Coffee Break: Acid Night Treatment

126 Comments

1. If you use NYM curling creme, where in your routine do you use it? (Is there an influencer who talks about this?)

   1. I use it but it is the only thing I use. I use it immediately after removing my Aquis towel which I only wear for a few minutes so my hair is still quite wet.

   2. I use it after my spray leave-in and before my gel (LA Looks, believe it or not). The weather where I live is vastly different between seasons, our summers are hot and incredibly humid, and our winters are brutally cold and dry. I find the curl cream with a traditional gel works better for me in warm weather. I think the curl cream tames frizz better and then I seal all of that in with my generous helping of gel.

      Hope that helps!

      1. That’s funny – I also use the LA Looks gel. I live in a similar climate to you and I feel like it works the best. I’ve never tried a curl cream before. I will have to check it out!

2. medium stakes thanksgiving question – my extended family and i are meeting in cupertino, ca this year for thanksgiving and the family (we’re chinese) has requested peking duck or cantonese roast duck for thanksgiving instead of turkey. the aunt who lives in cupertino is in poor health so i’m looking for recommendations on where i can buy a cooked duck for takeout on thanksgiving day. i’m flying in from the east coast two days before thanksgiving, but i will have a car so i don’t mind driving ~30 min for takeout. does anyone here know of a place that does good peking or roast duck or can even point me somewhere a little better than google or yelp reviews?

   1. Are you willing to drive up to the city? Chinatown is going to be your best bet, I think.

      1. Here’s one in the city

         https://www.sfchronicle.com/food/article/Brothers-reinvent-their-father-s-meat-shop-in-12375005.php

      2. unrelated, but I am dying at both uses of the city in the response, after the thread this morning

         1. Yeah I’m not the OP of that thread, but I knew instantly she was talking about San Francisco.

         2. SF is definitely “the city” to everyone in the Bay Area.

            1. *snort* you’re right!

      3. If you take 280 it should be mostly a breeze to get up to the city, especially around a holiday. Avoid the 280/380 interchange that goes toward the airport, just let 280 dump you off onto city streets.

   2. There is no way you have to go all the way up to SF for a Peking duck! Cupertino is basically a Chinese enclave with TONS of Chinese food businesses. I unfortunately don’t live their anymore (my parents do) so don’t have specific recommendations, but you have the whole gamut of restaurants, Chinese BBQ shops, Chinese groceries etc. there. Probably more than in SF Chinatown. I would just google. If all else fails, Chef Chu’s in Los Altos (next town over) used to make a very good duck.

      1. OMG I cannot believe I just mis-spelled there/their! Definitely already done for the week and it’s only Thursday!

   3. I don’t have a specific recommendation, but there’s enough of a Chinese community in Cupertino that I think you should be able to get what you’re looking for without having to drive all the way to SF. You might call Ranch 99 to see if they will be roasting ducks.

   4. its not a super fancy but we definitely get roast duck from ranch 99 on the weekends. it’s pretty good and you can just crisp it up in the oven after you get home -also an ABC

   5. For some reason, I thought “Carpinteria” instead of “Cupertino,” and I couldn’t fathom driving all the way to San Francisco for Chinese food.

   6. +1 to the comments above – don’t drive into SF for peking duck. The South Bay has better Chinese food than Chinatown.
      Ranch 99 definitely has roast duck. I’m sure there are better options, but unfortunately I don’t have any specific recs

3. Curious if the hive is willing to discuss how you save. I don’t mean where you put your savings, but rather what do you do to bump up your savings and how do you think about savings.

   For me I’ve always preferred bringing a monthly bill down or eliminating it if possible – like if I can get car insurance or cable for 20 cheaper, that’s 240 extra per year. I kind of prefer that rather than eliminating x number of coffees per month. And then oddly maybe it’s just me, I think about that saved amount like a bill. Like if I’m saving 240 per year and my electric bill is say 80 per month, well that’s 3 months of electric that’s taken care of. Not that I’m necessarily taking the money and putting it in my electric bill, but it’s just that thinking of – well if the electric company said I could just not pay for three months, it’s not like I’d object. I was talking to a friend about this who was just eye rolling at first but then was like yeah well who wouldn’t take free utilities for a few months.

   Do you think of savings as just one big goal of x per year? Or do you think of it in terms of small bills the savings offsets? And do you accomplish savings by cutting day to day spending or bigger amounts?

   1. I don’t know whether you’re talking about “saving” as in “putting money in a savings account,” or “saving” as in “not spending.” Anyway, I do “pay yourself first” so my money goes into various long-and-short-term savings accounts before I ever see it. If I bump one of those accounts up, it might sting for a while but then don’t notice it.

   2. Are you talking about savings or reduction in spending? For me, those are two different things. My savings are set from my earnings. If I get a raise, I automatically adjust my savings. I review my spending periodically to see if there are places where I can negotiate a lower rate or cut spending. A reduction in my expenses in one category is nearly always offset by increases in other categories, so although I try to increase my savings rate from the reduction, that is less certain to me than just saving out the chute.

