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Anon
I hope this is more positive than yesterday’s discussion: in what situations *is* it appropriate to ask out someone you have met professionally? And what is the best way to go about it, because all methods aren’t the same?
In other words, was Harry and Charlotte’s relationship in SATC wrong? Or could it have been wrong if handled differently?
Anon
I think it’s generally fine to ask out someone you meet in a professional context assuming 1) you don’t have a boss-subordinate or patient/client relationship and 2) you only ask once and don’t push it if they say no or ignore it.
The things that made the situation yesterday weird to me were that she’d seen him in doctor-patient context (even if he wasn’t officially “her” doctor) and that she tracked down his personal social media, which feels more invasive than asking out in person or emailing someone at an address they’ve given you.
Anon
Yeah it’s the stalker aspect. I think it would have been weird enough if she asked him on the spot, but to receive a messsge over social media from someone who hunted you down after momentary contact in my role as a professional would be very weird.
Anon
Sending ONE message on social media is not stalking. Words have meaning. Stalking has a definition. I know you’re hiding behind a keyboard, but calling OP a stalker, a creep, and many of the others things she was called yesterday are unnecessary, unhelpful, and why people leave this board.
Anon
Maybe she should stop being a creepy stalker then.
Anon
I’m not one of the people weighing in on the “stalking” conversation above.
Anon at 12:25 pm, yesterday’s poster did something ONCE. Railing on her endlessly is nuts; she can’t undo the past. “Maybe she should stop being a creepy stalker then.” Tell us, genius, exactly what she’s supposed to do NOW that would get you to stop eviscerating her. She did something ONCE. If it’s a bad idea, use clear and calm words to express it; don’t get up on your high horse and whip her.
Anon
Well, a lot of people responded with their opinions. Lots liked her idea. Only later in the day did more people say otherwise. Seemed like a pretty lively discussion.
Anon
If this happened to YOU on SM, you would think it was weird and creepy!
Anon
100% agree.
Anon
It has happened to me on social media and I found it neither weird nor creepy. I just sent a polite response saying I was in a committed relationship, but appreciated the compliment.
Anonymous
Was it awkward the next time you saw them in person?
Anon
No?
I’m not sure what would’ve been awkward about it. A perfectly nice (single) man asked me out on a date. I responded by saying I am in a relationship but thanks for making my day. And he responded by saying “just my luck But thanks for responding“
Anonymous
I thought the idea of leaving the dr a little note at the front desk was cute. Though pragmatically who has time for that – you’d have to run home or to a store to buy paper and envelopes if you didn’t want the entire reception staff knowing you were asking him out. And then write the note and return. Though conceptually it’s cute. It’s not as impersonal as finding his social media. He knows you’ve taken the effort to write a note asking him to coffee and giving him your number. He can call or not.
I mean this is how people did it pre social media. I know a lawyer and court reporter married for 25 years because they found each other cute when he used to come to court. He didn’t want to approach a member of the judges staff lest it offend her or the judge. At some point she slipped him her number and he called.
test run
I wasn’t fully caught up on the thread yesterday, so someone may have already said this but: as someone who works in medicine please don’t do this. It’s a great way to ensure that the clinic staff get literally nothing done for the rest of the day and that poor resident is going to be the subject of endless teasing.
Anonymous
Ok scratch that. Somehow I thought a resident receiving what looks like mail would be NBD in a professional setting. I wasn’t suggesting an open note with no envelope for everyone to read or a pink envelope with hearts with initials in them.
Guess then there really is no way to connect with doctors unless you match with them on an app since many yesterday said social media is inappropriate, a note is inappropriate, directly asking is inappropriate because he’s at work and other doctors and staff may hear. Guess that’s why so many doctors date people from work. Shrug.
Anon
You know there are dating apps where you can meet people who are actually interested in dating, don’t you?
Anonymous
Doctors have lives outside of work and friends and family and tons of non-work interactions. BIL and SIL are doctors who met in undergrad, my uncle is a doctor who met his wife on vacation in Europe on a day tour. My coworker met her dr DH at a running club. DH’s former boss met her Dr DH in a 50+ choir.
Doctors are regular people who interact with tons of people who are not their patients or patients at the same practice. There’s a million ways to meet off apps.
Anon
I was the one who made the suggestion, and I said to put it in an envelope so that the gossipy staff wouldn’t read it.
anon
has anyone read romantic comedy by curtis sittenfeld (sic?) the asking out of one’s doctor is discussed at length
Anon
I’m a professor, which probably colors my response. I think it’s always a bad idea to ask out someone where there are potential professional repercussions, like doctor-patient or teacher-student. Even if it’s not technically off limits once you’re no longer in my class or no longer a patient (this varies- at a lot of schools dating all undergrads is now banned and grad students possibly as well), I’m not touching it with a ten foot pole and it immediately makes me scared that I could somehow end up in trouble or that I was sending inappropriate signals. It would also make me feel like my students weren’t taking me seriously and me feel less confident in the classroom.
It’s also a bad idea to ask out someone whose job is to be nice and possibly flirtatious (waiters, bartenders, etc.), especially if you’re a regular, and anyone else where there’s a power dynamic. But if you’re on equal footing and don’t work together too closely, I don’t see a problem with asking them out when it’s clear the stakes are low and a no is totally okay, at least if it seems like they’re interested (I’d need more than a brief interaction to justify this). I don’t love the social media thing though, I would feel a little violated by that if I had been the doctor, even if he hadn’t locked it down.
Anon
Yup. Also in academia and no ethical professor goes near students even if the student is not officially in your class anymore and reaches out first. Dating any undergrad is banned at all the institutions I’ve worked at, and many people think dating a grad student or postdoc is sketchy even if you don’t directly supervise them.
I didn’t really understand the comments yesterday to the effect of “so many people meet in the workplace.” Yes, tons of people meet in the workplace and go on to have relationships or marriages. But the workplace is professors dating professors or doctors dating doctors. Not professors dating students and doctors dating patients!
Anon
Unfortunately I know a truly appalling number of (male) professors who married their (female) grad students, always as a second, much younger wife. As a young woman, it made me extremely uncomfortable to be around those men and to be in departments where that was common, and I’m glad it’s become less acceptable. It’s not just a problem if the relationship is unwanted (though that certainly does happen), but because they’re clearly not treating students equally if they’re using their classes or labs to look for a wife.
Anon
Yeah it wasn’t uncommon with boomer men but is thankfully becoming very frowned upon. I know a prof who had five wives, progressively younger, and each (including the first!) was his former grad student/postdoc/research assistant. But he is 85 years old.
Ironically he has a bunch of awards for helping women in his male-dominated STEM field because he had far more female collaborators than most male professors.
Anon
Ugh— it happened to me! I was the first wife, and my ex husband “felt in love” with a recently graduated UNDERGRAD! Who he had taught the semester before graduation! He claimed nothing happened while she was a student, but we all know that’s unlikely. They ended up married and moving to a different institution. I will say I was overjoyed to learn recently that all the other professors and staff members hated him after finding out who he was dating right after our divorce.
Cb
Same… I feel like they need to give PhD students an org chart – married couples, divorced couples, women who hate other women, decades long feuds, dude who tried to run over his wife’s lover with his car…
My new department is much less prestigious but so much less dramatic, it’s almost boring
Anon
Yea when I was in undergrad there was a “famous” and handsome professor who would hire an attractive female TA every year. Surprise, surprise, the school ended up with a major me too situation on its hands. I’m hoping this sort of thing is now a thing of the past. I think it’s fine to date your peers at work, but never if there is subordination involved. I’m a lawyer and would never date a client, although I know a young associate who is now married to our former client, a billionaire CEO, and lives a comfortable high society life, so it does happen.
Anon
When I was an undergrad, my married professor, 30 years my senior, relentlessly hit on me. He also hit on some of the grad students.
At the time, the university took the position that it was the responsibility of the person being hit on to communicate that the attention was unwanted and unwelcome. I did that, but I had no desire to sift through power dynamics with a panel and explain that you sometimes go along to soothe a powerful person.
Anon
I am so sorry @10:53.
I remember the big announcement at my prior workplace that the head of office was getting divorced and happened to be dating his secretary – total coincidence, he said! He ran into her socially when he and his wife were “separated and living separate lives” (lie.)
Older Gen X
My law school had a youngish professor who married a woman who had gone to the school (she was never his student) several years after she graduated. They met at an alumni event and she was probably about 10 years his junior and there was still a hypercritical group of female students who thought it was just awful and somehow an abuse of his authority. Arbitrary rules can be taken too far.
But then I was an adult before social media and on-line dating. We dated people we met in professional settings all the time. As someone else said the accepted rule was you could ask someone out once. If they said no – you dropped it and were careful never to treat them differently.
In this case, the worse that happens to that doctor is that he either responds with “that would be lovely”or “thanks but no thanks” or completely ignores her. As long as OP leaves it there, I am struggling to see how this negatively impacts his life in any way. It is not like she tracked down his home address and showed up at his door.
Seventh Sister
I’m a younger GenX and my experience was pretty similar. Peers dated peers pretty often – it’s how I met my husband of several decades – but if you declined a date the matter was dropped, forever. I do remember being grossed out / semi-appalled by one of my college professors dating a current student but the law professor / alum thing sounds perfectly reasonable to me given that everyone is of legal age and way outside of the classroom.
That doesn’t mean that I think the old ways were perfect – I was SO MAD about the whole Bill Clinton scandal and remember a lot of people saying to me to STFU, they were both adults and she knew what she was getting into because she was an intern.
Older Gen X
Your post reminded me of a college professor of mine whose wife was a student at the same university (she did not finish her degree and had gone back to school as their kids were getting older). They had been married for probably 20 years and were in completely different departments (history vs. nursing) in a school with 30K+ students. He had hysterical stories about the hoops the university administration made them jump through.
Anon
I think it’s absolutely fine. Life is a lot longer than any professional interaction and it’s easy enough to disentangle any professional relationship (get another job, lawyer, doctor, whatever). The key is don’t push if you get a “no.”
Anon
Subpoint: don’t push if you get silence or no response
Anonymous
Except that’s ignoring how it feels for the other person. It’s not about how it feels for the pursuer. It’s about how it feels for those pursued. It wasn’t right to look up his info that way. He didn’t invite her to do that. And he has to continue working in that setting and being nice to her whether he gets the ick or not.
For those still not getting it, maybe reverse the genders and imagine it’s your daughter.
Anon
You don’t have to get someone’s permission to message them on social media. It’s really not as invasive as some of you are making it out to be (and yes, I’ve reversed genders and imagined it’s my daughter). Daughter can just ignore the message. You’re all being SO fragile.
PLB
Right?! WTF. I would totally do something like this and if no response or a no, I’d take the L and move on. It’s not that serious. Old me would not but I’ve learned to go after what I want and put myself in situations to do so.
This reminds me of the discussion about online dating and input and all that.
