ByKat Hours Updated
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Coffee Break: Soho Tote

black tote with zipper details

I always like Botkier bags, and this Soho tote is no different – love the simple shape with the little zipper details throughout. It looks sharp and polished with just a hint of tough girl chic.

It's $270 at Bloomingdale's; at 18″x5″x13″ it's got more than enough room for a laptop, folder, or more. Nordstrom Rack has a few colors on sale, and Dillards and Otrium (a new-to-me store) have a number of colorways as well.

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Sales of note for 12.5

134 Comments

  1. I would love to see more bags in colors other than black. I carried a black tote for years but I now think just about any color (stone, cordovan) is better.

    1. +1. I am literally never excited about a black bag (or coat fir that matter). It gets the job done but meh.

      1. I’m a pretty meh person and have 50% black bags (likely b/c I have a lot of black shoes — anything you can touch up with a sharpie . . .). The other 50% are very much not black: colored, sparkly, patterned, all of the above.

    2. I feel like workhorse basic bags (like this one) should be black or dark because light bags don’t wear well and look worn so much sooner.

  2. This is a design blog now . . .

    If you had an empty bedroom (has one Q bed, one nightstand (no mate), one dresser), what would you start with so you don’t get stuck with patterns and colors you can’t manage your way out of?
    — rug? (floors are medium wood that is stained)
    — curtains? (windows have basic blinds)
    — paint is a light neutral that I’m not sure I like (decide now or after there is stuff in the room?)
    — all bedding is white; room has a lot of heavy white trim, which I like as it brightens up the space (I’m going to keep the bedding white as it simplifies things for me).

      1. Agree. And if you don’t like the color, there is no sense in decorating around it. Pick a color you like and go from there.

      2. I vote paint last, it’s far easier to choose a paint to match the rug or bedding than vice versa :)

      3. I vote select the rug & curtains first because they are harder to match to pre-existing paint, but don’t put the rug down or curtains up until after you paint.

    2. I would ignore the colors of the walls and first I get a rug that I loved, then long curtains that I’d hang high and wide, and then if the paint is still off change it then. Before the rug. decide whether you want to really lean all in to neutral (which I agree is beautiful) or if you want more color. Especially if you want to bring in more color and big patterns, it’s going to be easier to match the paint to the rug than it is to match the rug to the paint. If you get the rug first, you can hold paint chips up against it. It’s not like you can hold rugs up against your wall (well you can but rugs are a total PITA thing to buy and return).

    3. I am lazy so I would leave the paint. I love rugs, window treatments, and wall hangings to change the feel of the room.

    4. Almost the exact same design w so thanks for posting.

      Are people still doing curtains? I feel like I don’t see them anymore but maybe they would make a room look more done— but it’s also a small room without high ceilings so I worry it could look frumpy too.

      1. Yes, do curtains! Not frilly ones – but framing and softening a window adds warmth, better acoustic and sets your decorating mood.

    5. rug first, pick a color from the rug for the paint, and pick up rug colors for any accessories. Try to stick to a single wood tone for furniture, even better if its the same as any floor that is showing around the rug.

      Seriously, rug first. It’s much easier to find one paint color from 100,000+ choices than it is to find a rug that goes iwth a paint color you picked first.

    6. I’d do accent color things- throw blanket, rug, pillow shams, lamp in a color family (i.e. pink and green, blue and tan) on a neutral base. Then if you hate it, you can change it out in 6mos.

    7. First – find out if you like your light neutral walls enough to work with them. You can make it work, but make sure that you want to do that.

      Neutral and white is not very helpful in terms of colors. Warm neutral? Cool grey neutral? Medium gray wood? Yellow? Reddish warm? There are so many things that fit the description! :) Is your white a white or a white-white with no undertones? Same for the bedding.

      It wounds like you want a light and fairly minimalist neutral scheme? Is there a headboard to the bed? What color nightstand and dresser? I would do a warm and light curtain – you do want curtains, they really make a difference to how welcoming the room is. Have a look a fabrics like velvet – maybe you’ll like a light blue or cream velvet curtain set? Or the pink IKEA Sanela?

      And then a small carpet for comfort – something to step on out of the bed, that works with both the neutral wall, your curtains and the color of the nightstand and dresser. A pastel-like “Persian” rug could work out well. You could get a couple of sham pillows that fits with your curtains. Some framed decor with frames that work with the dresser and nightstand. A lamp with a warm cream or peach shade.

