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Coffee Break: Apple Watch Strap

gray Apple watch strap

I'm one of those people who enjoy changing my watch band every so often to switch between seasons or activities (or sometimes just moods!). This watch band from MACHETE (via J.Crew) looks like a great one to add to the collection — the links is unlike the other watch bands in my collection, and I like both the versions with muted colors as well as bright ones. (The neon green one and the bright yellow one are both awesome, but not for everyone.)

The bands are $48-$65 at J.Crew (and sadly are excluded from the 40% off code J.Crew is offering today on “select products”).

(Whoa: MACHETE has a TON more colors available on their website.)

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

{related: what to buy for work at J.Crew}

Sales of note for 12.5

197 Comments

  1. I’m getting my first Apple Watch as a gift this holiday season – does anyone have a recommendation for sites where they’ve found straps that they love?

  2. Does anyone have a Garmin watch? I hike a bit. I have a quartz Timex watch but I can see how the trackback feature (and maybe other features) would be helpful to have. I don’t really want an Apple watch. Something like the Garmin InReach seems over-the-top for me (hikes are generally <2 hours, I carry plenty of water and tend to have paper map + compass with me, plus phone signal is usually good). Does anyone have one? I understand that they can be clunky to use with an interface that is weird (and I need reading glasses, so maybe this isn't for me, but I usually have reading glasses with me also).

    1. I tried an instinct solar for a month and liked it, but ultimately chose for a Fitbit charge 5 instead. I don’t do long enough hikes (4+ hours) that it kills my Fitbit battery often enough that it justified the higher cost and clunkiness for me.

    2. Oh I love my basic garmin. The real bonus for me is not to have to look at my phone for whatsapp messages etc. Mine has an emergency function that I can call my contact in the event I get hurt, and it will somehow sense a fall of your bike. I haven’t tested it yet though, although nearly…

    4. I’m still rocking my VivoActive 1 and pretty much everyone who runs or cycles has some version of Garmin. My advice is to get the most basic one that has the features you need. The more complex you get the buggier the software/user interface, and shorter their lifespan in my experience.

  3. Has anyone gotten JCrew Factory jeans lately? I am hoping that these will be decent mid-rise jeans for a 40ish pear person. But jeans are just a hot mess right now — so many rips, super-high-rises, flares that have too much fabric. These seem normal.

    1. I really like them, but I’d caution you to watch the stretch level you want. I find the ones “with stretch” to have a whole lot of stretch, meaning they’re baggy by the end of the day. The ones with no stretch are perfect for me though.

    3. I’ve really liked the jeans at H&M. I have the “high rise” ankle-length, which on my long pear body work great. They have 100% cotton, which is my go-to.

  4. Paging Senior Attorney

    I just wanted to make sure you saw my gift suggestion on the morning post

    Symphonies Nos. 8 and 9 in Full Score (Dover Orchestral Music Scores) https://a.co/d/hLRPcMi

    They cover all the Beethoven symphonies over three volumes. My favorite to read along to is the 9th, but all of them would be very fun for an amateur conductor!

    1. Aw, thanks! I will definitely check it out!!

      One other thing he’s getting for Christmas is the baton he used, framed in a shadow box with the National Anthem sheet music!

  5. I just realized I missed the Sephora sale and it ended yesterday! What a bummer. I have a list of folks that I was going to buy beauty/skincare gifts for, and was lingering and keeping an eye on a few gift sets and such.
    Any suggestions for alternative sales to look out for in the next few weeks?

    1. I bet those things will go on sale again, especially after Thanksgiving. Retailers seem super thirsty right now trying to push early holiday sales.

      1. Same. Macy’s had good sets as part of F&F recently and we aren’t even to Black Friday yet.

    2. They may do something over Black Friday weekend. But I often find the deals are better at the brands’ websites anyway. So if you were going to buy, say, Sunday Riley at the Sephora sale, sign up for emails from Sunday Riley for now, and they’ll probably have something really good for Black Friday.

      1. Yup. I think the brands try not to step on Sephora’s toes with their sales. Most of those brands will have pretty good Black Friday sales even if Sephora doesn’t.

    3. Sephora usually does a fragrance sale in December. Otherwise I agree that the individual brands will likely have at least 20% off for Black Friday.

    4. Dermstore does sales too. And agreed on brand sites. Skincare brands do better discounts than 15%

    5. If you’re in their rewards program, they may send you a coupon code for a one-time discount. That happened to me once when I missed the sale, probably about a week after the sale ended.

    6. Ok, if you’re still reading, this is late but I follow some subreddits on this and Macy’s has some GOOD ones right now… like really good. I’m waiting to see if they get marked down for black friday myself.

  6. So as a forever single person I’ve always taken the approach of don’t criticize a friend’s husband or bf, even if THEY are criticizing, just let them vent, but don’t agree or add to it because somehow it’ll turn into MY criticism even though I didn’t raise it. This approach has always worked for me until now.

    Friend is mid 40s, been with her husband since they were in high school. They married in their 30s and have two preteen daughters. Friend vents about her husband a LOT – like nearly every time we’re together just the two of us. Thing is I fully agree with her venting. Do I say anything? Do I keep nodding along? She’s a good friend and one of my only friends in my city, we’ve known each other for nearly 15 years, but honestly I don’t want to get together just to hear about someone else’s marriage.

    Issue is that she works hard – very very hard as a biglaw partner. He’s a stay home dad – that was their agreement since day one as she wasn’t wanting to sacrifice being available for her career for kids and he was, and it financially made sense because she out earned him by a lot even as an associate as his jobs paying under 100k. Fast forward a decade, the kids are out of the house all day, have after school activities, friends and are basically starting to carve out their own lives. Meanwhile dad has taken this as license to sit home and play video games and watch movies ALL day. Their agreement was for him to take up some employment when the kids were older, but she’s very understanding that maybe it won’t be possible to break back into the job market with a decade long break, yet he doesn’t even try for jobs and also won’t do a simple load of laundry or unload the dishwasher. While they have a cleaning service and all, there are obviously household tasks that can’t wait a week so she feels like she’s still working 80 hours per week and doing it all at home. What do you say?? I get the work part – being in the same industry, the pressure on a partner with minimal clients is unrelenting. But the home part – IDK what to say even though I do agree and personally I could never marry anyone who stayed home – even to raise kids – because I’d be so resentful.

    1. You tell her to get a therapist. Not a COUPLES therapist, mind you, but someone whose job it is to listen to her vent because you are not getting paid $400/hour or whatever the going rate is nowadays to listen to this. No one wants to be someone else’s emotional t!mpon. It is not fun for me or my mental health to absorb all of this mess you’re throwing my way and then you just toss me away because you feel better after you vented but now I feel worse because I worry for you. You can focus on how this affects your relationship with her, without commenting on her very valid concerns about her husband.

