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Coffee Break: Loraine Loafer

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tan loafer

As we slide into spring, this “saddle” color is the perfect thing to wear with so many colors and cuts for pants — I feel like it's the new “nude shoe.”

Even better, this exact shoe is a reader favorite, and this colorway is on sale! It's $89, at Nordstrom, available in medium and wide sizes 5-14. (Other colors are still in stock if you need a size smaller than 5.)

The shoe comes in a dizzying array of colors, priced $67-$150.

As of 2025, some of our favorite loafers for work are from Sam Edelman, Everlane, and Madewell. If you want something more classic, readers love Sperry and Ferragamo; if you want comfort, Vionic and Dr. Scholl's both have options. Meanwhile, if you want something a bit more feminine or slouchy, the Tory Burch loafers are all really highly rated at Nordstrom (especially this “ballet loafer“)!

black loafer with gold bit detail on vamp
Sam Edelman
black loafers for work outfits; there is a gold detail across the top of the shoe
Ferragamo
black loafers for work outfits
Sperry
black loafer from comfort shoe company Vionic
Vionic

Sales of note for 4/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – 5,263 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 40% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles
  • Brooks Brothers – Friends & Family Sale: 30% off sitewide
  • The Fold – 25% off selected lines
  • Eloquii – $29+ select styles + extra 40% off all sale
  • Everlane – Spring sale, up to 70% off
  • J.Crew – Spring Event: 40% off sitewide + extra 50% off sale styles + 50% swim & coverups
  • J.Crew Factory – 40%-70% off everything + extra 70% off clearance
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Earth Day Sale: Take 25% off eco-conscious fabrics. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Madewell – Extra 30% off sale + 50% off sale jeans
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 30% off entire purchase w/Talbots card

137 Comments

    1. Oh my god, did you read beyond the headline? The judge asked that question. And the counsel replied:

      “I think that that would be within the President’s constitutional authority under the removal power,” he responded, adding that **“there would be separate questions about whether that would violate other provisions of the Constitution.”**

      That is a completely benign statement. He is saying that the removal power itself is broad but that other Constitutional provisions may constrain that sort of action. That is an appropriate response from a lawyer who is solely addressing the breadth of the removal power and is being asked a question that would raise other issues that are not properly before the court at that time.

      I love TPM, but that is a really bad clickbait headline.

    1. This shoe is my ride or die. I have three colors and am wearing a pair now! TTS for me.

  4. My hair has been getting so incredibly greasy lately. I do wash it every day with Pantene Sheer Volume shampoo and conditioner, but I’ve been using that for years without any issues. I also use a clarifying scalp scrub once or twice a week. This morning I washed my hair and added dry shampoo after blow drying and my hair currently feels greasy but less than days when I don’t dry shampoo. I don’t have a clue why this is happening but I feel so gross and ugly. My hair is thin and fine so any grease takes away the little volume I have and it feels and looks plastered to my head.

    Any ideas here? Is this an issue I should bring up to my doctor and if so, which one? PCP? dermatologist?

    1. Wash it less and with gentler stuff. You’re stripping the oils off your scalp so it’s making more.

      1. I wish that this was true for me (oily person, fine hair) but I tried this over maternity leave and my hair was even worse. It loves a scrub. Maybe a vinegar rinse for OP? Rinse well. And alcohol-based styling products like mousse.

      2. Yah some of us are naturally oily no matter what we do. If I don’t wash 1x a day it’s bad bad bad

        The solution for me is NOT to wash less

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      3. Nope, that’s not how it works for many of us. Our scalp is oily no matter what. OP you should get a new shampoo. I switch between a few different options whenever I finish a bottle. Are you sweating in your sleep or while you get ready in the morning? I prefer to shower at night then sleep on damp hair. Blow drying wet hair in the morning just makes me sweat.

      4. I don’t think this is true. I saw a dermatologist bust this myth recently.

      5. Nah, that is not the way for many of us. I don’t know when everyone became so opposed to washing their hair.

    2. Have you moved lately? The water in your new house can have different minerals. My hair haaates the water where we currently live.

      1. +1

        I have fine hair that trends greasy after 24 hours, OR with too much styling product. I can’t do dry shampoo because it immediately makes my hair look like it hasn’t been washed in weeks. Suave is the best for clarifying. I also can’t do Pantene but prefer Hask and Hibar.

