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Updated: Nov 8, 2021 447 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Collingham Jacket in Premium Wool

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A Black woman wearing black pants and a patterned black/white blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I know I can always count on The Fold for truly swoon-worthy pieces, and this wrap blazer is no exception. Everything about it is pure perfection, including the ivory-and-black checked pattern, the gorgeous Italian wool with just a tiny bit of stretch, and the immaculately tailored silhouette.

I would wear this as a statement piece over a basic black sheath or a pair of black trousers.

The blazer is $945 at The Fold and comes in UK sizes 6–16 (U.S. sizes 2–12).

ASOS has a more affordable option that's on sale for $39.70 and available in sizes 2–14

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

    • Anon

      I love this, but my guess is that you really need to know the waist to shoulder measurement here. A bit off and it just wouldn’t work right.

      • Anon

        My sister needs long-torso bathing suits, so I know that this probably wouldn’t work for her. BUT if it looks OK on the models, who are usually very tall, maybe it would only look good on a very tall person or a person with a long torso? I am a shorty, so pretty sure it would hit me all wrong.

        • Anonymous

          The Fold runs a bit longer than most brands, but it’s still too short-waisted on my long torso. I think it would be just right for most who aren’t petite or short-waisted.

        • Anon

          A lot of models for clothing stores aren’t especially tall or they wouldn’t fit in the clothing. You can usually tell depending on whether or not the models are pushing up the sleeves on long sleeve shirts.

      • Senior Attorney

        I feel like an elegant giraffe would look fabulous in this jacket. What with the pattern mixing and long torso and all…

        • Elegant Giraffe

          Hah so kind :) an elegant giraffe would look good in anything I think!

  2. Cora

    What bag to take to work that holds your laptop, gym clothes, gym shoes, and maybe even lunch to work when you take the subway to work?

    Open floor plan and no regular gym is making this come up. I’m not sure how I feel about backpacks, although I know they’re common and would be fine in my office because I already look a bit young and dont want to add to that.

    • Cat

      um, no advice (other than preferring one bag for gym stuff and another for work, not a single giant bag) but I love that we are back to people being able to ask this question!!!

      • Also Anon

        Pre-pandemic I had three bags – my laptop backpack, my purse, and a gym bag. I felt an obnoxious bag lady taking all that on public transit, and will probably try to consolidate at least the laptop bag and purse into a single, stylist laptop bag from Kate Spade. I wouldn’t mind finding a single bag that carries everything, but I may worry about the gym stuff stankin’ up everything else.

    • Ribena

      I just bought a new backpack for this (the Boondocker from Passenger) although I will note that for ease I usually carry my gym stuff separately in a canvas tote.

      • Cora

        This works too. I do have a nice work bag. I could use either a canvas bag or maybe a gym bag that looks clearly like a gym bag.
        Any suggestions for nicer looking gym bag?

        • Ribena

          I’m using a heavyweight tote from the Dior exhibit at the Victoria and Albert museum so it has some fashion cred but very little style. I find gym bags are really personal – are you taking a towel? Bringing it home wet? How big are your running shoes? – so it’s hard to recommend

      • Cb

        Ooh, that’s nice. Work gave me a 15.6 inch laptop and it doesn’t fit in the zip pocket of my trusty Timbuk2.

        • Ribena

          Isn’t it! Even fully packed it’s relatively shallow (tall rather than deep) so I like it. Also compared to my previous laptop backpack I like the zip entry to the laptop compartment and the two external bottle pockets. (They are both roomy enough to fit a wide Nalgene or a coffee cup)

    • Anonymous

      Lululemon makes some gym bags that look a lot like work bags and have a laptop compartment.

    • Emma

      I do laptop + lunch + basics (keys, phone, wallet, small toiletries case) in my Cuyana trapeze tote, and gym stuff in a small, slim gym bag with a crossbody strap. I take the subway and it’s fine.

    • MND

      The OG from Lo & Son is the closest I’ve used that is big enough to carry all work stuff plus extra things (without feeling like I’m lugging a suitcase back and forth). I use it when I needed to carry pumping supplies, or gym, or lunch – depending on how well you pack, it could work for your needs

      • Bag

        Second this. The shoe compartment js useful and it has a laptop pocket. Plus you can zip the full thing closed without your things spilling out

      • Anonymous

        I have the OG and don’t find it to be space-efficient or user-friendly. The shoe pocket isn’t actually a separate pocket, so it doesn’t work if there is anything else in the main compartment of the bag, and it isn’t really big enough for athletic shoes. The top of the bag is narrower than the bottom and the opening is small, which results in lots of rummaging around trying to find and reach things. It makes me feel scattered and disorganized when I’m trying to set up for a presentation or pull my laptop or notebook out for a meeting. And it looks like a pump bag.

        • Anon

          +1 I bought an OG when everyone on here was gaga about it. I used it for a bit but I didn’t find it to be this amazing revelatory experience, and I felt like I was carrying a diaper bag around. I gave it to goodwill. Hopefully some basic c-r e t t e b1tch found it there and got all excited about it!

    • CHL

      I keep a lesportsac gym bag at my desk with gym shoes, flip flops, brush etc. in it and then I pack a gallon ziploc bag with a full set of gym clothes. The ziploc goes back and forth home with me in my professional (?) backpack.

    • anon

      This has always been my struggle! I have a walking/public transportation/biking commute and commute with some work stuff (especially now that I”m hybrid), breakfast/lunch/coffee/water bottle/snacks, and pre-COVID gym stuff (and maybe again soon? I dropped the gym and started working out at home during COVID, but could see myself going back).

      This is the closest I ever got: Large tote (mine is from Amazon, but similar to the Madewell ones), packed to the brim with personal stuff (wallet, keys, both phones, sun glasses, make, AirPods, and badge), work stuff (notebook, tablet/laptop), food (breakfast, lunch, snacks, Nalgene, utensils), and workout clothes (leggings, tank, sports bra, socks). I’d commute in wearing my sneakers and then switch to work shoes in the office. My workout clothes were not at all bulky, so actually packed down well. The big key was having most of what I needed both at home and in the office (including work stuff like mouse, laptop charger, pens, but also personal stuff like some snacks, lotion, Advil, all of those “just in case” things, and keeping a sweater/layer and work shoes at work).

    • anon

      I would do separate bags. Rothy’s has a cute tote bag that would be easy to clean if things get stinky.

    • Anonymous

      I bring my sneakers, 2 workout pants and 3 workout tops and keep them in my desk drawer in a soft gym bag. Every Friday I bring home 1 dirty set and bring back 1 clean one. Sneakers stay in drawer. Then there is no need to drag everything around everyday.

    • Anonymous

      I do two totes, one leather for work stuff, and a boat tote for my gym stuff. The canvas tote is washable.

    • Anon

      I never wanted my gym stuff co-mingling with my work stuff or my everyday things like wallet/glasses case/makeup bag. So I honestly just carried an old canvas tote bag for gym stuff.

      In my last office job I fortunately could just drive to work, so I’d carry my gym bag with my sweaty stuff out to the car after I worked out. My routine was to keep my gym bag in the back of my car at all times, so when I came home with sweaty stuff, I’d wash it, then put it back in the gym bag and put that back into the car rather than putting things back in drawers.

      A woman I worked with kept her gym stuff in a drawer in her office, and after she worked out you could really smell it in there. She couldn’t smell it, apparently, but everyone else could.

    • Anon

      Caraa makes some great combo bags. I have the Studio 2 which I use primarily as a backpack but they have some convertible totes too. The quality, look, and feel are outstanding and commuting through Seattle my stuff has never gotten wet.

  3. Anonymous

    What does one wear in Las Vegas? I’m going for the first time ever next week, for a reunion where there are a couple of seemingly fancy social events, and DH and I are going to at least one show. Looks like weather might be high 70s in the day and 50 at night.

    I’m a lifelong New Yorker so my general fashion uniform is shoes in which I can walk a lot and simple/classic dark-colored dresses.

      • Anon

        Yes — it is almost astounding how it is just like the alien cantina scene in the first Star Wars movie. That said, if you like to dress up, dress up! I feel like the rest of the world is so casual now, I just don’t bother. But even if I am next to someone in a track suit and then again next to someone in clubwear, you would not be or feel out of place in Las Vegas in a tuxedo or fancy dress.

      • Anon

        This. Comfy shoes a must. You walk for miles just getting to your hotel room.

    • Anon

      I would default to cocktail dresses for evening events. Comfortable shoes are a must as well. If you want to shop your closet and use your existing dark/classic dresses, I would lean into a statement clutch or other accessories that are at the edge of your comfort zone.

      Daytime is a free-for-all. Dress for the weather and what makes you feel good. No flip flops, and bring a purse large enough to tote a bottle of water/etc. There is a lot of walking.

    • Anon

      For your specific events, from my closet I would take a couple of silk dresses (they pack up well), Sara flint heels (not the highest height but the middle one that’s about 2.5 inches), and a statement jacket. For days, athleisure and allbirds.

    • aBr

      For dressing up, romper/jumpsuit or jeans + cute top. Guy version is fancy sneakers, non-jeans jeans + unlined jacket. When I went about a month ago it has become decidedly way more casual than in the past. Rule of thumb was dressing up wasn’t really required unless the price of entry (so to speak) was over 300 combined for me and hubs, whether that was the price of dinner or a show.

    • trixie

      Sparkly/fancy sneakers or flat shoes, a fun and bright dress, maybe a midi would work better with the shoes, a statement bag or clutch, and a topper of some sort. Look festive and fun, and be comfortable!

  4. Anon

    I got the Director level position that I had been applying/interviewing for! I had posted about it early in the interview process, and I appreciate all of the advice around moving from manager to director level!

  5. pugsnbourbon

    Low-stakes Monday question – what’s your favorite lip balm? I use Blistex during the day and aquaphor at night, but my lips are still super dry. Trying to drink more water but looking for a stopgap.

    • Anon

      Fresh lip balms at Sephora are my go to… but a great option is actually pure lanolin. You can find it in the b-feeding section of a store like Target, usually in a purple tube.

    • Cat

      I like good old Chapstick. The point is to seal the moisture in once it’s there, and the waxy barrier really helps with that.

    • London (formerly NY) CPA

      Aquaphor day and night. Not the lip-specific kind of Aquaphor but the normal big tube (they’re different formulas, only the normal kind works for my really severe dry lips). My dermatologist said it’s the best thing on the market to deal with my severe issue.

    • Anon

      It has a weird, medicinal smell which might be lanolin, but I started using Bag Balm and I am a huge fan. It works better than anything I tried, and I tried everything. I heard beeswax might make dryness worse, so I steer clear of anything with beeswax or paraffin.

    • Anon

      I am a lip balm junkie, but nothing helped until I addressed the root of the problem.

      Wash your mouth after eating and drinking. Not just dabbing with a napkin, actively use face wash on your lips and in the corners of your mouth. Oils and spices cling and dry your lips.

      Try an SLS-free toothpaste. Allergies to SLS can manifest as dry, peeling skin.

      Make an occlusive barrier when you apply skin products, especially at night. Chemical exfoliators, prescriptions, tretinoin, all are too harsh for lips. Cover your lips and make a border a few mm past the lips with Vaseline, then apply your products.

      • Anon

        I realized recently that I actually haven’t used lip balm since I sorted some vitamin deficiencies and switched to sensitive skin products (SLS-free toothpaste, vanicream face wash, retinaldehyde instead of retinol, etc.; my skin is ultrasensitive). For washing after eating, I can get away with basically wet wipes for adults rather than face wash, but it does help.

    • Anon

      O’Keefe’s makes one that is pretty good. I forget what it’s called – I call it working lips but I know it can’t possibly go by that name :)

    • Anonymous

      Day: Supergoop Play! SPF 30 (I am in Denver and have had no burns and minimal chapping – I use all year)
      Night: currently experimenting with Laneige sleeping mask. It’s so-so.

