Coffee Break: Voyage Mary Jane Pump

96 Comments

1. I am not getting the crocheted crop top and ripped wide mom jeans as a look in February (sometimes with a jacket, but if worn, it must be unzipped). I get it in October.

   When will the Preppy Handbook 80s look be back? Because I am all about an apres ski look in winter.

   1. Move to New England, the Preppy Handbook look is VERY alive and well here. Which, frankly, I appreciate as it makes my wardbrobe choices easier ;)

   2. I commented on an IG influencer I used to follow (and like!), who was wearing a crop top under a cardigan in VT recently while it was snowing. I said I wish this look were a bit more realistic for the weather, and I got tons of hate and ended up blocking her. I stand by what I said…the look was for IG and not for real life. I’m the northeast. People also look ridiculous wearing ripped jeans with big holes when it’s snowing outside.

2. Any specific resort/hotel recommendations for a solo 3 or 4 day trip in Florida?

   Realizing Im a maximizer, and I make vacay decisions easier if I have at least a hotel recommendation to start from!

   Id like to be able to fly in, uber to a hotel and spend a few days migrating from beach to room and back. Really just want to show up with a book and plenty of suncreen, eat and drink some nice to decent quality meals. Ideally be able to not worry about anything beyond a small carry-on, long weekend kind of getaway.

   On recommemdations here, I’m doing a solo trip to Monterey in the spring, 3 days + 2 travel days.

   1. We loved 1 Hotel South Beach. Not sure if this is still active, since it was years ago now that we went, but we got a $75 daily breakfast credit at their on-site restaurant through our VISA signature card. The restaurant is pricey but it was still enough for a nice breakfast for two. We also got a room upgrade and a late checkout through the credit card. No other hotel has ever given us so many perks.

   2. I feel like any place from Miami Beach to South Beach. Hotel budget is what it is but it’s easy to get to better restaurants than your hotel if you can’t stay at the Setai or Fontainbleau or similar. Even a bad hotel is close to good places to spend your time.

   3. Do you want beach or are you ok with just a pool? And what’s your budget?
      The W’s are a bit of a scene but reliably nice rooms. If you’re ok with $$$$ and want a fantastic spa I’d go with the Mandarin (no real beach but super peaceful pool and the key is lovely and calm) or the Faena (beach, killer hammam spa, and more in the middle of things). The Four Seasons in the Financial District is great but only has a pool – fantastic walkable location though. For pure relaxation I’d probably go with the Ritz Key Biscayne – very quiet and relaxing but close enough to taxi in to go anywhere you wanted to. The spa (imho) is only a B or B+ vs. others in the area if that’s a deal breaker to you.

   4. The Breakers in Palm Beach. Awesome pools. Walkable beach. Staff that knows how to take care of you. If you are inclined, there are parks, museum, and cute downtown.

      1. +1

         The beach used to be cut off by… the literal breakers… but they did some beach reconstruction and you can now go for long walks way more easily. FWIW though the sargassum was bad last summer so the water was not the greatest… but with such amazing pools right on the beach it’s not as big a deal.

   5. Biltmore Miami?I had the nicest spa experience of my life there.

3. Oh man, those Steve Madden sandals. I can still hear the fsh CLOMP fsh CLOMP as they shuffle en masse down the industrial carpeted hallways.

   1. i had them and so did my mom, though i honestly don’t think she wore them to work and i definitely didnt wear them to school. they were SO loud

4. I feel like I must have blocked this part of the ’90s from my memory. But why would anyone want to revisit? These shoes are so awful.

   1. these remind me of the shoes I wore to middle school dances in the mid 90’s. I can still feel the blisters the ankle straps and blisters gave me – the block heels were too heavy to be well-supported by a flimsy strap, so they were CONSTANTLY rubbing.

   2. I looooove these shoes. The heel is green! I have no place to wear them in my new WFH life but I covet them.

      1. I love them too!

   3. I love them also!

   4. They are a horror show. Pass.

5. Any neighborhood/hotel recs for a solo traveler in San Francisco? I’m going to a wedding north of the city in June and want to do a night or two in SF while I’m there – I’ve been before but not for 5+ years and I’ve always stayed with the friend getting married, so I’ll need to be my own tour guide this time.

   1. I’d avoid downtown, Union square right now, but some ideas are Fairmont or Mark Hopkins on Nob Hill for fancy, Laurel Inn in Presidio Heights for a charming neighborhood, I think there is a hotel in the Presidio too, and Stanyan Park Hotel for another cute neighborhood spot closer to the Haight. I love the Palihouse a hotels and there is one by the Sutter Stockton, you could stay that and walk to Chinatown/Northbeach and it wouldn’t be too bad.

      1. +100. I would also avoid downtown/union square. It is so empty still it is just kind of depressing. It would be great if it is coming back by June, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. A lot of the neighborhoods where people live though are good, so it’s still worth stopping by the city in general. Would also recommend the Mark Hopkins/Fairmont as a solution. I’m less familiar with the smaller recs above (just to I say I have nothing negative to say about them).

      2. +1 to Fairmont. My usual for solo trips for work to SF and have always felt super safe using that as a base for travelling by myself. It’s a good location with most of the check your SF to do list off within walking distance. Plus, trader joes is only a couple blocks away if you want to get a bottle of wine and just chill on the patio.

