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Coffee Break: Matte Trance Lipstick

I recently(ish) tried Pat McGrath lipstick for the first time, and was really impressed by Matte Trance. The color was really saturated after only one or two swipes, and the formula stays forever but is comfortable to wear.

I bought the color “Venus in Furs” (which admittedly feels very much like something I would have loved in the browny/taupe lipstick era of the early late 90s/early 2000s) — and think I'll go for a brighter color the next time I buy a tube, such as the beautiful blue-red pictured here (“Elson 13”).

(The tube and the box it comes in are also really beautiful and lux — it's a great gift if you're on the hunt for anyone because it does feel special.)

Sephora has 28 colors, for $38 a tube; you can see more colors (35 total) at Pat McGrath's website.

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Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

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126 Comments

  1. I’m looking for a BB/CC cream or tinted moisturizer/sunscreen for oily skin…basically something I can throw on when I just want light to medium coverage. My regular foundation is Estee Lauder DoubleWear, which I love, but it’s such high coverage. Any suggestions? Can be drugstore or higher-end.

    1. I like the Covergirl Clean Matte BB Cream, and have repurchased it several times. The issue with it is that the shade range is super limited. If you are super fair like me it is a great product. There is a Covergirl Queen CC line that has darker shades and is oil free and is likely similar but for obvious reasons I haven’t personally tried it :)

      The other option I use is Sephora tinted moisturizer https://www.sephora.com/product/matte-perfection-tinted-moisturizer-P448496

      1. +1

        I was pleasantly surprised with the Covergirl BB Cream, after seeing the recs on this board.

    2. clinique city block sunscreen. it is tinted lifeguard sunscreen that, assuming it works with your complexion does a good job with my oily skin.

    4. I really like Purlisse BB Tinted Moisturizer Cream for medium coverage. It doesn’t look greasy, blends well, doesn’t irritate my skin and is a good everyday go-to. You can order it on Amazon though I discovered it through birchbox.

    5. Your foundation is already a tinted moisturizer if you cut it with a drop of moisturizer. I’d do that if you’ve already found a shade and formula you like. One drop of foundation, one drop of moisturizer, apply with a brush, which will give you a sheerer look than applying with your fingers.

      1. Another option is to dilute it with primer. I also use Estee Lauder DoubleWear and didn’t like it when I cut it with moisturizer; it got clumpy and pilled on my skin. It worked really well when I cut it with a thin primer. I often used a now discontinued Covergirl matte primer for oily skin. I later tried using silicone based primers and they pilled so I suggest playing around with it.

        1. Right. You have to have the right formulas to mix. I think, but am not sure, that double wear is oil free, so you’d need to mix it with a gel type moisturizer.

          You can Google how makeup artists do this on sets. They’re usually thinning out foundations because their models’ skin is so perfect, and also if it’s for photography, the pics are going to be heavily edited anyway.

  2. What a fun tube! On the makeup theme I am going to a fundraiser gala this weekend. I haven’t done anything like this since the pandemic started and I decided to try magnetic false lashes. I’ve never tried false lashes in my life! #inspired by a youtube video. I’ll practice a few times before the event to see if I can get them to work. Any one trying any new beauty products lately?

    1. I’ve recently gotten into magnetic lashes. I highly recommend the Glamnetic brand if you have time to get it. I also prefer just skipping the magnetic liner and using the small lash anchors to go on the under side of the lashes. Every time I’ve done the liner, I end up losing a lash after a few hours. The anchors seem bullet proof though! Good luck with them!

      1. how do you remove the magnetic liner? i did a test strip on my hand (albeit for a random amazon brand) and it took a lot of scrubbing and makeup remover to get it off

        1. A lot, a lot of scrubbing. I usually use camellia oil to remove even the most difficult makeup and the liner won’t even come off with that. Have used makeup wipes, micellar water, etc as well and serious scrubbing is the only thing that worked. Another reason I skip the liner now and just do the anchors.

          1. I would never regularly apply something that made me scrub at the tender skin around my eyes like that. I did magnetic lashes for Halloween a couple of years ago and I’m in the “never again” camp.

    2. I’ve aged quite a bit in the past two years, and I’ve switched from a BB cream to a full coverage foundation and I love it. Only downside is the cost (but that’s on me because I picked a department store one and not a drugstore one), but it’s totally worth it for the confidence it gives me.