Anonymous
It’s invasive enough to enough professionals not to do it.
Anon
Come on. It’s one interaction. People can say no. It’s not a crazy overreach to say “would you like to have dinner” and there’s a thousand ways to say no to the ask if you’re not interested without creating big awkward feelings.
Anon
There was an interesting discussion recently on the medicine subreddit about the ethics of taking job in one’s rural hometown, where it would be impossible to avoid seeing friends and family as patients. The whole idea was horrifying to urban providers who had only ever had to treat patients they knew personally in emergency situations. But a rural practitioner pointed out that realistically, it is not long before you know all your patients personally, and that is the job.
It made me wonder how a hard rule against dating patients is supposed to play out if you are the only doctor in town, and how small towns are supposed to attract young med school grads if they’re basically forbidden from dating. I’d like to think old school professionalism could be adequate?
Anonymous
It’s extremely rare these days for there to be towns with literally one doctor. Even in a two doctor practice, you can put up walls around the files of one doctor if their patient is dating the other doctor. The issue with yesterday’s post was that the interaction started in a work context where there was a possible doctor-patient relationship.
Anon
I thought it was increasingly common for there to be towns with literally no doctor at all (isn’t this why they’re letting naturopaths serve as PCPs in some states?). Maybe it’s extremely rare because no one is taking the jobs, but the need is there!
Anon
Depends what you mean by “town” probably. My town of ~50,000 has hundreds of doctors. I’d guess a town has to have less than 5,000 people to only have one doctor or not have a doctor at all. And many people who live in such a rural area commute to a bigger city for medical care.
Anon
I wouldn’t call a town of 50,000 people small! It’s certainly not the kind of place where everyone knows everyone.
I know that statistically not many people live in them, but isn’t it still true that about half of US towns have <1000 people?
My point is that there have always been doctors whose professionalism allows them to see patients they know personally and see socially, because that is how many communities still work; there are no strangers. But maybe they are like Byzantine priests and either show up married or stay single; that I do not know.
Anonymous
Doctors don’t date their patients, even in small towns. Doctor- patient relationship doesn’t mean you can’t know the person you treat. My childhood doctor was a university friend of my mom’s. My current doctor went to high school with my sister. Doctors are people. Still not appropriate to hit on them at work.
Fomer Southener
My home town has 1600 people. The entire county of 500 square miles has fewer than 30,000 and it is surrounded by similarly remote and unpopulated places. There are a handful of doctors and while people can drive the 3 hours to the “nearby” big city, I assume that those doctors sometimes treat their family members because there are not a lot of choices.
Anon
I’m not a doctor and don’t know enough about medical ethics to say whether it’s always inappropriate for a patient to ask out a doctor but I’m really not a fan of reaching out on social media. Many of my doctor and teacher friends have switched to using FirstName MiddleName on social media and omitting their last name, specifically to avoid being contacted by patients and students so that feels invasive and inappropriate to me.
Anon
So many of my friends have done this over the last decade. It took me a minute to figure out why everyone’s name was changing, but actually I think it’s pretty smart.
Eliza
Agreed.
Anon
It could be appropriate if one person doesn’t have the leverage to hurt the other person’s career or performance on a whim (losing a client account, affecting what projects they’re staffed on). The right way to go about it is asking them out privately and in a way that doesn’t require an immediate response. I’ve been asked out at my desk in earshot of other coworkers and it was deeply uncomfortable. An email or a note in a sealed envelope that an assistant won’t read first is the way to go. There were some power dynamics at play with Bill Gates’ overtures to his employees but I think the content of his email was spot on: I’d like to go out some time. If you’re not interested feel free to delete this email and we can both act like this never happened.
Anon
This is my sense.
Anon
All I know is I want to hear how this goes/ends! The OP needs to keep us updated!
Anon
The OP is probably not going anywhere near this board again after the comments yesterday.
Anon
Oh, I hope this doesn’t scare her off from coming back with an update. Now we are all interested and obviously there are lots of opinions.
Anon
I want to say in theory it’s okay (because how else will you meet people IRL but in work adjacent settings?!), but I will also add that I’ve been asked out three times in a professional setting, and was icked out each time. (1) Opposing counsel after we finished a really contentious deposition — felt really weird to go from fighting all day to him asking me out as they were leaving. I said no – and got really awkward in all future interactions with him while the case was pending. (2) A guy I met at a networking event who worked at a really prestigious organization gave me his card, and I spent HOURS composing an email about how much I admired his organization, etc. etc., and he sent back a very terse email that he was “not interested in me professionally.” I got so embarrassed I never followed up (ahhhh I was young, and still feel really weird about that one). (3) in college, a full time staffer at the organization where I was an intern asked me out, but did so in a super inappropriate way by commenting on my body (and he was freaking engaged!).
These interactions were all in my youth….so I don’t know if I was just naive and inexperienced, but with the exception of 3, like the poster yesterday, none of them were overtly wrong (not a doctor and patient, but still slight power imbalance? Or just not where my mind was in the setting?), but they all made me really uncomfortable. So, I don’t have a great answer.
Roxie
The staffer/intern one was clearly wrong.
The others were fine because there wasn’t a power differential.
Anon
But they weren’t fine! They all made me feel really gross. Thinking more about the interactions — I was focused, in each case, on being a good lawyer, a good networker, and a good intern. I know (knew?) how to flirt, and these all caught be off guard because I wasn’t flirting when they asked. It undermined my professional confidence bc it made the interactions focused on what I looked like, not my substance. So, opposing lawyer wasn’t sparring with me bc my deposition question skills were top notch. Networker wasn’t asking about my education and interests because he thought I’d be a good fit at his organization. Staffer was actually really gross and inappropriate, but also he wasn’t just talking to me because I was new and far away from home for the first time.
Maybe this nails it from the 12:29: “Me being friendly doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you, hear your thoughts on my body or face, or date you.” Me doing my job doesn’t mean I want you to ask me out! There should be SOME indication of actual romantic interest on both sides if it’s in this setting.
Amen, Anon @ 12:36. I guess with hindsight at least he was very straightforward with his response to me. I am so thankful he didn’t say “let’s grab a drink and discuss your future” ….
Roxie
Honestly and I say this as a feminist – it sounds like you need to build a little more resilience. Someone asking you out and you saying no and them moving on is not traumatic. It’s basic human interaction.
Anon
Roommates, friends-of-friends, alumni or other group events, parties.
Anon
I am mostly in a technical role professionally, but when I was in a sales role, it happened all the time. It was never, ever welcomed and was always icky. Like, dude, I’m being nice to you because I’m here to get you to place your business with my employer. This is my job. Me being friendly doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you, hear your thoughts on my body or face, or date you.
Anon
Exactly, and if ever a man or woman is supposed to be kind, friendly, caring, interested in you….. it is a doctor’s office where we need to establish trust, yet professional boundaries. It is a very difficult balancing act to do well, actually.
And maybe people here don’t realize, but if a young male medical resident started dating someone who was a patient in his clinic, his colleagues would be concerned that he had actually reached out to HER and might stain his reputation, as that is a big no-no. Because how would he have gotten her info? Looked it up on the hospital computer? That may be illegal….. And then stalked her on Facebook, after getting her name from the hospital computer? Just all very bad.
Anon
Looking it up on the hospital computer is indeed illegal! My husband worked in IT for a hospital system, and employees were walked out the door for that behavior.
Anon
Ah yes…. the older established male potential mentor who gives you his card in a work setting and you think…. Score! Future work contact. But that’s not what he wants….
Anon
So it’s fine except when it happens to you?
Anon
I’m not the Anon at 11:37 but can easily think of ways that these interactions could have been handled better.
(1) Wait until the trial has concluded.
(2) Make it clear that the ask is for a date, not a professional contact. Barring that, write a kind reply email saying that his intentions were to ask her out for a date. (Benefit to the latter: if she’s interested but thinks he’s only interested professionally, you haven’t turned her off!)
(3) Don’t hit on women when you’re engaged and don’t ever comment on a woman’s body like that.
Anonymous
I wonder if these interactions happened when you were young because you weren’t as aware when someone testing the waters with you. A few years of dating and I became much more aware of when someone was sounding me out and responded accordingly, rather than honestly. “Have you tried X coffee shop? They have the best chocolate cake…”.
Anonymous
Harry was her lawyer because Charlotte was attracted to her first lawyer and dropped him as her lawyer. She picked Harry as her lawyer because she wasn’t attracted to him. They only got together after the divorce when she was no longer his client.
DH and I met at work in a colleagues type scenario. He suggested a couple of non-romantic out of work public get togethers (art show, movie) and then asked me on a date after a few flirty interactions in the non-work setting.
Wedding Guest Jewelry
Help me find some costumey earrings to wear for a wedding I’m attending in a few weeks. I’m wearing a plum dress and beige shoes. I’d like some fun earrings to wear with it. Budget in the $30 range. Prefer something colorful I could wear with other dresses as well. Likely wearing my hair up and no other jewelry except for my wedding rings.
Moose
How about these?
https://inkalloy.com/products/pmer1001am?variant=42714718437569&tw_source=google&tw_adid=695081895810&tw_campaign=21142904774&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw9Km3BhDjARIsAGUb4nzFAAPdLFGnKVXdmCnONZnbfuttKN4V3gn7oSVTe_iv2CMk52aXNOAaAhocEALw_wcB
Anonymous
I’d go for ‘gold’ metal and maybe a pink or purple stone. It sounds like your shoes are warm and the pink/ purple will play nicely with your dress and be a bit more dramatic than a crystal.
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/bling-jewelry-unique-geometric-daning-teardrop-ball-teardrop-multi-shape-oval-3-multi-tier-party-dangling-earrings-in-gold-plated?ID=16617377
If you’d rather do something more neutral I’d go big and gold or big and crystal
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/adornia-gold-cascade-earrings?ID=19467152
https://www.amazon.com/Mariell-Zirconia-Crystal-Earrings-Bridesmaid/dp/B07KPNLK69/ref=sr_1_33?crid=37HPL0XI2CMJF&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.punYs3bxIt1-xk9z838iTQs-fbdc9JtKIcmW9tnHxwhkyHvx7eQlH8SpLaZbutW1aHAiRpabIBcyZ-Gm4luQabUuVy9VVIAlUM-omqk0_YDuYS2o-GUmF2t6xwSKxBtd6qlThObtXB79jx9p66KsZb_ZFIExfXfnDUf2mxfIuFVUHWDBSyiFYypwK1-J4pbT1cF9bIIsRg21Ozk3OychM0zxmDREzyhpe4N2eaMJiWrBlcM1T9_0iM9Pcs4B-xXaxBFzGFumyBYeAspCz1m2UOXaak1YfktCskV0fAl29AU.29W71TLIKLVCb_0M2PVahx2CAUu1aRjzjqJCbPMmXHw&dib_tag=se&keywords=gold%2Band%2Bcz%2Bchampagne%2Bearrings&qid=1726669681&sprefix=gold%2Band%2Bcz%2Bchanearrings%2Caps%2C138&sr=8-33&th=1
Anon
I’d recommend checking out Etsy for “Polymer clay” earrings. There are so many different styles and be really colorful. Most are rarely over $30.
