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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Gauze Smocked Ruffle-Neck Top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Need a few tops to get you through the dog days of summer? J.Crew Factory is the place to look. This ruffle-neck top is made of a gauzy material that feels lightweight and not stifling, and would layer nicely underneath a cardigan or blazer if you’re in an office where the thermostat is controlled by a man who insists on wearing a suit jacket all day, even in August. (Yes, this is based on my own experience, but I suspect I’m not alone.)

The top is $34.50 at J.Crew Factory and comes in sizes XXS–3X. In addition to the ivory pictured here, it comes in bronzed ochre, weathered rose, deep blue, and black.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

212 Comments

  1. Has anyone tried adding spirulina as a dietary supplement? A friend who is vegan started using the powder form and is finding it’s helping her recover from workouts (she said she buys at Whole Foods so this isn’t an MLM sales pitch). I am vegetarian and am always looking to improve my nutrition and workouts; I take both very seriously. I’ve read a lot about it online since our conversation and am interested. Looking for other people’s experiences.

    1. I remember reading about toxins and spirulina as similar research and decided that I did not want to eat spirulina.

      1. Everything I read said you definitely need to buy from a reputable retailer, which I try to do anyway, because it can contain heavy metals. Yikes.

    2. I tried adding it to a smoothie, and the taste was atrocious. Would love to hear recommendations on how to mask the flavor.

      1. I understand it also comes in tablets, but those have a lot of filler. So I was thinking about the powder as well. Thanks for this information.

    4. What’s an alternative to Rainbow sandals? Im an intense loyalist but desperately need a new pair and won’t break them in in time for my vacation next week. Any comfy sandals for resort strolling I can wear? Bonus if I can buy them on Amazon.

  2. Any tips for how to train yourself to sleep in a different position? I’m a side sleeper but would like to train myself to sleep on my back because I keep messing up my shoulder.

    1. Yoga loosens me up and makes it easier for me to get comfortable in something besides my “usual” sleep positions.

    2. Oh hi, me. My physical therapist says it’s terribly hard to retrain sleep positions. She has instead recommended a high pillow to keep my shoulder not compressed and a number of exercises to strengthen my back and get my traps to release. The pillow I use helped almost immediately. It’s memory foam with a curved indent for the head (looks like a stylized I from the bottom and top), and I mostly stay on it.

          1. I use a similar pillow and it has been really helpful to support my neck while sleeping and to encourage more back sleeping (my default is side).

    3. I hope there’s an answer. I sleep on my side, arm under my pillow and up over my head. It hurts my shoulder. Makes my arm numb. Knots up my neck. Yet here I am, seemingly unable to change a lifelong habit.

    4. The only way I can sleep on my back is with my head propped up on a wedge pillow or a huge pile of pillows.

    5. I like to have a variety of down pillows in different heights, and change it up, but getting a better mattress and mattress topper made all the difference. I have a medium firm continental mattress, and super soft and thick topper.

    9. Omg congratulations :):). Here’s hoping for health for you and baby and not too extreme of a case of the “joys” of pregnancy. Yayayay!!!

  4. Since this pick is from J. Crew Factory I thought I’d mention that I’ve bought quite a few things there recently and have been really happy with them, AND they have extended sizing. Regular J. Crew is so freaking expensive these days (at least for me in Canadian dollars) and Factory has nearly identical things at better prices.

    1. +1 Yes! There and BR Factory have been goldmines for workwear, IMO. Haven’t found anything at BR of J. Crew proper that I even like, in contrast. Loft seems to have jumped the shark (used to be a reliable place for tops.)

    3. Totally agree! FYI, I got the featured top in pink and the fabric looks really casual in person, sort of a linen-y basketweave. I like the clip dot top for under a blazer a lot.

    5. I love JCF, but have to note that I just got this top in black, and it is SO cute and soft, but the arm holes are super big and gappy. I think I can make it work with a black bra (ie if my bra is visible in the gaps it will blend in and hopefully not be noticeable), but had planned to order more colors and am not going to now. I’m so sad. Shout out to the rest of their clothes, though, especially the school boy blazers. Just got the new blue herringbone one and it’s perfect.

      1. Vanity sizing is out of control at JCF on some things lately, but as long as I stick to items with reviews and believe what people say about the sizing, my recent fines have all been fantastic.

    6. So with Banana Republic Factory, quality is often worse and cotton shows wear much faster. Is the same true for JCrew Factory? Or are you truly finding not only cut but durability to be similar?

    7. I love j crew factory! All my 2021 and 2022 clothes purchase are from there. I got tons of cuter dresses and cover ups for beach vacations and practical shorts, t-shirts and sweaters.

  5. What’s the trick to pairing a fun and feminine shirt like this with a blazer? Every time I try, it looks wrong.

    1. I find these types of blouses really only work with collarless blazers, like the JCrew going out blazer. When the elizabethean collar blouses were all the rage in the 2010s I could only wear them with a cardigan (belted, natch!) or a collarless blazer, anything with lapels just looked odd.

      1. +1, I have a very similar blouse from JCrew I bought years ago and love pairing with the going out blazer.

    2. the textures of the blouse and the blazer need to match in visual weight.
      so ….if this is a casual fabric it would be perhaps a pinwale corduroy, gentle linen or lightweight denim blazer

      If blouse is of a dressier fabric then a smooth fabric blazer would be appropriate

    3. For me? Collarless blazer is the key. When I try to do a shirt with more volume with a blazer with a collar, it somehow doesn’t lay right and is too lumpy.

