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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
For me, a crisp button-front shirt can be hard to pull off (buttons gap, wrinkles appear out of nowhere), but a looser, drapey fit is just so much easier, and J.Crew makes some of the best. I have a few of these in neutral colors and get a lot of wear out of them, so this autumnal floral print is really screaming my name.
I would tuck this into a black midi skirt for a sophisticated business casual look.
The top is on sale for $116.50 at J.Crew and comes in sizes 00–12. It also comes in ivory and two different striped versions (with sale prices $69.50–$124.50) in sizes 00–24.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
My M Gemi stellato shoes have been a closet workhorse since before the pandemic. Highly, highly recommend them. I looked at Farragamo flats to have another pair of flats to rotate in and I was just floored at how expensive they are now. Yikes! What else is out there that are in this vein of “executive flats”?
Anonymous
I like the MMLF ones
Anonymous
Lafayette 148
Formerly Lilly
The Fold and the non-bedazzled options at Stuart Weitzman.
NYCer
I like the Margaux NY flats.
Anonymous
They don’t make the Stellato anymore, tragically!
Anonymous
Not in my budget, but love this shirt!
Pep
Not my budget, and not my best colors, but I love this shirt too!
Mar
I was asked yesterday to fly to Japan for work (pharmaceutical manufacturing on the technical side) on Friday. Can you all hit me up with your travel tips and tricks for Japan/Asian travel? I’ve got a lot of experience going to Europe, but none at all in the other direction! Also, what are your favorite things to wear for long flights?
Anon
Japan has very, very strict laws prohibiting certain medications. Sudafed and Adhd meds are the two biggies, so make sure you don’t pack those and check on any others.
Mar
YIKES! Thank you for this – Sudafed is how I get through flights!
Anonymous
Cash – make sure you have a card for ATMs
Two-handed delivery of card or money is the polite thing
Wifi and mobile data is expensive
Google maps is great for finding exits at the big stations in Tokyo
Backpacks are worn on the stomach in busy stations – and do walk/stand correctly
Japan is super safe
If you want food, shopping or sightseeing tips – send more specific wants
Anan
+1 for cash. I was definitely not expecting that- even for things like buying a subway pass.
Anon
I actually fly in pajamas for long haul flights like Japan (black long sleeve and long pants so they look relatively normal under a coat) and change in the airport on arrival. Gosh, I love Japan, but where are you going exactly? Tokyo is what I’m most familiar with.
Anon
Similar — I wear leggings and a cozy sweater (I get cold on flights) and change into jeans or pants either just before landing or in the airport. I also put smartwool socks in my carry on and take off my shoes and put on the socks for the duration of the flight, otherwise my toes freeze. Bring snacks and buy water at the airport — I hate having to count on in-flight food.
There’s vending machines selling cans of hot coffee and it is awesome. But don’t walk while drinking it — drink it standing near the vending machine and throw it out in the garbage can that’s next to the vending machine.
Anon
Compression socks are a game changer for me on long flights and Sockwell makes them in wool.
Anon
Good to know! Thanks!
Anokha
All the layers! I wear thermal leggings, a t shirt, a cardigan, and a scarf.
Anonymous
Compression socks, comfy joggers, zip up hoodie.
Anne-on
Are you going direct and flying business class? If so my advice is to go to the lounge, eat there, use the bathrooms to wash your face, brush your teeth and change into cozy pj like clothes. Tell the stewards that you’ll be sleeping on the flight and to please only wake you for breakfast. Use the lounge on the other end to change into work clothing (if it is at all possible to shower in the lounge do that, it is a miracle how much that wakes you up). Within reason, I would chose my airline based on the lounge amentities in your departing/arriving airport, I don’t care aboout the food as much but lots of shower rooms/space to sit is huge. Enjoy the trip, I’ve heard Japan is amazing!
Anon
Women in Japan tend to wear more skirts/dresses vs. pants, so you may want to take that into consideration. Also, I am 5’9″ and packed heels and I was the tallest person in all of my meetings. Next time I will bring flats!
Anne-on
+1 to this – I find Asian countries much more formal. I was melting in Singapore in a suit jacket but wearing a jacket to important meetings is absolutely the norm.
Anon
Yes, I went years ago with my ex husband who was (presumably is?) 5’8″ and he was average height there! I was on the taller end for women at 5’4″.
Anon
Be prepared to wear a mask everywhere. It’s no big deal, but I had sort of forgotten about how that feels.
anon
I don’t know if this has changed but don’t be surprised if your Japanese counterparts take you out for dinner/drinking parties. How adventurous are you with food? My coworker had a really hard time watching a live shrimp go from moving to limp as they cook it in front of her.
Japan drive on the left, and it’s the same for sidewalk, escalator, etc. and people are very aware of their surroundings so would try their best to stay out of others’ way.
The train system is lovely. Buy a card and load it, then tap as you go. A card from Tokyo will also work in other cities such as Kyoto and Osaka (even though they are different rail companies).
Japanese people don’t speak great English. You may have better luck with younger folks but it’s still hit and miss. They are however very polite and will try to help as best they can.
If you have a chance, try a stay at a traditional hotspring inn where they serve a delectable 10-12 course meal. Hakone is the closest destination to Tokyo but there are many others you can also look into. Most people stay one night or two at most. These places aren’t cheap and are priced per person per night.
Have fun! I love Japan and wish my employer would send me there for work.
Cat
Compression socks for sure. Otherwise, I haven’t done it myself, but my dad travels to Asia frequently for work and tries his best to get on the time zone by timing in-flight naps to match up as much as possible with Japan time.
Anon
+1 to compression socks. When I was commuting across the US weekly my doctor made me promise him that I’d wear compression socks or stockings and get up to stretch my legs/pee at least twice on a 5-6 hour flight (longer when you count the non-flying time you’re on the plane.)
So get up once every 2-3 hours at a minimum, and wear some good quality compression socks that you leave on for the duration of the flight.
I always brought a little packet of woolite to wash my socks or stockings in the hotel room sink so I could wear them again on the flight home.
Mar
Thank you so much to everyone who commented! I’m furiously taking notes. I’m flying American – I think it is a codeshare with Japan Air Lines on the way there and American on the way back. I don’t have much say in the hotels, and it will be very regimented time-wise. I’m bringing a pant suit, a matching dress, a coordinating dress, and a second blazer, so that sounds like I should be able to blend in… somewhat. I am 5’8″ and I’ve have met my Japanese counterparts, so I know I’ll tower over them all in heels or flats :) Unfortunately I don’t have time to hem my pants for flats, so I’ll have to deal with heels at least some of the time.
Cat
if you’re not already in American’s AAdvantage program, sign up, you will get zillions of miles for a business class tr-ns Pacific flight.
Anon
Why is everyone assuming she’s in business class? I traveled a ton for work in the past and never got to fly business class. Is that really the norm at most employers!?
Anon
Seriously!
Cat
Depends on distance. If going overseas, usually allowed – way better chance of showing up rested and ready for the meeting than sleeping in coach!
Anon
Yes. It’s pretty normal.
Anonymous
Right! I always have to travel economy, aka steerage.
Shenandoah
Seriously! I have flown to Japan for work several times and generally fly Premium Select or Comfort Plus, depending on what is available, for international flights. But I would be laughed at if I submitted an expense report for a business class ticket. That is not the norm in my industry.
Anonymous
I would not travel that length. For business. Unless I’m business.
Anonymous
No business class tickets in my industry.
Anon
AAdvantage miles are totally based on what you spend. Business does not necessarily earn more. You get a multiplier based on your status. Someone with no status gets 1 mile/$ spent. So even if the ticket is $10k you would only earn 10k miles. With top status there is a 11 x multiplier, but there is a cap of 75k you can earn per ticket.
Senior Attorney
Don’t expect everyone to speak English like they do in most of Europe. Google Translate is your friend when dealing with cab drivers and shop assistants — just type what you want to say and show them the screen. That said, I second the notion that everyone is lovely and helpful and polite and you will feel very safe.
Senior Attorney
Oops in mod. Trying again:
Don’t expect everyone to speak English like they do in most of Europe. Google X-late (get it?) is your friend when dealing with cab drivers and shop assistants — just type what you want to say and show them the screen. That said, I second the notion that everyone is lovely and helpful and polite and you will feel very safe.
Senior Attorney
Oh, and tipping is not only not customary, it’s actually considered rude so don’t do it.
Anon
This was the hardest part for me to get used to on my trip there! Tipping is so ingrained in the US
Anon
If you have tattoos, keep them covered in Japan, especially in the workplace or visiting any significant monuments/shrines etc
Sad Extrovert Attorney
I need advice regarding how to move forward with job satisfaction when my work-at-office needs don’t align with my coworkers. It seems that the new hybrid/WFH options have created some distinct groups of people: those who love WFH and those who hate it. I’m officially in the latter camp. I really dislike working from home. I’ve given it a solid three-year try with many different configurations of a home office set-up and I’m miserable. Our office has a “come in if you wish” policy and I go in virtually every day … and sit there by myself because my coworkers are all happy to WFH. I’m still miserable. I miss collaboration. I thrive on in-office interaction. My mental health is really suffering. I was so excited to go into the office yesterday, and then I arrived, the lights hadn’t even been turned on yet. The secretarial staff didn’t show up / “were sick”. The lawyers didn’t come in. The two that did had their office doors closed. I just sat at my desk as all the excitement deflated out of me and I actually started crying.
I’ve gotten to the point where I am considering switching jobs for this reason, although I love everything else about my job and my firm. However, I’m struggling with the concern that there may be no greener grass elsewhere. I’m an attorney in DC and I have the sense that virtually no one is working in office in our field.
Curious how others who ENJOY in-office work are thinking about how to move forward.
Panda Bear
I am not quite as much of an in-office lover as you, but I do somewhat miss the in-person companionship and collaboration I used to have. I’ve dealt with it by making appointments with colleagues and friends to work/meet/have lunch together. Like your office, I can go in if I want to, but chances are no one else will be there. So, for my friends (who have other jobs, but live nearby and are also wfh) or the few office colleagues who don’t mind meeting in person once in a while, I make a specific appointment to see them at the office, a restaurant, or even my house we’re we’ll work from my dining room table together on days that aren’t super heavy with meetings. It’s not the same – it probably never will be in my industry – but it helps.
Anon
My clients are always happy to meet up for coffee / lunch / dinner, so I make plans with them. But I totally hear you. I try to call now or have chatty e-mail exchanges to get more human contact in a no-contact world.
Anon
This. Plus I found I need to just get out of the house. Sometimes that means working from a coffee shop or taking a lunchtime exercise class or going to the gym.
Anon
I don’t think there’s a grass is greener anywhere these days. Most companies are at least hybrid and every day in the office is anachronistic. I get it, I like the office too and the liveliness that used to come from it all. But wishing for the past won’t bring it back so I’d focus on what’s good about a new set up. See if there’s some like minded friends you can regularly meet up with. Wear athleisure on quiet days so you can go for a long walk at lunch, etc.
Anon
Would your practice area be something compatible with an in-house role at a place such as a health care center or university, where there is more of an impetus to be present because you are with a client who is functioning live and in person?
No Face
Actually, in-house healthcare attorneys I know were switched to permanent WFH. The hospital system was happy to move their cost center employees out of their expensive real estate.
Anon
Yes, most healthcare attorneys are not dealing with situations in person. It’s more like people call you with an emergency and you talk them through it. Most hospital attorneys I know are still required to be in the same city as their employer and appear at meetings or on-site visits as needed, but they do not have an office space and are not permanently in the office.
