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Updated: Sep 20, 2024 278 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Clinique Black Honey lipgloss

Ulta's been having “deal of the day,” and today is a pretty great one: Clinique Black Honey is marked from $25 down to $12.50.

This is a looong-standing reader favorite for a “my lips but better” tint, as well as one of mine — I can't recall a time when I haven't had this in my collection.

It's a slim tube and lasts a long time — it has a very gentle wash of color, although you can build it. To my eyes it's barely noticeable on me (you can see pictures of it on my lips from our long ago post on MLBB tints!)

The tube is $12.50 at Ulta — and it looks like Amazon has matched the price. (Nordstrom WILL match the price, but you have to do through a price adjustment.) They have a lot of deals on Clinique in general today, including some “gift with purchase” ones if you purchase a certain amount.

You can see all of Ulta's 50% off deals on one page. Noteworthy ones:

Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Been There

    I love black honey but I found that Covergirl Tinted Lip Balm in Berry to be an excellent dupe.

  2. SFchic

    Looking for a cute card holder/pouch to carry credit cards/driver’s license and a little cash. There were some great ones recommended here in an old post, but all of the ones I like are sold out / discontinued. Any new suggestions?

  3. Fall lunch menu

    I’m planning a cookie/baked goods exchange with some friends because people only ever seem to do them around the holidays and it seemed like it would be fun to do one on a random non-December weekend! There will be about 12 people. Feel I’m going for is elevated fall luncheon party. What would you serve for lunch if you were hosting something like this?

    • Anon

      I do a cookie exchange. We’ve had different themes for food but for the last one we had takeout Chinese – mostly dumplings/dim sum and chow mein – and it went over very well.

    • Anon

      I would make a pot of soup and get a platter of assorted sandwiches from Jimmy John’s or something. Set out cheese and crackers. And tea when it’s time to enjoy everyone’s cookies!

      • Anon

        Ok I see now you are going for “elevated” fall luncheon, but I still think you should get a sandwich platter, maybe from a local deli instead. Make things easy on yourself because you will be busy making cookies as well!

  4. Anonymous

    if for some reason you lost all of your makeup, what would be the first 3 things you would buy again — what makes the biggest impact on your face/complexion that you cannot live without? not counting sunscreen, I would buy
    – eyebrow tint
    – undereye concealer
    – probably NARS Orgasm blush

    A lip tint like this Clinique one would be very close behind.

    • Anon

      Eyebrow pencil would be #1 for sure. I look terrible without it. Mascara and concealer.

    • Anon

      Face Atelier ultra skin foundation, Anastasia eyebrow pencil, Covergirl mascara

    • Anon

      Corrector
      Mineral foundation powder
      Blush
      Lipstick

      (sorry can’t narrow it down to three!)

    • Cat

      concealer, brow gel, and mascara.

      next on the list would be tinted moisturizer, shadow stick, and blush.

      I always want to be a person who wears lipstick but never actually bother!

    • Anon

      Eyebrow – Glossier Boy Brow
      Concealer – Cle de peau stick
      Lipstick – Chantecaille Lip Chic in Foxglove

      Ist runner up: Juice Beauty Illuminating Primer, which I wear in lieu of foundation
      2nd runner up: Fenty Invisimat Setting Powder
      3rd runner up: Glossier mascara

    • NY CPA

      Benefit Gimme Brow Gel
      Chanel Le rouge duo ultra tenue lipstick
      Mascara of some variety

    • Anon

      Eyebrow pencil, blush, concealer. Blush can be used on lips/eyelids in a pinch and I look absolutely dead without it. The one benefit of my lashes being short and stumpy is that I don’t look much different with or without mascara!

    • Anonymous

      Eyebrow pencil and lipstick are all I need and all I wear 95% of the time. Concealer for the odd zit.

    • Anon

      Tinted moisturizer (I like L’Oréal true match serum)
      Mascara (I like the tarte tubing mascara)
      Something to add color; Either a lip color (I play around with a bunch, usually elf or Sephora collection. My favorite is probably Sephora collection lip stain) or a cream blush (my favorite is elf I think). I guess I should try one that’s for lips and cheeks!

    • Anonymous

      Haha literally those exact three things – brow gel, under eye concealer, Nars blush in O

    • anon

      * boy brow
      * some kind of tubing mascara
      * benetint lip / cheek stain (original color)

      • Jamie

        Jumping off this—what good make up remover wipes are dupes for the old Ole Henrikson truth line wipes? I have tried Neutrogena, Walmart and Target brands, and a few others but can’t stand the strong perfume smell and the way my skin feels after several days in a row of using them. Prefer wipes as it seems my washcloths don’t come as clean from mascara and eye shadow as I’d like after multiple washes. TIA!

        Also, good recs for under $30 undereye concealer?

  5. Anon

    I hesitate to post this, but you all asked for an update, so here goes. I’m the poster from the other day about asking out the third year resident. I read all of your comments, and I have to say I’m mortified and embarrassed. I asked him out at the encouragement of two friends, so I didn’t realize how big of a societal rule I was breaking. But talk about mortified – he didn’t answer the message, and today I received a certified letter stating I was being kicked out of the practice and barred from seeing him. I’m SO embarrassed, I feel absolutely awful, I am in tears. So there you go, there’s your update. I’ll be under a rock for the next 5 years if anyone is looking for me.

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry. I am one of those who thought it was inappropriate, but that seems to be an overreaction by the clinic. I suppose they’re protecting their staff member.

      • anon

        I don’t think it’s an overreaction at all. Not to rehash it all, but OP took Steps to find him and get the message to him. In the litigious day and age that we live in, I think it was entirely fine for the clinic to take that step and protect their employee from this uninvited and unsolicited advance. They have no idea that OP’s intentions were pure, silly even in her own mind, but doctor/patient relationships, insurance, liability and medicine are delicate. Do I think all clinics would have gone that far? No, probably not. But, I don’t fault them at all.

        OP, you live and you learn. Dust yourself off and get back out there when you’re ready. And maybe seek advice from different friends next time!

        • Anon NYC

          Yep! I would applaud their ethics in kicking you out of the practice given the risks posed by a doctor dating a patient. Plus, the resident sounds like a stand up guy for reporting it! It was the right thing to do. However, you shoot your shot. Don’t feel bad about it. I’d be more upset about having to find a new doctors office.

    • Anonymous

      oh my god I’m so sorry!!! that seems like an overreaction from the clinic.

    • Anonymous

      Leaving the comfort food and junk TV of your choice beside your rock.

      I wouldn’t have realized how big a rule you were breaking either, and the practice’s reaction strikes me as surprisingly extreme.

      • Anon

        Workplaces can be liable for sexual harassment by customers if they let it go on, so it’s probably an abundance of caution.

      • Anon

        I thought the responses were very extreme too and indicative of a world that’s too online.

        • Anon

          “Too online” – I’m sorry you seem to think none of us have experienced sexual harassment at work, but statistically, the majority of us have.

