This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
These Cole Haan pumps are some of the top sellers at Zappos right now, and I can see why – they've got a sleek, polished look, and come in a ton of nice neutral colors. Fashion trends are all over the place right now with regard to heels — I've seen pointy toed, square toed, and these are almond toed… I've seen block heels and stiletto heels (and wedge-like architectural heels).
The $160 shoe is 80mm high (just over 3″), and comes in sizes 5-11 in 6 different colors at Zappos (note that a lot of the reviewers note that one of the beiges is closer to a pink). Nordstrom and Dillards both have some colors on sale for $97.
{related: check out our Guide to Comfortable Heels!}
Psst: I'm updating our widget on nude heels (below) and thought I'd mention that the Banana Republic Madison pump seems to be down to 2 colors and final sale — if it was one of your Holy Grail heels swing by the sale or your local store and see if you want anything.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
2024 Update: Some of our latest favorite nude heels for every skin tone include the following — see the full post for all the details!
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anonymous
For those who grew up within a certain religion or culture (does not matter which one) AND you were raised to marry within said religion or culture but you chose not to, can you talk about how things worked out with your family long term – meaning parents, inlaws, siblings, grandparents on both sides etc. I know most often where a family doesn’t accept your choice of spouse because he isn’t the same whatever, that fighting tends to happen before the wedding and then in relation to the wedding – as people get upset that you aren’t doing things according to your exact religious or cultural traditions and instead are doing a combination of traditions with your spouse.
But how did it go long term? Like did your family come around? Are they involved with your kids? Or is it constant comments on – well you aren’t even raising your kids as x religion or they know nothing about OUR culture (even if the kids do know are grandparents/long lost aunts still criticizing)? Did you end up backing away from both or either of your families?
Anonymous
I wouldn’t worry about my family, as I know I can shrug off anything they say or do. I would worry a lot about the partner, though. I would want to be very sure that the marriage came first and the family of origin came second. And I don’t know how you can ever really be sure about that.
Anon
One of my best friends is from a family where there is a culture of arranged marriages. They have lived in the US for decades. All 3 kids married outside of their culture (which is 99% also equal to marrying outside of their religion). By kid #3, no big deal. BUT one thing that has been noticed is that there is a strong preference for sons (like grandsons), so the only grandson was welcomed with a fanfare that the 4 prior granddaughters had not been. Some traditions die very hard even among the tolerant.
Anonymous
This obviously varies by family. I’m Muslim and while we aren’t a super practicing family (some of the elders pray 5 times/day, most younger people do not; no one covers – just for context), sad to say it but the outsider white son in law is never REALLY welcomed into the extended family, not even once there are kids. Sure that couple’s immediate parents will be nice to them because they still want to see their daughter and the grandkids but ultimately even decades into it, they act like they have nothing to say to their son in law (as if they haven’t worked outside the home for 4 decades with all kinds of white guys in white collar jobs and made an effort to chit chat). And the extended family like aunts/uncles/cousins just never stop judging even decades into the marriage. So at best if that couple comes to events the son in law is ignored and the party goes on in our native language and maybe some young cousins notice and chat with him in English or at worst if they come over, it’s uncomfortable silence. So yeah the couple obviously pulls away and does their own thing as a nuclear family, develops its own family of choice.
But it isn’t like this in ALL families. A very close friend of mine is Hindu and married a white guy and her parents and extended family have been 100% accepting; he goes to their homes and feels comfortable, everyone speaks English so he’s included the whole time, and they hang out like normal people hang with a son in law. And I’m betting when they have kids the parents and extended family will 100% stay quiet regarding how much Hinduism the kids are taught or not. I feel like that family is more interested in being a family rather than being “right” or tradition or doing things “our way.”
Anon
My dad is Jewish and his family basically cut him off for marrying a non-Jew (my mom). I think it was basically total estrangement before I was born. My birth changed things, but they never had a good relationship again. I met my grandparents a few times but we never developed a relationship and my dad and I weren’t in the will when they died. I think it’s so sad and short-sighted to cut your children off over that. The funny thing is I identify as Jewish, married a fully Jewish guy and we are raising our kids Jewish, so basically what they were so worried about never even came to pass. (Technically our kids are not Jewish because their maternal grandmother is not, but Reform temples aren’t as rigid about the matrilineal stuff.) But of course we will accept their future partners regardless of religion (and race, gender, etc.)
Ellen
I think you can be whatever you want to be, and if you are growing your kids up Jewish, so be it. I know I had many opportunities to meet people of all races, religions and national origins, but I have leaned toward trying to meet someone who will please my Dad. I know he was not happy with my choices, but that was based not on religion, but because they were losers, some of whom were Jewish. I really thought I found an eligible guy with Alan, but he turned out to be a self serving drunk. I also liked a guy who was Hispanic, but he was not interested in anything but having me pull my panties down for him. I met a British guy who I thought might want to marry me, but he lost interest once he found out I had slept with more men than he was comfortable with.
LawDawg
I married a non-Jew and the pre-marriage and first few years were rough. My parents did not attend the wedding and went to counseling to learn how to deal with “losing” me. In-laws were always accepting and so were my siblings and some (but not all) aunts and uncles. I would see my parents at sibling’s house or other events, but they (especially my mother) would make a point of not talking to my husband. I was married for 10 years before deciding to have children and when my oldest was born, my parents flew halfway across the country, stayed at my home and started doting. Relations improved and have stayed good for the past 20+ years.
My parents and I didn’t fight. It was more of a Cold War. We would talk, but they didn’t visit my home and we only saw each other occasionally for a long time. When the reconciliation came, it was fine because it was about being a family and parents never pushed on the religious thing again (only some backhanded comments).
Anon
I converted, and my family doesn’t dare say anything about it. I had more issues with in-laws.
Anon
I married outside my religion and my family was disappointed, but supportive. My marriage did break up over religion, though – my husband went from “not very devout member of a different faith who would come to my religious services occasionally because he enjoyed the music” to “militant Christopher Hitchens-style atheist who would say really offensive things about my religion.”
anon
I’m sorry. That sounds incredibly hard.
