their rules. Some will allow you to submit GoodRx claims to apply to your deductible and OOP max, but others will exclude GoodRx purchases. This was a big item of contention for my employer several years ago – they made our pharmacy manager jump through hoops to exclude GoodRx purchases.

    5. Mark Cuban’s pharmacy recently added it’s first insurer, Capital BCBS. They are currently working with other insurance companies to provide coverage.

      (My insurance covered a Vit D test for me this year, but it did need to be coded in a specific way.)

    6. Most plans only cover in-network pharmacies, so this would most likely not be covered by your insurance plan.

    7. GoodRx gives you a discount code to use at your regular pharmacy. So you can have the discount applied and then submit your remaining bill to your carrier. I had a Vitamin D test rejected but my doctor resubmitted it with a reminder I have previously been low on D, and it was covered. Ask your doc for help.

    8. Depending on your insurer, LabCorp and Quest are usually the cheapest option for lab tests (through your insurer). They have agreed to lower reimbursement rates plus they are bigger so they have more scale and automation. You can ask your dr to specifically send your lab tests to them and your out of pocket payment can be much lower. (Which I unfortunately found out the hard way…)

      1. LabCorp charged my $450 for a Vitamin D test so be careful. The rest of the bloodwork cost less than the Vitamin D test alone.

        1. That’s totally atypical. I had my Vitamin D tested at Labcorp and it cost very little, I promise you. I work in health care. Did your doctor specify a really unusual vitamin D test? There are a few different ones, I believe. But the routine ones are very inexpensive.

          I would call Labcorp and confirm why you were charged so much, and call the doctor’s office to see if they forgot to add an appropriate diagnosis code.

          Labcorp is usually the cheapest. If I do my labs at my local clinic/hospitals where my doctor’s practice, my labs cost 5-10x as much.

  3. What are your tips for simplifying or streamlining your life? I’m starting grad school in January while working fulltime and am trying to plan ahead ways to spend less time on life-maintenance stuff in my free time.

    So far I have cleaning service and grocery delivery on the list. What have you outsourced or streamlined and felt it was a good value?

    1. I travel a lot and we have a weekly clean, meal kit delivery weekly, and these good frozen vegan meals in the freezer. The only other autosubscribe things are the eco laundry and dishwasher pods and toilet paper delivery (a big box lasts 6 months). But honestly, we just do/buy less? Certain things are a routine – my grocery shop whilst travelling is the same every week – non-dairy yoghurt, granola, a pack of apples, smoked salmon, a pack of asian greens, bagels, pb, and udon noodles.

        1. AllPlants! Really good, except for the kung pao cauliflower, which is terrible. All the noodle dishes are great, and the mac and greens. They come packed in dry ice which allows for fun science experiments as well. Often you can get a voucher for half off. Their desserts are very good.

          1. Ooh thanks! I’m a busy vegetarian but I get tired of the junk-food meat substitutes. This looks great :)

    2. You can add laundry to the outsourcing list.

      For me, the most helpful thing is to come up with routines and systems for lots of little things like clothes, etc. Like Obama wearing the same color suit every day. Figure out a daily uniform, easy meal ideas, etc. Some “routines” that currently work for me – I make a big hearty soup for the week every Sunday so that I can eat that as needed, and Uniqlo pants and sweaters for work which look put together but are comfy like casual wear.

      1. I was going to mention Obama! Totally set up your routines so you have to make as few choices as possible. I also appreciate autoship/subscribe & save type options so I don’t (often) find myself having to run out for toothpaste/etc. unexpectedly.

        1. +2. Capsule wardobe, same hair and makeup every day (I do switch up my lipstick and earrings).

    3. They two biggest value add areas in my opinion are a cleaning service and ready to eat meal delivery.

      YMMV but grocery delivery has never felt like it’s added a lot of value for me. We live close to the store and the free pickup is just about as convenient. Laundry also doesn’t feel like something that’s worth paying for since I work from home and can do it on a weekday pretty easily. We would like to outsource yard work but have had a difficult time doing that. But that’s easier to let slide in busy times. You have to eat and have clean clothes, you don’t have to have a perfect yard.

    4. I work full time and do grad school part time, I’ll post back later with some of my tips.

      1. Okay, here are some of my tips / suggestions. It’s a long list, apologies in advance.

        I work full time and am in remote grad school part time. I’m also cash flowing grad school myself (I pay for it all upfront and my employer reimburses me 50% at the end of the semester), so money has been tight for me.

        I have the somewhat unpopular opinion that if you want to maintain your pre-grad school life badly enough, you can. I had asked a similar question here back when I started and was told that I’d have to give up my social life, hobbies, personal care while in school and I’m happy to report that while I have cut back some, I’ve been mainly able to maintain my same lifestyle. I am extremely scheduled and organized in order to make it work, but it can be done! Come December, I’ll be 1/3 of the way through my program, I’ve maintained a 4.0, I’ve completed 2 triathlons while in school, and my social life is still pretty strong. That being said, I’ve almost entirely cut out travel: I don’t have the money for it and I can’t manage to do it during the school year. I do a few weekend trips (to visit friends, to go to weddings) and those just about wipe me out.

        My top tips are:
        – I live and die by my routines. You’ll figure out what works best for you, but routines, organization, schedules, are KEY.
        – I now wake up at 5:30 AM every week day so that I can do HW for an hour+ and workout before work. Basically, when I leave my house for work I have done everything I “need” to do for the day so I can spend my evenings relaxing, having fun, but sometimes I do end up doing more work.
        – My job is mostly in person (I WFH on Monday and Friday), but my school is remote (and my classes are on Mondays). I make sure to never have a day where I don’t see other people (I live alone) so on Mondays I make a plan to see someone or do something after class ends.
        – I thought I’d do class in person, but not having another commute is a life changer. I also love that I can call into class in my sweatpants, I can eat dinner while I’m in class. I’m surprised how much I prefer remote class.
        – Not to be a downer, but I’d recommend finding a therapist it you don’t have one already. Grad school ravaged my mental health, and the mental health of many of my friends. I ended up on anxiety medication and it has absolutely been the right move for me.
        – Relatedly, it is SO IMPORTANT to not give up things that bring you joy and are restorative for you. You need to find ways to fit in activities that are relaxing, that refill your cup, and that allow you to maintain your social connections.
        – I buy my textbooks both in hard copy (my preferred method of reading) and in electronic copy. That lets me fit in 5 minutes of reading while waiting for an appointment, riding the metro, on the treadmill, etc.
        – I’m not sure how often your cleaning service comes and if you’ll need to be doing any cleaning between services. I spend 5-10 minutes every day tidying up or cleaning (wipe down counters, vacuum, put everything away), and then once a week I’ll spend like 30 minutes to actually clean (clean bathroom/kitchen, clean out fridge, dust, mop floors), and then once every 6 weeks I”ll like “deep clean”. For me, with my ADHD I can’t do work or focus in a messy environment. but also, the more I clean the easier it is to clean.
        – I meal prep 2 meals a week and then supplement with easy meals and lots of healthy snacks. I’m usually too tired to eat a full meal at night, so I meal prep a hearty breakfast (frittata with veggies) and lunch (grain bowl or soup) and then have things on hand for an easy dinner (sandwich, pasta, toast, oatmeal). My meal prep for the week takes less than an hour and I try to plan the same veggies for the soup and frittata for less food waste. I also use a lot of frozen ingredients.
        – I always make leftovers to freeze. I always have a few healthy, homemade meals in the freezer and some store bought options too (I love TJs, but also love French bread pizzas). This has led me to save money as I basically never get takeout anymore. I also rely on the Whole Foods hot bar when I am craving takeout.

      2. Part two, I have a lot of recs!

        – I keep some favorite recipes in a Google doc so I don’t have to waste energy on deciding what to make. There are definitely weeks where I want to experiment and try something new, but I like having these options on weeks I’m not up to it. I get a lot of my recipes from BudgetBytes.
        – I wear a lot of dresses to work (don’t have to put a whole outfit together) but I also have a handful of go to pant/top outfits so I don’t have to think about what to wear. With my hybrid schedule, I only need like 5-6 outfits per season. I don’t limit myself to these options, but like having ideas in a note on my phone for days I’m too tired to come up with an outfit.
        – Basically, limit decision making as much as you can!
        – Each night before bed I lay out my clothes, pack my work bag/gym bag, and pack breakfast/lunch.
        – I chose a gym with workout classes and the ability to rent a locker. I don’t have to plan my workouts, I just go to class. And, I have a gym at locker to keep my stuff in if I decide to go to the gym before work (I also workout at home pretty often).
        – Take a day a week to do no school work, for me it’s Friday. I love a low key Friday evening. About once a month, I choose a Saturday and do pretty much nothing. I just relax and do what I want to do and am not productive in any way.
        – I prefer to do order online and pickup in store. Packages get stolen so I can’t do shipping but not shopping helps me save money and time. The exeption to this is that I love thrifting, so I still do that because it brings me joy. Shopping for toothpaste does not bring me joy, so I skip that.
        – I have a running Target list/Amazon list and I just add to it over the course of the month and then order roughly monthly.
        – I keep a reserve of one of everything so as soon as I open that reserve, I add the item to my Target list. I never run out of things this way, but I also never am last minute panic shopping. I have a bin with the reserves for deodorant, shampoo, olive oil, paper towels, sponges, what have you.
        – I WFH on Fridays and Mondays so I always do laundry those days.
        – Even being part time, you are eligible for student discounts. Use them!!!
        – My hair, makeup, jewelry/accessories and skincare routines are pretty low key (but they were before grad school!). I can take a shower, do skincare, brush teeth, do hair, do makeup, make my bed, and get changed and be out the door in 30 minutes.
        – I pretty much spend all day every Sunday being productive. I do HW, study, go food shopping, meal prep, clean, etc.
        – Between my Sunday routine and my morning routine, I’m pretty free to socialize and spend time on hobbies on weeknights + Saturdays. I usually have social/hobby plans 4-5 times a week.
        – I find that I’m really good about managing my day to day, but I struggle when something unexpected comes up and throws me off my routine. So, I try to develop a game plan for dealing with unexpected things (recently for me it was tailoring a dress for a wedding).
        – Build as much into your pre-existing routines as you can. I walk to work and pass my grocery store, pharmacy, Target, Amazon delivery location, dry cleaner, liquor store, several retail stores, and gym on my walk so I pretty much only run these errands while walking to/from work. It’s so much easier to pop in and add 5 minutes to my commute than it is to plan a separate trip.

