Tuesday’s TPS Report: Back Zip Ponte Sheath Dress

208 Comments

1. @Hollis – I just read your request for swimsuit recommendations. Just last week I learned about Cabana Life:
   http://www.cabanalife.com/women/rashguards

   They had a 48 hour sitewide 50% off flash sale for labor day. They have really nice rash guards, tankinis and coverups for women. And they also have really cute stuff for kids.

   I ended up getting a one-piece for $10. And if you sign up for their newsletter, you’ll get 20% off your first purchase.

   1. Thanks a lot! I am still looking for a decent suit so I’ll definitely check out cabanalife. Thanks for the follow-up suggestion.

2. It says two way full length exposed zipper as a bullet point in the details.

   1. Kat – reading is FUNdamental.

      1. This comment makes me uncomfortable. You may have meant it in jest, but it comes across as mean and childish (I’m not Kat, BTW).

   2. I was struggling with that to describe it — I meant that it isn’t a garish exposed gold zipper against a black dress or something. Technically it is an exposed zipper but not the kind that we all complain about here.

      But, noted for the future.

3. After years in super casual California law firms where there was usually at least one person in jeans every single day, I’m now in a different region of the country at a firm that is “business” Monday through Thursday and “business casual” (emphatically no jeans!!) on Friday. Do I have to buy a whole bunch of new suits or are (non-matching) sheath dress + blazer combos ok? There are no other female associates and all the male associates wear suits, but I feel like there is no male equivalent of a sheath dress and blazer. Partners, including female partners, seem to be a mix of suits and more business casual-type clothes such as cardigans + trousers but I don’t want people to think I’m being presumptuous by dressing like a partner.

   1. I would stick to blazers but I think you’re probably ok Mon-Thursday with blazers and dresses or even a blazer over non-matching bottoms. I would probably stay away from cardigans during the week though.

   2. My office is “business attire” and business casual on Friday. HR explained to me on my first day that it meant I could wear pants and a coordinating blazer (or a nice dress or sleeveless dress/blazer combo), but that cardigans were for Fridays only.

      Business formal days–like special events–is full suit.

   3. There is no simpel answer to your question. First, you should look at others your age– if you are a partner, you will have to look at other partner’s. If you are an associate, look to age appropriate associate’s. Next, make sure you do not dress inapropriately for your body type. You say you are in another section of the USA. I have found that peeople dress different in NYC from Pittseburg, OR ST. Louis. Women partner’s are expected to be very fashioneable in NYC, but are downright dowdy elsewhere. I supose that is b/c the women who are partner’s do NOT care that much for the men and do NOT have to impress men to get date’s in those other places. In NYC, unless you are VERY fashioneable, men will NOT look at you, let alone date you.

      Also, dress comensurate with your body type, and do NOT get a tuchus, like I did. Work out and do NOT sit all day, or your cabooze will give you problem’s getting and keeping men. FOOEY!

      Fineally, If you are lookeing to get MARRIED, like I am, you simpley can NOT afford NOT to look good. If you are already married, then you can be sloppey and get away with it, but even there, be carful, b/c if you get divorced, no man is goeing to look at an older sloppey women, even if she has maintained her wieght.

      If you follow these simpel rules, you should be abel to navigate the world of law firm dress, while at the same time, land and keep a HUSBAND. That is what I am trying to do, and hope to do this year. YAY!!!!!

   4. I think non-matching blazers are fine if the male associates take the jackets off in the office. If everyone is walking around with their jackets buttoned in the hallway, then you might want more suits. Otherwise, I would still throw a few suits in there so that you are also wearing a suit some of the time (1-2 days/week).

      1. +1 I think this sounds perfect

      2. This is a great metric.

4. i’m hosting a party in about a month for ~15 people (including me) at my home. It’s to celebrate a dear friend’s somewhat milestone birthday but also an excuse for a group of people that doesn’t really see each other anymore to get together.

   1. Is this too big to be a sit-down dinner party? IF NO: what are some good dinner ideas?

   2. IF YES, I still want to serve dinner. What’s a good buffet style meal?

   3. I want to do a make-your-own drink bar. Given that it will be mid-fall, what’s a good drink station to set up? If this were summer, I’d do DIY margaritas; if brunch, DIY mimosas.

   Friend is a bourbon/whiskey person if it matters, but i’m open to all ideas.

   1. I was at a restaurant last week that had a “fall sangria” on the menu, made with apple cider, bourbon, wine, and cinnamon. It was really good! A few pitchers of that could be a nice fall cocktail for a crowd. I think you also can’t go wrong with an assortment of wine and beer though. It’s easy and people can easily serve themselves.

      1. I really like that idea. will troll the internet for recipes later today!

   2. As to the bar, what about a make your own old fashioned bar with lemon and orange rinds (like in those fancy little swirls), a few kinds of bitters, a fancy turbinado sugar and white sugar, club soda, and then maybe a few things for people who might like their cocktails a little sweeter/weaker (I’ve seen variations with splashes of cranberry juice, etc.). I think that would be the perfect mid-fall cocktail.

      In terms of sit-down dinner, are you going to have assistance cooking and do you have table seating for 15 people, or is this a balance your plates on your knees type of thing? My favorite buffet style meal is gumbo (big pot of gumbo, big pot of rice, crackers and scallions to top with, savory salad with shrimp on the side), but I’m from the South.

      1. I can seat 15 if needed (Dining room table + folding table with big table cloth over it). I have a technically-12-but-can-stretch-to-18 place settings as well. If I do the buffet approach, I’d set 2-4 separate tables and rather than mess with ONE BIG TABLE.

         We aren’t really entertainers but I do host family holiday meals so know they can all fit.

         I will not really have help cooking, but could cater (or selectively cater– ie get sides made and pick up).

         1. Cooking for that many people by yourself, I would maybe cater out the protein as ribs or BBQ that people could assemble themselves and then whip up a fancy salad and roast a bunch of brussel sprouts. Alternatively, you could make a giant pan of lasagna since the prep can be done ahead of time and then just popped in the oven. For something a little fancier, look up Ina Garten recipes. Her recipes are usually pretty simple and I know she has a ton of dinner party-specific recipes where a lot of the prep is done ahead of time.

   3. Cider + whiskey with cinnamon sticks, slices of apple, and star anise for presentation. Alternately, there are a ton of great fall punch recipes. And unless you hire someone to serve, with 15 you certainly can throw a sit-down dinner, but you yourself will not sit down at all.

   4. I like the idea of doing a modified “bottle service” setup with just the basic mixers: cranberry juice, tonic, club soda, coke, lemons and limes.

   5. 15 isn’t impossible but would be challenging for a seated dinner. You could do a selection of appetizers and get pretty fancy. That would also go well with a make your own martini bar.

   6. I think a sit down meal would be lovely if you can swing it. Depending on your group, you could do either lasagna, a bunch of baked honey dijon chicken, or smitten kitchen’s crunchy porkchop.

      I’d do a make your own martini bar, simply because it’d be easier. Vodka, gin, vermouth, olives of various types, lemon/lime twists.

   7. My mom loves to entertain and does groups of ~15 regularly. She doesn’t usually have help cooking, unless I go or someone else close and even then it’s more last minute help stuff. I think her secret is to make most of the stuff ahead of time so that there’s not a whole lot to do last minute other than warm and serve. Stuff she tends to serve: salads that can be made ahead (and that usually taste better that way), a mix of veggie tarts/tartlets that are good at room temp. and can be made night before/that morning, various little nibbles, lots of good bread, 1-2 mains that are of the slow roast variety (one is usually a beef stew of some kind, other is often pork or lamb that can be braised in the oven for a long time), some easy side like oven roasted rosemary potatoes and some easy dessert that she either made ahead or bought from a nice bakery.

   8. I think doing a seated dinner sounds fun! I agree you could do a slow roast entree and another that’s easy to cook, or just do one big thing that’s easy to pull together – like spaghetti and meatballs, or 2 roast chickens (if everyone eats meat). Have fun!!

      1. Roast chicken is nice but for 15 people you will need at least 4 chickens.

   9. We have a family member who hosts great parties for 15-30 people. She does all the cooking herself, but she hires someone day-of to help pour drinks at the beginning, serve dinner, collect stray wine glasses, and clean up. If you have the $$ to do that (which I don’t), I think it’s genius. Also, she always hires the same person, so the whole family knows him now, and he knows where everything is in the kitchen, etc.

   10. This is totally doable as a sit-down. If you’ve ever hosted a holiday dinner, this is likely just a difference in the size of what you’re cooking, not the complexity.

       Make some sort of roast or turkey. Have most of your sides as things you can prepare ahead of time; something hot (lasagne, a potato dish, fancy baked mac & cheese — anything that can be prepped a day or two before and popped in the oven), a salad, maybe any easy vegetable like green beans. As long as you’re comfortable cooking, this is all about planning recipes that allow you to do most of the prep before hand. Martha Stewart & epicurious both have recipes that can help with this.

       For the day of, make yourself a detailed schedule (eg, 5 pm roast into oven, 6 pm lasagne in oven, 6:15 start boiling water for green beans, etc).

   11. I’m probably way too late to comment, but there’s a drink that I think would be perfect for a fall party called a lion’s tail made with bourbon and allspice liqueur. It’s delicious! Could be a fun signature c*cktail for the party.