      What works with a blazer with a collar is to have a shirt with a neck and shoulders that don’t add bulk/bunching below the jacket and detail focused on the yoke and front.

    4. Getting your eye to adjust. It won’t work if you’re going traditional business, but it will if you view your pieces as fun and mix it up more.

    5. I don’t think a sleeveless shirt with ruffles like this is going to fit well under a blazer.

  6. Anyone have recommendations for a company (or firm?) to help design and build an addition on a house? I think this project needs far more than a contractor. In the Fort Worth, tx area.
    I’ve done remodels but adding on rooms is many steps beyond my experience. I’m wondering if readers have recommendations or other information regarding additions. House is two story and the addition in theory would be an up and downstairs affair. I think designers with some structural engineering or architecture background would be necessary. I have no idea where to find them.

    1. Google “residential architect Fort Worth” and look at their websites. Most firms post built projects on their websites so you can get a feel for their work..

    2. Neighbors did this and used Elite Remodeling. It’s on the Dallas side of town though; if they don’t work Fort Worth maybe they can recommend someone.

      1. My parents in Dallas used an architect named Mike Malone. They got the referral from a neighbor. Both my parents and the neighbor were very happy with his drawings, ideas, and the contractors he recommended.

    3. No recommendations on Texas. However, I strongly recommend that you start with an architect. There are “design build” firms who will do both, but generally they will just contract out to an architect as needed. We found working directly with an architect first helped us decide how much space we actually needed to add, which will determine how much you’ll spend. Architects will pull in engineers as necessary to ensure plans are structurally sound. Our architect also helped us find a reputable builder and bid out the plans so we knew how much we were signing up for based on our design plans. Architects are also great at maximizing spaces.

      I am not an architect and have never used one before this project but would not approach it differently if we do it again.

      1. Yes, we used an architect on our recent project and I’m very happy we did.

  7. I’m going outdoor rock climbing next week. I’ve only ever been at the gym, where I usually wear leggings. The email from the climbing company strongly suggests long pants, but it’s going to be hot. My choices are leggings (hot, easier to maneuver in) or looser hiking pants from Athleta (cooler, more possibility of getting caught on something/less maneuverable). Any climbers out there who can tell me which to wear (or suggest something else)?

    2. I’ve only been climbing outdoors once but it was during a heat wave and was 100 degrees out. I wore bike shorts and they were perfect. My legs didn’t get beat up by the rock (this was in the Gunks). If anything I was more careful about foot placement than I am in the gym when I’m constantly banging into things.

      That said, if you want to follow the instructions of the company I would wear the hiking pants. Honestly either one will be fine though. I saw people wearing leggings, hiking pants and bike shorts. The only thing I would avoid would be loose shorts that will bunch up in the harness. You could also check out the Instagram geotag of where you’re going to get an idea of what people typically wear.

      Have fun!! Climbing outside is super fun and totally different from climbing in the gym.

    3. My teenager is on an indoor climbing team and only climbs in hiking pants. As long as they aren’t so long and baggy that they get caught on your feet, they should be fine.

    6. How thick are the hiking pants, and how well can you maneuver in them? Leggings are fine but real rock is rougher than gym walls so they might get scraped/scuzzed up. I wouldn’t wear shorts unless you don’t mind getting scraped up yourself. For hot weather outdoor climbing (I’ve done quite a bit) I like the Mountain Hardware Dynama capris. I love this line, I own multiple pairs in each of the shorts, capris, and pants – great to move in, fabric is tough enough, super comfortable, also great for the gym. I also have some Boulder Denim jeans (great when colder), Prana Halle pants (stretchy, also great for cooler weather) and Athleta Trekkie hybrid crops (great for rougher rock).

    7. Can you wear pants and bring shorts? I’m sure you don’t want to change in front of others but it’s probably not a crowded location.

    8. I’ve worn leggings and shorts. I don’t think you need to buy anything new, leggings are totally fine. If you’re climbing on granite or in an area with poison ivy don’t wear shorts but otherwise I’ve never noticed a difference.

  8. I’m feeling lazy but have 1.25 lbs of chicken thighs I need to cook. WWYD? No time for slow cooker. Instant Pot is an option. Thanks all!

    1. If they’re boneless, I like to put them in any marinade, and then put them on a foil lined sheet pan under the broiler. 8-10 minutes/side and it’s a super easy dinner.

      1. Marinate in soy, lime juice, honey or brown sugar, a little sesame oil and lots of ground pepper. Bake in the marinade and serve with rice and green salad. Yummy leftovers, too.

    2. Arroz con pollo in the instant pot would be my first thought, but if you’re me and eat spicy curry year round, I’d make chicken curry in the instant pot.

    3. Salsa chicken – tons of recipes online (basically chicken thighs + salsa in IP), and as boring as it is it never fails to satisfy. I like adding some black or pinto beans at the end.

    4. NYTimes miso chicken thighs. It’s my husband and I’s go to. Just butter, miso, rice vinegar and honey but it caramelizes in the oven and is sooo good.

    5. If skinless/boneless, I would do a cheesy, white chili (if I had the ingredients on hand — salsa verde or canned or frozen chiles, onion, cream cheese and/or cheddar).

