Coffee Break: Square Sunglasses

218 Comments

1. Do you have a favorite trusted jeweler for antique and estate jewelry? It’s time to find an engagement ring! Looking for actual antique/vintage and not a reproduction. Thank you!

   1. No reccomendations as I’m in Canada, but congrats on the engagement and thank you for making a socially and environmentally responsible choice!

   2. I think I’ve seen Market Square Jewelers recommended before.

   3. Victor Barbone on Instagram has gorgeoussssssss (pricey) rings that are all either true antique/vintage rings or new rings made using antique diamonds in vintage-inspired styles. I am OBSESSED.

   4. eragem off insta

      1. Oh gosh their stuff is drool-worthy.

         1. Yes, this one and Gray & Davis I have been tracking – and have several links saved! Incredible stuff :)

   5. Jewels by Grace

      1. This is a most excellent rabbit hole to go down, thank you!

   6. I initially looked for estate/vintage and most of my local jewelry stores had a small selection, so check local options. Brilliant Earth used to sell vintage, but it doesn’t look like they do anymore? I ended up with a new art-deco style setting (jolie designs), but the diamond is vintage (I wanted an old mine cut diamond); a local jewelry appraiser sourced it. I think we found her by asking another appraiser I had used for some other jewelry. So if you can’t quite find what you want in estate jewelry, that’s an option. You might just ask local jewelry stores if they have a source for vintage stones.

      1. I will say one thing I learned from looking at things on Brilliant Earth’s website and then seeing them in their physical store–pictures of rings don’t actually look much like they do in person on your finger. Something about macro photography just doesn’t translate well. After that, I was hesitant to buy anything I saw online without seeing it in person as well.

   7. Congratulations! I have an 1920’s engagement ring from Filigree out of Minneapolis. I also feel like they have a nice cross section on price.

   8. Lang Antiques in San Francisco

   9. Beladora online.

2. I’ve posted here before about needing heart surgery in the medium term. I got this news a few months ago and while I’m mostly fine, more recently I’m finding I’m unable to sleep. Lots of tossing and turning until 4 am as my mind wanders to how I’ll handle the hospital stay, the time right after surgery in ICU, the recovery. And then I fall asleep at 4-5 am and need to be up around 8 for work, so I’m exhausted. This isn’t every night but that’s because after a few nights of this, I’m so exhausted that I sleep thru the next night. Things are better during the day though my mind does wander to OMG – can I really not take a new job because I need to stay with my stable gig, should I really buy a house as I planned, what’s the point of dating what guy is going to want to deal with this.

   In my rational mind I know that people get through the hospital stay and recovery just fine and once a surgery is set, the surgeon will have a nurse or resident or someone who’ll tell you want to expect or answer questions. I don’t really have anyone I can discuss this with now though. Not partnered up, parents who’ll help me after just get all emotional and upset if you even bring it up, friends are mostly of the fair weather variety and busy in their own happy lives, my closest friend is the gossipy type so if I told her this she’d bring it up non stop which I also don’t want. I like my cardiologist a lot but IDK he isn’t really the type to chat. I mean it was a huge piece of advice from him when I saw him last to say – keep living your life, you don’t have to sit around waiting for the day you need surgery.

   WWYD? Work outs? Meditation? I know sometimes people say therapy but I’m unsure what I want– it’s not like a therapist can be like oh yeah I know better, you don’t need cardiac surgery. I guess what I need is for the next months and years to be normal enough so I can live my life and that includes sleeping so I can work as I need to hold onto my job.

   1. Talk to your cardiologist about the fact that it is causing you a lot of stress. You are not the only one this is happening for and it is perfectly and entirely normal. The cardiologist may have resources for you or be able to point you in the right direction of people who are good to chat with. Also, do consider therapy. The therapist doesn’t tell you that you won’t need surgery, but helps with helping you process everything – helps you process what this means for your future and how YOU feel about it. Lots of doctors fully recommend going to therapy to help process a diagnosis.

      1. This, exactly.

   2. This seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to be worried about! If the main thing causing you problems is lack of sleep, I’d focus on things that would help you sleep, which could include exercise, meditation, and medication (either sleeping pills or anxiety medication). You could also focus on things that distract you from your thoughts- when I have issues like this, I force myself to read a book until I fall asleep, rather than just letting myself spiral. I read on my ipad in dark mode, so I don’t need a light but the screen is basically just black.

   3. Hi please stop over complicating this and get therapy. It’s very very clearly what is needed, and possibly treatment for anxiety.

      1. Hi please don’t be rude to someone who is clearly struggling over something that any normal person would struggle with. Thanks. -An MD though not a cardiologist.

      2. She’s not overcomplicating it. She’s just seeking some advice/support for the very understandable emotionally distressing components to it. This is a lot to deal with for anyone.

   4. Would it help to talk to some one who has been through it? I’ve mentioned before that I have a cardiac condition resulthing from a pulmonary disease. I’ve found some Facebook groups to be perfect for help and unloading. I could give you the link for one of the heart groups I belong to. It’s sponsored by the AHA Go Red and exists for the purpose of encourging heart health and exercise, but women frequently talk about their surgeries, their setbacks and their worries. It’s a super supportive environment without a lot of the normal FB drama llamas. I’m sure there is someone in the group who has been through your particular condition.

      I’ll say as someone with a chronic condition … exercise and rest and general self care is the best thing. I know how wakeful you can be when the mind starts spinning, so it’s easier said than done. So work on sleep hygiene. Journaling may help. There may be other resources offered by the hospital system where you will have the surgery, ask your doctor. Can you exercise? Changing your exercise routine to later in the day or adding a evening walk may wipe you out enough to sleep. And some type of repetitive hobby like coloring, puzzles, or needlecraft may keep your mind occupied in a manner that pushes the thoughts to the back.

      I wish you luck.

      1. OP here – I didn’t even know such groups existed so yes that would be helpful. Thanks. Yes I can and do exercise and am considering shifting that to later in the day or doing things like showering before bed which tends to make me sleepy usually.

         1. https://www.facebook.com/groups/GoRedGetFit

      2. +1 to Facebook Communities. I’ve been blown away bit the extremely niche communities that exist for my medical situation and would definitely encourage you to do some searching to see if a community might exist for you as well. It might also be worth asking your doctor about any community resources you can tap into from their experience.

         I also want to commiserate on the doom spiraling and hours laying awake and staring at the ceiling. You’re not alone in these emotions, so don’t feel like everyone else in the world can cope because we definitely are not either!

   5. I say this so often IRL that I might out myself: therapy doesn’t make the bad situation or bad emotions go away; it gives you tools to make those emotions manageable. You understand the first part; you aren’t getting the second part.

      Try meditation, exercise (afternoon or earlier), and maybe a small dose of melatonin. Sleeplessness can create anxiety, so you’re in a bad cycle.

      If you need to talk to someone, post a burner email. If you feel like it, post a location and see if someone will meet up in person.

   6. Therapists will help you figure out ways to manage your anxiety, not make your anxiety go away.

   7. Do you have any idea what the surgery will be like? My 80 yr old father had a heart valve replacement. It turned out to be minimally invasive. They put it through another vein and popped it open in the appropriate spot. Was ultimately not a very big deal with not much recovery time.
      Maybe if you get actual facts it will stop the catastrophizing spiral you are in.

   8. Your pcp may prescribe you something for sleep and anxiety for the short term leading up to surgery.

   9. Do you have a surgery date yet? If not, can you get it scheduled? I have a major surgery coming up soon, and the time between diagnosis/surgery recommendation and actually getting it on the books was the worst for me. It’s hard not to obsess about it. I remember saying to my husband, they just want me to like live life and go to work? It’s hard. But once I knew it was coming up, it got a bit easier to know that it would be done soon. Good luck.

   10. Not sure if it helps to hear, but this is totally normal. I had surgery for cancer and can’t tell you how much I agonized leading up to it and my surgeon’s office wasn’t all that communicative. After surgery there is a huge unknown on whether it will return. So even though I didn’t need chemo, it has been this huge shadow lurking and I also struggle with “take a new job or not and risk changing insurance” and wondering if I will need chemo and become too ill to take on a new big project. I also wish my friends and family could better understand. The thing that has helped me the most is following people with my same condition on social (seeing them manage through so much worse has given me a ton of strength). I also try to remember what I can and can’t control. Major surgeries are stressful. But you will be in the place where you can get the best possible care. They will work to manage any pain. And honestly you’ll likely sleep most of the time. I was surprised to find that even though I had major surgery (loss of part of my colon), it was surprisingly easy to be in the hospital where I didn’t need to worry about anything but resting. I would try to focus on the sleep issue. Anxiety is hardest when you’re tired. If you can get into a normal sleep rhythm, the rest will start to fall into place once you’re rested.I don’t know if this is helpful, but I’ve gotten into the habit of listening to mindless gossipy podcasts (Juicy Scoop!) or old standup routines when I’m trying to sleep. Listing to something chatty/happy that takes my mind somewhere different has made a world of difference.

