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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Wool-Blend Twill Blazer

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A woman wearing a dark brown wool blazer and denim pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This brown blazer from Ralph Lauren is so perfectly autumnal that I think it would turn my regular coffee into a pumpkin spice latte if I put it on. The twill fabric is a cotton/wool/nylon blend, so it will be cozy without being too warm.

Layer it with reds, oranges, yellows, and deep burgundy for an elegant fall look. 

The blazer is $425 at Ralph Lauren and comes in sizes 14W-22W. It’s also available in sizes 00-18, both at Ralph Lauren and Nordstrom.

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

422 Comments

  1. What shoes do people in walkable cities wear? Do people really walk 10+ blocks in high heels? I feel like even my flats get destroyed if I walk in them outside. But it’s super inconvenient to wear tennis shoes and carry cute shoes and swap out. Is this why older people who no longer GAF just wear tennis shoes all the time? Is there some good solution I am missing?

    1. For work, my office heels and flats live there, so there’s no carrying involved.

      For fun, there’s a reason that street sneakers and Birks, and for winter, flat boots, have remained so popular! For formal occasions with no ability to swap, that’s what Uber is for.

    2. When I commuted I either had sensible Chelsea boots or sneakers for the walk amd dressier flats/heels in my bag or just wore loafers.
      I’m over it now and just wear loafers with my suits.

      1. I have yet to find loafers that don’t chafe and blister. And, yes, getting on the other side of 50 is freeing! I don’t GAF.

    4. Flats or very low chunky heels + regular shoe maintenance. BUT I don’t trust my sneakers to last more than 6 months, so IDK why people expect dress shoes to be ever-lasting (they can look good for a long time, but that takes polishing at home and a good cobbler for regular high-test maintenance).

      2. This is a really good point! It’s not a failure for dressy/cute shoes to get scratched up and reach EOL within 6-12 months, any more than it is for walking shoes to lose their support and need to be replaced (which I do readily). For some reason it feels like a failure to “consume” dressy shoes, but you’re 100% right that there’s no reason to overthink it. Just because men keep their shoes for years doesn’t mean we ladies are able to – they’re made completely differently.

        1. It depends on the shoes you buy. I spend hundreds of dollars on shoes from my chosen brand (as men do) and my shoes truly last. I don’t have a walking commute, but I regularly have meetings which require a walk of up to 1/2 mile and my shoes hold up. Now, I am not wearing heeled, sued pumps. I recall reading a fashion article in the NYT years ago to look at the calendar and pick shoes that match that day’s walking, and choose clothes accordingly. That’s what I do, and it works well.

          2. Yeah, that has got to be one of the greatest fashion amusements of this sneaker era….

    5. IDK but I’m eyeing the Rothys heels. Has anyone tried IRL? My feet do well with OG Rothys round, but my foot shape is not pretty and I feel that my feet look like I’m Lucy or Charlie Brown from The Peanuts.

    6. In the summer I commute in Birkenstock Arizonas, in the cooler weather Birkenstock Bostons, and in rain or cold weather it’s Adidas Stan Smiths or Doc Martins. My office shoes stay in my backpack, no more inconvenient than packing a sweater or water bottle.

    7. My parents both used to wear nice shoes every day when leaving the house for commuting and working. My father used to spend an hour every Sunday with his shoeshine kit touching up polish and buffing their shoes. They generally had dark leather shoes and boots and he had a mix of brown, black, cordovan, oxblood, and navy polish, along with neutral. And rags and various brushes. I think the idea that shoes are zero-maintenance is new and any we think that shoes don’t last now or get wrecked by using them as intended. I recall them wearing boots in very bad winter weather, but not otherwise carrying their shoes.

      1. A lot of modern women’s shoes are not made from a type of leather that can be maintained this way.

        1. Other than suede and things like calfhair, what is different about the leather in shoes now?

        2. Do you mean shoes that aren’t made of leather, like plastic, PVC, vinyl, pleather, vegan “leather”?

          I polish my modern women’s leather shoes without issues.

          1. I have no idea. I don’t think that leather from the 1980s is that different than the 2000s or even now. But if it’s not leather, it might last longer / better in some ways even though it’s not as nice of a product. I have some $50 patent shoes that are indestructable (and it’s not patent leather, it’s just a really amazing chemical science material). Some flip-flops though will last a minute.

          2. Some of my shoes seem to be somewhere in between? Technically leather, but it doesn’t buff out or polish right vs. leather shoes that behave like real leather, and seems more plasticy.

        3. Assuming that they are leather, I’ve been shocked at what my local cobbler can do for leather pumps. Once I started dropping shoes off there, it is surprising how long they can last.

          1. What’s the cost on a cleaning/dropoff? My issue is I can’t see spending $100 on a pair of shoes but then $50 to get them spiffed up a couple times a year. Might as well get new shoes at that point.

          2. Adding: same reason I won’t pay to dry clean “dry clean only” dresses that cost $50. I’d rather wash them 10+ times and eventually ruin and replace them than spend $8 per dry cleaning.

          3. I pay 25-75 depending on how bad of shape the shoes are in. But, the shoes themselves tend to be in $300-$600 range, so it’s a good ROI on getting another year of wear.

          4. I agree. Prices vary but I recently had a shoes shined and protection added to the bottom of the tips of a pair of flats for less than $40 and the shoes look like new. I’d rather spend the money to bring shoes to a cobbler (and shine them myself as needed in between) on shoes that are comfortable that I like to wear rather than buy new.

    8. My parents both used to wear nice shoes every day when leaving the house for commuting and working. My father used to spend an hour every Sunday with his shoeshine kit touching up polish and buffing their shoes. They generally had dark leather shoes and boots and he had a mix of brown, black, cordovan, oxblood, and navy polish, along with neutral. And rags and various brushes. I think the idea that shoes are zero-maintenance is new and any we think that shoes don’t last now or get wrecked by using them as intended. I recall them wearing boots in very bad winter weather, but not otherwise carrying their shoes. s

    9. Walk half mile on weekdays commuting and anywhere from 2-10 miles on weekends for social life etc. I wear 10-15 year old riding boots in the winter, which are leather and get re-soled every summer. Snow boots if it’s really snowy. Low heeled short suede boots if a shorter walking day, as I don’t find them as comfortable. During the summer I wear boat shoes, well constructed flats, or a pair of cork-sole wedges that I like. I don’t like heels so I don’t really wear them, especially when not in the office, but I also don’t wear sneakers unless I’m officially exercising, not just for walking places. With the exception of the riding boots, I change shoes when I get to the office (I actually have two pairs of some of my flats so that my office flats look nicer than the exact same pair I wear walking around outside).

      1. Do you mind sharing or recs for well-constructed flats? That’s a big part of the issue, is even wearing flats that are not actively painful feel like essentially walking barefoot.

        1. I find going barefoot way way more comfortable than wearing flats. For whatever reason, flats really hurt my foot.

          1. We all have variations in feet shape, and some styles/brands just wont work well for us. Especially as we age.

            But really…. nice flats/heels are not commuting shoes. They just aren’t.

    10. To add to this, what are the people who actually look stylish on the street doing? Do their feet just hurt? Are they just prioritizing fashion over comfort/shoe preservation? I’m thinking of women in Paris who are praised for (1) walking everywhere and (2) looking fabulous. I’m pretty sure they’re not rocking Brooks tennis shoes or Birks for their commutes.

      2. having recently gone, they are all wearing street sneakers or chunky loafers. Wearing cute sandals for a short walk to dinner, I felt super American. The inverse of what I used to worry about when abroad!

      3. I’m from Paris and no one wears pumps unless they are just walking out of a cab. But there are lots of popular options – cute flats, loafers or oxfords, and these days fashion sneakers everywhere. I do sometimes wear boots with reasonable heels because those are comfortable enough to walk in. I definitely don’t wear shoes that hurt my feet, the average Parisian walks a lot!

      5. I don’t know what decade you and OP are writing from, but it seems to be one other than the current decade, where street sneakers are pretty much the most fashionable things you can put on your feet.

    11. Depends what I’m doing and how far I’m walking. I never change my shoes, but I’ll walk far in a comfy heel.

      In the summer I wear sandals: Birkenstocks, or sandals with a low block heel or a higher wedge or platform.

      In the winter I wear boots: flat Chelsea boots and heeled Chelsea or higher books (2-3” block heel).

      I wear white sneakers year round.

      My workplace is pretty casual so I can wear most of the above to work. I also wear loafers and mules. I commute in them too (15 min walk)

    12. I commute in sneakers and keep my heels in the office. And if I have an event after work, I leave my sneakers at work and wear my heels out but wear a specific pair of heels. Usually when my heels get a bit worn I convert them to my outside the office heels. I wear leather heels and maintain them with leather cleaner/conditioner/polish and get them resoled periodically.

    15. I wear sneakers or boots or Birkenstocks, depending on weather, and my work shoes live at work. I’m not wearing them to work, chiefly because they wear so much faster if I walk a few miles in them every day.

    16. I can walk 10,000 steps a day in block heeled booties or good block heeled sandals. I had to work back up to it post covid so it takes some adjustment. I only wear stilettos or pumps if I’m walking 1-2 blocks at a time. On rare occasions I need to wear them for work I commute in something else then change at the office. Sneakers are for casual days, intentional long walks, or events where I’m spending hours on my feet like a festival.

  2. Thinking ahead to a milestone birthday, in 2026 my best friend and I will both be turning 40. We are thinking of a week-ish in England- neither of us has either been (and this will be her first trip outside the US and Canada). We have a loooong time to plan, but I’m already thinking ahead to what time of year (we were thinking April/May) and the breakdown for London and not-London (maybe 3-4 days in each?). We love period dramas (Downton Abbey, All Creatures Great and Small, Sanditon, etc), wine, walkable cities and towns, the ocean, art, tea time, and great desserts. How do I start trip planning for this trip? What London neighborhood is best for a hotel? ($300/night or less?) Ideas for outside of London?

    1. Honestly with a week I’d just do London + a couple day trips. There’s a ton to see in London.

      1. There’s a lot to see in London, but I think it’s worth it to have the experience to get out of London and see other areas too.

      2. +1, and choose your neighborhood strategically based on which day trips you want to take. The trains from the different main stations go out different spokes.

    2. I have a massive Google Doc with tons of London research I can share with you if you’re interested. Much of the information was crowdsourced from this brilliant group. Email me at corporetteukadventures at the g mail.

      London is the kind of city where you could visit every year for the rest of your life and never run out of things to do. You’ll need a few days for the major sights, but after that, follow your passions! There’s a museum, walking tour, restaurant, or neighborhood for nearly every interest.

      Excited for you!

    3. Go to Bath! The most charming city! There is a small but adorable Jane Austen museum. If you like Bridgerton, do a Bridgerton walking tour and see sites where they filmed. The Roman Baths are so cool…one of my favorite cities I’ve ever been. We stayed at Hotel Indigo Bath and used a car service to take us straight there from Heathrow, then drop us off in London after a few days. We coordinated things so we could stop and see Stonehenge on the way from the airport to Bath and Oxford on the way from Bath into London.

      We were in England for 8 nights and felt we had adequate time in both cities. I think 1 week is plenty for at least 2 places and I don’t even like a hectic vacations.

    4. April/May will be lovely, but do check the Bank Holidays – you might want to avoid those, since some things will be closed even though you might think it’s a regular Monday. In April and May 2026, that means 3 April (Good Friday), 6 April (Easter Monday), 4 May (Early May bank holiday) and 25 May (Spring bank holiday)

      If you want to travel to Bath (Jane Austen), Cornwall, Cardiff or Oxford, you take the train from Paddington Station. If you want to go to Cambridge or Norwich, Liverpool St. Station. For York or Peterborough, King’s Cross. For Canterbury, St Pancras Station. Liverpool or Birmingham from Euston. Windsor, Brighton and Bournemouth from Waterloo. (Cornwall would be the furthest, 5.5 hours on the train, if you are a hardcore Poldark fan.) If you want to go to Hampton Court (Henry VIII) there’s even a boat, during the weekends.

      All these train stations are easy to get to if you stay within zone 2 on the underground /metro network. Within zone 2 on the underground network you are in walking distance to museums, theatres, shops, restaurants, parks and galleries wherever you’re staying.

      I would avoid the hotels around Leicester square and West End (theatre district) since those are overpriced for what you get. All hotels are expensive in London, you will need your 300 dollar budget.

