Coffee Break: Society 6 Laptop Skins

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1. My shoes and boots always get worn on the tops and front of the toes and I hate it. I don’t know what about my gait does this, I don’t think I am running around kicking things, but my footwear looks super-worn because of this. Does anyone have ideas about ways I can protect the leather of my shoes?

   1. Get yourself in a routine of caring for your shoes. Maintenance takes next to no time, and at least for me, is relaxing. This looks like brush after each wear, polish as needed, condition every 6 months or so, sand and dress the edges of soles as needed. There’s a ton of shoe-care on mens’ forums (Shoe-tube, LOL), given the durability of well made dress shoes.

   2. Going up steps is usually the culprit.

2. Y’ALL. I have been perennially single, but moved to a new city over the summer. Back in October, I had a meet-cute with this guy at a Starbucks during a break at an industry conference. Turns out, he was a slotted to be a speaker at the conference for a panel later that day. He walked back to the conference venue with me. At the end of the day, he found me again and gave me his business card. I had a crush, but weighed whether contacting him on a personal level would be inappropriate. I settled on sending him a generic “great to meet you and great job on your presentation!” note a few days later, to which he replied. We messaged back and forth a few times, mostly about light professional stuff. It fizzled out and I thought okay that’s fine. He messaged me this morning and asked if I’m going to X industry event in town next week. (Said he “saw the communication about the event go out and thought of me.”) I said yes, I’m going. He said he was going to try to go and “would you be interested in meeting up for a drink sometime?” Ummm…a smart, professional guy who I actually crushed on in person? Yes, I am interested!!!

   1. Woo hoo! Enjoy!

   2. Yesssss!

   3. Yes! Have fun and keep us updated!

   4. Good luck and enjoy!!

   5. Ooooh, yes! Love this.

   6. Awww!! Omg, congratulations!! This is giving me second-hand butterflies :) What a wonderful thing to have happen – should make us all remember that beautiful and whimsical things could be just around the corner…

   7. I will need frequent detailed updates on this developing situation!

   8. Awesome!! Sending you good vibes!

   9. It’s your very own Hallmark Christmas movie! Have fun!

3. I was thinking about the manager this morning with the employee with too many unexplained absences. (Related to whether she should write the reference letter.)

   I used to work with someone like this and it got worse and worse. She was my peer at work and our managers just passed her along through our rotation program without addressing it. It turned out she was an alcoholic, and it was finally being out on a performance improvement plan that made her get help. But it took years before anyone did anything, and I often wonder whether it would have been better if one of our managers had taken her absenteeism more seriously instead of passing the buck. Maybe she would have gotten help earlier.

   Idk and I’m probably reading too much into your situation but I’m putting this out in the universe in case there is one more situation like my former colleague’s – if you as a manager or even a peer notice something, say something. Don’t just gloss over it.

   1. Mental health issues like depression and anxiety can also be a common cause of frequent absences.

      1. I was in a rotational program right out of school and it was worst few years of my life. I was dealing with so much outside of work but had to keep earning given my loans and how many people depended on me. I still feel guilty that the employer that treated me with the most humanity/grace got the worst version of me. I just thought I was lazy or burnt out or not smart enough for my job, but it wasn’t until much later that I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.
         In all honesty, I don’t know what more attention from the leaders of my program/managers would’ve done because I was so embarrassed and overwhelmed by what I was going through. I’d gone to an top 10 grad program and was not performing anything like, and every few weeks, I’d wonder whether this was the last straw and I was going to get fired. But I was too afraid to ask for any accommodation at work, lest I lose my job or be demoted or have a decrease in my salary.

         1. pardon the many typos. I still get a little emotional when I think about those years. I’m in a better place now but at the time, I didn’t see a path to healing.

            1. I’m glad you’re better now.

   2. Agree with this. You never really know what’s going on in someone’s life. I have seen this behavior when, unbeknownst to us all, someone was grappling with serious depression and eventually needed inpatient treatment. My boss was having issues with erratic attendance in her last year on the job. Everyone was frustrated but no one (to my knowledge) called her out because they figured, well, she’s nearing retirement and is just mentally and emotionally checked out. One year into retirement, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

      If attendance is truly an issue, you owe it to your employee to at least kindly inquire about what’s going on before jumping to conclusions that they’re lazy, hungover, whatever.