Anon
Interesting. That is definitely not true in my area.
Anonymous
In-house healthcare attorney here, most of us are WFH but people who feel strongly about it are still welcome to go sit alone in our mostly empty office. I’m considering joining a co-working space but it irritates me so much to have to spend my own money on something that used to be a business expense.
Anonymous
I’m an in-house healthcare attorney (major hospital system) and have to be in the office three days a week for zero reason and I hate it. Anecdotally, I know other systems range from fully in-office to fully remote. Law firms are hit or miss as well. There doesn’t seem to be an industry standard.
Anon
At our university, the lawyers don’t even live locally, much less come to campus regularly.
Anon
At mine, we are required to be in the office at least e days per week. I think the point is to explore possibilities.
Anon
*3 days per week
Anonymous
I’m too busy to care whether it’s home or office. Maybe lean into work more? Regardless, I would fill non-office hours with more social. If you’re feeling this lonely, you need to focus on building connections elsewhere. I also think your instincts are right to find another job that needs front-line interaction. At the least, maybe you can mentally stop comparing old and new so directly this way.
anon
I disagree with this take. We spend 40+ hours of our lives at work and for some people, shoehorning in 5 hours a week of social interaction is just not going to cut it. For some of us, life was better before and life has the potential to be good again. Don’t tell OP to be happy with half a loaf just because it’s inconvenient for you that other people are unhappy.
OP, I would suggest finding a job that lists 10 – 25% or work travel or the like. Work trips are nonstop social interactions with all the excitement of new places and experiences layered on top. Resuming work travel for me was like someone turned the lights on again after two years in the dark.
Anonymous
How does OP’s decision to stay at this company have anything to do with convenience to me–what in the world are you talking about? You really aren’t following what I’m saying. If it’s how do you get through the days–it’s stay as busy as you can and pack your evenings with social. If that’s not enough to make it worth it, then of course you leave and find somewhere else. Just like someone who loves remote work should ditch a place requiring 3 days in (my advice to that person would be to try to pack the in-office days with whatever keeps you less focused on your unhappiness, make those quiet evenings and save the WfH days for more focused tasks). No one should settle for “half a loaf” in their life. But if you are sitting in the office tearing up because no one is there, it’s time to reframe expectations for the day and/or find somewhere else that will give you what you’re looking for. Sitting and wanting today to look like yesterday isn’t going to make OP happier.
Anonymous
I have a very active social life – easily have plans 6 nights a week. And yet, I hate wfh because it’s too lonely. Like yeah getting a drink with a friend on a Tuesday is great but that 2 hours of social interaction is not enough for the entire day.
Anon
This isn’t a matter of OP being less busy. She has a preference for a certain work style.
Cora
I am completely pro working from the office as well. I hate working from home solely (although I like having the remote option for lazy days). For me literally a few people from my team (2 -3) started going in and now its picked up a bit. But I would absolutely consider changing jobs over it. I’ve rejected jobs that were purely WFH. I don’t think any industry will be fully in person, which I find to be a bummer as well, but there are companies with more of an in-person focus. One of my friends works in a real estate adjacent industry and they’re definitely in person.
No Face
It’s perfectly fine to change jobs if you hate WFH! Your current job is not going to switch to mostly in person. Just start applying to jobs. Ask about how many people are in the office during the screening interview. If people are mostly WFH, withdraw your candidacy. If your whole practice area is WFH, explore switching practice areas!
For a data point, I am at a small/medium law firm. Most people work in the office most of the time. I like it for the socialization. But I have the freedom to WFH when it makes more sense too.
Anonymous
Switch jobs! I’m in higher Ed law, we have to be in person 3 days a week, and lots of campuses are mandatory 5 days because it’s an in person business.
Anonymous
I struggle with the social isolation of WFH too and I am an introvert who otherwise likes WFH. Your colleagues might be excited to meet up with you for lunch, drinks, etc.
Anon
Firms in small cities are largely in-person. You may also find that another job that is remote/hybrid may offer more collaboration than what you currently have. I also really thrive on in-person interactions. Much of my job is just me on the phone with people at different healthcare facilities or writing long memos, etc. It can very much be done remotely, but when I am working remotely I really don’t get any real conversations with people. DH, however, works in a job that is remote but highly collaborative. Much of his day is spent on calls, and he has the same type of conversations in meetings that I would only be able to have in the office.
Sunshine
I’m in Texas. I had lunch with a friend yesterday who runs HR for an office for a large Texas firm. There are probably 200 lawyers in that office. She said most lawyers and staff are in the office M-Th and it’s a ghost town on Fridays. I note this because apparently there are some firms or some offices where people are going in.
I love WFH and am a super introvert. However, I have regular coffee dates with several of my coworkers whose company I enjoy and who I usued to socialize with in the office in pre-pandemic times. Coffees are not a replacement for the collaboration you miss. However, they may help fill a hole. And I bet your coworkers who are happily working at home would like to see you. I have found that nearly all of my friends are extroverts who pursued friendship with me, and I’m so grateful they did. Try reaching out to your at-home friends.
I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with this and for so long. The pandemic must have been a huge challenge for you. But I’m really glad you recognize what you need and you’re doing something about it. Between now and when you find an office that is a better fit for your needs, I hope you can find people to have coffee/lunch/drinks/dinner with almost daily—whether those are coworkers, clients, or people who enjoy your hobbies.
Anon
i think there is also a huge regional component. i’m in TX as well (Houston) and it seems to be much more common to go in-person here than on the east coast (which i dont really get if the work can be done equally successfully from home, let people have the flexibility!). I also think that while in Houston there are some people who live in the burbs and commute into the city, many people also live in the city, so their commutes aren’t as long as people commuting into NYC from Long Island or DC from MD etc. and don’t require public transportation. So the burden of going in is different.
Anonymous
I’m grateful my office has mandatory in-office days, so when people come in we’re actually all there together. We have to be here 4 days/week. I would probably not take a job where most people work from home full time at this point. And I’m an introvert I think – I just like being in the office.
Anonymous
I’m in DC, also hybrid (which I like- my previous company was all WFH, and like you I need that interaction). Based on downtown traffic, there are definitely companies that are back in DC, but you might have to look around to find them. My office is sometimes sparsely populated too, but I try to set up lunches and coffees with friends who work nearby to make my office days more fun.
Anon
My ideal situation is a hybrid model with one common in office day and then the ability to choose another 2 days to come in. When my job was fully come in if you want but not required I regularly came in Monday-Thursday and often sat alone. Now my company is mandatory in office Tues, Weds, Thurs which is fine but I miss having the ability to choose my days (I love being in person on Monday).
If I were you, I’d be miserable and would be job searching. I’m not in DC and not a lawyer but I’d say 90% of my friends are in office at least once a week. Full time wfh for jobs that aren’t designed to be remote is definitely not common in my circles
Anon
I have your ideal, 1 shared day in the office plus 1-2 other days of the individual’s choice, and it is pretty great.
Anonymous
There are a lot of job options in DC for lawyers that are mostly or 100% in-office– anything that requires a security clearance. Consider it if you have any interest!
NYCer
If it is that important to you, I would seriously consider looking for a new job. Almost all of my lawyer friends work at firms or companies that have some in office requirement (or at least where it is “strongly encouraged” like my firm).
Lizard
There are places that are busier. Some in house law departments have people coming in. My floor has about 10 attorneys in the office today, which to me feels like a lot. What you’re looking for is probably out there.
I am not an in-office enjoyer nor hater. I like having the option on occasion, but also having full flexibility to WFH at my discretion. Which is what I have, so I am very content.
Anonymous
I’m an introvert and HATE WFH. Fortunately I’m in education and can work in the office and encounter people. We allow people a hybrid schedule and I appreciate WFH when I have to have things like repairs scheduled at my house. I would absolutely change jobs if it was WFH or no one was in the office. You have to protect your mental health. I agree with others who have suggested lunches or coffee dates. Good luck – I hope you find a way forward!
Anon
All NYC employees are required to be in office all the time. I hate the lack of flexibility and I hate commuting, but I have to say I do like seeing coworkers face to face and I do think it is easier to train and mentor juniors in person. If you are interested in government work, I recommend looking at government roles near you to see if they have similar rules.
Anon
I mean this in a nicer way than it’s going to sound: you need a social outlet outside of work. It’s honestly not fair to expect your coworkers to work in the office so you can exercise your extroversion and have people to talk to. Take up a group exercise activity, join the Junior League or another service organization, start working frk. a coffeeshop a few days a week, or otherwise do something where you can make some friends. Do multiple things, if not talking to people is that difficult for you Work needs to be about work. Not about creating a substitute social life for people.
Anonymous
Ok I posted above but I’m very social – I have 3 different groups of friends in my city, an in person hobby, local family who i see regularly, in person volunteering and I have a lot of friends who live elsewhere that I call/visit often. I have in-person social plans or a get together in person with people for a hobby like 6 nights a week.
That being said, that is not enough for me. I can’t sit alone in a small apartment for 22 hours a day 2 hours a week and then go see someone for dinner for 2 hours a day and that’s it. That’s not sufficient amounts of human interaction for many people.
I’m an introvert but an active introvert but I need to have some level of Interction
Anonymous
This is so mean spirited. She’s posted that she has an active social life. It’s not fair for you to decide that she should settle for being miserable while also mocking her for a perceived lack of social life. Just because not everyone is happy to stay home all day doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them or their social lives.
Anon
I hate coworkers like you. It’s totally fine to talk to people about things outside of work. You sound like one of those AAM commenters who thinks asking “how was your weekend?” should be a crime.
Anon
This goes beyond how was your weekend. Expecting your coworkers to commute to the office so that you’re entertained is beyond. And I say this as an extrovert. I know that my social needs are on me to meet.
Anonymous
It’s not entertainment it’s having human interaction. Human beings are social and spending 90% of a week at home alone is not good for many of us and our mental health!
Anonymous
She’s not expecting anyone to commute for her entertainment. She’s asking if she should switch jobs. Plenty of people prefer collaborating in person. It’s a perfectly valid preference. I’m not sure why it’s so threatening to you that you need to vilify it.
Trish
Anon at 1:09 pm. Another example of the mean girls on this site. I guess you are terrified that because someone misses the office work environment, it will somehow impact you.
Hypatia
I don’t think this comment is realistic. Generally we spend the majority of our time at work. We also spend long stretches of time – perhaps the longest stretch of time in any given day (9am-6pm is 9 hours, longer than many people sleep). The poster is craving human interaction, which shouldn’t be shamed, we are by nature communal animals. She is spending the vast majority of time alone, because her work is alone. You can’t make up for the majority of your time being alone by peppering in social interactions in the sidelines.
Anon
exactly. stop relying on your employer for your social life and trying to force everyone back to 1950.
Trish
Stop suggesting that humans who crave interactions with others are not normal. M-kay?
Anon
I think “come in if you wish” is increasingly going to be the office paradigm. Most commercial leases run 10 years. Firms who have several years left on their lease (or did in 2020) are pressuring people to return to the office because they’re spending all that money on rent. But once the lease is up for renewal, I would bet a lot of, if not most, companies are going to greatly reduce their office footprint since so many people are happy to work from home, and the employer doesn’t have to pay for their space.
Employers are seeing that the work still got done when we were all WFH, they can save a bundle on office rent, and it’s not like they’re not going to take notice.