      3. Oh, two more things.
        – Do not sacrifice sleep for work, school, or social. I am very strict about my 10pm bedtime because I’m pretty useless without 7 hours of sleep. I also plan 1-2 nights a week where I can get 8-9. When I was just working, I could easily power through with limited sleep but that’s not the case now. I also deal with intermittent insomnia, so I never know when I’ll have a night or two of basically no sleep and so I like to have a healthy “reserve”
        – Do your best to stay healthy! I have my second cold of the fall right now, and it’s brutal to have to work and do HW while feeling sick. I’ve always had a weak immune system and always get sick a few times a year, but I try hard with vitamins, a healthy diet, and enough sleep to not get sick sick.

        1. I fully admit to being a perfectionist (hence, my comment about therapy) and basically was determined to do well in school and at my job, but not at the expense of the rest of my life (especially after COVID). I am normally very Type B, but had to become very Type A in order to make it all work!

    5. -If budget permits, doing a meal kit program where the dinners are ready to go (as opposed to a Blue Apron or something where it’s a ton of prep) saves way more time than grocery delivery does.
      -If you do grocery delivery, never make a dinner with just enough portions for that evening’s meal. Ex, two lasagnas take only a little more time than one to prepare, and then freeze appropriate portions so you can just pull out in the morning to defrost.
      -Fitting weekend errands into weeknights. Like, if you need to go to the dry cleaner and Target and CVS, don’t waste Saturday running around to that stuff, do one errand per night while you’re already on the go.

      I find laundry pretty easy to keep up with on my own (and am picky about how my clothes are combined in the wash or air dried), so don’t think outsourcing laundry would be worth it, but YMMV based on your wardrobe.

        1. Another + on this

          I do big cooking days when I find myself with some time. The other night my family were all off on various activities and I was caught up (more or less on work) so I cooked everything in the fridge, pretty much. I roasted chicken thighs and potatoes and, later, asparagus in the same hot oven. When I had a shelf available I roasted a halved eggplant in the same oven to be used for baba ganoush. While this was going, I made a pot roast in the instant pot. While the pot roast was dirty I washed and prepped veggies from my farm box. It was an hour or so in the kitchen and while I was waiting for everything to finish I deep cleaned the kitchen.

          Then I had a nice dinner for one of a chicken thigh, roast potatoes, and asparagus with a glass of wine.

          1. * while the pot roast was cooking, not dirty

            I have no idea how that got in there!

    6. When I have a big push on an outside-of work project or training, I try to pre-plan my PTO days to times where I know I’ll need days off to study for exams or presentations. Maybe get those in the calendar now.
      Also schedule all your regular medical stuff now. Even if you can’t get it done this year, just have stuff like dental cleanings in the calendar so you don’t have to plan it.

        1. Agree. Both my dentist and doctor offer to schedule my next appointment as I’m leaving. I used to say no because I didn’t know my work schedule 6 months from now, but then I started going ahead and scheduling it so that I don’t neglect to do it at all. 9/10 I can make the appointment, 1/10 I reschedule closer in (but I don’t let myself just cancel, I reschedule)

    7. To save $ and time, I ate the same peanut butter and honey sandwich for lunch regularly when not meeting friends or having a monthly splurge day. And leftover pasta for dinner is so easy to reheat if you just want FOOD.

      Simplify and just do less if it isn’t required.

    8. Letting things go that aren’t a priority tends to be a better value than trying to out-spend your stress. You cannot possibly upkeep your current life while being a night-class student, there are just not enough hours (ask me how I know).

      Your house will be messy, you won’t sleep enough, and you’ll likely resort to eating whatever is convenient. This is a season of life where you can’t do it all, it might be worthwhile spending some time accepting that you will not be able to control or pre-plan everything.

      1. Cosign. So much better to just to what is mandatory and let things slide and streamline with simple/cheap lunches to bring with you and doing any cooking so that you have some leftovers (cheaper, better for you, and less time than waiting for delivery).

        Peanut butter and honey sandwiches are great, especially if you spend a few dollars more on good bread.

      2. This. You know the saying “so-and-so runs a tight ship?” I have come to the conclusion that i am frequently running a really, really loose ship… and that’s okay.
        Like scrambled eggs and toast for dinner, clothes uniform, “my house is messy but not dirty so I’m okay with that,” etc. figure out what you don’t WANT or need to prioritize and then… just don’t

    9. No makeup, easy hairstyle, minimal wardrobe that makes it easy to get ready.
      Wash all colors of laundry together on cold. Meal plan.

    10. Have a plan for relaxation/leisure and physical activity. A lack of either of those is going to make you more stressed than a pile of laundry.

      When I was in law school, I was all read out and could not go for my usual evening relaxation of reading. At the time I picked up cross stitching on weekday evenings and baking on weekends. Even though it might not feel like it, you WILL have down time, and it’s important to use it in a way that’s restorative to you. It doesn’t have to be “productive,” maybe it’s taking baths or playing with your dog is better for you. But doomscrolling is not restorative for most people.

      If you WFH and grad school is remote, you need a plan for getting out of the house and also moving every day. Maybe walking to a coffee shop every day, and a yoga class on the weekends. Or whatever your thing is.

    11. I’m finishing up my MBA in December while working FT and agree with so much of the advice posted already.
      I would add: Plan one day/night per week to specifically not do work.
      Have frank conversations now with roommates or spouse/SO about what is “non negotiable” for you- both in cleanliness and attendance at social events.
      If you regularly host holidays, let your family know it will either be scaled back or you may have to not host while in school.
      Automate bill-pay as much as possible so you don’t have to try to remember to pay the mortgage.
      Schedule car service before school starts and for school breaks.
      I love to cook and it’s a de-stressor for me, so we meal plan on the weekend. I meal prep breakfasts for the week, lunches are leftovers from dinner, and I will make 2 meals on nights I don’t have class.

      1. Big +1 to have a day/night per week where you do not have work and don’t do anything for school.

    12. So many good tips in this thread! +1 to everyone who said that you won’t be able to maintain the same level of lifestyle with FT work and grad school. +1000 to those who recommended a plan for rest/relaxation and physical movement. One thing that surprised me, when I went back to grad school FT after working FT for several years, was the intensity of the experience. The first few weeks were like drinking from a fire hose. There was just so much – new people, new ideas, new routines, new everything. It can be very exciting and energizing, but it can also hit pretty hard. The exhaustion is real. I’d also have a little budget (of time and money) set aside for two different categories: 1. Self care and rejuvenation, for moments when it all hits, and you feel maxed out; 2. Social activities with new friends, and with old friends and of course your family.
      Things that really helped me:
      -Delivery services – I could order what I needed and have it sent to my home. A great time saver!
      -A membership to my favorite yoga studio, so I could just go and take a class whenever. Enough workout clothing that I always had something fresh to wear. Also two sets of running clothes so I could run whenever without checking my laundry. For me this was part of the “self care” budget.
      -A full pantry and freezer so I always had snacks and easy meals.
      -For laundry, I just bought more underwear and basics, so I only had to do laundry 2x a month.

    13. Make friends with your classmates- finding people interested in study dates can really streamline studying + getting through homework.

  4. I know there has been discussion here on gas vs. induction cooktops, but I can’t find them. Anyone care to share their experiences with either?

    1. I switched from gas to induction when we moved, and there was a learning curve. I think electric is the way to go when you consider indoor air quality and environmental concerns.

      1. Our power reliability is third-world so I am on team gas until our city buries power lines (will be never).

        1. Yup same. If the electricity goes out, and it does everytime a storm brings down power lines, my stove still works. Being able to boil water is lifesaving and I’d be insane to give that up.

          1. Storm, car crash (power poles are rightnext to major commuting arteries), tree falling over, ice, too much rain (softens ground so trees topple), etc., etc. Gas FTW.

          2. We just use the BBQ on the backdeck but I get that it isn’t an option for people in apartments.

          3. At some point I’m going solar with a backup battery, and I would consider induction then, but not before then

    2. I have a Bosch induction and I love it. Simmers very nicely – I usually let bolognese simmer for 2 hours when I am
      WFH. Boils water in one minute. Ten minute rice literally done in 11 minutes. Super handy for making pasta quickly for the kids lunches in the morning.

      Much more even heat that traditional electrical. Better for indoor air quality than gas and in my area most electricity is hydro so more GHG friendly too.

      Go with a European brand like Bosch or Miele if you get one – they have been making them for ages.

    3. When my current gas stove reaches the end of its life, I will absolutely replace it with induction (I may replace it sooner in fact). I think the air safety considerations are substantial. I understand some states (NY I think is one?) don’t allow gas stoves in new constructions.

      1. I can’t imagine that the Aga crowd is not getting their Agas though. [I love the looks of Agas and fancy stoves, but I’m way too basic to have anything like that ever.]