      Here are some TV locations:
      https://www.visitengland.com/things-to-do/literature-film-and-tv/central-england

      Some nice London walking maps:
      https://tfl.gov.uk/modes/walking/?intcmp=63

      Nice day trips: Windsor Castle, Hampton Court, Kew Botanical Gardens, Greenwich
      Nice one night trips: Oxford, Cambridge and Brighton.
      Nice two night trips: Cotswolds, Dorset, South Downs, York, Cardiff and Bath

  3. Recs near downtown NYC? I’m near Wall Street for work this week and it looks pretty dead! I was hoping to walk into good breakfasts/lunch/dinner to make up for an otherwise crappy work week. Appreciate recs!

    1. This is very specific, but I love Buddha Bodai Kosher Vegetarian restaurant (two locations both close to Wall St). Great dim sum; I didn’t have a bad thing on the menu.

    2. I like the bar at the Beekman for a drink and dinner in that area. The bar specifically.

    3. Financial District is not the most happening part of NYC unfortunately. I also like the bar area at the Beekman as an earlier poster mentioned. You might also check out the Tin Building. If you want to walk around and pop into good restaurants, you’re best bet is probably heading up to the West Village if you have free time.

    5. Zuckers has the best bagels in the area unless you’re going up to the lower east side. Blue Smoke has a location closer to the WTC memorial that has pretty good BBQ for NYC (if you’re from a place with actual good BBQ do not go here). If you want a SUPER impressive instagramable drink go up to the Overstory bar, it is breathtaking and the food is very good but very $$$. The Tin building is fun and the food is quite good for a takeout lunch.
      Honestly for better ambiance I’d walk up to the Lower East Side, Soho, or Nolita.

  4. I need to get some good bedside table reading lights and a couple of living room floor lamps for a parent moving into assisted living in my city. Is there a good place to look for these? I just want good lighting for the task AND a basic non-exotic soft-looking (not too bright) light from bulbs you can get at Target or the grocery store.

    1. Target, Home Depot, Lowe’s, At Home, TJ Maxx — or whatever else you have in your city. Any of these places will have the lamps you need.

    4. I have like 5 of these floor lamps and they are great: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0749C4NB5/ Three brightness levels, swivel arm, easy to use and adjust, no need to replace any bulbs. I have them in the living room for reading, at my desk for working, and on each side of the bed for reading. The high setting is great for reading and the lowest setting is a nice soft ambient light.

    5. Honestly, Amazon. I love my inexpensive bedside lamps that have built in electrical and USB outlets!

  5. My office got a new grand-boss last week. I haven’t officially met him yet, but this morning I walked by his office and he was eating home made oatmeal and reading a package of reports. It made such a positive impression. That’s all, just me being happy and hopeful of the future at my work.

    1. Aww that’s sweet. I had a very senior academic colleague who used to have a banana, orange juice, and a supermarket sandwich every day at lunch. I always joked I could write more papers if I could just happily eat the same thing every day.

    2. A very wealthy family member, with both inherited and earned money, recently retired from partnership at a prestigious, local law firm. His wife once told me that his typical lunch was a PB&J at his desk.

  6. My husband’s family is a mix of German and Irish and over time, it seems like there isn’t anything particularly German but the names. They are typical suburban Americans, so I’m guessing their people came over some time between 1870 and the beginning of WW1. No one knows where in Germany they are from. We are going to Germany this summer, but just the southern parts of there and Austria. Are there easy ways to try to figure out where people are from there? Not a big deal if not. But for food and picky adult and teen eaters, any tips for common area food that might be easily recreated by Americans? I imagine that in major cities, you can easily get fries and most places would have something like a ham sandwich or at least good bread. It will be with a school tour group with teacher / parents, so I imagine that the food would be fairly low-end and basic, but I’d like to explore on the culinary and culture side before I go.

    1. You can certainly look up the German names to see if the names are associated with specific regions of Germany. Do you know if the Germans were Catholic or Lutheran? The fact that they married into Irish families suggests they were Catholic, and southern Germany is the more Catholic part of Germany vs. the north.

      I think nearly all of the food I’ve eaten in Germany was already familiar to me, but maybe my family preserved more German traditions. Maybe you could try weisswurst or brats if your family isn’t already familiar with them?

      1. The stories I’ve heard says that they were from Prussia (different borders over the years), but they are definitely Catholic (or have been in recent memory at least). So who knows? It’s not my family, so hesitant to go digging unless spouse or kids really gets into this.

        1. I guess I’d assume that they’re right and that they’re from one of the places that has at some point been called Prussia! But the family names might help narrow it down if any of them is not a very common name.

        2. It’s fairly unusual for Prussians to be Catholic. This might be a red herring.

          1. I thought that too, but there’s some history to that as well. (Did some Catholics just up and leave during Bismarck’s Kulturkampf or later? I don’t know.)

    2. No advice on tracking down your family, but Germany has a lot of amazing breads and pastries, which should be pretty easy ever as picky eaters. I don’t think of German food generally as particularly difficult for picky eaters – lots of sausage and potatoes :)

      1. Yeah, I’ve taken my picky eater (elementary school, not teen) all over Europe and German is one of the better countries. Lots of breads, potatoes and plain meats. I think only Italy is easier and that may be because my kid in particular is a pizza fanatic.

    3. Do you eat a lot of traditional German foods? For me the marker of whether someone is German or LARPing is usually cucumber salad. I don’t identify as German but my Grandma is an immigrant from Germany and all our holiday foods are very traditional. We have lots of potato, cabbage, bread and meat based thing. My Grandma is of the Lutheran variety of German.

      1. I’m a southern WASP and we eat a lot of cucumbers. And steamed cabbage with lots of butter. I thought that a sign of German food was sour cream or fermented things (saurkraut)? I do love the soft pretzels — tell me that is a legit German thing and not something that Americans say is a German thing.

        1. Not just cucumbers, cucumber salad. The cabbage can be cooked (usually with meat), fermented, even raw. Pretzels are a real thing, but there’s also a lot of dense German breads that don’t really exist in America, American breads are a lot sweeter and fluffier.

          1. Not just German breads, but I miss dense breads that can be a meal with soup so much living in the US.

      2. The sweet cucumber and red onion salad my family makes in the summer is SO good. I eat the red cabbage now as an adult but that was a hard sell as a kid!

      3. Aw, my Lutheran German immigrant grandma always had the cucumber salad on the table. Thanks for the sweet reminder of that!

    4. 23 and me gives some geographic information that’s more precise if there’s a distinction to be made, like basque rather than French and you might have something similar with Germany. Privacy and other potential issues with that approach though.

      1. I think 23 and me is going under. I’d do an Ancestry test if that’s the angle, because it will connect you with family trees others have built and verified.

    5. These are very different questions. id encourage you not to worry about the food unless you are the picky eater. If you are, German food has got you covered with potatoes sausages and chicken. If someone else is, it’s an adventure and they’ll be fine.

      1. For me, I’m looking for “what is really amazing that I’m not aware of.” For Vietnamese food, that is a lot that is too authentic for me to try if my stand-by favorites are on the menu (vermicelli bowls and spring rolls). But when I lived in Arlington, VA, I had plenty of restaurants to try out my options. Not every city is has that.

          1. Maybe international grocery stores? You may be able to experiment a bit before you go. If a grocery item is worth importing, it may be universally delicious.

        2. I grew up eating German dumplings in chicken stew or in beef broth. The particular style my great aunt makes is similar to, but not exactly like, smaller matzo balls. I have yet to find good ones (aside from my family’s homemade ones) in America – I’d definitely order those!

    6. My family is very German and if your kids love meat/potatoes/sausage you should be all set. In bigger cities I’ve generally eaten more food from immigrant groups than traditional ‘German’ food (lots of great Lebanese, Turkish and Indian food in Berlin and Frankfurt). I would also recommend some of the simpler dishes – beef stock with dumplings, chicken fricasse, schnitzel with vegetables. Pickled/sour things are also very common – I’ve had pickled cucumber salad, red cabbage, and saurkraut offered nearly everywhere. Make sure your kids are prepared for a European style breakfast – the idea of meats/cheeses/breads/spreads was very surprising to me the first time I went as a teen!

    7. The bread and desserts are pretty similar (in taste if not in shape) to a lot of American bread and desserts. Deli meat and cheese are fairly similar as well, especially stuff like ham or muenster-type cheese. Lots of ice cream, mostly gelato-style, but the packaged stuff you’d get at a cart is a lot like American ice cream truck stuff. Pretzels, oh, the best pretzels. Lots of pizza.

      Restaurants will have plenty of fries and plain or plain-ish chicken and pork. Spaetzle is a popular kind of pasta that was the only thing my picky sister would eat in restaurants when we lived there in the 1990s. If anyone in your party likes Greek or Middle-Eastern type food, try Turkish food.

      There were a lot of German immigrants to the US in the 18th and 19th century, so there’s a good bit of overlap between traditional Midwestern American food and German food.

    8. My family is German Lutheran and my favorite is roast pork with sauerkraut, mashed potatoes, and gravy.

    9. Chicken schnitzel is basically a breaded chicken patty. I’m a vegetarian so maybe I’m wrong but it seems like the equivalent of ordering chicken fingers from a restaurant. :)

      1. Chicken schnitzel, very thin, with lemon and arugula is the best comfort food. Added points if paired with spaetzle.

        1. A lot of kids like schnitzel though. I was a picky eater child who ended up liking it better than chicken tenders.

        2. How is it ignorant? I’ve been to Germany and Austria lots of times and chicken schnitzel tastes just like the breaded chicken on kids’ menus in the US, just a different shape.

          1. Schnitzel is a native dish to the area. Saying “well that’s just chicken nuggets” is showing an American bias. Weiner Schnitzel means Viennese Schnitzel, and Schnitzel means:

            Schnitzel is a thin, breaded, and fried cutlet of meat that originated in German and Austrian cuisines. The word “schnitzel” comes from the German word schnitt, which means “cut”.

          2. … all of that is true, but none of that contradicts what people are saying, that it tastes similar to American chicken fingers and is going to be palatable to picky American kids. Many cultures have a breaded meat dish, but schnitzel is closer to what US kids are used to than, say, chicken katsu, because the seasoning and style of breading is very very similar to what’s used here. Probably because the US had a lot of German immigrants back in the day and our breaded meat dishes are adapted from schnitzel.

        3. I’m the commenter with the German grandma and I agree chicken schnitzel is very similar to American chicken patties. I’ve been to Germany and visited my great aunts and uncles who live there too.

    10. midwestern who lived in Germany about a decade ago..
      i think Germany is pretty friendly to picky eaters/non-adventurous palettes, maybe difficult if GF or vegan. Lots of bread, potatoes, meat, cheese, etc. More fermented/pickled foods than US. Pretzels will be served with mustard, not cheese dip. Had the best fries of my life from a grocery store parking lot stand, served with mayo. Hardest change for me was truly getting used to the lack of ice in drinks! Chicken or pork schnitzel is a great bet. Bread is generally denser/chewier (so good) including things like buns. Muesli instead of cereal. Milka or Kinder brand chocolate (like their hershey’s but actually good)

      Aldi often has a specialty german foods section – might be fun to try some things before the trip! it is a german company. World Market is another good option.

    3. Flats.

      I am just not a fan of sneakers, or even loafers with many styles of dresses.

      As per the other thread, flats/heels just aren’t commuting shoes, so it may be different for your commute. Then again, I would never wear a kitten heel boot to commute either.

    1. I make a lentil soup in my crockpot that’s reasonably healthy, but it’s not a recipe — I just throw a bunch of stuff in. Chopped onions, garlic, carrot slices, celery slices, a bag of dry lentils, vegetable stock to cover, salt, pepper, chopped green peppers. Let cook until ready to eat. I do the same thing with a bag of split peas.

    2. Honestly, I use my slow cooker far less often for vegetarian meals than for things featuring meat. Unless I am cooking beans or intend to blend the end result (something like butternut squash soup), I haven’t found them to bring out the best in veggies.

    4. lentil curry! I sometimes put butternut squash in, too, but this is a recipe I’ve been loving lately: https://rainbowplantlife.com/vegan-red-lentil-curry/#recipe

      My mom used to make “bean of the week” soup on Monday in the crock pot, all winter. It was basically some kind of dried beans, and whatever vegetables were in the fridge, plus spices. Not exciting, but they were always delicious.

      1. edited to add: this one isn’t written as a crock pot recipe, but totally works as one (I’m making it today, actually). it’s best if you cook the ginger and garlic for a couple minutes first, add onions too if you want, then dump that in the crock pot with everything but the coconut milk and cook it on low for at least a few hours.

