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Coffee Break: Striped Elaphe, Suede and Grosgrain Pumps

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Nicholas Kirkwood Striped Elaphe, Suede and Grosgrain PumpsWow, these are gorgeous shoes. So many elements combine to make them purely “office shoes” (as in, not for outdoor wear — the grosgrain toe! the beige suede heels!) — but I'd happily wear them inside. I quite like the black and white striped leather, which apparently is snakeskin, and the combination of beige, black, and white make these feel like a classic neutral. They're $795 at Net-a-Porter. Nicholas Kirkwood Striped elaphe, suede and grosgrain pumps (L-2)

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

108 Comments

  1. Wow, those shoes are beautiful. Anyone know of a cheaper alternative?

      2. Drool. Those barneys shoes are 2 clicks away from coming home with me. The problem? I’m 5’8″ and 4″ heels look ridiculous on me. If they were half an inch shorter, I’d take em. Anyone else have a heel-height limit?

        1. Rock the height too tall! I would definitely buy them if they were available in my size!

  2. I’m really glad these shoes are *completely* out of my price range rather than just slightly. Otherwise I would be really tempted to blow my budget.

    1. Haha I agree! I saw the picture and was thinking ok I want to buy those…..if they were 300 or less, maybe. They are gorg!!

      Whoever finds a cheaper alternative, I will love you!!

    2. My dad would NOOTER me if he found out I bought these. FOOEY!

      Even if I was a PARTNER at my firm, I would NOT be abel to get these. They are cute tho!!!!

      Myrna is comeing by at 5 so that we can go to the Second Avenue Deli. She realy love’s Corn Beef and Kishkey so we agreed we would order both then SPLIT the corn beef and I would get 3/4 of the Kishkey. Yay!

      Dad does NOT like me eateing Deli b/c he said that is how Mom got her tuchus. Mabye that is true or mabye it is NOT, but either way, I think we should be abel to eat what we want, and if that means corn beef or Kishkey, then so be it. YAY!!!!!!!!!!

      I do NOT have any plan’s for the weekend yet. This guy from the office across the hall keep’s stareing at me. I think he is in adveritiseing, kind of like on Mad Men. If ONLEY he was a Don Drayper, OMG, I would melt. Unfortunateley, he is sloppy looking and pick’s his nose when he look’s at me. FOOEY!

    3. My thoughts exactly – I was about to click over to buy them and saw the price. But OMG these are soooo pretty. Why must you torture us like this Kat?!

  3. Finance TJ: For those of you with kids or considering kids, did your finances influence your decision to have children? If so, how? Or, did you assume that it would just work out?

    1. We didn’t assume it will all work out, but we are assuming that we will make it work, as Tim Gunn would say.

      For example, we’re TTC right now and we’ve cut back on going out to eat, buying clothes, etc. in order to build up more savings in case I end up out of work longer than expected and because we anticipate a bump in our expenditures if/when a baby is born. We plan to pay off one of my student loans in December and then start dumping those payments into a savings vehicle and a college fund. But we didn’t have any set financial marker for when we would TTC. The decision was entirely based around me being at my job for a year first.

    2. Yes, finances influenced the decision, and then, yes, we assumed it would all work out. :)

      We had this idea that I would get out of law school, get the loans paid off by getting a good job and living like we did while I was still in school within a year or two, then he would stay home. Due to the crash, that whole good job thing so did not happen. Finally, after a year each of 1) clerking, 2) working for a start up firm making very little, and 3) working for a small firm making OK, I (discussing it with him, of course) decided that I did not want to wait any longer, and we went ahead.

      Funny enough, a few months after I came back to work, I found a new, much better job, but with longer hours, and we decided that his schedule and my schedule would not work for day care, and we could afford for him to quit. So, we still have the student loans, of course, but otherwise, it did work out after all.

      (To be clear, we were always going to be fine – it was more about whether we could afford for him to stay home and afford benefits and keep up our standard of living. I would never advise someone to just assume it will all work out if there are concerns about whether they can keep a roof over their heads or pay for food or have health insurance.)

    3. I would like to have a second child (or I would have liked to… my daughter is now almost 7 and I’m less and less likely to want to start over again, as baby/toddler stage is really really difficult for me), but I totally can’t afford it. My ex-husband has a ridiculously low child support payment, and my current partner is a musician and doesn’t make steady money.

      Maybe if it were more important to my boyfriend, he would find ways to make more money, but I’m 33 and getting toward the end of the window of opportunity. Money is really the main reason I haven’t had the long discussions with him, though.

