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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Colorblock Sheath Dress

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This colorblock sheath dress from White House Black Market comes in plus sizes as pictured (16W–24W), as well as regular (00–16) and petite (00P–14P) sizes. Colorblock has gone in and out over the years, but I like the details on this one — the way it's not quite a bustier look, the asymmetric lines, and the white at the top with the gray and black mixing elsewhere. The dress has a hidden back zip, is fully lined, and is machine washable. It's $160. Colorblock Sheath Dress This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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271 Comments

  1. Spent an hour last night looking for neutral flats for work in my business casual law firm. Ended up with the ones in the link to follow. Can you more fashion-forward people tell me if they’re too shiny for work? I love the color, but not sure the sheen is work-appropriate. Thanks for feedback.

    1. I think they’re fine? They wouldn’t raise an eyebrow in my office, which skews toward the business end of business casual.

      1. +1 These would be “dressed up” for me in my business casual law firm (although I skirt the edge of the casual line in business casual personally unless I will be seeing clients). Life’s too short for painful shoes. I haven’t worn heels to work in years. I will say that for neutral flats for work, I often have luck with ballet flats from LL Bean or Land’s End (arch support) or loafers (for pants) from Cole Haan. In the winter I add in some Dansko booties and Frye riding boots. FWIW, I own no pointy-toe flats and I’m OK with that.

    2. They aren’t too shiny, but they are pretty frumpy. Have you considered a pair of loafers or pointy-toe flats instead?

      1. I know pointy-toe flats are the more fashion-forward choice right now, but they hurt my feet so much. (I have duck feet — narrow heels, wider toe box). What would you recommend instead? Loafers look like grandma shoes on me, seriously. Maybe I’m not finding the right ones, though.

        1. Are you wearing these shoes with pants or dresses? (I wouldn’t wear loafers with dresses, and you’re right — loafers can very easily skew frumpy as well.)

        2. I have similarly-shaped feet and have gotten some pointy and almond toe flats from LifeStride that fit me very well. A lot of their stuff skews frumpy, but there’s usually 1-2 styles each season that are simple enough to pass for chic :)

        3. +1

          I hate the fact that I’m forced to choose between being frumpy and being in pain. If anyone has recs for pointy toe flats (or heels for that matter) that don’t hurt, that’d be cool.

          1. The Rothy’s points don’t hurt. They don’t have much support, so you might size up so you can put a good squishy insole in them, but the shoe itself feels like fabric and is pretty comfy around the foot.

          2. I like Dr. Scholls, Life Stride, Born and B.O.C. I have good luck searching on the DSW site.

          4. I’m a dissenter on Rothy’s. I wear pointy toes in other shoes, and I think my violet Rothy’s are very cute, but while they don’t pinch my toes they rub the top of my toes in a very uncomfortable way.

          1. I have a wide toe box and narrow heel. I bought these because I thought they were cute, expecting to return them, but they are surprisingly comfortable, like my most comfortable flat at the moment.

            https://www.macys.com/shop/product/naturalizer-stella-flats?ID=5395802&pla_country=US&CAGPSPN=pla&CAWELAID=120156340018715055&CAAGID=57413795256&CATCI=aud-323276880234:pla-470909350973&cm_mmc=Google_Womens_Shoes_PLA-_-Crealytics-Camato-Womens-Shoes-Designer-GS_naturalizer—womens-shoes—flats-_-282212878539-_-pg9375002_c_kclickid_29d97a37-18a6-4cea-8768-2ea20f619520&trackingid=456×9375002&lsft=cm_mmc:Google_Womens_Shoes-_-Crealytics-Camato-Womens-Shoes-Designer-GS_naturalizer%20-%20womens%20shoes%20%3E%20flats-_-282212878539-_-pg9375002_c_kclickid_29d97a37-18a6-4cea-8768-2ea20f619520,trackingid:456×9375002&gclid=Cj0KCQjw3KzdBRDWARIsAIJ8TMSJ1iAxYS0rHIH45VplYpmMPFicpiySzUV5kj_J5phXV_wmA-l80MoaApa1EALw_wcB

    3. They look a little too casual to me. And honestly, kind of frumpy. Have you tried Cole Haan? They have a lot of really nice flats that are really comfortable, some are Nike Air. I got mine on Poshmark for about $20. Let me know if you need my code on Poshmark for $5 off your first purchase.

    4. Looks fine to me! (I’m not exactly fashion-forward but I spent a number of years in a business casual law firm).

    5. I think they’re cute! They don’t seem frumpy to me. But I work in jeans and t-shirt type office so these would be considered “dressy” here.

    6. I think they are work appropriate, but ugly. If you want something simple, I’d prefer a simple all black ballet flat or similar.

    7. I like them. I must be really frumpy because round toe ballet flats are usually my shoe of choice. I personally do not like the way pointy toe flats look.

    9. Good grief, she asked if they were too shiny, not if they were “frumpy” or “ugly”. I get it, your mileage varies. But it wasn’t her concern, and it’s unnecessary, at best, to offer your personal style opinion where it wasn’t asked for. This is especially frustrating around shoes, when comfort and pain are real issues.

    10. Definitely fine for work! Patent leather is classic, and I like the mixed material.

    11. Am I the only weirdo here that cannot find the link to the allegedly shiny shoes?

  3. Tw-infertility

    Alright guys, I’m starting ivf soon. I’m incredibly fortunate to have a significant ivf benefit through work, so cost isn’t a concern. But, I’m a little shell shocked that I’m at this point, considering one round of clomid worked for my first and I’m only 28. Unfortunately this time the clomid either gave me cysts or made me produce more follicles than my doctor was comfortable with and I couldn’t get on board with the idea of selective reduction. So here we are.

    I travel fairly frequently for work, usually 1-2 weeks per month. The trips are usually planned in advance, so I already know what my travel is going to be for October and November. Is there any way to make this process work while also working? Or do I need to block out a full month of no travel, which will get tricky with my boss?

    I would be so grateful to hear any of your experiences, positive or negative, with this process. I know there are entire boards devoted to this topic, so I promise I won’t post too frequently here, but I really appreciate the perspective of the women here. The acronyms and baby dust elsewhere can be a little much for me.

    Thank you so much.

    1. It will be difficult to schedule travel during IVF. You should talk to your doctor about it. While you’re getting the shots etc you’ll be on daily or every other day monitoring, and many doctors prefer to work with your natural cycle. But at the end of the day it’s just really a very individual thing for you and your doctor to figure out.

      Good luck!

    2. Have only done IUI (with the first day of period as day 1, it’s one appointment day 3-6 for baselining, one appointment or possibly two mid-cycle (around day 14) to monitor eggs, and then one appointment for the procedure at ovulation). From what I understand, the appointments for IVF are nearly daily mid-cycle since your medication is tweaked precisely based on your body’s response.

      You should talk to your doctor about the timing — maybe early in your cycle would work for travel?

    3. I feel like I always chime in with the same advice, but for a babydust free zone, check out reddit’s infertility sub – they have very strict moderation rules about avoiding cutesy lingo and being science-based, avoiding constant success stories, etc.

      I know there are people that travel during their IVF cycle, but I can’t quite wrap my head around it. Even if your cycle is perfectly predictable, there is something about the meds and the stress and the universe that (at least for me), made things wonky and hard to predict. Day 1 was never when I thought it would be, and that had trickle down effects for the rest of the cycle. Monitoring is frequent (although slightly less frequent at the beginning) and protocols change quickly to deal with how your body reacts (and your body doesn’t always react to the same drugs in the same way). If you are able to cancel work trips on very short notice, you might try to see how it goes, but I honestly wouldn’t chance it just because it would be One More Thing to stress about during an already stressful process.

    4. I frequently traveled between two cities during my ivf cycle. It added cost and complexity to the process but it was do-able. I saw a second practice for monitoring in second City as needed. However, I avoided traveling to a third place during that period. And wasn’t flying, so transporting meds wasn’t an issue
      Good luck!

    5. You could probably squeeze a cycle into 2.5 weeks (time birth control to start the stimulations exactly, about 2 weeks of stims followed by retrieval with a little wiggle room), if you are not doing a fresh transfer (which would add 5-6 days).
      As another poster said sometimes you can get the daily monitoring at a second site which would need to be coordinated far in advance with your main doctor and the monitoring site.
      IVF is stressful enough without worrying about travel though that I would strongly encourage you to talk to your job about a month of no travel for the cycle though.

      Good luck. It’s difficult but it’s more common than you’d think, and you can do this!

