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Updated: Sep 17, 2021 352 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Raglan Button-Up Shirt

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This flowered, collarless blouse from J.Crew Factory would be a great option for the office or working from home. The fabric has a nice drape, and the “utility green” color would look great with just about any neutral.

For the office, I would pair this with black ankle pants and a camel sweater blazer. For home, I’d leave it untucked with my favorite pull-on skinny jeans.

The top is $39.50 and comes in sizes XXS–3X. It also comes in a black floral print.

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. C

    How much do you keep in your checking account at a given time? I like to have some “buffer” money in there, but not sure what is reasonable vs over the top.

    Single, major city, regular paycheck, monthly expenses ~$4300 including rent etc

    • Ribena

      Only what’s necessary for the balance to be greater than the sum of current credit card balances, expected spend for the rest of the month, and bills not yet paid this month. I use an Open Banking powered app, Money Dashboard, to look after this, and often transfer money backward and forward between my current account and easy-access savings multiple times a month.

    • Anonymous

      I usually keep around 28-30k. It’s too much but I need the psychological cushion of it and frankly with a 0.5% rate in my savings account it’s not like I’m losing out on much by keeping more cash very liquid.

      • Anonymous

        seriously? but what if your card gets stolen or you get held up at an atm? i once had $100k in my checking account and got incredibly sketched out at a drive-thru atm…

        • Anon

          Not who you responded to, but I keep a large amount in mine as well, and I don’t have a debit or ATM card for the account (on purpose). I have to walk in and show ID to a teller at the credit union to get money. It keeps my spending down, and my account more secure.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t have a debit card for that checking account. If they send one I shred it and never activate it. My main checking account is a clearing account for my mortgage, all bills, and my credit card payments. Instead I keep about 1-2k in a separate checking account at a different bank that I use to pull out cash and replenish as needed. If someone steals my card or holds me up at an ATM (which seems highly unlikely because the only atms I use are either in my office or on the corner of my block on bright mornings) there would be minimal losses.

        • LaurenB

          Doesn’t the ATM have a limit on how much you could take out in one day / one visit?

          • anonmi

            Yes, you can set your account to have limits like this. I did it after my ATM card (entire purse actually) was stolen and ~$2000 was charged before I could cancel the card. I’m sure ATMs have a limit for the withdrawal amount as well.

    • Anonymous

      A month’s worth of expenses in case an autopay withdrawal gets doubled or taken early or I need to write a check for emergency home repairs. It takes a few days to get money out of my savings account.

      • Ellen

        I agree with this. Dad manages my bank accounts and pays my bills for me so there is no need for me to worry about where the money is. He and Ed invest it for me also and Ed works for MerilLynch, which is a good company. I think every attorney needs a financial person like Ed and my Dad to handel their money so that they can focus on the law, which we all went to law school to do.

    • Anon

      My buffer is about $500. Paycheck after savings is approximately $1300 every 2 weeks and expenses roughly equal paycheck.

    • Anon

      We aim to keep around $25-30k but it dips down as low as $15k if we have a month with bigger expenses. This is also our emergency fund, and it’s in a money market account (functions like a checking account, but has interest rates more in line with a savings account).

    • In-House in Houston

      I get paid biweekly, so after I pay all bills & put a certain % in savings, I leave $1000 in my checking account and the rest goes into another savings account at an online bank. I use my credit card for all expenses during the 2 weeks and pay it off in full each billing cycle. so I rarely touch the $1000 in my checking account. I’m a very surprised so many responders keep such a large amount in their checking account. My checking account doesn’t earn interest, so I try to maximize and put my cash where it’ll earn something….

    • Anonymous

      About 7-8k. However, I should add that our big monthly expense don’t come out of our primary checking- I have money auto dumped into my mortgage (it’s with a bank so we have another checking account there).

      I also have another pile of cash sitting in Schwab as “overflow.” My checking account is normally not low, but if it gets low, I slide money over from the Schwab account. When the Schwab account gets fat, I move it into our brokerage acct or long term savings. I separately put money in long term savings as well.

    • Anonymous

      A couple hundred. We deliberately keep a minimal amount in checking because of identity theft problems that we are actively dealing with. Our savings account is connected and even though the interest rate is crappy right now, it’s higher than checking and money can be transferred instantly. Not going to throw away free interest money, even if it’s not that much!

      • Anon

        Same here. My husband’s PayPal account was hacked a few years ago and they took out $1000, and attempted to take out several thousand more dollars (according to what PayPal told us) over the next few days. The $1000 the hackers managed to get came straight out of his checking account, and while we were made whole within a few days, it spooked us about what could have happened if we had more money in the account and if we hadn’t caught on to what was happening right away. We don’t keep more than $250 or so in cushion in any of our checking accounts.

    • anon

      $150 (after all expenses are paid). I have free overdraft to my savings account which has ~$10k and earns a tiny bit of interest so I feel no need to keep the money in my checking account when there is no penalty for overdraft protection/transfers.

      I never use my debit card and the only time I ld have an unexpected hit to my checking account is when my farrier cashes one of the checks left at the barn. He does my horse’s feet on as as needed basis – sometimes it’s five weeks sometimes six, but at any rate, I don’t keep track so I keep the $150 for that.

      • test run

        Same, except I tend to keep about $250-350 just because every once in a while I pay for something with a check or need to venmo someone. I have my paychecks distributed so that only the amount I need to pay rent, utilities, and my credit card bill (which I use for everything) goes into my checking account and then pretty much immediately comes back out. Everything else goes to savings so there is a little bit of friction if I overspend and have to transfer from savings to checking to pay my cc bill. That usually helps me cut back on my spending the following month to balance things out.

    • Anonymous

      I keep about $100-200 in my checking account. I pay all bills with my credit card.

