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- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
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- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
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- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
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- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anonymous
I got a creepy e mail and would be interested in thoughts. Spam e mail to my g mail account, kind of rambly with my name, phone number, and address at the top, (which could have been taken from any number of data breaches) like a very incoherent form letter blackmail request. Very easy to write off but at the end it included a picture of the back of the townhouse next door, which I wouldn’t think you could get from google maps?
Anon
Did it say it had a creepy video of you that would get published if you didn’t pay up? Just happened to my husband – “we have a video of you j-ing off and we will publish” complete with name, address, and a fence from a nearby property. So annoying and we’re wondering how our address got leaked. We don’t own and usually are very careful to keep it as private as we can.
Anonymous
Yes exactly that one.
Anon
I’ve received that one too. I marked it as spam & moved on with my life.
Anonymous
Yikes, I’m just realizing scams are evolving. To me the logical future is going to be AI generated n*ked pic blackmail scams from your online photos. Lawmakers need to get ahead of this.
Anon
Surely you’ve ordered things before.
Anon
Yikes! That does sound creepy and very different than the usual Nigerian prince scam. Can you call the police non-emergency number and report it?
Anon
Check the Scams subr3ddit. Pretty sure they’ve covered this or a similar one before multiple times.
Anonymous
Thank you! I just looked it up there and you’re right. Side note I should make my dad aware of this sub, he would love it and it would hopefully make him more vigilant.
anon
I received a similar one this morning too. I reported it to google. Picture in it was within the real of google street view.
NYNY
My organization’s IT security team sent a blast out today warning people that it’s a scam using AI to cobble together the data they have to pull photos from public sources like Google maps. Ignore it.
AIMS
A friend of mine just got something similar. She reported it but not sure anything came of it. It does seem to be common!
Anonymous
I love these shoes. I have an outdoor wedding in a garden in the NE to attend in October and these would be great. But I can’t bear spending $250 on shoes that I will likely wear once and that might not withstand a garden wedding and outdoor reception. Can anyone recommend a dupe?
anon
not specifically but DSW and steve madden both often have knock offs of current trends.
Anon
These are similar: https://www.naturalizer.com/product/womens-pixie-mary-jane-3029447
Anonymous
Thanks! I actually like those even better!
Brontosaurus
I will say that I had a pair of black, ankle strap wedge heels and I wore the heck out of them 2015-2019, when my work dress code was more formal. So these may be more versatile than you think.
Anon
Y’all…I met a third year resident/doctor yesterday at what was a medical appointment for me but I was not his direct patient (he did come in the room at one point though). I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. I debated all morning how to ask him out, whether it’s too inappropriate, how this whole thing is SO out of character for me (being so drawn to a guy + asking a guy out). I decided to shoot my shot and found him on social media and sent him a message. Now I’m nervous in general and also worried that he won’t see the message. I guess I’m not really asking anything here, just sharing out of nervousness while I wait.
Nesprin
He was working, you found his personal info, and asked him out? Seriously, don’t do this.
Anon
Completely disagree! OP I hope this is the start is a very cute “how we met” story you tell your grandkids. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Anon
It’s either the start of a meet cute story, or a story over drinks about how the third year resident has found himself being stalked.
Anon
How is sending one message stalking? This board really reaches sometimes.
Anon
I don’t think sending a social media message is “stalking” (words have meanings) but it’s definitely inappropriate imo. As someone said below, how would you react if a male corporate counsel sent a message to a female summer associate asking her out after she’d sat in on a meeting? It’s really not that different…
Anon
But they weren’t at work! It would be like if a male client in a say, family law attorney’s office saw a young female associate for 2 minutes, and after all of his business was concluded with the office, sent her a message on social media asking her out.
Anonymous
He was at work though. She was at the doctor’s office as a patient, he was there working and was in the room while she was a patient.
Anon
I don’t think I’d appreciate my first contact with someone I am not ‘friends’ with on social media already would be someone I met through work asking me on a date.
Imagine if OP were a man who had glancing contact with a woman through work, and then he found her on social media and asked her out through Facebook messenger.
Maybe I’m just more private about my social media?
Anonymous
Yeah, if you look up someone online and find them, particularly on social media, than I have no problem with this. If someone doesn’t want to be found, then don’t be on social media with a public profile. If he doesn’t want to respond, he can just ignore it.
Anonymous
If people don’t want outreach from strangers via SM then they make their profile private. This isn’t like showing up at someone’s house or work or even finding their phone number. This is contacting someone through the medium that they have specifically designated for contact from strangers. Completely appropriate.
Anon
Assuming that this was okay to do, I personally might have handled it by dropping off my business card with a note at the reception desk (perhaps in an envelope, so no one else reads it) and asking him if he wants to get coffee.
ABanon
A business card? He’s going to think you want to sell him some products or services from your company. And perhaps that you time travelled here from the past.
Anon
Why aren’t you such a sweetie.
Anonymous
Totally out of character for me too but good for you. People shoot their shot all the time. Either it’ll work out and he’ll respond back or he won’t in which case it could be that he has a gf, isn’t looking to date, whatever. Why would you assume he won’t see the message?
