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A friend sent me a link to one of these desks a while ago, knowing my love of vibrant colors as well as big, lovely desks like this. The Etsy shop The Resplendent Crow specializes in adding a custom lacquer to older furniture. Scrolling through her shop is a lot of fun for inspiration. (The pictured desk is $2,550.)
We've done a similar DIY project at Casa Griffin — adding a green Annie Sloan chalk paint to an old desk, then adding fun hardware from Anthropologie — but lacquer is a bit difficult to work with, so if you want a shiny surface it's probably better to go with a shop like The Resplendent Crow. (I will say that chalk paint is great if you're trying to paint older furniture with a veneer without doing a ton of sanding — but it definitely has a matte, chalky finish that shows brushstrokes and the like. Another bonus is that it's incredibly low odor/fumes.)
Readers, are you into brightly colored furniture for your home? Have you done any fun DIY projects involving painted furniture, or do you have anything older sitting around your home that you've been itching to do a DIY project on?
(I have an old armchair that I bought for $10 at Goodwill when I was in COLLEGE — inspired by a House of Style episode where Cindy Crawford and Todd Oldham swore up and down how easy it was to reupholster old furniture all by yourself with just fabric and staples and then you can paint the fabric! Anyway, I'm totally going to do this one day. Eventually. With better stuffing and a luxe velvet fabric. But for now it has an Ikea cover on it.)
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
Feeling run down lately and am trying to figure out why. I have a drs appointment for a physical already scheduled a month from now, so obviously I’ll address it with her but in the meantime I’m wondering what it is about my diet.
Could it be from a lack of meat? I’ve always been someone who doesn’t eat much meat – like once every week or two was always enough, but now I’m wondering if that could be it. I usually feel rundown 1-2 days after my period so that week I’ll be sure to eat a few meat based dinners. But that was now 2 weeks ago from me. I’m kind of lazy about cooking etc. so I assume there are some days where maybe I’m not getting enough calories (though with WFH I’m also not commuting or expending much energy), but in the last week I HAVE been cooking – though mostly rice, pasta with vegetables, cheese etc., eggplant etc. Yet in the last few days I’ve started eating peanut butter sandwiches for lunch and the afternoon then seems better/less tired/more energy. Could it be iron (IDK if PB has that)? Protein?
For 40 something women out there, how much meat do you eat per week? I used to be able to do all vegetarian all the time and yet something about it seems challenging now.
Anon
Do you take a multivitamin with iron? I’m a 39 year old who eats pescatarian at home (I have the occasional meat meal at a restaurant) and I’ve never had any issues but I’ve also taken a multivitamin with iron since my early 30s.
Anon
I give blood regularly, so I’m always seeking out iron. I am mainly a vegetarian but eat good Bulgogi and other beef dishes when I get the chance periodically. I try to be a quality vegetarian though: bean and cheese burritos, whole oats, spinach. Potato chips are vegetarian (and gluten-free), but not a good choice :)
Anon
Also, once when I failed the iron test, the nice lady told me that if I drink a lot of caffeine (true), it can make it hard to absorb iron. So IDK how absolutely correct that is, but I’ve acted like I need to really counteract my bad habits with better other habits.
Anonymous
Iron, Vitamin D, and protein are the culprits I would examine first, but IANAD.
anonymous
Agree. Also get your thyroid levels checked.
Anonymous
+1 on iron and vitamin D. I don’t eat much meat either, and if I forget my vitamin D pills I feel tired within a few days.
Anon
I’m in my early 40s and have been a vegetarian since my early teens, mostly vegan these days. My hemoglobin levels have always been fine and when I’m tired it’s always because I’m not getting enough sleep or am stressed out. I do eat a lot of beans, nuts, seeds, whole grains, veggies, etc. though, plus I eat cereal for breakfast a few days a week and that’s heavily fortified with iron.
Anonymous
Try an iron supplement – you could be mildly anemic, especially if you often notice this after your period.
anon
You might be B12 deficient. This is my biggest problem area as a vegan. Iron and D are usually fine with not much work, but B12 takes consistent effort and legit supplements or else I am immediately in the danger zone.
Anonymous
PB has lots of protein and FATS.
You need fats. Your brain needs fats. Your «I’m satisfied»-mechanism needs fats.
PB is not iron deficiency. Salt and protein and fats is what you get from PB.