   11. I had major surgery (10+ hours) for cancer almost 10 years ago and was a mess leading up to the surgery. I am otherwise the most level-headed responsible accountant you could find.

       Here is what helped:
       – I got a prescription for sleeping pill that I used less than 10 times leading up to the surgery as I had stopped sleeping from stress
       – used guided meditation — look up Bellaruth Naparstek’s meditation for Successful Surgery — listened many times
       – did lots of exercise outside —was in better shape before surgery than I had ever been — appreciate you are having heart surgery so may not be possible – just getting outside also helped
       – planned my recovery — bought a push button lazy boy chair (still love that chair) and lined up things to watch, etc (I was off work for 9 weeks)
       – found an online support group, including someone in my city who had the same surgery with the same surgeon a few months ahead of me
       – found an in person support group and an exercise recovery program
       – had a few appointments with a psychiatrist associated with my hospital’s cancer program who totally normalized my reactions — so helpful

       Hope some of these ideas help – it sucks, but you will get through it.

   12. Hi friend, I had an attempted cardiac ablation that failed a few years ago, and they want to go in for another attempt in January. Before my first ablation attempt I remember feeling so much of what you describe: anxiety, fear, uncertainty, etc. In my case, they were going to thread an electrode through my femoral artery into my heart and then burn parts of my heart tissue to get my arrhythmia – which is infrequent and not bothersome to me at this point – to stop. While not as scary as some things, the mechanics of the surgery scared me plenty the more that I thought about it. I couldn’t sleep; I became convinced I was going to die on the table and wrote out instructions to accompany my will about which of my things should go to whom, etc. I got up on the day of the procedure and basically resigned myself to never coming home.

       Six hours later there I was, back home. It was not the most fun experience I’ve ever had (especially when they told me it didn’t work and we’d have to try again!). But when I got to the hospital, everyone was really warm and kind. One nurse told me, “we’re used to this because we do it all the time, but at some point if you don’t understand what’s going on, tell us and we’ll stop and explain it to you.” Because of the twilight sedation I was under, I honestly don’t remember a lot between when they wheeled me out of my room and when I woke up in my room. I took it easy for a couple of days and then was back to normal and feel better about the attempt in January, because I’ve been through one and feel like I can get through another.

       I think therapy or groups are a great idea. I did some journaling that helped – it just helped me get my feelings out on paper vs. constantly having them pinging around in my head.

       I will also say that your cardiologist’s advice to live your life until you have the surgery, and worry about recovery, etc. at that point is good – and the same advice I got, BTW. Date the guy. Buy the house. Take the job. You have a life now, you’ll have the surgery and on the other side of the surgery your life will resume, even if you have to take a little hiatus from normality while you’re recovering. You got this. Big hugs.

3. My parents want to take the family on a vacation. 2 fit people in their 60s, 3 30-somethings and a 2-year-old. We have to travel when school is out of session so either over Christmas, spring break or June-July. We like more active vacations but will have a 2 year old with us so it can’t be all adventure all the time. Some thoughts we had: Zion, Sedona, Iceland, Glacier NP, Michigan lakes, and maybe Germany to visit family. I know this is all over the place but would love to hear some other ideas. Thanks!

   1. Bitter End, BVIs. It’s $$$ and I don’t know your budget, but it’s top notch. Excellent balance of relaxation and activity.

   2. I have done this type of multi-generational trip many times and recommend picking a home base with things to do and then the people who want to can do side trips. This also allows people (particularly the 2 year old) to nap/eat when needed, allows you to come together when desired but does not either tie the entire group to the schedule of a toddler or force one adult to stay at the hotel catering to said toddler.

      We have great luck with the South Pacific at around that age (Moorea and Huahine specifically – although that is a very long trip) as well as Belize and carefully curated places in Costa Rica (to avoid the terrible roads). Lake houses also work well! The key is making sure everyone can come together and get away and that the toddler has a safe place to sleep that still allows the adults to hang out (which is why lake houses and resorts with small huts in close proximity work so well). Bring your baby monitor!

   3. We have traveled a lot with our kids, and I would not recommend a national park with a two year old unless you know your kid is very willing to sit in a hiking back pack (mine were not) and someone is very willing to carry them most of time time. Out of your list, I think a lake house in Michigan would be the best bet. People can have some flexibility to do whatever they want during the day, and then you all have a home base to hang out in the evenings.

      I am not sure where you are coming from, but Hawaii is also a great option for multigenerational family trips. Lots to do for every age. Similarly, if you are open to other destinations in Europe, we found Corsica and Mallorca to be great for all ages and June would be a great time to visit either.

      1. +1. My immediate reaction to Glacier, Zion and Iceland with a 2 year old was nooooo. If you know your kid does well in the hiking carrier for long hikes…maybe. But to me, these are destinations for couples trips or for when your kids are quite a bit older and can hike.

         Our easiest and most relaxing trips with babies and toddlers were beach resorts in the Caribbean, but it sounds like you want something more active. Hawaii and many places in Europe are more active but still not reasonably toddler friendly. We were in Florence with a preschooler this year and it was wonderful. I think basing yourselves at an agriturismo in Tuscany and renting a car to explore Florence and all the little towns would be a great mix of active and relaxing. But this isn’t really specific to Italy – you could do the same thing in many other European countries (finca in Spain, farmhouse in France, etc.)

         Personally, I find inter-generational trips are much better when everyone has their own room so I vastly prefer resorts or cruises to vacation home rentals, and would really hate the lakehouse in Michigan option but that is definitely personality dependent. I know a lot of people love it.

         1. Hawaii is super easy and adventurous. It’s great with a toddler to the extent that any place can be great with a toddler.

            1. Yes I agree! We went to Oahu with a 3 year old and it was lots of fun.

   4. A European city or a resort. A 2 year old can’t take active vacations, sorry.

4. I just got back from a 12-day vacation to Europe and….I am not doing so hot. The post-vacay depression is very strong. I still have trips to look forward to! We’re going on another international trip in January! But man, my motivation levels have never been lower. I think part of it is that I’m now 30 and have more responsibilities at work, so this is the first time I’ve returned from a long trip and truly felt smacked in the face with the amount of sh!t that piled up in my absence. Before I was junior enough that I think I got shielded from that. But idk if it’s just work so much as a general sense of blahness after transitioning from great food, walking and sightseeing all day, drinking a lot more than normal to now sitting in my home office for 10 hours a day eating microwaved leftovers. Help? Any tips to recover from this post-vacation slump? I am already treating myself to fancier coffee in the morning…..

   1. I totally felt this way when I got back from 3 weeks in Europe in June! Here’s what worked for me:

      -Give yourself a break and take it easy for the first 1-2 weeks. It IS hard to go from feeling so free and unencumbered and eating/drinking/seeing whatever you want all day to being stuck at work in a home office. The way you’re feeling is normal!

      -Plan something fun in the near future once you have enough energy to get excited about doing stuff again.

      -Remember the parts of your trip that felt exciting and try to incorporate them into your everyday life. For me it was walking everywhere, exploring new areas, and eating stuff I was really excited about. I can’t do all of that every day, but I can do a lot of it some days of the week even in my own neighborhood.

      Good luck dealing with all the work stuff!

   2. I think what you are feeling is natural except that there is no reason for you to only eat great food on vacation. A constant stream of leftovers for lunch would make me sad too! What did you eat on vacation that you think you will miss? Fresh fruit with breakfast, croissants, better balsamic vinegar? Identify what’s missing and report back and maybe this board will have suggestions for how to bring the great food home with you.

5. Going to italy in a few weeks (mostly Amalfi coast area) – sandal and sneaker recommendations, anyone? Mostly packing dresses that can be dressed up or down, and realizing that my current sandals and sneakers are not up to the task. TIA!

   (Also welcome any amalfi recommendations!)

