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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 341 Comments · by

Coffee Break – Karen Pumps

Coffee Break

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Kate Spade New York - KarenSure, these pumps are kind of boring — but they're Kate Spade classics, and they're part of a pretty good sale right now at Zappos. I actually like the camel suede the best, which of course is the only one not on sale — but these simple camel patent ones (pictured) are almost just as good and a whole lot cheaper. This pair was $325, but is now marked to $260. Kate Spade New York – Karen (Camel Patent) – Footwear (L-3)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

    • b23

      I can’t wear synthetic. I usually don’t have very sweaty feet, but they sure do sweat in synthetic shoes.

      • NOLA

        That’s one of the reasons I’ve come to like Vince Camuto for patent leather shoes. They are real leather, not plastic.

    • I am a banana.

      Recently bought the Nine West Ambitious in taupe. I love them. I swore off Nine West a few years ago because I just wasn’t impressed with the fit or quality, but these are almost as comfy as my Cole Haan Air Talias and I think they are adorable.

      • Catelyn

        Ooh I’m glad to hear you like them. I have been eying them on Amazon for a while. I also just ordered the Corso Como “Del” pump and it should be arriving soon. I hope they’re as awesome as I’ve heard!

  2. Pat

    I actually don’t think they’re boring. These heels will go with almost any outfit. I’ve read that nude or camel colored heels help to make your legs look longer which is always a plus. I actually have something very similar and wear it with almost anything and any color. Its like the new black! I’ve worn them with navy, brown, black, purple or patterned dresses to pull everything in without looking way too busy.

    • TCFKAG

      quick vent: CANADIANS!!!!!!!!

      (just kidding…I love you guys. you bring me all the best hgtv).

      • canadian anon

        haha! We are the most delightful of countries. I always want to lure all you Americans up here when I read the conversations about the very short mat leaves many of you seem to get.

        • TCFKAG

          Umm…you can lure us all you want, but I don’t think your immigration law is going to let us all come. :-P

          Quick question though, when we move up there, do we all get issued one Scott Mcgillivray upon entry?

          • SF Bay Associate

            And his accessory pack including a breakfast bar, laminate/composite wood flooring, and pedestal sinks with no storage underneath! He seems completely anti dining room tables, or dining rooms at all for that matter. I do love that show though. My life goals include owning an Income Property as a top-5 goal.

          • TCFKAG

            My top-5 goal is to have Scott McGillivray come and reveal something to me. I’m not overly picky what. ;-)

          • coco

            I love these references. But not as much as I love Scott McGillivray. I will fight you for him, TCFKAG.

        • Equity's Darling

          We ARE delightful! And the short mat leaves make me sad, so do the arguments about medical care.

      • Nonny

        Hmm, maybe we should have a giant ‘Ette gathering in Banff or somewhere, and we can show everyone just how awesome Canada truly is.

        Bonus points if we get CPD credits for it.

        • TCFKAG

          I’d come and I live no where NEAR Banff — but I love me some Pacific Northwest.

        • Eleanor

          I would happily sing the praises of Canada if I could hang out with intelligent, well-dressed women in Banff.

        • Equity's Darling

          Half my firm is in Banff today for a ski event with a client. So, Corporettes in Banff? I will be there for sure.

          • Nonny

            Hmm, let me think.

            We could ask Angie from YouLookFab to come up from Seattle to do a talk.

            We could maybe do some wine tasting.

            We could ask Kanye East to host a jewellery-making workshop.

            Whistler wouldn’t be too expensive if it was in the off-season.

            Other ideas?

          • Equity's Darling

            If in Banff, I’d vote a Hot Springs/Massages/Facials day, and hiking if it’s not winter, and show shoeing if it is winter.

          • cbackson

            I would carpool the ‘rettes up to Whistler from Seattle in my car. Seriously, as many of y’all as can fit in a subcompact can TOTALLY ride with me.

          • MissJackson

            Seriously. I live no where near there, but I would absolutely go. Although I would probably have a lot of angst over what to pack :)

        • goirishkj

          I love this thread! DH was reading over my shoulder and just said “wow, just wow.” And we’re watching HGTV right now, but sadly it is just House Hunters. No Scott McGillivray though.

  4. e

    I agree with Pat, I think they are really interesting being a tan color yet shiny. Especially since they do go with everything.

  5. danielle

    i managed to snag these in black suede from amazon warehouse for a whopping $70. i’m a fan.

  6. TechAnon

    Corporette meta discussion TJ: What comment threads do you generally skip over without reading? Which ones do you follow closely?

    I’ll read anything that has to do with clothes or shoes, but skip weddings, pregnancy, kids, TV shows, taking the bar. Office politics are interesting to me; national politics are not. Generally only lightly skim diet and exercise, where to go on vacation, and financial threads.

    Love, love, love the “what I’m wearing to work today” comments and suggestions on styling various colors together. Also am fascinated by the “How do I handle this weird thing happening with my boss/coworker” threads.

    TCFKAG, this discussion is not aimed at you, since you clearly read and comment on every topic. (Just kidding! You are often the day’s best entertainment.)

    • TCFKAG

      I don’t comment on EVERY thread, I’m very conscientious about that. But have I mentioned lately how boring my job is. Just wait until I get a new job and disappear!

      P.S. I skim over almost any thread having to do with make-up, skin-care, or hair-care (especially if it is a discussion of that Clarisonic thingy). I also will generally skim over pregnancy ones, unless I’m really bored that day. I try to avoid the politics ones, but sometimes I can’t resist.

      • Woods-comma-Elle

        I will miss you when that happens, you’re one of my favourites!

    • Diana Barry

      I ignore clarisonic and paula’s choice stuff, all the travel threads (I can’t travel for another 2 yrs, bleah), and taking the bar. I read everything else. :)

    • b23

      I’ll read almost anything except the what I’m wearing today threads and the taking the bar threads because that’s over for me. I will read a little bit on the pregnancy threads, but mostly just skim. And I just can’t keep myself from commenting on national political threads when they’re about something I care about! I think the main reason for that is because I think I’m a minority here, so I feel like the other side should be heard.

      • Backgrounder

        Read: Generally everything except…see below
        Skim: What I’m Wearing Today, Clarisonic/MIA/Paula’s Choice/Beauty/Hair/Makeup threads, TV shows
        Skip: Bar threads, really specific legal-industry threads, pregnancy threads

          • TCFKAG

            Gooooooo liberals! :-)

            (What I like about this site is that we seem to be able to argue about this stuff and then talk about shoes half an hour later, relatively unperturbed.)

      • mamabear

        Hey b23, this Berkeleyan will listen to your conservative view any time, as long as you don’t call me a slut, prostitute or feminazi. :)

          • mamabear

            Actually, it’s OK if you call me a strumpet. I rather like that one.

            mamabear: “We should expand welfare programs.”

            b23: “YOU STRUMPET!”

            Yes, I like it.

        • TCFKAG

          Or a harlot or a floozy, or a tramp, vamp, or whore, or a concubine, strumpet, hussy, or wench. Or my personal favorite, woman of easy virtue.

          I like synonyms…they’re fun!

          • Cat

            when you think “easy virtue” to yourself, is it in the voice of Katharine Hepburn / A Philadelphia Story?

          • strumpets unite!

            I’m pretty conservative, but I gotta agree with mamabear… strumpet can stay on the list :) Also floozy, because it sounds like something my grandmother would say in a nice Southern accent!

          • AIMS

            My favorite part of the whole Rush debacle – I learned that “round heeled woman” means someone of easy virtue. I had to google that one! But now every time I see round heeled shoes like the ones featured, a little immature voice inside my head shouts “skank!”

    • AIMS

      Interesting topic. The only two I reliably skip is the ‘what are you wearing’ and anything to do with running or almost any other form of exercise. I also usually skip or very lightly skim the weight loss threads. Vacation threads are usually a matter of location – if I have been or plan to go, I will pay closer attention. I am a big fan of the gift discussions and intern horror stories (sorry interns! ;)).