   3. I would say savings strategy is 80% “big rocks” and 20% day-to-day. We bought an old used car, live in a house that cost half of what we were approved to borrow, and in general try to keep the “cost of waking up in the morning” such that it’s manageable on one of our two salaries. (This is obviously easier to do with two high-earning spouses. I’m not ignoring that.)

      The other 20% is things like – keeping a stash of frozen pizza or batch-cooked freezer meals around so we always have a super-easy option that’s not $$ takeout, street parking our car ($35 a year) rather than the more-convenient but $250+ monthly garage, etc.

   4. Interesting – I never thought of savings and expense reduction as two different categories as the two above posters just laid out. Yes I save as in money that goes right from the paycheck to retirement, brokerage and other places. But I also think of expense reduction as savings too. Granted that 200 saved on car insurance or whatever may not make it into some separate account somewhere, but it’ll offset some other cost in the budget.

      1. To counter that, I feel like money needs a job to do lest it run off and never be heard from again. If you don’t spend it on your utility bill, it might go to a purchase you might not have made otherwise, and might not have budgeted for if you were really thinking about it. If I reduce spending on one area and immediately assign that money to another area that had previously been unfunded, that’s one thing. But just letting it swim around in the general money pool doesn’t seem like savings to me.

         1. Depends on your spending habits. For me money doesn’t run off simply because I don’t like to shop and am consistent regarding eating out. But yeah I get what you’re saying. My state gave a state wide tax rebate to all which was something like 200. Most of my peers who are high earning and didn’t desperately need 200 a month later were like, I have no idea what I did with that money or what I spent it on.

   5. I’m a mix of things. On one hand, I have to remind myself that it IS okay to spend sometimes, as I’m always equating money with security and safety so I don’t tend to spend as a default. On the other hand, I try to prioritize joy. So if they ask if I want to upcharge for the lemonade instead of the soda, if lemonade makes me happier, yes. I do! If they ask if I want a bigger size fry, I know that the small size is enough to have had the taste of fries so no, thank you. I hot flash bad so my air conditioning sits at 70 during the day, 66 at night (small apartment) and I still go to bed with an ice pack most nights and fans on. I know that increasing it even 2 degrees may save but it’d make me miserable, so I cut elsewhere to afford the higher electric bill. When I drive my car, I drive it as long as it’s safe as it doesn’t bring me joy to have something fancier or newer. I don’t care about tech so I don’t change electronics until I absolutely have to. I buy clothing that brings me joy even if it’s not trendy and I try not to buy anything that won’t bring me joy (looking at you itchy fabrics, weird tags, shoes that hurt, and all hosiery). I do also look to save where I can. I try to get my hair cut on a day when they do a discount. I price shop online before buying. I will wait for the BBW candle sale on the first Sat in December if it’s mid-November and I am craving a candle scent. I call to ask companies about fees or how to lower or if I can get more for the same rate I pay now.

      I am also not proud about things. I am happy to tell a friend that, yes, let’s go to that restaurant and can we go during happy hour. I don’t mind (and typically treasure) hand me downs from loved ones (medium or large tops, 12 bottoms, for those who may ever be downsizing, let’s talk LOL). I see a movie matinee when it’s cheaper unless a friend can only go in the evening and then I prioritize friend time and that joy makes it worth the extra money.

      I try to balance what will feel worth it and what won’t to me. I also don’t mind telling someone that something is not in the budget, not necessarily because I do not have the cash but because it’s not in my budget to prioritize the cost of that thing. That may be a restaurant with nothing I like or a concert during covid or buying something I’d never wear just because it’s trendy.

      For those looking for guidance, I recommend Gail Vaz-Oxlade’s approach (she has tv shows on y0utube plus many books) as she balances needs and wants and never makes people feel bad for wants.

   6. Both? We definitely move a chunk out of our accounts every payday into different savings/investment accounts, part of the “pay yourself first” mentality. Have you looked at YNAB for budgeting? I also closely watch my estimated budget amounts in YNAB and treat any “savings” by paying less for something as fun money. For example, last month I spent $80 less than budgeted on groceries, so I moved $50 of that to the “fun” category and got a mani-pedi with it.

   7. We have retirement and 529 savings taken off the top. Beyond that we pretty much spend what we earn and don’t worry about expense reduction. Our credit card bills are paid from our cash emergency fund and if that starts to dip then we cut back on discretionary spending for a bit until it’s back up the level we strive to maintain.

   8. I love spending to save. Costco shopping to buy things in bulk that I know I’ll use eventually, but the price per 1 is less. Or if the bulk meat at the grocery store is cheaper per pound, but I really only need 1 lb that week, I’ll split out the excess and freeze it.
      I also use Rakuten that gives me cash back on items I already buy online, and frequently browse my “rewards” section for credit cards, where I get X back if I spend over $X with the card.

   9. One thing I try do is whenever I get a raise, I bank the net increase straight to savings. I reason that we were living perfectly well before so no need for lifestyle creep. For years, I kept our spending one increase behind. Covid, purchase of a second house we will use as a rental until I retire in 3 years, and decisions to do some house projects and then a return-to-travel binge put an end to that. But I recently got a promotion and will reinstate the practice with my next paycheck.

