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Updated: Aug 9, 2022 312 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Heritage Coastal Cardigan

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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model wears a white knit blazer with fringe details and a textured knit, along with a white crop top and beige cargo pants.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I can’t stop staring at this cardigan from Banana Republic. Is it the intricate knit? The gorgeous fringe? The fact that I owned something very similar in 1997? Hard to say.

I would keep this on the back of my office chair to layer over everything, but if I wanted to create a more intentional outfit, I’d pair it with a more monochromatic look, like the one pictured here.

The sweater is $160 and comes in sizes XS–XL.

For plus sizes, this Vince Camuto cardigan has similar coastal grandmother vibes.

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  2. Anonymous

    Has anyone packed for a 10 night trip in a 40l back pack? I pack light and could def do this in a standard sized carry on wheelie, but this trip is going to be a new city every couple of nights and a ton of public transit and I think a backpack might be easier. (I love my Lo and Sons Catalina but it’s too heavy when fully packed on one shoulder). All the online guides I can find are like “yes no prob pack your hiking pants and shower shoes for the hostel” but I am a nap dress girlie staying in luxury hotels and I wanna look cute.

    • seasoned traveler

      Yup, did 17 nights with same.

      Top tips – if you will be buying a lot of souvenirs, bring clothes that you are willing to donate (can be fun to research and meet up with local organizations to donate).

      Also, consider new clothes AS your souvenir for yourself. I have done this for my last 4 international trips. Wearing those clothes (special woollen knits, or light summery shirts, all made with local materials in local styles) brings me so much joy. And I am not a big fashionista. If you go this route, you are packing much lighter beforehand. If you don’t think you’ll find time to shop for clothes, then let accessories be your “cute” factor. Either pack some of your favorites or plan that as your shopping target.

      Do not buy new clothes just for this trip. Bring those tried and true workhorses. You can look cute in a nap dress, but is it your MOST versatile cute item? For me, it’s a black jumpsuit and a navy jumpsuit (pockets! Can be dressed up or down simply with earrings!) and everything else is more utilitarian. Also, stick with a simple color scheme. If black is too basic, navy might be a good base (pants, skirt or shorts, etc.).

      • Anonymous

        Lol yes my navy blue nap dress has pockets and is my most versitile item of clothing but this is so helpful thank you!!

    • Anon

      If you’re staying in the same place for two nights, you can wash some stuff in your sink and hang dry (like underwear or lightweight dresses and tops) – that would give you a lot more wiggle room. I’d focus on limiting to two footwear items (one you wear and one you pack) and linen or light cotton options that fold easily and don’t take up much space.

      • JB

        I have done two weeks in a carry on and multiple times a week in a standard backpack with medium size purse. I would strongly recommend planning to wash shirts and undies in the sink to reduce what you need to pack. Depending on the weather, some clothes can dry overnight. No one cares or notices that you wear the same neutral shirt multiple times. Figure out your shoe strategy, try to wear one and pack one (cute sandals is my go to) to reduce space constraints. Also consider bringing one of those grocery bags that pack small, because sometimes you are in transit and dont want to wear the bulky clothes. You can do it!

    • Pompom

      Yes, I did this–10 days in Paris and London, 40L frameless Kelty, looked cute the whole time. Ruthlessly make sure everything matches (pick 3 colors, or a packing theme), and pack a few options of shoes so your feet have choices when they are tired, hurt, etc. Travel in your bulkiest stuff. Back a small packable duffle in case it doesn’t all fit on the way home.

    • anon

      Yes I did this for my Spain trip where I city hopped in Andalusia. The key is using the laundromat and rewearing outfits. I packed maybe three pairs of pants, four shirts, and two sets of pj. I wear items a couple of times before they get washed (longer for sleepwear because I don’t sweat at night and it’s just worn indoors), so typically at the half point of the trip.

      • Anon

        It’s sink laundry for me. I’ve done full two weeks with a rollie only using Woolite packets and the hotel room sink.

    • CMS

      I just did 12 days (Switzerland and Italy) in a 45L from Peak Design with a new city every 2 days, all by train. Totally doable, but shoes will be your downfall if you can’t keep it down to say 3 pairs.

      • Anonymous

        For shoes I’m thinking sneakers, flip flops, and one pair of decent looking sandals. (SE Asia). Planning to wear sneakers basically always with flip flops for pool and nice sandals for dinners and teas.

    • Anonymous

      When are you going, and what kind of weather do you expect? I’m recently back from vacation in Spain and clothes got gross super fast, because it was so hot and dusty. If you can’t do laundry, you might need more options than a backpack will allow.

    • Deedee

      Yes, I’ve done up to 2 weeks in your travel style from a 40L and a personal item sized tote (this wasn’t full). Shoes are the biggest space saver. Consider bringing only two pairs, or, if you must have a third, make that third the flattest (while still being comfortable) sandals or flats you own. Wear your chunkiest shoes/jeans on the plane, but do make sure that they can fit inside your bag for city switchovers.

      I take pics on vacation so refuse to totally throw out my beauty routine, but do your darn best to minimize items. For example, my hair is easy to manage, so I make do with hotel shampoo/condition in favor of preserving my skincare routine. 1 oz and smaller containers go a long way and I also like to use contact cases for things I only need a small amount of (decant foundation, acne spot treatment, etc.). I have a travel toothbrush, hairbrush, floss, razor, floss, etc. so everything is minimized in terms of space and weight.

      If you have access to laundry at any point, plan only 5 outfits and wash midway. I 100% agree EVERYTHING must match, but I do like to think about having a variety of colors near my face (including maybe a scarf or necklace) so that pics of me smiling in front of various tourist attractions look like they were taken in different outfits!

      Have fun!

    • Packing cubes!

      I do this all the time and highly recommend compression packing cubes. One cube is for tops, one for bottoms, one for underwear, etc. It not only saves a bunch of space, but makes it really easy to just pull out the cube you need at any given moment and makes repacking each day a breeze.

      • Senior Attorney

        Just beware of how much your backpack ends up weighing if you do this. I did it once and was so pleased that I could fit so many clothes in my backpack with the help of packing cubes. Well. The backpack ended up being VERY HEAVY and that was a problem.

    • Anonymous

      It’s going to be hard on your back and shoulders to carry that much weight all over the place. I’d bring a small rolling bag – not standard sized carry on – and a regular sized backpack. Organize with packing cubes and plan outfits ahead so you can get dressed out of your backpack when you’re going to stop at a place for only one night.

    • Anonymous

      I have packed in a Cotopaxi backpack that fully unzips like a suitcase for 5 days. I’m a pretty light packer and think if I was strategic and planned to rewear things I could definitely do 10… but also that all of my friends think Im crazy for doing so

    • Ribena

      Yes! Easy in the summer because dresses need less laundry than jeans (for me anyway). If you can get in the habit of doing a quick hotel sink wash whenever you get to the next city that really helps.

      • PolyD

        Wut? I could wear jeans for several days (granted, I do not wear them in the summer) but dresses would get one, maybe 2 wears depending on the heat.

        • Ribena

          We are all different! I can wear a nap dress style dress for 3-4 wears between washes but I need to wash my jeans after every wear if it’s warm or I’m doing a lot of walking. I sweat much less from my armpits than I do from the rest of my body…

          • Anonymous

            Same for me. A loose sleeveless dress is going to get less icky than close-fitting jeans.

    • Anonymous

      Based on another comment it seems you’re going to SE Asia. Ask around to see if you can find a laundry service. I had my laundry done in Malaysia while traveling a few years ago and paid something like $4 per load for wash/dry/fold, but it was a tiny little place that my hostel told me about – doubt it would have shown up on any kind of online search.

  3. teasdale

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months. I’m 40, he’s 50. Normally we spend the weekend and 1-2 week nights together, and talk often when apart. It’s been fantastic.

    We had a relationship check-in last night: both said we’re very happy, no concerns. I asked his thoughts about moving in together, and he said he wasn’t ready…and wasn’t sure when/ if he ever would be. He says he loves me and being with me, but also needs time alone and doesn’t have an innate desire for living together or being married. He’s happy with how things are and “gun shy” about changing a status quo that’s working, but willing to discuss and consider. He suggested that for a start we spend an extra night together each week. Obviously we both agreed we need to start talking more about our expectations! I was surprised at his POV, given how well our relationship has been progressing, though admittedly he’s never lived with a partner before, even during his (long-distance) marriage.

    Well, I’ve always assumed I’d eventually get married and live with a partner, when I found the right one. My family sucks so I’ve wanted a partner who’d become my family, though no interest in kids or an otherwise traditional life. So my initial reaction was not hopeful.

    But when I step back and practically consider the needs I hope to have met by a partnership, he’s meeting them all today, other than the abstract idea and security of being able to say “I am married.” He’s everything I’ve wanted in a partner: kind, reliable, loving, emotionally available and supportive, competent adult, equal relationship partner. I’m at all his family vacations, holidays, social plans, consulted about every decision in his life. He makes me so happy, and until this we’ve never had a bad moment. For right now, I don’t even feel a need for different living arrangements or to spend more time with him…I’m very independent and content living alone. I’m questioning whether living together and marriage are really a need that’s worth ending a great relationship to search for, or just another traditional idea I’ve internalized as necessary and expected without really assessing if that’s true.

    I can’t decide if I’d be an idiot to break it off, or an idiot to keep dating. I feel so stuck, and my BFF has a newborn so isn’t around to talk it through. Thanks for reading this long novel and for any thoughts.

    • Anne-on

      I think this sounds like a great thing to discuss in a therapy session or two. Fwiw, I’m married with a kid and I think my dream housing scenario (where money is no object) is two separate apartments in the same building or houses next to each other. This is basically how many super wealthy/famous people seem to live – huge houses with wings to themselves or multiple residences. Not living together on its own is not a huge red flag to me as long as you’re both on the same page and ok with it?
      With all that being said – I have a few friends who are estate lawyers and one who specalized in ‘duplicating’ the rights marriage offers for people who moved to her red state from a blue state before gay marriage was legal. Long story short – it is expensive, time consuming, and difficult to try to recreate the benefits marriage offers and even with the best documents hospitals&families can and often do fight the agreements to not allow you to see your partner in emergency situations or try to fight wills/estates. If you truly want to be partnered long term I’d discuss those issues and see where you both land. Good luck!

      • teasdale

        Thanks, Anne-on (and seriously thanks for reading my giant post). I assume you specifically meant couples therapy? Individual might not be bad either, though don’t current have a therapist.

        I honestly would be very happy to be married/partnered but in next-door apartments or something like that…he’s not the only one who’s lived alone for a long time! Only issue is that we live in a VHCOL where you can live so much better if you pool your incomes for housing…but that’s not the end of the world.

        And I would have concerns about those legal issues also.