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      I read most things, but I skim over:

      – kids/pregnancy
      – discussions about products/items/stores we don’t have in England
      – pension/investment/employment law related things (it’s all different here anyway)

      My favourites tend to be the advice things and discussions about shirtless Wade.

      • TCFKAG

        Oh yeah, I also skip over the retirement savings/pension stuff. The only thing I can do with my money right now is pay down student loans!

    • AnonInfinity

      I always skip “what I’m wearing.” Only read the “what is there to do in X” if it’s a place I love or a place I’m going. I have googled those threads later if I find out I’m going to a certain city long after the thread dies.

      I love food threads, exercise threads, and the “what do I do in X situation?” threads. I also read bar exam ones because I recently took the bar and still feel sympathetic to the folks who are going through that.

      I read most of them but will skip over the replies if that certain topic doesn’t tickle my fancy that day.

    • a.

      I read: clothes, shoes, office politics, TV shows, finance, politics, vacations (a girl can dream)

      I skim/do not read, depending on my workload for the day: skin care or makeup, hair, pregnancy, kids, job-related threads that are specifically focused on one career (e.g., law or accounting) because it never applies to me (holler at education, where we’ll take anyone!)

      Interesting thread, thanks for starting it!

      • a.

        Oh, other stuff I always read: exercise (especially if I can shoehorn in running) and books!

          • NOLA

            That’s so interesting! I so rarely pay attention to the book threads because I rarely read the types of books that others love. Weird about me, I guess. I read the fashion discussions and workplace issues. Mostly skip the Clarisonic/skin care, although some of it interests me. Nothing about pregnancy particularly interests me. I’m not an attorney so a lot of it doesn’t mean much to me.

          • TechAnon

            I’m with you, NOLA. I love to read, but not the type of books usually recommended here. I’m just not into fiction at all.

          • Catelyn

            TechAnon, you should do a thread with some nonfiction recommendations one day. I love nonfic too but have trouble finding new good ones. I actually have the most luck browsing Smithsonian gift shops!

        • Supra

          Running is another one I like to read/comment on. So, I’m a vain, clothes-obsessed runner. Great :/

      • Ruby

        I read most: behaviorial work stuff, pregnancy, lifestyle issues. These are why I read/comment on this blog: people in similar situations to get advice from and share inputs to.
        Skip: Most fashion/ materialistic stuff (not that it’s bad just not interested, I get most things second hand for personal reasons) unless it involves general do’s and don’ts or helpful tips (hair doing, how to keep outfit working right, etc.) Skip national politics, read office politics. Skip weight loss, running.

    • heatherskib

      I assure you if you ever need a “how do I handle my boss” drama- I’m your girl!

    • January

      Hmm. I’m fascinated by the variety of responses! I always skip “what are you wearing” threads, avoid politics, and often skim a lot of travel, weight-loss, and career advice threads that don’t have any practical application for me (e.g., taking the bar, which I’ve already done). I’ve gotten some good tips out of skin care/hair/makeup threads, so I like those. And I’m an advice column junkie, so anything along those lines fascinates me. But I still get the sense I’m probably paying more attention to Corporette than I should. :)

      • FP Angie

        Skip big law, what are you wearing, skin care. Read parenting, pregnancy, office issues and def. vacation recos!

    • mamabear

      I mainly skip the lawyer/big law sucks/taking the bar posts because I’m not an attorney. I like the other posts. And I am particularly sucked in by anything having to do with TV or movies.

    • Eloise Speghetti

      I usually skip pregnancy/kids, travel stuff (I too have far too long until my next vacation) and skim the rest.

      And TCFKAG usually makes my day 50% of the days I read the blog. I haven’t been reading it for that long but, I will miss her when she is gone :(

      • TCFKAG

        Okay…I’ll never be “gone” gone — I’ll just hopefully be busier and more engaged in my actual work! :-)

        But with all this positive reinforcement, who needs it.

        • TechAnon

          Too bad you can’t get paid for the lolz here. But I think every time someone spits coffee on their keyboard, a fairy gets her Manolos.

    • Catelyn

      I tend to skip financial ones, home-buying (unless in DC), trying to conceive/breastfeed/other momly things, weight loss/diets, and discussions of fancy purses. I’ll read pretty much everything else.

      • CA Atty

        Oh yeah, fancy purses. I do NOT get y’all’s fascination with fancy (read: expensive) purses. I have a giant satchel I got new at a flea market for 2-$15 and I love it. Similarly, I wear sunglasses that I usually get for $5 each at the flea market, I usually will “splurge” and get the deal of 5 pairs for $20. Since I usually lose/sit on/scratch them, I like having backups. Also I learned from a remarkable tan/sunburn line once that it’s a good idea to wear different sunglass styles on different days of vacation.

      • Bunkster

        I’m basically you. I also skip the political ones. And I skip all home-buying discussions.

    • Nonny

      I skip US political discussions (totally mystifying to me), US tax/employment benefit discussions and Bar admission threads, and generally just skim skincare and vacation threads for places that I know nothing about. I read the pregnancy threads even though I have no experience in that area, simply out of curiosity.

      • Supra

        Along the same lines: I always feel somewhat bad that I usually (and enjoy) commenting on the clothing (I mean, this *is* a fashion blog), but I don’t usually respond to heavier topics or people looking for advice on real problems. Its probably my own paranoia, but I feel like its shallow and vain to only respond when its about the clothes/hair/make-up.

    • a passion for fashion

      i read all of the clothes/accessory discussions — thats why i come to this blog after all, and i skim the what are you wearing threads. I like to see what other people put together and possibly get good ideas. Though i prefer the twist on it when someone asks for advice about how to style something — i love all of the suggestions.

      I skip the skin care/hair care/exercise/eating stuff most of the time (Im interested in the last two, but prefer to get that elsewhere).

      I usually skip the job search/office/national politics stuff.

      And I skim and sometimes read the family/kids stuff.

    • Bluejay

      Politics, what everyone is wearing today, and any question that seems to have been asked and answered a dozen times already (which may vary depending on my mood and whether I read the previous threads on which it was asked and answered).

      • TCFKAG

        I love the asked and answered threads — I can make myself sound so SMART. :-)

    • TCFKAG

      The thread two below this has also reminded me that I also skip all threads about cleaning as a matter of principle. :-)

    • Makeup Junkie

      Skip motherhood/pregnancy/TTC topics (after I googled TTC to see what it meant), TV (since I don’t own one that actually picks up any channels)
      Love topics on makeup, skin care, travel, office politics, weight loss (I’m a former fatty) and exercise (hoping for inspiration)
      Skim What Are You Wearing because I need inspiration there too

      • Ashley

        My latest favorite workout uses the Tobata method. It’s basically a 2:1 ratio of exertion, so you do 20 seconds hardcore: 10 seconds rest. I do a boot camp where we do this for about 30 minutes with different exercises and boxing combinations in between. GREAT workout :)

        • Makeup Junkie

          I did some googling and there’s an app for that! That definitely helps get started, I think. Thanks again for the rec; I need to work on keeping off all this weight I lost.

      • a.

        It took me like, a month to figure out what TTC meant. I was not smart enough to google it.

    • Monday

      Cool question!

      I tend to skip:
      –conversations very specifically about law school, practicing law, or the bar, since I am not a lawyer
      –weight loss
      –destination/vacation, unless I have special knowledge (which I rarely do)
      –what are you wearing?

      I always read advice threadjacks. I’m biiiiig into advice columns and admittedly I read and comment here partly because it’s so inclusive and also seems to provide us with a somewhat screened community of people with whom we have some basic things in common. Honestly, I do not like most of the items Kat posts, and have never bought even one of them. The conversations are what draws me.

      I also will cop to going back to most threads I missed and doing a search for “Ellen” because I don’t want to miss a beat on that front. I know, guys. I know.