      1. That doesn’t work when your “merit increase” doesn’t even keep pace with inflation.

4. Where do you look for jobs? I’m looking on LinkedIn and going to the careers page of companies I can think of in my industry (I’m in banking compliance/financial regulation but willing to not work at a bank). I’m not finding much or getting anywhere. Not a lawyer. In DC. I can’t use much of my network because the higher ups at my current company are very well connected and I don’t want them to know I’m looking.

   1. Indeed, Linkedin and company websites.

   2. In addition to what you are doing, try to go to more conferences if possible, now that those have resumed. Have you reached out to recruiters? Hannen or Robert Half might have something. If you’re in DC, have you looked at government jobs? There are so many at the regulatory agencies.

      1. Hmm, the last time I tried government jobs (about 4-5 years ago), it was a black hole on USA jobs, and next to impossible to get in if you weren’t a veteran. I’ll look again though. I have no experience with cold contacting recruiters, how would I go about doing that? Thanks for the help!

   3. Check trade association job boards. If you do adviser/BD compliance, try NSCP.

   4. You might want to look into compliance jobs at money transfer companies, great for people with bank/finance experience who don’t want to work in that environment. They are always looking for compliance people. I don’t know if any are located in DC, but there are tons of remote jobs in the field.

      1. Commercial lenders too. You may find roles on transactional legal teams and doing KYC/AML for borrowers.

5. I do have sensitive skin and I find the acid I tolerate best is Ole Henriksen PHAT facial. I use it as a 30 minute mask around once a week when my skin is up to it. It really does increase glow and smoothness. The PHA acids are supposed to be the gentlest.

   I also like Good Genes but that’s a once in a while thing for me.

6. The colonoscopy comments this am reminded me that I have my first scheduled for next month, plus an endosocpy. I’m struggling with how much to schedule for the day after. I’ve already taken leave for the afternoon before and whole day of the procedure. Should I also keep the next day light (and possibly plan to WFH), or is it generally an easy recovery? I have pretty strong reactions to anesthesia but my procedure is at 10 am, so I’m hoping I will be home by mid-afternoon and have the evening and full night to rest.

   1. No you’ll be fine the next day. I’m always fine about an hour after the anesthesia wears off. Hungry, but fine.

      1. +1

      2. +1, sample size of three (self, friend, friend’s husband)

   2. I was pretty sick the day after, still having *issues* from the prep and nauseous from one of the medications they gave me. I would err on the side of caution and block out the next day just in case.

   3. I had my first colonoscopy/endoscopy this year and I was totally fine the next day other than being extremely, extremely hungry after fasting for a day and a half beforehand! The sedation wears off pretty quickly, my procedure was at 2pm and I was fine by dinner time. I ate a whole pizza that night.

      1. Haha on the pizza. My husband always wants to go to iHop after his. We live in an urban area and it’s not like there’s one on every corner – we have to drive out to the suburbs for it, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

         1. Right after my procedure all I wanted was a milkshake, we drove to Baskin Robbins and they were out of milk. It was devastating.

   4. I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy around noon and was still feeling pretty groggy the next morning. I also react strongly to anesthesia and while it wasn’t terrible, I did end up working from home that day after.

   5. I had my first colonoscopy this past Monday. The procedure was at 2:30. They used propofol (not sure of the spelling) and it put me out quickly, but I recovered quite quickly as well. The only time I’ve been out before was about 25 years before when I had my wisdom teeth out and I remember vomiting after that procedure. The colonoscopy recovery was much better.

      If you’re sensitive to anesthesia, I would suggest working from home just in case of issues.

   6. I’ve had multiple and the reactions have been all over the board from totally fine within hours of the procedure to still feeling awful for a few days afterward. I would plan to keep the next day light. You may be fine from the procedure and anesthesia but completely exhausted from basically going to the bathroom like 40 times.

   7. I am 57 and in pretty good shape. I had a colonoscopy at 2pm a couple of weeks ago and went to work the next day but honestly I wish I hadn’t. I was much more tired and wiped out from the prep/sedation than I had banked on. I have promised myself I’ll take the day following the procedure off the next time! Working from home would probably have been fine.

      For what it is worth I was perfectly able to work the day before – my prep did not start until 8 pm the night before. I had to eat very lightly and so was glad of work for the distraction. I’m not a big eater but immediately upon being told I “couldn’t” eat I was then super hungry lol.

7. After 2 1/2 years of WFH and wearing schlubby loungewear, I’m back to wearing my work clothes to WFH, even if I don’t have a zoom call.

   Why not? They’re warm (my old office was always way too cold) and pretty. And now I find myself somehow more professional and efficient while wearing them.

   Psychology, man.

   1. I tried this, but I just cannot wear any type of bra in my home. It’s the first thing I rip off when I walk in the door. I’m glad it’s working for you though!