Anonymous
Does anyone have a granola bar they like that tastes less sweet to them? It doesn’t need to be those bars that are only sweetened with fruit or dates but generally something that doesn’t taste candy bar sweet. As I’ve cut sugar, things that I used to grab for convenience before like Nature Valley bars now taste irritatingly sweet though admittedly I have not tried every flavor of Nature Valley.
Anon
KIND bars are decent for this.
Anon
+1. I like the KIND breakfast protein bars (not really a protein bar, they just have some soy protein for slightly higher protein than a normal granola bar).
Anon
Kind ones are OK but I swear nut bits and seeds find tooth crevices to hide in too often to eat outside of my house. I really like the fig bars (or fig newtons in a pinch). I know, not a granola bar. But they have fiber and after making my own granola over the pandemic, am aware that the ingredients that make granola delicious, so have become open to the fig bars.
Anon
Kind bars are so sweet they make my teeth hurt.
Anon
Also RX or Lara bars.
Olivia Rodrigo
It’s not a bar, but I like MadeGood granola minis for this reason. Available in single-serve packs at Costco.
Anon
Going anon because I recommend them so often, lol, but Jimmy bars are my favorite. Citrus Burst is my current go-to.
Anon
Gatorade makes a protein bar that isn’t too sweet. Chewy and filling enough to serve as breakfast in a pinch, without leaving me feeling like I ate a snickers.
Anonymous
I like RX bar Minis. Only 100 calories and tastes like fruit, not sugar.
NaoNao
Nature Valley actually came up with savory options–BBQ, spicy, and cheddar. They’ll likely be more on the cracker side, but they do exist.
CR
I stopped eating granola bars for this reason and now buy the single-serving trail mix packs at Trader Joe’s. The least sweet one has almonds, cashews, and cranberries. I’ve also tried BoBos (kinda dry) and these tea biscuits from Olrya (fairly tasty) https://a.co/d/grP2CGu
Anon
Just wanted to touch on some of the concern/outrage in yesterday’s comments. DEXA scans are very popular in some large metros. BodySpec is the vendor in the Bay Area and a few other metros. They’re pretty affordable and getting occasional scans to check body composition is not extreme. Besides just body fat and lean muscle it measures your visceral fat and of course your bone density. I have had a few pretty young friends (under 35) get theirs and be shocked by either their visceral fat or their bone density. It prompted them to start making healthy changes and begin new conversations with their doctor.
Also, eating over 100 grams of protein a day is neither difficult nor extreme for those of us actively trying to build muscle.
Someone mentioned Dr. Stacy Sims the other day. While I certainly don’t do everything she talks about, she and many doctors like her have a lot of interesting insight for women’s health and longevity. These are not crazy fringe beliefs.
Of course, work with your doctor. Everyone’s health needs are different but the above is not crazy body builder fringe behavior.
Anonymous
Lol at the idea that “being popular in the Bay Area” implies “not fringe”. Y’all nuts out there.
Anon
I live here and yeah, this.
Anon
Same. And I’ve lived through a zillion fads that were “not fringe” and incredibly popular, like Fat Free everything, Atkins, Keto, etc. I put the protein fad in the same category and I also haven’t noticed a bunch of sudden models running around either.
Anon
It’s the sort of thing Eddie would have done on AbFab.
Anon
Lifelong Bay areab and the first place I heard about this supposed “trend” was on here, so no. My friends are not flocking to get extra x-rays for fun.
anon Silicon Valley
+1 I’ve lived in the Bay Area for a couple of decades and have only heard about this trend on this forum. Some people doing something new in a region of nearly 8 million people doesn’t make it a “thing” for the region.
On the other hand, eating amazing produce that farmers bring here from the Central Valley? Absolutely a thing for the Bay Area and has been for decades.
Sunshine
I’m in Texas and know a lot of people who have done them, including me a few years ago. Maybe we are just opposite fringe of the Bay Area?
There are a lot of people, including me, who are taking care of their bodies and want and like data about what’s going on with their insides. DEXA is a pretty cheap way to get good information. It isn’t required if it’s not for you.
Anon
I live in Arkansas and can name a few places in my city to get a DEXA scan privately to check your body composition. We are certainly not fringe when it comes to preventative health measures like this! (Fringe in other ways, unfortunately)
Anon
Yeah, I have an aunt who had osteopinia, but you’d have easily guessed she needed a scan by looking at her. She looks tiny even for a little person. I am like Ilona Maher’s much shorter mother, so I’d expect to have very dense bones (lifetime of shoveling snow, carrying heavy backpacks, touring the facilities and picking up slack). But I’d like to know. At some point of being old, do they test everyone? Or just wait to break that first hip or wrist?
Anon
I don’t know the answer to your question, but I have a good friend who pushed hard for one when she was 45 bc she’s very small and has a family history of bone density issues. Her doctor thought she was kind of crazy but authorized the test. She had osteopenia!
My grandmother never had a DEXA scan, and she lived into her 80s. She definitely didn’t look like the stereotypical person with osteoporosis and had no family history. So from that anecdata of 2 people, I don’t think it’s common for every woman to get one at a certain age.
Anonymous
Osteopenia is shockingly common. And just because you have “thicker” bones does not mean that they can’t be osteopenic or less “dense.”
Digby
All the bonus points for the Cake reference! Thanks for asking me laugh.
Digby
Oh, and to answer your question: Medicare covers them every other year for women starting at age 65, and for men starting at age 70. Private (non-Medicare) insurance will likely cover at younger ages if a doctor certifies a scan as medically necessary.
Anon
I’ve had a DEXA scan because I had a broken bone in menopause and my grandmother had osteoporosis. But my DEXA scan was the standard medical variety that told me how dense my femur and spine were compared to other people in my age group. They did not give me any kind of novelty information like muscle or fat composition.
In other words, I used a medical tool for medical reasons. Not for vanity nor for fun.
Anon
I have a family risk of osteoporosis on both sides of the family, so at my request my doctor ordered one when I was about 55 and I just had another one because I do have osteopenia and we’re tracking the progress. I started weight training and weight bearing exercise (walking mostly) long before that because of my familial risk and I had a colleague that was diagnosed and they put her on a treadmill regime that was pretty intense, so I read up on what interventions that I could make. I was a runner for a pretty long time 20s – late 30s but my right knee no longer supported running.
Did not get any other information other than bone density related information, my doctor did not push back in any way about getting the test, was very supportive.
Sallyanne
Vanity, novel, fun? Hmmm, maybe check your judgment. Some of us are very interested in health and wellness and want to explore the tools to help us along.
Anon
I don’t live in CA but I’d agree that they’re trendy right now in the health and wellness space.
Anon
I feel like I don’t need this but am in the season of life where I can throw $ at the problem and just find out. Do you walk I. Or schedule an appointment?
Randomly, I’m a regular blood donor and feel like getting vitals every other month has been good over the decades of my adult life. The place I go also measures cholesterol. Cancer or an accident or dementia may get me in the end but I’ve made tweaks long ago that are now automatic habits (eating beans where possible and red meat as a filet or in something like ropa vieja).
Anon
You have to make an appointment and in some areas they book out quite far out.
Anonymous
I don’t think there’s anything wrong per se with following Dr. Sims’ recommendations, but the idea that hers is “the way” and you’re doomed if you don’t is cringey Her underlying premise is correct – women with more strength age better. Beyond that, it’s all a bit of conjecture. There aren’t long term studies backing up most of her claims.
Anon
OP here and I agree with this. I think everyone should do what works for them and their doctor.
My only point was the concepts are not fringe or crazy.
Nonny
Minneapolils clinic booked dexa 6 mo out in May, followup call to try to get in early because of major bone degeneration found incidentally – next appt is in Apr. 2025 and they dont have a cancel waitlist for patients, but said to literaly call daily they in hopes that someone will cancel and you can take their place if you can be flexible to come in right away
anon
So, I didn’t read yesterday’s post, but agree that DEXA scans are pretty easy to get for body comp – there are some national chains that will do DEXA and VO2 max testing as a package. Also, I do powerlifting non-competitively, and I definitely have found that getting a lot of protein (over 100g / day) is necessary for me. I just couldn’t progress my lifts until I really focused on my protein intake.
(side note – I started taking creatine to help with peri brain fog, and that was also awesome for my lifting. not surprising but I don’t take a very large dose and wasn’t expecting it)
Anon
Fair enough. The point is, just because there are money making chains trying to get you to buy into this does not mean it is a good idea. And you are a body builder for your own personal needs/interests/desires and a miniscule percentage of women are powerlifters and your goals are different than what is safe or recommended for most people.
Anon
The point doctors are making is that no doctor orders these as medically necessary and these is available because private investors/bloggers/trend setters have found it to be a lucrative avenue.
Doctors and their patients tend to know when they need to be healthier, and we have a lot of parameters to follow to indicate changes should be made in diet, exercise, sleep, stress reduction etc… Suggesting a type of “DEXA” scan – which are xrays – could or should be done regularly to monitor body fat regularly is incorrect. What professional athletes do for peak performance should never be used as a guidepost for regular folks. No one is monitoring these athletes until their death to see the repercussions of their habits, and they are physical outliers to begin with.
Using the word DEXA scan here is misleading – this term is used in the medical community to look at bone density only for determining osteopenia/osteoporosis. Traditional DEXA scans your endocrinologist or PCP would order to check bone density to NOT routinely say anything about body fat composition.
Maybe this is an unfortunate end result when medical topics get discussed everywhere on the internet these days without medical input. “Do your research” is a vague… and useless recommendation unless you can digest the scientific literature.
So hey… go right ahead and pay out of pocket for extra radiation every year or two to give yourself more “data” to guide your workouts. Whatever.
Anon
Doctors are still out there using BMI to assess body composition and ordering CT scans when MRIs would do the job because they don’t want to fill out more paperwork. I don’t believe they can just tell when a fit looking person has a lot of visceral fat or early onset osteopenia, and it’s news to me that they care this much about radiation.
Anon
MRIs are incredibly expensive compared to CT scans. That’s why there’s a lot of paperwork. I’m not sure I get your point, but your doctor, and your insurance should not be paying for your body composition scan, which is not medically necessary.
Anon
+1
Anon
There is a lot of preventive care that doctors and insurers are reluctant to pay for because not many people have the resources to follow up on it. The way I see it, everyone with the resources and inclination to invest is an outlier, not just competitive athletes.
Anon
Agree with Anon at 1:36 PM.