You probably WILL benefit from more leafy greens, red meat, aparagus, slow carbs, avocado and berries etc.
I’m fourtysomething, and for mainly vegetarian with some fish and meat works as well, but I never deprive myself of fats and fat soluble vitamins.
Anon
I WFH and never cooked with traditional meat at home, but I do like to roast fish 1-2x week. I do eat nice beef when eating out (1-2x/month due to COVID restrictions in my area). I often forget to take my iron and multivitamin supplement, but let’s say I take it 1x week. My 3 blood tests from this year showed no vitamin or iron deficiency, in fact, my iron levels were slightly above the norm (and I drink 7x double-espressos each day). So definitely do the blood test before you start playing with supplements. Check the other markers in the blood report with your doctor (red and white cell count, CRP, erythrocytes etc), potentially ask for a thyroid check.
I have also noticed lower energy levels, but I try to overcome them with daily 4-5km walks (I jump on a call with parents and just walk in the neighborhood) and getting fresh air and water every 2hrs, and making sure I am in bed at the same time.
Sadie
I eat meat from no times to twice daily and try to have one or two meat-free days a week. Iron supplements make a huge difference in my energy levels – the ones that really give me a boost are the iron supplements with folic acid.
Notinstafamous
I have a lined Boss blazer I love. The wool/outside of the blazer still looks great but I noticed a bunch of tears in the lining, especially inside the arms / armpit /wrist area today. Should I find a tailor to replace the lining, or should I just cut it out in the arms and have an unlined jacket? Or is this a sign the blazer as a whole is going to die a sudden sad death? It looks like the lining fabric has just worn out.
Anom
I looked into this a while back for the lining of a wool coat I’ve had for years. When I talked to a tailor about getting it relined, it was going to cost $200 or thereabouts. I think that’s about what I paid for it in 2010/2011. It’s a thinsulfate lined j crew wool coat in a size 0P. 10 years later, kinda difficult to find an equivalent replacement… but also difficult to justify spending that kind of money to replace the lining of a coat where the wool has gotten rather worn.
Anonymous
Honestly, look into the current cost of a 100% wool coat and it might change your mind.
Cat
I’ve re-lined a nice winter coat (armpits and hips patched – it is a black satin lining so not obvious that it wasn’t a total redo). Less $$ than a whole new lining. I should really have it done again as the coat itself is still looking great!
Ses
I’m not a skilled tailor, but I DIYed this for a coat I loved. It was just the arms. I bought satin in a close matching colour to the lining, turned the coat arms inside out, cut out (with a seam ripper) the original lining and used it as a template for the new arms. I then sewed the cuffs first, turned it right side out and did the best job I could of joining it back up at the shoulder.
It looks shockingly decent and I still wore the coat for years.
This was all in reaction to a $200 tailor estimate for my $20 goodwill Abercrombie coat :)
No Face
I have a coat with torn lining. I have worn the coat in that condition for three winters. I’m not recommending that! Just saying the coat will not suddenly die because the liner is torn.
Anon
I ask a tailor to replace linings in my loved pieces. I understand the cost is nearly as high as a new blazer/jacket/coat – but I am not going to waste time shopping for a new coat/blazer that will be a nightmare as the new collections often skimp on the material (wool content is decreasing or they use lower quality wool), the cuts are also more “universal” and often lack the little interesting details the old collections had. So it is worth to me to pay re-lining.
anon
As Tim Gunn would say, edit wisely. One well-painted accent piece, cool. A house full of them? That’s a very 2011 mommy-lifestyle blogger look.
Anon
I’d love some advice on how to handle this. I recently had a baby girl, and the baby’s father and I are currently not together in a romantic sense, but we’re coparenting and living together (we’re basically friends/roommates/coparents at this point, and then we’ll see). It was my decision to stop being together romantically. The pregnancy was a surprise but the baby couldn’t be more welcome – we’re both overjoyed with her and we’re a bit older so it really was a surprise in the best way possible.