5. Emerging from the shadows to ask: is anyone else as heartbroken that Redzepi’s Noma, rated the best restaurant in the world basically since it opened, is moving, completely tossing out its menu, and changing its entire format? My dream of eating The Snowman will never be realized now…

   1. I do know how you feel. Apparently he’s not closing/moving till NYE 16, so you still could go. I’m going to try (but then again, I live in a neighbouring country).

   2. The website’s reservation page says they are moving back to Copenhagen in May of 2016. Are they keeping the new format when they move back or will they be reverting to the old one?

   3. I think it got bumped to the #2 restaurant this year. But yes. I tried to get reservations there once… nearly impossible then and I doubt this announcement is going to make it any easier. The winter being spent in another location is not new, they were in Tokyo last winter. And it sounds like the new Noma will be just as good and probably better!

6. I have washed numerous leather gloves, or items with leather trim, in water (hand wash). None have ever shown any damage, and if they ever seem to be drying out you can put on some leather lotion.

   1. There’s leather detergent you can buy that works pretty well.

7. A few weeks ago, someone shared a webs!te that sold great boots and booties that I had never heard of before. I favorite the s!te, then my computer promptly died and had to be shipped off, with my favorites never to be seen again. The boots were at a decent price point (about 150). Any ideas? I tried searching for the site, but I am having no luck finding it again. Thanks

   1. This was what I wrote where I keep helpful notes. Maybe it was this:

      La Botte Gardiane are a traditional maker of riding boots for the cowboys (‘gardiane’) of the Camargue region near Arles. Everything is made in their own factory (can take special orders for hard-to-fit sizes) and the quality is superb, especially of the more-traditional styles with stitched soles.

8. I am in desperate need of some outside perspective and advice. I feel like I am stuck in some kind of “early 30ies and no idea where my life is going” crisis. I am in the last stages of finishing my PhD and all I have done over the last ten years is study and work really hard academically. Now I don’t know where to go, what to do, and feel like I wasted the last five years of my life. I always wanted to stay in academia, but the insecurities that go along with it are taking their toll. I am increasingly filled with envy looking at everyone else’s life around me – my friends who started working as lawyers right out of law school often enjoy their work, see purpose in what they are doing, get a good salary and enjoy financial security and the lifestyle that comes with it. I on the other hand work more than a lot of them, earn way less, and have no idea what to ultimately do with my life. I am wondering whether I should just quit academia. But it kills me to give up that part of my life I have worked for for so long. Additionally, I am suffering from extremely bad baby fever. I have always wanted a large family and wish there was a way for me to have three or even four children. I really want to start trying now as time is not on my side (esp. since there might be some PCO issues, so I am worried about that as well). I have been with my SO for 1.5 years now. SO wants kids as well, but doesn’t feel we are ready (of course a big point of contention, but objectively not unreasonable of him) – and my crisis mood is not helping at all. Apart from (or in addition to) getting professional help – can anyone relate and give me some insights in how you have dealt with something similar? I just feel so lost and alone in this.

   1. I can’t comment on your career plans but will say that as a lawyer who enjoys her work and makes a nice living like your friends, I am always envious of my friends who are doctors or in academia etc. The grass is always greener!!

      re: PCOS, it is treatable and/or depending on severity and type may not even need to be treated. I just got diagnosed when I went off the pill and my period were all out of whack, literally got pregnant without intervention the same month I got diagnosed. you won’t know until you try but don’t be too down about it – the vast majority of women with PCOS conceive, wtih or without help. when it comes time for you, I strongly recommend OPKs from the very beginning.

      1. +1 to “grass is greener” envy. So common.

      2. @Anon 10:07am, I am curious as to what you envy about those who are in academia or doctors?

         To @feeling lost: I have a PhD in science and I would recommend the book “So what are you going to do with that?” by Susan Basalla and Maggie Debellius to help you figure out your career path. It takes time so don’t think that you will know overnight. With regards to feeling like you have wasted your life. I feel the same way too but mostly because of the stress the PhD put on me, I suffered alot of anxiety and depression at the end although not all of it was work related. I was also living far away from my family so I regret the time I have spent away from them. I also did not have a very good social support system. I have managed to recover slowly and now I feel like a better version of myself.

         With regards to leaving academia, I know that for me I don’t want to be a professor ever. So one day I will leave research to do something else even though I am not quite sure what yet. Some of these things also have to do with what opportunities are available to someone. With regards to having kids, after observing the women who are Professors or at the Postdoctoral stage I have come to the conclusion that the ideal number is one, two at most. Just based on the time required to do your work and the time you need to spend with your children. Honestly I think if you want more than that you should probably leave academia. This is just my opinion so others may say something different.

         1. I’m not anon at 10:07, but at least as an undergrad, being a (tenured) professor in the humanities seemed like it would be a dream — freedom to pursue your own interests, a seemingly more flexible schedule, teaching, etc. I didn’t see the politics of it, of course, and I ultimately didn’t pursue it because I didn’t want to take a long road that didn’t promise much security at the end of it.

            I never seriously considered medicine because I’m squeamish. If I could have gotten over that, I have wondered if I would have been better suited to medicine than law, or at least the kind of law I practice now. I seem to like to be more people-oriented, so I might have enjoyed family practice, for example.

         2. My mom is a professor and always felt like I had the best of both worlds- a mom that worked full time & brought home the bacon & was a huge inspiration and a mom who was always available to pick us up from school, be there in the afternoons, spend time in the summer with us.
            I think this is what I always found appealing about academia.
            I know you say you “work harder” but to us lawyers, it doesn’t feel that way (everyone always think they work the hardest!). I am often at the office 12 hrs a day and on the weekends and someone else’s beck & call. My husband is as well. When I see my friends in academia, I am jealous of the flexibility they have in terms of planning out when they work.
            Also, at the beginning when I started working, I was jealous of the non-debt they were in & the stipends they received for doing something they were passionate about. As time has gone on, and our finances have stabilized– I am very happy about how much money I make and I do think that is 1 thing that is a positive of working for a corporation (btw not all lawyers make the big bucks!).
            As for kids- in the regular corporate world, having kids is daunting. The hrs are crazy (see above) and childcare is insanely expensive (I make 6 figures and it is going to wipe out most of my paycheck in my HCOLA). I then remind myself that people have happy families on a lot less and a lot of it is just figuring it out as you go along, as well as prioritizing what is truly important.
            As for the feeling lost- I think everyone feels like this at times of change in their lives. It took me a couple of years post law school to find my footing & a job I liked… and 5 years later, I finally feel happy and comfortable. You’ll get there too.

   2. I could have written this post! A lot of people our age feel like this. Throughout formal education there is always a clear goal. Go to college, take the LSAT, get into law school, graduate, take and pass the bar, and find a job. Once your are done or at least looking for a job there are no more clear targets. I’m sure it is similar for those not in law. It’s just figuring out what makes you happy. Try to remember why you entered your field and what you hoped to get out of it. Where do you see yourself in 5, 10 years? It doesn’t have to be specific, but just a general idea. What do you enjoy doing? You can’t map everything out. I know it’s incredibly difficult, but try to relax and focus on what would make you happy professionally. I mean really happy not what you are supposed to do. As far as the personal, not my area of expertise!

   3. Hug’s to you. Rest asured, there are alot more peeople out there JUST like you, even lawyer’s like me, and I have no SO either. FOOEY!

      But rest asured, thing’s will work out. First, forget about lawyer’s being so happy. We are NOT. We are just like other peeople trying to get through thing’s, just like you. You should stick with what you are doeing and just try to adjust to your emotion’s a bit more.

      As to the need for kid’s, I am hearing you loud and clear, as I to am in this situeation, with men who do NOT want to comitt, but do want to make whoopie every day. If your SO is serius, you tell him that your egg’s are NOT getting any fresher and that you need to get MARRIED now so that your kid’s can have both parent’s careing for them. If you do NOT marry him now, he will probabley bolt later even if you do have kid’s together. You do NOT want to have that situeation. While you are still fertile and pretty, MARRY him. That way, you have some insurance if he later does stray (as most men do). FOOEY on men that stray!

      But on the positive side, you have SO much positive to look foward to. Be thankful you have a degree and an SO who seem’s to care. So many men are just in it for the moment, very anxius to please until after they are done huffeing and puffeing and then they roll off you and out of your life. That is my story, but your’s is so much more promiseing. Be happy and healthy and you will be inscribed for a great year! YAY!!!

   4. I could have written your post 1.5 years ago (except I had some kids while still on the academic path). The brutally honest answer *in my case* is that the pain of leaving academia and essentially throwing my years of accomplishments down the drain was significant. It was, however, far outweighed by the better quality of life I have in the corporate world. I have job security, I never worry about feeding my kids and paying the mortgage, I work 9-5 hours so I can spend quality time with them. My friends who stayed in academia are far more miserable, and I suspect will follow my path within the next 5 years (except for a few exceptionally lucky men with either no families or stay at home partners). Academia is not a good place to make a career right now, and very much not a good place for a woman who hopes to have a normal family life. Awful to say, but true.

      I still occasionally cry in the middle of the night at the thought that the work I was doing then (in an STEM field) was really important, and I was so good at it, and I could have really made a difference. And I loved it. What I do now is push papers, which is pleasant enough, but not intellectually satisfying or socially prestigious. Then I suck it up and remind myself that no one is entitled to a job that is perfect in every way, and that I have made a set of choices that optimizes my situation for the imperfect world we live in. And I pull on my suit, kiss my lovely kids, and head to work the next morning.