      • AIMS

        I also don’t get the hype over the Laneige sleeping mask. I don’t mind it as a product but find nothing special about it. Are people just slathering on more than I am to see effects?

        When my lips are truly chapped the only thing that actually works to help quickly is Dr. Lipp Original N*pple Balm. Can’t recommend more highly. It’s the only thing that ever “solves” the problem for me.

    • Anon

      Burt’s Bees is all I use. I don’t like their original flavour, I use the other ones.

    • anon

      poppy & pout is the best lip balm I’ve ever had. As a matter of fact, this reminded me that I’m almost out of my current tube, and I’m going to order a new one for my Christmas stocking.

    • Anon

      The blistex may be messing you up. I’d drop that and use the aquaphor day and night. Try not to lick your lips. I personally use a lip balm with SPF during the day – I like the butter stick from Kiehls.

    • Mon

      I’ll throw in the possibility of an allergy. I have generally sensitive skin and my lips react to nearly everything by feeling very dry. It took me years to figure out they weren’t dry but flaring up. I stay away from anything in a stick.

    • Anon

      Hear me out…

      Earth Mama Organic Nipple Butter

      I had a bunch leftover after nursing and didn’t want it to go to waste. It works really well!

      • Anonymous

        +1 for nipple balm! I think it’s lanolin, but there are tons to choose from and it’s what I now use for my lips. Just get one without the word nipple prominently displayed (like I did)

    • RR

      For day: Glossier Balm dotcom is their best product and amazing. I barely have to reapply.

      For night (and sometimes day): Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask

    • anon

      Best one for me has been the Jack Black intense therapy lip balm, specifically the Shea butter and vitamin E, with spf 25. It holds up so well to the chicago winters.

    • dating follow up

      Cocoa butter vaseline at night is the best for me, cheap and the most effective.
      Burt’s Bees during the day because I don’t like to stick my figure in the tub w/o washing my hands.

  6. Receeding hairline?

    I have noticed that my hairline is receeding, especially on the sides of my forehead (widows peak). There’s a bit of new baby hair, but overall it’s getting pretty bare.
    I’m almost 40. My hair is wavy/curly, between chin and shoulder-length, and wear it with a side part, which I’ve started to switch sides in an attempt to create less pull. I try to not wear it pulled back/in a ponytail too often. But with wavy/curly hair that doesn’t always comply with my styling attempts, I will realistically still need the occasional smooth front. My forehead is already quite large, and bangs are super tricky due to my hair texture.

    Any tips/tricks/products you’ve tried to slow the process of losing more hair in the front?

    • Anon

      I have the same texture and same problem. Be careful with purse straps and seatbelts. Especially with curly hair, they yank and break strands in the front.

      I’ve started 5% minoxidil foam and while I don’t see much regrowth, it definitely has stopped the fall. My shower drain is no longer a horror show.

    • Anonymous

      Monoxidil for women cured that for me.
      The short baby hairs are a stage in the follicle giving up completely. You have a better shot at saving them while there is still hair growing even if wispy.

      • Anonymous

        I use the foam just in my temples. I don’t like to use more medication than needed in general. It took about a year but I have good hair there now.

      • Ci

        Seems like different brands carry this, which one do you all use? I have this problem too.

      • Anon

        +1 to this. I don’t have curly hair, but I thought for a couple of years the prodigious number of wispies were hairs growing in. They were actually hairs falling out, and I wish I had started minoxidil sooner.

    • Receeding hairline?

      Do you apply the foam all over the scalp or just in the areas where you notice hairloss?

      And what’s the advantage of foam vs. topical solution?

      • Hair Loss

        My dermatologist told me to apply over my entire scalp (I have a diagnosis of androgenic alopecia which is female pattern baldness), but I have a friend who does it just in the affected area.

        I like the formula with the dropper because I think it’s easier to apply. I think the foam vs solution is just based on what’s easier for you.

      • Anon

        I’ve used both foam and liquid. Liquid is a messy nightmare; it dribbled down my forehead no matter how sparingly I applied it, and despite frantic washing I ended up with forehead and temple fur. Foam stays put better.

      • Hollis

        I used the liquid for 6+ months and it made my scalp into an itchy, flaky mess. I thought it was massive dandruff, but the itch and white flakes went away a few days after I started the foam, so I recommend the foam instead. I use the 5% (for men) foam from costco.

    • hair

      Do you guys use the minoxidil every day, even if you prefer washing your hair less frequently? Anyone use it more sparingly?

      • Hair Loss

        I wash my hair twice a week and use the minoxidil twice a day (what the box says). I just started it, so I’m not sure the results yet.

      • Hollis

        I am using it daily, but I use the 5% (men’s version) foam every night. I normally wash every morning, but most times if I just comb or brush, I can’t really tell the difference in hair the next day, so I could get away with washing less often.

    • Anonymous

      For styling, you could try an off-centre part. Not a centre one, but maybe one cm or half inch off either way. Will give the same interesting look as a side part, but will not make the peaks more visually prominent.

      • Hollis

        Yes, this is the trick – no more center parting for me. And I also get my hair trimmed more regularly so that there’s more volume overall.

  7. Jess

    Has anyone undergone surgery to remove bags under the eyes (blepharoplasty)? I am considering it, but do not know anyone who has had this done (other than references provided by the doctor). If so, can you please share your experience? Were you happy with the results? How was recovery? Anything you wish you would have asked or known? Thank you!

    • In-House in Houston

      I can’t answer your specific question but I’m doing the same thing. I have a consult on Wednesday….hoping to get it done over the Christmas holidays so that I don’t have to go to work with red/swollen eyes. I just googled the subject in my area and a ton of doctors came up. Right now I’m going with a woman doctor who has a bunch of before/after photos on her website; I also checked the Better Business Bureau for complaints and I googled her name and “complaints” and nothing came up. Good luck!!

    • Anon

      I had it done a few years ago. I am super happy with the results. Recovery was fine. Your eyes are pretty swollen at first, but there is minimal pain. I think I took pain meds the first night, then switched to Ibuprofen. The major swelling was gone in a few days and I was able to cover up the bruising with concealer. The only real unexpected issue was I wear hard contacts and had issues taking them out until the swelling resolved (about a month).

    • Anon

      I haven’t, but would love to hear responses – I’m also looking at having this done. I’m fairly young, but have a lot of loose skin there (genetics, what can you do) even though the rest of my face still looks pretty young (I’m only in my early 30s!). I have a consult scheduled with an oculofacial plastic surgeon next week – she specifically specializes in the eye area. Fingers crossed!

    • Senior Attorney

      Yes, I had it done ten years ago and was and am super happy with it! The recovery was a little disconcerting because for a week or so my eyelids didn’t completely come in contact with my eyeballs so you could see the red inner lining of my eyelids at the corners, but I am told with the newer techniques this isn’t an issue any more.

      My advice for recovery is the same for all cosmetic procedures: Whatever the doc tells you the recovery time will be — double it!

    • anon

      I’m curious but also terrified by this procedure – I’ve always had prominent bags/puffiness under my eye (as confirmed by childhood photos, lol) and have gotten more and more annoyed about it as I’ve reached my mid-30’s….

    • Lizbet

      On a related note, has anyone had excess skin removed above their eyes to correct hooded eyes?

      • Senior Attorney

        Uh, yep. I always say I had one of the very last elective surgeries before the pandemic hit — last week of February, 2020. Easy peasy — local anesthesia in the surgeon’s office, my husband was there and we all chatted through the procedure. Minimal bruising, I took a week off work but that was really unnecessary — I could have had it done on Friday and gone to work on Monday. VERY happy with the results.

          • Senior Attorney

            It wasn’t that expensive at all (in the scheme of things) — I don’t seem to have good records but I think it was $1,250 for the uppers.

      • LaurenB

        My mother and sister both did. They are happy with it, but honestly, I think they permanently look different to me. I have the same hooded eyes that are getting worse as I age, but I’m not willing to change my look.

  8. Anon

    Has anyone experienced sudden hair loss but your hair eventually return to its normal thickness? I feel like I’ve shed a quarter of my hair over the last couple of months and my hair is very noticeably thinner. I don’t know why this is happening and I’ve scheduled appointments with my pcp and derm but I’m freaking out a little. Can anyone tell me stories about things returning to normal at some point? Is there a way to make this stop/reverse itself quickly? Anything specific I should be asking my doctors?

    • anne-on

      Yup, this happened to me, and it was entirely stress related. I got checked out by my derm (they also specialize in hair transplantation, so super qualified) and they said the follices were healthy and already beginning to grow back. It is apparently VERY common as both a side effect of covid and of stress. My stressor was work in December-February of 2020/21 (huge project with horrid stakeholders) and I noticed the hair loss in March/April. I’ve got about 5 inches of regrowth at this point, so everything is growing back normally.
      Not sure of your situation, but this really freaked me and made me reevaluate my work situation and switch jobs in the end. I’m not saving lives, there was no reason for me to put up with abusive stakeholders and bosses who refused to stand up for their team, especially right now.

    • Anonymous

      Yes but the hair loss followed an illness that required a hospital stay (not cancer). Have you had a major health issue?

      • Jeffiner

        Yup, my (vaxxed) cousin had covid, followed by a period of hair loss after he recovered. He wasn’t even terribly sick, just had flu-like symptoms for a few days.

        • Formerly Lilly

          I had big hair loss after Covid, and my PCP said he had a lot of complaints from his patients about that. I also lost a lot of hair in my early to mid 40’s. Saw all the doctors. No one id’d the problem. About half of what I lost came back over the course of several years. The onset was fairly sudden, and when I washed my hair my hands came away absolutely covered in hairs. I was very fortunate to start with much more hair than I needed.

    • anon

      Same issue here.

      The problem with me (I think): during WFH, I quit brushing my very curly hair. I’d shower, air dry, and put it up in a pony tail. Then, when I’d shower, I’d get quite a bit of hair fallout. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve started doing a coconut hair oil massage & brushing regularly: shower, air dry, rub in coconut oil, brush hair, and tie it up in a bun. I’ve noticed my hair getting longer and there’s less hair fallout when I shower now.

    • Anon

      I’ve had fixing iron anemia also turn around hair loss. I know that’s just an anecdote, but I want to reassure you that it could be something as fixable as that.

    • hair

      How old are you?

      I am 51 now and am perimenopausal, and I suspect it is partially hormonal for me, although I know people like to brush it off as stress. Lots of male pattern baldness in my family and maybe it is affecting me a bit too. Also, with COVID I have missed my usual appointments with my dermatologist and ran out of my spironolactone for acne. Someone on this board alerted me that this may cause my testosterone to spike, and for the hair loss to get worse.

      I still haven’t gotten my act together to make an appointment with docs, as both my PCP and derm left/retired during this COVID period. Like others have mentioned, every shower/shower drain clean out gives me a seizure and I am staring at my hairline constantly and I still haven’t dealt with it…. Part of me is embarrassed to see the doc and start complaining about this when a new doc will want to focus on mammogram/PAP etc.. and I worry about giving them a bad impression of me by focusing on my balding!!

      • Hair Loss

        I’m just commenting to say that no doctor who is worth going to will have a bad impression of you because you’re concerned about hair loss. Sure, hormonal hair loss isn’t deadly, but hair is so tied to attractiveness for women that there are actual negative psychological effects from hair loss in women. It’s not vain that you feel this way, and it is a medical concern and should be treated as such. I say this because I had a lot of similar concerns recently. I knew I was losing hair, and have been fixating on my hairline. I was afraid my dermatologist would think I was overreacting or silly or something for worrying about this. I couldn’t have been more wrong. She was compassionate and so helpful.

        Just going off what I learned from her— spironolactone is also used to treat hormonal hair loss in addition to acne. She told me that whatever treatments I used are basically a lifetime commitment bc the hair will be lost if I discontinue the treatment. So, if this is causing you distress, I’m encouraging you to get to a new PCP or derm as soon as you can to get that prescription renewed!