I disagree with the person who said it was inappropriate. I feel like a few decades ago it WAS common to see someone you liked and discretely ask them out. The only way I’d say it’s inappropriate is if you had asked him out at work, in front of his attendings or even his colleagues. This is private – he can choose to respond or not. I do hope though that you don’t have to go back to that office for any follow up appointments because if he doesn’t respond or says sorry I have a gf, I’d be embarrassed about asking then. But given that he’s a resident, you’re not there to see him specifically anyway.
So was there any flirting or conversation or anything or did you just like his looks?
Senior Attorney
I’m rooting for you!
Anon
In my mid twenties during an Optho appointment the doctor called in a cute med student to look at my scan. I was convinced the med student might be interested…and then he hit me with a “m’am” as he handed me some paperwork. Nope, I was just another patient to this guy.
Anon
Well even if he was interested, he was probably just trying to be professional. It would have been highly inappropriate for him to do anything flirtatious so his options are kind of limited.
Anon
It was the choice to say m’am instead of miss. We weren’t in the south where it’s standard and at 25 I didn’t think I looked m’am age.
Anon
Honestly? I’d be pissed if someone called me “miss” as an adult. That is how you politely address a child. Ms. or Ma’am (pronounced “mizz”) for an adult. Ma’am is used more frequently by blue collar speakers.
Anon
Ma’am seems like the standard greeting for a medical professional greeting a customer to me, and I’m in the Midwest.
Anon
I’m sure you’re great, but the odds of you being so impressive in this appointment that this guy would be willing to risk his career to date you are basically zero. Technically it wouldn’t be an ethics violation to date a former patient, but the lines are fuzzy enough here that the doctor would have to have a really, really good reason to want to risk it, like already being head over heels for you. There’s too much of a possibility that if things went south you could later allege he abused his position and came on to you after meeting you in the medical setting.
Anon
Just to add, I’m not saying that you would do that, just that someone who’s spent a decade plus in training to be a doctor is likely to be pretty cautious about doing something that could take away his right to earn a living as a doctor!
Anon
Huh? She already said she wasn’t his patient!
Anon
If she saw him in a medical context, that’s close enough for ethics rules to apply, even if she didn’t schedule her appointment directly with him.
Anonymous
They met because she was being seen as a patient at a medical practice where he works!
Anon
Yeah WTAF if he was in the exam room while you were a patient there it would absolutely be unethical for him to date you. I can’t believe people don’t understand this. Doctor-patient relationship is different from a lawyer-client relationship.
If he does respond in any encouraging way I’m sorry to say that is icky on his part. (You are fine though- you’re the patient!)
Anonymous
She said that she was not his ‘direct patient’. The idea of direct or indirect patients is made up by OP. He was at work as a doctor and was present in the room where she was being seen as a patient in his capacity of being a doctor at the medical practice where he works.
Anon
That’s not the definition of a doctor-patient relationship. You’re the one making things up.
Anonymous
I never said it was a doctor – patient relationship?
Anon
It’s not like he was the valet parking her car in the adjacent garage. He’s a working physician in the office where she is a patient. That’s a pretty clear doctor-patient interaction.
Danica
Ok but don’t ask the valet guy out either, on the job
At least wait until you get your car back
Anon
Yeah, the ethics line is pretty blurry here — I think there’s a good chance even if he is interested he won’t feel like this is a boundary he can cross. You’re not wrong for shooting your shot, I just wouldn’t expect him to answer, and wouldn’t take it personally if he doesn’t.
Anon
How do you know he isn’t married?
Anon
Presumably if he is he’ll just say that? Let people be adults!
OP I love this for you. Hope it works!
Been There
Good for you! You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. I’ve been wondering how people meet in the wild these days as it seems we are all just hiding behind screens. I hope it works out for you. If nothing else, it gives you courage to do something like this again in the future.
Anonymous
It’s wild how many people are supportive of this. If a summer associate had sat in on part of a meeting and a client from the meeting followed up by finding her social media and asking her out, no one here would think it’s a meet cute.
Anon
I actually think it’s wild how many people are criticizing it.
Anon
Oh shoot…. no…..
signed,
woman MD
Anon
Eye roll
Anon
Why eyeroll? An MD absolutely knows more about the ethics of this situation (and how a doctor would feel is propositioned) than any of us. I’m glad she’s chiming in.
Anonymous
Glad I didn’t work at your firm.
Anon
Yeah… I appreciate that OP has good intentions, but this is pretty inappropriate and if the genders were reversed people would be aghast.
anon
+1
Anon
For sure!
Anon
But the genders aren’t reversed. We’re not dealing with hypotheticals, we’re dealing with a real situation. And this one was fine.
Do you also people that whites experience racism too? Come on.
Anon
I don’t think the racism analogy is on point. Both men and women can sexually harass someone. I’m not saying that OP is, but sexual harassment stuff goes both ways much more than racism.
Anon
Yeah I was stalked by a “patient” when I was a medical resident. Good times, let me tell you….
Anon
I think the dynamics of being a patient versus a BigLaw client are different. The latter might control a substantial amount of business, and an associate in an unrelated field might still be expected to play nice. Not the same dynamic as a patient.
Also, there is an age issue. Presumably, the OP is about the same age as her crush, and that’s not the same thing as a 40 year old asking out a 24 year old.
