Coffee Break: Waverly Heels

110 Comments

1. I love these and back in the day I would have bought them in every color. (OMG the blue is divine! And the periwinkle! AND THE LEOPARD!!) Alas that is no longer my life. No more shoes that hurt and no more shoes in which I can’t move around as easily as a man.

   1. I had the exact reaction. Love them, and would have worn them all the time in my pre-pandemic life with my sleek sheath dresses and blazers. Now I wear loafers to work.

   2. I only wear heels where I know I will be doing a lot of sitting. Like they are just for an entrance and not much use after that?

      But as we re-open, I am finding more and more shoes in my closet at home, packed up in bins. And then there are the shoes that live at the office. But I find that my feet are in my “just for commuting” Rothys 100% of the day.

   3. I agree these are beautiful but not something I’d buy with my new approach to dressing.

   4. Thank you. Yes.

   5. My feet hurt just looking at these.

   6. Same! They are beautiful but after a year of comfortable feet I will admire them from afar, as I prefer to walk without pain these days.

   7. Ahahah, yeah, no. I’m only buying barefoot, zero drop shoes these days. Would love a Corporette post on stylish barefoot (or barefoot-like) shoes for work.

      1. I’d also like a post on all the comfy shoes and clothes people will be wearing back to the office.

   8. What are people wearing for work shoes now? I mainly wore dresses to work and don’t want to change that post-coved , but have no desire to go back to high heels. So, what do I wear? The only thing I can think of is ballet flats, but is there some other option?

      1. I wear loafers with dresses. It looked weird to me at first, but now I don’t even know why. I get compliments on my shoes frequently.

         1. Where do you get them?

            1. Naturalizer.

      2. I see loafers, driving mocs, and ballet flats sometimes, but “lifestyle” sneakers are by far the most common footwear in our office. It has also become more frequent to see jeans with blazers, sneakers with trousers, and generally a much more laid back vibe. People still look sharp but we are also comfortable.

         1. I’m back in the office full time, and today wearing my Allbirds. I’ve purchased a few other pairs of sneakers that still look decent with skirts and my black dressier but still comfy pants. This look is now standard in my office.

      3. D’Orsay style flats are more dressed than other flats. The open sides give more of the illusion of longer legs that heels do, and you don’t get the cut-off-feet-effect that some flats can give (if not wearing opaque tights) with dresses.

      4. I wear pointed-toe flats with dresses a lot- it looks more pulled together and some of mine look like heels from the front

         1. The Cole Haan skimmers are my favorites for this, they look dressy enough.

   9. I am going to have a hard time giving up heels for high-stakes professional interactions because I find it very useful to bring myself closer to the men’s eye level. I also have short legs and a long torso and find that heels make me look more proportional. I’d already jumped on the block heel trend for comfort.

      1. Same. I switched to wedges for this reason. Maybe they look dated, but I don’t really care. I feel tall, and my feet don’t hurt.

      2. Same! I also still like heels. #sorrynotsorry

   10. I have the block heel version of these and love them.

       1. Block heel and wedges FTW. These are pretty shoes, but I already have shoes like this in case I need them for an eventual dressy occasion.

2. After falling down the rabbit hole of YouTube makeup tutorials, I’ve concluded that defined liquid and pencil eyeliner are out and a softer eyeshadow-crayon-as-eyeliner look is in, at least for grown-ups. I like the idea in principle, but I cannot make it work in practice. It’s impossible to make the eyeshadow crayon line even or narrow enough, and I always end up having to touch up with a Q-tip dipped in makeup remover. None of the tutorials I’ve seen actually explains how to avoid making a mess. Any tips? Or am I totally off base on this trend?

   1. I think the key is high quality, clean brushes. Your tools matter a lot here. You want a small brush where none is the bristles are bent or deformed.

   2. No tips, but could you link to one of these videos? I’m interested in the style you described.

   3. Are you choosing an actual pencil type, with a narrow tip, or the crayon style? Sounds like pencil will work better in your case. It can have the same effect if you smudge a bit with your pinky. I like NYX – lots of colors, staying power.

