Coffee Break: Soft Lady Bag

107 Comments

1. For OCI, do firms typically actually communicate rejections once you’re past the callback stage? Firm I did a callback with more than 5 weeks ago (pre-OCI) has gone radio silence even when I followed up. Pretty sure that’s a tacit rejection, right?

   1. With the caveat that it has been years, yes they do reach out. You’re probably on the cusp. They like you so haven’t outright rejected you and are keeping you on a “maybe” list they revisit during hiring committee meetings and/or as acceptances come in.

      1. Yep I would assume this is the case as well. Offers do come before rejections generally, especially if you’re close to getting an offer.

   2. Sometimes but not always. Be prepared for an avalanche of rejection letters all at the same time. But also be prepared to just get ghosted by some.

   3. I remember getting a few rejection letters a about 3 months later. I had kind of gathered at that point, so I thought it was funny they bothered. Good luck!

   4. Thanks everybody! I’ve got a bunch of offers from some great firms so it’s not a big deal. A bit disappointing since it’s one of the few firms in my hometown I applied to, but oh well

2. Has anyone here done prolonged exposure therapy to treat PTSD? My therapist talked to me about it today, but having to think about the trauma repeatedly freaks me out. I talked to her about that, of course, but I don’t know anyone in real life who’s done it, and I’m just curious about some firsthand experiences and whether it helped, how wrecked you were during the time you were doing PE, etc.?

   1. I’m following. It’s been recommended to me to try EMDR because the trauma does not have to be restated (in my case that’s essentially reliving it~ no thanks)

      1. I tried EMDR and it did not work for me. It may have been the provider, and I was not completely comfortable with her. I know it has worked wonders for many people!

   2. If you want to read about exposure, EMDR, and other proven effective trauma therapies, I can’t recommended The Body Keeps the Score more. But it is tough because he tells you exactly what is traumatizing patients, and it’s not pretty.

      1. But I realize that’s not your question. I didn’t need exposure therapy, but it took 12 weeks through a VA protocol (not administered by VA) to resolve most PTSD symptoms. I was subclinical, but solving that made anxiety much easier to treat. Best of luck to you.

         1. Thank you! My therapist did also recommend that book, so I’ve just downloaded the audiobook. Your experience is encouraging because I’ve had chronic anxiety my whole life (my trauma happened when I was very young). It’s getting harder and harder to manage, so clearly I need a better solution than repression, hypervigilance, and compulsions.

            1. Sending you so much love. I worked with a therapist whose previous experience was with veterans. She was truly extraordinary, and I’m so grateful that she brought trauma-informed treatments to the table. My sister has had very little luck with therapy and is about to start EMDR with someone she just loves. Everyone else was focused on the anxiety and not the trauma. Already the new person, who came from the trauma lens, has helped my sister leaps more than anyone else. Please keep us posted as and when you have the bandwidth. May you find a path to lifting the burden.

   3. I did Cognitive Processing Therapy and it’s worked wonders. It specifically avoids relaying the events of the trauma, and deals more with the thoughts, “stuck points,” and anxieties that stemmed from the event and how they persist in your day-to-day.

   4. I am a psychologist and have done both prolonged exposure and CPT with patients, and I often suggest the latter first. There’s a really good American life episode on cognitive processing therapy.

3. How do you deal with your friends moral transgressions?

   Recently a friend impregnated his mistress so now there is an affair baby. I was horrified but the rest of our friend group just looked the other way. I’m aware that I’m the weird one here, but it did get me thinking, hence the above question.

   1. This is tough. On one end of the spectrum, I’ve had friends (or “friends”) say that they are ending their friendship with me because my husband and I are on the verge of divorce. (No infidelity on either side, no abuse, and their attitude is, he’s not abusing me or cheating on me, so no matter how miserable I am, I need to stick it out. That my husband has also been on the verge of filing paperwork is somehow irrelevant to their friendship with him. Sexist little crapheads.) Eventually, people will make decisions that you don’t believe in; eventually, everyone will do something “wrong;” and it will be quite lonely – and hypocritical – in a self-righteous tower.