6. I love Chie Mihara shoes. If they weren’t ~$400 a pop, I’d have a whole wardrobe of them. I’ve had three pairs of them over the years and they are amazingly comfortable, and the right mix of cute and edgy/ugly for my taste. Also, I’ve been looking for chunky heeled loafers since before the pandemic. I’ll have to find a lower heel than the linked pair, but I’m all in.

   1. Try these for a chunky, heeled loafer that isn’t quite as high: https://www.paulgreenshoes.com/collections/sale/products/janice-lug-loafer-black-brushed-leather?variant=39384135073875
      I own and love. These are also available in a brown/oxblood color.

      1. Thank you!!

7. Smart, structured ladies.

   I have realized that I don’t like doing anything before work/getting kids ready. This is what my schedule looks like now with WFH. Any suggestions on how to better streamline? After 2 years not having the professional focus I have wanted for work, I am trying to take it up a notch professionally.

   DH is soon-to-be partner in BigLaw and both kids are <5. We do have local family that helps often and a good babysitter on retainer, but this is more about the day-to-day management of myself.

   6:30-8:15 AM – Wake up, get ready, kids breakfast, get kids out door to preschool/daycare (DH drops off), make my coffee (pour-over)
   8:30-9:15 AM – Drink Coffee and Read Things (I need this time to "wake up")
   9:15-5:00 PM – Work with big breaks for exercise (shower post-workout if needed for zoom) and lunch
   5:00-7:30 PM – pick up kids, dinner, bath, clean-up
   7:30-9:30 PM – Finish work (usually) and/or life admin (bills, cooking/prep, etc. – this falls to the wayside and ends up happening in spurts during the workday)
   9:30-10:30 PM – Shower, get in bed, read and/or TV
   11 PM – Lights out

   1. I’m not a mom, so take this with a grain of salt, but I think basically the only things you could do here are to drop the “drink coffee and read things,” “big breaks for exercise,” and “read and/or TV” portions of your day. Basically the fun stuff. I am also a person who needs a little coffee and read things time in the morning, so I can sympathize. I am sometimes able to force myself to work out in the morning, so you could try that, but I find it never becomes a habit for me.

      1. That’s so logical, but don’t you feel exercise net net gives you energy to get through the day, and a sharper mental focus? Genuine question.

         Maybe switch reading to audiobooks, and listen while exercising?

   2. 6AM – 7AM: Drink coffee and read things time. If my kids are awake, they watch cartoons.
      7AM-7:30: Wild flurry of eat breakfast, get kids ready and out the door. It’s chaotic and loud, so I time box it because the kids will let it drag out as long as I will let it. My husband and I are both on deck to hurry three kids through the process. Sometimes breakfast has to be handheld and consumed in the car if things run long.
      7:30-8:30: School/Daycare drop off and three minute “get ready” routine.
      8:30-3PM: Work
      3:00-3:45: Elementary school pickup
      4:00-6:00: More work mixed with dinner prep & life
      6:00-6:30: Daycare pickup
      6:30-9: Dinner, playtime, bedtime, prep for tomorrow.
      9-11: Tidy up, Shower, hang out with husband, read, whatever. Work if I necessary.

      The key to making the schedule work is my husband and I are all hands on deck all the time. Sometimes one of us does drop offs/pick ups, some times we split them up to be more efficient, sometimes we both go and sneak in a coffee run, that sort of thing. When work/life gets in the way for my husband or I, the other uses the opportunity to press the easy button, be it takeout, simple bedtime routine, whatever. My husband usually makes time to go on a run during the day and a daily workout just isn’t my season of life right now.

   3. What kind of job do you have???? I am in meetings starting at 8, half the time 7:30 (shudder) and working non stop till 5:30. Need to switch to your field.

      1. Oh, I definitely have those days (starting at 8, nothing earlier though). Right now I finally have some time after a period of survival to come up for air so trying to be more mindful.

   4. This sounds pretty good to me. I have one preschooler and my ideal schedule is:
      wake between 7 and 8 am, help husband get kid ready for school and out the door
      work from 8-4, taking a 1 hour break to go on a walk
      4 pm-7 pm: kid pickup and dinner/bedtime routine
      7-8 pm: read while kid reads alone
      8 pm: kid lights out, read or watch TV, lights out at 10-11 pm

      In reality, I usually stay up way too late doomscrolling, often crawl back in bed after my husband and kid leave, then feel like I’m too behind in work to take the walk and end up too braindead in the evenings to do anything but watch stupid TV shows I’ve seen a million times.

   5. Not sure if you’re looking for this but between working out, showering, lunch and finishing bills, you don’t have many hours for productivity between 9 and 5. It sounds like you are not a morning person. Are your boss/colleagues ok with you doing a portion of your work after normal 8-5 hours? Does it stress you out to work after dinner? Or are you more productive then because there are less interruptions? And with the lunch, workout and shower during the workday, are you getting enough uninterrupted time in those remaining chunks? Are you late with deliverables?

      When I had young kids and did the morning routine, I would get up at 6 and be finished with my 45-minute commute to the office before 8:30. It was a rush. But if you don’t want to get up early, need that buffer time and are ok with structure as it is, I’d just try to be as productive as possible between 9 and 5 and then use time after dinner to make sure all your projects are complete for work. This might mean doing more household tasks on weekends.