          • Anon

            Not the Anon above. I think the advice was “too online.”

            People meet each other outside of apps. The question is, what are the proper and improper ways to express romantic interest? Rather than castigating her, better advice would have been on how to handle that type of attraction.

          • Numbersmouse

            How to handle that type of attraction: realise you’re not meant to date every attractive person you come across and move on.

        • Anon

          I said this on the original thread but I feel like the generational gap actually goes the other way. I’m 39 and didn’t grow up with social media and I would be really freaked out if a professional contact found my personal facebook page which is pretty locked down and only contains people in my social circle (either close friends or people I have lots of mutual friends with). But a lot of Gen Z seem more comfortable with following someone on social media after a very brief in person interaction.

        • Anonymous

          As someone who has faced unwanted contact by clients outside of work, I promise we are not ‘too online’. Harassment is not cool.

          • anon

            One message may constitute an unwanted advance. Unwanted advances in/around/tangential to a workplace are never appropriate. Don’t be obtuse.

          • Anon

            Pretty sure you don’t get to decide the number of messages that constitutes harassment, Anon at 4:05.

          • Anon

            Finding his social media account and contacting him is certainly at least teetering on some sort of line that can be construed as harassment. As I said on the original post, I would find it creepy to be contacted like that by someone I’d had contact with at work.

          • Anon

            From a legal perspective, Anon at 4:05 PM is correct.

            From the EEOC:
            “Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted).”

            From what I recall, one incident can be harassment if it is sufficiently horrific; however, one single request for a date that is not connected to and adverse employment decision is not usually considered to be harassment.

        • Anonymous

          I thought quite the opposite. A world too online assumes sending a DM that ignores professional boundaries is NBD. There are very real risks to him and the practice. I’m really sorry this happened to OP. But the responses weren’t “extreme” when so many literally predicted this outcome.

          • anon

            Yes – if he had accepted, it could have been damaging to him / his reputation /the clinic if it got out.

            Some people here just don’t seem to realize the intimacy of what is going on in a doctor’s office. It doesn’t matter if it is the attending doctor, the resident, or a junior medical student on the team. They are all reading your medical history, looking at your records and test results, asking you intimate questions, maybe examining you partially unclothed, and then talking about everything together about you together (out of your hearing….) for your benefit. He may actually know things about you that you don’t even know/realize! It is a very delicate interaction, and very clear boundaries have to be there for protection of both sides. Trust is key.

            And he may have been flirting with you (totally not a good look for him, if so), or you may have been misreading the cues of a young doctor trying to be kinds/friendly. Many people are overly talky at the doctor’s office because they are nervous. I’m one of them, when I am a patient.

            So it is not the same as asking out someone you cross paths with in your lawyer’s office or your mechanic’s assistant. Although maybe those are questionable too…

            The cyberstalking or whatever term you want to use after…. ?finding out his full name somehow (?), finding his personal social media accounts, messaging him… well, that’s a whole different issue that you guys can debate as you are. But of course, this is why as a woman doctor I would never have any social media in my name, open to the public.

    • Anon

      I’m sorry! I get why you would have thought it wasn’t a big deal but I also understand the practice having a no tolerance policy.
      I have a friend who is an emergency room physician and she says the rates of sexual harrasment/abuse of doctors and nurses is alarmingly high and security is very strict as they obviously can’t turn away patients in an ER. The practice also doesn’t want to/can’t afford to risk a harrasment lawsuit.

      • Anon

        My sister is a nurse and what you said is consistent with what she’s told me.

      • anon

        This is an unfortunate truth. My sister is a nurse and has been s3xually assaulted by a patient. Being a patient does not make it any better or lessen the impact on the victim, I can tell you.

    • Anonymous

      Oh wow. I was one of the ones who thought it was NBD to reach out to him and if he wanted to ignore you, he would. Would never have expected that this would be the clinic’s reaction. I guess they just have a hard and fast policy probably due to some harassment type of thing that has happened before. I imagine this resident was scared enough that he’d get caught up in something or get accused of something even though he wasn’t the one who reached out – that he reported it just to cover himself.

      But whatever. You NEVER have to see these people again. You’ll find different doctors. It’s not like this is like a coworker you have to see Monday. So wallow this weekend and move on.

      • Anon

        Or maybe it was truly unwelcome contact and he turned it over to the head of practice. Sorry to say, in his shoes, I’d have done the same.

        • Anon.

          So, in his shoes, you would act like you don’t have words to use? A grown up professional can say, “Thank you for the interest but this kind of contact is not appropriate.” And move on.

          • Numbersmouse

            Actually, a grown up professional would follow the established procedure for how to deal with unwanted contact. Which is what he appears to have done.

    • Anon

      Wow I am genuinely shocked by the clinic’s response here. I was with you and did not think you were breaking any social rules. I hope you can turn this into a funny story eventually and that it doesn’t deter you from asking guys out in the future, under different circumstances of course. I think most of the time guys appreciate when women ask them out, because it is exhausting to always be the one to do the asking.

    • Anon

      Yikes, I’m really sorry too. I’m the professor who said that it was a bad idea just because of my own knowledge of how student-teacher relationships are handled, but I still wouldn’t have guessed they’d go that far. I probably would have reported something like this too, though, not because I was actually that offended, but just out of paranoia and feeling like I had to make sure I couldn’t later be accused of having done something inappropriate. Unfortunately a lot of professors and doctors HAVE done inappropriate things with students and patients, and now we live in a state of paranoia and litigiousness. So if it makes you feel any better, even if you didn’t mean any harm, you can maybe think of it as part of avoiding all the terrible things that used to be accepted as perfectly normal but ruined a lot of people’s (mostly women’s) lives.

      • Anon

        Yup. I assume he reported it not because he was freaked out but because he wanted to cover his a$$ in case you turned out to later allege he did something inappropriate. It’s understandable but also not something I’d take personally.

        • Anon

          Uh, or he was actually freaked out because it was a weird and inappropriate thing to do.

          • Anon

            I’m not piling on OP! I’m piling on all the people still arguing that it’s okay to do this kind of thing. Ffs.

          • Anon

            I’m the 4:06 poster and I didn’t say it was an ok thing for her to do. It’s not, but I think OP clearly got that message from the doctor’s office response. I’m just saying that I think the odds are high that he’s doing this out of caution because he doesn’t want to run the risk of being accused of doing anything inappropriate, because as a professor I would feel the same way.

          • Anon.

            Online profiles are out there for a reason. There is nother wrong with what she did and you are literally insane. It is really sad that people can’t act like normal human beings anymore. OP is fine and should brush it off.

    • Anon

      I think it’s a sad state of the world that the clinic responded that way and I think you did nothing wrong. I think you should be proud of yourself for going for what you wanted and I hope this doesn’t stop you from doing that in the future.

