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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 145 Comments · by

Coffee Break – Stretch Leather Tab Belt

Coffee Break

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Stretch leather tab beltBanana Republic is offering an extra 40% off already reduced items with code BRSTARS — and I'm liking this stretch leather tab belt. I remember seeing these a few years ago and thinking they were a trendy style that would be around for a season — but season after season these belts keep coming back. I like that this one is 2.5″ wide, and I like the decorative cutouts on the leather. It was $55, is now marked to $45, and with the discount, it comes to $27. Banana Republic Stretch Leather Tab Belt (L-2)

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Comments

  1. ELLENWatch

    Do NOT think I have missed any of today’s action. I am unabel to AXCESS my own sight for the moment, but I will be back asap! Thank’s to the hive! I’m itcheing to way in!

        • TCFKAG

          I thought KLG meant Ellen’s spelling and not EllenWatch’s spelling…but I could be wrong. My reading comprehension skills have been at an all time low this week. Good think that isn’t the primary purpose of my job….oh wait………..

  2. MoMa

    Organization I interviewed with on Tuesday said I would hear back re: final decision by end of last week. I know they were closed on Friday, but I still haven’t heard anything yet. Too early to email regarding an update? I’m going stir-crazy!

    • TCFKAG

      Honestly, probably yes. Especially since its sort of a weird week with the holiday.

    • also waiting to hear

      If it’s any consolation, I’m also waiting to hear back about a dream job, and it will supposedly be this week…. of all the weeks to have a holiday! Don’t they know I’m antsy here!?! I wouldn’t email just yet, but I feel your pain.

  3. California wedding

    I could use some advice on wedding attire. I am attending a wedding in Pasadena, CA in late July and am struggling to find an appropriate dress. Wedding is at 3:00, reception at 5:30 in a fancy mansion-y golf club type place. I am trying to bridge the gap between sundress and cocktail attire. I am petite and curvy, a little pear shaped, and strapless/spaghetti strap/halter dresses make me look like a linebacker. This dress from Nordstrom is an ideal neckline and silhouette for me, but it reads a little too bridesmaid-y for me (and I think it is a little too heavy/dark for California in July). Suggestions are much appreciated!

    http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-woven-fit-flare-dress/3278061?origin=keywordsearch&fashionColor=&resultback=0

    • Lee B

      This is a very late reply, but I think this dress is perfect for what you need. Go for it!

    • M-C

      The dark part seems to me to balance out the bridesmaid :-). Just be sure to complement with a nice cardigan/light jacket, as indoor Pasadena is sure to be grossly refrigerated!

    • Senior Attorney

      Pasadena native here. I think that dress is perfect. It generally doesn’t get grossly, grossly hot until August/September.

    • LA Associate

      Bring a cardigan/wrap/bolero even if the party is outdoors. The temperature in Pasadena can get a little chilly at night, even in the summer.

  4. anon for this

    Does anyone else get irrationally stressed out about birthdays? Every year, I get anxious about mine, no matter what I do. I worry about getting older (cue existential crisis)… I feel like I haven’t accomplished enough in life to be this age (whatever the age is), and I also get anxious about the celebration itself. My group of friends all tends to do a bar or restaurant outing for birthdays, and I love going out for other people’s, but when it’s my turn all I do is worry about whether or not everyone will have fun, if they’re going to like the place, if I should have even done anything at all (but it seems sillier not to). Ugh, I feel like an idiot even writing this out…

    • anon

      I feel the same way too. I turned 30 this year, and got stressed about how much I haven’t done in my life yet. I also stopped inviting people out for celebrations – largely because I’ve moved around quite a bit the last couple of years and don’t really think I have very close friends where I am.

    • Also Anon

      I also feel stressed about planning my own birthday celebration too. I don’t have a SO or a BFF or a family close by to celebrate with, so it’s often a group of random people that I invite and I hope that someone will come out on a worknight with me, like where we go, get along with the other people, etc. A few years ago I actually did nothing on my birthday, which was my own fault for not planning anything, but was definitely depressing, especially when people at work found out it was my birthday and then would ask what I did to celebrate. So at least you’re not alone about that.

    • Secretly pathetic anony

      Most years I pretend I don’t want a birthday party. But really, I don’t plan one because I worry people wouldn’t show up. Which is even worse.

      Writing that out is especially sad.

      • anon

        This. I tried having a house warming party and no one came to that. So I would feel way worse if they didn’t come to my birthday party. It sucks because I always go to others but having a birthday this time of year is especially difficult because it seems like everyone else has so many other plans.

      • might as well be anon too

        I do the same thing. I even bowed out of having a bridal or baby shower because I worried no one would come or that they wouldn’t have fun. Still makes me sad. I never could confess to the would-be-hostesses why I didn’t want one.

        I like to spend my birthdays with my husband and kids. When I was single, I also went out of town – usually to spend it with my parents, who were always excited to celebrate my birthday since it was kind of a big deal for them, too. ;)

    • AIMS

      My solution is to take a vacation for my bday every year. Even a few days away makes for a good time, and then no one can bother me with, “what are you doing?” because the answer is, “I’m going to Nantucket for the weekend!” A dinner with friends sometime that month then becomes much more low key and actually enjoyable. Not to mention that because I am away for the actual bday, there are usually a couple of friend events I get to do because no one feels the pressure to all be available on one day as a group. Plus, I always feel like I “did something” for the actual big day.

      • ahm

        This! I always get stressed out if I worry about planning a big party with friends and worrying that people won’t come or that I am burdening people by forcing them to celebrate. The person I really want to be with is my fiance, so I love going away with him, even if just for a day trip or a two-day weekend to someplace close by and just celebrating in a low key way (and avoiding all those Facebook notifications reminding you who is wishing you happy birthday…and who isn’t…maybe I’m the only person that finds that somewhat stressful, but I do). I usually a few dinners or brunches with close friends (they take me out on my birthday and vice versa) around the time of my bday but not on the actual day.

      • AinRVA

        Same. I haven’t been in town for my birthday in years. One year, I pretended to be out of town when I wasn’t, and my husband cooked me dinner. I’m anti-birthday-social.

    • sor

      I haven’t celebrated my birthday since I was 12 (roller rink party!), for many of the reasons you describe. If a celebration isn’t your thing, I wouldn’t force it.

    • NOLA

      Mine is pretty easy because there is an art festival that always falls on the Saturday closest to my birthday. I invite my girlfriends to the same restaurant every year because it’s at the beginning of the festivities and they make fabulous pomegranate martinis. I leave my credit card at home and only pick up cards from artists I like in order to avoid drunken shopping. I usually take my actual birthday off and try to spend at least part of it with my SO. That way, if people leave me cards or whatever at work, I get it the next day and I get to celebrate even longer! I never cared one way or another about my birthday but I have to say, it’s getting harder since this year I will no longer be in my mid-40’s officially.

    • eastbaybanker

      I do the same thing! But in addition to stressing about underachievement and aging in general, I add to the mix worrying that I have nothing in common with my friends anymore and that my ambition and career choice have smothered my true creative self. Why are birthdays so hard?!?

      This is a timely post because I am celebrating my birthday this month. While I sent a save the date to close friends a few weeks ago, I haven’t been able to pull the trigger on the official invite.