        • anon

          I’m the $150 anon above and yes. This is the amount kept in the account after all bills are paid for me.

    • Anon4this

      I assume this will vary greatly based on your average household expenses. We have about 25k in checking but that’s because our mortgage is 7k, our nanny is 4-5k depending on overtime, services (cleaning, yard dog walker) are 1k, utilities and food are about 3k. All bills are on auto pay and get paid from this joint checking account (including all credit card bills). And because it takes 3 business days to move money out of our savings account.

      • Anonymous

        Three business days to move money??? I’d get another bank. I just had to buy a car on short notice because mine died unexpectedly. If I hadn’t been able to move money quickly, I would’ve had a higher monthly payment than I’m comfortable with.

          • anon

            I can transfer money instantly between my checking and savings accounts and I do not use a brick and mortar bank.

          • Peloton

            I bought a car in ’15 with a check (I think? Maybe they did an ACH request?) and drove it home that day, FWIW. Paid cash in full, so maybe that’s why?

    • anon

      About $5k, and top it off again when it gets to $1k. I only use it for daily expenses. No bills or anything.

      • Anonymous

        i’m comfortable with $2k in checking. but i keep way too much in online savings ($200k currently).

    • Anonymous

      $100. I have a local bank checking account with $100 buffer, a checking account at Ally with a $100 buffer, and 10+ Ally savings accounts where payments for mortgage, student loans, car loan, utilities, etc get automatically deducted. I can also instantly transfer money from an Ally savings account to the connected Ally checking account without the need for a three-day wait.

      If I need cash for whatever reason, I use Zelle to instantly transfer the amount in the Ally checking to my local bank’s checking account to use at the ATM. If I need more than $100 cash, I transfer from Ally Savings to Ally Checking, then Zelle to my local bank checking. Sounds convoluted, but only requires like 5 clicks on the apps and can be done in 2 minutes max.

    • Anon

      Making 70k, expenses around 2k per mo, my comfort cushion is $800, the rest goes into savings or stocks.

    • Explorette

      Only enough to cover that month’s bills. The interest rate is so low on checking accounts, and I need to maximize the potential of every dollar so I can retire early :)

      • Anon

        We feel similarly and I have to say, I am surprised at some of the amounts people are talking about keeping in low- or no-interest checking accounts. I am sure these are folks that are also maxing 401ks, etc. but money is being left on the table by not moving large amounts of cash into some kind of savings vehicle that would pay out interest. Whether that’s a money market account, CDs, treasuries, Roth, backdoor Roth, etc. We make much less than some people here and if our money’s not working for us all the time, we’re compromising our future ability to retire. The vast majority of any “overage” money we have goes into retirement, including our Roth IRAs (we still income-qualify to contribute to them and likely will until we retire).

    • Anonymous

      Checking is the account linked to your debit card, right? (I’m not from the US, and checking is an alien term)

      In my debit card account, I keep the equivalent of 400-1000 dollars. I don’t want a lot of money here, just enough to do grocery shopping. I could probably reduce and do 100-600, if I did a mid-month transfer.

      I have had skimming, fraud and technical problems, and one single debit card account is a very, very bad idea. Would much rather have a second account (or more) and transfer as needed.

  2. Sarah

    I’m looking for a thin, ideally knit blanket to keep on top of my couch. Preferably colorful and <$50. All the ones I see advertise that they are "chunky" or "fuzzy" and that's not what I want. Anyone have something like this?

  3. paging poster with financially anxious spouse

    I wasn’t able to comment yesterday, but wanted to offer a suggestion. I find it’s easier to make a decision to spend money once, rather than negotiating each situation. So, maybe try proposing using 1%, or .05% of your income (a low enough amount that he will hopefully see that it’s small potatoes in your current budget, and which I gather would be in the few thousand dollar a year range given your current income) to make your lives easier, call it your “Save Time” or “The kids would rather we play instead” fund, and use it when you have these situations where you end up spending a lot of time researching/driving around for things. Each time one of these situations comes up, you can then say “Let’s just buy the easiest option that looks like it will work, take the maximum expected price difference out of the Save Time fund, and take the kids to the park for some nice family time instead”. I would be highly highly surprised if in the course of a year you end up spending your entire “Save Time” fund, which will also help him learn that all of that effort is for really not that much money. For me it’s far far easier to set aside $3000 once than have this mental debate each time it comes up, where I end up obsessing about $20. Incidentally, I also do this for charity – easier to look at the whole budget, and say “I’ll donate X thousand dollars to charity this year”, then decide on each $20 donation. And, I have a “Little Luxuries” account, for when I want, say, the fancy wool long underware instead of the cheaper stuff; rather than endless debates with myself I look at amount in the LL account and just proceed if there’s money there (there always is…my need for luxuries is not actually so great). Good luck!

    • Ribena

      The other thing that I thought about was the Lazy Genius principles – can you set a household rule of only ever checking two retailers, for example? Eg I always buy the same running shoes, and then it’s just a question of checking two different sports shoe retailers online and buying them at whichever is cheaper.

      • Anonymous

        I think these types of rules work for rational people who just want to be sure they are getting the best deal. Someone like yesterday’s OP’s husband, who is willing to drive all over to find out if they can save a couple of dollars, has deep-seated anxiety about financial security that is not rational.

        • Ribena

          I don’t know – I’m also given to spending hours and hours cross referencing and researching this kind of stuff. Having rules about it works for me. It’s probably coming from a different brain place (a constant need to over research rather than money anxiety) though, you’re right.

          • Anonymous

            Exactly–for you it isn’t about anxiety. You are probably a maximizer who just wants to be sure you are making the best possible choice. A rule that gives you an endpoint after which you can (or must) cut off research is effective. OP’s husband sounds like he is terrified the family will run out of money, which is a whole different problem.