    8. Pick artwork or a rug or curtains,,,whatever you really love, then pull colours from it for your pillows, paintwork etc. that makes it all cohesive. If you pick paint first, you might not like the accessories that match your paint color.
      60-30-10 rule.

  3. I really wasn’t expecting to be this shaken by the Queen’s passing. Properly the end of the long 20th century I think. Certainly feels like the end of the country I grew up in, and we’re now facing a very uncertain future.

    1. At least it’s not Tudor time? Going down the YouTube wormhole soon but at least it is a largely ceremonial job now and succession into the future is not in doubt. Historically speaking, it will be fine.

          1. Eh, could be 20. But yeah it certainly won’t be anywhere near as long as Elizabeth’s reign.

          2. His father lived to 99, and his mother lived to 96. He appears in decent health, and has finally got his dream job. He’ll be around for a while.

        3. While I do not disagree that William is much more palatable, given how difficult the Queen (RIP) found balancing parenting and the obligations of the monarchy, I suspect William would rather wait until his children are older.

          1. This. Honestly Charles as King until William’s kids are grown is not the worst. Charles gets to have the job he’s been waiting his whole life for and William’s kids will hopefully have a normal (ish) childhood.

          2. That’s true. I’m sure William is very content to wait 15-20 years until his kids are full grown.

          4. Agree 1000%. In fact, I believe the difficulty balancing parenting and monarchical obligations gave us what everyone finds so annoying about Charles (and also Andrew, yuck).

          1. Therefore you can keep F*&^ing your mistress and treat you very young, isolated wife like a piece of crap? No thank you.

          2. They were ill suited for each other. Too bad they figured that out after having two kids. Is it really that remarkable of a story? Her whole family is so effed up — read about her mom and Diana’s misery started well before Charles.

    3. I’m sorry, Ribena. She practically IS the institution, so I can understand why it would feel scary and uncertain. I’m an American, but her long reign is truly impressive. In 1953, my dad was very young and my mom wasn’t even born yet!

    4. I’m not British but am an Episcopalian in the US and just got an e-mail noting that she was head of the Church of England (and there will be a service for her). There is a Church of England just because of the whole problem of needing a male heir and it is ironic how the best and longest servicing monarchs were women (generally named Elizabeth). Godspeed.

      1. Well really there’s a Church of England because Henry VIII was horny, right? (Disclaimer – most of my knowledge of this period of history comes from the musical Six, I mainly studied 20th century history)

        1. He was horny, but needed a legitimate heir. At various times, he had sons who were outside of the line of succession b/c they were born to mistresses (e.g., Bessie Blount, possibly Mary Boleyn’s first son, am sure there are others). I feel better knowing this b/c it’s History (vs my knowledge of the Kardashians, which is just trashy). He wanted to divorce Catherine of Aragon only once she had reached menopause (so no more official heirs) but she refused to go quietly.

        2. Yes – he did not need to take England out of the Catholic Church to satisfy his urges. Kings were expected to have mistresses. He had no sons and no living brothers. His father had become king after a very long and bloody civil war over the succession. It was understandable that he was not eager to have his country go through that again. The Catholic Church made the decision not to allow his divorce in order to placate the Spanish crown (and controled a frankly absurd amount of England’s resources and did not pay taxes). This was politics/economics and not one man’s horniness. (And I say that while acknowledging that he was not a particularly “good” person.)

          But that does not make for fun popular media so is not the story that gets told.

          1. This.

            Henry VIII was himself a second son and England had gone through the 100+ Hundred Years War largely b/c of a lack of a clear line of succession, so it is a BFD not having a legitimate male (pref. Protestant given how bloody Bloody Mary (who did marry a Spanish prince, who must have been related to her and had a phantom pregnancy — how different the world could have been if she had had a child, especially a boy) would turn out to be) heir. Catherine Howard’s reputed infidelities made the legitimacy of any male heir by her questionable, so she had to go. Henry may have been impotent due to his leg wound after the time of Jane Seymour. Three of Henry’s wives were cousins. His last wife was the god-daughter of his first wife. His last wife also died in childbirth of the only child she had with any of her 3 husbands.

            History is wild.