    4. I’m considering kids, and my student loans have a lot to do with my timing — ideally, I’d be rid of my loans in 9 years and have kids immediately.

    5. Considering kids relatively soon. My main goal was to pay off all of our law school loans first (I didn’t want to be paying off OUR school while starting to save for baby’s college), which we did last year and then started a 529 for Baby #1 with a portion of our prior monthly payments. Now we’re enjoying being DINKs (and No Loans) for a year or two although still staying serious about socking money away before we need it like things for a car… and a house… and childcare…

    6. not in the least. Our parents had us when they were young and poor (in grad school) and made it work, and we decided our readiness/desire for children was more important than our finances. As my mom always reminded me, there is never a perfect time to have children, women have been having children at all points in their lives and in all financial situations for a very long time, and you just have to go for it, so at 27, we went for it.

      So far, so good – we’re expecting our first in the fall. I’ve arranged a reduced class load for my last year of law school and my husband has enough vacation saved up to do 4-day weeks for the first year (which is ok’d by his employer.) but we have a tiny apartment, no car, and a moderate amount of law school debt. We’ll figure it out as we go along… just hoping I don’t get no-offered at the end of the summer. I worked as a paralegal before law school and my clients were all low-income and making it work… if they can, I can.

    7. I knew I wanted to be able to fund their education, and that private school was a significant possibility, so we knew we were only going to have two.

    8. Yes, finances and my job influenced our decision. We waited until we could afford a house, daycare, and 2 cars in our fairly high COL area. I also chose to stay in a job that has insanely good benefits and allows me to telecommute almost full time allowing us to need fewer hours of daycare a week (and no nanny/au-pair to help out as many colleagues have). The job is competitive to market rates (barely) but the possibility of a bump in pay isn’t enough to make me give up the telecommuting.
      Honestly – I think we may be 1 and done though, not so much due to cost as much as the impact to our career and time as a couple.

    9. Yes, but also, no. We knew we wanted to wait until late 20s/early 30s to have kids. We knew I wouldn’t need more grad school, and we knew DH wanted an MBA. So we waited until the MBA program was over and he had a job…and now we’re a few months from having a kid. We still have some loan $$ from his MBA, but we paid off about 1/3 of the 60k this year alone. We can live on my salary alone, and I”m up for a big promotion (which surprised me, since I was told AFTER I announced I’d be out all of Q4 for mat. leave…). DH’s job is in…flux….but there is still income coming in, and it goes directly to his loans. We have 4-6 months of living expenses tucked away and own our home, but have had those things since pre-MBA.

      If we were truely struggling to make ends meet, and/or both unsteadily employed, and/or very unsettled, I’d have a hard time starting TTC. However, when you have kids, you just make it work. If we had to, I have family that could watch the kid instead of the daycare we’ll be using. If we had to, we could sell our house and move into something cheaper. We could sell our luxury car and get by on our 2nd (economical and older) car. DH wants 3 kids, and I don’t want to be having babies in my late 30s, so we decided to just go for it.

      1. I should add that I”m staying at my current company because of the insanely flexible work. The pay is good enough, but I have a great boss and can telecommute. Would I be learning more elsewhere? Yes. I’m decidedly a big fish in a small pond. But this pond has a nice view and I”m okay with that.

    10. I’m a little late to this, but my husband and I have had many conversations about when we want to start TTC and finances have played a role. I know I’m not planning on grad school, and he just finished his doctorate. We want to get a big jump on our student loans, build up some savings, and ideally have bought a house prior to having kids. But finances haven’t been the only factor in waiting. We want to have time to ourselves as a young cople with no obligations other than work/each other before we have to devote so much of our lives to our children.

  4. I am 32 years old, and likely still hoping to have a family. Three months ago I met a terrific guy. He is charming, attractive, and caring. He cooks, is very multi-talented, and is supportive of my stressful career. We share similar values and visions of our ideal future. The problem? I am beginning to suspect that he is not intelligent enough for me. In the past I’ve gone for brains over all else. This has burned me in the past, as I’ve dated narcissists and guys with no emotional center. I really like this guy, but his unpolished diction and general presentation just make me cringe sometimes – I’m talking about basic stuff like approaching a hostess at a restaurant and asking for a table. Obviously his intelligence has bearing on other matters, like his earning power, and I’m concerned how that could play out long term – I have zero desire to work as hard as I do for the rest of my life to support a family, and want a true partner.