    3. Someone here recommended Sali Hughes’s Instagram, and I’ve been following that and switching to many of her recommended products. I really like eye shadow sticks now (I do a pale base and a darker sparkly bronze at my lash line) and I had all cream products. They last so much longer than powder products.

      I am up for new mascara recommendations because by the end of the day mine is a bit flaky.

      1. I have been really loving Victoria Beckham’s mascara- it’s a little on the pricier end, but I have no flakes, smudges, or fallout after a full day of wear and it is surprizingly easy to remove! You can use cleanser or makeup remover but all you need is warm water.

  3. Any recommendations for family photography shoots in Kauai (Lihue)? Looking for an affordable package deal – a set rate for a 30 minute shoot, gallery of say 15 photos, and you get the digital file and not just prints. We are not picky. Thank you for any recommendations.

    1. We had engagement photos done in Kauai with Sachi Photography a few years ago and she was fantastic. I think we had an hour long shoot at a location suggested by her, and we got the digital file of photos.

  4. I’m flying to Buffalo today, and my flight lands right before midnight. How would you recommend getting to my hotel at that time of night? Is Uber/Lyft safe and available?
    Relatedly, any recommendations for lunch tomorrow to decompress after what will likely be a stressful morning? I’ll have about 3.5 hours before I need to head back to the airport.

    thank you!

    1. Uber/Lyft are safe, local taxis are not great. Some hotels will have courtesy shuttles, so you could always ask about that as well. As for lunch, it depends on where in the area you are staying. If you give me an idea of the general neighborhood you will be in, I will have suggestions for you.

    2. Uber and Lyft are safe; don’t take local taxis. Expensive, old and slow. Regarding lunch, give me a general idea of where you are going to be located, geographically, and I am happy to give you some recommendations.

      1. Hard area to find a cute lunch spot – not sure if you are a walker or not but ubers should be relatively easy mid afternoon if you opt not to walk. For more of a beer and a burger type of place: Big Ditch Brewery, Allentown Burger Venture or Thin Man Brewery (in that order of closeness). Good salads and Italian at Osteria and Frankie Primo’s, where you can likely get a prosecco if you would like a post-meeting treat. Chris’ NY Sandwich Shop also has great sandwiches and salads, no wine or beer, though. Saigon Cafe or Sato for Thai or Japanese, respectively. JT’s for new American. All of those are on the way to the airport. Spot Coffee if you want a cafe with good internet.

    4. If you haven’t been in Buffalo before, how about the Anchor Bar for wings or a beef on Weck? (There’s one at the airport.)

  5. How is Russia able to just bomb cities? I thought that armies were supposed to fight armies but that bombing and attacking civilians were war crimes. Not if Russia does them? I am just so stabby over Ukraine right now. [And, honestly, what does Russia think it will gain here? A very large country that hates them? And for people depending on UN food aid, much of that food is grown in . . . Ukraine.]

    1. IDK if bombing cities is a war crime or not but reality is sometimes countries just do something to get the win, whether it’s a crime or not; because the crime will be litigated years and years from now in some international court – yet they want the land NOW. It’s not like there’s a temporary injunction to stop bombing because it’s a war crime [IDK if it exists procedurally but in response to bombing I’ve never heard of a country running to court to get it stopped – it’s more upping their own military to hit back etc.].

    2. They are arguably bombing infrastructure and military targets within those cities. There have been some apartment buildings hit, but they aren’t targeting people, per se. It’s “legal” to, say, bomb a bridge or a water treatment facility or an airport.

      1. Fair enough, I guess. I get a bit nervous when then talk about the “mother of all bombs” and it seems like their aiming ability or aiming components are Soviet-era, to say the least.

        1. I think this is a bigger problem than just “soviet era” technology. Carelessness, maybe, but look at the drone strikes the US carried out just the last few months and the civilian casualties there. There is no clean war.

    3. I don’t know the exact answer but if it were than dropping the atom bomb on Japan would count too, no? I think this is probably not so clear cut even if it is horrifying to contemplate.

      1. IIRC there was an existing war for years in the run-up to that. Ukraine was just a flat-out act of aggression. The narrative just doesn’t line up even close. Maybe unless you’re Putin, going in to . . . rescue oppressed Russians or whatever the official narrative is.

        1. That’s a good point. But the question was essentially is it a war crime to hit civilian targets and I think based on many examples in recent history, the answer is murky at best. Not even remotely defending it.

