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This necklace isn't “on trend,” per se — but I really like it and can see a TON of ways to wear it to work. I can imagine it being worn with a crew-necked blouse in a fun color (like this reader favorite, perhaps), or being used to keep the focus on the face with a V-neck or wider-necked sweater. I could even see it being used to add some fun texture and depth to an all-black outfit.
It's $38 full price at Kohl's, but if you buy one you can get one for 50% off. (Here's a nice on-trend multistrand “gold” necklace from Lauren Conrad's collection.)
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Reposting from morning thread: Friend who is a new mother is moving and I would like to get her something to make the move easier. Looking for recommendations in Frederick Maryland for house clear and meal prep/prepared meal services. Thank you!
Best Coast
As someone who recently gave birth and has other mini-humans at home, might I humbly suggest Door Dash gc in lieu of meal prep service? While homemade meals are nice, there’s still prep, cooking, clean-up involved. We so kindly received a bunch of pre-made meals, but on truly exhausting days- which I imagine she will have while when you add in moving too- just having what you’re craving delivered is the best present ever.
Cat
+1, though DoorDash is not always the best for every geography. Sometimes e.g. UberEats has more restaurants to choose from.
Elegant Giraffe
Any recommendations for a CFP in Dallas? Or advice on how to find one? Our assets are getting big enough that we need some guidance.
Jeffiner
Just posted on morning thread, but Bryce Danley in FW. He can work virtually, so no need to drive over here from Dallas. https://www.ameripriseadvisors.com/bryce.r.danley/
Elegant Giraffe
thank you!
Anonymous
I agree that this necklace is not “on trend”, but I really do like it. Many years ago, I had a similar necklace and it was so versatile. I recently saw a picture of my old necklace and remembered how much I liked it – might need to pick this one up as a replacement.
Ellen
I agree that this necklace is not “on trend”, but I really do like it. Many years ago, I had a similar necklace and it was so versatile. I recently saw a picture of my old necklace and remembered how much I liked it – might need to pick this one up as a replacement.
Anonymous
One of the first things I ever read in this blog was that if you’re wearing black pants, use it as a color throughout your wardrobe, not just as the color of your bottom half. This would be a perfect necklace to wear with a simple black-pants-and-blouse kind of outfit to make it look much more pulled together.
Anon
I have an antique strand of jet beads, probably Victorian Mourning beads (brought back from an antique shop outside London). They are so versatile and I have gotten tons of use out of them over the 20ish years I’ve owned them.
Anonymous
Has anyone been to Paris in mid-Feb? By that time I won’t have traveled in 2 years even domestically and will likely have taken a 3rd shot and may feel ok going esp since France has reasonably strict requirements regarding vaccination for entry into the country and also just to move around in the country. BUT I still don’t think I will want to do a busy season trip when the place is absolutely packed, as I tend to like staying in big hotels, touring indoor things etc. I imagine that starts in spring for Paris as the weather gets more beautiful, so I’m thinking Feb may be the last chance to go without dense crowding unless I want to wait until fall 2022 (avoiding Chinese New Year week on Feb 1 and fashion week Feb 25). Is it going to be too cold and dark though?
FWIW lived in NYC for 10 years and really liked winter – once I was appropriately attired I could be out and about all day and not be cold. Yet I’ve also now lived in DC for 5 years where 50 degrees qualifies as winter. Would you go?
AIMS
I would totally go. The Washington Post just had article about how now (while its still quiet) is an absolutely incredible time to visit Paris and I really am just itching to go (but I have small unvaccinated kids so…). Do it!
Anon
I’ve been in mid-February and it was lovely. The weather was great the whole time I was there and the temperature was probably in the high 50s or low 60s? I’m sure the weather varies that time of year, though. The tourist places are still very crowded; I don’t think there’s an off season for the Louvre, for example. But this was pre-pandemic, so who knows what it would be like now. I recall museums and attractions having timed tickets then, and they were at capacity, but maybe they have fewer tickets now?
Anonymous
I obviously don’t have a definitive list or anything but I feel like the most touristy things I want to do – go up in the Eiffel Tower; go to the top of the Arc de Triomphe (so you’re obv with others in the elevators for both but then outdoors); Sainte-Chapelle; and Notre Dame (so both indoors). Aside from that some shopping – large or small stores; and general wandering about town to see if I can see some cute streets/neighborhoods, get coffee etc. Though I assume outdoor dining won’t be a thing in Feb unless I happen to get super lucky with a mild week when I’m there in which case I foresee at least some/many (though not all) meals being takeout eaten in a hotel room. But I’m probably not 100% comfortable spending hours in a crowded museum so I’d probably skip the Louvre and those kinds of sights altogether on this trip unless covid is magically eradicated between now and then.
Anon
Has Notre Dame reopened to the public? I thought they had only somewhat recently fully stabilized the structure.
Anon
It is not reopening to the public until 2024.
Anon
No — it’s a damp cold that is really cold and I would really want to be outside. I’d likely be a hotel hermit, which really defeats the point of going IMO.
Portugal?
Anonymous
Disagree, I loved Paris when I was in February. It was cold, but PERFECT for museums, walking all day without getting overheated, etc. Crowds were non-existent. I was in the hotel only to sleep. Would 100% do it again.
Anonymous
Yes but OP says she likes winter in NYC – so clearly she understands winter? OP if you haven’t done an NYC winter in a few years it may take you like a day to adjust but then you’ll be fine. I’d go while it’s still quiet – which February is even in non pandemic years. Good to avoid Chinese New Year as that’s a heavy vacation week though I’m unclear how much people from China are traveling on the worldwide tour group vacations (maybe they are but I really don’t know).
Anon
Yeah, it’s not *that* cold.
PolyD
I went to London twice and Paris once in February 2000, 2001, and 2002. At that point I had lived in DC for about 4 years, having moved there from Michigan. I didn’t find it miserably cold at all. I think for one of the trips I was fine with a leather coat with a lining, other trips I had a long wool coat (these were the days before puffers). Key was that these were coats, not jackets – I feel much warmer if my butt and at least the tops of my thighs are covered. Underneath was a long sleeve tee, wool sweater, jeans, and comfy boots.
I found the weather quite delightful – but I prefer cold to hot. I don’t remember it being terribly dark. I also spent Thanksgiving of those years in Europe and I think it was darker in November than February (especially Amsterdam) but still very doable.
It is nice to avoid crowds. I don’t think I’d ever go to Europe in the summer if I could help it, both because of the crowds and also because of not much air-conditioning there, generally speaking.
Anon
I run cold and only like being outdoors if thoroughly bundled up and moving (so no cafe sitting). I think that May or September would be great.
Anonymous
Days before puffers? No. Puffers have existed for many decades. Days before puffers were considered anything but ugly and practical casualwear? Sure.
Ugh
Omg, this is so pedantic and offers nothing to the conversation
Shelle
I wonder if you should also avoid Valentine’s Day in Paris?
Anonymous
Valentine’s Day isn’t important in Europe, as a rule.
Anon
YES to February! I am a Minnesotan and I was in Paris in January many years ago. I thought the weather was fine, and from your NYC experience dealing with damp cold, you have cold weather chops and should be fine as long as you dress appropriately (fleece long underwear is wonderful, puffers are great).
I wouldn’t do it because of covid…but setting that aside, I wouldn’t hesitate a bit about the February aspect.