        I prefer to stir the coconut milk in right at the end before I serve, but as long as you cook on low, it also works fine if the coconut milk is in there all day.

        1. Red lentils cook so quickly, I feel like mine are always done in 20 minutes. Would cooking them for hours make them mush?

          1. I don’t mind my curry being mush, since it’s mostly just going on top of rice or naan anyway, but if you prefer the lentils to still have more integrity, you could swap red for brown!

    5. I really like Betty Crocker’s Slow-Cooker Chipotle Four-Bean Chili with Lime. A bit embarrassed it’s Betty Crocker but it’s tasty!

        1. Great to hear! I have an entire book from them on easy vegetarian cooking. It has a whole section of slow cooker recipes. Some are a bit under seasoned but many of them I have liked.

  9. I thought I wanted to paint my kitchen/dining room white. I brought home three samples after agonizing for way too long at Home Depot. I painted them on various walls and… now I’m worried they’re TOO white? or too yellow-ish white?

    They make my backsplash, which I thought was white, appear a dingy gray.

    Maybe I don’t want white but something soft and neutral?

    The rest of my main living areas are Revere Pewter, but I wanted something different for the kitchen. Help! Any suggestions?

    1. Go to the Maria Killam website and start there. You may have to read for a while but I am always making a better choice after spending some time there and focusing and factoring in the light each room gets. Revere Pewter, in particular, works for my neighbor one house over but in a room that gets a lot more light than the room I tried it in. Even adding 10% white to lighten it up and it just didn’t work. It looks amazing in his house on rooms roughly in the same area of each house (NW corner, but he gets much more western sun and mine gets a bit of northern light because of how the windows are; I have more shade trees on my western side).

    2. Check out this home tour, there’s some nice light colors that aren’t stark white in the kitchen and dining room. I have also never gone wrong using Farrow and Ball instead of the cheaper alternatives. Link to follow.

      2. PS – get samples from Samplize.com – they carry all the major brands and put them on contact paper so you don’t ruin your walls in the meantime.

    3. There’s really no such color as generic “white” paint. Nearly every single white paint out there has a slight undertone of some other color: green, pink, blue, gray, yellow, lavender, etc. You don’t really notice the undertones until you see the colors in different light, or see them next to another white–that’s what happened with your backsplash.

      It sounds like you need a white that goes well with gray undertones. I’d go back to Home Depot, pull paint cards for a LOT of whites, bring them home, and hold them up next to the current painted samples and your backsplash. See what color tones show up, and which ones go well with the backsplash. Then get a paint sample of those colors.

      1. +1000

        Also consider getting a paint chip that has Revere Pewter along with other shades that are darker / lighter. The lightest, cut perhaps to 50%, may be the exact right “white” for your space.

      2. Or if you do want a true white with not a hint of color use the white base as paint. It does seem to take an extra coat, perhaps from the lack of pigment. I did this in a north facing condo with PPG paint and got a clear white out of it.

    4. True whites will do that. Check out Maria Kilim’s work on color theory and painting. You need to identify the undertone of your tiles/kitchen and then pick a white with the right undertone. If it’s too stark, you might want to move down the color sample to a more saturated version.T This blog post also gets into it as well. I have Elmira White in my house and it’s definitely not white– but it has enough interest that it doesn’t look builder’s beige and matches the pinky undertone of some of my stonework. https://blog.thestatedhome.com/best-white-paint-for-walls/

    5. White is an incredibly difficult color, as you’re finding out! It sounds like true whites are clashing with your backsplash, so I’d look for something that’s a little less crisp but still reads as white.

      Paint colors are extremely relative. You can’t pick a color in isolation; it has to go with whatever undertones you’re working with. You’ve found out that these whites are a big, fat no, which is a good thing! It’ll narrow your options.

    6. I think you may have a warm vs cool color mismatch happening. If your backsplash is looking more gray next to the wall paint, then your backsplash is probably cool toned and your paint is warm toned.

    7. I currently have 15 “white” paint chips taped to my home office wall. I just picked out any chip that I liked, brought it home and hung it up to see which looked nicest in all the different lights. I purposely hung them on the shadiest wall. I’ve narrowed the 15 down to 3 this way.

      Paint chips are free, I always take a zillion to narrow down the color to two or three and then go with the samples. More often than not, the color I like best in store is not what I end up going with because it doesn’t look best on the wall.

  10. Curious if anyone else has dealt with something like this. My husband and I come from working class families. We have scrimped and saved and now, thanks to good jobs and some good years in the stock market, are very comfortable. We have more than enough saved to pay for an extensive renovation to our house which very badly needs it (for plumbing and electrical updates as well as decor). We are near the finish line with selecting a contractor and I’m starting to feel serious anxiety about actually doing it, even though financially it makes complete sense for our neighborhood and we have plenty of contingencies and other savings. I would like to talk to a therapist about my financial anxieties, but it seems like a jerk thing to say “help me, I have too much money and it’s stressing me out.”

    1. I don’t think your question is a jerk move at all. Your mindset has been built around scrimping, saving, and working hard. We do not necessarily come with a built-in switch to flip that makes it easy to change into a mindset of giving yourself permission to relax, spend, and enjoy the fruits of that labor. Therapy seems very well suited to help you explore how to adjust your mindset so you can enjoy your success.

    2. You can go to therapy for anything. For your situation though, maybe a reframe is in order. You have to take care of property you own and that often means a renovation or construction work. It’s also okay to want to live somewhere nice.

    3. If it helps, the “problem” isn’t that you have too much money. The problem is objectively irrational anxiety that is blocking you from fully living and enjoying your life. That is a very good reason to go to therapy (not that one needs a “good reason”!)

      1. I wouldn’t say it’s that irrational, honestly. It is probably a very large amount of money.

    4. Something like this is such a high-water mark for spending that I think it’s normal to be nervous about it regardless of your history with money. Not to dissuade you from therapy but more like, if you think you’re alone in this, you’re not!

      1. agree – sometimes you just have to gulp and do it. almost anything over $5k with me to be honest.

    5. I think this is a totally valid therapy discussion if you want that. (Whether that is worth the time investment is up to you.) Anxiety that has a grounding in your childhood but now doesn’t have a logical base, and dealing with major changes in life circumstances seem like therapy bread and butter to me.

    6. We had this issue too, with a reno that cost $300k. We had to think of it as buying a house.

    7. Potential reframe of the issue, ignore if not helpful:

      Many working class people cannot afford to make *necessary* repairs to things they own. They drive cars with failing brakes or large dents; their houses don’t have necessary updates to electrical systems; they walk around with aches and pains because they can’t afford physical therapy.

      If they had the money, the first thing they would do is to make their lives safer and more stable. That would involve a renovation to bring a house up to modern codes.

      Second reframe: you’re going to sell this house eventually. You will either make the updates then (and not enjoy them), sell at a massive discount to incorporate the cost of the needed work, or make those changes now and enjoy them. They all cost about the same; only one of them improves your life. So do that one.

    8. I think it would be fine! The financial anxiety isn’t coming from your current circumstances but from your background, and it’s so normal to process how our history is affecting us in therapy. I think some therapists are better at helping people navigate social mobility than others so that may be something to consider.

      My family lost a house when I was young, and after years of renting, I was consumed by dread when we first bought a house. I had no idea that would happen!

    9. Would it be helpful to just voice your concerns out loud to each other? My husband and I are both like this about things that are absolutely logical options in our budget after years of frugality. It helps for us to just acknowledge that we are being irrational.

      I think about talking about financial anxiety and changing classes is a perfectly fine topic for therapy. It has been weird to go from “smart and poor underdog” to “very financially comfortable person.”

    10. Most of us on this board have first world problems. That doesn’t make the problems less real to us…

      I think you have a menu of ways to approach this, depending what you would like the result to be. From short-term to longer-term horizons:
      – If you’d like another pair of eyes on this big decision, or a sanity-check, you could consult a financial planner.
      – If you’d like to more generally deal with how your background may be constraining you around money, there are specialized therapists who call their work “financial therapy.”
      – If you are open to exploring more in-depth what these financial anxieties may be about, on an emotional or spiritual level, you may need to be prepared to spend considerable time with a therapist. I would recommend a more depth-oriented one for that (shorthand for “not cognitive-behavioral”).

      Whichever way you go, would you feel better about your finances if you were to donate to someone less fortunate or a cause you feel strongly about?

  11. Please help me determine if I’m overreacting. I live in a townhouse in the city. It’s an up and coming neighborhood, very diverse and tight knit community, everyone is amazing and supportive. My back yard opens onto a back alley and isn’t locked (my house is locked + alarm system). This morning, I parked my car in the back alley and heard repeated “hey, come over here”. I looked around and realized there is a guy sleeping in a tent in the alley. He’s technically on private land in the backyard of the church across the street. I’m not sure if this was allowed by the church – they run a soup kitchen but I have never seen anyone sleep there before – or if they don’t know because the tent is well hidden. I have compassion for homeless people and live in a city so I’m no stranger to this type of thing, but the fact that he is directly in my back alley AND was calling out to me really freaked me out. He never got out of the tent and I just walked away, but now I’m a bit spooked. We have also had an influx of hard drug users and uptick in violence in the area, which is leaving me a little on edge. Is there anything I can do about this?

    1. Depends on your city, you could call the police. I probably would, I wouldn’t want a camp to start by my house.

    2. Sure. You can call the church and complain. You can call the police. And you’ll need to revisit your “I’m compassionate to the homeless” schitck if you do because this dude didn’t harm you or threaten you or act violent in any way.

      1. You can be compassionate for people and still let you personal safety dictate your decisions.

      2. Oh, come on. She is not unreasonable for feeling a bit unnerved. He called out to her, which wouldn’t make me feel very safe, either.

          1. Close enough. It’s not like she’s on five acres and he’s on the next tract over.

      1. The plan is to stay put for another 2-3 years while we pay down the house and save up. I really like my area otherwise – close to work, lots of amenities walking distance, near a lovely park and restaurants. I know all my neighbors and we hang out sometimes, I like the community. I made a very deliberate choice to get a “city” house and was prepared for a few issues that come with that. But like a lot of cities, mine suffered a lot from the pandemic + the opioid crisis, and the issues feel more acute. I may end up moving sooner, but not soon enough to fix this short-term problem.

        1. I own a condo in dc. It’s a generally safe neighborhood but it’s not totally unusual to see a homeless person in the shared parking lot or even, as I recently experienced, sleeping in my building’s dumpster area.

          It’s been daylight when I’ve seen this so I haven’t been terribly scared but I chalk this up to the price of living in a city.

          The crisis is real (I used to live in Denver so I’ve seen worse than dc) and it’s all tragic and while my safety matters, I’ve never seen yet how me calling the police would help the situation. But I reserve the right to if needed.

    4. Can you start by asking the church what they know about the guy tent camping next to the back alley?

      1. This. I’d start here. They might have good context for you on him and their relationships to him, as well as possible plans for next steps.

      2. Yea, that’s probably my next move. I don’t attend this church but they have always been good neighbors and if they have agreed to this I might feel better about it (and if they haven’t I assume they are the ones who need to do something about it since it’s their land.)

        1. That’s a great plan. Also if they run a soup kitchen, they are used to dealing with people in his situation and might have resources to point him toward if needed.

          1. I was thinking about that. The fence is made of wood so I could probably drill some kind of basic lock into it. Won’t stop a determined thief but could prevent a random person wandering in.

          2. Please remember that homeless does not equal criminal. A lock may make you feel more secure and there is nothing wrong with that. But think about why your response to a homeless person saying hello is to install a lock. I understand that some homeless people are also suffering from addiction that may lead them to criminal behavior, but a homeless person’s existence near your home does not put your backyard at risk. Please contact the church and/or a local agency for the homeless. The latter may already be in touch with this person and working to build up his trust to get him to accept shelter.

          3. FFS, “a homeless person saying hello”? What planet do you live on? This unknown man beckoned her, a woman on her own, over to him repeatedly while illegally camping on private land. You’d have to be incredibly, incredibly naive to head on over with a smile.

          4. LawDawg, this is a false dichotomy. And it is beyond naive to equate the guy calling her to his tent with a random stranger saying hello.

            OP can be both compassionate towards the homeless and take basic steps to make herself and her property more secure. Those are not mutually exclusive actions.

    5. I would call the nonemergency line at the police station without apology. I’m not in the camp of liberals that says that women have to put up with anything as long as the man is homeless.