   4. I can’t do this. But I understand anyone can do it, but it takes practice. Most people aren’t practicing enough.

   5. I can’t do this. But I understand anyone can do it, but it takes practice. Most people aren’t practicing enough.

   6. Use a makeup brush and eyeshadow rather than a crayon. If you find it too subtle, you can use some sort of fixative to make the eyeshadow more creamy/less powdery. I use makeup forever aqua seal but lots of lines make one.

      I’ve actually been using a Bobbi brown eyeshadow stick, which is not at all narrow, on my upper lash line, sometimes using a brush and making a finer line, sometimes living with a thicker, smudged line.

   7. Not sure if I totally have the trend right, but I use Thrive’s pencil. The other end has a rubber smudge tool that softens everything.

   8. Try the Clinique quickliner for eyes. It’s an easily smudge-able soft liner.

   9. I use the Urban Decay 24/7 pencils and then smudge with my finger or a short, dense shadow brush to achieve that look. I’ve played with using liner brushes and shadow but it takes more finessing to get the line as bold as I want it.

3. Seeking recommendations for a racerback bra. Wireless would be nice, but I don’t see many wireless options out there. A convertible bra might be OK too if there’s one you love. I’m a B cup.

   1. The seamless sports bras they have at Target (used to be C9, not sure what brand they fall under now) are surprisingly good if you’re on the smaller side. For the price, they’re worth a try.
      The Moving Comfort Vixen sports bra is my all time favorite, but they haven’t made them in some time and you’ll have to search Poshmark, ebay, etc. They are much firmer in their support, to the point that I size up to the Large, but even though they’re tight, they’re not at all uncomfortable on me.

   2. Cosabella! I decided I don’t want to go back to wired bras and I have been so happy with the ones I bought from them. I got one racerback and one with regular straps. If your reason for racerback is due to straps falling down, I’ll mention that straps always slip down my shoulders and theirs is the first bra I’ve ever had where they actually stay up all day!

   3. I love True & Co. They are comfy and supportive, with a variety of strap styles and colors.
      I try to get them on sale.

4. I am leaving my first ever job clerking to go and work for a firm. I clerked for two years and I paid into both a 401A and a deferred compensation plan. What do I do with this money when I change jobs and move into the private sector. Last time I checked it was over $10k in the 401A account. I am honestly not even sure how to see how much is in the pension account. If the answer is move it somewhere, how do I do that? I do not plan on going back to state service so I do not think I need to keep the pension plan.
   Also, is there a good place to learn about this stuff? I feel like I am so in the dark with retirement savings and what to do with the money when moving jobs.

   1. I got something in the mail a couple years after leaving a state govt job. I elected to roll over the funds directly into an IRA and put it in an index fund. If the rate of return on the fund is good, you could just leave it there (or not).

      1. Piggybacking – apart from possibly being in sub-par funds, are there other downsides to just leaving the money where it is? We sent in paperwork to roll an old 401K into an IRA in November 2019, and I found out today that the paperwork never arrived (so the money is still in the old 401K). However, it’s grown by 36%, so I’m inclined to leave it where it is since it’s performing well. Bad idea?

         1. The only downside is that you have to keep track of the account for the rest of your life. FWIW, if you do decide to do a rollover, consider if you want to roll it over to your 401k at your new job (assuming you are working somewhere new). If you move it to a IRA, you won’t be able to do a backdoor roth IRA in the future without a huge cost to roll that amount over to a roth IRA.

   2. Depending on the plan and your balance, your options for the 401A are to (1) keep it in the state plan (if you have a large enough balance) or (2) roll it over to a 401K or IRA. Personally, I would roll it over to the 401k at my new job. You could do an IRA, but that limits your ability to do a backdoor Roth IRA in the future. Even if you are not close to the income cap now, you may be at later points in your lift. HR should give you info about how to contact the company to do a rollover with your exit paperwork.