   1. They are not the most fashionable/trendy option but I swear by my Allbirds. I walked 10 miles a day in Italy in them with absolutely no issues.

      But whatever you get, buy them now so you can start wearing them in before you leave!

   2. I recently wore the nisolo flat form sandals all around Portugal but I worked hard over the two weeks prior to break them in (wearing everywhere with that magababe stuff, massaging the leather, etc). They were great but would have been painful right out of the box.

   3. No fashion advice, but would love a trip report! I’m going in May.

   4. LOVE Amalfi. Was there this spring. Shoes are tough, but whatever you decide, break them in while at home. I bought these for my cute sandal (read walked but not like 10 miles) days: https://www.kennethcole.com/collections/gentle-souls-women-sandals/products/break-my-heart-3-gs01333le-gold. Have an amazing time!

6. I’m leaving my current firm for my dream job. I won’t start, however, until after the winter holidays (the departure date of the current person I’m taking over for). When do you think I should start informing people at my current position? I am in the relatively small office of a larger firm, which is short staffed at the moment. I’m conscious about not wanting to burn bridges, but I am also not really senior enough to be nonfungible.

   A related concern is that I have been assigned mentors who are my point persons for raising issues with my current firm. They are all very kind. I think that some of these people might be surprised to learn that I am leaving and didn’t do more to raise issues or desires that I had for my career with them. I didn’t involve them at all in my decisionmaking process or confer with them before accepting the offer because it just felt odd to consult people who are effectively my bosses about a different opportunity (this is my first law job, and not at all the norm in my prior career). Part of me feels like I owe these people an explanation for why I’m departing, but another part of me thinks that’s bizarre and that I am overstating my importance as a junior lawyer given that associates seem to leave all the time. Any views?

   1. Three weeks before you start the new job

   2. Honestly I’d just give two weeks notice when the time comes and call it a day. Associates do indeed leave all the time and I promise people will understand.

   3. You don’t owe anyone any explanation but you can go with the trusted, it is an opportunity that I can’t pass up! I would give no less than two weeks and only more if you have to in order to transition your matters. I say two weeks bc you should always be prepared for them to say that the day you give your notice is your last day. Presuming you are in an at will state and without an employment contract.

   4. Two weeks notice. You were right not to discuss leaving with your mentors beforehand.

      If it makes you feel better, I am still on great terms with attorneys from my old firms. I have ongoing friendships/ mentorships with several of them. In fact, many of them have switched jobs since I left. It’s all very normal and expected.

   5. Give your two weeks notice two weeks ahead of when you want to leave. Don’t worry about them being understaffed or not. You have to think about you and if you want a few weeks off to stay home or a few months off to travel Europe or whatever, that comes first with no apologies. As for your mentors, they may be surprised but lets be real law firm people ALWAYS act surprised that any associate EVER wants to leave even when said associate has been loudly voicing concerns. The only times they aren’t surprised are when THEY kick you out. So with the mentors just play it by ear. Go talk to them in person and keep it short – I gave notice and my last day will be x, I’m leaving for another opportunity at ABC which will allow me to do Y which I’m really interested in. Then be quiet and see how they react. Some may ask why and want to discuss your interest in Y and how come you didn’t raise it with the firm, so be prepared. Some as much as they act like mentors really aren’t truly, so once you say you’re done, they could care less, don’t ask questions, belittle the other thing. So if either one acts like that no need to say anything further, just say – just wanted to let you know, thanks, and leave their office.

   6. How much time do you want to have in between jobs? Give your current job two weeks notice before then. Maybe three.

   7. Learn from my mistakes (including just this summer) and don’t give more than 3 weeks notice.

      For a variety of reasons including big projects I was leading, I gave 3 months notice and it sucks. You get pushed out, left out of decisions, and it gets way awkward. It truly does not serve anyone to give too much notice.

      Congrats!!

   8. Two weeks for the last date you intend to work at current job. A lot can happen in the world between now and January. Offers get rescinded from time to time. Not intending to be negative nancy, but protect yourself. You won’t burn bridges – it’s business, and 2 weeks is standard.

      As someone once said to me while considering a similar type dilemma: don’t care about them more than they care about you. Be smart.

   9. Do you want your year end bonus? If so don’t tell a soul until January. (Your start date should be at least 2 weeks after bonuses pay out so you can give appropriate notice after it hits your account.)

      Associates do this all the time. If dream job is either in house or government, the firm will fall all over itself s-cking up to you. Don’t worry about it.

      1. +10000

   10. Two weeks notice unless you have primary case handling responsibility (does not sound like you do). And you definitely do not need to worry about your mentors. I have had many people I have been assigned to mentor leave and over half of them did not say a word about being unhappy in advance.

       I suggest couching this in terms of “you guys are great and I have been very happy here but this is my dream job and I really cannot pass it up; I really need to give it a try”. That avoids burning bridges if the new position does not work out.

   11. OP here — thank you all! You did a lot to relieve a lot of anxiety for a junior person handling something for the first time. I really appreciate this community.

       1. You can work on making sure you assist in an orderly transition without telling anyone ( eg document status, etc ). Agree with two weeks before last working day. If you can swing it financially, take some time off between jobs. So nice to have no work to worry about during that time.

7. Follow up to my laser question from this AM. Y’all have me convinced. Hubs has a crazy high pain tolerance and had different areas lasered so I can’t ask him for advice. I want to go in reverse pain order. Thing that hurts the most first. Underarms, bikini area, upper and lower legs. Which would you do first?

   Hubs said the side of his neck hurt the most which was surprising but apparently there are lots of nerve endings there.

   1. I would do whichever area is the most annoying to shave.

      You can get EMLA numbing cream prescribed. You might even be able to get it from Amazon or someplace without a prescription.

   2. I have a high pain tolerance and thought numbing cream wasn’t needed, but I changed my mind after the first session. I thought the arm pits hurt the most. The numbing cream definitely help. They applied it where I had the laser done, and then I had to wait until it started working (20 mins maybe?). I’m super happy I had the laser done – 10 years later I still never have to shave my arm pits or bikini line. It’s amazing!

      1. Does it hurt more than waxing?

         1. I’m the poster at 3:07 above. I don’t find that waxing hurts at all so for me it definitely hurts more than waxing. It’s a quick and temporary pain though, so I still think it’s worth it. Just get the numbing cream.

   3. I did ankle to armpit all at once (very long sessions!) and found that pain was less area specific and more time of month specific. They have numbing creams you can get a prescription for (I never did), but I’m with another poster that said start with the area most annoying to shave. Just do it. Don’t overthink this. You won’t regret it.

   4. I’ve done everything from the neck down (including actual neck) and never used any sort of numbing. Pain really depended on the specific day and where I was in my cycle, but none of them were bad. I’d probably do multiple areas in each session to get it done faster.

   5. I started with bikini line because that’s the most annoying to shave and sensitive to razor burn. I have had sessions where I did bikini, full leg and underarms all in one shot. The bikini was most painful for me. Underarms were painless and certain spots on my leg were more painful. Thighs were not painful at all because the skin is thicker and calves and shins hurt. I didn’t use any numbing cream and it’s fine.

8. One of my parents is in the process of getting a likely devastating diagnosis, I’m parenting small children in a world that lacks supports, I’m working a high pressure job, and somehow I’m still expected to be able to also be a functioning human who is a good friend and a supportive partner and somebody who exercises and showers.

   My sibling is being amazing and I’m supporting them… I’m not close with this parent and am trying to support the sibling, be a decent human, and support my children through all of this.

   I’m just having a hard time today. Going to work and focusing is hard right now, but I can’t take time off because I know I will likely have to do a lot of caretaking in the next few months.

   And like… last night my husband kind of ragged on me for laying in bed as soon as I put the kids down… and he’s right. I can’t be laying there staring at a wall. I know I need to be exercising and engaging with my therapist and doing about 10,000 other things but… I’m just done lately. Anybody else totally crispy?

   1. YES. I feel you. So sorry you are going through all this. I feel the same way. Different situation but similar levels of stress with family health stuff, no support for parents, a job that feels relentless… some days I think, “I cannot handle one more thing.” And then one more thing happens! And somehow I get through it.

      No real words of wisdom or advice—just hang in there! I hope things get easier for you soon. But FWIW, if what you need is to lay there and stare at a wall, I think you are 100 percent justified.