      1. I often just wear work clothes without a bra at home. My shirts are usually thick enough to prevent headlights, but also the way my camera is set up at home you can only see collarbone and up on me

      2. I used to rip off my bra first thing before I used redd1t abrathatfits. I was wearing way too small of a cup size and basically squishing my b00bs. I am fairly busty so I just thought I was a D cup. Nordstrom put me in a DD. But I’m actually a G cup in the proper band size, and I find my bras so comfortable now.

         Sorry to bravangelize!

         1. I had a similar experience using ABTF which improved fit, but I still hate wearing bras. I think it might be a sensory thing for me.

            1. Same, my bra fits but I still find wearing one torture. I’ve been WFH braless for 2.5 years!

8. My nephew (preteen) is really worried about being short. The pediatrician gave no tips except to say “continue to eat healthy greens and veggies”. He focuses on height a lot (asks tall people their height, compares himself against classmates, etc) and already eats a fairly nutritious diet.
   His parents are good at dealing with the emotional aspect of his worry about being short (point out that height isn’t that important, they love him regardless, inner qualities are more important, when he attains puberty he will have a growth spurt etc).
   Is there anything you can suggest on the physical aspects to make him feel like he is doing something about? For example – drink protein shakes? Play basketball? Do pullups? I know height is mostly genetically determined, but he (and his parents) would like to have an action item, even if it’s mostly placebo.
   This age is a difficult one because there are some adolescent kids in the class that just reached adult height, and others who are very short, so differences are glaringly obvious.

   1. what were his parents’ growth patterns like? My husband and his brothers were all total shrimps until about age 15, when they grew like 6-7 inches in the course of 2-3 years.

      1. and yeah, if you have adequate nutrition, there is literally nothing you can do about it…

      2. +1 In my family everyone has a massive growth spurt around puberty & for a few years after . My son was sort of a short middle schooler and now he’s a 6’2” college student.

         I’d probably focus now on less negative talk around being short. The sexiest man alive (Paul Rudd) claims to be 5’10” but I think he’s exaggerating. A lot of major stars are much shorter – Tom Cruise, Elijah Wood, Daniel Radcliffe, Al Pacino… easy to google.

         1. +1 I’m short enough in a male dominated field I receive comments daily. So I feel like quick one liners or positive pointers could be helpful for him. Ex. If someone says something about my height, I like to remind them that I have plenty of room in any seat when flying.

         2. Bruno Mars is 5’5′! My husband didn’t bloom until he was almost 20. I would absolutely not suggest that he can change his height.

   2. Unless he’s significantly malnourished, his adult height won’t be affected by anything he’s doing. I mean, he can wear platform sneakers but I can’t think of anything else.

   3. It’s genetics.

   4. i actually think it’s a bad idea to try to make him feel like he is doing something about it – sometimes in life there are things outside of your control and this is one of them

      1. I was coming to say the same thing. If it was a 13 year old girl worrying when her br3asts were going to develop, even though they may never amount to much, what would you be saying to her?

      2. Yes. Good grief can we stop with the Attractiveness Industrial Complex?

   5. Greens and veggies are okay, but I would have thought animal foods or legumes would be better sources of the nutrients needed for growth (calcium, vitamin D, B12, etc.) than greens. A statement like that makes me think the pediatrician wasn’t taking him seriously, which probably didn’t make him feel less worried! I hope if he had any other symptoms like fatigue that the pediatrician at least checked whether he really does have malnourishment (I’ve heard too often of Celiac disease being diagnosed late because there were no GI symptoms). In general, malnourishment can still happen from malabsorption even when intake is fine.

      But if he really is healthy and well nourished, the usual body weight resistance exercises that are recommended for bone strength are also good for bone growth in children (hiking, climbing, running, jumping and sports that involve running or jumping or body weight resistance).

   6. Height is pretty much all genetic, so he can blame his parents for not marrying someone taller. Not a very helpful suggestion, but there’s really not anything else he can do. I would definitely not suggest taking up basketball, but there are plenty of sports where being shorter isn’t such an issue and getting more exercise is good for anyone. Try soccer, wrestling, running, cycling, climbing, etc.

   7. As the Aunt here, I would stay way, way out of this.

      1. +1 I’ve had to unlearn so much well-meaning advice from relatives who had no idea what they’re talking about.

   8. Giving him something to do about it is likely to be harmful as it could teach him that his body may betray him or make him blame himself or fixate. Understanding genetics and the height of his parents and grandparents may help him to prepare either way. In reality, men under 6 feet do have stigmas when dating and being seen as powerful. It may help him to be exposed to actors who are shorter and to look at which sports don’t require height to be successful, without gaslighting him by acting as if his fears aren’t real or that height isn’t a thing. Posture may be helpful as many lose inches by slouching so he might seem as tall if he has better posture. Also, helping him to develop his skills and his confidence without cockiness or even taking a speaking or improve class may help as talented people with confidence often appear taller as they own their space. Lastly, he’s a preteen. If it wasn’t this, it’d be something else about his body. Kids at that age are cruel to each other and self-conscious just in general.

