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Agurk
Does anyone have any book recommendations for my dad’s birthday? 66, lawyer, likes wine and hiking. He likes spy thrillers, David McCullough type history and excellent biographies. The Venn diagram of our reading preferences does not overlap so I’m a bit at a loss. Thanks!
Annie Nominous
For biography, Hero of Two Worlds. It’s about Lafayette. He’s in the thick of both US and French revolutions.
anon
I recently read Black Ops from Ric Prado. It’s a non-fiction book about his life in the CIA.
Cat
Erik Larson – Dead Wake
Shelle
Loved this book! And Erik Larson just released a new book The Splendid and the Vile about Churchill’s personal life during the London Blitz, which I also loved.
Anon
Has he read Robert Massie? I loved his massive (ha) biographies of Peter the Great and Catherine the Great.
Anonymous
David McCloskey’s book Damascus Station.
Anonymous
The Boys in the Boat? It’s an easy, but enjoyable read.
Vicky Austin
+1, this was my suggestion!
Anon
Would recommend anything by Sebastian Junger, Jon Krakauer, Erik Larson, or Tom Clancy
Allie
If he loves Motown, Dream Boogie The Triumph of Sam Cooke is one of my favorite books but just FYI it’s very very long.
TheElms
Unbroken is excellent if he hasn’t read that.
Anon
Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow if he hasn’t read it already!
Anon
I went with the fairly entertaining “Soldier, Priest, and God” biography of Alexander the Great.
Anonymous
My dad really enjoyed The Splendid and the Vile.
Cb
I like the Stella Remington novels, written by ex MI 5 chief. The latest one is trash though. And what about Chris Pavone’s book, or American Spy.
Anon
There are not enough female spy novels! Thank you for this rec.
Anonymous
How spies think, by David Omand (UK intelligence). Non-fiction.
Anon
This might be too straight forward. But with the wine theme, he might enjoy Kevin Zraly’s “Windows on the World Complete Wine Course” Book. For fun, I took the hospitality management’s wine tasting class in college and this was our text book. So much good information. It’s a nice coffee table book to have around because it’s fun to pop open when drinking lesser known varietals. It focuses a lot on history and geography of different wine areas around the world.
ArenKay
Robert Harris novels might work. His Cicero trilogy (Imperium is first) is terrific.
Anon
River of Doubt (Candice Millard) is an excellent biography of a certain period of Teddy Roosevelt’s life, and includes lots of nature references – might fit the bill.
NYNY
It’s an older book, so he may have read it, but Kermit Lynch’s book Adventures on the Wine Route is great, and there was a new edition published in 2019 with some updates.
If you’re looking for something newer and he has any interest in natural history, I’ve bookmarked Riley Black’s The Last Days of the Dinosaurs as a gift for my husband.
Anonymous
Yes! You need Timothy Egan’s pilgrimage to eternity — pulitzer-winner writes about walking from England to Italy; there’s a religious element but mostly historical/personal rather than doctrinal. I’ve recommended it to a wide variety of folks but it hits your Dad’s interests spot on.
Anon
I read the new Ken Follett spy novel (Never) on a recommendation from this s1te and it was quite good. Although the ending is bleak, if that would be a problem for him.
Anonymous
Red Notice by Bill Browder.
Anon
I just finished The Spy and the Traitor by Ben Macintyre, non-fiction about a CIA double agent. He was one of several identified by the very vile Aldrich Ames but was smuggled out of Russia by British Intelligence.
The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare about unorthodox intelligence activities by Britain during WW II is fascinating.
Red Notice by Bill Browder is a current-day (well, 10 years ago maybe) story about a hedge fund manager who ran afoul of Putin. Reads like a spy novel but is non-fiction. Truly fascinating and scary stuff.
pugsnbourbon
Ohhh I’m not OP but these are perfect for my dad. I might surprise him with one for his Kindle. Thanks!
Monte
Probably anything by Nathaniel Philbrick. I have only read In the Heart of the Sea and The Last Stand, and they are both excellent, even as someone who doesn’t naturally gravitate to these kinds of books.
Celia
Yes! I’m reading his book In the Hurricane’s Eye right now and it’s fantastic.
Anonymous
Smalltime by Russell Shorto or A Women of No Importance by Sonia Purnell
Anon
Clare Mulley has two excellent books that would fit the bill: The Women Who Flew for Hitler: A True Story of Soaring Ambition and Searing Rivalry and The Spy Who Loved: The Secrets and Lives of Christine Granville.
anon
Some slightly off the beaten path recs:
– To the White Rock, Hugh Thomson. A history of the Inca and also of the author’s own exploration on foot of lesser-known Inca sites.
-Declare, Tim Powers. An alternate history of Cold War espionage, in which the Soviet Union’s domination is discovered to be derived from a trapped jinn that they keep in a basement under Red Square. I will admit that it’s a pretty weird book, but super readable as a spy thriller.
Anon
I’ll second some of these recs. I’ve read almost all of Nathaniel Philbrick’s books and they’re all good, but I think the ones about the ocean are best (In the Heart of the Sea and the one about the Mayflower). I also like Erik Larson’s books Dead Wake and The Splendid and the Vile. Riley Black’s The Last Days of the Dinosaurs was very good, for the poster who mentioned that one and anyone else interested in dinosaurs or history of life on Earth, though probably not what OP is looking for unless he likes science books. I also liked Indianapolis by Lynn Vincent, about a WWII naval disaster.
Coach Laura
I’m reading Sicily: An Island at the Crossroads of History by John Julius Norwich. (I have Sicilian ancestors)
Any of Daniel Silva’s novels would be good. Spies, history, great art and classical music. The 2020 novel (he does one every July) “The Order” was good. The 2021 and 2022 novels are critically acclaimed, though include some covid and January 6 connections, which is a bit depressing but as long as he’s not a Trump believer, he might enjoy them. I’ve read all 22 in the series and loved 90% of them.
David Baldacci novels are great – his July 2022 offer is “The 6:20 Man” which I thought was great. Modern spy thriller.
Marie
My dad is this age, and I got him the book Hamilton was based off of (Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow). He loved that, and every year, I have bought him a new one by this author. He has written about Washington, Grant, Rockefeller, and the American banking system. A warning that these books are thiiiick and have a very small font.
An.On.
How about the Robert Caro series on Lyndon B. Johnson, starts with “The Path to Power”. They’re pretty long, though.
Agurk
OP here: Wow I am totally overwhelmed. These are such wonderful suggestions! Thank you so much everyone, I’m off to the bookstore!
Deedee
If you’re still reading I would add that one of the best non-fiction books I’ve ever read that might interest your dad was The Black Count by Tom Reiss. About General Alex Dumas (father of the author), a Haitian-born biracial man who rose to the top ranks of the French Revolution.
Thanks to all for these great suggestions, some of which are going on my list!
Celia
Hemingses of Monticello by Annette Gordon-Brown is amazing. Part biography, part political and social history. Couldn’t put it down.
Anon
Favorite gym bag for a walking commute? I workout at a gym on my way to work and then shower/get ready there so need to carry work clothes, water bottle and toiletries/makeup. I have a separate tote for work stuff/lunch.
Gym provides towel and soap/shampoo so I don’t carry those. Work shoes live at work and I commute in my sneakers. Gym doesn’t offer locker rentals so have to carry it all with me.
Anon
I would get a backpack that can fit everything (clothes, work stuff, lunch) so you don’t have to carry two bags.
Anon
Ugh everytime someone asks this site for a bag recommendation that can hold work stuff, lunch and gym stuff they’re told that’s entirely too much to carry every day. When they then ask for 2 separate bag recommendations they’re told to fit it into one bag!!!
anon
Right?
Fwiw, I don’t think it’s possible to find a bag that fulfills this many purposes. Anytime I’ve tried, the bag is a bottomless pit that does nothing well. I am very pro-backpack, in the interest of saving my back and shoulders.
Anon
Lol people always seemed to be shocked here that folks commute by foot/public transportation with work stuff, lunch, and gym clothes… lots of us do it!! And lots of us are looking for the holy grail bag :)
Anon
No, people ask for a sleek little tote that can hold all that stuff. No tote can do that. The answer is a backpack.
Anon
I’m not against backpacks except for the 6 months of the year when they make me too sweaty to commute in.
Also – it’s not easy finding a backpack that fits all of that. I use an old school backpack and it doesn’t all fit.
Anon1
I literally asked this question recently , never mentioned sleek in my question and had comments piling on about how sleek wasn’t possible (and how it wasn’t possible to carry all of this on a mile walk? Like I, and several of my coworkers, haven’t been doing this for years)
Nina
The Lululemon commuter bag has been working great for me for basically this
anon
Le Sportsac everygirl bag.
Anon
Not in style in 2022, but a longchamp (or knockoff) would be great for this.
Anonymous
+1 I’ve been using my Longchamp Le Pliage nylon tote bag for a similar purpose for many years (since it was in style). It’s not comfortable for carrying heavy loads, but for clothes and other lightweight but bulky items, it’s great. Perhaps water bottle in the other hand or just rely on water at the gym?
Anonymous
Vera Bradly Lighten Up Travel Bag/Backpack, if you can handle the print. I really love Vera Bradley for travel/commute because its also washable. Some of the other bags are less “cutesy” and are plain Black Microfiber.
athlete
this is maybe a weird suggestion but look into a triathalon bag. They have a ton of compartments for clothes, shoes, water bottles, phones. They also have waterproof/wet sections so you can store your sweaty gym clothes after. They tend to look really sporty, not sleek or work appropriate, but they are big and organized and carry a ton of stuff.
Anonymous
Many of my colleagues are at a conference in key West and I’m so jealous. Hopefully they have an extra margarita for me!
Anon
My colleagues all got to go to a conference in a fun location and I was very jealous. 80% of them got Covid at the conference. So there might be a silver lining here.
traveling anon
Any recs for a travel backpack? Needs to have a luggage sleeve and would love a dedicated space for a water bottle. At a minimum will hold some files/miscellaneous travel stuff, an iPad, and a ’13 in laptop. Ideally, something that looks “grown up” or professional enough that I can also take it to the events I’m traveling to. Thanks!
ALT
I have one from Target (their in-house travel brand, not sure what it’s called off the top of my head) that is specifically made for travel and I love it! It’s lightweight, has a laptop sleeve and water bottle pocket, locking zippers, wire reinforced straps, and zero branding. It’s solid black so unobtrusive and it’s pretty sleek!
Anonymous
Lo & Son Rowledge is pretty sleek, checks all your boxes, and can fit a ton!
curlsallday
Love ebags (I’ve posted on here before about them :) ) – their Pro slim in black is very sleek with great organization.
anon
Samsonite has a few cute nylon backpacks that fit this bill. Recommend.
Anonymous
I love my Longchamps one.