    2. Sounds like you’re looking for advice on two fronts: advice for her and advice for you.

      My advice to her would to communicate with her husband concretely about every single thing she wants done around the house and the (again, concrete) ways that he can make her life easier. Unfortunately, this was the agreement she signed up for. It’s a huge hit to your career to be out of the workforce for 10 years, and he made that sacrifice for their household. He doesn’t have a career to magically jump back into. It also sounds like her concerns may be more about resentment and the principle of it than anything tangible. Do they have enough money without him working? Can she scale back if she’s overwhelmed without needing him to work? What does she truly want from him? If it’s just that it doesn’t “feel fair,” that’s unfortunately again the agreement she signed up. The cleaning and household stuff seems like a matter of laying down the law and dropping the ball – she needs to communicate with him explicitly what she wants him to do around the house and then just not do it until he does.

      The more important advice is for you though, which is: this isn’t your circus or your monkey. Give guidance, commiserate on how hard it is, but ultimately it’s not your problem to fix. Feel grateful your single and don’t have to deal with this!

    3. For you, I’d continue your policy of not voicing direct criticism. You could ask her more about what she thinks she/they should do, etc. Or, if you just want to hang with your friend, try to redirect the conversation. I think the fact that you agree with your friend is clouding your judgment on what is wise to say.

    4. In her shoes I’d be resentful too. I wouldn’t try to give her marriage advice but I’d totally be there for her on her emotions about this, since you agree with her.

    5. Augh, I was so annoyed when the male partners with stay at home wives would start this whine after their kids were older. No, the spouse who gave up their career for your high flying job cannot suddenly get a career after watching the kids for a decade. No, doing a couple of tasks on the weekend is not some tragedy. No, your spouse is not actually doing “nothing” because they have time to relax after solo parenting for years.

      Can you tell I was resentful because I was doing the same job with no stay at home spouse while birthing and nursing babies no less??? Thankfully, my current workplace is mostly working parents with working spouses so I don’t have to hear this anymore.

      Anyway, please ignore my rant and ask your friend to complain about her husband less. Or if you have a deep friendship and don’t mind the conversation, you can ask “did you tell him this? What did he say?”

      1. In my experience, this bitching about their stay at home wives is usually followed by a pass at me, usually not all that subtle.

        1. Yes. Men who b1tch about their wives to other women (excluding their mom or sister) are looking to start an affair. It’s a ‘subtle’ (not actually very subtle) way to let the woman you’re interested in know you’re not happy at home AND to make her feel like she wouldn’t be doing anything wrong because your wife is such a miserable person who doesn’t deserve this wonderful man. Blehhhhh.

    6. Wow, so I am amazed that everyone on this board has so much self control.

      I would have of course supported my friend and told her that she was absolute right to be frustrated and that her husband’s behavior was unacceptable. Then push her as to why she hasn’t she hasn’t already sat him down and had a calm, rational conversation about it. Is he depressed? Is he scared? Does he need therapy (not her!!!!). Does he need to see a career counselor? What are his plans?!?! And if he was my friend too, I would have probably also kicked him in the butt by now and asked him these same questions. But I have a lot of couple friends that I would be comfortable saying these things to.

      The fact that you guys claim you can just be nonjudgmental and sit back and just ask open ended questions seems unfathomable to me. I also don’t mind when my friends vent to me, but I do push back if they vent about things they have the power to improve and don’t move forward to do that. I push them to make their lives better, and if they refuse for irrational reasons… THEN I push back that I don’t want to hear about it anymore and they need to get a counselor etc…

      I am assuming that he is otherwise a great Dad and she loves him and wants to continue the marriage. Obviously if they divorced she’s in a pickle because she will have to support him a long time and depending upon where they live, may have to give him 1/2 of her 401k etc…

      1. Well I think the advice is taking into account OP’s stated policy of not weighing in on her friends’ relationships. I wouldn’t personally be able to do that but I have also lost friendships because I was too judgmental of someone’s horrible relationship. So I totally see the wisdom in not commenting on it.

      2. But does she have the power to change it? Because unless he wants to change, there is not much she can do. She can learn to accept the positive of her marriage or she can get a divorce. And in addition to the emotion component of that (does she love her husband?), if she gets a divorce she is going to be paying child support and alimony (and giving him half her 401K) PLUS she will have to pay someone to take the kids to appointments and after school activities when she has custody. Because I have to tell you, the fact that they are pre-teens does not mean that there is a lot less work than when they were in elementary school. I actually found that parenting required more hands on work once kiddos hit middle school.

      3. I posted above that, if she wants to be involved, she could ask more direct questions about what friend thinks she/they should do. To me, those questions would include, What do you think is going on? Is he depressed? Scared? Do you think therapy/career counselor would help him figure out his next steps? Do you think therapy would help you figure out what you want to do? Those questions can all be asked in a nonjudgmental, supportive way. And, to me, that’s very different than saying his behavior is unacceptable, or that I’d never marry someone who stayed home to raise kids (which sounds judgmental of the friend, not just the husband).

        Or, since OP said she doesn’t want to get together just to hear about someone’s marriage, she could redirect the conversation to something else. Because any one of those questions will invite a lot more conversation about friend’s marriage.

        1. I have friends with whom I have instituted a 15 minute rule. They get to complaint about their boyfriend or spouse for 15 minutes and then we are talking about something else. “Because I love you but I am not a relationship counselor and endlessly rehashing the negatives of your relationship with not helpful.”

    7. Sorry, dude, but if you are SAH you do all the housework and yard work. It’s a job.

      1. Is it your consistent expectation that SAH wives do all the yard work? I am not suggesting it’s inappropriate to expect that, just pushing to see if there is a gender difference here. I honestly don’t know any SAH wives who do yard work. They may supervise staff/hired labor for that, but they don’t do it themselves, and often it seems to still land on the husband’s plate. And there is absolutely an expectation that their husbands will do certain tasks around the house — usually traditionally “male” tasks like taking out the garbage, changing light bulbs, handling plumbing, auto, and other mechanical issues — because those are usually people with traditional gender roles in their marriages.

        1. I stayed at home for 6 months when my son was 1 to 1.5. I did all the housework and just about all the childcare. I took out trash and changed light bulbs. I did some (real) gardening and figured out some very basic repairs.