    4. I don’t have an answer for you but I’m so glad you asked because I’m experiencing the same thing! I chalked it up to more early 40s fun…

    5. Any chance you have hard water? I have fine thin hair too, and eventually end up with a lot of build up. I have been using the Malibu hard water remover treatment once a month at my hair stylist’s suggestion – works great.

    6. Washing every day and using a clarifying scrub is a lot – your scalp is probably making more oil to compensate for the dryness!

    7. Are you shampooing twice? If I were using dry shampoo on my hair, the next shampoo would need to be a double. The first shampoo to get the product out and the second to actually clean my hair. Make sure you are only using the conditioner on the ends of your hair. I’d talk to a derm if nothing else works at home.

    8. I have very fine hair and I need to switch up my shampoo a few times a year. My scalp seems to get used to shampoo after a while.

      I like the Trader Joe’s brand clarifying shampoo, Necessaire’s rosemary shampoo for hair growth, and I recently started using Prose. I’ll also throw in Olaplex No. 4 when I think about it. I use Living Proof’s perfect hair day in the winter when my hair is dry. You can see I’m kind of all over the board when it comes to price, I don’t really care if it’s $70/bottle (living proof) or $3/bottle (TJs) I just want it to work.

    9. Couple of non-shampoo things that I realized make a huge difference in how long my hair feels “clean” or “non-greasy”
      – Hair wash technique. Working in the shampoo with a scalp massage like I get at the hair salon & rinsing it very very thoroughly. To me, this makes more difference than the choice of shampoo I use (I go back and forth between Pantene & something that’s $50/bottle)
      – Touching my hair a lot
      – Adding a lot of products during styling – especially anything “heat protectant” or “leave in conditioner”

      1. And shampoo more than once. I have incredibly thick hair so I actually wash three times to get every section.

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    11. Time to switch shampoos. I also have fine and very oily hair, and that’s just how it is. I regularly switch between several different brands. And I agree with everyone else that you also need to be careful about using too much conditioner, touching your hair too much, and hard water. If you have hard water, it’s worth doing a vinegar rinse or using one of the products specifically designed to get rid of hard water buildup.

  5. I love my husband. He is great at being an equal partner. He is also a little clueless at times, which I find endearing because he really is trying hard.

    I’m heavily pregnant and plan to host my book club at my house once more before the baby comes and I beg off hosting responsibilities for the next year-ish. A weekend day worked best for the group. DH offered to make brunch for all the ladies (he is not in the book club). One of the members is vegan but hasn’t decided yet whether she’s coming, and she’s a bit flaky. I suggested we have a vegan option but not make the whole meal vegan. I also commented I’m not even sure what vegans eat for breakfast, I’m used to vegan dinners but breakfast food is another world.

    DH says that the menu he planned is already vegan! I was very impressed, especially since DH is definitely a carnivore. Then I go over the menu with him. Quiche, French toast sticks, and a burrata salad. Not vegan alternatives, just normal eggs and cheese. I pointed out that that all sounds delicious but nothing is vegan. He asked, what isn’t vegan about it. I said it’s vegetarian, but eggs and cheese aren’t vegan. He looked deflated, poor guy, and now he is also perplexed what we’re supposed to make our vegan friend who might not even be coming.

    My vote is to ask her to bring something to share. But if anyone has vegan brunch options that are very easy to put together, I’d love to hear them!

    3. I absolutely did not think this post was making its way toward a request for vegan brunch ideas!

      Fruit tray?

    4. Yoghurt or smoothie bowl bar? Like the breakfast version of a taco bar. Coconut milk yoghurt for vegan person, and other options for regular yoghurt. Berries, diced pineapple/peaches etc, museli. Can also do a nice selection of vegan breads/scones with almond butter/peanut butter and various jams.

      Bonus factor – greek yoghurt with various stuff was one of my favorite meals while nursing. Easy to store in the fridge and easy to eat one handed with a spoon.

      1. Thanks for the nursing tip! I’ve been eating a lot more yogurt than normal lately, but it’s available at work so I never have to get DH to buy it. I’ll have to remember to ask him to stock up for me!

        1. Oatmeal is also easy to eat and great for milk production if you are nursing. I like to stock fruit/nut/grain toppings for yoghurt and oatmeal so it’s more filling.

      2. Wow how did I not think of avocado toast?? It was the only thing I could eat my first trimester. And I think sourdough is vegan, we usually have a homemade loaf around (DH loves to bake bread).

    6. Avocado toast and chia seed pudding, mad with coconut milk or almond milk.

      Black bean patties with salsa verde.