    • anon

      My birthday is in the beginning of September and I haven’t really had a birthday party after age 10, minus my Bat Mitzvah and surprise Sweet 16. When I was a kid I didn’t know who I was going to be friends with from the next year of school and was uncomfortable sending out invitations in August to people I hadn’t seen in 2 months. Middle school was my Bat Mitzvah (which was in November, so fewer invitation issues) and then in 8th grade, my birthday party was supposed to be the weekend after 9/11 in NYC. So that didn’t happen. After that, I sort of dropped the pretense and would go out to dinner that night with my family and then do something small with one or two friends on the weekend, like go to a concert or something. That pattern has pretty much continued to this day, replacing family with SO (if I have one at the time). It works for me and I don’t feel bad about it, like I would if I had to plan this elaborate party for people that I’m not always sure would come/have fun. It is just easier to do my own thing, and then I don’t have to worry about others’ expectations or anything like that.

      • Quiche

        My birthday is at the end of September, and I always had the same awkward situation re invite friends I haven’t seen since last school year or make a lot of friends really quickly so I have someone to invite! I gave up really quickly on that make friends quickly plan and would spend the following Saturday watching college football with my family instead :)

        • Anonymous

          Hate birthdays. Hate that people think they are a big ta-doo. Hate when people want to know what I am doing.

          • Gentle correction

            I would want to know if I made this type of error… it’s a big to do, not ta-doo.

        • AN

          This is exactly what I wondered too. You must be the youngest person on this site.

          • Herbie

            Really? If she turned 14 in 2001, she’d be 25 now. I doubt that makes her the youngest person on the site.

    • anon too

      I used to like my birthdays, and feel very pleased and accomplished at having managed to survive another year :-). Alas, I need to talk to some friends in the next couple days and make sure they don’t make too much of a big public deal. Since my mother’s died it hasn’t been the same, I mostly want to sob now. Very hard to separate “birth” from “orphan”, I don’t know whether I’ll ever manage..

  5. Nutella

    I started Weight Watchers this weekend to try to focus on losing a few or ten or fifteen pesky pounds. I tried it before, it wasn’t horrible but I just stopped after a few weeks.

    All I want right now is a jar of Nutella and a spoon. It doesn’t have to be a large spoon. A small spoon would be better, in fact.

    Grrr.

    • LilyB

      I just started ww a week and a half ago…. I have about 12 lbs to lose. I lost 1.8 lbs the first week, but I’m afraid to weigh in this week because I haven’t been very good about staying within my points… and the fourth is really going to screw it up even more!

    • Margaret

      Ha, I ate Nutella regularly when I was on WW. It sure is points heavy, but I decided it was worth it because I found slowly eating one tablespoon on evenings where I had points left over to be very satisfying. Much more satisfying than 1/2 piece of cake or whatever my other options were when I was craving some “junk” food.

    • Ashley

      I’ll take one for the team and eat the Nutella for you :) My husband and I usually have the will power to skip the Nutella purchase if we’re grocery shopping. But, once the Nutella goes in the cart and onto the pantry shelf? ALL BETS ARE OFF! Oh man, now I really want some Nutella, strawberries and champagne for dinner.

    • anon

      I eat Nutella on WW. The great thing about Nutella is that a little goes a long way. I find Nutella spread very thin on a hot piece of toast to be very satisfying, and it’s not that bad for you.

      I started back on WW too. My first weigh in was Saturday and I lost four full pounds. I know it’s just water weight at first, but I’ll take it!

      • M-C

        Oh my! Do Americans really believe that picture on the label? That’s not how you eat it. You stick your finger in it and lick it. I’ve never met a European who’s even tried it on bread.

        • Godzilla

          Babe, most Americans chow down on Nutella by the tablespoon. We’re not total heathens ;).

    • M-C

      Oh, yeah, Nutella! The only way I’ve managed to resist was to read the label. Truly frightening. But thanks for reminding me I have some nice praline Cote d’Or leftover in my bag, I’ll go take care of that now :-).

  6. ahm

    Wedding-related TJ: I’m wondering if anyone can share things they’ve seen at weddings that are free or very cheap that have made the wedding really nice and/or memorable. I’m getting married in a month and after initally being stressed out had really reached a zen-like state when it came to wedding planning that no matter what else went wrong I get to wear a beautiful dress, be married in a gorgeous location (coastal New England, right on the water, weather permitting), eat really good food and dark chocolate wedding cake, and of course most importantly, marry the man of my dreams. However, this past weekend my fiance & I attended a wedding that probably cost a quarter of a million dollars. In addition to being obviously expensive, it was so clearly organized and beautifully run by the wedding planners so that everything moved smoothly from one step to the next. This wedding apprently included 7,000 roses (so basically, the amount of money spent on flowers or this wedding was definitely higher than my total wedding budget). I’m now freaking out that my wedding will be a disorganized, cheap-seeming mess since our budget is low by East Coast/West Coast standards (probably average by Midwest standards, where my parents are from) and I haven’t had much time to plan things. I know this is ridiculous, but I guess I’d just appreciate some reassurances that lower budget weddings can be lovely and memorable without everyone thinking that it is cheap. Suggestions for cheap or free things to do to make it special and unique (that don’t require much time or can be done by my mom – I work crazy hours) are also much appreciated!

    Also the moral of this story is you probably shouldn’t go to weddings, especially weddings of really rich people, less than a month before your own.

    • Jacqueline

      Low-budget weddings absolutely can be memorable and wonderful! Don’t let this expensive wedding get you down. Yours will be wonderful because, as you said, you’re marrying the man of your dreams in a gorgeous setting (and with delicious cake!). Really, that’s all you need — 7,000 roses are nice to have, I’m sure, but they’ll be wilted and gone in a day.

      Focus on what you’re most concerned about and try to come up with a low-budget/free way to tackle the issue. Are you worried the day won’t progress smoothly without a wedding planner? Enlist a friend or member of the wedding party to be a contact for the cake delivery (or flower delivery, or whatever it is you’re worried about).

      Just try to remember that people are there to celebrate YOU, not the expensive flowers or favors you did or didn’t buy. I’ve been to obscenely expensive weddings and very low-budget ones, but I don’t remember which flowers a bride had — what I do remember is having fun with a great (low-budget!) iPod-curated playlist at the low-budget one. Or the fact that the bride and groom had a display of pictures of their parents and grandparents at their weddings when we walked into the cocktail reception (very personal, didn’t cost much at all). That’s what people will remember.

      • KK

        I second enlisting a trusted friend or family member to be the contact person for all deliveries. Make sure it’s someone that everyone will generally listen to (maybe an Aunt or Uncle) and call all your vendors a week or two before with the name/number of the day-of contact person. Then talk to that person about what should be arriving when and any special concerns (make sure cake person remembers to X). Tell them if you want them to start funneling people into the church/cocktail location/reception hall at the correct time. Then relax! Oh, and this person should not be your mom. She deserves to relax and enjoy the day too.

        Otherwise, I agree with what everyone else already said- its you and your excitement/happiness/love that will make the day fun and special. The money is irrelevant. I’ve had a great time at expensive weddings and at cheap ones. Also, remember that the day is about you getting married, it’s not really about the party.

      • KK

        re-posted to avoid moderation (dreaded c***tail hour)

        I second enlisting a trusted friend or family member to be the contact person for all deliveries. Make sure it’s someone that everyone will generally listen to (maybe an Aunt or Uncle) and call all your vendors a week or two before with the name/number of the day-of contact person. Then talk to that person about what should be arriving when and any special concerns (make sure cake person remembers to X). Tell them if you want them to start funneling people into the church/c-tail location/reception hall at the correct time. Then relax! Oh, and this person should not be your mom. She deserves to relax and enjoy the day too.

        Otherwise, I agree with what everyone else already said- its you and your excitement/happiness/love that will make the day fun and special. The money is irrelevant. I’ve had a great time at expensive weddings and at cheap ones. Also, remember that the day is about you getting married, it’s not really about the party.