      1. +1 – it’s important to understand that sometimes your body does things over which you have no control. The earlier you can sit comfortably with that, the better for you.

      2. +1 million to posture and confidence. It really does matter.

         The OP has not indicated if his parents are tall, short, or medium height. If they are short, being comfortable with being short will do more for their son than any amount of pullups or protein shakes.

         Now if anyone has ideas in how to get kids to not be too tall, my 40″ tall two year old might like to know before he hits 6’5….

      3. How is it an untrue lesson that our bodies can betray us?

   9. I have daughters that are currently very tall, like >100%ile for their age. I am 5-4. But I was 5-4 at 10! I got my period at 11. Hundreds of years ago, I’d have been rocking an adult life and died in chidlbirth at 13. Growth patterns are a thing, so you can be a tall kid and still be an average or short adult. And vice versa. As the boys hit puberty, that can be a game changer, but some boys don’t until halfway through high school. Waiting must be agony (like the flip side of early periods when you don’t have your first baby now until 38).

      I know two sets of boy parents who put their boys on growth hormones and feed them special foods to try to get them to grow. Not sure I’d like that if I were the kid — being non-vanilla can be hard, but so can having your parents try to fix you (ergo, you must be broken).

   10. Not that anything will make much difference in actual growth, but you could point out that good posture maximizes whatever hight he does have. I might not go as far as suggestions dance classes, but it’s a reasonable avenue.

   11. Years ago, GQ or some other men’s magazine published a list of the greatest short guys of all time. If I remember correctly, #1 was Angus Young, guitarist for AC/DC, and #2 was Yoda. You could try to find that list and show it to him.

   12. TL; DR – Suggest that he be tested for celiac disease. And then say nothing else. There are no “tricks”.

       I’m late to this thread so I hope you see it. My son was a 15yo HS freshman, 5’2″ with zero testosterone – so he had totally missed puberty. He was playing soccer against fellow freshmen with beards and underarm hair – it was a kid playing against adults and it wasn’t pretty. His pediatrician said – he’ll just be short like you. I’m 5’2″ but his dad is 6′ and my dad is 6’4″ and I have two brothers at 6 feet (but one brother at 5’5″ if he stretches). I had him tested for leukemia, diabetes, thyroid – nada. Knew something had been off for years but never found a medical reason. He just wasn’t as “hardy” as his sister was and not as hearty as my memories of my siblings and my health.

       Then I was diagnosed with celiac disease at age 45. I’d probably had it for 30 years and the doctors never tested for it and basically said I was a hypochondriac. One said if I lost weight, I’d have less stomach issues.

       The lightbulb went off – he must have celiac. The pediatrician did the blood test, which was negative. But so was my blood test and my brother’s blood test and we both had positive celiac tests upon endoscopy. The definitive test is an endoscopy, which my husband vetoed because minors have to have general anesthesia (rather than the light sedation that adults have with colonoscopies) and general anesthesia has a small but not zero risk of death. So I had my son’s genes tested and he and I agreed ahead of time that if he had the celiac gene, he’d go gluten free to test it.

       When I asked a few weeks into the GF diet, he said “I didn’t realize that eating wasn’t supposed to hurt.” The poor kid had an upset stomach for years and just lived with it. My heart just broke. So he was very motivated to follow the GF diet to feel better and wanted to grow.

       I did medical journal research and found that puberty for boys may not kick in until they hit 108 pounds. I can’t remember the scientific mechanism but my son was only ~100 pounds. We had to really have him eat extra and voila, he grew six inches that summer and is now 6’5″ and wants to stop growing. When he went back to his pediatrician for the last time at 18, he towered over the 5’6″ pediatrician, who I was happy to have proved wrong. But having a healthy son is much more important than his height.

       1. This.

          The CDC estimates that 80% of Celiac disease is missed in the US healthcare system. This does mean that a lot of doctors are missing it, and it’s pretty much up to us to insist on thorough testing. If doctors were doing a good job with this, the underdiagnosis situation would not be so extreme.

9. Since it was called out in the morning post-

   I was the OP of some of the dating posts brought up (married guy with 2 preteen girls). I think someone else was posting at the same time something similar so I think there were at least 2 of us. (That actually helped me to feel less alone.) While some of you thought I was a tr0ll and that felt like an attack, I was genuinely trying to think from different angles to try to sort out my emotional tie to the person, my obligation as a “Team Women” to the wife, and my sense of responsibility to the kids involved. And at some point, I was in love with him and he was saying he was in love with me and talking about where he would propose, our wedding, how we would decorate our home, etc. I was single for years, wanting that, in the middle of covid, and I fell hard. While I understand that many marrieds felt triggered by an affair post (I would have been too), I hope we all do better at remembering most here are not tr0lls but people trying to process or work through something or those desperate for an answer that means their heart doesn’t have to break.