      If skin-on, bone-in, then I would do stovetop coq au vin (assuming basic ingredients like onion, celery, carrots are on hand, and wine).

      If that takes too long, then I would use generic chicken seasonings (paprika, garlic) and convection bake so the skin is crispy.

    6. Can you grind them? I grind chicken thighs on the grinder attachment to my KA stand mixer. Quickest thing I cook with them (although any chicken meatball recipe works) is a stir fry from Salt and Lavender. It’s yummy and flexible enough to not require a trip to the store if you have ANY stir-fryable veggies on hand.

    9. Chicken thighs are easy to bake. Cook them at 375 for about 25 minutes, flipping halfway through. I like a heavy dose of Greek seasoning (garlic powder, oregano, thyme) then serve with halved cherry tomatoes, red onion, feta, and olives. Drizzle everything with red wine vinegar or a squeeze of lemon.

    10. D@mn delicious cilantro lime chicken. If you don’t want to grill, bake it on a sheet pan at 425 degrees for 25 minutes. Cut up and use as taco filling or for burrito bowls.

    12. I worked for a caterer a billion years ago and learned my go-to chicken marinade: lemon juice, salt, cumin, and garlic (works with fresh chopped or garlic powder). Let them marinate for at least and hour and up to 6 hours, then dry off a little and grill or saute.

        1. No oil in the marinade. If you saute, then a little olive oil. It’s really good! Use a lot of cumin.

    13. Oven at 400. Spray Pam on a baking sheet. Lay thighs on baking sheet. Sprinkle with salt or your choice of seasoning. Bake 25 minutes. Fin.

  9. I have a black tie event in October – the climate is forecast to be in the 60s (on the Mediterranean). What should I be looking for for a topper? I have a tulle wrap but am worried that I will freeze. Dress is the Aqua embroidered lace gown in black/nude – will link. TIA!

      1. This dress is gorgeous and not too expensive. i don’t have an occasion to wear it to but i just want to buy it

    2. Rent the runway has a cute faux-fur cape. I’d go for something like that. Maybe a fancy leather jacket.

    3. No recommendations, but please tell me what amazing thing you do that is taking you to a black tie event on the Mediterranean.

        1. Right? We’re all gonna be living vicariously through you.

          Maybe an off-the-wall suggestion, but what about an oversized blazer?

    4. I’d want something with more weight/shape than a wrap. I find it annoying to have to keep a wrap in place. I’d go for a coat/jacket something like this:

      Heavier:
      https://www.phase-eight.com/row/product/amalie-velvet-cape-jacket-90091805004.html?istCompanyId=53071dba-d7b7-4533-8ab5-1aa249780fe7&istFeedId=f7246a5f-8a2d-4eea-a952-7df9aabde001&istItemId=pxlwpqtrt&istBid=t&gclid=CjwKCAjw9NeXBhAMEiwAbaY4lnX1ZmpTKsO-L6smNo152srkuFWtPlVelx1gc-DGOXLAqTlOPtBSrxoCSwYQAvD_BwE

      Lighter:
      https://www.nordstrom.com/s/alex-evenings-hanky-bolero-cardigan/3718433?color=BLACK&utm_content=9383769113&utm_term=aud-944257668433:pla-316456057893&utm_channel=low_nd_shopping_standard&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=645528200&adpos=&creative=57188931473&device=c&matchtype=&network=g&acctid=21700000001689570&dskeywordid=92700049882385600&lid=92700049882385600&ds_s_kwgid=58700005465915029&ds_s_inventory_feed_id=97700000007631122&dsproductgroupid=316456057893&product_id=58520109&merchid=1243147&prodctry=US&prodlang=en&channel=online&storeid=&locationid=9008184&targetid=aud-944257668433:pla-316456057893&campaignid=645528200&adgroupid=9383769113&gclid=CjwKCAjw9NeXBhAMEiwAbaY4lrsQbvJSYa1ZxkSe9mx1xuW9XxCf86n5G5rxb4NNtVuVIcXm0q2ioRoC4V4QAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

    5. That’s gorgeous. I agree with maybe some sort of cape. Or I feel like black tie might be the one time you could actually wear evening opera length gloves and I think they’re kind of a thing again? Combine some silk opera gloves with a tulle wrap and it would probably be warm enough, but it’s definitely A Look.

    6. What about a faux fur or velvet evening capelet/bolero/stole? I’m think of something that hugs across your shoulders, leaves your neck and upper décolleté bare, and preferably has a tie or fastening so you don’t have to fuss with it to keep it in place.

    7. Fur, silk or cashmere. Tulle is nowhere near warm enough for 15 Celcius! And in October the sun will be down early, you need proper warmth.

    8. How much of the event is outdoors? If the entire event is outdoors, I might consider an oversized blazer like a previous poster mentioned. That being said, it would hide a lot of the dress, so now I am second guessing! If it is just cocktails and mingling outdoors with dinner (or the biggest chunk of the event) inside, I think you could get away with a cashmere wrap or something similar.