    6. Will very much depend on your own course of treatment (and whether you’re looking at a fresh or frozen transfer will affect timing too). I did frozen and had to take progesterone after the transfer for weeks. This had to be done at specific times of day and it was difficult for me to accommodate while traveling for work due to time differences. Your much bigger issue will be all the monitoring appointments but wanted to give you a heads up on this too.

      Best of luck! Mine was no fun but the resulting kids are.

    7. I started my first IVF cycle on Saturday! Will be thinking of you.

      My “no travel” dates are Oct 16-27, to give you perspective. And then another week or two later when we do the (frozen) transfer.

  4. I have an extremely stupid question. My entire coffee spilled all over my desk and office chair. It’s just been that kind of morning…

    I can use another chair for the day, but what should I be doing about the soiled fabric on my other one? Is it going to smell forever even after it’s dry?

    1. For now, take a wet cloth and blot. Can you run out and get upholstery cleaner? That will likely get the smell and stain out.

    2. Oh that’s the worst.

      First step – if they’re available, check with the office manager or facilities manager at the office. I swear, our facilities manager has a closetful of potions unavailable to us mortals.

      Second step if step one isn’t an option – Use a towel and blot as much of the coffee out as you can. Hit the seat pad with a carpet cleaner – ideally, one that foams. Work it into the seat. Repeat as needed. If you can, point a fan at the chair after applying carpet cleaner.

      Step three – if it’s unbearably stinky after a few rounds of this, see if you can get a new chair.

    3. There’s a product called SpotShot. It takes all kinds of stains out of fabric nearly INSTANTLY. Be sure to spot test in an inconspicuous area to make sure it’s okay to use on the fabric — if it’s okay, have at it! I’ve used it on coffee spills on carpeting at home and you can almost watch the stain disappear in front of your eyes.

      You may need to hit the stain with some Febreze to kill the smell. I’d do that before going home — that Febreze stuff tends to be a bit overpowering, but it does take odors out of fabrics.

    4. I don’t agree with any of the advice given so far as a long-term solution. If there was dairy in the coffee, and you want to save the chair, you need an enzyme cleaner. You need more than a spot cleaner if you spilled an entire coffee; you need at least as much liquid as you spilled. Kids’n’pets is both the best and cheapest that I’ve found. It will break down the dairy and the coffee proteins. I spilled an entire coffee with cream on my a new upholstered, and it’s fine now; you cannot tell. It will also still work even if you get to it later in the week and it’s already starting to smell.

  5. We were ready to list recently widowed MIL’s house when we received an off market offer from the next door neighbor. He’s a credible buyer and is willing to match what we were going to list the house for, which works for everyone.

    We don’t have a signed listing agreement yet with the would-have-been realtor. MIL is not capable of quarterbacking this process on her own. She’s looking to us, but we are a 3-hour plane ride away and know we need to pay for professional help here to make sure this is done right.

    Apart from a closing attorney to handle the legal and title work, should we still be engaging the would-have-been realtor to handle the bidding and negotiation process? There are probably things that will come up in inspection so I fully expect there will be additional negotiating on price. FWIW it’s priced to account for what we know will come up, but MIL isn’t in a position to negotiate/hold the line on that on her own should the neighbor try to play hardball. DH and I could handle this if we were there in person throughout the process (I work in commercial real estate brokerage so I do this daily albeit in a slightly different context), but we’re not. If we do hire the realtor, what is a reasonable expectation of fee that we’d be paying him? This is a $150k house in Florida. Should we expect any discount because he didn’t have to list the property?

    1. I bought a house in a private sale. I got an inspection, most of which was known by the seller (so maybe get your own inspection). Maybe ask for the guy to get an inspection and make a proposal and see what it its? That way, there should be no back and forth and if you don’t like the proposal, MIL can just list it with a realtor and let the realtor handle (although: realtor will refer everything to you MIL, so if she is unconfortable making decisions, that doesn’t go away (maybe just comes back to you, but is nothing you can’t do via e-mail/phone)).

      1. It usually doesn’t work out in your favor to get an inspection as a seller – buyers will want their own anyway in case of bias and you still have to disclose everything, so you’re upping the opportunity for problems to arise. Unfortunately most people will not want to pay for an inspection before you’ve agreed to sell it to them.

    2. I think you need local advice. Where I am, we use real estate agents for all the closing papers. If you use a lawyer for that in FL, I’m not sure what an agent brings to the table at this point if you’ve agreed on price and other conditions. I’m generally in the school of hire a pro, but if you’re comfortable with the deal and just need to close, all you might need is a lawyer here. But check it out with someone in FL.

      1. We haven’t agreed on price (or anything). He does know about some of the inspection stuff, namely previously remedied termite damage. Verbally we’ve agreed to a $10k range and neighbor is in the process of papering and making an official offer. Certainly if he ends up being unreasonable we’re prepared to list it and tell this guy to pound sand. But, from what I’m told he’s a good guy and we don’t expect too much funny stuff.

        MIL doesn’t have a lot of assets so we’re trying to balance doing it “right” with cost. I’m in MA and we used our attorney for 99% of the closing. The realtor up here really only posted to MLS and helped us toss out jokers who weren’t qualified for financing, had non-standard contingencies ,etc. from the 12+ offers we received. Totally different market dynamics from what MIL is in, though, but my gut is also that attorney + realtor is potentially not necessary (would not be up here).

        1. Yeah, sounds like if you’re doing the direct negotiations on the price and contingencies you probably don’t need an agent too. Good luck.

    3. Get a good local real estate lawyer. Have her draw up a contract, MIL/you review it before providing to purchaser and go from there.

      I bought my house off market and put up with a crazy seller to do it. Neighbor clearly wants this property so use that to your advantage in negotiations.

    4. Does she have any friends who are realtors who may be willing to take this on for a reduced commission or a flat fee even? It would probably help to have someone to walk her through the process, but obviously without the need to market it, the costs are significantly less to the realtor. In many states (all the southern ones I’ve lived in) there is no real estate attorney involved.

    5. Buyer and seller of 6 homes here.

      Don’t bring in a realtor. You don’t need one since you said you’re within a $10k range anyways and they’ll want commission which will drive up the price. Instead, find a local real estate attorney to make sure everyone’s ducks are in a row.

      I ditto the first person who recommended you as the sellers get an inspection just so YOU know what the inspection is going to find and are thinking about it in advance and what you’re willing to repair. In some markets, it’s customary for sellers to fix everything an inspection finds, in others, it’s ok to only fix safety concerns and ignore fluffier items.

      1. +1 to this. Since you won’t be listing/showing the house, skip the real estate agent (who will likely expect to receive a 3-6% commission). Look for an attorney who is certified in real estate law by your state’s bar. Some real estate attorneys are also licensed agents.

    6. How did you come up with the $150K price? How hot is the local market? Just be sure you aren’t shorting your MIL by too low an initial asking price. And don’t be too sure (unless YOU really know and trust him) that Mr. Neighbor isn’t going to take advantage of his knowledge of the house’s issues. I know a lot of people here are in the DIY camp, but in some markets, realtors with good market knowledge and negotiating skills will be able to make more money for a seller even after commissions are paid than if they’d handled it themselves.

    7. Yes. You need a realtor. Dont do your own dental work, don’t write your own will, don’t sell your own house. Even if its easy you still need one.

  6. I have gone to both cities for work for the past 10-15 years. I have an inlaw in S.D. (not a native, a fellow transplant), so I really like this area (BUT the winters are very cold!) and am sort of used to it.

    Stepkid has an Intended (not yet a fiance but heading that way) from the area (we are from the SEUS and are tender and delicate) and is looking at post-college opportunities in both cities (Intended is open to both).

    I like Minneapolis — two (at least) big downtown sports venues, seems safer, seems to be a place people don’t leave in their 30s/40s/50s (unlike my Chicago contacts, who loved it in their 20s but seemed to leave or have bad commutes later in life).

    I like Chicago, too, but it also seems large in a way that makes it unwieldy, much more dangerous, and with local politics that are . . . interesting (aldermen? how trash gets picked up? felons (and we’re used to Louisiana standards)). It is truly a great American city and the people are wonderful (in both places, actually).

    I see a largely bank/finance-based slice of each city. But if I had to live in one, I think I’d go with the Mini-Apple (and still love visiting Chicago).

    Help me out, ladies — if you were going into a CPA job at one of the national shops (which will likely send you hither and yon during much of the work week), which city would you pick and why?

