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Updated: Mar 3, 2022 155 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Wool Cashmere Short Wrap Coat

Coffee Break

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In my online travels yesterday for our hunt for classic sweaters for work, I was drooling over this gorgeous wool cashmere short wrap coat from Cuyana. It looks absolutely stunning in each of the four colors — I feel like Olivia Pope would approve if there were a white option. (There's beige, black, rust and chocolate.)

It looks cozy yet stylish, and I could see it looking great with jeans, trousers, or a dress.

The coat is $348, available in sizes XS-XL, at Cuyana.

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Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. Anon

    Last month my boss left our company, and I assumed line manager responsibilities for the assistant that had reported to him (but assisted us both). I have weekly check ins with her. At our call today, she let drop that she has been having biweekly meetings with my new boss (two levels up) to discuss career advancement, etc.

    I felt a bit blindsided by the fact that this has been going on and my boss didn’t mention it to me. It feels sort of like a vote of no confidence in my managerial skills that they are regularly meeting. Am I being too sensitive or does this seem odd? And if it is odd, how should I broach the topic with my boss?

    • S

      Super odd. But I don’t think you have anything to gain by mentioning it outside of a specific issue the arrangement is creating. I’d just proceed as if it isn’t until it become relevant — bring it up then.

    • Anon

      If an employee is trying to advance I can see why they wouldn’t necessarily want to share it with a manager who feels put out by them leaving. This is analogous to her secretly interviewing outside the company except that it’s internal.

      I have had to do the same when I had a manager who wanted me to stay in the same role forever because he didn’t want to go through the effort of finding my replacement. I basically talked to other managers in the company about openings, and only let my manager know once it was a done deal. He still put up a fuss, but I will tell you it reflected poorly on him, not me.

      • Anon

        Hi, OP here. This is not the case at all. She is interested in moving up in the company and the reason I learned of her meetings with my boss is because they discussed her applying for an internal position that has opened up. She asked me if I would support her in doing so and reviewing her resume, and I said yes, of course. But I don’t understand why she would skip a level to talk about career development, or why my boss wouldn’t refer her back to me to discuss this.

        • Anon

          It seems a little micro-managey to want her to have to talk to you about it and nobody else. You just became her boss last month. Any chance these conversations started before that? Or she already had an existing relationship with your boss? I don’t think it’s weird that it has happened this way and I do think it’s weird that you’re so concerned about it.

          • pugsnbourbon

            +1 my assumption was that this was ongoing or in the works prior to OP stepping into the role.

          • Anon

            No, she told me that these discussions had only begun once her previous manager left.

          • NYCer

            I agree. Even if these conversations just started, I assume she thinks your boss is in a better position to help her get the new position and/or would offer more insight in career planning.

            OP – I would let this go.

          • Ellen

            It is strange unless it is a very big company. In my small boutique law firm, Lynn wanted to be promoted to a paralegal from secretary so of course she brought it up with me, and even though everyone knew her (there are only a total of 14 people in our firm), she still came to me. She even came to me when she got dumped by her boyfreind, who she had s-x with in the office, and who used to work at the firm before we fired him after he failed the bar again and again. So the fact she jumped over you is strange. But don’t hold it against her. If she is GEN Z, she is clueless, and with the pandemic, for all you know, she got cozy with your second line manager after Zoom calls or something along those lines. I would not speculate on how she managed to hook up with him, since the dirty deed is done. But more importantly, you want to be cool about it because she may not get the job and you will continue to have to work with her, as I continue to do with Lynn!

        • Anon

          Maybe your boss is in a better position to help her get the new position. Maybe she wants input from multiple people. Why do you feel that you are the only person she should discuss this with?

        • Anonymous

          It is pretty normal for people to seek out advice and mentorship from people in their company who aren’t their direct managers. Higher level managers might want to mentor these employees or might want to keep tabs on staff to gauge employee morale or see if someone might be a good fit for another role.

      • Anonymous

        That was my first thought, too. A good manager wants people to grow. You don’t even mention a single thing about her–it is all around what it means for you. Her trying to advance isn’t direct to you not advancing as well. Truly, it isn’t.

        • Anon

          This question is not about her—I have no question for the commentariat about her. I think it’s weird—if my boss wants me to manage, let me manage! A regular meeting with her skip level boss just seems weird to me. I don’t think my boss would take kindly to my having regular meetings with her boss and leaving her out of the loop.

          • Anon

            You need to let it go. A regular meeting with a skip level boss is not at all weird.

          • Anonymous

            It sounds like these meetings are more about mentorship and career advancement than management of the employee’s work.

          • Anon

            Seeking advice and mentorship from someone who is not your direct boss is normal. Your boss is not managing her but advising her.

          • anonshmanon

            What everyone else has said. Mentorship and management are not the same. They could be done by the same person, but could also be done by two different people, and there are clear upsides to that.