  10. Ugh I work with someone who I feel like has an annoying habit of doing basically nothing and getting a lot of credit. (I wish I had that skill!) She drafted something and sent it to me for revision (this is part of my job). Her work was sloppy and poorly written and I heavily revised it, sent it back and she used it as a template for similar documents and sent the full set of documents to a broader group asking for edits. Now everyone is praising the drafting and telling her she did a really nice job with it, when it’s essentially my work. Is there any way to communicate this to everyone without looking super petty? I know it doesn’t really matter

    1. Don’t do her work for her. You should have told her what the edits were but not done it yourself, not given her a template to do this with.

      Personally, I’d mention to a few folks that “oh this version looks so much smoother than the first one I saw” but that is definitely petty.

      1. Huh? Wow. It is her job to revise/edit. If you called me and listed edits instead of redlining something I would fire you on the spot for being lazy, not doing your job, and wasting my time. That said, the OP should be getting credit for her contribution – from the beginning and also when praise is given.

        1. Chillax. I missed the part where it was part of her job, but also if I used someone else’s edits this heavily I would give them credit or thank them publicly.

    3. So you edited ONE document, which she then used as a template to draft several more? You sound very petty because all of the other documents she drafted are Infact her work. Yikes

      1. It’s like copy and paste names and dates (some of which she got wrong!) 90% of the words in all documents are mine.

    4. This is petty, but I would just be too busy to do the same thing for her again. If her future documents look like her first draft, everyone will catch on eventually.

      2. Except OP said editing the team’s documents is part of her job, so I don’t think saying she won’t do this in the future is really possible.

        And OP, if editing people’s work is part of your job, and they then take that work and do further projects using it, I’m not really seeing the issue. You get visibility with the clients for your work, i.e., the people you’re doing the editing for. If the point is that you make documents look good before they go to a larger audience, that larger audience shouldn’t see that churn.

        It’s also not realistic to expect your coworker to say, in her email asking for feedback, “Attached for your feedback please find XYZ documents, which Jane heavily edited the template for.” How would you have expected your coworker to appropriately credit you in this situation?

        1. I disagree! If a colleague basically wrote a document and I was getting emails with all this praise, I would absolutely say, “Well, big thanks to Jane who did a lot of work editing this and making sure it was just right! I couldn’t have done it without her.” You don’t have to say your draft was horrible but I think acknowledgement is appropriate here.

          1. I hear you. I think without more info it’s hard to say. For example, did the coworker pull together information for the doc, or create the concept for the doc, or decide what to include, but then just express the contents poorly? I.e., were OP’s changes substantive or stylistic?

            Also, what’s the nature of the praise? OP says they’re telling the coworker “nice job.” That could mean, oh these are really well written (which was in part OP’s doing). Or it could mean, these docs will be really useful to the team. Or, thank you for leading the effort to create these docs. Or, Coworker you were assigned the task to get these documents created, and you have done a good job doing so (including getting editing input from the editing SME). The latter three of which would all be appropriate comments for Coworker to accept without deferring/sharing credit to OP.

          2. I rewrote an entire document for her (e.g., a contract between A and B), then she created identical documents and filled in new names, dates, places, etc. to make contracts between C and D, E and F and so on. (This is not inappropriate – the contracts are all supposed to be essentially identical). The feedback is basically “this is very well drafted, but you spelled C wrong” so essentially the mistakes are hers and what they’re praising is mine. But even if it weren’t too petty I wouldn’t want to say something like “my edits are already incorporated” because obviously I would have caught the mistakes in the C&D contract when editing.

        2. Correct, this is part of my job and I can’t decline to do it.

          This email was to internal higher-ups, not external clients. It actually is common practice in my workplace for a co-worker to send something to higher-ups with a note like “Attached is the XYZ I drafted, which already incorporates Anon’s edits” or even “attached is the XYZ that Anon and I drafted.” It’s also quite common for people to ask me to send things directly to higher-ups after editing them, in which case I also include a note similar to above mentioning both me and the original author. This is actually the first time something I’ve been so heavily involved in has gone to higher-ups without any acknowledgement that I was involved.

          Probably the real issue, which is admittedly not my co-workers fault, is that one of the higher-ups in question intensely dislikes me and my work and never misses an opportunity to criticize me. I’m 99.9% sure he would not have praised this document if he knew I essentially wrote it. So it stings to be finally getting praise for something I wrote only because it doesn’t have my name on it. But again, not my co-worker’s fault, I know.

          1. Gotcha. That does sound like Coworker was out of line with company practice. One potential idea to circumvent this in the future (though Coworker could decide to ignore it) is to include a note when you send edits back to her with something like, “When you send this on to the next set of reviewers, please let them know that I’ve already reviewed and revised for their awareness.” There is a good process reason for doing this (you’re an internal resource for editing and Coworker should be conferring with you on docs like this, so this makes it clear that Coworker has followed the process), and it also ensures that you get due credit.

          2. Or coworker could have known that attaching your name would likely result in criticism so she left you out of it.

          3. I totally get it. People who coast on the work of other people and don’t share credit are a pain to deal with and after decades in the workforce, including in executive leadership, I never figured out how to successfully manage those folks other than just being myself and trying not to let it get me down.

            The people who know you and recognize your value will continue to do so, and the dude you’re talking about will probably continue to use your skills to advance his career. It sucks. Strengthen your relationships with the higher-ups who are the type of people you prefer, and hopefully they’re the ones that will hold power in the long run. And know that he’s a jerk.

    5. If people know it is your job to review her work, then I think you will look bad if you do a crappy job next time. You could offer big picture edits rather than line edits as a way for her to learn to improve her writing herself.

