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Coffee Break: Stevie Boots

black suede ankle boot with thin block heel

I'm gearing up to do a Hunt for ankle boots sometime soon, and when I started looking today I immediately fell in love with this chic pair from J.Crew — but apparently so has everyone else because many of the colors are down to lucky sizes only.

The big fall sale they just had might be somewhat to blame, so I figured I'd post it anyway, both because a) they probably will come back in stock, but b) if your size is in stock right now you might want to check it out.

I like the “softly pointed”toe, the height of the shaft and the fact that it isn't overly tight against the leg, unlike a lot of the “sock booties” we've seen in recent years. They're $248 full price, but are temporarily marked down to $199.

Readers, what types of ankle boots are you wearing to work right now? Where do you fall on some of the trends we've seen recently that are still floating around like lug soles, platforms, sock booties, and split shafts?

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Sales of note for 12.5

185 Comments

  1. Has anyone on here tried an open relationship or know someone who has tried? What was the outcome?

    I feel like all the stories I hear sound like they require huge amounts of emotional regulation and challenges, and I wonder what the payout is.

    1. Not exactly fully open, but I know somebody who tried a poly (3-person) relationship and it ended up crashing and burning. I that case my friend had a crush on the woman and was willing to share with the existing boyfriend rather than admit that he wanted a relationship with the woman all to himself, and as I say it ended predictaby badly.

    2. I’ve never seen it go well. Even the functional ones have all crashed and burned after a few years. What I’ve seen most often is there is jockeying for being the ‘primary’ partner, and then eventually the only. It’s so messy

    3. One of my best friends is poly (and bi). Her partners are poly as well. It takes a lot of communication and a lack of jealousy, but it definitely works for her and her partners. I attended her housewarming two weeks ago, and her & her partner’s other partners were there and everyone got along wonderfully. Everyone new that she dates, she makes it clear from the get-go that she is poly and does not continue dating them if that isn’t their cup of tea, and of course it narrows her dating pool.

      I have not seen it work out well when a previously monogamous couple tried to open up their relationship. It seems like either you are built for non-monogamy or you are not. Personally, it’s not for me (I’m way too possessive).

      1. To clarify — in addition to her primary partner whom she lives with, she dates 2 other people, and her partner dates one other person. They are not all in a relationship with each other, though they have met each other’s partners and are on friendly terms.

        1. How does she have time to be in a partnership and still date two more people? I’m impressed that anyone could juggle all that booty plus presumably a full time job, friends, family, social events, etc.

          2. Honestly I have no idea. But she’s generally like that — she somehow seems to have thrice the time of everyone else!

    4. I think there have been some Refinery29 money diaries from people in poly relationships, but it was a long time ago and I don’t remember how else you could find them.

    5. Every time I’ve seen it, it’s been a precursor to divorce/break up. The couples I’ve known have been previously monogamous, and probably should have just broken up, but took this step in the name of spicing things up and/or being able to see other people without it being “cheating”

    6. I met one of my ex boyfriends when he was newly divorced from an open relationship. All I heard in the beginning was that she had left him for the male half of a couple they were “swinging” with.

      As time went on it came out that he had really pushed the open relationship on her, I think because he wanted to sleep with the woman half of the other couple, and then it totally backfired on him.

      When we were dating he knew that I was a monogamy-only person, which he said was what he was looking for at the time, but he was also working (not yet sleeping with) another woman on the side and eventually we broke up over that. He married her, she fleeced him for tons of money according to mutual friends.

      That’s my story. I’m not sure there’s really a lesson here but it feels like karma to me!

    7. It seems like there’s no way it would end well unless it’s super discreet and there’s no way for emotional entanglement (e.g., wife gives her husband permission to sleep with strangers when he’s out of town). Although even that isn’t foolproof these days because with texting, facetime, etc. it could easily turn into an ongoing emotional connection.

    8. I have two close people in my life (one close family, the other a friend) that are in open or poly relationships; my family member has been in their poly-relationship since 2005, so it’s definitely long term. As someone said, it definitely takes a lot of communication and lack of jealously. I remember in the early days of it, there were definitely some bumps, especially when they were living in separate houses, but now that they all live together, it appears to be going very strong. This was also one that went from a monogamous relationship and then my family member came in as the third. In terms of payout, I don’t know that I can speak specifically since I’m not actually in the relationship, but in my eyes, it means more love and it’s taught me not to think of love as a finite thing – it’s ever expanding.

    9. I’d worry I’d wind up in something like Sister Wives where I am the Nikki in that series of relationships and not Margene.

      1. My thoughts went to Meri and Christine (and likely Janelle) and not being the Robyn. Those early episodes (pre Robyn) seemed like they were pretty happy, but what a sad present day.

        2. Is it sad? I’m thrilled Christine is leaving! Janelle is forging her own path. I feel sad for Robyn who’s stuck with Cody as a full time husband.

          1. I think Robyn is thrilled. She and Kody are basically monogamous at this point, which is what she wanted. Christine is getting out, and Janelle seems satisfied being in a platonic situation. It’s Meri I feel bad for. She clearly wants a real (romantic) marriage but doesn’t have the self-esteem to leave him like Christine did.

          2. The thing that feels so unrealistic about that show (even though it’s “reality”) is that even one woman would want Kody, let alone four.

      3. I’m more of a Barb, but I don’t have her type of patience/willingness to smooth things over when conflicts arise between the spouses. I’d probably snap and drive off into the sunset in a new sports car. Two is my lucky number, and two is the number of people I want in an intimate relationship.

        1. so .. Seventh Sister, but never Seventh Sister Wife?