I’ve just received the medical bills for the birth, and they’re in a couple of thousands $ range (after insurance). He was there for the birth and hospital stay. So far I have covered 100% of medical bills relating to the pregnancy, which is fine with me. I’ve bought all the expensive baby gear, but he buys diapers/bottles etc. He’s currently living in my house and I pay all of the mortgage, utilities, cleaning lady, everything (he’s not paying rent or anything towards housing costs). I don’t love that, but I significantly outearn him so I can afford it. Baby is on my insurance so I’m covering all the baby’s doctor’s visits and insurance premiums too. We’re both on parental leave at the moment but when we go back to work I suspect that I will cover the cost of the nanny. He buys most of the groceries and does probably 80% of the housework, so he’s definitely not a deadbeat. However, I feel a little bit resentful that he hasn’t offered to pay for some of the labor/delivery costs, even though I can afford to pay for it.
I know the answer is to talk to him, but we’re not communicating great when we’re not talking about logistical baby stuff. Talking about emotions with him is like talking to a wall, and I’ve just given up. And I find finances really hard to talk about. But I feel like it’s unfair that I should shoulder 100% of the costs of bringing this baby into the world, you know? Am I being unreasonable? Has anyone else been in this situation and how did you handle the labor/delivery costs?
Anon
We used flex spending, but I’m not sure if he could pay for your bills with that if you aren’t married. He could use it for the kid. As open enrollment is coming up, I’d mention if he could add kiddo on flex spending for medical and child care (can only use for an on=the=books nanny or professional child care). He might also have good health insurance for dependents (but often that is $$$ and one kid costs just as much as 5 kids).
Maybe he figures that your bills are covered by your insurance and doesn’t know how significant the out of pocket costs even are?
Anonymous
Girl what nonsense is this? Get him out if your house. Figure out child support and custody. You’ve created a huge mess.
anon
Blunt, but along the lines of what I’m thinking, too. OP, you have no romantic attachment to the dude and you need to protect yourself and your baby financially. Even if he wants to continue living together and co-parenting, this does not seem like a sustainable situation, so protect yourself accordingly.
Anonymous
Right like he’s just mooching off of you, you can’t communicate with his, this is just a terrible plan.
Anon OP
True, it’s not a sustainable solution but it is what’s best for us right now. We have a good coparent relationship and since he wants to be involved, it is much easier for me that he lives here, so we can take turns with feedings and other baby care. It would be much much harder for me if he wasn’t here (and I would have to hire childcare). It’s not a perfect solution, but being alone with the baby would be much harder, and we’ve managed to remain friends. I don’t plan to have him live here rent free forever – if we decide to do it for a year or so I will talk to him about paying rent. Right now we’re just trying to get through the fog of the newborn period. Trust me, I wish I was doing this in the context of a loving relationship (I never pictured it being this way), but that’s not there for me, so we’re focusing on the baby’s care and happiness for now. I don’t see a scenario where he would be paying child support since I outearn him by multiples, and I can’t bear the thought of not having the baby here full time if we had shared custody and he lived somewhere else. (We will likely do this when the baby is older.) I suspect if we had shared custody I would be paying child support to him given the earnings inequality.
Anonymous
Go talk to a lawyer. You aren’t coparenting successfully if you can’t even say “hey you owe me half the cost of the birth and rent”.
Anon
I definitely understand why it’s easier to have him around to co-parent but that doesn’t mean he gets to mooch off you! Wtf! He needs to be contributing to household expenses at the very least.
Cora
He can definitely pay some part of the rent and household expenses, which he would have to do if he didn’t live with you even if there was no baby
Anon
+1
He’s living rent free and not contributing to his OWN CHILD’s expenses beyond diapers? Girl what are you doing??
Anon
This is not that different than what happens in married couples where both work but one vastly out earns the other. The separate pots / no plan for the future is what chafes, not the $ actually spent (especially if you aren’t asking or it is on amazon autodelivery).
Anon
I mean isn’t that what countless stay at home moms do? I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with one partner contributing financially and the other parent doing more housework. But since they’re not married she needs some kind of legal agreement to protect her.
Anon
Right, but that’s married couples who agree to share their earnings. Not being together just means this guy is getting a free ride.
LaurenB
Yes, but those countless stay at home moms presumably have a commitment from / to / with their partner, that this person doesn’t have.
Anon
True, but many marriages end and I’m also not clear why a couple can’t do something that works for them short term even if they haven’t made a commitment to do it forever. Just because an arrangement isn’t going to last forever doesn’t mean it can’t be beneficial for both parties while it lasts.