      But if your colleagues are signaling that you need to up your game, I’d consider getting up earlier and doing either the workout or the coffee before the kids wake and then starting work at 8:15-8:30 instead of 9:15. Or use the coffee time to answer work emails and create your to-do list instead of reading for fun.

      1. TY! I think this is what I wanted to hear…I haven’t gotten any signals from coworkers, but I want to up my game. I think it’s about starting workday at 8:15, with the goal of getting to my desk before then if possible to do coffee and reading. The 8:15 mark is easy when DH is doing dropoff, but if he’s on work travel it’s doable but harder – I think those are the times I’ll need to wake up earlier.

         Evenings are just quiet – good time for me to work on decks and anything that needs thinking.

         1. Plus once you’re done with the 8:15 login and email triage there’s time for coffee/headlines leisurely start. Just get those few emails off to prove you’re on the ball and then proceed as normal.

   6. I went through a similar reboot recently (before being plunged back into consecutive quarantines, but you can’t win ‘em all!).

      Is your day based on what actually happens, or what you think happens? If the latter, it might be fruitful to record your activities for a sample week and see where your time actually is spent. Then you can see where there might be inefficiencies, opportunities to delegate/outsource, productive/unproductive times of day, etc.

      Good luck and would love to hear how it goes.

8. Is there any way to reduce/improve germophobia without therapy? I realize it won’t go away fully without therapy but DH is opposed to that which is a bit cultural. He always was germophobic and it’s gotten worse over the years – IDK if it’s the pandemic but I’m sure it hasn’t helped. Examples – can’t just wash hands once; instead it’s more like 2-3 times.

   The handwashing – whatever. It’s more “bothersome” when the rest of us have to wait on him. Example – headed on a road trip yesterday to my parents. We load the car and he goes back upstairs to our apartment, which we had agreed he’d do the final locking of doors/windows etc. so I figured he’s checking the stove etc. But as I’m sitting in the garage for a long time I wonder what’s going on and then he comes back wearing different clothes; I ask what’s up – oh I changed my pants because I carried the duffel bags down to the car against my body and you know they were dusty (I’m sure they were – we don’t use them all the time but it wasn’t like visible dirt) so I don’t want that on me as I sit in the car for 3 hours and then sit on your parents’ couch with those pants. Uh – it would be invisible dust on the thigh of your pants?? This morning at my parents – happens to put his feet on the ground no socks (NEVER is without socks or slippers so IDK what happened) and you can tell it threw off his morning because OMG GERMS (I mean maybe – it’s carpet in an older house it prob does gather dust but it was less than 5 seconds on the bottom of your foot).

   We don’t have kids and IDK how that’ll work. I mean a kid will go put their mouth right on the floor, duffel bag or thigh of your jeans or stick their foot right in their mouth. Is he just going to freak out 24-7?

   1. I’m not sure if his specific issue would require therapy for him to deal with (or if it negatively affects his life or is only annoying to others). But, if you’ve talked to him about therapy and he refuses, you can’t force him to do it or to change.

      This does sound very annoying, so I’m not minimizing, but it will drive you insane trying to instigate change. My boyfriend has some compulsions that I hate, and I’ve talked to him, encouraged therapy, and given him books. None of it has affected his behavior. The most productive thing was to get therapy for myself to learn communication strategies and to help myself determine what I can deal with and what is a boundary for me.

   2. Other than therapy I don’t know what to recommend but I can relate. My DH’s isn’t this bad, but he is certainly a germaphobe and won’t fully admit it. He washes his hands in what I consider to be brutally hot water, turns on a dime and goes the other way if someone sneezes in public leaving me in his dust, stores his toothbrush in our closet! (bc bathroom germs), opens door handles with his sleeve, etc. I am the total opposite. I will follow the 5 second rule with food on the floor, eat tortilla chips placed in front of me at Mexican restaurants without washing my filthy paws, will try clothes on in a thrift store, and my phone is probably breeding the next vid. Interestingly, he doesn’t seem to have issue with our dog (except when she sneezes, he runs) but overall he cares for the dog equally and isn’t grossed out so I have hope for future kids. (He will even clean up accidents, cleans up the yard of waste, etc.). Honestly, I think he is one person who doesn’t want masks to go away – and he has found all sorts of uses for them around the house. He wears one picking up the dog waste, he wears one dealing with a garbage disposal issue, etc. Are they doing anything? I am guessing no but to each their own.

   3. No advice, but you’re absolutely accurate about the kid thing. My husband and I don’t have kids, and don’t keep the *tidiest* home. Our friends came over with their 2-year-old and at one point in the evening he was facedown licking our carpet. He then got up, stuck his tongue out and pointed to the wad of dog hair stuck to his tongue asking “what dis?” And promptly wiped it on our friends pants. It was hilarious. We promptly vacuumed the whole house the next day ?

   4. Don’t have kids with him unless he gets therapy.

      1. This x 1000. Life and marriage can be tough, and it’s so important to have and be a partner who can work through issues as they come up. This would be a huge red flag. Definitely try a dog first, or perhaps a plant.