    6. 100% ask the church about it. They should then take action to have him removed – if I were their lawyer, I’d advise them to do so.

    7. Does your city have a homeless outreach line? Mine does and I definitely call it for things like this.

      1. Was coming to say this. In NJ, you can call 211 and “report” the person so an agency can offer them assistance.

    8. I would 100% add a lock to your back fence/gate and possibly even additional security cameras in my backyard. I get that homeless people aren’t always dangerous (they’re definitely not!) but I wouldn’t want my yard to be the next place they move or anyone accessing my yard when I’m not home.

    9. Some of these comments are clearly coming from people who don’t live in the downtown of a city. Call the church, if the guy isn’t authorized to be there call the cops, you can call th cops for trespassing on other people’s property. Where I live you need to expressly say they’re on private property or the cops won’t come though.

      1. I don’t think you can report trespass if you haven’t even asked them to leave yet? (Just looked this up vis a vis my city and that was the case here.)

        1. For my city you can call without asking them to leave if you believe they are a danger. The 911 operator always tells me to lock my doors and draw the blinds when I call.

          1. Well if it’s a 911 situation, sure. But OP’s scenario didn’t seem anything close to that.

    10. You’ve gotten lots of reasonable advice.

      I would go talk to the church, outside of their normal hours for services. Maybe they told one of their regular visitors to their soup kitchen he could stay there temporarily, or maybe they don’t know.
      I would definitely put a lock on your back gate.

    11. That is tough. I would call the police but not expect much of a response.

      Years ago, I was outbid on a cute 2 bedroom townhome. I was so bummed to lose out. Three years later the city-owned park was leased to an organization that served the homeless. That organization placed several dozen “tiny homes” onsite. All had a direct view into the gorgeous 2nd floor master suite and balcony with hot tub that I pined for.

      A good story for those that think of “the one (property) that got away.”

  12. Has anyone here ever refused to get a pet because of the dirtiness aspect of it? Grew up in a pet free home, DH knew this and was totally onboard with not having a dog or cat in our home. It was in fact a condition of marriage in addition to things like what religion any children would be. Fast forward a few years, we have a child and now DH is going on about how his kid NEEDS to grow up with a best friend dog or cat. Right now DS is too little for this to matter.

    But I can’t get over the fact that any home I’ve ever been in with a dog or cat has a certain smell. And these pets are going to the bathroom and then sitting around on your carpets or furniture. Dogs are walking around outside and then their paws are on your stuff. As for cats I don’t think you can all or disallow anything – if they want to jump on your beds or kitchen counters, they will. Am I being the bad guy here? I was raised in an immigrant culture where household pets aren’t a thing, though I’m sure you can tell from this post.

    1. I agree with you, and fortunately my husband does too, and so we enjoy playing with neighbor dogs and then handing them back to their owners, washing our hands, and being done with it :)

    2. I accept that the furniture will get dirty, but we don’t allow the cats in the bedrooms which I see as a good compromise :)

      1. Animal lover here who doesn’t allow the cat in the bedroom. He’s fine. He runs the place, but he doesn’t sleep in the bedroom.

    3. I don’t think a family needs a pet, but I think I’m going to face this pressure when our cat goes. I don’t want another animal, at least half our early marriage fights were about this cat.

      And just like siblings, best friends aren’t guaranteed. My son is 7 and the cat (which predates him) is only now starting to pay attention to him.

      1. That’s because cats are jerks. I said it ;)
        Get a dog and you all will be happier!

        1. Ugh, every time someone tells me they got a dog, I secretly think “congratulations for ruining your life!” I love other peoples’ dogs but I don’t want them smelling up my house and having to wash their paws after a muddy walk.

          1. Agree. I have been a cat parent most of my adult life, but I am so turned off by anything involving dogs.

          2. Cat homes smell wayyyyy worse than dog homes

            And I’ll never ever eat anything prepared by a home with cats in it.

        2. Not a sure thing about dogs either! We have a chihuahuha mix, so pretty different than something like a golden retriever, but she was terrified of my kid for about 5 years and now is less terrified but still actively avoids her. She barks and gets defensive if she perceives someone outside our family trying to hurt any of us (kid included) but she’s never been a play mate to the kid in any real sense. (Kid couldn’t care less, most of her friends are Asian and don’t have pets, and we don’t plan to replace the dog when she dies.)

    4. TBH a kid growing up with a dog will add a certain level of dirt that is ultimately healthy and will get their immune system to see dirt not as a threat rising to the level of allergy but as mere dirt that is NBD. It’s work and I’d not adopt a puppy with a small child in the house already, but a chill older dog. Dirt is a gift. Our ancestors had animals, dirt floors, and probably lice. But no allergies. Allergies are a lifetime of misery. Get the dog.

      1. lol no. Yes I agree that we’ve become a little too hand sanitized but that doesn’t mean OP is required to have an animal inside her home that is using a litter box or walking around outside doing its business and then sitting on OPs sofa if she’s not comfortable. She can and should expose her child to dirt – planting gardens and playing outside does that. As does not whipping out a can of Lysol at every turn of the step. That’s how all the immigrant families I knew grew up in the 80s and 90s including mine did it. No animals in the home but plenty of chances to get dirty without the parents freaking out.

        1. The problem with larger animals is that we can see them. There are so many that we can’t. They hide or they are too small. But read the book Never Alone and maybe the dog won’t seem so bad.

    5. I too am from an immigrant culture and have a hard No on pets for the same reasons. Owning a pet is a lot more work than I want to take on right now. And let’s be real, the work would fall on me. If your DS wants a dog he can get one when he is old enough to live on his own.

    6. I love both cats and dogs but I agree that cat houses have a smell. Some dogs smell and others don’t as much. I think you can have a house that doesn’t smell with a dog.

      I do agree with your husband that it’s nice for a kid to grow up with a pet, especially if you don’t plan on having another child.

      1. I don’t know. I’ve never been in a dog house that didn’t at least have a whiff of dog.

    7. Without getting to your last sentence I knew immediately you were an immigrant. TBH some cultures deny animal sentience which I think is a pretty big mental hurdle to unlearn (if you’re even interested in doing so). I definitely don’t think you’re the bad guy. But as someone who has a half a pro-animal family, and a half immigrant anti-animal family, I uh definitely prefer one side of the family a lot more. The immigrant side of my family absolutely loathes that I’m an environmentalist as my day job. My anti-pet parent actually watches TV every single night with the pets now, and willingly eats vegan food, so progress was made.

    8. There’s zero guarantee that the cat will be anyone’s best friend. A dog could be DS’s best friend or he could decide you or DH are his person. So no I wouldn’t go for this just because DH has television show fantasies of his boy and his dog growing up together.

      1. I am allergic to cats but take my kids to a cat cafe to get their animal fix periodically. Very bougie, but better than any alternative. And the petting zoo.

      2. Good rescues these days have placement services with trial periods to try to ensure a good fit. If it’s not anyone’s best friend, they will try again with another animal.

        Some breeders marketing therapy animals will also guarantee a good fit though working with breeders can be very buyer beware.

    9. Don’t get a pet if you’re not 100% on board and willing to love it and treat it as part of your family. Because it is a family member.

        1. Right! I love my dog to high heaven. She does add work to my life. It makes me sad to think about her living in a home where she wasn’t wanted by everyone there!

          You don’t have to love pets, OP. Lots of people don’t, and that’s just fine.

    10. I didn’t grow up with pets but wished I had. I got a dog as an adult and I don’t think our house smells at all. I’m very sensitive to that. We have a poodle mix we groom regularly. As to the dirtiness aspect, I have a very fancy house and the dog brings no more dirt in than the people. If she gets muddy or something on a walk, then we wash her off. But otherwise it’s imaginary dirt. I don’t have cats but friends who do have convinced me smells are from the litter box and you can get kinds that clean more and prevent that issue. I’m a dog person so I haven’t investigated specifics. The TL/DR they’re not actually as dirty as you think. And pretty wonderful.

      1. Agree with this take. I’ve had several dogs over the years and currently have two cats. One cat is long haired and not the cleanest. I don’t know if that’s just personality or if he lacked some guidance from his mother. But my shorthaired cat is very clean and doesn’t create much smell in the (cleaned twice a day) litterbox. The kind of litter you use matters. The kind you get at the grocery store has a strong smell I find. Same thing with dogs. I have a Yorkie now who is very small and does not shed. She needs to be taken to the groomers every couple of months for bathing and clipping, but does not smell in between. I don’t know how you predict which cats are going to be clean, although I recommend choosing short haired for sure, but purebred dogs from a good breeder should be fairly predictable.

      2. My dog is cleaner than many people. I’m not getting all the negativity on here, unless they just happen to know people with unwashed, smelly breeds.

          1. I get that this is a comeback, but there is actual scientific literature on the cleanliness of human vs. canine mouths.

    11. NTA – I enjoy petting other people’s pets, I’d like a pet in theory but the reality is that I also don’t like the gross dirt factor, time, or patience required for an animal in my home. I don’t want to pick up after a dog or clean litter boxes. The hair and dander gets everywhere, and animals smell, have accidents, and medical emergencies that become expensive. Both dogs and cats can demand attention like toddlers and I find repetitive behavior like barking or jumping in my space irritating.

      I think in a house where 1 person really wants a pet and the other doesn’t, the daily care of the pet has to be 95-100% the wanters responsibility (emergencies and extenuating circumstances off course exist). And you’re getting a regular cleaning service. And the pet is getting professionally groomed on a regular schedule.

      Is there a shelter or something he (and eventually kid) could volunteer at instead?

    12. You could always be like my dad: he didn’t want a dog, was out numbered 4:1 and so we got one.

      We adopted a 2 year old dog so to avoid having a puppy. My dad and the dog had a truce for years. They just kind of ignored each other.

      Then I went to college (I was probably the “closest” with our dog) and without me there the dog glommed onto my dad and they became mutual best friends. My dad ultimately fulfilled the “dad who didn’t want a dog who loves the dog the most” stereotype, but it took 9 years.

      1. My husband was an absolute no on dogs for years. Then we met a rescue dog out for a walk with his foster, and my husband had to admit that it was a great dog and ok we could adopt a dog but it wasn’t going to be his dog. Guess who is the dog’s best friend now. My husband talks about the dog more than he talks about our kids haha.

    13. Don’t get a pet unless you are both on board. If you’re diligent about cleaning litter boxes, I doubt one cat would cause that much smell. My cats are actually good about not jumping in counters. But I love cuddling with them on the couch and bed.

      I’m from an immigrant family too and grew up without pets. My husband grew up in the country and had outdoor cats. We never planned on having pets after we got pets, but then the Cat Distribution System has given us several cats over the years. The positive impact cats have had on my mental health is not something I counted on or understood before having one of my own.

      I’m not going to convince you get a pet if you really don’t want one. Your husband and son as he gets older can volunteer at a shelter to get involved with animal care.

      1. Maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part, but if you diligently take care of the litter box situation, I don’t associate a certain smell with cats, as opposed to dogs.

        That said, it is perfectly fine to not want an indoor pet, OP! Pet life is not for everyone. We had an 8-month break in cat ownership, and I’ll admit that there were some things like litter box cleanup that I didn’t miss much. But, in the end, I decided the cat-free life was not for me. Our young cat brings so much joy and humor to our family.

          2. Dogs smell. And depending on the dog, it can go from a whiff to full on reek. Water dogs with oilier coats, like labs, smell stronger. Hounds are the worst.

          3. Dogs smell like dogs and I say that as a dog lover. You get used to the things you’re constantly around and you stop smelling them (that’s science) but if you think other people’s cats smell but your dog does not, that’s your own nose blindness talking.

        2. Cats do also have a distinct smell. It doesn’t always stand out because it’s very similar to the smell of wood and books, which a lot of houses smell like already.

          A lot of things smell! I didn’t realize until I stopped being one of them that humans who eat dairy products smell cheesy. Now that I eat dairy again myself I don’t notice it. Apparently it’s something that was often noted of Europeans by people whose diets didn’t contain dairy!

      2. Oh my goodness, I KNEW there was a Cat Distribution System — and finally someone else knows about it, too!

        Shortly after I crossed a major birthday, a cat showed up at my front door, yowling to be let in, because now I was apparently officially “cat lady” age.

        OP, be on your guard around major birthdays. That Distribution System is efficient.

        1. There’s a whole sub on R*ddit for the CDS! I have five cats currently and two have passed away, and they were all CDS kitties.