Anonymous
I would think this is not uncommon, though perhaps with fewer negative comments if the other spouse isn’t on the same journey.
Bonnie Kate
I was raised Mormon, married a non-Mormon, neither of us are Mormons or have ever been Mormons in adulthood. Long term it has worked out just fine with my family. Luckily we don’t have kids, so we avoid that whole issue. and they are surprisedly supportive. My mom has told me that we would make great parents, but then after it became clear for several years that we were child-free by choice and happy about it, she dropped even the “but you’d be great parents” comments. In ways we’re closer with my inlaws, but in other ways my parents are more supportive of us as adults. You know how there’s a point where your relationship dynamics and interactions change with your parents from parent-kid child to parent-adult child? That happened wayyyyyy earlier with my parents (early twenties, as soon as we got married) than it did with my inlaws (early thirties with them when we moved across country). It’s easier now to have an adult relationship with them. A few years ago when DH and I took a big adult risk, my parents were behind us 100%, very encouraging and reassuring, and that was unexpectedly wonderful to have. It went a long way to rebuild some of the damage that had been done in fights when I was 17 and them trying to get me to break up with DH to marry a Mormon boy.
anonymous
I’m Indian and got married to a white man who only had a high school degree. Lots of fighting with my parents when we were dating when I was in my senior year of college. He is five years older than me and was working, had his own apartment, knew how to budget, be an adult, etc. Basically my parents thought I would drop out of college and end up barefoot and pregnant. It was insulting to me that they thought I would so something like that. Anyway, they were very against the marriage, but we got married without them in a very small ceremony.
I reconnected with my mom after the wedding and we slowly started to rebuild our relationship. They had an Indian wedding ceremony for us a year later.
We’ve been married 23 years now. My extended family is in India, but they’ve met my husband and everyone gets along. I’m thankful that my parents are laid back as far as Indian parents go. Neither me or my brother are doctors – I work in IT and he’s a lawyer. Both our families have gotten together around the holidays. We’ve vacationed with my parents and they have been generous with paying for said vacations and gifting is money for a down payment on a house.
We don’t have kids. My mom is a teacher and I know she would love to have grandkids, but she has never pressured me about it.
ReligionAnon
I’m catholic and married an atheist. My extended family is catholic bordering on Very Catholic and his family lands along varying parts of the christian/agnostic spectrum with religion not being a huge deal. We were married in the catholic church by a priest who offered to “remove the catholic stuff” from my husband’s vows. Our kids are raised catholic, my mother eventually simmered down and my godmother is still clutching her pearls and mailing books to convert my husband.
I made it clear with my husband very early in the relationship that me and any hypothetical children being catholic was a price of admission (thanks SA!) and that I wasn’t interested in debate in any form (there’s plenty to discuss, to be fair! I have more than a few of my own issues with the catholic church.) I told my parents early on that there was zero chance my husband would ever be catholic and I wasn’t interested in debating or apologetics in any form. They were welcome to pray about it and their prayers best be kept to themselves.
Senior Attorney
I have to admit those pumps look pretty great and I am almost tempted.
But I like being able to walk without pain even more than I am tempted.
MagicUnicorn
This, so much. I can’t even bring myself to wear flats that rub wrong any longer, much less heels that cause me back pain.
Anonymous
The round toe makes these shoes look very outdated to me.
Cat
+1, of all the examples, I think #7 is probably the only one I’d consider buying today.
Anon
Word
Anon
Has anyone ever had an Arvigo or Maya abdominal massage? If so, what did you think? Having some postpartum issues and I keep seeing references to them in crunchier groups. It seems interesting and harmless at worst.
Anon
It’s probably fine to try, but if you’re having real issues, see a doctor or a PT. It’s much more likely to help.
Anon
Oh I have seen a doctor and dons pelvic pt, this is just on top of those options.
Curious
My pelvic floor PT did abdominal massage, and it was great.
Anon
I have feet that slightly wider than B width around the ball of my foot. I keep reading the Birkenstock Arizonas run narrow. And yes, I will be wearing these with socks. Order the wides? Or does it not matter b/c the buckle adjusts?
[These shoes are pretty but would not work on my feet these days.]
Anon
It doesn’t matter – they’re plenty adjustable.
Minnie Beebe
I think that they (if anything) run wide, TBH. I do not have what I consider to be narrow feet (just average) and prefer the narrow Birkenstock fits to regular. I’d guess the regular width will be just fine for you, even with socks.
Anon
The Arizona is a unisex shoe , hence “narrow” is a men’s narrow (B), so average for women.
Anonymous
In Birkenstock-speak, “narrow” = regular and “regular” = wide.
Anon 2.0
Same – my foot borders on wide but I order the “narrow/regular” in Birkenstocks. I have a pair of the Mayari and ordered the wide and they are a bit too wide at the toe area. The others I have ordered in narrow have fit much better
Cat
Just order several sizes from Zappos and return accordingly. FWIW I find Birks to run generous even in regular width.
Anon
My sister is having an affair with a married man and it’s weighing on me so much. She is so smug about the whole thing (how much better she is then the wife, how the guy is going to leave the wife for her and never cheat on my sister). It’s making me sad because my sister and I used to be quite close. Would you tell the wife? I keep going back and forth on it and spending way too much time thinking about it for some reason. I would want to know. Also how could I do it anonymously? I know her Facebook but that’s it.
NYCer
I would absolutely, under no circumstances, tell the wife.
NYCer
Horrible punctuation in that post… Anyways, I also hit send to soon. You don’t know this woman. Not your rodeo. I would not get involved.
Anon
Why not? I am so sick of these cheating as*holes. Lord knows what they could be bringing home to an unsuspecting spouse. My sister had to get an AIDS test when my BIL finally fessed up to cheating with a co-worker (and everyone knew, even people who interacted with my sister regularly in their smallish town). I’d mail an unsigned letter personally. If the spouse ignores, you did your part.