   5. This sounds to me like a significant form of anxiety disorder and OCD just taking the form of germaphobia. I am not a medical professional but I was, for far too long, in a relationship with a person who had exactly this, but much more severe than your husband’s. His condition was nonexistent in his 20s and very mild in his 30s, but it went untreated for many years and by the time he was 60+, when I met him, even though he was in treatment and on meds it was really intractable. He had worse periods and better periods, but he would do exactly the same thing you describe if his clothes came into contact with anything. He would get snappish and distressed if I crossed my legs sitting at a restaurant table and my shoe brushed his pant leg. He actually would throw things out sometimes (including brand new $80 Eddie Bauer slippers that had touched something) if he considered them irredeemably “befouled.”

      Travel, especially by air (we only did that once because his anxiety meant I couldn’t relax) was incredibly difficult. When an elderly woman with bad teeth – who must therefore be dirty – touched his arm in an elevator while we were visting Chicago, he had a meltdown on the street. (He at least didn’t throw away the jacket he was wearing, but it stayed in a trash bag in the trunk of the car for the rest of the trip.) That started a spiral, and we spent a good part of that evening figuring out how he could take off his pants without them touching the floor of our very nice hotel room.

      Your mention that your husband never allows his feet to touch the floor also is familiar – that is exactly how my ex was, it took a lot of careful arranging of shoes and slippers and flip-flops to accomplish this. And if he need to put on or take off shoes that were not easy slip-ons, he would wear nitrile gloves to touch the shoes.

      This man has a genius-level IQ and understood that none of this was rational, but it didn’t make any difference – he used to tell me “there’s no logic in crazy.” He also knew on an intellectual level that the germaphobia and hyper-cleanliness related to anxiety and that exerting this level of vigilance over eveything he touched allowed him to feel that he had some control in his life. We broke up solely because his OCD behavior, combined with all the other forms his anxiety would take, was just too much for me to deal with, It wasn’t just annoying, it was exhausting and painful.

      I don’t meant to say that this is your husband or that he will become this way. But he needs to get help, truly, before it gets worse. There are psychologists who specialize in OCD. (In fact, after we broke up my ex finally found one who focused on that aspect of his condition, when previously he had had only meds and talk therapy, and he told me it had helped a lot. Of course, that was before the pandemic; I am sure he has been a wreck for the last two years.) And some anti-anxiety meds also can help, I believe. But this will not get better on its own.

      Sending you all the hugs and support.

   6. Just chiming in to say that this isn’t just being a “germophobe,” this is OCD. Which tends to get worse as time goes on and it goes unaddressed. It can be addressed with therapy and sometimes medication, but the person has to be willing to engage in those things. A friend of mine married a man whose behaviors were not that significant, noticeable, or bothersome when they first got together, but have become so over time, to the point that their lives are limited. His OCD is more related to safety – it’s difficult for them to even go grocery shopping together because the minute they pull away from the house he worries whether he left the stove on, if there’s a window unlocked, if he left laundry in the washer, etc. No matter how many times he checks. At this point my friend has made a checklist for them to help them get out the door and it really still doesn’t help. He’s in therapy but the therapist told my friend to expect it will take a good long while to see results. Your husband’s behaviors still sound manageable, so now is a good time to insist on therapy and insist he sticks with it.

9. I have an obese 10 year old – he’s a stress eater so it’s gotten out of hand during the pandemic. I’m trying to keep candy and chips out of the house, encourage healthy habits (savoring food, eating in balance, moving body, drinking water, not eating if not hungry, etc), and wait for a growth spurt… but I feel like I failed as a parent every time I see his triple chin or hear him huffing and puffing up stairs. Any tips or resources?

   1. I’m not a huge expert, but please, please keep your own feelings about failure out of your conversations with your kid.

   2. We go on hikes with our dog b/c it is good for the dog. It is also good for us, but we focus on the dog. Moving is helpful to our mental health, as is being outside and unplugged. Would you like to borrow a dog?

      1. Better yet, if you don’t have a dog, see if any of the local animal shelters need volunteers to walk their dogs.

   3. Talk to your ped and ask for a referral to a dietician and/or physical therapist
      Make sure your ped has done a full physical workup and there isn’t an underlying issue like thyroid
      Stop focusing on the triple chin and focus on the huffing and puffing to get up the stairs. When you talk to your child, frame all the conversations around health, not looks. Being overweight isn’t inherently a problem, but the fact that he’s not physically fit is.
      Add exercise – formal classes or occupational therapy if necessary.
      With respect to diet, focus on adding healthy foods and water, not on restricting calories.

   4. As a former chubby kid, let me assure you that disappointed sighs, small comments, hyperfocus on what the kid is eating, and buying smaller clothes for the kid as “motivation” are not the way to go. Not saying that’s what you’re doing – that’s what my parents did with me, and I ended up with an eating disorder in high school that I had to go to inpatient rehab to treat. I was very aware of how I looked, my peers would not let me forget it. Feeling that my parents thought I was a worthless disappointment just drove me to eat more and then eventually lead to exercise bulimia, and then binging and purging. Because I felt like I had to do something to make myself less repulsive to my own parents, and that was all that worked. I eventually figured out how to eat well and get enough exercise and my weight stabilized at a healthy number, but going through the eating disorder (and the subsequent treatment) wasn’t a great experience.