      3. My cats have all come to me through the cat distribution system. Somehow I’ve never had more than 1-2 at a time. I don’t know how the system knows not to send a third when I already have two, but it has always held. When my prior cat died in 2010 (RIP to the best cat ever), we were only catless for a couple of months when two feral brother kittens adopted us. They’re distinguished senior citizens now and the farthest possible thing from feral. Wonder what will happen when they finally go.

    14. i dont want a pet. DH comes from a dog family and my kids are starting to ask. though the reason i dont want it is because DH travels a lot for work, so i’ll be the one dealing with the dog and its not something I want to spend time dealing with

      1. How old are the kids? We were 8 and 10 when we got a dog. My parents did zero day to day pet management (they obviously handled things like buying supplies, the vet, and medications).

        My parents loved the dog and wanted him, but feeding, walking, cleaning up the yard, etc we’re all on us.

        1. But then when the kids don’t live there anymore, this poster would have 100% of the day to day responsibilities. She doesn’t have to get one if she doesn’t want.

    15. I think household cleanliness is more about cleaning than anything else. More household members always requires more cleaning, whether it’s a husband or kids or an animal.

      Ask yourself if the odors are cleanliness related. Sometimes it’s not the house that needs cleaning, it’s the dog! Many people with cats use a clay based litter which has a strong and distinct smell of its own. I’ve noticed that cat cafes avoid it for that reason.

    16. If you hate pets don’t get one. I think it’s dad and dumb and my cat has never once gotten on a counter but who cares it’s your life and your marriage.

    17. I don’t get it. I grew up around plenty of immigrants outside of NYC (almost the point of saying I grew up around mostly immigrants) and don’t remember any particular group being anti-pet. We all rented tiny apartments and some people had houses and if people didn’t have a dog, it was landlord-related. But most people had some pet, usually a dog or a cat. The allergic kids got fish. This is news to me.

      1. Oh boy between this thread and the political discourse right now I can’t believe we are having this conversation. Obviously not all immigrants are anti-pet; we are not a monolith. I’ll give myself as an example; I am Indian-American. Most of my relatives in India don’t have pets. Some have dogs that are mainly for security – they are trained to attack intruders. People don’t walk dogs because the streets are crowded and there are stray dogs around. Dogs can track dirt inside and that is a real concern in parts of India where public sanitation is an issue. It is forbidden for upper-caste Hindus to deal with animal excrement. For all those reasons our parents never allowed pets, and many of us 2nd generation Indian-Americans still have the mentality that pets will make your house dirty. That said, OP shouldn’t be pressured by DH to get a pet.

        1. My husband is white and his knowledge of India is limited to . . . food. I’m going to tell him that I am forbidden from picking up after our dog by heritage. But I can walk and snuggle. I think he may be aware that there was a caste system but not the ins and outs. Trying this . . .

          To be fair, my white neighbors have a service that comes and picks the poop up from their yard. I think that letting it sit is worse, but that is out there. As for tracking in mud, someone please get my spouse and kids to be better about that. The gunk and mulch chips even make it upstairs. Don’t even get me started on how using the kitchen makes the kitchen messy.

    18. I would not get a pet because of the cleanliness part. I know a lot of it depends on how clean you keep it but it is a lot of extra work. I’ve seen friends who have houses I think is clean enough + a pet and it requires a LOT of work, and because of course the pet lives there too that’s still not guaranteed

    19. I grew up on a farm; we always had barn cats and outdoor dogs and I loved them – but absolutely no animals in the house. Now that I live in the city I can’t wrap my mind around having animals in the house. I would love a dog but I agree, every home I have ever been in that has had a pet has a smell (not necessarily a *bad* smell, but definitely a certain animal smell). The owners don’t smell it. My brother has a dog and I am there a lot – they vacuum every day, dog is groomed frequently, they keep everything super clean. I know their house is clean but it smells, very faintly, like dog. If we ever moved out to the country (unlikely) I would get some barn cats and an outdoor dog the day we moved in.

    20. Yes. Most houses with pets smell bad. Hair everywhere, etc. It grosses me out. It’s not for me. I was raised in an immigrant household though, so maybe that plays a part. But I know tons of people from my community who adore their pets.

    21. Anecdata: I grew up with indoor and outdoor pets, was exposed to massive amounts of dirt in my rural hometown, and have still developed allergies to all the stuff I was exposed to.

      Homes with indoor pets do smell. There are degrees, and degrees of pet hair issues and litterbox issues, but yes, they smell. Clothes like jackets and sweaters also smell, if they are less frequently washed items.

      If you can’t reach a point where the smell gives you the happy fuzzies because you associate it with a beloved pet, don’t get a pet. You will get desensitised to it, and it will be part of your home’s smell like the other smells from food and detergent, but it will be there (unless you have a mansion with a dog wing…).

      Visitors will be the ones who can notice the most, after a while, like how you notice the smell now.

    22. I LOVE my dog – she’s my first and only. She is my first child. I grew up in a house with no pets. That said, I will not get another dog once she’s gone. She’s destroyed our home. She’s well trained, doesn’t chew or do anything particularly flagrant – just very run of the mill dog stuff.

      Also, my yard. It’s a complete disaster. Beyond the fact everyone else in the house got lazy a few years ago and doesn’t clean up after her #2s, it’s just completely torn up, bleached out and gross.

      So, I say, if you’re not 100% on board, the answer is no.

    23. If you don’t want a pet, that’s fine, and I will also say if you want a compromise, though this seems to be a controversial opinion this day in age, but: depending on where you live and your yard setup, pets don’t have to live inside, or at least in the entire house. I grew up in the South, where winters were mild, and most people’s dogs lived outside, then came inside either in the garage (because no one actually uses their garage for their cars in the South…) or in 1 or 2 designated rooms in the house (delineated with baby gates) in bad weather.

      1. I’m in the Bay Area and my two cats and my neighbors’ cats have always been indoor outdoor. Not least because my cats started out feral and adopted us. We also have wild rats around here because of all the greenery, and at least two of the local cats are excellent rat hunters. My main hunter appears to have retired and is strictly a lap cat now.

    24. I suspected you were from an immigrant family before I got to the last line. My daughter has Asian immigrant friends who aren’t allowed to play at our house because of our dog (no allergy, their culture just thinks pets are unclean). I don’t think the issue here is really pets or no pets; it’s your DH going back on what he agreed to. You agreed to no pets before marriage, you’re NTA for expecting him to stick to that.

    25. My house never smelled like a litter box because the litter box is kept away from the places people socialize, near an open window, and I cleaned it at least twice a day and completely changed the litter weekly. I have one cat.

      Now DH is on litter box duty and I’m always on him about cleaning it. Doesn’t help that my nose is suuuuuper sensitive rn, I basically know the cat is peeing the moment he starts digging around the box. It’s honestly one of the biggest fights in our marriage. It sounds weird but I can’t wait until I’m medically cleared to clean the litter box again!

    26. As someone with a well developed sense of smell, I will tell you, your house smells. Your house smells like you, your house smells like what you last cooked, your house smells like the garbage disposal, your house smells like your garbage bins, your house smells like your body odor. Pets may add another layer of scent, but your house is absolutely not unscented. No one else is unscented.

        1. Keto = the worst breath, in my experience. Every man in my life (husband, BIL, son) have had breath that smells like rotting garbage while they were in Ketosis.

          1. This means they were doing it wrong by eating too much protein and burning protein for energy. This is hard on your kidneys and also causes horrendous bad breath. The diets used to achieve ketosis in medical contexts are lower protein and higher fat.

          2. Even doing ketosis ‘right’ it does wild stuff to BO and they STANK. It’s like old person smell but with added decay.

          3. Maybe so! Major dietary changes can cause dysbiosis and indigestion of all kinds. I just worry when people aren’t aware that the bad breath is a medical symptom if they’re playing around with their diet without medical supervision.

      2. This.

        Realistically our homes are also full of germs; even if we clean a lot, we are not living in an OR. It’s good to keep things clean, but even many very immune suppressed people can live with animals, especially animals that have lived soft, sheltered lives themselves and not been exposed to diseases, pathogens, and parasites on the streets.

    27. Just say No to dogs and cats. Y’all agreed. He needs to stop whining. I had goldfish growing up (in addition to the dog), and I enjoyed them very much.

      From what I’ve read here over the years, and from what I’ve seen when babysitting, kids in the last 20-30 years are not given as many chores as we used to have. My brother and I had to take care of the dog from the ages of 5 (me) and 8 (him). He scooped the poop, I brushed and bathed. We alternated meals, and I usually walked it. My parents only had to take us to the vet and pay for it (once in a blue moon, not hte annual “well dog” visits people do now, either). I hardly ever see or hear about kids actually taking care of their pets. It usually falls to the mother, along with so much else.

    28. I don’t believe you’re being a bad guy — this is something that really is a matter of personal preference. I’m a dog person, I love dogs, and for me the tradeoffs are worth it, but I respect that not everyone feels that way. However, I do want to note that there are things you can do to mitigate the dirtiness. Choose a low or non-shedding breed, get a system for cleaning your dog’s feet when they come inside, ensure regular grooming, get roombas. Choose a breed with hair that is less likely to collect dirt, mud, or waste. Smaller breeds are also generally easier to keep clean and clean up after. Dogs can be trained to keep their feet off of furniture, and even trained to avoid certain areas of the house entirely. Ultimately, it’s not a good idea to get a pet when the entire household isn’t on board. That’s just asking for problems, so I support your decision not to give in to something you aren’t supportive of and don’t think you’ll come around to.

      1. +1. As someone who grew up with a small, non shedding dog breed I get grossed out by certain homes with shedding dogs. There’s a big difference in smell, drool, and ambient fur across breeds. If your choice is between a mini poodle and no dog at all don’t feel guilted into adopting from a shelter. Plus dogs are limited to the floor and whatever furniture you allow them on.

        Cats can and do jump onto every available surface. I once watched my friend’s cat go directly from its litter box to the kitchen counter. You can’t convince me any cat owning house is truly clean.

    29. It’s totally fine not to want a pet. We didn’t have any because my mom didn’t want to deal with the additional cleaning and none of us grew up emotionally stunted or with impaired immune systems. If it turns out your son loves dogs, he can volunteer to walk one for the neighbors.

    30. Honestly, I feel like pets are dirty and I’m a pretty basic non-immigrant white American. For me, it’s too much work for not enough reward. I don’t ever plan to have a cat or dog. If my kids want a pet, they can get jobs at one of the pet boarding facilities near our house when they’re older.

    31. You’re not being weird. Even the cleanest pet will shed, make an occasional mess (stuff caught in-between toes, food falls out of bowl, accidental vomit or broken vase…).
      My mom is a clean-freak, so when we had our beloved cat, she was vacuuming or dry-mopping floors 2x day.

      If you are the one doing the cleaning, I believe you are the one with the final call as the pet will most likely add extra work for you (extra cleaning, remembering to book vet appointments, keeping pet food on shopping list). I swear one can grow up without pets and still be a complete and loving adult. Plus – you could find out your kid is allergic to pets only once you have the pet living with you (happened to me).

      For what it’s worth, I believe cats are lesser evil when it comes to cleanliness. They are mostly indoors, clean themselves obsessively, the worst part was the shedding, which is still manageable (just vacuum regularly). Our cat was castrated when he was 1yo, so we never had a problem with him marking his territory. And he was a clean freak, he smelled like a plush toy.

    32. I am a huge dog lover who desperately wanted one growing up (and never had one). Does DH actually want the pet for himself or the buddy thing? You’re not the bad guy for not changing your mind, but DH isn’t necessarily an AH either for changing his. If you’re actually interested in seeing how a pet compares to your idea of one – fostering is a great way to test run what it’s like.
      IME, small dogs = less mess (even if they shed, it’s still less surface area..) and my dogs have not been the type to like rolling around in grossness or eating feces or whatever. All dogs will have accidents sometimes, but it’s all cleanable, just like kids..
      We keep their paw & butt fur short so they’re not bringing stuff in, etc. there are ways to have less messy pets – but if you think dogs are baseline gross, I don’t think you should own one. They deserve a loving home.

      No experience owning cats so won’t comment there.

    33. My cats don’t jump on counters — but not all cats actually prefer heights. The cats that do usually do it for that reason and can be diverted with other climbing surfaces. And the smell can be addressed with regular cleaning and air purifiers. But no, you shouldn’t have a pet you don’t want just like people shouldn’t have kids they don’t want. An animal deserves a loving home.