      2. True where I live – no new construction gas – here in Berkeley CA. I don’t honestly know whether it’s a city, county, or state thing.

        1. +1 for Seattle commercial, and we’re working on gas. We have a gas stove that was new when we got the house 3 years ago, so we won’t be replacing it soon, but at end of life, we’ll probably go electric. That said, we pretty much always have gas cannisters so we can boil water on our camp stove in an emergency, and we don’t freeze or lose power often.

    4. The Atlantic did a long article on the air quality concerns of gas cooking – I was more convinced than I expected to be. Beyond that, we have been told as a society to move towards electric appliances for environmental reasons. While I love the idea of gas, when I get a new stove it will be induction.

      1. I really want an induction stove for air quality reasons. Also, I’ve heard excellent reports and had good experiences with induction stoves. Better than gas, actually—I’ve always had to have a lighter on hand for gas, no matter how end and even after a service visit.

      2. That article and others like it was one of the things that pushed us to induction. DH does most cooking and hated old electric stoves but loves induction. There was some learning curve and he did a lot of research to pick his stove (GE Cafe line – there were a few others but this was the best one that was available at the time during the great appliance shortage of 2020). We do have a gas grill out back so can cook on that in the event of a power outage. One other thing I learned from reading about the air quality impact, is we should all be running our fans whenever cooking, even if there isn’t a visible need for it. And ideally have a vent to the exterior. Second the notes below from others that induction is nothing like the old basic electric stoves, behaves very differently.

    5. I love using induction at friends’ houses! Even though it’s electric, it behaves totally different from the black or spiral electric cooktop a from the past. Induction can turn on super high (like gas), and turn off abruptly without leaving a hot burner. Most induction stoves also have good child safety options and they turn off automatically when a pot bubbles over, when a burner is on but empty, or when the pot is empty/overheating.

    6. In addition to the indoor air quality and climate change concerns, I really want my elderly parents to switch to induction because they have left a gas burner on by accident on occasion (which is obviously very dangerous) and induction totally eliminates that danger. Something to consider.

      1. Yeah – my induction hob has automatic central switch-off and individual timers with switch-off for each burner.

      2. I used to have an electric stove and this was still a problem. You can’t glance at a burner that someone left on and know without looking at the knob if it is on. The burner doesn’t always get red-hot.

        [Seriously considering removing one relative’s stove entirely and going microwave-only.]

        1. It’s not an issue with induction, though. If there’s no pan on the burner, it’s not hot, even if you leave it on.

          1. I get that. But we also have a problem with a couple family members putting something on the stove and coming back only when the water you were steaming the broccoli in had boiled away long ago. Ugh. Cooking can be so dangerous — I would not do it!

          2. Yes, that definitely sounds like a case for microwave only. Honestly, that’s pretty much what I do already. It’s microwave or oven roasting for 90% if my cooking. The stovetop requires too much attention!

        2. Get a heat sensor central switch-off for peace of mind.
          Code in my place in Europe.

    7. I have induction and hate it. Can’t wait to move somewhere that has gas again!

      I think it might be a you-get-what-you-pay-for thing? I live in a rental flat so definitely not a top of the line induction range but standard brand here.

      The one pro is if you have pots/pans that actually work with the range, they do heat up quickly.

      All of our pots and pans are supposed to work with induction, but in reality, the range only recognizes some of them. For the others, we had to get steel plates that are basically the same as using a standard electric range (slow to heat, slow to adjust temp), but often they cause the induction to overheat and auto-shutoff. Auto shutoff can be a good idea in theory to prevent saftey issues, but a nightmare when it overheats mid-way through cooking something and you don’t realize. There seem to be a couple of factors that drive it working vs not, including weight/surface area of the pot. I can’t use small saucepans directly on the range (i.e. without the steel disc), even the ones from the same set as the pasta pot that does “work” without a steel disc. Also, I generally have to watch the heat level to avoid the constant shut-off issues, so not great for high-heat cooking.

      1. Thank you, super helpful! Could you share what brand this is that you don’t like?

        1. sounds like an issue with the pots to me. Cheap or premium induction stove doesn’t influence the laws of physics. You need pots from Iron or steel, with a flat base.

        2. Sorry super late but if you see it, the brand is called Hotpoint.

          It’s not an issue with the pots and pans specifically as we have tried 3 different sets by different brands, all marked induction-compatible, that all failed to work (or the heavier pieces in the sets work, the light ones dont). My Le Creuset pots do work though, but I think that’s a combo of being fully iron and also really really heavy.

          1. I have one pan that sometimes wouldn’t work on my Whirlpool induction hop. It took me some time to realise this one wok pan works perfectly as long as I put it on a zone that’s exactly the same size as the pan or slightly smaller. If there’s air around the pan on a bigger zone, there’s not enough magnetism going on for the hob to understand the pan is there.

    8. Gas stove for life here. I would literally never move somewhere I couldn’t have a gas stove.

    9. In the last couple of years, I’ve had occasion to cook on high end duel fuel (Viking), gas (Blue Star), and a fairly low end Frigidaire induction range (I purchased each of these appliances new). While I LOVED my duel fuel range, I had to leave it behind and I currently have the Blue Star gas and the Frigidaire induction ranges. I’m struggling to re-learn how to bake with gas (electric is so much better for baking) and I surprised myself by really loving my induction range (which was a compromise because I couldn’t get gas installed at my cabin for a reasonable cost) – the induction has immediate heat and the temperature control is just as good or better than gas. So while my gas range was more than 3x the price of the induction range, I actually prefer the induction.

    10. We have a gas stove/range and my husband bought an inexpensive countertop induction burner to test it out, and I actually use the induction burner as much as possible. I really appreciate how much less it heats up the kitchen – the heat transfers a lot more efficiently to the pan than with our gas burners. It also has a timer and really precise temperature control. It particularly excels at cooking rice. If/when we get a new stove I will certainly look for an induction model if I can. I hate regular electric ranges; this is a whole different animal.

    11. I’m moving into a house that does not have gas (no gas lines) and I’m putting in a propane tank just so I can have a gas cooktop. Fwiw the kitchen is well ventilated to the outside so I don’t have the same air quality concerns as some.

  5. Question mid-30’s settled, childfree by choice (or not) folk – do you ever get the feeling that life is going to be a long series of years that are all pretty similar?

    I really love my life, have full days of work, hobbies, friends, a partner I love, etc. etc. and the day-to-day experience is good. However, there is some sort of deep restlessness that makes me think – so now I have this great, static-in-the-big-ways life for the next 30 years? First, I know everything is subject to change – disease, separation, job loss, etc. could all come for me and those I love. But assuming things just keep trucking along, I can’t see how my life at 55 is going to be meaningfully different than my life at 35, and while that’s sort of great because my life is comfortable, it also just seems like an endless series of days.

    I don’t think I’m depressed, just full of ennui. I don’t actually want to change anything, although sometimes I browse property listings to go run a BnB or a hobby farm or something equally impractical that would just be different.

    I can’t be the only one who has gone through this – ideas, suggestions, practices that helped?

    1. This almost sounds like mid life crisis. I’m in a similar boat. Mid 30’s, childfree and live with my partner, but honestly, I feel like life is never boring. We are planning vacations, doing things with friends and family, etc. I’m in consulting so my projects are always changing and I’m hopefully getting promoted on the next two years. I think life is what you make it and also life would be way more boring to me if I had kids. My life would consist of homework, after school activities for them, scheduling their doctor appointments, etc. I just think with kids, there’s a lot of flexibility and routines and stability become way more important. I couldn’t randomly decide to go to an Airbnb for the weekend on a Thursday like I can now.

    2. I feel this way and I do have kids. I am constantly scheming business ideas that would allow me to break out of private practice (law). I think I am resigned to the fact that my family needs the financial stability of my job so I am looking to proactively plan more travel to break up the monotony. Random, but if you listen to podcasts, the Smartless episode with Shawn Levy has a great conversation about enjoying life in the moment rather than chasing goals or the next thing. It really resonated with me.

    3. I look at this with gratitude. Gratitude that I have a wonderful partner who I love spending time with, gratitude that my parents are still here, and gratitude that I have a job that allows me to focus on my personal life.

      With that gratitude, I also think about how I can create stability in my life when the inevitable job loss/disease/etc occurs. Still working on this, but it gives me something to think about and work on. For instance, at work, I’m trying to identify a skillset that is interesting to me and that I can learn for the next 5-10 years of my career.

      1. +1 to the first paragraph especially. I also find it nice to be settled and happy with my life. If you want to make yours even better, get a dog!

    4. Since I turned 40 I try to pick 2-3 new activities/hobbies to try out every year. One year was snowboarding and pottery, 2022 was sliding seat rowing (did not drown! was first time I ever rowed and was pretty decent by the end of the summer) and swimming lessons (currently learning butterfly which is hard AF lol but not worse than whip kick). Only two this year because we got a puppy and I’ve been busy with obedience classes.

      The pandemic threw a wrench into some of this but I’m getting on track. 2023 I’m aiming to learn to use a sewing machine (I currently handsew only), and get my skiing up to black diamond levels (that’s gonna take a few ski lessons which i’ve never done before), and maybe a drawing class or dance class or agility stuff with doggie. Sorta depends on if I keep up with swimming and if doggie like agility.

      Languages are also fun if you’re not an outdoorsy/physical activity person.

      I have 3 kids but I feel like this answer might still be relevant? HTH. My attitude is even that I’m awful at it or I hate it, it will probably result in funny stories and at least I would have tried something new. My mom recently took up quilting and purse making when she retired, never having sewn before.