BeenThatGuy
I went to Paris in mid January many years ago. As an NYC area native, I’d day it was cold and dreary but it was lovely. There were hardly any tourists. As a matter of fact, of the few guided tours we took, we were the only folks there. It was nice to get that one on one attention.
Cat
Depends on why you want to go – for me, lingering outside at cafes is like 70% of the fun…
Anonymous
Yes Omg yes just go. Get good waterproof boots, wear a good coat, enjoy.
Senior Attorney
Not that you asked, but the food tours offered by Paris By Mouth are fantasitc.
Anon
Covid wouldn’t give me pause, but Paris weather is awfully dreary in mid-February (and I live in the Chicago area and am very familiar with real winter). I would try to go for April or May, or at least late March. I doubt Paris will that crowded in spring/summer 2022 at all compared to “normal” times.
Anonymous
I went to Paris in February 2020 and it was divine. Cold and rainy, but with interspersed sunshine.
ProfP
maybe too late, but. I’m in Paris now. Weather is coolish but people are still outdoors in cafes. Vaccination rates are much higher than in the US, especially high in Paris. As you’ve probably read, you have to show a health pass to go into restaurants, museums, etc., and so they really don’t feel scary. People reliably wear masks in the metro, in stores, etc. as required. There’s some European tourists, a few Americans, but no Asian tourists.
Anonymous
Has anyone successfully lost their COVID weight yet? I was up 30 lbs and while I’m trying to lose weight, it’s actually getting worse not better. So unmotivated to go exercise outside as it’s cold and wet, and the gyms are open but not particularly safe (my kids are not vaccinated yet). It would be great to read an inspiring story from someone who has been there and done that in terms of losing the extra weight!
Anon
Yes, but only 2 pounds and that gets me to what previously thought was my line in the sand. So net zero from deciding to lose weight time and still +2 sizes from 2019 fall.
Anonymous
Yes, I’m back in my pre-covid clothes! I gained 12 lbs.
To get it off, I:
1 Bought a few pieces of clothing that fit (black pants, one pair jeans, a new bra – I had a handful of boxy tops that still fit)
2 gave myself permission to take time to get the weight off and if it stayed I would make peace with it/ get rid of clothes
3 focused on food. Calorie counting doesn’t work for me, so I made a rude that half my food volume had to be veggies every meal. Including breakfast. Not “veggies covered in ranch” (Midwestern here) but plain or fairly plain veggies. I ended up naturally cutting most desserts and lost habits/cravings (helped that I purged the house of my habit junk foods)
Good luck!
Anon
Those rude veggies ; )
Anonymous
I did!! I gained somewhere between 20 and 30 lbs (it’s hard to tell because my kid turned 1 in Jan 2020 so I had baby weight + COVID weight going on there). I finally got so sick of it I did weight watchers for 7 months and lost it all by Feb 2021. I gained about 10lbs back and then started paying closer attention/eating better and am down to just 5 lbs up.
good luck!
Daffodil
Me! I’m down 20 lbs. I got into a routine of getting on my peloton at least a few times a week. When I didn’t feel like working out, I’d do a short low impact ride: Sometimes that got me to do more biking or strength workouts, sometimes no- but I made sure to get in for at least 10min.
Food wise, I stopped snacking and made a conscious effort to eat less of fatty/high calorie food. I have a really hard time cutting out certain foods all together, so instead of saying no pizza, for example, I’ll have the pizza, eat half what I used to, and supplement with a salad.
Ellen
I am still about 5 pounds over what I was prepandemic, but it has been difficult for me b/c my tuchus is still big.
anon
Yes, and then some. I quit drinking alcohol almost a year ago and I go to OrangeTheory four days a week. It’s pricey and I love it, which is motivation enough for me!
anon
Nope, haven’t lost it all yet. And I feel pretty terrible about it, yet I’m also not making much of an effort after losing about 10 lbs. this spring. I already work out and trying to restrict food intake ends up being a total mindf-ck for me.
Anon
I lost it (7 pounds or so), gained most of it back, will probably lose it again if I get motivated
Anon
Yes. I gained ~ 25 pounds. Started eating worse than normal and gained a few pounds through the first few months, then messed my knee up, and couldn’t run, and gained the rest. I finally fully recovered from my knee surgery and was able to run again and have lost ~ 25 pounds since the end of May. I know the running has very little to do with the weight loss, my diet is much healthier when I am active.
Anon
Weight loss is much more about diet than exercise.
AnonMom
I lost 15 pounds last spring from stress over everything. Put it back on over the winter, then this spring started walking daily, moving more throughout the day, snacking healthier (either smaller portions or healthier options), and recently started jogging. I’m now down 20 pounds and overall feel so much better. My clothes fit better, I have more stamina to do things, and while I am certainly one to splurge fairly often, I find I’m motivated to do so in moderation and on a limited basis. I no longer feel like I’m missing out.
You can do this!
Anon
I gained about 15 pounds and am still gaining about a pound a month or so. I was slender to begin with so I don’t think I’m technically overweight but I will be soon and I hate how I look and feel. I walk 3-5 miles every day at a very brisk pace which is a big increase from my pre-Covid exercise levels, but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything. I don’t know what’s going on – maybe just my metabolism slowing down in my late 30s? Or stress hormones from the pandemic/lack of sleep? It’s very frustrating, I’ve always been “naturally thin” and now I’m definitely not. I hope you have good luck getting it to come off.
Anonymous
This is where I’m at, too, if it makes you feel better. I think a lot of it may be more the late 30s thing, though I probably need to add in more weight training and see if it helps any (though I am reluctant to spend much time to the gym since everyone there seems to be taking our town’s mask mandate as a loose suggestion. Cardio I can do on my own outside).
Anon
Thanks, it’s good to hear others in the same boat at least. Yeah I live in one of the five least vaccinated states in the US and no one here wears masks, so going to the gym is not an option for me until my kids are fully vaccinated. I probably need to adjust my diet but I’ve been eating basically whatever I want for 37 years without any consequences and it’s a hard mindset shift. Intermittent fasting has helped me plateau but not lose. I weigh more now than I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my now 3 year old, which is just so demoralizing.
nail biting?
Hi – I’ve tried to quit biting my nails so many times and in so many ways. Nothing’s stuck. Does anyone who has done it after decades of this bad habit have advice? Thanks!
Anonymous
I had a change last year because of covid – with all the hand sanitizer, hand washing and spring 2020 uncertainty, I did NOT want my fingers in my mouth and stopped and became repulsed by possibly eating covid (yes, yes, so silly and anxious blah blah blah).
Along with bothering to file nails, and using hand cream (because of all the hand washing) my nails were suddenly long!
anon in brooklyn
The only thing that works for me is for my nails to be short, filed very smooth, and painted at all times.
Anonymous
Same – filed so there are no sharp edges I feel like biting off, and always painted.
anon
+1. I still tend to pick at my cuticles and for this I have to keep my hands moisturized at all times and literally sit on them when I am bored.
anon
+3. The only times in my life I have not picked at my nails/cuticles is when I was giving myself manicures every week
Anonymous
100%.
Struggle Comrade
I am currently in the struggle and my *most successful* effort to date has been to use Kiss/Impress stick on nails.
two fold – the nails look nice and provide a pretty good coverup for how bad my nails/fingers. also, the physical barrier of the fakie nail on mine is *just* enough to stop me from biting/picking. I’m hoping to get to a place where my nails/skin look so good that I can drop the crutches and sheer willpower stop the bad habit.