    34. We didn’t get pets because I hate the peculiar smell too. Gets worse with humidity. Plus I’d have had to do all the pet related stuff despite being the one who didn’t want any. Luckily n my husband is anti pets too.

  13. Does anyone have a barn coat that they like? I love the style so am excited they’re in this year.

    I want something rugged enough to actually be useful when working outside but fashionable enough to be worn out and about.

    1. No but I am really flashing back to the late 80s when obtaining the perfect barn coat took up a lot of space in my head.

      2. OMG, I’m actually wondering if you’re my former coworker. I had never heard of a barn coat before her (which is kind of funny because I had an actual barn growing up in my rural hometown) but it was all she talked about. I started my job there at 1988. She did look great, actually, once she got the perfect barn coat look going.

        1. I was in high school in DMV then, but it was super trendy in my circles at the time.

    2. Gah, I love the style SO MUCH but I don’t feel like I’d get enough wear out of one. Although I wish I spent every fall weekend traipsing through fields, that is not my life, lol.

      1. I live in the city and I am planning on buying one. You don’t need a barn or a field to wear one!

        2. You can find them on Poshmark for less than retail! I’ve bought all of mine this way. I’ve gone to a store to try them on for sizing and then search on Poshmark.

      3. There is an actual farm & working barn in my extended family. The barn houses litter after litter of barn cats to keep up with mice etc. One year my farm cousins named all the kittens after their cousins. I’m proud to report that the barn cat named after me was the longest living & healthiest and became the matriarch/ Grande Dame of the barn cats. I consider this a top personal accomplishment.

    7. I got a Barbour Beadnell and the liner a few years back and it’s great for wet fall/winter weather though not for true winter (even with the vest zipped in). I really appreciate how there are SO many pockets. Boden and Joules probably make the best knock offs imho.

  14. For those of you who do the oral minoxidil, how noticeable was the “initial shedding” stage? Picking up my Rx this week – I am starting at 1/4 of a 2.5 mg pill.

    1. Related, if anyone originally did topical minoxidil on the hairline and then switched to oral, did you still have all over shedding or was it limited to the non-hairline area?

      1. I switched to oral minoxidil and stopper the topical. There is a lot of shedding and I am thinking of adding the topical solution. Would like to hear more from others.

    2. I’m about 7 weeks in, and the shedding is starting to taper off. There was plenty of fallout in my comb every morning though. My hair is past my shoulders, so the longer hairs falling out appeared to be a lot.

    3. I started on oral minoxidil earlier this year after using the topical for about 3.5 years. I noticed shedding after starting the topical, but not after starting the oral. It seemed to me that part of the shedding effect was from massaging the topical into my scalp; like the new routine of daily massaging was loosening hairs that were close to shedding anyway. That stopped pretty quickly, like maybe within a few weeks IIRC. In my case, it took a long time to notice new growth — over a year after starting the topical, so be patient. I love the oral version. So much easier than the topical and I’m seeing better growth.

  15. If you needed a basic makeup tutorial plus advice on the right products/ colors for your skin, would you go to Sephora? Or a department store makeup counter? I basically apply makeup the same way I was taught by a family friend selling for Mary Kay in the 1990s. Everyone’s makeup looks so cute these days and I’m clueless. I know I could watch Youtube, but I also don’t know what to buy and getting the wrong colors is expensive.

    1. If you see makeup you like on an influencer or celebrity, if you google their name + makeup routine you will likely find a video or article of them talking about what they do. I swear by the Addison Rae makeup tutorial from 4 years ago that’s on YouTube, haha, and I’m 37. It takes me 5 minutes to do and I regularly get complimented on my makeup.

      I did not wear makeup at all until my late 20s and I used YouTube videos, but I think the shorter TikTok videos are probably better for a beginner.

      Sephora is fine for color matching but I’ve found the tutorials to be hit or miss. A few friends have hired makeup artists to come to their home and teach them how to apply makeup which they have found very helpful.

    2. I would go to Sephora or Ulta to find the right products and colors, and then rely on YouTube for tutorials. So much about application is personal taste and preferences, imo.

    3. Going to Ulta or Sephora and just sampling/playing with colors might help here, in terms of not making a costly mistake. You can also try softer versions of products, like sheer gloss, cream blush, buildable eyeshadow with a bit of shimmer–stuff that doesn’t require a perfectly steady hand and a plan like many matte, high intensity pigment products do.

      The key to good makeup looks is application (and this includes brushes, don’t use the little sponge applicators that come in the packages) and knowing your undertones, and not just the cool or warm part. Do you lean olive, gray, peach, yellow, etc? I don’t think it has to be 100% perfect, but knowing that you’re a cool olive or warm bronze makes a big difference in being able to match foundations and other shades.

    4. For product, you may need to try a bunch of stuff until you land on something you like — do not be shy in asking for samples! However, I believe that the other half of the make-up equation is at least as important: application.

      My two favorite make-up artists to watch for application advice and demos are Lisa Eldridge and Wayne Goss. Even though they have both put their name on products, they don’t use their videos to push product. If you poke around through their back library for a while, you will begin to understand that their underlying philosophy is. You can branch out from there.

  16. How close are you with your in laws? I would have loved a big close extended in law family but the problem is, after nearly a decade, I just don’t like my MIL and FIL. I tolerate them as politely as I can but I can’t see our relationship ever truly warming. My SIL is ok, but we are very very different and although I like her well enough, we won’t ever be besties.

    1. You don’t have to be best friends with someone just because you’re related. This goes for blood relatives and in laws.

      1. I certainly wouldn’t be friends with my sister IRL. I’m seeing her next week and already dreading it.

        1. I felt this way about my brother up until this summer. He was a blue collar rural guy that was very pro Trump blah blah. Then he joined the union for his trade, completely 180, my brother is honestly a wonderful human now. It was an absolute miracle.

    2. I like my MIL just fine, but we don’t have much in common besides DH and our kids. That has limited the closeness of our relationship. I am not especially bothered by it. If anything, I think my MIL would like a closer relationship, but I’m just not there.

      DH’s extended family is pretty big. We are close to one of DH’s uncles and a couple of his cousins. The rest of them, I can only take in small doses. They are loud, opinionated, and frankly just not my kind of people. But, he feels the same way, so any pressure I feel to be close is coming from the ILs, not DH.

      Being cordial but not close is not the worst place to be.

    3. My FIL and his partner are strangers. They moved abroad the year we got married, and I’ve seen them 2x since, very briefly. They were supposed to spend the day with us but cancelled because it was raining, so we ended up meeting them in a hotel bar with our then toddler. My husband has gone to visit 2x but it’s not a trip that feels worth it with a kid.
      My MIL and her wife, we’re closer to it’s complicated. On paper we should get along quite well, we’re all quite artsy, like theatre, and literature, but they drive me up the wall. My MIL comes and visits and is fine, her wife and my husband don’t always gets along and she wants pampering. They once made me cry because they acted like I was abusive for removing an overtired, overexcited child from the table, bringing him into the kitchen to eat with me. Once I stayed with them while travelling for work, and that was easier, because the focus was on shared interests rather than the familial dynamics.

    4. FIL are fundamentally different people and I would never choose to spend time with him if we weren’t related. The thing we have in common is that we both love my husband. My own family is awesome so I don’t feel like I’m missing something there.

    5. I’m lucky to have good in-laws, and I’m pretty close with them. DH has a big family, with divorced + remarried parents, a sister, 2 step-siblings on each side, and siblings’ spouses and kids. A lot of the family is local or lives close enough to drive in pretty frequently. We typically have a large gathering with FIL’s family at least once per month, and I might see FIL and/or step-MIL once or twice besides that. MIL comes and goes a bit, depending on her husband’s health and who knows what else, but when we see her, she’ll come over for a whole day and help with a project (a couple of weeks ago, she helped recover our kitchen chairs) and sometimes stay overnight. We’ve gone on a few short trips with FIL and step-MIL, and they’ve been fine. We go to the beach every year with MIL and SIL and her family. Outside of actual visits, I’m sometimes around for Facetime calls or calls on speaker, and I’ll text back and forth when something reminds me of a conversation we had, or I have a cute story about my son to share, etc.

      I’m not “besties” with any of my SILs, but I do genuinely like them and enjoy spending time with them. They’re smart, funny, compassionate, interesting, lovely people. We have enough common ground between the kids, books and tv, sports, their much more interesting jobs, etc., to have good conversations when we get together. If family issues come up, we can discuss them openly. But I don’t hang out with them outside of family gatherings, or have separate text threads with them like DH does with his immediate family members.

    6. This is how I feel about my in laws. It’s pretty complicated (DH is white and I am not, and this has been an issue in the past), but suffice to say I tolerate them and my BIL is…. we are just fundamentally different people and we are okay not spending a ton of time with them. It’s a bit of a disappointment to me as I too wanted a big extended/in law family where we at least enjoyed each others’ company a little bit, but that hasn’t been the case so far 15 years in. I’m okay with it and looking to build community elsewhere.

    7. My in-laws insisted on treating me differently than they treated their other DILs/SILs. Some of them were absolute raging psychos to me, for no reason except their own insecurities and problems.

      After spending several years attempting to establish healthy boundaries and have a normal relationship, I peaced out of all interactions with every single one of them. My life is better for it.

      It used to hurt. It ripped me apart that they couldn’t just treat me the same way everyone else was treated. At this point, I’m over it and don’t want to spend my limited time on earth dealing with their drama, manipulation, and emotional immaturity.

      1. +1; this was my experience. MIL said she was going to treat everyone the same, but it was just gaslighting.

    8. I am married to my second husband, and he was also married before. I married my college boyfriend right after we graduated (don’t be me!) and his mother never warmed to me despite the fact that we were married for a decade. We did the obligatory holiday visits but it was always miserable. She hated me because I didn’t change my last name – thank god I didn’t, in hindsight! – I had a career that eventually eclipsed her son’s, and she was convinced we were sleeping together in college. Which we were because duh! But I was always going to be the hussy who corrupted her son. Weird because she didn’t seem to love him very much either.

      My current in laws are fine but geographically far enough away that I almost never see them. When my husband’s last remaining parent was still alive, we went to see her regularly (a 5 hour flight plus a 4 hour drive,) and she was sweet but I can’t say I ever really felt like she knew me. My husband’s siblings do not get together at all now that their parents are both gone.

      The bonus relationship in all of this is that my current husband and my mom adored each other. They hit it off instantly and were the best of buddies until she passed. I’m so glad she got her bonus son later in life.

    9. We both live closer to and have more in common with my family, but I do like my in laws quite a bit. There are some pretty big differences (they’re conservative, religious, and rural. I’m liberal, agnostic, and a never met someone who hunted til I met my FIL) but we’re able to look past them. Honestly I pretty rarely talk politics or religion with my husband or my parents because we’re all set in our views and our views don’t align (though my parents are right of center they’re not far right; my husband is to the right of them but still not far right. My in laws are all Trumpers and I think my one SIL and her husband are Q Anon, but honestly if they are I’d rather not know). At least a few of them are antivaxxers and I worked in equitable distribution of the Covid vaccine to underserved populations.

      My DH and I grew up more or less in the same economic situation, but different classes and different priorities. I’d say my family is WASPy genteel middle class and his family is rural middle class but live like they’re poorer than they are (they’re from a pretty hick area so pretty much adopt that lifestyle). So like I went to prep school and grew up sailing and feel equally comfortable at a country club black tie event as I do in work clothes doing manual labor on the boat or 1800s house, whereas they questioned my DH for getting his bachelors (let alone his masters) and he’s very comfortable with the manual labor part, he didn’t own a blazer til college.

      But we all love the outdoors and being active and sports and other things, so we have plenty in common when we get together (like my DH, SILs, and I have run a few trail marathons and ultras together and had a blast).

      On paper I’d have nothing in common with my inlaws and probably wouldn’t like them but I do really like them.

      We don’t have kids yet, but they respect our choices so I don’t see them becoming annoying or difficult about the fact that we will definitely make some different choices than they did.

    10. Not very close. My MIL and SIL are fine but very reserved. I’m also fairly reserved, and we’ve never broken through and gotten to the point of being good friends, only polite acquaintances. I also think we don’t have a ton in common. My FIL is cruel and emotionally abusive and I want him around me and my kids as little as possible. After an incident a few years ago he’s no longer allowed as a guest in our home (he can visit but not stay here) but he has health problems that make travel complicated anyway. I mostly let DH take the kids to my in-laws for visits, although MIL sometimes comes alone, which is fine.