        • anon

          If you live in a VHCOL place – do you have the option to live in two apartments or condos in the same building? I know of a few NYC couples who do something similar – all met later in life and do not have children together.

        • Anne-on

          I would say therapy for you. I have a fantastic friend your age who is also unmarried and doesn’t want kids. Guys tend to think ‘great! no pressure for kids or marriage!’ and it’s all super fun and happy for 6-9 months but them falls apart because she DOES want a partner/husband (though not kids) while those guys are totally comfortable being fun great boyfriends and don’t understand/want to commit long term (often they are divorced dads who ‘did’ the kids and marriage thing once and are not interested in doing it again). If you’re ok with that, great! But don’t twist yourself into knots trying to be ok with what your partner wants if its not what you really want.

      • Monday

        I agree on both the benefits of living separately and the benefits of being legally married. OP, it’s great that you’re both willing to consider and compromise, and you’re making sure to tune into what you want rather than what you’re expected to do. Maybe it turns out that you move toward marriage while maintaining separate homes.

      • Anon

        +1 to all this. I’m married with a kid but my husband and I have separate bedrooms and bathrooms and if money were no object I would love for us to have two houses. I NEED my own space, it’s not a reflection of my love for the person. But I also feel strongly about having the benefits of legal marriage.

    • Anon

      Best guess: he’s a confirmed bachelor and a serial monogamist. If you’re up for dating for a while – months or years – and then it ends, go for it. If you want someone who will at least really try to make a go at “til death do us part,” keep looking.

      • Senior Attorney

        That was my thought. I feel like what he really wants is an escape valve.

      • Anon

        Completely agree. I have seen it play out in real life, with people I know. OP’s boyfriend may, in fact, end up committing to someone at some point but it won’t be OP. If she can stay in for whatever short-term benefits she can realize out of the situation, great. Expecting anything long-term – even a long-term relationship where they live separately – is probably a mistake. The person I am thinking of that I know who espouses the same perspectives as OP’s boyfriend is, in fact, just flat-out not interested in long-term commitment of any kind. But he talks a great game that makes it seem otherwise.

    • Nora

      I’m usually in the “want to actually be married” camp but this sounds lovely. One of the relationships Im really admiring right now a former professor, probably in her early 70s, who has had the same boyfriend for over 15 years. She’s gone sky diving with him, goes to his (actually interesting) work conference every year, travels, goes to concerts, etc etc – it seems pretty ideal.

      • No Face

        This relationship sounds great for some people. The main question is, what if one person is no longer able to do those fun activities? Are you still a couple, caring for each other? It sounds like OP wants a forever person and she doesn’t know what her boyfriend wants.

        • Nora

          They may be, I don’t know the details of my former professors love life! But its not like they only meet up for trips or big things – they do spend substantive time together.

    • Anon

      Don’t compromise what you want. Tbh, it sounds like you might as well already be married, so the fact that he doesn’t want to commit is a red flag.

    • Lily

      Would he be open to getting married but continuing to maintain separate apartments/houses? Sounds like that may give you each what you really want.

    • Anon

      I think a large part of this decision is how long does he foresee bopping along like this. At 18 mths not moving in sounds very normal. But do you want to be 50 with a 60 yr old 10 yr boyfriend who still have separate homes?

      And more realistically, will you be resentful if he’ll ask you to move in only when he needs a caregiver since he’s 10 yrs older.

    • Anonymous

      I’m married with 3 young kids, and if kids are part of your calculus at all I would say dump him and move on. But it sounds like they are not.

      Anecdata: my parents divorced after 20 years of marriage. Both have long term partners, neither has any desire (that I can tell) to remarry.

      My dad owns his own home but effectively moved in with his partner. He sleeps there all the time, his clothes are stored mostly there. However, it’s 99% her furniture and home. When we visit, we sleep at his house- this is largely practical for space reasons. They now live in the same neighborhood because his partner bought a home a few blocks over in my dad’s oceanside community after they’d been together for a while. his partner is a widow and her kids were fairly young when her husband died- late teens/early 20s. She has no desire to remarry. My dad probably would remarry just to make things neat and tidy but it extremely happy with his current setup.

      My mom lives alone and has a long term boyfriend that lives in the same town. I think he would marry and move in with her but I don’t think she wants to combine households. He’s got limited family and my mom is pretty set in her ways at 65. I can see them moving to the same retirement community and either living next door or together at that point, but not before then.

    • anon

      It is normal to want to find family with a partner and marriage is how our society typically evidences the formation by partners of a new family. Yes, it’s tradition, but traditions are powerful – they’re not empty things, but rather conventions that shape and are shaped by our personal expectations and by societal ones. It’s very normal and okay for the conversation you just had to be upsetting to you.

      Have you all had a conversation about what the long-term looks for you previously, or was this the first one? If you want to be family with him, I think the key question you need to get at is whether he wants to be family to you. Being family means (in part) being willing to sacrifice for each other and to shape your lives as a unit rather than as atomized individuals. I think you probably need to dig into whether this is about not wanting to share space or whether it’s about not being willing to share lives because sharing lives means giving up some degree of autonomy and independence.

      Some thought experiments might be helpful: what would you want him to do if you got a job offer and were going to move permanently to another state? Do you think he would be on the same page about your desired outcome? Do you think he would consult with you if he were offered a job in another state and was going to move permanently? Would you want him to? If you were seriously ill would he care for you for an extended period? Basically: does he view you two as a unit, or no?

      And btw, I’m very pro independence in marriage, but even marriages with a high degree of partner independence involve some degree of mutual sacrifice and mutual planning. Marriage is not necessary to having that kind of relationship, but I think the question you need to be very clearheaded about is whether he doesn’t want marriage, or he doesn’t want that kind of relationship.

      • No Face

        Excellent comment. Some people want full life partners, married or not, and other people don’t. Decide what you want, and then do the hard thing of finding out how your boyfriend really feels.

        • Anne-on

          +1 – I suggest therapy (or heck even just journaling) to figure out what YOU want, and then talk to him to see if he’s able to get on the same page.

      • Anon

        Lots of good points here on the optimistic side. I’m very pro independence in a relationship and also childfree by choice, which are both factors that can lead to thinking a relationship is working better than it really is. I read this and my heart sank for you OP because I think this is one of those classic, you’re more into it than he is situations. I spent a long time in similar relationships trying to convince myself that it was okay because I was independent to accept less from a partner. I’m very glad I went to therapy and got over that POV. It’s okay to want more, a real connection with someone who is your family. I broke up with my version of your 50 year old, took a few more years of dating and found exactly that – my person who also was looking to form a family of two. I would say the painful goodbye here in your shoes, even though it’s hard and there are good things there.

        • teasdale

          Thanks. Up to this point I have not felt like he wants it less than I do…he’s been such a good and enthusiastic partner so far. Of course this conversation yesterday throws some doubt on things. And agreed, I have been in previous relationships where I’ve been like “I don’t want kids, I’m independent, I can deal with X bump in the road in my relationship…” but until yesterday didn’t think it was a possibility that this was the case in my current relationship.

      • teasdale

        Thank you, these are all great points to think about and discuss, which get at the heart of the issue.

        We discussed long-term stuff right when we first met (e.g., do you want kids, major compatibility stuff), but not seriously since then, and maybe not in detail. Now I’m kicking myself for not going there a little sooner, but things have been going well and progressing, and I’m not on a schedule for when things must happen.

      • Walnut

        “If you were seriously ill would he care for you for an extended period?”

        This is a really good scenario to walk through. Especially the yucky parts – colon cancer left me with a temporary ileostomy and I feel like my husband and I leveled up while learning to deal with literal sh!t in all of the worst, least convenient and unexpected ways.

        • Anonymous

          Given the age difference, I think the more likely scenario is that OP spends years caring for the dude, then at the end gets pushed aside by his kids because she has no legal rights and is shut out of end-of-life decision-making and mourning. No thank you.

          • teasdale

            FWIW he doesn’t have kids! And his family loves me, I don’t see this as my top concern at the moment.

          • anon

            It is nice that they welcome and love you, but you should still be concerned. It doesn’t matter if he has kids – his second cousin will have more rights than you do in that scenario if they are his closest surviving kin. You should also keep in mind that the family that is alive 30 years from now may be very different than the one you are so close to today.

            When we studied estate law in law school, I always wondered about the people who try to get dying folks to sign over their houses. It turns out a member of my immediate family is in that camp, and tried it. You just don’t know who people are until the chips are down. Without spousal rights, you should be prepared to be on the losing end of any fight over end of life care or inheritances.

    • Anonymous

      Think of George Clooney. He said he would never get married ever, ever. Then he meets Amal and bang. married with twins.

      You should consider the possibility that BF is just not that committed to YOU. He is keeping his options open.
      Someone who truly loves you would not lose you over not wanting to get married. Right now he has all the benefits and none of the responsibilities of being married. Seems selfish to me.

      • Anon

        I think the George Clooney comparison is a little unfair. I really doubt George was this committed to his pre-Amal girlfriends. I don’t think he was a horrible boyfriend necessarily, but I doubt he was bringing them home to his parents and consulting them about every decision in his life. But I’m pretty sympathetic to the “why mess with a good thing” stance for older people who don’t want kids. A 35 year old who wants kids but isn’t ready to get married is a very different story.

      • teasdale

        Regarding not losing me over not wanting to get married…when it comes down to it, he might change his mind if I said I’d break up with him. My guess without having discussed is that he’s more afraid of messing up a good, known thing and not truly opposed. But I don’t want to ultimatum him into it.

      • Anonymous

        Amal is a special case though – I’m sure you’re amazing but she basically is the bikini model/neurosurgeon/Cool Girl that these kinds of guys are holding out for.

    • Shananana

      Stepping in to say, also 40, also no desire for kids, and in the last year have come to the understanding that what I want is essentially where your boyfriend is. I’ve lived alone for a decade now, I have my routines, my space, I work full time from home, and at this point, integrating another person into that feels so so hard. I won’t say never, but I will say if I were to live with someone at this point it would be the ultimate baby step into it before I would be okay with it. So from my side, what you have is what I am looking for.

      I think some solid convos and writing for yourself around what do I want, vs what do I think I should want is a good direction for you. Are there things that are easier married? Absolutely there are. And there is no one saying if you don’t move in together or get married 2 years in you can never ever do it. That said as someone currently renovating my second home i purchased alone watching my sister and friend do the same with their spouses, I’m gonna say there are also things way easier when you can do them yourself!

      • Anon

        Same. I think “adjoining townhouses” is about as close as I want to be to living with someone.

    • Panda Bear

      I can understand where you are both coming from. Having been married for 7 years to a man I love (but whose messy habits often drive me CRAZY) I often wish we had kept separate homes. Eventually, I’d love to convince home that we need a duplex or two family – and he’s not allowed into my side with his dirty shoes. On the other hand, living together and getting married was important to me, and I was the one who advocated for it. He would have been fine without it, and in retrospect, I think I would have been too. Or at least, fine with getting married but not sharing a home!