          I am also a Barb, but I would have left day one.

          1. Yeah, as much as I would have appreciated all of the built-in childcare when my kids were small, I don’t think I could handle that level of communal living for an extended period of time.

    10. I know someone that this worked for very well. The wife had no desire for gardening. Her and her husband agreed he could seek out gardening with other women. He’s been doing this for 15 years without a problem. He’s clear with the new companion it’s not a relationship and it’s only to meet he gardening needs. As far as I know, he’s had a few multi-year companions. Wife is happy. He’s happy. Or at least they seem to be.

    12. My hair dresser and her husband have an open relationship (not sure that is the correct term). They are married and have a child and both have multiple partners. This is not a secret–their 10 year old knows–and everyone seems happy.

    13. I dated a lot of men in open relationships because it was easy and fun with no strings attached. Several of those men are no longer with their then female partner. I think it works like any other relationship except the open aspect makes it easier to leave because they are no leaving and going to be alone. An open relationship takes a lot of flexibility, communication, scheduling, and often times money if there are kids involved. I knew one guy who was a millionaire and knew his wife since they were teenagers. It worked for them because they had a full time nanny so scheduling childcare and financing it was less of an issue. I don’t think open relationship are a long term solution for most people. Maybe swinging on the rare occasion like when on vacation, but that’s it.

      1. I have posted about this before, but I used to work with a guy who was in an open relationship and hooked up with a lot of women in our industry and office. Turns out only he knew the relationship was open. Wife did not, and it got uuuuuuggggglly when she found out, especially the day she showed up at our office!

        He doesn’t work in the industry anymore.

    14. I have known several couples with open relationships, though am only in touch with one now (and their open status is new). My understanding is that doing it respectfully involves a firm set of rules that are set together, and breaking these rules is considered cheating.

      Having never done it myself, I guess I can’t have an opinion as to whether it works or not. The only time I have considered it, it was a Hail Mary situation in a failing relationship. I do think that’s often when it comes up, and it’s probably doomed in that scenario.

    15. I have seen several situations where the man pushed to open the relationship. It turns out that what they meant was that they could have multiple women as partners, but they were not at all prepared for wife to have male partners. And whew boy, these were some angry and upset men when their own plans did not work out as expected. I have opening the relationship work where the female partner had only female experiences outside the primary relationship.

      1. I’ve seen this too (man pushing for open relationship). In the situation I saw, it got really iffy when the wife got pregnant.

      2. if you enjoy this sort of content you need to follow redd1t relationship advice, where nearly daily a man writes in who wanted to open the relationship but is p1ssed that his wife/girlfriend is now getting more than he is, and enjoying it.

    16. When I was living and dating in Seattle in the early 2010s, there were so many polyamorous people out there and man, they loved to tell you all about it. It sounded exhausting to me – I don’t want to have to leverage a color-coded Google calendar to manage my romantic life.

      I have known three stable polyamorous family groups well in my life – two were all-male, and one was a man and two women. I’m not sure what became of one of them, but one of the all-male ones crashed and burned when one member cheated on the other two (with my now-ex-husband…yeah) and the mixed-gender one fell apart when the male partner dropped his original partner in favor of the second woman, who the original partner had actually brought into the relationship in the first place. In the second case, there were children in the home that the male partner shared with a former wife; he lost custody due to the degree of upheaval the children were subjected to and the children now live exclusively with the former wife. Not sure what happened to the third group as I fell out of touch with them.

      I have also known a fair number of other gay male couples who were nonmonogamous, but more in a casual way not a “established three-person household way.”

      1. One of the married male couples I know had a brief stint with just one of them being poly. The poly partner had a whole thing where he “came out” as poly and basically announced it to everyone looking for some sort of congratulations, when most of us just wanted to ask if he was sure his husband was really on board since it was so one-sided. Poly friend immediately found another partner (maybe he was lined up already, who knows) and then seemed to want to force the whole thing down his husband’s throat, like they were going to be a big happy threesome and have dinners together and boyfriend would live at their place part time, but only poly partner would be sleeping with him.

        After a while, non-poly husband decamped to a rental, and the threesome became a twosome of poly husband and his boyfriend. Then boyfriend got upset because he wasn’t the only one on an emotional level and dumped my friend.

        My friend is now back together with his husband, which amazes me. I hope husband got revenge in some sort of petty way, because even though poly guy is my closer friend, I was Team Husband all the way on this one.

    17. I have known a few monogamous couples who tried it and ended up splitting up. I know one couple who will swing when on vacation, and that works for them. From what I see, what causes the crash and burn is that one person is only doing it because the other one wants it, or there are not very specific rules on what is allowed. But my response now is if a friend asks what I think of it and they are thinking about trying it, my only advice is to get a divorce attorney because that is what comes next.

    18. Isn’t this one of those things that men ask women to do and women go along with to prove that they are cool and modern and to hang on to the guy, even though they don’t really want it, and then the dude leaves the original woman anyway after he’s had his fun?

      1. Ha! I’m mid 50s and you have just described how it ended up working in every case I’m familiar with.

      2. Nope. There’s this cool thing where women are actual unique and individual people who sometimes want different things from each other, and whose choices are not always 100% dictated by the men in their lives. It is possible for two different women to feel differently/have different experiences — I promise.

      4. I prefer the stories that end with the woman realizing what she’s been missing and that she doesn’t have to settle for a man who tells her she’s not enough and she rides off into the sunset with her ho-tation at her beck and call.