Anonymous
Doctor – patient relationship is incredibly serious. They met when she was a patient and he was at work. This is real life not a soap opera. There are clear ethical lines and I can’t imagine being interested in a guy who would ignore those.
Anon
Before you give a condescending lecture, get your facts right. You’re wildly overstating the issue.
From the AMA: “A physician must terminate the patient-physician relationship before initiating a dating, romantic, or
sexual relationship with a patient.
Likewise, sexual or romantic relationships between a physician and a former patient may be unduly influenced by the previous physician-patient relationship. Sexual or romantic relationships with former patients are unethical if the physician uses or exploits trust, knowledge, emotions, or influence derived from the previous professional relationship, or if a romantic relationship would otherwise foreseeably harm the individual.”
None of that is applicable here. The guy isn’t saying “I saved your life; you owe me a date.” He wasn’t a psychiatrist exploiting a known vulnerability. He wasn’t talking about how hot her body was when he was operating on her.
Anonymous
She’s a current patient of the practice and has no idea if he was consulted on her case. The doctor-patient relationship was not terminated.
Anon
It wasn’t terminated because it never started. Learn to read.
Anonymous
How was it not started? She saw the doctor and he was there in his capacity as a doctor.
Get some morals.
Anon
Even if it had started, it can be easily terminated if they decide to go out. The AMA is clear that you can date a former patient. I don’t see what all the theatrics are about.
Anon
Doctor-patient relationship has an actual definition. It is questionable as to whether or not it applies here.
Your condescension and insults are wildly inappropriate. Take your meds and get offline.
Anon
Anon at 5:24, the theatrics are obviously about her own issues.
Anon
You’re saying it’s BETTER for a doctor to date a patient at his practice?!
Anon
I was saying the analogy is bad. Calm down.
Anonymous
Nothing screams I’m an angry person more than feeling the need to tell strangers on the internet to ‘calm down’ because they don’t think doctors should date patients at the practice where they work.
Anonymous
You’re not naked in front of your lawyer.
Anon
Agreed. It’s creepy.
Anon
Honestly, if we’re being real, I think 90% of this comes down to how pretty you are. If you are a bombshell, he’ll probably be thrilled and reciprocate your interest, even if your initial introduction was passing. If you are a normal looking woman (or not as attractive as him), it will probably read as a bit odd and inappropriate.
Anon
This was wildly inappropriate, and that is the hill I will die on.
Anon
I agree, fully. He was at work and OP hunted him down via social media to ask him out. Also odd that she ‘couldn’t stop thinking about him’ when it seems they barely interacted?
OP, look up ‘limerence!’
Anon
You’re all crazy. It’s not that big of a deal. Did you live before the internet? People asked people out. You don’t have to hide behind a Bumble screen to get a date.
Anon
People asked people out, but I think it always would be odd to ask a doctor out after meeting him at his place of work… especially finding his address or phone number afterwards, rather than asking him out in the moment.
Anon
People ask people out in person in social settings or in work setting where there’s not a power imbalance or doctor-patient relationship. I was a ho in my 20s and gave my number to lottts of guys in bars and even once in a grocery store while totally sober. I still think it’s inappropriate to hit on someone while they’re trying to do their job and you’re they’re client/patient. Implying everyone who thinks this is inappropriate has never dated in person is weird.
Anon
“hunted him down” y’all are too much
Anon
It’s a phrase? Not literally hunted. But she had to track down his name and then find him on social media when presumably they don’t have mutual connections. That is definitely “hunting down” in my book
Anon
No one tracked down his name when it’s on his name tag.
Anon
That is literally what OP did. They weren’t already friends on social media. She searched him on the internet.
This is not cool.
Anon
I’m sorry but seeing someone’s name on their name tag and then looking it up is tracking it down. He didn’t give her his name for that purpose. It’s icky.
Anonymous
Agree. This is so ick. They didn’t have a conversation. Add in the whole thing that he was working and not somewhere you expect to be hit on. And then you went out of your way to find info from his personal life.
This is a really creepy way to try to meet people.
And a great way to have your doctor’s office drop you.
Anon
Why do you think they didn’t have a conversation?
Anon
I’m really starting to think we have more than one t r o l l here due to the flavor of the comments in support of this.
Anon
I’m shocked by how defensive and angry someone of the commenters supporting this are. Perhaps it is just one person who has done something similar and is all over this thread?
Women should have healthy boundaries and respect for men in the dating world. If a man doing it would be creepy, it is creepy when a woman does it too.
Anon
Yup, I fully agree. And fwiw, I used to give my number to guys in bars regularly and think it’s awesome for women to make the first move in social settings. But this is not a social setting.
Anon
+10000 to your last paragraph
Maybe the bridge dweller is a dude who does this kind of thing (there are lots!)
Anon
As an aside, this is my main problem with romance novels. Way too many of them paint things like like this as adorable rather than creepy.
Anonymous
Agree 100%––and I’m an old who used to give out my number often, meeting guys at concerts, bars, etc. Shoot your shot in the moment. But to find them on socials without even an indication of mutual interest is downright creepy and weird.
