ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Tie-Front Silk Shirtdress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Everything about this dress from J.Crew is calling my name: the slightly muted colors of the large leopard print, the perfectly drapey silk crepe de chine material, the fixed tie that you won’t have to adjust constantly — what a dream!

For the winter months, I’ll reiterate my previous suggestions of an old-school slip to add an extra layer of warmth and prevent unfortunate static situations.

The dress is $228 at J.Crew (but be on the lookout for sales) and comes in sizes 00–16.

This Leota dress is available in plus sizes 1X–3X and is $158 at Nordstrom.

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Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

417 Comments

  1. NYC ‘rettes! I’ll be in the city Thursday during the day, staying the night, and then leaving Friday afternoon. No plans as of now except for seeing a Broadway show Thursday night. Staying in Midtown East. Any recommendations in that general area for good food/drinks? Also any must-do things I can do with just a few free hours?

    1. Fun! Little Collins is good for coffee/breakfast/easy lunch. Two locations in Midtown East, depending on what’s closer to you. Get a Flat White.

      The Smith is also generally pretty tasty & has good drinks. The Buttercup Bakeshop is great, too (think of it as a non-touristy Magnolia –> in fact, Magnolia was started by two women who split up as partners and Buttercup is the other one’s bakeshop. Same banana pudding and cakes, but also delicious strawberry muffins and magic cookie bars and all sorts of other stuff, and none of the tourists. I prefer it!).

      You could go to MOMA before your show Thursday (compact enough so you really don’t need more than an hour or two at most). I like Souvlaki GR for a fun lunch/dinner in that area.

      The Rubin Museum is also fun for something a bit more off the beaten path. And I LOVE the Frick (a bit more uptown) but I think they are still in their temporary home in the former Whitney building and I can’t say I loved that combo when I went.

      Oh, and the outdoor holiday shops return to Bryant Park on Friday so you should go before you leave!

    3. For free time, I would go for a long walk in the park if I were you. The weather is supposed to be pretty nice/sunny on Thursday. MoMA is also a good idea.

      A few midtown restaurants options:
      – The Modern (this is actually at MoMA, so could be combined with a trip to the museum)
      – Chandelier Bar at the Baccarat Hotel
      – The Smith
      – Empellon
      – PJ Clarke’s (very casual)
      – Sushi Yasuda

    4. If you go to MOMA, I would eat the Modern Bar Room. The regular Modern is very overpriced since they built in tipping.

      There’s a great restaurant above the MAD that has beautiful park views. I believe it is called Robert.

      If you are staying in Midtown East go have tea at the Plaza. I love it. If you want to go fancy, Daniel is around 60th on the east side and has great outdoor seating.

  2. Any advice on how to keep my hands warm while working from home this winter? Does anyone use fingerless glove? If so, is there a certain brand or style you would recommend?

    2. Why…why are you keeping your home this cold? Is it an environmental thing? Money ? I’m genuinely confused but don’t mean to be dismissive.

      2. I am not the original poster. You are rude and clueless. My hands can be cold on a beach in July. Yes, warmer temperatures help, but for some of us, it is less simple than raising the thermostat by a few degrees.

        1. Nothing she said was rude. The rest of your comment was helpful, though, that’s not something that would have occurred to me.

        3. Anon and OP, I’m sorry that people are piling on you. I have Raynaud’s, which is exacerbated by a lack of Vitamin D and exercise. Winter months are tough. Unless I’m sweating, my fingers get cold.

        1. Man, I would be stabby at 67. I am surprised that I’m not hypothyroid, but I am cold all the time. 74 minimum pls.

        2. My thermostat is at 69, and I am still sitting here wearing fleece and under a blanket. My body cannot keep itself warm once it its fall.

          1. Forgot to answer the OP’s question. I drink hot herbal tea all day long. The mug warms my hands.

          2. Sigh. I know it’s miserable to be cold, but I’m in the stage of life where I’m almost always too warm and it’s not fun either. Trying to convince partner to open the window at least a crack in the bedroom at night, because it’s currently around 72F in the room (we live in a very well- insulated apartment, I don’t even bother with heat unless it’s in the 20s-30s) and very stuffy, hence I have not been able to sleep well for the last week or so. My ideal sleeping temperature is probably about 67-68, maybe colder!

          1. Are you going to pay my utility bills or fix the HVAC in my office that keeps it at 60 all year long? Didn’t think so.
            In addition to what others mentioned, getting up and moving frequently also helps me stay comfortable.

      4. OP here. My hands and feet have always run cold, even as a kid. I exercise regularly, but blood just doesn’t seem to circulate as well to my extremeties. I’m on the petite side (5’2, 105 lbs), so that might be part of the issue?

        1. As someone who has run the heat on her feet in the summer while driving, I relate! I don’t think it is a size issue, and it is pretty common for women to have circulation issues in the extremities.

        2. You should ask your doctor about Reynaud’s syndrome next time you’re in! I mean there’s not really much they can do, but it’s nice to know if it fits. I find wearing wool socks to be helpful. The other suggestions about turning up your thermostat are also good advice – if you can’t do that, consider a space heater.

          2. I guess I would venture that you may be undertreated? The coldness is a sign. I had a doctor who undertreated me badly for years because my “labs were within range.” I’m feeling so much better now with a younger doctor who treats more aggressively.

    3. I use merino wool shirts with thumbholes (like Icebreaker, Ibex, Smartwool). My fingers are still exposed because I am at the keyboard. I often wear a wool or cashmere sweater over my baselayer. Also, I wear a baselayer on my bottom half, as well, as I find that keeping my core warm really helps. Finally, When I am really having a difficult time, I do a visualization where I imagine my hands wrapped around a steaming hot mug of coffee, while my feet rest on rocks warmed by a campfire, feeling the warmth seep into my body. Sounds woo woo, which I am not, but it works.

    4. I use an electric blanket and will tuck my hands in while I’m reading something. I also find a sweatshirt with thumb holes helps as well.

    5. I bought half mitts from the Greater Good website that are made of alpaca wool. Not scratchy at all and they keep my hands warm enough to type.

    6. Not OP, but I live in coastal CA where houses have terrible electric heat, lots of windows, and poor insulation. We rent, so we have no control over any of it. If we wanted to keep our house warm, our electric bill would definitely be in the $500 per month range, so we mostly don’t use the heat. I do sometimes use a heating pad, otherwise I’m wrapped in blankets when working at home. If I’m moving around, it’s okay, but it’s chilly when sitting still (low 60s in the winter, sometimes high fifties on really cold mornings). I do use fingerless gloves and think they’re really helpful! I’ve always just bought the ones sold as arthritis gloves because I also have hand pain. They’re nice and snug, thin enough not to interfere with anything, a little grippy on the palms, and reasonably cheap ($10-15, FSA reimbursable).

      1. A space heater can help with that. I used one when I lived in a Victorian house in New England.

          1. No, they aren’t. It costs about $1.50 a day to use one in a home office 8 hours a day. Round up to an extra $50 a month, and that’s a lot better than heating the entire house.

          2. Exactly. And it wouldn’t be any better than we have already because we don’t have central heat. It’s just electric heat operated manually room by room, which is not really any different than running a space heater in each room. We use it just enough to take the edge off on the coldest days, but any more than that just isn’t worth it given how poorly insulated the houses are and that it doesn’t get THAT cold (it warms up in the afternoons). Unfortunately, this is pretty common in the houses around here, all of which are $$$$$.

      2. Hello, I also live in coastal CA and have the same issue. (Did they not believe in insulation in 1930?) I use a space heater because it allows us to keep the heat low in the rest of the house, and find it’s really helpful.

    7. I’ve seen people recommend heated vests and jackets. There’s a fieldsheer vest on the clymb for nearly 60% off right now that I’ve been eyeing.

    8. I dress more warmly than I feel like I should need to! I hate being cold. Also, try not to hunker down at your desk all day. It makes a big difference when I take a short break every hour to walk around or otherwise get my circulation going!

    12. What an odd long thread …

      OP, yes of course – fingerless gloves are so wonderful. My hands are also freezing even when my body is warm. I don’t have Raynaud’s or hypothyroid or any medical problems. Just not enough insulation in my hands, lowish blood pressure and my body’s way!

      LOVE fingerless gloves. Honestly, I just buy something cheap wherever, and probably am still using ones I bought on Amazon 10 years ago! I have an assortment and they all work fine for typing. Maybe I like the long ones (up to the elbow) the most that have a wide opening for all 4 fingers to be free, because then when I am done typing, and can curl my fingers inside the long gloves to hibernate. I am very allergic to most wools so mostly have poly blend gloves, but keep meaning to get some cashmere ones….

      2. This is me too. When I worked in my office, it was always too cold for me So it’s not just a problem working from home.I bought some cute fingerless gloves on Etsy.

    14. I live in an old house with one furnace and one set of ducts, so no separate heating for upstairs vs downstairs. If we keep the downstairs any hotter than about 67-68, it’s boiling upstairs, not to mention a total waste of energy.

      So for downstairs, where my office is, I have a cheap puffer vest and some cashmere fingerless gloves I knit, plus a collection of scarves that go with my coats. I very often slip the vest and gloves on for working, and sometimes I also have a scarf around my neck.

      It doesn’t make a ton of sense to dress more warmly overall because the minute I get up and do something other than sit at my desk, I warm right up.

      The answer is probably a space heater for my office but it’s an old house and the single outlet in my office already has a computer, two monitors, a lamp, a router, and a printer connected to it. I am not going to add a heater to the mix.

  4. I’m thinking about getting Botox for my forehead furrow (11’s). How did you find a good Botox provider? I see a lot of places that offer it but nurses do the injections. I’m assuming it’s better to have a physician do this? Thoughts? I’m also really afraid of Botox gone wrong so that is holding me back but a 18+ months of Zoom meetings has me really wanting to do address this…

    1. you want the person who does it all the time, not necessarily the physician. If you post your location I bet people will have specific recs.

      1. Yep, this. An NP or a nurse that only does botox and has great reviews is often better than a derm or plastic surgeon who does botox alongside nose jobs or skin cancer removal.

    2. I’ve always gone to a plastic surgeon, or a plastic surgeon’s med spa that has nurses do injections. Stand alone injectors, or non medically trained injectors, that aren’t overseen by facial plastic surgeons, IMO, are to be avoided.

    3. I go to a plastic surgeon’s med spa. I was referred to him by my eye doctor; he does a lot of work with the practice. I get a really small amount, I think 11 units?, and it costs me about $150.

    4. I have gone to several different types of places, having the nurse, injection person or doctor do it. I far prefer the doctor to do it, as it has been the best experience by far. I go to the med spa associated with my derm, and the doctor there does it.

      As far as being nervous about this, tell the doctor that you are nervous about it “going wrong”. The dr will (should) understand this and use a smaller amount and/and make it very natural looking. I had the same concerns and told him and he made sure to make it look natural. I was very happy with the results. I did “11”, forehead, area above upper lip, lips, “marionette” lines next to mouth.

    6. My dermatologist does it! It’s always a doctor- I find it super affordable and I love the work they do.

    7. I use a nurse injector at my dermatologist’s office. Would definitely not do it at a spa setting.

      Ask to go really light the first time. It’s standard to do the injection and then return 1 – 2 weeks later for touch-ups. You can ask for more then if you’d like. Also it will burn off after a few months anyway.

      1. Also, “Botox” is kind of like saying “Kleenex.” There are other products you might find to be a better fit. I actually get Dysport in the forehead because it spreads/diffuses a bit better so it’s a gentler look.

      1. I use Linda at McGuiness Dermatology at their Plano location. She’s not super active on Instagram, but you can see some of her work at linda_mcguinessderm.

  5. Awkward moment of the day: yesterday one of my job interviewers was my bosses brother in law. How did I not put that together before the interview?

    1. Out of curiosity… How did you even put this out during the interview? Did the interviewer flat out tell you? I am not sure how you would have put this together before hand! I have no idea about my boss’s brothers in law. Definitely awkward though.

      1. The interviewer brought it up. He wasn’t sure if I was aware of the connection (I wasn’t) and then he told me he wouldn’t tell my boss.

    2. I’m also wondering how this even came up, or why you’d even think that you should have “put this together before the interview.” I have no idea who my bosses’ in-laws are.

      1. We’re all in a very small industry, and my boss talks about her sister’s family quite a bit.

    3. This happened to my husband. He interviewed with his director’s best friend. My husband didn’t know until his director stopped by to let him know he gave a good reference.

  6. Last year, I was bracing for a long and lonely winter. I expected to isolate and emerge in the spring with no covid. (Obviously that didn’t pan out.) Now facing another cold, isolated winter feels harder. Any tips for making it through? I’m single, no kids, rent, and could spend up to $400 on some special things ($x/week or a couple bigger things).