      • CA Atty

        I always skip:
        Kids/pregnancy/TTC,
        What are you wearing or whatever, those posts never make sense to me,

        Usually skim:
        Financial to see if it’s relevant to me (rarely since all my excess funds go to my student loans and there aren’t many excess funds to begin with!),
        Destination/vacation because I never have recommendations, even if I live somewhere,
        Tv/books but rarely seem to have anything to contribute but the comments are usually quite amusing,
        Cleaning, little interest for me,
        Politics, I’m interested but I don’t really follow so I don’t have anything to contribute,

        Love:
        Clothes/accessories/skincare/haircare/lifehacking type stuff,
        Weight loss/exercise
        Advice TJs are kind of my reason for being here (although I did once buy a pair of pants from WH/BM that I loved for years!)

        I feel like I’m forgetting some categories so I’ll just say I pretty much read everything else and sometimes get very into commenting and sometimes…not so much. Thank goodness TCFKAG is here to pick up the slack!

      • Eleanor

        First, it’s hilarious that you seek out Ellen. Second, I think she was much funnier and more bizarre a long time ago (like, more than a year – I think maybe we’re on a second Ellen, as others have suggested). If I were going to catch up on Ellen, I would search some of the old threads.

    • K in NYC

      I read the ones that deal with fashion on the super cheap (aka under $30), that deal with people’s personal life issues, the tv shows that I watch, the dating questions, or something where I think I might be able to contribute (like a person who plans to visit NYC or something asking for suggestions).

      I skip the clothing stuff for the most part (too expensive so it doesn’t matter whether I love/hate it), pregnancy, kids, taking the bar, etc.

      Politics are tricky for me because I am really politically active and it’s tough for me not to get into debates with people so I try to at least limit the number of times I’ll pipe up in such.

      Oh, and I also read for the follow-ups within the comments… I really -do- want to know what came of someone’s mother-in-law visit that she asked about last week or a problem at work that someone mentioned the day before. I love to hear how things turned out, especially the happy ending stories!

    • Anon

      I skip all threads relating to The Skirt. I don’t get the love. It looked really dowdy on me and I generally love pencil skirts.

      • Amelia Bedelia

        nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. you cannot disparage the skirt!!!!!!!!!!

    • AD

      Pretty much with you on this, TechAnon. Read clothes/shoes/bags/general style threads as well as office politics. Some interest in travel, make-up, exercise and weightloss. Feel general sympathy for those having a bad dary or worse. Skip weddings/pregnancy/babies completely. Don’t come here for politics. Not a lawyer. Not particularly interested in skincare/haircare. Apparently don’t read the same books or watch the same TV shows as most of you either.

    • MelD

      Skip: kids/pregnancy, what are you wearing, most of the city-specific travel advice, pets, meetups, how to find a doctor/housekeeper/tailor, discussions about anything ultra wintery

      Skim: makeup, finance, weightloss/exercise, hair, purses, gift purchase advice

      Sometimes read: Ellen

      Read: Office politics, relationship advice, wedding/bridesmaid drama (I am always oddly drawn in), clothing, accessories, shoes, some national politics.

      • TechAnon

        If my eye catches something Bridezilla, I will read that. Normal weddings don’t interest me, but dysfunctional ones? Yeah!

        • Amy H.

          There is no such thing as a “normal” wedding. All are dysfunctional, each in its own way . . . .
          :D

    • 2L

      I skip any pregnancy, TTC, wedding, what am I wearing, what should I do in X place if not relevant, diet & exercise or weightloss stuff. Also skip all politics.

      I love workplace scenarios. I also really like the marriage stuff actually. It’s cool to hear advice from married adults!

      I have to say – I’ve sort of stopped reading the very long internal conversations between other posters.

    • eek

      I read/skim almost everything. I’m curious by nature; my aptitude test told me so. I find most things interesting and I learn something new all the time (hello, argan oil). I comment when I feel quite strongly about something or I have something meaningful/supportive to say and I can articulate those thoughts in a positive manner.

      • TechAnon

        eek, I always think of you as an articulate poster who adds something useful to the discussion. It helps that you have a memorable handle.

    • Amy H.

      Interesting thread!

      I usually skip: Clarisonic, skin care generally, makeup, hair, Ellen, U.S./world politics and TTC/pregnancy/br*astfeeding/child-rearing (though not always).

      Favorite topics/threads: Office politics (including how to advance in one’s career and NGDGTCO-type subjects); personal finances; SO/spouse relationship issues; books; cooking; running; and What Are You Wearing Today?

      And I hope TCFKAG finds a magical new job that is fascinating and fulfilling for her yet leaves her an infinite amount to time to post on Corporette!

      • AN

        Skip: clarisonic, tv shows, Medicare and similar stuff, pension, retirement
        Skim: pregnancy, adoption

    • Houda

      I always skip TTC – US politics – Career advice posts that start with I am a 1L 2L whatever
      I often skip: Pregnancy – Relationship – wedding etiquette – ELLEN/ALAN
      I go through: outfits – rants – yeay comments – and keep an eye on some posters ups and downs (legally blonde, bunkster , K in NYC etc.),
      Basically, I am lurking here.. (stil trying to understand the LL points algorithm.. I am slow I guess); but I comment when I have something to add.

      • Houda

        I also skip money – investment – 401k – student loans – home buying etc. they are not relevant to my culture.

  7. momentsofabsurdity

    Such a beautiful day — so hard to stay motivated to work when I see sunshine and nearly 70 degree weather outside my window!

    • Ashley

      You could come work in my office today with the end-of-the-world weather outside. It’s seriously like the apocalypse with wind and rain and ominous clouds. Sadly, it makes me want to snuggle up in a warm blanket and some chicken-rice soup instead of work :)

    • Cali CPA

      I just got back from lunch, where I sat in the 70 degree sun and it was wonderful. I have no idea how I’m going to work another 8-9 more hours after that. I can see the ocean from my office and I am now daydreaming about being at the beach. I like to imagine that the 40 minutes I was outside gave me some sort of color, but no such luck.

    • CA Atty

      Isn’t it just gorgeous here today! I’m north but it’s 70 beautiful, sunny. etc here too…I can actually leave at 5 today and I am counting the minutes!

  8. TJ

    Reposting from earlier (feel free to skip):

    So the other day, I was speaking with my 25 year old neice and she thought I was being too conservative and old school for suggesting she take out her conch and helix piercings. She works in a business casual enviornment but people may have the wrong assumptions about her/work. Am I being too old school and it actually doesnt matter? I thnk a few posters here before mentioned that they have gotten away with non traditional piecings but she’s junior so I’m thinking it’s a bit different.

    • a.

      I think that’s a know-your-office situation. It would matter in some work environments, but not in others. I mean, I have friends who wear nose-rings to their consulting jobs, and it doesn’t seem to get in their way any; but I’m sure plenty of bosses would also have a cow if a woman showed up with anything but pierced lobes.

    • TCFKAG

      I had to google both of these since I had never heard these terms before.

      As for the helix — as long as she doesn’t have a crazy ring in it or anything, I think this is a fairly standard piercing and isn’t so far out of the norm as to raise any alarms. I wouldn’t worry about it.

      As for the conch — that one is a little more questionable and is a know your workplace type piercing. Definitely (if she can) I’d take it out before going to a job interview. On the other hand, if she doesn’t want to work at a place that’s so stiff-upper-lippy that they can’t handle a slightly non-traditional ear piercing, then maybe she should leave it in!

    • cc

      I’m only 28 and I don’t know what that means! and I am scared to google. I feel very old now haha

    • Cali CPA

      I had to google these too, and honestly I wouldn’t care about them (of course, I’m fairly close to your niece’s age). I think that this is definitely an office-by-office thing. We had a new hire at the last place that I worked that had the back of her neck pierced, which I didn’t even know was a thing. As far as I know, no one ever said anything to her.