          2. You mean the Wars of the Roses. The Hundred Years War was between England and France for very different reasons.

        3. Horny and, as my favorite Taskmaster contestant Paul Sinha once opined, “a murderous misogynist.”

      2. As a cradle Presbyterian turned Episcopalian, I love the Church of England origin story. Yeah yeah yeah, I know it’s more complicated than “male heir” but zingers and one-liners are part of our cultural heritage.

    5. Hugs. It does feel like the end of a symbol of stability in what are increasingly unstable times. I’m glad she went as she would have wanted to with being active until the end and without a long period of physical illness or mental decline.

        1. I saw the tweet that originated from – he based it off 1788 rather than 1776.

      4. My favorite little time factoid about this is that until today no King of England had ever used the Internet.

        1. The internet is pretty new! I feel like you can find an older technology that would make that stat even more impressive, but I can’t think of what that would be.

    7. I’m in my 30s, so she always seemed to me to be elderly without being “old”, no matter how old she got, so this feels very weird. I just kind of want to wallow in the news this afternoon.

  4. I live in a large apartment building where the ceilings are pre-wired for fans/lights. I miss having a ceiling fan in my bedroom so looking into buying one. I’ve already asked management here and the maintenance team won’t install it. Where do I look to hire someone to install it for me? I’m looking at ceiling fans with a light too if that matters.

    2. Electrician. Are you wired for lights and fan? We were wired for a thing on the ceiling but it was old wiring and could support a fan or a light but not a combo fan/light fixture.

    3. If you buy from a store like Lowes or Home Depot, they might offer installation services. but it would probably be more expensive than just a handyman. We bought a ceiling fan from a specialty lighting store. They may have installation services too.

    4. Any handyman should be able to install if properly wired already. It is actually really easy to do yourself too, if you have someone who can help hold the thing up while you connect the wires.

  5. Next week I will be visiting Rome for fun with my husband. I have read a lot of books, have extensive plans/tours booked, and have contacted a friend who lives there. Does the group have any tips or experiences to share? Shopping advice (or warnings) are particularly welcome. Guidance about what’s worth buying there and what is not, for example. Favorite anectodes or memories are also welcome. I’m excited!

    1. It’s not really off the beaten path anymore but I enjoyed Trastevere. There is a lot of great food in the city, but stay away from obvious tourist traps – places we picked deliberately after looking them up were great, places we randomly sat at because we were tired, not so much. No idea about shopping, but we also did a horseback tour of the Via Appia, followed by home cooked lunch at the horse farm, and it was a highlight of our trip (booked through Horseback Riding Ancient Rome). It’s originally from Florence but I love Santa Maria Novella and always buy something there.

    2. I’m not a big city person but I looooooved Rome. It’s the only big city other than Chicago that I think I could live in. Food wise, we loved Osteria 44, Ristorante Sofia, and Gelateria La Romana (best gelato I’ve EVER had and I’ve been to Italy four or five times). Giolitti is super famous gelato and also really good. I got a lovely triptych painting of three Rome scenes (I think St. Peter’s viewed from the river, the Colosseum and the Spanish Steps) from a street vendor that I have in my home office, but I’m pretty sure that was my only purchase there. I’m not a big shopper. We did a guided tour of the Vatican which I thought was very worth it, and explored the Colosseum on our own. We also did a food tour of Trastevere which was fun (our guide was a hoot), but the food we ate outside the tour was generally better. If you’re at all into photography it’s worth bringing along a tripod. I got some amazing professional looking photos of the Colosseum at night. We spent four full days there and it didn’t feel like enough. I want to go back, desperately. Enjoy!!

    3. Please make sure your taxi is an actual taxi and that you verify credit card or cash transaction (and that you actually have euros). We had a rather bizarre, slightly scary incident this summer where we were running late, got into what we thought was a taxi and when we got to our stop found the driver didn’t take credit cards and we had no euro (on a cruise, neither of us had credit card pin #). We knew better, we have traveled all over but were in a hurry and careless. After much yelling and threatening, we ended up filling up the “taxi” with gas and parting ways. Lesson learned!