      1. Thank you for sharing your experience! I am wondering if this is what I should do and at what point staying in academia just because of the work I put in already is just gonna make me more miserable.

         1. (same “anon for this” as above)

            The best advice I have for you is to be broad with your job search, when the time comes. Remember, you can always turn down an offer that doesn’t work for you. So it’s in your best interest to apply for EVERY type of job that you might remotely be qualified for. Corporate, government, academic… any position that hires your type of degree. Go to the interviews, give it your best shot, and hopefully at the end of the day you’ll end up with a few offers to compare. Then sit down, think deeply, and weigh all aspects of the offer (time, money, work content, location, benefits, career progression, etc). And pick what maximizes your overall happiness. The big trick of academia is maximizing along a single axis (intellectually stimulating work), when often most other aspects of the job (hours, pay, stability, etc) are not great.

            TL;DR version: You shouldn’t decide what path your career will follow until you have offers in hand. Go into your search with an open mind.

      2. “I still occasionally cry in the middle of the night at the thought that the work I was doing then (in an STEM field) was really important, and I was so good at it, and I could have really made a difference.”

         @Anon for this: I wonder whether some of the crying is maybe that you don’t enjoy the job you do now as much? If so please find a way of making a change. As for a job being socially prestigious I personally have never thought that was important. You can be in a prestigious job and be miserable. If you like the work you do then don’t worry about what others think.

   5. I think there is a lot of insight in all of your comments – thank you a lot! I think what I struggle most with is that I had a naive vision of how things could work out for me. But since getting to where I am now took a few years longer (spent doing great things, but still) than I had expected, it is now becoming horribly clear to me that I will have to make a choice. To do what most of my male and female friends did (leaning in for a couple of years, saving up and then starting families) is just not possible for me anymore. I know PCOS is treatable, but I don’t want to wait for too long (esp. since I would just love to have the opportunity to have more than one or two kids). I realize this is common and everyone has to choose, but it is hitting me much harder than I thought. I don’t really know how to regroup and relax when I feel like I have already made a number of sacrifices. I am currently so overworked and pessimistic, I lack the strength to pull myself out of these spiraling thoughts.

      1. Your original comment asked for responses about what you could do instead of or alongside professional help, but I want to emphasize that one of my cues that, “Yeah, I need to go back to my therapist for a few sessions,” is having those spiraling thoughts. Therapy really helps me break out of them more quickly.

         Or, like anon for this at 10:12a, I try to kindly tell myself that I made these choices because they provide me with XYZ benefits, which *right now* I value more than the ABC benefits I perceive would come from a different job. I can make different choices in the future if I want, even if the options at that point have changed.

         1. A prerequisite to being in a PhD program should be having a good therapist!

            Please find a trained objective observer who can help sort through some of these issues (kids, how many, when, academia, career, etc.). It can make a HUGE difference to lay out the issues to an impartial observer. She/ he won’t tell you what to do, but will listen while you draw your own conclusions.

            Regarding kids: I have many academic friends who have TWO. Our mentors (one generation older) seem to believe this is career suicide, and that the ideal number is ONE. I know a male professor with FIVE children – I believe his wife and extended family do much of the childcare. I don’t know any women in academia with more than two children. See Mary Ann Mason’s study “Do Babies Matter?” [answer is, of course, yes] as well as Professor Mommy: Finding Work-Family Balance in Academia for thoughtful explications of these questions.

            1. Thanks for the suggestions, I will certainly look at the books! I know two women with more than two children (the rest none to two, indeed), but admittedly I think their husbands are taking on more than 50 percent of the child rearing (plus, I think at least one started her family while she was very young). And I second your first comment – I would have never thought that getting a PhD would be that hard.

   6. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. What are you SO’s thoughts on number of children? I’m not saying this should be used as a way to pressure him, but if he does not, biologically, realize that you both may not be able to have the 3-4 kids unless you start very soon, that’s probably something you should talk about.

      Otherwise, would you be able to deal with having only two kids? I also want a large family (at least 3) but in reality– if we started TTC and had fertility issues and only ended up with 2, or even 1, that would be OK. The most important thing to us is having kids at all. I’m not saying give up your hopes of having a large family (who knows what your fertility looks like?) but also don’t give up on everything, even if you might end up needing to compromise.

      1. You are absolutely right. Yes, I have thought about this many times, long and hard, and I would be very happy having 2 children (or 1 for that matter). This might depend on how our fertility turns out to be or how exhausted we are with 1 or 2 or a number of other factors (I don’t intend on adding more only because I have always dreamed of a large family). But the one thing I really, really don’t want to do is wait another 3-5 years and then realize that I might have been able to have more if only we had started earlier (and since you will never be able to know, there will always be the What if in my head). I am the oldest of seven kids and love my siblings to death. I have helped raise the younger ones, so I have an idea of what it is like.
         Regarding my SO: He has always imagined having 2, but would be on board for 3 or even 4 (if everything else is fine). We have talked about this (too) many times and he knows that depending on fertility, recovery from birth, etc. we should start soon. But since i have been so miserable for a while, he wants us to be in a good place first (this is the only reason for him wanting to wait – which I truely believe). But since I am working all day every day plus feeling lousy during the little time I am not, this to me feels like a vicious cycle because feeling like time is running out is part of the reason I am unhappy.

   7. Yep! I felt this way during the last year of my dissertation writing and the first year of post-PhD employment (in a job that wasn’t ideal). With so much riding on finishing, it’s really disorienting to wake up, be done, and not be standing where you thought you’d be (let alone with much less money than your non-PhD peers). I will say that three years later I’m in a completely different world – in a pretty great job, in a pretty great role, spending my time how I want to (combo research/policy/admin), and now can definitively say I wouldn’t have gotten here by any other path.

      Cut yourself some slack. Finishing your PhD and the period immediately after it is ROUGH. Drink wine, exercise, hang out with friends, and apply for everything and anything that looks remotely interesting. I can’t advise on leaving academia because I was pretty sure I never wanted to stay in it in the first place, but can say that the process of applying to 50+ jobs over the course of a year taught me more about what I wanted and what kind of environment I wanted to be in than just about anything. Have patience, and start building the life you want to live in whatever way you can.

   8. Here to say you are not alone. I’m 29 and am at a very obvious crossroad. I can stay in the major city I currently live in and continue to very very slowly build my career, or I can move to a very minor “city” / town and throw away (in my mind) the network and career trajectory I’ve been cobbling together for the last six or so years.

   9. My husband finished his PhD 2.years ago and just finished a two-year Post-doc fellowship. He is official faculty now. He dealt with all of these same feelings (minus the baby fever–we have a toddler and one on the way). It was rough. He decided to give himself a specific post-PhD timeline to do job searching and try out academia and then look to industry (based on advice from mentor).

      2 years after his defense, he is happy and fulfilled—having gotten over the burnout. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there

   10. So, I’m a “friend who started working as a lawyer right out of law school” and I feel exactly the same way that you do about my friends who started their lives right out of high school or right after undergrad. I used to look at people my age (29) who already have 1 to 3 children and own a house in our HCOL area and couldn’t understand how they could afford that when I am at least 5 years away from that despite my high salary. I ultimately realized that they’d had a 4-8 year head start (and lower or no student loans – damn law school loans!) so I don’t need to freak out because I’ll get there. And you’ll get there too, whether you continue with academia or decide the change horses. Life is long, and dedicating your life to academia is a great way to spend 10 years. Of course, for women, the biological clock can skew our thinking, but at age 30, you really still have plenty of time.

       1. If only I felt like I was gonna be making a salary that will allow me not even to catch up but to just get where they were a year after graduation. I won’t even make what they made when they started (not even comparing what they are making now). There are many positive things about what I have done (that I often tend to not see), but it just crushes me to see that I will probably never earn enough to get a nicer place or buy a car within the next 5 years (esp. when adding kids to the mix). I probably should really try to see the larger picture and focus on why I chose the path I am on, but at this point I am just wondering whether I need to “settle” and try to get the type of job I could have gotten instead of a phd. But at the same time, I am not sure if this is not just me being massively overworked (and still not entirely done, so some miserable weeks are still ahead of me).

          1. I’m a young lawyer who struggled mightily to find a good job. I finally did, but after 3 years of law school and 3 years of busting my butt for sometimes severely under market pay. My career looks super ideal and glamorous now but it was a very difficult road to get there and the trade off for this salary is a significant hit to quality of life. And also, loans! I’ve been where you are (not in academia, but struggling) and it’s really easy to idealize other people’s paths (basic grass is greener syndrome), but I urge you to try to break that thought pattern. They have some things you don’t have right now (security, a path, a salary)- but that’s just the highlight reel- there is probably a lot of unpleasantness that comes along for the ride. I make six figures but have dramatically negative net worth and feel as far away from some of my goals as you do- home ownership seems out of reach, I have no SO, a family seems unattainable or at best years away. They may not be as far “ahead” as you think they are. There are a lot of years ahead of us- 3 year gaps in graduation dates won’t matter in the long run.

             You will only torment yourself with envy and guilt thinking that there was a magic path you could have taken that would give you these good things with no trade offs. What I would try to take away from your feelings about your friends is to observe what aspects of their careers appeal to you- stability, et al, and keep that in mind when you’re shaping your career path.