    1. I’m going to push a bit, but I don’t think the situation this winter is comparable to last winter. You’re vaccinated, I assume? I do think you can safely have a social life and don’t need to resign yourself to another winter like last year’s.

      1. Exactly! Unless there is some reason OP can’t vaccinated, I would get the booster whenever possible and hang out with like minded friends. In my area bars/restaurants/movie theaters are checking vaccine cards and that definitely makes me feel better, but I also don’t think it would be necessary for me to feel comfortable since I”m triple vaccinated.

        1. I won’t feel safe until I’m quadruple vaccinated unless there’s another number after four.

          1. Well then I guess you’ll just have to accept the fact that your opportunities for fun will be extremely limited until then.

    2. You don’t need to face an isolated winter. Are you not fully vaccinated? Has your doctor told you the vaccine won’t work for you? Unless she has, don’t isolate. Go out. Do things. See people. Isolation at this point is a choice you are making.

    3. And I should clarify – I’m not just looking for stuff or things, if you have a great winter routine, hobby, etc. I’m all ears! I live in the very snowy and cold Midwest, where not many are vaccinated, so once things all go indoors it is hard.

        1. Anecdata: my fully vaccinated, very fit husband had a breakthrough infection a month ago. He is still having difficulty breathing, his oxygen saturation rate is not great, and he is exhausted all the time. Many people (like the OP and I) believe that it still makes sense to be cautious.

          2. There’s a difference between being reasonably cautious and living like we did in March, April and May of 2020. Also, you have a husband. Some of the people who are posting about feeling isolated live alone. You deciding that you want to isolate from other people is a different choice, involving different variables. If I lived alone I would definitely be getting my booster and putting a mask on and getting out there. I don’t think it’s healthy, mentally or physically (because body and mind are connected) for people to stay isolated if they’re dreading doing that.

          3. Thank you, Anon at 10.19, for saying that, in better and calmer words than I would have myself.

          4. Oh, FFS, 10:12. Yes, the plural of “anecdote” is not data. However, the data demonstrate that breakthrough infections are common. Three-quarters of the people infected in the Provincetown outbreak, for example, were fully vaccinated, and that was months ago. For people vaccinated last spring, immunity has waned substantially since then.

      2. Put on a mask and hit an indoor ice rink to skate or see a hockey game. Our city’s minor league hockey team is awesome and not expensive and you can socially distance in the cheap seats because the games are just not terribly well attended even in good times.

      3. I’ll bite – I HATE winter, I have SAD and really suffer from the lack of sun. I’m trying to be proactive this year and plan things to look forward to in Jan/Feb/March, and a trip to a warm weather destination in March (knowing when I come back that there are only a few more weeks of true winter left helps so much).
        While I don’t ski, I do enjoy snow-shoeing, but that depends on the right gear. Make sure you have baselayers, warm boots, wool socks, ski (or waterproof pants), good gloves/hat, coat. Find local trails and make it a point to get out for exercise as many weekends as you can. The endorphins help.
        Make a list of recipes of cozy food – it doesn’t have to be ‘treats’ as those can get unhealthy fast. Think stews, soups, stewed fruit compotes, breakfast muffins, making your bread for your sandwiches from scratch. Lean in to taking care of and nurturing yourself.
        Make a list of books/movies you want to read and see and buy a bunch/reserve them from your library. Start an evening routine of a nice warm mug of tea, a good book or fun movie, and a lovely candle. Treat yourself to (or ask for Christmas) for luxurious pjs, a fuzzy blanket, a slow-cooker, etc. that you’ll enjoy.
        Make it a point to make plans with friends now – can someone meet up with you to hike and drink hot cocoa? Can you have a weekly phone date with a girlfriend? Are you ok meeting up with one or two close friends indoors? If so arrange a dinner party night where you switch off cooking.
        Good luck!

          1. Just spend the $ and get coat / hat / gloves / fleece lined pants / thick wool socks / insulated boots until you are comfy and then have at it.

        2. Agree with all of this. Snow shoeing if you have the right warm clothes on is incredibly peaceful.

        3. What a wonderful list! I am now looking forward to winter.

          Actually, I love the clothes of winter! I hate summer clothes (and shaving!). Bring it on!

    4. I’m in a similar boat and have just steeled myself to the fact that I’m going to take more risks than I did last winter. I can’t be that isolated again.
      (I was dumped by the guy I’ve been seeing on Sunday so feeling extra lonely/sore just now, so the idea of the cold and isolation is even worse).

      1. Sorry about the breakup!

        Also, the risks are not remotely the same as last winter and there is no reason to be so isolated.

    5. My doctor recently told me that: We will be living with this Covid thing for a long time, maybe forever. Trust the vaccine, and live your life cautiously. Go to the movies at odd times when it is less crowded. Get to museums on weekdays, go out to eat, but avoid crowded bars. Wear a mask, get your boosters, and carry on. Isolating has a risk, too–depression, boredom, isolation, poor mental health. You will be ok even if you get Covid. I don’t have any other risk factors except being in my 60’s, so I am taking her advice and getting out of the house.

      1. Had a similar conversation with my doctor last week. He said we’re reaching the “endemic” phase of Covid where it will continue to circulate and people will need to get boosters (he thinks it will be yearly, like for flu), but especially for vaccinated people, there is no reason to continue living life as though we’re still in the first phase, when we didn’t really understand the virus or what it did. My doctor is also not pro-let’s-go-to-the-crowded-bar (he says he was never pro-that in the wintertime anyway, because of the flu) but says he is also not understanding why some people who are vaccinated and can wear masks aren’t wanting to circulate even a little bit. We really can get back to near-normal without a lot of anxiety. Will there be people who continue to get sick, even if they are vaccinated? Yes, but especially once people have their boosters, the chance that a breakthrough infection will kill a vaccinated person or result in them having long-term side effects are vanishingly low. There’s no reason for vaccinated people to keep living like it’s April of 2020, other than irrational fear.

        1. I agree with much of what you said, but for your last sentence, a lot of vaccinated people are still locked down to protect vulnerable family members who aren’t protected from the vaccine – could be kids, immuncompromised, etc. I know they weren’t your target, but I also know that those people are REALLY over being told their precautions are due to “irrational fear.” It’s already so isolating being forced to live that way and the fact that the general public has 100% moved on/lumped everyone into the “anxiety” group can be so hard at times.

          1. Thank you. Everyone is so quick to diagnose everyone else with anxiety around here. People have legitimate reasons for being cautious that are unique to them and their situation.

          3. +100. I have two unvaccinated kids, and this isn’t over for me until they’re vaccinated. I’m being cautious to protect them and their unvaccinated classmates. I’m not irrational, and I wish other people would take children into account more. How about you just be glad you don’t have to worry about this as much as some people do and then respectfully and cautiously enjoy all of the freedoms you have that we still don’t? Isn’t that enough without having to blast people as “irrational?”

          4. Anon at 11:49 – yes, thank you. The OP (unless she didn’t disclose this) is not someone who lives with vulnerable people and has good reason for being cautious. I am personally “REALLY over” everyone jumping to take offense at comments that weren’t directed at them, and suggestions that weren’t intended for their situation. I would like to understand why some people on this board wander through threads apparently looking for things they can take offense at and get upset about? Seems like a waste of energy to me, but OK.

        2. Do we have good data on the risk of long term symptoms from breakthrough infection yet? I thought we were focusing on hospitalizations, and long COVID often results from mild infections.

          1. You thought wrong. Long Covid does not often result from mild symptoms and long Covid is being tracked and the data is good on the vaccine protecting against it. This has all been known for quite a while now.

          3. What I’ve heard is that long Covid “can” result from mild infections, not that it “often” results from mild infections.

          4. Obviously hospitalization can result in long term symptoms because recovering from hospitalization and the severe damage that requires it is a big, big deal. So if a study just asks something like “is the patient fully recovered yet?” of course patients who needed to be hospitalized are going to be recovering for a while; they sustained a lot of physical damage.

            But last I checked, long COVID as it has been emerging as a distinct clinical entity is more common in patients who didn’t require hospitalization… they didn’t necessarily get all that sick, they just don’t get better.

        3. I think the flu is a good analogy. I don’t know rates, but every flu season, there are people who get the flu, have no serious comorbidities except maybe they’re over 50 and carrying a few extra pounds, and they die or get very very sick/disabled. Most of us in that group get our yearly flu vaccines and carry on (although I wouldn’t go to an indoor thing with someone who was actively ill, of course!).

          1. The problem is that people haven’t changed their behavior and are showing up places while actively ill, and you don’t know until it’s too late. I don’t want COVID or the flu or even a cold, since the last cold I had pre-COVID turned into 8 months of bronchitis.

          2. Right. There is no point in time in which we are going to be “free” from Covid or that Covid is going to be “over.” It’s here, and from now on it will likely always be here. Vaccines will get better, treatments will get better. The virus will likely get less deadly if it follows the trajectory of other viruses. People who are waiting for the “pandemic to be over” or for it to be completely safe will be waiting forever. I think part of this is people thinking that somehow, some way we will be able to return to the way things were pre-pandemic, like the pandemic never happened. We can’t. We can’t un-ring that bell. We lived in a pre-Covid world and now we live in a post-Covid world. And we can LIVE in the post-Covid world, not just exist.

          3. “The problem is that people haven’t changed their behavior and are showing up places while actively ill, and you don’t know until it’s too late. I don’t want COVID or the flu or even a cold, since the last cold I had pre-COVID turned into 8 months of bronchitis.”

            So Anon at 11:57 – I am genuinely curious, what’s your next move? I don’t see any way that you’re going to be able to live life never getting sick again with anything, ever. Even if you isolated yourself in your house and never even left to get groceries, your grocery-delivery person can cough on your delivery and there you go, you’re exposed.

          4. I think people who don’t have immune deficiencies don’t understand that being stuck at home miserable with constant infections between occasional outings can actually add up to lower quality of life than isolating, masking, and social distancing.

        4. Because a quote like “There’s no reason for vaccinated people to keep living like it’s April of 2020, other than irrational fear” is inaccurate. There are a lot of valid reasons that affect readers of this board. We’re allowed to comment on that.

          1. Threaded wrong. Meant to be reply to Anon at 12:16 accusing people of combing the threads looking to be offended.

    6. “Make your winter days count instead of counting the days until summer.”

      There are all kinds of low risk, wonderfully fun things you can do during the winter. Meet up with a group to go snowshoeing. Try skiing. Try cross-country skiing. See if there is a biathlon group near you offering lessons. Go for a winter hike to look at a beautiful frozen river or waterfall. Find some indoor things to do that fit your risk tolerance (masks/capacity limits).

      Living alone is definitely hard, but winter doesn’t have to be. It can be a wonderful, joyous season and it is well worth the effort to train yourself to shift that mindset now (and to find some friends to enjoy it with). Then you can enjoy winter for the rest of your life. I feel bad for those people who saw their friend slip on ice once 10 years ago and therefore don’t go outside in winter and knuckle through SAD at home instead. It’s just not the way to live.

    7. I’d spend the money on some good quality outdoor gear so you can find ways to get outside with friends, maybe walking, cross country skiing, or snow shoeing. If you’d be comfortable doing indoor activities that aren’t crowded, consider taking a half day off twice a month to go to a museum, indoor pool, botanical gardens with a greenhouse, or movie at a time it won’t be busy. And I enjoy catching up with friends by zoom or phone when both of us are making dinner – it’s more similar to real life hangouts than staring at each other. I’d also find a few friends who have a level of COVID caution that you’re comfortable with and socializing at home regularly.

      1. My hatred of winter significantly diminished when I started to routinely dress for it – warm hat, scarf, shoes. Night and day.

        1. Absolutely. Team winter here. I spend more time doing outdoor activities in winter than hot summer – you can dress for the cold and do everything and more (except swim)in winter but you can’t say the same about 95 degree days in the summer.

        2. I grew up in a warm place and so never had good winter stuff bc it was only truly cold for a few weeks in January or February. I truly thought that people who lived in cold places were just miserable all winter, until I moved to a cold place and discovered the power of a decent coat, layering properly, and always wearing a hat, gloves, and good socks. LIFE CHANGING.

      2. How hard is snowshoeing on backs, hips, knees, and feet. I want good exercise but not hi impact with arthritis. Thanks for any advice. How to know what kind of gear to buy?

    8. Can you give us a personality profile?

      I am low key and nerdy, so I am leaning into reading by the fire, seeing live performances with friends, at venues requiring full vaccination and masks, and socializing with fully vaccinated friends at each other’s homes. When cases are low in my area, I will also risk exercising indoors at the YMCA, which is my riskiest activity but has a high reward.

      If you are more adventurous, this could be a great winter to commit yourself to a real hobby. Winter camping? Indoor rock climbing at a gym with protocols you feel comfortable with?