Anon
I was able to quit this year after 20+ years of biting.. I got gel-x manicures for 3 months (hard enough to prevent biting or picking), then regular gel manicures a few times after that. After that, the urge had dulled enough to avoid it as long as I kept my nails trimmed and free from snags. Currently have not bitten my nails in over 6 months!
Anon
The only thing that worked for me was addressing the anxiety that made me bite my nails as a coping habit. Once I did that, the urge to bite disappeared practically overnight. It was remarkable.
Trixie
Me too. Six months into therapy, no more nail biting, with no effort.
Ses
Keep nail files all over the house, and any time you start to bite, pick up the file instead. Even if you don’t need to file, it starts to retrain your brain.
I also did a weird thing where I would work on not biting particular nails. My pointer nails grow fastest, so I would just work on not biting those at first. It encouraged me to have a couple nice “normal” looking nails.
It’s still a hard habit to manage and I don’t think I fully broke it.
Ses
Oh, and I actually find painting them makes it worse. It’s more stuff to pick at when it’s not perfect. Instead I find that nail and cuticle oil are effective.
Anon
Not sure this counts as decades, but I stopped biting them as a teenager by trimming them very short and immediately filing or trimming any snags or hangnails. As long as I do that, I’m not at all tempted.
Sybil
Would the bad-tasting nail polish help? My daughter was a finger-sucker and the nail polish cured it over a weekend.
Anon
This necklace reads very early 2010s to me, and I’m here for it. Loved the look then and just waiting for it to come back around to popularity (only a matter of time as we’re back to the 90s now!). But honestly, I wear what I like and what looks good on me, so this necklace is really tempting me!
Anon
After this morning, I am really not sure how boots are supposed to look this year. [Other than “bad.”] My grandmother had heeled boots she wore with gauchos. Time to raid her closet?
Yes or no on these:
Kate Middleton-type Aquitalia Rhumba boots (heeled, high shaft)
OTK boots (too pirate? or on point for 2021?)
heeled almond toe booties
Uggs
Tall Hunter boots
Cowboy boots
Doc Martens (too punk?)
Something like a Frye moto / harness boot
People are still wearing “not pajamas” to my casual office. Women now wearing longer flowy dresses or cropped pants with white sneakers (one more week and it will be too cold tho).
Also, are people wearing boot-cut jeans? Or it that just another thing shown in stores that no one actually wears?
Anon
I think the boot trend this year is lug soles.
Anon
I currently don’t understand both boots and pants. So, will be wearing dresses but not with heels; I have some black boots in various styles that I’m going to try to see what I hate least of things I can wear for free from what is in my closet.
Anonymous
See I never figured out the mid-calf boot with dress look — so that would be off for me too.
Anon
Booties but not heeled.
Anonymous
Doc Martens are on trend this season.
Cat
Duchess-esque – timeless, not trendy but not out unless you’re talking a giant platform, fine to wear to work with sheath or pencil skirt
OTK – too costumey for me at all times even when trendy
Heeled booties – would wear under bootcut pants only, with pants hemmed for the heel height
Uggs – never good looking, always acceptable for cold weather mucking about like walking the dog
Tall Hunters – timeless
Cowboy boots – you need to be in a very specific geography and personality to pull off, so no
Doc Martens – trendy (combat boots are building on last year’s popularity; they are the most “current” casual boot look)
Frye – they were at peak saturation a decade or so ago
I’ve introduced bootcut jeans back into my rotation, but still wear skinnies probably 2/3 of the time.
Anonymous
Yes or no on these:
Kate Middleton-type Aquitalia Rhumba boots – dated, but fine if it works with your wardrobe.
OTK boots – no (unless you wear a costume for work, like a pirate, stripper etc)
heeled almond toe booties – dated
Uggs – dated, but fine if it’s temperature appropriate.
Tall Hunter boots – the Wellington’s? fine in the rain, but oh so dull. Or do you mean hunter’s or riding boots? both dated and classic, depends on what you wear them with. Less dated than the Kate M ones.
Cowboy boots – are you a cowboy? yes. Not a cowboy, no.
Doc Martens – fine, if they work with your wardrobe.
Something like a Frye moto / harness boot. Frye moto would be more dated than the almond booties, IMO. Harness – do you ride a motor cycle? sure, otherwise no.
Heh. I still like Chelsea boots fine. Of the list above, I think riding boots are the most classic, and harness or Docs as the second least dated.
White sneakers with a formal suit is fine where I live.
Anon
I have what I thought were classic black riding style boots. Almond-ish toe, low heel, no laces, side zip. I realize we are no longer wearing boots over skinnies (the Han Solo look) but I didn’t do that anyway. I wore them with skirts/dresses and tights when it was snowing or raining. I am not giving up on the boots but I’ve all but given up on dresses…..
sfchic
Do you live somewhere with weather? Fall/rainy cool/winter? If so, your boots will always be timeless. But yes, save the boots over jeans/pants unless you are riding something….
anon
‘Rette runners, what are the advantages of using Strava instead of the Fitbit app? I really have no interest in the social media aspect of logging my runs.
Anon
No advantage. Use whatever you’re most comfortable with (or a notebook or nothing at all).
Anon
Can’t compare with the fitbit app but I like runkeeper. There’s an option to add friends but it’s a minor aspect of the app. I felt weirdly unsafe about strava after I noticed that a bunch of people I knew from work immediately added me as soon as I joined.
anon
That’s exactly what I want to avoid.
anon
Probably nothing if you are happy with how the FitNit app tracks it
Anonymous
How important is it to accept firm leadership roles? My 50-lawyer firm has a dozen committees. (All unpaid). After a frustrating year of little to no progress on my assigned committee, I want to take a year off of all committees. FWIW, I am a junior equity partner. I know this will surprise some people at the firm but I don’t think anyone will “punish” me for it. Do clients actually care about internal stuff like this?
anon
I am in-house and manage outside counsel and I don’t ever look to see what committees you serve on.
Cat
+1
It’s way more important for internal politics than it is for clients.
Anonymous
+1. It literally never occurred to me that clients cared. My other partners care and expect it though, and since they control my comp, I do it.
Anon
Is there any consequences for being on an unproductive committee? If not, can you just be on the committee but do bare minimum and try not to care if it’s run well or effective? That is the path of less resistance than dropping altogether (and is probably what many male lawyers do).
Anon
I’m looking for a classic button-up white shirt in a boyfriend fit (so, not fitted) and in oxford cloth (that casual men’s fabric, so no wrinkle free poplin). I can’t seem to find one. I have one from J.Crew from a few years ago, but it’s another casualty of COVID weight gain. I’ve tried ordering a few men’s shirts seeking the actual boyfriend fit, but the proportions have been off. Any recs?
Best Coast
Lands End Oxford shirt. Comes in white, blue, and blue.
Best Coast
Sorry, that should also say “women’s.” I find Lands End is often generously cut and boxy, so the women’s shirt should fit like a boyfriend shirt but with a bit more femininity.
Anon
The shirt is called an oxford but the description calls it broadcloth
Cat
Maybe try the JCrew men’s untucked line? There’s a wh-te oxford there.