          • Anon

            I agree with you that a regular meeting with the second-level manager is odd. I would have the same concerns that you have. Sure, having conversations about career advancement and mentoring are fine and typical—but a regular biweekly meeting is different. In your position I would be very curious about this, just as you are, and I would wonder whether it had anything to do with me personally.

            That said, I wouldn’t address with her. I might address it with your boss: “Hey, I learned Ann is having regular one-on-ones with you. Is there anything I should be integrating into my goals and priorities for her that dovetail into the conversations you’re having with her?”

            Presumably the answer is no, which you take at face value, and then you move on knowing that their conversations are irrelevant to how you manage her.

    • anon

      Did you assume line manager responsibilities because someone had to do the work or were you promoted in to that role? Because if you were not named the new manager, I’m not sure why this assistant would be talking to you about this stuff, especially after only a month. I know she assisted both you and old boss, but she reported to old boss, no? Maybe two levels up boss is trying to retain assistant in a moment of turnover? I don’t think this has much to do with you but you maybe need to reconsider why you think it should.

      • Curious

        +1 my boss would do this to retain someone. However, my boss would also tell me she was having 1:1s with my direct. Not doing so does feel weird. OP, it’s been a month; they have biweekly time set up (so they’ve met a max of what, twice?), and you’re now in the loop. I’d assume good intentions and mention Assistant’s pending application in your next 1:1 with boss. Note that you know they’re meeting and ask if there’s anything they’ve been talking about you should be aware of to better manage Assistant. Your boss’s response should be telling — she may have just forgotten to mention it because it seemed like NBD, or she may start explaining basic things, in which case maybe it is a concern that you’re a new or junior manager. You can then choose how you want to manage that — asking neutrally for feedback and growing, or leaving if you think it reflects a situation you can’t come back from.

        • Anon

          My boss would do this and would absolutely not tell me. I only found out he was mentoring one of my staff because he brought up something about him. However, I have a great relationship with my team, trust in my boss, and am unwilling to micromanage my boss, so I just let it go. Usually when my boss does something that annoys me, I let it go and find it works well for maintaining my autonomy and getting promoted.

          • Curious

            Yeah, probably depends on the boss and your level. My boss and I talk about people / talent development all the time, so it would be weird to not have this come up, but if I managed more than 7 staff or talked to boss less, it wouldn’t be weird.

      • Nudibranch

        It takes a while to trust new bosses. It seems like a natural thing to me for her to share as little information as possible with you as her newish supervisor, particularly if she’s afraid sharing that info will be to her detriment.

        The fact that you now know, should be a positive thing.

        (Personally, I wouldn’t have shared either, until things had settled and the outlook was good. There’d be too much risk for me. Too little benefit.)

    • Anon

      Now that I read your responses, I think you are insecure and overreacting. Skip level mentoring is a thing, you don’t own this person, and you’re making something about you that is not about you. Let it go and maybe think about how to deal with your insecurity.

    • Anony

      I was an assistant and to get the role I’m in now (that was a huge promotion), I had to skip above not only my day-to-day manager but my regular/section manager as well. They just weren’t in the position to help me advance in the company (and one definitely didn’t care about me at all). Maybe your old boss told assistant that skip-level boss was the person to go-to to move up, especially since you are new in your role and old boss knew they were leaving. This is not weird at all. There is a good chance assistant knows skip-level boss and has worked with them in the past. Us, [even us former] assistants know who can make things happen and will seek out those people first.

  2. Anonymous

    In a few weeks, I will be hosting a work event with participants from a variety of orgs across the country. When the event was scheduled, our org required masks in our facilities. Participants were asked to agree to wear masks, to abide by all other government and organizational COVID policies in effect at the time of the event, and to submit copies of vaccination cards. It is a social-justice type of group that skews liberal, but also rather cavalier with regard to COVID because these people have mostly been working with vulnerable populations in person throughout the pandemic and have become numb to the risk. My org is likely to drop its mask requirement before the event. I would prefer to require masks at the event, and the participants have already agreed to mask. Dropping the mask requirement may or may not cause some participants to drop out, but keeping the requirement should have no effect on participation. What do you all see happening at conferences and meetings scheduled for the near future?

    • Anon

      No masks. The CDC has said healthy people don’t need to wear them. If you DO require masks, I probably would NOT go because I’m over it.

      • Anon

        Yes, CDC isn’t supporting mask wearing at this time (they even told high risk people to go ask our doctors… they are distancing themselves from responsibility for mask wearing).

        The science doesn’t really support it (one-way mask wearing does not compare to masking as source control as part of an airborne transmission protocol), but their only goal now is to keep hospitalizations down, so if only high risk people are hospitalized, that’s fine w/them.

          • Anon

            So serious question – are N95 masks not effective? I get that not masking sucks, but isn’t wearing an N95 yourself still a solid option? They protect by themselves, unlike other masks that only protect if others wear them.

          • Anon

            Last study I saw was that if a contagious person and an uninfected person wear an N95 level respirator in an indoor, hour long interaction, risk of COVID transmission is less than 1%.