    • Allie

      I know of very successful long-term NYC marriages where the couple maintains separate apartments but they are legally married. Maybe explore that combo further with your bf? Could certainly do a pre-nup but I can understand wanting someone to promise to care for you for life.

    • Anonymous

      Really good thoughts here. One of the nice things about being partnered is the ability to pool resources. It’s much cheaper for 2 people to live together than separate, so you’re leaving a lot of money on the table by living separately. Even though you can afford it, I personally would be pretty resentful if someone was causing me to miss out on significant savings and investment. You might want to run some numbers and see if you’re comfortable with the financial cost of this arrangement.

      • Anon

        I’d counter this approach with the need to then “downgrade” your savings or lifestyle if eventually the relationship went south. I’ve stayed in a relationship too long simply because we lived together; the increased cost of an independent life on my terms was a significant factor. Life’s too short for that BS.

    • Explorette

      I’m not picking up from this that he isn’t committed to you. Oddly enough my friend and I were just talking about this type of scenario. For both of us, our ideal scenario is having a committed partner and not living together. I need my own space and ability to control when I spend time with people. Even with my wonderful partner!
      You have already identified that you need to determine if marriage and living together is a must for you, or just an presumption that you have never challenged. What more will you get out of the relationship if you live together? Is it so important that it’s worth moving on for?

      • teasdale

        Up to this point I’ve felt like he is very committed to me and our relationship, both in words and in actions (though I understand where the commenters that believe otherwise are coming from and can’t rule out that I’m wrong). Why would he always go the extra mile to make me feel so much part of things with his family and friends and his own life if he wasn’t committed?

        I think as some people above have articulated well, it’s a question of whether he wants to be a committed partner who doesn’t share a living space, or if he really is looking to avoid commitment (or commitment with me).

    • Anon

      I think you have to figure out whether your issue is wanting the social standing of being a married person (whatever that means to you) or the security of being a married person. I don’t think the security is anything to laugh off. Your spouse is your legal next of kin, they’re your designated representative in case of a medical emergency, you can hold property as community property which is a big advantage if one of you passes away… there’s a long list of reasons legal marriage makes sense, and why I as a hetero person fought to hard to make it legal for gay people.

      If that is really important to you, then you now know you’re with a person who is not going to give it to you. If you’re truly happy without all of that then carry on. But don’t carry on hoping he will secretly change his mind someday.

      • teasdale

        Interesting comment…there is something to the “social standing” aspect of being a married person, too. And
        I need to understand how he feels about those legal security things also. Thanks.

    • Janey

      I think it’s fine for couples to live separately, especially if it works for both of them. My dad was a longtime bachelor (single at 50 when he met my stepmom). They lived together for awhile and it didn’t really work. They each got separate houses but stayed married, and it seemed to work a lot better for both of them. I think sometimes when you’re dealing with an “old dog,” the new trick of sharing a home with a partner is really hard. Families can look all different ways; he can be your family even if you don’t live together.

    • anon

      I think this person seems to really care about you and is committed to being your boyfriend. However, he’s not committed to the two of you being a family unit. Which is totally ok, but does not seem to be what you want. Bringing you around his family, spending nights together, getting input on life decisions just isn’t the same as making the decision that the two of you are one family unit – for finances, for emergencies, etc. He sees two separate family units consisting of one person each who interact very well with each other. Only you can decide if you’re ok with that.

    • Anonymous

      Read a little about “Living apart together” relationships, and see how it resonates with you. It’s a common thing, and not at all odd.

      I disagree with the commenters that says that his preferring to live apart is a sign that he’s not serious about you. Sure, it’s possible, but it’s also possible he wants to be seriously committed to you and living apart for the next 30 years.

      But even though it’s common and normal, that doesn’t mean that it’s for you! Only you can tell. Agree with posters above that how to handle the legal parts of serious partnership should be a priority.

  4. Anonymous

    I know this comes from my general anxiety, but I feel like the past few years I’ve been seeing so many posts/videos on social media about people on holiday abroad rescuing stray animals and bringing them home. I’ve always felt sad on holiday when you see stray cats and dogs, and now we are going abroad for the first time in a few years and I slightly dread the thought of seeing them. I’d also really love to visit Asia but worry about seeing cats/dogs sold for food. In reality I’m aware that strays exist everywhere and my own pets are rescues plus I donate to various shelters, but all these posts on people rescuing animals and bringing them home makes me feel like I’m a bad person for walking past stray animals on holiday. Last time we went to Italy though it was clear for example that plenty of locals put out food for any cats we saw etc.

      • Anon

        Yeah I don’t pretend to myself that my indoor American housecats have a better quality of life than a Mediterranean neighborhood cat.

        Better veterinary care, longer lifespan, probably. But quality of life? I doubt it. It is really, really hard to provide indoor enrichment that competes with all the same perks that make me want to spend a bunch of time outside and idle in Italy.

    • Cb

      You definitely need to work on your social media algorithm if you are seeing loads of these animal rescue videos. For the resources required to transport a stray home, you could fund quite a few animals in the country where you are visiting. I’d identify a good charity in your host country and focus your efforts on that.

    • anon

      It’s an unfortunate reality that even domestic animals many people consider family (cats and dogs primarily) are treated horrendously in other cultures (of course, it happens here too, but we have a safety net in the form of shelters, foster programs, and even humane enforcement officers). Just as you may not want to travel somewhere where you will surely witness abject poverty, I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to travel somewhere where there is an abundance of stray, hungry dogs/cats. Also important to remember that livestock are treated horrendously in this country in the form of factory farming (also present in other countries, but the U.S. takes the cake because of our insatiable appetite for meat at cheap prices, ugh).

      Something you could do if you wanted to assuage your guilt is carry around some dog treats (or if you have a car in the foreign country, even a large bag of dog food) that you can give out. You may not have a big impact on a dog’s life, but you can give him a nice meal and go on your way having made the world a tiny bit better. Of course, this can be difficult if there is a hoard of dogs to feed, YMMV.

    • anon

      “I’d also really love to visit Asia but worry about seeing cats/dogs sold for food”
      You won’t be seeing this unless you go looking for it. Not a widespread practice as commonly believed.

      See a therapist for your anxiety.

      • Anon

        Yeah, I’m a vegan with several rescue pets who also donates to shelters, and this level of anxiety definitely isn’t normal. Please try to get treatment for this- your suffering doesn’t do anything to help suffering animals, and don’t even get me started on people who rescue animals from abroad. There are so many more effective ways to help animals.

        • Anonymous

          We rescued from abroad because we wanted a Golden Retriever mix and that was the only way to get a rescued one because people in the States just do not surrender Goldens. For Very Good Reasons we are only comfortable having Goldens, so if we hadn’t rescued from abroad then we would not have adopted any dog. I don’t see why that’s so bad.

          • Anonymous

            Huh? I have rescued two Golden Retriever mixes and wasn’t looking fir anything breed specific and there is a Golden Retriever rescue org in my city. Also very curious what the Very Good Reasons to limit your home to this breed could be.

          • Anonymous

            The Golden Retriever rescue in our area only had dogs from Turkey and China. Now they have virtually no dogs because of the import ban.

          • Annony

            That’s not true. People in the US surrender golden retrievers all the time. Signed, A long-time volunteer/foster for a golden retriever rescue org

    • cat socks

      You’re not a bad person for not recuing a stray animal while you’re abroad. I’m a huge animal lover and all my cats are rescues. I get really sad when I see stray animals abroad, but I know it’s not feasible to save them all. I feel bad for the ones I can’t save back home.

      Check out Kitten Lady on IG. A while back she went to Europe and met with different shelters and rescue orgs over there. It was very interesting to see how things are done in different countries and there are lots of good groups taking care of animals.

    • Anonymous

      Rather than focus on reassuring yourself regarding the place your anxiety is landing, is there something you can do about the anxiety itself?

      • Anon

        +100

        This concern is really strange to me. Of course you’re not a bad person for not jumping through an insane amount of hoops to organize an international rescue, especially when the amount of money and effort involved in organizing that would be MUCH better spent closer to home. Please get help for your anxiety.

    • Cat

      social media is an echo chamber. The more you watch videos about rescues, the more you’ll be shown. The vast majority of tourists do not interact with strays whatsoever.

      • Anon

        Exactly. I never see these things in my social media feed. Just know that you’re being a targeted by artificial intelligence and algorithms that may be giving you a distorted view of reality.

    • No Face

      I’ve never heard of people taking strays home after a vacation. Seems like a weird white savior thing to me. Why wouldn’t you just donate to organizations doing the work there? And then support the many strays in your hometown?

      • anon

        The person I knew who did it was not white and was visiting family in her parents’ home country, but it was definitely in the white savior vein despite being a non-white person who did it, if that makes sense. And there was soooooooooo much instagramming, right up until the point at which she had to give up the dog because she wasn’t prepared to deal with its behavioral issues.

      • Anonymous

        The CDC has banned dog imports from most countries due to concerns over falsified rabies vaccination records. You can’t just rescue a dog abroad and bring it home.

        Prior to the imposition of the ban, rescue organizations did import abandoned dogs from Turkey and condemned dogs from China to be family pets in North America. We have a “Turkey dog,” a Golden Retriever mix rescued from Istanbul in 2019.

    • Anonymous

      As someone who is Asian and spent a decade growing up in Asia:
      1) most people do not eat stray dogs or cats today. it’s considered old fashioned and disgusting.
      2) unless you go really off the beaten path, you generally will not interact with strays as a tourist. it’s usually in the less developed and rural areas.
      3) also, a lot of westerners forget that in many cultures, dogs were traditionally considered unclean (and calling someone a dog is a severe insult), which is part of the reason why there used to be a lot of stray dogs since the dogs weren’t being used for farm work anymore.
      4) you are not a bad person walking past strays in a foreign country. this is not your fight. i actually despise foreigners “saving” strays because they want to present themselves as a white savior and not understanding cultural nuances.
      5) there’s been a bigger push to spay or neuter strays in recent years, but it costs money and time that a lot of these countries don’t have.

    • anon

      My sibling got his dog because someone who did exactly that (brought stray dog home from abroad) realized they couldn’t deal with the challenge of socializing an aggressive adolescent dog that was used to fighting for food and safety on the streets. She’s a great dog now but it took a massive amount of time and money to get her there. While there will always be individual cases where rescuing a dog abroad is the right call, I suspect there are many, many situations like the one that led to my brother getting his pup. If you go overseas and are concerned about what you see, take some time to learn about local animal rescues, donate to one of them, and also consider whether you are displacing anxiety about other matters onto this issue.