Anon
I don’t know your size, but a boys’ size 20 should fit at least a women’s size 8 or 10 (or larger? depending on the brand) and will be shorter than a man’s shirt. Kohl’s is the kind of store that would carry this.
Curious
Can I just congratulate us on having a normal conversation about a button up top? It’s the small things…
Anon
Grayson
Anonymous
I’m 32 dating a 48 year old. I posted here a couple times for advice (and got great feedback!) and admit the issue is still on my mind. He’s more active than I am, and his dad is more fit at 70 than I am now. But the caretaker issue is still a very real future issue. He is well set financially – although if you haven’t actually seen a P&L I’d seriously think about it, because a lot of people you think are loaded have massive debt. I have stayed in the relationship because I don’t want kids, he’s very respectful, is a way better boyfriend than a 25 year old — he calls, he values me and shows it, he adapts, he runs his own household, he isn’t a slob, he has money to buy dinner and doesn’t lash out if I pick up a tab or have to cancel a date due to work. But. He’s older than my oldest sibling, which is a thought that grossed me out. He loves me even though I am still not all in, and I wish there were easier answers. Also…He was honest with his age from the first two weeks we met – I would’ve guessed he is 40, not 48. I think part of what helps is I don’t really date and have never pictured myself in a relationship, so the idea of us breaking up or me being single from 55+ is not one that changes my vision of my life. The s** is fine – again, he’s respectful, listens, is a giving person – but nothing like lusty trysts from post college aged people, either.
Last thing – this is worth talking through with a therapist. Holidays are coming up. Do you want him by your side? Meeting your parents or older/younger family and friends if applicable? If not – let him go, and give both of you the chance to find love with someone you can match life stages with.
Anonymous
Does anyone use magnetic lashes / liner? What brand is the easiest and best for sensitive eyes? Any risk? Thanks!
Anon
I had a severe allergic reaction to lash extensions recently, so once I recovered I tried out Glamnetic lashes and I really liked them. I didn’t have any reactions (wore them a few times). The only thing is that the corner of one of the lashes came detached after a couple hours, but after re-reading the directions I think I need to wait for the liner to dry more before I put them on. I think you should give them a try. I have the “Lucky” style, and just ordered a second style to try but it hasn’t come in yet. I ordered mine through Sephora.
Anon for this
How much of an age gap is too much? I started dating someone without asking how old he is and I’ve just found out that he is 30 years older. I would have guessed 15, maybe 20?
We’re really happy and have a great relationship but this also seems like…a lot.
Any ‘rettes with experience to share? Or guidance? (FWIW, we’ve both been married before and all of our kids are grown or nearly grown so that is not a factor)
Anon
If you’re old enough to have a 20ish kid, I’m not going to say too much of a gap. BUT he’s out of the warranty period, no? He is holding up well, all scheduled maintenance, etc.? My spouse is only a few years older, but not well-maintained and not the best genes for significant health things and it’s already affecting how we spend our free time together and other things that you don’t have to deal with in your 20s when you’re happy no one has vomited on your new shoes. So maybe how do things like that look, mutually?
Anon for this
Haha yes, is is holding up well and then some, which is why I didn’t realize it was such a big gap initially
anne-on
I think the salient point that a lot of people have made on these threads before is that there will be a mismatch in terms of health and abilities relatively soon. Yes, people age differently, health is never a given, but with all things being equal, a 40 year old has a lot more years of relatively good health than a 70 year old. I just wouldn’t want to trade my early retirement ‘fun’ years late 50’s early 60’s for being a caregiver to a late 80’s early 90s partner, sorry.
Anon for this
This is what’s nagging at me a bit. Thanks
Anon
Yeah, this. I’ve been a caregiver for multiple parents (bio and step) and I am just done. I’d only date younger from this point on, because I’m not emotionally or physically able to give any more.
NYCer
+1. This would be way too big of a gap for me for this reason alone.
Senior Attorney
My next door neighbors have a similar age gap and she’s 65 and he’s 95 and she has been a nurse/caretaker for many years now. She loves him, of course, but they never go anywhere together and she seldom goes anywhere by herself even. Is that what you want? It’d be one thing if you were 25 and he was 55 and you could look forward to a good number of good, active years (although that has its own ick factor) but I’m guessing you’re closer to 40 and 70 so… do the math.
Anon for this
That is what I’m weighing…. Cut my losses now on what is otherwise a great relationship or accept that there will be a lot of potential challenges in 10ish years.
Anon for this
It’s hard to weigh the good of now versus the challenges of later. We are very happy. We had great conversations, love to travel together, and are generally on the same page about all the things that matter. He’s a great dad to his children (who he raised as a single dad) and generally just a great person. Even the menial tasks like going to Costco are enjoyable together.
But obviously most of that becomes harder/different as he gets older.
Anon
If/when I am 70 and single, I too will aspire to find a 40 year old cutie to be my helpmate/future caregiver!
Anonymous
He knew though I’m sure. This man was well aware there was a massive gap and didn’t tell you.
Anon
Yes, that’s deception and that bothers me for OP
Senior Attorney
Yes this is kind of a red flag for me, too.
sfchic
+1
My first thought when I read the OP was… what the heck?
Anon
I’d cut my losses. You’re signing up to give up years-to-decades of your best years as a nursemaid. No thanks.
No Face
I would cut your losses now. 30 years is just too big of gap.
Anonymous
So, you’re at least 40 and he is 70? Absolutely not you’ll waste prime years playing nursemaid. How did it just now come up?
Anonymous
I’m also really baffled about how you mistook a 70-something (?) year old man for 20 years younger than his actual age. Even very well preserved 70-something celeb men like Harrison Ford and Richard Gere do not look 50.
Anonymous
It sounds like you are considering a long-term relationship with this man. Quick math leads me to ask – How soon do you want to be a caretaker? Widow? Homebody? Someone who eats dinner at 4:00? Before meeting him, did you want your parents and their friends to be your social group?
Anon
There’s no one right way to have a relationship. Mine is similar in the size of the gap and it is what it is. We get along ridiculously well despite the difference in our ages. As with all relationships, talk to each other about things as they come up. Life and does change in the blink of an eye, no matter what each of your ages are, so make the most of what you have with your person.
Anon
Unless you would rather 10 years with him than 40 years with anyone else, cut your losses and move on.
Please do not read this as anti-feminist: there’s a reason that women usually only go for this deal when money is no object, usually, when he’s completely loaded. Hold the flames, here’s the explanation:
Professional people time their retirements so that their money outlives them. If a couple retires at 65 and expects to live until 90, their joint retirement needs to last another 25 years. What they are not trying to do is have enough money to last another 50 years, which is what you need to have happen if there is a massive age gap.
Sure, I guess you could work, hitting it out the park professionally while your love slowly declines. You could spend the last months of their life – not because they got cancer and died young – flying between cities and going to meetings, instead of enjoying each other’s company.
If that doesn’t sound appealing, then you need to be able to retire like, right now. You also need to be confident that your shared resources could take him through a long nursing home illness with money left over. Sure, there’s always the risk that one spouse’s illness can wipe the family out, but it’s less miserable – not fun, just less miserable – if you only have a few years left yourself.