        • anon

          excellent advice all around! My derm has me on spironolactone, minoxidil and we also did PRP.

    • Sunshine

      This happened to me. I got diagnosed with celiac disease and the problem was gone once I was eating a completely gluten-free diet. A blood test is the first step in a celiac diagnosis. Mine was followed up by an upper endoscopy.

    • Anon

      Yes. I had something called telogen ellfuvium (someone posted about it last week.) Its basically where something like a major illness happens and stops the new hair production cycle – the follicles go into a resting phase I think – so you’re not replacing the hairs that fall out. I had mine confirmed by my dermatologist. I was losing tons of hair every day – it was all over my shower, all over my floors and my pillow and my clothes, and I could wrap my now-wimpy ponytail an extra time with the elastic.

      I had experienced the onset with a flare of rheumatoid arthritis about 4 months before the hair loss so that’s what everyone (rheumatologist, dermatologist, PCP) ended up attributing it to. Fortunately they must have been right because a year later now my hair is back to normal. I keep it about long bob length so my regular ponytail thickness is back.

    • Anonymous

      Have you lost weight recently? This is a common symptom after significant weight loss.

      Are you eating enough protein?

    • Anon

      So I have posted about my experience before but – I noticed hair loss in June of 2020 and went to the dermatologist, who said some of it was telogen effluvium from pandemic stress, but also said she saw progressing androgenetic alopecia, and recommended Rogaine. I kind of chose to hear what I wanted to hear and believed the majority of it was TE, and the hair would grow back. It did not, and for another year I continued to lose hair and didn’t do much about it besides take vitamins and hope. Finally in June of this year, I took a selfie that indicated to me how much my loss had progressed and I started Rogaine. I don’t know if I’ve regrown, but the loss has stopped, and my hair in the front looks thicker than it did. I have started doing microneedling and am going to do some platelet-rich plasma treatments in January.

      I say all this to say, don’t make the mistake I made and live in denial about your loss if your hair continues to fall out. My hair thinning did not have to be as bad as it is now, if I had accepted reality and started minoxidil when I had more terminal hairs to preserve. I completely agree that a derm consult is the best idea, but do it sooner rather than later. If what you have is TE, they’ll be able to tell you. If you have AA or another type of alopecia, the sooner you get diagnosed, the sooner you can start treatment and preserve your hair.

  9. Diana Barry

    I need help with my WFH cold-seasons outfit. For several years I have been wearing the Athleta polartec leggings, a Uniqlo ultra warm LS t-shirt or turtleneck, a zip-up hoodie/fleece (Uniqlo/LL Bean/etc), and then a blanket like a long skirt. I have a couple of down skirts but find the blanket to keep all of my lower half warmer. We keep the house at 65 (big house) to save on heating costs so I am cold otherwise, but I would like layering and pants suggestions – lined pants? Or should I wear pants over the leggings? Should I be wearing more than 2 layers up top?

    • Anon

      My office is usually between 61-63 and I find a point of diminishing returns with layers. Hot tea and making a point of moving for a few minutes every hour is what works for me. I do keep a set of long johns in a drawer for very cold days.

    • pugsnbourbon

      That is a lot of clothes to be wearing at home! I get the heating costs issue but could you get a smart thermostat and program it to heat different zones of your house? Or a space heater? I’d be so miserable at that temp.

      • Cat

        +1, the solution to this problem is not more clothes, it’s targeted heat where you actually need it!!

        • Flats Only

          This. When I was 100% WFH last winter we put the portable oil radiator in the home office on a timer. It came on an hour before I started work, so the home office was nice and warm. I generally turned it off after lunch once the sun hit that side of the house. It did not run up a huge bill, and I was comfortable in sweatpants, long sleeve tee and fleece pullover, vs. having to wear layers and layers and drink hot tea all day.

      • Anonymous

        This is definitely a case for an oil-filled radiator-style space heater.

        Or move your home office to the south side of the house where, if your house is anything like mine, it is always blazing hot in the winter.

      • MND

        Another vote for space heater! I like Vornado. You’ll be amazed how much having it blow near your feet will warm you up.

      • Anon

        I couldn’t use a space heater in my cold office but I could and did use a heating pad.

    • Anon

      I’d add another layer on bottom and 2 on top. Fleece-lined sweats (I love the Uniqlo ones) over your leggings for the bottom layer. Add a Heattech camisole (Uniqlo again) under your long-sleeve tee, and a wool sweater on top.
      Oh and wool socks plus slippers! I like LLBean.

      • anonymous

        yes, socks/slippers. keeping your feet warm will make a big difference.

    • Anon

      I personally tend to feel like a stuffed sausage once I try to layer pants. It’s okay to do pants that are thick or lined to begin with, but two waistbands just doesn’t work for me (I’m an apple and don’t like tight things around my waist, which probably makes me more sensitive to this). I just stick with blankets, since I’m mostly cold when sitting still and okay once I’m moving around. You could try warmer layers on top than just a fleece- I find wool sweaters can be much warmer, and pullovers are better than zipups- and add a scarf if you get cold around your neck. I also really like fingerless gloves to keep my hands warm, since I find that my neck, hands and feet are most important to feeling warm.

      • Anon

        I don’t think you need to make yourself miserable, but no matter how much money I make, I will always find it disgustingly wasteful that people keep their houses so warm in the winter that they don’t even need to wear socks and warm sweaters. We’re not going to stop climate change by turning down the thermostat alone , but I just can’t get over the attitude that it’s perfectly okay to burn huge amounts of fossil fuels because we can’t even bother dressing warmly first.

        • Cat

          I’m with you here but I don’t see anyone on this thread suggesting you should heat your house so warmly that you don’t need to wear warmer clothes…. or that Diana isn’t wearing warm footwear?

          She is literally channeling Joey Tribiani and we are trying to tell her “it’s ok not to need to wear 3 layers of pants in your own house.”

          • roxie

            “She is literally channeling Joey Tribiani”
            LOL and yes I agree. Multiple layers to WFH feels absurd for a fixable problem with either the obvious answer (a space heater) or reconsidering spending a few more bucks on home heating costs. Surely there’s a happy medium here.

          • Anon

            Yep. I grew up with a dad who was an energy-efficiency fanatic and picked up the behaviors, so we do wear sweaters in the house rather than turn the thermostat up. That being said, I have a space heater in my office because there are only so many layers I’m going to put on in my own house, and I also have Reynaud’s and there’s no amount of body layering that helps keep my fingers warm, after a certain point. It’s a ceramic fan-style heater and it is amazingly effective at heating up just my small space where I’m working without wasting tons of energy. Unless the OP is in Alaska, there’s gotta be a better solution than wearing three pairs of pants inside her house to stay warm.

        • Anonymous

          Literally not what I suggested. She’s currently so cold she’s wearing a blanket all day and considering multiple pants

        • Also Anon

          Yep, and I feel the same way about offices that have the AC cranked up to 11 so a lot of people are freezing. OP doesn’t need to turn her home into a sauna, but is it really worth saving money if you have to bundle up in your own home? If you’re still cold in leggings, socks, and a sweater (with a layer under it), it’s probably worth turning the heat up a couple degrees.

      • Anon

        Given what Diana has said about where she lives – New England city suburb – I’m betting that she has one of those lovely New England homes that are historic, beautiful, and, no matter how many times you replace the windows or have the insulation done, always have a chill in the winter.

    • nuqotw

      A humidifier will help it feel warmer. Tea and soup and one of those rice things you can heat in the microwave and keep in your lap. An electric blanket to sit on is also nice. (I like to be warm but I dislike the dry feeling of central heating so I am constantly drinking tea. I would eat soup November through March if the rest of my household would get with the program.)

    • Anon

      Can you talk to me about down skirts? I have shorter jackets in winter and would like to add a skirt to keep my lower half warmer. Seems more fun than buying a giant stadium coat.

      • PolyD

        I bought a puffy skirt – not down, just synthetic, because I was not willing to invest $100 – to use on walks because somehow the tops of my thighs always get colder than the rest of my legs. I like it – it helps with keeping my legs warm and when I wore it to an outdoor get-together, it helped keep my butt warm while sitting.

    • Anon

      Have you priced out what it would cost to heat your house a few more degrees? One of my great adult joys is setting the temperature where I like it (71 inside) and there’s virtually no difference in heating costs for that. Give it a try (and I bet the cost of all those leggings and layers is more han your heat).

      • LaurenB

        This board gets on people for ordering on A-zon and other non-woke practices yet it’s ok to heat your home to 71 in the winter? I bundle up in the winter and yes, that includes my home.

    • Anon

      Are you warming up and revving up your metabolism in the morning by whatever means works for you? (Hot shower? Hot beverage? Cardio? I have thyroid disease, so I really need to take my AM thyroid meds on time–and I need to make sure my dose is adequate too.)

      I honestly would add a down vest over your base layer if I felt cold. I think your leggings sound fine, but I would add real sheepskin boots.

      Don’t listen to the people who say to crank up your heat. 65 is fine. I like for the indoor temperature to be comfortable when I’m dressed for the outdoors and when I’m coming in from the outdoors or going in and out.

      • Anonymous

        I think 65 is too low for daytime. The difference in comfort between 65 and even 67 is enormous, as in a layer or two of clothing. 65 is great for sleeping, though.

        • Anon

          It’s true that I’m more comfortable at 67 during the day if I’m sitting around working. But if I’m going in and out a lot, doing chores, or cracking a window to get some fresh air (I like to get some fresh air into the house most days), I do let it get colder and just dress more warmly so I can have that trade off.

          • Anon

            I guess I’m not trying to be optimally comfortable while working; for me leaving the thermostat a bit lower encourages me to get up and move more than I otherwise would, and helps me feel alert? There are trade offs.

            I do feel a bit like a hypocrite because I hate cold office AC, but feeling cold in winter feels different to me.

    • anon

      I feel pretty strongly that life is too short to be uncomfortable in your own home! I would recommend either turning up the heat or getting a space heater for your office!

    • Diana Barry

      Thanks all! I located my space heater and will ask for down vest for Xmas. :) Also I have a Nest in the office, so I can set it a bit higher during the mornings and that will help with the temps for the rest of the day.

      I have found down or down alternative skirts at Title 9, Costco, Uniqlo, and Skhoop (the latter are expensive).

    • Anonymous

      This is why big houses have zoned HVAC. Program the thermostats in each zone differently depending on where you will be at what time of day.

    • Anonymous

      If you have ceiling fans, don’t forget to reverse them and leave them on a low speed. It’ll get the warm air off the ceiling and down to you where you actually need it.

    • Anon

      Have you tried an electric heating pad? Makes a huge difference for me and costs much less to run than a space heater.

    • Anon

      Definitely! Humidity makes things stick, and cooking oils tend to leak. If you don’t like liner material, I’d at least use plastic tubs to contain the potential mess.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Yes, but for the sake of the people who will live in the house after you, please, please don’t do the stick on contact paper–just get the non-slip liners (I have ribbed clear plastic shelf liners from Lowes that work great). I spent way too long trying to remove the horribly ugly and old shelf liners that had been added who knows how long ago when I moved into my house.

      • Anon

        I can’t imagine doing anything in my house just for the sake of the people who will live there after me. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to live in my current house until I die, but I’m definitely going to make my household decisions based on what I need and want, not what some stranger in the future might need or want.

        • Anonymous

          Then don’t use stick-on self liners for your own sake. They get nasty and then you can’t get them off to replace them. Multiple layers are even nastier.

          • MagicUnicorn

            I wish I could find this super-sticky contact paper you all have experienced that won’t come off! Mine (name-brand Con-Tact) seems like the adhesive wears out after a few years and just disappears, turning the liner into regular loose paper that wrinkles up and has to be replaced.