            Source: Maximizer and over-researcher married to someone with deep-seated and irrational financial anxiety

      • Cat

        The other argument I have here is the “penny wise pound foolish” – how much gas is husband going through to save 10 cents on bananas or 2 dollars on shoes? Probably more than the savings are…

        • Anonymous

          I actually think the fact that the husband is willing to waste gas to save a few dollars on shoes (or the other one trying to save 10 cents on bananas) is a huge clue that this is an irrational anxiety issue. If a rational argument would change the husband’s behavior, he would have already figured it out for himself.

          • Anon

            Unfortunately I’ve seen people who were actually in serious financial trouble miss hidden costs like gas before. It’s still irrational, but I think it’s less of an individual issue and more of a strong societal message that if money is tight, you need to be frugal (even if that means saving 10 cents on bananas) and work hard for it not to be your fault somehow.

      • Anonymous

        Since you’re In the UK, Ribena – I’m assuming you’re using Idealo if you want a specific item? I love that place for finding where I can get the thing I want for the best price.

  4. Anon

    Best Steelcase office chair? Le, Gesture, other? Please give your recommendation and open to tips on others….thanks!

    • Anon

      I bought the Steelcase Leap 2 based on a recommendation from this site. It is great—the arm rests that adjust in all directions, including making them more narrow, has been a game changer for me as I am petite so standard size chairs were always problematic without this feature.

    • Anon

      I have the leap v1 that i bought in 2020 and I have no regrets — it’s the only office chair I’ve ever had where I consistently sit in it the way a person is supposed to sit in it. I’m 5’ 4” if that’s helpful.

    • Steelcase

      I tried the Leap and Gesture based on recommendations here (after trying several Herman Miller chairs without success). The Leap arms were still just a little off for me but the Gesture is amazing. The arms felt much more substantial and customizable than the ones on the Leap. It is obscenely expensively and worth every penny. I could not be happier with it. The sales guy told me very small people tend to buy the Gesture, FWIW.

  5. ISO Kybella reviews

    Does anyone have any experience with Kybella? Would you recommend it?

  6. Anon

    Does any tech company or law firm use data to study attrition rate around employee-supervisors to identify specific bad apples? For example, data can be used to spot employees whose women or WOC subordinates have unusually high rates of attrition. It just seems like such an obvious and easy thing to do. If I ran a company, I would want to identify such individuals, and require them to go through implicit bias training, and make sure that their annual evaluation and bonus structure take this into account. At my firm, there are two partners who are particularly hard on WOCs. Every WOC who started worked with them would leave the firm shortly afterwards, despite stellar reputations prior to working with them. But the firm is just oblivious to this, and keeps staffing WOCs to work with them. It’s just really frustrating seeing another WOC getting thrown under the bus like this.

    • Anon

      “I would want to identify such individuals, and require them to go through implicit bias training,”

      Good grief. You don’t give them implicit bias training (which has been shown to not work); you manage them out because they are destroying the careers of talented individuals who contributed to your company. I have never understood the corporate obsession with “training” as a solution to handling people whose problems are that they are complete a-holes and will push every boundary imaginable. Those people exist; you get rid of them.

      If these are law firm partners, you’re SOL in terms of managing them out; however, you *can* manage out younger versions of them before they ever become partner.

      • Anon

        The problem is law firms don’t care about people like this, as long as they bring in clients.

        • Cat

          Yup. Follow the money, unfortunately. Partners with a healthy book don’t get managed out….. they might get a quiet “talking to.”

          Client pressure can help, like I know we monitor the firms we use for overall diversity as well as which partners and associates actually work on our matters.

          • Anon

            FWIW, firms that demand DEI info from their work partners often push them into rate structures where the longer you are on it, the worse you are paid relative to rack rates. That is the worst possible outcome from a DEI perspective to the extent that there are women and POC actually doing your company’s work. If you can effect change on this, I beg you to look at the actual math and consider whether you are doing anyone any favors with how your org chooses to reward people doing good work for it.

        • pugsnbourbon

          And it’s not just law firms, either. Rules are different for moneymakers.

        • Anon

          Agree, which is why it’s best to manage them out before they move up enough in their careers to be valuable. A horribly sexist second-year associate isn’t bringing in clients YET, and should be kicked to the curb before he does.

      • Anonymous

        +1. We have got to stop relying on those trainings. They don’t work and some evidence shows that they backfire badly and make people MORE racist. Anecdotally, that’s exactly what happened with the racist employee at our office. You need to manage people to be better or manage them out. There need to be clear expectations for behavior, for starters.

        • Anon

          +1

          The trainings are CYA; they’re so that somebody can document “we told him not to do that” if he ever gets in real trouble later on. They’re not for actually solving a problem.

        • Anon

          +2 from someone who consults about this issue with companies. D&I trainings do very little. They’re a check-the-box activity for most, and for people who hold prejudices they are worse than useless, as someone else said. If someone has significant biases towards women, POCs, etc. a company is not going to train, counsel, or coach the person out of that. Awareness is not the problem; at this point racist/sexist/homophobic etc. people are aware that their beliefs are not palatable to others. The company’s leadership has a responsibility to protect their employees from other employees who have prejudicial beliefs. The best way to protect a workforce from a prejudiced person and their deleterious biases is to get that person out of the company.

          Absolutely there should be metrics and measurement about how well a manager is managing direct reports and assessment of that should be baked into performance evaluations for managers. Unfortunately, way too many companies still operate under the belief that as long as someone is producing results/money, how they treat other people is irrelevant. There are still many companies using performance management systems that don’t include an assessment point for managers specifically related to how they manage, develop and retain direct reports.

          • anon

            catching up as usual, and I do agree, but the cynic says metrics would open companies to liability so they would never do it. I would settle with just changing the name human resources to corporate resources for one since that’s the focus.