    7. Hand fruits and oatmeal? I’d choose something super easy and vegan-by-default since you don’t know if she’s even coming.

    8. If I were the vegan guest, I would be bummed if the only thing I could eat were fruit salad.
      This is a really nice french toast casserole that I made for two or three brunches over the holidays; everyone liked it, not just the vegans, and it’s very easy. I used pre-sliced sourdough from the bakery that I let sit out for a day or two, and also turned the broiler on briefly after it was baked to get the top a bit crunchier.

      https://www.noracooks.com/vegan-french-toast-casserole/

    9. As a vegan, I wouldn’t worry too much because I get that vegan brunch food throws people for a bit of a loop, but you could pretty easily at least do some fruit and muffins or toast or bagels with various toppings (pb&j, hummus, avocado?) and do the salad as a green salad with burrata on the side. Depending on how much else you want to do, you could add chia pudding, a veggie hash (I do onions, peppers, sweet potatoes, and soyrizo), or scrambled tofu (I use this as an egg replacement in breakfast burritos or on bagels to make a breakfast sandwich). But I definitely wouldn’t expect all that.

  6. has anyone made their own freezer egg sandwiches? i reach for jimmy dean way too often.

    1. I have, but the bread gets kind of soggy and I have textural issues. I’ve had more luck with breakfast burritos. You have to get a bigger tortilla and/or use less filling than you think, but they stay together pretty well and don’t have the soggy ick factor of a reheated English muffin. They also don’t get freezer burned as easy as English muffins ime.

    2. My husband does. He saw something on instagram about making eggs on a baking sheet and cutting them into squares. Then he makes and wraps his sandwiches in wax paper and puts half in the fridge and half in the freezer.

    3. I have! My biggest tips are to let fully cool before putting in the freezer, and then wrap it in a paper towel before foil or anything else. Make sure to reheat in the paper towel and flip it over halfway through. This works pretty well for me. Also, if you put the cheese on after you warm it up, it prevents it from melting all over the place.

  7. Low stakes question for this afternoon: I can’t decide what car I want! I have $40K to spend cash, and I’m looking at Toyota Rav4s and Subaru Foresters. This the first car I’m ever buying for myself (I’ve driven mostly 5+ year old hand-me-downs, and my current car is a 2010 Escape)

    Rav4 (XLE Premium)- Pros: all the features I want, can probably get for the price I want, will be able to get my first brand new car. Cons: Not all that exciting to drive, had a “just fine” feeling while driving it

    Forester (Sport+ trim levels): Originally looked at the ’25s, but I HATE the re-design so I’m considering certified pre-owned 2023/2024s.
    Pros: Can get most of the features I want (except for non-cloth seats), cars are still very new and relatively low mileage, I would save $8-10K+ on purchase price, I was having fun driving this car
    Cons: May need to compromise on non-cloth seats, the specific ones available around me used to be rental cars, warranty is already 10-20% over due to mileage.

    I’ve done so much research I feel like I don’t even know how to weigh what I want anymore or what is the best option

    1. I was between both too and got the 23 Forrester, but it was really a toss up. The Forrester was available first. I’ve been relatively happy.

      1. Perhaps a CR-V, but my mom drives one and it’s hard for me to imagine driving the same car as my mother lol

        1. I think that is a bit silly personally. We have a CRV, so do my parents. That’s part of why we got one. They were happy with theirs, seemed to have a long life, etc. But I am not at all a car person, so I might be the wrong person to opine on this.

        2. What about a Mazda CX5? Ours is 12 years old so I don’t know what new ones are going for, but seems similar to what you’re looking for and we still haven’t had to do a single repair.

          1. I just got a new CX-5 with the highest trim package (but not the turbo engine) and the total cost was ~37,000. It’s clearly not a true luxury vehicle but still has lots of nice features – leather seats, heated/vented seats, heated steering wheel, full 360 cameras, among others. It also doesn’t have an enormous touchscreen control system or a digital display which was important to me. Looks like a car and not a spaceship and it feels nice to sit in and drive. Happy with it so far!

        3. I would get a hybrid CRV – or at least a hybrid something else. That’s our plan for when we replace our 2012 regular CRV in the next five years or so. It’s really a great car!