            The one apartment I had that had sticky shelves, I just added fresh contact paper on top and it was fine.

          • Anonymous

            There is 30-year-old Con-Tact paper that is never going to come out of my cabinets.

          • MagicUnicorn

            I guess I fall on the side of asking what the life expectancy is for those 30+ year old cabinets?

          • Anonymous

            The cabinets have had it, but my husband is cheap so I will be stuck with them and the contact paper forever.

        • Anon

          Agreed. What a stressful way to live, trying to guess the preferences of a future stranger.

    • Anon

      I do not, they get nasty and harder to fix than just cleaning up painted interiors.

    • Anonymous

      Depends on the current condition of the cabinets and what you plan to keep in them. Nasty old cabinets? Line. Storing food or anything that may have food residue on it such as small appliances? Line. Storing dishes in nice new cabinets? Lining optional.

    • Senior Attorney

      We are in earthquake country so my husband had already installed this “grip” shelf liner in all the cabinets when I moved in: https://www.amazon.com/DAZZ-8714388-Taupe-Classic-Shelf/dp/B01LWASQEE/ref=asc_df_B01LWASQEE/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=216569127040

      It’s fine and probably great in an earthquake, but I’m short and it deprived me of one of my techniques for putting things away on high shelves, which is to place them on the edge and the sliiiiiiiide them toward the back…

    • anon

      This must be very regional…I’d never line cabinets unless I’m actively covering up gross/very old cabinet shelves that I’m not replacing for some reason. I’d say that is the case with 99% of people I know…this is in Toronto, Canada.

      I do have my garbage in a drawer that I did put a plastic liner down in (non stick) but that’s it…

    • Anon

      My husband bought some spongey stuff that doesn’t have adhesive but is non slip. We use that for all painted shelves (old house) but not unpainted new cabinet shelves from cabinets we installed and know do not have lead paint.

    • Anonymous

      I only line the cabinets with things that will spill in them. Garbage cabinet, bathroom cabinets basically. Use baskets for baking stuff etc. rather than liner. The liner I do have is the clear plastic with grippy dots from IKEA (Variera).

  11. Anon

    I ran into a friend’s mom at a show this weekend (small towns, man) and she had trouble placing how she knew me. She asked “Oh, were you in Dana’s class at [college]?”

    I’m not one of those delusional types who thinks I’m eternally young, but Dana is 14 years older than me. That stung a bit. I guess the universe decided I needed a nudge, since I already have a consult for Botox tomorrow!

    • anon

      She’s a mom, she probably thinks of Dana as forever young! In commiseration, my sweet neighbor who is old enough to be my mom asked me if it was my 40th birthday coming up. Nope, 32nd! She was mortified. I think at 70, she has a limited sense of what 30 vs 40 looks like.

      • Anon

        Sort of agree — young people are just sort of fungible to me now if they are a generation younger, same way anyone over 40 was old, except for really old / fragile old people (who were in the “little old” bucket).

    • Anonymous

      Eh. I doubt she was being very observant and I find it very hard to tell ages in adults.

      • Cat

        Same, especially if she was just casting about trying to remember if and how you overlapped. I see how you could feel a sting but doubt it’s any actual commentary on how old you look…

    • Anon

      I think a lot of people use themselves as a barometer of the ages of others, which works really well in middle age but not so much at other times. I’m 40, so if someone is an adult but looks a lot younger than me, they are in their 20s. Somewhat younger, 30s. About the same, 35-45. Definitely older but not much, 40s. Much older, 55+.

      That all goes to hell when you’re 70. :)

      • Anon

        Yep, this. Also applies when you’re young. I definitely remember being a teenager thinking my parents (50s) looked the same as older relatives in their 70s. My parents did not look particularly old…

    • Anonymous

      She could not see well. My MIL has macular degeneration and does not recognize people well.

    • hair

      It gets worse…

      No one knows what a real 40-50 year old woman looks like anymore. And since I have let my grey hair shine through, I am regularly asked who I am when I bring in my 79 year old father to doctor’s appointments. Enough doctors have been dinged for asking the daughter if she is actually the wife, at least they no longer immediately start calling me “Mrs. 80 year old”. Yes, I have regularly been “mistaken” for being my father’s wife.

      It kills me every time.

      Wish you guys would stop with all the Botox. We need another feminist wave…

      • Anon

        We need a feminist wave to do what, make women stop doing what they want with their own bodies? Let people get Botox if they want Botox.

      • Anon

        Sounds like a you problem. I look 100% better with botox and filler – a lot of people do. That’s why it’s so popular. We’re not stupid.

      • Anon

        Enough men marry women who are the ages of their daughters (or even younger). That is probably at play here.

      • Anon

        I agree and the responses are disheartening. I’m going grey and don’t wish to dye my hair, but friends have remarked that women with grey hair look “old”. It feels to me that what they mean is that women with grey hair look old, and therefore ugly (to men, to the internalized male gaze), and therefore lose their social capital. Women should gain prestige and gravitas with age, just as men do when they age.

        • Anon

          Speaking of which, I transitioned to my natural hair color and I love the Gray and Proud Facebook group. It is really helpful for resetting my own biases about gray hair. There are lots of gorgeous women of all ages rocking their natural-color hair.

      • Anon

        “No one knows what a real 40-50 year old woman looks like anymore.”

        What exactly does this mean? How exactly do you define what a “real 40-50 year-old woman” looks like? Is it what you look like? Is it Cate Blanchett or Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts? Is it a little gray-haired grandma sitting in a rocking chair? I don’t think anyone gets to define that any more; we get to individually define that for ourselves. I will be a little gray-haired grandma in my 70s, maybe, but not before. Maybe not ever. I’ll see how I feel when I get there.

        My grandma looked like she was in her 50s into her 70s, and my mom has followed suit (and it looks like I got those good genes, thankfully). Grandma didn’t Botox as that was not a thing back then, but she did color her hair and she used good moisturizer and makeup. She wore up-to-date clothes and cared about her appearance. If other folks choose not to do that stuff, that’s their lookout, but just as you don’t want other people’s beauty standards imposed on you, I don’t want yours imposed on me. I feel better overall when I take care of myself and feel that I look my best. I feel more empowered personally and professionally when I don’t look around a room and feel like I am the oldest-looking person in there. YMMV. I don’t think we should all give up on doing what we feel like we want to do for ourselves because some people don’t want to make any effort at all with their appearance and they want widespread acceptance of that. Because FYI, I don’t think that acceptance is coming.

        • hair

          I think you know what I mean.

          Why would you think a movie star is an appropriate comparison to what a real 40-50 year old woman looks like? As you know, that is part of the problem.

          I mean, or course – a woman who can age gracefully without having to dye every grey hair, without painful peels and botox and injections and plastic surgery. Just… age as men do.

          As long as generations continue to accelerate the maintenance to removing all body hair/dying all grey/hiding all wrinkles, normal women who don’t have the time/money/desire to keep up with this will continue to be scorned and judged.

          Yes, these comments are discouraging. No wonder women make such slow progress, and abortion is on the chopping block….

          • Anon

            Lol at trying to equate people getting Botox with reproductive rights. Next time I recommend you warm up and stretch before you attempt such an audacious leap.

          • Anon

            I agree with you, hair OP. I appreciated being in the Bay Area and having senior women colleagues/bosses who wear very little makeup and don’t style their hair on a daily basis. It sets the bar as “clean, neat, professional attire” but not “perfectly madeup face, curled dyed hair and not a pore in sight”.
            I also appreciate moms who dont make the pinterest worthy perfect handmade valentine cards for each preschool classmate because that sets the bar a bit lower for the rest of us. It keeps it real and achievable, and helps us spend our time on less-superficial things (quality time with kids playing a game, or a hobby or exercise for ourselves).

  12. Jane

    Favorite decluttering tricks? I’ve read all the books and the entire internet on why and how but just can’t seem to actually be able to throw things (maybe growing up not wealthy is a part of the problem). I now live in a place where frankly donations are not needed/appreciated/thrown. Help!!

    • Anon

      Mine is don’t bother sorting into give away, donate, toss piles – you’ll never get rid of stuff that way. If you really want to clear out, one big pile to toss. Call 800 junk or equivalent. I like 800 junk because they sort on the backend and in my area work with Salvation Army, goodwill, etc. to donate things.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed. Sometimes things are trash! It’s a shame, and I try very hard not to bring excessive quantities of stuff into my house, but I cannot individually rehome 7 cords of mysterious origin and 20 very old magazines. I can and do recycle where available and I donate clothes, books, and linens to wherever is easiest to drop off. I’m not good at decluttering so I can’t be holding onto stuff hoping to find it all a happy home.

    • Cat

      Based on your mention of your upbringing, is the problem “don’t throw it out, we might need it someday and wouldn’t it be a shame to have to pay for it twice”?

      So, this depends on your clutter, but if you can play that out in your head now (I haven’t worn this in several years, I don’t think I’ll want to wear it again, but in 2025 what if I want to wear a red sweater? Well, this one is outdated now so I really won’t want to wear it then…) might help?

    • Anon

      Have you read Marie Kondo? Some of her advice is a bit crazy but she has some really good nuggets of wisdom.

      • anon

        While I definitely have more than I want, I truly can’t imagine that anyone has an extra 465 things in their house to get rid of over the course of the month!

        • No Problem

          I have done this, and you’d be surprised. Between clothes/shoes, books, kitchen stuff, makeup/nail polish/cosmetics, art/craft supplies, the linen closet and medicine cabinet, and decor, there are a lot of things you can find to get rid of. And that’s not even touching “junk” closets or drawers!

        • Anon

          The often quoted statistic is that the average American household has 300,000 items. Think about all those unused pens, hair ties, utensils, kitchen gadgets, tools, hangers, boxes, cleaning supplies, notebooks, etc. The list is endless.

    • anon

      I grew up blue collar and definitely have trouble getting rid of things because I’d hate to re-buy something I already had (and money is still tight for me as an adult).

    • Anonymous

      My tip is to do a single drawer or shelf a week. I have a big donate bag and a trash can handy. I review, pull out the stuff I don’t need, and neatly arrange what is left. Over the course of the year, I end up touching everything, but it’s not painful.

    • Sunshine

      My favorite decluttering trick is to buy less. I appreciate that won’t help you right now. But it will going forward. If you don’t actually need the item, don’t buy it. Items that aren’t really needed become clutter to be disposed of. So when you want to buy something because it looks attractive to you, stop, think, consider how that item will work in your real life (which is very different from your imaginary life). 90% of the time, I skip buying the item. If it helps you, add the money you would have spent on these items to a a fund that you then spend on experiences; experiences are fun and don’t bring home any clutter!

      • Senior Attorney

        Agree with this, and also I read something recently that really struck a chord with me: DON’T TAKE THE FREE STUFF. Don’t leave the event with it, don’t let it into your house. You don’t need all those t-shirts and water bottles and coffee mugs and key chains. I have SO MUCH free stuff floating around my house and I am determined not to let any more of it in!

        • Anon

          Oh that’s me! If I attend an event with a giveaway tote bag (happens a lot) I look through the bag for what I need – usually the meeting schedule – and give them the bag back. They can always use extras for future events.

          I also do not accept t-shirts. I don’t wear them. I won’t wear them. Again, the organization will have more use for it than I will.

        • lime

          THIS is really the best advice. I don’t accept freebies at conferences or trinket gifts for speaking somewhere, I don’t grab the free t-shirt at work, I donate the shirts from running a 5k, I decline the free gift with purchase… I truly do not bring home the stuff. If I can’t politely decline it, then I leave it somewhere at the event and “forget” to take it home with me.

          The ONLY exception to this is hand sanitizer. I can always use another bottle and will take any variety that smells halfway decent.