      1. Just to be clear – I’ve skied for like 20 years at a beginner then intermediate level for the last 5 or so. I’ve just never taken formal lessons (I learned from DH). Didn’t mean to make it sound like I expect to go from zero to black diamond in a few lessons!

      2. +1 I don’t do it as formally as you do, but I’m late 30s with a kid and enjoy trying new hobbies. Some things I’ve done are learning a new language, art and photography classes, ballet and free online academic classes. When my daughter leaves for college I’m going to train for a trek in the Himalayas.

        1. DH puts the kids to bed on Monday nights when I have swim lessons. Rowing was 10 weeks and 3 times a week so he picked up and started supper on those nights and I rolled up to the table sweaty straight from practice. Dog stuff involves oldest kid so DH does something with younger two.

          We live in an older house that is pretty centrally located in our smallish city. Skiing on weekends at smallish hill that’s a 1.5 hr drive away – we drive there and back on same day to save on accommodation.

          We sit down every 3-4 months and plan everyone’s extra circulars. We involve the kids in the discussion. DH and I have always had activities – I think it’s important for kids that everything doesn’t revolve around them and it’s good modeling for our messages of lifelong learning

        1. It’s a lot of planning in advance and organization with DH but we just treat our activities as being as important as the kids stuff. We have designated a 3 hr block of family time in each weekend for spontaneous whole family adventures. We take turns picking what to do. Life is no fun if everything is preplanned.

          I do work a 9-5 job with not a ton of overtime (and I don’t
          Do many team things so I can cancel if a work crisis hits) and we paid through the nose to buy a house off market in a central location – so like the pool is 5 mins away and DH only has to drive 20 mins to get to water for kayaking which is his thing.

    5. I felt similar malaise from when I graduated college (in 2011) until somewhat recently but feel better now than I ever have. Having big dreams outside of work or money has been very meaningful for me. For example, I’m the OP above who’s starting grad school in January and the program I’m in is a creative writing MFA, a totally useless degree but seriously exciting for me personally. Last year I fulfilled a longtime dream of taking a month to do a cross country road trip in a camper van. Some other random ideas I have floating around are running a marathon, doing a thru hike, taking a rock climbing trip.

      Also: SSRI, EMDR therapy, a lot of trial and error.

    6. I’m childfree and 43 and haven’t ever felt this, no. Maybe because steady career growth and change helps? I also made a big move to another state, then covid hit, etc etc – I also work in politics so change is constant.

      Interesting travel, challenging myself professionally, watching my niblings grow up, being part of how the world is always changing, challenging myself personally and professionally to not be stale – all of those things help.

    7. Normal. I’m at the same stage. Our teens and 20s were filled with major life changes – high school, college, law school (for me), career building, falling in love and breaking up with dudes, marrying my dude, having babies (for me). It was a lot!

      My plan is to learn new things, get new hobbies, and travel more.

      1. +1. If OP had chosen to have kids, this would all come after life settled with them, too. It’s not a function of any one lifestyle.

    8. OP here – thanks for thoughts/commiseration. I do have an active life full of weekend trips, house projects, new hobbies, and long-term devoted hobbies that stuck. My job is pretty static, but very good in terms of money and the ability to do all those other things.

      I grew up moving around a lot, and I’ve now been in the same city (in a new country, at that) for a decade, which I feel may also be contributing to my restlessness. Again, I don’t actually want to move and start over making new friends and etc. etc. but at least it would be new?

      1. What if you went somewhere for only a year? That would be an adventure and probably also make you glad to be back home after. Although if I were you I would get involved in something mission driven, most likely volunteering.

      2. When you say this, it actually reminds me of how I feel when I’m sliding into depression/anxiety. I lived and worked all over before coming to Seattle, starting in scientific research, then non-profits, then ending in tech. When I’m feeling good mentally, I can enjoy where I am. When less so, I’m like Let’s move to Holland! Just a thought, as we’ve been talking so much about SAD lamps and seasonal depression lately.

        1. Ha, and also this reminds me of how people who hate their lives constantly talk about winning the lottery and moving to the beach, and every time I find myself scrolling Zillow, I realize it means I’m wishing for change. Sometimes legitimately! But sometimes there’s something in front of me I can change without moving to the mountains and never seeing anyone again, and if I take a few minutes to explore that feeling I can usually figure it out.

    9. I felt like this in my mid-30’s too. I remember telling my husband this and he definitely did not understand it! I just felt like life from there on out would be the same old same old, and then you die, even though I had a full and happy life at that time. I ended up having 2 kids in my very late 30’s/early 40’s and I think this feeling contributed just a little to the decision to have kids (which I was super undecided about; that’s another story).

      But, now being mid-50’s, looking back I would say, kids or not, life changes in so many unexpected ways that it really isn’t just same old same old forever! Life can change so much (good and bad) that I try to just sit with the phase I am in knowing it may or may not last a long time.

    10. I sort of feel the opposite—in my mid-thirties and I am finally really, really happy with my life and am scared of having kids.

    11. Yes, but I also don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think that’s just life and if you enjoy it, you’re doing well. I think about that quote from the Office sometimes–“There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?”

    12. I am 55 and childfree, and my life now is so different from life at 35 in so many unexpected ways. Some of the basics are the same — same partner, same house, but so much is different. If you’d asked me at 35 where I’d be in 20 years, I never could have predicted my life now. The next 20 years of your life are going to be full of excitement, heartbreak, adventure, and everything in between. Think of how much you’ve done since you were 15. The same amount of time is ahead of you, and more.

  6. One of my neighbors very suddenly passed away. I didn’t know her well but she was always very friendly in the elevator/lobby, chatting about whatever election or weather, and I want to acknowledge her passing and send a condolence card to her family. She left behind a husband and kids. Would it be appropriate to also send over some kind of food or is that too much in this situation? If it matters, I’m not sure if the kids are living at home or are away at college now.

    1. I don’t think you can go wrong sending food or a food delivery gift card. Even if the kids would normally be at college, I’m sure they’ll come home for some time and Dad will be glad of options.

    2. It would be very gracious and appreciated to send food. Perhaps a simple quart of soup and nice loaf of bread with a card…that will be a comfort at this time.

    3. Agree with the gift card suggestion. When my dad passed away unexpectedly we got a lot of food right afterwards and it was too much for us to eat. A heartfelt card would also be lovely.

  7. Assume love requires compromise, what would you compromise on when searching for a partner? How do you compromise in your current relationship, and at what point does compromise become losing more of yourself to please the other person?

    2. This is so hard to answer in the abstract. Like there are obvious ones about if you want to live in the city vs country or have kids or not. For DH and I the issue was dogs. I would always have a dog. He had bad experiences with dogs as a kid and really does not like them. Compromise is that we haven’t had a dog until after we had kids, we have a dog now and after kids are grown and dog passes, we won’t get another one. Neither of us love it but we are more important to each other. I’d rather be married to him and have one dog than not be married to him. He’d rather be married to me and have one dog then not be married to me. He’s lukewarm on the dog we have – not unkind at all, he just doesn’t like the extra mess in the house and extra responsibility. It helps that the kids are completely in love with the dog and he sees how happy the dog makes them.

    3. I’m happy enough alone that being in a relationship isn’t worth it to me unless I’m too in love to be thinking this way.

      1. +1

        In my last marriage the dynamic was “I wanted to get along more than I wanted what I wanted, and he wanted what he wanted more than he wanted to get along.” Ugh. Don’t fall into that trap.

    4. I assumed I’d marry someone super intellectual, who loved literature and politics and instead married the IT tech who doesn’t read for fun. A former friend said in a very snobby voice “I couldn’t be with someone less educated than me…” but honestly, that hasn’t been an issue in our relationship. We have lots of fun, he’s a great husband, great dad, and my grad school BFF fills that snooty literature/politics chat gap.

      1. I too assumed this. I ended up marrying someone super smart, but not an Intellectual. And I don’t care. My friends fill the gaps, as you said, and my husband makes me laugh and does the dishes and has great relationships with my family.

      2. I think this is the type of compromise that is fine / smart to make. One person doesn’t have to be everything, and people like grad school friends can fill in the “shared interests” bucket well. One of my friends talks to us about career and work issues more than she does to her husband because we’re in more similar fields and it just makes more sense.

      3. Also married someone super smart (STEM PhD) but not someone who reads for fun. I wouldn’t describe it as a “compromise” though. Different than who I thought I’d end up with yes, but it didn’t feel like compromising.

        1. Nobody would say “less educated than I” in conversation because most know that speaking like that makes one sound like a pompous arsehole. Descriptive grammar 4eva.

        2. “Less educated than me” is grammatically correct? The friend sounds like an a$$ but I am not understanding what the alleged grammar error is.

    5. I think love/partnership means compromise on a logistics level but not on a values level.

      It takes, for me, lots of self reflection on my boundaries and needs and good direct communication to ensure both our needs are being met. But again, I don’t compromise on values.

      2. I think this is a good assessment.

        For me, the biggest compromise is living in NYC. In a perfect world, I would have much preferred to move back to my home state. But in the real world, I met my husband here and for a variety of reasons knew that staying with him meant staying in NYC for the foreseeable future. [Clearly I don’t hate it here, or this could have been a bigger issue.]

      5. Yes for sure. My husband and I fell in love. It wasn’t a compromise, we fully, deeply love each other.

        But we are still different from each other in ways that change logistics. I am and have always been the higher earner. He’s a professional, but definitely a 9-5 punch the clock professional. If he had been very “my way is the right way” then he would have been unhappy about my unreliable hours and frequent travel. But we’re not like that. Instead, he became the primary pick-up, sick day etc parent when our kids were little.