Certainly a lot of this preventative treatment is expensive and unattainable for many. I also think it’s kind of a cottage industry for the affluent. Still, that doesn’t mean that it’s only for fringe body builders.
fallen
I have mentioned it before but I got one at 35 and learned that I had osteoporosis. After mentioning to friends have learned of several stories of people (mostly women with low BMIs) who have osteoporosis in their 30s and 40s and some who learned when they fractured in their 50s 60s because it was so severe by then. I am so glad I got one because it allowed me to make huge lifestyle changes that will hopefully prevent disability after menopause. I think that everyone who is low-ish bmi should get one for bone density reasons. I wish I got mine in my 20s.
Anon
I got some Hermes scarves back when I had a job that paid out periodic bonuses. It’s long enough ago that I was probably wearing opaque black tights all winter and maybe 3″ wedge heels. Still, they are classics, yes? I think this fall I’d want to try them around my cold neck when wearing a crew-neck sweater, but wonder if long-term, being next to moisturized neck skin (or sunscreened neck skin) is just a recipe for disaster. OTOH, they will last forever if never worn, which was not the point of buying them.
Anon
I would not wear if you have sunscreen on. Can you skip neck moisturizer/sunscreen the days you wear the scarf since your neck will be mostly covered and presumably mostly indoors?
Anon
Following because I also have one and it’s beautiful and just sitting in a box.
Anon
Same!
Anon
I wear mine all the time. I don’t believe in letting the good stuff sit in a cabinet or box. Clothes are meant to be worn. If they end up ratty eventually, get another one.
anon
Same. But I say this as someone who will have the ability to buy a new (insert fancy thing) when if it gets ratted up. I wear a scarf maybe one or twice a month but generally with fairly formal work attire. Like a solid business dress with a scarf rarely looks dated, but it will never look trendy.
Anon
I think they’re classic in the sense that Hermes has been making them forever, but scarves as accessories is not really a thing right now.
Cat
I somewhat disagree. The 2000s skinny scarf, 2010 infinity scarf, 2016 blanket scarf, yeah, no.
But a neatly tied silk scarf can be a power move. Watch videos for ideas for different knots, shapes, etc.
Anon
+1
Anon
Or you just look like a flight attendant.
Anon
Sure, if you’re also wearing a flight attendant uniform.
Midwest Girl
Sure, if you’re also wearing a flight attendant uniform.
Midwest Girl
OK, how weird. That was not my comment. My comment was that I know someone who frames their Hermes scarves and hangs them in her home. Did I somehow cut and past anon at 12:01??
Anon
No it’s a bug that’s been happening for at least a few weeks.
HSAL
Weird tech blip, two other people mentioned the same thing happening the other day.
Anon
I collect Hermes scarves and wear them often so I vote for ‘classic’. Fwiw I work in a very formal office/profession and a silk scarf with a suit or worn long over a suiting dress reads more ‘power move’ than outdated to me in that context. I also think it’s a fun conversation point – a lot of men in my office wear Hermes ties so they recognize and admire some of my older/vintage finds.
Anonymous
I have found silk pretty resilient if you have a good dry cleaner. I would wear and not worry about it.
Anon
I believe I’ve seen something online about how to hand wash Hermes scarves. It can change the look and feel of the silk, but actually I like the feel of washed silk.
I am a knitter and I love to wash all of my fibers because I like how water changes them – always for the better, in my experience. So I would wash my Hermes scarf if I actually wore it, which I don’t unfortunately.
Anon
I am sacrilegious and would just handwash them with synthrapol in the water if the colors might bleed.
Lorelei gilmore
I have a Hermes scarf that I love but when I put it on last week with a simple blue sheath dress for a big event, I realized that it made me look like a flight attendant. I need to find a different way to wear it!
Anon
Yes, this is why I never wear little neck scarves!
Anon
I would go on the Icelandic knitting trip from yesterday but would like an hour spent on silky scarves and WTF to do with them. They are lovely but I am just a C- scarf person.
Anonymous
If all else fails, I think they are very cute tied around the strap of a purse.
Anon
Well, don’t wear it with a sheath dress, that’s also what flight attendants wear.
Cat
I like to fold scarves in a way that they almost act as a turtleneck under a crewneck sweater. Or leave the tails out if I want more color.
anonamouse
Abigail Goodman on Instagram is an Hermes-focused influencer who has lots of good video tutorials for scarf styling ideas, and she is quite young with modern style. She also IDs scarves worn in movies and shows, and posts about the art and designers of the scarves. If wealth-flaunting will annoy you she’s not a good follow, but if you can get past it she has good ideas and some interesting content :)
Been There
I have a new audible credit and I’d like to get a self-development book. Has anyone read (or listened to) a book in this genre lately that you felt really made a difference in your life?
Anon88
How to Do Nothing was great for inspiring me to spend less time on screens and engage more in my local environment.
How to Be Yourself – I have social anxiety and loooooved this book. I might listen to it again soon, actually.
Anon
I am reading How Women Rise right now and find it very practical.
Hootster
Four Thousand Weeks was a fantastic perspective shifter. I listened to it when it first came out, and should relisten. Not your typical self-development.
anon
Agree. I still think about Four Thousand Weeks regularly.
DC Pandas
Love love love!
In the same vein, From Strength to Strength is a great read about finding fulfillment in the second half of life.
Anonymous
10% Happier by Dan Harris.
Pompom
Likeable Badass, The Portfolio Life, What Happened to You
Olivia Rodrigo
I’m on sabbatical until next summer thanks to a generous severance package, and am thinking more and more that I want to go into consulting in my field. I’ve had several orgs approach me for consulting proposals without my putting out my shingle/advertising that I’m open to these arrangements, and that makes me cautiously optimistic about what could happen if I actually put some time and effort into networking and marketing. We live in a small market so I also have more limited job options unless I want to drive 40+ minutes one way (my industry lends itself mostly to hybrid but not fully remote work).
I’m fortunate that my spouse carries our benefits and I don’t have a pressing need for income — if I don’t work, we’ll feel it, but we’ll still eat. I’ve also done the math and I can work very part-time hours and still make as much as I made in my prior in-office role (even after the big tax bite).
I like the flexibility of choosing my own projects, working around my kids’ schedules (we have three, and spouse has an inflexible job so much of the day-to-day falls to me), and (more than anything) having so much control over my own time. Would love to hear from those of you who have made the jump to self-employment in any field. Pros? Cons? Words of encouragement?
Anon
Give it a try while you still have severance as a cushion. If you don’t like it or it’s doesn’t math the way you want you can always pivot. I just wouldn’t wait to get started.
Anon
I haven’t done it but it sounds like a win-win to me so I say go for it
Anon
I did this four+ years ago and I’m still doing it. I’m at the point now where I’m turning away business so it’s going well.
I formed an LLC to protect my personal assets and I buy professional liability insurance. Beyond that, my business is growing through word of mouth, and didn’t do much to make it happen other than turn out a good, professional work product.
One thing I am always willing to do is to speak at a professional meeting, which I’ve always enjoyed, so that’s the extent of my branding/advertising.
Anonymous
I was in a similar situation and ended up going back to full-time work. I had trouble getting clients to pay my invoices, issues with scope, etc.
Anonymous
Do it! I started a decade ago and have never looked back. My spouse carries our benefits and we have financial flexibility in that the actual amount of $$ we need to live doesn’t require me to have tons of business. I usually do, and that’s our vacation/renovation/overstuff the savings account money, but if things are slow we don’t freak out.
Anon
I have an older family member who lives alone, far from family. He felt unwell — dizzy and unsteady on his feet, both unusual for him, and his doctor told him to go to the hospital (but not to drive). He went to the ER by ambulance, where he was evaluated for a stroke (negative) and admitted for several days (likely in part due to age / symptoms and in part due to being a solo elderly person who was unwell). There wasn’t really a plan for him. He wasn’t approved for discharge to rehab because nothing was really wrong with him. But the hospital told the family that he couldn’t be left alone and needed someone with him 24 hours a day. When the family said that they’d pay for a respite stay in a skilled nursing facility nearby that had a bed, he was discharged on a Friday evening with little notice to the family (a flight away, which my cousin had planned for on Sunday). The paperwork to the facility (that wasn’t in MyChart) had a dementia diagnosis (that was never mentioned to the family, but nothing else. My understanding is that you never move facilities on a weekend or at night because no one is there and you’ll be left alone all weekend but at least fed a puree until you can pass a swallowing test.
1. Is this how it is with hospitals? This is scaring the cr@p out of me because I won’t even have younger family when I’m older or something suddenly goes wrong.
2. If people have HIPAA waivers and durable POAs that include health care, why hide a dementia diagnosis from family? Who do they think will have to figure out how to go forward?
3. Does Medicare pay for ambulances? IDK if my cousin needs to pay the bills that are coming in or submit to insurance or what, but they are $$$ in a rural area.
What am I missing? Clearly, I am out of my element but this is a family project now to try to pitch in and help.
Anon
I am sorry you are going through this. And yes, this has matched my experience with US hospitals with older patients.
Ambulance services are covered under Medicare Part B but only in certain circumstances and are not 100% covered. I have been successful with negotiating with the ambulance service provider (our area has private companies who provide the services) to significantly reduce ambulances costs for my parents that were not covered.
I also learned that for a set (very reasonable) fee per year, they can get unlimited ambulance rides. I immediately paid the fee and signed them up. My father was so excited by this bargain (and clearly misunderstood when you use an ambulance), he tried to get an ambulance to take him to and from the grocery store.
Anon
Haha. My mother, famously, got the ambulance drivers to pull through a Starbucks drive-through for her latte as they were transporting her between medical facilities. Of course she treated the drivers to a coffee as well.
Anon
I like your mother’s style!
NYNY
There’s a lot here, but I can answer some of it. Hospitals discharge patients when they are medically cleared to leave and have been accepted by the next facility. Often, the next facility doesn’t have staff able to accept the patient overnight or on weekends, but that varies. If the SNF took him, they had enough staff on duty to take care of him.
If your relative showed up at the ED by ambulance, by himself, it’s not clear that the hospital has the necessary waivers and POAs and healthcare proxies on file. And even if they did have all the paperwork, hospital staff may be cautious about disclosing sensitive information over the phone. When the family was told he could not be by himself, did they learn why? This is likely where the dementia diagnosis would come in. Although I’ll also note that dementia is hard to diagnose without knowing a patient’s cognitive baseline, and hospitalization is disorienting, so that may not be a definitive diagnosis.
As far as the bills, your cousin should not pay anything without an EOB from Medicare and any secondary coverage your relative receives. Medicare pays for ambulances when medically necessary. It’s a subjective test, but it sounds like the initial ambulance should be covered, although there may be coinsurance or deductible owed out of pocket. The transport between facilities may or may not be covered, because the family took responsibility for the SNF stay.
Digby
1. Yes, I think this is how hospitals are. They’re a bit chaotic, and not great at communicating and scheduling discharges. The hospital presumably wanted to discharge ASAP if the hospital stay was no longer medically necessary – they wouldn’t be able to bill for a further stay.