      Finally, winter is always hard for me, and last winter was devastating. If I start feeling low at any point, I committed to hopping on anti-depressants instead of slogging though.

      1. So proud of you re antidepressants. They make a world of difference for me for surviving (and enjoying) winter in the PNW.

    9. Two tips:

      1) loosen up what you’re willing to do this winter. Yes, break through cases are happening but there’s a trade off between being covid safe and emotionally well. If you’re not ready for indoor dining, then get together with a few vaccinated friends in your home, or meet up for outdoor activities. Even my extremely high risk relative (he is on the lung transplant list level of high risk!) still goes over to peoples houses for indoor dinner.

      2) lean into winter. I’m from the northeast and I hate hate hate winter and the cold. However, last year I started spending a lot of time outside in order to socialize. I spent money on high quality warm clothes (I’ve always believed that there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing). My friends and I mostly met up at outdoor breweries/bars or each other’s balconies for drinks (hot toddies rule!) but we also went for walks, did winter activities (sledding, Ice skating, skiing) and did outdoor sports (running, biking, tennis, hiking, etc can all be done year round if you’re bundled up!). As someone who never spent nights at home (I literally socialize 6 nights a week), I also leaned into st home solo hobbies (reading, knitting, cooking fun meals) and decorating for holidays. I usually hate holiday decorating, but my apartment felt so cozy with all lights off except for Christmas lights and candles, Christmas music, and a fun cocktail.

    10. Are you vaccinated? Booster? And wear an N95! You really shouldn’t need to isolate if you do all the above.

        1. Actually, Scott Gottlieb says masks matter and you should upgrade if you can now that there isn’t a massive shortage. I don’t know that N95 is necessary all the time for everyone but I’ve started wearing at least a surgical mask on the subway now and I generally do accept that this going to be an endemic sort of thing that we can’t just wait out by avoiding life for another year.

          1. Actually, nothing you said disagrees with me that N95 masks are not necessary for a fully vaccinated person going about her daily life.

          2. I like higher grade masks for crowded spaces anyway… They make it less likely you get a cold! We’ve started wearing them to all doctor’s appointments after a close encounter with the phlebotomist (baby heel pricks…) had me hacking for a week.

      2. I suggested N95 as an option if she wasn’t vaccinated… or if she were still worried about a breakthrough despite being vaccinated

    12. Two things really helped me (I have kids and a husband, but still find life pretty lonely sometimes):
      -standing date with a good friend. We went on weekly walks. Even in super cold weather we would bundle up and make it like twenty minutes, but it was something.
      – i took and online art class at the local community college- it met via zoom. The combination of having a weekly drawing assignment and the classroom interaction was great for my mental health.
      I think this year i want to start a soup club…

      1. This is a spectacular idea! I used to pick up a bouquet at the grocery store and never realized how happy it made me. I did it in preparation for a friend’s visit and it brings me so much joy!

    14. Do you have vaccinated friends? Maybe you could invite them over for a few casual parties where you snack and drink cocktails. Go crazy and theme them or something fun.

    15. Last winter we took up snowshoeing, went to watch the skaters in the local outdoor rink, found a restaurant with outdoor fire pits, found where the sled dogs train and went to watch them train and compete, i.e. really leaned into to outdoor winter. It required upgrading our winter clothing so it all really worked, and buying modern snowshoes instead of using some old family gear.

    16. What about a vacation somewhere warm during the late February/early March? I feel like having something to look forward would help

  7. I posted late yesterday afternoon about my tween son’s mental health issues. Thank you to everyone who responded with such compassion and great advice. I have read every word, several times. I don’t feel comfortable discussing this with many people IRL, so it means the world to have a sounding board from people who have been there.

    1. I just went back and read the thread. Hugs to you! Another thing to consider is whether he truly has panic attacks or whether it’s possible he has an undiagnosed heart condition. This happened to a college friend while he was in high school: he thought he was having panic attacks, turned out it was a heart issue corrected with a simple surgery.

    2. I was too late to comment yesterday, but just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone – my best friend is dealing with this with her 11-year-old son, and my son started showing signs of depression when he was about your son’s age, well before the pandemic. It’s great that there’s less stigma these days to getting kids help for the struggles they experience. I definitely had anxiety even as a small child, and also struggled with depression in high school. Even then (back in the 90s) I went to a therapist and it helped a ton. I come from a family with a lot of anxious people and for some of them, medication has meant that they can live a normal, healthy life vs. living with crippling anxiety and then engaging in self-soothing/self-medicating behaviors that are destructive. Your son doesn’t need a “reason” to be anxious and there may not be anything in his environment you can “fix,” it may just be the way he is wired. He can get therapy to help with some of that and then there’s medication, and I for one am grateful we have so many options available to us to help our kids. Think about how many kids, back in the day, had mental-health needs that didn’t get met. Think about how different people’s lives could have been if they could have gotten help at your son’s age, instead of much later in life. You’re doing the right thing just by paying attention and reaching out to professionals. Hugs.

      1. OP here, and I am super grateful that options are available. My mom has had anxiety her whole life but has never seen a therapist or done anything about it because of the stigma. That’s for “other people.” Her brother has dealt with anxiety and depression, and went the self-medication route with alcohol. Though he’s been sober for awhile, his adult life has been rough and he went through a relapse after his mom died, after 20+ years of sobriety. I do not want this future for my kid.

    3. In case it helps at all: I developed an eating disorder and anxiety extremely young (age 9), at a time when pediatric mental health care was barely available and heavy stigma attached to mental health issues for both kids and adults (late 1980s, early 1990s). My parents got me treatment early, and while it was a long struggle (I was in treatment until I was 23), I recovered completely from my ED (I’m 40 now and have never relapsed). I’ve had a few episodes of anxiety or depression as an adult, but because I was treated early, I recognized them quickly and had no reluctance to get help. In general, I think I’m mentally healthier than almost anyone I know even though I have a diagnosed history of severe mental illness. Just want to offer a bit of hope for the future!

    4. I was too late to post yesterday, too. My daughter went through a really rough patch when she was a sophomore in high school (so a little older than your son) and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. But now, as a freshman in college, she can look back on that time and acknowledge what she went through but doesn’t feel it at all. She did a combination of therapy and then meds (which she is still using to help with attention issues). So don’t give up hope that he’ll grow out of it or be treated to the point where it’s much, much better. Warm thoughts and commiseration! Someone once told me that you’re only as happy as your least happy child and that’s so, so true. It’s tough to watch your kid suffering.

  8. I’m late 30s and have never had a bikini wax. I shave/trim my bikinis area regularly. Should I switch to gettin it waxed? What are the pros/cons? Also, what exactly should I expect?

    I started getting my hair professionally colored at 35 and wish I had done it a decade earlier. I switched to get manicures and it was a total game changer.

    1. Not what you asked, but I would do laser hair removal. I did it a decade ago and never think about the hair anymore.

      1. +100000. I have a low pain tolerance and can get my eyebrows waxed but the idea of a bikini wax is horrifying. Laser is amazing!!! I’ve done an almost Brazilian and my underarms. I plan to do my full leg and arms this winter. It highly doubt it’s more painful than waxing and it’s semi permanent.

    2. If you’ve gotten by without it, why change now? I’ve a fair-skinned Chewbacca and eventually went the laser route after too many ingrown hairs (the downside of waxing). Shaving was just not going to keep up — 5:00 shadow is not cool.

      1. Because I’ve been shaving more and just tired of it. Laser is a good idea- I’m light skinned and dark haired so I think that works on my favor?

        1. That’s probably perfect. Laser was the best thing I ever did. I did four sessions over about 8ish months. I probably could have a done a couple more but the results were exponentially better than shaving and have lasted many years. I would have done my legs as well but my hair there is quite light and my technician wouldn’t even take my money to try it – she said she needed more contrast. So, still shaving there, sadly.

          I tried waxing a few times and it was just excruciating (for me). I know people do it regularly but honestly could not imagine.

    4. This is going in the more low tech direction, but after many years I recently tried the Veet gel cream remover and I’m going to keep using it. Its too fussy for your whole legs but works well for the bikini area, doesn’t leave stubble and is much better than it used to be.

    5. The downsides for me are ingrown hairs, time, and money. The ingrown hairs are the obvious dealbreaker; it’s so bad that it looks like I have some horrible infection. I’ve tried every cream, treatment, and waxing method on the market and nothing works. But even if that weren’t an issue, I’m not sure I’d want to keep up the maintenance. It’s a lot of time, effort, and expense. I don’t do manicures for the same reason though so ymmv.

      1. Same here. Also, waxing HURTS! I should bite the bullet and get laser hair removal, but it sounds like such a process that I keep talking myself out of it.

    6. I mean, do you want to? Waxing is painful, expensive and for me it causes massive ingrown hairs.

    7. I wax because I’m lazy (I also don’t find it painful after years of doing it) but I’m totally getting laser hair removal after I’m done having kids.

    8. You should do whatever you’re comfortable with. You don’t have to ask other people. I’m not comfortable with waxing and horribly prone to ingrowns anyway, so I stick with home shaving/trimming. There’s not one correct way.

    9. Waxing REALLY sucks for me there…as ingrowns and irritation are gonna happen no matter what. Honestly, unless the current status of your hair down there bothers you, I’d keep doing what you’re doing, unless you’re willing to spend the $$$ on laser.

    10. I started waxing this past spring (mid-40s, shaved/trimmed previously) and I’m so glad I did! The first three times I had an abundance of unsightly ingrown hairs and uneven regrowth, but since then I’ve been fine. Occasional ingrown, but less than shaving. I spend a lot of time at the beach in the summer, and waxing saved me so much time. Also at this point the new hair is growing in much finer and pain during waxing has decreased significantly.

  9. Does anyone subscribe to Nebula? If so, what do you enjoy on the platform? DH signed up this week and we are a little lost as to what to watch.

  10. DH and I are making a focused effort to improve our s*x life. We are both WFH for the foreseeable future, so I thought it would be fun to buy some work appropriate but flirty outfits to wear around my now permanent office mate.

    Any ideas, categories, general suggestions? The idea is to generally put off the vibe of a hot coworker (vs the leggings and sweater type getups I’ve been WFHing in since 2010).

      1. This plus maybe a tight pencil skirt with thigh highs and heels. A button up cardigan with a few buttons undone. Maybe even a button down shirt.

    2. I think some of the “hot gym” athleisure outfits would work with this. I have gym tops from Athlete and Lululemon that look like normal shirts from the front (and therefore on Zoom) but are cut out or otherwise sexier from the back. That + tight leggings, which no one is going to see anyways (other than who you want to!)

    3. I would prefer that my husband not get into a mindset of thinking of his co-workers as hot, lol.

      1. Not the OP, but I can think someone is hot and not act on it because I am a responsible adult with healthy boundaries. Same with my husband!

    4. When I wear leggings, I normally wear a sweater that covers my butt. If a top does not cover my butt, my husband finds leggings incredibly attractive.

    6. Kegel balls?
      If it’s okay for temperature, something with a low back (add jacket for zoom)
      Scheduled lunch quickie?

    7. Body hugging sweater dress? It’ll keep you warm, look professional from the neck up, and show off your curves. Back when you were going to the office, was there anything your husband said was hot [office wear]?

  11. I purchased a pair of olive green pants. They fit great – but I am at a loss how to style them. Was there a post recently on what to pair with olive? Any ideas appreciated! The only thing I have done so far is solid black tops and black loafers. I have a striped black and white sweater, but other than black and white, any ideas that would still work for business casual/business dress where full suits aren’t required?

    1. I have a lot of black and white and pair them with olive bottoms all the time. I like contrast.

    2. Olive can be surprisingly neutral. Try hot pink (wild card), navy, either very dark or very light gray, as a starting point.

        1. I have a floral top with cream and dusty pink tones that looks fantastic with olive pants.

      2. Yes! I often pair olive with an orange or red top.
        You have to be careful of the shade of red or else it ends up looking like one of Santa’s elves.

    3. I love olive and navy, actually. A navy sweater with olive pants? Navy silk blouse? All lovely. (And for me, the cool tones look better next to my face than more olive.)

    4. This thread is making me want to buy a pair of olive pants. It seems like a color I’ve been missing.

    5. I love the combination of ivory + olive. Or light gray + olive. Plums, navy, and pinks also look good! Most of my recommendations are on the cooler side because I don’t wear warm colors near my face, but I’ve seen others rocking camel + olive, rust + olive, and mustard+olive and they look great.

    8. I have some olive green linen pants I wear in the summer. I am a neutrals person for the most part so I’m not going to suggest purple/pink/leopard/whatever. The things that I felt looked best with my olive pants were warm toned neutrals, so off-white and beige, and then various shades of olive. I also have one print top that has some olive in it and that looked ok together with the pants, but I think the all neutrals looked better and more intentional.