    I have a history of wasting too much time with unsuitable men, and do not want to make the same mistake here. He is also younger, and I’m wondering if maturity plays a part here. Perhaps he will become less boyish with time? I’m wary of continuing a relationship with a boy on the expectation that he will change. Does anyone have advice for me?

    2. Are we talking actual intelligence or just a lack of know-how? Because I don’t think I could marry someone who wasn’t as smart as I am, but my husband is uneducated and sometimes his grammar/spelling/lack of know how makes that obvious. I just had to buy him a suit because he honestly did not know what he was supposed to pick out himself for a classic, wear to anything type of suit. However, he is ridiculously smart and can find the loophole in anything (I’m a lawyer and he outlawyers me all. the. time). We both enjoy reading the top news stories each morning and often have in-depth discussions regarding our differing views on various political and economic issues. He can also take apart anything and fix it. We have extremely similar views on almost all aspects of child-rearing and similar values with respect to spending, saving, and debt. He also works a steady job that while not high earning, will provide for good retirement benefits and allow him to retire young. Do I sometimes wish I had married rich? Absolutely. But he is my intellectual equal even if he continues to say things are going good instead of going well and says that the washing machine is “broke” instead of broken.

      If he’s not your intellectual equal, definitely let him go. And I wouldn’t count on him changing, but if he’s just unpolished, exposure to those types of situations will eventually change some of his presentation if he’s not the type to have a chip on his shoulder.

    3. Well first of all, I’ll say that some of the things you are saying are concerning. Working to support a family should be a combined effort, not just an effort on the man’s side (even if, on one partner’s side, the “working” is not necessarily earning income). Additionally, IMO, unpolished is not the same as unintelligent. I have dated people who were unpolished, before, and had great relationships. Unpolished often indicates the person didn’t necessarily have access to the same social capital and privilege as I did growing up, and so things like asking a hostess for a table push him out of his comfort zone. That doesn’t make him dumber than me – I’m sure people think I look dumb all the time in social situations I’m unused to. And unpolished doesn’t necessarily mean lower earning power – I’d venture a guess that there are plenty of plumbers and electricians that make substantially more than I do. Honestly, I think someone being unpolished would not be a dealbreaker for me.

      Immaturity (the boyishness you allude to) is also not the same as unintelligence, though at 32, I’d be concerned about continuing a relationship with someone I viewed as immature. If anything, by 32, I’d expect most people I’m interested in to be fairly mature – can manage their finances, have an idea of their career, can dress themself neatly, can handle basic hygiene, can address conflict in a healthy way, has an appropriate relationship with drugs and alcohol, etc. Immaturity at 32 probably would be a dealbreaker for me, though a youthful naivety wouldn’t necessarily.

      However, not being intelligent I view as a different thing than either not being polished, or not being mature – and that definitely could be a dealbreaker for me. I’ll note that think intelligence can come in many different forms, and I’ve certainly dated people in the past where I could say, “Well yes, I’m a much better communicator than you, but you really blow me out of the water when it comes to understanding physics, or of spatial relations, or of religion.”

      But someone who I can’t carry on a conversation with on the things I most like to talk about – things like politics, or economics, or sociology, or religion – even if we approach them from different backgrounds — that is a dealbreaker for me. I’ve been on dates with guys where sometimes when we would have conversations, I would honestly be a bit bored and think (maybe snobbily) “I am just… smarter than you.” If anything, it was a character flaw on my part that it bred a little bit of contempt in me that it was simple to outmaneuver these guys intellectually – and a sweet, caring, charming guy doesn’t deserve that! But I also don’t deserve to be with someone who I can’t discuss things with that are meaningful to me, and feel like we are having the conversation on equal playing field.

      So, in short, no, I couldn’t see myself being in a LTR relationship with a guy who when I spoke to, I just felt very basically like there was a huge gap between our intellect. However, I definitely could see myself (and have been with) guys who come from different backgrounds than me and therefore come off as “unpolished.” Polish fades, after all.

      1. This is an excellent response – thank you. Great food for thought. Just a couple of clarifications:

        – I agree that working to support a family should be a combined effort. My concern is that his limited earning power would require me to stay on the fast track, working 60-80 hour weeks as a wage slave, with no ability to roll back to a more manageable job for less money.

        – Your “access to social capital and privilege” insight is great. Problem is, we are practically twins in that area (parent vocations, incomes, neighborhoods, etc.). So it wasn’t an access problem. I’m not sure how we turned out so differently if it is not an IQ thing…in incidentally he *does* really blow me out of the water in spatial physics, among other things!