2. I had a similar experience with my parent, and I wonder if providers are reticent to discuss dementia because families (and patients) often react badly to it, since there are no effective treatments or cures. So providers focus on the physical issues in front of them, rather than the dementia.
3. Yes, Medicare covers ambulances. Based on what you’ve said, it sounds like Medicare may cover the ambulance to the hospital, and also from the hospital to the skilled nursing facility – but the usual caveats apply: it all depends on how the providers code the services, and what documentation is provided.
Anon
Alzheimers is not curable, but many forms of dementia are treatable and somewhat reversible.
Anon
There are also a lot of transient states that can look like dementia. You’re not always getting enough blood to your brain when you’re lightheadedness and unsteady! UTIs in older patients are notorious for causing transient confusion that can be mistaken for dementia. Encephalitis gets misdiagnosed as dementia. Hospital delirium, etc. I think there needs to be follow up after a hospital stay before they really know what’s going on.
Anon
As an MD hospitalist, I’m so sorry this happened to your family. I see things like this quite a bit unfortunately. Often family out of town thinks “I will come see them when they are out of the hospital and we know what is going on” mistakenly believing that the hospital is going to solve all the problems and come up with the perfect next steps for the patient. Elderly folks are often terrible reporters of their symptoms and their home life, are often quite good at hiding significant cognitive decline, and will say what they think they need to say in order to go home ASAP. The best thing you can do for an elderly loved one in the hospital is fly in and be with them for as much of the hospital stay as you can WHILE tests are being done and plans are being made. I understand this isn’t always possible and can be quite expensive and time consuming, but after years of doing this work I would never leave an elderly relative in the hospital alone and count on phone calls to update me. Especially if there are several out of state family members expecting updates, no one is going to get the whole picture from the care team and the care team isn’t getting the whole picture from the elderly patient or a couple phone calls with family.
I suspect sharing “he cannot be left alone and needs someone with him 24 hours a day” was sharing the dementia diagnosis. It may have been phrased as “memory loss” or “cognitive impairments” or “he isn’t safe to be home alone due to inability to care for himself”. Most people don’t get a definitive diagnosis of dementia/Alzheimer’s in the hospital, they need some time to recover from their acute illness and then get more testing with PCP or neurology for a definitive diagnosis. If the family member hearing this news immediately focused on how to provide that 24/7 care I can see how they didn’t have time to consider WHY 24/7 care was being recommended, but it was probably the dementia that led to that recommendation.
Unfortunately, I cannot keep people in the hospital until family finds time to fly in to see them. If their acute medical problems are stabilized (no longer dizzy and not having a stroke) and they are left with chronic problems (memory loss, dementia) then their insurance will stop paying for their hospital stay. If we have a safe place for them to discharge, like a Skilled Nursing Facility with 24 hour supervision, then they get discharged and follow-up planned with their PCP and/or the appropriate specialist to continue working on their chronic problems. SNFs vary in quality quite a bit, but the ones in my area won’t accept new admissions unless they have an RN on site to do an intake. The nurses follow my discharge orders for diet, medications, physical therapy, occupational therapy, follow-up appointments, etc until the MD/PA/NP they employ can see the patient and update or change anything that needs updating. No one should be eating purees all weekend, but unfortunately at lower quality nursing facilities I could see this happening.
It is FAR from perfect, and if I was to design a healthcare system it would be much different. I’m not saying this is right and certainly isn’t the most beneficial system for patients and families. I also worry about how I will manage when I’m older and vulnerable! The key take away I would share is to GO to the hospital and BE there for the discussions that are taking place each day.
Thanks
I’m not the OP but thank you for this, very helpful
anon
My experience is the hospital should have had some sort of patient advocate that met with him and asked his intentions. One thing I can’t tell based on your info.. did you have multiple family members calling the hospital or one main person? I have found it works better if there is one person who gets presented as POA, point of contact, etc. They can then update other family members. It’s also worth having a conversation with your family member about what he wanted to happen. If he was comfortable to go home on his own, he should have been able to do that via discharge process, even if against the doctor advice.
Ranoma
As a follow up to the Ramona Quimby nostalgia on Monday: Audible has the complete collection (35 hours!) for one credit, read by Stockard Channing. My kid is obsessed and has listened the whole way through about 4 times. I think it’s mostly still appropriate, other than her calling the wild playground boys “yard apes,” and the dad smokes, but Ramona is very mad and he’s trying to quit. I’ve just told my daughter not to call people that.
Lorelei Gilmore
Plus one for the audio versions! Stockard Channing is great.
Anon
If anyone needs some sunshine, the Hever Castle tour gentlemen reading the very Gen Z script is lovely. Pop off, queen!
anon
I have no idea what any of this means.
Anon
It’s a TikTok thing.
Anon
Also on Insta. It is so charming, like when during COVID the head security guy of The Cowboy Museum was also put in charge of their twitter feed. Hashtag The Cowboy. Also a charming read.
Anon
I found it on Reddit. Slay!
Gen X mom of Gen Z here.
NaoNao
Translation:
“If anyone on this board needs a mood pick me up, there’s a video of a tour guide for the Hever Castle who is reading a Gen Z script which is full of slang and trendy sayings. It’s funny because of the contrast between the very obvious elderly guide vs. the youthful slang.”
“I enjoyed that, keep going, cool person [meaning the tour guide].” is the translation of the last line.
HSAL
My 43 year old self is both appreciative and entertained.
Dc visit
My husband and I are taking our 11 year old son to DC for fall break in October. We are planning for Air and Space Museum; Washington Monument observation deck and White House tour. We are staying near the Mall and won’t have a car.
Please give me all your tips and suggestions for can’t-miss things we should add to the itinerary including restaurants and places to blow off steam.
Thank you’Rettes!
Anon
If you were a fan of The Americans, the Rezidentura is actually the Russian Consulate, on 16th between L and M.
Anon
we loved Planet Word. I also think at that age the children’s exhibit at the Holocaust Museum is appropriate, well-done and important.
Anon
I look my 10-year-old to the Holocaust Museum last year. It was a powerful experience for him – he read literally every exhibit, I think we were there for 2.5 hours and he had a lot of questions afterwards.
Other big hits: Ford Theater (we saw a show and checked out the museum), Lincoln Memorial at night, Portrait museum for the presidential paintings, and the truly amazing gift shop at the National Archives museum.
Anon
I’d include the National History Museum, the Holocaust Memorial, the Spy museum (if that would be of interest to your kid), and the National Museum of the American Indian (which also has a great cafeteria!).
Anon
Totally a ‘know your kid’ thing, but at 10 we started making my kids responsible for 1 day of our intinerary each. They were in charge of picking an AM/PM activity and making a suggestion for a place to eat (either lunch or dinner). We talked about how to research points of interest, using Google maps to plot out how to get to the activities, accounting for travel time, scouting out restaurant menus/reviews, buying advance tickets, etc. It made them much more excited for ‘their’ days, and it really made them aware of the time/energy it takes to plan activities when we go on vacation. We also don’t live in a big city so making them aware of how to navigate public transit, pay attention to street signs, etc. was a good life lesson.
Anon
My kid is grown and launched, but I love this so much and if he was 10 today, I’d be following this example! You are a great parent.
Anon
My 12-year-old really enjoyed the Spy Museum. Buy tickets in advance.
Olivia Rodrigo
Came here to say this. I highly prefer free museums with our three kids b/c you just never know who’s going to be in A Mood and want to leave early, etc., but we did the Spy Museum last summer and it was the best museum visit we’ve ever had as a family! Without exception all five of us loved it, including our mixed-gender, varied-interests brood aged 9 – 13 at the time of visit. Highly recommend.
PolyD
If you are at the Spy Museum, the Wharf is just a short walk away and is lovely when the weather is nice.
If you use the L’Enfant Plaza metro stop to get there, do not hesitate to ask someone how to get out of the station. It’s rather a labyrinth.
Anon
The post office museum is pretty great! And the botanical gardens are fantastic, too. The Zoo has a lovely elephant walk and a red panda. There’s also just lots of walking along the river and/or hiking if you want to get into nature.
Anon
Oh yes, the zoo is fantastic.
Anon
i actually think the zoo is fine, but not unique if you have a zoo where you live for a kid of this age
Anon
I went to DC around that age and we went to an FBI/spy museum which really stands out in my memories, not sure if it still exists!
Anon
The Capitol Tour is great (better than the White House and easier to get into). If you don’t already have Washington monument tickets the post office pavilion (at the Waldorf Astoria) is a similar easier free view.
Standard tourist rec is old ebbitt grill for a sit down lunch. I also love bindaas bowls and roles (near-ish the mall, fast casual version of Raskia Indian, my forever favorite restaurant).
Anonymous
At that age I really loved a tour of the FBI, if that is still a thing. The Spy Museum, which I visited as an adult, is also great, but I remember the FBI more.
Senior Attorney
This might be too nerdy, but I loved the National Archives where you can actually see the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. And a huge plus one to the Museum of Natural History!
Anonymous
I loved the archives too, but beware that the guards get mad if you actually try to look at the documents! They just want you to shuffle past and not to lean over the cases to read.
Anon
Just mentioning this in case you aren’t already tracking: you need reservations for the White House coordinated through a member of your Congressional delegation. If your child’s fall break is about a month from now and you haven’t already submitted, you may not get tickets.
For a Congressional tour, you can arrange that yourself through the Congressional Visitor Center. They’ll take you through the cool underground areas, but if you want to sit in the gallery above the chamber floor, you’ll need signed passes from your lawmaker’s office.
No Problem
Just chiming in to say you’ve gotten a lot of good suggestions, but don’t overdo it. Being on your feet, walking all over, and standing in lines is tiring. Plan for two museums or tours per day, with a long lunch break in between if possible. If you want to squeeze in more, you need to just do a single exhibit or portion of a museum and then leave. Like if you go to the Natural History Museum, plan to do just the gems and minerals or the oceans exhibit and nothing else. The Spy Museum is awesome but it’s not really set up to do just one exhibit, so you need to plan several hours for it and expect to need a break afterwards. Also, the Smithsonian museums are deceptively far apart, so build in some walking time if you have tour or restaurant reservations.
Anon
This is a good suggestion. If you can get a hotel with a pool, kids LOVE hotel pools during downtime.
Eliza
If you have the time, consider taking the metro (silver line) to the Edvar-Hazy Center at Dulles. IMO, it’s the better of the two air and space museums, and even has the space shuttle!
Anonymous
I love the Udvar-Hazy Center!
Anonymous
Flagging you need to get free passes for Air and Space to visit. They are available on line.
Anon
Do you go out of your way to congratulate family members on their wedding anniversary? Meaning you call, text, or send a gift to congratulate them even if they aren’t hosting a party. I’ve always felt that it’s between the two married people, but I have some family members who are offended I didn’t reach out to them. Not sure if I’m in the wrong or if this is an unusual expectation.
Anonymous
I send my parents a text and mention it if we speak on the phone. We also tend to celebrate the milestones with them. And I send a text to my SIL. But otherwise, no.