Senior Attorney
Great point about the mismatched retirement age thing. My husband is 11 years older than I am and he’s still working and plans to hang in there until he’s 76 because I’m retiring at 65 (government pension is much bigger at 65 than at younger ages). For him it’s less for financial reasons than because he doesn’t want to be sitting at home all day by himself. Conversely, I would probably hang in there a few years longer and beef up my pension a little more if he were closer in age to me.
OP, if your guy is stupidly loaded, that might change my take. If you can afford to have great care, and especially can leave him with a caretaker and be out an about in your later years, that would make things easier.
Anon for this
He is stupidly loaded. I’m quite comfortable. So finances, at least, aren’t an issue.
Senior Attorney
Okay so then the issue becomes just doing “you things on your own while he stays home with the nurse” rather than “you stuck being a caretaker during the prime of life.” Would that work for you? For him? I think if you are thinking about a long term relationship this needs to be talked about in detail, in advance.
Although people’s feelings change when the time comes. My mom always said “put me in a home and throw away the key” until the time came, and then she changed her tune in a big way.
Anon
This changes my opinion too. “Stupidly loaded” means you won’t be nursing him; you’ll have help to do that. It does mean you’ll be doing a lot by yourself (in terms of travel, going out, etc.); does that matter? End of the day, life is short and none of us have any idea about what day our time’s going to be up. Maybe 10 good years with this guy is better than 30 mediocre years with someone else?
We dissect a lot of relationships on here and what I always wonder about is, how strong is the connection between the people who are in the relationship? To me the strength of the connection heavily influences what hurdles someone should be willing to overcome. Because there’s a difference between a “my partner is a nice person and I think we could be average-happy together long-term” and “this is my soul mate; this person understands me like no one else ever has; I have never felt like this with anyone else and if I leave this person I would have to accept that maybe I have walked away from once-in-a-lifetime love.” The latter is how I felt (and still feel) about my husband. I dated plenty of guys who into the first category. My husband and I have some demographic and lifestyle differences that would be hard to navigate if we weren’t crazy about each other. But we are crazy about each other, and so we have been able to figure things out. I wouldn’t put up with a 30-year age gap, a crazy ex-wife, multiple children from previous marriages, or a long-distance relationship if I had affectionate-to-benevolent feelings for someone. I might, if I felt like they were the love of my life.
Anon
822 nailed it.
Anon for this
For the record, love of my life. Stupidly. Unreasonably. Inexplicably.
Anon
You’d be nuts to throw away the love of your life on the opinion of some strangers on the internet. Go live happily ever after with your person!
Anonymous
My grandparents have a 20 year age gap (so smaller than yours) but it’s been really tough on my grandma she’s a fit 75 and wants to go out and live life but my 95 year old grandpa is not healthy enough to leave the house often.
anon
Same, but in-laws. 65 and 85, and it’s terrible for my MIL. She’s basically housebound and can’t travel at all.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t build a life with him no matter how great. Sorry. I mean when you’re 50-55, that’s usually when you have the money, career flexibility, and kid flexibility (if you have any) to be like – hey let’s go to Paris next month, tickets are cheap. And that’s when your 80-85 year old spouse likely won’t be up for it because it’s too strenuous, too much walking, or he’ll become one of those older men who is nervous about every little thing (or angry about every little thing) – like going to the airport and flight delays. Does this seem fun for you?
I know everyone here constantly comes up with examples of – my 75 year old dad is still a cardiologist working 70 hours a week and then running 25 miles on the weekend. But the reality is for every 1 guy like that, there are 99 who are NOT. After age 70-75, there is a LOT of sitting home/sitting on the couch not wanting to go anywhere beyond the same places in their own town that they’re comfortable with and generally speaking there is a LOT of anxiety at being out of their routine at all, whether that is waking up an hour earlier than normal or going to the airport. I mean I’ve seen women 6-10 years younger get frustrated with this, I can only imagine being 30 years younger and wanting to live life!?
Anon
Yes to this. I also feel like men generally age faster than women in that regard. My dad is only 2 years older than my mom but she’s already getting frustrated with his unenthusiastic attitude about traveling (they’re 69 and 71). If she were 30 years younger than him, she would have had to cut way back on traveling (with her partner, at least) when she’d barely turned 40.
Anonymous
You could be his child. Gross.
anon
This, too.
anon
30 years is a lot. The inevitable caretaking will turn this into more of a parental relationship at some point, IMO.
Anon
I think I’m on the low end of this but 10 years would be about my limit, and I’d prefer <5. I haven't dated far outside my age range (my husband is precisely eight days older than me, lol) but from seeing aging parents and grandparents, there's an enormous difference between 70 and 80 years old on average. I won't say there's no 80 year old earth who's mentally sharp and physically active, up for traveling, etc. but it's pretty damn rare. I want to spend my 60s and hopefully well into my 70s traveling and being active, and I can't imagine giving that up to stay home with an 80-something before I even turn 70.
Being with someone 30 years older is unfathomable to me, even in mid-life, but I agree the age difference matters a lot more as you get older. 50 and 60 is basically the exact same stage of life. By 70 and 80 the difference feels much larger.
Anon for this
Thanks, all. I appreciate all the viewpoints. I have some hard choices to make, sadly.
Anonymous
It’s really not all that hard if you stop thinking about now – travel and Costco runs being fun – and start thinking about 10 years from now when you may not be traveling if he’s not and ALL the Costco runs, grocery runs, errand running and household stuff will be on you and you’ll be resentful (unless he is so super loaded that you’ll have multiple housekeepers yet I feel like if that were true, you would have mentioned it).
Anon
Do stupidly loaded people even do grocery runs?
Anon
My general rule – if it is biologically possible for them to my your parent (or your child) the gap is too big.
Anon
I agree that’s a good rule of thumb.
Anon
be, not my
Anon for this
But that could be a 16 year (or even less gap) really. Lots of my friends are happily married with a 17-20 year age difference. I just think nearly 30 years may be too much.
Anon
How old are your friends? I don’t think anyone is suggesting a 45 year old and a 65 year old can’t be blissfully happy. The problem is what happens when the spry 65 year old who’s about to embark on an active retirement finds herself the caregiver of an 85 year old man. Because age differences are amplified towards the end of life, the biological age difference of 12-15 years feels right to me if you view it is a permanent relationship. If you just want to have fun with an older guy in middle age, go right ahead.
Anonymous
That is a lot, especially when you are 50 and he’s 80.
Anonymous
That is a lot, especially when you are 50 and he’s 80.
Anon for this
Neither of us really knew exactly how old the other person was. And I’m terrible at telling age. Plus he has aged well, stayed fit, etc. So until it came up, it wasn’t given much though.
Anon
Honestly I would only do it if he were rich. You can retire now, do all sorts of fun things for the next 10 or so years (hopefully), and when he gets old/sick you don’t have to be a full time carer because he can afford to hire nurses.
Senior Attorney
And if you do retire in reliance on his money, he should marry you or otherwise compensate you for your lost earnings.
Anon
I think you’re really minimizing the impact caregiving has on affluent people. All my grandparents were wealthy people who paid for their own nursing homes and home care aides. It was still an enormous emotional and logistical burden on my parents. Yes, having money is certainly better than the alternative, but the odds she will have a “normal” 50- or 60-something life more when she has an 80-90 year old spouse at home or in a nursing home are close to zero.
Senior Attorney
Not to mention the fact that OP may or may not see eye-to-eye with her beau’s children over his care.
Anon
Yes that too.