      • Anon

        Dude you are one of the people who need to learn the lesson along with OP. Stop telling people this was ok. It clearly wasn’t and will not be appropriate for anyone else.

        • Anon

          +1,000. Good for the clinic for taking proactive steps to protect their employees. No one should have to deal with overtures at their place of work or have their disclosure of name/identity be used in ways they are not intending.

      • Anonymous

        3:32–You sound young. Maybe after you’ve had a bunch of unwelcome overtures, you’ll get it. I hope you don’t have to learn that way. The word is much, much better than what it used to be when I was early in my career.

        • Anonymous

          Interesting. My reaction is the opposite. I think all those reacting as if one message is “stalking” and “harassing” seem very young and naive and overly sensitive.

          • Anon

            Yeah, lol, I’m 3:32 and am definitively an “old” – this whole thing is just a very 2024 approach to liability and doesn’t reflect how humans interacted with each other for hundreds of years before now. I think the outrage is coming from younger people who are a lot more easily triggered. I’ve had plenty of overtures in my life, wanted and unwanted, and I handled them all without this level of agitation.

          • Anonymous

            @6:04 – Right? And back in the day, our numbers and home addresses were published in the white pages and we didn’t always have Caller ID to know who was on the other end of the line when we picked up the phone. Learning how to navigate an unpredictable world, how to distinguish benign from malignant, an approach from harassment, was just part of surviving and thriving.

            And now I am realizing that this new framework is the reason the man I met at a seminar, who is clearly interested, won’t ask me out. I guess he’s waiting for me to match with him on an app, click on the “it’s okay to reach out to me” button, so he can then do the same, so I can then agree he can contact me, so he can eventually ask me out, and I can eventually agree to meet him even though we’ve already met. But I don’t do apps other than LinkedIn, which is where he’s sent all his awkward messages inviting me to invite him to lunch.

          • Anon

            6:04 exactly. Spot on. You used to just know how to deal with people, the good and the bad. It wasn’t all a big drama. And I hope you get together with conference dude!

          • Anonymous

            Don’t be obtuse. Big difference when you willingly exchange info and where there is no power dynamic or potential for workplace discipline.

            This isn’t a “snowflake doesn’t know how to communicate” issue. There is a reason why folks predicted she could be dropped as a patient and that ultimately occurred. Has nothing to do with why some guy from a seminar didn’t ask you out.

          • Anonymous

            Um, no. She has the potential to affect his career and the practice. The power dynamic is EXACTLY why the clinic dropped her.

      • Anon

        OP I imagine you are at the bar right now showing this threadjack to your friends, and they think all of us are crazy

          • Anon.

            That does not mean that the office is not responding to the literal insanity of our litigious society. Still cray cray and OP should not be ashamed.

        • Anon

          OP here. I wish. I have been crying off and on tonight at home. Every dumb thing I’ve ever done has just come flooding back. I’m really not okay.

          • AllieS

            Hey OP – it sounds like you’re shame spiraling. I’ve been there. It’s painful. I recommend you look up Brene Brown. She does great work on guilt and shame and vulnerability and human connection. Maybe you’ve read or listened to her work already but I think it is just what you need right now. If you’re only going to read/listen to/re-read one, I’d recommend “Rising Strong”. Please be kind to yourself.

            I promise you, it gets better.

          • Anon

            Aww sweetie, I hope in the light of a new day you realize it was a mistake, but not a life altering one, and you can move on and not have it consume your thoughts.

          • Anon.

            You is kind! You is Smart! You is Important! And you is worthy of love and respect!

    • Anon

      Aw girl, I’m sorry! Please remember you literally never have to see anyone at that clinic ever again, and you’re basically anonymous to them. The situation can stop existing the second you put it out of your mind.

      I will say, as someone who felt it wasn’t appropriate, I would like to again reiterate to the commenters who called me weird, crazy, and socially stunted, that we should respect men and women at the workplace. If it would be inappropriate to do to a woman, don’t do it to a man. People are at work and they shouldn’t have to deal with overtures, especially in a context as sensitive as a doctor’s office.

      Take this as evidence that the nay-sayers’ gut instinct was right, and that these boundaries exist in order to protect people, not because we are socially stunted losers who don’t believe in love.

    • Anon

      Hug. Spend the weekend under the rock, then come out again.

      I hope this comes across the at I’m intending (kindly): the advice I always give to people is to be judicious about who you take your advice from. Sounds completely logical, right?

      Some friends are going to give awful career advice but brilliant live advice, or vice versa. Some are deep down convinced that rom-coms reflect real life (and would not actually be awful if implemented). Some give advice so backwards that you just do a 180 of whatever it is. Some are sporadic, because it’s all through the lens of their own issues.

      (This is why I have friends who are a generation older than I am – they “get it” in ways I didn’t when I was young.)

      This doesn’t always correlate to whose life is going well in those areas, either! Some people are just terrible at taking their own advice. Some people would never take the advice they ran down other people’s throats.

      Don’t be hard on yourself. Lesson learned.

    • Anonymous

      I’m a physician. Don’t take this personally. There’s this whole code of ethics with patient physician relationships. It’s a big no no.

      When I read your original post, they first thing I thought was actually if he went out with you, that’s a red flag for him.

      Having been a med student once, he’s got plenty of fellow med students and residents to date. For him to initiate something with a patient he met in clinic would be highly concerning. Kicked out of med school level concerning.

      You just didn’t know this. Not a big deal.

      • Anon

        IME practices are very loose with ethics when it suits them. I regularly have practices not protect my personal data adequately, to name just one thing, and I previously posted here about my husband’s doctor refusing to see him after hearing he had obtained a second opinion elsewhere. That’s not to mention the general belittlement I frequently get when mentioning my pain or symptoms as a woman.

        • Anon

          Your examples aren’t helpful here. Doctors’ offices and hospitals should protect their doctors from overtures from patients in order to be compliant. Just because you have had bad experiences with doctors doesn’t mean that these ethics guidelines are meaningless.

        • Anon

          I imagine there are both pros and cons to a code of ethics that treats patients as a whole different category of human from fellow med students and residents!

        • Anon

          You’re really making this about yourself @4:04 and your examples have nothing to do with OP.

          • Anon

            I really do think it’s ethically problematic to draw too a strong distinction between patients and peers. Medical students and residents who have fallen ill and become patients themselves have written a lot about this. The fact that many residents still find Samuel Shem’s House of God relatable in 2024 says a lot too.

      • Cat

        Thanks for this.

        I think people need to separate (1) those who did understand the intricacies of the ethics here and think it should be obvious to everyone, which it’s not, and (2) whether looking up someone’s social to shoot your shot is per se stalkerish.

        Obviously there’s a range of opinions on (2)…

        • Anon

          Agreed. A much better analogy would be the OP took her car in for a repair, met a cute mechanic at the shop and found him on instagram and sent him a DM. I highly doubt there’d be anywhere near this level of outrage.