   3. I would be really careful about jumping to conclusions on this. I take sick days often (though I am far under my allotted total for the year). I take these days off because a lot of my friends are LEO and there are a few colleagues who actually cheer at their murders, so yeah every time a friend is murdered I call in sick because my mental health can’t take it. I’m not even sure what I’d do if someone accused me of alcoholism, but I suspect it would involve a lawyer, some obituaries and screenshots of slack messages cheering.

      1. According to the FBI, 59 police officers were killed in the line of duty from January 1, 2021, to September 30, 2021. I find it statistically incredible that you’ve had more than one friend murdered while on duty given that it’s such a rare occurrence (although of course it’s terrible that it happens at all).

         1. Not the anon above. One of my friends almost died on duty (will not say more so as to not out myself).

            1. I think the keyword here is “one.”The point is that it would be statistically improbable to have multiple friends dying in the line of duty on a regular enough basis that it makes people raise their eyebrows about how much PTO you’re using.

         2. More children were killed than police officers killed in the line of duty. This year at least, not sure about 2021. #merica

            1. Killed in schools specifically*

      2. Yeah, this is completely fake.

      3. I’m not sure what I’m reading. Do you mean that whenever a LEO is killed, you think of it as if it’s a friend of yours? Or that you live somewhere where individual personal friends of yours who are in LEO have been killed so frequently that you can characterize yourself as taking sick days often for this reason alone?

      4. Lololol

   4. She could also be getting IVF or dealing with a chronic health condition like IBS, IBD, interstitial cystitis, or chronic m*graine, all of which are ADA protected if disclosed, but people often don’t feel comfortable disclosing due to stigma, because they’re still in the process of getting an “official” diagnosis (it takes a long time to get specialist appointments these days) or discomfort discussing bodily functions. Immediately jumping to the conclusion that she’s lying and you should refuse to write a letter of recommendation is really failing her as a supervisor. If you think it’s a problem that she’s taking her allowed sick time, you need to discuss that with her and find out if there’s something going on, rather than just refusing to write a letter or giving a poor reference.

      1. +1. Years ago, someone gave me the advice that you need to discuss negative things with people in person before putting it in their performance review. The same probably applies here. To the example from this morning, if the person’s absences are a problem and work is not being done, then it needs to be addressed with the person. Same for the example above. That’s the tough part of managing.

         1. I thought this was common knowledge, but yes.

         2. Exactly. If absenteeism was a problem, it should have been discussed while she still reported to the manager from this morning, not after she’s already moved on to another manager.

            I know, I know. We are all conflict-avoidant. But that’s part of being a manager. You have to actually manage people in the moment.

      2. I think the important distinction here is that no one is owed a letter of recommendation. The ADA is to prevent someone being fired or formally disciplined, not to prevent someone from being unliked by their peers and/or distrusted by their supervisors. A letter of recommendation is for those whose performance is noteworthy and praise worthy and is not something that is required from OP. OP is under no obligation to write letters for anyone – indeed, I’ve known many professors who refuse to write letters of recommendation anymore.

         1. Often they are really perfunctory though.

         2. The issue though was that she said she would write a letter of rec and was trying to find how to get out of it over a hunch (unproven) that PTO was being taken for a reason different than provided.

         3. OK (and respectfully because this is a really specialized issue) but this is a terrible take.

            It is certainly acceptable to not write letters of recommendation for anyone. And that is the policy for a lot of employers specifically because it avoids issue of discrimination. It is quite decidedly NOT acceptable to refuse a letter for someone because they have a disability that requires them to take time off work.

            Think of it this way – if a male supervisor said he was not going to write a letter of recommendation for a woman because he did not think women belonged in the profession or because he thought a specific woman was child-free and later found out that was not true, he would decided not be immune from a lawsuit because she did not have a right to a letter of recommendation.

   5. I’ve definitely been on the receiving end of an employee who calls out way too much or is surprise unavailable at super inconvenient times. I don’t want to delve into my employees’ personal lives. If you’re out then I’m going to assume it’s for a good reason. At some point it starts to seem like the employee doesn’t take their job seriously, which of course shows in other ways too but attendance is a big one. But you have to remember that the company’s policies are in place for a reason and that’s to protect you as a manager (and the company by extension). The employee may have something going on that you don’t know about and aren’t entitled to know about. Follow the policy, check in with HR if you’re unsure about the policy, and shut down pettiness among peers who claim it’s not fair that her attendance is poor even if she’s within her rights under the policy. Don’t let yourself become biased against someone who is fulfilling their obligations to the company.