      1. I hope this isn’t unbelievably rude, but I’m curious about the incident.

        My ex BIL was no longer welcome in my life after he pushed my mother to the ground when she didn’t want to let him into her home to fight with my sister, who had gone to my mom’s house for safety.

        My mom used a walker, she wasn’t strong, and he pushed her down. He can rot in hell for all I care.

    1. Yes! Highly recommend – I have a wide forefoot and they are perfect. What can I help with? :)

    2. I have them in the wider fit, and love them. Had to size up one size compared to Arizona sandals.

    4. I love them. I found a nearly new pair at Goodwill and when they wear out, will happily pay full price. They are one size larger than my sandals, and fit perfectly, so maybe consider sizing up. It worked for me.

    5. Thanks all – two main questions were fit and if they’re heavy?

      I love my other Birks so much I’m looking forward to having a sneaker option!

      1. They fit me the same as my Franca sandals. I have the slip ons and love them. They are heavier than some sneakers but heavy like a birk sandal is heavier than a flip flop because of the cork sole. They don’t feel clunky like a lug sole.

  18. is a naval ROTC building on a college campus considered federal property? or state property? Like if someone vandalizes it have they committed a federal or state crime?

    1. Depends who owns the building, and if university owned, if it’s officially rented by the Navy.

      Most likely it’s totally university property.

      1. obviously not. i’m curious about the consequences for the individuals who vandalized the ROTC building at UNC last week

  19. I really want to start having people over more often. Not “entertaining” or anything formal, just chill, casual get-togethers. The problem is I have no model for this! I just want an open-door policy on Sundays, a big pot of stew or chili going, and a house full of friends and family. It’s about building community and breaking bread together, not showing off my cooking skills or my home (neither of which is particularly impressive!).

    No one I know does anything like this, and that’s part of the reason I want to start—American life feels so siloed to me based on age, whether or not you’re a parent, and a general sense of pervasive “busyness” that means few people I know host. How do I start? Has anyone done this?

    1. Ooh that’s lovely. The winter seems to be more conducive to this type of hosting. Less competition from other activities. We sometimes do soup and homemade bread on winter Sundays, and invite my son’s friends families over for dinner. And we did a hot chocolate and cinnamon bun party at Christmas that people loved.

      I think you just need to pick a date and start doing it. Maybe you send out a general invite for the first Sunday of every month. People know to join when they can. Set up a Whatsapp group so people feel some FOMO if they can’t make it.

      1. I like the “First Sunday” idea (could be any week) because if you just say it is every week, it will feel fine for people to miss it bc they know there is always next week. But I’d start with a one-time event with plenty of advance notice and make it feel important. Invite people who might not know each other (or not well) who might like each other and want another chance to socialize. Then you can ease into “this was so great, I’m going to do it again.” Also, I think with something like this, you can sometimes send a text or call some people casually a few days in advance and say – hey, why don’t you all come for early supper on Sunday. If you get a few yeses, then you can make random invitations even on the day, esp to people without kids. (I have neighbor friends who do and it is always so nice to suddenly not have to cook that night.) Send a text or ask when you see someone in the neighborhood. They might not come the first time, but if they see a bunch of cars out front they might come the next time. (I’d like to do this, too, once I make a few home repairs/improvements.)

    2. You start by inviting people :)
      But I’d also rethink the “showing off”part of cooking and decor. You don’t have to be Martha Stewart but I do think it helps to serve good food in a comfortable space. I’d never say it to someone’s face but I’m not inclined to go back to something like you describe if the food is terrible or I’m searching for a spot to sit absent some absolutely amazing conversation. I host things like this pretty often and the keys are clean up your space, make something delicious (or buy something delicious if you aren’t a cook) and be really intentional with your guest list. Make sure there’s people who will get along and keep the conversation going.

    4. My friends with a pool do this every Sunday afternoon from Memorial Day through mid September! They do a BYOB model: everyone brings a snack to share and some beer (or whatever you want to drink), they provide the pool, a snack, some water, and the music. It’s ~12-4. It’s all very laid back. There are probably 10 or so regulars, another 10 or 15 people on the text chain, and it’s open house style so plenty of more peripheral folks who make an appearance here and there. Some weeks it’s just 5 or 6 people, some week it’s pushing 30. If my adult kids are free they’ll join sometimes.

      They, even more importantly, have a firm “take home what your brought” rule too. That way they’re not burdened with leftovers.

      Just start a text or email chain advertising the open house and let people know the general schtick. For us it’s no meal but heavy snacks and drinks (that are byo to share). You can say you’ll have chili but invite people to bring apps, desserts, or drinks. Ley people know if you’ll have football on or if you’ll be in the yard by the fire pit or what.

      I love, love, love casual open houses like this. It’s so, so fun.

      1. wow, i love this idea so much! we dont have a pool, though – what “feature” like a pool could we plan a standing invite around? Fire pit? Outdoor movie? Hmm..

    5. Casual get-togethers are the best. I think you just need to jump in and do it! DH and I don’t have anything quite as structured as “every Sunday,” but we host a lot of backyard patio hangouts during the summer months because we have a nice backyard that we want to enjoy with our people. Usually the invite is something like, “hey, we’re having wine on the patio on Saturday at 7. if you’re free, join us!”

    6. Soup Sunday! We did this prior to Covid. Just big pots of soup, rolls and bread and everyone was welcome.

    7. Sundays in the fall are perfect because you can just invite a large group over for the game!

      1. The game? It sounded great until then but I would hard pass on going to a gathering to sit around a television.

        1. I think it’s more of an excuse to get together. The game is often just on in the background. Not to make a s3xist generalization, but it often looks like the women and some men socializing with only the few super fans watching the game.

        2. No one actually watches the game. By no one I mean there’s maybe 2-3 guys glued to the TV, everyone else wanders around or hangs out in the kitchen.

          I was very confused the first time I went to a friend’s Super Bowl party and they arranged chairs in front of the tv and beckoned everyone to sit before the game. Like wait we’re watching a sportsball? I usually just watch the halftime show?? It was awkward.

          1. Oh. If someone invited me over for the game and we weren’t watching I’d be upset. Ofc I expect to chat and hangout with my friends, but I also expect to watch the game!

        3. I’m from Philly and pretty much everyone follows the Birds (like the women are just as into it as the men). So we always socialize on Sundays to watch the game. It’s a good mix of chatting/hanging out and watching. Plus, people come over early or longer afterwards to hang out too.

          In my circles, no one makes plans on Sundays that aren’t featuring the game. Like every single bridal / baby shower I go to is planned around the Birds schedule.

          IME, everyone watches the Birds but only really the men (to stereotype) seriously watch other NFL games or college.

          1. I also live near Philly and I absolutely hate that social plans on Sundays have to revolve around a team for nearly 6 months of the year. I still don’t understand why people can’t record the game and watch it later. I’m a big TV watcher and even I have never in my life been this obsessed with a TV show. It’s completely bonkers.

          2. I’m not into sports at all, but you can’t compare it to tv. Tv shows are by nature preordered entertainment. Sports are live entertainment where no one knows the ending until it ends. I’m assuming that’s part of the excitement. Personally, I wouldn’t date someone who had to watch every game or plan events around every game.

          3. On the flip side, most weeks the only TV I watch is my NFL team’s game.

            I occasionally put other sports on in the background. If I wasn’t watching sports, I could go months without turning on my TV (or watching on another device).

            I personally don’t get why people spend so much time watching TV, but I don’t judge them or openly question it like this. No need to be rude!

          4. 1) sports are totally different than a show. It’s live and the outcome matters and it’s not scripted, so no one knows what will happen. You can watch it later, but it’s not nearly as fun once you know the outcome.

            2) lots of people get together to watch exciting tv. I get together with a group of friends to watch the Bachelor live every Monday. People did it with GoT too. Frankly, idc about non-sports TV at all but it’s a fun excuse to hangout with my friends on a Monday so I join them. We have snacks and drinks and banter and the show – just like getting together for sports.

            3) I hate when guys are so into sports it’s all they do (fantasy annoys me), but I truly don’t know a person (of any gender!) who doesn’t seriously follow at least one sport. I’m a huge NFL fan, as are most of my friends and family, but my nerdy studious sports hating friend loves the MLB as does my friend who is a total twink. And most of us casually bet on sports too (like I do an NFL survivor pool and several march madness brackets each year, even though I hate fantasy sports and most sports betting).

          5. I’m the “bonkers” person – it’s not a matter of being judgy, it’s frustration. It’s so hard to get together with friends as we get older and people have little ones. Blocking out an entire day for sportsball makes something that’s hard into something impossible. I don’t mind sportsball every once in a while but I ALSO want to go to brunch or yoga in the vineyard or a ren faire or fall festival or go to the park or take a walk outside on a rare nice day in the winter. I miss my friends! It’s lonely and boring for one thing to be the center of your social life for such a huge chunk of the year!

            I’ve tried to get into it. If you can’t beat em join em, right? But I don’t think I could love anything in life as much as these people love the birds. I just don’t have that kind of emotional energy.

          6. Ok between night games and the bye there are 6 Sundays during the season where we don’t have a Sunday day game. With 4pm games it’s very doable to do something earlier in the day too (walk, brunch, yoga).

            I frequently do something fun in the morning and then go to a friend’s to watch the game.

            You can also join without making it something you’re emotionally invested in. I consider myself a huge fan, but within 5 minutes of a non-playoff game ending it’s in the past and not something that bothers me. I get annoyed with my loved ones let a games out one determine their mood for the rest of the day.

            My aunt DGAF about sports, until she goes to a watch party then she gets so into it and so nervous. It’s hilarious.

            IME, people don’t tend to do too much socially on Sundays anyways. Especially late afternoon – a

          7. Ok calling someone boring because you don’t share a hobby or interest is still judgy.

            My best friend doesn’t watch sports but doesn’t judge me for being a sports fan. I don’t really watch tv and I don’t judge her for that. I think cooking is a chore, it’s my bf’s hobby. I think puzzles are so boring but I still sit with my neighbor while she works on one.

    8. It’s hard to have people start just stopping by. Start with an occasion. A party or watching the game together. Work up to it.

      The houseful of people is not actually easy to come by as people tend to be over scheduled. I love my friends but the only time we actually manage to have an actual houseful of people is for a party or when family are in town.

    9. When I was in grad school, my then husband and I had what we called “eat and leave” dinners. We’d make a big pot of soup, invite people over to just eat and then they would leave. This worked out well because we were all busy grad students and during the middle of the week we couldn’t commit to a night of socializing but everyone has to eat. Maybe a concept like that would work?

  20. Anyone here taking semaglutide or similar and develop a resistance to it? I have been on it 8 months, lost the first 20 lbs at a good, but slow pace, but now I have been at the maximum dose for 4 months and lost nothing. My doctor keeps saying it is because I am not exercising enough or eating enough protein, but I am doing both! Maybe I need to switch to another brand? In total, I need to lose 50 lbs.

      1. I don’t think so, and I am eating similar to how I was eating when I lost the initial 20 lbs, maybe eating even more. I also do not feel as full as I used to on the meds.

        1. How would you lose weight by taking in more calories? Have you increased how many you burn through exercise? If not, that’s just how math works, no?

          1. Isn’t (at least part of) the miracle of semaglutide the appetite suppressant? And OP is no longer experiencing that effect, so wondering if she is resistant to the drug, right? But thank you for the evergreen (and ever useless) “It’s calories in, calories out, stupid” advice.

          4. Glad my question, with which it sounds like her doctor agrees, was enlightening for you! My layman’s take is that these drugs work by suppressing the appetite, which makes it easier to have a regular, ongoing calorie deficit, which results in weight loss.

            She says she is exercising (she does not say how much) and says she is taking in more calories. She seems puzzled why she has not continued to lose weight; taking in more calories than she is burning would be the most obvious reason why. She does not state whether her appetite has increased again or if she is just eating more in an attempt to hit a protein target. So there really isn’t enough information to tell her whether the drugs have stopped working for her; she would likely need to talk through the appetite details with her doctor in order to figure that out.

          6. Calories in and calories out may not work in the short term for those with certain issues, but it certainly works in the long run, and in fact is the only thing. These drugs primarily cause weight loss by making you eat less food.

            If OP has increased her food intake, that’s the obvious reason she stopped losing weight.

        2. Well, you’re not going to lose weight if you’re eating more calories than you’re expending. These may be miracle drugs, but they don’t change the laws of physics.

