Commuting Hall of Fame: Notch Collar Wool Coat

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1. My skin has been acting weird lately. When I put on moisturizer, it feels tight, and by the end of the day my skin feels (by touch) moisturized but is peeling. I’ve cut back on moisturizers/creams/makeup and right now have been lathering up in rosehip oil and vaseline each night, but it’s still peeling by lunchtime. Has anyone had something similar? It feels like an allergy but I’m not sure what it would be in response to–I haven’t introduced any new products or foods recently. I’m also unsure as to how to stay moisturized while I cut everything out of my skin routine and slowly reintroduce. I thought vaseline was as safe as you could get. Any ideas? I’d love to go to a derm but won’t be able to for at least a month due to a trial.

   1. vaseline tends to be drying for me. Try upping your water and healthy fats intake, skipping makeup, and maybe an oil, like almond, coconut, Vit E oil or the like. Maybe inhale steam and following that, put on an oil?

   2. What’s the worst that would happen if you put nothing on your skin for two or three weeks? That’s probably what you should do if you feel like it is an allergy. FWIW, I think rosehip oil can definitely be an allergen, and although things like vaseline are pretty “safe,” once your skin decides to blow up, it can get overly sensitive to things that you aren’t even actually allergic to.

   3. I always heard from dermatologists that Vaseline is best for “protecting against moisture” but is NOT moisturizing itself — so if you have a baby with diaper rash put Vaseline on his skin to keep the wet diaper from annoying him.

      Cerave is what I’ve always heard dermatologists recommend for moisturizing. I’ve also heard good things from about squalane (cheap on Amazon) for helping “lock” moisture in.

      I’d step away from the rosehip oil too, not familiar with that and I read a lot about dry skin in winter.

   4. Peeling usually means dehydrated. Dehydrated meaning you need water in your skin (dry means you need oil in your skin). You need a hydrating serum and/or more hydrating moisturizer (meaning one with hyaluronic acid to trap water). Oil like you are using at night it not adding any water to your skin, and vaseline is an occlusive that traps existing moisture in your skin. So if you don’t have any moisture to trap, it’s doing nothing.

      It’s also winter so your regular moisturizer just might not be up to the task, leaving you more dry. What moisturizer are you currently using?

      1. I use elta AM/PM but in the winter I’ve been using cetaphil’s face cream. Both burn a bit when I put it on around my eyes and nostrils. Do you have any recommendations for a serum/moisturizer that I could pick up at a drug store by chance? I’d love to get something on my way home but am open to investing in better quality for long term use.

         1. CeraVe finally started making a PM face moisturizer and it is the best thing ever. My local grocery (HEB) doesn’t have it but A*azon can get it to you in a day or two. I was having the hardest time getting my skin to calm down when I started treating for acne (as a 37 year old, eye roll) and it finally gave me something to slather on when I need moisture.

   5. Do you need a chemical exfoliant? If your skin is both moisturized and peeling, it may not be dry at all–it may just need exfoliation.

   6. I had something similar and then realized it was worsening seborrheic dermatitis – my skill would be moisterized but would flake around the forehead/eyebrows/nose. Switched to a face wash that has zinc in it, which helped.

   7. I’d stop the rose oil. That seems like it could easily be an allergen. Instead, I’d switch to a lotion made for people with eczema. That will be extra gentle and still moisturizing.

      Also, protect the area that is peeling from wind. I’ve found that if I’m outside too soon after applying moisturizer on my face in winter that my face can get irritated.

   8. Vaseline doesn’t actually add moisture – it is more of a barrier to keep existing moisture in. So, if your skin is already dry, it probably isn’t adding much.

      When my skin is unhappy, I swear by green cap Cetaphil, and I gently exfoliate with just my washcloth in spots that are peeling. I also have been using an oil cleanser (Tatcha) lately which seems to help a lot and feels very gentle.

2. I’m looking for help – hugs, maybe, but also some hive wisdom. About a year ago we lost my grandmother. She was everything to me. I have had a really tough relationship with my parents forever and my grandmother filled those roles, plus she was a mentor, a friend, and everything. It happened out of the blue and there was no time to say good-bye.

   A few months after she passed, I realized that I couldn’t lose her apartment too. She’s lived in this place in Manhattan, in a very nice co-op, for nearly as long as I’ve been alive. It is basically “home” to me, much more than not only my childhood home, but also any place I’ve ever owned or rented. The idea of pulling down the decorations and furniture I’ve known since childhood, a lot of which I’ve given her, and tossing all those memories, was honestly enough to make me suicidal.