I was responding to the comments about him “mooching” off her, fwiw. I don’t disagree with everyone saying that she should consult a lawyer to protect herself, but it sounds like she’s benefiting from this arrangement too with childcare and housework help, and I don’t see it as him “mooching” anymore than a stay at home spouse is mooching off their partner.
Anonymous
+1 this minus the implication that you’re solely responsible for this mess. Consult a lawyer and don’t live together unless you want to AND he pays for his fair share of all costs.
Anonymous
That implication was not intended!
Anon
You have a discussion about household finances and say what you’ve said here. Gather together all of your one-time costs (crib, delivery bills) and monthly costs for anything you share (mortgage, utilities, cleaning lady, baby insurance). Add in groceries and the baby items he currently purchases. Divide it up proportionally to income, so that if you earn 7x what he earns, you pay 7/8ths and he pays 1/8th.
And see a lawyer. If this guy moves out, you will have a shared custody agreement and you might owe him child support.
Cornellian
+1 to seeing a lawyer. The birth expenses aren’t the real issue here, you need to understand whether you’re creating an ability for him to sue for (p)alimony or child support. If nothing else you can document your arrangement in a cohabitation agreement.
Anon
+1. My concern would not be the birth expenses which are fixed and relatively small. But I’d be worried if things go south between you he could claim child support and you’d be on the hook for that for 18 years.
Anon
This. Also, is he even a named parent on the birth certificate? Some states (SC, IIRC) are weird re non-married parents and establishing paternity (see Southern Charm paternity drama), so if he’s not named on the birth certificate, you may need to legally establish paternity (which could affect a wide variety of employee benefits but let dad name you/kiddo as insurance beneficiaries if he has that through work and may give kid some legal rights to SSI if dad becomes disabled, etc.).
Anon OP
He’s on the birth certificate, and has signed the state’s form acknowledging paternity (which they require for unmarried parents). He was there for the birth and entire hospital stay.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I will consult a lawyer.
SMC - San Diego
I am not going to opine on what you should do other than talk to him about the plan moving forward given that living together forever is not sustainable. (And yes – you should talk to an attorney.)
But if the current arrangement is working for you other than as to money, I am going to push back a little on the “kick him out” narrative. You may want/need help with the baby (particularly when you go back to work) and making him move out may result if you needing to (1) split custody and (2) pay child support. That may well be inevitable no matter what, but splitting custody of an infant can be really hard so if you can delay that for a while it might make your life easier, particularly if he continues doing the bulk of the housework. It would also be nice to push off the decisions about who gets Christmas and birthdays until after Covid.
Anon
And I’m not so sure that it is costing her $. If he is contributing non-maritally, then she may have a greater offsetting child support obligation to him (even if they are living together), so it may be a net loss (and she potentially loses live-in help that is really invested in the kid vs needing potential paid care). It may not be a solvable problem except to see if he has any work benefits or social benefits the kid may be entitled to.
Anon
Agree with SMC re: do not rush to kick him out. The first six months are brutal. If kicking him out means you are sleep-deprived when your daughter is at home with you, or missing her savagely when she’s with her dad, you’re not going to perform well at your job and you’ll be a wreck. Talk to a lawyer, co-parent amicably, talk about a proportional split to the expenses.
Sarah
+1 this sounds like the best solution
Anon
I’d also see a lawyer about the impact of him living with you on custody.
anon
I had a baby as a single mom. Go see a family lawyer and find out what you need to do in order to (i) establish his legal parentage, if that’s not done already; (ii) obtain child support for expenses relating to your child; and (iii) determine custody and legally document your plans with respect to parenting, decision-making, etc. You are not doing yourself or your child any favors by letting everything stay nebulous and undefined why you become more and more resentful.
Also, stop living together. It isn’t good for you or your kid to have your ex-boyfriend in the house, even if that’s dad. What that means is that you are adding the emotional pain, complexity, etc. of a breakup to the challenges of raising a new baby. You have to get some distance from your relationship issues – both because your child doesn’t need to be exposed to that, and because you don’t need to have this in your house while you’re trying to navigate new parenting.
Not to be a jerk, but the odds are you and your ex’s relationship is going to get worse, not better.