      • Anon

        I get that law firms might not be incentivized to do so, but is there any tech company that is even conducting this type of analysis? What with the amount of data analysis that tech companies deploy to study customer behavior, you’d think they can easily do the same to root out bad apple employee-supervisors.

    • Anon

      A firm I worked for did this. Finance firm with thousands of employees. When I worked there it was in very early stages so they weren’t yet incorporating into feedback, hiring, promotion decisions but they were definitely collecting the data.

    • anon

      The Title IX officer in my govt org says that she does this (finding repeat offenders through heat maps), but I have been mostly disappointed by the title IX cases that I’ve had some insight into.

    • anon

      The cynic in me says my employer would never do this because then they would have to make real changes instead of puff out their chests and tout all of the DEI work and training they do (which don’t to jack $hit IMO/IME), so no, companies definitely do not do this. (I work for a $15bn MN FWIW)

    • Anon

      I think that “training” is a CYA for the company, not an actual solution for an actual problem. It’s like FCPA work — everyone knows that there is corruption. But if you do enough training, the employees are the ones with the problem, not the company itself.

    • Anonymous

      I agree with anon at 11:23. If you are a client, the best way to support diversity in your outside counsel is to pay them rack rates. Clients that demand aggressive discounts for their outside counsel while also demanding diversity in their staffing are basically devaluing the work of their lawyers and it has a detrimental effect. Money speaks.

    • Anon

      Trainings don’t work. I worked in HR at a retirement home that hired a new controller. He had put on his resume all these trainings he went to; I thought “uh-oh,” but no one asked my opinion. He antoganized everyone in Accounting and lasted six months.

  7. Anonymous

    I hate flying. I don’t feel particularly anxious about it, more that the entire experience from beginning to end is extremely uncomfortable to the point that I have a hard time getting caught up in much else. In an ideal world I would take advantage of time waiting for a flight and on the plane to catch up on some work or something. In reality, I’m tense with all the hurry up and wait before takeoff and so uncomfortable during the flight that I’m not able to do much else and the whole thing feels like a giant, endless slog. Those of you who enjoy or at least don’t mind flying, what do you enjoy about it, or do you have any tips to be a bit more zen about the entire process?

    • Anonymous

      I love flying! I like to arrive to the airport early so I don’t have to stress, wander all the stores, buy a book, a magazine, candy, and a water, and grab a chair and chill. On the flight I read or watch movies. I never bother trying to work if I can possibly avoid it.

      • anon

        I love flying too! I mostly enjoy the whole experience as well. I like to get to the airport early (more early than recommended), so I never stress about security lines. I also greatly enjoy people watching and airports are a great place to do that. It’s also yet another time for me to listen to the MANY MANY podcasts I love. Even on work trips, I never tried to work while traveling. Eff that. I can work when I get there. I always make sure to download pods and/or books, or bring a hard copy book with me to keep me entertained when I am not zoning out in observation land. I also “treat” myself to junk food or something local in the airport that I can’t get at home when traveling, so that’s fun. I also never check a bag so I don’t have to worry about my luggage getting lost or not having something with me during flight that I want/need.

        The other thing I love is just the idea of flying. I listen to podcasts about plane crashes because I find it fascinating and because it also shows how the industry gets safer with every incident through addiitonal regulations, training, etc. I was never afraid to fly, but the additional knowledge I have now via the podcasts makes flying more interesting for me. Oh and I also work for a company that makes stuff which is on almost every commercial (and many military) planes in the sky. I love thinking about our products on the plane and trying to catalog in my head what all we have sold to the particular aircraft manufacturer when I am flying. #nerdalert

        To be more zen, have you tried CBD?!

    • Cat

      I like it, but it’s 150% better if you have the budget to get a credit card that gives you lounge access. I also stock up on TV shows or movies (downloaded so can watch in air) to my iPad and new books on my Kindle.

    • Flats Only

      Keeping in mind that flying these days is really not much fun – the hurry up and wait tension has been exacerbated by various systemic problems in the airlines and travel industry, so my comments are really aimed at pre-2020 style travel, which will hopefully make a comeback over the next year or so.

      Get to the airport early. Like in the terminal and maybe through security 2 hours before your flight time, which will give you more than an hour before boarding beings. This way you won’t have to panic if there’s a line at the ladies room.

      People watching. The airport has the best people watching anywhere. Chill out and enjoy the passing parade!

      Comfort and efficiency: A comfy (but presentable) outfit, and minimal carryon luggage. Check that bag! Or at least gate check your rollaboard so you don’t have to lug it around the terminal. Feeling unencumbered by baggage and bad clothing choices will give you a tremendous sense of freedom and control.

    • Anonymous

      I have analyzed what makes me stressed out and worked on fixes. Stress packing led to me keeping a kit of toiletries always packed. Clothing getting ruined led to me wearing my oldest things on travel days. Etc.

    • Anon

      I don’t try to be productive and have a hard time reading on planes, so I just watch movies or tv shows. I don’t love flying but it’s less of a pain when I don’t put pressure on myself to do anything.

      • Anon

        I don’t try to be productive and have a hard time reading on planes, so I just watch movies or tv shows. I don’t love flying but it’s less of a pain when I don’t put pressure on myself to do anything.

    • Anon

      I don’t enjoy it in Covid times because I have an uvaxxed kid and am worried about her getting infected. But in normal times, I love it. I always have. I flew a lot as a kid with my family – I don’t know if that’s a factor. I just love the sense of heading out on an adventure (or heading home after an adventure), being up in the air and seeing the world from 35,000 feet, and now that I’m a mom I appreciate the peace and quiet to read or listen to music. I don’t pay for lounge access but I usually have status on an airline, so I get better seats, early boarding, free checked bag, etc. and it does make the experience better. TSA Precheck and Global Entry are essential for making the airport experience smooth.