        I might have preferred, on paper, someone who wanted to socialize more than we do. But he just isn’t as social as I am, so I have a big social group of girlfriends and I get most of my friend time in with them. We don’t really have couple friends, and that is fine.

        He might prefer someone who picks up and travels at a moment’s notice, but that’s not me. I am a planner and my work doesn’t usually accommodate spontaneous weeks off. We have traveled, but not as much as he might have envisioned. He would also, theoretically, would have been fine with hostel-style traveling, whereas I like a nice hotel.

        It’s little differences like this that we compromise on, but as the prior poster said, they’re logistical. The fundamentals are emotional, and we are 100% all in, no compromises needed there.

    6. I’ll play. I’m very minimalist and like empty surfaces. I also love a silent house. My husband loves STUFF and has a lot of it and regularly buys more and leaves piles or records, papers, stuff, everywhere. None of it is dirty or really that messy objectively (other people tell me our home is very neat) but it is to me. He also loves to have either the TV or music on at all times. We compromise on these things — its messier than I would like and there’s less stuff that he would like and we “take turns” having music/tv on and having quiet. Sometimes I get really annoyed and miss living alone! But overall being with him is worth not having everything exactly to my liking. This is my second marriage and honestly I don’t think I would compromise much more than this.

    7. I’m in a really happy relationship, and I don’t think of it as compromise so much as just being accepting and flexible. My partner has a tendency to he late – I just roll with it.

      For long term things, I think you again have to just assume that if it’s a good relationship you’ll work together to find solutions for big decisions that make both people happy.

    8. I wholeheartedly think that going into a relationship expecting compromise to be synonymous with losing part of yourself is the wrong approach. It is important to have values that align with your partner, but it may be better to think of the way that you complement each other instead of approaching it as compromise.

    9. If you’re compromising more of yourself to please the other person, it doesn’t sound like a true compromise to me. Compromise should be about give and take, not give, give, give. You can compromise on where to go on vacation, or what colors to paint the wall, but if you are compromising on important things, I would get out. I can tell you what I won’t compromise on: living with a family member, religion, views on kids and pets, loaning money, fully supporting my spouse financially (assuming there are no health issues) and apartment amenities.

    10. I agree with others that it’s more about flexibility and accepting people’s habits than compromise.

      But one area where I’ve actually compromised is that my husband doesn’t really like to travel. So he does more travel than he would like to do, and I do less travel with him than I would like with him. Unfortunately as we get older and acquire more money and time to travel, this is becoming a bigger issue…

      1. Can you not just go on your own trips? Husband didn’t go to my college and knows but is not besties with my college friends. He is quite happy not to go to homecoming but saves his travel energy for the beach or mountains (trips with not so much talking).

        2. I do travel without him, but it’s not the same as traveling with him. I certainly don’t expect him to go on every trip but sometimes I would like to take a trip with my spouse, you know?

          1. I 100% understand this. DH immigrated to live in my hometown so I totally understand his preference for vacations just back to his home country but I love travelling with him to new places. Trips with family/girlfriends are great but what I miss is new travel with him.

          2. Thanks. There was a thread recently where quite a few people said a spouse not wanting to travel at all would be a relationship dealbreaker for them, so i was kind of surprised to see these responses. Travel solo, with a friend, with my mom, with our kids etc is nice, but isn’t the same.

    11. A lot of people don’t want a partner with baggage: a divorce, kids at home so there is an ex somewhere in the picture, etc. As you get older, you realize that if you draw lines before meeting the people, you may be losing out on some great people arbitrarily. Like if you were both 80 and met in the retirement villa, you’d be happy just to be happy, yes? But if you are 30 or 40, you can only be happy if they are a good match AND meet other qualifications. At some point, a preconceived list of need-to-haves is something I’m open to revising if the person is worth it. I wouldn’t compromise on whether the person is single though — if you’re not single, IMO you are not relationship material to me.

    12. I disagree with your assumption. You might compromise on which takeout to get or what movie to watch or whether you want to go on a beach or mountain vacation this summer (in which case, next summer, the partner who didn’t get their #1 choice gets to select).

      But compromising on your *self* or key relationship topics (kids, pets, religion, amount of time spent with family members, attitude toward money, etc) – no.

      1. agree completely. Compromise on everyday stuff is normal. If I lived alone, I would leave the toilet lid open and probably also the bathroom door. But I compromise on that part, no big deal. As someone said above, this needs to be an effort both sides make. Not in a tit-for-tat score-keeping way, but it can’t feel completely unbalanced to work in the long term.
        Don’t compromise on your values. My relationship needs to be a place where I can be myself and not censor myself or pretend. And for the big topics, you can only compromise so much before the conclusion is that a different partner would be a better match.

      2. First, I would actually reframe this to compromise in partnership/marriage. Love maybe not so much. But I am shocked to see so many people here suggesting compromise is not necessary. The coupled here and everywhere constantly criticize singles for being too picky or unyielding. And certainly people constantly compromise on issues like how many children and pets to have, convert to Judaism or another religion to ease family tensions even though they don’t have an organic and true change of faith, agree to live in the city or the suburbs or in a one-story or multi-story home to accommodate their partner, prioritize the “family they made” over their family of origin or accommodate in-laws they can’t stand, and give up or scale back a career in order to support their partner in other ways. Ignore all this ridiculousness from the smug marrieds. They want you to think they just slid into what they have like a silk slip dress when in fact they laid down on the bed and wriggled and fought to get the button on those jeans to close.

    13. I compromised on age. That seems super superficial, which was but also wasn’t. My husband is a bit younger than me. When we met in our 20s a lot of my friends who had met older guys were on a much quicker path to marriage and kids. Their older boyfriends had more established careers and more stable family lives. Ideally, would I have liked to have been married and had kids five years younger? Sure. But I love the guy, it all worked out.

    15. I am currently in a relationship where I compromised a bit too much of myself to spend time with my SO. Eg., going to big social gatherings when I am an introvert and don’t enjoy these gatherings, spending time with his family to the exclusion of mine. Now, I’m putting down boundaries to end these behaviors, and it is NOT going over well. So after this experience, I wouldn’t start a relationship doing anything to compromise on who I am and what I enjoy doing. The person will either fit into my life, or I’ll be alone. I’m fine either way!

      1. Yes! Always begin as you intend to continue! I learned that one the hard way, too!

    16. Depends on the age. I think internet dating has made it a lot more easy to filter out potential matches than, say, picking up a guy at a bar. I’m sure you’ve heard the advice just ti get out and meet people and apply filters later.

      I met my husband in college. We joke that we never would have found each other via online dating app. Our interests were nothing alike when we met. He was from the Deep South and I’m a New Englander. He was an engineering major and I studied languages. I was a ski bum; he fixed cars.

      We bonded over being ditched by friends at a party. He ended up teaching me to shoot pool. We went for a sort of drunk late night walk and looked at the stars. Became friendly at various functions when we ran into each other because it turns out we had mutual friends. I studied abroad for 6 months and when I got back we ended up in a philosophy class together where we knew nobody else so became study buddies and debated/argued all the time. Our senior year I had to take a math elective to graduate so he took statistics with me (which was a joke given his engineering math!). We started dating that year and just grew up together.

      That was, ugh, idk like 20 years ago. Before and during our marriage things surfaced about my husband (and I’m sure me too) that would have been “dealbreakers” if you’d asked me straight up when I was 20. But instead we navigated our differences together with a solid understanding that we both have to live with one another and we operate with the underlying assumption that we want to stay together.

      Various dealbreakers in no particular order, both of us combined:
      – smoking (he gave it up “for me” / with persuasion- this one came up pretty early in the relationship)
      – cleanliness / ability to keep a house clean
      – weight (loss/gain)
      – sexual drive/preferences
      – desire to live long term in New England
      – communication style / love language
      – height
      – relationship with siblings
      – bad teeth

      1. I agree with dating apps being too limiting. DH and I would have never met online.

        1. +1

          I also agree that if either one of us had a list of dealbreakers of the sort that I’ve seen listed here, we probably both would have rejected the other at some point. And yet we’ve managed to work through all these things and are happily married.

          I agree with posters above who use the test/concept of do I care more about [dealbreaker] or being with this person. Or SA’s concept of price of admission.

          I’d also add that there are a lot of things that I never would have considered as being important but somehow lucked into having a spouse who fits the bill. A lot of this is pure chance. You can’t know everything going into a relationship. Also people change, including yourself.

      2. I thought about this more. We have also compromised on:

        – guns in the house (see: married a southerner)
        – religion (this one easily could have been a dealbreaker for me when I was 20. Is a non issue now)
        – number of children and when
        – owning a cat

    17. For me I had to stop looking at marriage as a way to level up/maintain money or status, which is what I realized I was doing in only wanting to date people richer or as/better educated as me (I seriously looked down on people who hadn’t gone to T14 schools). Trust yourself to get the money or status you want, and in a partner look for a good traveling companion throughout life instead.

    18. My husband wasn’t an animal person. I am. So we compromised and now have one dog. He has become completely smitten. But he still is pretty firm on only one. So I often tell him that as soon as he dies, I’m going to get my own little pack. One will be a big greyhound because I’ve always wanted a greyhound and having one in our multistory house isn’t a good fit. But in my widow scenario, I live on a one-level. Most other life choices, we’re pretty in sync. I’m not nearly as organized or tidy as he is. I suspect he makes a great deal of compromise to ignore my messes. If I felt like being together was making either of us sacrifice who we are meant to be in some deep way, I don’t think it would work out. I’m guessing things like this are decisions on kids or where to live.