          1. True. It feels like that is how invasions re — just going in to terrorize the people vs where the actual military bases are. Pretty sure there are no troops in apartments in cities. And now everyone with a rifle must be a target? If people in cities are hiding in subways, the Russian military is not bothering with accuracy it looks like. I guess they don’t care? And there will be no repurcussions?

    4. Deliberately targeting civilians is a war crime, but when civilians are killed in collateral damage it becomes a gray area. However, anyone ordering the invasion of a neutral country is obviously not concerned about being accused of war crimes. If/when there is ICC prosecution for war crimes, it will be years in the future, the damage will be done, and those responsible will be very old (if still alive). The ICTY (Yugoslav war crimes tribunal) just closed down in 2017.

      Harvard’s Humanitarian Institute has good resources on International Humanitarian Law and international humanitarian response, and I will post the ICRC’s video on rules of war in a comment to avoid mod.

      2. Wish I wasn’t stuck in mod, but adding on: If you are donating, please remember that cash is best. USAID has info on why cash is best and vetted partners on the ground in Ukraine here: https://www.cidi.org. Internationally, the International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) is one of the best in the game*.

        I’m a county-level emergency manager now, but I formerly worked in humanitarian aid.

        * I know the reputation of the American Red Cross isn’t great (though its a nuanced situation), but the ICRC is literally one of the first orgs on the ground in nearly every international disaster response and parters closely with the US, the host country, and all of the other major players.

        1. I would love to give cash directly! Given the deflation of the ruble right now is it possible to give dollars or something else that won’t be as affected

          1. ruble is the Russian currency, so assuming you are looking to help Ukraine, that’s not a concern.

          3. I’m not sure exactly what you mean by giving cash directly.

            “Cash is best” means donating money, not material goods. Almost every “cash” donation is received via credit card online (or, I suppose, via check in the mail) – cash rarely means actual cash. Therefore, international orgs are all able to receive dollars.

            Giving “directly” is complicated – you still have to know an intended recipient, which is why most donations are to a vetted and known NGO / International Org. There are Ukrainian grass roots orgs (I assume – I haven’t searched for any yet), and I”m sure many of them are great recipients but I generally avoid these groups for a few reasons including:
            – Economies of scale: Major orgs have pre-established contracts with vendors usually for the best price and fastest delivery. Orgs also have warehouses stocked with goods and in many disasters pre-position supplies ahead of time.
            – Vetting process. I know if I’m giving to Save the Children, they’re a vetted program that utilizes best practices and will put my money to good use. I don’t know the same about an org stood up 4 days ago.
            – Professionalism: While volunteers are always welcomed, this is a difficult profession. There are pre-determined international standards (Sphere standards) and organization (cluster approach) that have been in place for quite some time to ensure professionalism and success. Once again – I’m sure someone recently involved would do a fine job, but I want to support the professional organizations made up of the pros who have been doing this for a while.
            – Many of these major orgs work with local orgs and provide money/resources to them and have locals doing a lot of the work – it’s just being overseen and contracted by a larger/international org. I’d also like to add the caveat that there’s a lot of work that goes into not undermining the local economy when the international orgs get involved (example: instead of providing goods directly, goods are provided to local shop owners and residents are provided with cash vouchers so that residents are still buying from their local shops and not cutting them out of the process and thus the economy).

            TLDR: I recommend going online to an NGO/International Org of your choice (USAID CIDI provides recommendations if youre looking for them) and donating on their website and earmarking the donation for Ukraine.

      3. I am totally apalled by what Putin is doing. I have relatives nearby and it is crazy what he has his army doing while he sits back at his Dacha. He will not be called to task on this by the world courts (or the UN) because he is almost as rich as Bezos, and that is just counting the money they already know he has. I was told by sources in the US that he may also have constructive posession of alot of companies that used to be owned by the Russian State. I do not know which ones, but they also have alot of money in them. So dont be suprised if he just disappears and lives a life of leisure, if he is somehow forced out by the Oligarks.

  6. speaking of makeup, what blush colors are you wearing now? me: still in nars orgasm most days but i may try some of the bright pink/purple ones i’m seeing everywhere.

    1. I’m not a huge blush person but I definitely think that the color palette of the spring has moved into more classic pinks, as opposed to the peachy/coral tones from other years. True pink and pastels are everywhere!