      1. Yes. It just keeps feeling like ‘one more thing’. Thank you.

   2. Oh man, you’re dealing with so much – of course you’re crispy! (Love that turn of phrase btw.) I don’t think there’s anything wrong, ever, with resting when you’re tired, especially if the must-do’s like taking care of your kids are done. You can fill your own cup tomorrow.

   3. Your husband needs to back off. You can’t just keep going 100 miles per hour or you will break down. You are under a ton of stress and need to rest and process. Exercise and all that is great, but not at the expense of decompression and rest.

   4. Are you kidding me?!?!?! Kick him in the nuts. Rest is okay. Aren’t you the poster with a bundle of kids and he has some stupid job that means he’s gone most of the time. He has some nerve.

      1. +1

         1. Sorry but +2. My husband is also a ‘exercise will cure any depression’ kind of person and after both I and our therapist read him the riot act he backed waaaay off.
            Trust your body – if you need rest, rest! That being said I will suggest that not all rest is created equal. I do have days when I just need to go to bed early and will do that with zero guilt, but if you feel like you have very little energy but want to do something more than scrolling I try to have ‘easy’ books handy – poems, re-reads of childhood books, or other life affirming books – if you want recs you can post for them. Similarly – a super easy yoga for relaxation/bedtime or meditation class might help. I use obe for this type of thing and Francesca has great ones.
            Also – I am so sorry you’re going through this. Even if you’re not close with this parent you may need to spend some time to mourn that you never got a close/loving parent relationship – that’s a real and true loss!

         2. +3

            Clementine, every time you mention your husband in a post here, he comes off as a giant a$$. You are doing the best you can.

            1. I did leave out the part where he’s been running point on all the kids needs, supporting me when I need to leave at the drop of a hat for ill parent, managing our entire household, and giving me space in general. Ironically, he is my person who gives me unconditional support and I think that’s why I was feeling so put out when he (gently) suggested that I shouldn’t just be laying in bed watching TikTok at 8pm.

               He is also probably right that the way to actually feel better is to move my body and to call my therapist and all that… but I can’t explain the soul-level exhaustion I’m feeling.

            2. +1 i don’t normally notice things like this but this is not the first post where he seems mean and unhelpful.

            3. glad to hear that!

               The line between when to give your spouse tough love vs. grace is a hard one, though, and I think he missed the mark on not letting you just rest and sleep instead of “doing something productive.”

            4. Clementine, sometimes I think we live in some sort of parallel spousal universe. I will say when my husband gets on me about something like this it is because he and I both truly know that I’ll feel 100% better and ready to conquer the world (or be tired enough to fall asleep) if I just take a walk around the block/work out/eat the frog/do the one thing instead of doom scrolling.

               That said, sometimes its okay to throw a pity party for one or just mentally check out for the night and tell him to piss off. Maybe if all the kids are settled for the night, it’s time for HIM to head out of the house and exercise.

      2. Yeah, your husband sounds like an a-hole (from this and other posts).

      3. We actually made big changes to help with the stupid job bit and it helped. A lot. (And the changes weren’t just me, it was him making significant change to be able to make our family life saner.)

   5. You don’t need to be doing anything more than you’re doing. What you’re doing is enough. Please give yourself permission to let go of everything but the priorities. And tell your husband that he can be supportive or he can be gone.

      Sending so much empathy and support your way. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

   6. Ouch. Tell him to eff off. He is seriously criticizing you for not exercising?

      1. I didn’t word this well – when I’m having a hard time, what actually makes me feel better is moving my body (exercise or being out in nature), reaching out to my long time therapist (who he has even offered to call for me) or being with my friends. What feels good in the moment but doesn’t help in the long term is me laying in bed doom scrolling (which is what he called me out on).

         Even just reading what I wrote, I’m able to have more perspective – I got my feelings hurt by somebody pointing out what I logically know to be true. I’m so fried I can’t even do the things that are going to make me feel better.

         1. I feel like you’re talking yourself into letting your husband be mean to you.

   7. lol i get in bed after i put my daughter down…. a lot? No shame in my game. Big Job, Active Kid, Life Events… the only me-time I get is at 5am so Mon-Fri, you bet your a s s I’m in my bed at 8:30 with a book or good movie.

   8. Guys, thank you for letting me vent. As an update – I was able to skip out of work a little early and when I got home my husband had dinner all planned and set and told me ‘hey, why don’t you take 20 minutes and just go decompress’.

      I actually poured a favorite cocktail (something I would normally only do on weekends) and am now sitting alone, debating a before dinner shower to decompress.

      Thank you for being here and just letting me scream into the void. I don’t think you all know how many bad days you’ve helped me survive.

   9. If your husband is saying that out of concern for you and want you to exercise, he could’ve put the kids to bed. Otherwise, he needs to let you operate like an adult

9. I’m having a hard time psyching myself up to get back into dating. I never had much luck with online dating—the only real relationships I’ve had were people I met IRL first or setups—but I dutifully went on so many online dates in my late 30s (because it’s a numbers game! right…!?) that went nowhere, mostly because of mutual lack of connection.

   Then the pandemic hit and I turned 40 (that was a fun combination!). Since then, I dabbled in online dating a little in late 2020, mostly going on awkward video dates and doing a couple in-person meetups that ended up totally stressing me out because the guys were way more lax about COVID standards than I was.

   But at this point, if I don’t online date I will absolutely never meet someone. I used to at least work in an office and ride a train every day, not that I made tons of friends in those places, but there was always a chance. I felt noticed and seen by society. Now I WFH 100%, live alone, and work for a company based out of state.

   I spend so much time alone, more than I ever thought possible pre-pandemic. I’ve mostly gotten used to it, but it can feel really lonely and isolating.

   The threads from this morning’s post got me thinking. It’s so easy to see someone else’s relationship problem (the 40-yr-old whose 50-yr-old BF doesn’t necessarily want to move in together/ the woman whose BF drinks more than she’d like) and wonder, could that have been flagged or stopped sooner? Would those who posted about their relationships even have wanted it to?

   And then I realize I’m WAY overthinking this stuff and I need to get out of my own head. I find myself wanting to go into dating trying to plan for every red flag, anticipate every possible problem, scan for all of it by date 3. That’s impossible, and I know that! But I guess I just need help trying to approach dating in a healthy, positive, enthusiastic way.

   At this point all my close friends are married with little kids and in the thick of working/parenting craziness so they are noticeably less available than they were even a few years ago to talk something like this through. So… any tips? Ideas from someone who’s been through this and got themselves back into it?

   1. It sounds like you need a lot more social interaction than you’re getting so what if you looked at dating as a way to get out of the house and fill your social needs? If it turns into something more, GREAT… if not, at least you had a fun night hopefully?

   2. First off, there’s a recent NYMag article by a woman who’s been on Tinder for 10 years that I found hit a lot of chords for me, as someone who spent 7 years online dating before meeting my husband. I won’t say I enjoyed it, but it resonated very much with some (not all) of my experience.

      Second, even if online is your path to dating, you might feel happier if you sought out more opportunities for offline connection. They won’t necessarily lead to dates but you might feel less of that unseen-by-society feeling. I feel like it’s hard to get excited about dating when it’s the only social outlet in your life because it’s carrying to much weight (and a bad date feels so much worse). If friends are in different life stages, maybe this is the time to try a new outdoor activity/house of worship/volunteer program/etc. that will get you out of hte house more?

   3. I can totally relate to this! I was single for most of my life – did not have a real boyfriend until mid-30s and after we broke up, I met my husband. I went on a lot of online dates. I tried to have really low expectations – like try to get one date a month, and then for the date, I tried to think of it as something fun to do instead of staying at home and even if it didn’t work out, I at least had a night out. This low pressure thinking seemed to help me. I feel like you do just have to keep at it and hope you find someone – there is some luck to it. Good luck and keep your head up!

      1. +1

         I have online dated for more than ten years. This is the way to think of it. It’s just a way to meet new people. Zero expectations.

   4. The best online dating advice I have is kind of counterintuitive: don’t go on a billion dates. Wait until someone really sparks your interest. I’ve been in 2 long term relationships from online dating including my now husband and both times I was very excited about meeting them in person (as opposed to the hundreds of “why not” dates I did). With my husband I hadn’t met someone in person for 6 months.

      Good luck!!