            But if the contagious person is not masked at all, the person wearing the respirator still has a 30% of catching COVID after an hour of indoor interaction.

            That seems a bit pessimistic to me (if they’re far apart, and there’s good ventilation, and an air filter, doesn’t that help?). But masks work much, much better as source control when the contagious person is also wearing one than as protection alone.

          • Curious

            Thanks all for the serious discussion of the nuance here. Currently neutropenic and glad of the info.

        • Anon

          This isn’t accurate. The CDC said masks aren’t required in low risk areas that currently encompass 70% of the US. 30% of the country (including most of my state) is still supposed to be wearing masks according to the CDC. But that part of their recommendation is being ignored.

      • Ellen

        I think you may want say “Masks Optional” if your company allows it, but that way, depending on the venue, people can put masks on if the air is stale or if there is some thought that some of the people are coming from locales where COVID is still an issue. You would not want to have a superspreader event because some schlub came from a place full of COVID and spread it to unwitting employees who were not vaxxed or BOOSTED. It is a proven fact that even those who are Vaxxed and Boosted can and do get COVID, tho it is not as bad as those who have not gotten the vaccine. In NYC, we all had to get vaxxed and boosted based on the Partnership Vote, so we all are, so it is a mute point for us.

      • NYCer

        I should add, I am sure some participants will still wear masks, and that is 100% fine. But I do think it would be odd to host a masks required event or meeting at this point.

      • Anon

        This. I wouldn’t go to a masked conference anymore. OP, I think your calculation that it wouldn’t impact attendance is off.

    • Anon

      My husband is in academia, which I think skews pretty cautious about Covid, but he is organizing three conferences this spring and summer and will be requiring masks at all of them. Like you said, the people who prefer masks may not come if there are no masks, whereas the people who prefer no masks may grumble but will attend anyway even if masks are required.

      • Anon

        Respectfully, I will be curious to hear back if this actually happened. I think the worm is out of the can already on this one, much less months from now. And I’m in the Bay Area where we have been probably some of the last to fall from a mask standpoint, but I still get that sense.

        I think a lot of people in the responses here are underestimating the amount of people that soon won’t go to things if masks are required, if the context is that they aren’t required almost anywhere else. (Not everyone! I know some people still want them! I’m just responding to the assumptions that “no one” will back out if masks are required). Or they will go and not wear them (I’ve already been to one conference like that. Not a Trump rally or anything, just a regular old conference where everyone was vaxxed and over it).

        • OP

          This event isn’t like a social gathering or a conference. It is an expert working group that will be creating a high-impact deliverable, so the incentive to participate is strong. That makes me suspect that we’ll lose more people by dropping masks than we’d lose by insisting on them. The event was originally scheduled to occur near the peak of the omicron surge, and when we postponed we got a lot of relieved thank-you messages from participants.

          We will have the capacity to enforce any masking requirement if we want to. It’s a small group that s easy to observe, and we will have control over their access to the facility.

          • Anon

            I would make it masks recommended and explain why (the rules changed but we know some people accepted thinking masks were required).

        • Anon

          Well, my husband’s organizing the events and we have kids who aren’t eligible for the vaccine, so masks will definitely be required. People can choose not to attend, but he hasn’t gotten any feedback in that direction, and many people have said they’re grateful for continued masking. I do think academic culture is quite different than corporate culture. It’s Covid cautious in general, plus many senior faculty are high risk by virtue of age (many, if not most, distinguished professors are in their 60s or 70s) and many junior faculty have young kids. There are plenty of young, low risk attendees without kids, but they’re mostly grad students and postdocs who don’t have a lot of sway in this kind of decision. It’s different than tech where you can have a 25 year old CEO calling the shots.

          I actually think people in the Bay Area and other blue states are more eager to drop the masks than people in many other parts of the country right now, because you had a mask mandate for so long, and it being lifted now feels like it has significance. We and many of my husband’s colleagues live in red states that either never had mandates or lifted them over a year ago, but the people we know have never stopped masking, so why stop now, especially before our kids are vaccinated?

          • Anonymous

            Having kids doesn’t make you high risk. Your young children are not high risk.

          • Anon

            Regardless of your masking rules, which I have no strong opinion about, you are making wildly broad claims about industries here that I think are probably not backed up by anything real.

          • Anon

            I’m just sharing my anecdotal experience based on what I’ve observed. Many people do the same thing here every day. I don’t think it’s much of a reach to say academic culture is different than corporate culture in many ways, and in my experience that extends to attitudes about Covid precautions. I’m not declaring that every academic conference everywhere requires masks, or that every person in academia shares our cautious attitude. I’m sure that’s not the case.

          • Anon

            I’m the Bay Area person and I also don’t work in tech and me and my CEO (and the conference attendees I was referencing that took off masks) are far from 25, but I can appreciate that that’s the view of the Bay Area.
            The point that some in the Bay Area may be over it more than others because of the mandate is an interesting one though.