  6. In spring 2020 I was made a permanently remote employee and had my office taken away. I even signed a remote work agreement with my employer, although of course it has a clause that it can be revoked at any time. One of my co-workers who does essentially the same job was given permission to move out of state so he obviously doesn’t have to attend anything in person. But our org structure has been reshuffled and I now have a great-grandboss who is super hot to get everyone back. I think his ideal would be everyone in the office fulltime (yuck) but we still don’t have individual office space so for now that’s a no-go. But he’s started sending invites for in-person meetings with no virtual option. I don’t mind attending the occasional one-off meeting, but would be upset if I lost the ability to work remotely in general. In particular, I value being able to work from a different location without using vacation time since we have many friends and family members in different parts of the US. My gut says that I should just attend the current meetings without complaint, and save my fighting for when they attempt to officially revoke my remote work status. Do you think that’s right? Or is that setting a bad precedent that I’ll come back full-time when I’m told to?

    1. this is tricky. does your colleague with almost the same job also report to this grand boss? how can he go to these meetings? where does your boss work? in-person? remote?

      1. No, my colleague has a different reporting structure after the shuffle. Most people, including the great grandboss, are still working primarily from home because we have conference space but not much individual office space. But I think his long term goal is definitely having everyone back in the office most of the time.

    2. Save this fight for later. If your new great-grandboss wants to meet in person, that’s what you have to do. I don’t necessarily agree with this tactic, but I know several managers who have gone in this direction. They are done with remote everything, whether the rank-and-file like it or not.

      I do want to push back on the notion of working from a different location while not using vacation time. That would not be OK in my office, so be very sure you know whether that’s part of your WFH agreement. Ours specifically states that we have to have a permanent, dedicated space for WFH. It’s one thing to zoom into a random meeting while you’re truly on vacation, but what you’re describing seems like something else. Hope you’re truly working during those work hours.

      1. Yes, it’s allowed unless I go for more than a certain number of consecutive days (about 1 month). When I do this I work normal hours and have fulltime childcare in the new place. I’m not talking about cheating and being on vacation without using vacation time. But being able to spend time with my family and friends on nights and weekends is a big perk.

      2. What exactly is the problem if you’re working your set hours but using your evenings to enjoy wherever you are?

          1. I think it’s completely fine in most workplaces unless you’re lying and not really working. But OP says she is working and has childcare.

      3. It work remotely, not prison. You can work 8 hours in front of your laptop anywhere with internet access.
        There’s hours outside of work to spend with friends and family, so they can enjoy the other 16 hours of the day/night.
        “Hope you are truely working”, wtf, you aren’t her boss!
        Hey OP, I hope you are truly enjoying a lunch break every day with good company and good food.

        1. See my comment below about regional pay difference and why this isn’t necessarily equitable.

          1. I feel like this is addressed by the fact that they have a cap on the number of consecutive days you can be gone? You definitely have to get permission to relocate permanently. Working from my parents house for a couple weeks every summer isn’t saving me any money on rent. But fwiw, my employer is based in a very LCOL area so it would be hard to profit financially by relocating. It’s not a situation like we’re in SF and employees can save money by living almost everywhere else.

    3. I would decline and state “my position is fully remote so I won’t be in the office”

      I’m just over it. Fire me if you want.

        1. Not for a one on one meeting just because my boss is obsessed with being in person.

          1. Fwiw these are pretty big meetings. Some with the whole staff, some with 5-20 people. I’m not being asked to come in for one on one meetings. I don’t even have one on one meetings with this guy. My direct boss who I meet one on one with is very pro-remote work.

      2. +1, this seems like a very slippery slope. I wouldn’t come in except for like established all-office events. They will get used to not accommodating remote work.

    4. Does he have an assistant that does the scheduling? You could tell them “I am 100% remote but can arrange my schedule to attend in person with enough notice and coordination. Meeting X works for me, but I wanted to let you know for planning purposes.”

    5. Remote work at my former employer came with an agreement that you would be able to come to the office with short notice so the work/vacation option was a no-no. If you were not within the geographic area of the company you were required to take PTO. I did have occasions where I worked full days of my PTO time unexpectedly, and in those cases my manager had discretion to mark me “present” and not on PTO, but that was the exception rather than the rule.

      Some of this was because we had offices all over the US (and world) and there were regional differences in the pay scale. If you were making San Francisco level wages, you were expected to stay in the area and no arbitrage the deal by secretly moving to a LCOL area & still receive SF region pay (which wouldn’t be fare to the employees making LCOL wages.)

      1. There are also tax/employment law consequences for both employees and companies when employees work from other states for stretches of time. Most companies have policies around how long you can work elsewhere/providing notice to the company to prevent unpleasant surprises.