    19. I need to be Anon for this, but one of my BFFs is poly and one of her partners is an long-term open relationship. my friend is the one with 2 long term partners, partner 1 is in an open relationship with my friend, partner 2 is in a monogamous relationship with my friend. It has worked for several years now, but they all communicate openly and have a schedule. I guess it helps that my friend is asexual and kinda aromantic. Partner 1 and my friend have been in an open relationship for over a decade, it’s how Partner 1 gets his gardening done. partner 2 met my friend and partner 1 thru mutual friends a few years ago. partner 2 and partner 1 aren’t exactly best friends but they are friends. no kids involved, so that might also be a factor as to why their relationships has been stable.

    20. This thread is making me feel like such a square! I don’t know anyone who has an open relationship or is part of a throuple. (That I know of, anyway)

    21. Late to this but:

      (1) One couple where one spouse traveled extensively around 9 months our of the year and the other lived in a city other than the one in which he was based. For complicated work and school reasons, living in the same city was impossible for 2 years but they did not want to break up. They had a 500 mile/5 day rule; if they were more than 500 miles apart for 5+ days either of them could have a pass with appropriate precautions. They both took advantage of it – although for her not often. It ended when she finished her graduate program and they could live in the same city. They are now married with kid – to all appearances happily.

      (2) A trio that lived together for a time. One of them moved away – I think in part to get a clean break and the other two split not long thereafter. I did not know them well enough to have much insight into the ways that worked (or didn’t). It was not terribly messy, partly because they were all young and nobody was thinking it would last forever.

      I cannot imagine trying to balance more people’s needs and wants but I do not really care what other consenting adults do in their private lives.

      1. Wow, 5 days apart is…really not long. I also did long distance with my husband for two years for complicated work reasons, and it wasn’t fun but neither of us wanted to go to bed with someone else. To each their own, but it seems pointless to me to even get married if you’re going to sleep with other people whenever you’re apart for less than a week.

        1. It was pretty much never just a week. Between his work schedule and her school schedule they were lucky to get more than a weekend a month except in the summer.

          And I could sort of see their point. Neither of them could really see themselves being celibate 90% of the time for 9 months of the year for 2 years for someone they weren’t married to, but they didn’t want to break up. They stopped before they got married (in fact when she moved to his city). They are still apart a lot but it’s 50% of the time for 9 months. It’s been a couple of years but they seem happy.

          I probably wouldn’t like it either but different strokes

    23. Yes! I am polyamorous – always have been, it’s about as much of a part of my identity as my orientation/gender. I know lots of other poly couples/polycules/throuples/open relationships/etc., but have typically tended to not run in those crowds exactly – some communities can get quite tight-knit, and getting involved with one person feels equivalent to walking into a party well past its prime, with all the baggage and complications that long-term relationships can bring (but amplified across 5+ or more couples/pairings/groupings who you are now intimately connected with through a number of degrees of separation).

      My most recent relationship I’d say was fundamentally monogamous and lasted 5+ years. We did not date other people for the majority of it. We split due to issues unrelated to polygamy (I briefly dated a woman for a year during, but her and I split and I did not date anyone else prior to me and my primary SO’s breakup — he did not date anyone else, but I would have supported him if he had chosen to), As someone whose polyamory is innate to how I most naturally to interact with people I am closest to, even without a gardening component, I had to think long and hard about how to navigate close friendships without tripping over those emotional fences monogamous couples take for granted (it’s not enough to just not garden with your secretary – as anyone who’s been in such a similar situation can attest to). For me, what it came down to expectations and entitlements to emotional labor – my SO can assume he has access to as much and as many emotional resources as I can spare (this does not include emotional resources I need to keep myself sane/healthy), because they are a priority, whereas friends may have access to some emotional labor, but I may choose not to put in emotional labor simply on a “don’t want to/not worth it” basis — simple stuff, I’m sure, but also not questions I innately had answers to.

      Anyway, that primarily monogamous relationship ended, and now I’ve got a few different people I’m close to who know they’re very important to me, who I have regular open conversations with about how they fit in my life, what level of commitment to my time/effort we can expect from each other, and a minority of whom I might sometimes do some gardening (or gardening-adjacent) activity with. They all know where they stand, what to expect ,and I try to communicate proactively if that’s going to change. There’s no secrecy, sneaking, and I attribute the near non-existence of jealousy to the fact that I’m very clear up front about how I like to interact with people, and the fact that they are not in competition to be “the one,” and that if that’s not for them, that’s totally OK, we’re just not compatible in that case — I think the majority of jealousy issues come from expectations that people hold, and giving people the info they need to make an informed choice puts everyone in a better position to behave rationally (and step back before they get attached, if they know they need something exclusive).

      So far, so good! And now, I’m not left trying to rely on one person for any kind of interaction above a certain threshold of emotional intimacy, and instead can pick which person seems best suited to whatever kind of interaction I’d like to have — some people are better suited for lengthy, analytical discussions of next career moves, others just really want to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. No more stilted, awkward, painful experiences of trying to connect in ways with someone who just doesn’t connect with me in that way, simply because they’re the person who I’m supposed to connect to on that level — there’s nothing worse than showing your ONE romantic partner that achievement you’re most proud of and watching it go right over their head cause it just isn’t their thing, even while they’re trying their best to be supportive, and not feeling allowed to go to anyone else more on that wavelength instead. Overall, it’s been smooth sailing and I’m a lot more fulfilled this way.

  2. WTH is an “HR business partner”? Like are these people coming out on pitches with us now? Was in a work e-mail from a very corporate-speak sender and just that was said (vs a person’s name). I gave someone that I assume is in HR my social security card and W-4 when I started working here and a bot send me e-mails re 401K statements and send me links to an open enrollment site where I fill in tick-boxes. I haven’t had human contact with HR in a LONG time . . . and now they are business partners of mine?