    • DallasAnon

      this is not directly related to your animal concerns but in the neighborhood and how I dealt with similar concerns. I travel regularly in central and south america and would regularly interact with people seeking food or money. I could never tell if they were really in need or if they were being run by some sort of racket. You hear so many horror stories. Now before I travel, I do research on a good charity supporting the impoverished where I am going and make a donation ahead of time which gives me more strength to not give to people on the streets.

  5. Iceland

    Hive travel agent request!

    I am headed to Iceland late September and am hoping to get some must dos from the hive. I don’t care about food and have an apt where I will be doing most of my own meal prep so my focus is more on experiences. I will be based out of Reykjavík and will have a car. I am active and enjoy the cold :)

    Thanks in advance!

    • Anonymous

      Jökulsárlón Lagoon was amazing, generally the south coast loop and golden circle are good itinerary’s. People say the Blue Lagoon is too touristy but I enjoyed it, book in advance and I had a massage in the water which was a fun experience. The hot dogs from service stations are excellent and we found a supermarket near the airport which was handy for stocking up on fruit/cereal bars etc for the car as it was long drives with little access to shops. It’s extremely windy but an amazing place! English is spoken by everyone. If you are looking for wool souvenirs make sure and ask if it’s made in Iceland, a lot of wool is shipped to China and products then sent back to Iceland.

    • anon

      I spent an amazing day just driving along the south coast all the way to Vik and turning off on every interesting-looking road or sign for a natural attraction. I saw tons of gorgeous little farms, waterfalls that weren’t thronged with people, glaciers, etc.

      In Reykjavik, I really recommend hopping the 10-minute ferry to the island of Videy in the harbor. It’s got some cool landscape art installations and you can happily spend a few hours wandering the paths and exploring. It was very empty when I went and really lovely.

    • Anonymous

      Did a glacier hike which was phenomenal, and the glaciers are disappearing so quickly you might not have that chance in the future. Walking around Reykjavík is lovely and I actually think the golden circle tour is quite good. And the blue lagoon. They are really set up for tourists in a way that doesn’t feel touristy, if that makes sense

  6. Laser hair removal

    Best laser hair removal options in the Bay Area outer East Bay (Lafayette, willing to drive up to 30 mins)? I’m looking for bikini line only and am definitely willing to pay for a safe, reputable place. Is it important for it to be performed by a dermatologist? Any ideas how much this might cost? I’ll get quotes when I have a few names to go on. TIA!

    • Anon

      No, but hello fellow Lafayette-er!
      (Incidentally, I am also interested in the answers you hopefully get).

        • anon

          For the City, I had my laser done at Urban Allure (about 10 years ago) and had a great experience. I thought they were top notch.

    • Anonymous

      I had it done at Encore in downtown Walnut Creek. I was particular about choosing a place because I have darker skin which is/was trickier at the time.

      I still go there for other treatments and have been happy with them.

    • In-House in Houston

      I did it in Houston on my upper lip and chin. I think I got 6 treatment for $500. But wow…it hurt like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I know that the upper lip can be very sensitive, so if you’re looking to laser a different area, YMMV, but make sure you go into it know how much it’s going to hurt. In

      • Anon

        Agree. Like this pick (not sure how fast I could wreck it). Would like it more with a white tee under it. My city ain’t having none of that. If it’s not a sports bra worn as a top, it’s one of those LONG sports bra / crop top hybrids (which is still WTF to me).

        Shirts are very 2021 and prior!

      • Anon

        I hate how this pick looks and though I would see a chorus of people saying how awful it looks. Fashion and our own personal preferences are fascinating.

  8. CMS

    Headed to Jackson Hole for a long weekend in September with my husband and 8 year old son. Looking for recommendations for great hikes, restaurants, must see/do things.

    • Anonymous

      Wow I could not be more jealous – you are going to my favourite place on earth! I have TONS of recommendations, but what level of hikes are you looking for (assume easy ones for your son?)

      • CMS

        He’s a trooper, so we can do probably up to a three hour hike as long as it isn’t too technical.

    • NYCer

      Definitely recommend Jenny Lake. There is a longer trail that goes around the lake (not a lot of elevation gain, but about 8 miles). You can reduce the length by taking a free shuttle boat across the lake, and then a short hike to Hidden Falls or Inspiration Point. This is probably the most popular hike in Grand Teton, but Jenny Lake really is spectacular. And in Sept, it should be slightly less crowded than prime summer. Not a hike, but we also really enjoyed doing a float down the Snake River.

      I assume you already know this, but it is definitely starting to get chilly in Jackson by mid and later September, especially in the mornings and evenings. You will have a blast though!

      • Annie Nominous

        +1. These are great recs. Be sure to pack an old phone that the 8 year old can use to take pictures, as the scenery/wild life are fun. I would add that the Gros Ventre area was the only place we saw moose, elk and bison.

    • Anonymous

      Jenny Lake/Inspiration Point hike and extend it to Cascade Canyon. Longer hike but not challenging. Take the boat back.

      I loved Phelps Lake – would recommend the kale creek/woodland trail loop.

      I loved hiking to Surprise and Ampitheater lakes – not sure if it’s too challenging for an 8 year old though. Was 12 miles with decent elevation gain, but wasn’t technical though there was a section with a fair amount of switchbacks which is probably boring and hard for a kid.

    • Anon

      If you need a break from hiking, you can rent bikes at Dornan’s (just inside the park) and bike along the main road that runs through the park. A relatively-fit 8 yo could handle it. ATV rentals are fun. ATVs are street legal in Wyoming, and there are plenty of trails on public land (not not in GTNP) that borders Jackson. There is one small shop in Jackson that was horrible, horrible, horrible–don’t use them. I got into a battle royale with them when they charged my credit card over $8,000 because their ATV ran out of oil on the trail. I won, but still–do not recommend. If you go this route, use a bigger shop, not 2 guys renting them out of a parking lot. (We did not book in advance, and that is all that was available.) If the 8 yo might be up for a fly fishing lesson, there is tons of fly fishing available, but book a guide early. You can rent canoes and kayaks at Jenny (and probably other) lakes.

    • DeepSouth

      Jenny Lake is fantastic. Also make sure you have some time for early drives into Grand Teton/ the elk refuge area to see animals. That was our favorite spot.

      I stayed at the Rustic Inn Resort last fall and had a TERRIBLE experience. TERRIBLE. They were so understaffed that there were none of the amenities open, housekeeping started knocking on the door at 6AM to clean every day, my room had bugs and they still tried to charge me for the unused days when we moved out. I had to dispute with my credit card company. I would strongly discourage you from staying there.

    • Anon

      Agree with the recommendations above. Amphitheater Lake and Delta Lake are my absolute favorite trails, but they might be a bit much. I went to JH with my parents last year, who are in their 70s, and we did Inspiration Point, Taggart Lake Loop, and String Lake Trail, all of which I recommend. September is my absolute favorite time to go to JH. Also agree with a float trip down the Snake. We usually get a fishing guide through Westbank Anglers and do a fly fishing float trip, and it’s hard to describe the blue waters and blue sky and scenery adequately. For restaurants, be sure to check out Persephone Bakery for breakfast or lunch. There are two locations, one downtown, which can get pretty crowded, and the other in Wilson at the Aspens. The town square in Jackson is definitely a must-see. And for the best photo, drive up to the Snake River Overlook (should be pretty easy to google), which is the view of the Tetons and Snake River from one of Ansel Adams’s photographs, and it’s impossible to take a bad picture there. Oh, one more thing, definitely get to the trailheads early – they fill up fast. Plus, early morning is the best time to see wildlife.
      Enjoy! One of my absolute favorite places in the world.

    • Anon

      I agree with getting out on the Snake River if you can. I’m not big on water sports in general, but one of my friends in Jackson was a white water rafting guide. She took us out for free and I really enjoyed it.

  9. Anon

    What color blazers, besides black, do you find versatile? I want to add a few more blazers but avoid black since I already have several of those. I’m a deep autumn.

    • Anne-on

      If you already have black I think camel, grey, plum/aubergine, and deep green are all very versatile. I seem to get the most use out of either an open chanel style blazer in a woven knit (my grey JCrew going out blazer) or blazers in tweeds, cords, velvets, etc. so it is clear I’m not trying to wear my suit blazer as a stand alone piece. I find fall/spring is a great time to grab these so I’m keeping an eye on Banana/Jcrew/Ann Taylor/Boden/Brooks Brothers.
      I have an irrational hatred of navy blue blazers with gold buttons but I know lots of people like them.

    • Pep

      Back when I wore blazers, I had an olive green one that I absolutely loved. I wore the heck out of that thing, it was what I was wearing in my employee ID pic as well as my passport photo!

    • nuqotw

      I think “near neutral” is the key to a blazer that is both versatile and interesting. I’m not sure what colors those are for a deep autumn but I’m guessing maybe a deep reddish/orange/rust color?

      Gray is very useful. I am partial to a lighter gray since too dark can’t be worn with black or navy.

    • Deedee

      I love non-black blazers because I tend to dress in a column of like colors–often black–under a blazer. My blazer wardrobe, all of which are worn regularly:
      black suiting
      black poly 3/4 sleeve
      medium grey suiting
      charcoal cashmere (F/W)
      forest green wool/poly blend (F/W)
      dark grey velvet (F/W, occasions)
      light grey merino wool swacket — this is one of the most versatile pieces I own. it is from Jcrew, the version with close-fitting sleeves and 100% merino from a few seasons ago (NOT the version now that is 3/4 sleeve and a blend)
      navy wool double breasted – I want to upgrade this to something with nicer brass buttons, they are a cheap-looking finish RN
      camel wool — also one of the most worn items in my closet
      cream ponte with black piping
      cream linen (S/S )
      chambray (S/S)
      I would note that I prefer much closer-fitting and slightly cropped blazers for dresses and longer fitting blazers for pairing with pants, so not all of my blazers are equally versatile for that purpose. I’d love to add a tweed that had both black and navy, a truly white blazer, and a close-fitting ponte navy blazer, perhaps with cropped sleeves. For a deep autumn, you could probably add a few deeper colors like russet for fall or maybe teal.

    • Curious

      I have a lovely one from Ann Taylor that’s a subtle blue, silver, white, and black plaid. It reads as a similar color to chambray but has metallic threads. I always, always get compliments.

    • Anonymous

      I’m a warm autumn and I have black, a warm grey tweed, and am on the market for a cream/ ivory/ light camel one.

    • Anonymous

      I think some of this depends on how formal your office is. Camel is a classic. I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of a teal swacket (but probably wouldn’t fly in a more formal office). I’m eyeing a brown plaid one at this moment. I’m on a low-level hunt for a burgundy blazer. As a deep autumn one of the leather (or faux leather) brown blazers would probably work well on you. I think one question here is what colors you were in the rest of your clothes. If you have a lot of brown shirts I might stay away from a camel blazer.

    • Vicky Austin

      I love a column of black with a blazer and shoes in a matching bright color. What color are your favorite statement shoes?