      1. Ooh, this is interesting advice and it makes a lot of sense!

10. Planning ahead though this is more a September or October question, anyone know of a pumpkin patch or corn maze type thing in Virginia, ideally N. Virginia though I can drive further out, that they think would be open on weekdays? I’m sitting on a TON of PTO and when we get past the awful summer weather here, we get beautiful falls and I’d love to drive out one day and just spend a day or a few hours at a place like that. Problem is places like that on weekends tend to be absolutely mobbed and you can’t move, so I’d want to go on a weekday on a day schools are open. Also would it be weird for a single woman to do this alone? Not from a safety perspective as I’d go during the day of course, but IDK if I can get any friend to use a day off to go wander a corn maze and and walk a pumpkin patch and pick up pies at the farm stand, yet these are all activities I know are relaxing to me.

    1. Cox Farms.

    2. Cox Farms in Centreville should have one!

    3. I’ve decided nothing is weird as a single person anymore. I just don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m not going to not live life because I haven’t met someone to share it with (and have few friends).

       1. THIS. Objectively I don’t think it’s weird anyway, so go OP. For me I’d imagine a woman walking on a farm by herself on a Tuesday just had that day off and wanted to spend it outside and it’s none of my concern whether she is partnered or not or has kids or not or I’d assume she is scouting out a location for a fall love story for Hallmark channel to film next year.

       2. Amen!

       3. +1
          COVID broke my circle of friends and scattered us to the wind. I can sit at home and feel ashamed about this or go enjoy what my community offers. Enjoy your scenic drive!

          On the off chance the location works, I liked Butler’s Orchard in Olney Md.

    4. On the friend thing–I am married with kids and would love to take a day off to spend outdoors with a friend and not my spouse and kids. So go ahead and ask someone if you want company. You may be surprised.

    5. I can’t remember where we went, but we did a pumpkin patch/orchard/pick your own with friends when we lived in NOVA and it was truly the most gorgeous sparkling blue day. It’s one of my favorite memories from that time. I hope you have great weather for it!

    6. I’ve done this stuff alone! With both my maternity leaves I took some time at the end when the kids had started daycare to have a few weeks to myself (my job gave me 6 months leave so the last month of it j started the kids in daycare part time so they could get used to it and j could…recover). During those times I did quite a few days of picking berries farm / picking flowers farm / visiting the zoo / going to wildflower centers / etc. It was really nice and lovely and I never felt weird or got a second look. I had audiobooks and music at the ready but mainly just really enjoyed it. and I’m pretty sure j wasn’t the only solo lady doing those things either (and that the moms there with kids kinda envied my leisure). Have fun!

    7. Messick’s Farm! They have a great farm stand, a corn maze, pumpkin patch, etc. Weekdays have not been too busy.

11. Honestly, I’m just here to vent – I’m so sick of renting. I’m sick of paying thousands a month (DC) and not being able to save anything while I watch everyone else (it feels like) find partners, shack up, save money, and buy a home. I’m sick of the crappy maintenance and support staff at my new building (just had to move). I definitely thought I would be able to buy by my age. I feel like an old lady who wants to scream “get off my lawn” except…she doesn’t own her lawn.

    1. Hugs it’s tough in east coast and west coast cities. Can you strategize at all? Where do you live now relative to work? Any chance you could move further out to pay less rent and save the difference to use for a down payment? Any chance at getting a job paying more money or some kind of side gig?

    2. I’m with you. It’s honestly exhausting watching seemingly everyone save up while paying like $200/month in rent and half the amount that I pay for everything because they have a partner to split everything with, meanwhile I’m unable to save barely anything because I am paying for everything myself. The singles tax is so real. It’s a huge bummer because I’d love to own my own home by myself, but it seems you need a partner for that in today’s world. Just feels like an unattainable goal at this point. Wish I had advice, but if I did maybe I wouldn’t be posting here also venting about this!

    3. Right there with you. Housing prices in my area have come close to doubling in the last two years, it’s completely ridiculous.

    4. I’m in a similar position. I live outside of Manhattan and rent prices have been skyrocketing. That being said, I’m mid 30’s and I’ve always had a roommate!! I know it sucks to have a roommate at this age but if you really want to save, try finding a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom and splitting the cost. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t split the cost with someone.

    5. PREACH

    6. Last year, I had a sit down, bite the bullet, open conversation with a group of industry peers where we just said, out loud, what we make.

       I think that the “make coffee at home to save” conversation is ridiculous at this point. As women, we face huge pay disparities. Two of the women in that group were making significantly less than the rest of us, and made career decisions to change that.

       Can you talk to your friends about whether or not you’re being paid fairly?

12. I posted a few months ago about our family friends where the husband was recently diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer.

    Things are…okay. He’s been doing chemo but goes in for liver resection soon.

    They have a very good immediate support system- both of their parent sets have been staying with them, they have family across the street to tag in and help with the kids (6&10).

    I have offered my help but I think there isn’t anything I can do that isn’t covered yet on the child front.

    What, if anything, else can I do? I can send another couple of gift cards for meals. I have not asked directly about finances. He is a government contractor and has been on intermittent FMLA at work and she has picked up hours (she’s a freelancer).

    I’m open to any ideas, and also if you have ever been in a situation like this, how should people ask how they can help?

    Thanks so much!!

    1. Rather than gift cards – give them a nice card with a note, and most importantly cash – it doesn’t have to be that much. Tell them to spend it on whatever they want – whether it is a terrible food at the hospital cafeteria, parking, some bad nostalgia movie rental on Amazon, really whatever.

       1. That’s honestly what I was thinking. I was thinking of a pretty decent amount but was worried it could be awkward. Is it awkward? Would it be better if I did it anonymously?

          1. what does ‘decent amount’ mean?

          2. Cancer is an awkward. Cash in the bank to pay the bills (hell…even to pay the medical deductible) is the least of the awkwardness. Give the cash.

       2. personally i disagree. i would feel so awkward giving someone cash and receiving it. idk if there is a meal train, but that. if not, i think more gift cards is a perfect idea. i’m sure her schedule is crazy and i’m not sure how close you are, but could you also take her out for a mani/pedi. even though they have a lot of help, maybe all the adults need a breather and you could invite the kids over to play for a couple of hours? take them to pizza with your kids? and different situation, but as someone who recentlyish lost my mom, the best people are the ones who don’t forget about it a week later, like the people who two months later invited my dad over for a meal, or dropped off some stuff, etc. (in his case money is fortunately not a problem), but just that as this goes on, set reminders in your calendar to check in with them

    2. We went through something similar and the best help I got was neighbors making sure my trash was taken to the street on trash day and brought back in, just helping out with basic routine tasks — so I just didn’t have to think about them. It was truly amazing. Sometimes it is the smallest things that help the most.

13. Dumb Q, but can anyone walk me through your process for deciding where to go on vacation when both dates and location are up in the air? Do you pick a flight first, and from what site? I get research paralysis… thank you!

    1. I pick a general budget, dates, and then think about where I truly want to go. What sparks imagination.

    2. I would pick location first and then choose the dates that work best for that location in terms of crowds and weather.

    3. Oh lord. This happened to me yesterday. I was so overwhelmed and could not decide so I looked at where I could get direct flights from my home airport, checked to make sure tickets weren’t exorbitant, did a quick Airbnb scan of the destination and said YOLO, and booked it.

       1. Yep, exactly this. I do a dry run pricing of both destinations and then pick one.

    4. Sign up for Scott’s Cheap Flights and jump on the first one that interests you! How I got $236 flights to Iceland and $770 to Cape Town!

    5. Maybe someone can suggest a travel agent here? Sounds a good time to tell someone else what you fancy and let them do the hard work! (Sorry no personal recs)

    6. Generally get a sense of where I want to go and when, and then eyeball flights and a quick scan of booking(dot)com for hotels and Airbnb for the area for a sense of price point.

       Like, I like to go to Europe in September or October, and am gradually working my way around my wish list, but whether I choose, say, Florence or Lisbon or Venice or Barcelona for this particular year would depend on that initial research.

    7. I swear by travel agents for helping me make all kinds of travel decisions. I feel like a travel agent would have a good insight into what’s a good tme to go where, and when/where the best deals are.

    8. Sign up to Scott’s Cheap Flights and book the first good deal and is someplace that you want to to where the dates work for your schedule.

    9. Depends!

       You need to set a couple of parameters, and it’s a good idea to know whether flights or accommodation can get scarce.

       Lets say you want to go to Europe from Florida in March or April. Since it’s longhaul, you might want to let flights decide. Look up the calendar view to find the cheapest combo (always include Sunday). Great deal from Orlando to Vienna? Or Amsterdam? Start there, and find accommodation later.