        – I’m not sure I agree that polish fades – at least not the polish I am talking about. It is the difference between saying “Hi, do you have room for two people for dinner? We don’t have reservations.” and “Hey, we’re two.” These are social graces, which I would expect to increase with age/maturity.

        As an example, I work in a very corporate setting and would be loathe to bring him to our annual holiday party. He is just so…unsophisticated and casual. He wouldn’t know how to properly speak with my boss or our vice president, etc. Whereas my prior beaux were the life of the party, charmed my superiors into offering dinner invitations and the like…

          1. Me too. The descriptors make me feel awful for him.

            Honestly, I hope you break up with him and he finds someone who actually likes him for who he is, rather than what he could/should be.

        2. “He wouldn’t know how to properly speak with my boss or our vice president, etc. Whereas my prior beaux were the life of the party, charmed my superiors into offering dinner invitations and the like…”

          That may be true, but your former beaux are former for a reason…

        3. It sounds to me like this guy isn’t doing it for you. I would caution you that in most cases, substance (kind hearted, not a jerk, etc) is more important than style (life of the party, wows your bosses) but at the same time – you can’t be in a long term relationship with someone you don’t respect. And it really doesn’t sound like you respect him, though you may like him, or even love him.

        4. I don’t think you should stay with this guy because you obviously look down on him. I don’t think many people would live up to your standards. Your restaurant example was extremely nit picky. Maybe you need to have an attitude shift at some point but who knows how that will come to be. Let him go so he won’t live under your disdain.

          1. Agree. I am surprised by the severity of your critique for the restaurant response, as I feel he was fine. I often say colloquially that I am doing “good”… and I have an MD PhD from Harvard. Sometimes casual is fine.

            Definitely break up with this guy, because he isn’t a good match for you. You are definitely “looking” for problems, and they may be deal breakers for you. But I do worry a little about your history of picking men, and that you wont find one that satisfies your checklist and treats you well.

            It is hard….

        5. Re: the access to social capital and privilege insight

          You’re focusing to much on the money portions of class. My husband’s background is close to mine, but he had never eaten Chinese food until I made him. His parents just didn’t do that. It’s less about money and more about attitude toward money. See Class by Paul Fussell

    4. Why are you trying to build a future with somebody who makes you cringe? It seems like you already look down on this guy. This relationship will only work if you change your expectations.

      1. Mutual respect is key! I was in a relationship with a guy who was less polished and less educated than I am (though definitely intelligent). I was mostly ok with it, though there were time that I would inwardly cringe at some of the things he said). What really killed the relationship was his complete lack of ambition. He would talk a great game about all the things he wanted to do, but when it came down to it would make almost no effort to reach those things. I’m talking unemployed, failing school lack of effort. Although he was a great guy in many ways, I definitely don’t want the pressure of being the sole or major breadwinner and it seemed like that would be my role. He would talk about being upset about not having a lot of money, but wouldn’t do much to change it.

    5. I agree with the other commenters. Another thing to consider is what line of work he does. He may not be spending his days with polished individuals or may not need to know how to handle certain situations. When we first started dating, I struggled a bit with my husband’s grammer habits. Part of that is his upbringing. Part of it too has to do with his industry (commercial construction). In his mind, coming across as too polished is a ding in his field. He’s pretty good at what he does so I trust his read on this. He’s gotten better at being polished in situations that count in the years we have been together.

    7. If it’s important that your partner have that polish, then this isn’t the relationship for you. You can’t assume he’ll change, so you have to take him as is. If the qualities he’s shown you (similar values, supportive of you, talented in his own right) aren’t enough to make you proud of him, then let him find someone that will like him for those qualities. You should be proud of whoever you pick to be your partner, and it doesn’t sound like this person is doing it for you (for whatever reason).

      1. This. Just like him not being polished isn’t a character flaw, neither is you wanting someone who is.

        2. Oh, and I used my racist dater handle from the other week to provide an update: after lots of great advice that said focus on who you want, not their race, but don’t force yourself to date someone you find unattractive, I started trusting my judgment more. And tonight I have a second date with an Indian guy who just happens to fill every box on my checklist :)

      2. Agreed with this entirely! Maybe it makes me superficial but polish is important to me and a guy that can’t handle himself with other people in a smooth manner would probably embarrass me a little. A sweet and charming but unpolished guy doesn’t deserve a girlfriend who is embarrassed of him so it would be better for both of us to not try to make it work.