          1. Yes my “dream car” is a hybrid gently used CRV or Rav4.

            Obviously this is my practical dream car, not a real dream car

        5. not sure how old your mom’s is, but the recently redesigned CR-V is really nice looking (sort of has Volvo XC-60 vibes to it) and in my opinion Hondas are always more fun to drive than Toyotas and Subarus. We also looked at the Mazda small SUV but the blindspot visibility was really bad when merging / changing lanes on the highways.

        6. The current redesign of the CRV is the bomb. I can’t think of any car I felt better with (and I had a lot of compact SUV rentals in the past 18 months just to test what is out there on trips). It is so fun. I got all the bells and whistles and expect to keep it for at least a decade based on my prior Honda.

    3. Forrester. Great car. Have fun and save $$.

      Love the idea of buying a certified pre-owned – even better you prefer the early design! All and all a really smart purchase for your first ever car. Well done.

      1. This. We have certified pre-owned Subaru vehicles (2021 Outback and 2023 Ascent) and have been very happy.

    4. I’m a happy forester owner. Has also had very few problems of any kind over 8 years.

    5. I never buy new, but I also love Toyota so I’d probably do a 2023ish certified preowned Rav4 or CRV (I love both cars). I’d hold out for a hybrid.

      2. I am not sure why you’d buy a 2023. It would cost nearly as much as a new car but you would lose out on the first two years of problem-free driving, as well as the free included maintenance with the purchase of a new vehicle. I buy new and drive until the wheels fall off, and this comes out to be most economical.

        +1 for hybrid. In addition to being more fuel-efficient, they tend to be more powerful and drive better than the equivalent gas model.

    6. my Subaru is older (2016) but I will note that it is a very LOUD car – you hear every sound on the highway.

      if you are somewhere cold, i say go for the one that offers heated seats at that price point – that’s the main thing i like in my car. i also hate a non-digital speed readout (was 0-160 ever a practical range for vehicles? I say if you’re going over 100 you should get a little arrow that says “too damn fast”)

      1. We had a 2012 Subaru that was a total lemon. Oil consumption issues, transmission recall, three A/C failures, and more. I will never buy another Subaru.

        1. +1 dumped my 2011 Forester(had bought new) as soon as possible due to multiple recurrent oil consumption issues . There was a class action lawsuit against Subaru for multiple engine issues across all models and Subaru just shrugged. No way would I advise a purchase of any Subaru, the company is awful to consumers.

    7. We hated the latest version of the RAV4 because it drives like a box on wheels. We bought a hybrid Corolla Cross instead, which is much more like our old RAV4.

    8. I have a 23 Forester and love it. My mom had an older Rav-4 that I hated driving and last weekend I drove a new Rav-4 that was better but still not as good as the Forester. If you are short, the Forester is unmatched in terms of visibility. No blindspots and I don’t have to strain to see anything.

    9. DH and I were looking at the same cars and I was shocked at the prices. We ended up getting a certified pre-owned 2024 Lexus 350 with low mileage (less than 5k). 6 year warranty. Great service (they actually pick up the car at our house when it needs servicing). It was about $5k more than the RAV but so worth it.

      1. I do love our Lexus 350, but it is pricey for service, more expensive gas, and not great gas mileage. Would not recommend it for OP, buying her first car herself.

  8. Have you or would you turn down a job that was very much what you wanted because it would involve being further from aging parents? This is a question for my DH, not me. We’re in NY, inlaws are an hour away by car. DH got what he’d say is his dream job but it’s a leadership role so they want him in Chicago because they want him to be the team he’d be leading, not just flying in every few weeks. The company is very flexible on lots of things like comp but not on having senior execs live across the country. DH is ready to immediately turn it down without considering it further. I’m encouraging him to at least think it thru. FWIW my job is fully remote and I’ve told him I’m all in, we can move to Chicago. We have no kids and may not have any – IVF complications – so this isn’t about raising kids near grandparents or cousins. My parents are overseas so that isn’t a factor. He has no friend group or anything he’s trying to stay near.

    Yet he was almost teary at the idea of being a flight away from his parents. Kind of surprised me as I’ve never seen that before. His parents are aging and his dad especially has aged a LOT, but there isn’t anything specific to do. We see his parents every few weeks and while it’s all perfectly pleasant and we all get along well, this isn’t the relationship of father and son getting together every weekend to watch football or fixing things together or whatever. Like he’s not even that talkative with his parents.

    What would you do or say here? I’m taking the approach of his job, his decision but IDK I also don’t want him to regret something as he’s really never been happy with his career and this is the job he’s wanted for probably a decade and the center for this particular niche is in Chicago. Anyone gone thru this thought process themselves or with a spouse?