      At 10, your son still has vertical growth coming (maybe a lot, depending on genetics) and that may even some things out. If he can get interested in a sport or some kind of activity, that can go a long way. Providing healthy food options is great as long as it doesn’t become an obsessive focus on keeping him away from “bad foods” (which will backfire in a big way). I can assure you, he knows what he looks like. He knows it’s hard to climb stairs. The more (even silent) judgement you have for him, the less love he will have for himself, and that will lead not just to overeating but to all kinds of problem behavior. Understand that people are different, and accept that you have done what you can do to enable healthy eating. And then forget about your son’s weight. Love him for who he is; accept him as he is. Trust that over time he will internalize messages about eating and exercise and pursue his own path to being healthy. That may not equate to him being as thin as you would like him to be.

      1. Amen to all of this!

         My mom put me on my first diet when I was nine and I still remember that conversation as a bright line in my life between being an okay person and not being an okay person. Gah. One of the things I am proudest of in my own experience as a parent was keeping my dang mouth shut when my son got chubby, having healthy food available, going to karate class with him, and waiting for the vertical growth spurts.

         Your son may well end up heavier than you’d like but sad to say the only thing about that you have a bit of control over is how much he hates himself in the process.

   5. IDK for kids I feel like sports/activity matters more than food esp if they aren’t eating candy and drinking soda all day which it sounds like he isn’t. Is there any sport he likes or activity he’ll do? If yes, let him do that and require it daily; if not, you pick for him and he must do that activity as if it’s homework. I know YMMV but I’d force it – like it doesn’t matter if he wants to or not, he’s not done his “homework” for the night until he has done x – whether that’s play basketball for an hour or walk 1.5 miles or whatever. I know people will say that’s awful/body shaming etc. but reality is these things are REALLY easy to handle with kids and get harder as you get older as the body changes AND we know that health problems like cholesterol etc. can begin in childhood which may not manifest as issues until 30-40s so I’d do whatever I could to control this now whether it’s “mean” or not, same way you make a kid do homework and other things whether they like it or not because it’s good for them long term.

      1. Please consult with a pediatrician or child psychologist before taking this route. “My parents are making me do basketball drills for an hour bc my body is unacceptable to them” doesn’t feel like a great way to foster a relationship.

         There are much more loving and supportive ways to encourage healthy habits. I don’t have kids so no other idea, but I do know this isn’t the way unless it’s specifically advised by someone with some developmental training.

         Signed,
         Still paying therapy bills after being raised in an invalidating environment by parents with these exact tactics

      2. OMG this is a recipe for a kid to hate himself and you for the rest of his life.

         Please don’t do this.

      3. As a parent of an obese child, and as someone who has struggled with weight my whole life (and is now a “healthy” weight and BMI), I can tell you that focusing on weight loss is the wrong thing to do. It feels horrible to the person receiving the attention, and studies show it backfires. Just continue to parent well and his body is going to be his body.

         Please do more research before offering this type of advice. It’s really bad.

      4. This sounds like a way to make him hate physical exercise. I definitely think try to make it part of your family routine as much as possible. A family walk, physical family game, etc. to make it fun and not single him out.

      5. I think it matters in how you frame it; we were never “allowed” to have a day where we didn’t go outside and play and have active time, but it rarely felt forced and never felt punitive. It was just what we did.

         On a rare day we were being couch potatoes my mom definitely forced us outside. If we couldn’t come up with something, she’d definitely “assign” us something

      6. We had a pull up bar in the kitchen and the expectation was just when we walked by it we’d do 5 pull-ups. Every night after we cleared the table after dinner we’d all have to go do 10

         1. I hope you’re joking.

      7. This is some of the worst advice I have ever seen on here. If you do this, make sure you set aside a monthly allotment to pay for the lifetime of therapy this will require.

      8. Please stop giving advice. This is horrible.

   6. My parents for all their many faults really instilled a healthy relationship with food in me. Food to my parents was nutrition, not a reward. All our dinners were very vegetable heavy the typical rotation had veggie stir fry, veggie fajitas, lots of soups/stews, roasted veggie pasta, etc. Basically if my mom could put veggies in it, she did. I didn’t think this was weird until middle school and I realized none of my peers ate vegetables. Dessert was only for special occasions like birthdays or holidays. If it was a random Tuesday there wasn’t dessert after dinner. If we were hungry at night there was always fruits, veggies and hummus, whole grain cereal etc.

      1. +1

         We had family dinner every night with a meat, a grain, 2 veggies and a glass of milk and we all had to at least try everything.

         Dessert was for special occasions, otherwise we’d have fruit for dessert.

         As a result my siblings and I have always loved a wide variety of fruit and veggies! I truly don’t even remember a phase of not liking them.

   7. Do you guys do active things together as a family? Play tag outside, ride bikes, go for a walk, etc? I would include yourself – don’t make it exercise, they’re family bonding activities. I’m not sure if my kids like going for hikes but mom and dad do, so there we are.

   8. Hugs from the mother of an obese 9 year old. I totally get what you are feeling and feel a version of that myself – I love my son exactly how he is, but also feel like I am failing him in some way because society tells me that it must be my fault as a parent. It will be my fault if he feels bad about his body, so good luck not fucking this up!