    1. Chicago hands down. You’re excessively worried about “danger in the big city.” MN also seems insular — if you’re not from there, you’re highly suspect. Also, for CPA travel, the flights from Chicago are far more versatile.

      1. +1. The local and state politics in Chicago are indeed crazy, but I don’t think they have more of an impact on my life here than they did when I lived in the SEUS.

        1. One thing I find is that cities with dysfunctional politics often are just bad in general so people leave eventually because of crime (even property crime like your car keeps getting broken into), bad schools, too-high taxes, it is always something. But that may mean moving to a suburb vs living in that city long term because suburbs deliver lower taxes or better schools. Some cities only work for 20-something’s in places like Wrigleyville or the Village or other places like that. But I know people who live in the same area of Pittsburgh for 20 years.

      2. +1 – I’m sure Minneapolis is a nice place to live, colleagues there seem to love it, but Chicago is a world class city. That’s more my speed.

        1. Eastcoaster here trying to understand — is the Chicago / Minneapolis dynamic like comparing NYC and Philly (or DC/Baltimore)? All of the above are big enough to have NFL teams and major airports, but NYC is the sort of place that is great for a first job, but hard to live in for a lifetime and people often go back to where they are from or to some place with a better work/$/commute balance.

          1. I think that’s an apt comparison except I’ve seen Chicago as more life-long liveable, I don’t think it has the NYC flight issue. I’ve seen many friends moving from my big city to Chicago as their “move home closer to mid-west family” location and plenty of people who never left.

          3. Lifelong Chicagoan – this is a liveable city for sure. I was born here, high school and college here, and even after law school out of state I moved back and this is where my husband and I live and will raise our kids someday. I know far more people who were born and raised in Chicago than I know who were born and raised in Manhattan. And I also know a sizeable population of Chicagoans who came from other smaller midwest cities and stayed. For a young adult, it’s no question to me that it should be Chicago; so many opportunities to meet other young people on weekends when he isn’t traveling as there is such a huge population of young adults. Realistically speaking, he is probably not going to the theater much on the weekends, but will want to be out meeting other young adults – Chicago has rec leagues for every thing you could ever want to do (and of course plenty of professional sports to watch), but also a booming restaurant and bar scene, and the population size to support a healthy number of people of your age and demographic – no matter what it is. Job opportunities will be more plentiful, too. If it were a young family, then I would consider them tied as Chicago is also a family-friendly city but would still give Chicago the edge given his profession and job opportunities that come with it. Ultimately, he should decide, though!

      3. MSP is a hub for delta, so I don’t think the airport is a factor in Chicago’s favor. And I’ve always though that MSP was easier to get to then Chicago’s airports.

        However, having grown up in MN, I do think it can be insular and harder to find your group since so many people have already have friends from high school and college, and are not necessary looking for more friends.

        1. I’d actually say the airport cuts in favor of MSP. It’s a great airport with lots to do if you happen to be stuck waiting out weather. I actively avoid O’Hare because my aunt, who was a flight attendant for United for many years, correctly refers to it as the black hole of airports. If your flight is ever delayed or cancelled it can be extremely difficult to get another flight out. Every time I have been through there I walk past gate after gate where the standby lists are 20+. I don’t know why but it’s a zoo!

      4. You can fly anywhere from MSP. You just have less choice of airline (have to fly Delta).

    2. Both cities are great but have a long harsh winter that will be a big adjustment. They’re not close, so don’t assume you’ll live in one and regularly visit the other. Is there some reason you want to move besides your step kid? Following an adult child is kind of weird.

      1. No — I have no desire to move (anywhere)! I will still go to both for work 3-4x/year anyway for work (in addition to any family visits). Just trying to cast a wider net in case this is a lifetime decision stepkid is making (I know a few people who have wound up staying where their first random job was even though my guess is that maybe 50% of people relocate from one major metro area to another, maybe more if it’s not where you’re from).

        1. Oh wait I totally misread the original post.

          You’re trying to influence the decision of your adult stepchild? Nope. Back out.

      2. I think OP is looking for advice for stepkid, not planning on moving herself…

    3. I think you’re not a person whose opinion matters. Chicago is a great city and would be my pick, but your step kid should ignore all of your thought! Alderman? Felons? You just really don’t like black people? Butt. Out.

      2. Yeah, I’m confused. Isn’t stepkid the one moving there? Not you? Then stepkid needs to figure this out. Stepkid should visit both cities in the winter and make a decision.

        People like and dislike cities for many different reasons. What appeals to one person may not appeal to another.

        1. Yes. Not every remark about crime in Chicago is dog whistling, but “felons” and “and we’re used to Louisiana standards” puts this waaaaay over the edge.

    4. Minneapolis, hands down, but that’s because I prefer the lifestyle and would find it infinitely more liveable. Chicago’s fun to visit, but it would wear me out.

      I don’t find it that weird to follow an adult kid to a new city? Plenty of families *like* living close to each other; she’s talking about a general geographic area, not setting up an Everybody Loves Raymond situation!

      1. +1. Not from here, from the West Coast originally, but I’ve lived here 15 years. Minneapolis is a large city with a very reasonable cost of living and excellent schools. Great public transit from livable neighborhoods – I’ve never had a commute of more than 20 minutes.

      2. Have lived in both. Definitely Minneapolis! It has the amenities of Chicago (great theater, restaurants, public parks, etc) without the hassle of the hugeness of Chicago. Plus it’s much more affordable. I haven’t experienced the insularity described by, I think, people who have not lived there.

    5. Just putting in my vote for Minneapolis because I love it so much (and I freely admit to being very, very biased about it). FWIW, I have never actually lived there, but spent a good chunk of time there as a kid visiting relatives, and have many fond memories of summertime and the lake life. If you endure one winter you can endure almost all the rest. Best of luck!

    6. I have lived in the Midwest my whole life. Yes, the weather does take some getting used to. A lot of people from Minneapolis vacation during winter and spring break for a reason. But there are a lot of pluses. I have lived in Minneapolis for 30 years. I came originally for college. We love living here. There is a lot to do. Great theater, museums and sports teams. It is generally safe. It is also a lot cheaper to live here than Chicago. There is some truth that natives still hang out with friends they made in kindergarten. But I’m not from here and I still find friends and thrive.

    7. Grew up in the Twin Cities, have lived all over since then, including a large city in the SEUS. Both have long, cold winters, but I think the Twin Cities celebrate winter more. In general, Minnesota is more outdoorsy, with the lakes everywhere, lots of bike lanes/paths, and other outdoor opportunities integrated into the city in a way that’s completely different from my SE city. The reputation for being insular is probably somewhat true- many of my high school friends went to college on the coasts, but then moved back and are still friends with each other. It’s not so much that people are suspicious of people from elsewhere as that they just have no real need to make new friends. Public schools are generally better, though it sounds like that doesn’t matter to you at this point. Government is definitely less corrupt! COL is probably a little lower, though I know it’s been going up. I’d happily move back if I had the chance, but would never really consider Chicago- too big of a city for me and the rest of Illinois has no appeal, whereas Northern MN has greater recreational opportunities.

    8. Lifelong Midwest lady here. I hate them both, but would choose Minneapolis if I had to. Is Kansas City an option if they need to be in the Midwest? That’s really the place to be these days.

    9. To quote a CEO of one of our fortune 500 companies: “the only thing harder than recruiting people to Minneapolis-St. Paul is trying to recruit them back out of the twin cities”. I was in outer/greater Chicago for about 6 months for work, but getting into the city from there was a bear (over an hour sans traffic) and I only went a few times. I moved to MSP post-college.

      I’m imagining these two starting out in Uptown, as many of the post-college kids do. Parking is a pain but it’s where the under-25 crowd is. If they’re looking for a slower pace, have them check out Lowertown or the Grand Ave area of St. Paul. It’s easy to get out of the city, or feel like you are. Biking along wooded trails, kayaking through one of the quieter Chain of Lakes, cross-country skiing on groomed trails in the winter. They’ll buy parkas and be just fine in the cold. It basically takes 20 minutes to get anywhere in the twin cities. In 30 minutes you can be exploring a state park. In 3 hours you can be on the North Shore at Lake Superior. Twins tickets go cheap because they’re not good, Vikings at the new stadium can get expensive, but the most fun you’ll have is a $15-20 ticket to MN United soccer or St. Paul Saints baseball. There is a great music and theatre scene. MSP is my favorite airport in the US, whereas I detest O’Hare and Midway is only tolerable. There is definitely interesting city politics but it’s less corrupt than IL.