Anon
Or just the simple thing of if you are not a couple, one or both of you might become one and that will just be . . . potentially explosive and likely prevent either of you from moving forward. It is easier if everyone gets a long, but at some point, dude will be a more competent dad if he has to have kiddo solo for a while (vs being what Louis CK called the Assistant Mom (I know we don’t like him anymore, but he was not wrong about this in many cases)). FWIW, you may wind up with a child support bill with him moving out, but don’t be the person who is too cheap to do the right thing (which will be the thing that happens later if not sooner anyway)).
anon
Coming back here to give some more granular advice: OP, part of the reason you need to see a lawyer is that you need to have hard conversations with your ex that you’ve said you struggle to have. When you see a lawyer, the lawyer is going to tell you that you need a parenting plan. Creating that plan is going to force you to work through those conversations. It’s very likely (almost certain, in my experience as someone who did this) that you and your ex do not have the same expectations about how your child will be raised and – most critically – about who makes the decisions. If you disagree about what school she should go to, what nanny to choose, whether she needs to go to the doctor, whether to raise her in a religious faith – who gets to decide? You may assume you’ll get to make the final calls on those things, and you may find that he doesn’t share those expectations at all.
Like I said above, assume that right now – immediately post-breakup – it’s as good as it’s ever going to get. This is the time to do the hard and painful work of putting your legal arrangement in place, because it’s only going to be harder 6 months down the line when your relationship has further deteriorated.
Separate the issues around your relationship and cohabitation situation (i.e., whether it’s fair that he pays no household expenses, given that he does most of the housework) from the issues relating to your child. I do think you shouldn’t live together, because I doubt that situation will remain emotionally stable, but even if you choose not to deal with any of that, you need to deal with parental rights/responsibilities, decision-making, and financial support. And yes, even if he makes a lot less than you do, he can and should contribute to the care of his child. Including nanny costs, since that is what enables BOTH OF YOU (not just you) to work. His resources are fewer, but his child is entitled to him sharing them for her care.
No Face
This is very good advice. Better to have the tough conversations now than three years from now, or when you are in a serious relationship with another man, or when you have a conflict over something about baby’s care. You also need to set the expectation that you are both intentionally contributing to the baby’s care with time, energy, and money.
Anon
Married couples have to work through this stuff, too, especially for any cross-cultural marriage or just generally. It is less fraught, but often dislodges a lot of unspoken embedded assumptions about gender roles and how families should be. Like extended family visits (will MIL come for several weeks for the holidays), religion, maybe you want female doctors, where kiddo goes to school, daycare vs maybe he quits his job to care for kid (or what do you do with that offer), etc.
Anonymous
+1
Senior Attorney
Lots of food for thought here. I will just add that when you (wisely) consult with a lawyer, make sure one of the topics covered is what, if any, rights he may have as a “tenant at sufferance” or similar and how to retain your right to ask him to leave if you decide to do so.
And congratulations on that sweet baby!
Ses
Some people here are reading things into your relationship and giving immediate “kick him out” advice, but… not all families are traditional!
If I were you, my highest priority would be the health and happiness of the kid and myself. If having this guy around makes your life easier, just leave it be for now. I think your plan to wait until the baby is a little older is the absolute most sensible thing you could do right now.
I watched a friend kick her husband out when she was very pregnant, and what followed was just an exhausting sh*t show of child care issues and court battles. She couldn’t afford a nanny, so if you can maybe it’s different… but I know after that I would pick a half-ass partner over an absent one in that situation.
Yes, talk to a family law lawyer and make sure you’re protected, but if you think you could get this level of attention and care from a nanny instead of your kid’s dad – that’s highly unlikely, and certainly not at the cost he’s currently running you (a portion of the rent you’re paying anyway? Baby costs <20k? that’s a wild bargain compared to an infant nanny).
Just a vote for staying the coparent course with what sounds like a generally fine partner who you’re just not in love with right now/ anymore and who is poorer than you. If you had any other relative, or even a spouse who would coparent with you like that, people would think it was fine.
Anon OP
Thanks, yes, it’s an unusual arrangement but I don’t see any reason for kicking him out at this stage and getting an expensive nanny instead, and having the baby not be around her dad (who loves her and dotes on her). At some point I will want to resume my life (dating? seems far off right now but one day maybe…) and it will make more sense to not live together, but right now it really helps me to have him here, and he’s 100% on board with the baby care. Also I can’t stand the thought of only having the baby 50% of the time (and it wouldn’t work now either way – I’m exclusively b-feeding). He and I get along fine at this stage, have dinner together every night (which he cooks 100% of the time), and having him here allows me to get out and exercise and see friends on occasion. And he takes half the night feedings so I can get some sleep.