Anon
If I were OP, would worry about this a lot. I do not want to spend some of my best years wrangling with my partner/spouse’s children (who in this scenario, are likely close to OP’s age or may be older than her) about my partner/spouse’s care, or their money. I agree with you, SA, that if OP pursues the relationship there needs to be a real-deal marriage with a prenup, or comprehensive paperwork outlining what the care responsibilities are and how the money gets divvied up, especially since the older guy is “stupidly loaded.” Even with that in place, I think it’s likely his children will see the OP as a shameless gold-digger and I would anticipate some less-than-pleasant comments, interactions, conflicts, etc. as the partner ages and needs care.
Anon for this
It’s probably late for anyone to see this response, but I do appreciate all the input.
His children love me and they see how happy he is and how different this is from his prior perfectly-good-but-not-this relationships. And marriage is absolutely what he wants, which is why I am thinking so hard about all of this.
It happened unexpectedly for both of us but now it’s where we are. We are both surprised at how strongly we feel about each other, in a lucky, grateful, complicated kind of way.
Senior Attorney
OP, coming back to say if he is really “stupidly loaded” (by which I mean ten figures minimum) and he will marry you and do an ironclad prenup that you are pretty sure the children won’t challenge, then I say go for it!
Senior Attorney
Oops eight figures.
Anon
Plus loss of intimacy is a big issue for spouses that adult children don’t have to deal with. Plenty of 60 year old women would like to have a more active sex life then the average 90 year old man can provide. I mean, I guess you can pull an Alfred Molina and start seriously dating someone else while your much older spouse wastes away in the nursing home, but a lot of people balk at that (funny how far more women than men have much older partners but we basically never hear about a woman doing that, only men…off topic, I know).
Anonymous
And her parents are presumably around the same age as her husband so she will be going through their deterioration and death around the same time she goes through his. It will be a lot of care-giving for one person to handle all at once, and many will help but won’t make it easy.
Anonymous
*money will help
Ellen
30 sounds like a lot, which means he was 40 when you were 10. I take it you don’t really like regular sex, b/c if you do, your drive will go on long after his winkie stops working that way. You could be OK with that, but I want my husband to be EVA-READY for s-x when I need it.
Anon
I’m 9 years younger than my husband. He just retired and I need to work more years even to retire early. It’s tough already – 30 years would be impossible. I can already see how my husband is getting crankier and older while I’m still having to work and basically we are slowing down at different rates….
I would like to be able to retire with my husband but I’m not ready yet – financially, maybe, but I still need the mental stimulation. I don’t know how many good years we have left before one of us becomes a caretaker – obviously it could be either of us because randomness happens, but statistically it’s more likely to be me as the caretaker. 30 years age difference, it’s almost certainly you.
Anonymous
Agreed, I’m 8 years younger than my husband. When we got together at 37 and 45 (second marriage for both) we both had school age kids at home, mine only slightly younger than his youngest, and the age difference seemed basically irrelevant. But as we get closer to retirement, it feels like a much bigger issue that he’ll be retirement age almost a decade before I am. I can’t even imagine being married to a man three decades older!
Anon
I am in a relationship with a woman where we have a sixteen year age difference. I’m the younger one. We got involved when I was in my late 30s, and we have been together (now married) about 22 years. I wish the age difference wasn’t as much…but as someone else said, it is what it is and I want this relationship even given the age difference. We’re a good match. I can see that I am slowly sliding towards caretaking – she has some arthritis and mobility issues. I hike a lot and do it without her. I sometimes travel without her. When we take couples vacations we do stuff that works for both of us, and then I may split off to do something she can’t. I am transitioning to retirement earlier than I otherwise would have, but we hav enough money to make that work.
I would do it over again because this relationship is worth it, though I would also say that thirty years is a lot. If you’re wide-eyed about what it likely means as you both age, I think it’s do-able with a very strong relationship. It helps that he has money, as others have said, because you won’t wait until the traditional age to retire and need resources to do that.
Wheels
Just to throw in another perspective: I’m younger than my husband and was healthy with a long life expectancy. I expected to outlive him. Things happened and he’s now my carer.
Life is short. Accidents and illness happen. If you have doubts, don’t ignore them but don’t worry too much about the age gap.
Anon
I mean there are always exceptions but statistically if one of them is a caregiver the odds are around 99% it will be her. Women already outlive men to begin with, and 30 years is an enormous gap – it’s almost half the human life expectancy. To me this comment is like justifying marrying a bank robber by saying “any man could rob a bank!” It’s not wrong to consider statistics and what will likely happen in her future, and statistically if there’s a caregiver in their relationship it will be her.
Bike Q
Trying to find an infant seat that will fit my bike (Cannondale Adventure Women’s 3). Google is turning up nothing. Are there special bike forums where people know these things!?
Anon
This is really one for your local bike shop. That’s a pretty common, simply designed bike, so you should have some options. Don’t forget a helmet for your little one.
Cb
We have a Topeak which fits on my Dutch bike and on my husbands mountain bike, with their very cool slide on system. There were a few different attachment options so maybe that would work? I highly recommend it, it’s so easy to transfer between bikes or swap out for panniers or baskets.
Anonymous
Have you checked HamaxUSA and the Hamax Caress? Their seats can be put on the part of the frame under the seat – not the seat pole, but closer to mid wheel in height. Has won several European safety tests.
They are not for very young infants, the child needs to be old enough to lift it’s own head.
Cat
I’d go to your local bike shop. There may be adapters or ways to attach seats that the pros know about – like I needed adapters (and someone who could bend them) to attach a Topeak rack to mine.
Anonymous
So the comment this morning about someone sleeping in their office got me wondering — what is happening now or what will happen in the relatively near future when workplaces start calling people back to the office and they have relocated? I know some employers are all remote/all the time now, but hybrid seems to be even more common, which would seem to require people to live somewhat close still. Any anecdata?
Cat
They are being given a generous amount of time to keep working remotely while looking for a new job.
Anon
My employer told everyone we were permanently remote in 2020. A man who has the same job title as me moved his family out of state. I stayed local. Now I’m being told that I have to show up in the office occasionally, but he doesn’t because “he’s a remote employee.” I’m probably going to reach out to a lawyer to see if I have a possible sex discrimination claim. So that’s my piece of anecdata.
Anonymous
Idk but so many of my colleagues bought in the burbs over an hour from the office and are so outraged about the prospect of returning to the office. I’m not sure what they expected to happen when our whole organization was repeated told WFH was temporary and only hybrid options will be available. So now only hybrid options are available *shocked Pikachu*.
anon
There seems to be some shadenfraude with this topic, and I’m not sure why. I’m sure some hybrid employees wish they were fully WFH forever like I am while I wish I had a hybrid arrangement available. There’s going to be a lot of mismatched people in suboptimal work arrangements and it will take a while for it all to shake out. But since you asked, a colleague who was expected to be hybrid had moved hours from the office and our supervisor is making it work. Everyone involved is just trying to be reasonable.