          • Anon

            I grew up in the Bay Area. I know not all tech CEOs are 25. But it’s a possibility in many industries, especially tech, for young people to be in charge. In academia, it’s basically impossible for someone under 30 to be in a position of power, and most decision makers are much older than that. It’s generally a lot more age-hierarchical than the corporate world. Again, not saying that every powerful academic is elderly or every corporate CEO is young, but as a broad generalization, yes, decision-makers in academia skew older than in many industries.

          • Anon

            Anon at 6:44. I did not say children are “high risk.” Certainly they’re not at high risk of death. But the vast majority of people I know are worried about long Covid and other complications besides death, and want our kids to be vaccinated before we abandon all Covid precautions. I realize that’s not a common opinion here, but in real life pretty much everyone I know has kids under 5 and I really don’t know anyone has gone back to “2019 normal” life.

          • Anon

            I’ve been surprised before how many grad students have really serious comorbidities. Even though in a way it makes a lot of sense that people with unusually high healthcare needs would gravitate to a life path that supplies extremely good health insurance along with unusually flexible hours!

        • Anon

          This exactly. Also in the Bay Area and I wouldn’t go to a masked event. The point is to network and meet people. Masks get in the way and aren’t necessary anymore. It’s time to move on.

    • Anonymous

      Just be clear in all messaging. It’s not fair to people working with vulnerable populations (or part of vulnerable populations) to assume they will be indoors for long periods of time with masking if that’s not going to be the case.

    • Cat

      tbh I am not interested in masks-required events as it negates the benefit of being in person – chills the mood, harder to talk to people. I’m not exactly ready for a big maskless crowd for work, though – would rather get Omicron from a fun wedding than a conference.

        • Anon

          Yes — in-person > zoom > nothing at all.

          I can go either way on masks, but will not be doing zoom conferences if I can go in-person.

        • Anon

          +1 I’ve attended lots of masked in person events and find them far better than zoom for both networking and having fun. Socializing over Zoom is basically impossible, imo. Socializing with masks on is a little weird but basically fine.

        • Cat

          yeah, I’ve done some of them myself, and half the time you can’t hear the person, you can’t get the benefit of facial expressions, etc.

          If it weren’t for the logistical headaches of Covid (travel gets messed up, having to quarantine) I’d be happy to attend unmasked stuff at this point. I’ve just kind of lost patience with the rest of it!!

        • Anon

          I have a minor hearing impairment that makes masked communication extremely difficult. While I agree you can’t socialize on zoom, it’s pretty lost on me with masks, along with all the more formal information. I’m not going to tell people not to mask if they want to, but I’m pretty tired of people trying to say it’s cost-free.

          • Curious

            Yeah, one of my nurses is hearing-impaired, and she’s rolling with it, but it makes things hard.

          • anon

            I only hear out of one it and masks make things much more challenging and while I can read lips, I’ve yet to see anyone in my area with a see through mask that would allow me to use this skill.

      • LaurenB

        I don’t possibly see how masks negate the benefit of being in person. I agree that they aren’t as celebratory/social, and they can be a hardship for hearing-impaired, but if we’re talking a plain old conference / business meeting, I don’t see the big deal. Could you perhaps say “strongly recommended” and ask the leaders to model masking behavior? Personally my continuing to mask in indoor settings is a sort of solidarity with workers (catering staff, ushers, etc.) who are exposed to lots of people, and not so much about my own risk levels (triple-vaxed and no compromising health conditions).

    • Anonymous

      I’m in the same sort of field and we have two major events for April that are keeping their masking/vaccination requirements, and I appreciate that they are. Not that it’s anyone’s business, but I’m higher risk right now (pregnant) and I think it’s less ableist than simply saying people with underlying health issues need not come, which is probably a value that a social justice group would want to uphold.

    • Bonnie Kate

      No masks. Some people will still wear them and that’s totally okay, but 98% of people are no masks.

      I think it’s going to be especially weird if your organization lifts the mask requirements, you still require masks and also vaccination records/cards. That seems overly cautious to me and not based in science.

      • Anon

        Co-sign all of this. Requiring masking for everyone no longer follows CDC guidelines, so I am curious on how people who are going to require masks at events are going to justify that to attendees. That’s not a data-driven, data-justified decision.

        • Anon

          Have you seen the reaction of actual experts with good track records to the CDC guidelines?

          I agree that CDC guidelines are going to outweigh actual science, but they’re not following the data either.

      • Anonymous

        So we’re going to throw a random statistic out there like 98% and claim science.

        Good grief.

      • Curious

        This is so regional! Seattle is still super masky even without the mandate.
        And yes, I’ve coined a new adjective.

        • LaurenB

          Yes!! I love “masky.” Chicago is very masky as well, and I’m happy that they/we are. Because really, it’s such not the big deal. Gee, you have to have a piece of cloth covering your face; oh well, you’re not clutching your frightened children in the subway in Kyiv and wondering where your husband is and where your next meal will come from. Americans are such wimps, really. It’s so embarrassing.