But the advice to talk to a family lawyer early is good. I just got a recommendation and will set up an appointment.
Anonymous
+1 I was surprised by all the kick him out advice. I see lots of advantages to parents living together if they can peacefully coexist in the same house, and I don’t see why this arrangement is different than a marriage in which one partner earns way less or stays home. It seems to be a mutual decision, and she is reaping the benefits of his household support in exchange for her financial support. The one caveat is that the absence of a legal marriage may have consequences in the future, so it would be good for all parties involved to consult a lawyer.
NYCer
+2. I don’t think you need to kick him out either. It seems like this arrangement is working just fine right now.
As for your question about the hospital bills, does he even know they exist? Or were they just sent to you? I would be matter of fact about it (no need to talk about emotions), say that the birth cost X and you think it makes sense to split it.
Anon
I was also surprised by so many of the “kick him out” comments because these types of arrangements are not that uncommon where I am. There are all kinds of ways to have a family besides the hetero woman legally marries hetero man, and they have 2.5 kids and a house with a white picket fence. In the newborn stage it’s absolutely beneficial to mom and baby for their to be some help in the house and if the help is the baby’s biodad, who is doing 80% of the housework during this very exhausting phase, I think it’s better for the OP to think about how to have the conversation with him about expense sharing and go see the lawyer about some paperwork to keep everything on the level than it is to kick him out just because this situation doesn’t look like Leave it to Beaver.
In my own life I have seen: a lesbian couple with three kids who asked a gay male roommate they were friends with move in with them rent-free in exchange for help with childcare; a male-female married couple who had a completely platonic male friend live with them who participated in household chores and picking up their kids from school, but also paid rent; more than one “throuple” who established a household with kids, etc. A friend of my husband’s got divorced a few years ago and at one point he and his new girlfriend were living in the same house with his kids and his ex-wife and the ex-wife’s new husband; that situation lasted for five years. One of my former bosses has lived with the man who fathered her child for 30 years without being married to him, and she has been the breadwinner for their household for most of that time, as he is an artist and craftsperson who only recently started selling enough for his income to really make a difference. He did 90% of the childcare and household work when her son was young and she had a big/busy job, and they are very happy together.
There’s not one way to have a family that works for everyone, and if the guy the OP is living with is contributing in other ways besides financially, I don’t see the point in her blowing up her life for principle’s sake. Who knows what will happen in the future, and I completely agree the OP should understand legal implications and get some paperwork in place to protect herself and her kid. But these situations can be more stable and more beneficial to everyone – even kids – than folks think.
Anon
I also am on team ‘dont kick him out’ but only for practical reasons – you currently have free, live-in, full-time support with someone you trust your baby with. You’d have to pay for that when he leaves. Still, I’d be talking to a lawyer now knowing that eventually you WILL want him out.
Finch
Peloton users-
Am looking forward to delivery next week and am seeking advice. What should I be thinking about in determining:
1. Where to put the bike? Garage? Loft (where I have my desk etc) ? My teenaged daughter will likely use it as well as DH…
2. Needed accessories? Shoes? Mat? Waterbottles?
Thank you for any tips!
Anonymous
For placement consider temperature. You’ll want it some place you can keep cool! Definitely need shoes water bottle and a mat, I just went with peloton brand.
Anonymous
Put it in a space where you actually will want to use it. If your garage is unheated/un-cooled you probably won’t enjoy that.
Shoes yes, Waterbottle (of any sort) yes, Mat yes. You don’t need the Peloton-branded stuff, just check for compatibility.
Also if it is on carpet, consider getting a piece of plywood to put under the mat, as it will make your setup way more stable.
Anonymous
Re Peloton – I wouldn’t put it by your desk if it will bother you when other people work out. You’ll need some sort of mat to go underneath it, but it doesn’t need to be the Peloton mat. All users will need cycling shoes with Delta look cleats, or you’ll need to install the foot cages, which I don’t recommend. Again, you don’t need the Peloton brand. Note that almost all cycling shoes run small and narrow. I went up to a 40 size and I wear a 38 in street shoes. it is ideal if you can try them on first, or order a few styles to try. I like bluetooth wireless headphones, because the standard bike speakers are not great.
anon
1) I would consider putting it in a place that has air flow/window or room for a small fan, don’t discount how hot you can get. Also, try to put it in a place where you can extend both your arms out horizontally to your side. I don’t have room for that on one side and it hinders a couple of the arm workouts.