      With regards to the deferred compensation plan, are you vested? After 2 years, I would be surprised if you were. Either way, HR should provide info on how to cash out of the plan.

      1. For deferred compensation, do you mean a 457 or a pension? In my state, you wouldn’t be vested in the pension but you could access your 457 funds.
         I don’t know if this makes sense or not, but I carry an old 403b because the fees are much lower than the 403b that I can get through my new employer. It might be worth considering what your options are if you roll things somewhere new.

   3. For stuff like this, it really depends on the details of your specific plan, which makes it harder to research than general retirement accounts like 401ks or even the federal plans that are more common. I assume this is a state or city, which should have the info online somewhere? There could be other benefits attached to those accounts, so I wouldn’t automatically roll them over into an IRA. My state 401a is tied to retiree health benefits, which you lose if you roll it over. For the pension, you say now you don’t want to work for the state again, but a lot of states are getting rid of pensions for new employees, so keeping this account might preserve future eligibility if you change your mind on that.

5. PSA since we have had a makeup discussion. I’ve been a Sephora loyalist for years and always made sure I spent enough to get a status level with them, which often meant a lot of November-December purchases to be used as holiday gifts, or very often gifts to me!

   I decided I won’t be Sephora VIB or Rouge next year and have decided to start buying from the websites of the brands themselves. You guys, it is so much better. It’s not that hard to get 20% off, which is why I was chasing that Sephora status, and they almost always have some nice gift with purchase going. I’m really more of a skincare spender than a makeup spender, though I buy both, and this has really been money saving for me, plus I got to try some products from brands I already know I like.

   Maybe there aren’t that many Sephora status chasers here but just in case, I’m here to tell you that you can do better.

   1. Thanks for the tip. I’ve been rouge for forever and I’m finding that having things in stock lately has been a huge challenge or their inventory is so narrow that they only have super large sizes of things. I’ll have to start comparison shopping. I know it sounds simple, but it never occurred to me.

   2. I quit Sephora when I got into K-care, because they just don’t have the brands. If you pick one site and stick with it, like YesStyle or Jolse, the rewards add up quickly.

      1. I use some K skincare as well but I usually also buy from their website. I like Missha Us and neogen labs.

         For US products I’ve bought directly from Biossance and Bobbi Brown.

   3. What a timely tip! I needed new Nars foundation but had just missed the VIB sale, which was a measly 15% off compared to the 20% off sale on the Nars site now!

      1. Ooh I kind of halfway wish you hadn’t just told me about that!!!

   4. I quit Sephora for Ulta, as I realized their mix of drugstore and department store brands is more like how I really shop. It’s so easy to redeem points, and I don’t get tempted by the crazy expensive Sephora brands.

6. I tend to be a people-pleaser and avoid conflict, and I need advice for what should be a simple situation. My personal trainer is losing his lease, and he doesn’t have a backup location. He’s talking about meeting at a local park, but I am not an outdoorsy person, sunburn easily and hate the heat/humidity, so I don’t want to work out outside. (Yes, I know I could wear sunscreen.) I’m thinking of switching to a trainer elsewhere, but I feel bad about leaving because my trainer has only had his own business for a few months. (He worked at a gym before.) How do I set aside my guilt — we’ve also sort of become friends — and say that I’m switching to someone else? (I know this people-pleasing thing is something I have to work on, so I don’t really need criticism about that, please!)

   1. Obviously it isn’t personal. Tell him you strongly prefer working out indoors, and that he can contact you when he does set up a space. If he’s trying to run a business, he surely needs to get an indoor space!

   2. Tell him that you are happy to rehire him when he has an indoor location and you will recommend him to any friends looking to workout outside. Lots of people still prefer the outdoors for COVID reasons.

      1. This – I would say outdoors doesn’t work for you and are happy to work again once he has an indoor option. If he is good, I would not hesitate with recommendation, just make sure your friends mention they came through you.

      2. Cosign this – I’m someone who prefers working out outside, so definitely spread the word to friends who may feel similar!