So my suggestion is, since you can’t force your coworkers to come into the office just because you’re lonely, you find other ways to socialize in person, not expecting to get that box checked in the office. Better to learn this skill now than continually be disappointed. Because if you move employers looking for a new work in person culture, who knows what will happen when their lease comes up for renewal.
Anon
Would it be possible to find some other lawyers at your firm who feel the same way you do, and form a little group? I’m of the opposite camp (I hope to never work from an office again), but I am sympathetic because I understand that a lot of people are missing the social interaction that comes with office life, even though I am not one of those people. In my office, it seems a small cohort of people who enjoy going in has formed. We were strongly encouraged to go in on Tuesdays to all be together, and on one of those Tuesdays that I went in, it was clear that a few others had been going in consistently and having lunch together etc. It was great because it seemed everyone was getting what they wanted – the in-office people were getting the social interaction during the day, while the WFH people didn’t feel pressured to go in more because the in-office people seemed happy with their group. If you happen to be in and some other lawyers are also in, maybe see if you can grab them at a moment when their door is open to see if they’d like to grab a coffee or something that could lead to a quick chat about how they feel about going in, and if they also like it, maybe you could build from that into something more routine :)
Anon
I’m leaving my current job for the same reason. I hate being isolated – we’re a small office and no one talks to me (if anyone else is even in!)
Anonymous
Sadly given the price of groceries, fresh fruit is no longer in my budget. I usually have a half cup of fresh berries every morning on their own (not on yogurt or oatmeal) as part of my breakfast. I’m fine with frozen berries in something but don’t care for them plain. Any suggestions or alternatives?
Anonymous
It’s not berry season! Apples are where it is at. Or grapes for another week or two. I just don’t believe apples aren’t in your budget they’re super cheap.
PolyD
Pears seem to be having a moment, too. Or maybe make the frozen berries into a compote, as someone mentioned the other day? That might make them more palatable.
Anne-on
+1 – that was me, I buy frozen berries, cook them down with a bit of lemon juice/sugar and then stir them into my yogurt or oatmeal. Pro tip, you can freeze the compote in ice cube trays and then defrost them in the fridge overnight (I did fruit compotes for my son as an in between step from purees to solids and they freeze well). My favorite combinations (esp. if you are ok adding veg) are sweet potatoes and apples, mixed berries and spinach, pears/apples carrots and pumpkin puree, and peaches with a tiny bit of ginger and lemon). I heat them slightly, and then top with yogurt or oatmeal or hot cereal. If you prefer smoothies you can toss these cubes into your blender instead of ice cubes for faster prep.
Anon
Apples have not been that cheap for me! I’m in PA and they’re more than $1 an apple which seems high.
Cat
I’m in Philly – you need to go places where they price by the pound, not by the piece!
Anon
I’m not in Philly anymore, but I remember Sprouts usually had great sales on fruit when I did love there!
Ribena
Even for a bag in the supermarket?! I pay £2.50 for a bag of six Pink Ladies which is the more expensive end of the apple range.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Yes. Even with inflation, groceries are WAY cheaper in the UK than they are in the US. When I moved to London I was shocked at how low my grocery bill was–probably 40% less!
Ribena
Wow, I had no idea. (That sounds really sarcastic but I promise it isn’t!)
anon
Yeah, UK prices are shockingly low to anyone in the US. I sometimes watch bloggers who film their weekly grocery runs in the UK just to marvel at how cheap everything is!
anon
2lb of organic apples at Safeway in Berkeley, CA are $3.00 right now.
Anonymous
I’m in PA and just logged on to Acme to check prices. $5.99 for a 2lb bag of honeycrisp and $6.49 for a 3lb of Fuji, $5.49 for a 3lb of Granny Smith. All non organic.
Anon
Hive five to my fellow Berkeleyan
If you don’t mind supporting Curious’s employer, Fresh delivery often has produce much cheaper. Not all produce. But a lot of it.
Curious
Omg I am dying at the Curious shout-out here. Is this better than the r!ver site?
Anon, thank you for the amusement.
Anon
I think it depends on the type of apple you buy and where you shop. A 3 lb bag of gala apples at my local Wegmans (outside of Philly) is $3. I was like whoa I don’t think I spent that much, so I went and checked.
anon
where in PA? go to the orchard, by the “seconds” by the pound
Anon
I do hate that as a 30 year old making 85k I’m back to living like I was 23 and making 40k. Only buying fresh produce that’s on sale, not turning my heat on yet even though it’s getting chilly.
I feel like I had a brief shining few months where I could afford to get whatever I wanted at the grocery store, buy mid range new clothes (from places like LOFT – nothing crazy), really enjoy living In a city in my 20s (could afford to go out to dinner with friends, go to concerts, etc) And then we locked down for 18 months of the pandemic and now we have this inflation where I’m back to not buying clothes or the groceries I want.
Obviously this is a very first world problem but ugh!
Anon
Inflation is at 8%, not 50%. I’d sit down and just do a realistic assessment of your spend. Maybe that means one less a lot top and fresh fruit for a month.
Anon
I mean obviously a lot of other things in my life have changed over the last 6 years, it’s life changes too and not just groceries. My rent is more (holy heck has it skyrocketed), I’m contributing to retirement now, I live in a different city.
But akso grocery prices are up more than 8% and some items are up 50%. For example, I just spent $4.89 for a 16 oz store brand carton of non-organic half and half. This used to be less than $3
No Face
Grocery prices went up much higher than the average inflation rate for everything.
Anon
It has varied a lot. Cat food has doubled, for example. Out rent hasn’t actually gone up, but it would be close to double if we had to move, and that’s a huge expense.
Anon
Anon at 9:51 – how dare you tell this person that they’re spending frivolously because YOUR experience is different than hers. Get lost.
Anonymous
Groceries are pretty famously outpacing inflation
Anonymous
It is a lot higher than 8% in some places. It is not uniform across geography.
Anon
Groceries are outpacing inflation, but they don’t cost $20,000 a year for one person. Rent is a far bigger factor – many people are looking at $1,000 per month increases. The struggling Anon ia struggling because of groceries + rent increases + saving for retirement + more expensive city, not any one of those things.
Anonymous
You’re talking about 8% a year, she’s talking about income 7 years ago. That inflation adds up (I know it hasn’t been 8% that whole time, but the point is you get to that delta in real income with a lot lower than 50% inflation).
Vicky Austin
Oh god, I so hear you. We were super frugal for the first couple years of our marriage; then COVID hit and we were naturally frugalified for obvious reasons; then we moved in late 2021 to a largeish (by our standards) Texas city where there was plenty to do, see, eat, etc,. and then BAM, by February of this year inflation had flattened us out. Sigh.
Ribena
I hear you. There’s a campaign here in the U.K. talking about how workers have lost 20 years of quality of living increases and I definitely feel that. My particular job didn’t exist 20 years ago, but a middle manager in a bank then could afford a much fancier lifestyle than I can now, to my understanding. And at the same time there’s this awareness that if I’m scared about my finances, it must be REALLY bad for people on lower incomes or with kids to feed.
anon
I feel this so hard. It’s getting to the point where I feel like I can take a fun vacation next year or eat out, but not both without busting my budget. I mean, obviously we can and do prioritize but why I am working so hard to feel so limited?!
Anon
What you describe is utterly normal for many of us, inflation or no.
Anon
You should only be buying seasonal fruit and not whatever fruit you want, for environmental reasons. The bonus is that it’s cheaper too because it doesn’t need to be shipped from one hemisphere to another.
anonshmanon
this is bound to draw some irate reactions, but in principle, I think it’s true that the ability to get any variety of anything I want at any time with no wait at affordable prices, was always an illusion. The real costs were made invisible to the retail consumer (whether that’s environmental harm or workers being exploited), all to keep us shopping. Affordable berries year round definitely fall in that category.
Anon
You’re dead on, anonshmanon
Anon
I agree so much with this point. But at the same time, I grew up in Russia, where even apples and citrus in winter were a luxury, so I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the bounty of produce in the supermarket in the winter months. I try to eat seasonally and locally as much as possible but I sometimes just can’t resist a $6 box of raspberries in February — it feels like such a luxury!
NYCer
+1. Berries are so expensive at this time of year. Also agree that apples are a good option right now. And bananas are almost always super cheap.
Anonymous
I beg to differ – there are many varieties of Fall bearing Raspberries that are so freakin good. They just are commercialized to the extent of Spring varieties.
Zennia
Can you buy whatever fresh fruit is on sale (usually in season) each week? I agrees – berries are so pricey right now! But depending on the week I’ve gotten very low prices on pineapple and apples recently.
Anonymous
I am actually allergic to both pineapple and apples! Though I also noticed in the store yesterday that apples were more than $1 an apple, which feels high?
I hope orange prices come down though – I remember them being very expensive last year.
Auburn
Unfortunately it’s likely to go in the opposite direction – I believe hurricane Ian destroyed a significant amount of the orange crop in Florida :/
Anon
Florida oranges primarily go toward orange juice, so that’ll likely go up. Eating oranges are mostly from California.
pugsnbourbon
Oh that stinks. I was about to say that winter citrus is about to come in season, but maybe not :(
Anon
Agree you should be fine barring an unexpected freeze. California oranges are where it’s at for munching on.
Anon
I’m about to be sitting on a bumper crop of lemons, so my winter vitamin C will be lemonade. If you ever find yourself living in a warm place, meyer lemons are the zucchini of citrus.
Anon
Haha that is so true about Meyer Lemons. I also have a ridiculously productive tree.
Learn to embrace the sidecar, is my suggestion. Homemade limoncello is also great.
Anonymous
Can you try in-season fruit? Fresh berries are exorbitant at my grocery store right now, but apples, pears and oranges are all significantly cheaper. Bananas are also usually pretty inexpensive year-round.
Vicky Austin
Ooh, paging Anne-on who posted her fruit compote technique on yesterday’s morning thread!
Anne-on
Posted up above! Compotes/purees freeze super well and they’re a great way to ‘trick’ yourself into eating more fruits and veggies. You can also do the same with veggies and pop them into your soups along with the broth for more nutrition/body in the soup.
Anon
This seems extreme. Even if $1 seems pricey for an apple, it’s a dollar. That’s less than a cup of coffee. Surely you can figure out how to budget adjust to keep fresh fruit and veggies in your diet. I mean bananas, oranges, apples, pears are all pretty cheap.
Anonymous
I mean I went from spending approximately $50 a week at the grocery store to $80 to now I’m averaging $100 a week. I’m not at a fancy grocery store and I try to comparison shop the stores in walking distance. But, if apples are just over $1/apple and I get 7 a week that’s like $10/week on apples. Where as I could get a carton of berries for like $3.50 before.
Anonymous
100 seems reasonable
Anon
For 1 person in a MCOL city, $100/week is definitely high.
Anon
Huh, $100/week at the grocery store really doesn’t seem like a lot to me for one person if that represents most of your meals for the week. I spent about that much as a law student more than a decade ago when I was trying to be frugal. Obviously if you’re getting takeout or going to restaurants multiple times per week it’s a different story. For reference, our family of three now spends $300+/week despite a fair amount of takeout/restaurant meals and the third person (child) having weekday breakfasts, lunches and snacks provided at school.
Anon 2.0
Agreed. $100 in these sky high inflation times is reasonable. My budget was $130/wk for 2 people for a while. Within the last year, that doesn’t come close to covering it. We are definitely closer to $200/week now. (And that includes giving up purchasing only organic chicken like I used to do.)