    • Anon

      I throw money at it – get Clear, TSApre/Global Entry, pay or upgrade for early boarding/leg room/cabin upgrades, leave a lot of time to get there, I map out what’s in the terminals for a travel treat food to pick up, load up my iPad with movies and TV shows, have luggage I love, and I make my own “first class” carry on bag of goodies, with things like breath mints, socks, lip balm, hand cream, etc.

      • Anon

        This. I haven’t flown in a while because it’s expensive to make it comfortable. The coach experience is a flying bus ride. If you want an experience somewhat reminiscent of the golden age of flight (who wouldn’t??) it’s going to cost you. That said, prices for that level of service have tracked pretty well with inflation. Flying used to suck a lot less because it WASN’T something everyone did.

    • Anon

      I really enjoy my view from the window seat. I don’t expect myself to be productive on flights, so I like feeling as though anything I do get done is a bonus. I like asking for bloody mary mix or tomato juice as a treat (since I never drink those otherwise). Sometimes I’ll bring a magazine or catalog to look at, which again is not something I ever do or even enjoy otherwise. I usually read the silly in-flight magazine too. I like reading about my destination even if I’m not going to do any touristy things there.

      I do not enjoy any aspect of the security process (which I think is unnecessarily demeaning, inefficient, and exposes people to security risks anyway), the filthy smell of most planes, usually blacking out from low air pressure, feeling uncomfortable in the compression garments I use to help avoid actually fainting and hopefully help avoid blood clots, or how cramped I typically feel despite being barely taller than 5′.

        • Anon

          There’s also an intermittent reward phenomenon when sometimes I get the whole can and just not half. I think anything salty tastes amazing on flights really!

      • Pompom

        Haha I love tomato juice on airplanes!

        True fact: I literally just finished one of those tiny 5.5fl oz cans of tomato juice at my desk! I keep them around to have when my stomach is a little weird, but I have no appetite (both thanks to a medication).

    • Anonymous

      Follow-up question, those of you who don’t mind flying would you say you’re on the smaller or more petite side? I’m 5’8 and a size 12 and find the seats wildly uncomfortable. I’m squished from both sides and my knees hit the chair in front of me before the person lowers it back. In addition to the other annoyances (smells, noise, extremely limited movement for hours on end), I hate it.

      • Cat

        I’m short and don’t mind regular seats for short (~3 hour or less) but for longer I splurge on Main Cabin Extra (AA speak, I forget what the other airlines call it but it’s anywhere from $25-$100 one way, depending on demand and itinerary, to get 6 more inches of legroom and a seat up front) or pay for the early Southwest boarding to nab a bulkhead or exit row seat.

      • Anonymous

        No I’m a size 16! If available I always spring for Economy Plus or the equivalent for a bit of extra legroom.

      • Anon

        I’m 5’10” and a size 12 and I hate regular coach for those reasons, but I use points or pay to upgrade pretty much always (save for the random cancellation or standby with no control) and that solves it.

      • Anon

        I’m 5’11” and size 12 and I love flying. On domestic flights, I’m usually in premium economy with extra leg room though and even on international flights I can often get a bulkhead seat with more legroom. I get occasional first class domestic upgrades but the free food (in normal times) and better service is worth way more to me than the legroom. I barely notice a difference between first and premium economy in terms of legroom. I never feel squeezed from the sides. I always sit in the window seat.

      • anon

        Yes, I am a very small human (5’4” size 0) and I am as aware as I can be outside of experiencing it that flying is not physically comfortable for many people and of course that makes it less pleasant.

      • Anon

        I’m average, but agree that coach seats and configurations are designed for children and averaged-sized women who are not especially tall.

      • Anonymous

        I am 5’6″ and a size 2 and still find flying uncomfortable. The seats are barely wide enough to fit my own shoulders, and the people next to me invariably try to claim some of my seatback for themselves, along with sticking their elbows over the armrests and putting their legs and feet in front of my seat in what is supposed to be my leg room. I don’t like to be touched by strangers, so I inevitably end up squidging away, which just allows them to claim more of my space. There needs to be a regulation requiring the seats to be large enough to fit an average- or above-average sized person without spillover.

        And oh, the smells. Take a shower and brush your teeth before getting on an airplane, folks.

      • Anon

        I find it very uncomfortable specifically because I am short. My legs swing like a child’s. Proper ergonomics would call for me bringing a foot stool, which is of course not realistic.

      • Anon

        Smells! Noise! Being bumped! I’m 5’6 and a size 8 and hate it too.

        Please don’t wear perfume on a plane or perfumed hand sanitiser. The combination of all the artificial fragrances in an enclosed space makes me headachy and gives me blurred vision.

    • Anon

      Thanks for asking this question, as I just got back from a business trip and realized that while I am not afraid of flying, I hate the entire process. All of it, from the time I leave my house till the time I reach my destination.

      One coping mechanism I have come up with is that I have a good pair of Bose earbuds that pretty much block out all ambient noise. I put them in and turn on a podcast when I get to the gate, and leave it on until I land at my destination. I take one earbud out when we get close to boarding, departure and landing just so I don’t miss announcements, but the rest of the time I can stay in this kind of aural bubble and not have to focus on noise in the airport, plane noise, annoying people talking or playing videos on the plane, etc.

    • Anon

      I travelled A LOT for work pre-pandemic and do enjoy it (don’t mind flying, etc) but I also am experienced and think anytime you do something only occasionally you have to ‘think’ about it more. I also can’t handle traveling with lots of luggage, or without my bose headphones. I basically travel with a backpack and in silence, which makes the whole thing much more pleasant :)

    • Anonymous

      I hate the flying experience ten times more with my family than when I’m alone. If I’m alone, I can just grit my teeth and go with the flow. If I have my spouse along, I have to deal with “where are we going? how do we get there? what do you mean we have to ride a train? oh, no, we’re not two hours early so we are going to miss our flight!” and on and on. It’s also much harder to find standby seats for multiple people when your flight is delayed or cancelled, and I once even had a gate agent rescind an offer of standby seats when she saw that we were traveling with a 10-year-old (exit rows were not involved, and kid is extremely well behaved).