   3. You don’t have to be outdoorsy to work out in a park, but if you don’t want to, tell him you’ll come back once he has an indoor space and that you’ll gladly recommend him/write a Yelp review.

   4. “Hey Steve it’s been a pleasure working with you, but working out outside isn’t a good option for me so our last session will be xyz date. Happy to leave you a great review if you let me know where that would be most helpful!”

   5. depending on the style of working out you do, I will meet with my trainer at my regular gym (we are both members) and work out together there.

      Otherwise, hey I am not really into outdoor workouts, so maybe you could give me a program I could do myself and when that changes we can start up again?

   6. When the pandemic started my personal trainer started doing zoom sessions with me — I have a good set of dumbbells, TRX straps, a bosu and a physio ball. It’s been great — in fact I prefer it because I can roll out of bed and be working out in 15 minutes. Could this be a solution for you? I know certain kinds of equipment are hard to find right now but it might be an option depending on your workouts and space at home.

7. How does one go about asking for a job referral if you don’t know someone or have not worked with them before. The advice I have seen online says you should just ask for a referral. I am somewhat of a career changer, trying to get a job in a field where the skills I currently have are transferable. I know how to approach people for informational interviews but I have not been brave enough to ask for a referral because most times the people I speak to are those I have reached out to on LinkedIn, in other words, total strangers who have been gracious enough to accept my request. I know companies have programs where referring someone may mean a financial reward. Those in my network currently do not work in the field I am interested in, and I still have yet to find someone who does who is a 2nd or 3rd degree connection on LinkedIn. Looking for advice on how to do this potential wording to use, thanks!!

   1. That’s terrible advice for jobs that I know of. Might be different for jobs where there is a lot of turnover and therefore a high need for new applicants.

      I would never refer someone I didn’t know (what could I honestly say? What if they’re terrible?), nor would I ask for a referral from someone whom I didn’t know extremely well. If you’re already talking with someone, you could mention something about the open job and see if they offer, but I wouldn’t count on it.

   2. I have not heard of this as a thing — I would find it really strange if someone 3 connections away just came out and asked me for a referral.

      Aren’t informational interviews just a euphemism for asking for a referral anyway?

   3. I would not be open to this at all, sorry. I do get linked in requests from people interested in my field but I would never refer someone I have never met nor spoken to. Sorry.

   4. You don’t. I would never refer someone I didn’t know personally and honestly, would probably only refer someone if I had worked with them (vs passing along a resume without the referral).

8. Since so many people are saying they will not be wearing these type of shoes in their post-pandemic lives, I was wondering about what attorney who appear in court (in person) are planning on wearing? It feels like straight skirts do not look right with flats and jurors expect women attorneys to be in heels of some sort, but maybe I am hopelessly old fashioned. it has been almost a year since my last in-person hearing but I am expecting my jurisdiction will be having jury trials by fall.

   1. I think that a longer pencil skirt (like below the knee) would look OK with a loafer-type shoe. Or like a long pleated skirt (also below the knee). It may skew old-school preppy, but I feel that a longer skirt tolerates a flat heel (as do pants) or flats. JCrew has a long pleated skirt in navy that I am curious about — something like that would also work with a heel, but doesn’t seem to need one.

   2. Lower heels? I’ve always felt that kitten heels are underrated.

   3. Pant suits! I also like a block heel with a skirt suit.

   4. I wear my loafers to court frequently, even with straight knee length sheath dresses. For a jury trial, I would wear standard leather pumps for the first two days at least. (Except for my last jury trial, but I was very visibly pregnant.)

   5. I’m a prosecutor and have been appearing in the grand jury throughout the pandemic. The jurors have lived through the same pandemic that I have and understand that wearing flats is much more reasonable. Also I’ve found that jurors generally don’t care (I’ve done a ton of grand jury and jury trials), as long as you can walk in your shoes. I’m currently wearing a pointy toe flat with a 1/2″ or so wide heel — they look a bit dressier than ballet flats to me — with dresses and with pants. I have older flat-flats for wearing in my office — they don’t look as good but feel like slippers.