And for the love of all, don’t continue to pursue if he doesn’t respond or your textbook harassment.
Anon
It’s getting very old having anyone with a different opinion being called a tr0ll. My hot take is this is probably generational. Lots of us remember dating before apps and gasp, meeting people like OP did, in person and boldly asking them out. I think the people shocked by this don’t have a lot of life experience.
Anonymous
I’m 50. And I think what OP did was really inappropriate. I have plenty of life experience meeting guys and in making a first move in person. But the whole thing is ick. You don’t do this to a doctor in his workplace and especially via his personal social media. Sorry, but “a lot of life experience” teaches you to respect professional boundaries.
Anon
I think it’s the opposite and young people are more comfortable being contacted by strangers on social media. I am not at all, but that’s probably because I didn’t grow up with it (Facebook came out when I was a senior in college, and everyone who added me there was at least a classmate or friend of friend, if not a close friend).
Anon
Yeah, I think you are right.
Anon
Sounds to me more like a lot of jealous people that OP is bold enough to go for what she wants.
Anon
Isn’t that always the creep’s response? You childless cat ladies are just bitter.
Anon
Try again – I’m happily married for decades now and when I was single had no problem giving my number to cute men I was interested in. Still think this is creepy and weird. It’s not a bar or a concert or a party at a mutual friend’s home. He was a professional trying to do his job and tracking down his personal social media is invasive and weird.
AIMS
Many years ago when I was just starting out as a lawyer, I met a nice guy in a setting that was somewhat similar – we weren’t directly interacting, but it was clearly professional and otherwise had a similar dynamic – and he sent me a really cute email a day later, after we were done with whatever we were doing, just saying that he really enjoyed meeting me, had never done this before but if there was any chance I would be interested to give him a call, and if not, to please feel free to ignore. We actually did have a lovely conversation when we first met, which I still remember, and I wasn’t interested because I had just gotten into a relationship. However, I do remember thinking that he was very charming throughout and that the whole thing was sweet. I probably would have at least called him if I was single. And as is, I wrote him a nice email back and he was absolutely lovely in return. Bad timing and all but I never thought it was creepy. So much is in how you say it, as much as in what you say!
OP, posting all this to just say that I think it was okay and I hope it works out!
Anon
Same here. Also a lawyer now and once upon a time I met another lawyer in a similar client-adjacent way and we dated for years. It’s perfectly normal to meet in real life, and so nice when that happens! I’m also rooting for you, OP.
Anonymous
You were peers. She is not a peer. And you didn’t go tracking down their personal info.
Anonymous
Here’s the difference: The OP’s guy has to continue to work in the doctor’s office and potentially see her, as opposed to just ignoring an email and never thinking of it again. And the initial reach involved breaking actual personal space that wasn’t proffered. Both of those things add an element of inappropriateness.
Anon
That feels pretty different to me because he wasn’t your patient/client and the email he used to contact you was presumably on a business card you gave him. No one is saying doctors can’t ask out colleagues. Obviously many many people meet their significant others at work or at professional networking events, but the doctor-patient relationship is uniquely privileged and her contacting him via personal social media accounts that he didn’t mention to her also makes this very different and more invasive.
Anon
I’m the poster who used to teach the GMAT. One of my GMAT students asked me out the day after classes ended. I wasn’t interested but wasn’t bothered.
Anonymous
For those of you who interview people and review applications — what are things on resumes/cover letters that stand out to you in a good way? Conversely, what makes you roll your eyes?
Anonymous
I don’t routinely interview in my job but was asked to review a friend’s resume since I’m always the type networking and trying to stay in the market even when I am not job searching. Eye roll – over 50 years old, still lists education on top like it’s the greatest achievement including scholarships she won in HS – think National Honor Society. Yes she went to impressive ivy schools, but so did many people in our east coast city. Was kind about it though because I don’t think it was bragging so much as, I’ve worked at the same job since I graduated college at age 22 and don’t know how to look for work or format a resume.
helloanon
I review dozens of lawyer resumes a week. Senior lawyers who are still using the law school resume format stick out because the formatting is just so boring and there is no reason for your education to stay at the top when you have real work experience. I would never reject them for it, but it is a missed opportunity to get your relevant experience front and center. Also –
Good: Easy to read and highlights your accomplishments, not just a list of key words from the job description. Those are important, but work them into the text of the resume.
Bad: Weird ordering such that it is impossible to tell what jobs you did and when and/or overly flashy formatting, images, etc. That’s definitely a “know your industry” thing, some are probably fine with more creative styles.
anon
helloanon– senior lawyer here. applied for a job recently and was paralyzed by options– think it seems very weird for someone with 25 years experience to do one of those heavily formatted (circles! squares! several columns and boxes) but yes, my resume is basically the same since law school (though my education is at the bottom). what do you suggest? is there a template online that you think the best?
anon
i mean i am a senior lawyer, not the poster who uses senior lawyer as their handle
Anon
Stand out in a bad way: A multi-page resume if you’re below director level. You include Objectives or you have a subjective description of yourself (if someone described themselves as hard working it’s an instant eye roll). Formatting is busy or difficult to follow. You include hobbies and interests but your job descriptions are short.