    • Bette

      Don’t let this wedding throw you! It seems like you had done a really good job of keeping a level head about this whole thing. The wedding isn’t whats important, the marriage that results is what really matters.

      My SO and I went to a wedding like that this past summer and the couple are already divorced. Fairy tale wedding it was clearly not in retrospect.

    • anon

      I really like touches that are special for the bride and groom. At one wedding I went to, the bride and groom had crossword puzzles that were blank and the guests could fill out. All of the across answers were groom-related and all the down answers were bride-related. A lot of people would think that’s cheap or silly, but it fit them perfectly. Also, I’ve been to a lot of weddings where the tables are named for particular places that are important to the bride & groom. One wedding I went to, they named each table after a place the couple had been together and they incorporated a photo of the couple at that destination into their centerpieces. Again, it’s a small thing, but I thought it was cute given that the couple loved traveling places together.

      Honestly, try not to worry. In my experience, the guests aren’t worried about all of the trappings. They’re interested in seeing the bride/groom (who they presumably care a lot about) and having fun on the dance floor.

    • cfm

      So really, really expensive weddings are obviously going to stand out. I went to one that I think cost 100k and obviously, you remember that. It was like a beautiful spectacle you know? Don’t compare yourself to that! it was great because some things were cool to see, but it was not any greater than my friends low key weddings. wedding are fun because of the people! your wedding is unique because its you and your fiance, and thats all you need.

    • TCFKAG

      Okay…well this was at my wedding, but my favorite budget item that we thought of at the last minute (or close to the last minute) that really helped make our wedding a blast was that we went to Target and bough a TON of kids crafts stuff from the dollar bin (probably $20-$30 worth) and we had a little separate arts and crafts table for the kids to go to during cocktail hour or if they got bored during dinner. Then during dancing they mostly danced.

      We also got them fun chocolate lollipops that were “their” special wedding favor, which they were all really excited about and put it in a little decorative cup in the middle of that table, so that they could get it while drawing. If you have kids coming to the wedding (more than one or two that is), I think its the best $50 you can spend.

    • Godzilla

      Not that my opinion matters AT ALL but I really hate weddings where the guests are just sitting around….waiting. For what, I don’t know. Granted, the point of a wedding isn’t to entertain the guests (I know, right?) but good music or a slideshow or little kid dance routines or SUMTHING. I love the cutesy stories and speeches. Keep ’em rolling, kwim? It doesn’t matter how gorgeously decorated or lavish the wedding is, bored = BORED.

      • TCFKAG

        This this. If I’m not eating, I want there to be dancing or talking or something.

      • ahm

        Any suggestions for what to do during the cocktail hour while the wedding party is taking photos other than drinks and passed appetizers and DJ playing music? This seems like the most “waiting”-y part of the wedding.

        • ahm

          Any suggestions for what to do during the c-tail hour while the wedding party is taking photos other than drinks and passed appetizers and DJ playing music? This seems like the most “waiting”-y part of the wedding.

          (reposted to avoid moderation)

          • Ellie

            Is it indoors or outdoors? An outdoors wedding I went to had lawn games set up– corn hole, ladder golf, etc. It was fun!

          • FormerPhotog

            We got all that nonsense done before the ceremony, and got straight on to partying. Our pics were better, there was no stress, and we didn’t lose what little light we had. Plus, the wedding party got to eat and drink, too.

          • karenpadi

            This. I really don’t like going to weddings where there’s a c-tail “hour” (or 3) between the ceremony and the reception. Plus it avoids the awkwardness of having a separate “private” party for the wedding party while they do a tour of town to take pictures/get a little drunk.

      • Lucy

        Yep. I went to a wedding this spring where the guests were invited to eat while the bridal party was taking pictures, so while the bride’s/grooms meal was probably a little rushed, no one had to wait hungrily for an hour while pictures or whatever happened. They also cut the cake fairly early so people could get cake after their meals. It was just really, really nice that they thought of their guests instead of fitting in guest-specific aspects around their photos.

        My spouse was an usher in a wedding where the guests had a “punch” reception (cookies and punch) before the actual reception so that the wedding party could go get drunk on a party bus. Totally, totally sucked, IMO.

    • rosie

      Don’t compare your wedding to some other wedding, unless there were specific touches you want to incorporate. Go with your own style. Good food, a nice setting, and dark chocolate wedding cake sound like a good time to me. I got some little wedding touches from Etsy, can you look at little things there (cake topper, guest book, etc.) and if anything appeals to you, buy it or make it?

      Is there a reason you think your wedding will be disorganized? Are you having a day-of-coordinator, or does your venue have a coordinator? Are you having a DJ? Have you gone over with her/him how all of the events of the wedding will flow?

    • D Train South

      I’ve always preferred attending weddings where the guests are focused on the occasion, as opposed to constantly gawking at how big the event budget must have been. I can’t think of anything specific, and haven’t had a wedding myself, but I want to assure you that my two favorite weddings were certainly the least expensive. Both used only one location for ceremony and reception, and one was even decorated a la Costco by a bridesmaid with good style and taste. Focus on the occasion and your personal joy, and the opportunity to share them with your guests, and you will create a beautiful event. Your guests will leave with real memories, rather than a running tab in their minds.

    • cbackson

      One of the worst weddings I’ve ever been to was a pricey, Napa Valley extravaganza for a Silicon Valley software millionaire. And the best was my brother’s – th reception was in a church basement and they served only dessert, to save money. I think that the biggest thing to remember, honestly, is that people are there because they care about you. From a planning perspective, just think about what you’d want if you were a guest, and go with that. You wouldn’t care about 7,000 roses; you would care about having an opportunity to give the bride a hug and wish her well, or about there being some place to park at the reception, or having bathrooms with baby-changing facilities.

    • TCFKAG

      Reposting due to the hated c* word.

      Okay…well this was at my wedding, but my favorite budget item that we thought of at the last minute (or close to the last minute) that really helped make our wedding a blast was that we went to Target and bough a TON of kids crafts stuff from the dollar bin (probably $20-$30 worth) and we had a little separate arts and crafts table for the kids to go to during c*cktail hour or if they got bored during dinner. Then during dancing they mostly danced.
      We also got them fun chocolate lollipops that were “their” special wedding favor, which they were all really excited about and put it in a little decorative cup in the middle of that table, so that they could get it while drawing. If you have kids coming to the wedding (more than one or two that is), I think its the best $50 you can spend.

    • Cb

      I went to the most amazing wedding last weekend. It was in a house in the woods which was still under construction, we bunked up in the attic and everyone helped prepare the food and set the table and do the flowers. Ask people to pitch in, it makes it feel so much more special.

    • Kontraktor

      I had a very small, inexpensive wedding. In fact I think we spent more on the choir musicians/organist for our Mass than we did on… anything else. I would say that my best tip is to not make things seem like what they are not. So, don’t try to make your budget wedding seem like the 10,000 rose wedding. I feel the result of all the details is far better when the couple simply presents the day as it is and doesn’t have it try to be something else. So, honestly I don’t think you need extra free stuff if you don’t want it. Don’t try to do expensive on the cheap just because you think it is the ‘standard’ or what is ‘expected’ because more often than not, I think those types of things will end up looking cheap.

      If you have prioritized your day the way you want, just keep it that way. It will seem more streamlined and coordinated without the trying-too-hard-to-look-expensive-for-free details that you don’t even like all that much. Granted, I’m biassed, but I feel our wedding was one of the best I have ever been to, its lack of budget and all, mostly because it was completely non-pretentious in the sense that we organized/prioritized it exactly how we wanted, without expectations of what we ‘should’ have done (we didn’t even have dancing or music at our wedding).