    • MagicUnicorn

      I just got a winter white sweater blazer and am forcing myself to not wear it every day because it is amazing.

    • Anonymous

      light blue, olive, white, a print in a neutral color

      navy, red and brown are the hardest to pair as separates IMHO

    • Anonymous

      Light dive grey or pearl grey is a WORKHORSE! Camel or beige is also extremely useful. I have a bright blue (cobalt but very bright) one that has also been worn countless times and goes with a surprising number of things.

  10. TriviaHippo

    Good morning, all! I just bought my first house and am moving in this week. I want to start out on the right foot and have heard about the value of keeping a log of all home repairs and expenses, as well as a tracker/schedule of regular maintenance tasks. I’ve looked online for possible templates or books, but am pretty overwhelmed by the choices (and a feeling that I have no idea what I’m doing!). How do you all keep track of this? Are there any resources you like or trust to keep on top of these kinds of things? Any advice would be so, so appreciated!

    • Annie Nominous

      I use excel and pin it to the top of my “open” menu. It’s easy to check every month and I use tabs for more detailed info.

    • Anonymous

      We also had an Excel sheet of things to do but it was more just to organize thoughts, not a log of what we’ve done. The big things are capital improvements like finishing a basement or doing a patio.

      #1 tip – replace your floors before you move in if they need to be replaced! Or at least do the sanding thing if you can.

    • anon

      Dont’ over complicate. Google sheets with a few columns – brief description of work, date, vendor w/ contact info, cost, and a generic notes column where I add things I may want to remember down the road.

  11. Anon

    I’m finally over a terrible cold but I feel so physically depleted. What do you do to build your energy back up? Everyone has things that help them when they’re actively sick, but what about that post-sickness phase? Please tell me there’s a magic juice to bring me back to life.

    • anon

      I’m in the same phase, but I still have a bit of a cough keeping me up at night so that doesn’t help. I think it just takes time and rest. Go to bed early and do what you can to get a full night of sleep.

    • Anon

      LOL it’s called rest. You can’t lifehack your way through recovering from an illness.

    • roxie

      rest, of course. but also:
      vitamin D, C, zinc?
      A B-100 complex
      maybe iron
      a Mushroom/wellness tea to boost adaptogens

      are any of these a placebo effect? Maybe, but placebo effects work ;)

    • Anonymous

      I think it is a variation on that goopy green “salad” from 1970s potlucks.

    • anon

      I was around for Watergate. In Watergate, on the president’s orders and for his benefit, the Democratic National Headquarters were broken into. At the time, it was a huge scandal and led to the president’s resignation.

      These days, when the president can seemingly get away with any crime, his residence was “broken into” (that is, legally raided) in order to gain evidence of one more crime that he’s committed.

  13. Anonymity

    Good morning! Does anyone have a specific resort recommendation for a multi generational trip? Would love actual blue water and all inclusive. Also would prefer a resort that wasn’t too sprawling as mobility is a factor for some family members. Fairly large budget but not looking for anything super upscale. So overwhelming to differentiate resorts online.

    • Ribena

      What sort of geography are you looking in? What sort of temperatures/ what time of year?

    • anon

      Napili Kai in Maui. Compact, not fancy but still very nice, has kitchens, easy access to pool and beach that is one of the best snorkeling beaches on the island.

    • Cat

      If multi generational includes kids, but you don’t want a kid-focused property like a Beaches, look into Carlisle Bay in Antigua.

  14. Anon

    I don’t know if this is the case in the US, but here in Canada I have stopped shopping at Banana Republic because they completely stopped doing sales! They used to have 40% off all the time and I bought tons of work clothes there but not anymore. Their regular prices are too high for the quality of items. I’m not paying $200 CAD for a poly blouse.

    • Anon

      I’m the opposite, their quality got a lot better and it stopped being frustrating to buy something only to see it on sale seconds later.

    • PolyD

      Yeah they seem to not be doing sales as often if ever, and I agree – I’m not paying 40% more for the same quality items. I will say that in the past, I thought BR had good quality sweaters, but their shirts were no better than Loft. I like Banana Republic Factory lately, their prices are a little more reasonable and the quality seems just as good as regular BR. But they, too, have fallen victim to Neutrals Fever – how many black, gray, navy, or camel items does a person need???

    • Worried

      I’m in Canada too, and I agree with this sentiment. I find that while the quality of sweaters and some dresses is great, the Canadian exchange rate and selection makes it more limiting to shop there. I’ve been to the main BR on Robson st. and I rarely find anything there, though the store is three floors and supposedly well stocked. Pre Covid, when we used to drive to or near Seattle, the BR stores there had a more robust selection and more colour ways and the prices were better even with the exchange rate. It’s frustrating too because many sale items are now final sale— and with inconsistent sizing, it’s a gamble to order online. I’m eyeing a dress now, but the inconsistent sizing is making me pause. I like their items, but it’s hard work to shop there.

      • Anon

        Omg, the colourways are ridiculous these days. Everything is beige or brown!

        • Worried

          +1 The dress I want has a cute print or I can purchase it in yellow:). I like their merino wool and purchased bright pink last year, but had to wait out the beiges and greys until the pink turned up! I agree the sizing is an issue too!

    • Anonymous

      I stopped shopping at BR more than a decade ago because of the ridiculous sizing and odd fit.

  15. Anon

    Is anyone still having trouble adjusting to the fact that Covid changed so much of our daily lives and that the future still seems so uncertain? It’s been 2.5 years but I still feel so unsettled. My whole life was centered around working downtown – I bought a condo with an easy commute but now I’m wfh, I went to a gym near my office every day but now it’s closed, I socialized with people downtown after work but now most people are wfh. There’s still a chance my downtown-centered life will come back but I’m not even sure if I want it to because there are nice benefits to wfh and my social groups is all married now so not much socializing will happen anyway. I don’t know what I’m asking, I guess I’m just tired of feeling like everything is different and unsettled. I’m realizing that I’m not great with change so that’s probably part of it but I’m not sure how to get better at dealing with this.

    • Anon

      Yes. I also moved downtown to a city that I’ve hardly explored yet (aside from the lovely parks, though most of them aren’t downtown!). After the vaccines and the low case rates in summer 2021, I really thought it was over. My household is substantially elevated risk, so that hasn’t made it easier to meet people or settle in!

    • anon

      I have been observing – in many cases with sadness – the things that just seem like they’re not coming back. Like, I belonged to a triathlon club that was huge and really vibrant pre-covid, with lots of social events and opportunities for group workouts every weekday (and multiple options on weekends). They tried really hard to keep going what they safely could during covid, but now in the post-covid era (and I live in a place where people are very over it, particularly for outdoor activities) the group is much, much smaller and they haven’t been able to get enough interest (or volunteer leaders) for a lot of the activities they previously did. I see fewer people at local 5Ks and running groups. Our church has come back pretty well, but not 100% – and it doesn’t seem to be covid-motivated, as we continued to offer an outdoor service until last month when attendance at that had dwindled to so low that we couldn’t justify it anymore.

      It feels like a lot of people settled into a more atomized, less communal life during peak pandemic, and so things that require being part of a group and aren’t entirely self-directed are less attractive to them.

    • Ribena

      Yes. After spending most of 2021 contemplating big life changes, I am planning to move just to the other side of my current city, to a home that will be more comfortable (space and insulation) for WFH despite a longer commute. That seems like a reasonable compromise to me to the fact that things are never going to go back to 2019??

    • PolyD

      Yes, same. I’m really torn about WFH (right now we only need to come in once a week, and there’s no set day everyone should come in). On the one hand, it’s nice not to have to get ready, commute, take a lunch. On the other hand, I miss the casual social interactions that you can’t replicate on Zoom.

      I do see friends, but not all that often, and most of us are still pretty cautious and reluctant to eat inside. I have gone and seen some shows and gone to outside restaurants with friends, which is nice, but not the same as sitting indoors (I may be especially bitter about this now because it’s been near 100 degrees every day for the past couple of weeks).

      I used to do a group training class at my gym a couple of times a week and I’d like to go back to that, but I don’t feel totally comfortable yet. I’m hoping the new vaccines make a difference – we’ll never be 100% COVID free, but maybe the levels will go much lower.

      I think also having 2+ years of not knowing what the future will look like is really, really tiring, and depressing if you like to have a routine or schedule (I am totally this way). It’s been a lot of upheaval, even for those of us who didn’t have job or school or unusual health worries.

    • Anon

      Yes. I miss my old life and am slow to concede it’s never coming back. I worked my a*s off to get the nice house close to work, to build a tailored and professional wardrobe, to find a childcare situation that would enable me to have a Big Job fighting The Man while also being a present parent … none of that stuff really matters now. Preschool was cancelled so often during Covid that half the time while I was working, my kids would be running around in the background. I love my kids, but most when you’re trying to go toe to toe over Zoom with opposing counsel (mostly old white guys), it doesn’t help with my, “we are equals, and I can crush you” image.

    • Anonymous

      The FOMO I have from spending ages 25-27 as Covid years is unreal. I’m similar to you – live/work/socialize downtown. When Covid hit I was finally making enough money and had just stopped a shift work schedule to take advantage of living downtown. Now I’m 28 and living with my parents in the suburbs to save money because I went back to grad school. Friends are starting to get married, buy houses, have babies and so the fun free mid/late 20s lifestyle I had wanted is ending for reasons beyond my control.

      • Anon

        Ugh I am so sorry. I want to encourage you, from someone in their 30s, that the fun/free lifestyle is still available to you. This is about life choices, your path, and how open you are to spending your time in certain ways. Absolutely I hear that the friend circle can, collectively, seem to shrink these options. But there are plenty of people who are not getting married, buying houses, or having babies in their late 20s and early 30s who are instead traveling, going to museums, trying new things, having fun Friday nights and sleeping in on the weekends. Really encourage you to still see the ‘fun’ and experience of freedom still available to you, and make some space to find people wanting the same.

    • Anonymous

      Yup. I’m in therapy for this. It totally changed my entire job and career and life trajectory. I’m never getting my 2019 life back and its taken me a year to accept that. I’m focused on building a future that I want to be in, but is very hard not it imagine it all suddenly falling down again. But I’m trying.

    • Anon

      Me! I’m also really discouraged that it often feels like people suck more now (myself included). I feel like the collective stress and burnout is so high that no one has enough to give, and it makes everyone rude.

      Slightly related tangent- I was excited to go buy a dress for an upcoming event during my lunch break today, and the store has closed down their dressing room for “your health and safety”. Such a minor, unimportant thing, but it still managed to ruin my fun little trip. I feel like everything is like this now. 1,000 tiny bummers per day, mixed in with all the huge horrors too.

      I’m sorry I’M being such a bummer too! Just struggling with this new world.