          I never once mowed the grass. And I bought supplies but never washed the car. This confirmed to me that I’ll never be motivated to do those things. Just like my 2 months on bed rest (which led to my 6-month unemployment exactly 1 year later) confirmed to me that I will never take up knitting, despite the yarn and knitting needles and magazine my SIL lovingly dropped off for me.

        2. I SAH for a few months. Yes, I did all the yard work during that time. I still do the plumbing and change the lightbulbs, but now I have to do my paying job on top of all that.

      2. I am just imagining the response on this Board if someone came and said: I quit my job and stayed home with our kids so spouse could pursue their ambitions but now that the kids are in school, he seems to think I do nothing by watch TV and eat bonbons all day. He wants me to go get a job but has no plan for who is going to take the kids to school, pick the kids up at 3, take them to their 3-4 times per week after school activities, handle our turn at snack for those activities, take them to the doctor, dentist, orthodontist, and make sure the homework gets done and that they are supervised until he gets home at 7 or 8 p.m. And on top of that he is constantly complaining that my household contributions are never enough.

        Because I would imagine that (after telling her she was kind of an idiot for giving up her job) the vast majority of the people on this Board would take her side.

        OP – I would stay out of this except perhaps to suggest she should talk to her husband and ask her what he said.

        1. But I think you missed her complaint. While the kids are in school, she implied he isn’t doing the basic household stuff. He doesn’t have to clean – they have cleaners. Pretty sweet. But he doesn’t unload the dishwasher(?). He doesn’t do the laundry. He leaves stuff to the weekend that he could have done during the weekend so she feels she has to do it.

          So he covers the 3pm-7pm shift. What about the rest of the day? Sure I know there are things to do, but there is quite a bit of free time once the kids are in school all day. Especially if you don’t have to do any cleaning, or you aren’t doing the laundry, or dishes or….?

          1. It is certainly possible that the guy is sitting around for hours every day playing video games and lazing around. However, assuming that the characterization of the needs of preteens (11? 12?) year olds are the friend’s and not the original poster’s, I would be hesitant to trust the characterization of someone who is so completely out of touch with what it takes to raise children at that age. They do not just get themselves to afterschool activities (or sign themselves up for the activities or make sure they have the equipment for the activities or volunteer to help with the activities) and they are a bit young to be allowed to be on their own with friends, even without the issues of transportation. And that does not even get into holidays and summers.

            I just suspect that if we reverse the genders here, many of the people on this board would be talking about the physical and emotional labor involved in running a household and the substantial advantages to the career of the working parent at the expense of the parent who stays home.

            Also, I can pretty much guarantee you that family is emptying the dishwasher more than once a week.

      3. Even in a 1950s fever dream, the husband-provider does the yard work and fixes things around the house while the homemaker-wife does or manages housework and takes the lead on raising the children.

        1. Eh, my SAHM did the yard work. She also managed the finances, shopped, cooked, cleaned, sewed our clothes, and volunteered at the school. It’s a job. I wish it were my entire job so I didn’t have to do 50% of it on top of my day job.

    8. Would it be great if he did all that stuff? Sure. Has she told him that? Unclear. My Q would be how much of the laundry and dishes are HIS versus kids or her… because if he’s not the one causing the mess, the mess will still be there if she dumps his ass.

      So discuss with him, assess, maybe hire someone to do that stuff (like she would if he were out of picture), then consider relationship.

  7. Is there a good book to read about how college admissions really works at places like SLACs and competitive colleges (not Harvard, etc., but places like UNC)? I feel like I knew what it was like when I was in high school, but that was eons ago. Now, I have a month to pick a high school for rising freshman and one big concern hotly debated locally is that the default school produces too many good fungible girls to get into most State U campuses, so you either need to prepare budget-wise to pay for private school, to pay for OOS or private colleges, or to go to a local magnet program where instead of being in a class of 2000 kids, you are now in a verifiable Title I school where you are one of 250 kids (so possibly will be lower in class rank but less fungible). IDK what to do really. I get that my kid is a good (not great) kid and would be an asset to any school, but she is a basic girl and colleges are just overwhelmed with them. I hate this rat race feeling and feel like no one I talk to knows anything more than annecdata or has too much of a personal interest to be objective. [It’s so interesting to me now reading about legacy admissions, which will not be a thing for our family — maybe if I had made different decisions at 17, it would matter now.] Ugh.

    1. This is a decade ago but I found reading the collegeconfidential forums very helpful, if those are still around.

    2. I mean or you could explore treating your anxiety and just pick a school where you think your daughter will learn things and have friends and be happy. There are plenty of colleges. She will go to one.

      1. +1

        Is this anxiety over the “best” college an American thing? I’m Canadian and all the comments here about picking colleges fascinate me because as far as I remember, this was not a thing when I was in high school. But we don’t have as many schools here.

        2. When college costs close to $80,000 a year and going to the “right” one is perceived as a ticket to a good job (I have observed that this is more true for grad school and law school), you better believe people are going to care about it.

        3. It’s a thing for a small group of upper-middle class Americans. Many, many Americans think any of their state’s colleges would be fine for their kids. (And they want them to stay in their state so it’s cheaper$

          1. +1. There’s an industry of college consultants that I swear try to whip up this anxiety to give themselves jobs. Most people do not obsess.

          2. I’m upper middle class and my state’s colleges have absolutely been fine if not wonderful for my two kids currently attending them!! (One UC, one CSU)

      2. This was our approach with our son and he is an honors student with a 4.1 GPA, is also participating in extracurriculars he loves and is having a great time, he has lots of friends, etc. 10/10 would recommend this approach to anyone. We don’t know where he’ll end up college-wise, but I’m sure it will be fine as he is learning to be a well-rounded freelance good human being with meaningful relationships and activities he enjoys participating in, and I think that’s the true path to happiness. Not going to a particular college. P.S., no, not all Americans get caught up in this “my kid has to go to the perfect school or their life is over” nonsense.

    3. Ron Lieber’s The Price You Pay For College. But your daughter should go to the school where she’s most likely to thrive. That matters more than what will look good on paper but is a bad fit for her otherwise. Happy, motivated students do well academically and stand out to admissions officers in a way that kids just going through the motions trying not to be fungible don’t.

      1. I totally agree with this. And yet, this is a lot of what life is. Not just being competent, but marketing yourself right. Online dating, applying to jobs, selling real estate. I really, really hate it. It’s just not who I am, but I’ve accepted that the game isn’t going away, so I need to be good at playing it (the mediocre dudes who are my competition at work certainly do and I can’t bear losing to them). Ugh.

        I hate that we are packing our kids now (maybe this is not new).

        2. By buying into that game you are perpetuating that game, and also buying yourself (and maybe your child) a great deal of unhappiness. You could absolutely choose not to do this. I imagine it’s probably your own internal competitiveness and vanity driving these choices, and not what you really think is best for yourself – or your child.