Follow up request
Did we ever get a follow up about the person whose sister (?) wasn’t sure if their divorce went through? Curious minds want to know the rest of that one…
Anon
Just commenting that the epilogues yesterday were so fun, thanks to the readers for posting.
Anon
Oh I missed that. Was that the morning or afternoon thread?
Anon
I’m not sure, I caught up later in the day on both threads but I think the morning.
And another...
Additional (random!) follow up request: the person whose entire neighborhood was supporting a high school senior in his manhunt/assassin game. Did he make it to the end??
pugsnbourbon
Oh that one was good! I hope he won.
Vicky Austin
Oh, yes, I really want to hear about that!!
Anon
That story made me so happy.
That was me!
HA! That was me!
No, he didn’t wub Actually, he was a final four and had one kid relentlessly pursuing him on the eve of an AP test. So, neighbor kid negotiated $20 from the assailant in exchange for a mercy kill so he could go on with his studies. I personally think he won in the end with that deal!
OP
Delightful!! Thanks for the update.
Anonymous
Oh! That was me! I’m only hearing my sister’s side of things, but according to her she asked him right off the bat which of the two possible counties he filed in, he told her A, where she checked and found no record. He kept telling her he did it, she never found the paperwork.
He didn’t get around to mailing the copy of the paperwork to her and she had to badger him about it for months and she finally got a copy (pic snapped on the phone when he said it was in the mail weeks ago) and it was in county B.
My sister is also a Character with Personality so I’m sure she was not exactly the most pragmatic in her approach to this. Has she checked to make sure the paperwork is actually in county B? No idea.
Op
Thanks for this! I’m glad it worked out in the end.
Anon
Recommendations for a therapist in Chicago? Looking to get advice on family dynamics and have a safety net for in case my controlled depression flares up. Bonus points for someone who understands intense corporate jobs.
Anon5
I’ve had multiple therapists through the Catalyst Clinical Group and all have been excellent. I would caution against going to Clarity Clinic–it’s basically a chop shop for newly minted therapists so turnover is constant as they all move on to better clinics, and I know many people who had bad experiences with their admin/billing teams
Jan Crystal
Ellen Markus MD at Northwestern. Both psychiatrist and had MBA
Book Recs
Another book question. I’m looking for some lighter reads. I’m a big fan of the Emily Giffin-to-The Royal We type reads but also really enjoy David Baladacci / James Patterson types. Also was a big fan of Defending Jacob, Gone Girl and The Girl on the Train.
Looking for a few titles so I can hopefully find one or two in stock at my library before vacation next week. TIA!
Anon
Julie Clark, The Last Flight and The Lies I Tell … my sisters and I have all enjoyed both and we are Emily Giffin fans. Also, Emily Giffin has a fairly new book out, Meant to Be, it’s a retelling of the JFK Jr story but a fun read never the less. Mary Kubica for the mystery types, she has a bunch so your library should have some of them.
ThirdJen
I just blitzed through Spoiler Alert and All the Feels, by Olivia Dade. They are fan-themed romances that center around a TV show that’s Definitely Not Game Of Thrones, and feature neurodivergent heroes and fat heroines. Lots of banter, and very low stakes. Deeply enjoyable.
Anonymous
Listening to Spoiler Alert now, it’s fun!
I always recommend Jennifer Crusie (Bet Me or Welcome to Temptation, but they’re all smart and hilarious romances with HEA). Really liked The Worst Guy (2 doctors). If you’re open to historical romance I enjoyed Bride Goes Rogue by Sophie Jordan.
AIMS
Emily Henry for the fluffier romantic stuff.
anonypotamus
I have been enjoying reading Karin Slaughter’s books – she has some standalone ones (False Witness is her newest and it is excellent, although sometimes graphic) and some series (Grant County series and the Will Trent series) that I also really liked. Kate White is another author I have been reading a lot (Such a Perfect Wife, Even if it Kills Her are some recent ones).
Jules
Anything by Ruth Ware is in the same thriller genre as Gone Girl and the Girl on the Train. Paula Hawkins, who wrote the latter, has two other books out, Into the Water and Slow Fire Burning.
Vicky Austin
I adore Ruth Ware and consider her the premium example of Thrillers for Wimps as a genre.
Also, OP, if you like David Baldacci/James Patterson, have you tried Mary Higgins Clark? She wrote a staggering number of books and they’re super easy to gobble up (as I and my peers did in junior high).
Carrots
The American Royals series by Katherine McGee is in the same vein as The Royal We. I wasn’t a huge fan of Emily Giffin, but think that Elin Hilderbrand falls into the same type of read, so if you liked Emily, you may enjoy Elin. I’ll always take an opportunity to recommend The Once and Future Witches for something that’s a little heftier.
anon
Some recent books I enjoyed that have the mistory/ action but light feel: The cartographers by Peng Shepherd,How to stop time by Matt Haig, Dial A for Aunties by Jesse Sutano
Laura
For romance, I loved Part of Your World by Abby Jimenez. I’ve enjoyed the Jasmine Guillory Wedding Date series too, if you have already read them.
Laura
*haven’t read them
Betsy
Taylor Jenkins Reid would be right up your alley. I think The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo is my favorite of hers, but Malibu Rising is a close second and everything else I’ve read from her is great too.
Anan
I just read Well Met, a romance set at a Renaissance Faire, and it was delightful.
Not recent, but also a lot of fun was Happy and You Know It, about a musician who ends up playing for a mom’s group and the soapy intrigues that follow.
The Wife In The Attic, kind of a contemporary spin on Jane Eyre was also fun/ creepy.
Anonymous
Well Met was cute! FYI, there are two more books in the series if you haven’t read them as well!
Carolyn
I went to a drawing class last night for the first time since I was a kid . . and it was amazing.
I’m not good at drawing, but it was so nice to learn something new and not be on a computer for a little while and just get a new perspective.
I really like learning things like this so I don’t know why I didn’t do it before.
anon
How fun! I love art and drawing, but I haven’t taken an art class since college. I’ve thought of trying to attend a class, but have never gotten around to doing it. How did you find the class you attended?
Carolyn
Just googled “drawing classes where-I-live” but what I realized is that any of the art studios etc that teach classes for kids or throw birthday parties also usually have adult classes. They weren’t happening for a while because of COVID but seem to be starting back up.
pugsnbourbon
Don’t forget your local colleges/universities/community colleges! Many of them have “continuing education” opportunities for non-credit learners.
Anonymous
Good for you! I just started taking voice lessons and am really enjoying the chance to be a student. It’s a refreshing change from being in charge all the time at work and at home.
Anan
I enrolled in an drawing class via zoom at my local community college early in the pandemic and it was the best pandemic money I ever spent.
anon
I went to the theater for the first time in FOREVER last night to see Elvis, and it was super good. Just FYI.
Shelle
That’s great to hear! Going to a movie theater is such a magical experience.
Anon
Looking for Weight Watchers friendly breakfast ideas, as well as snacks I can keep in my desk and/or quickly buy from a convenience store.. I already eat a lottttt of fruit for snacks but need an option that’s a little less perishable.
For breakfast- I usually pack from home and eat at my desk so making eggs isn’t an option. I usually eat things like oats, Icelandic yogurt or chia pudding.
Anonymous
I like to hard boil 2 eggs at home and stick them in my purse in a paper towel!
Anonymous
Omg me too. They are the best . I don’t even notice that it’s lunchtime. Very convenient and satisfying.
Flats Only
Assuming you have access to a microwave you can make eggs at work. Put your add ins (cheese, veggies, etc.) in a glass container with a cover, put in the whole egg too. When you get to work crack the egg and mix it up, then microwave covered for 1 minute. Instant relatively tasty omelet.
Vicky Austin
I used to do this in a mug in dorms. So easy.
Anon
When I did WW, I made these little mini quiche things in a cupcake tin and then would just heat it in the office microwave for like 30 seconds. I think I got the recipe from WW but it was eggs, milk, turkey bacon and gruyere. Pretty good, imo.
Anonymous
I buy peeled hardboiled eggs and pack those for breakfasts. When I’ve had success on WW, my go to convenience store snacks have been hard boiled eggs, bananas, hummus packs, string cheese, mini carrots or plain yogurt. I really have no suggestions for non-perishable snacks to keep at your desk — crackers/nuts/etc get pretty penalized in the WW points system– but I have kept single serve broth based soups in my drawer before. You could bring in single serve microwave popcorn too (assuming your office doesn’t ban microwave popcorn because of the smell).
Anonymous
What are your free foods on WW? Mine are chicken, oats, eggs, FFGY, and popcorn, so I tend to eat a lot of those. For work you could do overnight oats (either assembled at work or at home and moved to work), airpopped popcorn (made at home), hardboiled eggs or egg salad sandwich (the new “egg loaf bake” thing from tiktok was amazing) — those egg bites. FFGY + protein powder or PB2 + fiber 1 is like 2-3 points for me and keeps me full for hours. I went through a long period where I ate grilled chicken every morning for breakfast with dijon.
nonperishable – I eat a lot of Built bars, protein shakes like Fairlife, Quest chips (all 3 points for me), or half of another protein bar like Barebells or Kirkland (1 bar = 4, half = 2). You could probably do some oat bake muffins or something that would keep for a bit, or you could keep in the office freezer like vitatops and defrost on top of a cup of hot tea. Canned soup is also pretty easy at work if you have a big bowl and microwave, just watch the sodium content. Also, hydrate if you’re hungry.
Curious
What is an ffgy?
L
Fat free Greek yogurt?
Anon
fat free greek yogurt, probably – i had to think about that one!
Anon
This threw me for a few minutes too, but I agree that it’s probably fat free greek yogurt.
Curious
I had gotten to Greek yogurt, but was thinking full fat, which sounded delicious but not points free. Thank you!
anon
You might find some ideas on Skinnytaste.
Anonymous
Skinny taste has a great egg bake. I make it over the weekend (with frozen spinach) and cut a slice each morning to fill an English muffin (so it’s portable). DH, who eschews diet food, eats it too.
https://www.skinnytaste.com/breakfast-casserole-with-spinach-and-feta/
Anonymous
I did WW last year and my go-tos were:
0 fat Greek yogurt with fruit and granola (there are a few that are only 2-3 points for 1/3 cup). Only as many points as are in your granola.
Egg scramble/ huevos rancheros- eggs, beans, peppers & onions, hot sauce. Add a wrap if you want, otherwise 0 points. Add chicken or whatever if you want. You could make this in advance and have as egg cups.
Crustless quiche- fat free feta, eggs, veggies. Can make ahead and microwave. 0 points.
I don’t have much advice on snacks as I usually just made mini-meals. For the office maybe a 100 calorie english muffin and some cheese? I also used to make a 0 point buffalo chicken dip and eat that with celery for 0 points or tortilla chips for a few points.
anon
Recommend plain Greek yogurt (icelandic has a lot of sugar) with berries, and if it’s too sour, one splenda.