      PS They’re both in different parts of the ear, if anyone is too scared to google!

    • a passion for fashion

      i think its fine. I didnt know what those areas were, but I have what i think is the area just below my helix (i.e., the top part of my ear) pierced, and have for years. I work in big law in a major city. ive never thought twice about it. I wear two small diamond studs. But then again, I also have a small visable tatoo.

    • mamabear

      I think any piercings in the ear where you wear regular earrings are OK. A single nose piercing with a stud is also OK in my book. Eyebrow and lip piercings or those ear piercings designed to make the earlobes huge are taking it a step too far for most offices, I think.

      • mamabear

        I do work on the West Coast (albeit in a traditional office setting) so maybe my tolerances would be too relaxed for a buttoned-up New England office. I don’t know.

      • Anon in Cali

        I agree it’s a know your workplace sort of thing but I will mention that I knew an attorney once who shortly after beginning at a new, bigger law firm pierced her cheek sort of below the outer corner of her eye. She wasn’t employed there much longer and it wasn’t her idea. I don’t think she was fired -just- for that, but…

    • eaopm3

      I think the helix piercing is fine because it is so mainstream at this point and the earring itself can be dainty and unobtrusive, but I think that depending on the type of industry she works in and part of the country, the conch piercing has to go. It squicks me out a little bit for some reason and I think it’s just a bit much. I feel the same way about a chick I went to law school with who had (and still has) about eight piercings all the way up her earlobe. She wears little diamonds in each hole… but it still bothers me. (FWIW, I have an alternative ear piercing of my own – tragus – and the only reason I haven’t taken it out is because it would just leave a hole that never healed up and I think an earring looks better than a hole.)

      • Anon

        how is a tragus more acceptable than a conch piercing? (don’t mean to be snarky, but I’m really curious)

        • eaopm3

          I don’t think it is. I would take it out, but like I said, it will leave a hole so I prefer to just wear a tiny, unobtrusive stud instead, hoping for the best.

      • CA Atty

        It seems to me the helix is fine, quite mainstream, conch and tragus are going a bit far for me, but I tend to be a straight arrow in regards to piercings. The only reason it would matter is the impression she may give off to people/clients who don’t know her, but she can overcome tht pretty easily.

      • phillygirlruns

        i took my 12g tragus ring out about 7 years ago and don’t really have a hole – more like a dent.

        • eaopm3

          How long did you have it in? I have had mine in for almost ten years. It’s only 20g, so it’s a pretty small hole, so maybe it would close up. But, I had my belly button ring in for less than four years, took it out about ten years ago… and it still hasn’t closed up.

          • phillygirlruns

            i think i had it for 5 years. i can’t remember whether i got it done in high school or early in college. i still have my navel ring in – i can’t bring myself to get rid of it.

    • MelD

      Did I respond to this already- sorry if I did. I don’t find any ear piercing to be particularly out there as long as the jewelry is really dainty, and I don’t think anyone would blink an eye or even notice at my workplace (where we have plenty of people with visible tattoos). I think piercings in other areas would probably be pushing it, however.

    • karenpadi

      The conch has got to go.

      I had a helix piercing (I didn’t even know it was called that) in college but ended up removing it shortly after law school. Some of my friends thought I was being overly conservative but I figured it was time to “grow up”. I regretted taking it out for about a year, then I realized it was for the best and made my peace with it. I have a tiny bump still on my out helix that I can feel but not see.

      I did re-pierce my ears about a year ago because my holes were not in the right place and were really uneven. So technically I have two holes in each lobe but only use one–the other is usually covered by my earrings. I can’t wait for those to grow back in.

      • In-House Europe

        This is strictly for the legal world but…Take them out if you have any client dealings – my conservative 60 year old CEO would have a heart attack if his expensive outside counsel showed up with “weird” piercings!

    • anon

      I would not find it offensive at all, but I would notice she looked like she just walked out of 1995. I don’t know if those piercings have become “mainstream” as much as they’ve become “dated.”

  9. Cleaning questions

    I have been trying to do better at cleaning my house, and I now have a few questions.

    1 – How exactly do you clean a toilet? My problem is that whatever I use to clean it, I basically feel that I can only use once, and then it is germy — and it gets germs on wherever I take it, like the bathroom floor, the toilet base, etc. I can’t figure out how to effectively clean a toilet without dirtying everything involved in the process of cleaning the toilet — spreading the germs instead of getting rid of them.

    2 – Does one clean walls and doors? (This is based on a model schedule I found online — supposed to clean walls and doors once a month or so.) How does one do it? What about all the parts you can’t reach? What is one supposed to be cleaning, and cleaning with? I generally don’t think of walls and doors and dirty.

    Thanks!

    • Always a NYer

      Clorox Toilet Wand. It has disposable cleaning pods (?) and it has its own little stand/storage container.

      • Cleaning questions

        Do you use it just inside the bowl, or also for the seat, back, base, etc.? Do you do the least germy parts first, then inside the bowl last?

        • Latina

          I use it on the top and inside the bowl. For everywhere else I use that bathroom foam stuff with the bubbles and a little spounge guy on it. I have no idea what the stuff is called but it comes in a green & blue can. It also comes in a shower formula.

          I use two rags on the rest of the toilet. One for the first time around then rinse with the second. I then wash the rags (alone) in the washing machine. I run the machine on hot after I wash my dirty rags. Is that gross? I would use bleach but my machine says I can’t.

          • Catelyn

            Scrubbing Bubbles! I use those for everything, including cleaning my stovetop (probably not recommended…).

      • Latina

        This. I take the bathroom garbage and put it right on the edge of the toilet so I can toss it without dripping everywhere. The only thing I hate about them is when the blue foam gets into my white grout. I can’t get it out :(

    • mamabear

      1) clorox wipes. (not that I clean anymore, thank you cleaning service)

      2) huh?? my husband gets wacky once in a while and vaccuums the baseboards and picture railing. If there’s an obvious mark on the wall or door we clean it. I think the cleaning service cleans doorknobs every visit.

      • Makeup Junkie

        Clorox wipes are a gift from the Big Man Upstairs. I use those for EVERYTHING – toilet, sink, doorknobs, desk, counters, shower, floor, everything.

        I also put bleach or PineSol in the toilet bowl so it flushes through a few times. Old-fashioned and probably not environmentally-friendly, but my mom was a cleaning lady and this is how she did it so this is how I do it too.

    • AnonInfinity

      1. I use some sort of toilet bowl cleaner (Clorox brand, maybe?) inside the toilet bowl with a toilet brush which has its own special holder. Then I wipe down the outside surfaces of the toilet with Clorox wipes, which are disposable.

      2. No. The only time I’ve ever cleaned the walls was when my dog cut his tail, wagged it, and splashed blood all over the walls. I just used a damp paper towel for that.

      • KK

        1. I do the same- toilet brush (non-disposable, but with separate holder) for bowl and clorox wipes for outside surfaces. As for spreading germs around: bleach kills things, but otherwise there’s really only so much to you can do about this. Just don’t go around lickings toilets and wash your hands if you touch the toilet surfaces. You will probably be just fine.

        2. I clean the walls when they look dirty. Usually with just a towel soaked in hot water.

    • SpaceMountain

      I recommend you check out the book “Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House,” by Cheryl Mendelson, if you are just starting at keeping house. It’s a huge book; she covers just about everything.

      • so anonymous

        my mom gave me that book for Christmas. I think she thinks I’m not domestic enough :)

        • Migraine Sufferer

          My mother-in-law gave me a subscription to “Good Housekeeping” magazine for Hanukkah….

        • eek

          She probably does. When I was separated, my mom would leave me prayers all.the.time. I still ended up getting divorced. I just got a pamphlet titled “Life in a Peaceful New World”; she must be worried about me….hmmm.

      • zora

        I was just going to recommend this book, too! Love having it around, I refer to it all the time.