      Just stay true to yourselves. Your guests/family will see that. You don’t need extras if you don’t want!

      • M-C

        Totally second Kontractor’s good advice. Hang in there OP, it sounds like you have some really good things going, so just try hard to get back to your previous zen.

    • SF Bay Associate

      Girl, go read A Practical Wedding. Your wedding will be lovely and memorable and incredibly special because *you are getting married.* Don’t let this fancy wedding put you off from what actually matters to you. You have a beautiful dress, you have a gorgeous location, you have really good food, and a dark chocolate wedding cake (yum!), and a man you love who loves you back, and family that want to support you and celebrate your wedding. Your wedding is great just the way it is. More money does not equal a better wedding, particularly if the scale of “better” is meaningfulness, not flash and glitz. If you want to personalize it, you could name the tables based on something that’s about the two of you (places you’ve lived? former pets? former jobs? something) or use childhood pictures of each of you that your parents can find, and if you want to do favors, you could do that – maybe give away your favorite fun size drugstore candy bars. Or do neither, because your wedding already sounds wonderful.

      I went to a wedding years ago where the bride’s father held a patent on a blockbuster drug. It was very beautiful, fun, and *extremely* expensive. Even if I had all that money, I still wouldn’t want the wedding that she got – not my style. Don’t let this other wedding affect (infect) your previous confidence in your own choices.

    • Momof2

      We made our own wedding topper (dinosaurs, from a kids set from ToysRUs) and my husband (who, granted, is an illustrator) drew on little cards as favors. We had a lot of friends from karate in attendance (where my husband and I met), so for them, he drew pictures of people in gis doing techniques. For the other guests, he drew colored fish. The guests had fun trading them and we saved $$ on expensive (and, in my opinion, useless) favors. The pictures of the wedding topper still make me smile and some of our friends have their cards framed, 8 years later. Cut corners where it matters less to you–and it sounds like you have it covered: location, food, guests and (of course) dress. Best of luck!

    • AnonAz

      One of the best weddings I have been to was an inexpensive (seemingly, I have no idea of the actual budget) one out in Tennessee (few were from TN, it was mostly a destination wedding), where everyone stayed in these huge (8 bedroom) log cabins for the weekend. The main cabin was a hangout space, which the bride/groom stocked with food (think sandwich stuff and chips) and beer. The wedding was very lowkey in a beautiful flower flower field, and then the reception was in an old barn of sorts, simple bbq southern food. There was music and dancing, and the whole weekend was about the people there, not all the trappings.

      It sounds like your wedding is going to be great; don’t think you have to keep up with the Jones’. Just have fun sharing your day with your family and friends.

    • Ashley

      I really enjoy slideshows or scrapbooks from the couple’s history together, or family photos from when they were young.

      At my brother’s wedding, they did a “wish” tree, where every guest wrote some advice on a little tag and hung it on the tree for them. They pulled them out and read all of them on their one-year anniversary.

      I’ve also enjoyed when the tables are named with a theme, like one friend did the word “love” in a different language, so it was fun to go around and see what other tables were named.

      At my wedding, I did “music through the ages”, since I love to dance to a bunch of different types of music. My husband picked out a playlist for the dinner portion, and my brother DJ’d for us. It was so fun because my high school show choir attendees knew how to swing, and my parents/in-laws took some swing dancing lessons, the non-dancers enjoyed the cheesy YMCA/shuffle/line dancing, and we got an impromptu rendition of N*Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye” from my cousins. Basically, everyone just let loose and looked silly dancing to all this old-school music.

    • js

      The most fun weddings I’ve been too have fun music and lots of people dancing. But one of the most memorable and fun weddings I went to was at the groom’s home “in the country” in NH and there was no dancing, it just felt like a lovely afternoon/evening party (although food was formally served inside tents).

    • ML

      One of the most fun weddings i went to was in the groom’s parents backyard. And his parents did not live on a plantation. It was just a regular backyard in a regular subdivision. But the wedding was so much fun! they had great food, plenty of beer, and live music. It was like a summer bbq with cute clothes!

    • SC

      I really enjoy weddings with personal touches where I feel like I’ve gotten to know the couple better. I’ve seen this with cultural or religious touches in the ceremony, personalized table names and explanations, slide shows, thoughtful toasts, choreographed first dances (both silly and ballroom) – really, anything that shows your personality and teaches your guests something about you as a couple. Other than that, being happy instead of stressed and enjoying yourselves and the party you’re throwing go a long way to making your guests feel like they’re having a good time.

      Since you expressed some concerns about organization — if you have friends or family helping out or have wedding party members, try to take some time in the week or two before the wedding and (a) say how much you appreciate their help/ participation, and (b) communicate clearly (but nicely) what you need from them. I think some brides get so worried about being “bridezilla,” they don’t communicate basic information, which creates a different kind of stress for the people around them. Personally, I’ve found my participation in weddings more fun and relaxing when I know where I need to be, when I need to be there, and what I need to bring with me. Obviously, you won’t be able to anticipate every little thing, but covering the basics, and putting all the info you may have told them over the past few months in one email, helps a lot.

    • Totes McGotes

      I think there’s a lot of good advice here. The things I remember about the best weddings I’ve been to are things that don’t necessarily cost anything extra: a soloist who could actually hit the high note in “Ave Maria”; particularly touching vows or toasts; good food; a fun DJ; a fun, relaxed vibe. The worst are things like waiting 2 hours from the couple to come back from taking pictures, with only cheese and crackers to eat, and then when the dancing *finally* starts, they keep clearing the floor to take more pictures with selected groups of friends.

      Basically, if you make sure that your guests are comfortable and that your wedding reflects YOU, then everyone will remember it as a great day.

      • NOLA

        I love the Ave Maria comment! I sang at my cousin’s wedding and it was in a campus chapel in nowhere KY. The minister was so excited that somebody’s cousin could actually sing – he wanted to know when I’d come back to visit. The same thing happened at my friend’s wedding in northern NJ. The organist was so excited when he heard that I could really sing that he had me sing a lot more than we had planned. Luckily, it was all music that my friend liked. I hired someone to sing at my wedding because all of my friends from church were singers and I didn’t want a friend to have to work at my wedding. I just wanted them to relax and be guests.

    • NYNY

      My favorite weddings have been the budget ones I’ve attended, because they usually feel more personal. Every time I go to a blockbuster wedding, it feels like the couple just went for the generic Style channel big wedding, you know? Big entrance? Check. Fabulous bridesmaid’s dresses? Check. Gorgeous bride? Check. Lots of flowers? Check. Signature cocktail in color matching the wedding theme? You get the idea.

      I like the weddings where a couple is so in love that they make each other cry during vows. And where the toasts make me both laugh and cry. I like weddings where I can really feel the personality of the couple shine through the hoopla. That doesn’t cost a thing.

    • Daisy

      A few thoughts:

      – Do you have any centerpieces planned? If you don’t, but would like some, potted plants can be very inexpensive, but full and beautiful with a similar vibe as flowers. You can tie ribbons around the pots or stick photos of yourselves or anything else on sticks that come out of the pot.
      – Music: you can pick out more songs you like or that are special to you or thematically appropriate. I was at a $150kish NYC wedding recently and the music was one of the only elements that hadn’t been micromanaged. Lots of generic pop, much of it not what I’d want at my wedding (Before He Cheats, songs about broken hearts, etc.).