        My company of 300 people has 6 employees being audited (as individuals) by various states for exactly these types of issues – it’s an easy money maker for states. I’m in a department where I’ve had to help provide documentation they need to share as part of their audits.

  7. My mom passed over the weekend. She and my dad live(d) with me. My dad is drinking non-stop and delegating everything to me. I have no instructions from them on what they wanted, so I am clearly making mistakes. I get 3 days of leave at work. That seems…so insufficient to me? And I can’t really take the leave yet, because the autopsy is taking forever and I don’t even know when we can have a service yet. I don’t want to run my leave out and then have no leave for her service.

    Does anybody have advice. There is nobody I can ask for help. I am the only “doer” in the family. Everybody else is just feeling their feelings, and throwing resentment at me when I bother them with a question. But when I make the decision myself something about it is wrong. Oh and I am closing a massive deal at work next week and my boss is OOO so…no cover.

    2. So sorry to hear this. Take care of things as best you can now. And take yourself on holiday for a proper break once the initial period has passed. Reach out to friends for support.

    3. Call your boss and say you are taking two weeks off starting tomorrow to handle your mom’s death and you won’t be working. You are not closing that deal

      Call a funeral director and tell them you want them to handle the arrangements.

    4. I am so sorry for your loss. To answer your direct question, the first year is really hard (all the “firsts” without your mother). But it is never easy.

      Do you have PTO you can take in addition to bereavement? If so, I highly recommend taking it. Have you told your office? The death of a parent is one of those things for which they need to arrange coverage. Any chance of pushing the closing date a week? I am an attorney and I understand we are trained to think that our personal lives are never an excuse, but seriously this is asking for you to make a mistake because you are stressed. What would they do if you got hit by a bus? They would figure it out. They can figure it out here too.

      Are you a member of any faith tradition, if so call your local place of worship (even if you have never attended) and talk to them. This is what they do.

      With respect to making decisions, shut down criticism fast and hard. If ANYONE (except maybe your Dad) has the colossal nerve to whine at you about your actions after your mother has died, you have the absolute permission from a random internet stranger to tear them a new one. And then tell them if they want to do it themselves, you are happy to let them. But you are doing the best you can and they need to help you, support you, or shut the f*ck up. You are inside the circle for anyone except your father and do not owe them civility when they cannot be decent human beings.

      I am so very, very sorry.

      1. Every word of this. Work can go hang. Maybe talk to your boss’ boss? Literally anyone else at work?

      2. +1, if you or your parents had any connection to a church or religious center, reach out to them. My mom’s church was incredibly helpful to me when she passed away.

      3. I’m sorry for your loss.

        +1 on telling anyone except maybe your dad to pound sand–I so wish I’d had (and followed) this advice.

        I needed to get so much stuff done that I didn’t take care of myself and my emotions very well. I wish I’d started therapy and gone to peer grief support right away. If you’re near Silicon Valley, Kara is a great resource for peer grief support.

    5. IME it doesn’t get better but it does get normal. I am so sorry. 3 days of leave is a pathetic amount, and the fact that you are dealing with the logistics alone except for criticism makes the whole situation even more difficult.

      If you have some money to throw at stuff, I would do that. Take out, house cleaning, pick up/drop off laundry service, the works. Do you have anyone (spouse / s/o / friends) who could coordinate these things? Would the client understand any kind of delay? I feel like it would take a monster to insist that the deal is more important than you getting some time.

    7. I am so sorry to hear that. What a situation! I’ve not been through this (yet), but my impression is that the funeral home you choose will be able to handle a lot, and have experience with tons of situations. Start with one conveniently located, and if they give you a weird vibe look for another but don’t overthink it. Explain the situation with the autopsy, let them know which church your mom went to if she was a regular church goer, and let them help you from there. And be upfront with budget considerations – they will be understanding. If no one else will step up to help with decisions, make them in good faith and don’t look back. “I’m sorry you feel that way”, full stop, end of conversation if you are second guessed or resented-at. You have all of our sympathies.

      1. agree

        you’re not making mistakes, you’re treating your mom with honor and respect, even when it is hard. you are an amazing daughter.

        sending you love ❤️ from internet stranger.

    8. I’m so very sorry. I hope this is as bearable as it can be.

      As anon above says, this is what business continuity plans are for. Work can just figure out what to do without you.