          2. They might not be making as much as you think.
             -Signed, a 2013 grad who started as a lawyer at less than 50k with no bonus structure, as did a number of my classmates. We are also drowning in student loans. [I’m happy with my job and my choices, but also wish people would stop telling me how much money they’re sure I’m making].

   11. Getting a PhD was more stressful than dealing with a loved one’s near fatal health situation for me. It’s hard hard hard. Do cut yourself some slack. Academia breeds the notion that it offers a superior life, but there’s a whole world out there. I’ll also say though that I was told I would never regret finishing the degree, no matter what I ended up doing. To your other point: I’m now tt faculty, and the flexibility of that position can be so helpful when it comes to raising kids. I do think the only way one can survive in academia is by maintaining a lot of skepticism about its own self-adulation.

9. Sorry for such a long post, but FH and I have been making too many decisions recently regarding our wedding (1 month!) and are in inspiration/decision-paralysis with this one…

   We are having such a hard time deciding what to give to both of our parents as a thank you gift for our wedding. They’ve both been very generous, financially and otherwise, and we want to thank them adequately. Budget is $200.

   We would prefer to do a joint gift for each (both are still together), and want it to be meaningful, but neither set has one really standout hobby/interest that seems relevant. No liquor (FH and his dad are huge scotch drinkers but he gets a nice bottle for his dad for basically every holiday, and neither of our mothers would appreciate liquor as a gift). Wine maybe isn’t completely out, but just seems… off, as an idea.

   So basically, “something meaningful” needs to be something that would generally be meaningful from a child to their parents. The closest we’ve come it something engraved/personalized, but we haven’t had any luck with specifics there. Something silver? A platter? That seems kind of weird. Any sort of frame/anything having to do with photos of any sort is out, I think, explained below…

   We want to give a really nice, large framed photo of one of our more traditional couple wedding shots to each set of parents, plus potentially have a photo book made with many of the photos from the day. Obviously this would potentially be 2 months after the wedding. The $200 budget does not include this stuff.

   We still want to be able to present them each with something the weekend of the wedding, as a token of appreciation. Maybe, after explaining the previous paragraph, it doesn’t need to be as much as $200. We even thought about trying to do a card plus something that would imply “don’t purchase any prints, we want to give you some nice photos when they’re ready!” but that seemed cheesy—and I don’t know that his parents would “get” that as much as my parents would. Or like an nice, empty frame to be filled later….gah. As you can see we desperately need help.

   Any ideas/personal anecdotes would be greatly appreciated!

   1. Take an hour per set of parents and write them a really thoughtful card.

      1. This is what we did. Wrote how they were such great examples for us of what marriage should be, thanks for the love, etc.

      2. +2. We did this too and it was a big hit.

      3. Did you (personally) also write a note to your future in-laws, and he to your parents? I know I could definitely write a very sentimental letter to my parents, but would have a much harder time doing so with his (though I could probably pull it off). Him writing a letter to my parents– probably even more impossible. I do want our parents to truly feel that we’re joining as one family, though…..hmmm

         1. Couldn’t you each write to your own, but reference your fiance? Don’t overthink this. Your parents will feel that he is joining your family and his parents will feel you are joining his. But you still are their individual children and it is okay to write from that perspective.

   2. I was going to suggest photo book, until you said that was already in the plans. That’s what our parents got.

      I think the best, most heartfelt thing you could do is publicly thank them at the rehearsal. If you really want a “thing,” for the women, perhaps jewelry? For the men, something along the lines of celebratory cigars? A “through the years” type childhood scrapbook with an empty spot for the wedding photo you’ll be adding? That one would make my parents instantly weepy (in a good way).

      1. Also gave my parents, his parents, & our grandparents photobooks I made at shutterfly– they cost about $50/each, are gorgeous, and made great and very sentimental gifts and I know they all really loved them!
         You are never going to be able to “repay your parents” or get something as valuable as what you feel like they’ve imparted to you during the wedding/life… so I think sentimentality is the way to go here.

   3. We got each set of parents a frame for wedding pictures in a style they’d find special.

   4. Lots of parents have a box of old family photos sitting in the attic somewhere. Or some old film movies, or VCR tapes, whatever. Can you take the photos/video tapes/etc for each family and have them restored as a surprise? (scanned to a disk, mounted in an album, whatever is appropriate for the medium). Weddings tend to be sentimental, nostalgic times, so it fits the theme.

   5. We got frames from this etsy shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thesugaredplums?ref=l2-shop-info-name. We figured it was the nice photo, and a step above. Both mothers really loved them (neither of our dads are sentimental so that was a crap shoot with any gift of this nature).

   6. We got our parents photos from alphabetpix, which spell out their last names in photos. We got my parents a beachy style for their vacation house, and my husband’s parents a rustic style since his dad grew up on a ranch. They both love them and have them in their house to this day.

   7. Thank you for the great suggestions– I think we were looking for confirmation that something sentimental but not very expensive would be an appropriate gift, especially with the photos coming later. I knew I would have success if I asked you ladies!

      1. We wrote my parents a letter and gave them a $200 gift card to their fave restaurant. They later used the gift card to take us out to dinner (several months after the wedding). His parents were not involved in the wedding, which is why we did not do the same for them.

   8. DH and I each wrote each set of parents and thank you card which we gave them at the rehearsal dinner, and made a speech to thank them on the wedding day. Once we got our wedding photos, we gave both sets of parents photo-related gifts (different based on what we thought they’d prefer to have in their homes).

   9. I am probably your parents’ age, and I would hate to think of my son and his hypothetical future fiancee spending even one minute agonizing over what kind of gift to buy me in relation to their wedding. A photo book is awesome, a heartfelt card to each set of parents from their child is awesome, anything material is absolutely unnecessary and you shouldn’t stress about it.

   10. we did watches (on a bigger budget) for my in-laws and luggage for my parents. I think both went over very well.

10. Can someone help me shop for furniture? My husband and I are looking for a king bed. We like really simple lines and I think prefer wood headboards to tufted/fabric. We also like platform and not box spring. Ideas? Stores I haven’t thought of (outside of the old West Elm/C&B/ Room and Board stand bys)? Thanks!

    1. Where do you live?

       1. New Orleans – fewer options than somewhere like NYC or Atlanta but not a tiny city.

          1. Got it – thanks. I had a great recommendation for you given your parameters but it is in the Boston area, unfortunately.

             1. I’ll take it! What were you going to recommend??

             2. http://www.bedworks.net/index.php

             3. Wow. I am in love with this.

    2. Well, I was going to recommend Mobel, but when I googled it apparently they closed in 2014. :( Too bad, I love my Mobel bedroom furniture – simple, good quality, US-made, solid wood. Maybe even worth seeking out second hand?

    3. I’m not sure of your style, but I really like Arhaus lately, good quality stuff and reasonably priced. I’d also visit a furniture showroom and check the maker of the things you like (Basset, Shermag, etc.) a lot of NC furniture places will sell you the same stuff with a minimal shipping fee for way cheaper than what you’d pay in store.

    4. Maybe check Nadeau? They’re kind of hit or miss in that a lot of times their stuff is pretty funky (think crazy paint colors or shabby chic distressed paint jobs), but occasionally they have good simple furniture. There is one in New Orleans.

    5. we found ours at Thomasville. its a 4 poster/canopy wood frame (but you can skip the canopy part of the frame.

    6. Not sure if you’re still reading, but we have been struggling with this for some time now. I’ve gone seriously down the rabbit hole of the Internet trying to find something that resembles the hale bed at room and board in a non-canopy version. (We probably would have gone with that bed but it doesn’t fit up to our apartment.) I think what we will wind up doing is ordering furniture from Woodforms (New England cherry furniture maker) and just dealing with the higher shipping costs. Also very seriously considered hedgehouse furniture (near Chicago) – same shipping issue. I feel your pain. This is remarkably difficult! Bedworks of Maine also has a lot of good options. And you might look into Amish craftsmen if you’re already eating the shipping. Good luck!!

    7. Hurwitz-Mintz. Mine is from there. Queen with a fairly heavy wood headboard and low footboard. Or Doerr on Elysian Fields. The Nadeau store is small here, so probably no beds. Arhaus is pretty cool – I went to their grand opening in the CBD. Spendy though.

11. I am a 2nd year attorney at a small firm and I was just told by my boss that she thinks my work is “crap” (her words). Given this assessment of my work, I figure I should polish off my resume and reach out to my network, etc. etc. since my time here is probably limited, but I need advice for how to make it through today without: 1. crying, 2. saying “f this,” quitting on the spot and signing up for culinary school. Anything helps!

    1. is your boss under a lot of stress right now? She could have taken it out on you by expressing herself in a less productive way. I know it hurts to hear, but is it possible it was meant as constructive feedback and her stress just came through too much? I know it doesn’t help with the hurt she caused, but might help you decide whether you really need to leave, or not. internet hugs to you!

    2. I was at a small/ mid-size firm as a junior associate (when the legal market was completely in the tank) and for reasons that are really hard to articulate, it was just a bad fit. I really didn’t like it and evidently the feeling was mutual. I was quiet fired. In the process, I networked and interviewed hard. I am now at a borderline Big Law firm where I consistently get excellent reviews and don’t face every day with dread. I had always thought that “fit” was BS, but it really isn’t. So don’t internalize it all. And anyone who calls a young professional’s work “crap” really doesn’t sound like someone you want to build your career with.