    19. Similar to Anon @ 11:35, we met in college and likely wouldn’t have matched on an app. Fully disagree that you can’t disagree on key relationship topics. We’ve both made compromises on:

      – house vs apartment
      – city and state
      – guns in the house (multiple layers of protection)
      – outsourcing housework
      – big ticket purchases like cars and vacations
      – number of children
      – church attendance and religion of children

    20. Don’t compromise on kindness, or on a partner who doesn’t provide consistent loyalty and emotional support.

        2. +1. Especially if this dispute is about Kraft in the plastic jar vs. whole parmesan. There is room for both!

        4. In my house we have something known as the pizza rule: Just because DH doesn’t like olives doesn’t mean I can never have olives on my pizza! The pizza rule applies to all sorts of things where compromise might be needed. A codicil of the pizza rule is always eat the best slices first, even if they aren’t next to each other.

      2. Ha! My husband does all the grocery shopping because he thinks I am going to buy the expensive laundry detergent if I do it. Those were his exact words.

        1. He may believe he’s won a battle, but you have won the war. Well done. Well done.

    22. I also compromised on income. I make substantially more than my boyfriend but he isn’t one of those guys who is solely focused on his career, traveling for work, and never making enough time for me like my ex.

  8. I am the sole subject-matter expert in my in-house legal department at my company. Coming up on review time, I know my GC/manager will be asking me what she can do to support my development, etc. and I really don’t have a good answer! I just got a bump in title and my company is sponsoring my participation in a women’s career development organization for the year. I already report directly to the GC. It feels weird to go into the end-of-year process without having anything else to ask for–I’d love some suggestions for how to continue to grow in-house.

    1. Is there a conference you’d like to attend to further your learning in a specific area?

    2. Is there support for attending conferences so you can stay up to date on your legal knowledge? If your company is global, are there ways you can deepen your involvement/knowledge globally? Are there ways you can get involved in cross-SME work? For example, if you are an employment law SME, are there projects involving employee privacy you could handle? Do you have a sufficient interaction with senior leadership, or could you benefit from greater face time with them? Do you have a seat at the table for the business you support, or do you rely on them to come to you with questions?

      Just some suggestions!

    3. I’m a GC and I want my lawyers to be more strategic and tied into the company’s goals, not just SMEs in their area. I’d ask for opportunities to get more of a strategic perspective.

    4. What are your long term plans? Do you want to take a GC role when your current boss retires or moves on? Do you want to stay where you are? Move to a bigger org? Take a GC role at a smaller company focusing on your area of expertise?

    5. I would want to go to conferences that the business unit you support would go to. You might get to know them better and also appreciate things from a different perspective.

  9. I have my first colonoscopy scheduled for next Monday. Any recommendations for the clear liquid diet the day prior? So far I have some miso ginger broth from Trader Joe’s, green jello, tea and apple juice.

    1. Can you make real chicken stock?

      Also: lemon Italian ice. Applesauce. Diet Mountain Dew. I was hangry the day before and by the day of, the fight had gone out of me.

      1. Next colonoscopy, I’m stocking up on more chicken broth (boxed kind is fine with me). By the end of the fasting day, the sugar in the jello just made me feel queasy. Maybe some lemonade (the kind without pulp) for when you get tired of apple juice?

        1. Oh, and this may be kind of silly, but I ate the chicken broth with a spoon, instead of drinking it out of a mug. Made it feel more like a “meal.”

        2. Plus Jello all day sends you on a blood sugar rollercoaster. I could barely think by the end of the day.

      2. I just did this and really liked the better than bouillon chicken broth. Way better than the boxed stuff for me. I survived on a bunch of broth, lemon jello (full sugar), and lemon italian ice. As long as I had something every couple of hours to keep my blood sugar up, it wasn’t too bad.

    3. I just fasted and drank water. I don’t like a lot of the flavored options like jello, and eating chicken broth on an empty stomach seemed like a recipe for throwing up.

    4. Good luck! I just had my first a couple months ago. My tip is to chew gum. That’s the only thing that helped with the extreme hunger. Fasting the day beforehand was worse than the prep and procedure. I was so freaking hungry!!

    5. I just had my first one. The fasting was not as bad as I thought it would be because (for me at least) my doctors said to eat toast and a banana by 10:30, and start taking ducalax at 3:00. i was so busy pooping from 3-9 I didn’t really have time to worry about food or hunger. They are not kidding when they say to stay close to the toilet! Had some tea and jello at 9 pm that I sorely regretted. (I should have just gone to bed then and not given my body more to process.)

      I was thankful I had Preparation H on hand; get some of that or Vaseline if you don’t already.

      1. Oh yeah, wiping – I used toilet paper wet with witch hazel, which is the active ingredient in things like Tucks. I found that worked well for clean up and isn’t bad for plumbing.

      2. I wish my doctor had told me that. I had to fast the whole day beforehand and the morning of. My procedure wasn’t until 2pm, so by the time it was over, I woke up, and made it home, I hadn’t eaten for almost 48 hours. I have never been so hungry in my life. I ate a whole pizza that night.

    6. I know you didn’t ask– but if you can get the pills to take rather than the gross stuff to drink, it’s a LOT better. Worth asking your gastro if you haven’t already.

      Added to what other folks have said here, I liked gatorade and lemon drops. Lots of water.

    7. Lemon sorbet was always ok, and various non-red popsicles as long as they’re not the pulpy whole fruit variety

      To be honest the clear diet prior to taking the solution was the hardest part. Once I was sh1t ting like a firehouse, I didn’t really care about eating and wouldn’t have had time to anyway.

      My number one tip is to get some aquaphor or A&D ointment just for the clean out and apply it liberally to your entire wiping area. Trust me.

  10. A good friend just got the news that she will be on hospital bedrest for the next five weeks until she can safely deliver her baby. I’m planning to go up at least once a week to visit her– any tips on what to bring? Books and streaming recommendations were top of mind– any other ideas?

    1. Does she knit, crochet or do any other sort of crafts? Crosswords/soduku/word search? Can you get on Words with Friends or other play with friends games? Depending on the height of her bed, a C table might be helpful. Maybe puzzles if there’s a good way to set that up?

    2. That’s tough. I think I would want
      Favorite snacks
      Kindle GC
      Something to make me smile. Lean into those inside jokes.
      TBH the thing that would probably help the most might be to amp up the phone calls/ texts. Those five weeks are probably going to feel like a million (sad, lonely, isolating) years. Thanks for being a good friend!

    3. A coworker of mine was on a long bedrest while pregnant and when I asked her what she did with all that time, she said she went through every insurance coverage they had and researched the best deals she could find. I love this idea! I can picture myself being on the phone with a homeowners insurance agent “….I have a few more questions, I have plenty of time….”!

      1. I know you asked what to bring, but this might be a good ‘what to do’ suggestion for her.

    4. My friend just did this. She was out of her mind bored and exasperated by being inside and away from older kid.

      (1) If she can’t get outside, anything that brings the natural world to her. Sunshine lamps come to mind? I loved a paper flower garland for my own hospital room. Real flowers are off limits on cancer words, not sure about maternity. Fresh fallen leaves that smell like fall?

      (2) A long phone charger

      (3) your login to a streaming service she doesn’t have

      (4) Art or cards to decorate the room

      (5) Frequent silly texts to check in

    5. *** It’s not a baby. I know you understandably want to support your friend, but using this type of language feeds to racist, pro-birth theocracy.

      1. Yikes.

        I’m as pro choice as they come but if she’s what sounds like 5 weeks out from a viable delivery, this is very much a baby to her. And, she’s probably very scared about what may happen to her baby.

      2. Jesus Effing Christ, you’ll drive someone to vote red this next election with comments like this.

    6. Thank you for all these! Needlepoint is a great idea– not something she normally does but I think she’d enjoy. I’ve asked about space for puzzles and will bring flowers and art when I go visit.
      The insurance idea is funny– will keep that in my pocket for when the shock/disappointment has waned and she’s more bored than upset!

      1. Organizing your email and photos are other possible bedrest projects. Streaming TV and movies can get boring at some point; if she likes dance, theater, comedy, or concerts those can be a good way to mix things up and are generally available on streaming services or YouTube

    7. Get her a Nixplay or other digital photo frame — they’re a lot of fun but take hours to get set up if you want older photos. We do playlists for everyone’s birthday, anniversaries, etc.

  11. Anecdotally, does it take longer to get a positive test the second time you have Covid? My husband had Covid in August (no one else in the house got it). His test turned faintly positive as soon as he had his first symptoms (low grade fever and chillls). He’s on day 3 of some virus now and testing negative, but he’s convinced it’s Covid. He says it feels exactly the same (although he’s not running a fever this time) and he doesn’t have the classic cold symptoms like sneezing or a runny nose. Our preschooler is a few days into an ear infection, so I feel like it’s probably whatever virus caused that (not Covid, she tested negative a bunch, including PCR at the doctor’s office), but maybe I’m wrong.

    1. I have never had COVID but am on my third sickness in less than a year (December/January, September, and now) that I thought would be COVID. Tested negative on both rapid and PCR as well as flu and strep for 2 of these occasions. I’ve chalked these up to “colds” even though I also don’t have traditional cold symptoms. My dad was just in the same boat last week (and had the same December/January illness as I did, but he did get COVID this past May).

      So, all that to say there’s a lot of non-COVID illnesses going around.

      1. Yeah, in my experience daycare kids bring home a lot of weird viruses that aren’t colds. I’ve had lots of viruses from my kid where my only symptoms were chills/aches/feeling exhausted and run down and I wasn’t sneezing or coughing. So I think it’s probably one of those. On the other hand, my husband has an excellent immune system and normally never gets the crud our kid brings home. And the last time he was convinced he had Covid he was right, so…

    2. Covid symptoms overlap with so many viruses! If you keep testing negative… it’s not Covid

    3. I have had Covid twice and in both instances I was exposed on Tuesday night, felt symptomatic on Friday, tested negative on Saturday, and tested positive on Monday. I think he should keep testing. That said, there are other things circulating so it might not be Covid but whatever he has could be just as debilitating and contagious.