    1. A lot of companies outsource HR to a separate company at least partially. Without any further context if someone said “HR business partner” I would assume they meant the outside HR people.

    2. In big-enough orgs, each department has a primary contact with HR. That’s your dept’s HR business partner. Awkward role name, that’s all.

        1. Because Pat is a professional and her role is HR business partner. You’re just looking ignorant.

          1. This. Hi, it’s 2022 and this has been a role for at least a decade, longer actually.

      2. Maybe in some companies, but I have seen the term used to mean someone who doesn’t perform standard HR tasks . This website says “an HR business partner is more of a consultant who works in human resources, building relationships and providing resources in departments throughout the organization.” https://www.bamboohr.com/hr-glossary/hr-business-partner/. I would be curious to learn more about what exactly they do.

          1. Agreed, and I suspect part of the problem is that the word “resource” is used here to mean “personnel”, which is just gross.

      3. +1 at my current company and my last company, functions/sectors had dedicated HR business partner. It’s the initial/primary all in one HR POC for a specific business area. This is not some weird thing that requires over analyzing.

        1. I think that would be a “designated primary contact.” “HR business partner” is opaque.

          1. my company uses “hr business partner” to me “this is your primary poc”. In fact, everyone has two! although your “secondary hr business partner” is usually your “primary hr business partner”‘s boss, so it’s basically “who do we escalate to”.

            No, we basically never talk to them — doesn’t imply any kind of actual work partnership

    3. Lol with that attitude, they will never be your business partner! Like many things, HR is professionalized beyond what I assume you remember from hiring. HR in my org handles weekly orientations for our enormous organization, evaluations and goal setting, counseling for career development and progress, executive coaching, benefits, etc. They are no bots. Please do not treat them like bots.

      1. Our 401ks are outsourced to a large financial company and it has to be a bot (vs a person) who sends us “your quarterly statements are ready for viewing” emails. Because in 2022, a person would know that I am not eager to view them.

        1. Honestly this attitude is super confusing. Of course your 401ks are outsourced but there is a person (or probably a whole team) in your org who handles the enrollment for 401ks, ensuring compliance on the org side, and letting the 401k company know when you are terminated. Seriously this is not the big deal you want it to be. Stop worrying about other people’s titles and figure out a way to be at least nicer to your internal team.

    5. I’ve worked in 3 Fortune 50 companies, and in each one, the HR person who supported my dept was my “HR Business Partner”.

      It’s a very common title – now why are you so pissy about it?

      1. As an English learner, I would think that it is for orgs that provide HR outsourcing to other companies. Otherwise, I’m not sure how the word “business” fits in to that concept. Like manages payroll or group insurance, things like that.

        1. It means “Your business unit’s primary HR contact / partner” – seriously, it’s not the world’s greatest name, but complaining this much about it is bizarre.

        2. Well here is a piece of learning. JTM just explained it to you. So now you know.

        3. I’m in a non-English-speaking European country, and my company also uses the title “HR Business Partner” for our internal HR contacts.

    6. Your ignorance doesn’t make this role less significant. Suggest you do some research.

      1. Yeah, it’s part of the business-speak that is designed to elevate the role of what used to be support functions above the actual business.

    8. I work very closely with my department’s HR business partner! Her role is more strategic – talent planning, skill building, helping teams set goals and objectives, etc. She sits on my department’s leadership team. This is standard in my large organization. One of my best friends also previously held this role at another large company.

      1. This is exactly right! I work in a Fortune 30 company and we have HR Business Partners and have had them for over 15 tyears.

    9. In my old F50 company, there was a large centralized home office HR function, then an HR department or single person assigned to the “business” – which was how the company described profit centers. So each Business had an HR Business Partner who was the liaison between central HR and the business.

      OP you seem to have an attitude that HR are not professionals and are not on your level, and I suggest you get over that quickly.

    10. Even tough you seem ignorant, I’ll explain. HRBPs help business area with more than just employee complaints and terminations. They partner with division/group heads (typically C-suite) on org design, comp, talent strategy, etc., and connect the business areas to the right COEs for specialized issues (termination, benefits, leaves, etc.).

    11. I mean they can be ! Like many roles, some of your business units probably use them a lot, some not much at all. In my legal department we went for a long time without needing touch points with HR, but do to a lot of turnover we have been connecting with our HR business partner to talk about this like strategic planning, succession planning, team building. I have no idea why this email makes you so upset, but it sounds very snobby? Or classist? Like if you don’t have a professional degree set up my 401k and that’s it you peasant

  3. I feel like all of the full-height boots this year are straight out of The Americans. That is a good thing (although I feel like wider-calf boots always read “urban pirate” on me vs looking chic).

    1. I have loved the full skirt with knee high boots look of the 1970s/80s since I was a wee one and saw my mom and her friends rocking the look. I think it imprinted on me. I own no such getup but would go buy one – a cabled sweater or silky blouse, a full skirt in wool plaid, and some brown knee-high boots.

      The thing we’re really missing out on is 1970s hair. When is that coming back?

      1. Oh dang I just realized that I am (unintentionally) wanting to channel this look this fall…

        1. One of my mom’s friends was stuck at least a decade behind, and always wore little zip up ankle boots with her polyester pants and matching double knit poly sleeveless mock t neck. That, plus her Naugahyde cigarette case, her drawn-on overly arched eyebrows, and her ’60s pixie with all the ends combed forward around her face made me averse to ankle boots forever.