       But when I was interviewing, I was very diligent about presenting all the great experience I got at the firm, but noting that its size prevented me from focusing on the kinds of cases I wanted, etc. Staying outwardly positive is the key to getting the f out.

       1. +1. Same story. I was at a small solo practice where I just didn’t fit and was let go after six months (fortunately I was told it was a layoff, so I could tell that to future employers and collect unemployment, but I know they were extremely unhappy with me). I was unemployed for quite a while, which was miserable (but this was also at the peak of the legal recession), but I eventually landed in Big Law where I have been for 4 years and get consistently great reviews. Fit is so, so important, especially at small firms. Don’t despair. Make it to 5 pm today, then go home and take the night off and do whatever you find fun or relaxing. Then tomorrow start working on your resume and networking and trying to change your situation.

    3. When I am running and I get tired, and I have five minutes left to go, I tell myself, “you can do anything for five minutes.” It might not be true, but it usually works to get me through the remainder of my run.

       I say, get through today. Make it to five, knowing that tonight, you will work on your resume and start networking. You can get through the next few hours. Keep your head up!

       1. And, maybe when you are feeling stronger and not on the verge of tears, you can ask your boss for some constructive criticism. It will likely be helpful at both your current and future position.

    4. Well, is it?

    5. I used to work for a small firm where the partners on my team said stuff like that to the junior associates all the time. It was (almost always) unjustified. I knew it was a bad environment, but after I left and started working for another firm, I realized how insane and dysfunctional that place really was. Just try to remember that it’s probably not you, it’s them.

    6. Just wanted to commiserate a bit. I have had at least two partners here tell me what I gave to them was “crap.” Literally one told me “this is the worst memo I’ve ever read,” and the other one asked me “if I even went to law school?” Why yes, I did go to law school and graduated near the top of my class and somehow managed to get published a few times along the way.

       If it helps, those experiences totally blew over (despite me thinking at the time that I was absolutely FIRED), and if anything, I’ve learned to have thicker skin about getting really harsh feedback. Of course it still hurts, but it might not mean you are getting fired. Still, if the firm isn’t a good fit, today might be that moment of clarity where you can start thinking about exit options.

       1. Ok, the above example is close enough to my own experience that I’ll give you my thoughts from the other side of the table.

          I have told a young engineer that her analysis & resulting memo was not good enough to publish and the work needed to be done over again. I absolutely did not use the word “crap”, and I’m pretty certain I didn’t say “worst” either – neither of those are acceptable IMO – but what I did do was make her cry. And nowhere in that whole discussion was I having *any* thoughts about her not being good enough for the job. I actually really liked her and thought she was turning out to be a great engineer. It’s just that one analysis had some major flaws that needed to be corrected – nothing more personal than that.

          So whatever came out of my mouth that day, I obviously didn’t get that across. Ironically that was my shortcoming as a supervisor – I probably failed that day more than she did. I’m wondering (except for the presence of words like ‘crap’) if the same is true in the OP’s case.

    7. It does not mean you’re a bad lawyer. I’m guessing she’s one of those people who is… less filtered in what the say… I’ve known people who say “this is crap” and it usually does NOT mean “you suck as an attorney and are about to be fired,” it means “ugh I’m so stressed out about x and y and you made a mistake please fix it.” That said, who wants to work for someone like that, so wouldn’t be bad to dust off ye olde resume and start networking, but do it with the thought that YOU want something better for yourself, and are going to go get that better thing.

12. I wouldn’t wash this dress in a machine. There is too much potential that the lining would shrink and make the whole thing wonky.

13. Does anyone here wear Blundstone boots in the fall or winter? I kind of like the rugged chic look (saw it a ton in Paris last week) and could use a new pair of quality boots. Is this brand too rugged-looking, though? Any recommendations would be great!

    1. My husband wears them. I haven’t thought of getting myself a pair. Is this a thing? I think I’d prefer them to booties, but I might wear my Keen hiking boots (they are not terribly rugged) out more in suburbia than buy another pair of casual boots.

       1. Yes, Chelsea boots are definitely a thing, but quite a different look from hiking boots.

    2. I have them and wear them around my semi-casual city quite frequently, and on the way into the office. I like the look of them with a wool sock coming out the top with skinny jeans, with an otherwise polished outfit. I wouldn’t wear them to meetings or something like that though.

    3. Sure, Blundstones are essentially a Chelsea boot, although a little hardier than some Chelsea boots on the market. My dad, husband, mum, MIL, and sister all wear them in the fall and winter (mostly winter actually), for commuting and weekend wear.

14. I want to revamp my skin care routine to be anti-aging. I already use retinol and sunscreen. What else should I be using?

    1. I’ve seen great reviews of The Body Shop’s new Drops of Youth range – check out Caroline Hirons’ website for reviews.

    2. Those are the two best things.

       Otherwise….

       Don’t smoke.
       Sleep well, every night.
       Exercise regularly.
       Eat well.
       Don’t get dehydrated, but we emphasize hydrating more than really benefits most of us.

       I’ll let others get into pricey or fancy creams etc… but there is little proven out there.

    3. Vitamin C serum — I like Ole Hendrickson’s Truth Serum

    4. I think Tretinoin (Retin-A) and Vitamin C are the only ingredients that have peer-reviewed proven anti-aging benefits. Tretinoin helps reduce/reverse wrinkles and regular use of Vitamin C over time stimulates collagen production.
       Vitamin C serum has an extremely short shelf life, so I usually make my own with cosmetic vitamin C (there are lots of tutorials out there), but I’ve heard Paula’s Choice is also a good source for a moderately priced serum.

       A good chemical exfoliant is also an essential for me – I love the Silk Naturals AHA toner, but I used Stridex pads in the red box for a long time (still use them on my legs and bikini line to prevent ingrowns after shaving).

    5. My anti-aging favs are an antioxidant serum like Skinceuticals Phlorentin CF or iS Clinical Active Serum. And good eye cream. I like Revision DEJ eye cream the best. Expensive, but so worth it. Oh, and Botox. That stuff really does the trick.

15. How to minimize a shiny face in photos? I have been in a lot of candid pictures recently and my face looks really oil/shiny in the pictures. Prior to the pictures, I used an oil blotting paper so I know that my face wasn’t oily. But even after using those papers, my face is on the shiny side (both in real life and in pictures). Using some pressed powder would help I’m sure, but I can’t always whip out powder before a candid picture.

    Would wearing primer help with this? Any other advice? I have a very minimal makeup routine now (moisturizer with sunscreen, Studio fix powder, blush, and coloring in my eyebrows). I can add in a step but don’t have time for anything too complicated.

    1. I think that the moisturizer *with sunscreen* is the culprit here – it can make the pic show your face as shiny or paler than usual.

       If you splash with water first, dry, then use the blotting paper, I find that improves the shiny look.

       1. Yes, sunscreen reflects like crazy and makes your face look very shiny in photos.

          1. Ok, assuming you want to follow every doctors’ advice and continue wearing sunscreen daily, which you should (my 66-looks-55 mother can attest to this), yes, primer will help. I moved to a BB cream with primer and a dusting of translucent powder on top (Bare Minerals), and it’s good enough for me. A full-on primer will be even more effective. Yes, I still look pale in photos, but bronzer works if I’m really bothered by it, and I’m not shiny.

             1. Do you put primer on after sunscreen or before?

             2. I’m not saying don’t wear sunscreen – I wear it every day (real sunscreen, not just moisturizer with SPF). It was just an explanation, not advice to stop wearing it.

             3. For evening events when I know there will be pictures I skip any products with sunscreen. Not a solution in the daytime though sadly.

             4. I use sunscreen before primer. The order in which I put on skin care/makeup products is the more liquidy it is, the earlier you put it on, and you move from more liquidy to more creamy products, then finish with dry products.

                I am a big fan of primer with SPF in it – Shiseido makes a superb primer with SPF 21 (Refining Makeup i think it’s called). Hourglass also makes a decent primer with SPF.

                I notice that I get oily if I put moisturizer on in the morning, so I don’t put moisturizer on.

       2. Makes a lot of sense that sunscreen is the culprit. I want to wear a moisturizer with sunscreen, for obvious anti-aging reasons. I will try primer to see if that helps. Thanks!

16. Decorating question: I have my eye on this couch (http://www.cb2.com/club-3-seater-sofa/s234773) for my living room, and I’m wondering what chairs to get to go with it. In most houses I’ve seen, including my parents’, the furniture in the living room is usually from a matched set, but I don’t like the matchy matchy look so I want to do chairs in a different color & style. But do I need to stick to the same very modern, club chair style in order for my living room to have a cohesive look? Or could I do something like a tufted armchair without looking like I just threw furniture together at random?

    1. I think a classic tufted armchair would look a little odd with such a modern streamlined piece. What about something like this?
       http://www.cb2.com/avec-chair/s234464
       What does the rest of your furniture look like? Maybe pick a chair with legs that coordinate with your other pieces (wood? metal? shiny?) and a pattern to compliment the other colors in the room?

       1. I would do the Anne-Oh chair but in a different color than the couch.

       2. I don’t really have much furniture. I’m starting from scratch furnishing an empty house. I definitely want a soft, comfortable fabric chair. I don’t find chairs like the director chair comfortable at all.

    2. I think with a couch like that, you might want some lighter, more open chairs with clean lines, not necessarily a fuller chair. I always liked this Domino spread:

       http://domino.com/ariel-ashe-designing-modernman-townhouse

       What about a pair of the leather director chair with one of the agency chairs (all on CB2)? Or is that too modern?