      Then there’s the adultery end of the spectrum. Presumably, the people whose needs matter most here are the cheated-on wife and the baby who didn’t ask for this mess. In your position, I would do my best to support them, and otherwise, let the chips fall where they may with this guy. Towards him, my attitude would be that he screwed up other people’s lives; he’s no victim; it’s his job to try to mitigate the damage to the people who didn’t ask for this. I wouldn’t support him in “woe is me” or the drama-fest of an affair baby. I would also let his wife know that she has your full support. Again, she didn’t ask for this disaster.

      My guess is that you won”t have to “do” nearly as much as you think you will; this kind of dysfunction tends to explode other relationships pretty quickly.

      1. Those friends are awful. I do not think I’d want to stay (close) friends with someone who was cheating on their spouse, but ending a friendship because someone is getting divorced is crazy.

         1. Ironically, one of them is an adulterer. She slept around on her husband some years ago; he found out; he forgave her; she’s still friends with her lover (which… not my circus or monkeys, but probably a bad idea for marital harmony). It’s why she’s so steamed at me – in her world, if her husband can forgive her for adultery and try to make it work, I’m a horrible person for informing my husband that it’s time to shape up or it’s over.

            1. Yikes, sounds like she’s completely projecting her own stuff on you. Sorry about that.

      2. Sexist little crapheads, indeed. Sheesh. I’m sorry about this, Anon.

   2. I mean I hate this post. Affair baby is a terrible way to describe an innocent trial. Impregnate is a word only very judgy people use. But if your friend having a mistress bothers you this much, stop being his friend.

      1. Impregnate is literally the verb for getting someone pregnant…what else is she supposed to say? “Knocked up his mistress” sounds way more judgy.

         1. Lmao, you are correct, I thought the term ‘knock up’ would have been crass so I opted for the medical term.

            1. It does sound like something done with a turkey baster, though.

               I think “is expecting a child with his mistress” would be more neutral.

         2. There’s a gendered element to the post. There isn’t a derogatory male equivalent of “mistress,” it’s only women we denigrate for having affairs with men. “Affair partner” is a gender neutral term. And “impregnate” sounds like it was something done to a woman, not something she participated in, which raises questions of personhood and agency and perhaps consent. I wasn’t particularly fussed by the word choice, personally, but I can acknowledge that it’s for sure gendered.

            1. YUP this is what I meant.

   3. This is exactly the kind of friend group dynamic I was talking about in a comment on the morning thread. You are not the weird one. Your friends are awful.

   4. I think there is no hard and fast rule with this stiff – you can be friends with folks who make mistakes, while not condoning what they’re doing. Of course, this is situation dependent. It would be hard for me to stay friends with someone who impregnated their mistress and show no remorse for it. Sometimes there are things that you need to remove yourself from.
      As for your mutual friends, some may decide to deal with it by not getting involved, which I would say is a valid way to deal in some cases. But, the big question is – do y’all know the person he’s cheating on? How is that dynamic?

      1. It’s one thing to be friends with someone who cheated, it’s another thing to be in a friend group with an entire group of people who are helping this guy to hide his affair. I’ve done the former but I wouldn’t do the latter. Like you say, people make mistakes, sometimes life is messy. Not ideal but I’m not going to cut off everyone who has ever done anything I disagree with. Don’t make me implicit in your affair though. I am not covering for you, I am not going to play nice and alternate hanging out with your wife and mistress. I will not be part of a group dynamic that encourages people to make terrible decisions.

      2. We do know her, she’s in the process of escaping. In my opinion she was the better half of that relationship: smarter, kinder, more educated, and professionally successful.

         1. Well in that case it makes perfect sense for you to choose her in the breakup. I would be hurt if a good friend wanted to stay friends with my ex husband who’d cheated on me.

         2. Have you talked to others in your friend group about why they’re reacting the way that they are? Is it possible that they view the wife or the relationship differently than you do? Or have facts that you don’t that make the situation more complex?