Cat
parents yes (text or call), otherwise a text pretty much only if I was in the wedding. def no gifts.
On the receiving end, we receive anniversary cards and gifts from our parents but no one else, and texts from pretty much the same circle as we send out.
Anon
I barely remember to congratulate my husband on ours, haha.
If it was your parents’ 50th and they’d been talking about it for months, then yes, a call would’ve been nice. But absent that level of significance? You’re not unreasonable.
Anon
I think this varies by family but is generally not much of a thing.
My mother in law will remind us about brother in law’s anniversary. I just let it pass over my head because I didn’t even know them when they got married, and I agree that it’s a date that’s between the couple. I would tell my parents happy anniversary when they were alive if I happened to talk to them that day. Same with my in laws. If I talk to them or see them that day, I’ll mention it, but I don’t go out of my way.
Anonymous
I’m assuming that this kind of celebrating varies a lot according to people’s family customs and the social norms among their social group/region. Is this normal where you are/in your family? Meaning, is it just this family member (sister/brother? cousin? aunt/uncle?) who is upset at you, or would anyone in your family be upset if this wasn’t done?
Personally, no, I don’t celebrate people’s anniversaries, unless it’s a 40th or a 50th, with a big celebration.
ALT
If I remember, I’ll text my parents or sister a happy anniversary but that’s about it. As a single person, I get so tired of celebrating everyone else for everything and never being celebrated myself. I’m not going out of my way to congratulate friends on their wedding anniversaries, that’s something for them to do for themselves. Maybe happy first anniversary for friends but I’m not wishing them a happy 7th anniversary.
Anon
Yes exactly. I don’t even remember when my friends got married.
Anon
No, never.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
Never.
Anon
Sometimes I text or email my parents, though not always. I figure I have an interest in their marriage because it led to me and set a good example of a happy partnership. But otherwise I think it’s mostly just up to the couple to celebrate, unless it’s a milestone where there’s a big party.
Anon
I try to congratulate my parents, inlaws, and SIL/BIL on their anniversaries if I remember but it’s a 50/50 shot. Heck, I forget my own anniversary during busy periods. Congratulations are usually a text btw, not a card or social media post.
Anonymous
Can’t wait to hear thoughts on this.
I’m a kid of divorced parents (my age 18) and I never congratulated them? and now there’s nothing to congratulate. I don’t expect people to say anything about my own anniversary. Although for the first few years it was really fun to hear memories from friends “your wedding was X years ago, best wedding ever!” kind of thing, that has waned.
…But my husband and his sibs always start a family text-chain of congratulations, send cards, and pay for their anniversary dinner and I’ve found it… foreign to me and maybe a bit odd? but I know that’s unfair. Would love to know others’ rationale.
Anon
My parents were married for 61 years, so once I was an adult, I paid for the altar flowers at their church that week. My parents congradulate me, as does my MIL. My sister is divorced, so IDK that happened when that went through.
Anon
Presumably you get your own anniversary dinner paid for then? I don’t think I’d object to this unless it only went one way.
Anon
Definite no from me.
Anon
I don’t — and I think it’s weird when people besides my husband mention my wedding anniversary. But my younger sisters do. All to say that even within families there are various expectations! So do what makes sense to you. You can’t please everyone.
Anon
My sisters, yes. And my parents when they were alive.
Anonymous
I might if I remember for some reason, like maybe a photo from their wedding pops up on my phone, but I don’t make a point of remembering anyone’s anniversary besides my own.
Anon
No, I can’t keep track of that.
Anon
No. I feel the same way as you.
anon
My parents very sweetly send my husband and me a card and gift certificate for a restaurant every year on our anniversary. This isn’t something I ever expect but is thoughtful of them. I cannot for the life of me remember my parents anniversary but I do try to send cards and flowers/small gifts to my mom for life milestones because I know it means a lot to her. Otherwise, I do not keep track of, nor celebrate any anniversaries.
Senior Attorney
If a reminder pops up on social media I will shoot off a text, but other than that, too.
And some people are just looking for things to get offended about.
Anonymous
My parents are weirdly private about their anniversary. I suppose because it was a rushed thing and my mom was extremely pregnant with me. There were no firearms involved though and they are still very happy. I don’t expect anyone to remember mine except my husband. I remember my best friend’s because it was around a major holiday. I find it strange to expect anyone beyond the couple to remember but that’s just me.
Anonymous
My very religious in-laws had a shotgun wedding and I find it so amusing. My husband is sure to point it out every once in a while.
Anon
I thought only very religious people had them!
Anon
I know someone who is claimed to be premature when someone questions if the parents had a shotgun wedding.
“You were premature!”
“Mom, I was born weighing 8 pounds!”
Anon
“First babies are often early, but second babies arrive right on time.” – My mom, who knew what she was talking about.
Anon
I always remembered my parents’ but I don’t remember my siblings’ anniversaries. Aunts and Uncles? No. Cousins? No.
I don’t recall anyone ever congratulating my husband or me on our anniversary in our 25 years of marriage! Not that I was expecting anyone to. We acknowledge the day between us and that’s it. (No gifts either)
Anonymous
I get a card for my parents. I send a text to my sister and BIL, and to my two closest friends for whom I was a bridesmaid.
Roxie
As the sole unmarried (by choice) person in my family I actually have pretty strong boundaries about this. I send a text to my siblings and their spouses saying happy anniversary and that’s it. Exception being my parents who of course get a gift :)
Anyone outside my immediate fam? No.
Anon
What….? After the engagement parties, the bridal showers, rehearsal dinners, weddings, post wedding breakfasts, post honeymoon picture parties…. now we need to congratulate each one of them every year for the rest of their lives?
Hell no.
The only time I ever acknowledged an anniversary – 2 very close friends of mine married each other, and had an 1st anniversary dinner at an amazing restaurant in NYC that they always hoped to go to. I called the restaurant ahead of time, and mentioned their anniversary and paid for a bottle of very nice champagne to be delivered to them at the start of the meal. I tipped, and mentioned how excited my friends were. When my friends arrived, they were quickly taken to the bar and given a complimentary drink and told “we have been waiting for you…. your special table is ready”. Best table. Champagne arrived. Chef came out to meet them. Several extra amuse bouche / tastings sent. Just perfect.
So yeah…. I do that ;)
Seventh Sister
I’m not super sure when my parents’ anniversary is and I’d have to double-check the year, tbh. They don’t make a big deal of it even though they have been happily married for many years and wouldn’t expect us to remember offhand.
My MIL, on the other hand, wants everyone to remember and congratulate her on her marriage from every hilltop. After she threw a tantrum about how we wouldn’t attend the second day of her dreadful two-day pool party to celebrate their 30th (?) anniversary (because of a hurricane and flooding), I have been trying to forget which month we’re supposed to celebrate the blessed event.
Anon
I barely remember my own wedding anniversary, and do not know the date for a single family member or friend.
eertmeert
I do, for sure. Always for my parents, and now that my dad is gone I buy flowers for my mom on that day in his memory. We get a nice congratulations text from my mom and brother on our wedding anniversary, and sometimes my mom sends flowers.
My brother is getting married soon, and I will send him a nice message every year on his anniversary after that. I am looking forward to doing it! I also do it for friends whose wedding dates I have in my calendar.
To me it is like celebrating a birthday – always nice to be remembered.
Anon
Buying flowers for your mother on her anniversary now is a lovely gesture. This is the best.
Anon
I will say something to my parents if I remember. Their anniversary is also my husband’s birthday so if we’re together we usually acknowledge it, but more often they’re on a trip by themselves. After the first couple of years of marriage I’ve neither congratulated nor been congratulated by friends and extended family. I agree with you it’s primarily about the couple.
Jamie
Any recommendations for warm business casual clothes to deal with cold office environments (not wool, no turtle, crew or mock/cowl necklines) for larger misses/plus size?
I have thought about layering a cotton tank underneath but sometimes don’t want the bulk from extra layer but would like to be warmer. I’m finding some of the cardigans and draped jackets are more annoying getting in my way flapping g open while walking or rolling off my shoulders. Hoping you all can give some ideas that I hadn’t thought of or alternate solutions. Budget is $30-70 for a sweater. Less for a thinner top. TIA.
Anonymous
I like silk under garments. L.L. Bean usually has them. I buy a piece or two every few years. I have tanks and scoop neck tops.
Anonymous
I’d certainly start with a camisole or tank — but not cotton. Look for silk, or for very thin fabrics designed to be worn as insulating underlayers. Also, tuck it in. Something about the layer close to the body and also tucked in really does help with warmth.
Anon
I can’t wear wool but I can wear a mix of cotton and cashmere – J Crew usually has some good sweaters every year.
Anon
I can’t wear wool but I can wear a mix of cotton and cashmere – J Crew usually has some good sweaters every year.
Anon
Ugh, I wasn’t even replying to this comment and it still replaced my original comment.
I wear long underwear under my normal office clothes in the winter.
Anon
That was my comment and now I see how it’s replaced another comment and it’s showing up twice! So bizarre!
Anon
That happened to me yesterday! Weird.
Anon
I have several 100% cotton J Crew Factory sweater blazers that are workhorses for this. They are currently in your price range. For reference, I am a size 14 and the large fits me comfortably.
Anon
This is what thin silk or silk-like long underwear is for. Costco sells very affordable tops and bottoms every year.
Eliza
Uniqlo’s Heattech pieces are perfect for this. They’re warm, zero bulk, and have a smooth texture that outer layers won’t cling to.
Jules
I was coming here to say the same thing, Heattech FTW.
Anon
I wear 32 degrees underlayers. The XXL is generous and you want them closely fitted anyway.
In your shoes I’d get pullover cotton sweaters from Gap Factory. I’ve loved all the ones I’ve ordered recently. I wear a 16 misses and the XXL is often too large for me.
Amelia Badelia
What would you do? I have a direct report who is just incompetent. Like Amelia Badelia level of lawyer. She is leaving at the end of the year for unrelated reasons, which is one of the reasons I have basically given up on trying to make her improve and have been just resigned to her incompetence and counting down the days, figuring she can do the more admin stuff that I need and I would just handle the extra legal work. My hope was to just end on good terms and call it a day. But she can’t even keep up with the limited tasks that she has now. For ex., she is supposed to remind me of deadlines and this week she not only didn’t remind that something was coming up but blew that deadline completely. Or, I asked her to fill out some routine forms and she had to have 4 rounds of corrections. Do I say something? Do I try to end her tenure early? It’s like a weird combo of weaponized incompetence and senioritis; I would rather not have to fire her because she has some health issues and needs insurance and is leaving anyway but it is just not working at even my lowest standard.
Olivia Rodrigo
Can you let her go, either with or without pay? Your life will be better without her. She is not helping you — if anything, she’s making more work. It will likely take you some time to replace this person anyway, so not a huge budgetary hit.