Anonymous
I am single in a MCOL city, and regularly spend $150/week on groceries for just me. That pretty much covers all of my meals (might go out once/week). When I used to eat garbage, I could spend closer to $70/week. But I was kid then and wasn’t worried about my health.
Anonymous
I now spend $100/week which is high. I spent about $60/week for years and years. Haven’t changed what I buy and it’s mostly healthy: half and half, individual yogurt cups or oatmeal, and fruit for breakfast. I always pack a salad for lunch so kale, brown rice, sweet potato, goat cheese, tomatoes ahd dressing. My snack is usually babybel cheese and wheat thins. My dinner is either chicken or fish (bought frozen), a veggie and a starch and ice cream for dessert. I buy coffee, pasta and sauce, and bread and peanut butter for toast every few weeks.
Literally no change in my diet and my spending has nearly doubled.
Anon
My family of three in a MCOL city spends less than $150 per week on groceries and we typically only go to a restaurant or have takeout once a week.
We are mainly vegetarian, so produce might be pricey these days but it’s such a large portion of our diet that it’s doable. If OP is truly struggling to afford produce, I would suggest looking at the rest of their grocery spend to see if there are other compromises that can be made to free up enough cash for in-season (cheaper than stuff that’s not in-season) veggies and fruit.
Anon
Your privilege is showing. Clearly you’ve never actually had to live on a budget in your entire life.
Anon
Seriously!
Anonymous
Yeah I lived on $50/week on groceries in DC in my early 20s (mid 2010s) because I made a low salary. I moved from DC to a MOCL city in the late 2010s and on a less tight budget in a cheaper area still stayed between $40-$60/week on groceries easily. Now it’s $100 and that’s a huge bump, seeing as my salary hasn’t changed (65k)
Ses
I try to eat fruit seasonally except when I splurge on a big weekend fruit salad. Berries are summer, now it’s time for pears and apples. And if you get a good deal on those, they can sit (washed, unbruised) in your produce drawer for weeks without spoiling.
Bananas are always cheap, and some melons are good value.
Consider getting a small quantity of fresh berries and mixing them with another cheaper fruit cut to berry size?
No Face
If you want cheap fruit, go to a farmer’s market right before it closes! The farmers don’t want to haul anything back. My best deal was a giant bucket of apples for $1. I made so much apple butter and apple sauce!
Anonymous
Yea, I was going to say farmer’s market for cheap apples, especially if you live in a state with a decent agricultural sector. Plus some of the varieties of apples at the farmer’s market taste so much better than what you get in the grocery store. Most berries aren’t in season right now, so those will be expensive. I admittedly live in an agriculturally heavy state (NC), but I checked our state farmer’s market seasonal availability chart and for October in the fruit department, we’ve got apples, pears, persimmons, and raspberries.
Anonymous
(and, depending on where you live and if you’re really lucky, you might find pawpaws at a farmers market right now)
Anon
I’d try a compote if you wanted them to still be “plain”. Otherwise, I love frozen berries and yogurt. I put frozen berries in a container the night before in the fridge and put yogurt on top. By the morning, the berries have usually thawed pretty well. Berries are ridiculous right now. I just paid $8.50 for a family pack of strawberries that will last my daughter 3 days. I’d also try other stores like Aldi for fresh fruit that is cheaper than a regular grocery store.
Ribena
Berries are expensive for most of the year here (U.K.). My standard fruit purchase is a bag of apples and a bunch of bananas per week – the bananas are cheaper.
anon a mouse
Do you have an Aldi or Lidl near you? We have had good luck buying whatever looks good there, usually way cheaper than the other grocery store costs. (or a WalMart, even.) I can buy a whole bag of apples for only slightly more than 1 pound costs at our regular store. If not, then you just have to be flexible and buy whatever is on sale, or hit up a farmer’s market. You also could consider adjusting your routine to have frozen berries in something like a smoothie?
Anon
How is the quality of produce at those discount stores? The quality at higher end supermarkets has always impressed me and I’ve avoided places like Aldi for that reason.
Anonymous
OP here – I love Aldi but there is not one near me. But when I’m in the suburbs with my parents I usually go.
I think the quality is pretty decent, and is excellent for the cost.
I have noticed though – Aldi no longer feels cheap to me. It’s cheaper than other stores for sure, but it’s not cheap like it used to be!
Anne-on
The quality isn’t as high as high end supermarkets but it is fine if you plan to use the delicate produce in the next 1-2 days, the hardier stuff like pears/apples/onions/potatoes/cabbage/squash is fine but that is stuff I tend to buy at a Trader Joes/regular market anyway as it is bred to last longer.
PolyD
The Aldi by me actually has pretty good quality produce. Their meats and cheeses are very good, too.
I bought a bag of pears from them recently and they are quite good. And also in the small side, which I like, because I don’t need to be eating gigantic pears. I a,so got some good avocados from them.
PolyD
Oh, I have to add – in my experience, Aldi produce is better than Trader Joe. This may vary depending on where you live, but I stopped buying produce at Trader Joe because it wasn’t very good and spoiled quickly.
IL
I like Aldi and would encourage everyone to check it out, but I have gotten mislabeled cheese there before. And I’m not talking about the more esoteric ones either but got aged cheddar that was in fact not cheddar at all.
Quail
This is my experience too. Aldi’s produce is good. TJ’s is hit or miss and often has a lot of packaging.
pugsnbourbon
I never had quality issues at Aldi. You definitely don’t get the same selection but you could find oranges, apples (two varieties, not ten), mangoes, berries, etc.
anon a mouse
It varies, and I find that I need to be flexible on what I buy – I can’t go needing blueberries for a recipe, because maybe the blueberries look poorly (or are out of stock). But if I just generally need some sort of fruit for snacking, I can always find something for not a lot of money.
anon a mouse
Oh, also, Aldi has the cheapest organic milk and eggs around. We’ve had limited success with meats there, but it’s worth it for the dairy since our family goes through many cartons of milk a week.
Anonymous
My dad actually prefers Aldi steaks over other ones. And, I’ve had several at his house that are indeed excellent
Anon
If you want berries, buy frozen and put them in smoothies. I’d stick with apples, pears and bananas for fruit and lots of fall veggies like squash.
Lizard
Bananas are in pretty much any budget. You can get a bunch of five for probably $1.50 at most? Granted they are not as amazing as berries but it seems like a reasonable substitute. And for 1/2C volume, 1/2 banana would probably work, so you’re talking $.15 per meal.
I think you said below you’re allergic to apples – does that also apply to applesauce? A big jar of unsweetened applesauce may work out to a reasonable $ per serving for your purposes.
Anonymous
I can eat applesauce! Or any cooked apple but am just allergic to raw apples and all pineapple. I actually have an applesauce pouch every day when I take my meds (have to be taken with food, I take them right when I wake up so before breakfast)
PolyD
FYI, I had this sensitivity, too. I say had, because nowadays, I can eat raw apples. It’s not a good idea for me to have one every day (upsets my stomach a little) but I can eat them. I think what might have done it is that, over the years I was most sensitive, when my boyfriend would eat an apple I would have a slice or two. So maybe I did a DIY version of exposure therapy?
Still can’t eat raw cherries, though, which is a bummer.
Anon
With this additional info, I would think about where you can reduce on packaged goods — I find that to be the biggest drain on my grocery budget. A big jug of apple sauce is probably a lot cheaper than pouches — you can spoon some out into a little bowl and have it with the meds in about 30 seconds more time than a pouch. I have not looked at prices for apple sauce or pouches recently though so I could be wrong!
Curious
I have (sooo many belly issues in this house lately. We are experts at the BRAT diet). At least on Amazon Fresh, you are right. And yes I am a total shill. Some glorious day I will go to Kroger again.
Anon
i’m with you on the frozen berries, but i actually think the frozen pineapple tidbits from Trader Joes and/or their frozen mango are quite good.
Anonymous
OP here! Will have to try the mango! Am sadly allergic to pineapple but it is so tasty…
anon
Berries are out of season and really expensive at the best of times except during high summer. And apples are indeed $1 each purchased individually. However, they also last and you can buy a bag for much, much less than purchasing individual apples (I just checked and large Granny Smith apples are $1 each at my store but a 3 pound bag is $4.99 and it is much more than 5 applies – although they are smaller).
Between the hurricane and California’s drought, this was always going to be an expensive year for fruit. But I also have to point out that this is what happens when you raise farm worker wages. I was (and am) in favor of that – but the inevitable result of raising wages in low margin businesses is higher prices, which then cuts into the buying power for people who just got a pay raise.
Anonymous
OP here: I should add that the cost of berries isn’t the real issue. They’re always one of the pricier items in my cart, especially out of season. My real issue is how much everything else has gone up is causing me to need to cut out the extras and fun grocery purchases and berries are therefore a low hanging fruit (pun not intended!).
I make decent money in a MCOL city but my rent increased $300/mo this year (luckily way less than many of my friends) and my groceries have literally doubled in the past 1.5ish years despite buying the same things. Like I usually buy a half gallon of milk for my coffee and oatmeal and the price of that has quite literally doubled. Everything is crazy expensive and as a single woman who lives alone and tries to eat healthily, I’ve had to really cut back! (I have also cut back on shopping, pedicures, travel, the gym and concerts)
I am unfortunately allergic to raw apples but looks like I’m going all in on the bananas this winter (which luckily I do love). I actually bought apples last week to make a crisp (I can eat cooked apples) and a bag of Granny Smiths was over $5 so yes, apples are more affordable than berries but they’re not affordable.
PolyD
When I absolutely could not eat apples, in the winter I turned to canned fruits. If you get them in light syrup, they’re not bad, still have some nutrients and scratch that fruit itch.
Anon
I love canned peaches!
Anonymous
OP here , canned peaches are so good! I used to buy them like 5 years ago but stopped because they were pricey but I’ll revisit in the winter!
Anonymous
I think blackberries are the nicest berry to eat plain after having been frozen, if you have any frozen available at an okay price point. They keep their shape better than blueberries or strawberries, in my opinion.
You could also experiment with giving overnight defrosted berries a few seconds in the microwave and eat them warm – mushy feels more “right” for warm things, somehow. I think a mixed berry smoothie mix (i.e. a forest blend) would work well this way, defrosted, slightly warm, and little bit different textures from different berries.
Full length pants
Can someone point me to some reasonably priced full-length pants that don’t have cutesy detailing? I’m looking for a couple of pairs of pants, hopefully less than $50 each, that I can pair with some blazers for some upcoming in-person events -business casual, but I need to look put together. I’ve been working from home a LONG time and I’ve lost about 100 lbs since I was in person with any regularity. It seems like the only thing I can find are either ankle length (which are too short for my longer legs) or have weird detailing. Size 4, 5’7 but usually have to order tall sizes.
Vicky Austin
J. Crew Factory Ruby!
Anon
Express has reintroduced the Editor pant, and it comes in longer inseams. Also, it is low rise, which is sometimes better for people with long legs.
Another anon
Yes! Why is this? I have long legs and hate the high rise with a fiery passion, even though it seems like it should work.
Anonymous
I just got some Old Navy straight pixie pants. I am 5’8 and ordered a long and the longs end up being full length rather than ankle length. They are perfect and I plan to buy several more pairs. They are so inexpensive, too! They are on sale for like $25 right now.
Anon
They’re truly terrible quality, though.