      Ideally, she would send the draft to the broader group with a line like, “with thanks to Anon for her revisions” or “This incorporates Anon’s edits.” Both framings have been common in my law firm world, and it’s a nice way to give credit and signal to higher ups that the final doc has Anon’s buy-in. But I don’t see a graceful way to ask her to do it.

      1. Yup, “this already incorporates Anon’s edits, please let me know if you have further edits” is standard framing in my workplace as well and is what. Of course I don’t expect her to go on and on about how awful it was before and how much better I made it, but zero acknowledgement that I was involved is not normal in my workplace.

        1. If you’re copied on the broader group emails, you could always follow up with a note confirming that you have already reviewed and revised when you see her version circulate. Like, “Thanks for circulating Jane. Team – I have reviewed and these incorporate my prior edits to the X contract, so [Anon dept] is signed off” plus point out any typos or errors you see.

          That said, sometimes we work in the unsung departments. People notice when we screw up but not when we do our jobs well! I would try not to hold onto this stuff if only for your own happiness at work.

  11. So, six+ months in with a lovely guy from Hinge, and…… I think I might need to call it a day. He’s lovely and I really enjoy hanging out with him, but… while I can feel myself falling, he shows absolutely no inclination to go beyond ‘having fun hanging out’. A couple of months ago I asked how he felt about the fact that I’ve started to think of him as my boyfriend (hoping he’d be like ‘well duh’) and he was really reticent about it.

    Weekend before last I explicitly said to him “look, I can’t do ‘fun hanging out’ forever, I’m looking for my happy ever after here… you don’t have to tell me your response to that right now but I need to know soon” and when I asked him earlier this week if he’d had a chance to think about it he said he hadn’t. And I kind of feel like ‘no answer’ is itself an answer? I will have a big chat with him this weekend but… kind of resigned to this having been a really fun half-a-year, and not the start of the rest of my life.

    1. Bye boy bye. I’m sorry, this sucks, but you have given him multiple opportunities to step up to your plate ans he absolutely wants to stay at his plate. You want different things and this is not a match. Dating sucks. Hugs.

    2. Yep, it’s time to move on. I’m sorry. I think this is a d!ck move on the guy’s part.

    3. Just call it. You have raised the topic several times. If he were worried about losing you, he would have responded with something other than a blank look. You deserve someone who is excited to be with you, who does not want to lose you, and who is working at the same type of relationship that you are. Hugs.

    7. Yep, and do it now so you feel powerful having made the right choice and not dumped. Because you are awesome and you deserve someone over the moon for you.

    8. His saying “I haven’t had a chance to think about it” after you’d told him where you stood, meant he doesn’t care and isn’t even pretending. I’m so sorry, and have been in this position myself. Do not put yourself through any big conversation this weekend. Cancel your remaining plans and start your process of healing and moving on.

      1. I think ‘big conversation’ really means having the decency to end it in person – and as anon at 10.59 says at a time of my choosing – and being able to give him back the things of his that are in my apartment at the same time (just pajamas).

    9. I posted above and want to add that there is no need for a big talk this weekend. You will just feel humiliated and degraded by speaking into a void. Basically, you just say that you have determined that the relationship is not meeting your needs, and move on. Do not ask him what he wants, try to get him to explain. His actions have already spoken, and you need to act for yourself.

      2. +1. You can’t monologue someone into being with you or make them share their thought process on why you’re not the right person. His actions have shown you what he wants so end things in a way that puts yourself first – ‘I’ve enjoyed our time together but I’m looking for a serious relationship, and you aren’t’ wish him well, don’t get sucked into goodbye s*x and get out.

      3. Agree with this. I can’t really imagine what good a big conversation would do at this oint.

      4. OP listen to this. Do not have the big talk and let him break up with you. Break up with him now. This is not the guy for you. You don’t want a guy who is like “oh, boyfriend? I guess I’ll think about it” and then doesn’t think about it. This is not a guy who is mad about you, and you deserve someone who is mad about you.

        This guy has been “hanging out” with you for six months and wasting your time. You owe him nothing. Break up today.

        1. I can’t do it today – he’s busy tonight and I don’t want to do it over the phone. You’re right though, writing it out has made the answer more obvious to me. It needs to be a short conversation and a goodbye.

          1. Why not though? He isn’t your boyfriend. You can be nice about it on the phone and then offer to drop his stuff by.

          4. If he’s not your boyfriend, then a phone breakup is okay, right? Okay boyfriends/girlfriends require in-person breakups.

    10. You have to end this. I just had to end things with my 6+ months hinge guy too, so I get it :(

    11. Have you agreed to be exclusive? If not, and given that you enjoy his company, I’d be inclined to keep him around and start dating other people, too, so that you don’t jump too fast into the next thing. Having the fallback can help you focus on making the next right move, IME.

      1. This is a bad idea. She said she’s falling for him, she should just cut ties completely.

    12. Thanks everyone. I’ve fallen into the trap where because I don’t want kids I’ve acted like there’s no rush at all, but actually, I do still want my happy ever after. Not looking forward to ending it but it has to be done.

      1. Oh hi me! I’ve commented before but this is a huge trap for the childfree by choice and heavily value independence types. Took me too long to realize you can have both of those in a great relationship.