Cinnamon-chia-overnight oats are also my fave, and high protein.
Anon
Moved to a new town during covid and struggling to meet people. People have said here they make friends going to fitness classes so I tried that this summer but struggling to meet people there (seems like everyone gets in and out for the work out).
Anon
I always recommend joining a sports team. I made friendlyish connections playing rec kickball and made actual friends playing club soccer.
Anon
Could you try a variation that’s more conducive to conversation? (I’m thinking of something like a trail walk)
Anon
I’ve always made friends at work, can you go into your office?
Nyc
Have you tried yoga studios? I agree other workout types seem to be in-and-out. Yoga studios in my experience foster more of a community and people often go to the same class at the same time every week / linger after class.
iamthewalrus
Just keep showing up.
I’ve had better luck meeting people if the classes were on the smaller side and if I went consistently so I saw the same people over and over again, FWIW. Also, some studios are more conducive to building a community, specially if they are independently owned and operated. Maybe you can use Insta or other social media to scope out other studios in your city.
I also second the suggestion to join other sports/activity groups – running / walking / hiking / kickball, etc.
IL
It’s hard! My barre studio has pop-up classes at vineyards and breweries during the summer weather which helps enormously because people do linger to have a glass of wine and chat afterwards. I wouldn’t say I’ve made close friends but it is social time. Maybe see if there are similar offerings in your town?
But my biggest tip right now would actually be to volunteer locally for the upcoming November election. The timing is perfect and they are looking for volunteers.
JM
Recommendations for a black estate planning attorney in North Dallas/Plano area? Would consider other POC if you have recommendations. Not having luck on search engines. Thanks.
anon
Yikes.
Anon
Nothing is yikes about this!
Curious
+1.
Anon
+1,000
Anon
Assuming good intentions, she’s probably trying to bring more business to Black or Latina attorneys. Presumably, she’s going to pay a talented professional quite well for their work, rather than having that money be directed to people who are no more talented but have tremendous advances in life. It’s no different than trying to shop at Black-owned businesses.
And if I can figure this out as a conservative, why can’t this very progressive community understand?
Anon
Advantages, not advances….
JM
Thank you. This is exactly it.
Janey
Ah nevermind, just saw this.
Janey
Or, OP is black and wants someone who is also black.
Anon
This was my guess
Anonymous
To be fair, exactly one person (not the entire community) responded that way.
Anonymous
Have you looked at affinity bar groups for Dallas or Texas? Even if the Black lawyers on the various steering committees, etc don’t specialize in T&E, I suspect they’d be open to making a referral within their network.
Anonymous
This is the same Anonymous. OP – I assumed from your post that your family is Black and that you wanted a lawyer who might be more likely to have a shared perspective. If you are white, please do not reach out to a random non-T&E lawyer in the affinity group and ask for a recommendation. (Contacting a lawyer who is actually does T&E would be fine – visibility/networking is part of why people volunteer their time for committees.)
Anon
Reach out to NAMWOLF for a referral.
Sunshine
I do not. I have an older white man who did our estate planning in North Dallas who I liked a lot. If you cannot find someone, post again and I’ll provide his info.
Otherwise, I second the idea if reaching out to the Dallas Bar Association. If there is an affinity group, that group could be helpful.
Josie P
The Dallas Estate Planning Council has a member directory – from there you can g o o g l e and find out more about the members :)
JM
Thank you!
AustinEPAtty
You might try the Board Certification search engine. It likely doesn’t have a race/ethnicity filter but I think it does generally have head shots on the results page.
JM
Thanks!
bub
I need to replace my superga slip-ons from a few years ago. The new ones have a thick sole and look heavy; reviews aren’t great. Anyone tried them or have a similar suggestion? I loved that the supergas had backs but I could still easily slide into them (unlike vans).
anon
I have slip-ons from Dr. Scholls and Keds.
Chl
I’m wearing these today! I have gotten a couple pairs basically brand new off Poshmark because I miss them so much!
Long Covid- gastro
Anyone had lasting gastro issues weeks after having Covid? It was one of my primary symptoms when I caught it mid-July and my stomach is still super touchy. I feel like I’m queasy frequently and bm much more frequently. I’ll call my doc if it persists much longer.
And no I’m not pregnant.
Anon
I haven’t had Covid but it’s relatively normal for your GI system to be messed up for weeks after a bad bout of vomiting and/or diarrhea. I don’t know that this long Covid so much as just a sensitive GI tract.
Anonymous
Yogurt always helps me with these types of issues.
pugsnbourbon
When I had gum surgery a few years ago I ate nothing but yogurt and those squeezy fruit & veggie packs for children. My mouth hurt but my guts were excellent.
Anonymous
Yes. Covid mid-May. GI symptoms persist. Also reduced appetite. I have read this is not uncommon but I am very ready for it to be over.
Anonymous
Have you tried metamucil bars? They make a cookie that is sort of like the outside of an oreo. It may seem counterintuitive if you’re, um, loose. But it helps get things sorted. I don’t know if it will work in regard to Covid, but I lost part of my ascending colon in surgery and adding that into my diet was night and day. I no longer take them now, but it seriously made all the difference in the world at the time when things like pepto and immodium weren’t helping enough.
AustinEPAtty
I have seen it referenced as a symptom (esp w the recent variants) but hadn’t heard any anecdotal info yet. You have that honor :/.
Anon
My husband has Covid now and has diarrhea. My pediatrician said vomiting and diarrhea have always been pretty common symptoms in kids.
Anonymous
so after I got covid in June (which was an extremely mild experience for me), I started having mysterious severe acid reflux 24/7 that doesn’t seem to vary with food type of intake. I’ve done all of the things: propped the head of my bed up, sleep on my left side, sleep on a wedge, tiny meals, don’t eat after 5pm, no acidic foods, no fatty foods (I did a full 2 weeks of only cabbage soup and oatmeal with zero symptom change), no caffeine or alcohol and never smoked. I’m on 40mg omeprazole plus famotidine and did an endoscopy (everything normal! no ulcers, no hiatal hernia). I’m here about a month and a half in and everyone is scratching their heads and I’m totally miserable (worst part is I just can.not.sleep at night). Anyway, our best working guess is it was triggered by covid because the timing was so suspicious and I have had zero history of acid reflux before. Also not pregnant!
However FWIW I hear that this is very atypical for covid related GI symptoms too – it sounds like diarrhea and indigestion is way more common
Curious
Ugh ugh ugh that’s the worst. Have you tried a straight up antihistamine? My non-pregnancy acid stomachaches are almost often allergic, and they get worse after viral illness. Claritin, of all things, knocks them out.
anon
Long hauler here, also with GI issues. I’ve had BM issues for two years now and I also developed severe reflux out of nowhere. For the reflux thing it didn’t matter what I ate, and the various prescription meds barely made a dent. Find a gastroenterologist who will prescribe Enteragam. It’s expensive and technically for IBS-D but it completely cured my covid-related reflux issues. I took it once daily for a month and haven’t needed it since. I was able to ditch the traditional reflux meds as well. I’m happily back on my tomato and coffee-heavy diet. I actually would NOT recommend probiotics for IBS-D symptoms. They’ve always made my issues worse, even if I ramped up my dosage very slowly.
edj3
My husband and I both now have touchy guts where we didn’t prior to COVID a few weeks ago. I’m vegan so yogurt is out although I did find and am taking a vegan probiotic. It may do nothing but at least I tried.
Anon
People who are better at routine healthcare than I am, what’s your age and what doctors to see you yearly? I am good about dental cleanings but terrible at the rest.
No Face
Middle 30s here. I see my PCP and OBGYN each year. Everyone else is as needed.
Anon
28 years old and I see my PCP, GYN, and Derm annually. I don’t have any other doctors I see on any basis, except for when expressly referred by another doctor. I’ve had several breast ultrasounds and biopsies so I guess I go to the radiologist almost annually now, but only after a referral from my GYN.
I have good enough vision (no longer 20/20, but I don’t wear contacts/glasses yet) so I do the eye doctor every 3ish years. I am embarrassed in how long it’s been since I’ve been to a dentist (mine retired and I haven’t found a new one)
Grace
Primary care provider, gyno, dentist, optometrist, and gastro (have chronic gut issues). Probably should see a derm more, but currently don’t. Age 29.
Grace
Ha, this thread encouraged me to schedule two of my annual appointments. Thanks for the reminder!
Anon
PCP
Dentist x2
Eye doctor (sometimes more like every 18 months)
Neurologist x4 (for a chronic condition)
Mammogram
Some other specialists as needed
I’m in my early 40s and my PCP does basic gyn care, so I don’t bother with yet another doctor for that.
Anonymous
This is a good guide. Though I think it’s dated. Colonoscopy should be at 45. Colon cancer is happening a lot younger these days so hugely important to not put that off.
Anonymous
Submitted to soon. Posting the screenings: https://www.tricitymed.org/2016/09/guide-health-screenings-age-infographic/#:~:text=signs%20of%20cancer-,Pap%20Smear%20%E2%80%93%20every%203%20years%20%E2%80%93%20tests%20risk%20for%20cervical%20cancer,tests%20for%20signs%20of%20osteoporosis
Anon
I try to see my obgyn annually. It was easier to force myself to go when I was on birth control pills. Skin cancer runs in my family so I am very diligent with seeing a derm every year. I do need a new primary though! My last one wasn’t great.
Nyc
Mid 30s and I see a gym yearly, dentist twice a year, and a derm every 2-3 years.
I’ve never had a PCP – what does one do at the PCP?
Anon
Who do you see if you get sick? I guess you can go to urgent care if it’s an emergency, but they don’t treat chronic issues and in my city, it takes 6+ months to get an appointment with a new PCP so you definitely want to establish care in advance if any problems. Otherwise, I just do an annual exam with a basic physical, including paps if needed, they order blood work and any preventative tests, and they renew all my prescriptions.
Nyc
This is helpful, thanks. I should look into lining someone up. To date, I’ve been lucky to never be sicker than the occasional flu or cold. Tbh, I never had my blood drawn before pregnancy!
pugsnbourbon
Sometimes if you’ve established care with a PCP they can squeeze you in for something like strep or a sinus infection, rather than having to wait for hours at the urgent care.
Anon
I don’t have a PCP. My OB has called in prescriptions for UTIs and referred me to a specialist when I had a chronic health condition that was out of her domain. Other than that, I’ve only needed to see a doctor once in the last 10 years (sinus infection) and I just went to an urgent care and got the antibiotics I needed.
Curious
Annual physical. Depression screen, blood work, pap if needed.
Anonymous
My pcp was amazing when I had an emergency health issue. Acted as the doctor air traffic controller.