        • anon

          yup, haven’t seen a single maskless face indoors in Berkeley since the mandate went away. That 98% claim needs to come with a city or region attached.

          • NYCer

            Really? In NYC, it’s about 50/50 wearing masks indoors now (less in my biglaw office, where it’s probably 95/5, with the vast majority not wearing masks).

          • Anon

            Probably depends a lot on what you’re doing, not just where you live. My MIL is visiting us from NYC right now and reported over 90% indoor masking even after the mandate was lifted. She works at a university and frequents artsy things.

    • Anonymous

      Can you watch the local numbers? By April BA.2 may be upon us and CDC guidance may be different. (Or maybe just say that – we will follow whatever CDC guidance on masking indoors is as of the first day of the conference – everyone who wants to is welcome to wear a mask regardless.)

      • OP

        We definitely don’t have to make any final pronouncements until people are packing for travel. At this point my org still requires masks, but I expect that to change soon. If the CDC is recommending masks at the time of the conference, the event’s original policy would require masking. I’m just concerned that we’ll be in a weird middle ground where the org has dropped the mask requirement and infection rates aren’t quite high enough to fall into the CDC’s masks-recommended zone. Things are still pretty bad here, but under the new guidelines the CDC has masks as optional.

    • Anon

      I would contact participants and let them know you’ll issue updated masking guidance in the week before the event and that you’ll follow CDC guidelines. That gives you wiggle room in case you move to a high transmission status, and gives those who will not attend if masking is not universal a heads up.

    • Anon

      i think you should require masks, especially if you are no longer requiring people to upload proof of vaccination. i don’t think its strange if your org generally has a no mask policy, but does for this event that involves bringing people together from across the country. it’s a different type of event. i also think it is extremely ableist. i mean a part of me still cannot believe this is a thing two years later, but ending up in a wheelchair, having to wear an insulin pump, etc. are all a big deal. wearing a mask for an event for a couple of hours just isn’t. and if it is to you, then i hope you realize how lucky you are to be able to consider wearing a mask to be such an inconvenience.

      • Anon

        I completely agree. I would want to know the mask policy well in advance, when I am deciding whether to attend, and I strongly support you making masks mandatory for the reasons you’ve articulated.

  4. Anon

    I’m trying to get away from coats like this in March. But other than a trench, what is a spring coat? It can be chilly in the morning. And possibly also rain.

    • ATL

      Waxed cotton Barbour jacket? That’s what I’ve been wearing since it’s in the 40s in the AM and in the 70s after work.

      • Anonymous

        Whatever the coat, you need a UK coat. Rain and chilly is normal weather for the UK. Whether you go for expensive (Barbour) or cheap (M&S) you want a UK coat.

    • Go for it

      I do a raincoat /trench with ultra lite down vest & a spring palette lighter density scarf.
      Plus the hat & gloves I stash in my work bag.

    • Anon

      light puffer, one of those green field jackets, denim jacket, leather jacket. depending on temperature and other layers.

    • anon

      I live in the PNW so it’s a raincoat and a lightweight insulated jacket underneath.

  5. career path confusion

    Job decision help! I have been with my current company 5 years, promoted once (March 2020). I generally like my role, have an excellent boss. I was recently approached about applying for a role internally. It’s a totally different function than my current role, but uses a lot of similar skills. My mind is spinning & would love some input.

    I didn’t see myself leaving this function, but new job would have applicable skill set if I moved to a different company in the future. New job would be a step up in pay, the current manager “Kristy” is NOT someone I’d want to work with longterm (micro-managing) but is retiring in August. Her boss “Chad” is who approached me about the role. There is also strong likelihood that I would move into Kristy’s much more senior role once she left. I think I’d like Chad as a manager.
    New job would be a step up in pay, not sure yet how much. Current role doesn’t have as clear of promotion path (my last promotion was a title created specifically for me). New job description is also for someone more senior, more years of experience than I have. (Like, I wouldn’t have applied if not approached because I wouldn’t meet criteria). Which feels like a big compliment to be asked about the role, but also more risk of not actually getting the job.

    If this was an external opportunity, I’d definitely apply and see how it compared once I got to the offer stage. Since it’s internal, and the people I work with currently are the same ones I’d be interviewing & working with in the future, it seems like it could be a mistake to even apply if it doesn’t work out (not offered) or if I didn’t accept the offer. My company does the same extensive interview process for external & internal applicants.

    What would you do? What am I not thinking of?

    • Veronica Mars

      Personally, I would pass. Six months with Kristy would be miserable, and then she may not retire after all. There’s too many what-ifs to make this a good fit for you.

    • Curious

      Absolutely go for it. This is how companies grow talent. Be transparent with current boss from the outset and discuss pros and cons with her. Careers are long, and if she’s smart she wants to see you grow and to grow herself and find a way to re hire you in a more senior position (or be hired by you if you grow faster!).