Anonymous
Agreed on the schadenfreude. People relying on what their employers told them is not unreasonable.
anon
Posting here since the moms’ board skews young, but does anyone have any words of hope or wisdom for parenting a child who is struggling with their mental health? DS (tween age) is struggling with anxiety and has had three panic attacks in the last 6 months. We’ve already talked to the pediatrician, who is referring us to a psychiatrist to figure out whether medication is the right answer (answer: based on the severity of his anxiety, probably yes). He already sees a therapist for learning differences and she’s working with him on the anxiety piece, too. I am really having a hard time accepting that he’s having mental health issues this early in life. I hate that he’s hurting and want to give him whatever help he needs. He’s just SO YOUNG, and I feel like this is somehow my fault. He also has developed a ton of health-related anxiety during this #&*(#& pandemic. Despite having good grades, he also puts a ton of pressure on himself to succeed. I swear to you that DH and I are not pressuring him whatsoever about school because, frankly, we’ve never had to!
Unfortunately, I do think there’s a genetic component at play here. I take an SSRI and have no plans to stop. So, no shame in getting help for better mental health. My real worry is that if he’s experiencing it now, as a young tween/teen, how much worse will it get?! I’m probably catastrophizing, but it is a concern. DH hasn’t been anxious a day in his life, so while he believes DS worries more than the average kid, he also doesn’t get it on a deep level.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t put him on meds. He’ll control his worrying when he realizes there’s no pill coming. What deep worries does a 13 year old in an upper middle class life even have?
Curious
Ha.
anon
OP here, and this is unnecessarily cruel. You really don’t get how anxiety works, do you.
Senior Attorney
Why are you so mean, Anonymous at 4:42 p.m.? Good grief. I had crippling anxiety as a child in the 1960s when nobody even knew what anxiety was or that kids could have it, and I can still remember how awful it was. And yes, I was middle class and that didn’t protect me one bit.
Seventh Sister
Well, if you were me, the two deep worries were: a highly critical parent prone to passive aggressiveness and a highly critical parent who screamed all the time about every mistake and non-mistake.
Anon
See, I had the parent who screamed all the time and the parent who sat silently, doing nothing to keep the other parent in check. Fun times. I definitely had anxiety at 13; I tried to commit suicide at 15 because I literally couldn’t imagine trying to live in that house, in the middle of all that chaos, until I graduated from high school. Fortunately, my attempt didn’t work. I left home at 17 and never went back.
go for it
That is beyond mean. uggh. clearly you do not have a clue! OP ignore the haters!
Trixie
This is really naive of you, and a bit mean! Anxiety is not reality based, and is a mental health issue. Jeez, I’d hate to turn to you when I had troubles.
Anonymous
Who hurt you?
Sarah
I’m not a parent, so this is the childs perspective. It’s great that you are taking this seriously and getting help. Yes of course its unfortunate, but don’t treat it differently from another medical condition. It would be hard if he developed any health condition – a mental health issue is not better or worse. So don’t put your anxiety about his anxiety on him. I don’t think you’re pressuring him, and you’re doing everything to help him, but don’t coddle him too much. I always felt badly when my parents were anxious about my anxiety – if my parents thing that this is such a big problem/disaster/impediment to my life/that I can’t deal with things, then it surely must be!
I think therapy early is a very good thing. While of course there is a genetic and chemical component, there is part that getting to the bottom of in therapy is worth it.
My entire extended family has anxiety but refuses to acknowledge it, so you’re doing much better than them!
Anon
Honestly it could still be another medical condition; that’s what panic attacks were for me. It needs to be checked out.
Anon
I’m sorry you’re going through this but it’s definitely not your fault, and there’s definitely a genetic competent to it. I think seeking treatment at a young age is a positive thing, not a bad thing. I have anxiety that isn’t well managed in my late 30s and I really wish my parents had been more proactive about it (they’re great parents in general, but very much of the mind that anxiety and other mental issues are just something you need to get over and not something that should be medicated). From this brief post I can tell you’re a great mom who is being very supportive of your son. Please be kind to yourself.
Anon for this
Mom of two teens here. I totally get your worries, but do not think you should assume that things are going to get way worse. First, this only *seems* early to you because it’s being flagged/caught; even a decade ago, teachers and doctors weren’t looking at mental health issues in tweens (no judgment there, standards of care change), and it meant stuff got missed. I’m reading *Hidden Valley Road* right now, which is really illustrating that point, alarmingly so. And second, yes, this has been a tough, tough 2 years for the young crowd. Socialization matters for them to work out their identities in ways that are less important for us, and they’ve just missed a lot of that. Both my teens were in therapy for most of the last year, and I will tell you it made a huge difference in their ability to cope with how stressful things have been. You simply do not know yet if your kid’s struggles are situational or chronic. Finally, stop with the guilt! He actually has a really good ally in you, because you *get* these issues, which means he can talk to you about them. You are showing him that it is safe and important to take his well-being seriously, and that he can tell you things. That is invaluable for any kid. So far from this being your “fault,” you are actually really, specifically, important to your kid’s future.
anon
Your kindness is so appreciated. Thank you. And yeah, the pandemic has been so rough on kids.
anon
I was thinking something similar. It doesn’t seem to be obvious that mental health issues now are the beginning of a slippery slope. Puberty is one of the most difficult times for many people, and this kid has had a generous heaping of trauma on top of it. With the support of you and your doctors your kid can develop a better understanding of this issue, triggers, and different ways to cope, including meds. That can be a strong foundation, giving your kid the knowledge that there are ways to overcome difficult challenges. Many people say that therapy has made them more resilient.
Anon
Developmental pediatrician? Therapist is good to have in the mix — maybe see if one can help with the learning and the anxiety (vs one or other other)? Can you address in kiddo’s IEP also?
Greensleeves
It’s possible that it will get better rather than worse! I’ve had two kids deal with mental health issues at about that age – my oldest struggled with anxiety and my middle with depression. Since I had postpartum anxiety and I’m now on antidepressants (and two generations before me also struggled with depression), there is likely a genetic component for us as well. I felt like you both times, worried that they were doomed to a lifetime of struggling with mental health. But therapy was very helpful for my oldest – her anxiety was centered around school and perfectionism, and the therapist was able to give her a number of techniques she could apply. My son spent a couple years taking medication and going to therapy for his depression, and he is now doing great and is no longer taking meds. Obviously this is anecdotal and won’t be the case for everyone, and getting through it was nowhere near as easy as this summary makes it sound, but I wanted to share my experience to provide you with an alternative to what your brain is currently telling you. I honestly believe that the hormonal changes that occur around puberty may contribute. I recognize that both kids are at increased risk for mental health issues again during their lives, but I hope that how we handled these situations have taught them that there’s no shame in getting treatment so they’ll be better equipped to deal with any repeat episodes. I’ll be thinking about you and wishing you all the best!
anon
This is so helpful. Was there a specific type of therapy that helped the anxiety?
Anon
I don’t think this is that young at all. I also don’t think age matters. My sister started struggling with pretty severe anxiety around age 8. My best friend’s daughter started around age 6. This is not at all your fault. You are doing a great job as a mom connecting him with a therapist and a psychiatrist. Be open to meds if they are the right fit for him. Yes, this might be a chronic condition but so are a lot of things. And he can still live a very productive and happy life. Just don’t do what my inlaws did with DH and try to ‘cure’ the anxiety and then minimize it every time it ever came up again.