       Let’s say you want to go to LA from Houston. Should be plenty of flights – start with finding a great hotel and airbnb, maybe you want to see a special exhibition or performance, to narrow down dates.

    10. One trick that helps me – narrow the decision down to 2 choices, flip a coin to decide, and observe whether you feel any emotion about the outcome – relief or dismay. That can help you make decisions in all kinds of situations, especially when you’re bogged down with too many details to clearly see the best option.

    11. For family travel, we can only go in December, March and May-August because of my husband who is a college professor. We generally have a routine of doing the Caribbean in winter, Europe in summer. March is more up in the air. We have done both the Caribbean and Europe at that time, as well as domestic trips. I love to travel in fall (it’s a gorgeous time of year in most of the northern hemisphere), but it’s impossible for my husband to take any time off in September, October or November. This year I’m taking my kid on a trip in October and am hoping we’ll be able to keep that up.

        Within those parameters, it depends on flight prices and what specific resorts and attractions have caught my fancy. We fly only United for status and I don’t even check other airlines’ prices. If a destination is too pricey on United, we don’t go at that time. Airline status is very worth it IMO – I get upgraded a lot on North America/Caribbean flights.

14. Going to Ireland the last week of August/first week of September & will be there for work for part of the time. We’ll be in Dublin for work for the first part of the trip & renting a car to visit DH’s extended family and tour western Ireland.

    I have the outfits handled mostly, but shoes are giving me issues. I have sneakers, loafers & heels but no flat booties/boots. I’ve been told I need to bring boots to wear with jeans/casual outfits due to rain & weather but the weather is looking mild & mostly clear. I’m from the south so it’ll still be very hot for quite some time (it’s 104 right now), so the idea of 68 or 70 being considered hot is throwing me for a loop!

    Any advice? What shoe(s) would you pack? What should I absolutely not wear?

    1. Blundstones would be perfect for Ireland. I went in April so can’t comment on September weather, but that’s what I would pack

    2. You do not need special footwear for this. Sneakers will be fine.

    3. I can’t imagine you will need heels in ireland? Even for work? But I could be wrong.

       I’d bring boots or booties that can be dressed up as needed but can survive walking cobblestone streets in rainy or muddy weather. I know you said it looks clear now but I think in Ireland if I recall weather changes on a dime.

    4. I think you need some sort of waterproof/easily drying option but it doesn’t need to be a boot. If you’re ok with your sneakers getting soaked and they dry relatively easily you’ll be fine. Believe it or not, the Disney mom bloggers have great suggestions here – Orlando is a swamp and it rains often so I just picked the washable option under $60 and bought it. I also like Rothy’s for this – if they get soaked they dry well and it won’t ruin them, and they’re crushable/light enough to shove in a bag easily.
       Fwiw I’d also bring a small rain jacket – the Marmot one I have (also from a disney trip) packs down to nothing and kept me surprisngly dry.

    5. I mostly agree that you shouldn’t buy new shoes, but I think you really do want something waterproof. Having wet feet all day is miserable. Waterproof sneakers would be fine, if you have any of those.

    6. If you check back…I was there in May and wore my Golden Gooses mostly in Dublin and had a pair of goretex trail shoes for countryside trips. I can see a where a pair of booties would be great for the city but for anything that may involve a trail you should consider a waterproof hiker/running shoe. My friend found a pair of waterproof sneakers by Vessi that she wore the entire trip with success.

15. On the heels of this morning’s convo about we’ll never be like 2019 again – I had a convo with a futurist who strongly believes that in the next 5 years the entire world will not only be remote but living “virtual reality” lives for work, where you have an avatar in the office. She and other futurists aren’t sure if it’ll be another pandemic, climate change, or war.

    I can see another pandemic, climate change, or war causing disruption in 5 years — but I cannot see virtual reality / avatars / headsets being true in 50 years, let alone 5… I worked with too many old white dudes who refused to learn email.

    Any thoughts? I still feel like 2020-22 is a blip and things will go back to normal in another year or two.

    1. I thought I was WFH for life, but an expectation of using avatars in virtual spaces might be the one thing that would drive me back to the office.

    2. Yeah, I think the tech still needs to get a lot better before the average person will even consider spending significant time in VR. A lot of people will really struggle with motion sickness, headaches, etc. and it’s really hard to overcome those fundamental issues with the way our brains work. I worry a lot about accessibility and equity as these issues don’t affect people equally.

       1. I don’t even understand the point of VR. It’s just an expensive gimmick. It doesn’t create a human connection–it’s more isolating than Zoom.

          1. I’m in academia and I can see it being really useful for education, but I don’t know how easily or fairly it can be implemented.

             1. I work for a university VR lab that collaborates with faculty on VR simulations for the classroom. The lab is more than 15 years old, so this is not a super new thing. The technology is definitely useful especially in certain situations like when you have equipment that is too dangerous or expensive for students to learn on the real thing right away (e.g., airplanes), but I don’t think it’s going to replace traditional teaching any time soon. I have only seen it used to supplement in person instruction, which is pretty logical. I don’t think anyone would want to fly on a plane with a pilot who’d only trained on a VR simulator.

          2. Have you used one of the next-generation headsets? My son has the Steam one and it is amazing; it’s a fully immersive environment. You feel like you are in a completely different place and the objects in the environment around you seem completely real. In some of his games you can “pick up” and manipulate objects; once they work out haptics on gloves, etc. people will be able to have the same tactile experiences they have in the real world. The only problem is they haven’t figured out how to make it work for everyone’s vision or proprioception and so I get nauseous if I have the headset on too long. I would not want to wear it just to be in an “office environment” with my peers (sorry, that’s dumb IMO) but I do believe it is the future and many of the experiences we have IRL are going to be replicated in VR, sooner rather than later.

             1. I think this could be truly wonderful for the disabled who are housebound (I have some experience with cabin fever in this situation).

    3. Things are never going back to normal. We need to focus on moving forward, not backwards.

       Futurists know nothing. We started a strategic foresight project at work shortly before the pandemic. A pandemic was never once mentioned in the development of future scenarios, and certainly no one would have thought that our field could ever have gone remote, much less as quickly as it did. Several other things that nobody thought even remotely possible when we started in 2019 have also come to pass since then (can’t enumerate or it would give away my identity or the project!). All the work we did trying to imagine a future 20 years from now was made completely irrelevant by the past two years. The lesson is that you have to expect the unexpected.

       1. Well, missing the potential for a pandemic was a massive and unforgivable oversight. I don’t know who was part of the project but it doesn’t sound like they were qualified to truly identify the likeliest scenarios. It was not just predictable but predicted, with the date being the only uncertainty.

          1. Yeah I was raised on the idea that we were due for another influenza pandemic. And the close call of SARS-1 happened when I was in college. This is not my area of expertise, but I didn’t have any reason to doubt the experts.

    4. Yeah avatars – no not in my industry of old white men still doing all the hiring and firing. I do think things will go back more towards normal as every year passes if only because we’re hitting a growth slow down and recession. Sure there will be more work from home jobs available forever than pre pandemic and many places will stay hybrid but I also think that we are now swinging back to the pendulum of – if you want to keep your job, you do what your employer says, even if that means only Fridays are WFH.

       Now I think generational shift will make this look different than it would have two decades ago because the current crowd below age 35 just does not care about the prestige jobs on the resume or even the highest money making jobs nearly as much prior generations did. So people will and are quitting jobs that a decade or two ago would be unheard of to leave to do something like a small business, so I don’t think the pendulum ever swings totally back to pre pandemic but I do think it moves in that direction.

       1. I agree with the generational shift but I don’t think it’s necessarily because of the pandemic. I’m a 40 year old lawyer. I grew looking at the baby boomer generation. Most of the lawyers in that generation made really solid upper middle class money and seemed to work more than most people but not around the clock crazy. The lived in nicer homes than they grew up in. I bought the hype that I could work hard and also do that.

          I know that the 22 something’s today grew up watching me and gen ex work like crazy for a middle class lifestyle where the loans aren’t paid and we can’t afford to live where we grew up. What’s the point?

    5. Very, very, very few people would want this.

    6. So I think this is unlikely because the technology we already have (video conferencing) is good enough to meet the need. Even if there is another pandemic, would I derive more value from having an avatar in a virtual office than I do from just…meeting with people on Teams?