      • Janey

        +1. I am VERY tired of the small downgrades in service/experience that businesses initially implemented (supposedly) for health and safety that now seem to be permanent because they realized they really preferred not dealing with it. Removal of daily housekeeping by default in hotels, blocking access to public restrooms at businesses, restaurants with QR codes instead of physical menus, just to name a few.

        • Anon

          Yes!! I’ll add grocery store cashiers to this list, man do I hate self check out with a weeks worth of groceries.

          I hate how everything is so much more expensive yet also with such worse service now.

        • ANON

          I could not agree more! COVID is and was very real but it allowed the push to do everything by app to fully set it. I don’t want to need an app to sign in at the gym and I don’t even bring my phone into restaurants because it is distracting. And don’t get me started on the hotels not even taking out the trash! We had four of us in a suite so I put the trash in the hall and that even sat there for 24 hours. END RANT

      • Anonymous

        Argh! I strongly suspect they’re saying ‘health and safety’ but mean ‘we can’t hire enough staff to keep it in order’.

        • Anonymous

          Or “we are too cheap to hire enough staff at prevailing wage rates to keep it in order.”

    • Anonymous

      Every single thing in my life is worse than it was in 2019.

      I hate this new world. I hate that it has taken away what I enjoyed and substituted a worse version. I hate that the things that I values are not coming back. I am livid that I spent over a decade killing myself to make the life I wanted to live, and now it‘s an inferior pale imitation.

    • Anonymous

      What I wish is that society would accept that it’s impossible to go back to 2019 and instead focus on moving forward in productive ways. Instead of continuing to rely on broken supply chains, single sources, and just-in-time deliveries, we should be investing in more domestic production, redundancy, and resiliency. Yet here we are more than two years later still facing shortages of just about everything. Instead of upgrading ventilation and installing air filtration systems in our schools to keep kids from getting sick, our school district is enforcing a draconian attendance policy that encourage sick kids to come to school and get other kids sick in order to protect the schools’ funding by keeping kids in seats. Instead of moving workout classes and large events outdoors and requiring indoor masking to protect everyone, we shame and isolate people who wear masks to protect themselves and others. Etc. etc. This magical thinking–if we just declare that everything is back to normal then it will be!–is causing so much hardship and damage to the economy, public health, and the very fabric of society.

  16. Anonymous

    What kind of shoes are you all wearing for black-tie events in the winter? Closed-toe styles feel frumpy to me for evening, but sandals seem awfully silly in the winter. Slingbacks? D’orsay pumps? Do they still have to be fabric for evening or is some type of leather (patent? suede? smooth leather?) now acceptable? I can’t stand the blinged-out fabric evening shoes I am finding and would prefer something sleeker.

    • Anon

      I was going to suggest blinged out fabric shoes until I got to your last sentence . . . I love mine with pointy toes and find them fun even with jeans for a casual dinner.

    • Anne-on

      I have almost entirely transitioned away from heels so I’m leaning into sparkly or patent flats (boden or Kate Spade are my go-tos here), velvet smoking slippers (again, Kate spade, but Stubbs and Wooton is obviously the classic here), or something in a metallic leather or a like a luxury fabric (like brocade) from Sarah Flint or the like.

    • anon

      I’m in Boston and have been to plenty of cold-weather events and weddings. I wear the same thing I’d wear any other time of year. I figure I’m hoping in and out of a car/uber for a brief amount of time so I can scurry from the curb to the door of the venue in strappy shoes without issue. Exception being in the height of a snow storm, but the event might be postponed at that point.

    • Anonymous

      D’Orsay pumps with pointy toe in a shiny or velvety material – lacquered leather or suede.

  17. Anonymous

    No real advice, but commiseration…I’m in a similar situation though different because kids are involved — both 40s, divorced, together for a couple of years, moving in would require uprooting one or both sets of kids from their schools/communities, so we will continue to live apart for the foreseeable future. I don’t want to be with anyone else, but I struggle with wanting more time together. Then I wonder if, after a bad marriage and many years of living independently, would I even want to move in with someone again?
    For now I’ve decided that what we have works for now, and we need to shape our relationship according to what works for us and not traditional expectations of how to “move the relationship forward” (ie, marriage, moving in together). There may come a day that it’s no longer working, but I’m trying not to think too much about the future (which is really, really hard for me) and just focus on the present. We are slowly building a “family” of sorts (my kids think of his kind of like cousins or close family friends), so our version of “family” is different from the traditional view, but if it works for us, then that’s what it is, I guess.
    Anyway, I don’t know if any of this helps, but I wanted you to know that I really heard a lot of my own internal struggles in your post. My only advice is that after a surprising and maybe disappointing conversation last night, don t feel like you have to rush to a decision on this.

  18. Anonymous

    I have been retained as a professional witness in a matter involving technology in my industry. They’ve explained the case to me and asked me to prepare a statement (eg. this is an overview of the industry, these are industry norms, etc). I’ve never done this before and I have not been given much in the way of a sample deliverable.

    For those of you that worked with newbie expert witnesses in the past, (1) any pointers? and (2) is there a public place I can look for examples of what my deliverable might look like? After I asked a few times the firm said they could review an outline with me, but I got the distinct impression they would like 99% of it to be coming from me in my format and thoughts so it doesn’t look like they are guiding me – which is totally fair.

    • Anonymous

      SEAK Expert Witness training usually has some good free resources (https://www.testifyingtraining.com/free-resources/). And yes, the attorneys will be reluctant to send you too much lest it sound like they’re directing your opinions. Format tends to vary a lot, but whatever court the matter is in should have a rule as to the basics of what must be included (if it’s a federal case, it’s federal rule of civil procedure 26(a)(2)(B). A lot of states have very similar requirements)

    • Anom

      I’ve worked with patent lit expert witnesses for pharma in the past. They need you to put pen to paper and they’ll work with you to hone it. Check with your contacts at the firm, but I would guess that they need you to be able to honestly state that you wrote it, but you’ll get a lot of assistance to make it appropriate for the case. Don’t overthink it too much on what the work product will look like. It’s going to be pretty fact specific as to what is needed. Just start getting your thoughts down on paper.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you, this is super helpful to hear. It’s a matter involving a company that used a product I built so I’m obviously a good person to ask about this stuff just no idea how to be an expert witness ;).

  19. Anonymous

    Are there any downside to laser hair removal? My husband just had it done (neck, shoulders, back) and absolutely raves about it. He has mentioned in passing “I can’t believe you haven’t done this! It’s the best thing ever!” and he means it in a no pressure sort of way.

    I guess the question is…why *haven’t* I done this? Are there any negatives to consider? I shave my legs, underarms and bikini area and it would be great not to have to do that. Husband and i have the same coloring (fair skin, dark hair). If I go for it I want to do it soon as it apparently doesn’t work well on grey hair and I’m headed that direction :)

    • anon

      if you can afford it do it. i did my underarms, brazilian and upper lip in the past year and i have kicked myself multiple times for not doing it sooner. cost is literally the only downside; reputable places with the best technology will be more expensive. oh and the grey/white hair thing is true. if you want to do it, gotta do it while the hair is still dark.

      • PolyD

        Yep, the only downside is price, and often you can find reasonable packages. I did my lower legs 12+ years ago and wish I had done more.

        I have fair skin and dark leg hair, so it worked really well for me. I got EMLA numbing cream for the procedures, because it was a little painful, but SO WORTH IT.

    • anon

      I’m finishing up a series of six treatments for my lower legs (including knees) and bikini. I love it so much. I have pale skin with coarse dark hair on my legs. If I shave in the morning, by night you could see dark stubble coming to the surface. After the first treatment, I didn’t have to shave for three weeks. After four treatments, I stopped shaving completely. I still have some hair on my legs, but it’s very fine and pale, easily ignorable. I feel so much freer this summer.

      One downside is the cost. In my HCOL city, this was $650 at a medical spa run by a DO. The other downside is that it’s not completely permanent. I had a full 6-treatment session on my bikini line 10 years ago, and it all grew back eventually.
      A third potential downside is pain. I have a high pain tolerance, so it’s been fine, but if you have sensitive skin, that could be a factor.

      • Nyc

        Based on what my friends tell me, 1 annual treatment generally will keep the hair from returning

    • Anonymous

      Cost. And know that some may come back with hormonal changes (pregnancy, menopause) and need additional treatment. Any hairs that are gray or white won’t budge. I wish younger me had the means before so many of my leg hairs decided to lighten. Some pain–that’s made me hesitant for underarms even though I want to do it.

    • Anon

      Laser is one of the best things I’ve done! Nearly full Brazilian, full legs and underarms are done and I’m going to start full arms soon. I have very pale skin and almost black hair so it’s 100% worth it. If you’re in nyc, I can give you a recommendation. However, certain areas are painful!

  20. anon

    How much is a normal amount of liquor consumption during the week? When my boyfriend and I started dating he was heavily drinking whiskey every night, which was a dealbreaker for me. He cut back to only drinking it on the weekends and switched to having a beer or a couple of glasses of wine during the week. Recently he’s started having a glass or two of whiskey at night again, but not getting drunk or going to work hungover like he was before. My hackles are raised a bit because of his previous overindulgence, but I’m wondering whether this is normal for most folks or at what point I should be concerned again.

    • Anon

      What happens if he skips drinking for a night? If he never does, or it’s a problem if he can’t have a drink in the evening, this is already a problem.

      I married this guy and then divorced a full blown alcoholic 10 years later. Don’t be me.

      • anon

        This is the question you need answered. I was a heavy drinker for a few years – it was an unhealthy way to cope with work stress – but I could easily go a day without drinking if needed, and when I switched jobs it really tapered off naturally.

      • anon

        OP – that was a big concern for me too, but he has no issues skipping nights and will oftentimes just drink water at night instead of any alcohol. When he easily cut out weeknight liquor (or even any alcohol at all), I felt better that it wasn’t a dependency but rather something he just enjoyed, but I still want to be aware in case it becomes a concern.

      • Anne-on

        I’d look at how/when he’s able to cut back. Imho if you’re in your late 20’s early 30’s and he’s not able to go out without getting drunk, drinking heavily at parties, if you’re arguing or stressed about who will be able to drive home after a night out, or if you know he drinks to ‘unwind’ after a rough day I’d say its a problem. Your life doesn’t get easier as you age/have kids/have more demands on you and if drinking is his only coping mechanism I’d be worried. Also – if you’re not living together how do you know he’s cut back when he’s not with you? I’ve been in the ‘I feel like I have to monitor his drinking or else’ situation and it is truly awful.

      • Anonymous

        Ugh I’m so sorry. This is certainly one litmus test. I would counsel someone in OP’s position, or yours years ago, to not get too hung up on whether someone technically fits the definition of an alcoholic. There’s a lot of problem drinking that may or may not be a physical addiction but is still a valid dealbreaker. Think: people who don’t drink daily or even often but can’t stop drinking once they start.