Anon
41 – mostly healthy
FSA bonus through my company for biometric screening each year (bloodwork, height, weight, waist measurement) – get an extra $300 added to FSA for doing this
PCP for annual check up (bloodwork, physical exam, touch base on various health matters if I have questions/concerns) – additional appts throughout the year if something comes up and I can’t get it taken care of through Dr. on Demand
Gyn for annual wellness (all the standard stuff – including all the STD testing)
Eye dr. (glasses/contacts)
Dentist x2 annually
Derm for skin check
Mammogram/Ultrasound because yay dense/cystic bewbs
Psychiatrist every 3 months unless otherwise needed/something changes
Therapist every week
Ortho every month-two because of a partially torn hamstring (obviously not necessarily an annual thing but it looks like it may go into next year based on current progress)
Physical therapy for the above about 2x/wk
Periodically, I review my current health/wellness and add in/remove a few things that may not necessarily be doctor appts but keep me on the right track. I like to check in with myself and see if I either want to add in or if I am currently taking advantage of things already in use.
– acupuncture
– nutritionist
– body work (massages – mostly deep/sport)
– gym (physical/virtual) memberships
– health/wellness apps
– meal/food delivery subs
Curious
Mid 30s. PCP 1x, dentist 2x, optometrist 1x, everyone else as needed.
Curious
(everyone else: therapist and oncologist. I should probably find a derm…)
Anon
51, see PCP annually for physical (which includes any OB/GYN exam necessary), PCP schedules all necessary appointments automatically, which include annual mammogram, routine blood testing, and anything else she thinks I need, teeth cleaning twice a year, eye exam and new glasses every year. My PCP is amazing and part of a really good healthcare system, so my medical life other than dentist is pretty much an auto schedule from my perspective. Schedule a physical and ask you PCP what you need and on what schedule.
NYNY
I’m terrible at routine healthcare, but I found a hack that helps: I now see a Family Medicine nurse practitioner as my PCP, because she also manages my routine gynecology needs.
ALT
Early 30s here. I go to:
PCP yearly for a physical
GYN yearly for a well woman check and as needed for a recurring condition
Eye doctor yearly for contacts/glasses
Dentist every 6 months
Dermatologist every 6 months for a skin check (skin cancer history)
Physical therapist every month or so for some mobility issues
A Nonny Mouse
I am 49 and I see my primary, GYN, dermatologist, audiologist (for a chronic condition), eye doctor, mammogram and for the last few years endocrinologist (for a wonky thyroid) annually. Usually good about the dentist 2X year but the pandemic, moving, and a crappy new dental plan threw me off so it has been 2.5 years.
Anonymous
Late 20s. Annual: Dentist 2x, eye doctor (very bad eyes + contacts prescription renewal), derm (acne-related prescription refills). Gyn annual-ish but since IUD & Pap recommendation going to 3 years, I don’t stress about missing a year. PCP only as needed after an initial physical.
Anonymous
Dentist 1-2x per year
Eye Dr 1x per year
Endocrinologist 1-4x per year depending on blood results (thyroid issues + PCOS)
Moved recently and need a PCP and Gyn, but typically once every 2 years for both. My Endo does routine bloodwork and I have gone to Minute Clinic-type places in a pinch when sick.
Anon
Thank you for the reminder to make my annual appointments! I always go in August for my PCP and GYN and in the winter for my Derm. Late 20s. Those are the only 3 I see annually, and just started the Derm last year.
pugsnbourbon
Same here, gotta find my new providers.
35, last year was PCP, dentist (twice), derm, optometrist. I forgot my GYN.
pugsnbourbon
Oh and my LPN for my meds.
Anon
42 yes old, generally healthy
Annually: PCP for physical, mammogram, derm (when I can actually get an appt)
Twice yearly: dentist
Three years: GYN
My PCP is concierge medical so I see him as needed to manage my pernicious anemia/B12 levels and ferritin and vit D, etc.
I need to see the eye doc more but with 20/20 from Lasik, I forget.
cat socks
I’m 45. I see my PCP yearly. I get money put into my HSA account when I get a biometric screening each year so that’s what prompted me to get a PCP in the first place. I’m glad I did, b/c that’s when I found out I had thyroid issues. My doctor’s office also does sick-bay for an hour each morning where you can go in without an appointment. It’s so much better than waiting in urgent care for things like a UTI or cold/flu.
I see my OB/GYN once a year.
Dentist every six months.
Eye doctor once a year. I wear contacts and glasses and sometimes have changes in my prescription.
I’m also at the age to get my first colonoscopy so that’s scheduled for the fall.
Anon
I’m 37. I see my OBGYN annually and my endocrinologist (I have Graves’ disease) twice a year. I don’t have a need for a PCP. My OB does basic health checks (listening to my heart and lungs, bloodwork, etc) and will refer me to a specialist when I have another issue.
I’m bad about the dentist and the optometrist. I have glasses but only for driving and my prescription hasn’t changed in ~10 years and I haven’t gone to the optometrist in years. My endocrinologist does check my eyes for signs of thyroid eye disease, which thankfully I don’t have for now.
Anonymous
37. PCP once a year for physical/bloodwork so I have a baseline (and to maintain a patient relationship so I can get in for an appointment if i have an actual issue), derm once a year for acne med refills, GYN for annual, dentist x 2, optometrist once a year (I wear contacts), and mammo once a year (dense breast tissue and prior cysts that felt like concerning lumps that mean I started that earlier than the usual recommendation of 40 :-/ )
Anne-on
41, my ‘normal’ doctor visits are dentist 2x/year, optometrist yearly, obgyn yearly, PCP yearly, dermatologist (just for skin cancer checks) yearly (and closer to quarterly for either botox or random acne/eczema related consults).
I also have an ortho I see 2x year, a neurologist I see about 2-3x year, and then either my rheumatologist or a vascular surgeon 1-2x year for my POTS/EDS stuff.
Anony
Oooo hey fellow Zebra!!
Anne-on
Ugh, it’s both super annoying and yet validating to finally have confirmation it’s not ‘all in my head’. Plus I’m kind of shocked at how much better I feel with pretty cheap/minor prescriptions and dietary changes!
Anony
I agree… drinking salt water and/or electrolyte water especially – like who knew?! I don’t have an official EDS diagnosis; no adult geneticists in my state and the rheumatologist would only give me a ‘hypermobility spectrum disorder’ diagnosis. Luckily, my DO gets it as do my other doctors.
Alanna of Trebond
I see a PCP and ObGyn approximately every 1-2 years. I think dentists are scammers.
Anonymous
Wait, what? I’m fascinated by the dentist comment. Can you elaborate?
Anon
They all claim that you need a “deep clean” now, which is not covered by routine insurance. They generally refuse to do just the routine cleaning, no matter what. I think it’s a scam.
Nyc
Interesting experience. I’ve never had that happen to me, although my dentist already charges an arm and leg for a regular cleaning so maybe that’s why! I’d try other dentists. Hopefully you’ll find someone more honest
kitten
I’ve had that experience multiple times as well. I go once every few years and somehow never have any cavities; when I was going twice a year I almost always had one or two each time….
Anonymous
This is why I love my dentist. He will actually talk you out of extra stuff.
pugsnbourbon
That’s wild! I’ve always had bad teeth (thanks to childhood antibiotics) but only had to do the “deep clean” once.
I don’t think dentists are scammers but I think some orthodontists are. I feel like a lot of kids in the mid-late 90s got way more interventions than they really needed.
Anon
Re:orthodontia it’s much worse now! In my day everyone got braces in middle school. Now its common for kids to do at least two rounds of orthodontics, with the first round as young as 5 or 6.
Anon
I’ve good dentists and scammers. The scammers are definitely out there! I had fillings done that I definitely didn’t need done (learned the hard way). I’ve also been given the hard sell on caps I definitely didn’t need either (by then I was older and knew that I should delay a decision/get a second opinion).
Anon
My husband had the scammy “deep cleaning” experience too. We sought a second opinion and they said it wasn’t necessary.
Also a doctor (MD) told me the every six months rule is kind of made up. She said you shouldn’t ignore the dentist for 5 years, but going every year or two is fine. You don’t need such regular cleanings. I have happily followed that advice.
Anon
Yes. Some people need the every six month cleaning, but it’s because of medical issues, so we know who we are and why we need it.
Anony
39, have an osteopath/DO that is also my PCP and I see her monthly for osteopathic manipulations, RX refills, and management of a chronic condition. Just added another doc in her practice to do my annual exams/physicals. Also have another DO that I see monthly for injections in my back. Acupuncturist, as needed. Dentist, 2x per year. Eye doc, once every 3-4 years. I have a high maintenance body that’s a pain to take care of but I do like seeing my DO every month.
Anon
These responses are interesting to me as a Canadian. I’m 37. Yearly physicals aren’t recommended here anymore. I get a pap every 3 years which is the typical schedule here if you’ve never had an abnormal one. Thankfully I have a wonderful GP who is very proactive about referring me to specialists as needed. I see the dentist twice a year and eye doctor when I notice my eyes have gotten worse, probably every 2 or 3 years.
Anon
Annual paps aren’t recommended in the US either if you’re low risk. I believe it’s every 3 years or every 5 years if it’s in conjunction with a negative HPV test. My OB did the HPV test for me at my last visit so now I don’t have to have a pap for 5 years.
Anonymous
The time frames for US recommendations are the same. The reason otherwise healthy adults who go to the PCP go more frequently is because of the commercialization of medicine. Absolutely no reason for someone who isn’t pregnant to go to both a PCP and a GYN every year, but insurance will cover it so people go thinking that’s what’s recommended. Doctors have no incentive to discourage it — plus, they know it’s easier for patients to stay on top of visits if they set do them routinely. My PCP does discourage annual check ups — and only does PAPs every 3 years– which means I’m often finding myself losing track of when to schedule the next visit.
Anon
I like going to the GYN (or PCP) annually for a manual breast exam. I know you can do them yourself at home but 1) I’m not good about remembering and 2) even if I did, I’m not an expert like she is.
BelleRose
Breast exams are so important! My mom’s late-stage breast cancer was found 3 months after her annual mammo by her PCP doing an exam (she’s doing great now, but would have been different story if she hadn’t been diagnosed until her next mammo…)
Canadian OP
Yeah, that make sense. When your healthcare is funded by your province (and my province is led by a goon who believes in cutting healthcare), things like yearly physicals aren’t funded.
Anonymous
My yearly PCP visit is what caught anemia that had become severe over a year–and triggered further investigation that caught my aggressive cancer while it was still Stage 2 (just before for lymph nodes). With no family history or symptoms and otherwise healthy at 42, that was the only reason. But, please, talk on about why all doctors blindly led by “no incentives” want to pursue something… worthless.
Gross.
Out of all the problems with our current healthcare system, too much access is about bottom of the list.