       The thing about being a futurist is that you’re disincentivized to say “naw, stuff won’t change that much.” But I think this is kind of like Apple Pay. When it first launched, there were predictions of a massive abandonment of plastic payment cards in fairly short order. That hasn’t happened, because payment cards get the job done pretty well and the incremental improvements associated with mobile wallets aren’t enough to change behavior. I think this is a similar situation.

       I don’t think things are going completely back to how they were pre-pandemic – I think we are going to continue to have many people who spend more of the week working from home – and I strongly doubt that people want work to become more virtual than it is already. When Zuck did the big “Meta” announcement, the #1 thing I heard from people was that post-pandemic the last thing they wanted was to spend MORE time in online.

       1. Exactly. Humans in general do not make major shifts in their behavior and processes. Unless, there is a big benefit to making the change and the cost (speaking broadly in terms of financial, intellectual, emotional, etc.) is low. The technology we currently have meets this need. Getting everyone the equipment, training, internet speeds, etc to make VR a reality in 5 years…very difficult. So the cost/reward tradeoff isn’t there.

    7. Am I the only one who doesn’t know what having an avatar in an office means?

       1. Nope.

          1. Um, I’m assuming I get to be a magical blue creature that flies on some winged creature.

             1. +1. The futurist was James Cameron, wasn’t it?

    8. I do not think that will happen – not because of “old white dudes” who refuse to learn technology (or who are using the fact that they are in a position of power to avoid that task, either for productivity reasons or because it is a power play) – but because human being want and need social connections. If we have learned nothing else from remote education, it is that people suffer when everything goes on line.

       The parts of remote living that saved companies money are going to stay. I suspect the rest will be over in 5 years (sooner if courts rule that employers have to pay utility bills or home office expenses).

    9. Yeah the VR thing sounds bonkers to me.

       I think things are permanently changed as far as workplace expectations around WFH, and that will spill over and affect real estate, but that’s about it. In my area at least (blue-ish city in red state) things are really pretty similar to 2019 other than the fact that many people now WFH. We are at the pretty extreme end of cautious in our social circles, and are back to normal life with masks in most indoor public spaces. Now that our kids are vaccinated, they go to school w/o masks and don’t have to miss school unless they actually have Covid.

    10. That sounds like a futurist’s wet dream more than a likelihood. No one wants this and too few people can grasp the technology (me included) for this to be 5 years away. I also have never seen any realistic prediction that climate change is moving this quickly even though I feel like there is a giant segment of the population that wants it to so they can be mad at other people for being less “ethical”.

        1. The day someone tells me to do my work in the meta-verse is the day I officially burn it all to the ground with the fury of the last two years behind me.

    11. This is all very interesting to me. I work in academia and we have some folks who are very much on the “VR is the future!” train.
        I keep wondering it if it is like telepresence. Did anyone else get sucked in by Cisco, where you set up these elaborate, identical rooms and people can meet and it seems like we are all together? The tech really didn’t take off and we all meet on Teams now and are totally happy with it and it doesn’t require a complete facilities overhaul (and Teams is really just improved Skype).
        I think there is some value to VR and AR, but it’s just like every other tech hype. It will become a part of our lives but not our whole lives and it will change over time. The only way I see it happening is if we actually destroy the planet and all love underground or on the moon or whatever and use it to pretend we didn’t destroy the world.

16. I have acquired a few new blazers this spring in fun colors – grass green tweed, bright pink, violet. Im trying to figure out how to pair them with other things into outfits. None of them look right with black trousers, so I’ve been wearing them with dark trouser jeans – but I’d love to figure out how to level up this outfit. I don’t wear white pants so that’s out. Any suggestions?

    https://lagence.com/products/kenzie-tweed-blazer-blue-bonnet?nosto_source=cmp&nosto=62f2afd2909b152a0a503869

    https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/veronica-beard-miller-dickey-jacket-0400013772111.html

    1. I think jackets like these look great with a bottom in a deeper shade of the same color. So the grass green with a dark green pant, the turquoise with cobalt or navy pants (might need to experiment), and the pink with something in the magenta/burgundy realm.

       1. Agreed! I think the lilac would also look lovely with dove gray and charcoal. Both blazer are really pretty, great picks!

    2. These are so pretty! I bet both would work with gray – light OR dark. And I think navy would work for both too. And a dark pink or even burgundy might actually work as well though it might feel bold. Light blue jeans could be lovely as well, again with both.

    3. Those green Ann Taylor pants from the suit post last week would be good with the pink.

       I would wear the light blue with wine colored trousers and a dark v neck kind of shell — gray/navy/black with good drape.

       Also, look for print blouses that contain the color of the blazer and then do a dove gray kind of pant.

    4. I really donø’t like black and a colour, so I would recommend grey, olive, brown as alternatives. Teal might be good as well, depending on the undertone.

17. Feels like a lot of us (myself included) need to vent. Can we do a venting thread? I’ll start.

    Things I cannot deal with right now but I must:

    The annoying gap between summer camp ending and school starting

    A friend who constantly puts all this spin on her life to make it sound wonderful and keeps texting about it

    A micromanager who dumps her anxieties on the team and takes out her stress on us so we have to walk on eggshells in meetings

    Office politics. Even over zoom. The worst

    1. Roofers doing something awful on our roof for the next two weeks. We both work from home, I have a zoom job interview tomorrow, and this got sprung on us with zero notice as we’re renters and it’s a condo where the construction is managed by the HOA, who feels no need to notify us of anything. The noise is above and beyond what I would expect for roofing. The entire house shakes hard enough I’m shocked that there aren’t cracks forming and the windows breaking. My poor cats are terrified and I have no idea how I’m going to do my interview.

       1. Outside? The neighborhood will have roofing noise generally but it’ll sound louder inside. Car? Though with a car just mention why – I’m sure any interviewer would understand.

          1. Yeah, I’m not sure it will be much better outside or in my car. I’d have to be right next to my house to get wifi- cell service is pretty much nonexistent in my neighborhood and there are yelling guys and constant landscaper noise.

       2. Can you talk to the workers and see if they can pause for 30 minutes? Maybe sweeten it by saying you’ll have some snacks and cold lemonade? They might be really understanding?

          1. If I were the one who hired them, I would definitely do this, but I’m not paying them and they have no incentive to make me happy. I’m pretty sure the powers that be aren’t willing to just let them sit around for a couple hours doing nothing. I also don’t think they speak much English, and they’re not within easy speaking distance (on the roof). I’m currently thinking I might just do the interview from the kitchen, as it’s the only room without the roof immediately overhead and it’s at least enough quieter than it probably can’t be heard on zoom, though still loud enough to be distracting. How do people feel about weird zoom backgrounds these days? Will I get judgement if my kitchen shelves are in the background?

    2. The fact that everyone I know is posting about their glamorous four week European vacations.

       Trying to coach my anxious husband through all the decisions required for our house renovation, which is going on right now

       The fact that the contractor told us we didn’t need to pick appliances until September, but then changed his mind and said he needs them this week

    3. Upstairs neighbor just flooded our apartment AGAIN. Eighth time in 12 years. Running home to see how bad it is this time. Ugh.

    4. I’m sick of every guy I meet in person being married already. Like the poster above, I WFH and live alone, so my in-person interactions are slim. But when I am in public…see a cute guy? Wedding band. Every fucking time.

    5. My bridesmaid, who is getting married next June, is planning a destination wedding that will require everyone to travel for ten days. (Think, going on a safari where you have to buy the entire package and go for the entire time.) I HATE doing anything remotely like “thanks for being there for me at my wedding, but I am now married and a mother so tough luck,” but this is incredibly expensive and will eat up a crazy amount of very limited PTO. It feels beyond awful to nope out, especially since I’m in the wedding party. It feels bad to take a long, special, expensive trip without my family. It feels awful to drag kiddo, who may end up really hating it and is too young to understand why we can’t go home.

       1. Oh hell no. Even I’d find a way to bow out of that one, and I love destination weddings and have no children to worry about. I’ve traveled to foreign countries multiple times for friends’ weddings. But it’s one thing to attend destination wedding where you are only needed for the wedding a few days and can plan your own travel around that and quite another when you have to be there for 10 days.

       2. you are hereby given permission to back out. I assume when she asked you to be in the wedding party, there was no upfront disclosure that “this will require a major vacation to participate.” That expectation is bananas.

       3. Your friend is incredibly selfish. Nope out with no regrets. If you end up not friends, all the better, because this is probably not going to improve over time. Terrible person. Truly terrible. No guilt.