    • MaggieLizer

      See cleaning lady thread.

      Inspired by you all, I finally hired a housekeeper and she started today! I’m practically giddy; I can’t wait to go home to see my nice clean place!

      • MaggieLizer

        But seriously, the Mr. Clean magic eraser is great for wall scuffs. My walls are beige-ish, though, so I’m not sure how that would work if you have color on your walls.

      • Bluejay

        Yay! My advice is not to be shy if it’s not cleaned how you want it – she can’t clean it right if you don’t tell her how you want it. At first I was really shy about telling the cleaners what to do because I felt bad that they were cleaning for me at all, but I got over that and it is so much better if it’s done properly.

    • cleaning

      I generally use Lysol or Clorox wipes on the base/seat/top of the toilet, since they are disposable. I use the thick “cling” stuff for the inside of the bowl and scrub it with a toilet brush. I will give the door and cabinet knobs a once-over with the wipes when I remember, and the baseboards get wiped down occasionally. The walls (aside from the tiled shower walls) don’t get wiped down. I do, however, wipe down the wall behind the stove in my kitchen, as that tends to get food splatters when boiling soups/sauces etc. I use a Swiffer on the floors, again, because I like the disposable towels vs. a mop that seems like it’s just moving the germs around!

    • AIMS

      1. You should use different tools for inside toilet and outside. The bathroom is the province of my dear Mr. AIMS but basically: some kind of clorox blue & green bottle liquid inside bowl, let it sit, toilet brush on the inside; clorox spray and paper towels on the outside. If you’re worried about germs, you can get a disposable toilet brush.

      2. Yes, I clean the walls. We have very tall ceilings and huge windows so dust accumulates on the walls. I bought a big long duster at IKEA (imagine the typical french maid duster but instead of a poof it’s a long fluffy stick) and I just skim the walls, ledges, ceiling fans, whatever, with it when I notice it needs to be done. For high smudge areas like near doors, corners, etc., Mr.Clean Magic Eraser will take out any smudges/marks. I’ve also used windex and a paper towel but be careful with that if your walls are painted a color.

      • b23

        Now I have a maid, so it doesn’t matter, but about a year after I got married, I stopped mid-scrub and said, “I’m not doing it anymore.” It’s not me who gets the toilet all nastified, so it’s not me who cleans it. For about three years, I would call my husband in and supervise as he cleaned it. Now it’s just our poor maid who has to do it. :(

        • AIMS

          I just realized that we had very different abilities. Mr. AIMS is responsible for kitchen/bathroom, I do the living/dining area and bedroom. He can’t do things like fluff couch cushions or arrange the clutter in aesthetically pleasing ways so he does all the stuff that’s just straight cleaning and I arrange the magazines to look pretty and vacuum. Although I definitely have more surface area, I secretly think I have the much better deal. Sometimes I almost feel bad! But then I figure how else will I motivate him to work towards my lifegoal of pawning it all off on a beloved maid?

          But yes, at the end of the cleaning spree, he calls me in and I “check” his work.

        • cleaning

          I don’t trust my husband to clean the bathroom, as he’d use the same rag/brush/whatever to clean every surface. You’d think surely not… except I watched him do it while moving out of his college apartment, about 3 weeks before we got married. The guy is a genius, but somehow the concept of germ-transfer escapes him. He also tries to just clean pots and pans with the brush that sits next to the sink, but I stopped that practice as well. He’s actually really good at organizing but TERRIBLE at sanitizing! Yuck, just makes me shudder thinking about our apt. if he was left to his own devices!

          • cleaning

            Note that this is also why I insist on cleaning the empty apt before we move in, no matter how clean it looks. Looks can be deceiving, and there’s a lot of ways to make something appear clean when in fact, it’s not!

          • caesia

            I have a husband story too! I asked him to clean the shower in his apartment when we were dating. He said that he did it, but the thing was still filthy. I poked around and all I could find was a bottle of Shout! When I asked him, he said of course that’s what I used. He had no idea it wasn’t for cleaning surfaces! We promptly went cleaning product shopping to outfit his place. (I swear I’m no clean freak, but Shout!, really?)

          • AnonInfinity

            What is the brush next to the sink for if not cleaning pots and pans? (Serious question) That’s what I use it for?

      • anon

        How do you clean your duster? I haven’t figured it out yet, and I think I have the same Ikea duster.

        • AIMS

          If I didn’t use it much, I just shake it out the window against the wall. If I’ve cleaned the fans and its particularly grimy, I use the vacuum attachment. I love that duster!

    • Bee

      Walls: I clean smudges once in a while. Doors get wiped down ocassionally with a damp sponge, or Windex, or magic eraser (which can leave a dull spot, but I don’t care). We’re messy, and we do get some kind of spots on our doors. I wipe the top of my door frames ( the wood work) once or twice a year, it gets dusty up there.

    • Bluejay

      I use a toilet brush. I guess it is germy, but I only use it for the toilet. I spray some cleaner around the rim, give it a scrub with the toilet brush, flush, rinse the toilet brush, and put it back in its brush holder where it remains until I need it again. So it never touches anything else. I guess I could spray it with Lysol, if I were worried about it.

      • Bluejay

        Oh, that’s for inside the bowl only. I wipe the outside with a paper towel or rag with cleaner sprayed on it (I use 7th Generation all-purpose cleaner, which is all-natural and doesn’t bother my asthma). I also wipe down the walls with a paper towel sprayed with cleaner (but not the same one I used for the toilet). I find that I get hair on the walls somehow and they get smudged.

        They make dusters with extended/bendable arms that you can use for the top of doors and whatnot. But my cleaning lady handles that for me, thank goodness.

        • Bluejay

          Oh, last comment, I swear. I love the Swiffer dusters. They work great for basic weekly dusting.

    • Anon

      I first remove everything from the toilet area, like toilet paper etc as you don’t want cleaners getting on these accidentally. Open a window to let cleaning fumes out. Then squirt toilet cleaner under the rim of the toilet, leave it for a good ten minutes or more, the scrub the hack out of the inside of the toilet it with the toilet brush (you have to have one of these to clean a toilet properly but it is only used to clean the inside of the toilet) making sure you scrub down in the bottom where the water is also. Flush several times when done. Then spray the seat, underneath and top etc with spray and wipe type cleaner(something quite mild as you will be sitting on the seat eventually!) and wipe off with paper towels. Do the same for the cistern and the base of the toilet. Wipe down the floors with a damp paper towel maybe.

    • eek

      1. The Clorox wand, scrub the inside, flush, smile knowingly at the results. Toss scrubbie into trash into the trash. Repeat every 2 weeks (It’s just me). A box of refills lasts me 6 months.

      2. Dude (sorry), cleaning walls and doors once a month is ridiculous. I’ve cleaned walls and doors before and it is so not a monthly job, in my opinion. I don’t think it’s bimonthly, either. Maybe 1-2x a year, if that. Spot clean certain areas if they are high splatter/kid/dog. I follow this method: http://www.howtocleanthings.com/how-to-clean-walls.htm

      – the prep is the most time consuming part
      – you’ll need 2 buckets (1 w/ cleaner and 1 to rinse)
      – a few of the “Quickie Hardwood Dust Mops” – they are available at Lowes in a variety of sizes. And there are replacement cloth mitts which are machine washable and very durable.
      – Dip mop into first solution, wipe onto wall (imagine you are doing a mopping motion), rinse, and use a dry dust mop to dry the wall (you don’t want streaks).
      – it seems tedious, but sure beats using a sponge and it means shorties like me (5’2″) can get all the way to the ceiling. Once you get the hang of it, it goes by fairly quickly and the solution cleaned/restored a few troublesome walls that I was certain would need repainting.

      • eek

        Ok, I’m still wondering who is this perfect person that can clean walls that frequently? I don’t want to be that person. I don’t even like me when I’m cleaning walls. It’s oh so adult.