    1. How old are his parents? What is their health like?

      Answer to this is way different if the parents are relatively young, active and in good health vs super old or in failing health (ie where you may need to be more active in day to day care, or at least arranging it).

      We moved 1500 miles for my job in 2017, and its been great for my career and our household income, but it has suddenly got much harder in the last few months when we had to move my MIL into a home on short notice.

      1. This. Are there any siblings in the area to assist with elder care? Would his parents move out to Chicago if needed?

        When I was in grad school, my supervisor had to fly internationally 8 times in 10 months because her mother kept having health crisis’s and then needing changes to her living situation from single family home to rental condo to assisted living to nursing home to finally palliative care. It made the process of losing her mother very very difficult.

        1. Check with siblings too – you can’t just assume they’ll step in because they’re nearby

    2. If he’s never lived more than an hour away from his parents, this could be a big change for him. How long is the flight and is it non-stop to Chicago from where you are? Can he plan to fly back every few weeks or fly his parents to Chicago regularly? Maybe you can also talk about a game plan for how to handle his parents aging anyway- like could you can get a place that will allow them to move in with you eventually? Or perhaps the plan to to move them into assisted living and you could make that closer to Chicago? I am someone who moved out of state at 18 and only sees their parents 1-2 times/year, but my husband was born and raised here. I think it would be a hard adjustment for him to be further away from his parents as well, even if in practice we don’t see them all that often.

      1. It sounds like he expresses and thinks of his ties to his parents differently than you’ve recognized. Also, if he grew up in NY and has never lived anywhere else, Chicago may sound like a foreign country.

        Chicago is a short, easy flight from my city, so I’d consider it, even if my parents were elderly. Is the company flexible enough so that if he needed to fly to his parents and work remotely there for a week or two, he could do that?

    3. If he would have been willing to commute to Chicago for work, how about he instead plans to (and does!) fly to NY every third weekend to spend with his parents – you can go when you want and stay home when you don’t want to. As long as we are just talking about the social relationship rather than providing intense eldercare, it sounds like he could spend the same amount of time with them as he does now, if not more.

      1. But… eldercare is coming sooner or later, unless you get extraordinarily lucky. I think Sunshine’s suggestion is good for now, but there needs to be a plan for when/if more care/attention is necessary.

        1. yes, but may people don’t live an hour drive from their parents and manage to figure it out. my grandparents lived in FL and my mom lived in DC, her brother in CT, her sister in CA. There were a couple of stressful years of coordinating care, but a very small percentage of life overall.

          1. Yes and how many people are posting here stressing about eldercare situations because they don’t live near home?

          2. Yeah but it’s not just about the stressful years. It’s also about enjoying the good years together.

    4. I would pick my parents over a job every time, but I understand not everyone is in that position. It sounds like your husband is, though, and that’s okay.

      1. I don’t think OP’s husband is picking his parents “over” a job – it’s not like they’ll die if he moves away.

        2. And they *will* die, whatever he does. I’m saying it’s fine for him to want to spend more time with them rather than less.

    5. Have you discussed long term plans with his parents? I live in a different state than my mom. If she needed more care, I am moving her to my area. Currently, she is healthy and active so we visit each other several times a year.

    6. this might be a morbid question, but how many years to his parents have left? This could then be argued both ways – oh they only have 2 years left, it’s understandable he wants to stay close to them…or they only have 2 years left, but DH if DH turns down this job now, another equivalent opportunity may never present itself, so its worth sacrificing the 2 years now. There is no right answer. If you see his parents every few weeks, is that like once a month? would he want to use his PTO primarily to go visit his parents?

    7. If his parents are in good health, I would take the job with a plan in place for elder care.

    9. I’ve seen a few suggestions that his parents eventually move near you if needed.

      Just throwing it out there that if they want to do that, great! But if they don’t, you can’t force it and you can’t hold it against them when you need to fly in often to help out. If they have friends, siblings, or a community where they are that’s immensely important as elders age for socialization and keeping active.

    10. It would take an act of God to get me to move away from my “not even that old yet and still super active and healthy” parents, let alone my actually aging ones. I’m close with them and I’d never forgive myself for missing time with them during their good years

      1. I’m the one who moved in 2017 — In my case, the equation was tipped for a job that tripled my income. And now is at least 4x if not 5x what I could make in my “home” city.