    4. I had covid in august and then HFMD earlier this month and they felt the same for me. I only know the latter was HFMD because my kid and partner got the telltale sores (I thankfully did not).

    5. I’ve only had it once but I didn’t test positive until the third day of symptoms, FWIW.

    6. Do you think your preschooler might have RSV? It’s going around, and at least the strain in Seattle is causing a lot of ear infections (said the ER doc last night). It feels like COVID lite to me, same sticky mucus and sore throat, but less sore and no fatigue.

      1. Possibly! Interesting your ped said that. Preschooler had no symptoms except the ear infection and I have no symptoms, but she and I had a fairly bad case of RSV a couple years ago. So maybe she got it mostly asymptomatically and gave it to DH. One of my coworkers actually has RSV right now despite not having kids, so it must be going around our area too.

    8. My son is at college in a congregate living situation and there is some horrible absolutely definitely not COVID virus going around there like wildfire. He’s been sick for two weeks. I would swear it was COVID based on his symptoms but he’s been to the doctor twice, done rapid and PCR tests and is consistently negative. One of his roommates with a pre-existing lung issue (don’t vape, kids!) had to go to the ER and was also told it definitely wasn’t COVID, but that whatever terrible virus he had, they were seeing a lot of it.

      It’s also not influenza, at least not one detected by the flu tests from the doctor.

      1. RSV? That isn’t usually so serious in college kids but it puts a lot of babies and toddler in the hospital with breathing issues.

      2. I think we’re only now learning how serious subsequent respiratory infections can be in people who have already had COVID. Omicron hit a lot of people, and I don’t think immune systems have bounced back yet.

  12. Thoughts on Midnights? I think it’s a step back in terms of songwriting and production, but I still have “Anti-Hero” and “Lavender Haze” stuck in my head nonstop.

    1. I LOVE Anti-Hero. It’s in my top 5 Taylor Swift songs ever, possibly my all-time runner-up after All Too Well. The other songs don’t stand out as much to me, but I like most of them and listen to the album straight through without skipping. I think I’m alone in liking the original songs more than the 3 am additions. The original album sounds very 1989 to me, and that’s my favorite Taylor album.

      1. I just listened to it for the first time today, and I’m not a Swiftie, but it’s a great song!

    4. I’m here for it. It didn’t rocket to the top of my TS album ranking, but I enjoy it. It’s like 1989 with a maturity and an edge that I love. And I too have been singing “it’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me” nonstop.

    5. As an album I don’t think it stands out in her discography, but I absolutely cannot stop listening to Lavender Haze, Anti-Hero, Midnight Rain, and Paris.

      If anyone wants an overall stronger (imo) pop album that’s gotten a bit lost in the Taylor hype, I really like Carly Rae Jepson’s new one!

    6. I think some of it is overproduced, but Anti-Hero and You’re On Your Own Kid are top-tier TS songs for me. Also, with the caveat that I could be reading my own life into it, Bigger Than the Whole Sky is songwriting that hits so directly its almost painful. I won’t be listening to it often but I appreciate its existence.

      1. I LOVE You’re On Your Own, Kid. Like a grown-up Never Grow Up.

        Also, what are songs for except reading your own life into?

      2. I’m convinced it’s about pregnancy loss. I don’t see how that song could be about anything else.

      3. I agree on the point about the album being overproduced, I want an acoustic version of this album with my whole heart.

  13. Anyone watching Reboot on Hulu? (It’s a great show!) I loved the long green blazer Reed’s girlfriend wore in the season finale that aired this week. Does anyone know where to find something similar? I assume I can’t afford the one that was actually used in the show.

    1. It’s so clever and such a great ensemble! I would never have thought of combining that group of actors together (Johnny Knoxville + Kegan Michael Key + Judy Greer + Paul Reiser + Rachel Bloom) to make magic, but it WORKS.
      No insight on blazer, sorry!

    2. We aren’t all the way through the series, because we can only watch one episode a night, and we have several other series that we are watching, too.

      We recognize all of the stock characters, but they have done a good job of making them multidimensional people.

      I will be on the lookout for the coat!

  14. Calling Blundstone enthusiasts—how long did yours take to break in and become comfortable? I bought a pair of the classic brown 550 boots. Despite wearing them with thick wool socks around this house, I’m experiencing two pressure points:

    1) top of the shaft at the rear pull tab rubs / digs into my lower calf (I have short legs and wider calves)
    2) it’s tight on top of my foot where the shaft joins with the vamp(?)… Basically where the top of ghe tongue would be in sneakers. There’s a line of stitching here and it feels sharp, even through socks.

    Love the look but I’m on the fence about keeping them.
    What say you, Blundstone experts—will these two issues go away as the boots break in? Or are my feet just not destined to join “the Club”?

    2. They were instantly comfortable for me. I was a bonehead and my feet hurt so badly from working long hours on concrete floors for a while, so I wore them for the first time (as soon as they arrived) to work a 16 hour shift that was mostly on my feet and luckily they were comfy from the get go.

      Took a while for them to break in to easily take them on and off (it was a royal struggle at first) but for wearing, they were instantly comfortable,

      I do have the high top version, so not sure if that matters.

      1. +1 They were instantly comfortable for me too. Sounds like they might be a little too small on OP? Mine are pretty roomy, I can easily wear any of my thickest socks.

    3. Not specific to Blundstones, but in my experience as a person with high arches if the top of the foot is tight on any shoe, “breaking in” will never cure it.

    4. I have a blister the size of a quarter on my heel after wearing new ones out the full day…ooops

      As to the top part, you can take them to a cobbler to get stretched.

      1. Yes, part of being kind to your feet is accepting that some shoes just don’t work for you, no matter how much you like the look of them. I have learned this the hard way too many times, and I now have a podiatrist on speed dial. Don’t be me!

    6. Did you order online or get them fitted at a good shoe shop? We’re blundstone enthusiasts – DH has 2 pairs, I have a pair and the kids have pairs and we have not had this issue. We buy from the small local shop that offers free cleanings twice a year. They should be comfortable from first wear.

    7. IME, these are not issues that will go away even after a break-in period. (Which I don’t totally believe in. If the shoe isn’t comfortable out of the box, it’s probably not for me. Have learned that the hard way, including with some expensive shoes.)

    8. I absolutely hated my Blundstones and returned them. I have no idea how they are so popular because they are the most uncomfortable boots I’ve ever worn. Way too tight and stiff, and very hard to get on and off.

      I ended up buying Ugg Harrison chelsea boots that have a similar look and are a thousand times more comfortable.

    9. I have a pair of the 1671s that also dug into my calf when I first got them. They fit perfectly now and don’t dig in at all. I also have a high instep and wider foot, and my pair was somewhat tight when I first got them. The salesperson assured me they would stretch out, and they did. They are one of my most comfortable pair of shoes now. It took about five wears to fully break them in.

  15. Following up on having friends over at 7 to what was supposed to be just drinks and apps at 4. Was told they keep kosher at home and eat vegetarian out of their house. Was also told not to fuss! What should I do?? At this point happy to do apps or dinner, but not sure what this means I can make it if they would find it more stressful to eat at our house. Can I make sangria? Cocktails? Hummus and veggie pita? Cheese plate? A vegetarian pasta dish? I told them apps and drinks at the initial invite so don’t want to stress them out with me trying to make a kosher dinner

      1. Does this mean it needs to be kosher? Or is vegetarian by default kosher? Sorry for my ignorance – I am not Jewish but thought that there are labels to look for to make sure it’s kosher etc.

        1. My guess is that they eat kosher at home and eat vegetarian outside of the home so that they avoid pork, shellfish, and mixing meat and dairy but are okay with eating things that aren’t strictly kosher (made in a kosher kitchen, for example). So, if you stick to vegetarian options you should be okay.

          So, you’re okay with cheese and crackers, veggies and dip, chips and dip, and a variety of other apps that are vegetarian.

          1. Thanks! I am leaning towards doing heavy apps eg cheese platter, baked brie, and/or hummus/veggies/pita and maybe a sangria (is wine ok?), so that I eff things up with the kosher it doesn’t become an awkward dinner.

          2. This. I’m Jewish (not kosher). Eating Kosher at home and regular vegetarian at restaurants and friends houses is common. I think any meal that doesn’t include meat is fine, but if you’re worried you can run it by them.

        2. With the caveat that I am not Jewish but simply friends with people who keep kosher: This is a very complicated question because there are levels of “keeping kosher” – not to mention the distinction of kosher for Passover. At a very basic level, keeping kosher requires not mixing meat and dairy and avoiding certain types of flesh (pork, shellfish, etc.) For many people who keep kosher, sticking with vegetarian makes it easy on friends since vegetarian food avoids those issues.

          Of course, there are some much stricter ways of keeping kosher where people keep separate dishes for meat and dairy. However, people who keep kosher that strictly are not going to have dinner with friends who do not also keep kosher.

          Your friends said vegetarian so I would simply take them at their word and serve vegetarian food. My only suggest is to make sure your cheese (if you serve it) is actually vegetarian because much of it is not.

          2. Because part of the lining of the cow’s stomach is used in making cheese. It’s actually super gross. I still eat cheese though.

          3. Google rennet. Traditionally cheese is made with the lining of a cow’s stomach for the enzymes necessary to convert milk to cheese. There are vegetarian alternatives but most commercially available cheeses are not actually vegetarian.