Anon
Have you spoken to her? That would be the first step — you can say what you write here (without the Amelia Bedevil comparison). “We’re having an issue here with your keeping up with tasks. For example (deadline and corrections). I need to be able to trust you to get this work done. What can we do to make sure you can do these tasks?” You can be professional and clear.
And then if it doesn’t improve, you’ll have to fire her.
Anon
I wouldn’t fire her because she’s leaving anyway and I think it’s really d*ck to do that when you know someone needs health insurance for just a few more months – sounds like you agree on that. I’d have a stern talk with her and then never give her anything vital. Not much more you can do.
Anon
I have no idea what Amelia Bedelia is. That said, I would work with HR to put together an exit package for her now that provides health care for the time she was planning to work. I wouldn’t want to delay backfilling the role and would move on kindly now.
Anon
Amelia Bedelia is a children’s book character – a maid who takes instructions very literally (she has to be told to “undust” the furniture rather than to dust it). Amusing stories for kids to read, not a functional model for actual adult behavior.
I agree with ending this early, either officially with HR or just by giving her menial work if an official route is not palatable for some reason.
Anon
The one Amelia Bedelia I remember is when she drew a picture of the drapes when asked to “draw the drapes.” I loved those books!
Anon
Ha! As a child with (diagnosed) OCD, AB books made me super, super anxious! My first exposure to hate-reading!
Anonymous
I was perplexed by Amelia Bedelia as a small child. The only task on her list that made sense to me was “dust the furniture,” but I didn’t understand what dusting powder was. I had never heard of drawing the drapes, putting out the lights, or dressing a chicken. I really only found the book funny when I happened to read it again as an adult and knew what all those colloquialisms and anachronisms meant.
Anon
Not precisely the same thing, but my husband is from the South, and sometimes has anachronisms that the rest of us don’t understand. We still laugh about the time he was trying get my son or I to shut a door because it was raining, and he kept yelling “Pull it to! Pull it to!” My son and I were just staring at him, with literally no idea what he was talking about while he just kept yelling it. What does that MEAN, man?! By the time we figured it out, we were all cry laughing. Now, still like 5 years later, whenever he drops one of his southern colloquialisms randomly into conversation (someone is being “ugly” or that we need to go get our pictures “made”), we usually just yell back at him to “pull it to!”
No Face
+1 I would work with HR to move her on. A severance agreement with a release in exchange for continued benefits is perfectly reasonable.
In the meantime, I would not rely on her in any way.
Anonymous
It’s a book with a very literal thinking character who is often considered autistic coded.
Anonymous
I think you are reading waaay to much into a funny, charming OLD book that is a play on words.
Anon
Same.
Anon
Seriously. It’s supposed to be funny, but also an example of how words don’t necessarily mean what they seem to mean.
No Face
Oooh, this makes me want to re-read one of these.
anon
lol wut
Anon
End it now.
And thank you for reminding me of Amelia Bedelia this morning.
Anon
See if you can work out a severance package that includes insurance coverage until the end of the year. It’s not a good situation for either of you if she’s screwing stuff up AND has to live with knowing she sucks at her job. Stressful all around. That lets you start the process of finding her backfill before January.
cc
You guys are always so helpful with menus. Hosting my mom for her birthday – parents and sister so 6 adults and 1 toddler. The hard part is I’ll be at a birthday party for about of the day and my husband will take the toddler to gymnastics right before they arrive for dinner so a lot needs to be prepped/ made before. I was thinking a pasta salad , green salad, and then grilled chicken. Any ideas to elevate it (or different menu suggestions?). I’m not a good cook (my husband is) so it has to be somewhat simple.
AIMS
I would make a lasagna ahead of time and a green side salad, keep the chicken if you like, and buy a beautiful cake at the bakery.
The Ina Garten mushroom portobello mushroom lasagna is easy and delicious, can be cooked by anyone who can follow directions the day before. It’s my go to in these kind of situations and always a hit.
Anon
This and the pot pie and quiche ideas are my go-tos. Keep it easy.
Anon
I am not a good cook, nor am I great at quick prep for a crowd — but I have always gotten rave, rave, RAVE reviews with Ina Garten’s company pot roast. Add a green salad, and a really nice (if you are like me, store bought) dessert. I love serving it bc (1) you won’t have to fuss with anything at dinner time, (2) the house smells amazing for your company — which always makes things taste better, and (3) it is – objectively – incredibly hard to mess up.
Anon
Sometimes I go to the farmer’s market and get a chicken pot pie and a quiche to serve along a green salad. Low effort and tasty. We also have other vendors that have good take and bake meals.
Anonymous
I had a different event but similar numbers of people recently and did America’s Test Kitchen’s vegetable lasagna and The Kitchn’s Chicken Parm Meatballs. Served with a side salad of greens and some Italian bread. Both I made ahead the day before and just popped in to cook when I got home right before the dinner.
Anonymous
Quiche with salad
A beef or lamb stew – often nicer on day 2
Roxie
Quiche with salad
A beef or lamb stew – often nicer on day 2
Rome?
Asking for a friend! This board seems to have the best travel recommendations. A friend, spouse, and their rather adult 12 yo (their words not mine) boy are planning a trip to Rome. Do y’all have any hotel recommendations? Budget is not a huge consideration although this friend prefers something that is nice enough but not so luxurious as to feel guilty spending almost all time away from the room for this kind of trip. They would like to be within walking distance of some museums or sights. Sightseeing and restaurant recommendations are very welcome. What’s worth it, what’s not of the “must sees”. Weird and interesting little nooks and crannies to explore? I trust input from here more than off the web.
Anonymous
I stayed at the Hotel Damaso per a recommendation from this board and really enjoyed it! We walked all over. A few interesting favorites were the Testaccio Supper Stroll food tour, some weird little churches we found through Atlas Obscura (particularly in Trastevere, which was also a wonderful neighborhood to eat and walk around), the Villa Borghese, and the old synagogue. We ate a lot of wonderful gelato, but our favorite was at Come il Latte near the Villa Borghese (with affogatos from Fiocco di Neve as a runner up). We couldn’t get a reservation at Roscioli but had a wonderful lunch at the Caffe Roscioli.
Anon
I stayed at the Hotel Raffaello once, which was not super updated but nice and reasonably priced, not right in the middle of everything but walking distance from the Colosseum/Forum. Rome is really walkable so I wouldn’t worry too much about location so long as they are relatively central. If they want more space, I’ve also stayed in an apartment in a B&B called Gonfalone6, I think? It was nice to have more space but still be able to call the front desk (which was technically located in another building down the street) when the hot water shut off. That one is closer to Piazza Navonna.
My favorite gelato is Gelateria del Teatro, although everyone has strong opinions about their favorites. There’s a chain called Trappizzino I liked for quick meals. The Trastevere neighborhood doesn’t have all the sights but is great to wander and has good food. The kid might get a kick out of Basilica di San Crisogono, which is just a regular church but if you ask the staff you can pay a few euros and go underground to walk in the ruins of a 4th century church.
I don’t know how long they’re there for but the trains are easy in Italy and, while there’s endless amounts to see in Rome, a day trip is always fun. I might suggest one of the hill towns like Orvieto, where you take a tram up into the town.
Anonymous
The Basilica of Saint Clement isn’t exactly a hidden spot but was genuinely amazing to me, Rome-standard medieval and Renaissance church up top but you can see the foundations of centuries beneath. A similar vibe to the Vatican Necropolis (tours of the pagan cemetery beneath the Vatican) which I haven’t done but would love to.
SFAttorney
Stayed at Donna Camilla Savelli Hotel in Trastevere neighborhood last year. It was a charming area. Not necessary real close to the majority of tourist sites, but it was easy to get around from there. It was close to the Pantheon and the Tiber River.
Anon for this
If you want to DIY the tours, look up when tickets are released and put reminders on your calendar. Like the inexpensive tickets for the Colosseum are released X days ahead, so I put a reminder at 6pm Eastern (aka midnight in Rome) to pounce. Zero line, didn’t have to pay $$$ for an unnecessary guide. Same for Borghese, Vatican, etc.
We vastly preferred not having to set early alarms, and also like to avoid crowds, so we’d do more ‘absorb the culture’ long lunches and walks during the day, and saving the Big Things for 4pm or later. Crowds were generally thinner as any cruise day-trippers were clearing out, plus it was literally cooler. So our Borghese tickets were for 4pm, Colosseum timed entry for like 5:30, and we did the c-cktail hour Vatican entry – didn’t leave until maybe 11pm but so worth it.
Anon
We stayed at the Sofitel Roma Villa Borghese last fall and it was so gorgeous. A fresco painted on the ceiling of our room! We booked through Costco Travel! It was definitely walking distance to the Spanish Steps and we walked lots of other places too-although I also remember an Uber to the Vatican and maybe the Colosseum. We also went to Athens but I could have spent the whole time in Rome mostly because I loved that hotel so much.
Anon
I am inheriting an antique pistol currently in storage in a northeastern US state. I understand that it is not assembled and in a footlocker. My understanding is that it used to be hard to drive this from state to state (or have moved) but just transporting it or having it and the rest of the storage unit contents shipped to me in a SEUS state should legally be fine? I’m not a felon and am >21 (or 18 or whatever). My sense is that it may be of interest to a collector and of some value, but I’d need to go to a gun show or a dealer to ascertain. I’d keep it in storage, FWIW. I can shoot, but I live in a city and don’t need/want at home (one teen kid has some issues).
Anonymous
I’d turn it into the police and move on. Just because a gun has mine start value doesn’t mean I need to support having more guns in circulation.
Anon
I think this is silly when we’re talking about an inherited antique.
Anon
Right? And I’d think twice before walking into a police station carrying a gun. Seems like something that could go incredibly sideways.
Anon
Not exactly the same, but I inherited a lot of ammunition that I didn’t know what to do with. I brought it into a police station to turn it over and no one thought twice about it.
If you take the gun in a bag or a small safe or something else and don’t walk in brandishing it or otherwise carrying it somewhere you could get it out easily, I do not think this will be an issue.
Anon
You could always call ahead and ask how to handle this. They might even send someone out to retrieve it.
Anonymous
Yes obviously you call ahead
Anon
Yes obviously call ahead and refrain from brandishing when you bring it in.
She said it’s disassembled!
kansas
Our state has a law requiring the police to sell all confiscated guns back to the public. Only exception is if the gun was used in homicide.
Anon
Yuck
Anonymous
All I know is that it’s easier to get it across state lines than to cross them for an abortion, and that’s everything wrong with our country.
Anon
I mean, it shows you the importance of having your own constitutional amendment. Which maybe people should organize around? In the meantime, no one should go to jail for emptying a storage locker.
Anonymous
The ATF site has FAQs. Our local sheriff does as well.