    2. I was using one of those gel-cream tube blushes, and I loved the color (a great sueded rose shade), but I didn’t like having to use my fingers to apply, so I’m back to whatever powder blush and brush I had in the bottom of my Container O’ Rarely Used Makeup – it’s or gas m-like.

      1. second the hourglass one. i have a bunch of their other ambient lighting palettes too for days i want a more subtle look

    4. I’m using a Max Factor one that’s similar to the Hourglass ones but cheaper and smaller

    5. Bobbi brown cream blush in fresh melon. It looks apricot/orangey in pics, and I am cool-toned, but it is the most natural look I’ve ever found. I’m obsessed with it.

      I apply with the same face brush I use to apply my tinted moisturizer – right now I’m going back and forth between Nars and Bobbi Brown serum foundation. The brush is the Bobbi brown full coverage face brush. I clean it with Sephora brand spray cleaner once a day after I’m done with makeup.

  7. Is there an app that will let you set your own goals and create rewards for reaching them?

    2. Kind of the opposite of what you asked, but Stickk lets you set goals and it charges your credit card to donate to a charity you hate if you fail haha. I made the rule with myself that the money I wasn’t charged I got to spend a new books, so you could always come up with your own rule like that.

  8. I bought one of these (but in a darker pink/rose color) on a whim and it is my favorite lipstick. It was expensive but I reach for it nearly every morning when I am putting on makeup.

  9. I just got back from a week of vacation and I gotta say – today is not as bad as I thought it would be, but I still want to quit.

  10. So, out of curiosity, how much of your day to day, minute to minute activities do you share with your significant other? I ask because my SO thinks we need to share EVERYTHING. Like, I have read a few books recently on a fairly benign topic that he doesn’t have a lot of interest in, so I read when I get a chance but don’t talk a lot about it. He will ask about it every now and them and it usually becomes a situation where I feel worse than it we had not discussed it. He needs to know what I am doing every time I pick up my phone or computer to the point where I typically don’t even check my email when he is around. I’m not doing anything wrong, just don’t want to go into the “I’m going through my random emails and deleting all of the sales, etc.” conversation because he always thinks there is more to it.

    I have recently been working on becoming a better version of myself, i.e., am eating better, exercising regularly, etc. I don’t talk about it a lot because he seems to always say something like, “oh, did you do the fat fighting workout today?” or, “what are your goals?” If I just say I want to be a better version of myself he will say something like “Well, a guy always does that stuff for a reason”.

    I guess I just feel like the more I share the worse he makes me feel. he then tells me I am selfish if I don’t share everything and that sharing everything is what makes a marriage.

    1. He might be trying to make small talk. Honestly my mother is like this. To her, talking about these minute details is a way to ask “how are you”. I agree that it is completely frustrating, and also I just don’t care to tell anyone else that I’m deleting spam emails. What worked with my mom was to agree on some small talk topics that we were both okay with – cooking and food, my dad and sister and other cousins, swimming, etc

    3. He sounds controlling in a way that’s a huge red flag to me. It’s normal for a spouse to ask about your day or your important work phone call as a way of engaging with you and show interest in your life. But he sounds like he’s checking up on you in a concerning way. I read a lot of things that my husband thinks are uninteresting and so he may ask me “how’s your book” and I’ll respond with whether I’m enjoying it and maybe (maybe) a tiny bit of information about the plot line, but that’s it. Or he will ask how my workout was and I’ll tell him however much information I want to. And I do the same about his hobbies. That’s it.

    4. Yikes, I’m naturally quite secretive (but then got annoyed my husband never asks what I’m reading) but that seems excessive and controlling.

      1. Agreed: “He needs to know what I am doing every time I pick up my phone or computer to the point where I typically don’t even check my email when he is around.” This isn’t ok.

        Reading this board has awakened me to how many people have controlling partners.

        1. +1000 Seriously! Some people’s partners want to know everything because they’re just nosy/oversharers themselves but this is not that. His motivations seem to be coming from a bad place, especially if you feel bad after one of these interactions– listen to your gut. You feel worse afterwards because this is NOT normal and not ok.

    5. He’s exhausting and no you don’t need to share every single second of your life with him. Single now but when I was in a relationship, it’s not like I told my SO everything that happened during yoga class. All he needed to know was I went to yoga class, not every single pose we went through.