    • Anon

      You are not burning any bridges if you apply, get the offer, then turn it down. You’ll have time to think of a good way to turn it down if that’s what you decide to do.
      No harm done in applying! I would 100% apply. It is not a commitment that you will take the job.

  6. Anon

    This may be a mom’s site question, but I tend to think that the moms there have kids not yet in school. If you have a school-aged child with autism and they are in public school with an IEP, are there any services that your kid receives at school that you feel are helpful?

    My child got diagnosed very late, after years of passing all autism screenings. There are gross motor delays, social delays, some speech issues, and some emotional regulation issues stemming from bullying. None of these are strictly academic, so they school doesn’t see them as needed, even though they affect learning and participation. I am really not sure what I should be doing b/c we arrived here suddenly and very late and with no instruction manual. [Maybe this school isn’t the right one, but IDK what the right one looks like in our case.] Kiddo is ASD-1, but COVID made it hard to see what ASD-1/2 split would look like when you are socializing with no one but your parents (and school this year but not last year, since it was virtual). I know that the difference b/w all levels is the level of “support,” but my kid is fine with eating, toileting, etc., so is seen as not needing anything b/c so many other kids need so much more.

    HELP!!!

    • Anonymous

      I would ask kiddo’s psychologist if the office has an educational consultant. They can be immensely helpful in suggesting accommodations and services that schools will agree to and that parents may not think of. If the school is resisting providing services, it can help to have the consultant attend the IEP meeting as an advocate. Another possibility is a special education advocacy clinic at a law school.

    • Anonymous

      my autistic son has a pretty extensive IEP (7, diagnosed at 3). w/r/t school services: speech will work on social issues (holding a conversation) as well things like pronunciation. PT would be gross motor delays; i always heard OT is above the belt (handwriting), PT is below the belt. emotional regulation stuff will probably be outside school (look for “social skill groups” – occupational therapy (OT) can also help), but speech, OT and PT you can get inside school. you can look at IEP goals at this goal bank, or ask in a local group. https://adayinourshoes.com/iep-goal-bank/

      my son is on grade level and can communicate but has major behavior/anxiety/ADHD issues – the behavior stuff is most relevant to school. for yours does he have an IEP or do they just want to do a 504?

      • Anon

        My child (4) isn’t autistic but receives OT, and what led us there was gross motor delays and associated behavioral issues. They do lots of physical therapy exercises with her. At least for young children, I’ve never heard that “above the belt/below the belt” distinction.

      • Anonymous

        IEP/504 distinction is really important. At least in our school district, you can only get actual services (as opposed to accommodations such as preferential seating) through an IEP.

    • Anonnnn

      I would think that bullying was an issue the school would have to take really seriously! How does he feel about school? I ask because it’s pretty common for ASD-1 kids to be okay with academics but find the general school environment demoralizing and detrimental. IEPs are generally not enough to transform a harmful sensory or social environment into a good one.

    • Anonymous

      Just FYI there are huge differences between how ASD presents in males and females, most medical guidance is very male-focused, so depending on the gender of your child there are different considerations.

    • No Face

      Through school, my autistic kid gets PT for gross motor delays and speech for social issues (holding a conversation, expressing how you feel, how to ask someone things, etc).

      The IEP with the autism diagnosis is also great for getting access to nonprofits that provide free or low cost services/activities. Like free summer day camp, sports teams for special needs kids, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Just a note also that autistics feel strongly that functioning labels like ASD-1 are harmful (as is the phrase “with autism” – it’s not a handbag, not cancer or something where you can cut it out of the person and have the person remain) – if your doctor is using that language (or pushing ABA or Autism Speaks) find a new one asap.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I’m autistic, I’m not a person ‘with autism’ my autism is an essential in part of my being, sure it means I’m socially awkward but it also means I’m literally a genius.

          • Anonymous

            Well one of the things that often comes with ASD 1 is an IQ that’s several standard deviations above average.

        • lifer

          Considering how broadly autism manifests, I find your comment really …. odd.

          • ToS

            Generalizations about autism are…difficult. In higher ed, we tell people – if you know one person with autism, that is a sample size of one. There is tremendous diversity! Some people who get media attention have done well – which is fabulous. There are multitudes more that are going about their lives across all identities, including race, gender and social class (which can affect access to services)

      • Anon

        How would you phrase it then? ASD-1 is straight out of the DSM and we are t supposed to say Asperger’s anymore.

        • Anon

          Autistic advocates would recommend just saying “autistic.” DSM has not always been a friend to autistic people over the years.

          • Anon

            As a person with a disability, I’ll add that the issue of person first vs identity first language applies to disabilities besides autism. It varies for different disabilities and my particular condition doesn’t have an identity first term, so I don’t feel strongly about it, but I know it’s also preferred for many deaf people and many people prefer disabled person to person with a disability (I personally use both, depending on the context). What pretty much every disabled adult agrees is that they hate the terms special needs or special, which parents of disabled children love to use. So for the sake of your disabled children, remember that their needs aren’t special and there’s nothing offensive about calling someone disabled!