    4. +1 for CollegeConfidential.

      I’m sure it’s different at some of the most competitive state schools like UVa and Michigan and of course the UCs, but I live in a state with very respectable but not outstanding public universities and it’s not that competitive to get in coming from a good public high school in the state. Well over half our high school graduating class gets into at least one of the flagship state schools. So it’s not something I’m hugely worried about.

    5. Don’t most states have many state schools? An average kid might not get into the flagship main campus, but most of them where I live at least cater to the most basic of basic students. What state are you in?

      1. I live in State A, where a lot of kids go to college in State B, paying OOS tuition, but State B offers generous discounts to State A students. State B benefits b/c State A kids pay more than State B kids. State A kids getting discounted tuition are marginally richer and have higher scores than the average State B college enrollee, so it’s just a racket. And State A has one main flagship U that most State A students don’t get into (likely b/c of OOS students from other schools who find it cheaper than SLACs).

        1. Just say the states. It doesn’t out you. It’s hard to offer advice in a vacuum. California is very different than Iowa.

          1. 100% agree with Anon at 3:51. I would just like to make a sincere plea to provide geographical information in these kinds of posts. It doesn’t out you, and using anonymizers makes it really impossible to offer advice, develop knowledge, or be thoughtful. Any comments about housing markets, real estate, schools, or commuting are going to be really different for a New Yorker than an Iowan than a Californian.

    6. Which school does your daughter want to go to, and does she seem to want to go to a place like Harvard or whatever?

      1. Same Anon here. Also, I think I understand what you’re saying about “fungible” people and that your daughter is “good not great,” but if I knew my mother had that kind of attitude, I’d be really sad. You’re talking about your daughter and her friends like a product, not like actual people who have desires and talents of their own.

        3. On one hand, I winced; on the other, that is how elite colleges view them. Top colleges receive stupid numbers of applications and basically just triage – anyone who isn’t a superstar is tossed and they pick amongst the greats. A suburban girl in the top 25% of her class without outstanding extracurricular activities is not going to get schools to take notice.

          The solution is to apply all over the place and look for merit aid.

          1. My point is that her mom isn’t her admissions counselor and shouldn’t adopt that view. She should be supporting her daughter in what will be best for daughter’s current wellbeing, not what a potential admissions counselor at an unknown college will think in 3-4 years.

            At this level, daughter is going to get in somewhere, and I promise OP that daughter will be completely fine (and hopefully HAPPY!) whether that is the #1 flagship state school in your area or the #7 SLAC or the #3 state school campus.

          2. “A suburban girl in the top 25% of her class without outstanding extracurricular activities is not going to get schools to take notice.”

            So? So the kid goes to a school that’s not a “top school” and maybe does fine and has a great life and is happier than a lot of the women here who did go to “top schools” and seem miserable. That would be a win, in my book.

          3. I work at a top college and I assure you it is not how we talk about applicants! Even though most don’t get in they are still discussed with respect.

          4. Right? I listed to a lot of commentary on the Harvard cases this week and last week and they really just treated kids as revenue-generating commodities and how admissions officers from so many schools curate a student body almost the way a jewelry boutique picks its sparkly wares. It was gross. So much power in admissions officers’ hands and they will sort of admit that they don’t care but yet they really care about only having the right Benneton-ad version of a student body. Like if you are from Iran, are you white? Asian? MENA (but Iran is not in the Middle East — go look at an f-ing map)? So many schools gave themselves a black eye in this. At least my community college is honest: education close to home at an affordable price.

        4. Fellow gross mom I guess – some kids are ok to coast and so they are not great in part of their own choosing, due to laziness or stubbornness. Because they are privileged and entitled and think the world will fall at their feet. When, as moms, we know they are fungible.

          It’s reality, not derision.

          1. If your child is entitled and privileged, that’s on you. There is a big difference between being lazy/coasting and participating in the stupid rat race. The rat race is damaging to your children.

    7. Over a decade ago, I taught at a top ranked public high school (if you’re in the Chicago area, I bet you’d get it in under three guesses, hah). I remember serving on a committee as a representative of our faculty for some sort of district-wide initiative. We were put in discussion groups comprised of parents, administrators, a board member, and a student and were each supposed to share something we felt our school did well, and something it could improve on. One mother shared that while we had great [extracurriculars, AP course offerings, academic supports, and on and on and on– you name it, we had it], she thought that our school needed some sort of way to differentiate itself from the two other top-tier high schools in the immediate area to improve our students’ chances for college admissions. I wanted to shake her– her children (and most of our students) already had every last possible opportunity afforded to them. There is no secret sauce beyond ones that are out of your hands, and to try to chase after them is a recipe for the burned-out, jaded 16-year-olds I had as students.

      Stop listening to the helicopter parents who are on the treadmill and complain the loudest about said treadmill to signal to others that they’re parenting the hardest. Send your kid to a decent, safe high school. Love them, be firm with boundaries, and let them own the times they inevitably screw up and encourage them to figure out how to pick themselves up. Know that your kid is well ahead of the race and then step back.

      There is no magic key. Sometimes admissions aren’t going to be fair to everyone. You and your kid will be fine.

      1. Aunt Jamesina, well said. As a parent now, it’s an excellent reminder.

        To add, the best thing my parents did for my development was to love me, support me in what I wanted to do, and let me figure out my own life, including educational plans.

        1. Yes, this. Listen to what your daughter wants. Different things are best for different kids and giving them some space to figure things out on their own is so important.

    9. I will not offer advice on most of your comment, but I work in elite admissions, and I recommend the book “Who Gets In and Why” by Jeff Selingo for a look into how admissions works at a variety of schools. “Creating a Class” by Mitchell Stevens and “The Gatekeepers” by Jacques Steinberg are other good ones that I read in grad school.

      1. Is it really as much of a sausage factory as I think it is at elite schools? I get that you can easily toss 90% of applications (which is probably a ton now that many schools waived standardized tests). And at least you don’t need to attach a photo like you used to.

        I swear, if you ditched legacy admissions and athletic admissions and just used a lottery after imposing a reasonable preparedness floor, I’d respect the process a ton more.

        1. At elite schools it’s more like 90% of applicants are qualified rather than 90% unqualified. Sure you get some kids who aren’t prepared throwing their hat in the ring but the vast majority of kids who apply to the Ivies, Stanford, MIT etc could succeed if admitted.