Stand out in a good way: The bullet points per job description have a logical flow. Descriptions don’t contain too much jargon but have enough detail about your responsibilities and knowledge.
anon
Flip side, single page CV when you are at the director level or otherwise, are at a point in your career that your accomplishments should take more than a page.
Anon
Disagree. C-suite here who routinely interviews VP and up and I think everyone should get to the point and under a page. It’s a marketing document not a permanent file.
Anon
I agree with you. The resume is a starting point for an interview. I don’t need to know the details of your projects in writing. I need to know you headed a project, and how big it was, and then we can talk about the details in the interview.
Anonymous
No, no, no. That’s dinosaur advice. You should want to go on more than one page at a certain point in your career because HR scanning systems are looking for keywords. You’re limiting yourself otherwise. Do a quick Google, and you’ll easily see this is correct.
Anon
Sorry but at a certain level, you aren’t applying through an HR scanning system.
Anon
Unless you’re applying to government! Then a 5 page resume is normal and expected.
Anon
Skipping dates for things like time in a position or year of bar admission is a pet peeve. I generally presume that someone is either trying to hide their age (which I understand because age discrimination is real, but I still need to understand that applicant’s career flow) or worse, because they are trying to hide periods of unemployment. I also discount time spent lself-employed” as a consultant or in a solo practice, since little can be verified.
Anonymous
You do understand that attitudes like yours are why people are trying to hide periods of unemployment, right?
Roxie
When the cover letter is focused on the candidates’ interests and goals – rather than what the organization or company would gain by hiring them- I roll my eyes. I’m not your professional development ladder, I’m trying to get a job done and want you to also help get the job done.
Anon
I’m just looking for it to coherently explain their work history, education, and skills. Maybe a low bar, but I’m not picky about resumes or cover letters. The worst resumes I see are ones where the details under each work experience is overly long and not to the point. I don’t want to have to read it multiple times to figure out what you do.
Anon
Typos stand out in a bad way. I mean, come on.
Anon
Inconsistent grammar or formatting when the role applied for and their work history indicate they should have that together. Third person descriptions of themselves. Interns with way too much info. Comic sans.
AIMS
I tend to roll my eyes at generic hobbies. I wouldn’t include them personally but if you do it should be something interesting not just “a cooking and travel.”
Also any obvious typos or formatting errors are usually a red flag.
I also see a surprising amount of unprofessional email addresses. This one is usually from older people who maybe just never bothered to update their personal email but it’s always jarring. I actually debated reaching out to someone once to just gently suggest that she update her email for job searching purposes (it was something like LawyrMama213 @ ——. … obviously I didn’t).
Anon
I would also add using an email service that makes you sound ancient, like Hotmail or AOL.
Anonymous
If you are the one in your household who cooks and thus has fallen into the routine of being the one who is responsible for dinner and meals generally and all that comes with it, does your spouse or partner thank you? Whether it’s an explicit – thanks for making dinner – after the meal, or just a general acknowledgement that YOU are the one doing all the heavy lifting day in and day out? Like many women I have fallen into this, even though we both work equal amounts. He rides on his – oh I can’t cook, we’d be eating grilled cheese. Yet lately I’ve noticed he just EXPECTS me to meal plan and deal with dinner whether it’s cooking or deciding what take out or whatever. It feels like I’ve fallen into a mommy role and I don’t like it. Married 3 years FWIW and did not live together prior to that.
Senior Attorney
Oof! Talk to him! Figure out a system! And to answer your question, we both thank each other for cooking and everything else, multiple times a day.
Anon
Plus a million to this!
Do not keep doing this— you will resent him, which is a terrible spot!! And if he refuses to help, then that’s also good info to have.
For my relationship—my partner is a former chef, so he does probably 2/3 of our meals. He is extremely efficient in the kitchen and specific about how he wants everything cleaned and put away, so whoever cooks also cleans. We are both happy with this. When he’s cooked many days in a row or when I know he’s busy, I’ll pitch in and cook for a day or two (and clean up after). Or I figure out takeout, which I rely on more than he does.
We both always say thank you for this and lots of other tasks around the home. For someone below who says that it’s a platitude— it isn’t with us! We found each other in our late 30s and genuinely feel happy and appreciative of the other person.
Anon
That was me, and I think to me, even though we do say thank you often enough, even the most sincerely meant thank you is a platitude. I don’t really care what you say, I only care about what you do. So if you expect me to make you dinner every night, and never help out with anything else around the house, I don’t care how nicely you say thank you, it’s meaningless. I care that that my husband pulls his fair share in general and always walks into the kitchen and asks if he can help or just automatically picks up a spoon to stir something on the stove or washes the dishes in the sink or whatever else needs to be done while I’m cooking. That I can count him to open a jar, move things out of the way when my hands are full or dirty, chop veggies, or take over the entire meal if I’m not up for cooking is way more important than a thank you. And I do try to do the same when he’s doing repair work around the house. I might not always have the strength or knowledge to fix whatever he’s working on, but I try to be available to be an extra pair of hands if he needs it and to try to learn more so that I can do it myself in the future (this is especially applicable to the OP whose husband claims he can’t cook- this is a skill that can be learned!).