    6. He is controlling. Think hard about how long you want to have someone like this in your life.

    7. 1. Your husband’s reactions are weird AF.
      2. My husband and I are physically within 20 feet of each other probably 95% of the time. There’s not much we don’t know (for better or for worse). If one of us is on our phones and laughing, the other will usually perk up and ask what is funny.

      1. All of this. Partner and I also share way more than what seems to be OP’s natural tendency. So it could just be that you aren’t well matched in that regard. But asking every time you pick up a phone or whatever is a bit overboard, and could be a red flag. Has he always been this way? Did it develop more recently?

    8. I do not share this level of information with anyone and it would totally drive me nuts! Sorry you are experiencing it.
      This also seems like the kinda thing that could have gotten worse cause of the pandemic because there is less going on and your husband is having his socialization needs met by others like friends and family.

    9. I was reading this and was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt (maybe he is just craving connection! etc.) until I got to your last sentence.

      Sharing everything is not what marriage is about, to me at least, and him calling you selfish sounds wildly controlling. Your spouse should feel like a true partner, someone who helps make your life better. Not someone who makes you feel worse or calls you selfish when you don’t do exactly what he says.

      I’m going to assume he has other problems re: the way he shows up as a husband for you?

    10. He sounds jealous and controlling, to be honest.

      Step back and imagine one of your best girlfriends is in this relationship. How would you feel a hit her boyfriend behaving this way with her? What would you tell her?

      1. And what happens when you don’t answer or decline to share all of this with your husband? Does he accept it or does he spiral into a mantrum and accuse you of all kinds of horrible stuff? That’s telling, because if you simply need to draw a boundary and he’s not having it, you need to GTFO now.

    11. Is this new? Yall are married? This is super strange to me. Either he’s been like this for years and you noticed it sometime before you said I do (i.e., he might have some social oddities that maybe the pandemic’s exacerbated?) or there’s some sort of trust issue here (don’t the ladies here always say that the unfaithful partner is the accusatory one?).

      Bottom line, talking to your partner should NEVER make you feel bad. This isn’t a healthy relationship, but I don’t have enough info to piece together why.

      1. Repeat: “Talking to your partner should NEVER make you feel bad.” Good grief, I wish somebody had told me that, like 20 years ago when I was married to Former Husband.

        Also, I thought I was an over-sharer but this guy is taking it to a whole ‘nother level, and not in a good way.

    12. ” sharing everything is what makes a marriage.”

      Sorry but I literally laughed out loud at this. Married 23 years this year. If we had “shared everything” with each other, we wouldn’t have made it to year 2.

      I posted a bit about this last week in regard to another question, but even in a relationship, people are entitled to the privacy of their own thoughts. I do not believe sharing “everything” with someone is the engine of a relationship. The engine of my relationship is that we have similar interests, values, and opinions and we have a great time engaging in the same activities together, or talking about topics that are of similar interest to each other, and also that we love and support each other through good times and bad.

      As an example of what sharing looks like in my marriage, we both work from home on Mondays and today our schedules aligned so we ate lunch in the kitchen at the same time. I made my lunch and he made his lunch and we sat down at the table. I was reading a book on my tablet and he was reading the news on his phone. He would periodically read a tidbit from the news he thought I would find interesting and we’d chat about it, or I’d read out something from the book I am reading (which is about the Sackler family; we watched Dopesick together and were both fascinated by the story). We do a lot of that kind of sharing – bits and drips here and there. We are both introverts and do not spend the majority of our time together talking. I don’t always know what he’s reading, watching or listening to; he doesn’t know that about me either. In our downtime we go for walks, we go to restaurants, we watch something on TV, but we don’t share our running internal monologue with each other. Legit, that sounds exhausting.

      If someone came up to me and said “I can wave this magic wand and from now on you will automatically know everything your husband is thinking” I would LMAO, say “no thanks” and keep walking. I don’t want to know everything he’s thinking; where’s the mystery or excitement if that’s the case? I recommend Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity for more about this; she explains it better than I can.

      1. Thank you for including yoru penultimate paragraph. My husband and I are similar to what you describe, and I struggle with it sometimes even as I am the more introverted one. I think it’s my romcom imaginary life popping up instead of real me recognizing that the current life fits my personality.

    13. Kindly, this sounds very controlling. But, I suspect you know that while typing out your message, and you would tell your friend “this is not normal” if they described this situation to you. To answer your initial question – on a typical day, we talk about our days while cooking/eating dinner, I often get excited about a book I’m reading and share more than SO wants to hear about non-fiction topic of the month, and if I’m scrolling through FB, etc., SO will ask if there was anything interesting and he likewise will often collect things from reddit to share with me.