Lizard
I love Macy’s Alfani pull-on pants, I think they look super polished and they’re about $30-40 IIRC.
pugsnbourbon
Uniqlo and Old Navy.
Anon
J.Crew Kate.
Lots to Learn
Liverpool Kelsey Knit Trousers are my unicorn pant! Comfy, straight leg, professional looking, lots of colors.
Laura
Try the Logan trouser from Banana Republic.
Laura
Oops missed the under $50 requirement! You may still be able to get them on sale.
Anon
Is there any downside to moving to having open primaries? I think it would get rid of extremes on both sides. With most people roughly in the middle, politically, even if your person lost, most people could accept the winner. Also, most people favor some abortion access (vs all or none) and at TH is point half a loaf seems much better than none.
Anonymous
My state has open municipal primaries, which we call the preliminary race. Candidates don’t run as a party representative.
Anonymous
the problem is most people don’t vote in primaries, especially the independent/center people. i’m a D but voted in the republican one this year because i really did not want the candidates who ended up winning. (stupid Vance.)
Anon
I love ranked choice voting. My dream would be for us all to move to that.
No Face
Same. I don’t belong to a party and the primary system only sends me extreme candidates to choose from in the general.
Anonymous
I mean this is just simply false. The democratic primary system sent you Hillary Clinton. A moderate. And then it sent you Joe Biden. A moderate.
Anon
There are a lot of elections beyond the Presidential election. If you weren’t aware if that, please don’t vote.
Anon
There are exceptions to every rule, but generally No Face is right that primaries favor extremists.
Anon
Is there a good primer on how that works? I have an org where we are going to switch from appointed leader succession (by a board) to elected leaders voted in by members. Due to some personalities, we want to do something that *should* get a consensus pick and IIRC, there is a sense that ranked-choice voting does that.
Anon
https://fairvote.org/our-reforms/ranked-choice-voting/
Anon
California does this. Top two move on to the general election, regardless of party.
Some analysis of how it’s worked: https://calmatters.org/politics/2022/06/california-primary-top-two/
Need to make local friends
How do you make new friends as an adult?
I feel like I should know this by now, but DH and I just moved out of state and realized that our network of friends consisted entirely of coworkers and friends from college. Now that we are in a new locale and DH works from home, we really want to branch out and establish roots, but are at a bit of a loss. We’re both introverts and have small children.
Tips?
Quail
Are your children in daycare or school? We made good friends in that situation by reaching out to the parents of kids in our kids’ classes. It takes effort, and not everyone will click, but that was key for us. Birthday parties, play date, playground meet ups – doesn’t have to be fancy but seeing someone 2-3 times really helps move from acquaintance to friend. Same thing with neighbors, with or without kids. We sometimes invite neighbors without small children over for a drink after bedtime. We do a fair amount of entertaining after bedtime at our house, and we invite friendly coworkers and friends.
It can feel really hard but it will happen and you will grow your village – I wish you luck!
Anon
How does this work when your kids aren’t tiny though? My only child is still not quite 5 but we’re already at the drop-off playdate and birthday party stage, at least with school friends. Which to be honest is a relief to me – I found having to make small talk for two hours with a person I might not click with really daunting, and I love that when my kid has a friend over to play I (mostly) have time to myself to read or work on my hobby blog. So while I’m friendly with my kid’s friends’ parents, have their contact info and would be comfortable texting them in a real emergency, I don’t consider any of them friends and have no idea how I would develop a friendship with them when I only see them in passing to drop kids off and pick them up.
Anon
i really wish i could’ve asked my mom this question before she passed away. my parents moved to a new city when I was 8 and my sister was 5 and my dad had a few friends from college, but my mom knew like one person and not well. somehow she developed an extremely strong network of friends and my dad is still friends with these people 25+ years later. i do recall that the first year we moved she became involved with the PTA and met some people that way. she did make more friends through my sister who was just starting kindergarten because parents were more involved and I don’t think most bday parties were drop off yet at that age. i think it involved a lot of trial and error, inviting people over, etc. we are jewish, so we used to often have another family over for shabbat dinner. i’m exhausted by Friday, so again, idk how my mom found the time or energy to cook a multi course meal on a Friday night (and she did work!). I also think that before everyone had cell phones people were stuck with those who lived near them. Like I remember when calling long distance was a big deal vs. now it is easier to stay in touch with friends from other stages of life.
Anon
Interesting, thanks for your reply! I did join the daycare PTA for one year pre-pandemic but I didn’t connect with anyone there, I think it was a combination of my kid being a lot younger than a lot of other people’s kids, and also just the fact that I’m kind of awkward in large groups and don’t really speak up much. I think I do a lot better in one-on-one interactions and small groups. Most of our daycare friends aren’t in our public school district so I admit it’s kind of hard to push myself to invest in trying to get to know people I’m probably never going to see again in a year. I’m hoping there will be more opportunities in kindergarten and we’ll have the built-in common ground of living near each other and the kids being in school together for the next 12+ years.
Quail
Yeah, it certainly gets harder. I liked (relatively speaking) the parents- stay birthdays where the whole class was invited because it was like parent-friend speed dating. Make small talk with a few people, see who clicks, try to move on from those who aren’t good fits and chat longer with those who are. I would try to drop something into conversation to see if they are into the same things – books, board games, movies.
But it does get harder as the kids get older and dropping off is more common. I still try to prioritize time I have with classmates’ parents to “speed date” a bit. And sometimes I’ve had to suffer through long convos with someone I know I’m not clicking with. I’ve also tried to diversify away from kids’ friends’ parents to neighbors, members of my church, and former co-workers. That has the advantage of bringing a bit of life stage and age diversity. But I was very lucky to form good friendships with 2 moms of kids in my son’s preschool class about a year after we moved here (through multiple short chats at group events that turned into family hangs that turned into 1 on 1 hangs ) so I am not as hard-pressed for friendship as I was our first year here. I honestly got very lucky, and I work to maintain those friendships, and to cultivate promising connections when they pop up. Neighbor mentions they like nerdy board games? I’m on it! Acquaintance says she wants to go to the art fair? Let’s go!
I acknowledge it is super hard and daunting. I’m a medium introvert but know that I need the social connection of 1-2 close friends (I’m NOT a social butterfly and truly prefer 1 on 1 time to parties or large groups like book clubs or whatever). I’m willing to be uncomfortable for a bit and psych myself up for these interactions. You might just have to text a few friend parents to meet up at a park for an hour (or wherever your kids want to play) and see who bites, and have an excuse to leave if it’s not going well. It’s hit or miss and you can’t take it personally if someone doesn’t say yes or reciprocate your reaching out. It’s a constant issue for me, so I totally hear you.
Anon
Appreciate your reply, this has given me a lot to think about! Especially as we head into K next fall and meet more families we will hopefully know for a long time. We’re similar I think, I definitely do better 1-on-1 than in large groups (daycare PTA was NOT for me). I also think Covid is a significant factor here. My almost 5 year old has never been invited to a whole class birthday party, for example. I don’t think it’s due to Covid caution because no one is wearing masks or taking any precautions, but it seems like a lot of kids still aren’t doing parties at all (her BFF turned 5 this month and didn’t have a friend party, for instance) and the handful of parties we’ve been invited to were for good friends of hers we’ve already had play dates with so we could drop off. I do feel kind of sad that I missed the big preschool party era of life since I’m not planning on having a second child. :/
anon
Counterpoint to Quail – my older son is in preschool and while I’ve reached out to set up play dates with other children he mentions playing with at school, it pretty much goes nowhere. We’ve also set up meet ups at the park and go to the other kids’ birthday parties. Everyone is nice, but not interested in making friends. I’m not sure what the answer is, OP. I’m in the same boat, two young kids and a strong introvert. I also WFH full time so I get very little human interaction through my work (unlike my old office job which was very social).
Anon
I commented above about having mostly drop-off playdates now, but this is was my experience too even when I’ve had the chance to chitchat with other parents. Everyone is nice (and I do feel like I could call them in an emergency, which is not nothing – it’s more of a “village” than I had pre-Covid) but no one seems to have any interest in being friends outside of our kids. I have long distance friends from college I talk to at least weekly and visit annually and I’ve just accepted that they’re going to fill my friendship needs for now, but yeah….I feel like a failure for not having local mom friends. And I worry about it spilling over and affecting my kid’s social life, though so far that doesn’t seem to be happening.
Anon
i think some of it is also luck. i have two girls (twins) in what happens to be a very boy heavy grade and the kids are starting to express preferences, plus all the boys play on a tball team together and so the parents see each other regularly 2+ times a week and most of the girls happen to be the 2nd or 3rd child, while the boys are the first. a lot of the parents in my kids grade also are from the city whereas we are transplants, so they aren’t looking to make as many new friends. a friend with kids in the grade below is having the complete opposite experience because there are more transplants
Anne-on
Someone posted this question on the moms page the other day but agreed that getting the contact info for moms/neighbors and inviting them over or to join you really helps. You don’t always have to host but I tried to make a habit of texting one or two other moms something like ‘hey, we’re going to the park/zoo/aquarium/play center on Saturday from 11-1, would love you and child to join us!’. That way there was a built in activity/topic of conversation, they only have to say yes or no so you don’t go back and forth a million times trying to plan, and if they can’t join you still have a fun activity to go to.
Once I got to know some moms better (or if I wanted to get to know them better) I’d invite them to a playdate at our house or to join us for a pizza night on say a Friday with the kids so the adults could all have a fun hangout too. If you are at a gym or church regularly I’d also start asking other couples/people out for a coffee or a meal after services. It feels a bit weird but I worked off the presumption that most people are nice and friendly and will be happy to be asked and if they’re hostile to an invite that’s a them problem, not a me problem.
Lizard
It’s honestly brutally hard. We moved out of state in our 30s thinking we would just make new friends in new state. After six years, we still hadn’t formed those deep, reflexive, comfortable connections with anyone. We ended up moving back to our original state, where we have college, grad school, and early-work-pre-kids friends already made. Even after a decade away, it was easier to fall back into friendships with those friends than to make new ones after moving.
All this is to say, if you have the opportunity to move back and think that moving might have been a mistake, better to correct it sooner than later. I wish we had never left Original State, but barring that, I wish we had moved back 3 years earlier (when we first started considering it) than we did.
anon
This comment makes me so sad. I left my city for DH’s job, and four years later I still haven’t made a single close friend. I don’t know if I’ll ever move back but I’m starting to wonder if I’ll just permanently feel socially adrift here.
Anon
Hi anon! I also loved for DH’s job four years ago and while I have some people that I hang out with, I don’t have the friendships of my home city. It simply is not the same later in life, and I’ve come to peace with visiting and calling my friendsm
Anon
+1 also moved for DH’s job 7 years ago and still don’t have close friends. It’s hard.
anon
I’m the anon at 1:11 and thank you to the other two anons who posted commiseration! I’m glad I’m not alone, at least.
Anonymous
It is famously hard to do so… I like where I live and wouldn’t be opposed to moving except that I’m near friends and family in my current city and know that it would be hard to replicate the community I’ve made here elsewhere so I’m pretty much necer moving.
That being said – try to find other parent friends through daycare? You really just need to befriend one or two locals who are social and can introduce you to their group and if you ge along with them, you’re set.
Anon Mom
I am going to give advice that runs against the modern impulse against joining organizations – but join an organization. And pick it carefully. You need that meets regularly but has flexibility in case you cannot show up, has people of roughly your age and stage of life, and involves an activity that requires interaction. The key is that you need to be actively involved in whatever it is an not just a passive observer.