Anon
I don’t know why people dig in on this so much. (not this thread, but a prior one.) You can thank someone and have it not be a platitude. No one says that if someone thanks you they no longer have to pull their weight around the house. One can do both! It’s not impossible!
Anonymous
To anon at 10:51
Not the person you responded to, but I’d be interested to see the thread you were referencing , I missed that one. Do you remember any other key words from the thread that could help searching?
Like the person above, I prefer actions to thanks, but I try to remember that other people have different preferences and would like to read that discussion.
Senior Attorney
I think it was this thread: https://corporette.com/short-sleeve-dart-dress/ And there was a follow-up about it in the next day’s thread, too. I am Team Thank You, now and forever. Obviously words alone aren’t enough if you’re not pulling your weight, but holy guacamole, I feel like a “thank you” is the bare minimum.
Anon
If I cook, I do not clean. Cleaning is the thanks I want. Not having to clean is a gift. There is only so much time I want to be standing on my feet each day.
anon
Ewww I hate this for you. We used to make dinners together but now typically do not. We also thank the person who made dinner. Our ratio is about 50/50 in terms of actually making the food served at meal time, although I do almost 100% of the grocery shopping, which doesn’t usually bother me. He does more of the dishes. We have a “pantry” of things that are always in the house that a variety of meals are made from.
I think the way to force the issue is to just…make him make dinner. I have a hobby that keeps me out until 9:30 twice a week and the general expectation is that he makes me dinner on those nights so it is ready for us to eat together when I get home.
Anon
DH did not appreciate the physical and mental toll of meal planning and cooking until he had to do it himself. I decided to take some nights off so he would have to make dinner, and no it couldn’t be grilled cheese. Sometimes I made dinner just for myself. Now he almost always thanks me when I make dinner.
On a side note, now that I know how hard it is to plan and make meals, I wish I thanked my mom more.
Anan
I had a boyfriend once who always thanked his mom for each and every meal. He was the kindest person I had ever dated.
Anon
Well, then tonight we’re eating grilled cheese, motherfucker, because it’s your turn to cook!
(But in my marriage, I like cooking and my husband doesn’t, so I cook most nights. If I don’t feel like cooking, we either fend for ourselves or he cooks something super simple like a pizza. He does the dishes and more than his fair share of the other housework, and our division makes complete sense in our house. But it sounds like you don’t really like cooking? Like it’s not a source of joy for you? So yeah, then it needs to be either you each cook for yourselves or you take turns).
Anon
I don’t cook. Prior to kids that meant I clean. Now husband manages all adult food (including cleaning) and I manage all kid food (daycare lunches, mix formula, homemake baby food). I thank him at meals. He doesn’t meal plan or meal prep – he walks around the grocery store and buys whatever strikes his fancy for the week and then night by night makes whatever he wants from that set. I’ll sometimes impact that in-the-moment decision based on how quickly I want to eat or if I’m not hungry, but it’s really his call. We are equal votes on whether and where to get takeout.
Anon
I hate to say it but walking around the grocery store buying things for the week is meal planning, even if it isn’t super strict.
Anon
I do the meals (planning, shopping, cooking) in our household and my husband and kids all thank me, as do I if my husband takes over for a night. Cooking (and all the mental and physical prep) is labor and while the ‘thanks mom’ is a little perfuntory I hope it reminds my kids that this is work, and people should appreciate it!
I’ve already warned my husband that when the kids are out of the house my cooking will be 2 nights a week max, as I can happily do girl dinner most nights.
Anonymous
Why are you doing it? Just stop?
DH and I sit down and make a meal plan based on our work schedules/activities and what/when we want to eat and when we have plans with friends or date nights. Like I don’t want to eat pasta one night if I’m going out for Italian the next night with my girlfriends. We split cooking with DH preferring to do more in the summer when it’s more grill based and I do more in the winter because I love trying different soups and stews.
If he can’t cook he can take a class and learn. Or he can be in charge of grocery shopping or some other household tasks. When you weren’t married, how did he eat? Was it just take out all the time?
Anonny
This was a frustration in my marriage as well recently. We decided to do a 7 day rotation of meals. I cook for 7 days while he cleans up, then he cooks for 7 days and I clean up. Whoever is cooking is in charge of conception, planning (shopping), and execution. If that person wants a restaurant meal or take-out that is A-okay but they do the planning for this. 7 days in a row means the “cook” can plan some coordinated meals that share similar ingredients (which would be more challenging if we switched cooks every other day). We make few exceptions to this schedule. If the cook is going to be out of the house at meal time or traveling then the remaining spouse feeds themselves. It has honestly been SUCH a relief to have this pre-planned and organized without the need to discuss and delegate duties all the time. Highly recommend.
Anonny
Also, if he “can’t cook” then this is an excellent time for him to learn! Don’t micromanage him, he is an adult and can read some food blogs and cook books himself. Let him figure it out even if that comes with bumps in the road, grilled cheese, and occasional “emergency frozen pizza” as we call it. He is in charge of his days, don’t step in a rescue him.