    10. I moved from the SEUS to Chicago for five years as a married 38 year old with a four year old. My husband agreed to take over an office about 70 miles north of the city since no one his age wanted to leave Chicago and its suburbs. After spending time with families who worked in the downtown Chicago office, I always felt fortunate that no one in our household was dealing with 30-40 minute train rides (often longer) or car commutes. These people seemed satisfied with this way of life and were very attached to the idea of being close to the city, but my impression is that they did not really take advantage of going into the city except to work (in fact, I feel like we went to the city more than people who lived closer). Most families had a non-working spouse because the logistics of layering child care to support biglaw jobs and commutes was tricky. People without kids lived in the city which worked well. I think the Oak Park / Forest Park commute would be reasonable, too.
      In summary, I would encourage my own child to look at MN. We are back in the SEUS and the fact that we have access to excellent public schools while living 5 miles from downtown is a gift to a two career family.

      1. You didn’t live in Chicago, you lived in the exurbs at best. You’re describing the experience of people who choose to live in the Chicago burbs and are implying that you have to live in the suburbs when you have kids. Which is a perfectly fine choice, but also not the only choice for professionals who work in the city. We have tons of great neighborhoods with great schools in the city itself and many people (myself included) enjoy raising our kids in Chicago proper and have a short commute. There are many options in this area.

    11. Wait … I live in Chicago and am confused by your trash pick up reference. What are you referring to?

      1. Ha, me too. I think she may have been confusing it with New York and the trash bags on the sidewalk in front. Chicago has alleys where the dumpsters and trash cans go and get picked up by garbage collectors. Your stepson will either have a trash chute in his building, which is the easiest thing in the world, or will have to put the trash bag in a dumpster 20 feet from the back door.

  7. PSA: Some Taryn Rose flats are on good discount on Zappos. I just got the gold cap toe pair and they fit great out of the box, true to size and width for me. I was attracted by the orthopedic surgeon turned shoe designer angle, hoping these would be good shoes. I have the driving moc but find that style really pinchy on the heel.

    1. Agree. I would not wear this dress because I’d feel too much like a TV newscaster, but the style is flattering on the model.

      1. Aha – I’ve never been able to pinpoint why I don’t like colorblocking, but you nailed it. It’s a standard newscaster look. The funny things our brains do sometimes.

  9. On the hunt for new jeans! I prefer skinny jeans, but don’t like ones that are so tight they’re basically jeggings. I’m also petite – 5’3 – so I feel like I can’t pull of the high-rise style that seems to be all the rage right now. Budget is up to $150. Thanks!

      1. But be very careful about the dark washes, as the dye rubs off. I learned this the hard way.

    2. The JCrew mid-rise toothpick works well for me (also a shorty) — they hit right at the ankle.

    3. My go-to for this look is the Levis straight leg jeans. At least on me, they lean more toward skinny until you get to the ankle – which is the problem that makes a lot of jeans legging-like. And, for me, they come in a 34 inch inseam (I’m a tall one). They also have shaping ones, if that’s something you might be looking for.

    5. Following. I’m 5’4” and having similar difficulties finding jeans.

      For the OP – you might try Lucky Brand. It has a low rise. I mostly like them, but the back is slightly lower than I would like and I find myself constantly checking to make sure they are pulled up or a shirt is covering the area when I sit.

    6. I’m 5’4 and like petites from Wit & Wisdom or Kut from the Kloth. Articles of Society also good.

      1. I now am seriously considering this one for client meeting/conference wear if the colorblocking hits at the right spots. Yay on free shipping and returns for petites and a petite size range that goes up over petite 12.

      2. +1 on Wit and Wisdom. Perfect length, nice washes, and free shipping both ways from Nords.

      3. +1000 on Wit and Wisdom. They’re the only jeans I’ll wear now. I’m 5’2″ and hourglass, and they’re the only ones that fit both in the waist and the seat/hips. And they make my legs look great despite being pretty short and wide.

    7. Uniqlo jeans have always worked for me length wise (5’2) and they are great quality with a low price.

    8. Banana Republic’s Zero Gravity jeans are nice. They have a pretty high amount of cotton (I think about 92%) which I like.

      I kind of hate the trend to make all jeans feel like pajamas, which involves using lots of polyester and rayon and makes them sweaty. Plus the soft fabric shows every divot and bump! I am an adult woman who wants some structure in her jeans!

    9. I’ve liked the Articles of Society jeans from the Rack recently. For whatever reason, the Rack version is midrise, but the Nordstroms versions are generally high-rise. I’m 5’2″ and find they fit well.

    10. I just bought some very soft and comfy jeans from Macy’s INC line – they’re the skinny leg, curvy fit. There’s also a regular fit if you’re not that curvy.

  10. Beach Week, y’all. I’m dying at the Kavanaugh calendars. And also a bit confused about why his PR team released them. They don’t begin to prove anything about his innocence and they contradict the image he tried to project in the Fox interview that he was an innocent little virgin that never partied. I think he’d have been better off owning up to hard partying and demeaning women, but (correctly) arguing that these things don’t imply he sexually assaulted anyone.

    1. IDK — in my Va circles, even youth groups go to beach week. For the usual suspects, they may kick it up a notch, but even church kids like going to the beach.

      1. Yeah, I am not a Kavanaugh supporter and I totally hope that this whole things tanks him, but I think the calendars tell us nothing.

    2. He must be a total hoarder, because *I* am a hoarder and even I couldn’t dig up my calendars from high school, and I’m younger than he is. This is bizarre.

      1. Eh, I’d probably have an easier time finding my high school stuff because it’s probably undisturbed in a box in my parents’ house where I left it 20 years ago. Everything since then is a mess, though.

        But I never would have written down that I saw Grease 2, so I guess that what separates me from Brett Kavanaugh.

        1. He wants c-o-o-l, r-i-d-e-r…! If he’s cool enough, he can burn me through and through, wooooaaahhh

          Upon merely reading the words “Grese 2” that has become stuck in my head, and I hope in Kav’s, too.

      3. Same here! I held onto calendars in my closet for a year or so, because so many events were written on them, but they didn’t hang around much longer than that. And not everything went on those calendars anyway.

      4. Yes, thank you! Why does he still have his calendar from 36 years ago? This is so weird!!!

    3. And keeping a calendar of parties in high school? Really? Granted, I did not run in privileged circles, but in my experience, so many parties were just impromptu.

      1. +1. I did run in privileged circles. I don’t know of anyone who would have written a real party down on a calendar. Parties might be planned a few days ahead of time, if you knew so-and-so’s parents were going to be out of town, but they were entirely word of mouth. If there was going to be drinking, no way you’d write it down for somebody to find out that you lied about where you were going.

    4. Is this a calendar where he wrote down his *plans*, or what he *did*? Or both? Irrespective of how I feel about everything else about this, they seem really weird to me. Who writes down who is driving to prom on the calendar? He was grounded a lot in May, but there are still parties on the calendar? Just seems a little weird, but in any event, doesn’t seem to prove anything.

    5. Let’s all call Senators Collins, Murkowski, Flake, and Heller today and turn anger into action. It takes 20 seconds.

      1. Don’t call them if you don’t live in their state. Seriously, if you’re not their constituent, they don’t care, and you’re just going to clog up the phone lines and voice mail boxes of those of us who are trying to reach our Senators.

        1. +1. Calls from non-constituents are worthless and clog the phones and prevent real constituents from calling. But by all means, if you live in Alaska, Maine, Arizona or Nevada call your *own* senator!

          1. Also call if you have an on the fence dem senator or a Republican senator with a conscience!

    6. What’s with all the doctors appointments? They’re like every second week! Surprised he didn’t claim he was too sick at attend parties.

    7. There’s a really obvious reason why they were released: they demonstrate his innocence.

      No one would have any idea that these still existed, and no one would know in how much detail he had in them. But Brett Kavanaugh knew he kept very detailed notes, and he tore his parents’ basement apart to find them.

      Why?

      Because he knows he did not do it and is looking for any evidence that might exist, 36 years later, to prove it.

      Making fun of him proves that you know this, too. “Hoarder” or mocking him for being grounded takes the focus off the very basic, irrefutable fact that he was able to produce detailed calendars of his whereabouts; no one would even know they exist; they could incriminate him; but he searched for them.

      If you were in his situation, you would do the exact same thing.

      Guy’s innocent.

      1. They do nothing to prove anything. They expressly mention numerous parties. No way to know if these were the parties were Dr. Ford was present or not. Or if that party was recorded at all.