For me this was my church. It was perfect for meeting people and making friends when I had young kids because I could join groups that interested me, they tended to have childcare, and we often did projects that required us to work together. Of 100 people, it might be that only 5 would end up being actual friends but it is like speed dating, only for friends. I am sure there are other possibilities that I am just not thinking of.
It is hard when you have young children because you need something that includes kids if you are going to do it regularly enough to meet people. This is one of the reasons for “mom friends” – people with whom you have very little in common besides proximity and having kids roughly the same age. Unfortunately once the children are older you often learn that was ALL you had in common – but now that my kids are older I still have a few of those people as real friends.
Good luck!
Anonymous
I am in a different situation as a single no-kids person, but I have made a lot of friends over the last 5 years by (1) taking advantage of any opening to turn an acquaintance into a friend and (2) following up to maintain the friendship by making and keeping plans with people. For example, I met someone at a party who mentioned she was experiencing a life transition in which her social circle was shrinking and she was upset by that. I said “well then let’s you and I be friends.” And you know what? We still are after about 5 years. We have plans tonight and visit about monthly. In another situation, a work colleague mentioned her sister was moving to our city and we are the same age and had some things in common. I immediately offered to help her sister find a good neighborhood based on my knowledge of the city. I did that, met her when she got here, and decided then that we’d be friends. We found a local event to go to together and that cemented it. And we are still close after about 3 years. We visit about monthly, sometimes more. And her other new friend comes with us and now she and I sometimes hang out separately. Another example – I met a neighbor at my Barre class. When she quit the class she gave me her number and suggested we keep in touch. We really didn’t for a few months, even though we live steps away, but when my neighborhood had a social event recently I took that as a chance to reach out and invite her to go together. During that we found common interests and decided on our next plan. People really do want friends. I know this all sounds pollyanna-ish, but it works.
Anonymous
I fell into a really nice friend group when someone in my kids daycare had the guts to put together a text group and ask people and invited people to a multi family play date that they hosted. It was nothing fancy and their home wasn’t perfect but it was amazing for meeting people and we’ve all stayed friends. Daycare for us honestly rules because everyone was a two parent working house so we had a ton in common. We do girls nights and the dads have become friends because they get the kids together when we’re out.
Anon
Super late comment, but that is so true about daycare vs. public school. SAHMs just didn’t want to be friends with me, a working mom, but we were all working moms at daycare dropoff.
to OP, if your kid shows the slightest interest in sports, enroll them in soccer or t ball or something like that. You will be stuck sitting on the sidelines for hours on the weekend, and if you are the one to bring a thermos that looks like coffee but is actually margaritas, you will make a ton of friends.
Anon
I’m looking for a pair of Chelsea boots with a wide toe box. Any suggestions for specific brands I should look at? Thanks!
London (formerly NY) CPA
I bought some from Rockport about a year or two ago that were wide width, and it looks like they still sell similar ones on their website
Cat
I have a pair of La Canadienne flat Chelsea boots and the toe is comfortable for my “not officially wide width, but usually the problem area” toe box.
worried
I second the La Canadienne flat chelsea or flat shorter boot (mine has a zipper, so not stricly chelsea) ! I bought mine in Late December and one in mid January from the company when they went on sale. My feet are not wide per say, but I have small bunions forming and they are super comfortable, fit an orthotic if I want to use it, and I can walk10km in them – bonus — they are really warm and my feet run cold.
Anon
Paul Green, if you’re open to spending that much.
Shelle
I need a wide toe box and have been happy with Sorels I bought a couple years ago (specifically the Harlow but that model may not be offered anymore). The upper is leather which I think is key in allowing a bit of stretch to accommodate the toes.
Anon
Hush Puppies
Anonymous
Have you tried Ecco? I’m not sure my feet are officially wide in the toe area but I think they are, and I love my Ecco ankle boots.
Anon
This is really helpful, thank you all!
bananonymous
Anyone have any luck in getting something from BR returned after the 30 day window? I missed it by 2 days and the online rep is telling me absolutely no exceptions? Seems crazy; should I try taking to a store?
Anonymous
I recently took back a bunch of stuff to Old Navy after the time period had passed and initially tried to just get store credit; the girl made me give her my email address and said the system took it all back without problem for full refund. i think if it’s still for sale on the website you’ve got a decent chance in person.
Anon
I don’t mean to be cruel, but why is it crazy? You apparently knew the time frame. Now one could argue the window should be longer, but making a purchase from a store that has a stated policy is an implicit agreement to respect that policy. If you can’t abide by it, you shouldn’t shop there. I won’t buy anything from a store that has a 14 day window, because I just can’t be sure that I’ll be able to make the decision to return and then actually return in that time frame. I also don’t shop at stores that only give store credit.
Anonymous
Not the OP but – I understand it’s a stated policy but when you make an order on Day 0 and one item leaves their warehouse on Day 5 and arrives at my house at Day 10 — I feel like Day 10 (arrival date) should be the start of the 30-day window, not Day 5 (date of shipping). It’s even worse when items from one order ship on different dates – I have a habit of waiting for the entire order to arrive before assessing it.
J.Crew Factory recently sent me something literally 4 months after I ordered it; I was gone on vacation for 3 weeks when it arrived, and when I sent it back I’d missed the return window by 2 days. No wiggle despite their delay in shipment and my vacation.
IrishMidori
Yeah, same. Shipping from some stores takes 2+ weeks, and I’ve had it happen more than once that the pieces of a matching suit ship weeks apart, so that by the time I receive the blazer and realize it’s not going to work, the matching pants are out of the return window. It’s almost enough to swear off internet shopping, but I have zero brick and mortar stores that sell suits within a 2 hour drive.
Anon
It’s unfortunately pretty standard that there are no exceptions to the return window. Old Navy is flexible but most mall stores aren’t.
Anon
I think stores have really been cracking down on this lately – maybe because they all got stuck with too much inventory during COVID and had it write it down? I’m a premier CC holder at Talbots and they refused a return from me – for a staple item they sell year-round, that I could point to in the current catalog – because it was outside the return window. I was pretty unhappy.
Cat
it’s harder for people to say no to your face, so the store is worth a try, at least?
Anonymous
Not crazy at all. You missed the return window.
Anon
+1 The entitlement here . . .
Anon
I don’t think it hurts to take it to a store. I think the Gap brands are cracking down though – I recently returned something within the window and they sent it back saying I missed it. I had to call some escalation number to get a refund.
pugsnbourbon
Was it a quality issue? I had a pair of sandals break after only a couple wears and was able to get a return outside the window. Otherwise you can sometimes ask for “one time grace” but YMMV.
Anonymous
I didn’t realize they had narrowed their return window and took something back to the store shortly after that. They allowed me to make the return and just informed me of the new policy, so might be worth a try.
Returns
Try going in store. I was able to return an order from June in early October (way past the window) without issue. The cashier looked up the item by order number, scanned, and refunded the item back to my card. It was worth the trip for me.
Anon
It pays to be suuuper nice. Don’t go in with an attitude. Just “I know I’m a couple days behind the window and I know that’s not your fault, but if there’s any way I can return this, I would really appreciate it.”
Anonymous
Trip suggestions for a skyscraper hotel in NYC for someone who has never visited the city before? I’ve appreciated the travel tips on here and welcome any recommendations!
FP
The combination Marriott Courtyard / Residence Inn Central Park on Broadway and 54th is great – the top floors are the Residence Inn and lower is the Courtyard. They have excellent views and it’s new-ish, so the elevators are quick and efficient. The location is nice for someone who is visiting the city and probably doing tourist stuff. However it’s not a complete full service hotel (no room service, etc) so if that’s what you’re looking for, it may not fit the bill.
Anon
We’ve also had great experiences at the Courtyard at 3rd & 52nd.
Anonymous
Also enjoyed this hotel, although my travel was pre-COVID, so not particularly recent. We’ve stayed a few times.
Anonymous
Has anyone returned Lulu’s dresses after the deadline? should i just ship it back and hope they’ll refund me something? Like the BR poster above, I missed the deadline due to a wedding getting changed (ugh) and they didn’t know what color they wanted us in (ugh) and I ordered two, wore one. Hoping to return the other one but I know I’m past the deadline.
Anon
Has anyone been to Seville? Any recs for things to do there? We’re planning a trip to the Algarve region of Portugal next spring and we were assuming we’d fly into Lisbon but it’s looking like Seville is quite a bit cheaper to get to, and not much farther from the Algarve. We’ll have a 5 year old with us.
ArenKay
We were there just for a day when our kids weren’t much older than yours. They loved the Alcazar and bull ring tour. Cathedral is also beautiful.
MJ
I liked Cordoba and Granada (particularly the Alhambra) much more than Seville. There are great beaches in Southern Spain, so you may want to consider a Spain trip instead of Portugal!
anon
Same! Seville is the bigger city so some people like that vibe more, but I loved Cordoba. Lots of charm and history. Check out the flower patios, the mosque cathedral,
and the old town while you’re there. Short train ride from Seville so if you don’t stay overnight you can do it as a day trip.
I did like the Seville alcazar. It retains more of its colors compared to the Alhambra (mostly white now) so it’s a great to see what these palaces might have looked like at one point. It was free on Monday afternoons when I went. Your kid might enjoy the peacocks that roam around the alcazar grounds. We went to a hammam spa, a flamenco show, and a food tour that we enjoyed. But I’m not sure that any of those are particularly kid friendly. Cadiz is a short train ride from Seville so you can do a beach day there if you want.
OP
Thanks all!
We were in Spain (Mallorca) last summer, and Portugal is one of only a handful of European countries I’ve never been to, so I’m pretty set on spending at least a few days in Portugal. But we should have 3-4 days in Seville so definitely interested in ideas for road trips or places to stop en route to Portugal.
OP
Meant “side trips” not “road trips”! I know train travel is the norm in Europe.
Anonymous
My new condo has zero closets on the first floor. Bedrooms are upstairs and practically speaking, I don’t think we will haul coats and boots up every day. There is a small space with two hooks and a shoe cubby (fits 2 pairs) near the entry way, but I have a three person household – we probably have 10 fall/winter coats between us for different occasions and weather. We have a garage that could fit some piece of furniture or rail to function as a drop zone of sorts. One caveat, I think I want coats hung up on hangers as opposed to on hooks. Any suggestions welcome!
Anne-on
It might work out to slighty cheaper to build something custom if you can get one of the closet companies out to your home. Ikea or Container Store both do garage/closet ‘systems’ and run periodic sales on the products. Otherwise if you really want a piece of furniture, Pottery barn has a nice ‘desin your own’ entryway set.
Cat
1. Keep only the coats in current rotation near the door. Others get stored in closets.
2. Are you a shoe-free house? Keep your commuting and casual weekend shoes on shelves or in a shoe cabinet in the garage.
3. Assuming you don’t have the space for coats near the door to be on hangers and perpendicular to the wall (like a normal closet), you need more hooks, and coats will go on hangers and hangers go on hooks. (Is your kid going to comply, or should there be a kid-height hook?)
4. Cold weather accessories need a place to live by the door, too. We use a pretty reusable tote on a hook to corral gloves and hats. Scarves get hung with the coat.
Anonymous
Ikea makes wardrobe systems with doors that would function well as a coat closet in a garage.