NYCer
Because OP’s sister will 100% assume (correctly, in this case) that OP told the wife, and it could and likely would cause irreparable harm to the relationship of OP and her sister.
Personally, I also just don’t like getting involved in the business of strangers (i.e., sister’s affair partner and his wife). To each their own on that part.
Monday
Yeah, it’s interesting because I don’t know if I could do this myself, but I know I’d definitely appreciate it if I were the wife. So per the Golden Rule (which isn’t always exactly right, granted) I should be willing to blow the whistle.
AIMS
Because you don’t know anyone’s relationship, let alone someone you have never met. For all you know she doesn’t want to know, not everyone does.
OP, I don’t know how helpful this will be but I had a close friend who was in a situation that I really couldn’t condone and I just told her that I didn’t want to hear about it. This was a long-standing friendship I didn’t want to give up and it did help while she came to her senses. We kind of made a game of it almost – she’d try to bring it up and I would just say “earmuffs!” But I stuck to it and it did help for a bit.
Anon
Don’t tell the wife but maybe distance yourself from your sister.
Monte
I would have no problem telling my sister how disappointed I am in her, or telling her to pipe down when she crows about how terrible the wife is. But there is no way I would ever ever tell the wife and potentially harm my sister that way.
Anon
I don’t get how telling the wife potentially harms your sister. She is having a relationship with a married man. That sort of thing IMO robs her of a chance of having a good relationship (b/c what married guy is really 100% available to her in the way we should want in a relationship) and honestly, if he does it with you, I believe he’ll eventually do it to you, if he’s not already. She is hurting herself in the long run. How is telling the wife a bridge too far (especially vis-a-vis your sister)?
Anon
Because the wife will confront the guy and he’ll probably dump the sister? I’m not defending the sister here, she’s doing a crappy thing, but it’s pretty obvious how telling the guy is going to hurt the sister. Also if the sister puts two and two together about where the message came from (which doesn’t seem hard) it could end the relationship between OP and her sister forever. That’s a huge betrayal to go behind her back and destroy her relationship like that, immoral though the relationship is.
Anon
The sister getting dumped by the married guy she’s seeing is . . . a blessing in disguise (if that even happens). My guess is that the guy said he’s called it off or denies it to the wife and just continues on.
Anon
“Telling the guy will hurt the sister” — I don’t think that affairs are necessarily this linear, but the two parties to the affair put this in motion and don’t get to pick how it ends or what the consequences wind up being. Their choices involve more parties than just the two of them. I hope the guy doesn’t have kids.
Anon
Even if you see it as a blessing in disguise, the sister would not and would likely end her relationship with OP. Unless that’s a risk OP wants to take, she should not communicate with the affair partner or his wife. I am not defending the sister, her actions are gross, but I would not destroy a relationship with a sibling over this. Ymmv.
Anonymous
Re harm to sister – OP doesn’t know the wife or how she will react. Maybe she will make it her mission in life to ruin sister’s reputation or even physically harm her. Maybe she will ignore it. Maybe she will come after OP. People can be really crazy.
Anon
Well, that is the risk people are choosing to run. I’m not sorry if the wife goes bunny-boiler on the husband or the sister. It is dirty business.
Anon
I would probably start off every text to her by calling her “side piece.” Every time she talks about how he’s going to leave him wife for her, very seriously nod and say “Oh I bet, because every man who says that to his mistress is truthful,” or “You are actually special enough that he will leave her for you. With other women, that’s a line, but no, not you, you’re too special and perfect for that.”
KS IT Chick
And if he does leave the current wife and marry the side piece, it has opened up a position for someone else to fill. If he’s not been faithful to his wife and then marries the mistress, he won’t stay faithful to her, either.
Anon
Yes exactly. “You get them how you lose them”
Anonymous
Tell the wife! Ugh the reason these men get away with being such sh*tty humans is because everyone keeps their secrets.
Emma
+1 Exactly!! Not sure when it became the norm to “stay out of it,” but I think it’s actually pretty terrible if people know but don’t tell the wife/husband who’s being cheated on.
Anonymous
Absolutely not. And if you do be prepared to lose her forever and the rest of your family.
Hmmmm
No! You know nothing about this guy’s marriage – for all you know the wife knows already. I would tell my sister exactly what I thought about the whole thing, but to reach out to the wife? No no no. Do not make yourself a character in this terrible movie.
Anon
+1 – Your sister sounds obnoxious, but who knows what’s going on in their marriage. More and more people I know are opening things up (though I recognize that doesn’t sound like what’s happening here)
Anonymous
I would refuse to listen to my sister’s talk in any capacity about this and cut her off entirely if she didn’t stop. I have no time for morally corrupt people.
It’s karma – I only have like 150 ppl on my FB and I sure AF hope they would tell
Me if they knew DH was sleeping with their sister.
Anon
Right? There be some sort of procedure, like sending an anon message with a certain wording that conveys “I’m not trying to mess with you but you ought to know that your spouse is cheating on you.”
Anonymous
So she gets to drive herself nuts wondering who every time she is talking to someone? That’s not kind. If OP chooses to insert herself she should also own up to the consequences. Personally I don’t think this is any of her business and she should stay out since she doesn’t know the couple in any way.
Anonymous
Absolutely not.It’s not your job to punish her for her awful behavior.
In the meantime, share your disgust and disappointment but then tell her to stop talking with you about it.
(That you are considering being so disloyal to her isn’t making you look a whole lot better by the way.)
Anon
Glad you’re not in my family. Some blood’s not worth loyalty.
Anonymous
Guys will come and go. But the fact your sister confided in you and you decided to use it against her (or someone she perceives as close to her) will be something that sticks with her forever. Alerting the wife is essentially saying the wife is more important to you than having a relationship with your sister. That’ s fine if that’s the case, but at least be honest with yourself about it.
Anon
I would not say anything to the wife. It may be tempting but this is a crazy world that we live in, and think about how guilty you would feel if the wife did something to her. I know that is a slim chance but I wouldn’t risk it.