Anonymous
I do the majority of the cooking and meal planning. He always does all the dishes and thanks me for cooking. I ask for suggestions from my husband and kids for things for dinner during the week, so that way I don’t have to think of everything all the time. We grocery shop together. I do plan at least one night a week where he will grill and we plan one night a week (at least haha) where we get take out. He is fully in charge of that. If I am really wanting a particular thing I will tell him, but otherwise he knows what I like at our usual spots and will pick it up on his way home from work or we go out as a family. If I am having a particularly busy or draining week at work I will tell him that he needs to handle dinner for the family and that I don’t care what we eat. That often results in pizza more than I would like, but once I hand that over I don’t try and manage it. On the nights he happens to get off earlier than I do, he will cook or at least start dinner. If he is off on a day I am working, he will usually have dinner made by the time I get home. I post our weekly menu in a shared “note” on our phones so everyone knows what we are eating that night.
Anonymous
My husband plans all dinner, grocery shops, and makes dinner. I thank him every night. I’d do dishes each night but it’s either dishes or kid bedtime and I typically do kid bedtime.
Is it always something I like? Of course not. But for reasons, that role is his right now and he does a great job. It’s healthy and includes protein, veg and starch.
Before kids, I tended to do indoor cooking and he manned the grill, so a more even split of duties.
When he first took this over he’d ask me midday what I wanted for dinner. Which sounds lively but I can’t think that way mid work day. After several months of this I told him what I wanted was to not be asked and for him to just come up with things. I believe he has a four week circuit that he rotates through with a couple edits for weather.
I realize I’m lucky and try to be appreciative.
anon
Assuming it is actual incompetence cooking, not weaponized incompetence — I took my (now) spouse to several date night cooking classes. This really helped expand the number of meals he learned how to cook as he comes from a family of that either does not cook, or are terrible cooks. So, all of the basic cooking skills never were transferred to him – like he did not know what to do with fresh garlic when we first started living together or how to cook chicken.
Anon
Meal kits are another easy way to teach someone to cook.
Anonymous
Not trying to bash your DH but just a warning from someone who comes from a traditional culture – men are VERY quick to enjoy being mommy-ed. If you continue to do all the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, and clean up after and a meal just appears on the table nightly at 6 pm, guess what after a few months it becomes the expectation that this is your job for the next 50 years. And if you then try to put some of the responsibility on him even for a few nights per week, I’ve seen men in my culture be very – oh but IDK HOW to cook, HOW to grocery shop, it’s sooo confusing. Meanwhile the dude is arguing before appellate courts or building skyscrapers or seeing ill patients at work, but pasta and vegetables is just soooo confusing.
So work out a plan ASAP that has BOTH of you contributing to this, and stick with that plan no matter how much he or MIL – if that’s an issue for you – act like you’re a bad wife and should just handle this. Someone posted here weeks ago about how she and her DH had been out of the house all day and she was exhausted and just wanted to grab takeout so there would be no planning, dishes, cooking that night. Her DH was having anxiety about that for whatever reason. My advice then – grab the takeout, say that’s what is for dinner – there’s enough if he wants it – but he’s free to cook himself anything else he wants, and then DO NOT lift a finger. Even if he’s sitting there miserable eating cereal and making you feel like you’re a bad wife or whatever – you said you were not cooking or cleaning up tonight, so don’t.
Anon
We say thank you for literally everything, so yes, I get thanked for making dinner (which I do more than he does) and I thank him for cleaning up after. It’s two seconds of time from each of us that goes a longgggg way.
nuqotw
+1. We have a thank you pact. If one person does a thing the other must notice and say thank you. It’s 2 seconds and helps everyone to feel appreciated and valued. If one of us feels like some work went unnoticed it is okay to say what you did and that you would like some thanks and the spouse obliges. We thank the kids for doing things (we could be better about it) and prompt them to say thank you as well (hopefully it will stick).
Anon
We do too. I see it as just acknowledging what we’re doing and even if it’s expected or whatever, it’s still nice to have your effort acknowledged.
Senior Attorney
Exactly. It just makes life a little nicer.
Anon
I do the bulk of the cooking in our house, but as a vegetarian who mostly eats vegan, my husband doesn’t always want to eat the food I cook, so he also does some cooking of his own and doesn’t take things too much for granted (daily thank yous for regular stuff seem excessive, though. We’re more the kind to just chip in with help than with platitudes). He also does the majority of the outside chores and a fair amount of the house maintenance work, so overall house work feels like it’s divided fairly evenly and I greatly prefer cooking to mowing the lawn. Is he doing other things that you don’t really notice the work involved with because you don’t do them? I know some people say cooking takes up a lot more daily energy than yard work, but I’m mostly a bulk cooker, so I don’t cook every day or spend any more time thinking about meals than I want to. If it’s not something you enjoy, work on ways to do it more efficiently (as a joint project, not just you).
NYNY
I do the meal planning, shopping, and cooking because I like to do it. Which also means that if I don’t feel like it, we’re getting takeout or going out, and it’s my call. But DH thanks me all the time and regularly compliments my cooking. And I never clean the bathroom or wash the sheets and towels, because that’s all him.
anon
I do 100% of the meal planning and shopping, he does 90% of the cooking. I do maybe 40% of the clean-up. I thank him and compliment the food pretty much daily, and he definitely is thankful for my contributions, though he doesn’t say it quite as often. I actually miss doing more cooking, but he’s ok with it, and it gives me time to work out, which I wouldn’t otherwise fit in a lot of the time.