   In June, my mother, who is the will executor, and I reached out to the co-op board. They refused to acknowledge us except to refer us to the building management. The management company also refused to acknowledge us; my mother would email the representative, he would ignore it, she would email again, and after a week or so he would say, “can you have a phone call tomorrow,” and then disappear for another week or so. No-one at this company answers a ringing phone or responds to a voicemail. This went on until August when my mother somehow managed to get a supervisor on the phone with her, and learned how to access an online board application.

   This will be the third time I’ve purchased a Manahttan co-op; my grandmother had helped me with what I thought would be my “forever” home just a year ago, so I’m familiar with the process and what’s asked. Still, this entire application had to be online, not presented in a package, and that took weeks. It then took another three weeks for the company to even start to review the documents, and when that finally happened, we would get notification that something was missing or wrong, but no real explanation of what was needed instead. Another three-four weeks. Finally the package went to the board in December and finally, two days before Christmas, I got word that I was approved.

   In the midst of all this, I listed my home in what most of you know is a really crappy market, dropped the price once, got a contingent offer, waited for my buyer’s sale to go through, set a closing date, and closed a few weeks ago. As of today, two months after I got official word that I was approved in my grandmother’s building, I still have not heard anything from this company on when I can close. I tried contacting the board again. I have emailed the management company asking for clarification and get ignored, or I get “I will check with our closing department and get back to you!” which obviously does not happen.

   Because the building staff knows me – has watched me grow up- they let me move in. As of February 1, I started paying the maintenance, so my grandmother’s estate isn’t shelling out money. In some ways I know I’ve gotten what I want and I should just be patient but… this makes me apoplectic. It makes me ragey that such stupid dumb people are put in charge of things like this that involve peoples’ lives and homes and emotions. It makes me infuriated that my grandmother made her home in this building for forty years and the board can’t acknowledge me – and that they’ve hired advisors who are so shitty.

   I am really bad with situations like these where people with a little bit of bureaucratic power abuse it and I can’t do anything about it and I recognize that the added emotion of my personal loss isn’t helping. But I am also frankly tired of continually trying to mentally hold a half-day off work, week after week, to go to a closing, and I desperately need to start making renovations to the apartment, since my grandmother put things off for decades and it sat vacant for ten months. But I can’t really start with COIs and hiring people until I’m the official owner.

   It is clear that if this had been a traditional real estate transaction where I was represented by a broker and there was a current homeowner waiting to move on, things would have been done differently, so I have to wonder, what kind of nonsense has gone on that I have missed? (For example, I paid a $300 fee for, apparently, the management co. to process my mortgage, and I obviously don’t have a mortgage, since this is an inheritance. They were nice enough to alert me that I needed to be refunded this amount, back in December – but have been promising a check ever since then which has failed to arrive. What else did I overpay/do wrong?)

   One approach that’s worked for me in the past when “Customer Service” sucks is to go directly to the CEO, and I have drafted an email to the same idiot who hasn’t responded to me for two weeks with a cc to the entire executive team, basically saying “I want a response by the close of business tomorrow.” My professional work sort of overlaps with what they do so it’s very appropriate for me to sort of threaten that I will keep this all in mind as I go about my work – but if they are too stupid or too recalcitrant, which I assume is the case, that will either go over their head or they’ll ignore it. And in the end I have no leverage. If they DGAF, what on earth do I do?

   1. I would consult a real estate attorney in NY, but if the board approved you, why can’t the estate just deed it out to you now?

      1. Good question. I guess there are just so many co-op-specific things that need to take place in the kind of closing the management company and its transfer agent are responsible for coordinating.

      2. Co-ops don’t do deeds, they’re transferred by shares. Usually the shares are issued by the board/management company. Do you have the original shares? Look on the back and there may be a way to transfer them without the management company needing to issue new shares. Also, if you don’t have a mortgage and you just need the board to issue your co-op shares, I don’t know why you’d need to attend a closing. They should just be able to mail you any paperwork they need you to sign and then mail you your share certificate

         1. +1
            What is the status of the shares? Did you inherit them directly (named in the will), or were you awarded them via the executor? Is the estate still open or has it been closed with the local court? If you inherited the shares and have been approved, then trust that it will all get finished, just not as quickly as you might hope.

            It will cost you, but now that you’ve been approved, the last step is to just finalize the paperwork. You may want to hire a settlement attorney or real estate attorney to make sure everything is done properly — especially since it’s a transfer after death — and also to give you a bit of distance (someone to deal with the board on your behalf, not you directly).