      As long as you and your fiance look like you’re delighted everyone is there and are having the wedding of your dreams, everyone will be happy for you and glad to be there. Really. The times I’ve left a wedding and been like, “whoa, that was a mess” were when the Bridezilla was visibly upset about details I hadn’t even noticed.

      • Amy H.

        A huge “This” to Daisy’s last paragraph. The guests at your wedding want to have a good time, but even more than that, they love you and want you to be happy. They will take their cues (and mood) from you. If you and your finance/spouse are stressed out, miserable, running around panicking or just zoning out in order to deal . . . guests *will* notice and will respond in kind.

        Also, as others have pointed out, you will be able to relax and enjoy being with your guests if you have someone else act as the day-of coordinator to keep things flowing and on schedule. Paying someone to do this for our wedding was far and away the best money we spent. And I also echo others’ comments about scheduling pictures for a time when guests are not simply waiting around for you. I can distinctly remember the weddings I’ve attended where so many of us had to wait around, seemingly forever . . . .

        Have a wonderful wedding day! It’s so not about the amount of money you spend, and you know that. Trust yourself. (A Practical Wedding is absolutely great for this.)

    • Darby

      So the comment monster ate my prior post — grr. I second (third/fourth/fifth, etc.) all the comments about not worrying about not having a big budget wedding & my favorite weddings have been the small quirky ones. To that end, here’s a few things I’ve seen done at those that have been a big hit that are either inexpensive or free that make for a good guest experience:
      – basket of flip flops for the women in a variety of sizes for when you want to kick off your shoes & dance (one bride told me she picked hers up for $1 a pair at Target)
      – late-night delivery of fast food (I’ve seen Taco Bell & McDonald’s brought in late at night to keep the party going)
      – basket of quilts/blankets for guests at outdoor weddings to snuggle up under
      – making some sitting areas close to the party – even just chair/table areas w/ some pillows so guests have a place to sit down if they don’t want to dance and don’t want to be at their table
      – serving drinks before the ceremony (I’ve seen this done w/ champagne & also lemonade & water) — keeps people from getting parched
      – having some kind of “fun” dessert in addition to cake (or instead of) – there’s the standby candy bar, but you could also do donuts & cookies to have some extra touches that aren’t too expensive

    • too many bad weddings!

      More than any little touch– make sure your wedding is actually well organized. If you don’t have one already– it is completely worth it to get a day-of-coordinator. If it’s out of your budget, see if you get trade-off with a friend (she’ll be yours and you’ll be hers) who you aren’t super close with (you want your besties to be able to share the day with you and not have to deal with all the messes). If nothing else, do some research on putting together a wedding timeline that realistic. Designate someone to make sure you stick to that timeline (again, try not to put this load on your besties). Think about the realities of the day, plan accordingly, and rehearse!!

    • Bluejay

      Couple blog recommendations: A Practical Wedding, and Young House Love (click on the post about their wedding)

    • Pest

      Just make sure the DJ is good and plays fun music most people will love, the food actually tastes good, and the booze does not run out. Bad food puts people in a bad mood. Also invite at least a few guests that you know love to dance and let their hair down so bad that they make fools of themselves and don’t care. This will encourage everyone to have a good time. After the wedding, they won’t remember what color the chair caps are or what the centerpieces look like. They will remember they had a blast and danced their a**es off.

    • AT

      At my cousin’s wedding, they had a table of funky picture frames (just the frame, no backing or glass), hats, boas, funny glasses, mustaches on sticks, and all sorts of fun inexpensive props. They hung a pretty yellow curtain on a shower rod across one of the doors, and guests were able to take their own photos posing with the crazy props. It was super fun, my family has some great pics (and our Christmas card photo), and everyone shared their pics with the bride and groom, so they have even more fun mementos of their party.

    • girl in the stix

      It’s not the amount of money spent, but the wealth of love that you show to your groom, family and friends that make a wedding memorable. I was a wedding photographer for years and saw the 12 bridesmaids/groomsmen, sit-down dinner for 700 in a 4-star hotel weddings, to the simple no attendants, cake and (nonalcohol) punch in a church basement. Throughout this range from simple to extravagant, I saw all levels of cheapness and largesse, and none of it had to do with money.

      True love cannot be enhanced by money, or diminished by its lack.

    • EM

      Just be glad you don’t stalk wedding-planning sites. Apparently they can cause the same feelings of wedding inadequacy. I’m glad I got married in 2000, before the internet was rife with things like TheKnot and Pinterest.

  7. AIMS

    Speaking of belts… I really need a black woven (?) belt with a covered buckle… 2-3 inches wide. I used to have the perfect version of this that I got for like $10 in New Mexico, it went with everything, but I lent it to a friend and then never saw it again (hate that!). I’d like to spend <$40 on it. I've come close but haven't found anything perfect. If anyone has seen something along these lines, pls. let me know – I'd appreciate it :)

    • Monday

      I have a belt exactly fitting this description that I got at nordstrom. I don’t remember how much it was, unfortunately. I also saw similar at loft. However I haven’t shopped for this item for a few years.

  8. Almost done

    Ok, I need some advice on dealing with my husband. I have come to the conclusion the past several weeks/few months that I’m mean to him. I’m just crabby most of the time around him. I feel like he can’t do anything right. And then he doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with me because I’m always crabby, and then I’m upset and crabby that he doesn’t want to hang out with me. (I wouldn’t want to hang out with me, either.)
    He’s not perfect. He can be a jerk and some of the stuff he does is truly irritating and insensitive. I think that’s what bothers me – I’m not happy with the way he’s treating me and I’m not happy with the way I’m treating him, but I don’t know what to do to stop the cycle.

    I’m 8 months pregnant with our second, and I keep hoping (as does he) that it’s hormones and will go away eventually, but it’s getting tough to handle in the meantime.

    Here is an example – I complain that I need a break from our daughter (I work full-time, but he also travels 60-70% of the time, so most weeknights and a lot of weekends are just me and the 2-yr old.) So he takes her for several hours on a weekend day and leaves me to do whatever I want all day long. Then I get mad at him for taking her all day. I think I’m mostly unhappy with a lot of other things and I take it out on him. In the previous example, I think I was upset that I couldn’t decide if I should nap, work out, clean, get baby stuff ready, try to make plans with friends, etc. with my free day and being overwhelmed by that, just got mad at him.

    He’s been telling me for a while that I seem generally unhappy with life and he doesn’t know what he can do to help. I was in therapy for several years dealing with an issue with my mom and feel that although I made progress on that situation, I wasn’t making much progress when I talked to her about other areas of my life, so I’ve kind of stopped going and am not sure where to find a new one. I’ve asked husband about going with me to counseling, but he claims most of our arguments are because I’m unhappy internally and I need to address that first.

    Anyone have any experience with a similar situation? How did you get out of the hole of disrespecting each other that I feel we’re starting to spiral down? It’s not abusive or anything, just using language with each other that we never used to use and I consider disrespectful or occaisionally going to bed/leaving the house without resolving an argument – things that we didn’t do the first 10 years of our marriage. And as much as I keep thinking the solution is to “just be nice, even when I want to say something bratty,” it’s hard to do that!

    • LilyB

      I’m not married so any advice I have is probably not the best. But from reading your post, two things struck me: first, it seems like you need time with just your husband, no kids- obviously this will be hard with another baby on the way, but can you get someone to watch your 2-year old for a night so you can have some romantic time alone?
      Second, I don’t think it’s fair for him to refuse to go to couples counseling, and to put everything on you. If you’re unhappy, it’s his problem as well as yours because you’re his wife!