      2. Seconding Who Gets In and Why. This was eye opening in realizing that nearly every applicant is well qualified but there just isn’t room for all of them. I would look at which of your high schools also have college counselors and if that is their only focus or if your family is open to paying for private college counseling/essay editors. But truly what high school does your daughter want to go to? Our daughter graduated from one of the most competitive high schools in our city and is now a college freshman at an out state private college. Would she have chosen this college if she went to public high school? Probably not. Would she have ended up at a similarly ranked one? Probably.

    10. Several points:

      There are a lot of great school besides Harvard and state schools. College Confidential will help you target them and give you guidance on how merit aid and need based aid will be handled. Make up a list, tour, and apply.

      Legacy admissions do not matter the way you think they do, and I can say this with confidence because each school handles them differently. So really do not go down that path of “woe is me, my kid is not a legacy.”

      Depending on what your daughter wants to do, the school she goes to won’t matter as much or may matter quite a lot. Wall Street? Top notch undergrad. Engineering? Go to the most woman friendly ABET accredited school she can afford. Law school? Take the cheap undergrad, get a 4.0, and put the money towards law school.

    11. As someone whose daughter just graduated from college (OOS), I do not think a book will help much. There is too much variation by state and the situation on the ground is moving too fast. (Particularly as we work through Covid-related issues.) My suggestion would be to find a really good college counselor and pay for a consult.

      And I get it! I live in California and while my daughter could have gotten into one of the state schools, the reality is that not many people want to go to Merced or to a lot of the smaller and more remote CSUs, and getting into SDSU or Cal Poly is hard for an average (or even above average) student. Strategic consideration early, particularly for academically average students, can be critical.

  8. Someone on the morning thread mentioned a potluck – are those a thing at your office where people eat food from others’ homes? I feel like I’ve always worked in offices where we’ve ordered in from restaurants, in part because people are busy and aren’t going to cook but also in part because a good percent of people don’t want to eat food from others’ homes. Not to say I’ve never had a baked good from a coworker. Once I had a boss who was a grill master type who’d bring in a roast and slice it up. But do people actually do potlucks still where someone makes a salad and someone else brings a casserole?

    1. Yes, still a thing, for our holiday party the main course will be catered but people bring apps and desserts potluck from home.

    3. Yep, still a thing. There’s often some complaining, but there’s no budget for food (higher ed).

    5. That was me this morning – our office is providing turkey and ham and everyone else can bring what they like. And at my last job (pre-Covid) we did birthday potlucks all the time so we didn’t have to convince our tightwad CEO to pay for pizza or something (that’s another story).

    6. Yes, I’ve told the story before, but I was a senior manager in a large department with a shared pool of assistants. The assistants lived for potlucks and loved to organize them. I always made a basically store bought Caesar salad (commented this morning) but it always seemed like only the women in our department brought anything in. There was always pizza no matter the occasion because the men would just give money and the assistants would buy pizza with it.

      One year the assistants came by and asked me to bring in a turkey for the pre-thanksgiving potluck. I was like, you want me to bring in an entire roast turkey? (Picturing myself doing this on BART) They said yes. I asked what the other managers at my level were doing – all male – and the assistants said they were chipping in for pizza. I said, ok I will also chip in for pizza.

      They were mad at me for months.

      1. Yeah for this reason I don’t participate in this stuff starting day one on a new job. I very much hold the – I don’t cook – line. It’s believable as I’m single and don’t have a family to feed. So day one at a new job I’d be putting cash in for pizza or whatever – like I wouldn’t even go to the store to order my own thing or put it in my own bowl. Assistants and women generally don’t love me or understand me but oh well.

      2. LOL. If they liked organizing potlucks themselves so much, why did they keep asking people who clearly were not into it to join???

        I’ve told this story before, but at my last job, we were having a team soup cookoff competition. The a-hole CEO decided to “put together” a team among the C-suite/senior leadership members, sent an email to everyone on said team announcing this, and in the same email voluntold the only woman, the CFO (my boss) to make a particular soup he referred to as “her famous [something, I forget] soup.” She had mentioned this soup recipe once.

        The best part? CEO himself was going to be out of town the day of the cookoff.

      3. “One year the assistants came by and asked me to bring in a turkey for the pre-thanksgiving potluck. I was like, you want me to bring in an entire roast turkey? (Picturing myself doing this on BART) They said yes. I asked what the other managers at my level were doing – all male – and the assistants said they were chipping in for pizza. I said, ok I will also chip in for pizza.

        They were mad at me for months.”

        I will always love this story

      4. As the first female partner at my firm, one of my first times I “used my voice” was to end the practice of having “the firm” provide the main for the meal and having a potluck for the remainder. The male partners considered themselves to be “the firm” and their contribution to be the restaurant-purchased meat while the all-female staff were expected to cater the remainder of the meal from their home kitchens. Nope. We cater all meals from restaurants now. If people want to bring something on any day of the year, they can, but there is no request and no expectation.

        1. That’s a great point and I’m glad you stood up for it. I’ll be watching the (90% male) partners at my firm to see how they behave on the sign-up sheet!

        2. I worked at a law firm that did the same thing, where the attorneys contributed money for catering and the staff brought in homemade food. In addition, the (all female and heavily minority) support staff had to serve the (all white and mostly male) attorneys the meal. Like they came around to us, took our plates, prepared a plate with the foods we said we wanted, brought the food back to us, and only after all the attorneys had been served could they go and get their own food. It was INCREDIBLY uncomfortable for me as a young-ish female attorney, and definitely indicative of a broader racism and sexism problem at that firm. I lasted less than a year there.

    7. I love this comment- it warms my midwestern soul where potlucks are alive and well. A few years ago I was in a public facing role and GASP I would eat homemade food from customers. Granted, not ALL customers, but if a sweet little old lady brought me cookies, I’d eat them.

      1. I usually have no problem eating food from other people’s kitchens, but I went to one BBQ last summer where the host’s house was absolutely filthy (I went in to use the bathroom) and I just lost my appetite altogether. I left before the food was served.

        1. I have a personal bar for others food – is this worse than what I’ve eaten from a Taco Bell at 1am? If the answer is yes, don’t partake.

    8. My (diverse) office had a diversity potluck each year where everyone brought in traditional dishes from their culture. It was delicious and enthusiastically attended — BUT you didn’t have to contribute, you just couldn’t eat if you didn’t.

      1. +1

        Yes, I have worked in incredibly diverse places and we all potlucks for this reason. So much delicious international food.

    9. My office has a Thanksgiving potluck during lunch in mid-November. The office provides turkey and ham and wine, and everyone brings in a side, appetizer, or dessert. There’s a sign-up sheet in the office kitchen right now. People bring lots of casseroles and lots of desserts. Leftovers are kept in the office refrigerator for days. I think it’s really weird, but I also think it’s pretty fun.