        No doubt its gotten harder as we couldn’t travel (international) for almost 18 months during the pandemic, and we are clearly missing time with nieces/nephews as they grow up & time with family as they age. We fly back home at least 5-7 times a year; its what we can do.

        We are on track to move back in about 6-8 years, as I’ll be able to retire quite young (early 50s). If I took the pay cut to move back now, I’d be retiring in 20 or more years.

        Clearly its a tradeoff, and I see the price I am paying. But its ok to be ok with it :-)

        1. Right? I moved away for college + first 2 years of adulthood but I really like my parents, siblings, and extended family so I moved back because I missed not being around.

          They live in a city with jobs and where I already had friends, but I missed being near family way more than I missed being near these particular friends.

        2. Hah my mom frequently will say something about how “wherever you settle down” or “who knows where you’ll move”.

          I’m like mom I’m very much settled in our city. I’m 30 – I would not restart my life anywhere. I love my life here: my whole family is here, I have a great friend group and social life here, I have a great career I’ve built here. I’ve already lived other places and didn’t love it.

          I guess it’s nice that she wants me to know she’d support me leaving if I did leave (although my dad would not be happy! He’d support it because he’ll always support me, but I know it’d crush him if I left), but yeah that’s not in the cards for me.

        1. Well obviously the calculus here changes if you don’t get along with or like your parents. That’s not OP’s DH’s situation

      4. Have you lived in the same place your whole life? How far away is too far away for you?

    11. I’d take the job, build up goodwill at Company, and then if/when eldercare comes up, he’s in a great spot to negotiate (my boss spent Sun-Weds. in San Fran, Thurs-Sat in Chicago; one of my cousins spent every alternating week in Town A and B, traveling on weekends so they could deal with it if a flight was delayed/etc.). Regular travel can be exhausting. I say this assuming he currently is close in distance but not there 3x/week. If he is there 3x/week, then that’s a huge shift. I don’t know if he could take the job, try the change for 6 months, then quit and realistically get another job/you could float expenses while he job searches. But, I say this after my parents moved within an hour of me as opposed to me moving to them.

      That’s what I would do. In this scenario, as it sounds like you’ve already said your piece/parents are super important, maybe encourage him to tell his parents about the offer. Could sound something like, “I would love to take this, but honestly, worry about being away from you guys. If I take it, I’d like to try coming back one long weekend a month, and we would spend 2 weeks of vacation here a year (but would also vacation other spots). What do you think?” But this should come from him and not you, and up to you whether you’re even present. IDK your relationship with your inlaws.

      1. But what if eldercare comes up in a month? Unfortunately it’s not like you know when a parent will get sick or need assistance

      2. I can’t think of anything worse than working a high powered job, doing eldercare, and flying back and forth from Chicago to NY every week.

    12. After watching my cousins very poorly handle cross country eldercare for their failing at the same time but in different ways parents, there’s no way I’d move away

    13. This is his decision, full-stop, and it is the kind of decision you don’t want to influence. Say aging dad (knock on wood) declines rapidly in 6 months. DH will remember having adamantly wanting to stay near his parents, but that you had swayed him toward moving to Chicago. You now have the possibility of “you stole the last 6 months I had with my father from me” style resentments on your hands.

      I personally wouldn’t trade time with my parents for anything in the world. I imagine if he was able to get this job, he’d be able to get a similar caliber of job in NY that wouldn’t require him to move. But if not, it’s a fair choice for him to make to stay. It sounds like you don’t think it’s the right choice, but that doesn’t change that it’s his decision to make.

      1. This 100%.

        We had an unfortunate situation in which both of my parents lost their last living parents a few months apart. My dad’s mom died first and my aunt was really struggling so insisted we have every holiday together that year… well, unfortunately my mom’s dad passed right after Easter when we had just spent what was his last Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter with the other side of the family. There is 100% resentment there.

      2. Agree with this. Also, it’s not just a matter of “line up elder care.” My time with my mom right now is precious. She’s losing the stamina to go out and do things. Since my dad passed, there are sometimes things around the house she needs help with that are minor but important. I couldn’t fathom not being around. I’m facing sort of a similar situation–my husband is retiring and wanting to move further away. We’re settling on spending part of the year together where we are and part where he goes somewhere and I stay (but visit him frequently for that part of the year) because it’s that important to me to be near my family and friends. Sometimes you have to choose your people over everything else. If he were to push me to move, I know I would resent it some really deep ways (just like he might resent not being able to play golf and travel as much if I forced him to stay here full time for my sake).