Anonymous
You could get a wardrobe from Ikea. We have mudroom cubbies for each person (with hooks and drawers); if you want less mess you can close it off. (Look at “mudroom lockers” instead and you’ll get a lot of ideas; you might be able to find some with space for hangers.) If you want coats on hangers I’d suggest keeping those in a wardrobe in hall, garage or upstairs. Also Google “Ikea mudroom hacks.”
Anon
What time would you host a Christmas open house if your plan was to make it so that people could roll straight into other parties later that day?
I host a Christmas party every year, but we need to host on a certain day for our own schedule, and we know that a good number of our guests will also have other parties to attend that evening. So I was thinking I’d do a drop-in, open house Christmas party in the late afternoon, so they can just swing by ours and then head to the others. (We considered hosting on Sunday, but figured it’d be kinder to only make people get dressed once – that Saturday – and theoretically let everybody have their Sunday at home in sweats.) These other parties will probably start at 7. Should I make ours 3-6? 4-7? I’m not worried about the rule about “foods heavy enough to be a meal” – I can’t not set out a smorgasbord!
Lizard
Both of those time frames seem fine. This doesn’t seem like something you can really manage too closely, since there are so many variables: the actual start times of the other parties, their locations, the dress codes, whether the guests want to swing back by home between parties, whether people want to show up early or late to yours, early or late to the other parties… all that is to say, just host at a time that works well for you, and your guests can figure it out from there.
Cat
I’d pick 4-7 to minimize the gap between your event and others’ and also to have your event feel more suitable for people in eveningwear.
Anon
3-7, expecting that you’ll have some people staying until the end (and beyond) but no new people showing up after ~6.
anon
I’d prefer 3-6 because it’s easier to go with my kids somewhere from 3 to 4:30 and then take them home for dinner/bedtime routine or to leave my kids with a high school age sitter at that time of day.
Anonymous
Those who don’t have other parties o go to will likely stay past the “end” so I’d have it start at 4 and go until whenever ut naturally ends
Anonymous
Honestly, I’m the outlier and would prefer you do the Sunday time frame. I think rolling from one party to another is so hard. I’d rather have two separate events. I personally like more casual Sunday afternoon get-togethers.
Anonymous
Ymmv but I would probably do a Sunday brunch under these circumstances. I certainly HAVE gone to multiple parties in one evening but I personally find it exhausting. Some people might not make it to the next party, either by design or at the last minute, then those hosts might be annoyed that you preempted their party. There’s also the alcohol element. People will have at least one drink at your place. Then have to drive or Uber to the next party and then home. Things to consider.
Abby
Has anyone bought a rug from Rugs USA before? I’m looking for a 11×14 rug for the living room. Rugs USA have very affordable prices and I want to make sure the quality is acceptable before buying.
boo
I have several times. It isn’t top-of-the-line quality, but isn’t going to fall apart either. Honestly, I replaced one after two years with a real wool rug and regret it all the time with all the shedding. They’ve been super easy to clean which is great with sick pets and kids too.
Anonymous
Our Rugs USA rugs are holding up like gangbusters, whereas the fancy one I paid a lot of money for is literally threadbare in weird places (there isn’t even furniture or traffic there). Especially for an 11×14 rug you’ll be fine there. You might want to look at Costco for comparable prices but I wouldn’t worry from Rugs USA.
Anon
I’ve ordered from them before. They don’t make their own rugs – they sell brands that are sold at various stores – so yes, the quality’s fine. (Though I think they do have their own in-house label, like Target’s Threshold line or what have you, but it’s fine. And even those aren’t made by them – it’s whatever carpet factory that also makes rugs for other stores making it for them.)
Anonymous
I have not, but watched this home tour last night and in the first 30 seconds the homeowner talks about her Rugs USA find: https://youtu.be/GRo8p5kgW3Q
Anon
I bought 3 in 2018-2019 and I love them. Really great quality for the price.
H13
I’ve bought from them. I love the wool rug I bought but it still sheds 5 years later. I just vacuum a lot. Make sure to read the reviews.
No Face
Fine. I have two rugs from there that I bought in 2010 or so?
Abby
Great! Thanks all!
Anon
They’re reselling the same old stuff you’d buy at other retailers like Wayfair, Target, etc. The quality is OK for what I’ve bought. Do a reverse image search though – the same stuff is sometimes even cheaper elsewhere.
thanksgiving anxiety
They sell a range of brands. You can sort by material and limit it to wool rugs if you’re looking for something nicer. I have a beautiful wool tufted rug in my office (that my cat is slowly destroying) from there. If you find something you like, I’d google it before purchasing because sometimes it’s cheaper somewhere else (in my experience, Target or Wayfair).
I don’t know the correct terminology but I personally stay away from most polypropylene rugs (like https://www.rugsusa.com/rugsusa/rugs/rugs-usa-broken-lattice/Gray/200BDSM04A-P.html ) bc they look cheap to me and remind me of something you put in a daycare playroom. I think it’s something about the shine and the way the sides are done. But I actually bought a cheap viscose rug (bc pets) for my living room and am pleasantly surprised how well it responds to cleaning with my Bissell little green machine. I think it looks better than most poly rugs I’ve seen but not as nice as wool.
Anon
What is a good current recommendation for a stretchy belt to wear with pants? I’m a pear, so pants droop on me b/c the waist is too loose (I size up to accommodate the hips). And no pants look good if they are droopy. Are there any good elastic or stretchy partial elastic belts that don’t look like they are for little kids? Efforts at nipping in the waist seem to result in too-tight pants and large bills (the alterations and then the next set of pants I need to buy), so I’d like to try the belt approach. Maybe 3/4″ wide? For a size 8-10 women’s pants size.
Anon
Do you already wear curvy pants? The cut is really the answer, with or without alterations, as needed. Maybe an adjustable belt, such as those sold by Chico’s or WHBM?
Panda Bear
Try curvy fit pants, but also, try the ‘invisibelt’! I love it. Stretchy elastic and made to layer under shirts (smooth buckle that doesn’t cause an awkward bump under tops), but they sell it in fun prints and colors (I just have a black one) if you want it to show.
Anon
Another perspective on the invisibelt. The plastic buckle digs uncomfortably into my belly when I’m sitting down. I have to wear it with the buckle on the side, which is a bit of a hassle for bathroom trips.
Curious
I use this one lately. It’s not high fashion, but for $10 it’s doing the job.
SATINIOR 4 Pack Women No Show… https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07XHRRXP9?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Anon
Does anyone have any tips for similifying your life/reducing stress, that don’t involve throwing money at the problem? One of the things stressing me out is that I’ve overspent in the last few months and need to build my savings back up. I’ve started limiting my phone time, activities on the weekends, and take a walk at lunch time every day. I work in-office 5 days a week and the commute-kid pickup-dinner routine is killing me, even though my kid is late elementary and much more self sufficient.
Cat
batch cooking your protein or main course. Like – why make one lasagna when it takes only a fraction more time to make 2 at once, and then cut them to appropriate “family meal” portions to freeze? Then all you have to do is pull something out to thaw, and add veggies or salad to make it a meal.
Anon
When I was in that phase of life, ensuring that every time I cooked, the results would provide at least 2 meals. So small pork roast would be served with tortillas, rice, beans, salsa one night, shredded with barbecue sauce and serve with potatoes and broccoli a second night, added to ramen a third night. My aim was to make at least 2 of the Monday through Thursday meals “assemblage” rather than “cooking” from scratch.
Anon
getting rid of stuff at home and making sure you have good systems in place to find what you are looking for and that you keep things in the place that makes the most sense for your family. like for us, we keep all socks by the door (adults too) which means when it is time to leave the house i dont have to run back to my room to grab socks
Anonymous
go to sleep earlier
anon
Even though I’m tired in the evening and it’s the last thing I feel like doing, getting stuff ready the night before helps reduce stress in the morning so I’m not starting off feeling behind.
Is there any weekend meal prep that would make things smoother during the week? I’m not suggesting that you carve out an entire afternoon for it, but even a little bit helps reduce that friction. And I agree with the previous poster about trying to cook less while still getting several meals out of the main dish.
Having designated days for certain tasks helped reduce my mental load. The laundry is piled up on Tuesday? No problem, because I have a laundry day coming up on Thursday. Then I just don’t think about it/stress about it.
My kids are older, too, and it’s still a lot to juggle and manage! We need to eat and have clean clothes no matter what else is going on, and I’m also not in a position to outsource my entire domestic life.
Anon
How would you explain in pretty simple terms why US society and politics have become more polarized over the last decade or so? I find myself having to explain why we are here and how the country seems less unified than ever, but when the question of why comes up, I’m having trouble explaining the roots of why we have strong differences in views in the US when we’ve had a 2 party system, racism, haves and have nots for many generations so those things are not new. Not trying to stir the pot – just trying to explain stuff to my preteen kids, my immigrant parents, etc. kind of objectively and without my own biases.
Anon
Crazies voting in party primaries. And then jerrymandering where a crazy elected by the far left/right wings of a party will pretty much win the general election without much work. The far 25% of each end of the spectrum is who gets elected and the middle 50% of the spectrum isn’t represented at all, tunes out, and refuses to participate, which just continues the problem.
Senior Attorney
That plus the repeal of the Fairness Doctrine and the rise of Fox News and similar outlets, which spew partisan propaganda instead of actual news.
Lily
Because some (a lot of) people view equality as oppression. Backlash against narrowing the racial wealth / achievement gap, unchecked xenophobia, etc.
Because our public schools (and really most local government agencies other than police) are underfunded. People have no civic education and no confidence in their government and don’t know how it works.
Because corporate greed and the decimation of unions. Citizens United decision.
Anon
I think it’s the 24 hour news cycle and the Internet.
Anon
I was coming here to say that. At this point most people get their “news” from a source that confirms their world view and prejudices. The internet makes it easier for people to live in an echo chamber where their beliefs never get challenged and the “other side” is demonized. And turning people against each other – by political party, region, generation, etc. drives clicks.
Add to this a lot of very vocal people on the right and the left who insist that they are absolutely right and that there is no room for nuance and you have our current mess. Sadly I suspect most people live in the middle but expressing middle of the road views will get you shouted down on the internet so many people avoid them.
Anon
Yes. When I look at my relatives who have extreme beliefs, they watch Fox News or OANN all the time and it really whips up their anxiety. Even looking at websites with more diverse users like Twitter, you’re constantly bombarded with people’s hot takes on all sorts of terrible events. It makes you think the sky is falling. If there’s one thing you think might be an answer to fix the thing, then everyone who is opposed to the answer becomes scary and terrible. There are a lot of people to reinforce your beliefs or to fight with.
PolyD
Definitely. And also the tendency of the media to make everything a horse race and to “both sides” everything. For example, there does not exist an equivalent to Marjorie Taylor Greene among Democratic congresspeople, but the media likes to pretend that AOC is the equivalent. You may not agree with her positions, but AOC is not saying that Jewish space lasers are responsible for wildfires in California.
Anon
The Squad’s antisemitism has been well documented.
PolyD
Eh, a lack of unquestioning support for Israel does not make one anti-Semitic (although I realize Ilhan Omar has said some questionable things, but I don’t think she’s accused George Soros of using Jewish space lasers).
Anon
I actually agree with you, but MTG goes way beyond anti-semitisim into full-on crazy and conspiracy theories. I detest AOC but I don’t think she and MTG are at all equivalent.
Anonymous
I agree with the gerrymandering. I also think it has to do with the reluctance of the white patriarchy and the people who rely on the white patriarchy to play on an even field with others as demographics and power structures change.