   6. Not going to court but I have been loving the block heel trend the last year or two. Much more comfortable than stilettos.

   7. A good shootie or a block-heeled pump can be super comfortable and still give the look of the heel. I am going back to jury trials soon and am planning on skirt suits with block heels. The key for me is not too high or narrow of a heel, not too pointy of a toe, and plenty of arch support.

   8. I’d wear something like a Ferragamo Vara.

   9. Sam Edelman loafers (Gucci knockoffs basically). They used to look weird with a dress to me but now I’m used to it. At the very least, it definitely looks better and more current than any type of ballet flat IMO.

      I’d also love to see someone pull off a chunky platform loafer w pant suit.

   10. I have a mix of kittens and block heels.

   11. I wear heels that are actually comfortable, from Rockport and Naturalizer. The Rockport are almost 3 inches IIRC, but somehow still comfortable all day.

9. After 14 months of isolation, the idea of dating again has come up with a couple of my single girlfriends. But when I reflect on my prior relationships, a theme emerges that the men start leaning out after 3/6/12 months. I practice stealth wealth, but based on my job title they eventually figure out that I make more money than they do, and slowly I start paying for EVERYTHING. Then I find myself looking at them one day and realizing that they do not add enough value to my life to keep around. Like, great you make 2-3 dinners a week – but you basically live at my house rent-free, I do the laundry and cleaning, I pay for all outings, etc. I would rather be single with less laundry/cleaning, more free time, and I can buy myself nice dinners and (if I really wanted) a gardener with WAY better gardening skills than you.

   Ladies who are attached: what value does a man bring to your life that balances out all the sacrifices you make for him? How do you prevent the guy dialing way back on what he contributes after a certain comfort level? So far, I deal by dumping him. I want to avoid the time-sink.

   This all sounds harsher than I intend. I am trying for brevity. At a high level I do not want to be single. I want a partner. But the men out there just don’t have the interest or skills; they want a checkbook with benefits.

   1. It sounds like you need to be with a man who earns at your level. I don’t usually say this to people – I usually encourage people to be open to potential matches from all backgrounds – but it feels like you in particular need someone at your income level in order to be able to respect them.

      1. Also you should not be paying for anything that you’re going to resent paying for. If it’s you who wants to go to the posh restaurant or splurgey vacation and the other party can’t afford it, then you offer to pay for it, knowing that is the price of admission. But if the guy can’t pick up half of a Chipotle check, that’s just lazy. Ask for separate checks 100% of the time.

         1. I am saying that HE wants the posh stuff after he figures out than I can afford it.

            Man, I need to work on my writing skills.

            1. That sucks. I don’t blame you for dumping them!

      2. Interesting that this was your takeaway. I am fine with a man who earns less. I have basically only dated men that earn less.

         But a man who earns less because he works 20 hours/week by choice AND he lives with me rent-free AND he leaves most of the home-making to me AND he gives me a hard time because I work full-time+ BUT he sure likes to advance ideas for how I can spend MY money in furtherance of HIS personal likings that he has plenty of time to pursue because part-time job – THAT situation is what I deplore.

         If dude spent more of his substantial free time making my life easier? I’d be plenty happy with that.

         1. Sounds like you’ve been dating some terrible men. I’m sorry. I’ve had my share of bad dating experiences. Nothing wrong with giving up trying and not dating! But it’s also ok to try and keep your standards up. I somehow lucked out and got a good one in my late 30s after my divorce — so it’s definitely possible.

         2. There are two Anons responding to you, but I’m Anon at 5:15 and 5:23. I didn’t mean it as a mean thing when I said you should date someone at your income level. I just think some of these problems would be alleviated by this. Two high-earning, busy professionals are likely to have the same priorities and fewer resentments about who pays for what.

         3. Okay, so stop dating men who work 20 hours a week by choice and don’t let them move in with you. Surely you can think of some common attributes these men have had and work on screening those out when you meet new people.