        1. I agree with this, Mascot above, and many others. I wouldn’t expect him to change, nor would I expect your feelings about it to change.

          I will add from my own experience…you mentioned dating a string of brilliant guys who were narcissistic or lacking emotionally. I did the same, and had the same question at one point–should I stop expecting someone who challenges me intellectually, because they’re all jerks? It took a few years, but I found that wasn’t going to work for me, and that yes, there is someone who can meet my needs for intellectual connection *and* is also emotionally available, healthily humble etc. No judgment on anyone else’s relationships, but I’m glad I held out for that and don’t think I could actually have stayed with someone who offered only one or the other.

      3. On the other hand, if polish really is the main issue (and maturity/intelligence aren’t a problem), and you love and accept your partner in most other ways, just maybe don’t bring them to the holiday party.

        My aunt’s husband was a train conductor and a tree surgeon before he met her, who was a rising executive star at a Wall Street institution. After being with her for twenty years, he’s on first-name basis with most of the maitre d’s of the best restaurants in the city and collected a wine celler worth tens of thousands of dollars. He picked out and wore fantastic suits (some worth more than hers), and can charm just about anyone with his kind, homey anecdotes and honest interest in their lives. And best of all, because he started from an unpolished background, he was never dismissive of the waitstaff, which got them the best tables and service, and he built the wine cellar himself.

        But that’s just the polish side of it. Agreed with other commentors on the intelligence and expectations dealbreakers.

        1. See, the cynic in me reads this and thinks: “So he got really good at spending >her< money, maybe forcing her to stay in a miserable job far longer than she needed to. Meantime, he is statistically 5x more likely to cheat, and she is at risk for getting taken to the cleaners if he ever finds a cute young(er) thing….a scenario that is far more likely given our modern culture."

          If I loved my job and wasn't worried about being traded in, your aunt's scenario would otherwise sound like heaven to me!

          1. I mean this kindly, but statements like this make it sound like he is doing you a favor.

            If you’re that concerned about someone’s “lack of polish” and that he is going to use you for your money, don’t date him. It is that simple.

          2. Yikes! My aunt’s husband kept the house and drove her into and out of Manhattan every day, was a huge support to her through her very ambitious career climb, and worshipped her. Sounds like you don’t think that would be the case, which makes me think it would not be a good idea to continue seeing this guy.

            Find someone you’re crazy about and feel secure with, even if he has habits and traits that annoy or worry you, and make sure he’s absolutely bonkers about you. I think that’s the main thing that makes it work.

      4. Yes! +1 to all of this. I went through the same thing – just not feeling like we were at the same level intellectually – and had to pull the plug because that slight lack of respect just wasn’t fair to him.

        I thought about how I would feel if the situation were reversed: if I dated someone for whom fitness was of absolute importance, it wouldn’t matter how much they cared about me, being with someone who cringed to see me plopped on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s rather than at the gym wouldn’t feel good. Simply a difference in primary values.

        1. Yeah, this. I don’t think it’s a problem for a relationship if one person is less polished than the other, but it’s definitely a problem if one person is embarrassed by and looks down on the other. (For any reason).

          Cut if off, for his sake as much as yours. And frankly, it’s not a problem with “him”, it’s a problem with a lack of a match between the two of you. ie, “He’s a great guy, he’s just not YOUR great guy.”

  5. Pretty shoes!

    Has anyone spent time in Stockholm? I’d love recommendations on things to do and places to eat. We’re staying in the old town and traveling with elementary school aged kids.

    Thanks!

    1. Stockholm is a gorgeous city. No eating recommendations, although everything is expensive.
      The Vasa Museum is great for kids – a giant viking ship that’s been restored. Skansen (old world Sweden) is also fun. If you can do some sailing on the archipelago, it’s beatiful. Have a fabulous time!

      1. Also – the changing of the guard at the Royal Palace has a horse-mounted band! Which is much more exciting in person than it sounds.

    2. Not yet, but we’re going there with similarly aged kids this summer too! So far this is what I’ve got on my list: hop on /hop off bus tour to get oriented; the Vasamuseet, Skansen open-air museum, rides at Grona Lund (for when the kids deserve a non-cultural activity!), maybe Junibacken (the Pippi Longstocking park, though I think my kids are probably really too old for this, but I want to go), the Tekniska Museet (Museum of Science and Technology), maybe the Nobel museum, a canal boat tour, maybe renting bikes and riding around Djurgarden (though one of my kids isn’t a very good bike rider so she might not be comfortable with this), the food stalls at Saluhall in Ostermalm, walking around Gamla Stan. Day trip to Drottningholm palace, and also to Birka (the Viking island museum).