    • Anon

      My grandmother grew up on an indian reservation where the mentality was that everything could be taken away at any moment, based on the history of indian reservations… So she never threw anything away, my mom was the same, and I seem to have inherited the gene. But you do have to throw things away. Much of what you’re holding onto is probably not valuable or usable to anyone else, which is why your local donation-accepting charity would throw it away immediately upon receipt.

      The real solution is to acquire less going forward, but the solution right now is to get rid of stuff. What I like to do is to put a cardboard box in a cluttered area, and throw anything into the box that needs to go. I don’t have to do this all in one go. Maybe the box sits there for a week or two, but when it’s full, no take-backs. It all goes. No last look. Out.

    • Anonymous

      I’m guessing based on how you describe yourself that you might be doing a little bit of wanting to do the perfect thing with the items instead of just getting rid of them.

      Would highly recommend Dana K White for you, check out her youtube channel, or books on Amazon.

      I think that if the perfect solution not being available resonates with you (in this case, donations to somewhere that appreciates the things), start with her video “Big ideas can cause big decluttering paralysis”, but her ideas in general are great.

  13. Anonymous

    I have a question about ovarian cysts. Apparently I have them now, although I didn’t as recently as two years ago, and at least one of them is causing pain during my period (and it has grown over a two-month span). I know that most cysts will not become cancerous, but I do have a family history of ovarian cancer and I’ve also had digestion/GERD problems for almost a year now, which brings back really unpleasant memories of what my aunt went through because she was diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer. An abdominal ultrasound and colonoscopy were mostly clear (one polyp removed). What questions would you ask your doctor to help confirm that ovarian cysts are the non-harmful kind? Are there any other tests you’d push for? The only tests I’ve had are two ultrasounds two months apart. I have an appointment with the OB/GYN soon and I want to make sure I get a comprehensive work-up (she rushed me out of there last time).

      • Anonymous

        Wow, reading that thread was very painful. Her course was almost identical to my aunt’s and they both died. Ugh.

    • LST

      I have an unfortunate amount of knowledge about this topic! They can tell from the imaging whether cysts are fluid filled or solid. The ones that are fluid are generally not of concern. You can also ask for CA-125 blood test, which will look for the level of cancer antigens in your blood. It’s not a perfect test and your levels can be elevated for totally normal reasons, but if you were off the charts, it would raise the alarm for ovarian issues.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Do you have an online patient portal that lets you review the imaging results? When we found my big cyst last year, they uploaded the image description to the patient portal and I was able to review it. That should tell you if it’s fluid-filled or solid.

    • Anonymous

      Oh wow, what a lot for you to handle. My mother died of ovarian cancer with a similar pre-diagnosis set of symptoms to your aunt. I think we know more now, and so hopefully this is much less likely to be the case for women of our generation, but you DO have to advocate for yourself.

      My sisters and I have had genetic testing done and I am positive for a gene which puts me at increased risk of ovarian cancer, among other things. I had an amazing consultation with a geneticist and he has recommended a combination of monitoring/surgery that will give me the best chance of not contracting this disease. I found having the results and a plan to follow very empowering. Specific recommendations vary based on age because removing your ovaries too early can result in other issues. I am mid 50s and will have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed, with a CA125 blood test and ultrasounds before that happens. I will also continue to have regular mammograms and a yearly breast MRI in between those, and colonoscopies. Your own doctor might have other recommendations.

      It is a lot to have this on your mind but good for your for being proactive about your health!

      • hair

        This advice is excellent.

        I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. Wishing you and your sisters the best, including a long and happy life.

    • Anon

      My gynecologist was able to tell from ultrasound (based on structure of the cyst, presence of veins or whatever). In any case, my 10cm cyst was removed in one piece and sent for tests, results were good. Sending you good vibes!

    • Anonymous

      Thanks all. I’ll ask the gynecologist about the characteristics of the cyst – it doesn’t say on the report that is available in my patient portal. Appreciate the responses.

  14. Anonymous

    I’m planning a trip to Miami for a week over New Year’s for DH and me. We’re mid 30s, no kids. Recommendations for where to stay, eat, drink, things to do, either for NYE or otherwise? My ideal NYE is a fancy dinner followed by champagne on a rooftop overlooking revelers and fireworks. I’d like to feel like part of the action without actually being in a crowd of drunk people. My tolerance for being jostled was on the decline even before Covid, after 1.5 years of lockdown I’m so not into people in my personal space. But at the same time I miss people and the energy of parties and I want to be festive! Recommendations?

    • NYCer

      I think that Miami around NYE is quite expensive, but we have had nice stays the 1 Hotel and The Setai at non-New Years times.

      • OP

        Thanks I’ll take a look at those hotels. This is actually a plan B to the Keys, where a night at a not-five star hotel is still more than my mortgage! Miami looks to be a bit more reasonable.

    • Anon

      I’d recommend staying somewhere on the Beach. It’s so lovely to do your thing for NYE and then go to the water for midnight and stroll around seeing the scene. The Pubbelly restaurants and Byblos are nice, Bazaar is unreal-very special meal. On New Year’s Day, lots of people get Joe’s stone tab takeout (they also sell amazing fried chicken but might not be on the menu). Broken Shaker is fun for drinks, more casual.

  15. Freezer time

    I would like to put some crockpot meals in my freezer? Any tried and true recommendations?
    Trying to Google is turning up information overload.

    I have done Asian Peanut Chicken based on a recommendation here & need some more.

    • Vicky Austin

      Check out the Pinch of Yum freezer meals series! So many people here swear by them and they are so flexible for every diet.

  16. Emma

    Etiquette question re: neighbor’s kids. Our neighbors have a 7 and 4 year old. We are friendly, but not close – we’ve had a few patio hangouts, DH and the dad are friendly and hang out over beers occasionally. The mom is polite but not very warm. 7YO is chatty and obsessed with our dog. Recently, we’ve had two situations that I’ve been wondering about.
    (1) the dad asked us if we could watch the kids for 30 minutes a few weeks ago. They’ve done this before, but this time, 30 minutes became 5 hours on a random Saturday – they texted us that something came up. We took the kids for lunch and ice cream, watched movies, and set up the splash pad in our backyard. The mom eventually came to pick them up, and was like “OK kids say bye, it’s time for dinner”. No thank you for rearranging your entire day, she seemed annoyed that the kids were late for dinner and a little wet from splashing around on a warm day.
    (2) 7YO rang the doorbell yesterday, asking if he could pick up the leaves in my yard. I leaned over the railing and the dad was there, saying “it’s fine, let him in, he wants to do it”. So kiddo cleaned up my yard, came into the kitchen for some juice, then asked if he could hang out at my house to do some painting. I told him to ask his parents, so he went back into his house and promptly returned with art supplies. After about an hour of painting, he then asked if he could watch a movie, at which point I told him his parents were probably looking for him. He seemed very reluctant to go home somehow? Maybe he just likes the novelty of our house + dog cuddles? His parents don’t seem that concerned about where he is , but I always make a point of telling them, and they know us well enough to trust that we aren’t bad people or anything I guess.
    I like the kid, he’s cute and I don’t mind him hanging around, but something about these interactions feel a little odd to me, and sometimes we have other plans on the weekend? We don’t have kids yet, so maybe my expectations are off? It’s a family-friendly neighborhood and we are TTC, so we value good relationships with our neighbors. Should I have paid him for the yard work? I didn’t have any cash on me and was planning on doing it myself.

        • Anon

          Agreed. Your neighbors used to live next door to us and 1) they told us their kids were used to playing in our yard b/c our seller was never there and let them (lady: that is not an easement like you think it is) and 2) they sent the older kid over to tell my husband to stop mowing the grass one weekend b/c it was bothering the younger kid who was trying to nap.

          My kid is friends with a kid with parents like this and that kid isn’t my favorite for playdates b/c it is just unplanned babysitting and we often have something going on now that COVID has let up a bit and kids are getting shots (hooray!).

      • Senior Attorney

        Agree. This is way over the line. It’s too late to nip it in the bud, but you’re going to have to start saying “no.”

        • Anon

          yes, this is the best advice. Next time it’s a firm no, whatever the reason. That 5 hour babysitting thing was ludicrous.

    • Anon

      I have kids and would never ever do this to our closest neighbor with kids the same age. Definitely wouldn’t do this to people who don’t have kids. Also, there aren’t many grownups I trust (that aren’t trusted family or long time friends) to let my 5yo to be at their house without me there to supervise. You need to be less accommodating and available, they are pushing the envelope here.

    • Anon

      No, this is weird. Don’t let yourself be used as a free babysitter for negligent parents. Put your foot down.

    • Anon

      Wait, you don’t have kids and they’re dumping theirs on you? No no no. I would say no next time and call the second the kid drops by. I’d also be worried about the dog with the kid (if they don’t have one, they might be weird about it if your dog ever nips or something and I’d want to protect my dog from any allegations). My spider sense is avoid these people because they’re acting outside the normal social contract.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, this sounds like the beginning of a true-crime story where something happens to their kids and they try to blame you.

        • Anon

          Yes! Maybe I’ve read too many neighbor/psych suspense books but this has the back of my neck hairs up!

      • Emma

        Yep, no kids. My dog is super gentle and friendly with kids, but obviously I watch him like a hawk. It was trickier when 4YO was in our house too, because he’s a little scared of dogs so we kept the dog on a leash or in another room at all times. But yeah, I feel like we’ve kind of crossed from “doing a quick favor in an emergency” to “free babysitting”. We don’t need to be paid for babysitting, we’re in our early 30s with good jobs, but I don’t want this expectation that we are just available all the time. It also made me a little sad that the kid didn’t want to go home yesterday – I’m not implying anything sinister, just that he seemed to think my house was more fun than his own and seemed a little strange/sad to me?

        • Anon

          I’d still be wary, I just don’t trust people who are weird and they’re weird. Since you don’t have kids, you don’t need them in your circle. I’d pull “busy DINK life” on them – “hey Jane, sorry Johnny can’t hang today, we have plans,” rinse and repeat.

        • Anonymous

          I would cut this off, but I don’t think it’s odd that the 7-year-old enjoyed the novelty of someone else’s house.

          • Monday

            Taken alone, I agree it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad sign. But in the context of parents who seem to pawn him off for 5 hours with neighbors they barely know, I don’t like it.

          • anon

            It’s weird in that the parents don’t set those boundaries, but I think it’s very normal for a 7 year old to think your house is cooler than his.

            When I was a kid, we had neighbors (about 5-10 years younger than my siblings and I so we were not friends with these kids), who would just wander into our house. My dad put a stop to it because one time my dad was home alone, the kid walked in, didn’t see anyone so kept going through our house and so walked in on my dad in the shower! My dad was, of course, terrified of how that could have been misconstrued and called the parents and told them to stop having their kids do this ASAP.

          • Anonymous

            wait, how was the neighbor’s kid able to get in? wouldn’t an easier solution be to the lock the door?

        • Jeffiner

          Most of this is situation is awkward and weird, but the kid thinking your house is more fun is completely normal. To a kid, anyone, everyone’s house is more fun than your own. No toys, baby toys, the same toys they have at home and hate are all awesome in someone else’s house.

        • Anon

          My spidey senses are tingling with everything except the 7 year old thinking your house is more fun. OF COURSE your house is more fun. You’re not his parents laying down rules and asking him to do chores or his homework or limiting screen time. That’s totally normal. The rest of the situation is not normal.

    • Anonymous

      Super weird. These people are taking advantage of you to entertain and babysit their kids. Cut it off now and keep the entire family at arms’ length.

    • Anonymous

      You need way better boundaries. It is insane they left you with their kids for 5 hours. I’d have called the police.

    • anne-on

      This is bizarre and your neighbors are fully taking advantage of you being nice people. Babysitting is EXPENSIVE and I am horrified that they did not formally thank you and attempt to pay you (or bring you wine/gift/something) for five freaking hours of last minute babysitting. Set limits now or these people will continue to walk all over you.