      • Anonymous

        That stinks that they discriminated against your kid that way, I would have complained to the airline’s customer service once you got home.

        On my last trip to Hawaii, I had to turn down a first class upgrade (on a 10 hour flight with the fancy seats that convert into layflat beds) because I was with my child and they only had one seat left. The airline didn’t do anything wrong, I obviously couldn’t take the upgrade and leave my kid in coach, but maaaaaan that one hurt. I joke in earnest that it was a bigger sacrifice than pregnancy + childbirth.

      • Anon

        It’s a FAA regulation that has nothing to do with behavior or child discrimination – those in exit rows are supposed to be physically capable of helping people in case of emergency.

    • roxie

      I legitimately love flying, but really only flying alone.
      No one bothers me. I get to think without interruption, read or listen to podcasts, reflect on life. I give myself permission to read easy fun romance novels, never any serious literature. I even find myself, when needed, getting really good targeted work done because normally my schedule is interrupted with nonstop zooms. Being on a plane can mean 3 hours of uninterrupted time to just work. What a treasure.

    • LOVE flying

      I LOVE flying!

      I love being in transit, suspended between what has been and on the way to adventures (or work or whatever), separate from ordinary life, soaring above the earth in ways people in other times could never have dreamed to do.

      I always get a window seat, and I look down on the earth and imagine what everybody’s doing. If I’m on the ground, looking up at a plane, I’m wondering where everybody’s going and if they’ll have fun.

      I love bobbing on the air, like in a boat just thousands of feet in the air. I also love travelling by train, and bus, and ferry, and tube – I love being. a passenger.

      I love airports, and all the potential and hope and bustle and life of lots of people 100 percent uninterested in me.
      I prefer travelling comfortably, because I can afford it, but I loved it just as much when I couldn’t choose to have lounge access, or fast track security, or picking my own seat.

      I don’t mind several legs or layovers.

      In terms of tips:

      Use the time to just be. Don’t work, or be efficient. Accept that you’re in transit.

      Get the best noise-cancelling headphones that you can afford. Especially important for puddle-jumper propeller planes.

      Get a window seat. Or not, if you have very long legs you need to stretch.

      Get premium economy or similar or better for long-haul, if you can afford it.

      Get an inflatable neck-thing with flat back for sleeping in tight places. Put a bag or backpack under the footrest for a shelf to put your feet on if you’re short.

      Bring a pashmina shawl.

      Don’t read, but bring a book to hold in your hands to signal to neighbor that you do not talk, if you don’t have headphones. Don’t make small talk if you don’t want (I’m sorry, Americans!).

      Smile, greet, thank and be super, super pleasant to all staff. There are lots of goodwill payback. Pay attention to the security briefing.

      Join all the loyalty programs, but prioritize one for points.

      Remember, that in a plane seat, in a gate waiting line, in the airpoort loos, in the passport queue, while you’re fiddling with your mask or sanitizing the seat table – it is enough to be. You don’t need anything extra. AIr travel is amazingly weird and a combination of fantastic and annoying. In your seat, you can just be. Everything else can wait. You’re in transit.

      Have a drink, if you want. I propose a toast to Amelia Earhart.

      • Anon

        You might enjoy the book Great Circle, about a fictional Amelia Earhart-like aviator. I’m reading it now and love it. I cosign all you wrote about flying.

  8. FormerlyPhilly

    What phrases are you using in an office setting around mask wearing? I expect some “use your words” responses, and that’s what I need help with…. what those words should be.

    Been back in office 2 days a week since early August. Our admin doesn’t wear a mask in the office all day long and being masked indoors is our workplace’s requirement unless you have an office with a door (admin does not). Admin doesn’t report to me, or do any work for my role directly. I totally understand that masking all is uncomfortable.

    Our suite has four offices (with doors) and the admin sits in an open office area. I stay in my office with the door shut for pretty much the entire day. Admin entered my office (when I was out for a 20 minute power walk around the building) supervising the IT person installing a new printer. I arrived back and my door was open, admin unmasked inside, and they told me they moved my desk because “your cord should be on this side of your desk”.

    Admin also periodically knocks on my door, opens it, and pokes head in unmasked to talk to me. I don’t like that either.

    … now what do I say? Do I email them? Do I go to their boss?

    What I want: (1) don’t enter my office without a mask (2) when I’m in the office that day, wear the mask.

    Am I being unreasonable?

    • Anonymous

      “Please put your mask on.”

      Idk how you’d even contemplate going to their boss without simply asking. No do not send an email. Speak to your admin like a person.

    • Anon

      I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, especially since she’s violating your employer’s official policy. I would ask her once to please wear a mask in accordance with corporate policy (emphasizing that she is especially not permitted to be in your private office maskless) and if she still is ignoring it, report her.

    • X

      It doesn’t seem like #2 has come up. But you can absolutely say “please wear a mask whenever you come into my office, even when I’m not there or you’re just coming in for a few minutes

      • anon

        +1 I like this wording even though the non-mask in the office wouldn’t bother me. She’s gonna roll her eyes hard at you but if it’s in line with your office policies, you can absolutely enforce that in your space.

    • Anon

      Use your words. Just ask in a nice manner “Would you mind wearing a mask?” It doesn’t have to be a big thing.

      • Anon

        Would you mind following corporate policy that I know you know about but are deliberately flouting? Why be so wet about it?