   6. I can’t eat anything with sorbitol in it. I read labels, but sometimes I find out after the fact in a very, very hard way. And when that happens, it is very sudden. I could say “food poisoning,” which my body thinks is what is happening. But I could just say that I’m pooping liquids in such a manner that there is a significant velocity involved. Would that be better?

      1. +3,000,000,000 (typing this while I am literally recovering from food poisoning at a level that has previously sent me to the ER and relieved my nice colleagues are not sitting around the water cooler discussing what I ate or the state of my intestinal tract… but covering my work which I dropped with no warning when I got… food poisoning.)

      2. I have IBS and sometimes end up accidentally eating one of my trigger foods, and similar things happen to me; I will also get trapped gas so severe that I sometimes feel the cramps from my neck to my legs. Those are not days I am going to tough it out and go in the office just so I can show my face, and make sure people won’t think I’m lazy or an alcoholic. I also get migraines that are so bad I scream. So how about this: If someone says they are sick and cannot come in/log on for the day, just believe them. I don’t tell everyone in the world about my chronic health conditions because they’re not other people’s business, and also most of the time they’re well-managed. But they do exist and sometimes I am going to miss work because of them.

         Also: This is why some of us are so intent on continuing to work from home. Since I have been WFH I have had far fewer IBS flares and migraine attacks. My overall health is so much better. My husband and I have discussed that it’s probably better for me not to work than go back into an office job 5 days a week. A significant number of people who realize how much better their chronic illnesses can be with WFH are not going to give that up because other people get lonely, or some bosses insist on “face time” in the office.

   7. I was surprised by people who expected specificity for sick leave. If I’ll be out for just a day or two like with most routine illnesses I always just tell my boss “I need a sick day” and don’t go into specific details. Sometimes I will say “my kid is sick” if that’s true because he is also a parent and understands the daycare petri dish thing. When I needed to take a few weeks off for mental health issues a couple years ago, I just told my then-boss I needed to take FMLA time for a health issue and my doctor would send paperwork to HR. The doctor’s paperwork specified that it was anxiety-related but that went straight to my company’s HR and (theoretically at least) my boss never saw it. I don’t manage full-time employees but I would not balk at someone just saying they need sick leave without going into any detail. If they were going to be out longer than a week I would tell them they need to get a doctor’s note to HR and run FMLA concurrently because that’s our company policy. But I don’t need or want details about what’s making them ill!

      1. +1. I think it’s unprofessional and frankly kind of weird to expect any details!

         1. I’m OP and I’m not talking about “please bring in proof you had diarrhea.” I’m talking about, “hey, you’ve been using a lot of PTO days lately. Is everything ok?” I think that’s far better than never bringing it up, but then after the fact thinking the employee wasn’t worthy of a reference letter.

            In the case of my former colleague, she actually ran out of PTO days and was taking unpaid days before management did anything.

            In the end, it was our employer who helped her find a program, because the only people in her life by that point were here colleagues/managers, and her drinking buddies, and the latter group certainly wasn’t going to help her.

            1. Unless somebody is close to running out of leave, I think it’s inappropriate to ask questions.

   8. The flip side is that many medical conditions carry stigma that they shouldn’t and people make all sorts of assumptions about your ability to progress accordingly. Most of my friends with chronic health conditions or are caring for loved ones with such conditions are doing absolutely everything not to have their employers know for fear they will miss out on opportunities to progress. Most workplaces are very competitive and any sign at being too old, too sick or what have you gets exploited–it doesn’t have to be being fired. It can be as simple as being passed over for promotions or projects or having people make all sort of assumptions about your mental capabilities. There is a reason why the ADA is out there and far fewer people will lean on it than could out of fear of ruining references and being labeled (just like far more people get harassed than those who will pursue legal action). It’s easy to say you want a workplace to intervene. Not everyone wants their employer to know that they have gone through several miscarriages, they are praying their cancer diagnosis won’t mean months of chemo, they are dealing with hospice workers that aren’t showing up and they know recession cuts are on the horizon, etc. etc. And it is most certainly not a a peer’s job to police others use of PTO.

   9. The other piece i keep thinking about is it seems (from my brief read) that her absences were only when she was with the other manager. Is there an issue between them?:

4. This might be a longshot, but does anyone have reccs for adult swimming lessons in northern VA? I’m in Arlington but willing to travel ~20 miles for moderately priced instruction. I’ve never learned how to swim and decided I want to do the damn thing already!! Thanks!