      Some years, I’ve brought something store bought. Others, I’ve taken the time to bake a dessert. Last year, I didn’t bring anything, and they still let me eat.

    10. I’ve never worked somewhere with a budget to order or pay for anything frivolous. Legitimately the only time I’ve ever had a meal covered by work was when I’m on a business trip.

    11. My office does a potluck and I hate it for so many reasons. The staff make most of the food. The women attorneys make something but the men don’t. It’s like a tax of time and money on the women in the office. If a woman (ahem me) brings something store bought she gets side eye from the other women. The firm has plenty of money idk why they’re cost shifting like this. It feels really tacky.

  9. Any recommendations for an affordable, very warm winter coat? Helping out an international student from a warm place who is looking at the many options on Amazon as well as online sites.

    Appropriate for a petite 20-something.

    1. Lands End. I don’t have a specific rec, but you can definitely find something affordable on sale and they come in petite sizes (assuming you mean petite sized, which is short, not skinny, as Lands End does run does run a little larger than some brands).

      1. Can’t go wrong with Land’s End for warm, durable and dependable. And, paging pugsnbourbon, I believe they’re on sale today.

      2. When I was a 5’4” size 0/00, lands end smallest size was comically huge on me. Which is sad because it seemed like a really warm and well made coat.

    4. I’d recommend any of the Uniqlo Seamless Down coats (not the Ultra Light Down, those aren’t warm).

      1. I would go for Uniqlo too. I’m on the cusp of petite and don’t find Land’s End anything to be very flattering on me and I always end up just feeling frumpy but Uniqlo’s puffer keeps me warm and looks good.

    7. Check out Columbia options on Amazon. Not sure if they still have it, but the Grand Trek down jacket is AMAZING.

  10. Turns out I need to be in DC later in the week near GW, coming from Richmond. My meeting will be done in the morning. I’ve never been to Georgetown and I love cute neighborhoods, old homes with fall foliage. If I wanted to take 20 min to walk around somewhere where I could just get a vibe of Georgetown before turning around and getting back on 95, where would I go? It doesn’t need to be anything specific, I’m fine walking along a residential street. IDK if the university is worth seeing. I know there’s a shopping area there but I’m not needing to go to an Apple store or anything. I’d also like to stay outdoors if possible as then I don’t have to worry about masks or crowds.

    1. I used to walk through the Georgetown neighborhoods and never saw the school. Dumbarton Oaks is lovely.

    2. I went to Georgetown for undergrad and live in the neighborhood still! The university is pretty but I’d stay in the neighborhoods with only 20min.

      The main shopping streets are M and Wisconsin. The typical Georgetown streets and neighborhood are north of M St, and to the east and west of Wisconsin Ave. The university is to the west. If you don’t want to run into students, stay to the east of Wisconsin.

      On the east side, you could start at Dumbarton Oaks, walk south towards Tudor Place, then meander south and east towards, say, M St and 28 or 29th St. It’s all on a hill, walking south will have you going downhill (if you’re taking Ubers). It sounds like you might have a car, in which case just find a spot anywhere in that general area; during the day you should be able to find a spot on the street.

      Slightly south of M St is Baked and Wired, which is great if you need a coffee or cupcake/pastry.

      Have fun! Let me know if you need any other recs.

      2. I thought Baked and Wired was so overhyped, but at the time I lived in the Bay Area with many amazing cupcake places like Sprinkles, Kara’s and Susiecake.

      3. Almond Pantry is also great if you want something a little heartier, or Chaia for excellent vegetarian tacos.

    3. If you are near the Foggy Bottom metro, you could just walk from there to Georgetown. It’s a nice walk, lots of picturesque row houses. You could also stop at the Kennedy Center, you can go in even if you aren’t seeing a show. It has great views of the river on the terraces.

      The neighborhood just east of Wisconsin and running from, say, M Street up to P is very lovely.

      20 minutes isn’t really enough time to walk to the campus and honestly, it would probably take close to that long to drive there from GW (assuming you are near Foggy Bottom). At least it would prepandemic! The campus is nice, but I think it’s more fun to walk around the Georgetown neighborhood.

  11. Hey, what are your favorite hotels in San Francisco for a one-night stay? Would like to be near Union Square and also near the BART (which I guess is the same thing, right?). Not averse to spending a little money but would like to keep it under, say, $500 if possible.

    1. And while you’re at it I’ll take your dining suggestions for two dinners and a lunch, too!

      1. Yes I’d stay near Union square. The Grand Hyatt is nice. I also like the St Francis, which is a Westin. Nob Hill hotels are also nice, the Fairmont especially, but a little harder to get around from there. Depends on what you want to do while you’re there.

        For dining my perennial favorite is the Tadich Grill, which has been there forever.

          1. It’s been years since we went but we looooved Acquerello when we lived in the Bay Area. Campton Place is also great (it’s Indian fusion despite the name) and located in a fancy hotel in Union Sq.

      2. I’m not a local, but I had the best meal at Empress by Boon recently. Sooooo good.

      3. Dining options close-ish to Union Square/on BART

        For dinners:
        – Burma Love (Burmese food, get the salad)
        – Abaca (Filipino-Californian food)
        – Empress by Boon (upscale Chinese)

        For lunch/pastries:
        – Ariscault (lovely croissants, sandwiches, Civic Center location is convenient but kind of dicey)
        – Maison Nico (great baked goods, French classics)
        – Swan Oyster Depot (fresh seafood, pricey for what it is)
        – Delah Cafe (cute Yemeni cafe with light bites)
        – La Cocina marketplace (food hall)

      4. The patio at La Mar is my favorite for dining currently. It’s well heated. The pisco sours and ceviche are amazing.

        1. Oh I love La Mar! Totally agree about the pisco sours and ceviche…

          SA this is another F line option.

          I’m still team Tadich for a boozy lunch. Have the petrale sole or the crab louis after a martini or a bloody mary.

  12. This is my first “normal” winter since 2019 and I’m realizing I can’t remember how I used to get through winters— most of the things I like to do are outdoors, and even if it’s warm enough to get outside, you lose light early enough it is challenging to get outside without seriously flexing my day (which I sometimes can). What do people do in the winter for fun when outside isn’t an option? I live alone so pretty much anything with other people takes planning.