  4. How do you go about networking within your company/organisation? I just started in a big IT consulting company and so far people have reached out to introduce themselves usually to introduce projects for which they want to staff for client projects and some introductions have come through impromptu chats over coffee e.g. “You should meet so and so, he/she also worked on XYZ…”. I have noticed that networking within is important. For instance is it okay to reach out and introduce yourself over Teams if you notice someone works within an area you have previous experience or are interested, even those more senior not just one’s peers? Or is email better? I mention Teams because it is the tool widely used in the company for staying connected, meetings basically everything involving bringing people together.
    I am coming from a career in academia, PhD followed by years as a postdoc hence this question, it is a different world from academia. Also many people work remotely, so there are definitely those where chance encounters in the company canteen may rarely happen. Suggestions and advice welcome. Thanks in advance.

    1. I am new to working in a mostly-remote company, and I’ve done something similar to what you’ve described – reaching out either by teams or email to say “Hi, I’m PERSON and just started working in THIS AREA for THIS OTHER PERSON. I understand we may overlap in the area of SUBJECT MATTER. Is there a good time for us to connect on Teams?” and then schedule a 15-30 min intro call at their convenience.

    2. This sounds a lot like my current large consulting firm! Networking is very very important! I think it takes time and working on several different projects to get to know everyone. I would send emails to people who may have a background you’re interested or working on a project you’re interested in. Also, once you reach out to one person, ask if they know of anyone else you should contact. That way you can say hi Amy. John suggested I reach out to you. Once you have worked on a few projects, maintain those connections and reach out them every few months. It gets much easier after a few months.

    3. In my company, networking is very common & strongly encouraged. When you start a new role, you do 30min meetings called “Get To Know You” meetings – basically just a time to meet with someone (normally your new teammates and key partners) one-on-one and talk about your backgrounds. And it’s not just career stuff, but also your family, hobbies, etc. After those initial meetings, it’s common to have “status meetings” with folks which are the same format. It helps to stay in touch with people, esp folks you click with. Since it’s common in my company, generally people just send calendar invites introducing themselves & suggesting a date/time.

      To build my network I did 2 things:
      * In each of my initial Get To Know You meetings, I always asked “who else should I meet with?” to get more names of people to connect with.
      * I started participating in various ERGs within my company to also connect with people, and set up Get To Know You meetings with folks that I clicked with.

  5. Has anyone bought the Cuyana cashmere wrap coat? Worth the splurge? How did you wear it – casually, or more for dressing up? TIA!

  6. Help – husband just sent me a calendar invite for an “awards dinner” on Friday with cocktail attire. Will my basic black or navy Seraphine dress + bling + red shoes be enough? If not, where should I look? (I’m 4mo pregnant and not showing a ton, but not fitting in most of my wardrobe, either.)

    3. Why red shoes? Everything else sounds good.

      I’d indulge in some sort of luxurious wrap and/or a beaded evening bag if you’re craving a little shop for the occasion.

      1. All my black ones are scruffy AF or too casual. Maybe that can be my little shop.

        1. Note to self: always have a decent pair of dress black pumps that can be pressed into service.

        2. I’m late, but I seem to remember us agreeing at some points that your red shoes were bomb

          2. It was – different red shoes though! These are closed toe and a sedate (even outdated) shape – just bright red. I figured they would be okay.

      2. Definitely not the red shoes. If needed, buy some news black ones. They never go out of style. Buy ones that are easy to walk in and if possible, account for your changing foot size.

    4. Have you announced the pregnancy? If so, that sounds fine! If not, you may want to try to wear a dress that doesn’t scream maternity (as I think most Seraphine dresses do).

    5. That sounds totally appropriate. These sorts of things have gotten way more casual over the last 15 years or so, in my experience. Have fun!

    7. Personally, I love red shoes and have far too many; IMO, the outfit sounds great.

        1. I am so sorry, but no. Especially not for evening. Especially not with a black dress. It’s not sophisticated.

    8. Buy a dress one or two sizes up, especially if you can find one with some stretch. You will appreciate having it postpartum, unless you’re magically able to fit into your prepregnancy stuff really fast.

    10. Yes, but I’d wear the black dress instead of the navy. Especially so if you will be wearing the red shoes, which sound fine to me.

      1. Late to chime in but I think it sounds great. I wore a black dress with dressy red heels when I was pregnant to a fancy wedding and got nothing but compliments.

    11. Unless you’re getting the award, it ain’t worth a new dress esp if you’re preggers. Just get by appropriately. What you describe is fine.

  7. I’m looking for a new podcast. I haven’t listened to a murder true crime podcast since the first season of Serial, so it has been a while!

    My Favorite Murder isn’t what I’m looking for because it seems not very in depth or respectful to the victims. Do you have any recommendations for a murder true crime podcast that isn’t completely breathless about the murderer? Huge plus if it takes place in a small town!

    Thank you!

    1. No podcast recs but did you watch Only Murders in the Building? It’s right up your/our alley (I was also obsessed with Serial)

    3. I really enjoyed APM’s ‘In the Dark’ – both stories, although the first one deals with the assault and murder of a child and is not easy to listen to.. and well, the second one deals with the racist and unfair imprisonment of a black man, which is also difficult to listen to. But its great journalism and production.

      2. In the Dark is really good. I’m not a true crime person (Serial is the only other true crime podcast I’ve listened to), but I liked both seasons of this one, especially as a child who grew up in Minnesota in the 80s/90s and remembers every detail of the Jacob Wetterling case. There were signs with his face up everywhere for most of my childhood.