    • Lily

      I don’t know if it’s “normal” or common, but I would not like it, either. It’s terrible for your health, and to me it speaks volumes that that person needs alcohol to unwind after a long day or to have fun. I think a beer or glass of wine with dinner on a weeknight is fine and common (though probably not good for your health in the long-term), but two glasses of whiskey on a Tuesday, and multiple nights a week? To me that indicates a dependence on alcohol.

      • Anon

        You say it speaks volumes, but what does it say?

        I don’t drink often, but I have noticed that I definitely never have fun without alcohol.

        I also never really have much energy without alcohol (because of a metabolic disorder affecting how my body burns glucose). I’ve been thinking about it lately and whether I should quit drinking entirely or if it’s worth it for social occasions. I definitely can see how someone like me could get used to a glass of wine with dinner on weeknights, but for women even that is supposed to be a lot!

        I would be hammered if I had two glasses of whisky at any time though, so I don’t relate to OP’s bf.

        • Anonymous

          I think about the fun factor a lot. So much socializing revolves around alcohol, I wish I could convince people to do activities that don’t involve booze! It seems like every time I get people to do a yoga class or something with me: 1) either it tapers off because people are busy/pandemic or 2) we end up having drinks after anyway. I hate feeling like I can’t have fun without a drink in my hand!

        • Anon

          To me, if you NEED alcohol to unwind then you’re emotionally immature. Everybody has problems, most people have healthier coping mechanisms they can turn to.

          I’m not a teetotaler and in fact, I think I sometimes I have a problem with binge drinking. But multiple drinks a day as a base level would be totally unacceptable to me. Even if OP’s partner has magical brain chemistry that defies addiction, that’s not good for the rest of your body!

    • Anon

      I hope he’s 22 and new to adukting, but this gets old fast with jobs you need to show up to. Maybe the pandemic has been an enabler of drinking problems to go unchecked. I agree: red flag. Alcohol is IMO the worst drug to have a problem with as it is fun and pervasive (and then it is not fun and still pervasive).

    • Anonymous

      To be honest I’d be out. I’m not interested in a relationship with an alcoholic.

      • Cb

        Same. I grew up in a low booze household and struggle with even my husband’s very normal drinking – a bottle of wine over the course of the weekend, a midweek whisky.
        But regularly hungover?? Nope, I wouldn’t sign up for that.

      • Anon

        Same. Even if he’s not an alcoholic now or ever, it’s a difference that would get in the way of my relationship ship with him.

    • anon

      Personally, I’d be uncomfortable with more than one liquor drink/night – I’m less concerned about the single whiskey, but more concerned when it becomes a second. My husband is a heavier drinker, but if he’s having hard liquor, he stops at one (except on rare occasions, like certain social situations – but never on a weeknight).

    • Anonymous

      I admit I’m a more frequent drinker than most: I drink several nights a week socially and on the few nights a week I’m not socializing, I often have a glass of wine or a beer. I probably drink 6 nights a week, but do go through phases every year where I significantly cut back for a month or 2. I rarely drink liquor out and never drink liquor at home, though.

      • Nina

        I’m definitely at this end of the scale too. I very rarely drink at home, or by myself, but I do drink with other people probably 4-5 times a week. And I don’t drink straight liquor, but I will def have 2 cocktails for example.

        • Anonymous

          Anon at 10:58 here. I didn’t drink liquor at all for years but I do occasionally have a fun cocktail (or 2) when I’m out with friends.

          I don’t know what it is but I have a mental block over liquor. Beer/wine is not concerning to me but mid-week at home liquor is…

          So , if I were OP I’d be ok with mid week beer/wine and weekend liquor but wouldn’t be ok with the current behavior.

    • Anon

      Surveys suggest that only around 50% of the adult population has even one drink in the average month, so I would infer that the “normal” amount of weeknight drinking is none. I drink occasionally, but wouldn’t want a partner who drank on a daily basis. Your preferences may vary.

      • Anonymous

        But that’s not accounting for those not drinking at all for cultural, religious, job-related or medical reasons or those in recovery.

        • Anon

          Yes, if you cherry pick the data you can probably find some support for excessive drinking.

          • Janey

            Haha seriously. “If you eliminate those who don’t drink, drinking at a high level is far more common!”

        • Anon

          I think that’s the point! Many people don’t drink for many reasons, and many people don’t have *reasons* but still don’t do much drinking.

    • Anon

      His history is concerning to me, and I wouldn’t say this is normal. But at the same time, people can and do have long, happy lives with people who drink too much or whose relationship with alcohol isn’t free from struggle. How stressful we find this and whether it’s a dealbreaker I think is really personal!

    • Anon

      I’d be more concerned if his behavior changes. What’s he like when he’s drinking? If it’s a relaxant and no personality change, doesn’t strike me as a big deal but if he’s meaner or nicer when drinking and you’re dealing with a routinely changing personality I’d get out.

      • anon

        OP – it’s definitely just a relaxant and he has no issues skipping the drink since there are plenty of nights he’ll abstain entirely, all of which makes me feel better regarding an alcohol dependency.

        • Anon

          Is he even capable of relaxing in other ways? Has he learned other mechanisms to deal with stress? Does he want to learn other ways to deal with stress?

      • Anon

        I think this attitude just lets you talk yourself into being okay with problematic behavior. Pretty soon you’re going to become the boiling frog.

    • Trish

      He is not going to change. He cut back for a bit because you asked him to but he will be drunk all week in no time.

    • Anonymous

      One drink a night (of any sort) would be my limit. More than that on weekdays and I would be out.

    • Anonymous

      This is a good example of why you cut your losses early when you see a big red flag rather than tALkiNg and trying to change a man. Even if he changes you will always wonder if it’s temporary and you will think the worst of anything that looks like backsliding (probably rightly so). He will feel like you’re overly critical and never give him the benefit of the doubt. You will still feel just as uncomfortable as you did when you first identified the issue.

      To answer your actual question: I would not have a problem dating a guy who has 2 drams a night. I like whiskey too and I’ll probably have a sip. But I would not date a guy who routinely gets drunk on weekdays and goes to work hungover. I would forever be suspicious of any drinking however innocuous.

    • PolyD

      I wonder how these answers are affected by the poster’s own drinking preferences and family history of drinking.

      I grew up in a family where liquor was always around. My parents didn’t lock the liquor cabinet and my dad usually had a drink each night (I don’t remember what, but it was some liquor, maybe vodka or whisky, on ice), but none of us kids ever really drank until college and I don’t remember ever seeing my parents drunk. Nowadays, my parents consume alcohol at a rate that would probably scandalize some people here (they probably both have a drink each night, sometimes 2 if they go out to their favorite restaurant which they probably do at least once a week) but they are still healthy at 78 and 82, no drunk driving issues, no passing out, etc.

      With respect to the OP’s boyfriend, it’s hard to say. I would say that easily being able to skip a few nights is probably a good thing. I myself have weeks where I have a drink each night, but have lots more weeks when I don’t bother. On the rare occasions I go out I do like to have 2 cocktails, because I love and appreciate tricky drinks! I think if he’s willing to listen to your concerns without getting defensive, that’s probably good.

      But again, my perspective is colored by growing up around people who consumed a fair amount of alcohol, but never really got drunk (drinking so much that it was noticeable was VERY frowned upon at family gatherings) and didn’t seem to use it in a way that indicated a dependency.

    • Anon

      That is way more than a healthy amount of alcohol consumption. It would be a deal breaker for me.

    • Anon

      It doesn’t matter whether it’s normal or not or healthy or not of fits the definition of alcoholism or not. If you’re uncomfortable with his drinking and have previously told him such and his behavior changes as a result were temporary, that’d be a dealbreaker for me.

      And for what it’s worth, my husband and I definitely partake in alcohol (a lot) more than everyone else on this thread. So it’s not like I’m clutching my pearls here. There are plenty of people with drinking problems that don’t technically meet the requirements for being an alcoholic depending on what metric you use and some people who drink more than those metrics and other than the negative health effects, otherwise don’t have negative impacts on their life.

      Yes the health concerns are real but that’s not really what matters here. How you feel about the behavior does.

      On the health impact point, the science says that no amount of alcohol is healthy (limits were suggested because the people writing them accepted that many people would just wholesale ignore recommendations to cut all alcohol). On the other hand, there are lots of other unhealthy behaviors people are generally ok with (poor diet, lack of exercise, not going to the doctor or dentist regularly, poor sleep, high stress levels). I suspect the issue isn’t the health impacts, it’s the behavior itself and how you feel about it.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – another heavy drinker here (my husband as well). Gray area drinking isn’t good for anyone, but if you guys aren’t on the same wavelength he might start drinking secretly, which is another ball of wax entirely.

        If you really like him, try to change the habits around booze like doing something different when he usually drinks, not buying it for your home, and rigorously cutting the night short after 2-3 drinks. He might fall out of drinking. But he might not.

        I thought this was an interesting article about the cultural stuff around drinking. https://medium.com/@jessmisener/new-york-i-love-you-but-you-murdered-my-liver-e18644b85f3d

    • Anon

      Just to provide a data point: my husband has a drink a night (either a glass of wine or a beer). Sometimes, on a Friday or Saturday night, he’ll have a beer/glass of wine with dinner and then a whiskey later. Doctor has zero concern with the his level of consumption. I have only seen him be visibly drunk/hungover the next day three times in our 25-year relationship.

      To me, regular hangovers are a sign that the consumption has gone beyond recreational into compulsive, and therapy/12-step meetings are worth considering.

    • Anon

      Sounds like this is a you problem. He’s not getting drunk, acting inappropriately, failing to meet his responsibilities, etc. Why do you have a problem with him having a drink or two after work? I think it’s fine. My parents spent some time living in Europe and dinner is not dinner without a glass of wine. To me, it was normal to have a glass or two with dinner at night. So if his drinking is less than when you started dating and it doesn’t otherwise impact his life, what’s the problem?

    • Anon

      An adult regularly going to work hungover is a big red flag to me. Good that he cut back when you asked, but to me that behavior means he has pretty poor judgment and that isn’t going to change.

    • BelleRose

      “The National Institute on Alcohol Use and Alcoholism defines heavy drinking as follows:
      For men, consuming more than 4 drinks on any day or more than 14 drinks per week
      For women, consuming more than 3 drinks on any day or more than 7 drinks per week”
      Red flag would be drinking enough to be hungover at work.

    • ANON

      I highly suggest that you go to an Al-Anon meeting. It is no longer housewives who are stuck in their marriages. You will find parents, children, boyfriends and girlfriends and spouse of people who drink too much. You have to examine why you think you can change him because his drinking is likely to progress. He already showed you that he could (or would) only cutback on the whiskey on a temporary status.