      As far as I can tell, my son is happy with his body right now, and it doesn’t really stand in the way of him doing anything he wants to do (e.g, play video games, a bit of kickball and tag, daily life). I also feel like what weight management is, in general, still really poorly understood by doctors, and the link between weight and negative health outcomes is also less clear cut than often presented. So my first goal is to do no harm – e.g., don’t mess up my son’s healthy body image.

      I recently had a long talk about this with his pediatrician, and she was actually really reassuring – he’s been about the same place on his growth chart since he was 7, and the pre-adolescent growth spurt may cause him to slim down if we can get him in the habit of being active. She suggested we try getting him a pedometer and challenging him to get in more steps and creating rewards for that. Her idea was that we would each set goals for ourselves, but we’re not really doing that (I’m training for a half marathon and already talk about that). Anyway, we got him a kids Fitbit, and shockingly, he latched on to it right away. He set a goal of 75K steps the first week and that has escalated to 90K, which is about the limit of what we can support since he can’t really be active without adult supervision (we’re in NYC). We now take a walk almost every night after dinner, and do more walking than we used to on the weekend, to help him get to his goal. He’s really taken a lot of responsibility for managing it. We also started focusing on making sure he’s eating 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day after his last physical. Beyond this, I’m trying to just be grateful that he’s happy and healthy and not worry too much about the future.

      Note to those about to attack me for promoting diet culture via Fitbit – the kids one doesn’t tell him how many calories he’s burning or anything like that. It is just tracking “steps” (wildly inaccurately as far as I can tell but the point was just to get him moving more than he was before, which it is doing), and a Minion dances up and down and it vibrates when he hits his daily goal. The app is installed on my husband’s phone; son doesn’t interact with it.

      TL;DR, see if your son is inspired to be more active with a Fitbit or pedometer, and focus on the fact that you do not, in fact, really have much control over his weight or body type. When you start worrying about everything that is “wrong,” take the time to also list everything that is going right for him.

      1. The fact that you did this in response to a conversation with your child’s doctor and that it sounds like kid is having fun with it are the differences between this and the approach of just forcing them to do sports drills for an hour a night above.

         I loved data and meeting little goals so I think I would have enjoyed something like this as a kid as long as it was presented in a fun way instead of being punitive for being overweight.

   9. Not a parent but some things I remember from my own childhood that may be helpful:

      – I remember having a realization in high school that my parents and aunts and uncles never went to the gym or dieted, but they had active/healthy lifestyles. This was a stark contrast to the diet/exercise culture elsewhere and I remember thinking it was cool that my relatives just had a healthy lifestyle without trying too hard. Things they did: mom took walk around the neighborhood after dinner (in nice weather), had active hobbies (hiking, biking, sailing, tennis, basketball league, surfing, golf, swimming), spent a lot of time outside (hobbies, yard work, just sitting on the patio), walked places instead of driving when feasible, had a dog to take on walks, etc. It modeled to me how to have a healthy and balanced lifestyle without fixation on exercise/diet. Making healthy choices and staying active just seemed second nature to all of the adults i knew, so picked up on it too.
      – home cooked family dinner every night. Everyone ate the same thing, so we were exposed to a lot of different choices. My parents formula was meat/protein + grain + vegetable + salad and as kids were drank milk every night. We never outright discussed the meal but with a veg and a salad, that easily makes 1/2 your plate veggies, which is often recommended. We ate at the dining room table, so no mindless eating in front of the tv. My parents both worked full time so I don’t know how they did it, but they did.
      – played outside every day, year round. In winter, we went sledding. In summer we played with the hose. We played on our scooters and swing set and played sports and played tag and shot hoops. Sometimes with neighborhood kids, sometimes just us, etc. But after homework /before dinner time was always playing outside
      – we played sports every season. My parents were very anti club sports so we’d do leagues that had a 1 hour practice one day a week after school and a 1 hour game on weekends, so a minor time commitment, but it instilled a love of sports in us (both ended up college athletes)
      – no tv until after dark / after dinner and very, very little video games. When we did have video games, my parents encouraged “active” ones like the Wii.
      – our go-to snack and dessert was fruit. We also had things like pretzels, goldfish, granola bars but sweets, chips, soda, etc were all treats and not things we had regularly.

      Obviously what worked for my parents doesn’t work for everyone, and I hope nothing i posted above comes across as being judgmental of your parenting – not my intent at all :)

      Other things that come to mind:
      – I think a dietician would be helpful in this situation. I assume you’re also working with your ped on this , but if not loop them in. A therapist might help as well with the emotional side of eating.
      – focus on an overall healthy lifestyle, rather than diets and workouts. Model this with as many beloved adults as you can!
      – make it fun! There’s so many fun ways to be active, especially as a kid! Don’t make it feel punitive and 100% agree to be delicate with how you discuss this all with him
      – make these changes something the entire family does, so he doesn’t feel singled out.

   10. Luckily, he will likely have a growth spurt soon and will slim down, but it is a good idea to set up healthy habits now. My kids do not want to participate in organized sports, so that means they get to exercise with me. I jog and they either jog or ride their bikes. If it’s too cold, we do a workout video together (they do not like this, but we do it anyway.) They also like to play basketball and tennis as a family (not on a team lol) so we do that fairly often. We also force hiking because I like it and think they can benefit from the fresh air. We also allow one meal out a week, and otherwise we eat fairly healthy at home. Their one meal out is when they can drink soda or juice. Otherwise at home it’s only water. Also, you might try and work with him on better coping mechanisms for his stress if he is a stress eater. Doing some yoga, meditation, hitting a punching bag, journaling, coloring, and therapy all might help.