        • Anon79

          This is such an excellent breakdown of the struggle. To me, a layman/not a doc/lawyer, it’s not immediately blaringly obvious that the doc “had to” turn her down in such a way or that the patient is pearl-clutching-ly wrong and why, and it’s a little jarring and odd to see people acting like anyone who doesn’t immediately grasp that is obtuse or stalkers or both.

          I’m really on the fence if finding a public social media account and DM’ing is “stalking” as well. It’s perhaps a bridge too far, but even when I reverse the genders, *as long as the asker backs off immediately and never bothers the person again* I don’t think a single ask is “stalking”. It’s…maybe not the wisest, most careful approach but I can see where the OP’s train of thought was going.

      • Anon

        Yes. This. Red flag if he had accepted. He was doing the proper thing by reporting it because even a hint of him dating a patient could sink his future career.

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry! FWIW, I wouldn’t have done it myself since I tend to be cautious about that kind of thing, but I absolutely did not think it was a big deal at all and am shocked the clinic responded so forcefully. Would never have predicted that and I think they’re way overreacting.

    • Anon

      OP, I’m sorry, it really sucks to mess up like that. I know it doesn’t feel good. Everybody does it! The good news is, nobody else will ever need to know about this mistake and I’m sure you’ve learned from it.

      Everyone else, I can’t believe how many people here are still saying it’s okay.

      • Anon

        I think (some) people are just being gentle with OP. As for the others, well, I think they would have been laughing and jeering while the “witches” were being burned.

      • Anonymous

        I think the people who think it’s okay have never faced workplace harassment.

        When I was a 19 year old receptionist my boss’ best friend, and a client of the company, cornered me at my reception desk to tell me he admired me and other wild stuff. My boss severed both his professional and personal relationship with the man when I told him. I was so lucky my boss was a stand up guy.

        • Anon

          +1,000. I have dealt with so many unwanted overtures in my career, and it’s caused incredible amounts of stress. If this guy was handsome enough for OP to track him down after barely meeting, he is probably used to dealing with this frequently too, even if less than a woman in the same role. Everyone deserves to feel comfortable and safe from harassment at their job.

        • Anon

          I am so happy for you that your boss responded in that way. My boss did not. “Important client” and all that.

        • Anonymous

          I’m sorry that happened to you, but being cornered in person by an older man as a 19 year old is different than getting a DM from a person of similar age. Even Baby Reindeer would’ve stopped if he hadn’t responded. You’re comparing apples and oranges.

          • Anonymous

            If he messaged me online I probably would have wiped all profiles from the internet and felt incredibly unsafe.

          • Anonymous

            Having to continue to work there and not knowing who could show up or whether his socials are being monitored is still creepy. Apples and apples. He can’t easily leave and didn’t ask to have to feel that way.

          • Anon

            For all we know, he wanted to accept the date and ran it by his superior and got shot down.

          • Anonymous

            Or he absolutely didn’t appreciate a stranger doing that and found it inappropriate and creepy. Or his employer is wondering what he did to encourage and now he’s worried about that. You still don’t get it, do you?

      • Anonymous

        Everyone else is dense. OP sounds like a very nice person. The practice had no way to know that so erred on the side of employee safety. Lesson learnrd.

    • Anon

      OP, I am so sorry. I didn’t participate in the discussion the other day, but I was rooting for you. I am just imagining how you feel right now and I wish I could give you a big hug.

      • anon

        +1 Me too. Thanks for updating us. Please accept some support and positive vibes from an Internet stranger.

    • Anon

      It was inappropriate but let’s be real – examples others are posting about when men cornered them at work aren’t analogous. A woman contacting a man on social media in this way is crossing a professional barrier, but it’s not going to result in him getting stalked and maybe killed if he says no. Men hitting on women against their will is a completely, COMPLETELY different risk.

        • Anon

          Not to say that I’m 100% comfortable with OP tracking down this doctor’s socials, but this feels like a false equivalence.
          1. Women are not the ones who have been doing this systematically to men for decades (and maybe longer) in all kinds of professional contexts. MeToo?
          2. While I recognize there may be unhinged women out there, there’s no way the risk of violent assault from stalking is anywhere near the same in both situations.
          3. Do you not wonder, even a little, if the practice would be defending a young nurse as vigorously as it is a male resident?

      • Anon

        Because it was not OK conduct in the first place, which OP has learned the hard way. The people egging her on when most of us predicted and unfavorable outcome were the dumpster fire – stop encouraging other women to behave this way. You’re not helping them.

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry, OP. I don’t think you had ANY bad intentions in any way, but you have been caught smack in the middle between societies romcom shit and workplace ethics. I’m sorry. Please don’t feel too bad, please just shrug and move on.

      There is a massive, terrible lie in societal mythology about how to express sexual or romantic interest in other people. There is a whole industry of SHITTY romcoms that have the message that “serendipity”, “meet cute”, obsessive behaviour or full-on stalking is somehow “romantic”. It’s SHIT. It’s a lie. Stalking is not romatiic.

      It’s not cute to stalk someone, but there are SO MANY ROM-COMS. It’s terrible. Stalking behavior is often considered romantic in current conversations, and it’s such a powerful way to hinder and suppress women.

      The reaction from the doctor’s office is great. Its very hurtful to YOU, but it’s s a fantastic thing for every other single person who works there and who needs their environment to be safe.

      Please remember that you “pushed a red button” without meaning to. It would be fantastic if you could react by becoming an ally to other health care providers who operate in uncertainty.

      • Anon

        She didn’t come even sort of close to stalking anyone. This thread is hysterical but let’s all take a step back and acknowledge it for what it was: an inappropriate move the clinic needed to respond to but not a dangerous, unhinged action.

        • Anon

          This. She didn’t sign a lease in an apartment building.

          Not everything inappropriate is stalking.

        • Anonymous

          The clinic doesn’t know that she’s not a stalker. We know because she’s told us she was just hoping for a date. For all the clinic knows the first contact was just the beginig and she could be a baby reigndeer type nut. Thats why they sent the letter.

    • Seventh Sister

      No need to be under a rock, there are so so many people who have done so many things that are affirmatively worse than asking someone out. Live and learn.

    • Anonymous

      Im so sorry but don’t beat yourself up. I admire you. You took a shot at something. This time it did not work out but its a much better in general to try than to do nothing.

    • Anon

      OP, you’re really brave to post that update here. Thank you. A lot of us have learned a lot from this discussion. Now, do something indulgent for yourself this weekend!

      • Anon

        This! Thank you OP for the update. This will be a funny story someday, I hope!

    • Anon

      Thanks for sharing this update, even though it’s upsetting to you.

      I absolutely would have done something like this when I was younger and didn’t understand things like professional ethics codes (lawyer and mid-life now, I get it). My friends then also would have encouraged me to do this. And what someone said above about these terrible rom coms normalizing this behavior is spot on.