   As for what ended up happening, the wife became aware and called to yell, then told me she was filing and I could have him. The guy and I began looking for an apartment together. Then wife said she did not want him to move on happily if she was going to be miserable and alone and threatened to go for sole custody. Guy tried to go back but relationship didn’t end as he then asked for therapy for the family “to sort out the divorce in a healthy way.” I went to stay with him in a hotel for almost a month. Plans to live together continued. I gave up my apartment and furniture to move to him. Then in a very short amount of time, I found out he’d cheated on me with 2 other people and tried with some others and then wife found out I’d been living with him in the hotel and told kids and extended family about me. She told him no one would ever accept our relationship even after divorce. Before I could process his behaviors, he asked if I had a way to get them to accept me, otherwise we needed to end things. I said I had no and he told me he would always love me and ended the video call, then blocked me on social media. I had to move in with family to save up money to rebuild my life since I’d given up so much for this moving plan and no longer had a home or furniture or whatnot.

   I was gutted for a while and also realize that he is not a good person; he is incapable of honesty, he hurt everyone, he was back on tinder and messing with work colleagues even while making plans and promises with me (so it wasn’t this epic love story like he’d sold and I whole-heartedly bought), and I think he is still in the toxic marriage with the kids now knowing mom didn’t leave and dad had an entire life going on for many months with someone else. I’m sure he is still on tinder and/or playing in the workplace. I’ve been in therapy ever since and am working on myself and my growth and how to not give into the brain chemistry joy of being loved when it’s not by someone who is good and kind and available and such. Haven’t met anyone worth dating yet and still struggle with some lonely moments and some memory flashbacks of happy times with him. But I realize it never would have been successful and I’m grateful he cut contact as I don’t know how much longer I would have stayed, if I’d have ended up helping to pay his child support while being cheated on and lied to.

   I’m not a bad person though; I’m actually even someone who has been here a long time and who has met some of you and gotten praises by some of you for other posts over the years. I have even been able to give some advice based on this experience which OPs have said was helpful. While I will never again engage with someone who can’t show me proof of divorce, I am also more mindful of never calling anyone a tr0ll because so many of us are struggling and trying over and over, not to cause mess here but to get guidance or support because they may lack it in their IRL lives and because they are desperately hoping another perspective will give them a way to not have to be heartbroken by something they are living through.

   I am so sorry for all of the people here whom I triggered, please know I never meant to be hurtful to you, I was just desperate to try to find someone who could figure out how I wasn’t a terrible person and how I could get what I thought was my happily ever after.

   1. Your honesty is refreshing. Cheaters are very experienced at feeding lies to their targets, and everyone involved (spouse, person on the side, kids) ends up hurt. The problem then is that people have to push really really hard on the person who bought the lies hook, line, and sinker, because the cheater is so compelling. It’s just not easy to convince someone under that spell that no, this guy isn’t any different, and it will only end in pain.

      I’m married. If my husband cheats, it’s the sign if Armageddon. I don’t feel triggered by posts like yours and the other person’s, just… sad for everyone but the guy and angry at the guy.

      I hope you find someone for YOU.

   2. It seems like you have done some soul searching, but this part is clueless: “the wife became aware and called to yell” – I mean, what exactly did you expect to happen? Falling hard for someone (in this case, a married person) isn’t an excuse for forgoing common sense.

      I don’t think anyone said you were tr*lling as in making things up, but coming back over and over again looking for a different answer when everyone told you not to engage with a married guy was infuriating. And your comment that “marrieds” were triggered by your posts is also clueless: you don’t have to be married to know that cheating is wrong.

      1. +1

         not only that cheating is wrong, but that it rarely rarely rarely ever ends in Happily Ever After. And yes, totally true that OP was shopping for a different answer

      2. Yeah, the married guy who swears that he’ll be leaving his wife and starting a new life with you is a tale as old as time. I remember a friend in this situation when I was single in my twenties and all of us on the outside could tell it was bad news. Nothing at all to do with being married.

   3. i am sorry for what happened to you and thank you for posting an update – i was probably one of the few who didn’t think you were a troll (though i thought the other one about the relative was suspect) but didn’t wade into that mess. like you said, this was gutting for you but probably for the best in the long run.

   4. I’m sorry all this happened to you.

      That being said, there was absolutely nothing anyone here (or anywhere) could have said to you to prevent your heart from being broken. Your whole post is like a litany of reasons why women should not date married men. Men who will cheat on their wives and make promises to you about the future while still being married to someone else are trash. Your ex-boyfriend was trash, and I think that’s what many many people were trying to get across to you. There was no positive or non-hurtful way out of that situation, once you had gotten emotionally invested in this guy and told yourself to believe the lies he was telling you about loving you, leaving his wife, etc. Additionally, you putting your own loneliness or other needs in front of the needs of the guy’s family is understandable, but still not acceptable. I hope now you can see things with a little more clarity than you had before.

      It’s apparent from this post you are feeling judged/called out, and I am sorry about that. But here’s the deal about open discussion spaces on the Internet (not just here, but everywhere): you can post what you want, and ask for advice, but do not expect people to cosign bad, hurtful decisions. There is no place on the Internet that I can think of, other than maybe some very niche subreddi ts, where you’d be able to post about enthusiastically participating in an affair with a married man and not get pushback or criticism. I do not think you are a bad person but I think you made some bad choices. If you learned from your mistakes, great.