Emma
This may be unpopular, but I would create an anonymous FB profile and send her a message. There should be accountability for cheating and I’d feel guilty harboring information that she has a right to know.
It would mean a lot to me to have a stranger do this if I were the wife, since it sounds like there’s very few people in her orbit who might be able to. In my mind it’s like if you know someone committed a crime – it’s complicit not to report it. But obviously don’t name your sister and don’t reveal your own identity.
Anonymous
The flipside: I have a guy friend who cheated on his wife the first year of their marriage. He has been loyal since and they are now married 20 years with kids. If I were that wife, I wouldn’t want to know. Although this sounds like more of a relationship than drunken mistake. Marriages go through ups and downs and life is long, and the only ones who know the dynamics are those in them. I’m married 17 years with a grown step kid. Truly, I don’t know if I would want to know if things ended up right in the end. There’s a certain savior dynamic here that seems kind of naive.
Jules
100% not your place to tell the wife, unless you want to irreparably damage your relationship with your sister. Yes, tell your sister you disapprove, refuse to talk with her about the affair, distance yourself from her. But it is not for you to intervene in her affair partner’s marriage.
Anonymous
It is weird that you are more worried about the random wife than your sister. She is going to get hurt and her relationship with you is being damaged–presumably, if you were once close, the loss of the sibling relationship bother her as much as you. I would worry about taking care of your relationship with your sister (which might include having some honest and tough conversations) and stop worrying about the wife. Your post frankly calls into question how close you and your sister once were. An approach of love and kindness would be focusing on repairing what you and your sister once had.
Anonymous
So much this!
Bonnie Kate
No, you don’t tell the wife. And stop talking about married man whatsoever with your sister, and if sister can’t stop talking about it, stop talking to sister for a while.
I’m sure that this is not a popular opinion, and I have absolutely zero experience with it so maybe if it happened in real life I’d feel differently, but in the past I have thought that if my DH cheated on me, and eventually came to his senses, fixed his issues, and we continued in life happily, I really think I’d rather not know about the cheating at all. Let him carry the burden of the guilt without making me do the emotional labor of trying to fix what he broke.
Anon
I agree with this if he stopped of his own volition. If guilt didn’t get the better of him, I’d rather know so I could stop sleeping with someone who is not monogamous. And kick the bum out.
Anon
Eh i agree with you if it were something like a one night stand at a conference but this is pretty different. He’s also endangering his wife’s physical health, especially if he’s not using condoms with the sister, so it’s not just about her feelings.
Anon
I asked this group a while back about telling someone else’s secret (my niece rather than my sister). The universal advice was to tell, which I ended up doing.
And it was a horrible mistake that ruined my relationship with my niece and her relationship with her parents. With the benefit of hindsight, I really, really wish I had kept my mouth shut and minded my own business.
The wife either knows or suspects and stays anyway or is completely ignorant. It is not your place to find out which one.
Anon
Wait was this about the teenage niece who was drinking? I thought the consensus here was not to tell. Either way, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Your niece might come around when she’s older. Teenagers be crazy.
Cat
That’s immediately where my mind went, too, and I am pretty sure 95% of the responses were “keep your mouth shut so the teen has a trusted non-parent.” I’m sorry it turned out poorly.
Monday
I think I remember a post about a teenage girl who was sleeping with a man in his 30s or something. I wonder if it was that situation.
Anon
In that case, I might be a mandatory reporter depending on how I found out about it. A minor + a guy in his 30s is often a crime in many states if the girl is <= 16. At best, it's coercive even if it's not forcible.
Monday
I think the issue was that it was legal in their state, I think the girl was 17?
Anon @ 4:01
Ding, ding, ding, ding
Wow you people have great memories! (And yes – she was over the age of consent in our state.) It is a very long story but let’s just say everyone would have been better off if I kept quiet, and let her graduate high school and move away for college, which would have been the natural end of the relationship.
Having said that, during the massive blow up, it came out that she knew about my brother’s extramarital affair several years earlier and gave him an earful (in the hearing of her younger brother who had not known). So for anyone who thinks I am defending cheating spouses, I am absolutely not. The damage goes deep, especially for people with kids.
Anon
That is different IMO than telling basic facts anonymously. Going on record as a secret-sharer is different.
If your nanny was bringing over her boyfriend who was on Megan’s list, you’d want to know, right? But that have all sort of negative but deserved consequences. I’d do it anyway.
Anon
I’m just not convinced she can stay anonymous. It probably depends on facts we don’t know, like how many people know about the affair. But I think there’s a very good chance the sister would figure it out. She must know OP disapproves.
Anon
People cheating think they are invisible, like your dog-walking neighbors don’t see a strange car at a strange time. Like co-workers don’t have ears. Like find my phone doesn’t exist. She’s not the only one who knows.
Anon
Even if other people *know* the sister will immediately suspect the person she *told*. That’s just how the true human brain works.
Anon
And even if someone else tells, the fact that you got told a secret makes you suspect.
YOU ALL: if you are doing this, share it with no one and you won’t have to worry about your people telling. Don’t make them complicit in their silence.
Anon
Why are you all so certain that he’s only banging the sister and hasn’t had affair partners before her?
Anon
I never said he hasn’t had other affairs? He probably has. But he’s going to (correctly) assume the info came from someone connected to his current entanglement.
Anon
Why? It could be coming from a jilted past lover or another current lover. It could be someone who saw them at dinner and knows the wife.
Anon
It could be anyone, yes, but you’re going to suspect the people you’ve actually confided in. That’s human nature. And if that list of people is short, it’s not going to be a big mystery for long. Maybe a different story if the sister is openly talking about this with everyone she knows, although even then she’s probably going to think “who have I told about this that disapproves?” and I doubt OP has kept her disapproval well-hidden (not a criticism! I wouldn’t hide it well either).
I also think, as someone said below, the wife will move heaven and earth to figure out who sent the message. Because how can she know whether or not to trust it without knowing the source?