      • Emma

        I was definitely weirded out by the no heartfelt thanks. I get that things come up and maybe they had a stressful day or something, but just a nice “hey thank you for watching our kids for a whole day without notice and making sure they had a nice time” would have left me feeling better about the whole thing.

        • Anon

          It’s also okay to be weirded out by how little they know about you (like, you know that you are nice people who are safe to leave kids with, but how do THEY know this?).

          • Emma

            I was a little weirded out by that too, honestly. Of course I know we are good people, but like, if we had kids, I don’t think I would have left them with them in this scenario?

    • Anonymous

      I read this whole thing assuming that you had similar age kids and was like, well it’s weird but I guess the parents thought the kids were hanging out. When you said you don’t have kids… this is very strange. Did you not say anything to the parents when they were gone for FIVE HOURS? “Something came up” – by text (!) – is not enough, did they not tell you when they’d be back? Did you push back? Did you talk to them after? If not, definitely talk to them next time they ask – “we’re happy to help out for a couple of minutes here and there, but we have plans for the day. Last time you didn’t return for 5 hours, with no explanation, and we need to know that won’t happen, otherwise we won’t be able to help out today.” In the second example, just tell the kid no he can’t paint or whatever in your house. I do think you should’ve given him like $10 or something for cleaning the yard.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think it’s a good idea to pay the kid for picking up leaves in this situation. The kid did not say, “I’m starting a leaf-raking business. Would you like your leaves raked? I charge $3 per bag.” The kid oddly volunteered to do a chore/play in her yard. If she paid him, it would encourage the parents to keep sending him over.

        • Emma

          Yeah that was kind of my concern with the leaves thing. They seem very into encouraging their kids to be entrepreneurial – there was a lemonade stand which we happily contributed to, and then a hot tea stand that we didn’t contribute to because we are coffee drinkers, and then some cheap chocolate being sold for a school fundraiser… Anyway, I don’t want to set a precedent as being the cash cow, but he did a decent job in my yard so yeah, maybe I should have given him something.

      • Emma

        They did update us by text a few times – something about a lost phone and a family emergency, and then they kept pushing back their estimated time of return. The pickup situation was very bizarre and rushed, plus the kids were there and I didn’t want to make it seem like we minded. Yesterday I should have said no when he asked about the painting, definitely – I’m not good at saying no to 7 year olds, apparently. It bothers me that it’s the kid coming to my door directly – it would be easier to have a conversation with the parents, but I feel bad kicking out the kid himself.

        • Anonymous

          This is exactly why they are sending him over alone. They know you won’t want to turn him away.

        • anon a mouse

          I’m of two minds here. The first is horrified that the parents would do that to you, it is super rude and manipulative. And I think it’s fine to tell the parents, we enjoy your kid but we need you to text and ask if he can come over before he rings on the doorbell.

          And then there’s a small part of me that wonders, is the kid okay? Is there something going on at home that he wants to leave his own home and literally feels safer at your house?

        • Anon

          A thing I had to teach my husband is that it’s OK to be direct with kids. You don’t have to worry as much about being rude or offending them. They’re kids. They’re used to adults telling them what to do. “It’s time for you to go home” is something we would never say to our adult guests (though often wish we could) but is perfectly OK to say to a kid. I promise.

          • anon

            +1. OP’s line, “I’m not good at saying no to 7 year olds” stuck out at me. I have a 6 year old, and I say “no” to him all the time. So does every other adult he regularly encounters. Kids are used to adults being in charge and setting boundaries.

            It’s pretty normal for a kid to think someone else’s house is more fun–my kid thinks AirBNBs are amazing, and every time we go to someone else’s house, he asks if we can come back “tomorrow.” When I say no, he says, “well, next Saturday then.” And then he forgets about it when we get home.

            The adults in this situation are taking full advantage of OP, and they’re definitely weird. OP should feel no guilt about putting a stop to it.

        • Anonymous

          7 year olds are pushy and annoying (and sweet and friendly). Ya gotta lay down the law. My 8 year old daughter has some friends that will like, ask for the car keys and drive downtown if I let them!

      • LaurenB

        While this is all odd, it’s a little bit on your part to not say anything when the 30 minutes turned into 5 hours (without calling / explanation, and no apparent evidence of a sudden emergency of a parent being taken to the hospital or something of that nature).

    • Anon

      I have two kids and cannot imagine doing this. Even when my child-free neighbors have invited my 7-year-old over to play in their yard, it’s only for a few minutes and I’m outside too. It is astounding to me that they would even consider either of these things (the 5-hour last minute babysitting, the long afternoon of yardwork and art projects) even remotely in the realm of acceptable.

    • Emma

      Thanks, everyone, for validating that this is weird. I guess next time I will politely say no, we’re busy.

    • Anon

      Oh hell no to all of this. Freeze them out. Liability, emotional manipulation, it’s all just a big nightmare.

    • anon

      I was this 7 year old. Except at 11-13. For me, it was to get away from an unhealthy household. In addition, I sought out other adults as a way to get more of what I needed: attention, safety, care, love, acceptance, and guidance. I remember a young couple down the road and I would “hang out” with them. This was in the early 90s and our neighborhood was super safe, kid friendly. But looking back, yeah, it’s a tad weird. Honestly, I wanted to be anywhere but home. I don’t remember my family ever doing the whole free babysitting thing but maybe they did?

      There are a few things I would recommend, have a discussion with the parents away from the kids. Set some boundaries. For the kiddo, I would maybe try to ask questions about his home life but in a casual, no big deal, kind of way. Get a feel for whether there may be issues that require some sort of intervention by the proper people. Kids can appear super happy and fine because they’re truly excited to see you and get away. Don’t take that to mean that everything is ok at home.

      • Emma

        I was casually trying to find out if there was something going on at home that would cause him to want to spend time at our house. From our conversations, I’ve gathered that both parents work a lot, mom likes to work out and is a bit of a neat freak, dad seems a little overwhelmed when not a work. I’ve never seen anything that really would raise any alarm bells, but they seem a little…detached? distant? It’s hard to judge since I barely know them, and I certainly would not be a perfect parent so try to avoid passing judgement on others,

        • Anonymous

          Tread carefully. If the kid is unhappy, it is none of your business. If you get mixed up in it, it will cause all sorts of trouble for you.

        • Anon

          This is kind of depressing though. If kids are unhappy at home, the message is that society should abandon them because it’s best to stay out of it? I’m not saying an intervention is needed, but I know it helps children to have caring adults in their lives besides their parents, as well as places where they feel at ease when home doesn’t fit that description (even if nothing is terribly wrong at home).

          • Anonymous

            Kids need appropriate caring adults: teachers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, coaches, activity leaders, actual family friends. Random neighbors who insert themselves into the family’s business are not the caring adults this child needs.

          • Anan

            I agree- i think labelling the neighbors and their behaviour “weird” is beside the point. If the kid wants to connect and you have the bandwidth and time and resources to accommodate, then I would let him hang out. I have kids and i am so grateful to all the adults in their lives… we weren’t meant to raise children in a solitary state, but we do and i think that’s part of what makes it feel off. Tell them “not today” when it’s not convenient, say, “come get your kid” when you need to move on to something else. But i don’t know that you should punish the kid because his parents are rude.

          • Anonymous

            The fact that the neighbors and their behavior are weird is the entire point. The last thing you want to do when dealing with weirdos is to forge an independent relationship with their 7-year-old kid. That can go wrong in one million ways.

          • Anon

            Again, some kids have parents who are weirdos. They may not have caring teachers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, coaches, activity leaders, or actual family friends (partly because their parents are weirdos who put off those people as well!). I’m not disagreeing that it can go wrong in a million ways; I’m feeling bad for the kids of weirdo parents who really may not have any “appropriate” caring adults in their life. And I know neighborhoods providing communities is kind of old fashioned, but is it completely not a thing anymore?

          • Anon for this

            Yes, I agree with Anon at 2:11 that your moderate presence in these kids’ lives could be really important to them. And from what you said, I would put you in “family friend” territory – you’ve hung out as just your families and the men have hung out one on one. I have great relationships with my neighbors, socialize in groups with them, and would 100% call on them for an emergency, but we are not family friends. But even family friends can set boundaries, so set some that work for you.

          • Anonymous

            Re. “neighborhoods providing communities”–that is how you end up with the situation on my street where half the neighbors are sleeping with one another and the other half are feuding. I am so glad we have never been tangled up in that mess.

          • Anan

            To anon at 12:42- neighbors are perfectly capable of being the “appropriate caring adults” in a child’s life. By being present for the kids, they stop being “random”.

      • anon

        I had childfree neighbors I probably spent an unreasonable amount of time with as a kid who would always take the time to chat with me. When I was a teenager, they gave me an awesome little after school job helping them briefly most days. Now, as an adult who lives far away, I call and send thoughtful gifts to them at their assisted living home.

        My home life wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t everything I want for and give my own kids. They had the healthiest relationship to which I was regularly exposed and they mean so much to me.

        That said, they didn’t babysit, and we only spent time together in their front yard.

        If you have time, I think it’s lovely to be a kind adult presence and chat with the child regularly. It doesn’t require letting the child in your house, backyard, or babysitting, though.

    • Anon as well

      Parent here — agree this is WAY weird. My daughter would play with some child-free neighbors in our old neighborhood, but they 1) expressly asked us if they could hang out with her (they were 20-something women and thought she was a hoot) and 2) we were always around, unless it was a pre-arranged baby-sitting thing.

      One thought as to why the mom might seem annoyed — could it be the dad is pawning his kid off on your when he’s on solo parent duty? Not that it really changes anything you need to do, and it could be both parents being anywhere on the continuum of active moochers to uninvolved parents, but that’s what my “mom gut” is telling me.

      • Quail

        Oooh, that’s a very plausible theory re dad solo-parenting duty. Would explain why mom was crabby.

        But yes, would be very weird in my neighborhood too.

    • Anonymous

      This is weird behavior by the parents, not by the kid. It’s totally normal for kids to get a kick out of being with someone else. That’s all good. The problem is the parents. Given what you’ve said, I am guessing that there are some significant issues between the parents or in their adult lives that the kid doesn’t know about – illness? divorce? etc.? That’s the only thing that would explain the 5 hour babysitting.

      • Anonymous

        That was my first thought–the “something” that came up during the babysitting was some sort of massive blowup between the parents, and that’s why the mom seemed annoyed when she picked the kids up.

    • Anon

      If someone dropped their kids off with me for 30 minutes, that would only be OK if they cleared it ahead of time. It would never be a yes on the spot.

      If 30 minutes turned into 5 hours I would never, ever agree to watch the kids again. Ever. The only excuse would be “we were in a horrible car accident on our 30 minute errand and now one of us is in the ER.” Short of that, nothing doing.

      You are TTC and you are apparently a homeowner. It’s time to learn to use your words. You’re a grownup now.

    • Anone

      The fact that he was there for 5 hours one day is very odd and not okay. That being said, at age 7-9, my daughter used to go hang out with my lovely neighbors down the street who had 4 boys but no girls. She loved their house and would mostly hang out with the mom, who was a SAHM and was always cooking/baking. My daughter would help her bake and even help her clean up (which she would never do at home!) I think she liked the feeling of being in a house that was different from ours – in this case it was different because there were a LOT of kids (we have only 2). So I can see why the child enjoys being in your house – it does not necessarily mean anything nefarious is happening there.

      • anon

        When I was about that age, I used to “hang out” with the adult neighbor woman whose backyard was adjacent to ours because she had a giant fluffy dog. We would sit on her back porch, she’d ask me about school and my music lessons, and I’d give her dog treats. I liked her house because it was novel and different.

        • Lobbyist

          If you like having the kid over, let him stay. Kids don’t pick up on social cues and hints like adults do, so when its time for kid to leave, you just need to be direct. Kid, its time for you to go home now.
          Or when kid comes over just say, nope, not a good time, you need to paint somewhere else.