      Read more: https://corporette.com/2012/07/02/coffee-break-stretch-leather-tab-belt/#ixzz1zV6Rqi3D

    • SJR

      Although its hard to comment not knowing you, it sounds a lot like me before I went into therapy for depression. Easily annoyed and frustrated, generally unhappy and taking it out on the people around me, etc. If he is hesitant to go to counseling with you maybe it truly would be good to go a few sessions by yourself, and then work your way back to the conversation again.

    • rosie

      What if you told your husband that you are hesitant to go back to therapy on your own and want to start out with some couples sessions? Even if your arguments are because you are unhappy internally, I think that couples sessions could help you understand how to separate what you are unhappy about from what he is doing, and help him understand what is about him versus other things. Can you ask your PCP for recommendations for therapists, and go from there (or it seems like people have reccs if you ask here–not sure if you’re in a large area or not and would feel comfortable asking)?

      As for not knowing what to do on the weekends…can you afford to hire a cleaning service so you don’t have to worry about doing chores during your limited free time? Does your husband commit in advance to when he will take your 2-year-old, or is it last minute, so it’s harder to plan? Can you structure your day so you work out, and then meet your husband and 2-year-old for lunch, so you’re having some me time and then can spend time with them?

    • SAB

      Focusing on small thing communications really helps us. Sometimes I need to kindly and explicitly tell my husband what I need/expect from him and not expect him to mindread. On the other hand, he was learned to ask more questions and not just assume everything is fine. I also try to compliment and not just complain. Sometimes it’s ok to go to bed mad or walk out of the house. But you should know if that is someone’s coping style and set an end time so the fight doesn’t just fizzle into frustration.

    • anon

      I would try an experiment. For two weeks–just two weeks–refrain from saying anything mean/critical/insenstive. No matter what, just bite your tongue. Write it down if you have to. Here’s the thing: you need to refrain from saying anything unkind or critical at all–even if he deserves it! Because at the end of the day, it’s not about being right; it’s about saving/improving your marriage.

      Part two of the experiment: every day, say one nice thing. It doesn’t have to be anything overwhelming. It can be, “thanks for making the bed.” Or, “that shirt looks nice on you.” Or even, kindly, “it’s really good to see you.”

      Two weeks. That’s it. If you have the impulse to say critical things, do whatever you need to do to restrain yourself–write them down, if you have to. Even if he does the most insensitive thing in the world. What do you have to lose? It’s just two weeks.

      And then see what happens. If you like what you see after two weeks, well, there’s your answer. If not, you’ve lost nothing, except maybe the opportunity to point out something that frustrates you (which you can always do after the two weeks are up).

      • Research, Not Law

        I was thinking something along the same lines. I think ‘they’ recommend that a healthy marriage has five positive things said for every negative. I think the *way* the negative is phrased is equally important. I wait to criticize or correct my husband. Mainly I do it so that I can cool off and we’re out of the situation, which makes him more receptive and me more collected – but I often find that I don’t even remember or care even an hour later.

        But girl – as someone who recently had a second child – being pregnant, working, and having a toddler is not easy. It’s crazy hormones + legit stress. I often found that I would be annoyed with my coworkers or toddler, but the only person I could throw it at was my husband. When I would catch myself being hard on him just because he’s the only person I had to be hard on, I would immediately apologize and clarify. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to use that tone of voice.” or “I’m sorry. I’m really just uncomfortable and worried about a project deadline.” I also tried to at least daily say “I love you and our family. Even though this is hard right now, I’m so glad I’m doing it with you.” He said it helped. He could have just been lying to avoid getting yelled at, but I like to think it was the truth ;)

    • OHCFO

      Similar experiences here. In my case, indiv therapy focused on work/life balance has helped tremendously. If you’re reading this site, you may just be a lifelong overachiever and the full-time job/toddler/pregnant/traveling husband struggles make it damn near impossible to be successful at everything. In my experience, just venting about how hard it is to juggle it all with a neutral professional has been cathartic, as has the therapist’s hall pass to underachieve at the things that really won’t matter in the long-term.

      Good luck. It’s a hard time to get through and I hope that you find a path that works for you.

    • AnonAz

      There are a couple great books that I have had success with… both are quite Christian focused (I am not at all religious, and enjoyed them anyway, but just a warning in case that is offputting to you). This scenario is defined as the “Crazy Cycle.” The woman wants love and understanding from her husband, and is upset when she doesn’t get it, and so is snappy/disrepectful. In return, he feels disrespected, and so isn’t loving understanding. Rinse and repeat.

      There is a set of books by Shaunti Feldhahn called For Women Only and For Men Only. Each of you is supposed to read your respective book, which gives you some insight into what the other spouse “needs” in a mate. They are based on large surveys done in what looks to me to be a reliably scientific way (I have some social science statistics in my background but by no means an expert). Obviously they are generalizations to some extent, but they have been pretty right on for the most part in my relationships.

      A corollary to these books, which essentially say that women need to be “loved” and men need to be “respected” (not that they’re mutually exclusive, but that is how each sex perceives that he or she is cared about in a relationship), is The Language of Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs. It is quite detailed about how to specifically communicate in these styles. The whole respect thing was not intuitive to me at all, but after reading them I catch myself saying what is perceived by men as disrespectful. If anything, it just puts the impact of what you’re saying on your mind. The book recommends before you say anything, think: “Will this make my SO feel loved and respected?” If the answer is no, don’t say it. That doesn’t mean you can’t ever complain or voice an opinion, its more of how you say it than what you say.

      She also did a similar book on mens views of women in the workplace. That book made me want to throw it across the room on numerous occasions. Not because of her, but because of some of the “answers” to her survey. If you work with a lot of men (which I suspect most of us do), its very interesting. I haven’t been able to test out those ideas much, since I read it in law school and won’t be back in the fulltime work force until this fall.

    • dancinglonghorn

      It sounds like what you think you are mad about (needing him to take the kid for a while) is not actually what you are mad about, so when he does the thing you ask him too, it doesn’t “fix” your mood. Maybe you are actually mad about things like lack of attention from him, etc.? Also, I really like the marriage blog projecthappilyeverafter -> google it.

  9. LilyB

    I’m not married so any advice I have is probably not the best. But from reading your post, two things struck me: first, it seems like you need time with just your husband, no kids- obviously this will be hard with another baby on the way, but can you get someone to watch your 2-year old for a night so you can have some romantic time alone?
    Second, I don’t think it’s fair for him to refuse to go to couples counseling, and to put everything on you. If you’re unhappy, it’s his problem as well as yours because you’re his wife!

    • Anon

      I respectfully disagree with LilyB. I went through a period not too dissimilar from AlmostDone’s and went to couples counseling with my hubby (ostensibly because he made a major career change with limited consultation with me). During that same time, I went to individual counseling as well because I felt majorly unhappy and irritable too, but it was longer standing and not directly related to major career change. I found that the individual counseling was really the thing that worked for me-although couples counseling helped too. Basically, I had an underlying unhappiness with my life and allowed myself to get mad at hubby for all of his actions-big and small. So, couples counseling alone would not have solved my problems. PS: I am not a huge fan of counseling so that period was not a happy one in my life, but I didn’t see any other alternative unless I wanted to remain miserable. So, I think Almost Done’s hubby is not off base in suggesting she begin with individual counseling. PPS: I was not pregnant at the time, but I truly believe that does add to the stress. You are parenting, gestating, about to have another all-encompassing obligation-so, yes, it’s perfectly normal to feel like you want every other aspect of your life to be (close to) perfect!