    9. Olive is a neutral! I love it with leopard, cobalt, burgundy, gray, navy, cream, rust, denim/chambray, ivory, red, pink, lavender, purple — pretty much everything. Also I like to mix different shades of olive.

    10. Everything goes with olive!

      Camels and grays and blacks look good. Navy is good. I like certain shades of purple with olive – if it’s good for irises, it’s good for me! I also like teals/turquoises with olive, gives a kind of 1960s mod vibe. Even some oranges, rusts, and mustards can look good with olive.

      Really, think about colors that look good next to your face and try them with the olive pants. One word of caution, if you fall in love with olive like I have (it’s a good color for me) you have to be careful that pretty soon you own so many olive pants, tops, jackets, shoes, and bags, that if you don’t watch out, you will look like a walking olive.

    1. This looks perfect for a sweater dress that is shorter than or just grazes the top of the boots. Would also be cute with shorter skirt + tights + cozy sweater.

  13. Ugh I’m in such a rut. Had a baby six months ago, moved two weeks ago, unfinished home renovation, older child in kindergarten, fundamental changes at work that make everything harder. I haven’t eaten well or slept well in worked out in forever. I’m crabby, exhausted and life is just a terrible slog. I suffered a horrible neck injury but I’m out of PTO. When I take a day off things just seem to get worse at work. When I try to vent to my parents they yell at me for not yelling at the contractors. Everyday something leaks, breaks, or crumbles. The threat of extreme weather, a sickness, a major home problem, a major work emergency is just constantly looming. I’m sick to my stomach about work issues and im in therapy for it. Everything feels 100% out of control. Any tips would be appreciated. Thanks.

    1. I’m so sorry. You just have so many things going on. Do you have a partner – if so what are they doing about this? Can they take over more of the contractors at least?

    2. This is a lot! Hopefully a lot of it is also temporary. Home renovations are awful and exhausting but they do end. Do you have a schedule for things to wind down? You didn’t mention a partner. If you have one, can s/he help more like dealing with contractors or watching the little ones so you can nap? Can you bundle up the infant and get outside for a walk? Have you talked to your doctor about any postpartum hormones that might also be contributing? Sorry I have no real answers but I do empathize.

    3. That is so hard. I’m sorry that I have nothing to offer you in terms of concrete suggestions, but I wanted to tell you that you are doing a good job. It is amazing that you are able to keep going when you are dealing with this much.

    4. That’s a lot!!! You have so much going on right now. I hereby acknowledge how crappy that is. The only tip I have is to prioritize sleep, and then exercise. For me, when I feel myself spiraling (especially about work) it helps a ton to make sure I get those two things. Even one short run helps. At six months there was no good night of sleep with either of my kids, but can your partner can take at least one feed so you can get a good chunk of uninterrupted sleep?

      1. And I apologize – I thought you said partner but you said parents. Can you get them to take the kids at all for a night? Or hire a night sitter/nurse for just one night?

        I agree that days off don’t help in these situations.

    5. Is short term disability an option for the neck injury? It’s been a lifesaver for family members.

    6. When my kid was 6 months old I also had a neck issue and not only ran out of PTO but I also ran out of insurance for physical therapy. They referred me to a pain specialist and my life improved so much when I started keeping up with treating the pain – and I don’t mean opioids, I mean round-the-clock anti-inflammatories and muscle relaxers at night. Like, set your alarm to take the 2am dose of NSAIDs so they don’t wear off. It made a huge, huge difference.

      In terms of the contractors, do you have a general contractor on the project? You shouldn’t need to be yelling at multiple contractors, you should have one point of contact for the yelling!

      Lastly, when we were undergoing a kitchen remodel, we lived with it most of the time, but for a few weekends we checked into a suite style extended stay hotel. It was so nice to just get away and stay somewhere that had room service and a working sink and not a thick layer of dust everywhere.

    7. All I had to read was had a baby 6 months ago. That’s a lot on its own!!! I’m so sorry! Definitely cut yourself some slack. If there are any friends or family members that can help, or even pay someone to come in and clean your home. Make anything easier on yourself. Order groceries or delivery meals. Have your kids help with chores if they are old enough. Go easy on yourself. You shouldn’t be expected to handle all of this.

  14. Kid (vaxxed) is having some kid friends over this weekend for a few hours (outside, around fire pit).

    I am not sure if all parents are vaxxed but one works in a PICU, so I am not inviting any parents dropping off kids to hang out (only one fire pit, so we’d ordinarily let the kids be there and hang out separately, but I don’t want people indoors if I am unclear on anything). I adore PICU parent and know she is vaxxed and conservative, but just feel so darn antisocial. Still: a lot of kids have unvaxxed younger siblings and I feel like if you can’t spend a couple hours occupying yourself kid-free, maybe that is not my burden to carry during a pandemic when it is getting too cold to be outside. But next year I will be so done with this (maybe by January once the 5-11 YO kids are done with shots).

      1. I have a feeling that the parents aren’t invited, but feel like they get to come in and stay for a beer (based on how the world was in 2019) and hang out if they know the parents socially. It’s like the reverse of weddings — you invite the grownups and they show up with kids. Here, you invite the kids and the parents come anyway. [At least for me — if I am in party supervising mode (pointing out bathrooms, dealing with surprise periods in teen girls, dealing with surprise food allergies), I am not in party participating mode. All you adults can shoo.]

        1. Maybe politely mention that it’s a “drop off” party so that parents can have some kid free time?

          1. Funny — we tried this last year and I feel like then the adults were so starved for social interactions they were unbelievably clingy. So now each kid can have 1 kid over at a time (then the parents aren’t afflicted by FOMO) but nothing approaching a gathering that might trigger an adult’s social tendencies. I get it though.

        2. This is not at all my experience. When the kids were little, parents expected to stay for parties and play dates, which was a surprise to me the first few times it happened. Once they hit age 11-12, the parents all got super busy and stopped even coming to the door to pick the kids up. Now they just text the kid from the car. Even when the kids’ parents are my actual friends, I have to make separate arrangements to hang out with them.

          1. I had a drop-off party when my daughter was between preschool and kindergarten age. I had to make it really clear in the invitation – “enjoy your day, mamas. This is a drop-off party! Go pamper yourselves and come pick up your daughter at 4!” (Sounds sexist but all my contacts were the moms) I even asked one of my friends in the group to do a reply-all and talk about how she was looking forward to some time for herself.

            When the party started, one mom wanted to hang around and take pictures, another was just lingering, but I said “ok now go enjoy yourselves! We’ve got this!” and they got the hint and left. It helped that I had my regular babysitter there to help with the party, so the moms saw that there was plenty of adult “coverage.”

            You just have to be very very clear that it’s a drop off party and keep mentioning it.

    2. What is this weird rambling anxiety? You are creating this problem entirely in your head. You invited kids over. That is fine. You certainly could have invited parents you’re being silly not to, but you have no obligation to.

    4. what? You’re worried that a vaxxed physician is going to cause an outbreak by sipping a beer – outside – while her kid plays with yours? I cannot make sense of this paragraph.

      1. My guess — doctor is trusted for a visit but other parents are not (and the downside risk to the doctor is especially why parents of unknown status / habits are not welcome to linger, especially indoors). I miss summer already — I didn’t need to think or care so much.

    5. I’m confused, do you not want to hang out with the adults? Or is it only because you’re concerned for PICU parent? If you want to hang out with people then invite them in, PICU parent can make their own decisions. If you want to hang out with only vaxxed people then say that. If you don’t want to hang, that’s ok too.

    6. I don’t understand what you’re asking or saying. This is just anxiety word vomit.

    8. I get what you’re trying to say but I’m not 100% sure there’s any way to chase the parents off if they linger after dropping off the kids.

      Maybe next time only invite kids whose parents you feel comfortable hanging out with.

    9. It’s almost like our own fun little game to try to figure out this poster’s daily anxiety ramblings.

    10. If they have older kids, you should invite the parents to stay and clue you in on the college admissions process.

  15. Hi, all! I want to do something to reduce my double chin. I’ve had it forever, even at my skinniest (which is not right now!) and I’m very self-conscious about it. I’m not interested in a surgical approach. Has anyone successfully used Kybella for reduction? Can you comment on # treatments, total cost, level of improvement?
    Are there other treatments I should look at as well? TIA!

    1. I looked into it with the medispa where I get Botox done. The doctor recommended a microneedling treatment instead of Kybella, for now. My understanding is that Kybella gets rid of the fat in that area but the microneedling is better at tightening the skin. Sometimes they do a combination of both. I did three treatments (about $1k each) and I’m pretty happy with the results. It takes about 6 months to see the full results so I’ll reassess once that time is up.

    3. I did Kybella and it helped by removing the fatty deposit. My skin then tightened up a bit and I would say that alone was about a 60 percent improvement. I have not done anything further given the pandemic.

  16. Pfizer Boosters–are people just ignoring CDC guidelines on whether or not you are a front-line worker and getting them anyway since there is not a shortage like there was in the beginning? I am going to visit my parents for thanksgiving. I live in a very highly vaccinated area. They live in a very low vaccinated area (we’re talking like 25% of the eligible population is fully vaxxed…). I’ll be 7, almost 8 months post second dose of Pfizer by then and would prefer to have a booster before I go to my parent’s, but I’m not in any of the listed job categories.

    1. I got a text from my city asking me to come get it. I am not a front line worker. So I don’t think the rules are exactly the same. There was no line, I could have gotten a next day appointment, and they wanted us to encourage others to come.

    2. Two thoughts. First, it is not just tied to job categories. Anyone on the CDC list of high risk conditions, which includes BMI over 25, actually qualifies. That’s a lot of people. Second, yes for sure people are just claiming a condition and getting it, and in your shoes I would.

    3. I was at my doctor yesterday and she told me I should get one, even though I’m not in any of the categories.

    4. This is straight from the CDC website, many more people than front-line workers are now eligible for the booster:

      COVID-19 Vaccine booster shots are available for the following Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine recipients who completed their initial series at least 6 months ago and are:
      65 years and older
      Age 18+ who live in long-term care settings
      ***Age 18+ who have underlying medical conditions*** (this covers many many people)
      Age 18+ who work in high-risk settings
      Age 18+ who live in high-risk settings

      In my area people can make an appointment at a Walgreens or CVS and just get a booster. My husband is getting his at CVS tomorrow and it was a very simple sign-up process on the website; it asked a few questions and then showed available appointment times, and he picked one (he’s getting his flu shot at the same time). There is not a shortage of the vaccine, the way there was in the spring. If you want a booster, make an appointment and get one. If you’re going to an area with a low vaccination rate I would definitely get a booster before traveling there.

    5. I feel like people in my city are just getting them if they are > 6 months from their last shot.

    6. Our local HN just announced boosters of all three brands as widely available, so here it’s no longer being vetted by “you must be X amount of sick” to get them.

    7. Yes. I thought CDC just said it was up to us if we weren’t in those categories. It’s not like they discouraged it.

      1. Is that true? Because, if so, that would change my perspective on it. I absolutely would like to get a booster, but don’t fall into any of the categories listed.

        2. It’s what my doctor said, but maybe she meant it was true for me because I have health conditions? But some of the “conditions” are some pretty common stuff (e.g., non-ideal A1C and non-ideal BMI).

    8. I’m not but there seems to be a vax-happy contingent that is about as rational as some of the anti folks and would happily get a booster a month if it was possible?

      I think if you’re looking at it from a strictly ethical standpoint, which is how you framed your question, you’re fine (although there is more to be said about whether pushing boosters when so many people world wide haven’t had access to any shots is ethical but that’s more of a macro problem than any one of us can solve by simply abstaining). I think the guidelines are purposefully broad to allow for as many people to get the third shots as want it. But I would ask your doctor because they’re probably in the best position to talk you thru the pros and cons of it all.

      1. I suspect you’d probably describe me this way, but I really don’t think equating the “vax happy” with the anti-vax is fair at all. I’m not getting a booster every month, but even if I were it harms no one (except possibly myself), which cannot be said of the anti-vax people. The pro-vax contingent is also far more grounded in science. There’s quite a bit of evidence that protection against infection wanes within 5-6 months and boosters reduce the odds of infection dramatically.

        As Leana Wen said, it really depends what your goal is. If you’re goal is not getting hospitalized and you’re young and relatively healthy, there’s no need for a booster right now. But if your goal is preventing infection, which I would argue is a perfectly reasonable goal especially given what we know about Long Covid and studies that suggest brain damage is relatively common from even mild infections, then yeah you want to take a booster every time it’s available to you.

    9. Based on my dr’s advice and the bountiful supply, I’m getting a booster before traveling for Thanksgiving. (8 months out from my 2nd dose.)

    10. I had similar reservations until I actually looked into it. There are tons of appointments available, you’re not jumping the line or taking someone else’s shot. Everyone who gets a booster helps dampen the surge we know we’ll have over the holidays (again).