  17. Ny Christmas

    New Yorkers – any recommendations for a traditional Jewish Christmas dinner of Chinese food ? We’ll be visiting over Christmas and staying on the UWS. Indoor dining is fine – not looking for fancy – but prefer somewhere we can either book ahead or feel fairly confident we can get in if we go early.

    • AIMS

      Not traditional per se but I would go to Red Farm. It’s one of my favorite NY restaurants, period, and they take reservations.
      Barring that, Shun Lee West Cafe (across from Lincoln Center) is fun and the Cottage on 77th and Amsterdam is good and more traditional.

    • NYCer

      I am not Jewish and not 100% certain that they are open on Christmas Day, but I like Red Farm for Chinese food on the UWS. I am sure you could call and ask. They definitely take reservations and have indoor and outdoor dining.

  18. Anon

    Formal-ish attire — I have forgotten this plus I’m older and sporting my COVID-15 still. IIRC, OK at a work-related party (I’m the spouse), you can wear something short, sparkly, or sheer (like sleeves or illusion netting or strapless), but probably you should just pick one of those 3. Also, bare legs? And I’m thinking that a faux fur jacket would look OK and festive (and still regarded as a current look)? Trying to shop my closet where I can.

      • Anon

        Bare legs when it’s freezing out looks stupid. There’s plenty of barely there hose, or hose with fun patterns. I hate seeing goose-pimpled flesh.

        • hose

          +1

          I’m in the midwest, and super sheer hose is totally appropriate, and you look kinda crazy if you went barelegged. Unless you are so rich you are carried by angels out of your limo to keep your stillettos out of the snow…

    • Anon

      All of that’s fine! Fwiw, at parties people see more of your top than bottoms, so for warmth or comfort, I’d focus on a holiday blouse or earrings or something and wear whatever else was a bit more comfy.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I saw an instagrammer wearing a deep-blue velvet dress that hit just above her knee. She added a sparkly blazer on top but a fun, fluffy faux-fur jacket would be cute too.

    • TheElms

      Yes, I agree pick one of short, sparkly or sheer. A faux fur jacket sounds like a fun topper. For legs, I would probably wear stockings of some kind if its cold. I think cold varies based on your location, but in the DC area if the temperature at the time of the party will be 50 or below I’ll be in stockings of some kind. If it is above 50 degrees I’m probably going bare legged because I don’t love wearing stockings, I don’t feel the cold that much, and realistically I won’t be outside that much anyway. I might even go down to 45 before wearing stockings.

    • Anon

      I personally still love the look of a sparkly dress with black opaque tights. It’s that mixed look of fancy and down to earth that makes the outfit look original and not trying too hard.

  19. Agurk

    My brand new job, for which I just bought a brand new house with a 15 minute commute, just announced that a) we are going to three days a week in the office and b) they are relocating to a new location an hour away. FML. I guess I need to start looking for a new job.

    • Anonymous

      Wow, that’s so infuriating. Will you push for 100% remote as an exception or are they unlikely to agree to something like that?

    • Anon

      There’s no way they didn’t know this was coming when they hired you, this isn’t a decision that happens quickly. I’d push back, calling out their dishonesty. Point out how you turned your life inside out for this job.

  20. Anonymous

    How to respond to “are you going to start a family?” when the asker is someone you need to be nice to, and can’t return awkward to sender? The managing partner’s wife recently asked me this in front of him. My normal response – why do you ask *eyebrow raise* – doesn’t really work when 1) I don’t think he’d appreciate me being icily polite to his wife, and 2) the obvious answer is “I was just making conversation” pouty face. I’m recently married and with holiday parties approaching, I’d like to have a canned response that’s a little better than an awkward laugh, gulp of wine, followed by “idk! Oh look I need more wine byeeeee.”

    • MagicUnicorn

      Answer a different question. You and your new spouse really enjoyed your honeymoon in Idaho; thanks so much for asking! What vacation plans is she looking forward to?

      • Anon

        I don’t have kids and this has been my standard strategy. Something like, “No, no kids, but three cats! Do you have pets?” Or, “Not for me, how about you? Do you have a big family?” I think some people think it’s an icebreaker question, so if you can toss it back to them on a more neutral topic you can get on a better track pretty easily.

        • Anon

          Yep, this. My standard answer is, “I have two nephews who are awesome! What about you – do you have kids?” People love to talk about themselves.

    • Anonymous

      Why do you want to make this awkward or respond with rudeness? A lot of people don’t think asking about kids is a personal question (for better or worse) because kids/families are such a huge part of people’s lives. People who you are making small talk with are not trying to attack you or your choices. Just try “who knows what the future may bring” + subject change or “we love our family of two as it is!” + subject change or similar. You don’t have to talk about the subject if you don’t want to, but it’s important to not blow this out of proportion either.

      • Griz

        Asking about someone’s procreation is rude. You don’t know what fertility struggles someone is facing, and it isn’t polite to put someone in a situation where they are forced to explain inherently private decisions publicly. This shouldn’t be a topic for “small talk.”

        • Anonymous

          But no one is being forced to explain inherently private decisions – people can ask a question and you can decline to answer it. There are all kinds of subjects that some people think are private and other people think are up for small talk (voting, which church you go to, how your health is doing). Your job as a normal person is to enforce your own boundaries, firmly and politely, without making out the other person to be a monster.

          • Anonymous

            Religion and politics are THE quintessential examples of topics to avoid in making polite small talk.

          • Anon

            You only think that you “can decline to answer it” if you’ve never been on the receiving end. Some people just do not let it go.

            It’s not your business and you need to stop asking. That’s the end of it.

          • Anonymous

            I’ve been on the receiving end a million times, actually. I’ve had people ask me invasive questions about my health, my family’s health, personal losses, my salary, and more and some of them 100% thought they were being friendly/breaking the ice (“oh that’s so great you got a new job! how’s the pay if you don’t mind me asking?”). I did not and do not feel obligated to answer them. I can’t control what they ask, but I can control how I respond.

          • Anon

            I am also 100% in control of how I respond; however, that doesn’t stop some people from continuing to push the issue.

            My circumstances inadvertently encourage this: I gave birth a year after I got married. People who played “guess when the babies are coming?” were only “wrong” a few times before they were “right,” so they are incentivised to continue with their crass game. Other people see a woman who got married and gave birth in short order. They know fertility isn’t an issue, despite my age (40). They assume that I’m here to crank out them babeez and am lying when I say that we are done. They shut up when I explain that my doctor, the one with degrees and a license and who is far more familiar with my medical background than they are, thinks the next pregnancy would kill me.

            I can guarantee your circumstances, not your responses, are why people don’t push the issue. Your responses are the icing on the cake. Full stop.

      • Cat

        Whether the asker’s intent is pure or not is kind of irrelevant, it’s 100% a rude question.

        I do like the suggestion about “let’s see what the future holds” or similar, and then a quick subject change. “For now we’re excited about our — [insert here – renovation? Holiday plans now that family is vaxxed? An upcoming trip?]”

        • Anonymous

          It’s a rude question, but in this situation there is zero benefit to trying to correct the person asking it, and plenty of potential downsides. OP’s best bet is to deflect the question while impressing anyone who happens to observe the interaction with OP’s superior tact. A deft change of subject will do the trick.

      • Emma

        As someone who is struggling with TTC, yes, this is definitely a rude question. Since starting to sob is probably not the appropriate response, I am now a pro and smiling and saying “oh, we’ll see”. Most people drop it.

      • anon for this

        Asking in front of the managing partner is super rude. I don’t want my manager to know my procreation plans until I’m obviously pregnant.

      • Sunshine

        I agree that a vague “we just got married and are this time in our lives together; we are living in the present and soaking up this experience” + subject change is the way to go. Subject change may be as boring as “what are you doing for the holidays?”

      • OP

        Literally the point of this post is that I DON’T want to make it (more) awkward or to be rude (in return)! I don’t think his wife was trying to be rude but it is pretty socially inept to ask about a woman’s baby making plans in front of her boss, who is very outspoken in his belief that parental leave is for people who don’t care about their careers.

        • trixie

          Your best bet is to change the subject, and have a few lines ready to do so. “Families are so important! Do you both have siblings? I have 3.” Using one of their words (families) is a good dodge technique–it connects and then side steps. “Babies are just wonderful! My sister had a baby last year, now I am an aunt. Do you have nieces and nephews?” Give her the death stare as well. This is so obnoxious.

        • Anon

          If your boss thinks that parental leave is for people who don’t care about their careers, you need to find a new job. Chasing off new moms is such an effective way of cutting off women in the middle of their career trajectory that it’s a deliberate attempt to stifle women’s advancement. As I’ve said before, you don’t have to chase off ALL women using mommy-tracking or pregnancy/parenting discrimination to crater a lot of women’s careers. Once you’ve destroyed most women’s careers, the rest take care of themselves.

      • Anon

        You’re out of your flipping mind. The question is unbelievably sexist. It’s also gross and intrusive and someone else’s uterus is not your business.

        In a work context, it’s asking for a lawsuit, both under pregnancy discrimination and ADA issues. Some people cannot have any or limit the number of children they have because of disabilities, and they probably don’t really want to announce to a room full of their colleagues that their lupus, epilepsy, or depression means they can’t procreate. [This is not a statement that all people with those disabilities limit reproduction, just that many do.]

        To the wife? I would burst out laughing, turn to her husband, and ask if he put her up to this to figure out whether or not I’m worth investing in as an employee. “C’mon, Bill, you can tell me – trying to figure out if you should staff me on the Acme matter?”

      • Anon

        It strikes me that every time this topic comes up, there are an avalanche of comments saying it’s rude to ask someone about starting a family. But evidenced by the frequency of the topic, the rest of the world has not received that memo. Such a shame they don’t read here.

        It’s good to have a response prepared, because rude or not, it’s going to be asked. “It’s complicated” is a good response that is not rude but also stops the questioning with anyone even slightly gracious, and I also agree with changing the topic immediately.

    • Anon

      “We did that by getting married” and laugh. It’s a slight warning shot across the bow, wrapped in politeness.

    • BeenThatGuy

      I like to give the asker a little elbow nudge and say, with a wink, “nope but we practice all.the.time.”

      • Monday

        To the managing partner’s wife, though? In front of the MP? I’m pretty irreverent when I know I’m right, but even I wouldn’t dare to do that.

        • BeenThatGuy

          Yep. When someone asks me questions about what happens in my uterus, I can creatively shut them down; regardless of their title or status in life.

    • AIMS

      On the one hand yes it’s a rude question, on the other I do think intent matters and as you say being awkward or rude isn’t really an option here. I would just deflect and redirect the question.. something like, “haha, does a dog count? What about you? Do you have children?”

      • Hollis

        Yes, keep it light and friendly and they won’t remember your response. Trust me, the managing partner’s wife is not posting on here because she’s not even thinking that it was anything more than showing interest in your life, so take the question in the way it was intended and show that you can be conversation, friendly, etc. I’m sure it will be helpful to your career if the managing partner’s wife tell him she thinks you’re great and she enjoyed meeting you.

    • Anon

      I’d probably play it off by talking about how I was a newlywed and we were so excited to get married and officially be a family, then change the subject

    • Anonymous

      I would just go “Ahaha, no, sorry, I think house plants are more my level. How about you, do you enjoy gardeing?”

      You don’t have to answer honestly and seriously to those kinds of questions.

    • Anon

      An easy response is something noncommittal and then ask a question of the speaker like “hmmmm such a great question, for now we are so enjoying our newlywed life, especially planning for the holidays this year. What are some of your family’s holiday traditions?”

  21. AIMS

    A frivolous question. I want to get a pair of velvet loafers/smoking slippers. Something fun I can wear out. Not sure that I want to spend a lot of money on this but also don’t want something uncomfortable so reluctant to order from, say, JCrew Factory. Any recommendations?