Curious
And my PCP is where my midwives sent me 2 weeks post-partum when I was having trouble swallowing. She’s the one who got me in fast for an ultrasound and tracked everything hard until I had a diagnosis (hello, lymphoma). She is so good.
Anon
I blame Atul Gawande for popularizing the “too much access” myth.
Anonymous
Annual physicals are not recommended or not covered by government?
anon
PCP, OBGYN, derm and Dentist annually. I figure I pay for the insurance, so I might as well use it.
anon
Late 30s
Therapist monthly
PCP annually
Dentist biannually
Gyn every 3 years
Optometrist every 3 years
Others as needed
FormerlyPhilly
I’m 44 years old
PCP annual physical (routine bloodwork plus checking thyroid and orders mammogram)
OBGYN annual physical usually but if she wants me to skip a year I do (no children/never been pregnant)
Ophthalmologist annual eye exam (I get new glasses yearly and Rx seems to change every year)
Derm annual skin cancer screening
Mammogram annual
Dentist 2x annually usually sometimes I fall behind and it’s not exactly every 6 months
PSA: between the age of 25 and through half of my 30s, I was that “healthy” person who didn’t need a PCP or to see one regularly. Then, at 35, I had some crazy unexpected stuff happen (contracted an antibiotic resistant infection and discovered an internal cyst on an organ that wrecked havoc)… all this to say: please establish yourself with a good internal medicine PCP if you don’t already have one, because when the sh$t hits the fan it is good idea to have a “home base” to help coordinate your care and to be the clinician who you go to when the specialists say it’s outside their domain and to talk to internal medicine for more problem solving.
Anon
+1 to this. Evidence suggests that it’s not actually that important to have annual exams, but I still see my PCP annually because I want to have established care. Even if your insurance doesn’t require a referral to a specialist, lots of specialists require one to get an appointment, so you definitely want someone who can help you navigate any medical issues that might arise. It’s also useful to have periodic blood pressure measurements and blood work done, as those pick up on risk factors you wouldn’t know about without these measurements, and when you get into your 40s you need someone to order mammograms, colonoscopies, etc. Mine also renews a whole bunch of prescriptions at my annual exams (birth control, several allergy meds, a skin treatment, sometimes other things), so my annual exam is for that as much as anything else.
BelleRose
29y/o, I knock out pretty much everything with my annual PCP appt in the fall: flu shot, breast exam, derm check, Rx refilled, and gyn as needed. Only time I’ve seen an actual gyn was for my IUD.
My FIL is a dentist, so see him 2x/yr, then eye doctor about every 2 yrs (should be every year, but I don’t change my contacts as often as I should….).
Anon
42 and in good health.
Pcp (full panel of bloodworm), gyn, and mammo annually. I saw derm for mole checks annually but was told to just let her know if anything changes and come in every two years after several uneventful mole checks.
Anon
I know this was a typo and that bloodwork was intended, but I had a moment of horror imagining the full panel of bloodworm.
Selling work wear
I have a ton of workwear that doesn’t fit. Not designer, mainly mall brands like J Crew and Banana Republic. Is there any way to get some money for this that doesn’t involve monitoring Poshmark and sending a million packages out? Like is there a service where I can send all my stuff and they’ll deal with that part for a commission?
Anonymous
you need a local consignment store. Thredup is barely worth the effort at this point.
Anon
Local consignment shop. :)
Anon
Sounds like ThredUp might be your best bet.
Anon
Except they’ll give you 32 cents for a bag of clothes. If you don’t want to poshmark yourself, you might be able to hire a taskrabbit or someone through a Nextdoor type app to do it for you.
No Face
Check out local for-profit resale or consignment shops. Non profits take donations, but the for-profit ones pay for the clothes
Anonymous
Where I live the consignment shops only take high-end stuff, but resale shops will pay you a teeny bit for mall brands in good condition.
Anon
Honestly, when I went through a massive closest purge a few weeks ago with similar brands of clothes, after looking at all the options I decided that making a small amount of money wasn’t worth the effort. I just donated everything.
Senior Attorney
I think donating it and writing it off on your taxes is probably going to get you the most return for the amount of effort involved.
Nyc
Do you have any similarly sized friends who might want to freshen their wardrobes with your items? Alternatively, you could try posting pics on a local buy nothing Facebook group. I’m skeptical of most goodwill items making it into the hands of someone who wants it and will use it…
Vicky Austin
And/or would you want to post in detail here? I’d snap some of that stuff up in a heartbeat if it’s my size.
Curious
+1.
Anon
Our local probation department has an amazing program to recycles and provides clothes to those interviewing for jobs and entering the workforce. I suggest you donate to something similar if you can afford to do so.
Anonymous
When will the oversized blazer look be over? I just can’t with all these blazers that make me look 3 sizes bigger. But going with more traditional cuts look kind of out of touch. I’m beginning to doubt my own taste at this point.
Formerly Lilly
Here I am again to proselytize for classic pieces! Dressed in a classic style, you may not be on trend, but you will look appropriate. Please don’t doubt your own taste – you know what you like and what suits you, right? And maybe it was a different trend. My short self was super happy when the high hip length jacket and ankle pants suit was on trend. I’m with you on the oversized blazers. Somehow I manage to look either like I’m playing dress up or just plain sloppy, so I haven’t bought any of them and am defaulting back into purely classic pieces at the moment.
No Face
I’m skipping this trend. I don’t think more traditional blazers look out of touch at all.
anon
Ugh right? Oversized blazers look super dumb and dumpy on me. The only person I’ve seen rock this look is my gorgeous coworker who is literally 6 feet tall and still built like a college track and field star.
Z
I want to be able to do the oversize blazer look but I am a pear shaped petite. They look so much better on the models. I bought an oversized blazer from Madewell that I ended up returning. It was a really cute light pink but unlined, itchy, and lacked any structure. It was not oversized in a cute way – it looked like a pink potato sack on me.
anon
On my team of seven people we have a hybrid approach for in-office vs. working from home. Right now most people WFH and occasionally go into the office. Management wants me to encourage (but not require) in-person days twice a week. Any recommendations for software tools or a process that lets us share when we plan to go in? Ideally each person can share when they plan to go into the office and see who else is going in that day. If everyone blindly shows up on different days then that defeats the purpose of being in person. But I want to avoid mandating “Tuesdays and Thursdays everyone must come in.” We use Outlook for emails and calendars, if that makes a difference. Thanks!
Anon
I’m doing target days – not anchor days or mandatory days – on Tuesday and Thursday where everything being equal, aim to go in then for critical mass. Still gives people flexibility if it doesn’t work on any particular Tuesday or Thursday but it sets up when more people are likely to be in without a lot of scheduling hassle.
Anon
I’ve used Asana for this type of thing. It’s also nice to help log active projects in general. I think the “free” version works for up to 15 people on a team.
Clementine
We’ve tried various spreadsheets and shared docs, but what seems to work best is that people just put in their Outlook ‘Clementine In Office’ or ‘Clementine Telecommute’. My individual teams also kind of chatted and figured out what worked for their team. Basically, we told them the goals, gave it a couple weeks, and our staff ended up being normal adult professionals.
We didn’t end up needing to mandate days – people kind of naturally found a pattern that worked. I will say that Tuesdays basically everyone is in-office, but I do have one team that does M/T/every other Wednesday, one team that does T/Th/every other Friday, and another team that does T/W/Every other Thursday. It’s also fallen into enough of a rhythm that people are happy to swap days if it makes sense.
anon
Have people send an Outlook meeting invitation. That’s how people do OOO notifications at our office. I can look at my calendar and easily see if someone is not available.
Anonymous
Set up a team calendar for outlook? We use one to know when everyone is on vacation, so I could see it working for this. Just put what days you’ll be in the office on it.
NYNY
^ this is the best way
PolyD
We just have a table on Teams and people put in what days they’ll be in the office. It is dependent on the person who is in charge of this to update the table, I think she does 2 weeks at a time. So not the most efficient way, but it works okay.
Anon
Frankly, as an employee, I would much rather be told “most weeks you need to come in on Tues and Thurs” rather than try to play LSAT logic games with everyone’s schedule.
Anon
Agree. And for people who need to plan their lives around commuting vs WFH (like taking turns with spouse having the car or coordinating pickup up kids from daycare), they can’t be expected to switch up their office days every week to come in whenever most other people are. If you think it’s important that everyone is there on the same day, tell people they must be in the office one particular set day and then one other day of their choosing, preferably X day.
Anon
I totally agree. I think it’s nice to give people some flexibility so that if they have a doctor’s appointment or something on Tuesday they can come in on Monday instead that week. But I’d much prefer a blanket “X and Y are the standard days in the office, try to be here then” than some guessing game where I have to coordinate my schedule with others every week.
Anon
We use a slack channel. only thing that goes in the channel is a poll someone set up to automatically post in the channel on thursdays. everyone in the channel can ‘vote’ in the poll on the days of the week they individually plan on being in the office for the following week. handy to see when most people are planning on being in the office without having another calendar to check.
Jo April
I am starting a new job next week (yay!), and I will be remote for the next six months at least, but the first few days are on-site for paperwork and buildings tours and meeting people and whatnot …and I am apparently catching a 7:25 commuter train to get in at 8:33, which forces me to leave the house at 6:43. I was hoping they would start my schedule at 9:30, which would mean I could catch the 8:15 Amtrak that gets in at 8:54, but no.
(Uber apparently shaves off only five minutes of the pre-train time and I’d be willing to throw money at this problem but five minutes is absolutely not worth it.)
UGH.
Curious
Ugh for sure.
Anon
How much is an Uber the whole way to get in? For a couple of days I might treat myself as a happy new job gift to take the pressure off.
Jo April
Over a hundred bucks, I think, and it would be at least 90 minutes because I’d hit morning traffic on both ends.
Anne-on
I fully agree with the ‘ugh’ as someone who has to do both the commuter rail and the T when I go into the office which easily takes me 90 minutes door to door (drive to commuter rail parking lot, train into south station, T transfer, walk to office, check in and get up to my desk). My best advice is to put everything by your door the night before including shoes/water/food and set our your entire outfit inlcuding underwear/accessories. I tend to shower at night on those days and just refresh my hair in the AM so all I have to do is fix hair/put on makeup/put on clothes and accessories I laid out the night before, slip on shoes and grab my bag and then walk out the door.
I also question how the heck I did a daily commute (45 minute train ride 1-way) in the nyc boroughs into midtown for so long!
Clementine
UGHHH. That’s annoying.
Anon
Last week, a commenter looked up am ex online and found that his wife/ex wife filed for a restraining order. I dated an abusive POS back in college; he harassed me for years after I dumped him. Looked him up online and his wife filed for divorce in July. I have never wanted so much to hug and high-five a total stranger in my entire life….