   1. No recommendations but yay for giving this a go! I started swim lesson this fall and it is SO FUN!

   2. Have you looked at the ones offered by Arlington County? My kid took classes there and while the organization was a bit chaotic, the instruction was great. They also offer private lessons. If you want something fancier, the St. James offers private lessons and their pools are nice.

      1. Thanks for the encouragement y’all! I did check out Arlington county a few times but have always been waitlisted. But thanks for the recc on the St. James – not sure why I didn’t think of them but just booked my first two lessons this week!!! Thank you!

         1. Per my FB group: Longbridge Aquatics, Swimbox, Big Blue, St. James, WeAquatics, and Goldfish swim school. There’s posts like this every so often, but this one was earlier this month.

5. Oh wise hive, I need a sanity check (and possibly a legal sniff test?)

   My beloved grandmother died two years ago – she and I were very, very close. She passed on many gifts/heirlooms to my parents and me over the years while she was alive; now my uncle is claiming that he has rights to two things in particular.

   One is a small collection of 15-20 Christmas ornaments that my grandmother gave me about 7 years ago. They’re simple colored glass globes, many of them are faded and scratched. I use them every year on my Christmas tree and often shared photos/videos with my grandmother; it made her so happy to see them on display in my home. Similar collections are going from $30-$50 on Etsy. My uncle claims that he should have them now because of their sentimental value.

   The other is an antique silk robe that a family member brought back from China in the 1950’s. This robe was actually gifted from my grandmother to my parents back in the 1980s and has been on display in our family homes for several years. It was badly damaged in a house fire in the early 2000s, at which point my parents gave it to me. It’s been hanging on the wall in my home for several years. Apparently my uncle saw it in a video that I sent to my grandmother a few years ago; he claims that the robe was supposed to be hanging in her closet (implying that I stole it?) and that she left it to him in her will.

   He’s been harassing me about these since she died; his most recent email threatened legal action against me if I do not return these items (particularly the robe). It’s worth noting that he was an absolute jerk to my grandmother while she was alive and caused her a lot of heartache. I miss her dearly and am still grieving her; it’s making it hard to think about this rationally. I really do not want to give in to this bullying, especially on what feels like such baseless claims, but I also do not want to get involved in some drawn out legal battle over these items (making the grieving process worse).

   What would you do in my shoes? Does he have any legal standing to demand these items that were gifted to me/my parents?

   1. IANAL, but your uncle’s history of asshattery makes me inclined to say do not give him one more second of your time.

   2. What does the will say?

      1. I have not seen the will first hand, but he claims that a Chinese robe stored in her closet was left to him in the will and that it is the same robe he’s seen on my wall. It’s possible he is lying about the will, or he manipulated my grandmother into adding this before she died, or the will could be referring to a different robe entirely – there were actually two robes gifted to my parents back in the 80s and the other robe is in my attic; entirely possible there could be even more robes floating around? (the original collector was really into Chinese antiquities). My guess is that he doesn’t know the second one exists or he would be trying to claim that one too. What’s absurd is that both robes were so badly fire damaged that they’re literally falling apart and could not possibly have any market value.

      2. Did your grandparents make provisions in their wills for Christmas ornaments and robes? Mine sure did not. It’s absolutely ridiculous that the uncle wants these things, which clearly have sentimental value to the OP and no real cash value of any kind.

   3. If there’s nothing written in a will or any other documentation saying she left them to him, he has no legal standing and you should just delete each email that comes through. At most, so it’s in writing, I’d respond something like “Grandma gave me these ornaments December 2017 as a Christmas gift. Multiple witnesses can attest to this. They have been in my house since December 2017, and have been documented in many photos since that date.” Then do the same for the robe.

      He’s most likely bluffing. The value of the objects is so low that it would go to small claims court, so it wouldn’t be really be a legal battle as much as just a day in court where you explain the situation. But I doubt he’d take it that far since he doesn’t have a case. I’d match his bluff and act willing to go to small claims court to defend your right to the things. Again, since he has no real basis, I doubt he’d actually try.

      So sorry you’re having to go through this.

      1. If the item was left to him in the will, but then grandma changed her mind and gave the item away and never updated the will, who gets the item?