      1. Yes, this. There are also entirely separate vials for kids 5-11 so please know that by getting a booster you’re not taking away vaccines from kids who are about to become eligible. I have a 5 year old I am desperate to get vaccinated ASAP, but getting a booster is not hurting the kids (as someone suggested here recently). On the contrary it helps them because there is more than enough vaccine to go around and dampening the amount of community spread is a good thing for everyone, especially kids who won’t be fully vaccinated for two months or more.

    12. I’m just gonna leave this here: I am in the front-line worker category and when I made my Pfizer booster appointment they took my word for it.

      1. And yes, agree that if you got a booster you wouldn’t be jumping the line because there were plenty of appointments available even in my high-vax area.

    13. I’m Immunocompromised so I got one in August. I didn’t have to show proof of my condition. I mentioned it and the pharmacist just waved his hand at me like “I don’t need to know.” So it’s a self-certification thing and if you feel you have a good reason for needing one now, no one is going to stop you. Just go for it.

      1. Yeah I’m not immunocompromised but I got one in August by (truthfully) telling a pharmacist I have an autoimmune disease. They really do not care.

    14. The front line categories are really broad – the university I work at sent us an email saying all students, faculty and staff are eligible, even though many of the staff (me included) WFH and don’t interact with students. Also anyone with a health condition is eligible, and it’s really broad and includes very common things like asthma and obesity. The vast majority of adults I know have gotten boosters or are planning to get them once they’re 6 months out from their second dose. If you’ll be seeing elderly folks, there would be no question in my mind that you should get a booster.

    15. Yes. There plenty of supply and too many idiots refusing to get vaccinated. I’m done waiting my turn. Got the booster weeks ago.

    16. Yes, a lot of people are ignoring the CDC guidelines. We suggested to my SIL and BIL that they get boosters because they’re flying to visit us at Thanksgiving and we have kids under 5 who won’t even have had a first dose by then. It was their choice, of course, but they were happy to do it and had no problem getting them at their local CVS despite not being in any of the official categories.

      Also it’s not just Pfizer, FYI. Moderna and J&J boosters are now available as well.

    17. I have a rare blood-clotting genetic disorder so I am considered high risk enough to be in line for a booster even though I am in my 30s. I also got my initial shot in January so the prescribed time had elapsed.

  17. Good Morning Hive, I’ll be visiting a friend in NYC next week and wanted some quick outfit suggestions. I’m coming from the midwest and have a very plain “mom in her 30’s” style lately which has only gotten more schlumpy during quarantine. I don’t care about being a fashionista but I do want to avoid looking like a total nerd in NYC. I was thinking that wearing mostly black would be a good choice but need help with a couple of specifics. What style gym shoes would be “cool” enough in black without being more than $100 or so? Are skinny jeans totally out of the question? I don’t mind getting some wide leg pairs but will not be going any wear near mom jeans. What style boots are folks wearing to casual dinners and lunches? TIA!!!

    1. Nobody is really going to be paying attention, you don’t have to try to impress a bunch of strangers if you don’t want to.

      1. On the other hand if you are taking this as an opportunity to get a little fancy – no shame!

        Signed, someone who took about 6 different outfits to my first 48-hour pandemic get away (in my slight defense, it was very hot so I did need fresh clothes during the day).

        I think I’d pay most attention to shoes (pick comfortable over cute because in NYC, one walks A LOT, but I firmly believe it is possible to find comfortable and cute shoes) and outerwear. I’m not saying go out and buy a new coat, but if you have something a little nicer than the coat you wear for carpool, and it’s weather appropriate, bust it out!

    2. I think you’re overthinking this :)

      You can wear anything you want and everyone does. That said – since you did ask – I would leave the skinny jeans at home and get a pair of black high waist straight leg jeans at Old Navy. Close enough to almost the same profile so you won’t feel weird but a little more current all the same. Most people don’t wear black sneakers (at least not for style purposes). I personally live in my Adidas Stan Smiths right now (by no means the hippest choice but I think also fine and within your budget). Any retro looking New Balance type sneakers will do. Boots are mostly flat ankle boots, Doc Martins and lug sole. Worn with everything from girly dressed to black jeans and slouchy sweaters. I think an easy but overlooked key to “blending in” right now is to not have everything fit too tightly.

    3. Advice from Philly… for the shoes – a little more than $100 but the Cole Haan Grandpros are pretty classic looking (black leather upper) and are super lightweight, though just OK on arch support. I see them somewhat regularly for casual errand running.

      That said I don’t think you need to worry about black sneakers. People are wearing a ton of different styles – retro NB a la JCrew’s offerings, Golden Goose (out of your price range but as an example of the look), “millennial pink” Adidas, etc. For boots, the combat / lug sole is the most trendy / current but otherwise flat Chelsea style, very rarely do I see anything with more than an inch or so heel.

      Skinnies aren’t the most current but – thanks to lots of threads here – I’ve been paying attention when walking around and the look for 30’s and 40’s women is still probably 75% skinnies to 25% bootleg or straight. The “mom jeans and crop top” look is really only seen on college / young 20 somethings.

  18. Just need to scream into the void for a moment. I’m in a high-risk, not-sure-the-vaccine-works-for-me group, but I had allowed myself to get cautiously optimistic that it was working (and I got a booster). Then I came across a new study, the largest one so far, showing that people with my condition not only don’t produce antibodies most of the time, they also don’t have proper B-cell or T-cell responses – the two “stopgaps” I was hoping for (and that my doctor hoped for) in case antibodies didn’t work. Don’t need advice, just wanted to vent this into the ether because everyone in my real life (with the exception of my positively wonderful husband) has moved on and doesn’t want to hear anything that isn’t “the pandemic is over.” I honestly feel devastated and so isolated that I don’t get to join that camp after I had foolishly gotten my hopes up.

    1. i am soo soo soo sorry. i am also sure that it is so hard to read things on this board of people encouraging others to go out and do things as if the pandemic is over. i have a relative who is in your shoes (her doctors have told her that getting covid will likely kill her and she is only in her 40s), just sent her twins off to college this year and is now freaking out about them coming home for thanksgiving (and rightfully so). i also have two very young kids who won’t be eligible for vaccination in the next round, but I wish that for you everyone else would get vaccinated and still behave sensibly so that people in your life can get a bit of a break. sending so so so many hugs.

    2. I am so sorry for this difficult news and the challenges that you continue to face. Your husband sounds like a fabulous partner.

    3. I’m so sorry. I have a high risk kid under 5 who won’t be vaccinated until next summer probably, and our family is staying locked down until she can be fully vaccinated, so it’s very hard to see so many people acting like the pandemic is over. But at least we have an end date (in the absolute worst case scenario, spring 2023 when she turns 5) and I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to deal with this. People are awful.

    4. I feel you. My situation is not as bad as yours but I take an immunosuppressive medication who knows whether my vaccinated self would be able to fight off a covid exposure. Most of my friends are great but my family aren’t and the attitudes on this board preaching that everyone more cautious than them is suffering from anxiety and needs a therapist are really depressing. These people probably think they’re empathetic too!

      1. Yeah, it’s been really hard. My family doesn’t seem to want to understand what I’m going through – it’s too much of a downer for them or something. It’s more of a downer to live it, though. Thank you all for your kind words.

    5. Are you on IV immunoglobulin replacement?

      If you are sick enough you need IVIG, then you will very shortly, if not now, be protected because COVID antibodies are going to be in your treatment. That’s great!

      If you make enough antibodies that you don’t need IVIG, then you are very lucky and are not as bad off as you think. And as the world is getting vaccinated, you will be gaining some protection. Were you wearing a mask before COVID and being ultracareful? Because in many ways if you are that severely immunocompromised you were high risk for pneumonia etc.. before COVID too and would just be continuing the same precautions, no?

  19. My net worth is over $100k! Half of that is in mutual funds/ETFs, and I know the market has been volatile lately so that may not last, but its still exciting for me. I also went $100 over on my shopping budget for this month already. So I’m not going to ask the shopping related question I had here since clearly that should wait until next month.

    2. I remember hitting that milestone and basically wanting to dance for two days. Congratulations!

  20. Has anyone bought shoes from Jon Josef? I’m looking for moderately chunky loafers that are sleek enough to wear with more feminine sheath dresses (so the office of angela scott isn’t really the vibe I’m going for). These looked like good candidates but didn’t want to drop $200 on a brand I’ve never heard of before. Other suggestions of styles/brands welcome too!
    https://www.jonjosef.com/products/new-penny-loafer-in-black-patent

    1. I feel like there is a $50 or sub-100 version of this I’d try first and rebuy nicer if this is something that has staying power. I can get 4+ years out of even cheap shoes and 6 out of nicer ones (nicer to me = Brooks Brothers for classic work shoes).

    2. Youngkin will likely take it. The education stuff is basically an in-kind contribution to him (including that insane WaPo op-ed arguing parents shouldn’t have control over kids’ education).

      Don’t love it, but I don’t hate Youngkin anywhere near the amount I do Trump – seems like he’ll be sensible enough. Not my vote, but not the end of the world.

  22. What pieces in your closet for work do you absolutely love and wish you wore more of?

    1. A black mock neck sleeveless dress. I wear it year round, probably once a week. I wish I had more, it’d totally become my uniform.

      I can wear it with sandals in the summer, and with tights/boots/sweater in the winter.

    2. I have a blazer that has a unique shape and can be thrown over any black or gray based dress/top and skirt/top and pants and look very professional and pulled together, but it is as comfortable as a cardigan. I wish I had it in other colors but it was only made in the original black/gray scheme.

      1. Oh, that reminds me – last fall I bought a black hooded blazer with faux leather sleeves and hood. It is super-cool, I need to find more reasons to wear it. It’s more of an outer layer than an indoor blazer.

  23. Another post about winter and social isolation. I am hoping for your creative ideas on how to bear the winter, and also some validation of my feelings. I moved a bit before the pandemic to a remote, smaller city known for bad (long, cold, dark, snowy) winters. I have next to no social contacts here (because people are not expanding their social contacts during the pandemic and for other reasons, like integrating into a new, smaller city is hard). I get bad SAD. Doing something social is not feasible for me, but that’s what I’m really missing. Before moving to smaller city, I was in Biglaw in Big City and that did not lead to me making or maintaining a good social network.

    To make matters worse, the job I started about a month before the pandemic is a really isolated job. I speak to my boss for maybe 10 minutes every two weeks. On the one hand I can do my job independently, on the other hand the job is so siloed/non-interactive/isolating itself that it is bad for my well-being. My company has not done much to address morale/the social isolation issues of remote work (we still have not been told when the office is reopening or if we will be hybrid, remote, etc.), and my sense is that there was low morale prior to the pandemic and people are just happy to have nothing to do with their coworkers/company culture/do anything extra to make new people feel included (rather they are taking the opportunity to do less). For a bunch of reasons, both specific to me and my industry, I can’t change jobs in the near-term.

    Any advice for how to bear this situation?

    1. I think that this is why Scandinavians have such an intense heavy metal culture. Anger to get you through the winter. And hockey. And saunas. Do what they do — they have a high standard of living despite cold temps and not much light for a lot of the year.

      But seriously, crank up the volume. It’s not going to hurt anything but your ears :)

    2. this all sounds really hard. first you need to get one of those lamps to help with SAD. also, see above re leaning into the winter. what do you like to do for fun? sometimes in smaller cities it can be easier to join a group related to your hobby. or find an online zoom class that meets weekly like the above poster with her art class

      1. I just got a new SAD lamp (the NYTimes had suggestions on the ones that have been peer reviewed and work vs. the small ones the size of an ipad). 30 minutes a day really does help a lot.

    4. So many ideas! Go eat dinner in a restaurant. Go to a coffee shop. Take up ballroom dancing. Join a ski club! If you are in a snowy area there are for sure groups of people doing snowy things together. Google meetups on your area and just do them. Suggest a neighborhood book club.

    5. I have friends in a similar situation. They moved into their new home in their new city about two weeks before shutdowns started. It has been emotionally very difficult.

      Can you plan regular visits to friends in other cities? Buy some cheap plane tickets to visit friends once a month? If you are still working remotely, you could even stay with friends or family for a week, working during the day and spending quality time together in the evenings and weekends. Even taking a Friday off and having a three day weekend makes such a difference.

      Antidepressants for SAD?

    6. Get a personal trainer. If you click well with them, it can satisfy a twice a week need to hang out with someone while you work out – think similar to small talk with co-workers while grabbing lunch. Or, if you want to lean into winter, consider private ice skating lessons. I’d also look for local adult classes that are 6 or 8 week series – art galleries are generally great for this – so you get to see the same people week after week.

    7. I don’t have advice, but I do have a lot of sympathy! I also moved right before the start of the pandemic and still know barely anyone in my new small city. I’m married, which makes it a little easier, but that comes with its own set of issues when you only interact with each other, all day long, for months on end. I’m sorry, it’s hard, and I wish you the best.