    14. I dated someone who also needed and expected to do everything together, and I found myself avoiding certain topics because it would veer us into disagreement territory and he would then get, shall we say, moody. He also stalked me after we broke up four months later.
      Your post made me think of him. In particular you saying “ it usually becomes a situation where I feel worse than it we had not discussed it.” If you need that kind of drama in your life, very well. Otherwise I am here to tell you there are much better men out there and the sooner you extricate yourself from this one the better.
      P.s. i needed the help of a therapist to dump walk away after far too many of the conversations you describe. While I couldn’t see it at the time, after the breakup I discovered it’s much easier to live without having to worry about whether he is OK with my doings or not.

    15. I’ve been married for 15 years. I don’t think my husband could name a book I’ve read or vice versa if we had a gun pointed to our heads. Maaaaaybe I might remember getting something from his list a time or two at at Christmas if I were given a multiple choice question. I would go bananas if someone were constantly asking me about everything this way. It is one thing to make small talk but another to just be an annoying pest. If you are feeling like this has anything to do with trust (which it sounds like might be the case by the phone thing), I would think hard on whether to stay. This is what a controlling relationship begins like before it starts to progress into things that really matter to you, like wanting to know about everything you talk about with friends or family. Or where you’re going at every moment.

    16. OP here. Thank you all for the input. Yes, there are other ways that his controlling pattern has been showing itself. I guess it just helps to get confirmation that this is not ok. He’s been like this for a very long time, but I am just recently beginning to figure out how bad (and unusual) it truly is. I feel like sometimes when you are in the middle of it you don’t realize what is really happening and when you finally do it is difficult to figure out what to do next.

      The worst part is when we tried to talk about a specific incidence yesterday he kept saying it was my fault he was like that and that he has been keeping track of things that I have done as well. Gave me the feeling that if I tried to leave he would try to make me the one at fault.

      1. I suggest you read about gaslighting. And I also suggest getting in touch with a domestic violence group that is local to you just in case you should ever need the information. Are you confident you can use the internet at home and it isn’t monitored? If you are not, most public libraries have computers where you can use the internet. Or call a friend who you trust.
        Please report back to us as time progresses. I think your situation may be more concerning than you have realized. I am glad you are starting to realize it now. Your spouse should not make you feel badly about yourself. Ever.

        1. Yes, please, reach out to a local group. This isn’t ok. Please keep us updated. Hoping for your safety and peace.

      2. Leave him. If he says it’s your fault, agree with him. What does it cost you? Nothing. What is freedom worth? Everything.

      4. His behavior is very concerning. My SO and I will share the basic details of our day, but not the minute by minute details of what we are doing. If he was on his phone/computer, the only instance I can think of asking “what are you doing” would be if he laughed or made a noise, that would get my attention and I’d ask what it was ( and same for him with me). Your situation sounds like your husband needs to know everything you are doing to fulfill his own insecurities.
        It sounds to me like you need to work on an exit plan. It will be very difficult but in the long run you are better off without this controlling, manipulative person in your life.

      5. He is gaslighting you.

        I would guess that he is making the comments about exercise and diet because he senses that you’re making a change or thinking about a change and is worried that you will leave him or that you will be independent of him and he won’t be in control. He wants to know what you’re doing on your phone so that he has control of you. He wants to keep you on a short leash. He doesn’t like that you’re reading books on subjects that don’t interest him. He’s not sure if he wants you to loose weight and be more attractive to others.

        Anytime anyone tells you “It’s your fault I’m like this” is trying to control you, gaslight you, wear you down – however you want to describe it. It’s not normal, not healthy.

        You indicate that you are just now realizing it. Thinking about leaving a controlling partner can be an unsafe time. Depending on the situation, you may want to call the National Domestic Hotline 1-800-799-safe(7233) and talk about an exit plan. You’ll need to be careful not to leave a trace of the call on your phone, because he might be checking your phone. Hopefully, you work in an office where you can have some privacy, or a doctor’s appointment or a friend’s or family member’s house where you could use someone else’s phone. Be safe. Good luck.

    18. I recently read Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, and based on what you wrote in your first post and follow up comment, his behavior does not sound safe or healthy. Do you have a way to safely call a domestic violence number, just to talk? You don’t have to commit to anything, but you do need to have some people looking out for you.