         4. This seems obvious–just don’t date guys like that? Or if you date them for fun, don’t let them live with you? Or say no when they ask you to spend money on their hobbies? This is a really weird problem to have. Like, totally solvable by not getting yourself into the situation in the first place.

            1. Right, I am asking HOW to not date guys like that. They all put on a good front for up to a year. I am trying to figure out how to suss this out before I waste 3-12 months of my life.

         5. I think you’re the common factor here! I have never had even one man move in rent free. Draw boundaries earlier and you’ll know he’s a dud on date 8 instead of month 8

            1. +1 I find this totally abnormal behavior on the part of men! I don’t think that most men are like this.

   2. Wow are you me? My solution has been only dating guys who make equal or more than I do (or are on track to). Never pay for anything in the early stages.

      I know it sounds awful but it has nothing to do with me being a gold digger. I’d be happy to sign a prenup. But I’ve had several longer term relationships that all ended for similar reasons. I just can’t deal with fragile male egos anymore and 90% of men in my experience bring little else to the table (no domestic skills, inability to plan fun things, etc). At least if they have money you can outsource things and minimize your resentment. And if you plan to have children, what if something were to happen to you? Would you feel confident leaving them in his care?

      Many men are delusional as to their value. These guys probably think you should keep them around for their “fun vibes” or whatever. Last time I was single, I constantly had men my age or older thinking I’d be flattered they wanted to start “something casual and maybe see where it goes”. Sorry Greg, but if I want something casual it’s going to be with the 23 year old water polo player in my DMs, not a chubby 38 year old investment banker with ED and obvious commitment issues. Keep a rotation going until someone really proves themself to you.

      1. Thanks, Kitten. Nice to hear that I am not alone.

         Geez it would not occur to me to insist on men at/above my income. I do not think there are any single ones out there. I am very well-paid and very grateful. It seems unfair or snooty to expect my partner to have gotten as lucky as me in the income department. I think of my dad who was a teacher or my cousin who is a firefighter, both engaged in way more important work than me for not much pay.

         Never truly tried the “casual” angle but maybe I should at this point. You only live once.

         1. It sounds like you are more of a baller than me so maybe it is truly difficult to find guys who out earn you. Hopefully you can at least find similarly ambitious professional men, even if they can’t match you dollar for dollar.

            On the casual note, I went out with a much younger guy a few years ago, somewhat assuming he wouldn’t want anything serious..we are still together! I temporarily out-earn him but only due to time in the workforce. He would literally die of embarrassment if I paid for his lifestyle. But still, I do 90% of the emotional labor and probably 70% of domestic things. I’d love a truly 50-50 relationship but since it hasn’t existed in my experience, I will take a high-earner which will allow us to outsource.

      2. this is my fave ever corporette comment.

         OP i have no additional advice except to identify the early warning signs and end it early!

      3. “Sorry Greg, but if I want something casual it’s going to be with the 23 year old water polo player in my DMs, not a chubby 38 year old investment banker with ED and obvious commitment issues.”

         You are amazing and that is gold.

   3. So I would say I’m like you. My plan was always to live in a penthouse with cats. I ended up with a row house, a husband, and cats instead. My husband is an equal earner to me (hence the fancy $$$ row home) so he definitely contributes to the finances. He’s not a good cook but he’s on 100% cat poo, meds, & food duty which evens out time wise (to those who say otherwise I challenge you to adopt high needs senior animals). We are very similar people and I think that’s the main value, I always have a concert partner, hiking buddy, someone to go antiquing with, and a confidante to gossip about the neighbours terrible renovations. However this only works because we’re staunchly child free and share almost every moral value.

   4. These guys sound like they suck. Dating involves going through a bunch of dudes who suck until you get to the dude who does not suck. Dating when you have a high salary or net-worth attracts freeloaders regardless of gender.

      My husband and I both contribute equally to our household/lives, even though our preferred style for division of labor is to do completely separate things. He always follows through on his promises and never leaves a task undone. He also does not like to cause undue stress on others, so he would never let me exhaust myself on household chores while doing nothing.