    8. Wanting to have local friends and not having them is so, so hard. I feel for you!

      When I lived in a city where I had few friends, I got into doing things by myself. I would do pretty much anything I wanted to do, I didn’t let having a small social circle hold me back. I went to museums, the movies, long walks, etc. solo. I stayed in touch with friends from my old city via remote book club, lots of calls and visits, etc.

      I love staying active, but used to hate winter because I hate the cold. Last year, I leaned hard into winter activities. I started skiing, I went ice skating, I took lots and lots of walks and hikes, and I joined an adult rec league for a sport. I also started knitting, cooking, reading more. This year I’ve started rock climbing. I’ve started volunteering. I’m not artistic, but a friend who is just started taking art classes in person.

      Long story short, identify what you like to do and do those activities solo. Worst case scenario: you keep doing them solo, but you might meet people there and befriend them!

    9. I could have written a good part of your post, so you have my commiseration. Covid is like a bad game of musical chairs where the music stopped and now we are stuck where we landed. And yes, nobody wants new friends right now. Long-distance friendships have suffered too, since there’s just nothing new to say.

      In-person gym classes were my lifeline last winter. The interactions aren’t deeply felt, but everyone is pretty upbeat. I also used to find the casual company of getting regular manicures and haircuts to be reassuring, back when I first graduated school.

    10. Have you thought about volunteering? I have upped my volunteer game during the pandemic (WFH has afforded me the extra time), and it has allowed me to socialize with people in both on-off situations as well as start to expand my friend circle. I agree that many people are not expanding their social networks, but some are, for a host of pandemic reasons (they moved, they got laid off and lost their work-friend circle, etc). Volunteering at places where I care about the mission and am likely to meet like-minded folks has been great for me (and since those folks are like-minded, they mask, are vaccinated, and up for outdoorsy stuff).

    11. Is there a local theater or orchestra or dance company or some form of arts organization? Those places are all indoors and often need people to show up and help volunteer or go to events! It may not be as glamorous as BigCity’s arts scene but you’ll maybe find it easier to make entry.

      Is there a faith community that you could join?

      I think this sounds so hard and I am wishing you so much luck.

  24. Plus-size ladies: what are the best faux leather pants this year? The Spanx ones sized up? Moto or matte to conceal jiggle? The newer suede or jogger ones? Some other brand entirely?

      1. Had a meet up with friends on Sunday and two of us were wearing them and a third said she almost did! They are super cute but not super comfy in my opinion.

    2. I am a 16 and I looooove the Spanx faux-leather leggings. I love how they feel on as well as how they look. I have two pairs, a brown and a black pair, and both are in heavy rotation. IME you do not need to size up; I followed the Spanx size chart and my recommended size is perfect. P.S., I tried other cheaper faux-leather leggings before I bit the bullet and bought the Spanx; waste of money.

      1. helpful, thanks! I’ve been looking at these but hadn’t bit the bullet yet. I have a pair of moto non-pleather leggings from like 5 years ago from Old Navy of all places and they are my absolute fave and of course no longer available and i am convinced they will wear out any moment so I’ve been wanting an upgrade.

  25. Soup. I struggle with it. When I get a really good soup I love it, but I find it hard to buy and while I’m otherwise a skilled cook, my soups are often meh. I’d love to improve, does anyone have a really good soup recipe, or cookbook, to share?

    1. Pinch of Yum recently did a whole soup series. I haven’t tried any of them yet, but I generally like the recipes from that site.
      I also like Once Upon a Chef. I made a corn chowder recipe from there recently that was pretty good.

    2. I love making soup and having it for lunches in the fall and winter. I am a diehard Americas test kitchen fan and swear by everything they do. My favorites from them are – Caldo Verde (with chorizo, collards(or kale) and potatoes. It’s actually more of a brothy soup than you might think based on the ingredients. Red lentil soup with warm spices, sweet potato soup, carrot ginger soup, and wild rice and mushroom soup. With the exception of the mushroom and rice soup, all of these have only a few ingredients and come together pretty quickly.

    3. Meh soups are often low on salt or fat, or are not built up in flavor.

      Boiled veg pureed in it’s cooking water is bland. Sauteed onion/carrot/celery/bacon/garlic with added, sauteed veg with spices, added broth, with salt, butter, parmesan salt and something crunchy added later: not bland.

      I like a contrast, like something sweet and spicy/hot, like carrot and ginger or pumpkin and chili pepper. Or creamy and salty, like leek, chickpea and parm.

    5. The curry butternut squash soup recipe from How Sweet Eats, but replace the butternut squash with sweet potatoes.

    6. A spoonful of white miso tends to up the yum factor of my soup. Sounds weird but works .

      1. Not at all weird! It adds umami. I learned this from a chicken noodle soup recipe that was published in Cooking Light years ago.

        1. Trader Joe’s and Costco both sell umami seasonings that work wonderfully in many contexts. It’s not soup weather here, so I haven’t tried our umami seasoning in soup yet, but I’m going to based on how much more flavor it added to a couple of crock-pot meals.

    7. I eat soup regularly because I’m on a vegan diet at least twice a week for religious reasons, and there are a ton of great vegan soup recipes. How to Cook Everything Vegetarian has a bunch of great ones, including a fantastic chickpea almond soup and a really good bean soup over homemade croutons.

      For non-vegan options, the White Chicken Chili recipe by Lisa Leake on Epicurious is fantastic (there are various same-named recipes, so make sure it’s that one).

      1. Just FYI you should really start calling those dietary days ‘plant based’ since veganism is a moral philosophy not a diet.

    8. We are 100% SOUP People. I love it in any weather – one of my best food memories is slurping a bowl of Pho on a hot, humid day in Saigon for breakfast.

      Recent family fave – Serious Eats Arroz Caldo.

    9. I find that I love tomato soups with onions in the base, but not celery. I also prefer adding sweet vegetables, like carrots and sweet potatoes. I also love making a southwest version with poblanos and onions for base and fire roasted tomatoes. Sometimes just figuring out a few bases you like makes all the difference; then you can add other veggies as you please.

      1. Ah, yes, and as mentioned below — layer the seasoning! Especially salt — make sure you salt your base and then your broth.

    10. So it’s not a ‘soup’ per se, but I use the broth recipe as the base of a fake thai-style soup. I add spinach towards the end, and dice up fresh tomatoes, cilantro, and carrots which get added in raw. It’s delightful and I love the crunchy fresh veggies for the textural contrast. Your taste may vary but I also add a healthy amount of fish sauce and peanut butter to bulk out the soup and give it a richer flavor.

      https://smittenkitchen.com/2019/05/braised-ginger-meatballs-in-coconut-broth/

    11. My tips for soup (from trial and error):
      1. If it feels bland, make sure it’s salted enough.
      2. If salty enough, add a splash of an acid – lemon juice or any kind of vinegar works!
      3. Use stock instead of plain water when starting to build flavor early.
      These usually help rescue my meh soups. Enjoy!

      1. All of this, plus collagen powder or some kind of anchovy or fish sauce for extra umami.

    12. The Kitchn’s Zuppa Tuscano is so good! It’s a kale sausage soup with potatoes. (I gather it’s a copy cat of an Olive Garden recipe).

    13. Ina Garten has never steered me wrong; lentil and sausage and her winter minestone soups are in my regular rotation. Also love the Kitchenette’s Roasted Carrot & Parsnip Soup with Lemon Ginger Cream (Do not skip the Lemon Ginger Cream).

    14. Google “The Many Lives of Roberto, a Soup” from the New Yorker.

      Also, you didn’t specifically ask for tips, but I find that my soups taste a lot better when I use a big Dutch oven to cook them and cook the onions/carrots/etc. for a bit longer than necessary on a very low heat at the outset. None of this saute onion for 2-4 minutes. It will just taste much richer. I also like seasoning the onion/carrot/whatever while it sautees (and tasting/adjusting throughout). If the recipe calls for adding whatever, I find already boiled is better than cold.

    15. I’ve enjoyed any soup recipe I’ve tried from both Cooking Classy and Dinner, then Dessert. I think the key is building layers of flavors.

    16. Cook your vegetables in your stockpot for a good 5-10 minutes before starting the soup. It significantly adds to depth of flavor. Sprinkle a little of the seasoning you’re using in the soup on the veggies and add a glug of olive oil while they cook first. Then add everything on top. You’ll be amazed how much flavor this adds. You can prep/assemble the other ingredients while these cook, so it doesn’t add much time to actual cooking.

    17. The answer is salt. I habitually underseason my food and I don’t really mind, except with soups. I have a weird mental block about adding salt, so I rely on things that are already salty or flavorful. Parmesan rinds are a great addition to a lot of brothy soups. I also make my own chicken broth using a store-seasoned rotisserie chicken (well, what’s left of it).

    18. I made chicken noodle soup in an electric pressure cooker for the first time last night and was blown away by how much better it was than any chicken soup I’d ever made. I used chicken thighs for the meat, and other than that, just followed the recipe on the cuisinart website. I credit the pressure cooker.

    19. I love soup and my favorite to make is stuffed pepper soup. I think this recipe is perfection and like it more than any restaurant version. Brown a pound (or more if you like it meaty) of ground beef with minced garlic, add a diced Spanish onion, and salt and pepper. Then add one 28 oz can of tomato sauce, one 28 oz can of diced tomatoes, 3 diced green peppers, 2 beef bullion cubes, 3/4 cup uncooked brown rice. Salt and pepper to taste. Bring to boil and then simmer for at least one hour (longer if possible).

  26. I could use some (probably virtual) coaching for my private practice. The last year totally upended my practice area. I think there is opportunity for me to grow in private practice but I need to market differently. Otherwise, I want to purposefully job search in the next couple years. Any suggestions for a coach or law-specific resource? I am in the middle of the country in a fairly small capital city so no local resources.

    1. This coach has a good reputation — based in Denver but works all over. Caveat, I have not used her personally (spaces to avoid mod): https : // practicelawfully . com/

  27. We eat soup at least twice a week and I love it. I highly recommend Marcella Hazan’s lentil and minestrone soups. Easy, healthy and delicious, and the recipes are foolproof. I think the key to a good soup is layering the seasoning. These recipes kind of walk through that process which I found helpful when I took on more cooking during lockdown.

  28. A good, reputable recruiter with whom I have a previous relationship reached out about a job. It’s a smaller company but I have a really good friend that works there. It’s not a job that is a 100% layup because I didn’t think I was quite ready to leave my current gig, but it’s intriguing and the type of role I’d take when I was ready to go. Current job is kind of a PITA but I make great money and always figured I’d sock away a nice next egg for another 3-5 years before jumping. Odds are less than 50% that I’d want to take it if we ever got to that stage.

    Is it wrong/bad if I talk to friend about the job or do I have to work through recruiter exclusively since she made me aware of it? It’s someone I could get some off-the-record intel from and figure out if it’s something I’d want to pursue or if I’m even a true fit for the gig. He’s not directly involved in hiring so I don’t think it would create awkward or conflict for him. He’s actively worked to poach people from my firm before – very small, insular niche industry in a large city so this happens with some frequency.

  29. The last year I’ve found that DH’s childhood was…quite frankly, a lot bleaker than I ever realized. Instability (divorce, re-marriages, and a lot of temporarily blended family as a result), not a lot of nurturing/empathy, not a ton of modeling of “good” partnership in his home (he’d go to grandparents for that).

    Of course I knew about some of this before, but due to a few factors it’s come largely in focus. We’ve also been working out of our own nadir, and now I can recognize some of his reactions/thought processes are based on childhood stuff of his own (thanks, couple and individual therapy). He recognizes that he will need more therapy in the future.

    I’m a people-pleasing empath who very quickly will make other’s happiness my MISSION…and while I want to be supportive and empathetic, I don’t want to repeat past patterns of my own. Any advice? I do plan to continue my own therapy journey. We have 2 small kids, 2 big jobs for context, and a very supportive family (on my side).

    1. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. Continue to learn how to communicate better. How to understand where the other is coming from.

      Don’t be like my sister (who is now getting a divorce) and make your spouse’s history of childhood neglect all about you and how “betrayed” you feel that he wasn’t more open before now (not that you would, but if you have any inclination in that direction then confront it and deal with it asap).

    3. I’m not sure how helpful this response is, but I am your DH. I had a very rough childhood – am only realizing now how challenging it was – and my husband’s was much…milder. What I wish is that he could acknowledge when my behavior (particularly when it’s maladaptive) is related to my childhood. I don’t need him to give me an “excuse” or a “pass,” but I do wish he could identify the connection.