        • zora

          I kind of think a monthly wall chore is more dusting than cleaning. I definitely quickly dust my walls and the corners of the baseboard/ceiling and grab cobwebs off the ceiling with my long duster thingy once a month at least. And as for ‘doors and walls’ i dont think a monthly chore is *cleaning* the whole door, but more taking a rag w/ cleaner or clorox wipe and wiping off around handles and door jambs and other spots where things get grimy.

          I agree that actually *cleaning* or washing walls is more of a once/twice a year, thing.

          • eek

            ok, thank you. I tend to feel inadequate with cleaning/trying to keep up with cleaning, so I won’t take it so personally anymore. :D

  10. Gooseberry

    Thanks very much to everyone who saved me from baring my bottom in my meeting yesterday because of static! I went with a water/lotion combo and it worked!

    • SoCal Gator

      Those are really cute. I would love to wear that brand but since they do not come in widths, I fear my bunions would be unhappy with the fit. So you wear them for me!!!!!

      • Nonny

        Oh, SoCal Gator, it may be worth the risk. I love my Fluevogs – I would wear them every day if they matched everything I owned. I don’t really have bunions but have a very wide instep and my Fluevogs were super comfortable right out of the box.

      • mamabear

        I don’t have bunions so can’t comment on that, but I do think many Fluevog styles run a little wide in the toe box.

        I have problem feet, too, and am always posting about barkingdogshoes and the like, but sometimes… damn it all, I just have to wear pretty shoes!

    • Makeup Junkie

      I adore Fluevogs. I promise myself an entire Fluevog shoe wardrobe once my pesky student loans are paid off.

      • R in Boston

        I can’t get behind Fluevogs. The heels just look so… dumpy? Juvenile? Matronly? I can’t decide why exactly, but I know I don’t like the flare at the bottom.

        Have a male friend who wears their shoes all the time.. the shoes the company makes for men are much nicer, IMO.

        • mamabear

          Yes they are not everyone’s cup of tea, which is part of the reason I like them. I do not personally like thin stiletto heels. I think they look unbalanced with the rest of the shoe, in most cases.

          I, too, know a guy who wears lots of Fluevogs. I married him. :)

          I have many, many pairs as I’ve been a loyal customer since 1997.

  12. ceefor

    Ladies, I have to tell you — on my way back from lunch just now, a woman totally stopped me at a crosswalk to compliment my “color palette.” Day: MADE. I would never have been so bold as to wear this ensemble without the hive mind’s suggestions, so thank you!! (For the record: The Skirt in dark magenta, black v-neck, kelly green cardigan, and scarf with black, dark magenta, green, and teal.) Who’s got two thumbs and is now unafraid to wear outfits that aren’t at least 2/3 black? This girl! Thanks, y’all!!

    • b23

      AWESOME! I’m so happy you got positive reinforcement on your first venture!

    • zora

      that outfit sounds amazing! yesterday i wore a maroon shirt w/ a cobalt blue sweater, and grey pants, and I was soooo proud of myself! i’m usually one of the 2/3’s black-ers, too…

    • Bluejay

      I like them, but I see Tory Burch wedges EVERYWHERE. If you like to be unique, I wouldn’t get them. Otherwise, go for it if you can afford them. I have friends who love Tory Burch and say they’re very good quality.

    • Tuesday

      Logos are not for me, either, so I’d pass. Especially since it’s also so far beyond your usual budget.

    • TXAtty

      The giant medallion always bothers me. Kate Spade has the most perfect round toe wedges – with no need to worry about the color of your jewelry/accessories/anything else that might clash with a giant medallion. Same general price point as Tory Burch though, so not much help in the budget department.

      • Anon 42

        Thanks guys. I’ll check out Kate Spade. I would splurge in this price range for something so comfortable, but I also want to like the look of it!

        • AIMS

          If you don’t love the blingy TB medallion, I’d pass. I also hate logos and when I occasionally override my better instincts I always end up not using/wearing the item b/c it’s just “not me.”

      • eek

        I have to jump on the bandwagon here – the KS ones are gorgeous. I want them.

    • SC

      If you’re uncomfortable with the price and they’re not really “you,” I’d pass. When I splurge, I try to do so very deliberately and spend the money on something I love and have been anticipating for a while.

      That said, I’ve owned Tory Burch flats while in law school (they were a gift), and I was happy with the quality. I wore them 3-4 times a week April-September all over NYC for about two years, and they held up very well. I was sad to finally say good-bye.

  14. anon

    It’s been discussed in the threads recently that women rarely apply to a job they’re not totally qualified for. Taking this in the other direction, at what point do you think that it’s just too much of a reach? I saw a job posting for an in-house position in my dream industry “preferring” 5 years’ exp in x field, as well as general litigation/client skills. I have a year of clerkship experience and almost 1 year in y field, and have had a lot of client contact, general lit/advisory developm. I’ve worked in said dream industry for 2 years before law school (it’s not a technical field by any means though). I’m probably being delusional, but would like to hear someone tell me so so i can move on!

    • TCFKAG

      What is the absolute worst that happens if you apply? You don’t hear anything! If you’re interested in a job and its not RIDICULOUS for you to apply, APPLY.

      That’s how I treat it anyway.

    • CA Atty

      Absolutely apply. “preferring?” Heck yeah, APPLY! Now, there is one law firm I’m aware of that specifically says “you must have passed the bar in x year to apply for this job.” I didn’t apply for those jobs, ever, actually, since by the time I would’ve I had my wonderful new job.

      But anyway. APPLY

    • Salit-a-gator

      Ditto to everything above. Ask and ye shall receive. The worst they can say is no. You’ve lost nothing except 1/2 hr of your time. At best you get the job, or make a meaningful connection which will later turn into a job opportunity down the line.

      • JAS1

        In August, a contact of mine reached out to me and asked me if I would be interested in applying for a certain position. I wrote back mentioning I was taking a little post-bar exam vaction, but I sent my resume, writing sample, transcript reflecting that I had just graduated in May. I was invtied to interview in a faraway city, bought plane tickets, found a friend whose couch I could crash on, went to the interview and then…..the guy who invited me in the first place askedme which bar admissions I had. I was shocked – I told him that I hadn’t been admitted yet and he rolled his eyes and said that bar admission was a requirement for getting the job. It *couldn’t*have*been* more clear from my materials that I wasn’t admitted yet! I didn’t get the job., but I still think in general you should apply even if you aren’t quite qualified because that is the employer’s decision to make.

    • Bunkster

      I say “Apply” also. Funny story though… last fall I had an interview. During the interview, the woman I spoke with said I wasn’t qualified and asked me why I had applied. And I was stunned. If I wasn’t qualified, why did she have me come in? I had to take the day off from work.

      • job hunting

        This has happened to me too, and I found it completely insulting. I am capable of being told over the phone or email that I am not qualified, no biggie. But do not make me get up super early to put on a suit and fight traffic for a complete waste of time interview. Also, to make matters worse the interviewer was 30 min late. Ok, done ranting (but SERIOUSLY, don’t they value their OWN TIME at least? apparently not)

        • job hunting

          But I still think OP should apply, because it’s better to be told by someone else that you’re not qualified than to decide yourself and pull yourself out of the race when you may have (and more importantly, want) a shot to win.

  15. a passion for fashion

    i love, love them. And if they are as comfortable as you say, i may need to go buy them. go back.

  16. Mothers

    How do you deal with a mother who will. not. stop. arguing and nagging? I’m in my mid-20s and every single time I make any kind of decision or purchase I dread checking my email or answering my phone because I know that I will have message after message from my mother arguing with me about what I want, asking for justifications for every single little thing, and making the same suggestions about what she thinks I should do over and over and over and over. I know that she means well, but I am at the point where I get so frustrated that I actually start crying from the stress of it. I’m buying some new furniture right now, and it’s turning into the most impossibly stressful event because she just won’t quit. I feel like I sound like an obnoxious teenager right now, and that is not how I mean it, but seriously, I can’t take it anymore.