        1. I think I’m learning that now. Weirdly glad to hear that it’s not just me who had to learn it the hard way

        3. Same. Married in my mid-30s. Wasn’t in a rush because wasn’t looking to have kids and loved my independence. We have separate hobbies and rarely spend weekends together as we pursue our own interests. Both super happy in our marriage.

          1. I’m late 20s in a similar situation. We have a great home life and are very happy overall but have little overlap in our outside-the-house interests, and sometimes wonder if that will get in the way someday… So really nice to hear that it’s worked out for others.

    13. You’ve brought up commitment three times, which is two more than you really should have. It was time to end it months (!) ago when you told him you thought of him as your BF and he was all meh about it. All you’ve done since then is hurt yourself more by becoming increasingly invested in a guy who will never meet your needs. I KNOW how these things feel so much different from the inside, I’m not saying this to criticize you, but if you were your friend you’d be rolling your eyes at you for continuing to see this guy.

      And also he is not a lovely person – nice people don’t lead people on. Nice people don’t continue to spend time with, sleep with, leave their things at someone’s house, for months after that person said I want to be your GF and they don’t feel the same way. Decent, respectful people break it off. Heck I knew that in high school, this isn’t even a maturity thing it’s a d-bag thing. Good riddance.

      1. Amen to the second paragraph. A truly nice guy would have broken it off when it was clear you weren’t aligned on what you each wanted out of this. Why do we have these basement rock bottom standards for men?!?!?

        1. He keeps telling me my standards are too low when I tell him how much I appreciate that he’s really nice to me. Maybe I should have believed him the first time. (Lots of self esteem issues in the past meant that I just didn’t see myself as dateable for most of my 20s, so I haven’t got tonnes of experience)

          1. I feel ya. I mean my core believe about myself that I am currently working on with my therapist is that I don’t think I am worthy of being loved, but I am also somehow very clear about getting what I need from a commitment/exclusivity perspective EARLY. So I have more time to be anxious about being dumped at any sign of, well, anything, naturally. (Cry, lol, cry emojis). Hugs!

      2. +1 to this second paragraph.

        OP, you have given him multiple opportunities, with grace, to step up. He hasn’t. You’re a thoughtful, considerate person who is aware of what she needs. He isn’t. Hugs. Dating is hard. And it only seems to get harder, even when you yourself get better and more targeted on what you want.

        NOT the same thing, nor the same gravity, but this reminds me of a few instances. Sharing to commiserate and let you know you’re not alone:
        – I asked someone I REALLY liked to come to a thing with me, and his answer was like “let me check my schedule”, and then I had to FOLLOW UP with him like his project manager to hear a long-winded “no”
        – Then there was the time I REALLY liked someone else, was getting mixed signals (we’d hook up after spending booze-soaked nights talking about other people we were seeing), so I finally told him “You know I like you, right?” and his answer was…”I know”, and then he just moved on in the conversation.

        Sometimes in heteronormative situations the whole “He’s just not that into you” actually applies…

        1. I’ve started telling myself “if he wanted to he would” over “he’s just not that into you” – partly because it’s easier on my ego but also because sometimes a guy acts really into you but “needs time” or “isn’t a good texter” or any number of excuses we want to believe when we’re really into someone. It’s helpful to remember that he is physically capable of doing the thing, he isn’t doing it because it isn’t a priority to him. It also low key reminds me to do the thing if I’m interested in someone because otherwise they’ll think I’m not into them!

      3. Agree, he sounds like a jackass not a lovely person. He’s not a monster for not wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, but he’s been really leading you on and avoiding telling you the truth.

    14. 6+ months? Omg don’t waste your time on a big long drawn out conversation. Call him around 6pm tonight and end things. Make plans with your girlfriends this weekend. This guy doesn’t even sound like a mature college kid!!

        1. Honestly even a text is fine for someone who can’t bother to even think about your needs after you’ve been vulnerable and stated them. Text could say “I don’t think this is going anywhere” and then state where you’re leaving his belongings and when. I strongly agree on not getting dragged into anything emotional or physical at the goodbye, which is a good reason not to see him at all.

      2. This. I wouldn’t waste time in person either. Get online and book a date with someone else instead. Worst case it’s a crappy date, best you have an awesome story of how you met.

    16. Cut your loses now. Not quite the same situation, but I recently go out of a 2 and a half year relationship where there were signs from the start that he may not be able to give me what I wanted long-term. I’m really hurting now and really wish I had ended it 2+ years ago.

    18. Seconding what everyone else is saying. Don’t “break up” in person. He’s not your boyfriend and has been willfully unaware of your needs or feelings. Send a quick text or do it over the phone.

      IMO, usually people set up big conversations to end things so that they can still see the person again and engage more. You already have your answer, he’s not going to change, there’s no reason to do it in person except to prolong the whole dynamic.

      1. “IMO, usually people set up big conversations to end things so that they can still see the person again and engage more.”

        This, this, this. OR the “big conversation” is really about “let me try to talk you into loving me the way I want to be loved.” In OP’s case, she wants something this guy either cannot or does not want to give. Life isn’t a rom-com where someone makes a big impassioned speech on their way out the door and then the other person changes their whole mind about commitment and the two people kiss and the next cut is to a scene at their wedding. OP wants a boyfriend. Dude does not want to be OP’s boyfriend. So now they’re just wasting each other’s time. I would send a text like “It’s been fun hanging out with you, but I think it’s clear we’re each looking for different things in our lives and I want to be able to focus on finding someone who is interested in a longer-term commitment. I wish you all the best, thanks!” And then I would not expect a response beyond “K.”