Anon
A lawyer (married) at my firm was having an affair with his assistant (also married) and it was no secret, except from his wife and her husband. Someone wrote a letter to his wife (but not her husband). Dude had HR interview all of the female support staff (but none of the male staff or any lawyers) and demand to know who had written it. It may not even have been anyone from work. I still don’t know. They were so gross. For all I know, it was the assistant he was having the affair with trying to get him to leave his wife for her. She seemed to be the sort who’d try that.
Anon
Ughhhh
Anon
Um your HR is very sexist and discriminatory if they gave into his demand to interview only female staff about that letter. Wowza!
anon
I probably wouldn’t tell the wife if I didn’t know her, for a number of reasons, but I’d have zero issue telling my sister that I didn’t want to hear about her affair and that I’m disappointed in her.
Anon
I’m biased, because my ex husband had an affair and I didn’t know/suspect (he traveled for work a lot, plus other reasons I didn’t suspect anything). His mistress’s husband found out, found me online at my work website, sent me an email to my work email with screenshots of their texts, and that’s the only way I ever would have found out. I have never met him, never will, and I will be so grateful to this stranger for the rest of my life.
That said, it is your sister, which makes this messy. I’m not sure what I would do. Might depend on whether there are kids involved, how long it’s been going on for, whether he’s actually going to leave. That’s tough.
Anon
Yeah I think one cheated on partner telling the other cheated on partner is a bit different. I would tell in that situation.
Anon
(Also the same thing happened to Natalie Maines! She references it on Gaslighter.)
Anon
Damn.
Anonymous
I commented elsewhere that there’s a real shoot the messenger risk here – but I think the circumstance you describe is basically the only one that avoids that issue. If your spouse is cheating with someone else’s spouse and you’re going to divorce them over it, then I think you avoid the appearance of being some sort of tattle-tale, busy-body who can’t be trusted. I think any other stranger telling someone about an affair looks suspicious, like why are you involving yourself, what’s your angle. Not saying that’s fair or right but it seems to be how it usually shakes out.
Anon
I have been there. Man told me he was in process of divorcing, it was over before I came along, so I felt no guilt. He whispered all the sweet nothings and I bought in and fell hard. I wasn’t bragging about being on the side, I was happy in love and giddy. So I don’t think someone is morally bankrupt to be in such a situation and we know this guy can lie well since he’s lying to wife when he comes home after time with sister. All said, I am not heartless about sister nor do I think she’s guiltless. However, I think jerks do get away with things by silence. I think I would want to tell too and save wife from health risk and sister from longer pain experience. I would also know that doing so would mean either lying to sister about having done it or being honest and a long sister estrangement. You won’t know what will happen after you tell; maybe wife denies it and nothing changes, maybe it blows up and she leaves and sister marries the guy and is glad you moved things along, maybe he ends the cheating and she is mad til she heals and has hindsight.
I think, after my experiences, I’d tell, I’d anticipate anger, I’d be honest if asked if I’d told, and I’d check in every 6 months to see if sister wanted to talk as or after she healed.
Anonymous
The wife probably would not believe you, and even if she does, it will be in a very shoot that messenger way. If she even opens your message, she might dismiss it out of hand as some weird prank. And if she finds any merit in it, probably because she already suspects something, she will not rest until she finds the identity of the anonymous tipster so she can pump you for more information. And then she will expose you to her husband and your sister and probably exaggerate things you said. You will be in the very center of all the drama. Even if she doesn’t figure out it’s you, if you found her on social media then she can find you, and you’d better believe that the close-in-age sister of the mistress is one of the first people she will contact to verify the anonymous story. Telling her cannot go well for you or for the wife or your sister or anyone involved.
Anon
This. You articulated this better than I did but this is what I was thinking too.
Seventh Sister
I’d distance myself from my sister if she was bugging me, but I’m not sure whether I’d contact the spouse. I wouldn’t presume she is in the dark about the affair.
Anon
Just have to share that I had the best morning of self-care. I cleaned my place, got some fresh flowers for no reason at all, and made a delicious lunch. It’s a totally random Tuesday and on any other random Tuesday I would have looked at my messy place and gotten stressed, felt there was no need or time to buy the flowers, and thrown together lunch and eaten on the go. It felt SO MUCH BETTER to do things slowly and treat myself with the same respect I would treat any of my guests! I deserve a clean house, pretty flowers, and a nicely prepared and plated lunch as much as anyone else! And I actually have the power to make it happen for myself. It really took no longer than my usual harried routine, but it made all the difference in my attitude. Work requests will be there when I get back.
I’ve been totally inspired by Japanese YouTuber vlogs that show simple living, cleaning, and cooking. Made me want to focus more on pleasure in the everyday and enjoying and taking care of what I have instead of constant consuming and rushing around.
Anonymous
This sounds lovely. Would you be willing to share which vloggers you are watching? I could use some of this inspiration.
Anon
Omg I recently fell down this rabbit hole too! Also find this so relaxing to watch when I’m super stressed. Who are your favorites??
anon
I know it makes me sound like an old lady, but I get real joy and satisfaction in puttering around the house. I’m not talking about a full-blown cleaning or organizing spree, just little things that make my home a nicer place to be. It does a lot for my mood!
Anon
I totally agree! It makes all the difference!
Anon
OP here—I LOVE Nami’s Life. She’s a single Tokyo woman who has a tiny bit immaculately maintained home, prepares beautiful meals, and cleans and organizes meticulously. I just love watching her routine and I find it so inspiring!
Also really enjoy Imamu Room, who makes these adorable bento box lunches for her husband and cooks for her family. I believe she is Korean living in Canada.
Do you have any recs for me?! Apparently this is a whole genre I just became aware of.
anon
Somehow I am also very into this niche–love Imamu Room as well. I would recommend Plan D, who lives alone in Seoul and films her beautiful meals, vintage store shopping trips and cafe excursions. In addition, she seems to be a seamstress/costume designer (not sure) so lots of interesting shots of her working with fabrics. I love watching while I am cooking/cleaning haha.