      • Anonymous

        Really? I was under the impression that person-centric language was currently preferred: person with autism, person who uses a wheelchair, person with diabetes, etc.

        • Anon

          I’m the person who commented above. Many people in the disability community prefer identity first language because they think their disability is an inherent part of who they are and can’t be separated from their experience (or as the other person said regarding autism, it can’t be cut out of them like a cancer). They also want to directly take on the stigma of being disabled by claiming it as part of their identity, rather than as something that should be hidden away in euphemisms like special needs. I use both person first and identity first language, depending on whether I want to emphasize disability or not- I’m a language nerd and think that it should be flexible. I generally aim to follow other people’s preferences, though, and both the autistic and Deaf communities are pretty clear about preferring identity first language.

        • LaurenB

          This is exactly what I’ve heard, and I belong to a social organization which has a poster about using / encouraging such person-centric language. Is there ever grace extended if someone says “the wrong thing”?

          • Anon

            Honestly, the problem isn’t the language, it’s the stigma. If we didn’t insist on stigmatizing disability, mental health conditions, race, homelessness, etc., we wouldn’t find ourselves on the euphemism treadmill. For example, I don’t want to hurt people by saying some random thing is crazy, but we’d all be a lot better off if that wasn’t taken as a comment on someone with a mental health condition… who I don’t think is crazy! And we shouldn’t use silly terms like people experiencing homelessness. If we did a better job of treating people with disabilities and mental health conditions and poverty fairly, none of this stuff would matter.

          • Anon

            I wouldn’t say that there isn’t grace extended (people know that people are clueless). But it’s a pretty sure sign that somebody’s been listening to everybody except the majority of the people being referenced.

  7. career path confusion

    I’ve been with my company for 5 years – overall happy, most coworkers are good, been great during the pandemic & have a fantastic boss. Recently I was approached internally about applying to a new job. New job is a different function but supports the same broad team that I currently do. Hadn’t thought about applying for it previously because I’m generally happy, the current manager “Kristy” is very micro-managing, and the description has much more senior requirements listed. Well, turns out Kristy is retiring in a few months. “Chad”, her manager, is the one who reached out to me about applying. I think Chad would be a good manager.

    New job is more senior and would be set up to move into Kristy’s role, even more senior. Not sure what the pay bump would be. It would definitely be a stretch job in some ways.

    If this was external, I’d apply, go through the process and if offered, see if it was worth leaving. Since it’s internal AND with the same people I work with now, it feels like it could be uncomfortable if I apply and don’t get it, or if I get an offer and decide not to take it. Yes, Chad is the one encouraging me to apply, but we have the same extensive interview process for internal & external candidates, and honestly I would not have thought I was qualified for this role based on years of experience, etc. etc.

    I like that new job has more $, more defined path to promotion, and skillset growth. Current job has a great team & manager, possibility of growth (promoted 2020 to a position created for me), still feel like I have more I could do & learn in this role.

    What would you do? I haven’t discussed with my manager yet, though I think he’d be surprised but supportive.
    (last post got eaten)

    • Anon

      “You miss me 100% of the shots you don’t take” – Wayne Gretzky

      “Have the confidence of a mediocre white man” – this group, and me

      Go for it! Make us proud! You’ve got this!

    • Anonymous

      I think you should go for it given the internal support. If you don’t get it, use that as an opportunity to ask Chad what you need to do to develop onto that or a similar role and hold your head high. It sounds like you have a real shot, though.

  8. ALT

    I have $250 in gift cards that I received for the holidays from colleagues that I assist. I don’t know what do do with them—I have 3 in different amounts but they add up to $250. I would like to either buy myself some mid-range jewelry or a new purse (maybe?). Any suggestions?

    Another thought that I had was transferring the corresponding cash amount into my savings buckets for different things and using the GCs on thing like groceries…but that doesn’t sound very fun.

    • Cat

      if these are like, Visa gift cards, highly recommend going to a store rather than shopping online. I’ve never encountered a retailer that made it easy to put $50 on one card, $75 on another, and $75 on a third (unless you’re applying retailer-specific gift cards), but stores can of course do that in person.

    • LaurenB

      Honestly, if there isn’t a specific purse, wallet, piece of jewelry, piece of art, etc. that has been calling your name, I wouldn’t go spending just to spend. If you have to seek it out, it’s not something you want all that badly.

    • Anonymous

      You can’t use gift cards like that online, and I never want to deal with the hassle of trying to return something I bought with a gift card. So I always buy the few things I never return: groceries or dinner out.

    • Anonymous

      I buy Amazon gift cards on my Amazon account with Visa and similar because it’s easier to manage the various cards…once you spend the Visa gift cards, the full amount is just waiting in your Amazon account. It’s the easiest way i know to deal with random gift cards in the most efficient way.