Anonymous
I dated someone briefly who was an abusive sociopath. Only way I finally got him to leave me alone was moving to another city, staying off all socials and calling his mother to relay to him that if he called my office one more time that I would be contacting the authorities. That was 20 years ago and I still feel queasy just thinking about it. I feel sorry for whatever female is out there that has encountered him. I wish there was a flashing danger sign you could stamp on people to warn others.
anonanon
I’m about to spill something out here mostly because I don’t know where to say it.
Firm 1 – I moved for a firm to my current large (non-NY) city and it was good and incredibly busy but not in-person and I wanted to be with people so I moved (this was a mistake and I see this now)
Firm 2 – Boutique, in person, very lifestyle, all one big client and very form based. I really disliked the form based work and they told they didn’t feel the firm and I were a match. I wasn’t that sad. I stayed and kept working until I found something new. I felt like I was losing any skill I had here because there was no drafting or complex negotiations
Firm 3 – I was very excited about this. Great office and in person but I basically don’t do anything. I’ve billed like 50 hours in 3 months. I’m not saying my work is perfect but it is hard to improve when you do one billable thing every three weeks. They talked to me about it 3 weeks ago and we have another meeting today and the group leader asked me to work from home so pretty sure I am being fired. I’m just sad.
Senior Attorney
Ugh, I’m sorry this is happening to you! I hope you are able to land on your feet!
SSJD
I’m sorry. Wait and see what’s coming before jumping to conclusions. But even if you are being fired, hang in there. I’ve been through something similar. This too will pass. It’s understandable to look back and conclude that leaving Firm 1 was a mistake, but don’t beat yourself up too much. Mistakes happen, and that’s how you learn.
Anon
What level are you? I’m sure you’ll land in your feet but we might have better thoughts based on where you are in your career experience-wise. Best wishes to you in general!
Anon
What’s going on that they don’t have work for you? I wouldn’t jump to firing just yet – maybe they want to explain why work has been slow or tell you you’ll be doing work in a different area? Firing you after 3 months seems super weird!
Anon
So sorry this is happening to you. There was a good thread on a similar topic here recently but one good piece of advice was to try to negotiate staying on longer (reduced or no pay or something like that) so that you can job hunt while saying that you still have a job. But hopefully it isn’t that!! It could be if the whole firm is that slow that they want to renegotiate your salary? I would start job hunting now in any event. Good luck – keep your head up and hang in there!! You will get through this.
anon
My 45-year-old cousin is getting married for the first time this weekend! I’m at a loss for what to get her. She and her DH didn’t register because they have all the housewares they could possibly need. I was thinking cash for a honeymoon excursion, but how much? We’re in the Midwest and cash gifts are not nearly as … lavish as some of the amounts I’ve seen on this board. I also feel weird about giving money to someone in my peer group but I guess I need to get over it, lol.
Anon
I married in my 40s and didn’t register because we eloped. Got tons of lovely gifts anyway. We’re still drinking all the champagne nearly ten years later so I’d avoid that. Absolutely loved getting cheese from Cowgirl Creamery – received a three month subscription but they have a lot of options as I’ve copied this idea. At the time I loved getting open table gift certificates, not sure if that’s still an option. My area has moved on to Tock and Resy so I’d see if that’s an option.
Anon
Looks like Tock offers gift cards (and now I’ve solved a wedding gift search of my own), probably depends on location whether this is a good idea
https://www.exploretock.com/gift
DallasAnon
I’m in TX and do $150. I’m in my 30s so maybe that is low but it’s about a place setting of china so it feels like what I would spend on a gift.
Anonymous
This is really helpful. My cousin is getting married in TX in the spring and trying to figure out how much she can spend on the wedding. No parents so no big contributions there. I was guessing she should expect closer to $100 per guest and calculating from there, but we may have a bit more wiggle room on the budget if she can expect to be reimbursed closer to $150 per.
Curious
It’s not cash, though.
Anon
I agree that cash is weird for peers. I think special consumables are the way to go here. Wine, fancy olive oil/vinegar set, cupcakes, bacon–whatever you can have delivered after the wedding or honeymoon, that they will receive and think, “Oh, how sweet that Cousin Anon thought of us,” and then enjoy using.
Mouse
A fun food gift is ice cream from Jeni’s – they’ll ship it!
Anon
I’m a Midwesterner who travels in non-fancy circles. For cash gifts, we normally do $100 unless the person is very close or they go out of their way to do something special for us (we gave $200 to my BFF and also to my husband’s cousin because her family paid for our hotel room at her wedding). I agree OpenTable or Resy gift cards are good options if you don’t want to do cash.
Anon
I’m in NYC and I just give $150 per person so $300 if I bring a guest.
Anon
LCOL in the Midwest. I would get her a gift certificate to a really nice restaurant that covers the cost of a meal.
Senior Attorney
If they’re going abroad for their honeymoon, it’s fun to give the currency of where they’re going. It seems more like a gift, somehow. (Shoutout to whoever I learned that from on here!)
Anon
This is cute, but not super practical. Society is getting more cashless and card-friendly. On all three of our post-Covid trips to Europe we managed to avoid ever withdrawing Euros and just put everything on credit cards.
Anne-on
Counterpoint – I’ve been in taxis/restaurants where the wifi went down (so they can’t process a card) or my phone died and if I didn’t have local currency I wouldn’t have been able to pay the bill. Maybe I just have terrible luck but this has happened to me at least once on every longer work trip I’ve been on (this happened in both European countries and oddly in Singapore). The vendors were very obviously not trying to scam me (it happened in Singapore when I was with a local who called the cab/spoke the language and yet didn’t have cash either!). Sometimes technology just fails and I think it’s silly not to at least carry enough ready cash to buy a meal or cover a taxi fare.
Anon
I mean, I carry an ATM card and am not traveling in super remote areas without ATM machines so it’s not like I couldn’t get cash out immediately if necessary, but I haven’t had any need on recent trips. If someone gave me local currency, I’d probably just give it away as tips and it feels sort of weird to do that with a wedding gift which should ideally be used for a fun splurge for the couple.
LaurenB
I think it’s actually more super-practical to have foreign currency on hand. I would appreciate this so much if I were in this position.
Anonymous
$200 cash gift for weddings is standard where I live in MI
Anonymous
So it’s like an unspoken but well-known ticket price for a party for friends and family? Cool.
LaurenB
No, it’s a standard wedding gift. Not a ticket price for a party.
Liza
Money is fine. If they don’t have a registry, that’s what they want (which makes sense if they have all the household items they need).
Anon
I vote for a gift card as well. To a restaurant or Target, etc. I cringe when I had to write thank you cards for cash when I got married. And I equality hate receiving thank you cards that read “Thank you for the gift of money”.
Senior Attorney
Good Lord it’s not that hard: “Thank you so much for your generous gift! We splurged on X thing and thought of you/will think of you when we use/drink/look at it.”
startup lawyer
Cash is a perfectly normal and not cringe
Anon
I know there’s a comment like this every time the topic comes up, but I don’t understand why some posters don’t seem to get that the type of gift one gives at any occasion (including weddings) is very cultural and regional. In some areas, it is much less common to get cash gifts, and less common/never done to get cash gifts from peers. My own lived experience from a small community in the south is that I received cash only from some more well off and older relatives when I got married. I got zero cash gifts from anyone even close to my own age. The largest cash gift I got was $100, and I thought that was massive (2005).
Anon
+1 Midwest raised with East Coast family and college friends from all over, and no one in our generation gave us cash. The largest cash gift we got was $100 I’m pretty sure. 2012.
Alanna of Trebond
Note re Culinistas – I didn’t get a chance to respond on the earlier post. We don’t eat all three meals a day at home always, so probably it ends up being something like enough food for 1-2 meals a day for the week. I think you would need them to come 2X a week if you wanted more food.
Nyc
Thank you! I’ll give it a try
Anon
Elizabeth, thank you for featuring a fun pick that has plus and regular sizes! I wish more clothing brands did this! (Rather than trying to find a similar but usually worse plus size equivalent.)
Anonymous
+1 and this is the first outfit in a while that made me think DANG I’d look good in this!
Anonymous
+1, really cute pick.
Anon
+1. I like it!
Anon
Any suggestions for appropriate outfits for Aspen Jazz Festival? Haven’t been to Aspen (or a music festival in ages, and never one that doesn’t cater to the teen/20s crowd). Will mostly be there during the afternoon/early evening, and probably wrangling kids so nothing too fussy. Mid 30s, 5’4, somewhat busty size 8/10. Looks like weather will be mid-70s? TIA!
Mouse
Curious about others experiences with weddings and wedding traditions growing up. As a child/teen/in your 20s did you attend a lot of weddings? Were you familiar with wedding traditions? I’m getting married in a few months and its been pretty hilarious how much my fiancé does NOT know about weddings (we’re both white, non-Jewish backgrounds). Unsure if this is due to him being a dude, class differences growing up, or other reasons. Curious about y’alls experiences.
Anonymous
The first wedding I ever attended was my own at age 27. My parents never took me to family weddings as a child because they wanted to have fun, which I definitely support. I was the first in my social group and among my cousins to get married.
OP
For more context, we’re in our early 30s.
Anon
Being a dude. When my male cousins attended (often they did not), they squirmed through the service, then went outside to play during the reception.
Vicky Austin
Being a dude. When my male cousins attended (often they did not), they squirmed through the service, then went outside to play during the reception.
Anonymous
The reasons he’s clueless will have a lot to do with who he is: Does he pay attention to the social events he goes to, or does he just go and do the thing but not really pay any attention to it? If so, he’s not going to know about weddings even if he went to a bunch. Not sure it’s because he’s a dude. Some people go through life not really noticing what they’re doing, others pay a different kind of attention.
Personally, I was very conversant with the types of weddings I attended, and yes I went to them. When I was a girl, it was family weddings or people at my church. When I was in my 20s, it was friend’s weddings, and I heard EVERYTHING about them, for months. Still, I was clueless about how weddings were done in social circles that were different from mine.
OP
I think his cluelessness is a combo of not attending hardly any weddings growing up, and being a dude, who in my experience are not included on discussions of wedding planning and details, of which I heard a ton about, just like you described. Also, his family is fairly small, spread out, and not many of them have married.
Anon
I think there are cultural differences in whether kids are invited to weddings. I went to lots of weddings for family and family friends as a kid, but I hear about lots of people who think it’s really important to have a child free wedding. I eloped so this wasn’t an issue, but despite being child free myself and not even liking kids that much, I definitely would have welcomed them to my wedding, as celebrating families seems like the entire point of a wedding to me. I grew up in the Midwest, white upper middle class, but the kind of upper middle class that generally has more education than money (most people work in education or nonprofits).