    4. Criminal has a very “NPR does crime podcasts” – though not affiliated with NPR. Phoebe Judge has a very human take on things and it isn’t gory or glorifying of criminals.
      Bear Brook and Document are both by New Hampshire Public Radio and really well done, non-comedy/cringey crime podcasts. Bear Brook is a deep dive into a particular case, and Document has 3-4 episode arcs on different crime topics.
      IF you liked Serial season 1, did you listen to S*town? (the S is a swear word) I feel like that was billed as “the next serial” when it came out several yaers ago.

      1. Sh1ttown was so good! Started out as a true crime podcast, then morphed into something completely different.

        Bear Brook was excellent too.

        Also check out Buried Bones with Paul Holes and Kate Winkler Dawson. They talk about historical crimes so it feels more like history, and I find Paul Holes’ voice incredibly soothing. (I’ve listened to both his audiobooks on repeat, lol.)

        1. I forgot about Bear Brook! Very well done podcast. I went to Bear Brook park frequently as a kid in the summer, so that one really hit me.

      2. +1 to Criminal, it’s my favorite. Casefile is very cut-and-dried and covers a lot of non-US crimes. Southern Fried True Crime is respectful of victims. Park Predators, Paper Ghosts and Unraveled might also tick your boxes.

        1. As far as MFM goes – I don’t love their crime episodes because their research still seems really surface-level, even after all these years. Their “mini-sodes,” which are listener stories, are more my speed.

    5. I like ones with more in-depth reporting too! Some suggestions:

      Season one of Up & Vanished (there’s major progress in the case during the season, which makes it’s super interesting)

      Dirty John

      Counter Clock

      Internal Affairs

      Chameleon: Hollywood Con Queen

      S Town

      Sweet Bobby (this is a truly wild story and a quick listen)

    6. Also this isn’t murder, but I just finished Wind of Change on the recommendation of somebody here, and it was fabulous. Then I realized that the podcaster wrote a book I read and loved a while back and that was fun.

    7. There is literally a podcast called Small Town Murder. It has some dark humor so might not be everyone’s cup of tea.

    8. Deep End is an NPR podcast about a fairly recent murder in NJ that was never really solved and raised alot of murky political questions. Caveat, I grew up in the town where the murder occurred, so perhaps found it more interesting than I otherwise would have, but thought the podcast itself was well done.

    9. S*town is very good, but not a typical murder mystery. The Something About Pam podcast was pretty wild and fun to listen to. It’s very different from the other Dateline podcasts.

      1. Not murder, but Serial Productions frequently puts out long and short podcast series with NYT. They have one about a family that lost 2/3 members to COVID (and technically covid misinformation) that came out very recently which I quite enjoyed.

        If true crime is more your beat, Wondery makes a ton of true crime series. They can be hit or miss, but usually they are quite short so you can dip early.

        Also this is my totally unsolicited pitch for Maintenance Phase! It’s the best podcast out there.

    10. Father wants us dead was really good. I’m listening to season 1 of Cold right now, it was recommended here.

      1. Cold is shocking, in a “how the heck does this actually happen” way. I live in the PNW and remember when Susan Cox Powell went missing, when Steven Powell was arrested, and when Josh Powell did what he did at the end. It is all awful. The creators of Cold do a good job, better than most podcasts.

    11. MFM might not be in depth to your tastes. but you’re absolutely wrong about their respect for victims.

  8. How do you handle if your parents or ILs pay no attention to your kids – or even to you and your spouse – when you visit? It isn’t necessarily a case of they don’t like little kids or don’t know how to talk to them because frankly they’re acting like that with their own kid – DH – who is a grown man. It’s more a case of if we’re visiting for 4 days, they’ll engage with us and our kids when we first arrive, say for one lunch and a few hours after. After that they settle back into their routine and won’t look up from the TV or their phones if their 4 year old grandchild is speaking to them. Or if DH or I ask them a question or say something about our lives, they’ll respond in one sentence not even distracting themselves from social media. It’s like being with teens who haven’t been given the – no phones right now – talk.

    They’re in their 70s, so we’re not talking 90 year olds who need to rest constantly, they just simply aren’t interested DH walks away from every visit sad, and this time he really seems down. We live a six hour flight away, so going for less than 4 days with two young kids isn’t possible. If we were to say ok we’re staying in a hotel and we’ll see you for lunch on Sat. and dinner on Sunday and playground on Monday, we get HUGE guilt trips about how we think we’re better or their house isn’t good enough or we’re so into our kids why did we even visit?? Uh it’s not about being so into our kids, it’s that 4 and 6 year olds get crazed if they have nothing to do and no one will talk to them. This past weekend DH and I just ended up playing outside with our kids, taking them to a fall festival which the grandparents declined to attend with us. WWYD? To hear them talk about us though to their siblings, OMG they are SOOO involved in our lives, when in reality as each year goes by it’s clear they know less and less about us – even though we are willing to share.

    1. You accept it and only visit as often as you feel comfortable sacrificing a weekend to do.

    2. I’d build in some structure, so even if “going to see grandparents” isn’t exciting for the kids, “going to grandparents house” is?
      Can you schedule a zoo/museum/hike/beach thing each day so that you+ the kids get out of the house each day and have something to discuss with the IL’s at breakfast and dinner? If you’re required to stay at their house, you’d be doing breakfast together automatically, and toss in a restaurant/picnic style meals outside the house and away from the electronics and I think you’d have a good visit that isn’t overtaxing on them.
      I mean I struggle to keep up with my 5yr old niece and I’m in my 30s, and I can imagine elderly folk getting just exhausted by constant contact and needing an introvert break.