       4. That’s a giant nope. Any reasonable person who plans that kind of wedding will understand that some people can’t make it.

       5. ok this is ridiculous. and i am someone who is generally a super loyal friend. what kind of trip is this, like a cruise? how old is your kid? it is completely different to have someone be a bridemaid in your wedding which perhaps required taking off 0-1 day of work vs. ten days of travel

       6. If you have limited PTO, I would not burn 10 days on a single wedding. What about seeing family, having your own vacation, other weddings, etc?

          Booking an elaborate destination wedding means that some people won’t be able to make it.

       7. Cruise? Antarctica? That is a huge ask for a wedding and I’m fascinated to know where you’re headed! Is there any chance that your friend would be happy to let you bow out? It may be that she’s not envisioning kids on this adventure but felt she had to ask you to be in the wedding party since she was your bridesmaid.

          1. Cruise was my immediate thought. You can fly home early from a cruise so unless she’s getting married on the last day of the cruise it might be possible to not go fro the whole time? But you’d waste a ton of money and I understand not wanting to do that.

       8. Oh heck no. Your friend is not being reasonable.

       9. You 100% don’t have to go, but it’s weird to justify it by thinking your child won’t understand travel.

       10. Is she hopping on the next SpaceX flight to the moon? Because that’s how far you can travel in ten days, lol.

           In all seriousness, I only get ten days of leave a year so on that basis alone I would nope right out of that. And although your friend is objectively unreasonable, I would frame it as “Oh, I’m afraid I can’t make that kind of commitment” if you want to keep it polite and non-confrontational.

       11. Yea hell no! A safari sounds amazing but incredibly expensive! Sounds like the couple wasn’t considerate of their friends/family when they made these plans. I would not hesitate to bail on a 10 day trip with a kid in tow!! That’s absolutely outrageous!

       12. You can bow out. I hear you on not wanting to flake out because you’re longtime married and a mom, but this is not that. It’s not reasonable to expect your wedding guests to take a 10 day vacation at their expense to a destination of their choosing.

    6. We’re booked on-site with clients from now until Thanksgiving, which means largely being subject to either my team’s or the client’s whims for lunch, and the morning sickness is hitting me hard this week. I wanted to not tell anyone at work until I have to, but if I have to smell one more person’s greasy burger I’m gonna have some explaining to do, and there are weeks of this ahead of me. Help.

       1. I’m sure you’re aware if the usual ginger chews and such. I recommend exercise, which will help modulate the effect of the hormones.

    7. I’m in office which I enjoy and where I want to be, but they are building another office tower next to us and on days when they pour the concrete the sound is this weird high-pitched whine that gives me a migraine every time. Today is a concrete day.

    8. Applied for a job with a huge company in May. Interviewed with HR in June. Extensive take home test in July. Two interviews this week that had me psyched–only to find out neither person works with the role in any way or could give me any info about the department. HR sent me a 20+ page PDF to prepare for the interviews. One interviewer didn’t even know what position I was interviewing for. Neither asked me behavioral based questions even though I spent hours preparing.

       Meanwhile I hate current job so much that I feel like a wolf with it’s paw in a trap.

    9. We have a trusted contractor who is slated to do a project for us and we’ve asked to add on a small second project (less than a day’s work, updating the basement windows to allow for egress) so we can finish our basement reno. The basement is going to be where we move all the stuff that is in the bedroom/playroom which the au pair will be using when she comes.

       Well. Things keep getting delayed and now it’s looking like there’s no way we’ll meet our originally planned timeline…. which had a 2 month buffer.

    10. i love WFH but have to go back into the office next week 3 days a week, i have had almost no in-person meetings or presentations in 2+ years and am about to go into my busiest season at work and feel like i’m finally super comfortable with presenting virtually that now i have to relearn how to do things in person

        being voluntold for a work event/presentation this weekend

        DH’s work travel picking back up (him not having travel was the second best thing of the pandemic)

        My daughter who has decided sleeping through the night is overrated and wakes up a ton. WFH has saved me bc I can sleep for an hour once our nanny arrives, but won’t be able to once i return to the office (see above) and i’m incredibly stressed as to how i will function

        being guilted by my parent to fly my whole family halfway across the country for a two hour event (which i am not doing, but i wish i didn’t feel the guilt)

    11. We’ve had so much turnover in my office the past three years that almost everyone who I used to work with has now left – I now work with a bunch of strangers that I’ve never met in person. I’m shy and it takes me a while to warm up to people – hard to do over zoom, so I think I may be past the work friends phase of my life. Since I’m now on mandatory WFH and the other women around here are all SAHMs I’m feeling increasingly lonely and isolated.

    12. Coworker drama is draining. It is somehow worse when they are very clearly in the wrong and everyone including their boss knows and is trying to give them the opportunity to fix the situation. They refuse to hear reason and act totally unaware of just how expendable they are or how thin the ice is under them.

    13. I generally stay on the moms board but I seriously need to vent: Single parent with a rising 6th grader and 4th grader. Their dad – my ex – tells a good sob story about how he wants to be involved with his kids, and that “he doesn’t feel like he knows them anymore.” Meanwhile, he goes one week-long vacations with his girlfriend to the Caribbean (March), lies about where he is spending the holidays (told us he was going to his family in the south only to find out that he stayed local but with his new GF), does not show up to bare minimum appointments (all year) or have any spare clothing for the children when they are with him (8 year old returned home in size 4 under garments after hers got wet playing in the rain). I work full time+, am the sole financial provider to my children, and am trying to help the oldest navigate entering middle school as an autistic child with a chronic health condition. I feel like I am juggling all the balls in the air but soon they are all going to fall down on top of my head. Excuse me while I go scream prior to making a gluten free meal before hopping back online to work for another few hours after they go to bed. And also – why will my child’s pediatrician not accept emailed/faxed standard school forms, thus requiring me to take a few hours out of my work day tomorrow to physically drive the sheet of paper across town and then do the same in a few weeks to retrieve it?!

        1. You can’t get a new ex, but you can get a new pediatrician. Can you switch to someone who will work for you?

           Also, I am rage-filled on your behalf.

           1. I read this comment after quickly reading So Anon’s and I thought her ex’s new GF was her pediatrician! That would be something. But I agree, get a new ped.

        2. If ever there were a night to order GF pizza in, this is it. You deserve a break!

    14. I just spent a fortune on new double glazed windows and my support worker cleaned them with an abrasive and scratched them.

        The bathroom was just remodelled and they tried to hit us up for an extra 15% at the end. I won’t pay it but it’s still ridiculously rude of them. They also did lots of minor damage to the rest of the house during construction.

        The house is incredibly dusty and disorganised from the two above and I’m not physically able to clean it.

        I have to apply for disability insurance through my superannuation and it’s really horrible dealing with all the diagnosis paperwork.

        I really appreciate support workers coming to help but I also hate it: worries about them bringing Covid which would kill me; wearing anything scented like hand sanitiser which causes severe migraines and the energy it takes to be polite and explain what needs doing really drains me.

        Thanks for letting me vent.

    15. I posted on the moms s1te but my 10 year anniversary is this week and my husband just tested positive for Covid so we’ll be spending our anniversary quarantining from each other on separate floors of our house. At least we’re “celebrating” in a very appropriate way for the times and I’m sure we’ll look back at this and say “yup, that sounds like 2022.” And we didn’t have grand plans for a trip or anything, just a date night that can easily be rescheduled. I’m thinking we will need to do it big for #11 though.

    16. My husband keeps putting this lumpy pillow on our bed. It was destroyed by the washer/dryer and is garbage and yet, I throw it off the bed and intend to trash it in the morning and he’s grabbed it and put it back by morning. Why!!!??? (To be clear, we have other pillows).

18. Hi Hive! Non-lawyer here trying to select someone to help with wills and estate planning. What should I be looking for to spot someone good? I have referrals for a few local firms who are potentials but am seeking your advice as to how I could narrow down my list! Price? Fit with the people I interact with at firms? Thanks for your advice!

    1. Don’t over think it? If you have a personal referral and have pricing estimation, just pick one, I’d think. Personal referral for this kind of stuff is paramount for me.

    2. Definitely go to someone who specializes in this area. Don’t go to someone who dabbles in real estate, family law, estates, etc.

19. What’s the best time-tracking software if it’s just for yourself? Hoping to watch what I do over the next 2 months and see if there’s a pattern for my best flow/times for different tasks.

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