      Anywho, live and learn. As has already been said, you never have to see these people again and I promise this will be old news asap. Most of the people in this office couldn’t even identify you by name or face. This is not an indication you’re a bad person or anything like that. It was a mistake. We all make them. You’re human. Treat yourself with some kindness. Now you know.

      For those who are losing it about looking people up on socials. You can not like it, but it happens all the time. Most people don’t act on it, but people are so careless with what they put out there, it often takes one search to find someone’s socials. I am not condoning reaching out like the OP did, but it’s not stalking to simply use Google and look up someone FFS.

    • Anon

      I’m a physician. During my residency, one of my patients began stalking me, sometimes leaving >20 voicemails for me overnight. Often he was just chanting my name repeatedly. I found posts in his name about me on several online forums, including one where he described a plan for the two of us getting married on a specific date. It was frightening. I had recently moved to a new city to start my residency, and I knew no one except my fellow residents. I ended up going to court to get a protection order against him, paid for out of my own pocket. My residency program did nothing to support or protect me. So while the clinic’s actions might seem excessive, they may have a policy on this sort of thing, for good reason.

      • anon

        Ugh. I’m so sorry you experienced that. It is really traumatic, especially when it occurs so early in your training.

        I was also stalked by one of older male patients, who was mentally unstable, and left me screaming messages on my phone and knew where I lived. It was really terrifying. I never told my program. Maybe I mentioned it to one attending (male) who just brushed it off, so that was bad too. I thought… what could they do anyway? Instead, I asked one of my male doctor friends to take over his care, and he told the patient I had moved out of state. It stopped.

        We are trained (some better than others!) as doctors how to listen, be kind/empathic, knowing so many people come to the doctor vulnerable/scared. It is a real problem when people falsely interpret that relationship as something more. And of course a lot of people have anxiety/depression/other mental illness… especially in the population coming to see doctors. Which sometimes blurs lines in patients’ minds even more.

        And definitely male doctors get stalked too!

      • Anonymous

        What a terrible experience. I am so glad OP didn’t engage in any comparable behavior.

        • Anon

          Nobody is saying she did, but the whole freaking point is the doctor and his office have no idea whether she would or not.

          • Anon

            Once upon a time the doctor’s office would have just told OP she can’t ask the doctors out on a date. They wouldn’t have reacted in such an extreme manner right off the bat. It’s just a sign of the times that they acted the way they did, but it’s not actually calibrated to the situation.

          • Anon

            I don’t think OP needs to continue beating herself up about this because mistakes happen, but it’s pretty reasonable of the doctor’s office to respond the way they did and I’m kind of baffled by the people who say they’re overreacting, even if you think OP did nothing wrong. There’s no way for them to know whether she would escalate it to stalking/harassment, and the office is objectively doing the right thing by protecting their employees, even if she has no bad intentions — they can’t know that! As someone said upthread, hopefully they’d do the same thing if a young female nurse was asked out on a date by a patient.

        • Anon

          I’m the poster at 7:54. I didn’t say that OP engaged in any of those behaviors. I’m explaining why clinics have strict policies in place to protect their employees. I genuinely had PTSD for several years afterwards, and sometimes I still panic if I see a stranger who resembles that patient. It’s been almost 20 years. And yes, men absolutely get stalked by women. As another poster mentioned, the empathy of a caring bedside manner can easily be misconstrued as something more, especially if there are underlying emotional issues. I do not think that the OP deserves punishment or ridicule or anything of the sort. I was just trying to give some context and a very personal, painful, and expensive example as to why these policies exist.

    • Anonymous

      Awe… Hugs. Don’t feel bad. The AMA website has a whole ethics section explaining why doctor patient relationships are forbidden.. You didn’t know. It was nothing personal.

      • Anonymous

        Yup. Just like the bar has rules around this. My firm’s clients don’t read those rules. So when occasionally one asks me out, I decline, explaining that there is a bar rule that prevents such relationships. It’s always been the end of the discussion. If it weren’t, I’d have to decide how to respond in a more effective way.

  6. anon

    This month has been a doozy, and I’m mentally and emotionally worn out. Would love some ideas for some feel-good TV to watch this weekend.

    • Anon

      Ted Lasso is like modern day Mr. Rogers for grown ups. Even if you have seen it already, I would not hesitate to get comfy and have a binge rerun fest.

    • Anon

      Piggybacking on this, does anyone have a rec for a good film set in medieval England? I’ve been on a historical fiction kick lately and moving onto a decent film sounds good for this weekend.

      • Anon

        Kingdom of Heaven is actually good; 13th Warrior is not great but fun. The Green Knight is an interesting adaptation of the 14th century poem.

        1948 Joan of Arc is good; The Messenger is not great.

        Fun/ridiculous: A Knight’s Tale; Your Highness (a really dumb one)

        • Anon

          Oh, sorry — I didn’t get specific about medieval England. For that, The Green Knight; King Arthur; Outlaw King.

        • Anon

          I worked at a law firm where on point Monty Python quotations were the order of the day. Miss it!

      • Anonymous

        I liked the recent film adaptation of Catherine Called Birdy. Both medieval and feel good! Otherwise, I always get a kick out of the 90s era of medieval movies: First Knight, Robin Hood, etc.

    • Anon

      I love a good Law & Order SVU marathon. The “feel good” part is that they pretty much always put the perp behind bars at the end. Plus Olivia Benson is the best.

      • Anon

        +1. A friend asked me how I could stand the violence on SVU and the reason is because the perp goes behind bars. It’s satisfying.

    • anon for this

      I always go to Parks & Rec for a television hug.

      I also enjoy The Diplomat for a refreshing portrayal of a woman of influence.

      Or Fleabag is always a delight.

      • Anon

        I love The Diplomat when she’s seething mad at her husband. I feel you, babe!

    • Anon

      Emily in Paris is delightfully frothy with very low stakes. Otherwise, the Good Place and Schitt’s creek are my go-to comfort watches. If you need even lower stakes:
      Blown Away, The Repair Shop, Somebody Feed Phil, Ghosts (US version), Home Economics, Nailed It!, and the Great British Baking show.

    • anon

      I’ve been enjoying Brooklyn Nine Nine and Parks & Rec. Tacoma FD is funny too. I’m Gen X and Friends is one of my comfort shows.

    • Anan

      Lately I’ve been loving Starstruck and Sort Of on Max.
      What I really want to watch right now though is the original Anne of Green Gables from CBC.

      • Anonymous

        Based on you comment I looked up Anne of Green Gables on CBC Gem….. IT’S NOT THERE. I’m deeply offended, such an integral part of Canadian culture.

        • Anonymous Canadian

          I believe Anne of Green Gables is owned by Sullivan Entertainment, not the CBC unfortunately. You can go to AnneofGreenGables dot com and rent or buy all the films, though. Even though they aren’t true to the books (which are my comfort reads), I LOVE them.