            I dealt with my own bureaucratic nightmare last year and a good friend constantly reminded me that no one moves as quickly as I want because it wasn’t a situation that bothered them as much as it bothered me. I suspect something similar here.

            Also, hugs. I’m sorry for your loss.

   2. Caveat that I don’t know anything about co-ops, but from knowledge of other kinds of organizations—Do you personally know any of the board members? Personally know anyone who knows any of the board members? They could be completely unaware that this is happening and might step in if you nicely tell them your story and ask for help.

      Even if you don’t have any connections, can you get an address or email address for the board president and send him/her a very nice letter that makes them think of their own grandkids?

   3. First, I’m very very sorry for your loss. As someone who grew up with grandparents, and whose parents did not fill the role very well at the time, I can understand how you feel.
      Second, I am not minimizing the painfulness of the process that you have experienced so far. Without your grief, it would have still been painful, but maybe you would have thought of it more as a nuisance (especially given you’ve been able to move in) than something that fills you with rage. Grief blows things out of proportion and you are understandably emotional. Gently, perhaps some of the grief is manifesting as anger.
      As to what to do – I don’t have specific advice, and know nothing about condos or inheritance. However I will say this – don’t do things out of anger. Don’t write that angry email and copy everyone in the exec team. Do only what will get you closer to the goal, in a calm, calculated way. Be persistent but don’t be rude. Keep nagging at them and come up with clever strategies that will make them respond and that will hurry them along their slow, bureaucratic process.
      Yes they may be idiots and they may be slow, but being rude to them will burn your bridges and may not spur them along. Take some time to process your grief, and I hope you feel better.

   4. First, Hugs! I do NOT know what I will do when my Grandma’s are no longer in my life. I hope this never happens but I know better. Second, f you have a nice coop in a safe neighborhood that you eventually want to sell, please let me know where it is and I can have a look with my Dad. Right now, he wants me to look at 53 W 53rd, but I do NOT want to live in midtown. FOOEY!

   5. OK, thank you all for talking me down a bit. the incredibly ironic thing is that I’m pretty sure I was explicitly named in the will as the inheritor of the property UNTIL I bought my place in late 2017. Right at that moment, and then in the months before her death, my grandmother went back to her estate attorney a bunch of times and was constantly talking about redrafting her will. So this has been an arrangement that the attorney has struck with my mother, the executor (this benefits her because even hiring someone to strip everything from the house and paying for a full-service realtor to sell on the open market is still a pain in the ass.) However, I do have the original stock and lease and I’ll look on the back of that to see if it specifies I can do anything. And while I get that no-one feels my urgency… at some point don’t they have to, you know, do their jobs? Both board and management company drones?

   6. It is complicated with Coop’s. Dad wanted me to move in last year with Grandma Leyeh in Riverdale, b/c she has a great 3BR apartement with a huge balcony that looks out on the HUDSON RIVER and the George Washington Bridge that is literally to die for. But I did NOT want to have to commute from the Bronx to work every day, even tho I love Grandma Leyeh, she can be very controlling, and I could NOT bring men back to the apartement, so it was NOT worth it to avoid estate taxes or whatever Dad was talking about. I am not a Bronx girl anyway, and prefer to remain in Manhattan where I can WALK to work! But if I were you, I would consult with a real estate lawyer who knows about Coops, which are not really real estate, but more like a stock company. It does NOT matter if you get named in a will, b/c the Board has to approve you, or you must be living there and/ or named in the stock certificate. It also varies by city state, so the law can be different. Do NOT rely on the hive, Dad says, b/c he says we can think, but we must be rational, not emotional, when it comes to apartments. That is why he wants me now to live on W53rd Street, but I do NOT want that either. FOOEY! If I was married, Dad would not be pushing me to do what HE wants every day!

3. I am needing some travel inspiration for next winter. We typically take 10-14 days after Christmas through the new year off and travel. The last two years have been to Europe, but I think we need something different this year. We will be in New York for a long weekend in the beginning of December, so I’m thinking a beach vacation. I love a good AI Resort, but I want to go somewhere where there is more than just a beach, something to break up the beach sitting. Because we have a fair amount of time, long flights aren’t a big issue. Any suggestions?

   1. Cartagena, Colombia

   2. What’s Gaby Cooking went to Patagonia in January and it looked insane. I’d love to fly down, spend 7-9 days, and stop through somewhere with a more traditional beachy vibe for a 4-5 days to relax after.