    1. I like museums in the winter; lots of walking and weather-protected. (I live in DC though, so there is an infinite supply of free ones.) Movies work as well, and both museums and movies are fun by myself. For more active things, bowling with a few friends is fun as long as we are all equally terrible and not serious. If I’m burrowing in at home, baking or reading. I have thought about inviting people over for a make your own pizza party, or creating an elaborate cocktail event (maybe two liquors but tons of add-ins). Maybe one day I’ll actually do that…

    2. I am an outdoorsy person and embrace winter as the season of hygge and uitwaiien (walking in the wind). An early morning walk is generally less dark and dreary than an evening walk. Noxgear lights help with safety. I am planning to buy some Rumpl blankets for keeping warm by the outdoor fire pit this winter. If you have access to a hot tub (I don’t) that is lots of fun on winter nights. Indoors, I have a lot of battery operated candles and use the gas fireplace when it gets cold enough. I cook seasonal foods, bake, read, knit, and listen to music (jazz standards are especially cozy to me). Game nights and puzzle nights with friends are also very hyggelig. Weekends are for getting outdoors all day.

      1. To the rumpl purchaser — it turns out that the REI camp blanket will be 40% off for members starting on the 11th of this month! I don’t have one, but was considering purchasing.
        https://www.rei.com/product/136216/rei-co-op-camp-blanket?sku=1362160021&store=107&cm_mmc=PLA_Google%7C21700000001700551_1362160021%7C92700058180278394%7CPB%7C71700000074512471&gclid=Cj0KCQiAmaibBhCAARIsAKUlaKSag9u0720Ez0IE5jcYO3g8SMzHZPmZ0y2MBoPitan7S-huRxGVMY8aAkKlEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

    3. I’ve decided I’m just saying f* it to the darkness this year. Husband and I went on a walk at 9 pm last night around the neighborhood. Bought some Noxgear vests and a headlamp and we’re good. My indoor gym membership also gets more use in the winter, and I read a lot more.

  13. Update on puppy in apartment situation: 7 day notice to cure ends today, nothing changed the entire time. Office and corporate were emailed every time (including as early as 5:45 am, throughout days, and as late as after midnight). I have sent audio of the barking multiple times. Maintenance heard it while fixing something in my unit on a weekday for over an hour, office staff heard it on the phone with me about it on a weekend for over half an hour. Tenant has acknowledged awareness in texts and talking with office staff. City has sent noise ordinance info but say it’s not abuse or neglect since dog is inside in air conditioning. They said they will not remove the dog and if I want to go further, numerous neighbors will have to come together, go on record, sign legal documents open to the public, etc. which is unlikely to get enough people together to do this on top of living through this. When neighbors kept knocking on her door to beg her to stop it, she rearranged patio furniture to block the walkway to stop them from coming up. Complex manager said they talked to a lawyer but it can be 45 days to evict unless she goes willingly, asked if I would move to another unit or wanted to break my lease. I told them I want neither, I and neighbors are entitled to quiet enjoyment and moving one of us does not solve anything. I suggested they move her to a unit near the office so they can hear the puppy at all hours instead of tenants. They said they would speak with the lawyer again. It feels and sounds to me like they are dragging their feet or hoping those who are most vocal will just leave.

    I spent months to find this apartment and rent pricing has gone up, so costs plus hassle plus rent would increase a lot if I were to move. I love this area, this complex, etc. other than this one tenant. I am exhausted not only by this happening but by my heart breaking every time and by the anxiety of not knowing when I’ll be awoken, when it’ll interrupt work or rest, etc. I genuinely do not know what else I can do though. I already have air conditioning, fans, white noise machine, and sleep apps running during overnights to try to block the noise but it is still loud enough to wake me plus wake my dog and upset him. It’s a combination of the noise disruption and the heartache of hearing this poor dog’s discomfort. (It’s a doodle breed that, according to a vet I called, is known for separation anxiety and never being a breed to be left alone for more than a few hours, so not meant to be an apartment dog or a dog for someone who is gone 12+ hours for work or socializing, so this isn’t like a baby outgrowing a temporary situation, it’s likely permanent.)

    Ideas please!

    2. Omg you can’t be serious. You called a vet? You legit are sounding insane. Take the offer to move, request a partial credit to your rent to offset the costs, stop throwing around “quiet enjoyment” it’s a legal term that has nothing to do with quiet.

      1. she is not insane! I would hate listening to a puppy bark all day. I would be at my wit’s end…

      2. No, she’s not. A barking dog all hours of the day and night? I would be losing it. The neighbor is 100% TA.

    3. If the notice to cure ends today, can you give it one more day for official expiration to see if management makes any moves?

    4. Ask they to pay for your expenses to move to another unit in the same complex if that is available. I think they are right that eviction takes forever. You have to decide if you want to focus on making your own life better or trying to solve the problem for all of your neighbors. If the former, get them to cover costs to move you now. If the latter, buckle in for a long haul.

    5. I’ve read your prior posts and agree with the anxiety that this causes, especially the WFH situation with your boss being unhappy.

      Frankly, if you ask the management for a timeline, and they don’t say “Our lawyer is issuing an eviction letter this week.” then I would move to an open unit, ask them for moving costs and consider yourself lucky, given the increase in rents in the area and how much you like your location. Ask to look at vacant units and maybe you can get one with a better view or a balcony or whatever.

      I think it’s worth it for your peace of mind. You say you don’t want to move units, but you’ve given yourself a lose-lose proposition and you are the one losing piece of mind, play time with your happy dog, and gaining anxiety and headaches and WFH trouble. It may feel like you’re the one losing face or giving in but you will be better off afterwards. Good luck.

      1. +1. An eviction over noise will take ages. It sucks but it really is your best option to move to a different unit.

    6. Unfortunately, I think you’ve outlined your options. I’d keep reporting to the office, etc. DH and I are landlords, and DH is a property manager for other properties. It is expensive and time consuming and overall awful to evict a tenant, even when there’s a good reason for doing so. So, unfortunately, you need to continue to be the squeaky wheel that cannot be ignored and wait out the process, or you need to take them up on the offer to move to another unit (I’d insist on the same rent) or break your lease.

    7. I wouldn’t say they are dragging their feet. It sounds like they might move on an eviction if you pressed it, but you would have to wait out the time that takes. Unfortunately there’s no immediate solution. It sucks that you have such an awful neighbor.

    8. I’m not sure why you think they’re dragging their feet. The time period to cure isn’t even over if it expires today. Most states have an eviction procedure that takes longer than instantaneously, and 45 days sounds about right for a lot of places. You’re going to have to either move to another unit or wait until they evict her if they’re going to do that.

      Also if she’s blocking hallways or stairways to get to her unit, that could be a fire code violation, so I’d report that to the office as well.