Anon
With the heat wave in Britain and a post the other day asking if anyone was considering moving due to climate issues: Has anyone done research/care to speculate where the most “climate-proof” regions of the US/world will be? Great Lakes region? Maine/Massachusetts/Vermont/New Hampshire? Curious to what as I’m already anecdotally seeing many friends moving back to the Northeast from the West Coast after feeling like they couldn’t cope with fire searing anymore.
Anon
We have a summer home in Maine and at one point I read that the Gulf of Maine is warming faster than any other part of the US. Of course it’s starting from a colder baseline, but Maine is definitely not unaffected by climate change. There’s extreme drought there right now, in fact.
S
Plus more extreme winter storms are dangerous in remote locations.
Anon
Yes the snowfall is getting very extreme too. Ugh. It’s just awful all around.
Anon
I am one of the posters from Louisiana in the discussion yesterday. I have researched it, but the answers are somewhat all over the place (and somewhat unappealing). West coast does really well on most lists. Here’s one: https://www.policygenius.com/homeowners-insurance/best-and-worst-cities-climate-change/
For me personally, the idea of moving somewhere very cold/snowy really makes me nervous for some reason, so it’s hard to figure out. La Jolla is my ideal community: walkable, moderate weather basically year round, lots of variety in available activities/bars/restaurants, but, alas, I’m not rich. I’d like to find something similar to that that is also somewhat climate change resistant.
S
I don’t think it’s a whole region but is more exact location specific. Some tips: don’t live right on the coast or a major lake; don’t live in an area prone to flooding; live somewhere with infrequent power outages and significant additional transmission capability (i.e. not an over constrained grid); don’t live somewhere too densely populated; don’t live somewhere vulnerable to extreme weather events; live somewhere with multiple evacuation pathways; don’t live somewhere with too many mosquitos. If I were deciding solely on climate vulnerability, maybe mid-state NY? The Berkshires in MA? Chicago suburbs?
Anon
No. I live in Florida and know how to deal with the local weather. I’m not in an area that floods. As far as “climate proofing”, for me, that means living a simple life, planting for shade during the warmest parts of the day, not relying on a car, and being able to be just fine if the power goes out for long period of time.
Anonymous
I live in MA and dispute its many faults, I will never leave. I have three girls.
Anon
I cannot say this at work or work / professional circles generally, but the main limit on my professional success and advancement is not being female but being a parent. Pre-kids, I worked like the the dudes and advanced like the dudes and have out-lasted and out-advanced most of them. Post-kids: hahaha yesterday I bought a lottery ticket and I am good at math.
Anon
This bums me out to hear. Presumably your husband or partner had kids too. Have they taken a similar hit?
Anon
For me, I feel like no, but spouse is in a more 9-5 field where there is no up-or-out culture and kids don’t seem to present the same hazard. In fact, main decisions like where we live, which daycare we used, which summer camps we do, whether to have a summer nanny or not, were all 100% my call and based on my convenience or preference since I was the one with the job that was harder on the person doing it.
Anon
OP here: I will also add that every family vacation has largely been scheduled around my schedule. We’d be so normal if I just hung up my spurs, so to speak. I do like what I do. But I’d also like to be able to take off around the end of the year or any quarter-end or not sign when spring break is at a bad time in the deal cycle.
Anon
I commented “same” below.
For me it’s a combination of 1) outright discrimination for being a mom at work (this started when I was pregnant the first time and hasn’t stopped now that I have school age kids) and 2) changing priorities for me because I want to spend more time with my kids and less time at work. Neither of these issues has affected my husband nearly as much. For some women there’s definitely a #3 which is their husband not pulling his weight, but I’m fortunate that my husband has done his share, if not more.
Anonymous
Not OP but my DH is super involved (took a year off when I went back to work, makes breakfast and lunch everyday), but does not seem to be perceived as out of the running for higher level work.
My perception is that it is perceived as being a well rounded person vs being a parent first and employee second.
It doesn’t help that schools/day camps etc always call me first if there is an issue. Even if DH is the one to go get them, it is still my day getting interrupted.
anon
Preach!
My DH is great and I am satisfied with our division of labor. But it’s always my day that gets wrecked by the unexpected, even if he’s the one actually picking up the kid.
Anon
Same.
Anonymous
It’s being a woman with kids. Having kids is great for a man’s career, even if he’s hands-on, because it makes him look reliable and mature. Women who have kids are deemed unreliable and distracted.
Anon
This is what I was thinking. Having kids is bad for OP’s career not just because of the kids but because she is a woman with kids! Men look more stable and responsible when they have kids. Need to leave early to pick up your kids as a man, what a great father! It’s never oh he’s not dedicated to his job. This is all part of the reason kids are not in my future.
AIMS
Well said. When my partner needs an accommodation because of childcare the entire courtroom practically goes “awww..”
Fwiw
For me, it’s started long before I was a parent. Even though I worked just as hard or harder than the men.
Anon
What I hate is that my BigLaw firm (and prior firm, even more so) really believed that the reason women weren’t long-term successful was that women were discriminated against. What they seemed wilfully blind to was that they were wretched to women who chose to become parents and the childfree women did just fine there if they stayed (and they often left, too, b/c it’s a horrid life any way you slice it). But childfree is different than jugging a nanny and a PT evening nanny b/c if you have kids and your husband has anything but a vanilla strict 9-5 job with flexible vacations and unscheduled PTO, which explains why so many people flat-out leave even though the $ is good. It’s hazard pay for the single and childless and gets to be not worth it with each kid and each year you’re a parent. I’m amazed that they are so amazed.
Anonymous
I have no doubt women with children face more discrimination and issues in big law, but research shows discrimination does impact women’s careers even when they don’t have children: https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2022/04/21/single-women-workplace-penalty/
Anon
I know it says that and I don’t doubt that it is true and has been true for me at times and yet it is nothing like the headwinds of being a parent. Night and day.