  9. Anon

    To comment on the recommended item for once, if you can wear this style, I envy you. I’m not sure what body type this works on but it’s not mine – I look like a bubbie in her bathrobe.

    • Anon

      Former coworker rocked a similar coat — she is very hourglass shaped (with a very defined waist). I’ve never seen anyone else pull one of these off. On me (skinny up and down) they definitely look like bathrobes.

      • Seafinch

        I have a coat like this that I absolutely love and is a work horse. I am also a very severe hour glass with a defined waist.

    • Anon

      I was just thinking this. I love it on the model, on me it’s a total bathrobe and I am tall, skinny, and easy to dress.

    • LaurenB

      It’s gorgeous, but it’s only for those with defined waists, which sadly I don’t have as I’m very straight up and down.

  10. Anonymous

    Inspired by Scandal – what are your favorite shows for fashion these days? (Is it weird that I wanted to wear everything SG did in Only Murders in the Building?)

  11. Anon

    Help me plan a birthday get together for myself!
    My birthday is coming up soon and I just want to spend a few hours hanging out with my friends and family. I am married with kids and many of my friends are single or married parents. My kids generally know their kids and will play together. I want to invite everyone in a casual way such that there’s food and drink, and kids can hang out and play, and adults can catch up. I’ve met many of these friends in pairs or smaller groups, they don’t all know each other (from different circles and some are from my hobby or older/newer friends).
    Ideally, I would do this at home in a “happy hour/wine, cheese and hang out” way except:
    – there would be a lot of work before (clean up the house, arrange food, do we have enough chairs) and during (serve, refill drinks) in a way that may not be very relaxing for me
    – my husband is in a very busy phase at work and can’t help with the setup etc. at this time – though he will of course attend the party and socialize, but has been working very long days/nights and I don’t want to burden him at all.
    – the good thing about doing it at home is the toys, separate room for the kids, and the potential to play a movie for them or to have them do video games if things got too raucous.

    If I did it at a bar, kids wouldn’t be able to run around and play with their friends – and I would like to have my kids celebrate with me. And my friends will have to figure out babysitting. So I settled on hosting it at a public park. Maybe I can cater food, and the kids can run around (I’ll bring some soccer goals and outdoorsy toys). Outdoors is Covid friendly for mingling different groups. Perhaps I could even hire an entertainer for the kids or a babysitter who can coordinate games so the adults can relax?
    Thoughts? Is a park birthday only for 6 year olds? Do you have other locations that will be easy in terms of catering/cleanup? I also thought about hiring a restaurant banquet room (no separate room for kids = noisy) or a park building (same).
    I want no gifts and no fuss, just to catch up and laugh with my friends over drinks and snacks after a hard year. Please give me ideas.

    • N

      If its warm enough where you are a picnic sounds lovely. I saw a lot of adult park birthday parties me – nsame reasonm – chill events where everyone can comfortably hang out

    • Anon

      I think outdoors at a public park with catered food is a great idea. I’m very Covid cautious (as are most people I know in real life) but would have no problem going to an outdoor event like this right now.

    • Anon

      Our parks are alcohol-free. Maybe check to avoid disappointment?

      We have had good luck with private rooms at breweries.

      • Anonymous

        I swear that half of our family events over the past few years have been held at breweries and cideries. Some have private rooms available. If not you just get there early and stake out tables. Even with kids it’s awesome and zero-effort. At most places you can bring in appetizers you bought somewhere else. A few places serve food and require you to order theirs.

      • Anon

        Thank you, just checked and alcohol is allowed in most parks (some require a permit). Good reminder, I’ll have to make sure to pick accordingly.

    • No Face

      Assuming the weather is okay, I would absolutely attend a birthday gathering at a park. People rent park pavilions for all kind of gatherings. If you get a pavilion near a playground, the kids will have fun without much effort on your part.

      Other options: state park event area, nice community centers.

      After I typed this, I realized you said that home would be your ideal but for the work. You have my permission to gift yourself the labor: deep clean and catering.

      • Minnie Beebe

        Yes to hiring out the labor. You can rent chairs and tables (and a tent for the backyard if you wanted to keep people out of the house, mostly) and have food and drinks catered. With staff!!

    • Anon

      If a park ends up being a no-go, many breweries are family-friendly (I’ve even been to a baby’s first birthday party at one), maybe check out one in your city?

      • Anon

        This. Or scrap including the kids and book a private room at a restaurant for you and your adult friends. Have a grownup party. And at this point I wouldn’t worry about Covid, ymmv. I think reading here skews how most people actually think about it now.

    • roxie

      Honestly I hate that you’re letting your husband totally off the hook here.
      We’re all busy. he can still take some of this on. You would do it for him, I’m willing to bet.

  12. ToS

    Generalizations about autism are…difficult. In higher ed, we tell people – if you know one person with autism, that is a sample size of one. There is tremendous diversity! Some people who get media attention have done well – which is fabulous. There are multitudes more that are going about their lives across all identities, including race, gender and social class (which can affect access to services)

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