   3. Valparaiso and Vina del Mar, Chile? Might not be warm enough for beach-sitting then, though.

      Cartagena would be warm enough.

   4. I’d do Costa Rica. Beaches in Guancaste for a bit then head inland for jungle/ hiking around Arenal and in the cloud forests

   5. Australia. Spend some time in the cities/outback and then go up to the Whitsunday Islands for beach.

   6. Hawaii?

   7. That time of year is summer vacation in Buenos Aires. Just like in NYC where every leaves for The Hamptons, etc. in BsAs everyone leaves for Punta del Este in Uruguay. This option would give you both a beach and a city adventure.

4. I recently moved to a small firm from biglaw. I am generally very happy with the move, and the other attorneys and staff are great. I am having one problem: docketing/calendaring. We have a docket clerk, but he seems to be more of a data entry person, i.e., enters stuff some piece of software without much thinking about it. As in he had no idea what I meant by the FRCP, local rules, standing orders, etc. He sends out a report each Friday of the deadlines coming up in the next two weeks, but (1) these are riddled with errors and (2) I obviously need to know my deadlines more than two weeks in advance.

   Does anyone have any suggestions? I have tried to work with our docket clerk to fix errors/get longer reports, but this has been an incredibly frustrating activity and feels like it may not be worth it. He also fights me on making changes. I have resorted to basically ignoring the calendaring done by the clerk, and taking hours and hours to calculate all my deadlines myself and put them in Excel, and then having another attorney on my team check them too. This feels like a massive waste of time. Are there docketing programs others have purchased for a small fee to help with this? I am exclusively in federal court.

   Also, would you say something about the lack of utility of the docket clerk, or just let it go? Deadlines being wrong/missing is causing confusion on my teams, and I am frequently sending emails to partners explaining things like no our summary judgment briefs are not due next week despite what the weekly report says.

   1. If the software or the person is miscalculating things like summary judgment deadlines, then that is a huge problem that needs addressing. I wouldn’t say something about the lack of utility, but I would bring it to a partner’s attention if the deadlines are wrong.

      When I worked in a law firm, I ALWAYS kept up with my own deadlines. Any time a piece of paper or any kind of filing came in, I’d physically count the days on a calendar and put it on my own outlook calendar (with reminders if necessary to make sure I made internal deadlines). I don’t know how many deadlines you’re dealing with, but it took just a few minutes a day at the most for me and I dealt with it while I was dealing with reading the pleading, order, discovery requests, or whatever, that came in the mail or email that day.

      1. I calendar all my own deadlines too. My secretary also does and does a good job of it, but I don’t rely on her calendar.

      2. Same. I am confused as to why the calendaring is taking hours and hours (though I don’t have all the facts).

         1. Thanks all. Taking hours and hours because I am on several large and busy litigations and trying to do the calendaring from scratch. Once I get it done and just have to maintain the calendars, it will not take as long. The problem came to a head when I was trying to construct a proposed schedule for a case, and I could not get any reports/listing of what the deadlines were in our other matters, which is why I sat for hours and did it all myself.

            For biglaw, I am more used to getting a report from docketing (so they do the calendar in the first instance), checking for errors, and having docketing correct anything I find.

            I’m going to chat with a partner in my group about it. There may need to be some process improvements made both on the staff and attorney sides. I don’t really want to lead the charge in part because I am newish and because it seems annoying, I am the most senior associate in my group and someone has to do it. I agree that having wrong deadlines for major events really is unacceptable.

            1. I am not a litigator so take this with a grain of salt, but if you think it’s a one-time issue as you got caught up on existing cases and you can track your own deadlines easily enough from here on out, it may not be worth raising. Maybe let it ride a bit? I’ve been at a few different firms over the years and learned that there is a lot of resistance to change the status quo, even when the status quo is really bad and there is an easy fix. It’s completely frustrating but does get less annoying as you settle into a new routine of how to get things done.

   2. I went from biglaw where docketing was amazing to a 300+ lawyer firm where the docketing people essentially use software to set calendar reminders on everyone’s calendar from that case. I do not ask them to calculate anything. I tell them what date to calendar as a deadline, set up reminders and that is all. So that means for a deadline that gets triggered say 30 days from x, and x moves, you have to remember that when x gets set, to calendar the deadline then.