  11. I’ll be relaxing on a beach for a few days. Would love some fun fiction escapist book reads. Thinking something romance like Bridgerton (I’ve read all her books) or Elin Hilderbrand (probably read most) or maybe even a fun thriller (I used to love Grisham and just binged Reacher on Amazon so kinda in a thriller mood). Any suggestions?

    1. I just read a bunch of Lisa Kleypas and Eloisa James romance novels on my last pool vacation and really enjoyed them (similar to Bridgerton).

      1. + 1 to LK and EJ. Other Regency authors with fun series: Anne Gracie (Chance Sisters, Merridew Sisters, Marriage of Convenience), Kate Noble (Blue Raven), Lauren Wilig (Pink Carnation–this and J Quinn’s Bridgerton were my gateway into the genre!), Courtney Milan, Sarah MacLean, Madeline Hunter

        Contemporary authors: Mhairi McFarlane (loved all her books!), Katie Fforde, Jill Mansell, Hester Browne

    2. If you liked Reacher, you could try one of the books. I’ve read them all and the earlier ones are generally better, but it doesn’t really matter if you read them in order- the tv series was based on the first one. I also liked the thriller by Louise Penny and Hillary Clinton.

    4. For thrillers, I like Riley Sager and Ruth Ware. Some other ones I’ve enjoyed

      The Husband’s Secret – Liane Moriarty
      The Good Girl – Mary Kubica
      Watch Me Disappear, Pretty Little Things – Janelle Brown
      The Girl You Left Behind – Jojo Moyes

      1. I’m a broken record about Ruth Ware’s One by One, but it’s for good reason.

        I love the genre of “thrillers for wimpy people who actively avoid horror movies” and I’d say Ruth Ware is in this arena, as well as Liane Moriarty, Sally Hepworth, Colleen Hoover and Lisa Jewell, all of whom have a large back catalog to choose from. I also have a Rachel Hawkins book on loan from the library right now that I plan to crack open tonight.

    5. I’ve recommended this already, but the Hillary Clinton/Louise Penney thriller, State of Terror, is fabulous.

      1. Oops I see somebody beat me to it! Okay, here’s another one: Hench by Natalie Zina Walschots. Maybe not everybody’s cup of tea but I loved it. (Shoutout to whoever first posted it here!)

      2. Did not love this one. Can’t really put my finger on why, I guess it was because the good characters were overly perfect and the bad characters were terrible all the way though. It was too black and white and felt trite.

    6. I love Georgette Heyer for regency era romances. The female characters are spunky but not too perfect, and I love the wit and pacing. They are not bodice rippers at all, maybe there is a kiss at the very end, but they are very fun.

    7. The Worst Guy by Kate Canterbury (on Kindle Unlimited) (contemporary romance)
      I’ve been binging the Victorian Rebels series by Kerrigan Byrne this year but all the trigger warnings

  12. Just something I’ve been thinking about today:
    If you are in a country where the currency is rapidly dropping in value, as Russians are now, what steps could you possibly take to protect yourself?
    Take out all your money in a foreign currency that you think will be stable?
    Buy gold as my immigrant family would?
    Open a bank account in another country? The thing is even if you did have money in another country or currency if there is rapid inflation wherever you are that will still only help so much.

    Of course, the feasibility of any of these measures depends on what is going on, and you might not be able to actually do any of them.

    1. I have shares of a good index fund as a hedge against currency fluctuations and market volatility in the U.S. But it’s not going to save me if the entire financial system stops working.

        1. That makes more sense! I don’t think this is a huge concern in the US but its a good idea to have some type of hedge and I don’t really think I or my parents have one right now. Other than the literal gold coins they own.

    2. I can answer this because I am Russian-American and lived in Russia during the currency crises of the 90s.

      Basically everyone constantly engages in foreign currency arbitrage. People do not hold the majority of their savings in rubles, but in foreign currencies. There are now many banks in Russia where you can hold money denominated in a foreign currency, but back in the 90s everyone just had cash in dollars, yen, GBP, euros. USD was the most popular but in my family we generally had 3+ stable currencies.