        What evidence is there that he recorded every event attended in these? That he says so? Seems a little illogical that he recorded underage drinking party dates and locations.

        I don’t find him more credible than Dr. Ford. He’s a snivelling weasel. No one believes him.

        1. Yeah I don’t believe him at all, because he’s clearly already lied. In the Fox News interview, he said he never partied, he only did academics, service clubs, church, etc. That’s very much contradicted by the yearbooks and his own calendars. He’s clearly a liar who’s lying to help himself so why should we trust anything that comes out of his mouth? We have no evidence Dr. Ford is lying, so between them I’m inclined to believe the one who isn’t a proven liar.

      3. People are poking fun because they don’t prove anything actually. Would you believe I didn’t rob a bank if I told you “but I didn’t check-in on Facebook” or “I didn’t write it in my calendar”? It doesn’t prove or disprove anything. At best, it casts doubt on the narrative that he had no time for anything but the library, but again, pretty thing. It doesn’t prove or disprove anything.

    8. They aren’t serving the intended purpose. These calendars scream privileged white kid who partied a lot. What jumped out to me is there is no mention of a job or going to work on these calendars.

  11. I noticed that my dryer is leaving some gray/light black smudges on light colored clothing. The drum itself is clean and the dryer works well. Anyone know what this could be or happened to anyone else?

    1. Are you sure it’s the dryer? If you have a front-load washer, I’d suspect a mildewed gasket first.

        1. The same thing happened to me, and it was attributable to the front load washer, which ended up having to be replaced. Unfortunately, I was never able to get the smudges out because it was grease from the motor in the washer.

    3. Check your washer — and a front-load washer doesn’t have to be the problem. It can happen with a top-load washer. Mine did this years ago and all I’ve ever used are top-load. It quit when I gave up using liquid fabric softener and switched to dryer sheets. The liquid stuff tends to create a buildup — especially if you have hard water/well water — that ends up on your clothes.

      I can’t remember how we cleaned the washer, though. This was before the days of washing machine cleaner. Give that stuff a try, and it wouldn’t hurt to run a cycle or two of hot water and white vinegar. I know I’m always preaching white vinegar on here, but the stuff WORKS, and it works for everything.

    1. Read the reviews carefully (for example, one option we recently considered looked fabulous, but there were on and off reviews over the past 6 months mentioning hot water failures… no thank you), and message with the host before booking (even if you’re able to book without approval) to test responsiveness.

    2. Book and enjoy! Read the listing thoroughly for what it includes and doesn’t include. Read the reviews – the site is all about trust and crowdsourced info. If you’re looking for multiple beds, make sure that you’re getting real beds, and one isn’t like, a pullout or a daybed, unless that’s ok with you. Check the map to make sure it’s in a general geographic location you’re ok with (it will give you a radius circle of where it’s located). Be a good communicator with your host for check-in and check-out, and follow check-out procedures carefully. I have never been not accepted for a stay or cancelled on, but that does occasionally happen.

    3. Make sure you know what you’re looking at/for in terms of just a room or the whole unit/home (my preference). Read reviews, and discard anything where you would overall describe the reviews as “mixed” or worse. Pay attention to fees and cancellation policies.

    4. In some cities, like Paris, they now require a registration number and if the listing doesn’t have one or if you ask and they won’t provide you one, the unit is likely illegal. There’s a lot of crackdowns on that now.

    5. Always book and communicate through the platform. Read descriptions and reviews carefully. Be considerate of the neighbors/neighborhood.

      I’ve stayed in many great places. Enjoy!

  13. Need a gut check. A friend’s job often gives her free tickets to events. These events are usually sports related. I hate all things sports so I’m not exactly her first (or 5th) choice of guests. A familiar pattern has emerged: friend will invite whatever guy she’s dating to the event, he’ll cancel at the last minute/stand her up, and she’ll call me crying and beg me to go with her because she wants to go but doesn’t want to go alone. I’ll agree because even though I hate sports I love my friend – and I figure hey there’s always beer.

    Then after I agree, friend will insist that I have to drive, pick her up, and pay for parking – because she’s supplying the tickets. Friend lives 30 minutes in the opposite direction of the sportsball from my house – so her plan involves an extra 2 hours of travel time for me. She never wants to either meet at my house and then go to the venue or just meet at the venue. Fwiw I’ve never actually done what friend wants – I’ve either said ok I’m out have fun on your own, or no you’re taking an uber to my house and we’ll go together (and then friend expects me to pay for the uber). But it takes a lot of back and forth to get there, and then friend is pissy for a while that I wouldn’t just pick her up. So now I’m just saying no to all invitations. Friend is pretty upset. Of course I feel guilty because I’m letting someone down. I shouldn’t feel guilty, right?

    1. Friend sounds like kind of a PITA but I think if you don’t make an effort ever (not even once?) then it’s reasonable for your friend to feel like she put in some effort and you’re putting in none. I’d just have a candid conversation that it takes a ton of effort for you, and you’re willing to do it sometimes, but you also kind of feel like an afterthought, and it would be great if she could also meet you halfway.

      1. Oh we do plenty of other stuff together. I see her at least once a week if not more. And these aren’t planned events (because I would never plan to go to a sportsball) – this is strictly about the last minute “emergency” sportsballs that she knows I don’t want to go to anyway. Like I’ll go, because you’re my friend and you have tickets and that guy’s a jerk, but not if you’re going to make it as unpleasant for me as humanly possibly.

    3. Uh, no. You should not feel guilty. Just reiterate that you’re happy to do something else with her but you’re not really into sporting events.

      Also, she’s acting like she’s doing YOU a favor by letting you come with her. When it’s really the other way around. You are doing HER a favor by accompanying her last minute to an event that is not really your jam. Please point this out the next time she asks you to pick her up, pay for her uber, pay for parking, etc. There should be zero cost to you, and it’s 100% okay for you to say that upfront.

      1. I’m glad someone else gets this point, I’ve tried to explain this to her and it just doesn’t get through. She absolutely thinks she’s doing me a HUGE favor. “They’re great seats! You MUST love them!” No I do not care this is like watching paint dry but in a huge crowd of drunk people who are really emotionally invested about the paint drying. I do not need a better view of the paint drying. I would like a better view of… the bar.

        1. “really emotionally invested about the paint drying”

          I am going to try to work this phrase into something today. I really like this phrase.

    4. You have permission to not feel guilty. You don’t even like sportsball. If it were me in this scenario, I might go once begrudgingly (like “are you suuuuure you want me to go? you know I get so bored watching men play a glorified game of fetch.”) and make clear that if I’m going just to accompany her, it’s on my terms.

    5. You’re being a good friend by offering to attend the game with her so she doesn’t have to attend alone. Anything beyond meeting her at the sportsball event location, is over the top. No wonder the guys keep cancelling on her if she is this self centered.

      1. Oof, I didn’t think of that, but that’s a good point. If she’s asking them to drive and pay for parking, they’re probably scoffing internally, and I can’t say I’d blame them for deciding at the last minute that neither she nor the game is worth the trouble.

        Then again, I don’t like to speculate too much about people I’m hearing about secondhand, or even the posters themselves. Seems unkind.

    6. Don’t feel guilty. An invitation does not make you obligated to go to anything. I think you could back away from this being all about the ride and who pays for what and say, “I enjoy going with you once a season or so, but it really just takes too much time/energy for me to go more often, so I’ll have to decline other invitations. I’d love to meet for [something convenient] later though.”

      FWIW, I go to my city’s NFL games in the fall, and I DO enjoy them, but oh man, the whole process is exhausting. DH and I are useless the rest of the day after a game (win or lose), so we also have to wake up early on Sundays to get our chores done, and this fall, Sunday nights are “sandwich Sundays.”

      1. “I enjoy going with you once a season or so, but it really just takes too much time/energy for me to go more often, so I’ll have to decline other invitations. I’d love to meet for [something convenient] later though.”

        This is an excellent response! Use this language. And don’t feel even a little bit guilty.

      2. Wow, SC, I’m jealous! I’m barely out of church before kickoff and end up listening to games on WWL in my kitchen because I’m cooking, etc. on Sunday afternoons. Last week’s game nearly caused me to stop breathing!

    7. No, this is stupid. You shouldn’t feel guilty. Friend seems pretty high maintenance.

      1. Yes — your friend isn’t going to treat you better than the treatment you tolerate

    9. Your friend sounds very unreasonable and high maintenance. She’s “supplying” the tickets but she’s not paying for them so IDK why that means that if you join you have to pay for everything.