         1. It might vary by state (I doubt it), but in my state if there’s an item in the will that grandma gave away before dying, it stays with the recipient of the gift. The will is intended to distribute whatever grandma owned at the time of her death, and if she’d gifted an item to someone else, she didn’t own it. It’s also very unlikely she would have written specific instructions regarding a robe and Christmas ornaments (some people do this, but I wouldn’t count on a specific accounting of all possessions in most people’s wills).

            Also from a practical standpoint, uncle would have to file a lawsuit in small claims. Or get a lawyer who he would have to be willing to pay to sue someone over maybe $200 worth of stuff. None of that will happen. I’d ignore him or just say something like, “Grandma gave me these items on (appx date) and I will be keeping them. Please don’t contact me about these items again.”

      2. This is really helpful, thank you! So far I have been deleting all emails about it but it does feel like it’s time to put something in writing just in case he tries to take it further.

      3. I agree with Emma. Also, regardless of what her will says, your grandmother no longer owned these items at the time of her death, so they were not hers to bequeath to anyone. They were already given to you and your family and they remain your property after her death. Your uncle is a total jerk (and sadly reminds me of some of my relatives)!

      4. +! I would respond once with the facts and then refuse to engage. If he threatens to sue again, tell him that you are sorry to hear he thinks that is appropriate but given that threat all future communications should be through your attorneys. As satisfying as it would be to point out that maybe Grandma would have given these things to him if he had been a better son, I recommend resisting.

         And then block him.

         Also, gifts are no longer part of the estate to be distributed. He could try to argue undue influence but given how long these items have been in your possession that would be an uphill battle.

         Sorry you are going through this and condolences on your loss.

         1. Thank you! This whole thread has helped me calm down a lot about the situation. Really appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

   4. I would block him on everything you can and never speak to him again.

      1. I would think about lighting all of the heirlooms on fire in my front yard, but then again, I’m petty.

         1. You’ll love this… I actually blocked him years ago because of other shadiness/harassment. This most recent email only made it to me because he logged into my dead grandmother’s email and used her account to contact me.

            1. What an a-hole. I’m so sorry! FWIW, I think death can bring out the worst in people. My uncle is in hospice and his impending demise is really doing a number on my family members.

   5. Separate out the emotions from the legal issues. Who loves who and who misses her the most do not provide a legal basis to the decedent’s stuff. Neither does being a jerk.

      Did she write it in her Will? Simple question. In many jurisdictions, you can find out what attorney probated the Will (if you do not have a copy yourself, or your parents do not). Probate is over, right? Is he accusing the executor/personal representative of not having followed what was in the Will? Even if it was in the Will, it generally would not pass to him if she gave it away before her death. Photos you sent to her of the items would show that they were gifted to you and therefore, not part of the estate.

      1. You’re right – all emotions aside, my question really was “Can a gift, once given, be revoked 35+ years later and regifted to someone else through the giver’s will?” Based on the responses here (and basic logic) the answer seems to be “no.” We’ll see if it actually plays out that way!

   6. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

      My mom, as the oldest daughter in her family, was the recipient of my grandmother’s wedding ring set (my grandmother specified this in her will). My mom wore it for a few years and then gave it to me (I am the oldest granddaughter).

      One of my aunts got really mad and said that the ring should have gone to her – even though she’s the third daughter in the family, and she was left some other jewelry, including a necklace my grandmother had been given for a milestone anniversary. My aunt got increasingly strident in her requests for me to turn the ring over to her. I finally told her, it would break Grandma’s heart if you and I ended up in court over this, but if you really want the ring, get a lawyer. And then I blocked her number and email address.

      When it comes time to put up or shut up, most people will shut up. In your case, the items you’re speaking about have minimal cash value; it will cost far more for your uncle to pursue you legally than the items are worth. I would tell him something politely dismissive and then ignore future communications.

      1. I’m so sorry you had a similar situation and glad it finally resolved. I actually have my grandmother’s engagement ring too – thankfully he must not know about that!

   7. Of course they are yours, at this point. I’m so sorry this is so stressful for you.

      This is so erratic/irrational that I suspect either some mental illness or early dementia may be playing a role here. And often there are stories from the past that might clarify this behavior that you will never know fully.

      I wonder – what your mother or father (who is the sibling to your uncle?) says about all this? It was surprising to me you didn’t mention that. I might let that guide you a little. If my parent thought there was any truth to your uncles belief or a story behind his attachment to the items that I didn’t know…. I would give them to him. You never know. It is also strange this is happening after two years, making me think even more that something is going on in your uncle’s brain that can’t be good….