    • Anonymous

      When I truly did not want anything negative in a show, I rely on Great British Baking Show and Life In Pieces and Emily In Paris. Virgin River and Sweet Magnolias are also pretty much pablum with a few “dark” storylines thrown in. I also laughed out loud multiple times watching this last season of Loot. And when my dogs died, I spent weeks watching only comedy specials.

    • Miss Marple

      Second the rec for Abbott Elementary. And Fiske on Netflix – funny show about a single older female attorney with great writing and acting.

    • Anon

      Only Murders In The Building is a great show to watch around this time of year

    • Anon

      Midsomer Murders is the ultimate comfort watch show. Theres about 8 billion episodes, the bad guy always gets caught, and borders on over wraught in just the right ways.

      A harder to find show, but who couldnt use some Judy Dench when they need a pick me up is As Time Goes By.

      Stardust is seasonally appropriate and a favorite.

      If you enjoy animation or anime, Fruits Basket, and Inuyasha are both lighter hearted classic options.

      Kiki’s Delivery Service and My Neighbor Totoro are like warm hugs.

      Bobs Burgers.

      I just finished Bodkin on Netflix, if you like a murder mysteries and small Irish village shenangians. Derry Girls’ first 2 seasons get me laughing.

  7. Interview Help

    I have a fairly high stakes interview next week for a massive private non-law firm. I’m not quite 20 years in to my career fwiw, so it’s not entry level by any means. It’s not a consulting job but they have a consulting arm, if that matters. It’s a pretty prestigious firm in my employment circle/industry. I really didn’t expect to get past the first interview – I’m fairly intimidated, tbh. Everyone there went to Princeton, Yale, Harvard MBAs. I….. did not.

    I did 60 minutes with the direct hiring manager/partner two weeks ago as a first round interview. This coming week it’s 60 minutes with the division’s head of HR. What could I possibly do with HR for 60 minutes over Zoom?! The recruiter who plugged me in is going to prep me on Monday, but still. I’m trying to use some downtime this weekend to get ahead as much as I can. Should I just plan for all of the “tell me about a time you…” type scenarios?

    Also, the wicked imposter syndrome troll that sits on my shoulder tells me this is an interview check-the-box before they cut me loose. That’s unlikely, right? The head of HR wouldn’t spend 60 minutes on me if that was the case?

    Oof. I’ll take any and all thoughts. May repost Monday after connecting with recruiter. TIA!

    • Anon

      I’d spend some time this weekend prepping for the ‘tell me about a time when you…’ questions and use it to psych yourself up! You’ve obviously achieved a lot in your career if you got the interview and made it this far.
      Also remind yourself this is a two way street! They could be the most prestigious firm in the world and still not be the right fit for you. Prep some questions for them to make sure you understand their culture and metrics and that you want to join this team. I’m sure you’ll do awesome!!

    • Anonymous

      I went to those schools, I knew some great folks, and some real duds. I worked in those spaces, I knew some great folks and some real duds.

      You are mid career, you have made your name based on your ability. Tell the inner troll this outside validator thinks it should go back under its bridge.

    • Anonymous

      Congrats on being sought after for this. Don’t be intimidated; people who dropped of college have been as successful in industry as people who arrived via the velvet rope. Practice selling your unique skills and experiences.

    • Anon

      I find that the interview with the head honcho is a time for you to ask questions more than them to grill you. You’ve already passed the grilling. The head of office isn’t going to see an unqualified candidate.

      I’d think of some really good questions that show you understand the position and want to know more about the company and its plans/goals/future. Shows you’re willing to help them pursue those goals.

    • planes

      I am sending you all the good vibes!!! And also a reminder that 20 years into your career, they care about your skills, reputation, and the impact you’re going to have on the organization, and not what school you went to. By way of example, I am 15 years into being a lawyer, and all the big firms that never would have hired me out of law school are knocking down the door now. You are SO SO SO much more than where you went to school.

  8. anon

    I have a lot of ruddiness in my complexion. Good skincare has not fixed this; it’s just always been a thing for me. I’ve worn a medium coverage foundation since my 20s. Now that I’m in my mid-40s, I am absolutely hating how foundation looks on me, but I also really don’t like the bare faced look. Is there some magic product that can help even out my skin and provide some coverage without settling into my pores and fine lines? I haven’t had great luck with BB or CC creams. Usually they have no coverage whatsoever and make me look greasy.

    • Anon

      It may be rosacea or inflammation. Try zinc oxide to reduce the inflammation.

    • Anon

      Are you sure you don’t have rosacea? It can cause redness and uneven skin texture and can be treated. Perhaps a trip to the dermatologist to check!

      • anon

        Oh, I do! I haven’t had an outbreak in ages but I used to have them often enough that the evidence is still there, in the form of reddened capillaries and large pores on my cheeks.

        • anon

          Agree with the other poster that you deserve a trip to the dermatologist.

          Are you using prescription retinoid? There are several contributors to redness/rosacea, so it is worth finding a decent dermatologist. Along with quieting you can see if laser is something you would appreciate.

    • Anon

      I have the same issue and my favorite product is the It Cosmetics Bye Bye Redness cream. I also like Dr Jarts Cicapair, but only wear it under foundation.

    • Anon

      I have rosacea/ruddiness. A roseacea prescription formula from Curology has really helped. I have failed most foundations because they don’t lie well on my skin (believe me I’ve tried them all, have a running list on my phone!) and the one that helps even out my redness but doesn’t give me cakey coverage is Dr Jart Premium BB cream. I use one to two pumps, usually one, applied with a brush. I really like it.

    • Anonymous

      Talk to your dermatologist. Consider: Retinol in the evening. VitC in the morning. Sunscreen daily. Will take a few months to see results.

    • Anon

      For an actual foundation answer, try the Laura Geller powder foundation that you sweep on with the brush that comes with it. It doesn’t settle in lines but provides that wash of coverage like a BB/CC does. (And it’s quicker to get out the door, I feel like.)

  9. Anonymous

    Sorry if this posts more than once I got a weird error message –

    How do I describe this concept: I’m trying to train admin assistants and associates to not make me a logjam to getting ish done. It might be something like, I’ve asked assistant to schedule a meeting with a bunch of people. She sends out a poll and only one time works for everyone. Instead of scheduling the meeting, she’ll email me to confirm whether she should schedule the meeting. Meanwhile I get thousands of emails a day, I’m not expecting anyone to ask me a follow up to this task because I’ve already given my availability and told her to schedule it, and I don’t realize she’s been waiting on me until a couple of days later when everyone’s availability has changed. Or, I have standing orders that filing/tech/etc. charges under $1000 do not require approval from me. I’ve asked an associate to order a transcript, which is under $1k. Associate asks an admin, admin emails us to ask if the charge is approved. No one orders the transcript because they’re all waiting on me to respond “approved.” This is not required by firm policy.