    9. I’m sorry. 3 days does seem insufficient, so if you can take PTO I suggest you do. You have a lot on your plate right now. I agree with the above that you can tell anyone who criticizes you to shut the f up. They can help out or get out. When does it get better? Sigh, never. It is 10 years this month since I lost my mom and I still miss her every day. It gets less raw, but the scar is always present. Hugs to you as you go through this.

    11. Have you approached anyone to clarify the policy? It’s pretty common in my experience to let the employee dictate the time they need even if there is a corporate policy in place. Usually the conversation is “I’m so sorry, take the time off that you need. Let’s touch base on X date to see how you’re doing.”

    12. Practical advice, call HR and if you don’t have HR, call whoever is sufficiently high up and say “my mom just died, we don’t have HR, who should I talk to.” Three days of bereavement leave typically just means that you have three days that are paid, and not counted against PTO otherwise. There are lot of other options to give you time off (albeit not paid unless you have vacation time), including FMLA (unpaid but protects your job). Also, tell people at work. There are more people that will step up to help you than you think – and some of them will surprise you. If you have kids and are close to one of the other parents, tell them. Use your network outside of your family to support you. The next year is going to be rough. You don’t have to do it alone.

      The funeral home or place of worship will streamline most of the service aspects and are used to people who are not functionally optimally. Nothing has to be perfect, and it never will be. As others have said, if you are religious, reach out to your house of faith – whether it is a prayer tree to give you strength or just flat out people to bring food – this it is what its for.

      1. + a million. Many (most?) people will jump in feet first to help. They will give you grace.
        I’m so sorry for your loss.

    13. I’m so sorry for your loss.

      This is a marathon not a sprint. Get many, many copies of the death certificate when it is available because you will need them and duplicates are usually not sufficient. Since she was married to your dad, presumable he inherits, which will make things easier. It’s more complicated when the last parent dies.

      The only hurry item is a memorial or just deciding what to do with the remains. Everything else you have plenty of time to deal with.

      Hugs. I know from personal experience how hard it is.

      1. I neglected to mention that grief seems to bring out the worst in people. That was certainly the case for several of my close family members. If people are being assholes to you, give it back. You are also grieving. It’s your right.

    14. I’m so sorry for your loss.

      I’m so sorry that you face this alone.

      Some advice about the immediate stuff.

      A good funeral service company – whatever religion or denomination or not – is a great help. They are professional. This is literally the only thing they do. Ask around for a couple of quotes, go with your gut. Don’t go for “gold service” or super fancy whatever. That’s not necessary. You want good enough, not going-for-broke. They can probably help with keeping tabs with the autopsy (whether police or medical), but they might charge a lot. Don’t let yourself be guilted into extra costs. Think about your future and your economy – you know that you have ZERO wishes from you mom to “honor”, so you are free to honor yourself and her in other ways than throwing money around. There are no wishes, so you are free to choose what works for you.

      For your work – your communication story at the moment is “my parent just died and I have a lot to organize, we need to make some changes” is your tune. Not what you can manage, how many hours you have, etc. Your tune is OF COURSE, I’m going to have some time off, and we need to make a plan.

      Do you have any friends or more distant relatives that can do the phone stuff, if relevant? If auntie Beth can call everybody and say “I don’t know if you heard, Laura died, it’s very sad, and the funeral service will be on Thursday next.”, that will be a help.

      I’m not in the US, so don’t know local rules, but if you could have a friend check whatever rules are connected to what are the spouse’s responsibilities towards official stuff, that would be good to know.

    15. I’m so so sorry. I did this in January and it was just terrible.

      In order:
      You’ll probably want to make a list of folks who deserve a call, and call or ask other family members to call. Family members who are having feelings sometimes really do want to talk to other family members, so don’t write them off unless its too hard to get them to do the thing.

      Its worth considering what friends you can ask for help to keep you company/make you eat/be sympathetic. I had 2 friends who’d lost parents early who really helped walk me through the process + edited things etc. Go get snacks so you have things to pick at if you’re liable to forget to eat.

      It’d be really really good to talk to your boss about the fact that you’ll be working at 30% this week and is there any help or coverage available, even if suboptimal. If you’d been hospitalized this week, who would take over?