    • Walnut

      Have you asked her? Can you also signal by putting on your own mask when she enters your office or you exit yours? Can you have a box of disposables by the door to gesture toward when you ask if she can pop a mask on quick?

    • Anonymous

      Yes, you have to use your words. There isn’t some magical way to not. “Hey Susan, please put your mask on before coming towards my office.” Involve her supervisor if needed.

      That being said, part of the reason I hate forced return to the office is because it makes women into the office nags again.

    • Anon

      “Please comply with office policy and wear your mask when in common areas and when you come into my office.”

    • Walnut

      Also, maybe I’m reading into this, but you should like you’re a bit b!tch eating crackers with the admin. I would be careful not to conflate the mask issue with any other complaints you might have (like your desk being moved to accommodate a cord or the admin popping in despite a closed door and breaking a good train of thought.)

      • FormerlyPhilly

        OP here. No, the annoyance is because of distinct issues (1) don’t touch stuff in my office because it’s not your office and why do you care if my cord is how it is (“you’re not my mom and even my mom wouldn’t do that because i’m a growna$$ professional”) and (2) I have a reasonable expectation to safety in the workplace based on what the workplace requirements are.
        I totally get your point though.

    • Anonymous

      Send her one of those videos that shows how breath fills the room and air particles linger and then ask her to please wear a mask. if you have a window i’d also keep it open or make a Corsi box.

    • Melly Welly

      I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but you do come across as overly perturbed. I wouldn’t assume negative attentions in any of these things, especially the IT one. Two things:

      1) On the mask issue, just nonchalantly ask her. Use your words. Don’t send an e-mail, don’t escalate to her boss. Just say “Hey Jane, I prefer than anyone who enter my office wear a mask. Do you mind wearing a mask if you peek your head in or walk into my office? It would give me great peace of mind and I would appreciate it!”

      2) On the IT/printer issue–she probably escorted the IT guy b/c she can’t just let random(ish) folks into offices unescorted. So I suspect she was just doing her job and following office policy. If you want to oversee IT stuff personally, let her know your preference “hey there, do you mind calling my cell if the IT person comes by next time? I like to personally be here for that kind of stuff.” But in a lot of orgs, the IT guy comes when the IT guy comes. It’s like the office equivalent of waiting for your cable person–you’re at their mercy. On the cord issue, it sounds like you can request a longer cord, or just deal with the fact that moving things was the only way to make the setup work.

      I hope things improve!

    • Anonymous

      I’m in Texas where we can’t require masks. I have a seating area outside my office and there a basket with masks on the coffee table. I had had people arrive for a meeting or to work on my computer and my practice is to nicely ask people to wear a mask. People always comply, granted I have a VP position.

    • Anon 2.0

      I understand where you are coming from, but I can also see this from the admit perspective. Sure, it is reasonable to ask her to wear her mask in your office. But if everyone else has a private office where they can breathe normally and she is expected to mask al day long, that seems like a problem. Masking all day long is extraordinarily uncomfortable and I know I would personally struggle greatly with this.

  9. anon

    My dad has to have bypass surgery on his heart urgently. He’s always been super healthy besides hereditary coronary artery disease and I have every reason to believe that everything will be fine, but we’ve always been close and it is really stressing me out. I’ve read a lot about the procedure, talked to his doctors, and really everything should be fine and he should get back to his vigorous physical activity soon and +/- good as new, as much as anyone is in their mid 70s. I think I am also struggling with my personal control issues. it feels like both of us have taken every single precaution to avoid heart disease (like, literally perfect diet, exercise, never smoke, never drink etc etc) and it just feels like that should have helped him totally avoid this, and i wonder what that means for me. I know that’s not really a reasonable expectation in life (I’m not that young or naive), but it just makes me feel powerless.

    No idea what I’m looking for here. i just feel like I’m blowing this out of proportion and need to chill, but can’t will myself to feel that way.

    • Anonymous

      It is heart surgery!! It is a huge deal to your father and to you. You are not blowing it out of proportion. It is okay to have big messy feelings about this, it’s a big scary upsetting thing!

    • Anon

      Your dad is having major surgery. You’re not blowing anything out of proportion. I hope everything goes well with the surgery and your dad makes a fast recovery.

    • Anonymous

      I hope your father does well in surgery. It can be a hard lesson to learn that being slim and active doesn’t prevent major health problems. That’s been a tough realization for many people in my life – and often a very humbling one.

      If the thoughts become very hard to deal with or intrusive, therapy can be helpful. But I hope that everything goes great. Being there for your dad is the most important thing and you are!

    • anonshmanon

      Sorry, this is just a tough one, anyone in your place would worry and be scared. Sending hugs!

    • Anon

      You can’t control life. My dad had major heart surgery a couple of years ago and heart issues run in my family. It’s a scary surgery but he odds today of a full recovery are really high. Your comment on perfect diet, no drinking etc. just made me sad. If you enjoy a cocktail or a rich meal, don’t let fear of a health issue get in the way of enjoying life. I’m not saying ignore health generally, just everything in moderation. This may be what you face someday, but it won’t be because you didn’t do things perfectly.

      • Anon

        +1 plus there’s evidence that low to moderate drinking lowers the risk of heart disease. I know alcohol is overall not a good thing for health, since it increases your risk of cancer and other illnesses, but if your primary goal is lowering your risk of heart disease abstaining from alcohol is unnecessary.

    • Anon

      If you need something to take control over, take control of your own heart health. CAD is so hereditary and it impacts women differently than men. As with many medical things, it’s often overlooked in youngish, otherwise healthy women.
      If you haven’t already, take an CPR/AED course so you know what to do if someone near you has a sudden cardiac arrest. Hopefully you’ll never need it, but better to be prepared. A friend had a similar hereditary risk as you, but never put all her family pieces together until she had an SCA. As luck had it, she was out for a run with a friend who is a nurse and was very near a hospital, so after CPR, a shock and later surgery, recovered completely. Her advice since has been to learn your family history, insist providers take you seriously and take a CPR/AED class so you can help others should the need arise.
      I hope your dad has a successful surgery and uneventful recovery.