    3. Den Gyldene Freden for food in the old town (Gamla Stan) – traditional Swedish stuff and it is yummy, went there with my parents last summer and highly recommend for lunch or dinner. It has a very much an ‘old Sweden’ atmosphere but is not at all pretentious.

  6. My coworker today: a blindingly neon orange see-through chiffon dress with a spaghetti strap under-dress and two inch platform patent nude stilettos.

    Manager of another team today: a black lace trimmed wine colored silk top that looks uncomfortably like lingerie under a cardigan and a black skirt with red two inch platform patform stilettos.

      1. I never thought about that! You might be right! Corset shopping, anyone? ;-)

  7. I was in your exact shoes — I had suspicions my BF wasn’t as smart as I was, but everything else was so easy (and it was so wonderful to be pursued by someone who really really knew he wanted me) that I married him. We’re married now with a toddler. I’d still say things are wonderfully easy with us — I love him, he loves me, we’re very very happy.

    That said… I still suspect he isn’t as smart as me. It shows in little things, like when he’s tired he’ll make a decision that if he’d thought about for a half-second more he’d have realized was a dumb decision and would complicate things for us. It probably makes me take on more “family” work than I would otherwise. (I’ve always been the breadwinner, to varying degrees and through three careers, the entire time we’ve been together.)

    Everything has been workable and manageable, but communication and expectation is key — for example, there’s another thread here today about a woman whose husband took money from her account to pay his half of the bills — but I would never expect my husband to manage our finances like that. Everything we have goes into a joint account and then I pay all the bills. I trust him 100% and he has access to everything, but it’s my responsibility to push “pay bill” each month. Similarly, I asked him to babyproof the house. He spent three hours on a Saturday morning drilling a really ugly hole into the front of the tv cabinet and then I couldn’t even get at the little baby switchy thingy because my fingers are too short… so we paid $500 for babyproofers to come and now we’re both happy.

    I do worry a little bit about my son — I know boys often have problems with their fathers, and they say that intelligence comes from the mother so I wouldn’t want my son to look down on his father’s intelligence at all. But hopefully my son will be smart enough to see what my DH brings to the table — he’s the warm hug to my wet blanket and the perfect counterpart for me, and hopefully our family will be stronger for it.

    Hope that makes sense.

  8. Any suggestions on what to wear to an office sailing event?

    It’s a 3-hour afternoon sail (as in a three-masted schooner) on/around the SF Bay for a tech company. I’m thinking jeans and flat, knee-high boots with a company-logo jacket/windbreaker. Should I wear more boating-type shoes or tennis shoes instead?

    1. Yes to your shoe question – depending on whose boat it is, some people are OBSESSED with making sure you wear appropriate footwear that doesn’t scuff, etc. Plus if you’re clambering around the different levels of a boat, boots may make it hard to be flexible enough.

    2. Rubber soled shoes, please. Non-marking sneakers or boating-type shoes. No knee high boots.

      Have fun!!

    3. Thanks! I guess it’s my neon blue tennis shoes then. Good thing we are a casual company or I’d have to go boat-shoe shopping.

    4. Eh- I’d say that if you’re going on a boat that is being chartered by a yacht company, wear the boots of they’re more comfy. If you’re going to be on *someone*’s boat, wear rubber soles.

      If you’re going to be on anything less than 45′, wear sneakers/rubber soles. You’ll have to be spry.

  9. Just have to tell the hive, because i know that some of you will *really* appreciate this, in a way that most people I know IRL just don’t:

    Went to pick up my first set of foster kittens from the rescue yesterday, staffer tells me their names are… (drumroll please) Buffy, Willow and Xander!! I was all “YES!!” [fist pump] and she’s like: “oh, are those names from a show or something?”

    Anyway, I almost DIED, clearly these kittens were meant to be my first fosters! I love my little Scoob-itten Gang!!!

    3. Heeheee thanks! Also, does this make me Giles??? That’s the last character I EVER thought I would be. ;o)

        1. Totally, i LOVE Giles, I am just way too much of a crazy person to be him, he always is the one who keeps it together. ;o) Of course, I’m not kick-@ss enough to be Buffy, either….