      Then write an obit + send around to close family for feedback this week. Everyone will hate the first version, and that’s part of the process. Summarizing a life in a few hundred words is so profoundly insufficient, but with a couple of edits you’ll have something good. Put it in the paper when you know the service date.

      The mortuary should be helpful for figuring out reasonable schedules, but talking about rush fees for a cremation really really got to me. Cremation without autopsy was 2+ weeks (during a high covid period) but I paid for a 2-3 day rush so we could have the funeral on my parents anniversary. There’s a permit+ paperwork- if you have a friend/useful family member, having them help with this was really valuable for me.

      Contact her religious institution for a funeral for a few weeks out (if not doing cremation), and a month+ out if you’re choosing to cremate. My mother’s church had a really good office lady who gave me the choose your own adventure version of a service – options a,b, or c for reading 1, music, flowers etc.

      Death certificates get put together by the mortuary, and something like 6-9 months from now you’ll want to settle her affairs and close accounts. If she had a lawyer, contact them and make sure you know who the executor is+ what the process will look like.

    16. My sincere condolences. Sending you hugs and wishes for strength and wisdom at this time.

      Most of what should be said has been said above, so I just want to add one thing that might be unpleasant to think about right now but you should be prepared to address. Inheritance. Went through something similar where distant cousins (including ones I had never heard of) and siblings demanded their share of the inheritance and argued over who should get what, literally on the same day of the funeral. It was disgusting. Hopefully you have better relatives, but you should be well informed of any will she left behind and protect it.

    17. Three days is not sufficient. You can MAYBE work one or two hours a day so you don’t fall behind but the deal has to be pushed. Will she be cremated? That takes at least ten days. Just call a funeral home and go in. This is their job and they know how to do it. Although I personally prefer a traditional funeral, you can choose to have a celebration of life later when you have time and the ability to think about it.

    18. You can also pay someone to go through all the paperwork and make phone calls. Someone with experience in this field will often know about things that haven’t occurred to you. It helps too with being removed from the fray.

  8. Randomly, does anyone have a good internet source for a typical surrogacy contract (never mind a celebrity one which is likely to have various NDAs in it and possibly be overseas, where protections are much less, like in India, which has a huge surrogacy industry). I’m really curious now about how a woman in the U.S. would fare as a surrogate — what could you be made to do or not do? Does your spouse have to be on board (or boyfriend)?

      1. Interesting. I read the egg donor contract when I was a poor grad student and OMFG it was a bit eye-popping and I decided that I was merely curious and it was not going to be something I was going to do to myself, especially because I didn’t know what my personal fertility experience would be and if this would harm it at all. Not like how it is for the guys.

      2. This may be a dumb question but could the surrogate become pregnant naturally (her egg, BF or husband’s sperm) during this time? Do they do a DNA or paternity test at birth in any event to make sure? Does the surrogate nurse the baby (which would be good for the baby) but may make the intended parents flip out? Who pays if there are grave complications (check out Cap Hill Style insta stories for a horror story, which has sadly happened to at least 4 people I know).

        1. No you can’t get pregnant when you’re already pregnant. Otherwise there would be lots of double pregnancies from women having unprotected sex with their partners while pregnant.

        2. This is covered by the agreement. If she gets pregnant naturally, it is her baby and she has to return the money and pay the expenses. Typically there is a DNA test if there is any chance at all that the baby is not the result of the IVF. (Although this is often skipped if there is a relationship between the surrogate and the Intended Parents. I am good friends with a gay couple who had their children with the help of a lesbian friend who carried the babies (anonymous egg donor) – in that case they did not bother with a DNA test!)

          The surrogate sometimes pumps but does not usually nurse the baby after discharge from the hospital. The Intended Parent is responsible for any expenses not covered by insurance (often with a time limit – the IP do not want to get hit with a bill for pelvic floor treatment ten years later).

      3. $500 for maternity clothes?! That seems stingy — what if you need a winter coat?

        1. Yeah that seems super stingy. I probably spent almost that much 5 years ago pre-inflation, and I have a casual job and got away with wearing jeans or leggings to work and didn’t buy a winter coat (just wore my husband’s).

        2. The thought process is that surrogates are done having their own families so they already have clothes. Also there is usually a separate monthly “slush fund” for expenses if they need more maternity clothes. Finally if a surrogate didn’t have any maternity clothes they could negotiate a higher allowance in the contract.