    3. They are going to end up with the relationship they deserve, which is to say a very superficial one. I’m sorry, OP, that sounds hard. But this is very much a “them” problem.

    4. Are they just introverts? My MIL was in town this weekend and I fear she’d write something like this about us. My husband and I are completely exhausted from her visit. She talks nonstop and we just need a lot more quiet time. I can only imagine how much worse it would be if we were the ones in our 70s and she was in her 40s! We make a real effort, but it’s truly exhausting to talk all day long. On normal weekends, we spend large portions of our days together, but doing our own thing in silence, and are perfectly happy. I don’t understand why you can’t just let them do that? It’s not like they’re going to change at this point, and 70 is very much old enough that they might really need the rest. I’m only 40 and feel that way!

      Also, I think you’ve posted this here several times now. What are you trying to get out of this endless complaining? Stop visiting if it makes you that miserable.

      2. As an introvert with and introvert DH, and an extroverted MIL, I feel this so hard. The woman just won’t stop talking it’s exhausting. Plus she wants to talk about her random neighborhood drama so I can’t even really participate, truly a one sided convo.

        1. Yes, exactly this! I’m perfectly capable of making conversation on a lot of different topics (even the weather!), but I really struggle with the nonstop monologues about people my husband and I don’t even know. I just don’t really care and have nothing to contribute. An alarming number of them involve fat shaming, which is a whole other issue- I don’t even know these people, but I know my MIL thinks they eat too much?

      3. I don’t know. I’m a STRONG introvert and I do need to take breaks when family comes to visit (work mysteriously gets busy when my in-laws visit) but I don’t ignore them completely and I definitely don’t bury myself in my phone when they’re trying to talk to me! If I need a break I excuse myself from the room, saying that I need to work or rest. Introversion isn’t an excuse for rudeness and these people just sound straight up rude.

        1. I certainly don’t do that either and I do agree that it’s quite rude. I just think that they probably genuinely do need some rest and also that she’s not going to be able to change them just because we tell her she’s justified in hating them. It is rude, but the only thing she can change is the way she deals with it. Build in more down time and schedule enough other things to keep the kids busy. Or don’t go. But don’t post the same question five times looking for a magic answer that will make them different people. There isn’t one.

          1. Yeah, I agree that she can’t change them and there’s nothing to do accept it as a price of admission or decide it’s a dealbreaker and visit them less. I just don’t think “they’re introverts” is a good explanation because plenty of people are introverted and need to build alone time into their schedule, but still manage to not be rude to visiting family members.

    5. The short answer is that you just accept people for who they are, don’t take anything personally, and you keep your expectations low. Sadly, my parents are like this and my in-laws are like this also. My parents have visited over a weekend and decided that they need to go to their gym every day, watch their shows, and spend all of their time texting jokes or whatever and basically ignoring us except during meals. While I used to be sad about it, nowadays I’m just grateful that they are healthy and happy and have social lives where they live and that they are not dependent on us. They don’t have a close relationship with my 3 kids and that’s okay. We took them to Disneyworld and they wanted to hang out by themselves at the hotel while we went theme-parking. You cannot pick your parents and they’re never going to be super grandparents and that’s okay and that’s not the end of the world.

    6. IDK but my sister, my only sibling, is like this with my kids. She has kids and I am not like that to her kids. She lost her in-law nieces and nephews in her divorce, so my children and I are her only relatives.

    7. Honestly stop beating your head against the wall. Don’t go or go and stay I a hotel.

    8. Just don’t visit. Have them come to you (and then you go about your lives and they can tag along if they want, or chill at the hotel if they want) or meet somewhere in the middle so you don’t have the house vs. hotel debate. Plus if you meet in a third location you can go do fun sightseeing things together or, if they really don’t want to come, you just seem like you’re sightseeing and not ditching/ignoring them.

    9. Maybe they’ll be more interested when the kids are older. Little kids aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, even grandparents.

    10. My IL were like this and now they have passed away. I wish I had spent less time feeling resentful and more time accepting that this was who they were, and that it was not a reflection on how much they loved us and their grandchildren.
      I think 4 and 6 year olds can realize that Grandma and Grandpa love them and their love looks differently than mom or dad’s love or their other grandparent’s love. Do not message your disappointment to your kids. My daughter remembers the one time grandma and grandpa took her to the zoo and that she was loved. She does not remember their crippling anxiety or reluctance to leave the house or penchant for watching Fox News.
      If having everyone in the same house is what gives your ILs joy, however unexpressed, lean into that. Have some toys at their house that the kids can play with, take the kids to fun things with or without grandparents, rent movies to watch together…
      I would maybe suggest therapy for your husband to reconcile his disappointment into acceptance.

    11. I don’t think there’s an answer besides just accepting them for who they are and the ways they show love. I think kids are good at that. My grandfather hardly said a word to anyone–just sat at the kitchen table doing crosswords and watching 24-hour news. But he also went to the grocery store before I visited my grandparents and bought me ALL the junk food my mom never kept in the house. I knew intuitively that that was his way of expressing love and excitement for my visit.

      We have a similar dynamic with DH’s father, who is local. Often when he comes by for a visit, he wants to talk to me or DH on a level that’s too boring and/or too mature for our kid to be able to participate in the conversation. So, our kid gets amped up because the visit is exciting, but then nobody is paying attention to him, and what he can understand from the conversation makes him anxious. We try to redirect the conversation, but it’s not easy, and shutting it down hard leads to hurt feelings. And DH’s father thinks we spoil and cater to our kid too much, so we also get to deal with a dose of judgment if we try to keep a conversation that the kid is ostensibly a part of age appropriate.