  10. Wedding Etiquette Q

    We are attending a near town, but need to stay in hotel wedding this Summer. Normally, DH and I would spend around $250 on the wedding gift or give a check for that amount if we’re both attending the event. But now we are also forced to shell out $150 on hotel and some travel expenses, so it seems a bit steep altogether. I know we should just “give what we can”, but the thing is we “can” afford to give the $250 and to also spend the money on the hotel, but it’s just not how we would like to spend our money if we can help it — would much rather save for a vacay or go out to a great dinner, not spend a night at a Sheraton in NJ. What do people do in this kind of situation? Can we give a bit less or must we stick to the same sum as we would if the wedding was in a more easily accessible venue? It’s been a few years since we last had this kind of situation and we’re a bit torn. I know this is awkward because no one ever talks about how much they actually spend on these events and it’s all highly personal anyway but I am asking here in internet anonymity of you : all our friends would probably just demur IRL if asked. If it matters, we’re in NY area but wedding is in neighboring tristate area.

    • shocked in the midwest

      Wow, $250 on a gift?
      I got married in a Midwest city a year ago, and the only people that spent that much on a gift were very close relatives. The norm was much closer to around $50-100 for guests around my parents age and $30-$40 for friends that were freshly out of college/just getting started in their careers.
      FWIW I come from an upper middle class family, as did most of the guests, so I’m sure some could afford to do more.
      Maybe I’m unusual, but it seems that you could definitely spend less and still get a nice gift.

    • SF Bay Associate

      So give less. I hate the so-called “cover your plate” “rule.” B.S.! I think people should give what they’re comfortable with, not what they “can.” So, in your situation, I’d drop the cost quotient and up the thoughtfulness quotient. No one can ever know what any household’s financial situation is – the DINKs over there may be paying off serious credit card debt and can barely afford to attend, and the modest family with four kids from podunk may have a large inheritance and splash out on a fancy gift. People who will judge you for giving a gift that’s $100 instead of $250, especially knowning you have to travel to the wedding, are jerks in my book.

    • pinky

      I totally commiserate. My BFF has chosen to have her wedding in the most inconvenient far off rural place ever! Between the air tickets, hotel, and PTO involved I just feel soooo bah humbug about the (cash only no registry) wedding gift. I love her as my BFF, but damn girl!

    • Kontraktor

      My guidelines for gifts are $50 for somebody who is only an aquaintence, $100 for a good colleague/more genial friend, and $150-180 for a really good and close friend. This might change if we had to pay a lot to attend a wedding, but so far we’ve only attended local ones or sent gifts in absentia.

      Another thing I’ve done in the past where I have wanted to get a friend a big gift but couldn’t afford the whole thing- pooled together with a couple other people to the tune of maybe $75-80 each. It’s win win- I pay less for a gift and the person gets a huge big ticket item.

    • Daisy

      In NYC here. We do $250 cash for the wedding gift, plus another ~$100 for the shower off the registry (if invited) which I’m pretty sure is “market” around here among our peers. And we might have to start bringing a gift to engagement parties soon too because we felt majorly out of place without one recently. We’d probably gift the same amount regardless of where it is, though if the wedding requires too much travel/hotel budget and isn’t a very close relative or best friend, we have a rule that we don’t go. It gets to be a LOT, and I of course don’t expect everyone else to follow these guidelines, but that’s what I would do.

    • Senior Attorney

      I say go with your gut. I could argue it either way, and I am sure some guests will shell out the full gift plus travel, and some will deduct the travel costs form the gift. Me personally, I would balance how irked I would be to give a higher amount vs. how guilty I would feel to give a lower amount, and go from there.

  11. oclg

    I feel the same way too. Last year, I did a joint dinner with a good friend whose birthday is 6 days before mine. I ended up having a good time but I wasn’t enthralled with having some of the people there from her side of the guest list. We have a ton of mutual friends and they all appreciated one big celebration but then I didn’t really invite anyone else, other than my then bf. It did take away a lot of the stress for me, but then I felt bad for not having as many other friends there and that was depressing. I think there’s a lot of pressure on birthdays and this year I really plan on doing exactly what I want, and only things for me. It’s on a Sunday this year so it might work. I’m at a place where I don’t feel particularly close to the people geographically convenient to take me out for my birthday, and I’d rather not feel like its my birthday pity party (which is what it felt like 2 years ago.)

  12. Lawyer as Paralegal?

    I have a TJ/job question. I’m seeking input from more experienced legal professionals.

    I am a licensed attorney. I graduated in May 2011, but have been working as a non-attorney law clerk because I have not been able to find an attorney position. I was about to leave this job for a large document review project when the firm offered me a paralegal position. The idea is that I would do paralegal duties as well as some more substantive legal work. There is a possibility (although no one will promise, of course) it could grow into an attorney position.

    I’m tempted to take it because it’s about 15,000 more a year than my law clerk salary plus it has benefits. I like working here and I would love to grow into an attorney position. However, I’m worried I might be shooting myself in the career foot but taking a paralegal position.

    Any thoughts?

    • Maddie Ross

      Are you already fully licensed (barred in that state, etc)? If yes, then I say yes, this is not ideal. You are likely pigeon-holing yourself in a position with your current firm where you will not be an attorney. And may be preventing yourself from finding an attorney position long term at another firm. Paralegal does not equal attorney. You will not be able to sign pleadings. They do not carry malpractice insurance for you. Unless they told you there was the potential for it to grow into an attorney position (like explicitly told you, not just your thought or interpretation), I would not hold my breath thinking that would happen.

    • Anonymous

      If you don’t have some kind of confirmation or real likelihood that this will change into an attorney position, it seems risky. Additionally and unfortunately, there is a perceived status difference between staff and attorneys, so even if you transitioned from paralegal to attorney, you may not be perceived to have the same authority within the office. I also think that it will look odd to other potential employers that you are an attorney but instead of gaining experience as an attorney, you elected to gain experience as a paralegal, which is quite different no matter the extra “substantial legal work.”

    • BKClerk

      I’m also a 2011 grad and I’m disgusted with law firms using barred attorneys for subpar jobs. It’s manipulative and just taking advantage of vulnerable grads with way too much debt to hold out for something requiring a license. Ugh, I would never work for a law firm willing to take a law grad and “graciously” offer him/her a paralegal position as a promotion. I’d work at Starbucks before I’d do that.

      • Anonymous

        It seems like it was a risk you took when you entered law school during a downturn in the economy. But, yes, there is always Starbucks.

        • BKClerk

          No one in the class of 2011 entered law school in a downturn. The class of 2008, who graduated a mere 3 months before we entered, all had jobs (at least at my school). When my class started taking the LSAT and planning on law school, it was 2006 or 2007 and the economy was booming. So do NOT lecture the class of 2011 about making a poor choice. We were the last class taken by surprise.

        • BKClerk

          Furthermore, I have a job starting immediately after my clerkship making six figures because, even at 18, I had the foresight to get an undergraduate degree in an up and coming area (a hybrid between electrical engineering and computer science) that would be in demand for many years to come. I will never struggle to find a job.

          • Snarky Much?

            “I will never struggle to find a job” is the kiss of death to your job-finding luck.

            Just an FYI.

          • Herbie

            “I will never struggle to find a job.” Check back in a few years and let us know how that went.

    • Makeup Junkie

      Can you negotiate the position to give yourself the title of Staff Attorney?

    • SAB

      I would ask to be a staff attorney. You won’t have the promotion track to partner like an associate, but you still can do well money wise and actually practice law.