    14. I personally would plan for “now” not “if”. If he wants to stay near his parents that is one thing, but I wouldn’t plan to stay near them just because there may or may not be elder care some day, and if I REALLY wanted this job.

      If you move and elder care does become an issue, figure it out then. I would not try to plan for every scenario now especially since you don’t even know what the scenario might be.

        1. But sometimes it’s sudden, and you never have to plan for elder care, only a funeral. Maybe not the norm, but certainly not unusual.

    15. I would not move, but I don’t have a great relationship with my parents. I would never live my life around supporting my parents’ decision to live in an area with no jobs. Both DH and I are from rural areas. I hated it growing up and got out of there at 16. I will never live within 5 hours of their home – which never felt like a home to me. If our parents want us to support them as they age then they are welcome to join us in civilization. Otherwise they’re on their own. My parents are in their 80s, btw, and fortunately in good health.

      2. Not seeing how it’s relevant for her husband. Entirely different dynamics at play than someone who moved out at 16 and hasn’t lived anywhere nearby for years.

    16. I don’t come from a culture where people leave their parents. Admittedly, this is largely influenced by us all living in a major (but not VVHCOL) metro area so jobs abound. Of course, not every industry is in every city – I did have to pivot my career to move home, but there are enough jobs so it’s been fine.

      I absolutely hate the weather where I live, but a better climate is never going to be as important as living near family and friends and community.

      Because people stay put, I live near aunts and uncles and cousins, I got to see my grandparents several times a week when they were alive, and I live near both lifelong friends and new friends I made in adulthood. I just love the feeling of community I get even though I’m in a huge metro area. I love that I have friends who are “3 generation friends” (our grandparents were friends, our parents are friends, and we are friends).

    17. So, since you may not have kids and you haven’t mentioned siblings, something to consider is that it sounds like the parents might be DH’s last immediate family.

      Long story short, my dad and his dad always had a rocky at best relationship. He was very, very close with his mom but she died in her 60s (my dad was early 20s) from cancer, so for the last 30 years it was just my dad, his dad, and his sister (very difficult, also a rocky at best relationship). Even though, sad to say, my dad’s life got infinitely easier after his dad passed (between elder care, rocky relationship, having to deal with his sister on eldercare, and his dad’s diminishing mental faculties) my dad really, really struggled emotionally after his dad passed because it was the end of an era (and, rocky relationship aside it was still his dad). My grandfather was also the last remaining sibling, so we just no longer had anyone from that generation in our family.

      He spends so much more time with his sister now (even though he doesn’t like her any more than he used to – if anything she’s gotten harder to deal with), but he very much feels like we are siblings, we are the only ones left, we must stick together. It’s honestly awkward because most of the rest of our family no longer speaks to her but he’s gotten very emotionally tied to this idea of “original” family.

    18. My answer would depend on a few different factors:
      1) How old/healthy his parents are.
      2) If there are other siblings nearby who could help out.
      3) An analysis on the finances and how it would work for the two of you.

      My mother (76) and grandmother (99!) live together about 3 hours away from us. My father (78) spends half the year 3 hours away and the other half down south. We were living in the same town as mom and gram until my husband got a job two states away and we moved. (I am an only child). It is, to say the least, stressful and difficult. My mother is a narcissist who won’t care for my grandma. I drive up more than I would like to do routine, run of the mill things that my mother should do and I field “how to” phone calls all week. My gram doesn’t get the care she needs (or deserves) and it is really hard for me to feel so helpless given the distance.

      That being said, my husband’s parents are in their 60’s and are in pretty good health. They don’ t need my husband for help really at all.

      My dad remembers passing up a job offer in California right before I was born and (I think) really regrets passing it up. I think your husband should think seriously about the options before declining.

        1. I wish she would. I’d take so much better care of her.

          She has lived in the same house since the early 1970’s and will never leave there. She loves her house so much and feels so safe and at home there.

          When my grampa died 10 years ago, I should have been the one to move in with her. I’m kind and patient and understanding (everything my mother is not). I’m also very efficient and good at making things flow behind the scenes. I lived halfway across the country then and wasn’t in the position to do so. My mother was, but has resented it ever since.

          My gram is so eager to please my mother that she (as a stone deaf 99 year old) listens to the tv with the sound off because she doesn’t want to bother my mom. She asked to go out to dinner and my mom refused – I told mom that she should take gram because gram deserved to do something fun once in a while.