    12. This honestly kind of sounds like my mom now, but I know she loves us and her grandchildren dearly. She just doesn’t like to play with kids the way my MIL does and doesn’t really like to go to kid activities lol. She likes to watch her news shows and chat/gossip with her friends. She LOVES for us to go stay with her even though she spends all of the time except during meals watching her shows and talking with her friends lol. I have just accepted it. I can sometimes get her to come for a walk with me and the kids or to see a movie. My kids like going to visit her because she always has treats for them. People, especially older people, are who they are. Sometimes if the relationship is important, we just have to meet them where they are.

  9. Why don’t most shoe companies make size 10.5 Wide?? I was a 10 M for my entire adult life but my feet grew just a bit (both length and width) when I was pregnant, and now I can’t find anything business-appropriate that fits at all. The Rothys driver mocs in an 11 are OK, but I keep striking out with nicer work shoes. Any suggestions?

    1. Very similar shoe size here. Half sizes usually stop at 9.5. Have you tried EU sizing? Sometimes an EU 41 or 42 will fit me in standard width. Admittedly I have problematic feet, but the Rieker and Pikkolino brands pretty much alway work for me in standard width. I think a EU 40 is a pretty solid US 9, bhr the 41 and 42 don’t fall squarely into US size categories, even though the charts make it look like they do.

    3. I am a 10.5 and it is the worst. Most brands don’t make that size. Nordstrom will stretch shoes but it has mixed results. If you’re recently postpartum there is a small chance that your feet can shrink back. I sincerely hope that for you.

    4. I HATE that women’s shoe companies often don’t make any different widths! Whereas any slightly upscale men’s shoe company automatically makes them, and they’ll often do things like tell you which last (model) the shoe is built on so you can order ones that you know fit.

      1. Up until about 5 years ago several manufacturers did offer both narrow and wide widths for women. Now narrow shoes are virtually impossible to find, and when you do find them they are either $400 Stuart Weitzmans or frumpy Naturalizers. I suppose that it was some sort of domino effect. If your competition isn’t producing narrow and wide widths, then you don’t have to either because women won’t have any alternative but to buy your ill-fitting medium-width shoes.

    7. Fellow big foot sister here. Casual shoes are easy, because I wear mens, but others are limited and expensive.

    8. I’m happy to see so many other 10.5 folks on this thread :). I will say Rockport makes wides up to 11 but prob not 10.5. Many times I wish I could just walk into a shoe store!

    1. No but I read the linked article and that just seems so typical to me. I don’t know why Ds keep playing by the rules when Rs DGAF about them.

  11. IDK if anyone here is interested in Rolex or similar watches. Was considering getting one for a milestone gift to myself. Question – if there’s a particular one that you want with exact specifications, is it ever possible to order THAT one? I feel like when you go to jewelers or even to Rolex company owned stores in NYC or wherever, they may or may not have that exact one and then try to sell you on others that are nice but not the exact specs you had in mind. As someone who doesn’t buy pricey things all the time, I feel like I wouldn’t want to buy one on a whim just because that’s what was in stock only to regret it down the road. I realize there have been shortages and delays with these types of goods but I’m really in no rush. I feel like I’d have no problem ordering one even if that means it comes next summer. Any idea where or how to do this?

    I live in DC but go up to NYC periodically so am happy to buy it there as well.

    1. so no personal experience but many stores will hold limited edition or other ‘special’ type watches for loyal customers – depending on which model you want obviously YMMV on that.

    2. DH and I bought them as a milestone anniversary present to each other. Much like engagement rings, I was surprised by how much certain ‘classic’ watches just didn’t look good on my wrist. I would go to a big luxury jewelry store (Tourneau would be my pick and there’s one in DC) and make an appointment. Tell the salesperson your rough budget (including if you’re willing to do a pre-owned piece) and have them walk you around to some different brands. I find that I get MUCH better service on a weekday, ideally on a Monday or towards the end of the month (they want to make their goals). In case you care about resale, Rolexes and Cartiers tend to hold value better. If you have a good, high end local jeweler, you may also want to stop there, our small estate jeweler specializes in watches and has pretty impressive collection of unique vintage pieces.

    3. Yes, you can order specific models if you know what you want, but stores may have a hard time getting them. My husband is a watch aficionado and per him, there are a lot of models that are just impossible to get right now because of long queues, production problems, etc. Not sure if that applies to women’s watches as well as men’s, though. There is some watch forum husband frequents that would probably have good advice on how to find what you’re looking for; I will ask him what it is tonight and report back.

    4. Since you live in DC, have you gone to Tiny Jewel Box? They have a large selection of fine watches. I recommend going there and trying on a bunch. They have excellent customer service and likely would be happy to help you order exactly what you want.

    5. A Rolex dealer may not have the exact model you want, but can often work with other dealers to get the exact model.

    6. If it’s about any brand except Rolex (and to a lesser extent Tudor), you should be able to find the watch you want without a lot of trouble as long as you go to an authorized dealer for that brand. You might even be able to get a discount on these other brands. If it’s a Rolex, the wait for those could be weeks, months, or years, depending upon the model and your relationship with the authorized dealer. Some women’s watches may be easier to get faster, however. If you REALLY want that Rolex watch soon, you can buy it from a “gray market” dealer, but you will pay a hefty premium. There are a bunch of fake watch sellers out there, so if you go the gray market route, absolutely make sure they are a trustworthy source before paying any money.

    7. Not sure if this is still the case, but when I bought a Rolex last year, there was a long waiting list nationwide for the exact watch I wanted (submariner).

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