      Back in the 90s banks failed constantly, there was no equivalent of FDIC, and anyone who kept money in rubles or in a bank was constantly losing it. Most people in my family lost their entire soviet-era savings (held in the one and only bank, in rubles) in the early 90s as a result of hyperinflation. Many stores selling expensive items (e.g. household appliances) listed the prices in dollars and posted the daily exchange rate — I think this was made illegal at some point and then stores started listing prices in “units” and a conversion rate. There were many times when stores closed due to hyperinflation — they could not keep up with changing prices on an hourly basis.

      Now, banks still fail with some regularity but there is an FDIC equivalent. The inflation rate in Russia has been much more substantial than what we are used to in the US, but not hyper — when I visited in 2014, banks were advertising savings accounts with a ~13% return rate (I might be off by a few), and that was slightly below current inflation. But anyone who forgot the lessons of the 90s and was holding most of their money in rubles is about to have a terrible time. I have a hard time believing that many people did forget though, because I still am constantly stressed about inflation and hyperinflation, despite having lived in the US for decades. The experience of losing all your money to inflation stays with you.

      1. To add to this — my original comment is in moderation — but as a teenager in Russia in the 90s I could have told you the accurate exchange rate for USD and Euro on any random day. It was like the weather, you just kept an eye on it without really thinking about it.

      2. Most people who lived through the collapse of the Soviet Union are highly aware of the possibility of a complete destruction of a currency and remain paranoid to this day, regardless of where they live.

        What to do about the foreign currency question if there are sanctions though? Where are you supposed to hold foreign assets?

        1. Cash. My mom kept the majority of our savings in a bundle of cash wrapped in old socks in the toe of an old winter boot inside a box in the back of a closet behind a million other things. Money for this month’s expenses was hidden inside a book in the bookcase, which book changed regularly and she was the only one who knew.

          1. If your family lived through the great depression this was common too. When my grandmother passed we had to shake out all of her books as she would hide cash in between the pages (sometimes significant amounts) and then forget which books it was in.

      3. That’s fascinating, thank you for sharing. I’m not sure how the “holding money in a different currency in a Russian bank” will be affected by the sanctions now.

        1. My relatives behind the Iron Curtain hid money in their bathroom in the wall behind their toilet, because they knew that no one ever cleaned back there and it was sealed in plastic so it would not get wet or smell. When they visited me, my cousin took one of my sneakers which I found out he was using to hide more money. I thought this was dumb because it was a very expensive sneaker that would attract attention where he lives. My dad agreed and reminded me that he was on my Mom’s side of the family.

    3. I think this is why lots of paranoid people buy gold and now crypto (gold is probably still a safer bet).

      1. Paranoid makes it seem like a bad idea; would it have been a good idea in this case?

        1. Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean that you’re wrong!
          I always keep some cash in the house for this reason too. You never know when you will not be able to just go to a bank.

    4. My jewish relatives give jewelry for big occasions and culturally it’s very much a thing to have access to wealth in the form of jewelry/furs/silver (serving pieces, menorahs, etc.) that can be easily taken with you or traded. That side of my family fled Europe in the early 1900s after pogroms, but the stories from WW2 of mothers sewing jewelry into clothes/their children’s clothes/selling furs, art, menorahs to finance their passage out or to bribe officials are very alive in the cultural memory.

      1. Same with my family although not to the same extent. I’m feeling a lot of appreciation for all the gold jewelry I own, especially the pieces I wear every day, and the thought that this is what they’re actually for more than just decoration.

      2. Isn’t this partly the purpose behind things like engagement rings too? When women had little say in their financial matter a nice ring and whatever other jewelry you got was sometimes your only financial “security.” I always thought it was an outdated concept but a friend of mine married a real treasure of a man who hid all their assets from her after she quit working to raise their kids and when they were getting a divorce, selling her engagement ring got her through a real rough patch while the court dealt with the distribution of things. Obviously, the goal should be to be financially independent at all times, but that isn’t always the case for people for many different reasons, even today (and that’s not even accounting for war).

      3. I have a friend who immigrated to the US from Eastern Europe in her late teens and could not understand why her grandmother loaded her down with all this “old, ugly” jewelry until she realized t was worth tens of thousands of dollars and was basically a savings account.

        Also in many times and cultures, outright gifts of jewelry – as opposed to dower jewels – belonged to the recipient. Although divorce was mostly not possible, it was a hedge against death and abandonment.

  13. Wow –a lipstick named for a book that really put Masochism on the map, so to speak. “Venus in Furs” by Herr Sacher-Masoch. It’s a pretty good book.

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