Anon for this
I have a teen son that struggles with anxiety and has panic attacks. They started when he was very very young and looked like tantrums at the time. Now that I look back, I could see that they stemmed from pure panic (going to gymnastics class with a substitute teacher instead of the teacher he knew). When we had him evaluated by a psychologist at age 6 or 7, and eventually medicated, she explained to us that the super high levels of anxiety he was experiencing were similar to children living through major trauma like a war or serious abuse without any of those things present so it was clearly a chemical deficiency. She also told us that anxiety in children in much more common than ADHD or autism, but can present similar so is often misdiagnosed. And getting them the medical help they need young can calm the panic enough so that they can learn the skills they will need to deal with anxiety the rest of their life.
I can still be catastrophic at times, so I say this gently: don’t worry about later until you get today under control. If he’s had three panic attacks in the last week, he’s at full throttle and needs some help now. Maybe he’ll be on meds/see a psychiatrist for a year and work out of it; maybe he’ll be on that program the rest of his life. We can’t tell how it’s going to play out, but you can offer him all the resources that maybe/might/potentially help and give him the best chance of success.
Anon
Do you have any advice about how to find a child psychologist for a young kid? My almost 4 year old has a lot of fairly intense fears and an extreme reaction to having to face those fears (as an example, she is terrified of using the potty and when we did the normal potty trading method of taking away the diapers and putting her in underwear, and instead of learning to use the potty like a normal kid, she refused to drink so she wouldn’t have to pee). I really think she needs help from a professional, but our pediatrician is very dismissive and says it’s normal for preschoolers to be fearful and they all grow out of it. But I know a lot of kids who are fearful and none of them are as extreme as my kid. I am less concerned with the delay in meeting milestones like potty training and more concerned that she’s really suffering inside her little head.
Anon
I don’t think you should worry that his mental health challenges will inevitably get worse as he gets older. I had anxiety as a kid and still have it as an adult; like you, it runs strongly in my family. I had several non-medication coping strategies that worked well for me until I had kids, then I developed more severe anxiety and needed an SSRI, which has worked amazingly well for me, and I feel like overall my anxiety is lower now than it ever was in my life, including as a child. So I don’t think the trajectory is always up – it can be up and down depending on life circumstances and with treatment, it can be way better. It’s great you are getting help for him now.
Seventh Sister
The fact that you are genuinely concerned and trying to help him is a huge, huge gift to him that will help in later in life. As someone who is also Club SSRI and has seen therapists periodically, there is a huge genetic component AND my life is so, so much better as an adult than it was as a tween or teen. I’m totally fine and normal?ish, but if I’d had more help when I was younger, I think the outcome would have been even better. My parents were so dismissive and are (still!) super-critical about therapy, as are my in-laws and it doesn’t help anything in terms of family dynamics.
Related: I’m an adult volunteer with a group of teens and one of the teens is going through a big mental health crisis. Said teen’s parent is NOT helping the situation by pretending it’s no big deal and everything is normal.
Annony
I’m the mom of a 13 yo and I’m not exaggerating when I say that in my large circle of moms, 9 out of 10 kids this age are in therapy, primarily for anxiety-related issues. You really can’t underestimate the amount of stress the pandemic placed on kids, and continues to do so. Kids who are still developing coping skills. He IS young to be experiencing mental health issues, but he’s also at a particularly vulnerable age, experiencing an unprecedented global crisis.
You are doing the right things. I know it can feel overwhelming and it’s very easy to project the “darkest timeline” but try to focus on what you’re really doing … giving him a better set of tools to deal with the reality he’s actually living in – not the one you, I or anyone else grew up with. He’s going to be fine, because he has parents who support him and see what he really needs, not what they just hope he needs.
Anon Mom
First – to the Anon at 4:42, have you considered therapy to address your personality disorder?
To OP – Good on you for recognizing that your child needs help and being proactive in addressing it. And give yourself a break. The early teen years are hard for anyone. In the high pressure environment of modern American middle and high school it is even worse (and the amount of pressure they put on themselves is astonishing). Add the pandemic and you have a recipe for mental health issues.
I have been there and done that. Lexapro for my kiddo starting at 14 (which she took until her late teens). Anxiety, suicidal ideation, etc. Medication helped at lot. CBT helped in the longer term. Traditional talk therapy did not do us a bit of good (and honestly was counter productive for her). Getting past those years, gaining some perspective, starting college all helped most of all. My daughter is now 21, a student at her perfect school (which was a lower stress one than her grades would have gotten her into), not taking any medication (although on the alert in case she needs it again) and has learned to recognize and stop unhealthy thought patterns. She is happy and healthy and well on her way to being launched. A early diagnosis is not a life sentence and medication while he stabilizes and the right kind of therapy, together with just getting older will help a lot.
You will both get through this and be OK. Hugs!!!!
Anon
The best thing you can do is get your kid help. Many of my close family members have struggled with anxiety and depression since adolescence but didn’t get therapy or medication until adulthood. They could have had so many easier years had their parents did what you are doing!
Anonymous
UCLA has a youth anxiety and OCD clinic which might have resources you can read even if it isn’t near enough for him to go to treatment there.
go for it
OP agree with all the others that therapy is a big help for sure. He is so fortunate that you are interested and engaged in his mental health. Big attta girl claps for you.
In the interim of finding a therapist whom deals with teens may I offer the woo woo route of Bachs Rescue Remedy drops. Get at health food store not Am#zon. Anxiety runs deep in my family plus the pandemic and we all agree it helps tons. Best wishes!
Anon
I’ll just co-sign the woo-woo Bach’s Rescue Remedy idea. I had an anxious dog at one point, and the behaviorist recommended Rescue Remedy drops. They worked so well for the dog I tried them on myself and was amazed at how much calmer I felt in stressful situations when I used them. Who cares if it’s a placebo effect; it works.
Anonymous
Hey, I’m posting really late but as a parent who has had mental health issues since childhood (but undiagnosed until I was in college): just because he’s struggling now doesn’t mean it will get worse. I’ve never been as bad as I was in college, and I’m 44 now. I wish I had been treated earlier because maybe things never would have gotten that bad. I have had relapses but I knew what was happening and caught it earlier. Realize that your reaction to this is colored by your own anxiety – you are of course not looking at this with any detachment, and it probably seems worse to you than it is because that’s how the anxious brain works. The pandemic has been extraordinarily hard on kids; a lot of kids who might otherwise be fine are struggling. Just take this one day at a time; it will get more routine, if nothing else. Big hugs!
ALT
Reposting from morning:
What’s your favorite hydrating light to medium coverage foundation? My skin is really dry and when I used my normal medium coverage foundation (an ELF one that I bought on a whim) over the weekend, it looked so flaky. I did switch to a heavier moisturizer and used that under a tinted moisturizer today and things look okay, but I’d like a better coverage option too.
I would prefer a drugstore/Target brand, but since I don’t wear heavier coverage all that often, I am okay with something more splurgey. Hydrating or not having the moisture sucked out of my skin is really the key here.
Thanks
Cat
Maybelline’s BB cream does a nice job for my combination skin.
Anon
Nars Radiant Tinted Moisturizer is the best. They sell at Sephora and have a huge color range. A sales associate can help you get the perfect match.
go for it
moisturizer first for sure!
Trixie
For drug store products: Try St. Ives apricot scrub, an oil of olay moisturizer, and then a light foundation by almay or l’oreal. I think addressing the dry skin and nourishing it will make the foundation go on better.
anon
I’m a big fan of L’Oréal Infallible foundation for long wear. I prefer the matte formula but the hydrating also is good if you can get the right color match.