    • Herbie

      I’ve worked with several attorneys who were full-time paralegals before law school. Although they were detail oriented and could accomplish well-defined tasks, each seemed to struggle with formulating strategy because they spent so long handling projects only. They were never able to understand the 30,000-foot view of the case.
      YMMV of course.

    • Senior Attorney

      I might ask whether you could take the same job, with the same duties and same salary and benefits, only call it “staff attorney” rather than “paralegal.”

  13. OHCFO

    Hair TJ: I am a public sector CFO in my mid thirties. I’m afraid that my current below the shoulder layered shag comes off as unprofessional. Because it is very thick and has a wavy/straight personality disorder, I style it differently depending on what will work best with the current conditions. About 50% of the time it do it scrunched and curly (so it sits just above my shoulders) and the other half is variations of straight–either flat iron sleek or hot roller volume.

    I am concerned that both the general style and the frequency of style changes is coming off as unprofessional and perhaps undermining the way I’m perceived by my colleagues and constituents. I’ve been considering cutting it short (but how short?) to create more of a grown-up look but haven’t a clue what that should be.

    Thoughts? Ideas? As a point of reference, my face is round–so pixie looks–not so much.

    • JessBee

      For my round face, a chin-length or slightly longer bob with minimal long layers has been the most professional style, but I have very fine, straight hair,and I don’t know that it would work as well for thick/curlwavy hair. Honestly, I am having trouble imagining the problem with your current style. Styling it differently (straight vs. curly) doesn’t strike me as equivalent to frequent style changes of the kind that would be worrisome. Lots of curly-haired women I know change up the curly/straight/bunched look, and I don’t think people think twice about it usually. Having said that, I love changing up my hair, and if you don’t feel rock-the-boardroom confident in your current style, then I support changing it! Maybe try just above the shoulders, with some layers to help control the shape? The only problem I see is that you’re likely to still want to vary whether it’s straight down or scrunched up.

    • Kontraktor

      I would not recommend a short cut unless you are style/product savy. I have horrible not-wavy-not-straight hair that I recently cut all off for the first time in my life. It has been interesting. I’ve sort of enjoyed shorter hair, but I *have* to style it every day and I have invested in quite a few $30 products to do so. I will say that having my shair short does allow me to *style* it vs. just wear it (like I did with longer hair). I either do vintage-esque 50s style curls, flipped outwards/fluffy in the back (kind of like Tina Fey used to have her hair), or straight with the ends curled under and the sides pinned back (sort of a fake bob as it’s not quite long enough to be a full chin-length bob yet). But, the key point is that I actively have to work to style my hair, so if you want wash and go, I’m really not sure shorter hair is for you. At the same time, I don’t think different styles mean you are unprofessional- ha, if that’s the case, then I’m scr*wed since I normally style my hair in whatever manner it’s best behaving that day. So, vintage curls for a couple of days then sleek fake bob the next. Sometimes I will wear my hair to go with my outfit. I don’t really think anything of it.

      I think so long as your hair is polished, not too frizzy/unkempt, and looks put together, it doesn’t matter how you style it or if you style it differently. Maybe you could head to your stylist and ask for a few tips on styling/if she has any recommendations to spruce your look up a bit without a drastic change.

    • karenpadi

      I have fine, wavy hair but a lot of it. And a round face. I went all-out pixie 3 years ago. Love! Love! Love! Use a stylist you trust to make you look good (and have been seeing for more than 3 months) and bring pictures. With short hair, you get what you pay for when it comes to stylists.

      I can’t style (or blow dry) my hair to save my life and my long hair always looked messy and immature. With the pixie, I just comb it out and apply a dimes’ worth of product. In a pinch, I have gotten away with not combing it.

  14. Woods-comma-Elle

    I just wanted to give a big shout out to everyone who took up my offer of [this site] pen pals, it’s so nice to hear from people! Snaps for [this site]!

  15. because i know who reads this blog...

    Kind of in the same vein as the birthday thread-what do you do when you feel like everyone is moving on without you and you’re the only single one? I just hit this moment where it seems like all of my local friends are moving on to the next life stage and I am not. A lot of my friends that I see on a regular basis are from law school and we vary pretty widely in age, from 26-32, male and female. (I’m in the middle at 28.) One just announced she was pregnant, two are moving in with significant others, and one just got engaged. Another two just started dating new people and are always together. I am genuinely happy for each of them and can’t wait to meet the baby and go to the wedding, etc. But I feel kind of left behind. The last serious relationship I had lasted about a year, and ended 8-ish months ago. I started dating again a few months back, but nothing has stuck beyond date #2 or 3. I don’t have an overwhelming desire to meet my future husband tomorrow or even in the next year, but would like to not feel so lonely and without locationally close friends. (I reread the post from May on the lonelies, which helped, but I tend to do those things anyway.) Generally speaking, I really am happy with my life. I have a job I like most days, friends I can count on, a close family, and hobbies I really enjoy. I’ve started going to meetups to practice my Spanish and German and started doing swing dancing and got back into swimming. But I miss my friends and I’m not really making new friends at these events, no matter how much I try. My best friend lives clear on the other side of the country, and while we talk every day, it isn’t quite the same since we can’t just meet for dinner or go do something on the weekend. I get that as people age and change, so do relationships. And I know I did the same thing in my last relationship. I just wish that I were a little more in the loop/new group that seems to be forming without me.

    • karenpadi

      You are doing the right things. But there are always dry spells and always friends who are busy doing something else (I am speaking from my current predicament–no 4th of July plans for Wednesday, none). I try to think of the dry spells as my time for “storing up” me-time, doing projects around the house, or catching up on billable hours (or TV shows or hanging with my cats).

      • op

        Me either! I plan on sleeping in part 7 and catching up on some tv. I wish I had kitties to Han out with, but alas, no. Enjoy your you day!

      • NOLA

        My only plans for the 4th are going to a movie with a girlfriend because we found out the other night that her boyfriend has to work and he manages the movie theater. We figured it would also be cool. It’s so hot here that the most exciting thing I’ve done in years past is to go buy some ribs and watch baseball in the air conditioning.

      • SH

        I only got plans for the 4th today when one of my friends’ called and said she was supposed to go to a BBQ that got canceled because they have no electricity. But yeah, my plan was to “store-up” me-time.

        And hang with your kitties and give them hugs!! :-)

      • Deborah

        I don’t have any plans, either. How about an impromptu meetup at Cafe Crema? Maybe at 4pm?

    • Herbie

      Hang in there!

      I’m recently single after ending a long-term relationship. All of my friends have had or will have babies this year. That changes the social landscape a bit, but so did everybody getting married.

      I think the key is being deliberate about maintaining existing relationships and growing new ones. By and large, those relationships are not going to just happen. Be diligent about maintaining your network. As for your other social activities, if no new friends have come out of them, hang in there. Or try new stuff. Making new friends is a lot like dating. Plenty of people you won’t click with, some who will reject you, and then occasionally you’ll strike upon that person you really like (and who likes you back). Just takes a lot of time and effort.

  17. Anon

    Just complete my first year as an associate in big firm. I made my billable hour requirement and bonus, which apparently is unheard of (at least in this firm). However, I worked my little tail off getting it down and now I have a hard time getting motivated this year. Has anyone else experienced this?

    • karenpadi

      Nice work!

      Have you ever watched the Road Runner cartoon where Wily Coyote runs off a cliff but only falls once he realizes what he’s done? That’s where you are now. You’ve burned out but only realize it now by virtue of having made your requirement and bonus.

      Take a vacation, leave your computer and phone at home.

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