            I am not a person who has a couple-friend group – I have my friends, my husband has his, they don’t really overlap – but even in a group there’s information asymmetry and may be a diversity of views on everyone involved here. What’s more likely – that all of your friends are tolerating a super not-okay situation bc they’re morally bankrupt, or that they may disapprove but also find the wife unbearable/know that the couple had actually been quietly separated when this happened/some other nuance that makes them less inclined to public moral outrage?

            1. My observation is that when someone does something bad, people in aggregate view the person who did the bad thing as “powerful” and therefore more socially desirable, and people in aggregate view the person harmed as weak/a victim/a loser/less socially desirable than before.

               I’ve read this is a USA white people thing though, so it may not hold true in other contexts.

            2. There’s no secret info I’m missing, he’s the ‘fun’ one, which is absolutely true, he has no responsibilities as his soon to be ex does all household things and is the breadwinner by a very large margin. It’s not exactly hard to be fun when being hungover on a Wednesday has no consequences.

   5. i think your friend group is the weird one. i guess i am glad that so far i haven’t had to deal with serious friend moral transgressions, but i cant imagine not being bothered at all by something like that

   6. I would have a hard time with this too. Do you all know the wife? Does she know about this? How did she react? If I was friends with her, I would take my clues from her. If she is trying to forgive him, I would try to stay friends

   7. I’m confused about what you’re bothered by. Did he impregnate the mistress against her wishes (how?) and that makes him a bad guy? Is it that the affair pregnancy makes it harder to pretend no affair is going on? Is it the having of the baby vs. quietly “taking care of it”? Is it that the affair couple are happy with this turn of events? If it’s just that he’s having an affair at all how does the baby change that?

   8. I think it’s weird that what is bothering you is “an affair baby.”

      The moral problem was with the affair. It’s not the baby’s fault and if anything the affair should probably be more palatable now not less since there will be an ongoing connection there in some way (whether major or minor).

      1. I think the issue is he can no longer end things with mistress and cut off all ties. The wife will most likely eventually find out about the affair.

         1. It sounds like the wife knows and the couple is divorcing. So it may be as simple as other friends like the husband more than the wife, see that the marriage is ending, and have decided that they want to maintain a relationship with the husband post-divorce so they’re not inclined to ostracize him. May be the case that they view the affair as a symptom of marital breakdown, rather than the cause.

      2. Why would that make the affair MORE palatable?

   9. I think it depends on how close I am with the friend. I had friends (a straight couple) who divorced a few years back because he had an affair with another woman. I’d known the wife for 20+ years and they’d been together for about a decade, so I really felt like they were both my friends. We vacationed together, had one another over for dinner, etc. Our kids are around the same age. The husband and I loved the same kinds of movies, so we actually had a lot more to talk about with each other despite the gender divide.

      But honestly, when I found out what happened, he was dead to me pretty much immediately and she was still my good friend from forever. I hang out with her and/or her kid, and I’d be happy to never be in the same room with him again. When I’ve had to see him (e.g., camp pickup), I’ve been polite but I don’t see us going beyond small talk.

      What I’ve noticed (as a fortysomething) is that trying to keep my tight college and/or law school friend groups together seemed really, really important when I was in my 20s, but as I’ve gotten older I’m much less inclined to feel like I have to socialize with the ones who are jerks (like the ex-husband) or even ones that just live in a different world (e.g., the really wealthy housewife who can’t disengage from her tween/teen kids for more than 45 minutes). I wish we hadn’t grown apart but life happens.

      1. Are you me? Similar situation: the husband was once a close friend but I have zero interest in continuing a friendship with him. The wife and I are solid and continue to be close.

         1. Possibly? My friend in this situation is so awesome and she has this whole wild bunch of friend groups – friends from her hometown, friends from the dot com boom, school friends.

   10. So my sister was the wife in this situation. She lots a lot of friends over it, at a time when she really needed friends. Fortunately a group of her closest girlfriends, some married, some single, gathered around her and supported her as she went through a divorce that didn’t need to be nasty but was (ex husband really, really wanted it to be her fault and wanted to punish her thoroughly). Only one of the other husbands in her former friend group stood up for her, which I found sadly telling.

       She’s remarried now and has new couple friends but the previous couple friends faded away.