      I’m not saying it’s a pleasant or fair situation, but at a certain point, you can’t force other people to take action. And just because the vet you called said that the breed is known for separation anxiety does NOT mean that this particular puppy will be barking forever and ever. I get myself into those types of catastrophizing spirals, so I get it, but maybe recognizing it will help you deal with this in the interim.

        1. I agree! For some reason in my head I decided she had just casually talked to a friend’s girlfriend who’s a vet and they happened to be at dinner together or something because that is way less insane. But calling a vet and blocking access to the hall for neighbors and some other details have grown to such a proportion that I’m starting to wonder about it.

          1. The neighbor who owns the dog is the one who blocked the hall access to stop people from knocking on her door to complain

        3. She says she has a dog so she probably called her vet’s office, I doubt she was randomly calling offices.

      2. Until recently I was an eviction defense attorney (changed jobs to an adjacent area of law) and 45 days sounds absurdly SHORT to me. Then again most tenants facing eviction are unrepresented and so 45 days might be normal.

    9. I think you ask the building management if they will pay moving expenses to move you to another unit (same square footage, same amenities or better) in the same complex, at the same rent you’re currently paying. I empathize with your situation but you’ve done everything you can do to get relief, and relief is apparently not forthcoming. At a certain point, you need to choose peace for yourself over choosing to remain in a situation where you know you are right/justified in finding the conditions unacceptable, but which is driving you crazy. I am sorry it’s come to this and I completely understand not wanting to move, etc. But again – do you want peace? Or do you want to live in chaos? I would choose to move rather than living with the uncertainty that this situation could continue indefinitely/forever.

    11. If you want to post a burner email, I will send you a set of excellent earplugs that you can use while waiting for the perfect unit to open up.

    12. No ideas, sorry, but sympathy.

      I was astounded by this: “When neighbors kept knocking on her door to beg her to stop it, she rearranged patio furniture to block the walkway to stop them from coming up.” She knows it’s a problem and I’d guess she’s likely to give the dog up soon, or at least I hope so.

      I have an oodle who was given up due to separation anxiety and the crying and shaking he does when my husband takes the other dog to the vet is heartbreaking (rare occasions), he’s inconsolable even though I’m here! I can’t imagine listening to it for days.

      1. Anyone looking for some audacity is going to come up short, because OP’s neighbor has it all.

        That poor pup. That’s where I keep landing with this saga.

    13. Can you approach it from another direction? Are you willing to spend some money to try and help the pup? It breaks my heart just reading about the dog (my own doodle is curled up on the couch beside me). He has never been a barker (thankfully because I live in a condo), but he is a bit anxious.

      If you would be willing, buy an Adaptil diffuser and leave it by her door. It’s a plug in diffuser of synthetic dog pheromones. Can reduce anxiety. And/or there is a book by Julie Naismith on training a dog to stay alone. And/or perhaps a snuggle puppy could help.

      I hope you find a suitable resolution.

  14. I have had Lady Jane (1986 movie) on during the day today. Patrick Stewart is in it. And Cary Elwes! And Helena Bonham Carter looks so similar to a younger brunette Reese Witherspoon that I can’t get over it. How did I not notice this before?

  15. I’m looking for a long warm puffer coat that works for a pear shape – I’m a 12 on top and a 16 on bottom. Any suggestions? Just tried a JCrew coat in a size 14 that was loose on the top and tight on the bottom.

    1. I think you have to look for something with an a-line shape. JCrew is very straight, IME.

    2. Some of the longer Land’s End down coats have snaps on the back to let you take in the waist. Surprisingly flattering. North Face also works well for me.

    3. I’m a pear and have good luck with Eddie Bauer that that a double ended zipper. I unzip the bottom few inches on any thigh length or longer jackets.

  16. How can I best support a sibling who is reaching the tipping point for having to confront that our mother will never be the parent that we needed when we were children, nor will she ever become that now, and odds are she will never change? My mother and I are effectively no contact – we may see each other at a holiday here or there (If I attend), but I never her to be near me without witnesses. I haven’t lived with her since I was 13, left the rest of my family entirely at 16, was emancipated by the time I was 17, and have intentionally lived 4 hours away from nearly all family for the entire time since I left (about 6.5 years ago). To say I’ve had more time to come to terms with this than my sister is an understatement.

    While she is technically older, a string abusive relationships, and two children means she’s been more reliant on our family’s support, and has had to put up a lot of mental blocks to avoid seeing how badly they’ve treated her to cope with the situation – but it’s all starting to finally come to a head and I think she may finally be ready to look at them for what they are and cut ties.

    So far, all I’ve been able to do is listen while she talks herself through some of this stuff, and point out things she says that contradict, but I don’t want to do that too much/too often as I know it’s a topic that takes a toll on me as well and I’m not her therapist. I want to get her an iPad to work on digital art, since I figure she’s going to need something to keep her busy while she has to think on all the stuff she’s avoided thinking about over the years, and she’s always enjoyed drawing – plus, it would make it easy for her to segue into selling her art in digital forms (Patreon, Redbubble, livestreaming, logo design, graphics, commissions, etc) if she decides to go that route. But other than that, I’m at a loss. She lives far away and I also have a pretty full plate with my own stuff, so I can’t commit too much – but I feel like if there were ever a point to put in some effort to avoid worse outcomes in the long run, this may be it. Thoughts?

    1. The answer here is therapy. Help her find an affordable therapist.

      The abusive relationships are echoing the bad treatment at the hands of her mother – ask me how I know this.

    2. Help her find the therapist, tell her, “I’ll support you if you decide to cut off contact with Mom, but I can’t listen to this all the time because it is painful for me, too,” and buy her the iPad if you think she really does want it, but not out of a wish for her to have a productive hobby. Let her find her own way.

      1. Coming back to underline my final sentence because I did the math – was 16 years of age 6.5 years ago for you? Let your older sister, who may have endured additional crap from your family you’re not aware of in the intervening years, deal in the way that she needs to deal. She doesn’t have to follow your exact pattern. I understand that you may want to spread the gospel of your family being terrible, but I promise your sister already knows.

    3. I’m getting confused about which person is your mother and which person is your sister in your story, but either way, don’t take this on. Agree with others that you should keep suggesting therapy, and don’t become the default amateur therapist here.

      1. +1 Particularly as your own (understandable) emotional entanglement makes it impossible for you to be objective.

  17. Recently I discovered that Clinique had discontinued my mascara (Glossy). I’m devastated. I’ve used it since the 80s. I used to try other brands when I was in high school, but they made my eyes water like crazy. Has anyone found a good replacement? I don’t want water-proof.

    Luckily I have two more tubes in the cupboard, since I would usually buy a few at a time to get the free gift. I am open to spending some money for something that works. Thank you!

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