  22. Out of Place Engineer

    Just got a promotion at work! It is a challenging special assignment and I will be going into the office maybe once/week, reporting out to executives. I have had a bright coral timbuk2 laptop bag forever & is starting to show wear. I am considering a Cuyana or Dange Dover tote, based on recommendations here. Can anyone comment on the Cuyana System tote? I really like the idea of the organizer & removable laptop bag, but no zipper. I like the look of the Dagne Dover Signature Tote and that it has a zip top, but it is coated canvas. Can anyone speak to how it wears? I won’t be flying, just car commuting. Is there something else slightly splurgy I should consider? Thanks, guys!

    • Anonymous

      I really like my Brahmin totes. They have a zip top, feet, internal organization, come in some fun colors, take a beating and are really lightweight. I hate the open top Coyana everyone has, it has no zipper and no internal organization. I hate the Dagne Dover, it was absurdly heavy.

    • Mon

      Congratulations! Great way to celebrate. I have a Dagne Dover in cream and it’s wearing well. It’s a heavy coated canvas that seems to resist scuffs. It looks very sharp.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      My Dagne Dovers all wear very well. People complain about the signature tote being heavy, but for me, the benefits far outweigh that.

      Congrats on your promotion.

      • AZCPA

        I second the Dagne Dover, I love and use my Allyn for both commuting and work travel and LOVE it. It’s worn like iron and I definitely abuse it.

    • Anon

      I have two Cuyana totes that I use – an open one in a light color for warmer weather, and a zippered one in burgundy for the rainy season. I do not use the insert. I’ve heard on here it adds weight and I am trying to keep things light.

      I sent my sister the open Cuyana tote for her birthday one year, and the insert the next year. She uses the insert when she travels and is carrying a lot of stuff, but for just running around (WFH or weekends) she takes the insert out.

      I don’t really need an insert personally because I carry a lot of pouches – one for makeup, one for cords/earbuds/chargers etc, and use a laptop sleeve when I have to tote that.

    • Out of Place Engineer

      Thanks for the responses – I appreciate your feedback on what you like and why. Now to make some decisions…

    • Anon

      Have you considered any of the Lo and Sons bags? I love mine and they have great customer service if your bag has an issue.

  23. Mon

    I just scored an insane deal on a St John black cashmere sleeveless sweater. I love it deeply but can’t figure out what to wear it with. Nothing underneath feels like the gun show. But nothing else really looks right. I’m WFH with occasional Zoom calls, so lots of flexibility. Any thoughts on how to style a fancy tank?

    • Anonymous

      I think of a “sleeveless sweater” as a sweater vest. I would wear it over a blouse.

    • Anon

      I think it is more what you wear over it than under it. Many jacket/sweater options will work. But I envy the guns, I must say.

    • Senior Attorney

      I feel like if you have the guns, show ’em!

      Otherwise I would layer over a silky white blouse or under a leather or denim jacket, or really over any blouse or shirt: chambray, plaid flannel, gingham, floral, you name it!

    • Anon

      That is exactly the kind of thing I wear under a blazer or a structured cardigan/sweater jacket. I’m sure that’s how St John styled it. Enjoy

  24. OvaCue / Fertility Trackers

    Not TTC (but not spooked if it happens), but hopping off BC pill because of health issues. Having issues with anxiety, fatigue, etc. that appear to be related to hormonal imbalances. Been married for a very long time, so if we got pregnant, it wouldn’t be the end of the world and we’d probably be excited. However, would really like to do some natural tracking to get to better know my body–I’ve been on BC pill for longer than I’ve been an adult–and potentially continue to be on non-hormonal/natural family planning until we have a couple of kids and SO gets a vasectomy. I understand the margin of error is higher than the BC pill, but I’m tired of being on it.

    I’ve seen rave reviews about the OvaCue and Mira. The Ava bracelet looks awesome, but worried about external tracker because before BC pill, I had fairly irregular periods and so many PCOS-like symptoms. Appreciate thoughts/comments, etc. I plan to order Taking Charge of Your Fertility–since it’s seems like the best/most-highly recommended book on the topic.

    • Cat

      if you actually want to figure out when you’re ovulating, just peeing on a test strip is going to get you there 5000% faster than TCOYF.

      • Curious

        YMMV with this one — I never get a clear positive on those, and the darkest line tends to be late vs charting. My 8 week old is my only evidence though :)

    • Quail

      I used a basic fertility tracker app (sorry that I don’t remember which one) that just charted my temp when I entered it every day and a basic basal thermometer. Those devices look cool, but expensive unless you really want/need all the data. Loved TCOYF – I think everyone should read it whether you are TTC or not.

      I started tracking in a similar position as you – thinking about kids in the near future, wanted to know my natural cycle before actively TTC. Then used temping plus ovulation test strips when TTC. I found the science of it all fascinating and enjoyed knowing more about how my body worked.

      My only unsolicited advice is that you should be 100% on board with having a kid before TTC or even not using protection and temping. IMO no one is ever 100% ready but “would probably be excited” and “not the end of the world” give me some pause. If you mean “having a kid in august rather than December 2022” that’s one thing – if it’s “I want to have kids at some point in the next few years” then use barrier protection all the time especially if your cycle is unpredictable. Just my two cents.

    • Anonymous

      Condoms are non hormonal and unlike diving into trying to track an irregular cycle, actually work.

      • Anon

        +1 million. Get off BC, use condoms, figure out what’s going on with your cycle and then when you want to have a baby stop using condoms.

    • Raindrop

      Highly recommend the Tempdrop. It’s an overnight wearable device for your arm that tracks your basal body temperature. So much easier than taking your temp orally and very accurate. That plus ovulation predictor sticks will give you so much information! The Tempdrop community of users is uncommonly knowledgeable too; there is a group on F-cebook. People use the Tempdrop with PCOS. I used it to pinpoint my most fertile windows and it helped me get pregnant the first time I tried but people also use it to avoid pregnancy.

    • Anonymous

      If you’ve been on BC for ten years or more it’s quite possible that you’re not as irregular now as you were. Even so, it worth it to keep a body diary. You just need a calendar and a pen. Write down each day anything that stands out: sore breasts? bloating? new kind of discharge? spotting? PMS mood swings? Digestion issues? Boost in sex drive? If you track your body a few months you might more confidently understand and read your cycle.

      For me, I know that I have recently ovulated on the day of the month that I suddenly hate my stomach. It happens every month, a mood dip at the same time as a stomach bloat onset. And I know that my period is less than one day away when I get mindlessly and crazily horny without any particular input.

      +1 for condoms unless you both actually truly want children.

  25. Anon

    Tempted to by Spanx Moto Legging but seems like they might look dated in just a few days but they have hung around for way longer than I thought. Yay or nay on Moto Leggings in 2022? Please Vote!

    • Anonn

      I literally bought them two weeks ago and returned them at the weekend. I wasn’t worried about them seeming dated (although now I think about it, they have been ubiquitous on the gram for a long while) and more worried they just didn’t suit me.

      I reckon they are the sort of thing that may go out of fashion but will still be worn by people who aren’t worried about that. Other people seem to love them and find them so useful. If you can pull them off, they could easily be a nontrendy staple.

  26. dating follow up

    I posted here a while ago about feeling unsure about a man I was seeing who I enjoyed spending time with, but about whom I had reservations when it came to career, finances, and family obligations, particularly the care of his sibling with special needs and the fact that he was a low-earner. I appreciated the feedback I got here. We continued to see each other and I asked more questions about his life and family and what he envisioned for the future. As I learned more about his financial picture, I became more concerned – he has sizeable debt, meager savings, and I saw more and more evidence of spending habits above his means. This amplified my concerns.

    I also realized that most of time we did something that cost money, he usually didn’t offer to pay, and only sometimes covered his portion of costs, despite often suggesting the activity that had cost money in the first place. I hadn’t initially thought much of it because I make more and could afford those costs for us both and was enjoying spending time with him. I started to feel like he liked my wallet more than he liked me and I didn’t like that feeling. I also reflected on my own feelings and I realized that I wasn’t invested enough to have the tough conversations and figure things out, so I ended things. He didn’t take it well and accused me of being “just as shallow as the other girls with fancy degrees” he’d dated. I was taken aback because I did not cite financial differences as my reason for doing so. I feel like I dodged a bullet here, but I feel sad because I had enjoyed spending time with him. Looking back, dates with him were fun but I should’ve listened to the voice in my head that was concerned about the future earlier. I didn’t want to categorize a man’s value with his paycheck because that felt greedy. I really didn’t see it going this way.

    I want to thank those who commented that I had mismatched expectations about future income vs. standard of living, particularly the person who said it appeared that I had a rigid plan for my life. After ending things, I have spent more time reflecting on what I want from a long-term relationship and what parts of my life are set in stone vs. what I’m willing to flexible on for (the right) partner. Some things were immediately clear to me and I’m still fuzzy on some others, but those comments were a helpful push for me.

    • Senior Attorney

      Yowch on his ugly comment! But good for you, for figuring our what you want and holding out for it!

      Just say “fooey” and move on!!

    • Anon

      “He didn’t take it well and accused me of being “just as shallow as the other girls with fancy degrees” he’d dated. I was taken aback because I did not cite financial differences as my reason for doing so. I feel like I dodged a bullet here, but I feel sad because I had enjoyed spending time with him. Looking back, dates with him were fun but I should’ve listened to the voice in my head that was concerned about the future earlier. I didn’t want to categorize a man’s value with his paycheck because that felt greedy. ”

      To me, this says that it’s not YOUR values that are the problem; it’s HIS values. He wants to date someone with a fat wallet and a fancy degree, and is going to project like crazy to deflect blame for his own shallowness.

    • dating follow up

      Thanks, all. I was so surprised at how things took a turn. Taking some time to enjoy being by myself before venturing back into the dating pool.

      • Hollis

        You should consider every dollar spent on this sorry -ss dude money well spent, as that’s what it took for you to learn that’s he lacks character and is so insecure that he needed to take a cheap shot just to feel good about himself. He showed himself there and I bet you’re the kind of person who is so kind and giving you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt all this time and he is so not deserving of it!

        Seriously, I’m so grateful that he showed who he was now and not after you were committed to him (or had kids with him even), because now you are free to be with someone who reciprocates your kindness and generosity! Seriously, go out and get something to commemorate this very important break-up.

    • Anon

      I think you absolutely dodged a bullet. I am glad that the comments you got prompted some self-reflection and then clarity, as at least maybe that is something positive to take away from this experience? Thanks for sharing back this update.

    • Anonymous

      Ouch. It seems you had a lucky escape! The immediate reaction from him blaming you and trying to evoke the “cool girl” manipulation trope shows you escaped from a long list of hurts.

    • Anon

      Thank you for sharing this update and follow up! I remember your original post well.
      The details you’ve shared here clearly show you did the right thing. Good on you!

  27. Anon

    This is probably too easy a question but I can’t figure out what term to google.

    I need a bag for dog walking and taking my dog to the dog park. I have to carry a large water bottle, a collapsible bowl, p00p bags (sometimes full), a frisbee or other toy, and all of my stuff (wallet, keys, sunscreen, etc.) I’m looking for something not fancier than a reusable grocery bag, but the key is I need it to be cross-body. I am tired of trying to keep up with my dog with a bag slipping off my shoulder or occupying one hand.

  28. Anon

    I think. Financial mismatch can work if he is there for you in other ways and has integrity. This guy just sounds like a jerk regardless of income. Sorry this happened to you but you clearly are better off.

  29. Skinny Jeans

    Just want to say thanks for the kind comments on my post last week asking about wearing skinny jeans for a casual coffee date. To update, it went well, we went out again and hopefully there will be a third date, too. We’re in a mutual activity, which is how we met, so keeping it super casual for now, but so far it’s promising!

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