2) it sounds like you didn’t get the package that included shoes and the mat. A mat is a good idea because of all of the sweat. you will definitely need shoes that clip into the peloton, which I think is a delta clip but I could be wrong. this is easily found online.
3) you don’t say whether you got the peloton original or the +, but if you want to track your heartrate you will need a monitor. The original bike does not connect directly to apple watch. However I bought a watch link for $50 and it connects my apple watch seamlessly. The + will connect to apple watch directly, and both will connect to the peloton monitor. I believe they also connect to other types of heart monitors but I don’t know which ones.
enjoy! i got mine last october and while it took me a few months to really make it part of my weekly routine, now i really look forward to it!
Anon
Don’t have a Peleton. Do have a spin bike.
Get a mat on Amazon! You need something to protect your floor from sweat.
Clip on shoes make all the difference for me, really connects me to my bike and makes the power transfer from my legs to the bike far more efficient. I got my shoes after several classes, once I realized I was going to stick with this.
Second the suggestion to make sure you have the ability to add air flow to your environment. I have a small fan on a table near my bike, And I have the ceiling fan on as well during workouts. It’s too hot in my state to consider putting the bike in the garage.
I use whatever water container Is in the house for hydration. No need to buy a fancy bottle. Currently it’s a yeti mug, that’s is on that side table with the fan.
You don’t necessarily need padded bike shorts but some type of bike short is great. I’ve been using a pair of shorts when riding and don’t like how they ride up my thoughts during workouts. Bike short styles are long enough and fitted enough to mitigate that issue.
Anonymous
I’d say put it indoors somewhere comfortable where everyone can access. Our is in the guest room/office at times because DH, me, and MIL can all go use it at different times without bothering each other.
We got minimal accessories – didn’t see a need for a mat, we just have a water bottle that goes in the holder, a heart rate monitor bc I enjoy having it for the HRZ training, and shoes, and 2 lb weights (non peloton branded) which honestly I could have done without, but now we have them and they weren’t expensive.
have fun!!! we’re 2 years into ours and still use regularly albeit not fanatically, and I really enjoy my workouts on the bike
Anonymous
If you put a rubber or waterproof mat on wood floors, make sure to air the floors out frequently. Our recent tenant covered up wood floors in the workout room and trapped moisture ruined the floor surface, necessitating replacement of that section.
Finch
Thank you for the tips. These are super helpful-especially regarding the room temp and getting shoes, and I’ll have a better set-up thanks to you all!
SpookyDonuts
Does anyone have any career coach / leadership training coach recommendations? Can be national if virtual/phone accessible or Philly based too would work.
Anonymous
Debbie Platts at JWP Coaching
Anon
Sheila Wilkinson at Coaching With Sheila
Anonymous
I will preface this by saying that I am not a lawyer, nor is my husband. I just wanted to say that because of the demographic of this site, there is often a lot of “see a lawyer” recommendations to problems. Ladies, GO SEE THE LAWYER.
I was laid off and given a package of 9 months salary. It came as a total shock/ego bruise. I was a high performer, pregnant (which they did not know but I was literally laid off during the 1:1 I’d planned to disclose, and others in my org already knew), and my job function was replaced by a mediocre 40 year old white man. My severance was based on my old job title, not my new one, and I thought I deserved 12 months. I spent 30 minutes with a lawyer, paid her $3k, and she worked lawyer magic and got me an additional 3 months of salary severance and a prorated bonus. I never had to speak to anyone in my company and the money just happened. My understanding is she sent a Sternly Worded Letter and made a call or two.
Meanwhile, my mom was laid off at 64 from a local small business and given no severance, and the company refused to pay her commissions and bonuses dating back more than 12 months prior. They also replaced her with a 25 year old (who was almost certainly paid more) It was so shady! I immediately told her to see a lawyer. Like, not even a question that they owe her the commission and bonuses *that were agreed to in writing*. She was too cheap/stubborn and instead wrote insane emails to the owner, then filed a complaint with the labor board. It is now 5 years later and she has spent easily 100 hours on this, and not seen a dime.