Anonymous
I’m not even in an up or out work culture but I feel like my being a mother has handicapped my possible achievements, at least for the 25 years or so they’re home. I’d hope it would be better when they were older but that Slaughter piece in the Atlantic was written when her son was early high school.
Anonymous
Ugh I’m on the receiving end of the silent treatment from my spouse, he says nothing is wrong (but I suspect I’m guilty of the crime of not doing the dishes despite making 3 hot meals magically appear each day). Well my grandma just died and I’m still getting the silent treatment, so spouse isn’t getting dinner tonight.
anon
I’m so sorry about your grandma.
I hope you know that this is not acceptable treatment of you by your spouse. Maybe it’s so normal in your relationship for him to ice you out, but silent treatment is not OK, especially over something so trivial, and ESPECIALLY when he should be supporting you.
I’m not saying that he has to talk everything out with you every time he’s upset, but after a reasonable processing time he either needs to move on or fess up. You deserve better.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry about your grandmother. Please get the divorce.
Hmmm
This is awful and I’m so so sorry. Is there any chance that his silence is related to something going on with him vs something you did or didn’t do? I ask because I’m someone who tends to write stories in my head blaming myself for why people are acting the way they are.
If he’s really giving you the silent treatment over the dishes, that’s awful and I’m so so sorry.
Emma
So sorry about your grandma. Sending you love.
Echoing the other person, but silent treatment is sometimes classified as emotional abuse by therapists. At the very least, it’s stonewalling and corrosive to relationships. ESPECIALLY over something as trivial as the dishes (it sounds like there’s also a deeper issue of a very unfair distribution of labor?).
The fact that he’s not even taking a break to provide you with emotional support during such a difficult time is extra alarming. So sorry. Are you in couples therapy or individual therapy? This seems like it needs to get better or you need to get out.
Sending you lots of love.
Senior Attorney
No, no, no. This is not okay on any level. The Silent Treatment is emotional abuse and you don’t even begin to deserve that. And also if your grandma died it’s his job to drop everything and support you.
Can you go to a hotel tonight? Stay with family? Don’t let this be about him. Don’t try to coax him out — just do what you need to do to take care of your sweet self.
Signed, my horrible ex did this to me on the day of my grandma’s funeral 20 years ago and I’m still upset
S
This – I let my partner’s selfishness and issues at the time shadow over my grandmother’s funeral and I wish I hadn’t. Take care of yourself and focus on your grieving process doing whatever you need to do to avoid this very wrong distraction.
Explorette
So sorry to hear about your grandma OP. No matter what is going on with him, he needs to get over himself and support you. I think it says a lot about what kind of person he is that when something Big happens, he acts so selfishly. You deserve someone who supports you in hard times!
My ex-bf did this to me when my dad died, and I didn’t have the emotional energy to deal with him and just ignored it. I still have a lot of anger towards myself for putting up with that incredibly awful behavior and enabling him to act that way. I wish I’d done the hard thing and got away from him so that I could grieve and process in a healthy setting.
Anon
I don’t know what it is about selfish men at times of grief making everything worse. I actually had to tell my horrible ex that my uncle dying at 39 leaving behind 2 kids was not about him or his stupid wants (he wanted to leave where we were eating with family after the funeral so he could go somewhere he liked better, etc).
OP, I’m so sorry about your grandmother. The least your husband can do is make you dinner!
Anon
You shouldn’t be getting the silent treatment for any reason after a family member passed away. This is when you put aside your frustrations and be there for your partner.
Reporting Back on Handbag Purchase
I was the poster last week making their first designer handbag purchase. I loved all of your suggestions, but at the end of the day I just couldn’t convince myself to spend 2k+ on a bag. Obviously, no judgment on those that do. But, I still needed a new black bag and some sort of evening bag. I ended up purchasing a Mansur Gavriel mini bucket bag and a Gucci Aristographic Box Clutch (both in excellent used condition) on TheRealReal. The clutch certainly isn’t “classic,” but I really love it.
Anon
That Gucci bag is nice!
Anon
Those are both so nice! I’m glad it worked out for you!
Anonymous
I love Mansur Gavriel. I own the cloud in too many colors to be healthy. All of their things have such a simple, classic aesthetic. Congrats!
Anon
I love TheRealReal for this kind of stuff. I don’t think I’ll ever purchase anything designer new, but I’m delighted to scoop up something pretty after somebody else takes that first hit of depreciation.
Congratulations on your fun new bags!
Shoe thoughts
I think I owned these pumps in 2010 and they still read that way to my eye – the round toe seems super dated. I think a pointed toe (esp with a block heel) is much more current.
layered bob
We recently bought a house and will be gradually, piece-by-piece furnishing and redecorating it over the next several years. I want someone to put together a set of mood boards to help me visualize the outcome we’re going for in each room – I have a pretty good sense of how I eventually want things to look, colors and styles I like, but it would be helpful to have an organized set of mood boards to refer to when, for example, I’m at at estate sale and am trying to decide about a certain item.
We like to DIY and gather things piece by piece, so I’m not really looking for a “decorator” who would design the whole room and recommend specific items to buy through her – I really just want the design help and some visualization of the eventual furniture layout/concepts.
Who would do this? How do I go about finding someone?
I could theoretically learn to use Canva but in reality that is never going to happen, and I’d like some expertise on this.
Bonnie Kate
Just since you mentioned it, Canva is incredibly easy to learn and use. Once I got familiar with it, I use it all the time for creating all kinds of things. If you’re at all inclined, definitely play with it.
That said, I think you can still use an interior decorator or designer for this. Just tell them you’re only looking for mood boards and write out what you wrote here. I’m sure a lot of them would be really happy to work with you. You’re still paying them for their design services.
Anonymous
– Pinterest
– or, find a mood board app for iPad. I had a great one 8 years ago but it’s not supported anymore.
– or, you can find a ton of people on Fiverr to do this via Canva or whatever if you have all the pictures.