      1. You’re spot on with the mental illness observation. My uncle has a history of emotional instability and suspicious scheming. Sadly, my father (uncle’s brother) also has multiple mental illnesses that make him an unreliable voice in all of this (sensing a trend?). We are largely estranged and only speak 4-5 times a year. My father did make a halfhearted effort to get involved about a year ago, essentially saying “Your uncle wants me to ask you about some Christmas ornaments and some Chinese robe that he says should belong to him now.” That was the first I’d heard of the demand (had already blocked my uncle’s email/phone due to previous inappropriate communications) and I told him absolutely not, for all the reasons outlined in my original post. My father basically threw up his hands and said “I don’t know nuthin about nuthin” and recused himself from the entire situation. Not much help but also not surprising.

         I do try to remember that losing a parent is incredibly painful and that grief could make even the kindest among us do and say irrational, cruel things.

         1. Ugh. That makes everything worse, but now it makes sense.

            Your uncle is not going to bring you to court. Your uncle is likely mentally ill, untreated, and with aging he will likely only get worse. I am so sorry for this, and now I pity your uncle too. Yes, his mother’s death could easily have triggered progression of his disease. He needs a doctor’s care, and I suspect he isn’t getting it.

            And maybe your father isn’t either?

            There is so much poorly treated mental illness in this country, and it increases your risk of dementia and only gets worse with aging. It can effect any of us, at any time, and those of us that already have genetics against us… sounds like your Dad/uncle share high risk genes… well, it’s not all their fault, you know?

            Try if you can to cut him some slack. He’s sick. And if paranoid, he likely has the kind of illness where “lack of insight” is part of the disease. He doesn’t see himself as wrong/sick. So why in the world would he need a doctor? When you truly understand mental illness, it is such a tragedy for all.

   8. Not legal advice, but I’d keep (digitally and in a paper printout) all of the emails he’s sent, then block him on your phones and your email addresses (both personal and workplace numbers and addresses) if possible. Anyone can sue anyone for anything, but your uncle is probably all talk and no action. To get the stuff back, he’d have to file a complaint, sue you, WIN (unlikely), get a judgment, and enforce the judgment. That’s a lot of work for him, work he probably won’t do.

   9. This is how your uncle is processing his grief and guilt. I would tell him you’ll be ignoring his emails and texts from now on, then do so.

      I have plenty of borderline family members. This is the only way. 99% chance he will never follow through on the legal threat. If he does so, 99% chance he loses.

      Use all the block features and move on with your life.

      1. You’re right that guilt and grief can make people do crazy things. This reminder is helping to take some of the sting out of this. Thank you.

   10. I’d find dupes on eBay or Etsy and send him those. He just wants to be a jerk and probably has no way of knowing whether what you sent is real or not. I’m all for whatever stops the argument and doesn’t cost much. Way cheaper than litigation.

   11. Late to respond but saw this and had to because I was in a very similar situation a few years ago: jerk uncle suddenly claiming things my beloved grandparents gave me were meant for him; I was very close to them and he was very inconsistent and hot and cold with them, not to mention absolutely horrible to my poor mom who ended up handling all their elder care, funerals, etc. I realized later it was how he was processing his grief, but in the moment it was really unsettling. I ended up blocking him and not looking back. I know it was the right thing to do when he couldn’t even be bothered to show up at their funerals (but somehow he just had to have their things).

       1. Sounds very very familiar! I’m sorry you had to go through that but glad you made the choice to block and move on. Hooray for establishing firm boundaries with crappy uncles!

6. Have you or anyone in your family had a psychotic break? I have a younger teen sister from my Dad’s second family. She had one (I think, just my layman’s opinion not a medical diagnosis) over Thanksgiving. Per my dad, my stepmom took her to her doctor and the doctor thinks it’s just intrusive thoughts / manifestation of anxiety. All I can say is that this was scary to see and yet like a 30 minute interlude in an otherwise unremarkable weekend. I’m not wired this way at all (but my Dad and a lot of his relatives do struggle with anxiety (again, my opinion but based on observations and their remarks over the years) all treated and unmedicated from what I can tell). I know my stepmom is one who can’t not treat something like this, so I do think she will get my sister some help. At a distance now that the holidays are over (and a 10 year age difference) what, if anything, can I do to help any of them? I will be back for an xmas visit.