    4. Oh my gosh, the Scoob-ittens.

      Just please don’t let anyone play kitten poker with them. :-)

      1. AACKKK!!! 93,234,102 LL points for that one!! TOTALLY didn’t think of that!! now i am really dying ;o)

        1. If I lived in SF, I would totally snatch up that adorable tabby who looks like he’s smiling. Kitten love!

        1. I actually started watching the first episode of Buffy with them last night, showing each of them who they are named after. But I might have to rewatch the kitten poker episode because obviously.

    5. I just adopted a kitten from a shelter who had been in foster care, and first let me say, Zora, thank you for doing it! My kitten is so well-trained at two months, it’s amazing, and I attribute it all to her fosters.

      That said, the other kittens at the shelter? Two named grey and white kittens named Phoebe and Rachel (I wondered where Monica went) and two orange and black kittens named Ash and Cinder.

      Those made me crack up.

      1. Heh. My laywer roommate and I have been fostering kittens several times, and started naming them after Supreme Court cases. We’ve had Lawrence and Texas, Marbury and Madison, and Loving and Virginia.

      1. omg, i could TOTALLY be Joss. Well, im not a genius, but i am kind of awkward, nerdy and weird ;o)
        Grr-Argh ;o)

  11. Hive, I want to say a great big THANK YOU for all of your responses. I’ve checked to make sure the $2400 went where husband said it went, and the $2400 was spent on the mortgage. I can see that it was paid immediately after. He may have more to say, but we shall see tonight.

    He runs a small business, and is really horrible about over committing on projects. He will take on a project, get the deposit, maybe staff up too much and have to spend money that should have been for materials on payroll, and then have to dip into his own paycheck to cover it. He’s really bad about that, and we have a part time book keeper, but that’s not enough, clearly. He is always overly optimistic about which accounts he has coming in, and which clients are going to pay when. When he has a client go past 45 days…its a problem.

    It isn’t substance abuse. I know, I know, everyone thinks they know that – but I grew up in a household where substance abuse was completely rampant, so I really would know. Not to mention the fact that he just did a blood test for his life insurance and I saw the results, which was negative for all substances.

    Meara, you’re very right about his possibly taking out credit I don’t know which could really be a problem. This happened right before we were married. I was home and he was served with a collection action. He swore it was his one mistake from being young and dumb, but my gut told me “WHOA, you are married to a lawyer, you know better….and why didn’t you ask me for help?” So you are all right. This is a symptom of something else…not substance abuse, not gambling…but something.

    Power struggle? Not liking that I work full time? Feeling that he should be in control, even though he is organizationally challenged? We’ve got some drama going on with the in-laws, maybe that’s it. I have no idea. It is certainly something going on in his brain that doesn’t add up.

    I have some semblance of a plan in my head, but it is going to require accounts without his name on them, at least for a while. I don’t mind being the gatekeeper if I can be assured no one is going to come over the wall and raid and burn and pillage my keep with their extra key.

    1. Affair?

      Also from what I gather, you gave him access to your account, but he still had exclusive access to his? I think you should insist on having exclusive access to both accounts. And I liked your thought of telling him to find somewhere else to sleep for a few nights. He stole from you! You get to be hella pissed off and not ready to forgive for a least a few days. Quit bending over backwards on trying to get him to communicate.

      2. I don’t think being angry and refusing to forgive him for days is helpful at all. When there is a serious, potentially sensitive issue that needs to be addressed, ratcheting up the hurt and drama doesn’t move things forward. What they need is a real, probably sad conversation to strengthen their partnership.

        They need to sit down face to face in private. She needs to say, “I lose my trust in you when you do X. We have to trust each other to make this work. Why did you do that? How do we fix this?” Not “get out of my house you thief I get to be mad at you now.”

        Really, no one in a real relationship should think “Now I ‘get to be’ angry!”

        1. That’s a very good point. My sister is a therapist and one of her favorite sayings is “either you can be right, I can be right or we can both be happy.” You have every right to be angry, but how you choose to express it can either be constructive or destructive to your relationship.

      3. All good points. I have “viewing” access to his – I have all of the passwords and can look at it all I want, and the same with the business accounts. I don’t really want my name on anything more than what I’ve got, so he can keep that portion of it. I just looked, and nothing looks amiss, and by amiss I mean gambling, spending inappropriately, cash withdrawals – it looks like it all went out to vendors (which I know, wholesalers I’m familiar with, etc.) It looks like it is really just horrifying lack of cash management.