– or, you can use MS Paint to copy and paste pictures in.
– or, do it the old fashioned way with an actual board, then take a digital picture for your phone to have handy.
Once we picked paint swatches and major fabrics that would impact design decisions I carried small swatches with me… a digital mood board won’t help you later to determine differences in colors like chantilly lace vs agreeable gray (or whatever).
anon
On a lighter topic, can we talk bedding? My duvet cover and insert both need to be replaced soon. Bedding is expensive, and I keep thinking, what would be wrong with just getting a comforter that I like from PB and calling it a day, rather than trying to buy 2 separate expensive pieces? I got started on that path because it was the grownup thing to do, but also? It’s kind of a PITA at times. Even with a duvet cover, I still sleep with a top sheet. I’ve tried it without and I can’t stand it, lol. I suppose a duvet cover is still much easier to wash, though. My Boomer parents have never in their life had a separate duvet and cover; they’ve always used a single comforter.
And those of you with white bedding and pets, how do you keep it clean? Or have you accepted defeat on that front? I love the look of white bedding but have gradually moved into medium-colored things because I like cuddling with my cat before bed, and he’s a shedder.
helloanon
I have a white duvet/cover and lay a white sheet over top of it (shedding dog who likes to sleep on the bed). It doesn’t look as pretty, but it is much easier to clean, as I throw that top sheet in the laundry with my sheets every week and have extras in case the dog jumps on the bed with muddy paws during the week. Plus, it keeps the duvet cover cleaner on an ongoing basis.
Anon
I used to have a beautiful white bed. Then my partner and his black cat moved in, and then we got two grey dogs.
Now i have a navy duvet cover that I cover with a sheet for puppy cuddles.
I like a duvet for being able to wash just the cover and not the insert every time, and switching out summer/winter covers (no AC). I have some handmade quilts from family members, but they are retired because i don’t want to put pressure on the stitching by having dogs on the bed.
Anonymous
A one-piece comforter just looks cheap and outdated to me. A duvet with a separate cover is more high-end. And you can wash the cover more easily than a whole comforter.
Real Simple has a video on the web of the “jelly roll” method that makes putting the cover on the duvet so much easier.
AIMS
I have a duvet and feather blanket but it’s too hot for all but coldest winter. I almost don’t even think I need it. Most of the time I do a quilt (pottery barn) and a top sheet. I think it’s grown up enough and washes easily enough, too.
As for the pet issue, I have a high bed and a dog with short legs – problem, solution.
Quail
I’m a millennial and I hate duvets. Hate stuffing them, hate adjusting them, hate washing them (though I like the way they look ). I have a pottery barn linen quilted comforter and I think it looks nice. It’s pretty thin so nice for summer with a sheet and we layer with blankets in winter.
I would never be able to have white bedding. Kids, a bad habit of leaving pens on the bed/using pens in bed, pets – supposed I could bleach everything in theory but I don’t care enough to make it happen.
Monte
I have a cheap IKEA comforter for when it is warm, so I definitely believe in not spending a ton on that if you don’t need it. (But I also have a pricier down comforter for midwest winters because I prioritize coziness over everything.)
And there are plenty of duvet covers out there that are not particularly expensive. I like to have several because of different weights/temperatures and because of the pet issue, since I do almost all white linens. You just have to resolve yourself to brushing it somewhat regularly to get pet hair off and/or regular laundering. It is worth it to me — I love time in my big, beautiful bed and spend 1/3 of my life there, if not more.
Bye-bye Texas
Lawyers, if you’re planning to move out of the state you’re licensed in, do you typically transfer your license to your target state before/while applying for new positions, or wait until you’ve secured a job to transfer your license? I’ve got to GTHO of Texas so I’m trying to get my ducks in a row. Baby lawyer with one year of practice under my belt.
Cat
I haven’t done this but people usually wait to actually do the paperwork until they’re moving for the job. If for example you are eligible to waive in in the target state, I would note that on your resume (like, Licensed in Texas; eligible to waive in to New State).
Sybil
I’ve never heard of licenses transferring. Do you mean you’re moving to a state with reciprocity? In that case there’s no “transfer” you just get licensed in two states. If there’s no reciprocity you have to take the new state’s bar exam. Transferring a license is just not a thing.
Anon
Did you take UBE (Texas switched in 2021) and are only looking at other UBE states? You don’t really transfer your license. You’ve still got to apply to be admitted in the new Jx including going through Character and Fitness in the new state – you just might be able to avoid taking another bar exam.
Anon
You don’t really “transfer” a law license. Depending on circumstances you may be able to waive into a new state, but you don’t relinquish your original license. In that situation you get admitted to the second bar in addition to your original license. Cat’s wording for your resume is good if you’re eligible to waive in. If you can’t waive, you may have to take a new bar exam while working. It sucks but you’ll survive.
Signed, my first state was California and we can’t waive in anywhere because we don’t offer reciprocity :(
Anonymous
I wasn’t able to apply for reciprocity in my new state because I hadn’t been a lawyer long enough, so I had to take a second bar. It turned out that might have actually been easier than applying for reciprocity–it took one of the associates at my firm over a year to get admitted on reciprocity. And to answer your actual question, I took the bar before I had a job because I didn’t have strong ties to my second state (I had gone to college there, but that was it) and wanted to signal to potential employers I was serious about moving.
Anonymous
If you’re set on one state then start the process for getting admitted to their bar. You may have to take another bar exam, and if so, you don’t want to miss a deadline that would delay your eligibility for another 6+ months. If you’re looking at a number of states then start doing some research on what is required.
Bye-bye Texas
My poor wording confused some of the responses, so I’m sorry! I meant to say transfer my UBE score and apply for admission to the new state’s bar. I of course understand that I can’t transfer my Texas license to a new state. Thanks for all the responses!
An.On.
If you know which state you’re going to, its a lot easier, and you should start the process now (either reciprocity, new bar exam, whatever). But if it’s completely dependent on where your job will be… then there’s not much you can do until you get a job.