          I could write a book about how much this situation depresses me and how hard it is. My husband and I moved to this state for insurance covered ivf (which failed) and now there’s no jobs for him in our original state.

    19. I feel like, just looking at my friends, most people fall into a bucket where no job could ever keep them from family and others fall into a bucket where of course you’d take the job even if that means moving. I know for me it wouldn’t even be a consideration, I wouldn’t move meanwhile my best friend has never lived near family as an adult, never will, and she’s occasionally sad about it but moving for work will always rank higher than moving home (and she, a New Englander, chose to move to small city deep south for work – hated living there but liked the job enough to stay).

      So, I think like 90% of the responses here can be discounted because they’re from people who wouldn’t waiver from their preference. Maybe someone here who wasn’t dead set one way or another could explain their decision making process.

      1. But I think the reason people are dead set is because they’ve already had a thought-out decision making process? Some people have good relationships with their parents, value family, and feel strongly that they want to maximize amount of time spent with them. Other people have rockier relationships with their parents and/or are more driven to maximize career success than maximize hours with their parents. It’s not that only a ‘neutral’ person can decide what’s best here – it’s that what’s best depends entirely on the individual person, their relationships, and their values. Which again highlights that no one can make this decision besides OP’s DH and that there isn’t necessarily a right decision – only the decision that he thinks is right for himself.

    20. My mom very much says to move the older parents to where you are
      You know the doctors and hospital system
      You have a support system
      You need to work
      Probably you moved for parents before, they can do it for you now

      Unless they’re too stubborn in which case they’ll move when they’re ready or not

      1. Yes but her husband can work where they are – this isn’t a choice of you have a job or you don’t.

        Loneliness is a huge issue among the elderly, if his parents have a network and friends where they are then there’s no sense in moving them. They already have a support system. They know the hospitals and doctors AND their doctors already know them.

        Most of us never moved for parents before, so that’s a big assumption. Like thinking of me and my siblings, my cousins, and all of my close friends, only one moved towns growing up and its because her parents were in the military. After her mom retired (when we were 8), she moved to her “hometown”, her parents are still in the same house, and my friend and her sister both live in the same metro area.

    21. Just throwing this out there, how is your husband doing generally? No friends in the area plus IVF struggles plus being unhappy in his job for a decade suggest to me that there might be more going on. Maybe passing on this job and spending some time to work on himself to get in a better place overall. It seems like there is a lot going on, and adding moving away from a parent that has gone downhill recently might not be the right time. Plus, a three hour plane ride is a lot different than a three hour drive.

    22. I’d never move for a job. But the reason is I’m very established in my city, all family and friends are here and it’s a robust job market. If any of those variables weren’t there, I’d consider it. This is a talk it out with your husband issue and only you two know what’s right for you.

    23. If his parents don’t currently have issues other than age, I would tell him to go for a year. I moved after my dad died even though my mom was older, but she didn’t need care until a decade later. And then it was very short. I now care for another older family member who lives in a rural area 4 hours away and handle it through making lots of road trips. I might have to make different decisions when actual physical care is needed but this is just mostly activities of daily living stuff that can be handled through delivery type support. Of course it sucks to be away from parents when you’re close to them but your parents also want you to go after your own life. Again, if there is no real health issues, my thought is you can always move back. Your not committing to forever here.

  9. I got a hot oil burn last weekend, on my cheek – from my first (failed) attempt at frying on the stove! I have to go into the office tomorrow, and would like to just cover it up. (I only RTO 1 day/week so it should heal by next week). Any makeup tips or product suggestions? I live near a sephora but find they don’t usually help me much, so would like to go in with an idea. The spot is red and about 1″ long, narrow.

    1. Burned skin doesn’t like makeup on it until healed, I would put a bandaid on it or just nothing/neosporin like you have been doing.

    2. It’s almost certainly more obvious to you than anyone else. Shower the night before… steam/heat always makes my marks and scars from clumsy shenanigans louder. Otherwise leave it. Makeup and healing burns don’t mix.

    4. Since it’s on your cheek you can apply a little blush on both cheeks to make it blend in. But yes it is more noticeable to you than anyone else, I promise.

    5. I would put a blemish patch of n this. They sell biggish ones, not just the little round CosRx or whatever version, in drugstores (CVS for sure). I actually wore one out (and it was actually for a weeping blemish) and expected everyone to have something to say about it but even my friend I was with said nothing and a bunch of guys hit on me and never mentioned it. I don’t think it was that noticeable or that people thought it was odd.

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