Anonymous
I am not the one who usually cooks because I get home later. I do the dishes and cook some on the weekends or after dinner to create leftovers for lunch/future dinners. I don’t routinely thank my husband, but he doesn’t routinely thank me for the things that I do (e.g., I do most of the grocery shopping). I do try to compliment his cooking. It would actually annoy him if I thanked him as he would think I was acting like he was doing something special instead of just being a good partner. In general I think division of labor within a marriage makes sense, but you have to be okay with the division, regardless of whether it conforms to traditional gender roles or not, and only you and your partner can decide what you are comfortable with.
anon
My partner is the one who cooks. He’s a SAHD, and he loves cooking. I will sometimes help, but mostly on the weekends. I do explicitly say, “Thank you for cooking” quite often. Honestly, part of the reason is to model gratitude for our son–I could be better about showing gratitude for its own sake.
My husband being the one who cooks, even as a stay at home parent, does not mean he is 100% responsible for everything to do with meals. My bandwidth varies from week to week, but we meal plan together 80% of the time, I wash about 70% of the dishes, and I usually do the big weekend grocery trip.
Anonymous
If you don’t want to feel like you’re in a mommy role, sort out what is happening that is making you feel that way. What is his part in creating that dynamic? What is your part? What changes do you want to make to disrupt the dynamic? (I’m guessing this is about more than whether he says thank you.)
Anon
Yes, he does. And I wouldn’t be married to someone who didn’t.
Anon
You sound so frustrated — I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. To answer your direct question: yes, we thank each other (to whomever cooks and for other chores). It’s a meaningful practice and good modeling for our kids.
To offer thoughts on your indirect question: you need to have a conversation and let him know that you’re burdened by the assumed expectation. In that conversation, ideally the two of you can set up a plan (every other day, etc.). But if not, then you should put down the heavy box you’re carrying and stop managing dinner. Make your own and let him deal. Then you’ll probably have another conversation.
Good luck.
Anon
We thank each other every time we do something whether it’s cooking dinner, cleaning, taking the trash out, etc.
For meals, I agree with everyone that he can learn to cook, my husband’s ex-girlfriend taught him so I got that benefit. We split up the week so we each cook two nights, have two days nights where we go out or order takeout and one free-for all, usually when we meet up with friends for dinner or have a work event. There’s flexibility, but only having two nights a week to plan for makes it all so much easier.
anon
Anyone have itinerary recs for southern Germany in winter? We are skiing for a week in the Italian Alps (Val Gardena area), then have a week to drive wherever, so long as it ends in Germany, for car rental return reasons. We are thinking of doing some version of the Romantic Road, ending in Frankfurt, with a day or 2 in Munich. Our interests are history, art, and architecture, and we are looking for a “fast pace” to the travel. We have done some internet and library book research and have a general map of stops, but hoping for some real world experience. We are hoping that in winter the crowds will be more manageable, and we are experienced winter drivers, but leaving some time in the event of inclement weather.
anon
not sure if by winter what you mean but i had a whole trip planned that included Nuremberg which has history and apparently a beautiful christmas market but instead we all decided to go to cancun.
anon OP
Sorry, good point – we are there the first 2 weeks of February. “Winter” hits different for skiing, lol. So not Christmas market period at all.
Anonymous
Vorarlberg in Austria is great for architecture, but February is super high season.
Anonymous
what time of winter? If it’s February holiday break, things can be super busy.
anon OP
Hmmm, good point! I’m trying to figure out when winter break is for 2025, and it looks like it may be super late this year because of super late Easter? March 3-7? Can anyone with actual German knowledge confirm lol? Either way we are pretty locked into dates, but it would set my expectations accordingly. https://www.holidays-info.com/germany/school-holidays/bavaria/
Anonymous
It will vary by location. To go from Italy to Germany you need to drive through either Switzerland or Austria. Generally speaking, there is a week off in February and a week holiday before Easter Sunday..
The highways will be jam packed on Saturdays around any of these holidays – hours and hours of ski traffic as Saturday is the changeover day for most places with week long packages.
It’s not an official source but I generally find feiertagskalender (dot) ch to be pretty accurate. You can always check on official govt or tourism websites.
Anon
Check out Freiburg and surrounds. Love it in winter (and summer…and anytime).
Munich anon
If you post an email address, I‘m happy to chat.
Anon
Kitzbuhel, Austria is a lovely and beautiful area. It is about 1.5 hours from Munich, and depending on where you are coming from in Italy, it probably would be on your way from Italy to Germany.
laila
The Romantic road is a great idea. We did part of it a few years back, but in asparagus season.
I’ve also liked Merano, Münich, Hopfensee, Baden-Baden
Anon
Anyone been to LeBlanc in Cancun and want to share their personal experience? Or other recs for an adults only resort in the Cancun area for a ~4 day couples getaway? Adults only is a must; all-inclusive is preferred but not required. We’re foodies and like low key activities like yoga, spa stuff and cooking or wine-tasting classes but don’t want a party atmosphere. We’ve been to and loved Live Aqua and did consider going back but we really like trying new places.