   11. Not to sound harsh, but how’s his quality of life? If he’s huffing and puffing walking up the stairs, how does he keep up with friends at recess?

       What does he do for fun after school/on weekends? I think the key is more movement, but make it fun. Growing up we were a very active family (family hikes, family backyard soccer games, etc); my parents didn’t focus on fitness for weight control but 1) as a fun hobby and 2) that we wanted strong / healthy bodies that could take care of us so we could do the fun things we loved.

       Nutrition was approached similarly; we are a ton of fruit because it was yummy. We ate balanced meals because it gave us energy to go do fun things like swim or play basketball.

       I’d frame all of this as 1) something we just do! It’s not a diet, it’s not exercise, it’s just doing fun things and eating yummy things and it’s just second nature to be healthy 2) something the whole family does 3) being active and eating right to take care of our body, not lose weight

       With that mindset, it will be a no brainer to play outside an hour every day, to eat balanced meals that are 25% protein 25% grain 50% fruit/veg

   12. Have you had his check up done? I think a lot depends on health indicators!

   13. So I’m the OP… I tried the Fitbit thing (got both him and dad one to compete against each other) and they both lost them within days.

       Because we’re covid cautious and he was unvaccinated until December we haven’t done indoor sports, play dates or get together in a long time. He did virtual school last year.

       Outside stuff is hard because he’s terrified of bees and accuses any flying insect of being a bee.

       I also tried ring fit but the game sucks.

       1. If he’s not allergic, maybe it’s time to make him some natural insect repellent? Bees don’t like vanilla, peppermint, etc. You can put your extract bottles to good use.

          1. +1

             I’d work on that bee phobia, because being a child and being afraid of going outdoors is a big problem.

       2. framing it very differently than the poster from above, but I think it’s fine/necessary for you to say go ahead and pick whatever you want, but you need to be active an hour/day. If he’s afraid of playing outside because of bees, that’s fine – maybe he’d want to do swim team or play basketball. If he’s not into organized sports, what about martial arts? My brother worked at a high-end gym when he was in college and they had childcare options. One of those options was pretty much a gym class (like at school) for kids where they’d play different active games and sports for an hour.

          You mention avoiding indoor sports/play dates until December and that last school year was virtual; what’s this school year been like? Has he been able to play/keep up at recess and gym class? Now that he’s vaccinated, has he shown interest in re-joining sports?

          Is there a way to help get him over his fear of bees/insistence that all flying insects are bees?

          What about more active games at home? If its family board game night, maybe you play a more active game instead? We didn’t watch much TV growing up, but when we did we’d do “competitions” during commercials: who can do the most sit ups during commercials? Who can run down to the basement and back up first?

       3. My teenage son gained about 20 lbs during remote learning, when they also had shut down sports practices. Once he got back into regular school and got back into his sport, he lost about 15 lbs – and then grew two inches, so the remaining 5 lbs aren’t a problem. Now that your son is vaccinated, if there are sports or physical activities he wants to do, that he’s excited to do, even if they’re indoors – let him do them. Better yet, explore those things as a family. Indoor basketball or volleyball, axe throwing, bowling, ropes/agility courses, indoor soccer, whatever – if it involves movement and you can make it fun, make it fun. Do not follow the cockamamie advice above to turn physical activity into “homework” and force the kid to do it; that’s a great way to ensure that he comes to see physical activity as a punishment.

       4. being so terrified of bees that he won’t spend any meaningful time outdoors feels like a separate (perhaps connected) problem that needs addressing, FYI!

          1. Yes, that was my immediate thought. It’s a pretty big deal for a 10 year old to be so scared of bees they won’t go outside. I would ask your pediatrician if your child should be evaluated by a developmental pediatrician or occupational therapist. My child is much younger and has different issues, but one thing that’s become apparent to me is that many general pediatricians aren’t proactive enough about figuring out when kids need extra help and tend to write off all but the most extreme behavior as “within normal range” or something a child will eventually grow out of. But developmental peds and OTs seem to be a lot better at recognizing that whether it will eventually be grown out of isn’t the real issue, it’s whether it’s impacting the child’s or parents’ quality of life right now that matters, and intervention is merited when behavior is having a significant QOL impact. In this case his unwillingness to go outside is having a direct negative impact on his health and quality of life, so I would think some kind of therapy might be useful.

       5. My son was overweight in middle school, obese in high school, and then in college, totally on his own, he lost 125 pounds. He is an engineer, and said that he was tired of being fat, and researched what to do, and did it. He used MyFitnessPal, wrote everything down, and counted calories. He is 6’1″, and is now model-handsome, albeit with lose skin around his middle. We had healthy dinners as he was growing up, my husband and I got chunky during the child rearing days, but we were and now are trim. His brother is skinny as a rail. My major advice is keep a healthy food environment in the house, no junk food, bring treats in (buy a box of ice cream bars, or bakery cookies, one per person) now and then. Other than that, snacks are yogurt cups with low sugar, fruit, popcorn, hummos and veggies, peanut butter and apples, etc. Pizza only outside the house, almost all meals home cooked (sorry.) And re: exercise–it is more about food than exercise–see what he might like, and go from there. Try a bike–more fun than walking. Swimming? Kayaking. Don ‘t say a word, and maybe once, when appropriate, tell him that if he would like to lose weight, he can ask for your help, and you can take him to a doctor and a nutritionist. He has to get his mind around this before anything will happen.