   1. Was she having delusions? Anxiety on its own isn’t psychosis. Psychosis specifically refers to losing contact with reality (hallucinations, delusions, etc).

      My brother had a psychotic break a couple of years ago and unfortunately there really isn’t anything you can do. If her parents are her guardians, they should be getting her therapy (ideally intensive outpatient), meds, and potentially putting her in an inpatient program if it’s bad enough. Other than that, be a gentle, loving, supportive landing place. Non-judgement is key here. Don’t ever try to give advice, tell her what she needs, or intervene in a way that could be perceived as judgment. She is getting the help she needs from the people responsible for her, and the best thing you can do is just be a loving sister who doesn’t act like there’s something wrong with her.

      1. I think, yes. It seemed like she was seeing something that wasn’t there (or she would say she would close her eyes and something harmful would be there). She was acting like something was there that would harm her but not seeing, say, a cat. Something amorphous and harmful. IDK that I’ve adequately explained it. 15 minutes either side of this and nothing looked out of the ordinary and she was having regular day it seemed. I know she gets anxious and from her mom does seem to have intrusive thoughts here and there previously. But with COVID and schools previously being closed and apparently pediatric doctors being hard to find where they live, they hadn’t made as much progress in any of this as her mom had hoped for (maybe that is optimistic?).

         1. That makes a lot of sense!! Ugh that is scary. It may be OCD related and like she was seeing scary visions when she closed her eyes? Are her parents getting her a therapist? I think that would be the biggest thing for them to stay on top of amidst all of this so she can speak openly about what she was experiencing. Doctors are not the best equipped to deal with mental health and can minimize these types of things. Also disregard my comment below!

            1. Is a psychologist the same as a therapist? If so, yes. But I know they have struggled to find a psychiatrist (but that was for ADD, I think, and that was before the other things came up) and are still trying to find that even with having to try places an hour away.

      2. After re-reading, you say the doctor called it anxiety and intrusive thoughts. This definitely isn’t a psychotic break. I’d say, honestly, stay out of it. It doesn’t sound like you have a lot of knowledge about mental health and maybe a bit of other-ing around it. Totally reasonable and makes sense, but I really think the challenge and goal for you should be to be as nonjudgmental, open and understanding, compassionate, and loving as possible.

   2. Was it a panic attack? Those are pretty treatable with meds and time. Just send them love and support.

      A “psychotic break” in my mind is not a 30 minute thing. It’s a long road. I have a friend and a cousin who each had postpartum psychosis – in layman’s terms I think it’s fair to call that a psychotic break. It was very scary and very dangerous and required multiple hospitalizations. They’re both doing great now. But it was not something I would wish on my worst enemy. And I think it’s pretty unfair to compare a panic attack, if that’s what happened, with actual psychosis.

   3. Honest question: any chance she decided to try some recreational drug use to lighten the stress of a holiday with her family? Has anyone asked her in a non-confrontational way if she did?

      That would be my guess, based on the age and your description of things.

      1. I was honestly thinking the same thing. She sounds exactly like I am when I smoke weed and have a bad trip.

         1. Seriously — I don’t partake but never realized that weed can do this. Often? Rarely? I thought it was being mellow and maybe you eat a bag of Fritos.

            1. It can make you really paranoid and if it was her first time, the effects may have scared her.

            2. I don’t partake because I have anxiety and would be concerned that I’d have extreme paranoia. Google the clip of Colin Jost talking about why he doesn’t smoke on Seth Meyers.

               It also could have been laced with something without her knowledge. I had a friend in college who unknowingly smoked some bad weed and was essentially hallucinating that blood was streaming out of every pore of his body and wouldn’t stop screaming or running around to try to make it stop.

            3. If you don’t dose it right (which most teens don’t), you can have a bad trip any time you ingest too much weed. I was eating 5 mg THC gummies once a week or so with no problems (this is a very small amount), but most recently started getting the bad-trip effects from even this amount so I’ve stopped completely. It’s usually a weird sense of losing your hold on reality (not in a concrete way, but each moment to moment passing is scary). A few nights ago I was clinging to my boyfriend saying “I’m so scared, I’m so scared,” without being able to articulate why. Just a generalized, existential terror. It really sounds similar to her experience.