    • Merabella

      There was a post about about overbearing mothers about a week ago maybe? There is a lot of helpful information there.

      I have been going through this recently as well, I am also in my mid-20’s. I think the biggest thing you have to do is set boundaries with your mom.

    • Clueless Summer

      Just don’t tell her when you’re making decisions or purchases…it seems as simple as that to me. If you don’t want her to have input, why does she need to know what you’re doing?

      • Merabella

        Does she have access to your bank stuff? If yes, you need to have her removed. Unless she is footing the bill there is no reason for her to have input in these situations if you don’t want her to.

    • AnonInfinity

      I just refuse to engage. I also don’t tell her until I’ve completely made up my mind and feel confident about my decision can go in one ear and out the other. A typical nagging conversation goes like this for us:

      AnonInfinity: I’m buying a new white couch.
      AnonMom: I hate white. You should get red. What shows so much dirt; why did you chose that?
      AnonInfinity: Because I like white. So today I noticed that the daffodils are blooming. What has been happening on Jeopardy lately?
      AnonMom: Why don’t you get a red couch.
      AnonInfinity: What is AnonDad planting in the garden this year?

      Repeat until AnonMom stops nagging or I get bored and decide to just say “Well, I have to clean the toilet now, talk to you later.”

      I will admit that this has taken years of practice. I’m also very good at tuning out “noise,” which is what I consider nagging to be. It’s happened my whole life from both parents, and I’ve learned you really just have to shrug it off and make a conscious effort not to engage or let it bother you.

      • AnonInfinity

        Oops. My second sentence makes no sense. It should say: I also don’t tell her until I’ve completely made up my mind and feel confident about my decision so her nagging can go in one ear and out the other.

      • Mothers

        I wish so much that I could be good at that. I try to do it, but every time she just sucks me in. I guess I need to start trying harder.

        • CA Atty

          My mom isn’t that bad but I don’t consult her about my furniture at all. I recently (last year) bought a new couch set and she didn’t even know until she came over. I don’t really deliberately not tell her things, I just don’t need her input, nor is new furniture a big topic of conversation for us.

        • K in NYC

          find something mindless to do while you’re on the phone with her then… or play nagging bingo… make yourself a board with squares and write on the pieces typical things she says or does. “compares me with my sister” or “brings up how I didn’t go to x school” or “reminds me of that thing I did when I was 5” or “tells me how she spent 28 hrs in labor” or whatever is specific for her. buy a pack of individual sized m&m’s or skittles or get some cereal pieces and play when you call her. Decide in advance what the prize will be (the pedicure you were probably going to get this weekend anyway or watching a fav tv show or whatever you really enjoy) and then just start hoping she’ll say certain things so you can win the game… you’ll begin to find her cr*p slightly amusing and you’ll be distracted enough that you won’t take in as much of what she says to be upset by it.

          • K in NYC

            well I don’t know if there are any patent attorneys or trademark attorneys here but y’all know this was my idea first, if anyone steals it and markets it as their own, I’m hiring an attorney! ;)

        • AnonInfinity

          Everyone else has made excellent suggestions since this afternoon!

          I don’t know how helpful this is, but I had a come to Jesus moment with myself one day where I said, “AnonInfinity — You can choose to be upset and stressed and unhappy or you can choose to let most things roll off your back, live your life without worrying about what people thing [for the most part], and be happy.” And since that moment I’ve really tried to live my life that way. If I find myself getting worked up about my parents’ nagging (and it does happen from time to time), I’ll give myself the same pep talk. I can’t control what they say to me, but I can control my reaction to it.

    • mamabear

      Oh honey, I dread becoming the kind of mother you have. I mean, no matter what kind of mother I am, I know my kids will at some point Have Issues with me, but I hope it’s not these issues.

      Your mom clearly still sees you as incapable of being a fully independent adult.

      (Here, speaking as a mom, I can tell you I will never be able to imagine my children as anything other than toothless, chubby babies, so I feel for your mom.)

      What you have to do is be that teenager that sneaks around behind your mom’s back. Buy the furniture, but don’t tell her you’re buying furniture until it’s bought.

      Of course, if you ask her for money for the furniture, then she gets to have an opinon, maybe even all the opinions, about your purchase.

      You also need to find other people to vent to, to ask for advice, and to generally go to for life issues. If you ask her or complain to her, she’s going to want to fix it for you. That’s what we do.

      But you are the one who has to cut the apron strings. Of course, you can and should still talk to your mom, but you have to get out of the habit of seeking any approval from her about anything. And don’t ask her for help or money for your purchases.

    • K in NYC

      A few things…

      1. If she’s not financially supporting you in any way (and you don’t owe her money), stop telling her what you spend money on. Begin to recognize that there are certain areas of your life that you can’t share with her without nagging and learn to stop yourself from telling her about those things.

      2. Start limiting your time communicating with her until you’re stronger in your boundaries with her… call her while you’re driving somewhere so you only have 10 mins to chat and make sure to ask lots of questions about her (less for you to volunteer about yourself), call while you’re waiting for something to be finished in 20 mins, etc.

      3. Learn to stop taking her so personally, she’s your mother but she’s only one person. If you let any one person make you cry over the stress, you need to work on why you’re letting someone else have so much control over your happiness.

      Hope it helps!

      • TechAnon

        This x1000. I do all these things with my mother, but it took until I was in my 40s to figure out what works.

    • Makeup Junkie

      Your mother is your mother, not your friend. She doesn’t need to know about your furniture preferences, because you’re an adult with your own income and not the need for her approval.
      It’s a hard switch to flip, but once you do it, you’ll be free.

    • Mothers

      Thank you everyone for the advice.

      I should say that the reason she knows about the furniture purchases is that I am making a big move across the country (which she obviously has to know about), so the furniture is kind of part of that. I definitely do try to keep purchases/decisions away from her to the extent possible, but in some instances it’s just stuff that she kind of has to know. I really wish that we could have a relationship where I could say that I’m buying a couch and she could offer a suggestion, accept it when I say I don’t like it, and move on. But maybe it’s not possible.

      • eek

        I will add that normally you can’t hear an eyeroll on a phone call (but, it sounds like maybe your mom can!). Although, engaging in a eyerolling behavior is probably habit-forming, so don’t listen to me. You should just drink more wine and let us pick out the color of your couch.

      • Seattleite

        It sounds like you’re trying to convince her as hard as she’s trying to convince you. Hers is the bigger offense, because it’s not her business. But when she says “you should buy the red couch because blah blah blah,” that’s your cue to say “okay, mom, I’ll keep that in mind,” or “that’s something to think about, certainly,” or some other deflection. And then just do your thing anyway.

        So instead of Mom “accepting it when I say I don’t like it,” maybe stop the cycle earlier. She offers a suggestion, you listen to the suggestion w/o evaluating it or saying anything that will make her defend it, and then just buy the white couch. She won’t stop telling you what she thinks, if you keep demonstrating that you care what she thinks.

    • karenpadi

      Yeah, I don’t tell my mom a lot of stuff. Including major stuff–like having been laid-off, dating a guy for a few months, changing religions, taking a vacation out of the country, and major home repairs. Oops.

      If she discovers it, she usually starts with “why didn’t you tell me?” Me: It didn’t come up and I handled it just fine. Then we go to standard nagging and second guessing. Me: What’s done is done. Do you think I should make pasta or chicken for dinner? Then I agree with what she decides and, when I hang up the phone, order a pizza.

      Boundaries are wonderful things.