      1. I had a rough childhood economically – there were worries about not having a roof over our heads, having enough money to buy groceries, etc – and the worst thing my husband can do is try to relate to me from his own relatively privileged childhood. His anecdotes are along the lines of “my parents bought me clothes from Sears while my peer group was wearing name brands like Levi,” andit is not. the. same. Not even in the same universe.

        So, OP, don’t do that. Listen more than you talk. Don’t try to fix it (and I am a fixer so I know how hard that is to do) but just be there for him.

      2. So am I! I’m in individual therapy and have been for a while to work on thought patterns that originated in childhood. I don’t want a pass, I want understanding. In connection with that, I want him to know that my reactions/perceptions aren’t necessarily about him. I also want those parts of me to be seen and acknowledged so I don’t feel like I have to hide them (reduces the shame–people can have lots of shame about maladaptive thought patterns), can openly discuss how they affect me/him/our relationship, and share when I’m making progress or trying a new approach.

        One more thing — no matter how much of an empath you are, you’ll never be able to succeed at making him “happy” on a long-term, sustainable level just by making it your mission and trying to do the things we typically think of as things that make others “happy.” There is no amount of pleasing him or prioritizing him or being nice or loving or sweet or that will create the change that he needs— the best thing you can do is be supportive/understanding as he does the work to change his thought processes.

        1. You said it better than I – my behavior and perceptions aren’t always about DH. That’s a good thing for OP to know.

        2. This is great. I’m QUEEN of taking things and making myself at fault (or even better, making them about myself), and it’s something I’m working on and will continue to do so.

          I spent years trying to make him (and others) “happy” by just overfunctioning, letting things go, and not ever expressing a negative feeling…and of course that worked terribly, and then I’d just burst at the odd time because I felt unseen/unappreciated.

          3. I don’t think it is all that self-centered or unusual. It’s hard for anyone to feel like they have no control over something, so sometimes blaming ourselves for things is the easier path. It’s called magical thinking – I can fix this problem since I caused it, I have control. Accepting that bad things happen randomly, that things that have nothing to do with you have already happened, that some people are never going to be fixed – these are all hard to accept in our culture. I’ve been through it. It really is all about acceptance and where do we go from here?

      3. On the flip side, don’t make every disagreement about how damaged your husband is.

      4. Yep – also me. My childhood was way worse than I gave it credit for in the moment (lots of really messed up manipulation and growing up way too fast by necessity). I think acknowledging it is helpful, but also not *judging*. I had a long term boyfriend from a very happy “ideal” family and there was a lot of judgement underneath his sympathy – as though because my family was kind of messed up, I was messed up. No, I just had not ideal reactions to certain things, but I’d also argue that I handled other situations much better than he did because I had a higher tolerance for chaos (think a really intense industry).

    5. I’m your DH. Here’s what helps:
      1. Understanding is not the same thing as approval. I don’t need DH to approve of my (sometimes dysfunctional) reactions and thought processes; I do, however, need him to understand where it comes from.

      2. On the flip side, DH isn’t perfect and I don’t mean this defensively. He has stars in his eyes about his parents’ marriage (50 years) and it really sucks. If we have a problem and I calmly and rationally bring it up, he will hear calm and rational and assume it’s not a problem because his parents are calm and rational and don’t have problems. If his parents went through something that stresses even great marriages, he doesn’t see it as a problem because this is a hallmark of strong marriages. Yes, I’m ready to divorce.

      1. This is so helpful. I like how you framed understanding vs. approval. I’ve sometimes wondered if something was “missing” that seems so easy and normal for other couples, and now I realize it’s as a result of his own childhood…but at the same time I now, FINALLY understand that I am also able to advocate for my needs WHILE being understanding. Now, the tough thing is figuring out what my needs are at times because again…people pleasing is my go-to, and it ends up becoming more damaging in the long run.

        Fortunately, I’m 100% not perfect (hello, chronic anxiety, thank you Zoloft!), and while my parents had a largely happy and successful marriage, the lows were very low and I remember that.

        I hope your DH has a change in perspective (if that’s what you want).

        1. Your earlier posts do not sound people-pleasing at all. It sounds like you are making everything about you and demanding all sorts of acclamation and approval from your husband for your self-sacrifice in putting up with a spouse who is damaged goods.

        2. Oh, I hear you on people-pleasing being a go-to. That is going to be especially hard with a husband who comes from a dysfunctional family.

          Remind yourself that in order for your marriage to function, you have to both be on a long-term, stable track. If something can’t go on forever, you’re often better off making an adjustment now rather than years or decades down the road.

  30. Idk how I missed this headline, but boosters have been recommended for all J&J recipients regardless of their jobs or immunocompromised status, as long as your shot was more than 2 months ago. Here I was worrying whether TTC is enough reason to get a booster now rather than wait until it’s open to everyone. Thanks, media, for burying info about J&J shots in basically a footnote in your articles.

      1. Eh not the OP but I think it’s been fairly buried. The messaging on boosters in general has been atrocious.

        1. The CDC’s vaccine homepage says “CDC now recommends that certain people are now eligible to receive a COVID-19 booster shot, including those who received Moderna and Johnson & Johnson/Janssen COVID-19 vaccines.” … “certain people”
          It’s not at all clear or well-publicized that anyone who got J&J can be boosted.

  31. So excited for 2 weeks in Hawaii at the ends of the year—divided between big island and Maui. Any suggestions for packing? In a time of COVID is it worth having my own snorkel?

    1. I think it’s worth having your own snorkel anyway – anything you buy yourself is going to be better than the rentals. Personally, as someone who likes to float on the surface and look around, I 100% recommend the full face mask style. Not having to have the tube stuck in my mouth makes it SO much more comfortable!!

    2. We just got back from the BI less than a month ago. It was great there. The BI has indoor masking (and we masked in some outdoor places too, if we saw others doing it or the business had signs up asking people to do so) so make sure you bring your masks. Other than that the only things I packed (and I didn’t need anything else) were multiple bathing suits, hiking shorts and shirts, hiking boots, flip flops, and some shorts, linen pants, and casual tops for the rare occasions when we actually ate in a restaurant (vs. picnicking at the beach). I brought a collapsible insulated picnic basket this time, with a zip top, vs. using plastic bags from the grocery store as a picnic basket, which was great and I’ll definitely do that in the future.

      We did buy our own snorkel equipment and it was totally worth it, IMO. FYI many tour operators won’t allow full-face snorkel masks on their trips because of safety issues. We bought standard equipment off Amazon and it worked fine. We went snorkeling every day of our trip, one day off a catamaran on an organized trip and the other days we just went out to the beach on our own.

      FYI, we did not encounter long wait times to get into restaurants, need for reservations, etc. in Kona but there have been reports of that on some travel websites. Food at the grocery stores is typically expensive on the BI but it was even more so this time; a gallon of milk was $11. We go to the BI for outdoor adventures – snorkeling, swimming in the ocean, hiking, etc. so I can’t tell you much about organized activities or tourist sites but definitely check anything you want to do BEFORE you make plans on a particular day because we did notice some places are closed or on abbreviated hours. Additionally, this is a bridge season in Hawaii (up to the week of Thanksgiving) and some business owners take vacation during this time, although we spoke to several who were very happy to see us as business had been pretty slow for awhile.

      Also: I’m sure you’ve researched this but make sure you have your vaccination paperwork together and you have all your info filled out on the Hawaii travel website BEFORE you leave your house for the airport. Make sure you have your login for the Hawaii travel website saved on your phone (or memorized) and you can access your account easily. You need your travel authorization QR code not just to leave the airport in Hawaii but also to pick up your rental car and check into your hotel. We flew American and we went through Safe Travels processing in the Dallas airport, before we even boarded the plane to Kona. Doing that, we got a wristband indicating we were processed, but still had to show the website info at the rental car place and our hotel. Some people didn’t go through processing in the departing airport; in that case you have to get processed when you get off the plane in Hawaii. The last thing I want to do after a 6+ hour flight is stand in a line getting paperwork processed; if you feel the same I recommend getting processed at the mainland airport.

    3. I bought my own snorkel/mask for a trip this summer because of Covid concerns, but was glad I bought it mainly because it was so much better than any rental I’ve gotten. I got mine at a dive shop where they took the time to help make sure the mask fit was right. It was fairly expensive, but not that much more than a daily rental would have been.

      (I also bought fins, but those you’re probably fine to rent)

    4. It’s absolutely worth having your own snorkel regardless of Covid. There’s lot of great shore snorkeling in Hawaii that you don’t need to take a tour to see. I guess you could rent one but a two week rental is likely to be comparable to buying, and adds one more thing to your to-do list once you arrive. I never travel to a tropical destination, especially Hawaii, without my own snorkel.

      1. +1 to buying being comparable to or cheaper than renting. We bought snorkel kits (that were much nicer than the ones we rented last time on the BI) for about half of what a week-long rental would have cost, and now we have the kits for when we travel to other destinations.

    5. We’re going to the Big Island after Christmas too!

      For two weeks, I’d make sure to have beach gear that you can leave in the rental car. One of the joys of Hawaii is exploring a bit and finding beaches that aren’t connected to big hotels. I really like having hat/swimsuit/towel/snorkel in the car so that you can take advantage of that. Most of these will probably be easy to buy on your first day on the island.

      I would pack sturdy shoes for hiking, and water shoes for snorkeling on rockier beaches – especially for the Big Island.

      Other than that, just bring shorts, t shirts, swimsuits, and a few dresses for evenings out. The last couple of times I was there, it felt like people really “dressed up” for dinners – lots of maxi dresses and sundresses, lots of aloha shirts and nicer shorts.

      Finally, bring a lot of patience – my understanding is that the service/food industry in Hawaii is stressed (as it is everywhere in the US).

      Have so much fun!

  32. Teen Q, feel free to scroll past.

    I was happy when my 9th grader’s school opened and has stayed open this year. He seemed to be a mere kid the last prior time he was in school. Now, the stakes are higher and it is pretty clear that the school personnel are overwhelmed. They are short staffed and even though he has an IEP, we’ve never worked with the counselor b/c she is dealing with a lot of kids much worse off than our kid, pregnant kids, kids with no food at home, periodic lockdowns, and covering classes that don’t have teachers b/c they can’t get subs (big city public schools where counselors are more like social workers than private school college counselors who are just dealing with Haverford vs SMU vs food stamps vs food bank). So, given that kid already has some struggles, it looks like we will need to go the private college counselor route just to get someone to return e-mails and calls (and hopefully to help sort our realistic options and schools to visit and help reinforce keeping kid on track with testing and applications). My FB and IG feeds are now full of college counselors (I guess I voiced this or typed it into a search engine). Does anyone have tips on separating out the good from the bad from the scammy (the Varsity Blues guy, who apparently had some legit clients)? I feel like my local mom tribe ties are strained after the pandemic plus people keep teen problems / challenges very close to the vest (and there is the reality that kids are competing against each other for State U slots). We can’t afford a private school but could spend some money for someone who will help guide us, give a rough timeline of what we should be doing with a 9th grader, etc.

    1. If your kid goes to public school and you want any support with college applications, you will need to hire a private college counselor. It has nothing to do with COVID or your child’s IEP. No public school has the resources to help with essays, identifying the college that’s the right fit, etc.

      As a starting point, read The Price You Pay for College, plus Who Gets in and Why.

    2. is there a local facebook group of moms where people post things like this. there is where i live. do you have any friends with kids who aren’t the exact same grade as your kid who you can talk to? as a 9th grader your kid should be focuses on school, some extracurriculars and summer plans, and figuring out when and which standardized tests to take.

      1. Curious — do kids figure this out on their own? Or does someone tell you? I can’t recall who told me or if I got something in the mail and signed up for the SAT. My school wasn’t really a sending-kids-to-college sort of high school, so kids might need some adult input vs figuring it out.

        1. When we were kids, we figured it out on our own. This is not the way it happens anymore.

    3. It’s about two years too soon to worry about this. Let the young man do high school without all this pressure to get the jump on things.

        1. Concur. You need to ensure that he takes the PSATs, takes appropriate classes for SAT subject tests, develops extracurricular activities that ideally span all four years, and takes appropriate classes to be on track for whatever he is thinking of studying in college.

          2. “Do you have a kid in high school right now?”
            I’m sure the answer to that question is “no,” given that our most enthusiastic providers of parenting advice generally don’t have children at all.

        3. It’s true if he’s not aiming for Ivies or other elite private colleges. The vast majority of kids in our local public schools, even many straight A students, just go to our state universities and most kids don’t really think about college until 11th grade. Earlier prep is only needed for kids who want to go to a private college out of state. Even the PSAT is fall of 11th right? And that’s really not necessary unless your child is National Merit Scholar-level, which is a tiny group of kids.

          1. That is BS. In Texas UT won’t take you unless you’re in the teeniest tiniest top % of your class. It’s harder and harder to get into any UC in California. I have a freshman and a junior in college right now. Unless you’ve personally been through this recently, you don’t know.