            4. Weed is a lot stronger now that it used to be, if you’re comparing this to weed you may have smoked years ago before medicinal use/recreational legalization. I can’t go near the stuff.

               And yeah, back in pre-legal days, my husband (before I met him) had an experience with street weed that probably was laced with something – maybe heroin – that caused him to hallucinate, then get violently ill. He was and is a, shall we say, experienced weed user, so this was noticeably different.

      2. Ummm…yeah. This is a valid question. Now that weed is legal in so many places and the illicit thrill is gone, a lot of teenagers are turning to psychedelics, like psilocybin, LSD, ketamine, etc. recreationally, or because they’ve heard it helps with depression. But with things like mushrooms or peyote, there is zero quality control or even dosing control that’s really possible. And people can have very different reactions to psychedelics, even from one trip to the next (i.e., a person could have a great trip on mushrooms one day and the next week have a terrible trip from the exact same product).

         It could also be weed – there are some seriously powerful strains out there, some of which have been bred specifically for psychoactive effects. A friend of mine bought some from a dispensary when it got legalized in his state and said it was probably 20x more powerful than the oregano-level stuff we smoked in college. Even people who have experience with weed aren’t always prepared for the hit of the new strains.

         However, even if OP’s sister maybe had a bad trip on something, there’s no cause for alarm. My dad had a bad LSD trip in 1968 and never did it again after that; he doesn’t have flashbacks or anything. If she had a bad time but doesn’t have any lingering aftereffects, she probably learned a valuable lesson and may not do it again (or at least will be more careful in the future).

   4. You can’t do anything. Her parents are dealing with this. Be a loving sister.

   5. Yes, I have family members who have had psychotic breaks. One had bipolar disease that manifested late in life, and the other probably has schizophrenia, that manifested after she gave birth to her first child. Let’s just say that phrase is not a great one, as it implies a sudden severe break from reality and many people get hospitalized at that point. And it doesn’t tend to last for like 30 minutes and go back to normal. So I would not use that term.

      Your sister is very young to be having any of the common psychiatric diseases with psychosis, so I totally agree with the other folks that I would be first concerned about any recreational drug use.

      It sounds like she absolutely needs a psychiatrist following her. and it was unclear from your post if she was just taken to her usual ?pediatrician, which is not sufficient. If someone is truly psychotic (having hallucinations / delusions) they need close follow-up and most need long term treatment with medication, therapy, lifestyle interventions. And if she has a genetic tendency in the family towards anxiety as well, I am glad to hear her Mom will be her advocate and get her help.

      In your shoes, continue to be a good sister to her, be supportive, tell her you love her and if you live nearby try to take her out for occasional big sister bonding things if you feel comfortable. I do this for my niece (who sounds like she is about the age of your sister), who is having mental health problems. And support her Mom, ask if she has found a psychiatrist yet, if there is anything you can do and just ask HER how she is doing.

      1. Similarly, my extended family members who have had what was variously described as nervous breakdowns or psychotic breaks weren’t just having a moment, they turned out to be seriously mentally ill. And mentally ill for life, not like something a couple of pills would clear right up.

   6. Seeing this late. My sister had a psychotic break when she was in her mid 20s. She spent a week in the hospital, 4 weeks in a rehab faculty and 6 months in outpatient rehab. She was diagnosed as bipolar and a myriad of other things. She was also an alcoholic at the time, but nobody knew.

      That was about a decade ago. What’s crazy is she doesn’t remember anything from about a month before the incident through nearly 3 months after she left the outpatient program. Nearly a whole year, just gone.

7. When my mom died, she had a houseful of a few sentimental items, nothing valuable, and just mountains of cheap, broken stuff. My siblings and I spent some time after she died taking just a few things that had meaning to us – not valuable, just sentimental – and we were talking about how on earth we were going to give away or otherwise get rid of everything else.

   Then we noticed my BIL who no one likes (for good reason, he’s an a hole) sneaking in and out of the house with armfuls of stuff. He was literally stealing the stuff we were trying to figure out how to get rid of. My other sibling and I just looked at each other and let him continue. We also saw his wife, our sister, make eye contact with him as he was doing this, so she knew what he was up to. It certainly wasn’t out of character for either of them, and wasn’t the first time they’d stolen from her.

   I am 100% sure that if we’d said, “Bill and Melinda, are you willing to take some of this stuff?” they would have been insulted and said no, but I guess stealing it made it seem valuable!

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