          1. I had kids but I got rid of them after kid #2 once I could fit in regular clothes. And clothes from pg 1 were off-season when I needed maternity clothes again.

            As I read the K, it just involve the richest intended parents and the poorest possible surrogate for someone to take this burden on on both sides.

    2. Yikes — this is worse than any bad maternity leave short of no maternity leave:

      If Gestational Carrier is employed at the time of delivery, or was employed during
      the pregnancy and was unable to continue her employment based on her obstetrician’s
      recommendation, Intended Parents agree to reimburse Gestational Carrier for her gross lost income
      from the time of delivery until her obstetrician releases her to return to work, but in no event for
      longer than three weeks after vaginal delivery or five weeks after birth if she delivers by cesarean
      section. Intended Parents shall not be responsible for Gestational Carrier’s lost income to the extent
      her income is replaced by disability insurance reimbursements.

    3. This is a totally unregulated area, and contracts are negotiated individually between the surrogate and the parents. However if you work with a reputable agency and lawyers, they will help ensure that things are as fair as possible. Everything I’m about to write is about working with a good agency in the US. Surrogates and their spouses are screened for psychological, financial, and health criteria (sometimes by both the agency and the clinic). This ensures there is no coercion happening (either financial or from a partner). At a good agency less than ten percent of those who want to be a surrogate pass the screening. Then they match you with parents based on a million criteria (how much contact you want with the baby, what are your feelings on abortion, do you want to pump breast milk). Once the surrogate and the families are matched (obviously both sides need to feel good about the match) then they both get separate lawyers to negotiate the contract. All the compensation etc is negotiated there, although agencies usually make recommendations for standard practice and it varies a lot by location. Both the surrogate and her spouse sign the contract.

      The clinic will put her on BC as part of the IVF process so it is highly unlikely that she gets pregnant naturally. You can do DNA testing at the parents’ request and expense.

      Regardless of what the contract says, the surrogate cannot be ‘made’ to do anything, as it is her body. The parents have no rights until the baby is born. So if the parents want an abortion due to an issue with the fetus and the surrogate doesn’t, too bad for the parents. The worst that can happen is breach of contract and the surrogate would have to pay back their fees. The parents are responsible for the resulting child no matter what.

      No reputable agency or clinic will do traditional surrogacy, which is the surrogates egg and the father’s sperm. They only allow surrogacy where there is no genetic link between the surrogate and the baby.

      Similarly, it is extremely rare for a surrogate to nurse, although they may pump if it is negotiated with the parents.

      Obviously there are risks associated with pregnancy, as there are with many jobs. Ultimately, my perspective after talking to a lot of surrogates and parents is that a grown woman has the right to do what she wants with her own body. Our surrogate found the process positive enough that she wants to do it again with us for a second child, and this is not uncommon. I do think we need some regulation to make sure it is always above board and there are appropriate protections in place.

        2. Anonymous @ 5:05 – Would you care to elaborate? Because “yuck” is the response of a toddler to an unfamiliar food, not an adult woman to an excellent explanation of the way surrogacy contracts work. I recognize that this is an ethically fraught issue but “yuck” does not add much to the conversation and fails to recognize any of the complexities involved.

  9. The cleaning person a friend recommended is not working out. What’s the best way to tell her that (if she ever turns up today) I won’t be a client anymore? Face-to-face, text before next month, burn the house down and move to another country???

    1. text/call (if that’s the way you usually communicate with her) with as much notice before the next scheduled service. I would say “thanks for your time, but we decided we didn’t need the help at this time.” Offer to send one payment by check/other payment method as transition.
      If they have key/access options, disable those & collect key. I’ve never changed a lock, but something to consider if they have a physical key and you have security concerns.
      If they try to argue/explain what happened today, don’t engage and politely say that you don’t need the service.

    2. Assuming you’ve only used her a handful of times, I think it’s fine to text a vague reason why you no longer need cleaning services. You can be more honest with your friend about the reasons

      1. +1. Text before the next appointment and say you have decided to go with a different cleaning service instead.

    6. I texted my former cleaning lady something like “after today’s visit we will no longer be using your services”

      Then she followed up with questions as to why, I answered them briefly but honestly, and then she wanted to make it right. My stance was she should have made it right before I fired her, because she absolutely knew about the problems when they happened. I just said no thank you, best of luck.

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