Anon
Yeah we’re having a child-friendly wedding because one of us has a child from a prior marriage, all our friends have (non-baby) kids, and there’s a lot of (non-baby) kids in the family. A lot of people express shock that we are inviting children? It would be weirder to me to have it without the kids
anon
I grew up in a small Christian religious community that is both uncommon in the US and heavily made up of nonwhite immigrants (I am white and a nonimmigrant; we were about 35-40% of the congregation; the rest were Latino, Caribbean, or African immigrants or children of immigrants). I went to absolutely boatloads of weddings growing up, because in my church the custom was that you got married at the church in the early afternoon, had your reception in the parish hall, and invited absolutely everyone. So I went to lots of weddings but my experience of them was as community events – you helped fix up the hall for the reception, set up the chairs if the ceremony was on the lawn, made food for the reception, contributed ice or soda, drove the couple to a hotel after, helped pick up out of town company, etc. There was some variation in music, fashion, or food depending on the family’s background but the liturgy was the same and the general template was the same. Everyone wore Sunday clothes and gifts were housewares (no registries but you’d ask the parents of the bride or groom what they needed) or cash. My brother and I were both married there as well, and both followed the same pattern (although my brother had an evening wedding which was considered QUITE innovative).
When I first started going to weddings that weren’t at a church, weren’t basically a potluck, and weren’t sort of a “let’s put on a show!” vibe, it was definitely weird for me.
Anon
I’m white and my family is all from one small town and now I live in a city where weddings aren’t potluck community affairs. I miss them. I loved them as a kid and was so happy when my brother chose to get married in our town (SIL is from a military family with no real hometown so she was OK).
pugsnbourbon
This tracks with the family weddings I attended growing up (small town, Catholic but not super into it). Lots of helping with setup and running out to get a case of beer when it got low.
My SIL married a guy from southeast Asia and the reception was amazing. FOUR HUNDRED people (pre covid obvs) and mountains of food. Everyone brought Hennessy and was absolutely dressed to the nines. A complete stranger got up on stage and started singing and he was INCREDIBLE. I really can’t emphasize enough how much Hennessy there was.
Anonymous
…Is he Vietnamese? Because this sounds like all the weddings I went to on a monthly basis during my childhood
pugsnbourbon
No but not far off! It was a great night. I forgot to mention the fruit tower!
Seventh Sister
My mother was a mentor to a Vietnamese-American student and got invited to her student’s wedding. She and my dad *loved* it and had a ball with all the food and meeting all the relatives and friends. Mom said it was a “all-day party and I think I gained 10 pounds!” Big success.
Anon
I’m Indian, and this 100% applies, just replace “singing” with “dancing” and “Hennessy” with “Johnny Walker Black (or Blue)”. My wedding reception was “small” at ~250-300 people; I married a white guy so that simplified things a bit.
Also, I’m always so hungry after Non-BIPOC weddings. I have been to my fair share across regions, and when neither spouse is BIPOC, I’ve found that there’s just not an abundance of food. Why is this? I know Italian-American and Greek-American weddings are also an exception to my experience.
Marie
I went to a Cambodian wedding in law school. All the Hennessy in all the land was present. Every time someone toasted the bride and groom, the entire table was supposed to take a shot. I took half shots. My husband did not. Ahhh memories…
Anonymous
Before my own wedding, the only weddings I’d attended were the reception in the church basement kind for friends who had married right out of college. My husband had spent his 20s in NYC and attended many super fancy weddings. Our wedding was a normal middle-class wedding, not super fancy. I bought a copy of the Emily Post guide to weddings and tried to do everything precisely by the book except for the part about who pays for what since we were paying.
Seventh Sister
I didn’t go to that many weddings as a kid – small nuclear family and smallish extended family. But my next-door neighbors had 8 daughters and we attended most of their weddings. Homemade bridesmaid dresses, loooong Catholic Masses (we were Presbyterian so were used to a >1 hour church service), backyard receptions or a cake-and-punch party at the local Elks lodge.
Since a good half of my college friends were gay and it was pre-Obergefell, I attended only a half-dozen weddings in my 20s (prior to my own). I feel like I knew *some* of the traditions, but my parents were Midwesterners from a social class that did wedding showers, but dry receptions without a full meal. So stuff like who pays for a rehearsal dinner or who dances first was totally foreign to me.
While I feel like the “attack on traditional marriage” rhetoric from conservatives has died down a bit. I always thought that the pressure to have a big ring, a big ceremony, and a big reception seemed like a bigger threat to “traditional” marriage than gay marriage. How is someone supposed to pay for such a $$$ day if they are also supposed to get married early and wait until their wedding night?
Anon
+ 1M to your last paragraph
Seventh Sister
My college “little sister” was LDS, and I really liked that she had two (cake and punch) receptions for family and friends that were totally separate from the actual wedding (one in UT, one in her husband’s CA hometown). My mother and MIL would have loved to show us off to family and friends with that kind of thing.
Vicky Austin
My non-LDS parents did this too, since my mom had only recently moved to the area where she met my dad.
Anon
FWIW, a lot of people who wait for their wedding night have shorter engagements and cheaper weddings. A fair number of my friends and almost all of my in-laws fall into this category; most were married within a year and a half of their first date.
Fun fact: the real “tell” of waiting for the wedding night – or not – is the absence or presence of a morning-after brunch. The extra expense means more time to save up for the wedding and means a longer engagement. The absence often means that the newlyweds really don’t want people up in their faces mere hours after they are intimate for the first time.
My husband and MIL and FIL had never heard of this tradition until DH and I planned our wedding. My family pushed for this; I held the line; my in-laws quietly supported me.
LaurenB
If it’s a long / holiday weekend, a morning-after brunch just seemed like a gracious way of entertaining your guests and saying goodbye. I had one (I was married on the Sunday of Labor Day weekend) and it had nothing to do with waiting or not, which I never did, let’s get real :-)
Anon
You’re proving my point. You think it’s irrelevant but you didn’t wait. That’s because you aren’t thinking about your preferences if you did wait.
People who have sex for the first time on their wedding night feel really awkward about hosting again in the morning. DH and I spent the morning in a giant Jacuzzi. It was important for both of us to have quiet, pleasurable time together after a painful (for me) and awkward (for both) wedding night. Similar sentiments expressed from friends who did the same.
Seventh Sister
My evangelical cousins definitely had shorter engagements, and I’d guess that they spent less money, but not by much. But that’s probably a social class thing – all the parents involved were UMC professionals (and they paid for the weddings). Ditto on my very very Catholic law school friend (but big Italian-American family).
Anon
This “tell” seems like a made up rule. We didn’t have a morning after brunch and we’d lived together for two years prior to marriage and definitely didn’t “save ourselves” for marriage. I don’t think a post wedding brunch is standard for Jewish weddings (many of which are held on Sunday to avoid Shabbat). I can only think of one Jewish wedding I attended that had a morning after event, and Jews are not exactly known for purity culture. :) My BFF (Indian) also didn’t have a morning after brunch, and I know she didn’t wait to have sex either. Both BFF and I had pre-wedding events. Those are apparently common in Indian culture and since I had a Sunday wedding, pre-wedding events made more sense than post-wedding brunch.
Anon
How many people do you know who waited for marriage and how many of them had brunches the next morning? For me, those numbers are about ten couples, zero brunches amongst the ten.
Anon
I don’t know anyone who told me they waited until marriage to have sex, so it’s possible that waiting means you don’t have a morning after event, but you implied the reverse was also true (no morning after event means you waited) and that is not true at all. Morning after events are not standard in a lot of cultures, and most weddings I’ve attended (including some very lavish ones) did not include such an event. I also think it’s pretty gross to speculate about a couple’s sex life based on the presence or absence of a morning after brunch but you do you. I have also lost my virginity once upon a time, and while it was a bit painful in the moment it didn’t hurt once we were done and it certainly didn’t hurt enough that I couldn’t have gone to brunch the next morning. That’s kind of weird to me.
Anonymous
The only wedding I attended as a child was my mother’s courthouse second wedding, which was followed by a luncheon involving only immediate family and my mom’s best friend. The next wedding I attended was my college best friend’s wedding in which I was a bridesmaid and something like 25 y.o. I bought a book on weddings so I would have the first clue about what to expect and do. I have a small extended family and the only weddings that happened were small second weddings to which I was not invited (my own father and his sister). My parents did not have big friend groups and the friends they did have were all already married. We were not a part of say, a church or tiny community where the entire church or small town is invited to show up in jeans for punch and cupcakes. To this day, I think I have attended 6 weddings, in 2 of those, a plus one at one. I absolutely hated being a bridesmaid in my high school BFF’s wedding. It was a major financial burden and required inconvenient travel. I still wish I had declined to be in the party (never occurred to me at the time), though I am glad I attended. i was never able or willing to spend a bunch of money to travel to people’s weddings and certainly not able to go to any destination wedding. Those things mostly happened among college friends when I was trying to get through law school. After that I was working and not wealthy. I don’t foresee going to another wedding for at least 15-20 years, if my law partners’ kids start getting married and I can’t think of an excuse. Only one of my 5 siblings got married and I had school obligations. So yeah, not everyone goes to a bunch of weddings and knows about wedding traditions and such. But also, I think I have a pretty good perspective on how incredibly bizarre and stupid or tacky/tasteless a lot of those traditions are, given my outsider’s perspective, so maybe check in with him on some stuff.
OP
I definitely think his experiences are similar to yours, as far as why he didn’t attend many weddings of any kind, or have familiarity with wedding traditions. (For example, that Save-the-Dates and wedding invites are two different things, haha!) We’re happy/lucky that we’re able to do a wedding that is very “us” and not beholden to traditions we think are unnecessary or weird.
Anon
I was 20 before I went to a wedding (grew up in the 80s and early 90s). Anything I knew about them came from books, TV or the movies.
DallasAnon
I grew up in a small town in the south and went to a number of weddings and then went to a TON of weddings in my 20s. In my hometown, child-free weddings aren’t a thing. People get married in their church and have the reception the fellowship hall and kids are invited. It’s still that way today. It’s just a different culture.
Anon
I only went to one wedding before my college graduation (a sports coach of mine). I don’t have a large family, the two aunts I have were married before I was born and had kids who were not old enough to get married when I was a kid, and my parents didn’t have any friends who were single and getting married during my childhood. In my early 20s I attended a few friend and relative weddings but I was still pretty clueless about weddings when I got married at 27. We’re Jewish so we had a rabbi walk us through everything and we didn’t really have to make any decisions about the ceremony. I was grateful for that.
Anon1
As one of the youngest cousins on my dad’s side of the family I was a flower girl in one cousin’s wedding when I was 7 and then attended 4 cousin’s weddings (was a bridesmaid in 2 of them) between 11 and 16 (the other cousins are older but not by much and so I was in college and my 20s when I attended them). I’m late 20s now and friends weddings are just getting started.