    I’ve tried to explain this concept to people every way I know how, but they look at me like I’ve sprouted an extra head. “It takes 2 seconds to respond to an email what’s the problem?” The problem is I received dozens of emails within 10 minutes of yours, many from clients or the court which require immediate action. Emailing me about every little task creates more impediments to getting stuff done and it overwhelms my inbox even more than it already is. If I ask you to do a thing please do it, don’t play 20 questions with me about whether you should do the thing. I can’t seem to get through to people and I’m starting to wonder if my grasp of the English language is as strong as I thought it was. Am I the problem?

    • Anonymous

      Does the admin have full access to your inbox and calendar? If not I suspect that’s the problem.

    • Anon

      It doesn’t sound like you’re the problem, unless you’re being too passive in asking for these things. Be direct and clear, and follow up if need be:

      “I don’t want the logjam of extra steps, so you need to go ahead and schedule the meeting once you figure out a time or order the transcript without a second approval.”

      Then, if/when things fall through because they were waiting for approval: “I’m not clear what’s getting lost in translation here. Please do not add a layer of email, regardless how harmless you think it is.”

      Then, if/when things fall through again, that’s a bigger conversation about whether they’re right of the position.

    • Anonymous

      I do admin work for a busy person, and here are reasons that would have me acting the way the admin person is:

      • You gave me that meeting time, but it’s been a while since you gave me the time, and I don’t know if it still works for you or if you booked over it. Or I see you have 5 other meetings around it and don’t know if you want 6 back-to-back meetings that day. Or I don’t actually KNOW that I have authority to make these decisions.

      • Associate asked me about the transcript/charge, and I don’t know if associate has authority to do it, or if it’s under your umbrella, or if it’s something YOU want.

      Both of these might be solved not by talking about logjams and email habits, but by fully empowering the admins to exercise initiative and authority.

      • Anon

        I have also been an admin to a busy person and unless OP is lying, I can see the OP already answered those questions. Inaction and timidity on the admin’s part is the problem. I think the OP needs to make it crystal clear that this needs to stop, that the admin seeking redundant direction and handholding is not okay and if it does not change, the OP needs to find a better admin fit.

      • Anon

        I’m an admin to a busy person and lead an admin team. I just do things, but I’m also willing to take the lumps if I’m wrong. Some admins are just not willing to make a decision and be wrong. It’s very personality based.

    • eh230

      I have a variation on this that I spend too much time thinking about. I delegate a lot of things to my direct reports and give them full authority over the projects. If I want them to check in first about something, I tell them that in advance. Despite this, they always send things to me before sending them out, and I just don’t have time to read and approve. If I had the time, I probably would have done the task myself. I am also getting to the point where I get frustrated by the lack of initiation and critical thinking sometimes. I get that not everyone is like me and that my reports are not as experienced, but they should not just be waiting for me to tell them what to do. I don’t have a solution, but. you are not alone!

    • Elle

      Responding late:
      In my organization we frame this concept in terms of decision space. maybe try clearly articulating what your admin and associates’ decision space is relative to your own. “all purchases beneath $X threshold is your decision space. if you make a mistake while following my guidance, I will have your back.” The later part is key. If people feel like you will support them, they will be more willing to take initiative.

      • Meredith

        This! After an older male boss who liked to be in the weeds and was quite vocal when mistakes were made, it took awhile of me biting my tongue as long as things were ‘good enough’ and happily shouldering the blame when things went wrong for our admin team to exercise their decision making span. 18 months on we are there but we all had to develop trust in how things would work. Also trying to be a bit light-hearted along the way (pointing out stuff like with menus for events, as long as it stayed in budget I didn’t need to see it, thanks to allergies I eat like a toddler with a love of fancy cheese, I couldn’t add to their choices).

    • Cat

      do you ever grumble about stuff later, undercutting your previous instructions? Like you might say “pick whatever time is earliest” and a week later be venting about your back-to-back day? Or the client pushes back on a bill and so you question what all the expenses were for?

      That kind of thing might lead people to think what you say isn’t what you actually want, and to try to get ahead of it with the follow-ups.

      • Anon

        Yup, this. Maybe this admin isn’t a good fit, idk, but maybe she’s responding to your signals.

    • Anon.

      How do you behave if they just DO THE THING, and it wasn’t what you wanted? The question for me is whether they are fearful of screwing up

  10. Anon

    I want to address all the commenters trying to insist it’s okay to hit on a resident after meeting him at a physicians’ office or hospital.

    Imagine your daughter has studied for years to get into medical school and is working so difficult to provide good patient care as a resident. Now imagine that, after interacting with a man in a patients’ room in passing, he looks intently at her name tag, remembers her name, searches her name online, finds her private social media account, and friend requests her in order to ask her out. He is a patient at her place of work, and she will have to interact with him whenever he comes in for treatment. She will have to worry about him reading her warmth or bedside manner as clues of her interest, or has to worry about how she’s behaving. Likely, she will feel uncomfortable and on edge at her workplace. Now imagine that this type of thing routinely happens to her because it’s culturally normalized, and she is constantly having to sidestep overtures and be uncomfortable, when all she wants is to provide good patient care.

    I have spent my entire working life dealing with unwanted advances, and it has added a layer of untold stress to what is already a stressful role. Women have fought for decades to get us workplace protections to keep us from dealing with this at the office, and I’m so grateful for every day that it isn’t nearly as bad as it would be 50 years ago.

    Men deserve those same dignities at work. The reason people take harassment and unwanted overtures in the workplace so seriously is because the consequences for the recipient can be extremely serious. Stop normalizing objectively inappropriate behavior.

    • Anonymous

      (a) She didn’t friend request him as I read it. He had a public profile. (b) This still doesn’t bother me. Assuming it stopped where it did if he wasn’t interested/it wasn’t appropriate, this just doesn’t bother me. People are too sensitive by half.

      • Anonymous

        (Also, I’ll add, I’m not a doctor/in the medical profession, nor do I work in any kind of related field, so I didn’t realize that this was such a big deal. I’m not defending what has happened, but I am defending what she did.)

        • Anon

          It’s also clear she didn’t do this with intention to become a predator. She didn’t corner him, stalk him, follow him into the office bathroom, add him to her list of men she’s done this to, or anything else. It was an error in judgment and nothing more.

          • Anon

            I sincerely doubt any guy who has become a stalker initially intended to become a stalker.

      • Anon

        The doctors office obviously thought it was sufficiently inappropriate to ban her from their office so…

    • Anonymous

      The reverse gender arguments are so tiresome. Yes men deserve dignity at work. No men as a class do not suffer pervasive gender-based violence from women.

      • Anon

        I agree. It’s SO tiresome. When men are routinely, systematically catcalled in the street and having their pen!ses groped at work and repeatedly pursued for dates, BY WOMEN, then maybe I’ll care. This doesn’t happen in any country on earth.

        • Anon

          Does it not occur to you that workplaces have rules and policies in place to protect both genders, and that it probably did start with women suing them for being harassed?

          This was the correct outcome.