   3. Is your small firm high volume? If so, the two week reminder may have come about because the reality is, that’s how much lead time you are going to have to get things done where everything is managed via triage. In my firm, the two week reminder list also includes reminders. So, if you have a MSJ deadline of 6/1 but you also set a reminder for 5/1, two weeks before 5/1 it will show up on the reminder list as Reminder – 6/1 deadline or something like that. It would be great to work further in advance than that but for us, it’s really not feasible. Before trying to change things as a new addition to a firm, find out why they are that way.

      Do you have a secretary? Can this person do your calendaring and do one month reminders for you or whatever else works for you?

      1. We’re not really ever in triage mode. We do high stakes/bet the company type litigation in a niche practice area, with the opposing party always being repped by biglaw. We plan strategy for major briefs many months in advance, take sometimes a year plus to work up a case pre-filing, and definitely don’t start drafting 2 weeks before it is due. I often want to know/partners want to know what is coming up int he next half a year or so so we can plan our strategy accordingly.

         My secretary has simply referred me to the docket clerk, and said she can request reports for me, but that means she just forwards my email to him. She doesn’t do docketing – our docket clerk does, but just not very well. Which is the problem.

5. For those of you trying to lose weight, how often do you weigh yourself? Do you have a “day of” or “day before” ritual to ensure you don’t have an artificially high weigh-in (like eating the same meal or anything)?

   1. I started my my workout routine 3 weeks ago and weighed myself then, but haven’t since. That said I’ll probably do it every 2 weeks going forward and weigh myself in the morning before I eat but after using the bathroom.
      I take progress pictures too. Pictures tend to be more motivating to me and scales don’t tell the whole story (gaining muscle, retaining water, anything else).

   2. I’m not very good about it now but I found weighing myself every morning first thing and then averaging out the entire week’s weigh ins at the end of the week to be the most accurate. My weight definitely can fluctuate a few pounds in a day or from day to day so just picking a random day to go against ends up being artificially demotivating or motivating

   3. I weigh myself daily but I try not to worry about the exact number each day. I have a Bluetooth-connected scale that goes to an app on my phone, so I focus more on trends than on any specific day, which helps normalize for random fluctuations. Obviously, you could also do this with a pen and paper rather than an app. I do always weigh myself first thing in the morning, so that’s consistent.

      I read lots of advice that said “only weigh yourself once per week!” to avoid obsessing over small fluctuations, but I personally like having all the individual data points rather than trying to guess from a once weekly measurement if it’s a fluke or a trend.

   4. I weigh myself every morning after using the bathroom and while undressed before I take a shower.

      1. +1

      2. +1. I’ll add that I try not to freak out about random fluctuations, and I often know that it is either because of what I ate the day before or the time of the month

         1. Yeah, same. It’s trends upward that I weigh myself to keep in check. A pound or two variation is normal for me over the course of a week, more so period week.

      3. Me, too. Probably too often, but I just ignore the minor fluctuations.

6. I need to get my wedding bands resized and the jeweler who made them is just not great in terms of customer service or time. Any recs? It might be a little complicated so I’m looking for someone experienced.

   1. Tiny Jewel Box, downtown DC. Amazing customer service.

7. Does anyone have any great recommendations for delivery birthday gifts for a 70-year-old man? I’m thinking like Edible Arrangements or really nice flower arrangements… but for dudes. Thanks in advance!

   1. Omaha Steaks? A snack basket from harry and david (or the like)?

   2. Zingerman’s. So many good food options.

   3. I think Edible Arrangements is appropriate.

   4. FIL and MIL (both now in their 70s) got a kick out of cider & cider donuts from Cold Hollow Cider Mill out of Vermont. I also love their cider donuts and will yearly order myself a couple dozen.

8. I have a MM Lafluer jardigan that is slightly too long in the body and sleeves and also a bit big width wise. It is mostly rayon and is labeled dry clean only. I am thinking of hand washing in water to make it fit better. Terrible idea?

   1. Yes.

   2. Truthfully I’d probably wash it. But not to change the size. More to save on dry cleaning. I have a really good hand wash cycle on my machine, I use Euclan no rinse soap, and I have a really good steamer for after items hang dry. So I wash pretty much everything – exception lined items like suit separates.

   3. Why would rayon need dry cleaning in the first place? I would not hesitate to wash it. Don’t wring, don’t hang, don’t stretch, just roll it in a towel and squish the extra water out as best you can then lay it flat to dry.

9. I snore. Yuck. I apparently woke my husband up twice last night. I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment. Any advice beyond that? I’m thirty-two and embarrassed that I apparently sleep like my sixty year-old dad.

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