      Also if she wants to go there is absolutely nothing wrong with going alone. I do things alone all the time. If she’s upset because she “had to” do a thing alone, maybe she needs to learn to be alone.

    10. I grant thee permission to give zero f%cks.

      (Another commenter did that for me yesterday, and it really was helpful.)

      You’re a good friend.

    11. Yikes. If she’s inviting you, she shouldn’t be insisting that you cover specific costs. I generally believe that if someone invites you to an event you should offer some sort of compensation, offer to drive, or buy them a drink at the event (depending on how much things cost, how into the event you are, etc.) but your host shouldn’t be asking you for that, especially if they’re the one who not only invited you, but begged you to go knowing it’s not your thing just so she doesn’t go alone. I mean really, she doesn’t have any other friends she can ask? She can’t put it out on Facebook that she has two tickets for the game? Why is it always you? Well, I guess I know, you kept going so she kept inviting you. But you shouldn’t feel bad for not going anymore. She needs to find a new solution to her extra ticket problem. And it sounds like she needs to date better guys too.

    12. I was trying to give the friend the benefit of the doubt until I got to the part where she expects you to pay for her uber to your house. That’s just bizarre. Don’t feel guilty!

      1. Yeah, her reasoning is that I should just pick her up. If she’s ubering to my house she’s doing me a favor so I should pay for it. And of course I should pay for her uber all the way home too – which is the much bigger expense.

        1. She is the one who should be picking you up, since she is the one dragging you along.

        2. This reasoning is bonkers. You’re doing her a favor by picking her up! If she wants to go somewhere she can drive to there!

          1. +1 she sounds terrible. If this many guys are cancelling on her for a free sporting event, they either really really hate sports or she is giving off bad vibes.

        4. Ok this is just bizarre. Not sure why she thinks this is okay, but it’s pretty poor friend behavior and not something that you should put up with for a second.

  14. Illness has left me unable to exert use for months. I suddenly find myself really stiff and inflexible. Where can I get yoga instructions (videos, instructions etc) to start regaining some flexibility?

    1. Yoga with Adrienne, Yoga with Kassandra, and Yoga Upload are my favorite youtube channels. They have slightly different styles, but all have videos of varying lengths and difficulties and good explanations of the poses.

      1. Yes. Yoga with Adrienne is a great place to start. Try 30 days of yoga and you will be amazed at how you feel afterward. Its also pretty low impact and low activity. Adrienne also often directs folks to rest and what kinds of rest poses are good in different moments. I love her.

        And I’ve been saying I need to do yoga tonight for like three weeks… the struggle.

    2. I love the Down Dog app – I use the free version but if you pay for Pro you can tailor your workouts to target flexibility or hip opening or whatever you might need. I think it’s like $8 a month.

  15. I’d love feedback from other attorneys at firms (or formerly at firms). I am a senior associate at a law firm. My firm doesn’t actually do “senior” titles, but I’m the most senior associate at my firm. My question is, how have other associates received increasing responsibility or new tasks/challenges as their career progresses? At what point did you start owning your work rather than having stuff go out under the partner’s name? I’m in a medium-sized firm in a medium-sized town. I’m feeling like my duties and type of work haven’t changed much since I started, which has put me in a rut, but I’m also not sure what I should be asking for to make it better.

    1. Depending on your firm, there may need to be a partner that appears on the pleadings with you, even if you are the one doing everything (that’s the case at mine). That said, as the most senior associate, you should definitely be managing some of your own cases at most medium-sized firms. Is there a junior partner (or really any partner) you trust to have a conversation with about this? As a partner, I would be thrilled if an associate approached me with questions like this. Honestly, as the most senior associate, they may all be wondering why you haven’t before this point…

    2. I was unable to get this to work at my former firm. I moved to a smaller firm, and made it clear during the interview process the types of responsibilities I was looking for, understanding that this could result in not getting an offer if they weren’t willing to give me those responsibilities. Pretty sure that is why I got dinged at a few places, but meh it wasn’t what I wanted anyways.

  16. I have about $25k that I need to put aside and use in about a year. I need the money to be there so I don’t want to put it in the market. I’m considering either a high yield savings account or a money market account, but I can’t figure out which is better (if it matters). I am not financially savy. I already have money invested at Vanguard so, from a simplicity perspective, using a money market account there is appealing. But I’d like to maximize the small gains I can get while keeping the money protected. Thanks!

    1. If you need that amount and can’t risk it, I would either put in a one-year CD or a (so-called) high yield account at Capital One 360 (formerly ING) or similar.

    2. A one-year CD seems like a good option, but check the savings account rates at Ally, too. I keep my tax money there and my emergency savings. I think the rate is 1.85% right now.

      1. Ally actually has a no-risk “CD” right now that is at a rate of 2.10% for deposits at 25k and above–and you can withdraw at any time after the first 6 days, with all your interest, no penalty. It’s a no brainer to keep it there rather than even in an Ally savings account, since there’s literally no difference at all after the first 6 days (except that you can’t add to it over time like you would a savings account).

    3. I just checked and the Vanguard Federal Money Market Fund is paying 1.98% right now and will likely pay more as the Fed continues to raise rates over the course of the next year. This is where the money will automatically go if you deposit it to Vanguard and is an incredibly safe place to park funds you will need in a year.

  17. I had a really tough project at work just wrap up, and after all of the late nights and constant stress, my brain is numb. I have another project I need to get started on, but I feel so fuzzy/out of it/uninspired. What do you do to refresh yourself (in a day or less) to get ready for the next big thing at work?

    1. Honestly – I’d take a half day off for personal errands (grocery shopping, nails, a quick mall trip or something along those lines), and the other half of the day I’d clean out my office – and maybe put in an order for restocking some office supplies.

    2. Take a day off if you can. Spend it at home, eating your favorite foods and bingewatching.

    3. At work, I take as much time as I can spare to physically and mentally clear space. Get Old Project off your desk and organize anything related to New Project. Check any small or administrative tasks off your to-do list. Maybe splurge on something for your office–an orchid, new tea, your favorite snacks.

      In my personal life, I get my hair done, take everything to the laundry, and restock my freezer. If I couldn’t take time off work, I’d probably make sure I had a low-key weekend with a lot of self-care and few social obligations.

  18. Looking for a gut check. I recently discovered that my husband has taken up smoking cigarettes. He doesn’t know that I know, but he is certainly aware that I have strong feelings about smoking. In the theoretical, it would be a deal breaker in someone I was dating. Obviously I’m not going to end a marriage over cigarettes, but the fact that he is hiding this from me has me wondering whether there are bigger issues in our marriage. I haven’t spoken to him about it yet because I just started a really busy period at work and I’m too tired to unexpectedly find myself in a “bigger issues” conversation. Am I overreacting?

    1. No. Talk to him tonight. “Hey, am I cray? You’re smoking right? What’s the deal?”

    2. Not overreacting. Smoking is a big deal, and not just because of underlying causes. Husband anxious and wants to start biting his nails or using a fidget spinner? Okay, maybe relax. But smoking is foul, addictive, and has long term health risks. It affects you. I figure my husband would want to be warned I’m about to stop kissing him if we don’t get to the root of the issue.

    3. Ok here goes: I’m the secret smoker in my relationship.

      When I travel for work, I buy/bring a pack of cigarettes. When I’m done for the day, I take myself on a long walk and smoke one or two. I don’t tell my husband because I asked him to quit his pack-a-day habit before we got married, and he did. I feel like it’s different because I’ve never had a habit (I go months at a time without thinking about a cigarette). I justify it by saying, if I’m doing something I don’t like (being away from my family) I want a sort of ‘bad’ treat… hence the cigarette.

      There are no bigger issues or secrets in our relationship. I love him dearly and think he’s sexyAF and when he bothers me I tell him. It feels like barely a secret and more of a “something I am not bringing up.” Once I went out drinking with a smoker friend and she gave me a cigarette and when I came home and initiated …ahem… Husband was like “sniff sniff did you smoke with Friend?!” “yeah” “you shouldn’t do that.” “I know.” …continue the activity at hand… So like, he knows that I don’t never smoke? I know he thinks I shouldn’t ever smoke, and I know he’s right. But sometimes I do, because ???

      Anyway, TL;DR I do what your husband seems to be doing, and there is nothing at all wrong in my relationship.

      1. Yes there is! You’re lying to your husband! I’d leave my spouse if I found out they had been smoking for years without telling me and then got sick.