      • NOLA

        I called my Dad on his birthday and he started telling me about some lady in his small town who asked about me (no idea who she was, but I lived there for a few months after Katrina). He said that he told her that I don’t tell him much. Well, I live a looooong way away for a reason. I’m divorced, independent, and my Dad doesn’t need to know about every detail of my life. When I moved away at age 25, I decided that I would strive to be completely independent of my Dad financially (although it was hard because I was really broke), because I didn’t want him telling me what to do. That and living halfway across the country…

      • Anon

        Yes, me and my sibs often don’t tell our mother things til way after the fact because she just tries to challenge every decision. Are you sure that X is the right thing to do? Etc. She is not capable of being neutral and supportive so I generally don’t expect that of her now. Things that are unresolved in my own mind are not things I discuss with her as she focuses the negatives and takes things to a very emotional almost hysterical place.

  17. Help?

    A dear friend just told me that her wedding is off – and she has left her fiance. I’m heartbroken for her and I know this must have been a tough decision. For logistical reasons, I can’t go to visit her. We’ve only been in touch via email so far, although I plan to call her and check in over the weekend. I’d really like to do something nice for her – flowers, a massage, anything – but I’m not really sure what gesture would be appropriate under the circumstances. Any suggestions on how to be a good friend in this situation would be greatly appreciated!

    In case it’s relevant: although she hasn’t been very forthcoming so far, it sounds like the relationship may not be completely over. It sounds like she decided she needed to leave to reevaluate and decide what she wants.

    • SC

      Calling and listening to her seems like the best way to be a good friend. I’m sure she would also appreciate a card that says, “I’m thinking about you, call anytime.”

      If I were in her position, a gift card for a massage or just a day spa would be lovely. It would be a good way for her to get some time to relax by herself – especially considering she may be spending a lot of time explaining things to friends and family, which would be stressful for me.

      Flowers would also be nice, but try to pick something cheerful and neutral, not associated with romance/ celebration/ mourning.

    • Nonny

      I’ve been there. Best thing you can do is let her know you are there to talk, anytime, no judgements. But she may need some time and not be ready to talk yet. If you want to give her something, I am sure flowers or a massage would be lovely.

    • DC Association

      What about asking her if she would like to come visit you? sometimes just getting away helps a person.

    • 30

      The #1 thing you can do is not disappear. Call her, send her emails, send her cards – even just to say “hi” and that you’re thinking of her. And keep reaching out to her, even if she’s not her normal communicative self.

      When I broke off my engagement to the evil ex, all of my friends seemed to vanish. In retrospect, I think a lot of them weren’t sure what to say, so they didn’t say anything. But it was terrible.

      • zora

        i completely second this one. I was so unhappy after a bad breakup that I didn’t reach out to my friends, and they all thought i was ‘mad’ at them, and disappeared and it was horrible. If someone had kept checking in, even when i had nothing to say, it would have made such a difference, and i probably wouldn’t have gotten into a bad place emotionally…. Don’t feel pressured to have something profound to say, and don’t be discouraged if she doesn’t have anything to say. Just the distraction of haivng someone say hi, and talking about something completely frivolous as frequently as possible would have really helped me.

  18. Monday

    Another Corporette meta-comment: thanks for all who enlightened us this morning on where your handles came from!

    @January– I was totally wondering who was the former ARL! Awesome. I will add that both Monday and January are pretty harsh, and few people look forward to them. OWN IT. “If you can make it here…”

    I also assume you look like January Jones.

    • mamabear

      Wait, I look like the mom from the Berenstain bears, while January looks like January Jones?

      • Monday

        Bahaha! Absolutely not. I do kind of enjoy picturing that character as an actuary, however.

      • Seattleite

        It could be worse. I’m a Space Needle, with nude-for-me pumps on each of my supports.

      • Coalea

        Mamabear, I don’t necessarily imagine what you look like, but your handle has always made me think that if I needed a big bear hug, you would be there for me!

    • January

      Oh my goodness, I look NOTHING like January Jones. But I’m vain enough that I’ll allow you all to continue to think that I do. Haha.

    • Former MidLevel

      I am now (temporarily) in my hometown, which is so small I fear outing myself. But I’m moving soon – any Corporettes in Oklahoma?

      • Former MidLevel

        Oops – this was supposed to be in the other thread. And apparently the mention of “Oklahoma” causes moderation. What’s going on, tech-wise this morning?

  19. Circe

    Anyone have a review of the KS Karolina? I have bunionish tendencies, but find that some heels are comfy, and I hear KS does well in the toe box/padding areas. Thanks!

  20. Woods-comma-Elle

    To carry on the meta-theme – I’ve been kinda wondering where everyone is located. I know a few people are in Canada and a bunch of people in NY/Bay Area/Boston, but what about the really ‘random’ ones? I find it really interesting how Corporette is kinda pervasive across so many different areas (like the person earlier who was living somewhere really rural, it’s awesome). What are the smaller cities where one finds Corporette-readers?

    (I would of course invite people to respond to this anonymously, if they choose to, as I appreciate if you are from somewhere smaller, then you are more easily outable)

    Oh and it’s no secret (and probably known to a few), that I’m in London…

  22. Stinky

    Deodorant help, please. What kind actually works and doesn’t leave white junk on the insides of your shirt armpits?

    Ones I have tried and put aside because they do not meet the two critical factors test above: Dove, Secret Clinical Strength, and Crystal Stick and Tom’s. Suggestions?

    • AIMS

      I’m actually on a quest for better deodarant myself because while I don’t sweat a lot, I think I’ve used mine so long it no longer works for me. BUT – to avoid the white marks, I find you just have to put it on pre-clothes and let it dry a few minutes. This works for me pretty well 99% time.

    • Tuesday

      I just use whatever unscented one that’s on sale. For the white junk, try switching to applying at night instead of the morning. I read an article that said most last for 24 hours, so get your sleep shirt gunked up instead of your nice clothes (I paraphrase, of course). No worries, apparently, about showering in the morning; by that time it’s all absorbed.

    • Diana Barry

      I use old spice men’s in the blue translucent stick, goes on clear. I think it is called “pure sport” or something. I find men’s deodorant to be stronger than women’s, usually. I went through secret, dove, ban, degree, mitchum, etc., and found that when I used my husband’s (old spice), it worked better.

      • cbackson

        I used to wear Lady Mitchum in the days of my youth, and I remember that it was marketed as “the deodorant so strong, you can even skip a day.” I don’t remember if that was actually TRUE, however.

      • Catelyn

        I use Old Spice too! Also because one day I borrowed my boyfriend’s and discovered that it’s so much better. You do have to smell like Old Spice though. It’s a trade-off. But no white residue and no stinkiness!

    • Bluejay

      I use Dove Ultimate Sensitive Skin and have no problems. Also have had no problems with other deodorants by Dove. If I put on too much, then I get white stuff, but if I just use one swipe it prevents odor all day and doesn’t get on my shirt at all.

      • I am a banana.

        I used Dove for a long time and then one day it just stopped working for me…is that a thing? AIMS’s comment above made me think it isn’t just me.

        • Bluejay

          I wonder if they changed the formula? I’ve been using it for as long as I can remember – I think since it came out 10 years ago, but I switched to the Ultimate line when that came out a year or two ago.

      • Divaliscious11

        I order Dove cream from London. It works, and because it is a cream, it rubs in. I also like Kiehl’s for the same reason.

    • Anon

      I think this is one where you gotta try different ones to see what works for your body chemistry. For ex – Kat has mentioned she used Lady Mitchum before so I tried that last summer. I ended up ruining not one but 2 suit jackets from the horrible BO stench ( it had some awful reaction with my body chemistry). No hard feelings Kat – works for some and not for others!

    • SunnyD

      If you don’t sweat and just need to control BO, try using milk of magnesia–seriously, it works (I live in Texas and it works thru our horrible summers). I buy the brand name bottle (I think it’s Phillips), shake it, pour some on my hands, apply, let dry. No more BO (and mine was pretty bad before–nothing else worked for me). And it also doesn’t have aluminum, which I like.

      I read the suggestion from the People’s Pharmacy–check out their website if you want more info on it.

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