  12. Yankees -/ talk to me about Vermont Country Store. I feel like I could shop it to recreate my southern-on-a-farm-shopped-at-Montgomery-Ward late grandparents’ soft goods, pantry, and vanity top items all fresh for 2022 and with no mustiness. Is that what people do with the catalog — nostalgia shop? I am getting the catalogs since I’ve ordered some items for older relatives from there , but read it cover to cover when I was on an iPhone fast and now have Questions (color changing lipsticks — maybe I need? Chenille bedspreads would be so comforting — like visiting Nana, but maybe not a decorator-approved choice).

    1. My sisters and I all love that catalog, and frequently text each other pictures of things that remind us of Mom or Grams. I don’t think (hopefully) that any of us actually buy things from there (there is one semi-horder sister) but use it to spark memories.

      Now those French cream daisies …

    3. If “retro grandparents’ farm” is your vibe, go for it. Enjoy your chenille bedspread!

      I confess I find their catalog fun to flip through, but I’ve never ordered from them. Fwiw, I was born in the 80s and remember color changing lipsticks – they were big around the time of the mood ring renaissance 😉

      1. I think “retro Grandpa farm” is the natural successor to “coastal Grandma” so you might be ahead of the trends here!

    4. I always buy candy for Christmas stockings from there! They actually have some very cute Christmas decorations too.

    5. What’s the question? Are you asking the country bumpkins if there is anything cool enough for you to order?

    6. For some reason I was getting the ads on FB for a while (probably because I was looking for a cotton-half slip). Al Gore’s Rhythm was showing me some of the frumpiest clothing I’d ever seen online, as well as some preppy stuff I’d definitely wear as a middle-aged mom. Some of it reminds me (in a good way) of stuff like Lanz of Salzburg and Charter Club/Macys stuff in the 1990s. Some of it reminds me of Ann (who?) on Arrested Development and/or Nikki Henrickson on Big Love.

      1. “Al Gore’s Rhythm” is I suppose the autocorrect algorithm making a mess out of “algorithm” and I am dying laughing at the idea of Al Gore’s rhythm! Especially since I picture him doing very dad dance moves

        1. I can’t take credit – it’s from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt:

          “You know how Al Gore invented the internet?” Titus asks Kimmy, referring to the infamous flub in which the former Vice President seemingly misspoke in an interview. “Well, he also invented a rhythm for it. It’s a powerful rhythm. It’s called the Al-Gore-rhythm.”

  13. Design question du jour: examples of open concept kitchens done right. Kitchen opens to a den for TV watching. Currently has 3-seater couch from old place and the largest size ruggable and a TV but feels too empty. And yet with the kitchen with large island, there doesn’t seem to be enough space to put comfy-enough plush chairs (and who wants to sit in an austere wood chair that numbs your butt). Need proportion and design inspiration. In the meantime, I have to set my drink on the floor. :(. IMO room is too deep (going from TV) and lot long enough to properly furnish. Why can’t houses be like in Minecraft???

    1. Buy yourself some stand alone drink tables. I mentioned this on the thread yesterday, but I’m a big fan of Ballard’s podcast and they talk about single drink tables all the time. I have two of the Harmon martini tables and I love them (note — you can find these exact same tables on Amazon as a 2-pack for the same price. I ordered them and they were almost identical, but lighter weight. So if you have a kid-free, pet-free household or it’s a lower traffic area, those would really do the trick. For me, I was worried about them tipping so returned them). For a long and narrow room, you just really need to do space planning and figure out what will fit. A 3-seater couch is likely too large and overwhelming. Consider a tightback couch (less depth than cushion backed) that’s less than 72″. I have a long narrow living room and literally, I had to get a 64″ tightback loveseat and it looks like a full-sized couch with the scale of the room (and it can very comfortably sit 2, 3 in a pinch). I also have swivel chairs, but they’re NARROW – narrow narrow arms (I think 29″ across which is not a lot). Just get into space planning and see what scale you really need for that kind of space.

      1. I love little tables. I’ve posted before that when I got divorced and my ex husband took all the furniture and I had to start over, my free designer lady at Ethan Allen insisted I order some little tables, something I’d never had before. Those two little tables were and are the most used, handy things in my house for the last 20+ years.

    2. You can find armchairs with a smaller footprint (wayfair and sites like that let you search by dimension). Definitely add a coffee table and a couple of side tables – we have a tiered side table that’s coming in clutch in a small space. Maybe swap the 3-seater sofa for a loveseat?

    3. I agree with the smaller tables. I have 3 drink stands from West Elm and use them considerably. I have a couch with a chaise on one end because another chair made the traffic flow awkward. Have you considered that? if I have people over, someone can easily perch on the end for conversation, and it makes the best book reading spot. I have a bench instead of a coffee table in my loft — the scale is nice, as it is as long as the sofa, but it mimics the long, narrow line of the space. It works for drinks and for putting your feet up as well.