   5. This is all extremely predictable. This is why we all told you to stop banging a married dude. A guy who lies and cheats is a guy who lies and cheats.

      I am married but I am not “triggered” by affairs. If anything, I am so frustrated by SO MANY WOMEN on this website and out in the world dedicating so much time and effort to garbage men.

      1. All of this. “When a man marries his mistress he creates a job opening” is a cliche, but I have never seen a man who was faithful to his second wife after cheating on his first. Never.

   6. First off, I am so sorry this happened to you. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but what ultimately happened here aligns pretty much spot on with what people were advising you would happen. I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think you got caught up in a situation that was never going to end well, and people were giving you some tough love about it.

      1. I agree with this. I was someone who suggested that multiple posts from different perspectives on this situation were coming from the same person. It sounds like I was right in part, but not on all. I didn’t intend to be insulting you, OP, when I suggested that, but I did mean to say that your attempts to get a different (more encouraging) answer were not going to work. I’m really glad you’re now moving on, and wish you a spark with someone single and trustworthy.

   7. You are not a bad person, you are a person who did a bad thing. It sounds like you have paid some big consequences for your bad thing. The only thing to do now, and it sounds like you are, is to learn from it and do better in the future. I am glad you are in therapy, there are so many big lessons to take away from this experience.

   8. No one said you were a troll for having the affair. It was the lying and writing about the same situation multiple times from different (false) scenarios that people called tr0lling. I don’t think anyone thought you were making up the situation – it’s just weird to write a comment asking for advice pretending to be a good friend of the wife who cares about her well-being, when in reality you’re banging her husband and playing a role in destroying her family. If you had been direct about the fact that you were sleeping with the husband, people might have been judgy and rude but they wouldn’t have accused you of “trolling.”

   9. Come on now. No one was triggered because they were smug marrieds – any person with any sort of normal moral compass would tell you not to sleep with a married guy, **especially** with kids involved. If your posts had been, “Help, I’m doing a terrible thing and I know I need to stop” we’d have had a different response. But what you said was, “Help, I’m in the middle of actively choosing to continue to do a terrible thing, but I want to keep doing it and have all of the people I’ve hurt not hate me in the end.” Wasn’t going to happen.

      1. “my obligation as a “Team Women” to the wife” – your obligation was not to screw her husband.

   10. I strongly support your decision not to date people who are not actually divorced if they have been married. As soon as I learned my now DH’s last name after a few dates, I found the court records to show his divorce was final and had been finalized at the same time he told me that it had been. If I ever find myself in the dating pool again, I will take the same approach. Separated or getting divorced means married. Divorced means available. The line is clear to me and I wasn’t willing to cross it.

       1. You went out with a man whose full name you didn’t know?!? I would never go on a date if I didn’t even know the dude’s name.

       2. I’ve been married to a man for 23 years who was separted when we started seeing each other.

          1. So?

   11. You are still blaming the wife for not leaving him. It’s a toxic marriage because she didn’t set an example by leaving him? Where is his culpability in all of this?

       1. +1 somehow again the wife is blamed for this toxic situation she did not cause and the children’s needs are forgotten.

10. Looking for restaurant recommendations near the New York Marriott Marquis (Broadway & 46th). For dinner, to see friends at an academic conference. No specific requests but something fun and with good food.

    1. Tsurutontan for casual udon and other japanese food
       Pecora Bianca for decent Italian
       There’s a new Korean place that looks amazing near Rockefeller Center called Naro (pricey though)
       There’s also a new Singaporean food court called Urban Hawker that might be fun

    2. Some good restaurants in the area:
       44 and x: https://44andx.com/
       Becco – Italian with pastas of the day
       (A little further up on 50th, great Mexican with excellent drinks: Toloache)
       Koi – pricey but excellent Japanese fusion
       https://www.madisonandvinenyc.com/
       Bryant Park Grill

    3. If you’re willing to walk a little, head to Hell’s Kitchen for a lot of good options. I love:

       – Ariana Afghan – Ninth Ave & 52nd – tiny space with delicious food and the friendliest staff
       – Wondee Siam – there are two locations, but the one between 52nd & 53rd is the OG
       – John’s Pizzeria on 44th near Eighth Ave is in an old church and has really good coal-oven pies

       In the opposite direction, Hangawi in Koreatown is vegetarian Korean food in the most serene setting

    4. You’ll need to walk to get out of Times Sq. But not too far.

       Hell’s Kitchen is your best bet or you could try somewhere further up along 7th avenue.
       I like Danji on W 52nd when I’m in that area – it’s like Korean small plates, good drinks, lots of things to share.

11. Adding my own story of overcoming a tough patch.

    I graduated into the 2008 crash. I was under-employed but somehow managed to survive several rounds of layoffs – probably by volunteering for grunt work that others didn’t want to do, and doing a lot of “non-billable” work. At 30, I was drowning in student loans and living in a studio apartment and wondering if I should start waiting tables on the weekends. I hadn’t started a 401k because of the loans ($3k per month).