Digby
I would check with whoever is transporting the rest of the storage unit contents – some movers will transport guns and some won’t. If yours won’t, you can drive the gun across state lines if the gun is unloaded, locked, and kept in the trunk if the vehicle has one (if there is no trunk, the gun must be inaccessible to driver and passengers, so not in the glove box or center console, and not visible to passersby). The same applies to ammunition if there is any. You can also take the gun to a local gun dealer, who will ship it to a gun dealer in your state, where you can pick it up if you don’t want to drive with the gun yourself.
Anon
This is the answer.
Anon
+1
The gun dealer will know both sets of local laws (sending and receiving states), which may be different, and how to comply with same.
We had very antique family pieces shipped dealer-to-dealer and the dealer in the receiving state was able to assist with appraisal and sale, as well as documentation surrounding our disposition of the pieces. Very helpful.
Anon
Can you have whoever is handling the logistics of getting it from storage take it to a local dealer rather than transporting it to you? If you don’t need or want it in your home, just move it along up front rather than pushing out the timing.
Do you even have to accept inheritance of it? I have a relative who is going to leave several similar firearms behind someday; I do plan to accept them but only so I can remove them from circulation by turning them in to law enforcement for destruction. They aren’t suitable for hunting, they aren’t designed for sporting events like target shooting, and they are not of historic significance. There is no practical use for them that mitigates their inherent risk.
Former Southerner
Just be sure law enforcement will actually destroy them. A lot of law enforcement does not offer that as a free service. They would just take the gun and then sell it.
I inherited a 19th century handgun from my great-grandmother. If it was in good shape it would be valuable, but it is too worn to have any monetary value (she slept with it loaded under her pillow for decades and then slept with it unloaded for another when my dad took the bullets out without telling her) but it was her father’s and I learned to shoot on it so keep it for sentimental reasons. I am not sure they even still make ammunition for it or that it would be safe to fire. I keep it locked up and take it out once in a blue moon. By the time I inherited it my daughter was an adult but if she had still been a kid, I would have put it in my safe deposit box.
And not sure if this helps OP, but I flew with it in my checked luggage, which is allowable as long as it is unloaded in a locked case and you declare it. In all three states I drove in with it, it was legal as long as it was in the case and in my trunk.
PNJax
I’d have the contents of the storage unit shipped and not mention it. I have cleaned out storage units for people and there’s all kinds of oddities to be found in them.
Alternatively, you could have whoever is doing the shipping take it to a gun shop and have them send it to you. You need a FFL to ship one through the mail but it’s pretty straightforward otherwise.
Anon
A trip I was looking forward to next month got canceled and now I just feel blah and like I have nothing to look forward to. Work is blah, I feel like my life is generally very blah. What do you do when you feel like this? Reading is my major escape (which I’ve been doing a lot) but I feel like I need something else.
Senior Attorney
Can you book another trip? Even a weekend away? Even by yourself?
Failing that, can you be a tourist in your own city? Check out a museum or whatever?
OP
I guess I could, but I’ve never traveled by myself and I feel kind of silly doing it (which I know is lame).
Anon
Solo travel is the best!
Anon
Maybe it’s time to try…. pretty much all of us do it at some point.
Senior Attorney
It’s great! Pro tip: Eat at the bar in restaurants.
Anonymous
As a frequent solo traveler now, I urge you to do another, very simple trip. When it is a success, it is such a boost. Do something you can afford easily – it really helps because if something unexpected crops up you can deal with it without worrying about the cost. Buy a good guidebook and download stuff from the local tourist board/office . Choose a destination you can reach nonstop in the main. Take a cab or shuttle to a centrally located hotel with a coffee shop/restaurant/ bar. Bring one or two books (not the guide book) you want to read and bring one with you when getting meals or having coffee. I will take the book but rarely read much – there is so much to just people watch. Find a coffee spot that suits you. If the place has a public transport multiple ride card get one. Wander. Keep it simple and short. Solo travel can be fun!
Anon
I can’t tell much from your post, but can you book another trip in its place?
Anon
It’s fall, so at least where I live it’s a great time to do fun things outside locally. There are a million fall festivals, Oktoberfests, state and county fairs, the Renaissance fair, apple picking, spectacular bird migration, fall colors, etc.
Anon
+1 – it is fall fair central in New England right now. We’re going to the ‘Big E’ (New England state fair) this weekend and we’re all super excited. Tickets are generally cheap/free and then you just pay for food/activities.
Anon NYC
Yea book something else for that time if possible. I’ve don’t a ton of solo traveling and loved it!
Anonymous
My new employer is sending me to a conference I have attended many times in the past. There are a few others from the organization also attending. We have all been asked to submit lists of panels we are interested in attending, apparently so that our schedules can be approved and enforced. This seems to be a bit much. I understand management’s desire to ensure that people are actually attending conference events instead of sneaking out to play tourist, but I use these conferences for networking and will often change my plans or skip a session in order to catch up with someone I know. I don’t like the idea of being obligated to follow a set agenda. Am I being unreasonable in wanting some freedom here?
Senior Attorney
I’d just send the list but maybe put a note that it’s tentative and I might choose networking instead, as is my longstanding practice. (Or maybe not even that — how are they going to enforce it?)
OP
I believe we are required to report out on what we learned from each session. And the boss will be at the conference and plans to attend many of the same sessions.
Anon
Can you ask your boss about the purpose of the list of panels and what happens if a networking opportunity comes up during a panel you listed? And explain how you usually do this conference to develop connections? It seems to me that a requirement to do nothing but attend panels at a conference would interfere with everyone’s networking efforts, not just yours. If this is really a mandatory “must attend the panels you list” type of requirement, the company may want to rethink its approach.
Anon
Do you know how rigid they are about filling your schedule? That is, could you select a small number of sessions to commit to, and just note that you will be networking during the others?
Anon
Would it be possible to schedule enough sessions so it’s clear you don’t have an entire afternoon off, but not fill every block?
If your boss is going, can you communicate with her during the conference about last minute changes to the plan? “Suzie, I was planning on attending the panel on the use of AI in the construction industry. However, Tina from our supplier has some open time then and would like to catch up. Mind if I skip?”
Anonymous
This second paragraph. It’s annoying, but don’t raise flags now. The boss can approve a real time change.
Anon
I’ve done this for a conference where we had a booth, to ensure that the booth was sufficiently staffed at all times. But otherwise agree it seems micromanage-y.
Anon
Why are they sending? Is it to bring back content and share internally? Or is it to network and build relationships?
QR scams?
The local PD issued an alert about a scam that they called “brushing” where you get a free “gift” package in the mail, and said that the packages included a QR code that, when scanned, would give the bad guys total control over your phone and any information on the phone. I was really surprised that QR codes could be used in that manner, so I forwarded to my family.
My brother did some research and found stuff saying that QR codes cannot be used like that without entering information of your own. I did more research and found press releases from several police departments reporting the scam, all in the past month or two.
So be wary of QR codes, I guess!
(Tin foil hat moment – with the election coming up would some group benefit by making people question the safety of QR codes?)
Sample article: https://www.palmbeachdailynews.com/story/news/crime/2024/09/14/police-warn-residents-not-to-scan-qr-code-in-mysterious-packages/75228389007/
Anonymous
I thought that was called “quishing” when it was a QR code.
Anon
Brushing is fake review farming that depends on having a legit tracking number related to shipping something (so they ship small, lightweight things and then can have a “verified” buyer write glowing reviews of the fake item). QR codes used maliciously are called “quishing” and are definitely a real risk.
QR codes can wreak all kinds havoc. They can and are used in benign ways, but you have no way of knowing what will happen when you scan one. They basically are the phone version of a .exe file. Never, ever scan a random QR code, especially not from an unexpected, unknown, unsolicited source. Be cautious about QR codes from legit sources, too, to make sure the code hasn’t been maliciously altered (like with a sticker placed over the real code). QR codes might just be set so they open a webpage, but they can trigger file downloads (including malicious software or viruses), take you to a fake version of a legit page, add spyware to your device, etc. It all depends on what the code is designed to do when scanned.
Anon
To your tinfoil hat comment: QR code safety is something people should routinely question, regardless of the election cycle. QR codes have never been safe and trustworthy; you should have always been approaching them with a stranger-danger mindset.
Anon
I haven’t heard of the QR code thing but brushing is hitting my neighborhood hard right now. Literally every day someone posts on the neighborhood facebook page “I got a package for John Smith; anyone know this person?” and a whole bunch of people comment IT’S A BRUSHING SCAM.
Anonymous
What would you do? I currently work as an individual contributor in a very specific role that was created for me. Today, a recent new employee (out of MBB) pinged me and asked for help with a workstream. Turns out their workstream is a huge chunk of my job description. I immediately had a conversation with my manager, who suggested we pivot my role to avoid unnecessary politics (which I’m fine with in the short-term). Also relevant, I am in my 3rd trimester. Would you A) start looking for a new job immediately or B) try to ride out the next three months to get to maternity leave and then look for a new job with a newborn? Or is there some other option I’m not considering?
I am pretty devastated, and feeling like this is a big setback to my already stalled career.
And bonus question for the hive: how would you deal with the new employee in the short-term? I want to protect myself without being a jerk. They have already taken up 30 mins of my time today asking questions on how to do things that took me weeks to figure out. Feels like training my replacement, which I don’t want to do.
Anonymous
I would start looking now because if you are senior enough to have had a job created for you, you are probably also senior enough that it can take a year or more to find a suitable job.
If you are about to go on maternity leave, you need to be training your replacement anyway.
Anon
I’d start working your network but I would 100% stay until you either leave on your own terms or are pushed out. A paid maternity leave is not something to give up if you can at all help it.
Also, despite this person coming from an MBB I would be shocked if they are able to successfully execute on your workstreams without much more training and guidance. Also – what do YOU want to do – are you ok if your role pivots? Are you only ok staying if you get this workstream back? I’d push off training the new person (other projects, so busy!) and make it their manager’s issue to coordinate the training.
Betsy
I had a similar sort of career situation pop up as I was getting close to maternity leave and found myself convinced I was about to be replaced. Sometimes 3rd trimester reactions aren’t trustworthy! My situation turned out fine – it was poor communication but that was it. I hope that your situation will be the same. I would continue conversations with your boss about how this person’s role will impact yours, both short term and long term after your leave is over. Don’t assume that the overlap means you won’t have a job to come back to. Sounds like there may be some ways this person can be useful to you in the short term for covering your leave, and that’s great! But also make sure you are advocating appropriately so that you don’t turn over aspects of your position that you enjoy in the long term. It sounds like it would be helpful for you to get an understanding of how it came to be that this new role was created that has such overlap with yours – is there big picture planning here or does your org’s right hand not know what it’s left hand is doing?
Anon
yesterday i asked about a list of the national heritage months, and just reporting back that someone else shared this link with me. https://www.state.gov/state-department-celebrates-heritage-and-history-months/. The reason I was asking was bc i realized my org is very arbitrary in acknowledging some of these months and not others. Just sharing in case this applies to anyone else.
Anon
Thank you for looking into this and urging your org to be more inclusive!