        1. + 1 Rainbow Hair, you’re such a great contributor here but I’m shocked at what you’re doing here. And don’t you have a child? You’re endangering your child as well, in addition to lying to them about your smoking. Yikes. Fess up asap.

          3. Huh? My child lives in Southern California where she is exposed to much worse than… me not smoking because I only do it when I’m on the other side of the country?

            “Life is short, and I’ve shortened mine in a thousand delicious, ill-advised ways, a thousand deliciously ill-advised ways…”

      2. Because?!? You’re addicted to cigarettes don’t care about his wishes and should figure out another coping mechanism for your anxiety?!?

      3. I think your sort-of-secret smoking is different, though. First off, your husband is an ex-smoker. OP doesn’t appear to be, and may not be able to tolerate having his smoky clothing in the house. Also, you and your husband seem to have a tacit understanding that he is going to register his objection, you are going to note it and keep doing what you are doing, and everyone is going to go on about their business. OP and her husband don’t have that.

      4. You say there is nothing wrong in your relationship, but you are lacking trust. If there was no problem with you smoking, you’d be telling your husband “hey, this is a weird thing I do, but I sometimes like to have a cigarette when traveling.” If it’s not a big deal, then why the secrecy?

        OP, smoking is a really serious issue and you should definitely bring it up with your husband. Even occasional smoking exposes you to secondhand and thirdhand (clothes, hands, etc.) exposure and you are entitled to have all the information to assess that risk.

        1. I have to agree that “it doesn’t matter/they’d be fine with it!” and “I’m not going to disclose this” are mutually contradictory. It’s self-serving. Maybe this really is no big deal–I don’t know–but the secrecy suggests it is.

        2. She’s supporting her partner’s not smoking. How is that self-serving?

          (Though I do know at least one family like the family in that City Island movie… where some of the people who smoke are keeping it secret from one another!)

      5. Pretty sure my husband does this. If he smoked when he was in town I would know. I have a really sensitive nose and I’ve been very clear that I hatehatehate the smell. He’s told me before that he used to smoke sometimes before we started dating. Basically if someone offered him one when when he was out with friends he’d have one or two but never bought his own cigarettes. I’m reasonably sure he still does this with his best friend/business partner when they go on trips. FWIW, it doesn’t bother me.

      6. Thank you for that perspective. This is an area where my husband and I have very different backgrounds and opinions, so it’s really hard for me to put myself in his shoes. I appreciate you putting that out there!

        1. Thanks for saying that. In spite of the whole “how bad is RH for doing this?!” turn the thread has taken, what I really meant to say was just that I think it can be a thing without it being A Thing.

      7. Yikes. I still don’t think this is great. It’s not even about the smoking, it’s about the secrets and the lying by omission.

      8. Rainbow Hair, I think there are some major overreactions noted above.

        Honestly people, she is a grown woman and it does not appear that it is a complete secret in any case as detailed in the story. Do you people come home from a night out and detail every drink you had, every piece of fried cheese curd, every conversation with the bartender…? Come on.

        1. … Yes, and the fact that it is not actually a secret is what makes it more OK than OP’s situation.

        2. Yeah, seriously. A cigarette or two every few months is, in the long run, likely far less risky than all manner of things many posters here do all the time. It’s not addiction, and keeping it from her husband is, IMO, really not a big deal. If that’s the biggest secret in her marriage, she’s a lucky woman.

          1. + Your last line says it all!

            Smoking a cigarette every now and then is no different than indulging in other things that are “bad” for us like alcohol, sugary drinks, fried foods or desserts. And trust me, if you’ve looked at the studies on what sugar does to your brain, you’re in more trouble eating some cake then you are smoking a cigarette.

      9. Rainbow Hair, I think people are wildly overreacting to your particular scenario. I also occasionally smoke when traveling without my husband and maybe have 1-2 cigarettes a year when out with friends. I don’t hide it but I don’t highlight it either and probably wouldn’t mention it to him at all if he was someone who’d quit smoking for me.

        For the OP, I do think I’d be worried if I knew my husband had started smoking and never said anything about it. But I would try asking him about it casually first rather than making it a huge sit-down conversation. Something like hey I know you’ve been smoking but you haven’t said anything about it to me, what’s going on? Keep it open-ended then see what he says.

      10. DH got so stressed out about his fast food purchases when I set up the credit card to txt me about transactions while I was watching for unusual activity. I set the cut-off higher so he could buy his junk food in peace. It makes him sick to his stomach, but he eats it anyway, which he knows I think is irrational, so I guess it became a sore spot. I regret ever giving him a hard time about it now that I know it’s a source of anxiety for him. I don’t sweat the secret keeping; I’d keep my vices secret too if he ever got on my case about them.

      11. Wow this thread is nuts. I don’t tell my SO about every bag of chips I eat, GUESS I’M A HORRIBLE LIAR.

        Oh and I don’t allow chips in the house (because I will nom them all) so I must be a hypocrite too!

        1. You’re not seriously comparing chips to cigarettes. Chips don’t hurt anyone that doesn’t consume them. Second and even thirdhand (on clothes, etc.) smoke can affect peoples health.

      12. Rainbow Hair, I find the above responses overreactive to the point of being ABSURD.

        I remember a thread some years ago about people’s bedtime routines with their spouses, and was shocked at how many grown women have their spouse tuck them in at night as though they are children. I don’t think that level of closeness is healthy — I don’t want to know everything about my spouse, and I hope he has some small, benign secrets from me. If you really rehash everything you ate, said, and did on a business trip with your spouse every time you get home, that sounds like an absolutely suffocating relationship. I know so many husbands who hide their junk food because their wives have turned into the wellness police and can now assign extreme morality to a double stuf oreo. This doesn’t even seem like that level of hiding, either.

        I bet if RH’s spouse knew, he would not care a lick. It’s just not something that’s relevant or helpful info, and she is a grown-ass woman who gets to decide what personal info she shares in every relationship in her life, including her marriage. Smoking a cigarette is not the same as infidelity or financial irresponsibility or something else at the core of a partnership. It’s her body. She can smoke once in a while if she wants to, and she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. If her husband leaves her over this so-called “lie” of omission, I bet she wouldn’t let the door hit him on his way out. Just because they are married doesn’t create a duty for her to maintain her body and wellness to his liking and approval standards. Should she keep a food journal so he can him assess the healthiness of her eating while away from him?

        PSA: occasionally having a cigarette doesn’t make you any more of an addict to cigarettes than occasionally enjoying a glass of wine makes you an alcoholic.

    4. I know several couples with a secret smoker. Zero of them are because of marriage issues. The hiding is 100% because they know the other partner doesn’t like it (and pretty much always the other partner knows because no one is good at hiding smoking). They are adults and are plenty aware of all the reasons it is bad and gross. A discussion where you lecture them about that is going no where. A discussion where you try to understand the trigger(s)/reason might be helpful. You already said there was other stress in your life which is usually the trigger in non-regular smokers I know (regular being open multiple times per day smokers).

      I get why you don’t like this. I wouldn’t either. But if you’re already having other life stressors this just wouldn’t be that high up on the list for me. Unless my home and clothes smell like smoke because that gags me and I would absolutely call my own mother out on that.

      1. Okay, I am definitely not saying that secret smoking is always a sign of some other bigger issue. I do not believe that and I am not trying to argue that. But I question how much you really know about the inner workings of other couples’ marriages . . .

        1. It’s fair to say I don’t know all the details of their marriage but these aren’t people I know casually – I’m comfortable in my assessment for this particular aspect largely because it’s been discussed. With me. By both partners. (Family and/or close friends)

          For the secret smokers it’s sometimes a once in a while when out with others who do smoke or, more often, a former smoker who picks it back up during a time of high stress.

          I’m not suggesting it’s great and I personally don’t smoke nor would want to knowingly date/marry a smoker. I also wouldn’t want to be with someone who has the outsized reactions some other posters here seem to be having to a vice that is frankly a lot more prevalent than most people think.

    5. The leap from smoking to Bigger Issues seems like an overreaction, unless you have other reasons for concern.

      However, to me smoking would BE the bigger issue. I hate being around the smell of it. If I had a husband who took up the habit, and I now had to live with a smoker, that would be very difficult.

      1. Yeah this. I am also really into wellness and fitness, so this would go against every fiber of my being. This would not continue.