In my circles (Northeast, Catholic and Episcopalian, middle and upper middle class), cousins/nieces/nephews usually attend weddings but other kids do not.
I’m pretty aware of tradition because my family is pretty traditional. I also answer a lot of my parents questions about modern weddings because they can’t comprehend the idea of a non-church wedding or why couples do first looks/pictures before or why RSVPs are online or why people don’t register for crystal, China, and silver.
LaurenB
Yes, exactly! This whole “childfree” thing is so weird to me – why would *everyone’s* children be invited? Just those who are close to the b/g (younger siblings, nieces / nephews).
And I think the first-look thing is just annoying. It’s just so fake – really, your groom is not going to fall drop-down-dead the moment he sees you in a wedding dress.
anon
When you think about it it’s pretty crazy for the couple, bridesmaids, and groomsmen to miss a significant chunk of a very expensive party just to take photos. Pre-ceremony pictures have become more common for good reason. If you already have a photographer there then why wouldn’t you take five minutes to get a first look photo? It’s often one of the most genuine, touching pictures of the day. Out of all the fussy and unnecessary wedding trends this seems like the least offensive one.
Anon
I went to SO MANY WEDDINGS from childhood through my 20s (my parents are both the oldest in big families) and then the cousins started and then my college and law school friends. Among my family school age children were generally invited and expected to attend but babies and toddlers were usually excluded. The wedding varied depending on which side of the family from pretty formal (long) church weddings with fancy receptions to backyard weddings with BBQ after. My childhood weddings left me with a pretty solid grasp on wedding traditions – although almost exclusively Christian and very WASP traditional (e.g. no black, no cash gifts).
Then I attended a large public university and law school and started attending weddings of non-Christians (both Jewish and Hindu) as well as weddings way more extravagant than my family weddings (although the fanciest wedding I ever attended remains one of my mother’s friends who invited me as a teenager). I think from ages 12 to 30, I attended at least one wedding a year and topped out at 4 (3 in one summer). I can’t wait for the next round (nieces and nephews; friends’ kids) because I actually really enjoy attending weddings!
Anon 2.0
I attended just a small handful of small town, church fellowship hall type weddings as a child. As an adult, I have been to just a few as well. While this may make me sound like The Grinch himself, I don’t really enjoy weddings and frankly, I try to avoid them. I promise I am not someone who hates all things that bring others joy, in fact, I am far from that. But for me, personally, I really dislike wedding “culture”. I will happily send you a nice card and a gift but I’d prefer to just, well, not go to your wedding. So many traditions rooted so deeply in sexism, the pressure to overspend, the brides (and grooms!) who are too demanding, deeply religious ceremonies with a literal sermon, the awkward gatherings of family who dislike one another, etc is just not my style.
Anonymous
I went to about a dozen or so weddings growing up. Half were huge Asian weddings (extended family), other half were more East Coast American fancy affair weddings? Almost no churches but then again, my social circles are very secular. Anyway, the cultural differences are vast. Asian weddings have lots of people (aka invite everyone they know to show off social status), lots of courses for food to show off how rich the parents are, riots of color and children everywhere. And of course people give money in red envelopes to the bride and groom, this is the standard gift. Giving anything else is considered tacky AF, which is hilarious compared to how cash gifts in the US are still considered tacky in some older circles.
LaurenB
I maybe attended 2 or 3 before I had my own wedding. Attend one maybe every couple of years; am going to an Indian wedding in a week which I am looking forward to, as I’ve never been. Some of the “rules” for weddings these days are beyond bizarre — asking your guests (not wedding party but guests) to dress in certain colors, having your bridesmaids do actual work as opposed to just smile and look pretty for the pictures. I’m old school Miss Manners on this one – you don’t give your guests dress codes.
And the crises about guests wearing white! In ye olden days, it was actually just fine for a MOB/MOG to wear a lovely cream or champagne color, and it was really fine if guests wore those colors too, as nobody was dumb enough to mistake a woman in a cream-colored silk dress for the bride wearing a lacy dress with a train and veil …
anon
I go to tons of weddings still, and FWIW, I’ve never been to one that had a dress code for guests. I feel like those turn up more as a thing that gets talked about online than a thing that happens in reality. I totally grew up with bridesmaids doing actual work but I’m the poster above who grew up in a community where basically the whole church did work at your wedding, so it’s just a different vibe. My community growing up was also super low-income, though…I will admit that when I was in a very rich person’s wedding and they were expecting the wedding party to help put up the portable dance floor in 90 degree heat, I was miffed.
Seventh Sister
In a move that tells you (almost) everything you need to know about my MIL, she wore an off-white, strapless, full-length, polyester ball gown to my BIL’s gay wedding. Two grooms, one 70ish “bride”! It was pretty amazing, but she had a good time and the grooms were gracious about the whole thing. I was appalled, and my spouse did not help when he turned to me and whispered, “paging Dr. Freud!”
The dress wasn’t something that was cream or champagne, and it wasn’t the kind of “ladies who lunch” dress that looks nothing like a bridal gown. It was basically this dress:
https://beta.davidsbridal.com/product/mikado-high-low-wedding-dress-sdwg0576?mr:trackingCode=95604491-1851-E711-8102-0050569419E4&mr:referralID=NA&mr:device=c&mr:adType=online&gclid=Cj0KCQjwrs2XBhDjARIsAHVymmThVlMR4t4gJCCAGxhXQBKqUEtykMR1I4dmEeUFg4OlWxA4P1VeiQ0aAvLKEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
Former Southener
Having bridesmaid do “actual work” is not a modern thing. In fact based on what I hear from my small-town Southern family, modern bridesmaids have it easy. But then this is a community where anything other than “wedding in the church, cake and punch in the fellowship hall” is fancy (although more common now than it used to be) and decorating/cleaning up the reception venue has always been the bridesmaids’ responsibilities.
Formerly Lilly
Rural, small town South, circa 1960’s and 70’s. I was a flower flower girl in several weddings. In our small town my mother was a sort of volunteer wedding director, with no duties before the event but “directed” the rehearsal and the wedding itself. Occasionally as a kid I was the voluntold assistant to the volunteer director. I also went to about a dozen of mother’s cousins’ weddings in the city. Osmosis and my mother’s copy of Emily Post are where any wedding knowledge came from. Rightly or wrongly, wedding preparation, discussion, and execution tends to fall in the category of “womens things” and I wouldn’t expect any but the most perspicacious of dudes to be much better than clueless.
Pep
I attended my first wedding at about age 13. The reception was not a fancy affair, the venue was a VFW hall or similar. The primary memory I have of that event is of an older male relative who was drunk and obnoxious and how frightened I was of him. (Even though we didn’t interact)
I didn’t attend any other weddings until I was well out of college and my friends started getting married.
Not Emily Post
I’ve been invited to a baby naming ceremony for a friend’s baby at a synagogue. My understanding is that it’s sort of the equivalent to a bris for girls, in that you gather friends and family to meet your newborn. I have never been to an event like this before. What kind of gift is appropriate? I don’t think there is a registry. Cash? Multiple of 18? Regular baby gift? Thanks!
Anon
A gift isn’t mandatory (not that a gift is ever really “mandatory” but I think gifts are much less expected at a bris than at, say, a wedding or baby shower), but it’s nice if you want to bring one. Either a regular baby gift or cash is fine! And yes multiples of 18 is traditional for cash.
Anonymous
In my circle definitely no gift needed but if you would otherwise want to give the family a regular baby gift, this is an opportunity especially since many Jewish people don’t do showers before the birth. Books, clothes, cute bibs etc. cash isn’t a thing in my circle but if you were going to do that or a gift card, multiples of 18.
LaurenB
No registry, regular baby gift or small check for multiple of 18 would be just fine, but isn’t strictly necessary.
Want to play House Hunters for me?
Trying to decide between 3 apartments and how to rank them so I have thoughts when I go see them tomorrow. (All 1 bdrm, the least expensive of each when there are many layouts or pricing at the same property). All are within 10 mins of each other and $50 of each other in rent. Schools do not matter, only have 1 car but may have a guest sometimes. I work from home.
Which would you pick and why?
1. https://www.apartments.com/the-barrington-club-coral-springs-fl/tde6jx8/
2. https://www.apartments.com/coral-falls-coral-springs-fl/lcd7whf/
3. https://www.apartments.com/maa-coral-springs-coral-springs-fl/1qt60m7/?&frontdoor=google&gclid=Cj0KCQjwrs2XBhDjARIsAHVymmSJoQjjGcwFAlcQ1UpzPlw6aD82xVwz5aRcPXKaQj_QMKVgqDaWA-8aAnGcEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
All thoughts are more than welcome here, thank you!!
Anon
I think the pool and grounds at MAA Coral Springs are the nicest!
Anonymous
Honestly none, the carpet especially in Florida really squicks me out.
anon
most apartments not on 1st floors require carpet due to noise when it comes to having people below.
Anon
They’re all the same. Ask around to see how management is at each and maybe one comes out a bit ahead there.
Formerly Lilly
The first or the third. As someone already pointed out, inquiries into the quality of the management would be good. Also I would avoid any particular unit that faces west as afternoon sun in a warm climate is likely to make it get warm in the afternoon, unless you have fantastic ac in which case it’s going to run constantly and increase your bill.
Anonymous
Omg I used to live in Barrington Club!!!! No advice, just that that is a crazy blast from the past!
Anonymous
1 and 3 have the best layouts for working from home. I’m not sure where you would set up a little office space in 2. Its much nicer to be able to have a dedicated space.
Nina
What do you do when you don’t quite have enough work at work? I’ve been here for almost a year. There’s been some management turnover etc, and my boss was on maternity leave but is back now. I’m like 60% busy but definitely should be more so. No one has said anything negative about it to me, but this is a company where people are reticent to share anything “bad news”. I’ve of course asked for more work but there isn’t much right now – I’m working with my boss to figure out how to get more. This is largely because of senior leadership either stalling things and/or certain hires falling through, and my boss told me that, but how worried should I be?
Anon
Really depends on industry and company. Are you a lawyer tracking billables or otherwise using metrics to show your productivity? Do you have peers who seem to be doing more or less – or the same – amount of work as you? If your boss is working with you but doesn’t seem concerned, I think it’s more of an issue for you (and you may find this job is too slow for you to enjoy it) than for the company.
Nina
We have started tracking billable (not lawyer) but not consistently. Some colleagues have the same amount, some have more. I don’t mind the amount of work tbh, I just want to make sure my job is safe!
Anon
Maybe I’m just lazy but there’s nothing wrong with being 60% busy. That actually seems pretty normal for an office job depending on your field.
anon
Is there an adjacent department that you can volunteer to help? If you know your department is vital to the company’s growth plans and will be ramping up then it’s probably not an issue. But I have a friend whose department slowly went out of work and she saved her job by volunteering for another busier department. The rest of her team was eventually laid off.