      At the same time, we also both use our words directly. I would not do all the cleaning and resent him, I would just say “I’m tired from all this cleaning, do you want to take turns with chores or split the tasks?” Do you communicate what you want and need in a mature way? If you do and the guy doesn’t step up, dump him! If you don’t, that’s where you should change.

   5. these men sound like they suck and I don’t blame you for not wanting to put up with that – you shouldn’t! my experience is that my husband + last bf both earned less than me – but I found that because they were also more frugal than me I ended up saving way more money while we were together because of better overall habits. so it’s definitely not just the lower earning thing but that those guys were trying to take advantage of you. my husband earns less + is less busy and he probably does >75% of the housework, scheduling of dentist, dr apptmts, etc. he has expensive taste only with beer and bicycles and although we pool our $$ I always feel like he’s so judicious about it. so the non cra ppy lower earning dudes are out there…don’t discount those~!

   6. Honestly I think if you keep running into this you should be up front about your wealth. These guys sound awful. Hopefully by being more up front sooner about your finances you can weed out these guys faster. Also it’s totally fine to decide you prefer being single and just casually date

      1. +1 on this. I’d be more upfront that you make money. Better to find out faster how they will react.

   7. I earn more than my husband, but we have a similar work ethic. Actually he works more than I do. He would never be content to just not work. When our kids were babies he stayed home with them for a couple of years, but he took on EVERY single household task. I had started a new job and was overwhelmed with babies/nursing and getting used to my new job. I would come home, collapse on the couch while nursing the baby and he would take care of everything. He made sure my pump supplies were clean, he did all the cooking and cleaning, laundry. Literally everything. Now that we both work full time and our kids are older, we have a more equal division of labor and we outsource more than we used to. So it all feels very fair to me. He still leaves his socks all over the place and does other things that annoy me, but overall he adds value to my life and I think some aspects of my life are easier because he is part of it. (I do sometimes wish I lived in a fancy loft by myself haha.)

   8. Is there anything these guys have in common? I mean, in why you are attracted to them in the first place?
      I get why people advise you to date men who earn more than you, but you say that you practice stealth wealth, admire your parents who made a lot less money, and that you are not the driving force for doing the expensive lifestyle thing. That doesn’t sound like a woman who needs a partner who wants to spend more money (even if it’s his). I would guess that might make you feel like you’re faking it. Or maybe not. Anyway, stop the rent-free thing (!), and stop doing all the laundry and cleaning. Maybe try a cleaning service whatever your single-non-single status? You can afford it, somebody else could use a job, and it benefits you whatever happens.
      Would you actually prefer a house-husband, or just a gardening partner, or somebody connected with your parent’s lifestyle?

   9. I think the right partner contributes to your life. It’s someone to share things with, travel with, have inside jokes with, be friends with, share your pet peeves and anxieties with, someone who you want to accompany you to all your family obligations, be there for you in the event of a medical emergency, and, yes, “garden” with whenever the mood strikes.

      Not everyone needs that to be happy, of course. And it’s hard to have that if you don’t respect the other person or you feel like they are taking advantage of you.

      It’s hard to say if you’re choosing a certain kind of guy but I don’t think it’s a matter of money only. There are plenty of guys who will still pull their weight even if they know you make buckets more than them. Maybe you are looking at it too transactionally too? Healthy relationships have a good give and take that ebbs and flows but they can’t just be a matter of quid pro quo. I mean it sucks that they all suck but it also doesn’t sound like you’re too broken up about any of these relationships not working out?

      I would recommend examining what these guys all have in common and also being up front about your situation if you don’t want to give up on relationships altogether for a while. Find guys who aren’t going to be intimidated by it at the outset rather than surprising them after the fact and then having them decide that they will salve their egos by letting you pick up the tab for everything.

   10. My husband is an equal partner. I found that in my twenties, most men were not equal partners; they were in it for all they could get out of it. In my thirties, men seemed to be much more egalitarian and wanted to be in it for what they could give. Not sure where you are age-wise.