My brother bought a lemon of a car from a used car dealer and by all letter of the law is entitled to a refund. He was trying to do the right thing and work it out with the guy, then it didn’t work. I told him to see a lawyer. He instead went and filed a complaint through the dept of motor vehicles, which inspected the dealer, slapped the dealer with $250k in fines, ordered the dealer to make repairs to the car and re sell it to my brother. Dealer is of course instead choosing to take the case to court. This is now….24 months later? Brother is still out $15k.
Senior Attorney
Words to live by, man. Go see the lawyer.
Anonymous
So two comments on this (as a lawyer) – one, definitely do see a lawyer if you think you have a claim. We can tell you and help you and yes, get you relief more quickly in most cases. But two, not every wrong has recourse. Sometimes things in life suck and even a lawyer can’t (and shouldn’t) be able to get you money.
No Face
Thank you for posting. An attorney who works in your region in the applicable area of law has a birds-eye view of the matter that a lay person does not have.
Anon
I have three occasions where I’ve hired a lawyer and all three worked our horribly for me.
The first was terrible, handed me to a more expensive colleague who was an alcoholic who had abused the judge the week before my case. My case didn’t go well, the local newspaper covered it and I was out of pocket $12,000 I couldn’t afford.
The second one just wasted my time and the third committed fraud and I had to report them.
The answer is not always lawyers.
Anon
I just need to vent b/c cannot do so IRL.
My kids are in Activity A. Many parents share the driving to / from Activity A, but things got weird with COVID with some parents wanting their kid to drive solo (so did all of their kids driving, but no communal driving). BUT some parents never share in driving, as if they are somehow magically exempt (dude, if a single working mom of 2 can drive the one kid in Activity A to it frequently, then you, nonworking mom with local grandparents could, um, possibly drive at least your kid sometimes, if not share in the burden others’ share).
My texts are lighting up with nice caring grownups trying to figure stuff out for the good of the kids while some parents are just on my sh*t list for never showing up.
ALSO: Dude (and your SAHM and a couple of others), my kids could do a lot more activities they’d love to do if I did not ever have to be bothered with transport. Maybe I should try to live like you do.
Kg
Counting other people’s time is like counting other people’s money. It will drive you crazy and you are never operating with the full picture.
Anon
Please try not to judge people on this. You never know what’s going on with people. I have a visual disability that limits the conditions where I feel safe driving, but do drive sometimes, so this isn’t obvious to someone who doesn’t know me well. I’m not saying this is the case with the people you’re talking about, but there’s often more happening than you think, so try to have patience and try asking them to help with something else. Sadly, this is the main reason why I don’t have kids- just don’t think I could keep up with expectations for parents today while having a disability and trying to keep my job.
Senior Attorney
Agree with the above. And also, if there are other activities your kids want to do, how about going ahead and seeing if you can wrangle rides from others?
Anon
I don’t think it is unfair to ask people sharing in an activity to commit to share in it (or at least have an understanding). Maybe try a “Delta-edition refresh of Youth Widget League Parents” doodle poll so you have a fresh ask and set of expectations (if you are in a position to do that)? You may also just have some slackers (they are the worst).
Anon and annoyed
Help! I have a volunteer committee co-chair job in which I have been so nitpicked and second-guessed by a member of the committee in question that I have decided to quit the committee, though not the organization. The nitpicker/second guesser has emailed me “I am sorry if my last email offended you.” I want to reply “‘I’m sorry if my last email offended you’ is not an apology. ‘I’m sorry for repeatedly nitpicking and second guessing you in front of other people, both in person and via email,’ might be a place to start if you were interested in a real apology.”
What do you think? Should I call it out or ignore it? This person is quite dense and famous around the organization for this kind of behavior.
Anonymous
Don’t do it. It will not end well. They will not learn. You will look bad, not them. It’s unfair but true.
Anon
You can not logic or argue your way to this person turning it around. Save your breath.
Monday
+1, unfortunately. I’d just delete the email.
OP
You’re right, of course. So annoyed, though.
Flats Only
I say let fly and copy everyone and their brother. Volunteer orgs are a fun place to bring the drama! Then consider yourself an emeritus member and only show up for the fun stuff.