    3. It depends how strict they are — for example some cheese has rennet, which may not work for them. Best idea is to ask!

      1. She did. And they very clearly told her they keep kosher at home and are just vegetarian outside the home. She doesn’t need to continue to spiral on this. Just serve vegetarian food.

        1. Except a lot of cheese is not vegetarian. Rennet is enzymes from the animals stomach.

        2. This. I’m Jewish and know a lot of people like this. They will eat normal food. Just don’t serve meat.

    4. I have a friend who eats this way. He consistently orders whatever fish dish the restaurant is serving. I have never seen him order any sort of pasta or cheesy dish so I think that is off limits, as is butter. Just no dairy in general.

      Hummus is fine. Look for the kosher symbol on the package.

      1. Looking at the other comments, I would just say try not to serve any dairy at all. People are saying cheese but I would say that’s a no-no because of the mixing dairy and meat thing – you might serve the cheese on a dish that you served meat on, or cut it with a knife you’ve used to cut meat, and while they may be comfortable with that, they may not, so I’d just avoid it.

        1. They’re comfortable with that, based on what they told her. If they weren’t they wouldn’t be able to eat at the home of anyone who doesn’t keep properly kosher with two sets of dishes, etc.

  16. I have a smaller than standard tub in my bathroom. Bathroom is the 50s colorful tile and original tub so it’s not intentionally smaller to be a soaking tub or anything. Tub is probably 1-2 feet shorter than a normal tub and a bit narrower but similar depth. Any tips on how to comfortably take a bath? I’m only 5 ft 4. I’m sick this week and very achy so a bath would feel great.

  17. Does anyone have advice for overcoming intense feelings of insecurity over physical appearance? I’m in my 30’s and have tied my self-worth to the male gaze since I was 10 years old- when I was an early bloomer and had a ton of male attention at a young age with a developing brain. I’m married and a new mom, and genuinely a happy person thanks to Wellbutrin and therapy, but in the back of my mind I’m always planning ways to improve my appearance. I act like I’m someone who’s income is tied to their looks, I’m definitely not though. Im very open about this with my husband and he’s encouraging me to use my Botox money on my mental health instead.

    1. More backstory that I think is relevant: I was bullied at a very young age, like pre-school through 4th grade. I felt ugly and had low self esteem. I used to take a permanent marker and black out my face in every picture of myself. Then I hit puberty early and was suddenly the “hot girl” over night (I’m cringing typing this). Now when I don’t get male attention (which I don’t, except for from my husband), I feel like an ugly duckling even though I know objectively that’s not true, and that even if it was true I still deserve to love myself the same.

      1. I posted below, but this was me exactly! I went from having no friends and feeling ugly constantly, to being constantly told I was beautiful in college. The allure of prettiness is turbo-charged if you grew up thinking of it as some mythical thing, and having first-hand experience of knowing it matters in how people treat you at that age.

        Start thinking about what matters to you outside of your appearance and what attributes you’d want a daughter to see value in. Are you smart? Loving? Etc… Then think of all the women you love. Would you tie their worth to whether they are beautiful or desirable? Would you rank their beauty, or just see them all as beautiful? Try to see if there are some CBT exercises you can do with a therapist to unpack the thoughts you have around this.

      3. Oof, that sounds really hard and makes sense. I think therapy, along with lots of exploring what kinds/types of things are you doing because YOU genuinely enjoy them vs. what you’re doing to be ‘hot’. Also, in fairness to you, there are LOTS of social benefits that come from being the pretty young thing so I understand not wanting to lose those. But I also would hate you to think of this as a Flowers for Algernon situation where you either have to be hot forever and ever, or lock yourself away in frumpy mom land.
        Identify the things that you do because you enjoy the, or just because YOU like yourself better that way – if you’re a natural brunette but you prefer how you look blonde, you can afford the upkeeep and maintenance, hey knock yourself out. You don’t need to never wear makeup/heels/pretty clothing, but it’s worthwhile to try to tease out what is neutral/positive for you vs. what you’re doing out of fear of losing this social benefit.

      4. Well I agree that therapy may be helpful, but I don’t think your husband should be telling you to use your “botox money” for it. If you enjoy botox, get Botox. I don’t get it any more but I always really loved the calm feeling botox gave me, which only another botox user would understand.

        Men do not understand the pressure women are under to look a certain way at all times. I would not be getting your advice on this from your husband.

    2. I used to be the same, and my biggest advice would just be to stop as cold-turkey as you can. I did due to COVID and then just never went back. It’s been a a huge quality of life improvement. Bot in terms of time and money saved, but also something more intangible – it just clears your energy a little bit. It automatically forces you off the treadmill of “I need to be beautiful / being beautiful matters” and allows you to stop really thinking or caring about it at all.

      Before COVID, I’d use spray tan, hair extensions, make up daily, dresses and heels. It invited a lot of weird gross energy into my life that was an extension from all the weird energy I’d experienced as an adolescent and kid. Lots of male attention, lots of “You’re so beautiful” comments, and then, inevitably, needing and craving those comments and that attention in order to have my sense of self confirmed. I rarely get complimented on my physical appearance now and it’s like being allowed to just be a person instead of being a “pretty girl.” It almost eases the addiction – if no one is commenting on your appearance, you stop thinking about it and tying your worth to it. You also realize that it doesn’t affect how important you are as a person or anything like that – it’s okay to look kind of plain and just kind of fit in, I don’t miss any of it – the stares, the comments, the weird hyper-friendly conversation from men. It also clarifies things. You don’t have to think about it as being something that you’re attracting or something that is affecting the way that men or women treat you. And it makes it really, really easy to let go of the idea that you need it since you have daily proof that you’re fine without it.

      I think you could do tons of therapy to try to change your mindset, but if the behavior is still “how can I constantly improve my appearance,” it’s going to be a lot harder to stick. I have found that refraining from behaviors is a much easier first step, and it can allow the mindsets to fall into place after.

    3. Not sure if this would make a difference for you, but for me having fewer mirrors in the house helps. Like there is a mirror over the sink in each bathroom and a full length mirror in the primary bedroom walk in closet but that’s it. No mirrors over my dresser or the kids dressers, or in the hallways. Harder to think about your appearance when you don’t see yourself as often.

    4. I vote therapy, as aging can be really rough if you have this attachment to your appearance as it was when you were younger.

    5. No advice but I can relate. I’m definitely not a model but I’m pretty tall and very thin with some good features. I focus on looks and always try to make myself look as attractive as possible and spend too much time and money on my hair and makeup. I do feel a sense of worth tied to my looks as well.

    6. While it’s not for the same set of reasons, I also get super insecure about my appearance. Therapy helped me, but I also find myself reciting/remembering all of the reasons that people look so great in pictures/on social media/etc. There are filters, there is Photoshop, there are literally teams of beauty professionals, every piece of clothing is tailored, this is not what anyone looks like on their own. The other thing I do is that I really try not to look at pictures of myself until a few weeks/months after they are taken. For whatever reason, I don’t pick at my flaws quite so much if the picture isn’t super-fresh.

      1. I have no shame about getting my clothes tailored to fit perfectly. Having clothes that fit and flatter makes me feel better about my actual body, so I think it’s a positive thing.

    7. I don’t think I’m as focused on appearance as you seem to be, but it’s still something I’ve struggled with, especially post-partum. What honestly helps me the most is when I remind myself (or am reminded by my kids) that to them, I am the most wonderful person in the world and they truly don’t care or notice if I put on a few pounds, have a stray hair on my neck, or am dressed fashionably. In fact I try really hard not to primp too much in front of them or talk about my appearance at all.

      I also remind myself that we’re all getting older and (in some ways) less attractive over time, and ultimately it’s our personality and heart that we’ll be left with, not our looks. So it makes more sense to cultivate your personality and relationships vs. looks at this point in your life.

    8. Try to change your perspective. In many ways, it’s freeing to be invisible to the male gaze. You don’t have men leering at you or following you around the grocery store or back to your car. Professionally, it’s nice to be taken at least somewhat seriously and not condescended to because they alternatively view you like you could be their daughter or mistress (gross). It’s easier to make and keep good friends because everyone secretly hates the prettiest girl in the room – you wonder if you’re a few shots or a breakup away from a male friend you trust trying something; a woman friend you thought was great suspects her husband of cheating and zeroes in on you; etc.

      All of these things happened to me when I was “pretty” and they happen almost never when I’m not. My weight fluctuates wildly. Every time I gain weight, I feel terrible about myself and being invisible feels so isolating. Every time I lose the weight, I’m reminded how isolating and fearful my life can be when I draw more attention. I’m on the heavier end of the spectrum now and I feel much more peaceful about it than I have in the past. It’s really nice to be able to just exist in the world.

      1. +1 million to your first paragraph. Life is better when I am not being treated like a piece of meat, an airhead, or competition.

    9. I was also an ugly child and ‘hot’ teen *barf* so I know how psychologically tricky it is to go from being tormented to being fawned over in mere months. idk if this will be helpful or not but I shifted my focus over the pandemic to being a good person instead of being a pretty person and it’s really been transformative. It’s a lot easier to hold my head high (even with split ends) if I’m working towards something good VS simply seeking attention.

  18. Work through this with your therapist if you haven’t discussed it with them yet. Spend your botox money on daily SPF 50 (face, neck, chest, and hands). You’re preventing skin cancer so it’s not completely vain. A prescription retinol is also a reasonable choice. But perhaps you should avoid treatments like botox that have an instant result if you think you might get “addicted” to them. It’s easy to chase that initial high from your first treatment, overdo it, and morph into an over-inflated real housewife.

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