  21. Anonie

    TW: loss of battle with depression

    My husband just lost his sibling. The sibling took their own life. Does anyone have suggestions/advice on how to support a spouse through grief? We stayed with his parents for a week after it happened and have now returned home. We are well-educated on mental health issues because of personal history but it still is so hard. It is relatively early in our marriage and I know it will likely forever shape us, including how we parent future children. Either both of us together or my husband on his own will do grief therapy or join a loss support group soon. I have for many years kept my own depression at bay with SSRIs (some physical side effects but they work nearly flawlessly for my mental health) and my husband recently starting taking a low dose for mild anxiety, so we have the benefit of being well-medicated (wry smile) and otherwise content with where we are in life.

    I haven’t posted here in a long time but still enjoy skimming and reading perspectives! Thanks in advance.

    • Anon

      I am so sorry for your loss. The answer is therapy, and, if you have a faith, finding good people in your faith community. (Some people can be… very weird around tragedy and are not helpful.)

      If/when you have kids, have an action plan for both prenatal and postpartum depression. Talk to a perinatal mental health expert about what issues and risks you would face and how to handle them.

      • Anonie

        Thank you! We are people of faith and started going back to church in person a few months ago after a long absence due to the pandemic. Your words reminded me to register for an upcoming women’s group at the new church; just submitted my registration, so thank you. My husband is more of an introvert so it be harder for him to jump into community, but I will encourage it.

        Appreciate your advice on pregnancy/post-partum, too.

    • Go for it

      It’s awful, and I am sorry for your deep loss. I lost a sibling the same way.
      Therapy helped. I found the book “silent grief” and meetings of Survivors after suicide most helpful.

      • Anonie

        I am so extremely sorry for your loss, too. Thank you so much for sharing. I will google that book and the group you mentioned.

  22. Anon

    For those of you who have had Covid in your house and not passed it around, what did you do? We made it 2.5 years, but my husband just tested positive. We flew Saturday which is presumably where he got it (despite wearing a KN95), he had a negative PCR test yesterday morning, had very mild symptoms last night (after kiddo and I were in bed), had worse symptoms this morning and tested positive. He and I didn’t share a bedroom last night, and he wore a mask around us this morning, so I think my exposure has been relatively limited and I’d really like to avoid not getting it if I can (I have autoimmune issues and my body overreacts to even routine colds). Current plan is for him to quarantine in our furnished basement (which has a bed and bathroom) and me to deliver him food and water in a mask. But I’m not sure what else if anything I should be doing.

    • Anon

      If you have an air purifier, put in in the basement with him and keep it running. If not or in addition, ventilate as well as you can.

    • Anonymous

      My husband has been positive since Saturday morning, and I’ve been desperately trying to avoid getting it because we have a vacation in two weeks and I take forever to get over even regular colds. I haven’t gotten it yet, knock on wood. We have separate bedrooms/bathrooms anyway, so he is quarantining in his bedroom and only comes out to go to the bathroom down the hall and wears as mask when doing so. I’m leaving meals outside his door. I bought a hepa air purifier and he has been running that in his bedroom continuously. I am keeping the door to my bedroom and my office shut and am wearing a mask if I’m in any part of the house other than those two rooms. He also got this on a work trip that he got back from Friday night, so what probably helped is the fact he wasn’t actually here when he was likely positive but prior to developing symptoms.

      • Anonymous

        Oh, and I was due to change my HVAC air filters anyway, so I did that and used the highest filtration level instead of the medium I usually buy.

    • Anon

      I had Covid about a month ago and the advice we received from my doctor was either isolate 100% for 10 days- like have DH drop meals at the door etc, or don’t even try because it’s so contagious that any halfway measures will not work. We went with the latter option and DH never caught it. We both have had 4 doses of Pfizer, but I’m immunocompromised and he’s not, so sort of makes sense.

      • Senior Attorney

        Same here except for the immunocompromised part. I’d had symptoms for a few days before I tested positive, and we didn’t isolate then, and my doctor said by then the ship had sailed. I tested positive for 13 days and my husband never caught it.

        • Curious

          My husband hasn’t been able to find isolate, because I’m too sick to do full childcare, but he is keeping an N-95 on whenever he’s out of our bedroom and keeping the baby out of there. Lots of hand washing, up to the elbows, and the air purifiers are on full blast. It’s day 4 after his first exposure (me, unmasked, stupid) and he’s still not sick. Fingers crossed.

          • *fully isolate, not find isolateCurious

            * fully, not find isolate. Also fwiw baby is 11 months ish and was licking him while positive. He is using a lot of soap and a lot of Lysol.

          • Curious

            fully isolate, not find isolate. Also fwiw baby is 11 months ish and was licking him while positive. He is using a lot of soap and a lot of Lysol.

      • anon

        Eh, I agree except that the halfway measures gave me a much lighter case of COVID than my husband. Viral load still matters, and minimizing your viral load will help you recover faster.

    • nuqotw

      I wore an N95 and slept on the living room couch and no one in my family caught it. We were okay with me eating meals on the couch; I put my mask on between bites/drinks. Part of it was just good luck, b/c spouse and I shared a water bottle before I was symptomatic but surely when I was contagious. We had no good way to isolate me completely. I spent a few hours in my car to get a mask respite.

    • Anon

      This was us a few weeks ago. If he is eligible, start on paxlovir as soon as possible. It’s free regardless of whether you have insurance. And stock up on meds to reduce symptoms – cough meds, throat spray, Tylenol or ibuprofen. Out of 5, we were able to keep it from spreading to 3. Only 1 person symptomatic. One kiddo asymptomatic. Everyone besides the toddler was fully vaxxed (and boosted if eligible).

      • Curious

        And make sure he follows the instruction to take Paxlovid with food. Ideally food with protein. Ask me how I know.

      • Anon

        He has no risk factors so not eligible for Paxlovid. But glad to hear the anecdata about it not spreading too much in your house.

    • anon

      My partner had COVID and did not give it to me or the baby. He was on a trip for the first two days (when he thought he had a cold) and we weren’t inside in the same room when he got back (although he went inside). I made him get a test and it was positive, so he went straight to the furnished basement, and I left food for him at the top of the stairs. He came back upstairs with a mask on after day 8 of isolation when he was basically symptom free but still tested positive (I desperately needed help with the baby at that point, and our pediatrician said he could come out after 5 days if he wore a mask. We decided to be a bit more conservative.).

    • LaurenB

      Husband (vaxed and double boosted) tested positive earlier this year. I was only vaxed-and-single-boosted at that point. We separated immediately (he went to a guest bedroom / bathroom and I stayed in our bedroom / bathroom). We did not interact in the kitchen / meal preparation; we did our own thing and washed hands frequently. We did sit outside on an outdoor lanai and kept one another company, but were a good 10 feet from one another. We did this for the recommended CDC guidelines, which I think was 5 days, and then he wore a mask around me for another 5 days. I think I tested every other day during this time, had no symptoms and always tested negative. He started Paxlovid and had the equivalent of a bad cold with a very sore throat.

    • Anonymous

      Our elementary aged kid had it last month and the rest of us (two adults and toddler sibling) did not. What we did:
      -kept her separated in the guest room with en suite bathroom
      -created a negative air pressure chamber of sorts in the room (like they have in hospitals): kept an open window with a continuously running window fan to blow the inside air outward. Two air purifiers—one by her and the other in the center of the room. A second fan right inside the door pointed towards the window to create a wind tunnel
      -also moved the bed so her head was closer to the open window. She didn’t have to wear a mask
      -Husband and I wore our KF95 masks when we brought in her meals and tried to stay “upwind” of her
      -she got unlimited screen time and books and craft kits…pretty happy kid!

  23. Anon

    Anyone have experience with shooting pain in their big toe when wearing heels? I don’t have any issue with other shoes or barefoot, but without fail get a terrible pain in my big toe in heels

    • Anon

      Try taping your third and fourth toes together. Sounds weird but if it’s a nerve issue, it helps.

  24. Updates?

    I’ve wondered often over the last months about two readers:
    – the woman who wrote that her husband’s sister showed up to their wedding, which was supposed to have no family in attendance?
    – the woman whose husband’s passport renewal was jeopardizing his ability to join their honeymoon. Did he make it?

    Any update from either? (Wishing both the best!)

    • Anonymous

      I’m the passport OP! Things are… ok I guess? He contacted his representative and got his passport two days before we left (as opposed to the day of, which he would’ve been satisfied with)! He continued to be a little off at times during the trip. As one example, one day he was driving super aggressively. He’s usually such a dad driver always going 5 under the speed limit because it’s a LIMIT not a suggestion, I’m the aggressive driver in our relationship. At one point I gasped because I thought we were going to hit someone and he snapped at me to stop screaming at him (I didn’t scream but given how close we came, it would’ve been warranted). I had to close my eyes. Fortunately for our safety, he got pulled over and got a hefty ticket. They threatened to take his license. He seemed to snap out of it after that and the rest of the trip went great with no more weirdness from him.

      I’m still not entirely sure what his deal was. We’ve both been traveling a lot this summer so we haven’t had any significant down time to just kind of chill. I suspect he’s stressed about money and he thinks the honeymoon was too expensive. We’re trying to buy a house and he’s facing a huge career shift so he under a lot of pressure right now. I wish he would actually, you know, talk to me about it instead of trying to muscle through and have it come out in weird ways. So… I guess we’re good for now?

      • Curious

        Oh, how stressful. Just one of those things (new job, home buying even without this hideous market, marriage, money) is a lot. I hope you can find ways to talk about it. Rooting for you.

      • Anon

        Yikes, I don’t know if communication issues that big mean you’re good for now . . .

    • Anonymous

      Oh that’s me, DH insisted on having only parents at our ceremony and then let his sister attend while mine followed the rules and wasn’t there. When I explained to DH why I was hurt, he was surprised (???) and apologized. Other than that, there hasn’t really been any resolution, everyone just sort of dropped it. I was heavily involved in putting together our wedding album and I made sure to choose ceremony pictures that do not include his sister. Petty, maybe. She’s included in reception and family pics obviously. My sister was never offended, she understood what happened and she had her own drama at the time – she and her husband were in a bad place at the time but he attended the wedding with her anyway. He would’ve given her a hard time if she had gone to the ceremony without him, she didn’t want him there, so she was actually a little relieved to have an excuse to limit his presence. They’ve since divorced. My mother was upset but now she is occupied with being mad at my sister’s ex.

      • Curious

        Your sister sounds reasonable and understanding. I’m sorry about her divorce.

  25. teasdale

    Up to this point I’ve felt like he is very committed to me and our relationship, both in words and in actions (though I understand where the commenters that believe otherwise are coming from and can’t rule out that I’m wrong). He acts very committed and un-ambivalent.

    I think as some people above have articulated well, it’s a question of whether he wants to be a committed partner who doesn’t share a living space, or if he really is looking to avoid commitment (or commitment with me).

    • Anonymous

      I think he likes having you committed to him without reciprocal commitment on his part.

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