    3. I would do a printed chair or some wood accents to be lighter. I would definitely not do the same style chair or color. That is a very HEAVY sofa. The chair should be smaller and lighter

       For example: http://www.wayfair.com/Monterey-Slipper-Chair-ZIPC1353-ZIPC1353.html

       (obviously just an example, I have no idea what your colors are)

17. Let’s have a talk about cleavage in non-business settings. There’s a dress I’ve been considering getting from Rent The Runway that is super flattering but very low cut. It’s this one: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/herve_leger/white_halo_sheath. The revealing-ness is less obvious on the model but more so in the user photos.

    I’m fairly well endowed, and I’ve always been less willing to show off my chest than other parts of my body. It’s not that I’m self-conscious about the way I physically look in that department (the opposite, actually), but rather that I feel more immodest when showing it off. A large part of this is probably being particularly sensitive to obvious, lewd stares from strangers. On the other hand, when I see other women showing off more off than what I would generally be comfortable with, I usually think, “oh, she looks great!”. The few times I’ve let myself be a bit more revealing, I know I’ve felt amazing and my husband has been a big fan (he would love this dress).

    I’d like to know everyone’s personal viewpoints, because I’m curious more about what women think (I don’t think we need to discuss what most men think). Obviously the circumstances matter, but let’s assume a date night at a trendy restaurant, or similar setting. What do you think about substantial cleavage on women? Where you would place yourself on the modest/revealing spectrum? On a way more awkward note, have you ever found yourself accidentally staring (I certainly have)?

    If your is “why do you care what other people think about your appearance”, I’d like to kindly request that you reconsider posting it—I’d love to see a reduction in the shaming on this site for the apparent sin of considering other people’s opinions.

    1. I have lovely 36G’s and they are my favorite accessory. Obvi not for like work or church, but for evening? They’re basically always out. As long as they are secure, no nipples are showing, I rock it.

       Personally I wouldn’t wear the dress you linked to because it looks so low cut I wouldn’t be able to wear a bra, and I need the support.

       1. I have the same size, and I am constantly trying to cover them up!

    2. I would probably think “cute dress” (in this case) or “not my style” (if that were true). And not specifically think about the cleavage at all. I like seeing a variety of personal styles when I go out (including things I would never wear, for whatever reason). Keeps life interesting.

    3. Love the dress. I have a large chest. I wore a lot of revealing dresses and shirts in my younger days, particularly when I could get away with spaghetti straps and skipping a bra and having things stay where I wanted them on their own.

       I wear less revealing stuff now for a few reasons. One, I think wearing buttoned up business attire constantly makes things that are slightly sexy feel more scandalous to me. The very sexy stuff I used to wear just feels uncomfortable now since I’m not used to showing skin anymore. The second reason is some outfits don’t look as good anymore as gravity has taken its toll. The third reason is I live and work in a small community and my coworkers and clients frequent the same restaurants and bars I do. I’m not sure I would be comfortable making small talk with my boss with a super revealing dress on, if we ran into him. I still wear stuff I wouldn’t wear to work obviously but I’m a bit more cautious about what I wear locally in public.

       I save some of my very revealing stuff for vacations where I don’t have to worry about running into people. Also, presumably I’ve been in a bathing suit on the trip and then I feel less naked in a low cut dress than I do after wearing a business suit.

       I don’t particularly care what other woman or other men think. I don’t mind getting looks and honestly, if I’m wearing a super low cut dress, I’m expecting it. And yes, I have looked at others too. No shame there. But, I don’t care because I feel like I’m wearing these things in an appropriate setting. Not at church or something.

       I was recently shopping for a bridesmaids dress and I kept warning the bride that I would wear whatever she picked out but to consider a low v is not going to look the same on me as it did her A-cup friends and to consider whether she wants exposed cleavage on her bridesmaids.

       1. I was in a friend’s wedding 3 years ago, and the dress she chose (for bridesmaids that were B cup, max, plus me… more like D or DD) was very low cut. When she saw my in the dress, as we were heading to the ceremony, she had an obvious reaction before she composed herself. I’m sitting there like… what did you think was going to happen when you chose this dress?? I actually really liked it though– hopefully I didn’t cause any grandmother issues :)

    4. As long as the situation/place is appropriate, I don’t think much of it. If someone wore that to a business function I would be side-eyeing them. If someone wore it to a trendy restaurant for a date night/clubbing/to a bar, I probably wouldn’t think much of it (assuming it otherwise fit appropriately). I think the rule that you can have one revealing aspect to an outfit at a time is a good one. If something is super short, has lots of cleavage, and cutouts (stomach strip, etc.), that tends to be too much. Reasonable length with cleavage looks fine (again, assuming it is an appropriate situation/place).

    5. It’s a cute dress. I have an athletic build but might not wear this for fear it would be too revealing of my dinner choices.

       But in the user pictures, it looks like you would attract a lot of a certain kind of attention in it. Are you OK with that? If so, wear away.

       1. So, the function I’m considering wearing it to is actually the after-party of our wedding (different bride than above). I definitely need to change out of my wedding dress. I don’t think anyone older than our grandparents will be there, and honestly, I’ve decided that I really want to wear something that then-new-husband will find irresistible. I think the city we’re getting married in also helps a bit to make it more appropriate (think Southern party city), and this will be at a huge, fun, casual party bar.

          1. I meant anyone our grandparents age. No one older than our parents will be there.

          2. Oh then girl you rock it!

             1. You’re the bride- do it up!

                I would probably also order a backup dress, just in case you try it on and don’t feel comfortable in it. Wear what makes you feel amazing.

          3. If it’s an after-party to your wedding and you want to wear that dress, wear that d@mn dress! That night of all nights!

          4. If you’re going to feel comfortable in it, go for it. But you do want to be comfortable — all eyes will be on you, and the last thing you want is to worry about something popping out if you go to hug your friend, or someone picks you up to twirl you around, or someone takes a photo from the side.

    6. That dress is just dated.

    7. I was expecting something much more scandelous! Its low but I think its balanced by the long sleeves, plus its your after party. Go forth and rock it

    8. Oh no — look at the user-uploaded pictures; there’s an X-strap that is meant to cut under the bust. On the girl in the first picture (who isn’t that big of bust) it look like that strap is cutting into her boobs. The second user-uploaded picture (engagement photo?) has the dress pulled way down probably because of that X-strap, and the third girl (with her head cut off in the picture) has a close up that shows you that X-strap close up. On me that would cut me mid-boob unless I yanked it all the way down — I’d pass it by.

    9. I have DDs. I would say most of the time I’ve stopped caring about cleavage. I’ll make sure it’s more modest cleavage in some cases (e.g. meeting my friend’s new bf, family dinner, basically anytime someone other than my date / friends will be in a position to stare closely at them), but saying no to cleavage is really limiting my wardrobe options.

       However, I am really big on balance. So, I think it’s usually to much to do cleavage AND tight, or cleavage AND short. The dress above would be a no-go for me because of that, and because herve leger screams bachelorette party / sorority formal.

       1. I’d add that in foreign countries, I minimize as much as possible to avoid attention.

    10. Thanks!! I think I’ll be able to achieve “I’m a beautiful bride!” while avoiding “god, what was she thinking.” Re: quad boob, I see your point from some of the photos, but only about 10% look that way so I think I’ll be good. I like the way the dress looks on the women that seem to have similar chest sizing as I.

        1. I would rent it before your wedding weekend to try on and then return – I love RTR and usually take risks, but you do not want to find out you hate something in the midst of all that activity! Plus then you can choose the right undergarments for it in advance.

    11. I will be a voice of dissent here.

        I don’t like these dresses. They scream LOOK AT ME AND THINK I’M HOT, PLEASE!, regardless of the size, shape, bust size, leg length, etc., of the wearer. If I attended your wedding and spent hours in your company while you looked like a beautiful bride, and then you changed into this for the after-party, I would think you were super insecure and in need of external validation on what should be a really happy day for you, and it would make me feel sorry for you. And I would think that regardless of your cup size and band size.

        1. I 100% agree. Low cut + tight = desperate for attention.

        2. That opens a whole other can of worms for philosophical discussion. Is there anything inherently wrong with someone wanting to say “look how hot I am???” and get the external validation that provides? If it feels icky, why? Is it because it implies that person is better than others? That they are getting accolades for something that is only in part within their control? (Assuming beauty is in part genetics and in part work). This topic came up this past weekend in discussing an acquaintance going through a mid-life crisis because her life was literally built around rewards for her beauty. Her job in her 20’s was getting paid (very well) to be an attractive person at bars in a major city. Now she’s mostly a SAHM and feels like she needs to go out partying to feel self-worth. At first I thought it was sad but then I wondered if it is any different than those of us that need to be getting praise at work (closing deals, winning cases, saving patients) to feel self-worth. The feminist in me has just created some stigma around tying beauty and worth together. But brains and professional success, like beauty, are part genetics and part hard work. Maybe they really aren’t so different . . .

           1. It’s the lack of self-confidence. Which applies whether you need external validation for looks or for brains.

        3. I disagree. Only if I already disliked a person would I ascribe obnoxious motivations to their attire. And this is something I am trying to work on – if I don’t like someone, fine, but I shouldn’t make it about her looks.