   11. I don’t deal with my friends’ moral transgressions.

       If a friend asks me what I think of something they did or their partner did to them, I’ll answer, but I don’t police my friends.

       In the situation you describe, my reaction would depend on who I was primary friends with and my relationship to them. I might tell him OMG you’re an idiot, but if he’s the friend I care about the most, my question is “how are you going to manage this”, not “why are your morals bad”.

       1. This.

       2. +1.

4. I have a video interview coming up and need clothing advice. None of my suit jackets fit well right now. I have a solid color elbow sleeve sheath in a suiting fabric that I think would be okay for an in person interview but am worried the formal details will not show up on video and it will look like I’m just wearing a regular plain top. Should I go buy a new suit or blazer? I am a lawyer but haven’t had a need for a suit in years and don’t expect to in the future. Interview is on Monday so I have time to shop but not online.

   1. Buy a new jacket. You will feel so much more confident in something that fits well than making another option “work” for the interview. Co-signed, feeling weird all day because I deluded myself these pants still fit.

      1. +1 – buy a simple black jacket. Even a cheap one from Target since it’s via video.

         1. Major advantage of a video interview. An inexpensive blazer that fits will come across as formal.

   2. I would get a new blazer.

   3. I guess it depends how poorly they fit, but if they look ok through the shoulders I would just wear a jacket you already have. When you’re seated and on video they won’t be able to tell if it’s able to button or if it’s pulling a bit in the back or if the sleeves are a little too long or short.

   4. I would get something that fits–doesn’t need to be a full suit. And pay attention to your size in different brands. If you think you are likely to have follow-up interviews or other interviews, I would search for blazers on eBay.It is shocking how many great deals there are right now with so many folks working from home.

5. Oh man, this bag is GORGEOUS. If only I had the budget!

   1. Yes I love it.

6. I was the OP asking last week about resources to think about changes in career and life. Yesterday’s post suggests some books regarding careers but I would like to know opinions about resources (books, webs, whatever) othe corp have used in the past ( I have an old version of the What colour is your parachute? but not quite sure if it is for me).Someone recommended other book called “Finding your north star”a while ago. I’m in my 40’s and after one of my parents passing and some meh years at work I have to find out what I really want I life. Thanks!

   1. Try Designing Your Life.

7. 1) I like this bag!

   2) is anyone still reading dooce. She’s off the rails again….

   1. Omg, her post was truly shocking. She needs serious help. Depression, addiction, anorexia, and now she’s a TERF. Jfc.

      1. Her anorexia stuff was, like so pro-Ana. I was confused.

   2. What is she doing now? I haven’t thought about her in ages and never really read her regularly but I have a vague awareness of who she is from snark s1tes.

      1. TERFING, manically, today

      2. I’m in m0d but T E R F ing, manically. And extra sad because she has a non-b i n a r y kid

         1. Wow. I haven’t looked at her in years and only checked in every once in a while prior to that, but is she having a manic episode? That wasn’t even readable.

         2. That covers only a fraction of the craziness.

   3. No but please share!

      1. It’s dooce dot com. I don’t want to link it!

         She was the original mommy blogger. Her kids are my kids’ ages, approximately. I used to read her when we were all trying to figure it out.

   4. Wowwwzers. I somehow stumbled on Penelope Trunk yesterday and the rambling batshit crazy vibe is the same over there.

      And before you wonder based on the photos on site, PT IS cutting her own hair.

      1. She has been nuts from the get-go. Her advice – which I guess is her thing, thinking people need her advice – is also 100% garbage.

         1. Didn’t she guest post here once upon a time? Or am I making that up.

            1. I heard of her here; didn’t she make a crazy post long ago about her washing machine that Kat referenced once?

            2. I looked it up. It doesn’t look like she guest posted here, but Kat used to link to her bl0g on occasion. I definitely first heard about her here.