          • Anon

            That’s the impact of the laws now (they can be applied to both sexes), but they were absolutely not put in place to protect men from women. The laws (which women fought for for DECADES) were a response to pervasive, systemic, brutal harassment and violence against women in the workplace, which still continues in many situations today. Forgive me for not buying that a woman asking a man out via Facebook meets that standard.

            FWIW, I did not participate in the original thread and think that OP should not have reached out that way .

          • Anon

            You know we are not talking about illegal activity here, right? No one is throwing OOP in jail. The clinic’s/hospital’s/physicians group’s policies are to protect them from litigation. This is more about tort than law.

            And there’s also just the right thing to do, which may be protecting their valued employee from having to deal with a patient who made him uncomfortable.

      • Anon

        Exactly. And it’s not her workplace. I fully understand how the clinic needs to respond from a liability perspective and would advise them to do the same. But that’s not what’s at play for the OP. She met a guy in real life and figured out how to ask him out. She didn’t stalk him, she didn’t do anything weird. Stop making her feel worse for acting like a normal person.

      • Anon

        Thank you. The false analogies here are SO tiresome. These commenters should really know better.

    • Anon

      Going to copy my comment from above:

      It was inappropriate but let’s be real – examples others are posting about when men cornered them at work aren’t analogous. A woman contacting a man on social media in this way is crossing a professional barrier, but it’s not going to result in him getting stalked and maybe killed if he says no. Men hitting on women against their will is a completely, COMPLETELY different risk.

      • Anon

        Averages are different than absolutes. Even if men’s risk is substantially lower than women’s (which it is), they deserve the same protections. Men can still feel uncomfortable.

        • Anon

          Correct! The clinic did the right thing if it applied its normal policy equally here. But let’s please not pretend this man is shaking in fear and contacting DV shelters right now.

      • Anon

        And how is this man or his office supposed to know that this one person’s intentions aren’t harmful?? Everyone is acting like the intention makes a difference here, but it doesn’t at all, because the doctor/his practice have no way of knowing it!

        • Anon

          Because reaching out one time to ask for a date does not constitute repeated harassment or overtly threatening behavior by any definition. If a man asks you on a date after you see him at a conference, do you automatically assume that he is definitely a harasser or do you wait for further evidence? When it’s a woman, there is even less risk that the woman is going to become violent and unpredictable. The clinic is following policy here but I highly doubt anyone is truly alarmed.

          • Anonymous

            +100 – if this constitutes threatening harassment then we are basically at the point where people aren’t allowed to speak at all to strangers.

    • Anonymous

      Rather than splitting hairs as to what constitutes “harassment,” can we just agree to not make anyone uncomfortable in the workplace? I am at work to do my job. I am not there for you to treat me as dating material. This applies to a boss, mentor, coworker, client, even a package deliveryman – all of whom have tried to “shoot their shot” with me throughout the years.

      I agree wholeheartedly with that commenter a few days ago who stated that by being approached for a date in a workplace context, it felt like she was not being viewed professionally as an attorney, a networker, or an intern. Rather, it’s like they are dismissing my accomplishments and reducing me down to a dating prospect when: 1) nothing I did ever indicated that I am available or interested; and 2) I am just trying to do my G-D job and get you out of my face.

      • Anonymous

        There’s a certain contingent of people here who think they have a right to act however they want and if another person is uncomfortable it’s their problem.

          • Anon

            +100. No asking people out. No annoying convos with your MIL. No gifts. No addressing workplace issues with your boss. Some people here honestly seem to prefer shutting down any actual conversation instead of dealing with the reality that talking to people does sometimes create awkward or unpleasant situations.

          • Anon

            Nah, you’re describing the exact same group of people. People who think they should never have to experience an ounce of uncomfortableness, and certainly never on behalf of anyone else. Entitled brts.

    • Anon.

      I would raise my daughter to say, “thank you for the invite, but it would not be appropriate given our relationship” like a grown up.

      • ABanon

        “Thank you for your unwelcome behavior” … ??? I know women are socialized to be nice but there’s such a thing as being too nice. A man will take this as encouragement.

        • Anon

          The first ask is not “unwelcome behavior.” If they persist after a no, then it’s unwelcome.

  11. Anon

    I’m 48 and perimenopause is kicking my butt. I’m breaking out like I did as a teenager. Finally getting middle of the night wake ups under control, but now I’m getting acid reflux. Pretty much gave up red wine (that was for sleep issues not reflux) and have had to reduce my alcohol intake from moderate to very light. My hormones are fluctuating as much as my 12 yo DD!!

    • anon

      Yeah, it can be a rough time. I had no idea, although I do in retrospect vividly remember my Mom suffering.

      It’s is also very different from woman to woman I have found, both in severity and duration.

    • Anon

      I use Pepcid Complete most nights before bed. It’s a chewable tablet and it addresses heartburn quickly. It also gives me some calcium, so I count it as a win.

      I also pretty much gave up alcohol, and don’t eat for at least two hours before lying down, usually three. Advice from my doc.

      • Anonymous

        My body stopped tolerating any alcohol even an occasional half a glass of wine. I know it’s not so awful in a grand scheme of things but will it pass?

        • Anon

          It got worse for me, sorry to say. I can have a beer or a small cocktail several hours before bed (like a 5:00 happy hour) but that’s it. And I can only do it like once a week.

        • anon

          Probably not.

          You’ll get used to it. Once you’re old enough that you can’t tolerate alcohol, honestly the risks are drinking seem more ominous as we are closer to the ages of more cancers, chance of falls/accidents, cognitive changes etc… never mind the calories.

          • Anon commenting

            I stopped drinking a year ago for a variety of health reasons and I feel so much better. My health metrics have improved, as has my sleep. I’m no longer on anti-anxiety meds. I’m working out more and my eating patterns have improved. I found it was easier to not drink at all than try to figure out when I could have one glass of wine or cocktail that wouldn’t be disruptive to sleep, etc.

  12. 312

    Where are you finding cute, non-basic casual clothes? I used to have good luck at Loft, but it’s been a big miss for me lately. I’m loving what I see on social media for Evereve, but can’t afford 100-150 a shirt. Is there somewhere in between you’ve had luck with lately?

  13. Anon

    Very specific request – anyone have a recommendation for an interior designer who either specializes in or has experience in arts and crafts/craftsman style? Thanks in advance!

  14. Anonymous

    I think to do arts and crafts well you need to be a super thrifter/FB marketplacer which a lot of designers simply aren’t because it’s more effort and less profitable than selling new items to clients. This is my dream job, I love sourcing antiques for friends (and myself but let’s be real here my collection is basically complete).

    • Anon

      Do you want a side hustle?! I would hire someone to do to this for me (I am the arts and crafts OP). Although, I am proud of myself, I went to a local antiques mall today and found three pieces that are in the style and that I actually liked! I didn’t buy anything, but it was nice to see that I had at least a little eye for it.

      Would you suggest I start with a rug and build out from there or wall color and build in!?

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