           I think it is not inherently offensive to wear revealing/attention-grabbing clothes with very limited exceptions where it is unwise or disrespectful (work situations, court, and funerals are the ones that come to mind) and people should not take your choice of attire as a personal insult. If there is any time this is extra true, it’s your wedding.

           (I also think the dress in question is really not that over-the-top revealing.)

        4. I wholeheartedly disagree, in general, and particularly here. It’s her wedding. Everyone is there to look at and lavish attention on her. And if she feels like looking sexy and hot, there might be no better time to do so.

           1. I agree!! I never comment, but ascribing those bad motives to the wearer seems to be more of a reflection on the person ascribing intent. If the OP was my friend, I’d advise her to rock whatever she felt great wearing, and if rocking something that would her new husband found hot on their wedding night was the goal (!), even better.

              1. Your second sentence… so true. That was my thought as well. I didn’t look at the dress OP linked, but the generalization that any woman who wears a short, tight dress is insecure and “Anon’s” faux pity stuck out to me.

        5. And also realize that no one else at your wedding will be dressed in this style…. boobs out/short/tight. This is so low cut ….

           It just seems to be a really odd choice to me. But you know your husband/friends and what you feel comfortable with. I would just make sure my hair/jewelry/shoes were very simple so I didn’t fall completely over the edge…

           1. Oh my goodness… I just looked at some of the pictures of real women in the dress. No no no no no. There’s a reason why half of the pictures are women at their Bachelorette parties!

              Do you really want creepy uncle frank, and your grandfather, and your boss, and your best friend’s husband staring at your boobs all night?

              1. It’s for the after party!

    12. It looks fine on the model (who is very small of chest) but I think it’s extremely unflattering and, frankly, trashy-looking on the majority of the user photos. It also looks like it enhances cup sizes but several sizes – there’s a girl on there who claims to be a B who likes a D or DD to me. I would think that’s the last thing you want as someone large-chested. I think there is a way to do cleavage tastefully even if you’re large-chested (Christina Hendricks comes to mind), but this is so tight and has a fairly short skirt, and honestly most of the girls wearing that dress look like streetwalkers. Sorry. It’s your wedding and you should wear what you want, but I would be cringing so hard if I saw a bride wearing that at their wedding.

    13. I don’t mind cleavage and frequently go out with mine showing. BUT I also don’t like dresses like this that are tight and short and show cleavage. Pick one asset to show off! For example, IMO these dresses are all much sexier and more flattering. For cleavage, https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/milly/rosanna_dress. And for legs – https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/diane_von_furstenberg/ringer_dress. And if you want to wear a tight Harvey Leger dress, I think this is sexier (minus the exposed zipper of course) -https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/herve_leger/ardell_dress. I’m not suggesting these specific dresses for your after-wedding party, and I swear I don’t wear hot pink all the time, but just giving examples of cuts I prefer for a general “date night at a trendy restaurant.”

        Then again, it’s your wedding and your after-party, so rock whatever you’ll feel awesome in. The people attending your wedding and the after-party know and love you and won’t be there to judge. And, of all nights, this is one where you SHOULD feel fabulous without worrying about what other people think.

    14. Would YOU feel comfortable wearing this dress? As in: will you be constantly pulling at it to cover more? This dress may not work with a bra. Is show through an issue for you? Just in case, I would be buying some Hollywood tape.

18. Has anyone lived on Roosevelt Island in NY? We’re considering a move there but a little nervous about making such a big change. Thought I’d take a stab in the dark and see if anyone on this board might be familiar.

    1. I did not live there, but I did live on the F train line in Queens and there were numerous weekends/holidays when the Roosevelt Island stop would be skipped for maintenance/MTA issues, whatever. Are you ok with using another route into other boroughs as needed? I’d also imagine Uber drivers/cabs would be fairly reluctant to take you out there (i always got push back going to Queens).

    2. We briefly considered it, but ultimately ruled it out because of the limited access and if I recall, rent prices seemed unreasonably high compared to other, better (in our opinion) areas. The F train isn’t the greatest. Also, it just had a weird vibe when we were looking at places there. It almost felt like a college campus in terms of the layout/lack of stores. I can’t describe it, but definitely spend some time there before you decide. We ultimately ended up back in Queens (went from LIC to Astoria. Which I wholeheartedly recommend.)

       1. Thanks, Gail and anne-on. We need to be in New York County for technical reasons and RI is technically considered part of Manhattan. You both bring up good points re: transportation issues. On the one hand, between the tram, train and the fact that we have a car, we think we would be okay. On the other, when it is a problem, I’m sure it’s a huge pain! Part of our thinking is that with the Cornell expansion all of the “cons” about transport and lack of shopping/dining will be hugely lessened but you can’t assume these things.

          1. Oh, if you have a car, that would definitely help. We did not, so weekend subway service was a serious concern.

       2. Gail, have you seen the prices for Astoria lately? We moved out of Astoria in February and the rents for an equivalent place are nearly double what we were paying. I keep looking at rentals out of sick fascination.

          1. Not recently, but I’m not surprised. We basically had the best deal ever when we lived in Astoria because we rented from a person as opposed to a company, but there was new construction going up around us when we left NYC that was far more than what we were paying for our apartment. I do occasionally like to look at rental prices in Queens, just to see, usually when I’m missing NYC. The prices quickly kill that feeling.

    3. Friends of mine lived at the Octagon but only stayed for a year. I visited a few times and the annoying thing was the shuttle to get from the subway up to the other end of the island. You could walk it too but it was far enough that it would be a pain in bad weather.

       I think I’d be more likely to consider it if I could afford to live near the subway stop where all the shops and restaurants are.

       1. Thanks, Sydney. The two places we are looking at are a 6 and 10 min walk from the train so I think it should be doable without a shuttle but something to keep in mind, for sure.

          1. This may be too late for you to see, but I lived very happily on Roosevelt Island, on River Road, for 3 years when I first moved to NY.

             What I liked:
             –Friendly and very safe. Pet friendly.
             –My best commute ever: A 10-minute walk along the river to the tram, which ran every 7.5 minutes during rush hour and the spectacular view of the river and NYC during the 3-minute tram ride was something I never got tired of, then a brief walk on the other side to my midtown office. (But I really like to walk).
             –RI was deliberately designed as a mixed community, which is a refreshing change from gentrifed Manhattan where the non-rich have been squeezed out, unless you want to live with 6 roommates.
             –Very international with lots of neighbors who worked at the nearby UN; I was moving back to U.S. after years working in Europe, being around different nationalities was a plus for me.

             What you may not like:
             –Not a lot to do there. When I lived on RI, I went to the gym, did most of my shopping, and met friends for drinks/meals in Manhattan. Although there was a Gristedes right across the street from me that stayed open until midnight.

             I only left because I wanted to buy, and RI was still mostly rental then.

             If anyone’s a fan of mystery writer Linda Fairstein, one of her books is set on RI and has lots of fascinating local color about the island and its history.

19. I’m looking for some advice ladies. I am a relatively new attorney in-house, and my relationship with my immediate manager is not the best. In my free time, I participate in a lot of sporting activities. As a result of one of these activities, I ended up suffering a concussion and had to take several days off of work per doctor’s orders. Since then, my manager has been insistent in multiple conversations that I either wear a helmet to said activity or quit it altogether. I, personally, believe he has no say in what I do with my free time as long as my activities do not lead to a decreased work product or when my personal life leads to so many absences that we meet manager discretion in sick time taken. Am I out of line for thinking this? How can I politely indicate to him that his comments are appreciated, but I have no intention of altering my personal life outside of work? Thank you in advance for your insight!

    1. But your special personal activities did just lead to a decreased work product because you weren’t there. Pretending otherwise is just silly. Why can’t you just agree with him and do your own thing? And also your brain called and it wants you to wear a helmet.

       1. While I agree with your frustration that your boss is meddling, I 100% agree with Anonymous above that not wearing a helmet is just silly in this day and age. Unless the sport is swimming or something, just wear the appropriate headgear. Your brain will thank you.

          1. I appreciate your point for sure. If it was a sport that generally required headgear, I would wear it. But in my circumstances, it was a fluke accident.

       2. Agree completely.

          Although I agree that it is a bit odd for your Boss to have to ask you to wear a helmet, if you worked for/with me and actively refused to wear one when it seems that you regularly participate in a risky activity…. I would question your judgment. I am very serious.

          1. And since you are a new hire, you really don’t want people questioning your judgment….

    2. I think I would say (depending on your relationship)– Boss, I appreciate your concern but will continue to handle my personal life as I see fit.

       However, I do think he has a point about the helmet… but you just don’t need to tell him that.

    3. If this is an activity where helmets are common (cycling, snow sports, etc), then I’m not sure why you aren’t already wearing one because YOUR BRAIN!!!

       If you sustained a concussion during a non-helmet sport (rec. basketball league? running?), then I’m not sure why he wants you to wear one now, since it seems you could just as easily have injured yourself in this manner during non-sport activities.

       1. This is exactly the situation. It’s a non-helmet sport that led to a fluke accident.

          1. Then just yes him and move on.

             1. +1

          2. The clear solution is to buy a helmet and start wearing it to work every day. Don’t worry, Boss — No more head injuries for me! Bonus points if you buy one for him, too.

             1. So funny! I laughed out loud.

    4. I think it also depends on whether the non-helmet sporting activity was one where there is a greater risk of concussion (rugby, boxing) versus one with a slim-to-non risk (tennis).