          2. I don’t know as much about Texas but I’m aware the UCs are extremely competitive to get into, I would put them more on par with the Ivies or other top private colleges in terms of the admissions process. But the vast majority of states have public universities that are far easier to get into than the UCs. CA also has the Cal State system, which is easier to get into the UC and perfectly respectable. No one NEEDS to go to Harvard or UC Berkeley to be successful in life and the vast majority of people don’t go to a school that prestigious and turn out fine.

            Our public school district is top-ranked in our state and over 60% of graduates are admitted to one of our state’s flagship public universities. Another 20-25% go to one of the lower ranked public schools or community college. I work in the school district and it’s highly unusual for a child to be doing much if anything formal to prepare for college before 11th grade unless they’re laser focused on going to an Ivy or a very prestigious out of state public school like UC Berkeley or Michigan. Even among the Ivy/”public Ivy” set, private college counseling is not really a thing.

          3. I concur. I honestly think college counselors, test prep, etc is unnecessary for many kids unless they’re really trying to get into a stretch school or they family is clueless and needs guidance on what kinds of colleges to apply to. I really feel that the whole hoopla is more to assuage parental anxiety for those of us who are Type A. I mean all you need to do to take the PSATs is to register for the test and show up. That’s really it. You don’t need to micromanage their class load – maybe if they’re not taking calculus it’s a sign that a career in engineering may not be for them. It’s ok if your kid isn’t a national merit scholar. Truly.

          4. We are in a “good” school district in VA, which has some excellent public universities that are very competitive and some pretty lackluster ones. Our high school guidance counselors steer all the kids towards one particular school, with the result that it is jokingly called “[High School] U.” This school pretty much only produces teachers, which is not the right career path for every student. Only a handful of kids are admitted to UVA or W&M each year, and all of them begin college planning well before junior year and have extensive parental support. Our district actually advises students NOT to prepare for the PSAT in the eleventh grade, with the result that it averages only one National Merit semifinalist per year in a total high school population twice the size of my public high school, which had eight (so the expectation for this school district should be 16). I trust none of the very limited information about the college application process that comes home from school.

          5. Yep. And let me tell you as someone who went to one of those elite colleges, the kids who became National Merit Scholars just by showing up and taking the test are the kids who succeed at elite colleges. If you need private tutoring to score well on the PSAT or the SAT for that matter, you may get into your “stretch” school but you won’t fare that well when you get there and discover that 80% of your classmates got the same score just by showing up on the day of the test. It is doing your kid a massive disservice (both emotionally and in terms of their future career success) to buy their way into a school where they’re not in the same intellectual league as others.

          6. I take the view that my kid isn’t getting into Harvard anyway, so we aren’t going to make his life miserable trying. However, there’s a whole lot of schools between Harvard and our local state U in terms of quality, many of which offer substantial merit scholarships, great curricula, and opportunities that aren’t available at local state U.

            There are a handful of states with state flagships meeting the following criteria: good, affordable, and probably guaranteed admission for solid students (top 30% of their class or so). Our state U meets the last two criteria but not the first; it’s not even in the top 50 public universities.

            I went to one of those very elite (think, <20% admission rate) East Coast universities and a T25 law degree. My husband went state U undergrad (different state) and high-powered doctorate. We would feel crummy if our indifference meant that our kid did not have the same options that we did.

          7. We live in one of those states with a very decent (top 20 public), affordable state university where admission is pretty much a sure thing for kids in the top third of their class at a good public high school. There’s basically no college pressure on kids here (except self-inflicted pressure) because the state option is so solid and accessible. It’s honestly one of my very favorite things about living here. On the flip side, it’s a red state with a terrible pandemic response so you can’t win ’em all…

          8. This is a reply to Anon at 10/26/2021 AT 2:59 PM – good grief, I went to a high school like this and I think my kids’ school will do the same. They are focused on “kids going to college or trade school,” but there is no support for a kid who could go to Yale OR Nonflagship State U.

          9. Anon at 2:59, you don’t need to “prepare” for the PSAT and if you need preparation for it, you shouldn’t be taking it. The vast majority of high school students do not take the PSAT and go on to have perfectly fine lives; the few who should be taking it are gifted or extremely bright high-achievers and don’t need to prepare.

      2. In this crowd, I would expect doing things early and often, and in case of another pandemic-variant disruption like for the kids who are seniors now.

        Is the PSAT a thing now? IIRC, that’s before junior year, so waiting that long seems OK for people who are not really plotting out a safety-likely-reach series of schools or even places to visit over spring break. [A mom I know is blogging her kids’ college visits and it is like a huge cross-country road trip of college towns. Fun, but she doesn’t work.]

        1. There are two PSATs: the PSAT 8/9 and the PSAT/NMSQT. I don’t know what the point of the PSAT 8/9 is unless you are using it to qualify for summer programs. I think it’s mainly a cash cow for the College Board. We had our kid skip it in ninth grade because of COVID.

          The PSAT/NMSQT is administered in the fall of 11th grade and is the National Merit qualifying test. Kids can take it in 10th grade for practice, but it only counts for National Merit in 11th grade. Many kids who are in the running for National Merit finalist status will have taken the actual SAT before they take the PSAT, to qualify for summer or enrichment programs.

          1. This is a good answer. Also, expect to be inundated with promotional mailings from colleges once your kid sits for the PSAT/NMSQT. You may find some colleges even offer scholarships or invite you to apply for special honors programs based on the PSAT score alone. If you don’t have a good sense of what kinds of schools your kid is interested in, going through the mailings might be a good way to start to get a sense of their taste.

          2. “This is a good answer. Also, expect to be inundated with promotional mailings from colleges once your kid sits for the PSAT/NMSQT. You may find some colleges even offer scholarships or invite you to apply for special honors programs based on the PSAT score alone.”

            My son took a practice PSAT (he is in the first semester of 10th grade) and scored a 1350. We are already getting inundated with emails, letters and calls from colleges. It feels way too early to me for him to be considering his options and even thinking about making some kind of college “commitment.” He doesn’t even have a full driver’s license yet. I am trashing everything and told him he can feel free to do the same. We’ll revisit when he takes the “real” PSAT next year, in 11th grade.

      3. It’s different now. Kids have to identify their top choice school before senior year and apply early decision or early action in the fall. Colleges are gaming their yield rates and avoiding having to award financial aid by admitting huge proportions of their classes through early decision, which is binding on the student regardless of the financial aid offer.

        1. EA/ED is a little more nuanced than this. EA isn’t binding, for starters, and ED isn’t binding if you can’t afford it. Its effect on financial aid is counterintuitively more important at need-blind schools: they admit huge numbers through ED, almost all of whom are full pay, so that they can admit the other half of the class “without regard to need.”

          Getting into top schools when you aren’t EA/ED can be an uphill battle. Top schools want kids from all 50 states, kids from diverse backgrounds, a full orchestra, a competitive baseball team, etc. If you’re from Wyoming and play the French horn, and you apply early decision, that school has now locked in a kid from WY and a French horn player. Good for you; hard luck for the next batch of Wyoming kids and French horn players.

          1. “ED isn’t binding if you can’t afford it.” Who decides whether you can afford it–the school or the family?

          2. +1 to the thing about Wyoming and French Horn players. I am not from Wyoming, but I’m from a similarly small state. I applied to Yale and I was heartbroken when I didn’t get in. My parents called the Yale alum I’d interviewed with (yes, a bit of helicopter parenting but I was distraught and they wanted to help) and he told them that basically Yale could only take a handful of people from my state and they had a girl from my state who did the same (fairly rare, not NCAA) sport, and she was a legacy so she “beat” me for the single “girl from___ who plays ___ sport” slot. He said it was just $hitty luck and in any other year I would have gotten in. Definitely possible he just said it to be nice, but I’ve heard similar things from people who work in college admissions. I got into plenty of other great schools and have had a fine life but the randomness of the process is so frustrating.

    4. Claster Educational is a name I picked up here from someone who used them with their high-schooler. I signed up for email updates, and then my son ended up taking one of their “homework tips” seminars over the summer. She has a newsletter she sends out periodically with very down-to-earth, low-key tips for high schoolers at each level. I may end up paying for some advisement soon.

    5. My kids will go a similar high school and my tentative plan is to discreetly ask around in the community to see who is considered “good” at college counseling in the area (there are some local loons with opinions I’d like to avoid). I wouldn’t worry too much about running afoul of a Varsity Blues-type counselor unless you are spending in the high five figures or more. My understanding is that nearly all of the kids attended private schools or public schools in $$$$ areas.

      FWIW, I have one kid who gets super grades but tends to be more “meh” on standardized tests, so I am more inclined to spend money on test prep (I did a course that was helpful when I applied to colleges) as opposed to a counselor who can tell me the difference between Macalester and Wash U of St. Louis.

  33. Question for the 50+ year olds: what should I stop spending my money on because I won’t want them during menopause? (Does it get better after menopause?) Cashmere sweaters — flannel sheets — suede…

    1. Flannel pajamas/ loungewear, fleece robes, and wool turtlenecks might be too warm. Merino wool sweaters and thin cashmere are prob. going to be OK.

      I’m still waiting for it to get better.

    2. But everyone is different. I had exactly ONE hot flash during the whole process and I am still cold far more often than I’m hot.

    3. I am one of those people who is cold-natured and I’m 51 and still cold. Metabolism is about half of what it is, so more like watch your portions if you’re not heating up. Budget more for hair — gray hair is to me just harder to maintain. It’s dryer / coarser / looks rough before the non-gray (even if you color it).

    4. When you look at sweaters, think cardigan instead of pullover. It’s not that you don’t get cold, just that you sometimes need to remove layers quickly.

      1. +1 layers, layers, and more layers

        Also, clothing that doesn’t touch your body for summer. My boxy linen tops are never going to be the height of flattery but at least I don’t want to rip them off my body and go naked instead.

      2. Exactly this. I run cold, and I live in wool sweaters of various layers. I stopped wearing the pullover ones when the hot flashes started.

    5. Clothes. I refreshed my work wardrobe right before going through menopause and then went up a size and totally changed shape. With hindsight, I should have bought the bare minimum.

    6. I’m 55 and my last period was 2.5 months ago, but I’d be shocked if I don’t have another. I haven’t changed my consumption habits due to peri or impending menopause. I haven’t had a single hot flash. I do wear only flat shoes and boots, but that’s because apparently my family has problem feet.

    7. I’m only just now getting pre-menopausal, but I think it depends on whether you run hot or cold. My mom has always run super cold and I don’t recall her ever being too warm, even when she was going through menopause. Now she’s well past menopause (in her 60s) and runs colder than ever before. I was with her in Hawaii this summer and she wore a jacket to the beach. In 80 degree weather.

    8. I mean, I’m in medical menopause and have hot flashes, but I still love at that stuff. I don’t find I run hot all the time. I mean, I’m still me…

  34. Yesterday’s post about a significant dating age gap has me thinking about my own situation, where I’m dating a good friend who is about a decade younger than me (I’m late 30s). Any anecdata or advice about an age gap going the other way? We’re both having a great time since we were already such good friends and have the same friend group, but it’s always in the back of my mind that the age gap is significant enough it might cause problems down the road.

    1. 1. 10 years is COMPLETELY different than 30 years and wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for most people, including.
      2. Women outlive men and generally have fewer health issues in old age, so to the extent you’re worried about caregiving/end of life, older woman/younger man is better than the reverse. Older woman/younger man is also better for intimacy since women peak s*xually a lot later in life.
      3. The big issue here is kids – if you are late 30s, your window to have biological kids is closing reasonably soon. Do you want kids? If you want kids, are you ok with adoption or donor eggs? Do you think he will be ready to be a dad in his early 30s, or are you ok delaying parenthood till your mid-40s? (Female fertility issues aside, I wouldn’t want to have kids much past 40 – I don’t want to be in my 60s when they finally leave the house).

      If you don’t want kids or he’s ready to be a dad earlier than most of his friends, I wouldn’t blink an eye at the age difference in your situation.

      1. My BF is 6 years younger and we have been together 10 years (I know that is no guarantee of the future). Being on the same page about kids is the major key, I agree. Also, if you are at a career differential, such as he is more junior at his place of work versus where you are at yours, in my case I always made sure he felt 100% included at any work events. Otherwise have fun!

    2. Do you want to get married and have kids? Does your significant other want to get married and have kids? Is his/her time line the same as yours? One of my best friends “wasted” (her words, not mine) many years in her early 30s dating someone five years younger than her….she was 30-35 when they dated and he was 25-30. They ultimately broke up because he wasn’t ready for a family and she was. Every situation is different of course, but she found it difficult to be single and starting over at 35.

  35. Why does the “What Not to Wear to Work” headline link to a post from 2016?

        1. When I click the link in the slider, on the home page, and in the RSS feed it’s all going to the newer post.

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