   14. Find fun things for him to do that happen to require being out of the house and moving around. Throwing a ball for the dog, learning to kick a soccer ball, just try a bunch of things until you see what clicks, and then make that part of your routine.

10. Really interesting framework/epidemiology chart discussion this morning. But the chart is based on cases/positivity rates – do we feel like those are good metrics now? Too many unproctored tests now. I just got back from vacation and will test myself in a few days but probably not report to anyone either way.

    1. No, I don’t feel like number of cases is a good measure anymore. Everyone I know who had Omicron in the last month tested positive at home and (at least in my state) there’s no way to report home test results to any official source. That said, falling positivity rates combined with falling case numbers are pretty clear evidence the surge is dying down. But I think the actual numbers are way higher than we think they are. If estimates were that we were catching 1 in 3 cases before, i think it’s probably more like 1 in 10 now.

       1. I think we had a lot of people get sick with Omicron and not even test to see if they had it. If symptoms were mild, I know a lot of people didn’t bother testing, especially if they couldn’t find home tests to buy, or couldn’t find a testing location with available appointments.

    2. I believe this is partly why CDC is going to be adding wastewater testing as an indicator. It’s been very accurate so far. It’s also fast, so if there’s another wave, we should see it coming sooner.

       1. Oooooh love that. It’s really weird that I love that, isn’t it…

       2. Yeah that’s a good change. Wastewater testing has been a leading indicator of previous surges.

       3. Wow, only now? In Asia that’s been done for over a year in many places

11. Can’t speak more highly about Tifosi shades–and, they’re about a tenth of your budget, so you could get pairs for the whole family! The “Shwae” aviators have these magical nose pads integrated into the frame (no little wire holdaways), so I can pop them on top of my head with no problem. Genius!

    I ordered from them and mentioned in the comments that the shades were to be given (by me after receipt) as a gift, and I got the nicest personalized note tucked into the package, too.

    I have a few pairs of the more activewear styles, as well, and they feel solid and sturdy (though not heavy), both in the hand and on the face. I’m not easy on them (soft case, tucked into pocket or purse). Definitely nicer than Target ones, and seem comparable to my Tods. I believe most of them are polarized.

    Probably won’t impress most fashion folks with the name, but they’re a good product. For the price, they might be worth a try!

    1. I have Tifosi for cycling and they are great.

12. Hi All,

    Looking for a gut check/career advice. I’m an early career commercial litigator looking to make the jump out and into in-house. I’m tired of fighting with opposing counsel, and I want to fight with someone different about something different. I’ve had an interesting government opportunity come up, but the pay is a sticking point. I would be looking at a 20K pay cut. I’ve gone through two interviews and the work seems interesting, my colleagues and supervisors would be interesting and kind people. But I’m stuck on the pay – this means it’s not a fit for me right? Or do I just need to wrap my head about that kind of pay cut if I want to get out of litigation?

    1. I took a bigger pay cut than that about 20 years ago and never looked back. Are you looking at the whole package including benefits, retirement match, and possible pension? I feel like I came out ahead when I count all that in. And, of course, when you look at it on an houry basis I came out WAY ahead!

       1. You make a good point about total compensation. I’m Canadian, so benefits are less of a consideration for me, but the RRSP match at my current place of work is pretty weak. A pension is something I didn’t even consider! Thank you

          1. If this is federal your upward mobility will be limited without speaking french or having credentials for both QC & another province. There are ways to get around this though. Take advice from the US with a grain of salt as lawyers do a lot of things in Canadian government that is unusual (like draft legislation at the direction of policy teams).

             1. This isn’t federal, but I am bilangue so I do have that credential. Legislation drafting is actually part of the position. I am concerned somewhat about upward mobility since the team itself isn’t too large. I am worried I will be stuck at this pay rate for a period longer than I may like. But at the same time I think I may just be spoiled by the relatively high salaries paid to private practice in my province.

             2. The pensions are transferable between provinces and the feds. Some provinces have good pensions (Ontario) some have terrible pensions (Nova Scotia) but what matters most is where you end your career as that will define how many years of service you need. If your primary concern is the money you will be unhappy in government as there’s a very strong culture of altruism and work life balance. It’s all about doing good in 37.5h/week. You can’t get ‘stuck’ at a pay rate in most Canadian government jobs as they are subject to collective agreements which outline automatic COL and level promotions.

       2. Yes yes yes. I’m in a fed govt career and you couldn’t woo me away for less than another $70k. The pension alone is a major benefit, especially if are considering putting real years. Remember step increases, increasing annual leave, etc. It’s a very sweet deal once you are a few years in.

          1. Oh, saw this is Canadian government, not U.S. So YMMV–but still, consider those things! Good luck. Hope you end up in a great spot.

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