   5. What the heck did I just read with my own two eyes on Al Gore’s internet.

      1. That was my reaction

   6. Fortunately people are pushing back hard in the comments on her Insta page.

   7. What in the world did I just read?!

8. Ladies, talk to me about list apps. I need lists post chemo. I was operating on paper when I was very ill, but I move around too much for that to be practical any more. I honestly like Google Keep; I make a pile of checklists and archive as needed. But I’d like something with a bit more functionality — copy and paste being easier, easier to move things around in long lists. Maybe a little prettier. Any suggestions?

   1. Have you tried Any.do?

      1. I honestly haven’t tried anything else. I was hoping there was some magic single answer to save me trial and error, but it sounds like not quite

         1. I lived and died by Any.do in college and they’ve added some nifty features since then. You can move tasks between lists with ease, add subtasks, assign collaborators if the other person has an account, schedule tasks at certain times and then view your calendar with the tasks integrated…plenty more. I love it. And they’ve improved the interface so you can speed-enter tasks with time, the list you want them to appear on, etc from one place.

            There are also some paid features but I’ve always gotten along fine on the free version so I can’t tell you anything about them.

            1. Is it absurd that I needed it spelled out for me? Perhaps, but that sounds wonderful.

            2. Not at all – I totally get it!! Decision fatigue, etc – it’s easier sometimes to just hear about the whole process from someone else rather than do your own trial and error. :)

   2. I can’t make the move to electronic. I need lists and I need the physical action of writing the item down to really remember it. Typing doesn’t work for me.

   3. I like wunderlist and todoist, though I’ve gone the other way and moved to paper mostly.

      1. How do you keep track of your paper planner? It’s always downstairs in my office when I’m upstairs remembering in the bedroom.

         1. A combination of mostly using it for work stuff so it lives in my office and thats where I usually need it, and having a small one story house with the office essentially in the middle.

         2. I find I am more apt to carry my paper bu11et journal around the house than my phone, which gets plugged in to charge after I’m done working. You could also have two journals—a work one that lives in your home office and a personal one that lives upstairs.

   4. Check out Workflowy, Teuxdeux, and qlist.cc (I use all three for different things)

9. I like Beto, hope he wins, and I totally agree with what he said. But I know that if a female politician ever called someone a motherf-cker her campaign would instantly be toast and I hate the double standard.

   1. Same.

   2. Since Hillary was destined to lose anyway, I wish she had let loose with a string of m-fers.

   3. I think he really shot himself in the foot doing that. Sway-able Christians in Texas won’t like it.

      1. People seem to be eating it up. There are a few hot button issues where even many Republican voters don’t agree with their politicians and gun control is one of them. Keeping the narrative on school shootings is a win for Beto.

      2. Disagree. People like relatable politicians who aren’t scripted. It was Trump’s biggest strength and H. Clinton’s biggest weakness. Isn’t it everyone’s fantasy to lob the perfect f-bomb at a loudmouth jerkface? It’s like the flight attendant who quit his job by jumping down the escape slide with a couple of beers, after cursing out a rude passenger. Dude’s a hero.

         1. Relatable unscripted *male* politicians. Hilary wasn’t so scripted for fun. It was because she knew she had to be.

      3. You mean people who posit that they’re swayable but are always going to find *something* that makes them vote for the party that lets them stay bigoted? Sure.

   4. I’ve had the same thought about Bernie Sanders’ general presentation. No woman with disheveled, all-white hair and his scowl and speaking style could ever get as far as he has.

      1. Yeah exactly.

      2. That seriously pisses me off about him. I’m projecting a lot of my feelings about sexism onto him specifically, but I don’t care. Brush your damn hair, dude!

         1. It bugs me, too. And it doesn’t help that I will forever be mad at Bernie bros over the “but her emails” / general disinterest in supporting Hillary in the general in 2016.

   5. Disagree. . Gretchen Whitmer dropped one (accidently) in a hot mic incident and it didn’t seem to hurt her much.

      Whitmer-O’Rourke 2024, m*therf*ckers!

      1. Another contrary example is Rep. Tlaib who said “we’re gonna impeach the mfer”.

         1. Yeah but loads of people in her own party think she’s trash and anti-Semitic

10. I want to love this for a work bag, but the dimensions are so tiny. It wouldn’t even fit a laptop.

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