    6. I think you just need to ask. Look, I haven’t had a cigarette in 10+ years, but there are super stressful days when I walk past coworkers smoking and have a physical craving and a voice that says – that would make today better. Maybe he slipped because he’s hanging around smokers again, maybe he’s under a super stressful time too and is regressing to something that helped in the past.

    7. Well I think if you approach him like, you know I wouldn’t date you if you smoked because it’s a total dealbreaker for me, then you’re going to make it into a Big Issue. Give him some grace with his imperfections. Having an occasional smoke is really not a big deal.

      1. Yes it is a big deal, unless he is showering, brushing his teeth, and laundering his clothes before he comes home.

  19. Just a survey: what’s the tipping point for you (days of travel, number of events?) where work travel goes from a carry-on to a checked bag?

    Later in the month I’m doing two cities, a total of two weeks, pretty wildly varying levels of formality, plus two “fun” days right in the middle, and I expect to collect some souvenirs for kiddo. I’ll be checking a bag.

    But next week I’m right on the cusp: it’s a full week, and there are events that have annoyingly particular clothing requirements (“wear the blahblah tee for this event” “everyone is wearing the blahblah button down for this meeting” “formal dress for this dinner” “business casual for this meeting” etc. etc. etc.) … it seems like I *should* be able to do it in a carry on, but I’m not sure I can. And of course, I have a meeting like right when I land, so I really don’t have room for my luggage to be delayed… undecided.

    2. I always do carry-on, including for two weeks in Europe and for my honeymoon. You can do this!

      1. Same here. I also tend to ignore edicts about what to wear unless I’m in charge or high profile in some way. I pack close enough to pass but not exactly as I would if I really wanted to comply.

    3. I rehearsal pack it all and see where I land. And edit if need be. And wear my bulkiest items. But I HATE checking luggage on my way to anywhere, so I am a ruthless editor when I am on the line between will it fit in a carry on or not. One the way home, I will check away :)

    4. At a week I’d definitely be checking, and based on what you’re describing I definitely would check for this trip. I’d say tuck the outfit for your first meeting into a ziploc and throw it into whatever you bring as a carry-on.

    5. Highly dependent on access to laundry/dry cleaning. For 2 weeks with a ton of wardrobe requirements, I’d check… OR ship a suitcase of the next week’s clothing to the Week 2 hotel and then check that suitcase on the way home.

    6. I think I could still fit everything for a week (even with the varying dress codes you describe) in a full-size overhead bin carry on. I’d have to check if it was a small regional plane with tiny bins though.

    7. For me it depends on whether I care about what my hair and makeup look like. If I need tools and hair products and full face makeup, I’m checking a bag.

      I also tend to check a bag when I travel for business because I have a ton of work stuff with me. I’m not trying to bring a rolling lit bag and a suitcase on the plane.

    8. I always do carry-on, including for month and 6 week business trips and month long vacations. It would probably have to be a 2+ month trip for me to do a checked bag, but I HATE checking luggage cause I hate waiting for it when I just want to leave the airport.

      2. You don’t have to wait for checked bags anymore, because it takes so long to get off the planes because of having to wait for all the people who hauled everything onto the plane to haul it off, that by the time you get to baggage claim, the bags are there!

        Signed, checks her bags and resents that it can take 30-40 minutes to get off a plane because of people trying to get all their crap out of the overhead bins.

        1. Yaaaaas, this. I check my bags for even a long weekend because I don’t want to deal with lugging stuff around, and the wait has been less than 5-10 minutes for my last several flights. I suspect due to everyone who carries on.

          1. This has not been my experience. The two times I’ve checked bags in the last two years, cause I was carrying something that needed to be checked, I had to wait a long time – over 1 hour for the first trip (granted they said they were have technical problems) and 30 for the second.

    9. Mine is 5 nights, because at that point I need more hair products than I can fit in a 3-oz bottle and can’t carry on. (Yes, I have very thick hair.)

      1. I’m glad someone else said this. I always feel a bit high maintenance, but this hair doesn’t look this way on its own.

    10. Yeah I did a 10 day trip to London in December/January with carryon. If you have flexibility in what you can wear to that landing meeting, just wear your bulkiest/hardest to pack item on the plane. Or you could pack a suit with a dress, wear that to both the formal and the business casual events. Or wear your suit pants with said, I assume ugly tee shirt (I look HORRIBLE in those kinds of tee-shirts).

      RE: small overhead bins, sometimes they have a place you can put your carryon when you get on the plane and then you pick it up in the long rampy tubby thing (don’t’ know what thats called). I usually do this because I am short and bins have problems. The best part is that you see them putting it on the plane when you board so you know absolutely its coming with you.

      1. I hate checking my bag and being charged to do and so I always carryon. Yes, agree with the poster above that says entering/leaving the plane is congested and slow because everyone carries on. And a lot of people carryon over-stuffed, oversized bags that should be rejected. But after having three bags lost/delayed on three separate trips in one year, I never check anymore. Plus paying the fee completely irks me. (I’m cheap and don’t fly enough for status.)

        I take a lot of regional flights for my job and a lot of these are to/from airports with tarmac loading and overhead bins that don’t hold 22″ suitcase. I love being able to leave the bag on the cart at the tarmac and know the bag won’t get lost and I only have to wait for it for 5-10 minutes max and then go right to ground transport. I also love when I can gate-check my bag for free, which makes it certain that my bag will get there when I do.

    11. I am impressed you are even considering it. Anything longer than three days and I am team checked baggage, if only for the liquids/hair products that I need for a longer trip.

  20. What would you wear for date night flat shoes at this time of year? I’m in NYC, if climate influences your answer. This is also why I want flats bc I’m over wearing taxi (Uber) heels.

    2. Here are some in my current rotation: embellished mules (if you are not a mules fan, try embellished slippers or flats) – mine are velvet covered in pearls and I wear with jeans, leather espadrilles (the leather makes them less summer-y) which I also wear with jeans, over-the-knee suede boots (with a swingy ’60s-like dress), low-heeled booties (I have a leopard print calf hair pair and a Rag & Bone studded pair) with either jeans or dress depending on where they hit on my leg.

      1. Now I desperately want both leopard print and studded booties for the fall…

    3. My current go-to is a pair of snakeskin-printed pointy-toe flats. I got them from M.Gemi which I find always has some interesting flat options.

  21. Looking for recommendations for a hotel to accommodate DH, me and 10 month old for a 5-ish day vacation that I’m tacking this on to a business trip in February that is in Miami. Marriott, not Four Seasons, budget. We’d rent a car and drive from Miami to the West Coast (Sanibel and South?). We’re perfectly content staying on property at a nice pool and beach with the 10 month old.

    TIA!

    1. I love the West Wind Inn in Sanibel! Stayed there with my 2 yr old last year. It’s 300+ a night though – and fairly modest. Great location on the beach and great family-friendly pool. Super mellow. You’re going to find very high prices in Sanibel/Captiva at that time of year. I just budget for it and enjoy it while I”m there!

  22. Since we clearly have lots on Minneapolis fans on here – anybody know if it is safe to run in the Chain of Lakes at night? I’m in town for work and it’s been recommended to me as a running spot, but I won’t be heading out until 7 PM or so.

    1. Running at night is never entirely risk free (as I’m sure you know!) but you’re sure to have lots of company out on the trails tonight, marathon is just a few days away and the Chain of Lakes are very popular for running. It’s a safe/fancy/low crime area.

    2. That’s my neighborhood. I would say it’s mostly safe. Only some of walks around the Lakes have lights. It will be dark so make sure you have reflective clothing and can be seen.

  23. Got a gorgeous Armani blazer from ThredUp at a decent price. But it arrived, and it’s a really, really dark navy, not a black (as advertised). I was considering keeping it anyway, because it’s gorgeous and fits me like a dream, but I’m not sure what I’d wear it with. It’s too close to black to wear with black and I think it looks too black to wear with navy. Should I just return it? I also have a couple navy and grey blazers and don’t currently have a great black one, so I’d still be hunting for that.

  24. I’m a partner at a law firm and I’ve had a couple of 1st year associates invite me to their swearing-in ceremonies. Call me an old, but I didn’t realize this was A Thing. I can’t go to either of them, but should I be giving them a card or a gift or ? They are women associates and I am happy to have them at the firm, but I actually don’t work with them that much.

    1. They’re just being nice! Just email declining and congratulate them. Maybe take them to lunch because that’s just nice to do.

    2. Do they need an attorney at the ceremony to move their admission? If so then please don’t just say no, help them find someone else if you can’t make it. If not, then I agree they’re just being nice. Don’t buy a gift, just say congrats.

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