    2. I haven’t dealt with this personally, but I have read where people switch to Tirzepitide after experiencing stalls.

    4. I was on it and lost very little weight even at a high dose. On it for 6 months with perhaps no weight loss until the last few months and then only about 5 lbs. My provider just recently switched me to tirzepatide (sp?) (Zepbound). Too early to tell if that will make a difference. I have told myself that slow is fine although I’m paying out of pocket so I would really prefer to have a faster trajectory.

    5. Off meds, I know that delayed gastric emptying made it hard for me to put on or keep on weight, until at some point it flipped and weight became difficult to manage. It’s the better problem to have in terms of safety. But I have wondered if the weight loss effect of delayed gastric emptying would keep working for everyone or if some people would experience the same flip? I know that the meds do more than delay gastric emptying though!

          2. Eating whatever whenever can also be (very!) disordered; it’s not helpful to classify only restrictions as disordered.

          3. Right. Restrictions are not inherently disordered. Pretending like eating more or eating before bed will lead to weight loss is delusional. Sometimes you have to take steps you’ve never taken before to get different results.

          4. Eating more and eating before bed have both led to weight loss for me before, so that’s not delusional.

        1. With what? Being annoyed when ignorant people suggest upending your social life to never eat after 6, a time at which most people I know haven’t even gotten home from work?

      3. Yea, this definitely doesn’t work for me, as someone on a semiglutide. The hunger comes on fast, unlike anything prior to taking. If I’m hungry at 9, I eat at 9. I can’t always plan for or anticipate hunger because of the altered hunger cues as compared with before times.

        I’m pro eat when you’re hungry, don’t eat when you’re not – and it’s advice I hated before being on the medicine because it severely over simplified my issues, but I can now understand and (mostly) adhere to since starting the medication.

        OP, I’d recommend a week or two of tracking calories. Personally, I do not track because I cannot track for life and do not want to return to that mindset of disordered eating, which absolutely overlapped counting poitns/calories/macros. But if I plateau, I do take a hard look at eating patterns, and often that hard look is only honest for me when I’m writing it down for a few days on end.

    7. This happened to me. I lost about 35 lbs on semaglutide and hit a plateau. I switched to ZepBound and have lost 20 more pounds and no plateau yet.

    8. My doctor purposefully started me on the least effective (Saxenda) with the idea that when it began to no longer be as effective, I could move to the more effective ones. Saxenda was effective for me, but I had to switch to Wegovy due to the shortage. The plan was to switch to Zepbound if Wegovy lost its effectiveness. I’m still obese (5′, 150lbs). But I’m content where I am at 1.7 on Wegovy. I’m not actively losing anymore and could go up to the max dose. I could also switch to Zepbound eventually when it becomes covered under my insurance. But my doc was very upfront that eventually these meds would not be as effective and if I wanted to keep losing, I would have to try switching. So, yes, you will develop a type of resistance to it and it will not be as effective. You can try moving to a different brand. I’d also keep track of calories for a couple weeks to make sure you are in a deficit. You also do not want to be in too much of a deficit because your body can go into starvation mode and hold onto the weight. I feel like a broken record with this final point: The trials for these meds were achieving 5% to 15% of weight lost. Depending on where you started, you may have reached that percentage of weight lost. Even if it isn’t the 50lbs you “need” to lose, you may have achieved typical or expected results.

  21. I pretty much only ever carry on luggage (even for two weeks in Central Europe in the winter) so I don’t own (and never have owned) a larger suitcase.

    I’m starting to do more work travel, where 2-4 week trips are the norm (and not coming home over weekends). I usually drive to these trips, but sometimes fly. I can definitely get all of my clothes in a carry on but due to the length of trip I bring a lot more extras. So far I’ve traveled with my suitcase + a tote + my work bag, but I think if I got a larger suitcase I could do suitcase + work bag (putting the tote’s contents into the suitcase). The tote has things like toiletries, a few kitchen supplies, knitting or art supplies, workout stuff, cleaning (laundry and dishes) stuff. Basically stuff I don’t need for shorter trips but that’s nice to have for long trips (a preferred mug from home vs a paper cup from the hotel coffee).

    I will mostly be driving, but occasionally will fly on these trips. Work will cover up to $150 in baggage fees per flight, so I don’t have to worry about that.

    What size suitcase would you recommend? Any favorites? Any features to keep an eye out for?

    1. I really like the Eastpak rolling duffle for car trips, it’s really flexible storage and mine is 12 years old and is in mint condition, despite at least 3x yearly Ryanair trips (so they definitely aren’t gentle with your luggage). It’s light and squishes down pretty flat when empty, so could be tucked under a bed or sofa if necessary.

    2. Also, throw an AirTag or other tracker thing in your checked luggage. You can have peace of mind while waiting for it to arrive on the belt, and it can be helpful to find it if your bag goes missing.

      1. My friend’s checked luggage was “lost” by the airline with no tracking on their side at all. They had no idea. He had an air tag in his bag and he could see it was at his destination airport and they still denied it! Someone who worked for the airport had taken it to a different floor to try to steal something from it. He found it on that floor himself.

    3. I recently got a 20 inch expandable suitcase and 21 inch front pocket suitcase from Quince and I’ve been really impressed with both. I’m like you–carry on only. If I was going to add a larger suitcase, I would do an expandable 24 inch case.

      2. Seconding the Quince recommendation, I have the large one because I’m a checked bag person and I love mine. It’s really roomy, durable, the wheels are great even over European cobblestones, and the color I ordered is a bit unusual so it’s easy for me to spot at baggage claim.

  22. What’s your preferred method of dealing with post-menopausal chin hairs? They are wiry, fast growing and drive me crazy.

    2. I tweeze these. Daily. I have tweezers in my purse and my office. I use a twinkle razor for my upper lip because those tend to be much softer, slightly lighter, and more uniform in their coverage. For the chin ones, tweezers all the way. One of the fine tip ones. Also, I’m envious that yours are post-menopausal. Mine are solidly pre-menopausal.

      1. I had them pre-menopause, and I felt like I could deal with the occasional stray.
        It feels like they have 10x’ed in number post menopause!!

      2. I used to tweeze when I was pre-menopause, as my sensitive skin couldn’t tolerate waxing.
        But now I just use my tinkle razor a couple times a week, or whenever I notice.

        However, now that I have more $, I am debating electrolysis. Need to look into it. I had the impression it was “very expensive” and would have to keep going for repeat visits for months/years and it seemed kind of ridiculous when it literally takes me a few seconds a week to manage.

    4. A weekly tweeze, grabbing the bizarrely long ones (how do they grow SO fast) in between.

    5. I keep a pair of tweezers in the car. When I get home after work each evening I check my chin and lip in the visor mirror and tweeze. That harsh late afternoon light helps me find them

      1. I get the tweezers out, stand at my magnifying mirror, and shine my phone flashlight at an angle. Oh my.

  23. following up re the above semaglutide discussion. what happens when you get to maintenance mode? has anyone ever been able to successfully get off the drug and maintain their weight loss? i experience A LOT A LOT A LOT of food noise and it requires so much mental energy for me to not eat a cookie, so i am tempted to go on them, but idk how i feel about being on it for life

    1. Yes many people do. You’ll also see people gradually scaling down the dosage. I also think if it weren’t for the fatphobic culture we live in the lifetime medication would be less of a concern. Tons of people take synthroid or statins every day for life.

      1. I’m also hopeful that there will be an option to transition to an oral med for maintenance eventually (there is a lot of R&D going into this right now).

    2. Have these drugs even been around long enough to know whether people can successfully wean off them?

      1. I tried and failed. The food noise came rushing back about a month after my last injection.

        1. Same. After 7 months and 40 lbs lost I came off when I started my IVF cycle and after about a week’s pause I was back to my old normal. The upshot is that I was at least very aware of what food noise was and was able to do a bit better than when I was pre-medicine, but it was a monster struggle. I fully intend on being on it for life. If I can manage to wean, I will, but I’m accepting of it.

      3. These meds are GLP-1 analogs; they work by filling in for the GLP-1 that our body is supposed to be making. My guess is that the people they work best for weren’t producing enough GLP-1 at baseline, so it makes sense that we’d only benefit from adequate GLP-1 for as long as we are getting adequate GLP-1.

        If someone didn’t have the endocrinological issue to begin with and just lost weight from the side effects, maybe they’d be able to wean off better. I don’t think we can just test how well someone is producing GLP-1 at least outside of research contexts.

        GLP-1 can lower appetite and promote satiety, but it can also energy expenditure. So I think it’s just wrong that it’s only effective insofar as it lowers caloric intake; it also increases “calories out.”

    3. I went in knowing and understanding that I would be on these drugs for the rest of my life. I would not have started these meds without being okay with being on them for the rest of my life. It took a lot of thought and consideration before I was ready to accept that.

  24. I bought a very expensive jacket from Nordstrom about a month ago, that still has tags on it and I have not worn. I now see it is 50% off, but they do not have my size in stock (in fact, they only have one size left in stock, so this is a final few situation). I am contemplating returning it to my local store and trying then to re-buy it at 50% off once it goes on sale. I know it’s a gamble that I’ll be able to re-buy it, but I am willing to take it based on how expensive it was and the fact that it is kind of trendy and I had been debating whether to keep it anyways. It’s about $900 full price, which was hard to stomach, but I’d happily pay half that. Is this ethical? It’s not eligible for price matching given the time that has passed. If ethical, am I likely to be able to re-buy it? And…I see a few pieces have hit TRR, so I presume at some point I can buy it elsewhere for about half cost. So this is not high stakes, but has me thinking.

    1. Can you just call and ask if they will price adjust for you, even if it is outside the official window?

        1. I don’t have experience with Nordstrom but have done it elsewhere with no issues. If the item is within its return window, they basically just process it as a return and then process a purchase at the current price.

          Gap has even let me do it for items outside their return window. They gave me store credit for the difference that time, which I was fine with.

    2. Ethics wouldn’t be part of the equation for me. You have an unworn, pristine, tags-on clothing item that you want to return. You don’t have to justify the reason for the return.

    3. In your situation I would return, but not rebuy.

      You bought something that was too expensive. It’s okay to think it’s a nice garment without owning it yourself. There’s a reason you haven’t worn it since you bought it. Fantasy self? Aspirational?

      Return it and buy a jacket you actually want to wear!

      2. Ok, excellent point. However, I really have not worn it because I live in an area of the country where it is still 96 degrees on the daily. I have (had?) every intention of wearing it when it cooled down. But your point is taken that I don’t really need this jacket. It’s beautiful and I want it, but it’s tough to keep it when I see it at half price right now and I know I paid full.

        1. OTOH, when I pay full price and see my size sold out when the item goes on sale, I realize that’s why I paid full price. I understand your regret, but I also feel like you paid for the pleasure of being able to count on wearing a jacket you love when it gets cold. If it doesn’t work with your budget or isn’t a high-quality garment or there are a lot of lower priced copies now on the market, then I can also see returning it. Paying full price bought you time to make that determination.

  25. Ugh. I’m trying to help an elderly family member with some paperwork. I have a POA. It is amazing to me the pushback I am getting when I send over the POA. From needing to fill out a second POA form (on that organization’s standard form) to needing to get an attorney to write a letter on letterhead attesting to the POA’s validity and their knowledge of non-revocation (FWIW, I’m an attorney and am pretty sure that attorneys in the T&E area don’t randomly opine on things like this except to humor good clients and/or for $$$). IDK how people actually deal with this stuff (for me, it’s easy: I am actually an attorney and am admitted in the relevant states). Especially since at least half of the people I know are single adults with no kids and about 95% of the people I know live in a different state than where their parents are. OMFG the worst thing in the world is to die and next is to just need help with common paperwork if you are in the hospital / nursing home / etc. [Luckily relative is mentally competent but this is a huge hassle, especially if anything needs to be notarized.]

    1. If an estate planning attorney prepared your relative’s POA, I assume that it would make perfect sense to ask that attorney if, to her knowledge, it has been revoked. Presumably, if she revoked it, the same attorney would prepare that new POA. As there is no other way to verify if the POA you are presenting is current, this is the best they have.

    2. Yeah, it is a huge hassle/inconvenience.

      But managing all of the doctors appointments/insurance claims/medical bills/medical care is so much worse, so that it seems easy in comparison.

    3. This drives me crazy too. We have the state POA and yet banks insist they “can’t” accept it. I don’t know how that’s legal.

      1. In some states it is not legal. Some states have statutes that explicitly provide that a valid POA cannot be refused just because it is not in that company’s specific form.

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