       1. Sorry, to clarify (I miss the edit feature!), I mean that you don’t need to wear a helmet either way, but his concern seems more valid if it is a concussion-more-likely type of sport.

    5. He has no way of knowing if you are actually wearing a helmet during your free-time sport, so I would just yes him to death and say “I agree. That’s a good idea. I think I will from here on out.” etc. And then do whatever you want in your free time.

       But it also sounds like you have larger concerns about him lacking boundaries regarding your life outside of work?

       1. But when your actions outside of work affect your ability to do your job, your boss has a right to be concerned and frustrated. It would be nice if we could completely separate our personal and profession lives, but we can’t! If you do something foolish in your personal life (get arrested, DWI, etc), then it will affect your professional life too. I wouldn’t say that you should stop playing a sport or doing something you enjoy, but take the appropriate precautions and understand what you are doing! I initially thought this thread was a troll.

          1. Thanks for your insight. Not a troll, a legit question. If it makes a difference on your stance, this is a recreational sport where helmets are not even thought of as necessary for a safety precaution. I should have clarified that in the original question.

             1. I’m sorry. I did not mean intend for that post to come off as snarky as it did.

    6. I generally agree with your thoughts on the matter. We did have a paralegal who was into MMA fighting and judo. He would often show up to work with a black eye, various small cuts on his face/hands, or display general soreness/limping from class. It was pretty distracting and a bit shocking for a client if he had to come to a closing. It was a tough call whether to bring it up because it was his personal time. He ended up leaving for a non-desk job before I ever addressed it with him.

    7. Perhaps he is just sincerely concerned. I suffered a concussion last year, and it took a good six months to be 100% again, and I still have a bad day now and then. The symptoms were terrible, and frightening, and something I would not wish on my worst enemy. Concussions are difficult to diagnose, and the symptoms and impact of temporary brain injury vary widely.

       He may have had a previous experience that has made him sensitive to the issue, and is making these comments as he genuinely doesn’t want you to be at risk. For what it is worth, a second concussion can have a much more serious affect. For your own health, I’d wear a helmet or back off the activity for 6 months to a year anyways.

       1. I think this might be the case. In my work group, our boss is near retirement and a bunch of us on the team are the same age as his daughter. We all had to work late one night & one of the girls took an uber home and he brings up that he regrets letting her do this and that he should have driven her home (because he felt like if something happened to her, he would never regret not being more proactive)… at.every.single.meeting.for.the.past.six.months. It’s actually kind of endearing, even though for all of the rest us, it’s no big thing.

20. Hi all! As I contemplate a lateral move, I am interested in hearing about your career path since graduation (that is, first job, second job, etc., and how long, and any thoughts along the way). I understand this is pretty broad. Thanks!

    1. I think I could totally out myself on this, but here it goes:

       Major: Journalism/foreign language/”pre-law” (was studying for LSAT and otherwise destined for law school)
       “Career” One (parenthesis because it was short lived): Teacher/education non-profit (3 yrs)
       Career Two: Specialized finance (7+ yrs) – two related, but definitely different, jobs in this industry/career path so far. I plan on staying in career two, though the job function within it might change/result in lateral moves.

       My studies and two post-grad jobs are entirely unrelated. However, I had well-developed and universally transferable soft skills (writing, math, verbal communication) that made it possible for me to be where I am today. Traditionalists in my finance position would swear up and down you can’t get to my level without a finance undergrad, MBA and significant internships… yet, here I am (and I love it).

       1. -Graduated a semester early from my Large State School. Spent my last semester living and interning in DC. (2011)
          Moved to DC to work at a nonprofit full-time two months after graduating. Started a remote-study Master’s degree through Large State School. (2012)
          Stayed at nonprofit for 2.5 years.
          Moved in to a contracting role in the same function and industry as my nonprofit job, having finished all coursework for my Master’s. (2014)
          Graduate.
          Have been here for a year now. (2015)

    2. -Graduated college with an English degree; graduated a year early.
       -Went to law school immediately; graduated early. Worked through law school managing an apartment complex primarily (also had a few side jobs to make ends meet).
       -Started work 2 weeks after the bar exam at law firm #1. Mostly insurance defense litigation work. Stayed for 4 years.
       -Moved to bigger city for law firm #2. Switched to general commercial litigation, with some antitrust work. Stayed for a little less than a year. It was a soul-sucking h*ll-hole.
       -Moved to law firm #3. All litigation, but expanded to employment, securities, general commercial, and IP. Stayed there for 7+ years, made partner, etc.
       -Moved to in-house. Been here a little over a year. Best move I could have made. Oversee litigation for international company.

21. I’m curious to hear from people who have a history of mental illness in their or their SO’s family and whether you ever worried about whether your kids might be more likely to suffer from mental illness because of genetics. My husband has had issues with depression and anxiety in the past. I recently read the Wikipedia entry for borderline personality disorder and it was word for word exactly like my brother-in-law (I realize Wikipedia isn’t a medial textbook, but the description was very striking — also, the fact that my BIL was mentally ill was obvious but he would never let anyone talk with his doctors so no one knew in what way, exactly, he was sick). My BIL suffered terribly. He was clearly high almost every time I saw him. He could never hold a job. He tried moving out on his own several times, but always wound up back at my in-laws’. He was verbally and emotional abusive to my MIL. He was desperately jealous of my husband and believed my husband (and I) hated him (we didn’t, but he was often difficult to love). He was constantly getting arrested, mostly for DUIs. He had almost no friends. Ultimately, he was worn out with the suffering and killed himself to escape. Now that I have children of my own, I worry about whether they’ll have to suffer with mental illness, too. Not to make light of depression but if it were just that, a person can make a decent life with depression (my husband’s is reasonably well controlled and I think most days he’s happy with the life we have). But BPD is just so scary. I would hate for my sons to suffer the way their uncle suffered, or to go through what my in-laws have gone through (and believe me they were doing absolutely everything a person could do to try to help him — there just isn’t good treatment).

    1. I suffer from pretty bad depression, and mental illness does run in the family (I think there is some BPL in my uncle and his son). It is one of the reasons I do not want children- I would not want to subject anyone to the pain I have to endure everyday (meds / therapy only help so much).

       I wish you the best, but develop a plan for the worst.

    2. There is a history of this in my husband’s family and a little less so in mine (but still there) so its a concern of mine when planning for children. BUT you already have children and while you may worry about them, the worry won’t do anyone any good. Instead, I would educate yourself on signs, approaches, and best practices for raising a child at risk (including learning about how to know when something is seriously a sign or is just normal development/angst). I know my mom was in denial that depression could happen to me so I went a long time without directing any attention to addressing it. Once we started doing something about it, things were much better. The fact that you are concerned about it is good, but don’t let the worry consume you and don’t assume your kids have it just because of the family history.

       1. This is all good advice. This may also be something to discuss with your children’s doctor to the extent some of the symptoms appear during childhood/adolescence.

    3. I worry about this too, as there is some history in my family, and a strong history of depression and anxiety in my husband’s, but what honestly concerns me more than the idea that there will be an issue is the idea of projecting an issue where one does not exist. I’m pretty sure my MIL has done that on one of my husband’s siblings. She has depression issues, as does my husband and his brother, but I don’t think younger (half) sister does. But MIL is convinced she does. And sure, she could. But we spend a good bit of time with her and I think it’s just as likely teenage angst and hormones. The long story short of this is that I live in fear of walking that line between taking something seriously and treating, versus projecting based on family history and either unnecessarily medicating, or even creating a complex. The disease doesn’t scare me as much as the worry about it does

    4. Yes, I worry. And it is very isolating.

       I have a strong family history of (poorly treated) mental health disorders that only crept out quietly over many decades. My father wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar disorder formally until he was 72 and he attempted suicide when I was a child. My family is full of depression/anxiety and PTSD (as a result of living with people with poorly treated psychiatric disorders!) as well as bipolar disorder, OCD, alcoholism, and denial. My little brother worries a lot that he is going to go down my father’s road, and that contributes to his own anxiety. I am anxious and just worry about everything equally!

       I look at people I know who seem to have had “normal” upbringings, and I often can’t relate to them at all. It is very lonely. It’s amazing how many people do not know how lucky they are….. but I digress.

       Yet, I have an MD PhD, my brother is a multi-millionaire internet start-up genius, and my other brother is an amazing artist (hobby) and a highly successful consultant in his field. Unfortunately we all have dysfunctional relationships with our significant others (or have given up, in my case) and only one of us has a child. Two of us will probably never get married and have kids, and our dysfunctional parent model is at the root of this. We have had counseling, but not enough.

       What I have realized is that mental illness is incredibly common, and while it often went untreated in the past, pretty much every family is affected. If they think they aren’t, just wait…. Fortunately, it is now better recognized, treatments are better and insurance coverage is better, and it is more socially acceptable. Because of this, people are doing better and living much more functional lives.

       For what it’s worth, the personality disorders (borderline) don’t seem to run in families the same way. And environment plays such a huge role (just as much as genetics) that you can really modify outcomes for your kids. Talking openly about your husband’s mood issues, providing a supportive and loving home, and telling your kids you love them and are there for them are the best things you can do. And of course, making sure your husband stays in treatment indefinitely…. this should be part of the “contract”…. especially when kids are involved.

       Remember, they “see” and hear everything. Everything….

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