        Affair? That would be tough. I can’t think of anything that would tip me off to that. No losing interest in LGPs, no unaccounted for time slots, I’ve never not been able to get a hold of him over the phone / text. All the phone accounts are in my name, and I haven’t seen any unfamiliar phone calls / texts (I have to check because other family members are on there, and they’re young and have to have an eye kept on them to prevent giant extra charges, not because I’m checking on my husband).

        I think I need to let myself be mad for a few days and stop bending over backwards to make it work, while at the same time doing what Olivia / Veronique said – find a way to be constructive about it. Which will likely be “hi, you will hand over all money issues to me, and there is nothing else you can say about it.” Then find another area I can give him to be responsible in and see how that goes.

    2. Just in case you didn’t see it, I’d try to figure out what he originally spent $2400 on since he made the last mortgage payment that resulted in him being that short. Was it just business cash flow issues? Definitely try to talk to him about it more tonight or once you’ve calmed down if you’re still really upset. And try to address the big picture scenario as well including your trust concerns instead of just focusing on this incident.

    4. Or maybe his own personal mental health issues, because depression and/or anxiety can manifest themselves in many ways that are often perceived as “laziness” or “irresponsibility” by those who don’t understand.

      That doesn’t excuse it, but I’m just saying to be careful with assigning motivations/thought processes and approach him without fury but with worry and kindness.

  12. My city was declared to be under a “state of emergency” for flooding earlier today. My neighbourhood hasn’t been affected yet, but it might be as I live a block away from the river. I’ve never seen the river this high, it’s odd. It sort of looks like when you overfill a bowl of soup, and the slightest nudge will pour it all over the edge.

    What should I pack in an emergency bag?

    I’ve never been in this situation before. Snow/excessive cold/blackouts/hail, I can handle, they rarely require me to leave my home, but flooding….might kick me out.

    1. If you have to leave quickly: Flashlights, extra batteries, non perishable food (ones high in calories and protein especially), changes of clothes – sneakers you can walk in, medication/toiletries, water/water bottles (keep them in your car, if you plan on evacuating that way if need be). Cell phone/electronics chargers. Get cash and copies of vital documents if you have a chance.

      If you have more time: I’d pack a blanket/pillow, just for comforts sake (both in a literal, physical sense and in a emotional, “something that’s familiar” sense) – those cots set up never look very comfortable. I’d also pack something to entertain myself, a book/magazine/etc, as well as my valuable jewelry (but really that’s only half a dozen small pieces) and macbook.

      Don’t forgot things for any pets you have! Please, stay safe and follow rescue workers instructions.

    2. Don’t forget you can keep stuff in the dishwasher if you can’t take it with you. Keeps water in, but also keeps water out. Photos and important-but-not-critical paperwork are good things to stick in there (ie things you can get copies of if you had to, but it’d be a PITA).

      Pack a power strip–that way you’ll always be able to find an outlet. Fill the tank of your car with gas, unplug any electrics and tuck the cords up high, don’t forget the chargers for your phone, laptop, etc. and bring a car charger. Get cash. If you’re going to be at a shelter, think about how you’ll keep your valuables close to you.

      Don’t forget pet-related items (especially proof of rabies vaccines).

      1. Take things upstairs if you have time. If your lower floor is just soaked and the whole house isn’t washed away, stuff upstairs should be relatively salvagable.

  13. I recently applied for a job in a different city and the internal recruiter called me out of the blue. As part of our initial conversation, he asked me what salary range I was looking for. I told him $100-130k, because I’m currently looking at other jobs within that range. However with the cost of living difference, I would need to make at least 103k to match my current salary! The other jobs for which I’m currently interviewing pay $110-130 and are in locations with a lower COL than this job (at or higher than my current location). As a result, I’d prefer at least $115k and wouldn’t take anything less than $110.

    I have a phone interview tomorrow. Should I address it then? Wait until I get an offer and use the COL to negotiate within the range that I already gave? What exactly should I say?

    2. I wouldn’t mention it tomorrow unless the interviewer brings it up – you’ve already provided a range, a broad one, at that, and your requirement is well within that range, so why bring it up? If they make an offer, negotiate then, but don’t give them a reason to rule you out/have any negative thoughts about you before you’ve convinced them that you’re the one. Once you have an offer, you should absolutely counter, whether their offer is at the lower or upper end of your range – employers don’t generally make their last best offer in the first round of talks, so if they offer $130k, they’re almost certainly prepared to pay more.

  14. $800 for shoes that won’t hold up to walking outside? They are pretty, but this is one of the most ridiculous items I’ve seen in a long time.

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