Anon
Social media, and I don’t mean that people waste too much time on it, I mean that there are bad actors that deliberately use it to spread false information and foment exactly this kind of division.
Nesprin
The citizens united decision, where companies/the wealthy can spend unlimited money on elections, sure hasn’t helped. But I’d put the root of all evil at the foot of the decision to end the fairness doctrine in news media and the rise of fox news+ other extremist news platforms. It’s hard not to be politically isolated when each electorate gets their information from different places.
Anon
I think the Big Sort explains a lot of it. People are much more likely now to live, work, go to school, and worship with people who are ideologically similar. That rose of social media, which tends to be super ideologically siloed, further contributes. The result is that people are less likely to have friends and loved ones with different political views, which means an increase in seeing those people as “other.” When you see people as other, you’re less empathetic toward them and more likely to think of them as lesser.
My social world as a child in the 1980s was significantly more politically diverse; there were a lot of Rs in my Atlanta suburb, but a locally famous liberal judge lived just down the block and my dad was an ex-Carter appointee. Everyone swam at the same community pool and played on the same tennis team and belonged to the same Scout troop. My dad got into vigorous but cheerful debates with Reaganite co-workers at the office coffee maker; in my office today our CEO so reflexively assumes everyone she meets is a Democrat that it’s resulted in embarrassing situations with clients and guest speakers.
Anon
This. You don’t even have to gerrymander when people do it themselves. And once you don’t know anyone from the other party, it’s easy to think of them as less than human, which never leads anywhere good. I agree that all of the money in politics, social media, Fox News, and the nationalization of news in general doesn’t help either, but physical separation is one of the biggest ones.
Anon
Cannot agree with this enough. I know middle aged adults who are moving hundreds of miles away from the places they have lived for 10 or 20 or 30 years because they can no longer tolerate the political climate. This also causes extremism, for a whole host of reasons if anyone would like the impromptu lesson.
The other thing is we’ve replaced non-professional political activists with either professional political activists or keyboard warriors. Ten years ago, I got along fine with my counterparts across the aisle. We were both there for election-day lawyering or to testify on a bill; we both took time off from our real jobs.
Now, it’s a lot of professional activists, and their interests are not aligned with the interests of even people who believe what they are doing. There is a belief that they should push for everything they can get. Instead of enshrining abortion until the end of the first trimester into law, or a pro-life law with exceptions for rape and incest, they go to taxpayer-funded abortion until viability or no exceptions except life of the mother. “Everything you can get” is the strategy, not “something most people can live with, even if it isn’t their preference.”
The keyboard warriors are the worst. They tend to not deep-dive into what they are talking about; at most, they repost “research” and claim that you’re an ignorant tool if you don’t believe the “experts.” I’ve literally had to screen-shot the underlying source material to show people that it doesn’t say what they think it says, or that the “research” didn’t exist at all (e.g., there were no listed research methods, study groups, or results). But everyone around them says that if you don’t believe this, you’re a stupid Trumpthuglican or a harlot intent on destroying America, so…..
And don’t get me started on how skyrocketing wealth inequality plays a role in this. Even twenty years ago, the rich weren’t that rich, and the upper-middle class was a lot closer to “middle class” than “upper class.”
…and America is huge – third largest by population in the world, IIRC. That makes it very hard to keep people on the same page.
Anonymous
Gerrymandering, primary systems tend to push people to the extremes, 24 hour news cycle/more news options (it’s a lot easier for everyone to actually agree on shared facts when your news sources were 3 broadcast networks that had an hour of evening news), and social media. And apparently an utter lack of critical thinking skills, because no, older relative, obviously that random post you just shared on Facebook is false if you took 2 seconds to think about it and do some research.
Anon
I completely agree with you but do feel like I need to point out that misinformation on the left is also a thing it just tends to live on Twitter rather than Facebook.
I remember all of the people on FB who were completely flabbergasted on the right that Newsom survived the recall (!) and the number of people on the Twitter who were shocked that Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted (which was less certain but always a serious possibility).
Anonymous
Oh yea, I totally agree it’s both sides and across all platforms. My older relatives all just seem to be on Facebook.
Hypatia
Sure, but there has also been solid research that people who watch right-wing media are less likely to distinguish fake news from real news. Probably because they are steeped in partisan propaganda all the time.
Some studies on this: Breaking the news: Belief in fake news and conspiracist beliefs
Angela Anthony &Richard Moulding. Who Believes in Fake News? Identification of Political (A)Symmetries
João Pedro Baptista & Anabela Gradim.
Anon
In the last decade, it’s social media / the internet / changes in mainstream media consumption. It used to be that everyone watched Walter Cronkite and read their town paper, and those single sources were the end of it, but now you can watch opinion hosts in the guise of 24 hour “news” spout nonsense from either side, and social media “curates” your feed to whatever it thinks you want to see, so we don’t have the same center of facts as a nation. Enter “alternative facts.”
Anonymous
The Republican party is just a bunch of rich people who have convinced a bunch of middle
class and working class people that they should blame all their problems on poor people. When they govern, the rich get richer and they actually hurt middle class people while blaming the poor. And middle class/ working class republicans keep buying it so the cycle continues. Until billionaires pay zero in taxes and we’re locking migrant children in cages.
The Democratic Party is literally courting the vote of everyone who hasnt fallen for this and as a result cannot effectively message or govern.
Anon
Are you high?
anonymous
Do you support repeal of the cap on the SALT deduction (i.e., the single most progressive/regressive tax debate in Congress)? My guess is that, like the vast majority of Ds, you supported the repeal. How about vaccine mandates to buy a product from Big Pharma that wasn’t even tested for its ability to prevent transmission? Or what about $40-50 billion to Ukraine to buy weapons of war from the American military-industrial complex? You can justify all of this until the cows come home (and I agree with your point about the GOP), but the Democrat Party also caters exclusively to the rich.
Anonymous
agree with 1:47 – the GOP is now gun nuts, forced birthers, white supremacists, and rich “fiscal conservatives” who don’t care who they’re in bed with. the Democrats are supposed to cater to literally everybody else.
Anonymous
Social media for sure! I’m in policy and my DH is an LEO, during the pandemic I’ve been threatened in writing and my DH has been assaulted by right wing crazies. My MIL, despite our lived experiences and her son literally being assaulted, is still a right wing anti vaxxer. It’s so sad her FB news takes precedence over her child.
Anon
Lack of training (permissive parenting) and education. The education my children are receiving here is absolutely inadequate and not at all comparable with either my or their fathers educations (we are both middle class from other countries, with similar age nieces and nephews receiving education elsewhere in the world). It’s no wonder to us that a significant number of Americans can’t have an open debate or hold two contrasting thoughts simultaneously. I say this as someone who loves America in so many other ways.
Anon
I am on routine meds for allergy issues and also the pill for managing some Lady Problems. But I’ve never been on psychological meds myself. Kiddo has ADHD, diagnosed right before the pandemic. It’s been whack-a-mole trying to get any med to work (right med? wrong med? wrong dosage but right med?). Our pediatrician gave up and referred us to a pediatric psychiatrist, a woman (which we often like as kiddo is a girl), but she only meets via videoconference. We met over the summer and our most recent appointment just got rescheduled to Thanksgiving. Is something like this, where you rely on a kid self-reporting symptoms and can’t even observe her directly, likely to actually work? Kiddo is now a middle-schooler and somewhat articulate, but IDK what to really expect there. If it’s beyond the pediatrician’s competency as a complex case, should we try to find someone else who will meet in-person? [I did spend a morning trying to cold-call practices with no referral and it seems that this sort of specialized doctor is hard to find; is a teen old enough to see a non-pediatric psychiatrist? Kiddo is the weight of smaller adults, so if that is a limiting factor for some kids, maybe that’s not as much of a concern here?]
Anon
i mean while some pediatricians will prescribe those kinds of meds, technically, that is not what pediatricians focus on in medical school or in their training. my bff is a pediatrician and she said she will prescribe psych meds when necessary, but always refers out. i don’t know if it is fair to say that your pediatrician ‘gave up’ – treating ADHD is not their main specialty and a responsible doctor will refer out.
Anon
Thanks — I get that. My sense is that if the pied who has seen kiddo in person for years can’t get this to work, is it realistic to expect a zoom visit to be of any real help?
Anon
the research is always changing on different meds and i would expect a psychiatrist to be much well versed on all the different combinations than a pediatrician
ADHD Adult
If you haven’t already, I would consider getting a therapist involved as well, someone who specializes in kids/adolescents with ADHD. They may be able to help your kid articulate and monitor symptoms. They may also have referrals to psychiatrists that may be a better fit. Some practices have both therapists and psychiatrists in the same place, which makes it even easier. Psychology Today is a great resource for finding therapists by location, insurance, specialties etc. Also, don’t be afraid to change doctors/therapists when they aren’t working. The fit has to be right, especially when it comes to mental health!
Anon
That is basically how psychiatric meds work. I don’t think it’s fair to characterize your pediatrician as giving up, when this is clearly something that an expert should be involved in.
pugsnbourbon
If you’re seeing the psychiatrist for med management, I’m not sure what would be the benefit of in-person vs. videoconference. In my experience these appointments are pretty brief – you’ll talk about what’s working, what’s not, and then discuss options for changing meds/doses.
anon
Same. Med management appointments are different than therapy sessions, IME. My kiddo sees an ADHD therapist but has a separate person who actually does the prescribing. Our pediatrician was OK prescribing in the early years of his diagnosis but as his case became more complex, she referred us to someone new for meds management.
Anonymous
Do you keep a medication log, like the one at ADDitude? I modified mine slightly but it’s been invaluable in the 2 years and all the different doses we’ve been on; the ADDitude one also sort of helps you assess if it’s doing what it should be doing. Maybe you could sit down with your daughter and assess it together?
https://www.additudemag.com/download/adhd-medication-monitoring-log/
Our developmental pediatrician monitored my son (AuDHD) until about med/dose #6 and then she sent us to a psychiatrist, who mostly only meets via videoconference too.
We also frequently have his teachers fill out the Vanderbilt forms to assess how it’s going – his teachers must have done them 6x last year because we did AM and PM separately.
Anon
OK — that is helpful. I feel like just seeing a head in a window isn’t really helpful in assessing how a person presents (like if there is a lot of stimming going on), but keeping a day-to-day log would help and kiddo is old enough to contribute to that (perhaps with parent annotations / observations kept separately).
anon
How much job stress is too much? If you hate the busy season to the point where it triggers depression/anxiety every single year, is that a good enough reason to find a new career? I know that I’m prone to perfectionism, anxiety, and the whole bit. So it feels like a “me” problem. But it sucks to feel like I’m doing all the things to try to manage myself and it’s not really working. Time off doesn’t work because I come back to a horrendous pile of work. Truly don’t know what to do next. I have a stable job in a small market, and relocation is NOT an option. Shouldn’t that be enough?
Anon
“I hate the busy season and it makes me a physical and emotional wreck” is totally a reason to find a new job! That’s one reason the Big 4 accounting firms churn through tens of thousands of people a year ha. Busy seasons suck!
Vicky Austin
Agree. It’s fine to live a life that doesn’t make you confront your worst struggles all the time.
Anon
I don’t think you’re asking the right question here. You don’t need a “reason” to quit your job or leave the field. Wanting to leave is good enough reason. You don’t have to justify it. The real question to figure out is what else do you want to do? What are other career options?