   11. This is interesting to me. I generally out earn my dating partners and this has not been an issue for me. I don’t understand how you can slowly start paying for everything without your own agreement to it. Just don’t. Dating sucks, and there is almost no scenario outside of dumb luck where you don’t have to cycle through a lot of men who are not appropriate for you (for a variety of reasons). Dating just IS a time sink. There have got to be red flags happening though that you may not be attuned to. I think a therapist could help examine these past relationships in an objective way and help you identify how to screen these types of men from your dating pool earlier on.

   12. Like you, I practice stealth wealth, and have dated (and am now marrying) a guy that earns less than me, and is younger. But, despite have a rough many years of dating, and experiencing lots of other challenges, I haven’t had the issues you’re having. So I’ll share what’s worked for me…. Almost all the guys I’ve dated ride their bike as their preferred mode of transportation. You probably laughed right now, and are thinking, what does that have to do with anything? But I think it has to do with a lot – they don’t secretly want a “fancy” lifestyle. They’ve also tended not to have a lot of stuff. My fiance is happiest with a simple lifestyle. It would never in a million years occur to him to have me gradually start paying for stuff. It also would not occur to me to worry if I was actually paying more, because, well, I have more money, but he adds so much more to my life. Where we could have issues is if I started wanting to live a fancy life above his ability to pay about half- that, I know, would make him very uncomfortable, and we had some apartment hunting challenges as a result.
       As far as what he adds to my life – omg, so much!!! He adds interesting conversation, and makes me laugh, and cooks me amazing dinners, is a true partner for handling household things, and is someone I can’t wait to parent with, and is generally the best friend I’ve ever had. I can’t put a price on that. If you don’t feel that your guys are adding to your life through their friendship, I think you maybe haven’t found the right guy yet.
       Hmmm…one other thing that occurs to me. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten lazier. And this has ironically brought me better partners. Meaning, when I was 25 I bent over backwards to clean before my boyfriend came over, always cook him nice food, and basically try to be the perfect girlfriend. That got me married to an abusive jerk who wanted a rich wife who also kept perfect house. Now I’m much more likely to not clean, not plan dinner, and say “hey, gotta work late tonight, be home around 8” and see if he picks up the ball and makes dinner for us both. Being less giving at the beginning (I should note I’m in generally a very sweet, giving, gentle person) let me see if HE was a giving person, if he wanted to give to me.
       Lastly – hang in there. I know it’s really really hard. But I’m so glad I kept trying until I met my fiance. I trust there’s someone for you, too!

   13. Value my husband brings to my life:
       – Makes me laugh
       – He thinks the world of me, which gives me the confidence and comfort to be silly, try hard things, and fail
       – Does 95% of the driving and 99% of the car maintenance (we live in a city so car is for errands and fun trips, not work)
       – Does ~60% of the laundry
       – Picks up 70% of our packages delivered
       – Occasionally cooks, but usually cleans if I cook. If neither of us want to cook he’ll usually place the Doordash order
       – Lots of orgasms

       I made a lot more than him when we met (he was in grad school), but since he’s made more than me for a while, and I make more again now.

   14. They’re helpful if you want kids. If you don’t want kids then the main thing I’d look for is a steady date and a great traveling companion — both metaphorically and realistically. Most of the divorced/widowed women I know miss having a regular Saturday dinner date or someone who will be your +1 to events you want to go to. Friends are fine but logistics can be difficult, plus friends get busy with children/husbands/parents. The guy you’re looking for should add something to every experience you go to together– not money but insights or laughter or a fresh perspective or even just the warm feeling of someone holding your hand.

10. I really like these but I’m just a heels kind of person. Also I’m usually sort of “eh” on a lot of Coach stuff, but every pair of Coach shoes I’ve ever had were really comfortable.

    1. Yeah, I like Coach wallets, leather gloves and shoes, they are well designed and reasonably priced.

Comments are closed.