    4. For a place to put your drink that is not a table (although I agree with the suggest to get one or two tables), you might try a sofa arm tray. I got the first one linked below recently; it all but blends into by dark charcoal couch and it works great. SO says I will never be able to get him off the couch now …

      1. This one works very well on my flat-arm sofa:

        https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B083Q51RX9?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details&th=1

        There are a lot of others that work on differently shaped arms, e.g.:
        https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B08KXNVQV1/ref=sspa_dk_detail_0?pd_rd_i=B09KSVWYKV&pd_rd_w=gip28&content-id=amzn1.sym.3481f441-61ac-4028-9c1a-7f9ce8ec50c5&pf_rd_p=3481f441-61ac-4028-9c1a-7f9ce8ec50c5&pf_rd_r=TF49BJYB0YZYR7M9G70Q&pd_rd_wg=gqkUp&pd_rd_r=6a3e305c-9422-46a5-a9b5-61b14059ec46&s=kitchen&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9kZXRhaWxfdGhlbWF0aWM&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzNUg0Uk5ZR1RZSTVRJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMjk0NDkyMVU2QVNHSkRQSVMyNCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwNTEyNzAzMU5CUjY1S1JKSDY2TCZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2RldGFpbF90aGVtYXRpYyZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU&th=1

  14. Talk me out of (or into) the Waverley from Lo & Sons.

    Purses and I don’t usually get along, but women’s pockets are abysmal and I am intrigued that this one can be worn as a belt bag. I like that it looks more polished than the athleisure fanny pack I have been using, and that it has enough depth to hold my clunky key fob and sunglasses without bulging out.

    1. I ordered and returned it. The shape is weird and inefficient. It’s too flat to hold sunglasses, and it’s really wide for a belt bag. Plus that it looks really cheap in person.

    2. I’ve had this for a couple years! It’s an awkward size. Too big to wear as a belt bag and too small to fit much in it unfortunately. I wouldn’t recommend.

    3. I like the Waverley 2 and am thinking about getting another. The size forces me to travel lightly. I’ve worn as a belt bag getting groceries and appreciate the hands free.

    5. Hmm, much more mixed than I expected, and very helpful to know the quality isn’t there.

      Does anyone know of a similar leather belt style bag that is better quality and still able to hold a pair of sunglasses, a ring of keys, phone, and wallet? I love hands-free and dislike shoulder bags. I’m also not sold on carrying a crossbody all them so the flexibility to switch to a belt is what drew me to the Waverley.

  15. Should I apply for a new opening in my department? I am arguably qualified but when I asked my boss’s boss if he had anybody in mind for the new role, he specifically said somebody from outside the company who has way more experience than me. He clearly wants somebody who could really hit the ground running in this area, whereas I have some experience in the area and know a ton about the company but would take a bit of time to get up and running in this new role. Would it look tone deaf to apply anyway?

    1. I’m really curious about what other people have to say about this! My initial thought was no, you should not apply. But then I wondered if that’s just because I’m a woman and I’ve been socialized to think that way. I wonder if there’s a middle ground where you express interest in the role and why you’d be good at it while still acknowledging that you don’t have the extra experience boss’s boss mentioned.

    2. I would just apply. You never know; they might not even get resumes from outside candidates that have ‘way more experience than you’. Also, there is a value to your being familiar with the company already, and outside candidates do not have that.

      1. +1 I would apply. This other person may not be interested, you could blow them away during an interview, etc. Lots of things could happen – don’t count yourself out!

    3. You should absolutely apply. I would tell your boss that you are applying and use that as an opportunity to discuss your career growth at the org. If this is not a good fit for you, what are potential next roles? What skills to do you need to further strengthen to work on that next level?

      If he’s not interested in having that convo with you, that’s also an answer and you should shift to looking externally for your next step.

    4. In my org it is good to apply for a job that is in a different department or job family (e.g., admin to professional staff, one type of professional position to another) but Very Bad to apply for a job that is on your promotion trajectory because you are supposed to go through the regular promotion process for those. I would find someone who will give you the real inside information on whether you should apply. Your boss, a mentor, etc.

    6. It’s probably a waste of your time unless you have a hidden skill set they don’t know about. I just hired under these exact circumstances. For my internals, I internally sighed, figured they got mediocre white man advice, interviewed with an open mind and hired externally because I did in fact need someone with experience.

    7. Nope, just say that you’re interested in moving to that role and thought you’d express your interest. They may eventually mentor you into something similar if they know that’s your goal.

    8. At my org, it would good to apply and at minimum would be a relationship building event for a later career move.

    9. I think this is going to be company specific. In companies I’ve worked at, I would have a more formal conversation about the job before applying. If you are an internal hire, you’ll want to have *someone* in your corner internally. If it isn’t your boss, maybe it’s a peer of your boss.
      I was the hiring manager for a team where we would often have people trying to move up. I took every single meeting that a less senior person asked for. Some were “I want to move into your org., how do I get there?” and some were the same question but much more leading. “I see you have an opening for X. I’ve been thinking about applying. What do you think?” I’ve also walked away from those conversations with new insight into people that wanted into my org and looked for chances to pull them in. In some cases, I just hired them. In others, I created matrixed opportunities for them to start working with my team and eventually slid them over into a role that suited them.
      I would have found it tone deaf for someone to have a conversation about their fit for a role, be told (gently) no (with a mentor approach on how to get there), and apply anyway. That doesn’t necessarily sound like your convo. If you had a time machine I’d recommend asking your boss’s boss at the time what you’d need to do to be considered.

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