    I took a job across the country a decade ago. I paid off my student loans in 2016. I continued to live frugally and bank my bonuses. I got promoted. I am a home-owner with a 7-figure net worth now, and I have no partner. That last part hurts but being single allowed me to work like a dog and get to the secure place I am. Money has been a source of massive anxiety for me until about 5 years ago. And now I am…safe. Maybe alone, but safe and secure.

    1. Ugh, posted too soon.

       My point is: if you are in your 20s or 30s or even 40s right now, and really hurting in the current economic environment, know that it will NOT last and you can still build good habits and achieve security for yourself. It may take 10+ years but it can be done.

       1. As the Chapter 13 filer here, this gives me a lot of hope.

12. Which is better for home relaxation: sauna, hot tub, massage chair, (something else)? I keep thinking I want a massage chair but maybe a sauna is the way to go.

    1. I mean, I looooooooove outdoor hot tubs and it’s really my only regret of city living that my roof deck can’t support one. But YMMV.

       1. I live in Nor Cal so by all rights I should have a hot tub, and I love them, but they are a money pit from every angle – gas and electric, water (neither cheap nor plentiful here), and then maintenance of the tub itself and whatever decking you have around it. And then there’s when the novelty wears off. My friends who have them mostly rarely use them.

          I want one but my brain won’t let me get one.

          1. My parents moved into a house that had a hot tub and used it often for a couple of years. Then, they got sick of dealing with the high energy bills and the cost of chemicals, and the maintenance, and so they drained it and put a cover on it. Lived in the house four additional years; never started up the hot tub again. I think they’re fun as a novelty but as you said, the novelty wears off fast. My mom said it would have been easier and cheaper to just go to a hotel that had a hot tub every few months, vs maintaining their own.

             1. Another reason we’ve never gotten one – true story. We have a down-the-street neighbor my husband coincidentally used to work with. She’s well into retirement now. She’s a dyed in the wool hippie and avid hot tubber. I once made the mistake of asking about her hot tub, and she replied that she didn’t have one, but she knew which neighbors had them, and she tended to use them when she knew they weren’t home.

                At that time, I still wanted a hot tub, but my husband said the last thing he wanted was to come home from work to a naked 70+ year old prior coworker in his hot tub.

    2. I think this is pretty personal! For me it would be a hot tub. For my husband it would probably be a massage chair.

       1. Lots of 1 to 2 person in home saunas these days..they are a big deal in my frozen tundra city.

    3. If I had the space for a sauna I would totally get one! I’ve got dreams of putting one and cutting one of the double sinks in our main bathroom. I don’t feel like hot tubs get hot enough and they’re annoying to manage the water. Massage chairs are never as good as a real massage, and you can get similar results with targeted massage devices.

    4. None of those things sound appealing. I used to rent a house that happened to have a hot tub, but we never bothered to make it functional because it just seemed like way too much of a pain. I think I also just don’t like being really hot, which might be part of why neither saunas or hot tubs appeal, in addition to the hassle and energy/water use factor.

       I don’t even know how this would work, but I’d really love to have a silent room, or even just a little pod, that blocks out all sound. That’s about the most luxurious and relaxing thing I can think of!

    5. My husband and I got a hot tub in July and we LOVE it. I find it really relaxing, especially on week nights or after a long run. I love that I can lay in it and stargaze. It’s also become a place my husband and I can connect–no phones in the hot tub!

    6. I feel like the sauna and the hot tub have barriers to using them (take your clothes off, take the cover off the hot tub, all that maintenance, the expense) while all you have to do to use the massage chair is plop down and sit in it. So that’s what I’d do.

       Signed,

       Hot Tub Owner Who Loves It When I Occasionally Get My Act Together Enough to Actually Use It

    7. Do not get a massage chair. I’d go for the hot tub. Ideally outside because it would be so nice to use on a chilly day.

    8. My friends have a hot tub on a roofed terrace. The roof means there is lower risk of mess falling into the tub, they are also sheltered from nosey neighbors and the terrace is on the 2nd floor so no surprise visitors. Their kids use it daily instead of a regular bath tub (they love the bubbles), parentd use it few times per week. They cut the electricity bills by having solar pannels and living in Mexico.
       My coworker is Finnish and seems everyone in Finland has a sauna in their own apartment. He uses his daily.
       I am not a fan of high heat and prefer a good massage (no massage chair can deliver that, sorry) or I go to public thermal spa (living in Budapest) for occasional dose of hot water.
       But – I would suggest you first try a week of hot tubbing, a week of sauna, a week of massage chair and see what works for you. Then look at the cost & upkeep. You might find that paying weekly for a thermal spa is cheaper.

13. For the person earlier looking for a tiger print jumpsuit
    https://www.etsy.com/listing/1292918763/tiger-lily-wide-leg-retro-jumpsuit-uk

    1. That is oddly compelling. I could never pull that off but I’m drawn to it for some inexplicable reason.

    2. I LOVE THIS.

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