    • anon

      On the flip side, the fact that he was able to prevent hereditary heart issues until his 70s actually DOES speak very well for his diet and exercise over the years. It’s still major surgery and you’re not wrong for being scared, but there is a lot going in his favor. Importantly, he has already established the habits he’ll need to maintain post-surgery.

      • anon OP

        This is totally true. he actually did have a SCA like 15 years ago and wasn’t expected to make it, and was definitely expected to wake up with major deficits if he did at all, and he’s fully recovered and lived a normal life. In this particular case, he just has 1 blockage that they can’t treat with a stent b/c of location. so there is a LOT of reason to look on the bright side and feel fortunate and optimistic, which is how he feels about it. I know I should too. We both have been enormously fortunate and I really think I am overworrying and having too many control issues. I am in therapy for this btw.

        • anon

          Hey, it’s OK to be struggling with this. Major surgery is a big deal and frightening, especially when it involves parents! I hope it didn’t seem like I was minimizing your feelings. I have witnessed the ups and downs of hereditary heart disease with my ILs, and lifestyle choices definitely did not help matters. Hang in there. I’m rooting for your dad.

          • anon OP

            No, not minimizing my feelings at all! thank you for your thoughts and well wishes!

        • Cat

          My grandma lived (and lives) a very healthy life too, and her reaction when she developed breast cancer in her 80’s was one of anger — like “I did everything right, why did this happen???” and I think she’s still not over it! I’m glad you’re working through these issues with therapy, and best wishes for your dad’s recovery.

      • No Face

        I came to say this!

        My mother’s side is riddled with heart problems. If you live a healthy lifestyle, the major surgeries come in your 70s/80s. If you don’t, they come in your 40s/50s. I am in my 30s and see a cardiologist already. I am hoping with my lifestyle I can avoid a heart attack or major heart surgery until my 70s.

        • anon OP

          I’m in my 30s as well- do you have any risk factors that led you to start seeing a cardiologist now, or is it totally preventative? I’ve been thinking about seeing a cardiologist to manage risk, but I don’t otherwise have any risk factors other than family history (my dad didn’t either until is SCA, and even now has literally no outwardly visible signs of disease, like shortness of breath, high blood pressure, cholesterol etc etc etc) so I’m not sure how to approach.

    • Anonymous

      As someone who’s active, thin, eats well, and has relatively good genetics, but yet was diagnosed in my 30s with cancer, I will tell you that sometimes things just happen and it is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow that we do not have as much control over our bodies and our health as we’ve always been lead to believe. I think all you can do is your best, but don’t let it get in the way of living life.

      As was said above, your dad’s good habits will help him immeasurably in recovery from surgery and getting back to living his best life. Sending well wishes to all of you.

      • Anonymous

        It’s the prosperity gospel at work. If you are deserving, health, wealth and happiness will automatically flow to you. If you aren’t rich and healthy, it must be the result of some sin or other fault on your part. This is why we don’t have a strong social safety net, why we used to allow health insurance to exclude pre-existing conditions, etc.

      • Anon

        It is absolutely a bitter pill. My husband has lost three friends in the last two years to cancer, Covid (before the vaccines came out) and cancer, respectively. They were all healthy, active guys who prioritized their health and made good choices.

        Food for thought: if we tell everyone that every negative health outcome is their own fault, and never look at things like environmental factors, cultural practices, genetics, etc., then we can justify not implementing universal health care because there’s a built-in excuse of “well, those people should have taken better care of themselves.” Tell that to my husband’s friend who was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer at age 45; he had never smoked (anything, not even weed in college) and ran 30 miles a week. We have many people here who have been diagnosed with serious illnesses they could not have prevented. But if we all continue to buy into the narrative that our health outcomes are 100% under our own control, the government, industry, society, etc. is absolved of the responsibility to clean up the environment, offer universal healthcare, provide healthy and uncontaminated food, workplaces and public spaces, etc.

    • anon

      Best of luck to your dad! The fact that he’s so healthy should really help him in his recovery!
      If I can…related to the aspect of “but he did everything right, how did this still happen?”… My mom really struggled with this when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had done everything “right”, took great pride in being so healthy, and realizing that she still got breast cancer really really threw her for a loop. And as her daughter….I think that’s one of the best things that ever happened to her. (She did recover well from the breast cancer, fyi, and 10 years later is doing great). It led her to become more compassionate and understanding of the randomness of life. My own life had had several random hard things happen in my 20’s, and I always felt that my mom at some level thought that if I’d just made better choices they could have been avoided (even though one of the worst mistakes was marrying the guy she really liked, who, oops, turned out to be abusive!). The cancer was her wakeup call that random stuff happens sometimes, and that everyone is deserving of compassion. Now I think of it as…all the good choices we make (to invest in our health, our community, to be financially responsible) don’t prevent bad things, but, they give us more options and paths forward when the bad things do happen.

      Sorry for the slightly off topic comment, but this just really made me think about things again. For today, focus on what you can control….your dad can feel your love and support, you can ensure he gets good medical care and advocate with his doctors and nurses, and you can help him follow his recovery instructions well. He is lucky to have such a loving daughter!

      • Anon

        Agreed, doing “everything right” is no guarantee of anything in health or otherwise. It’s a fiction we tell ourselves.

        • Anon

          Not only is it a fiction, it’s a fiction with real consequences for people with disabilities and chronic illnesses. It’s used to justify our terrible health care system and lack of support for people. I don’t want to totally take over OP’s thread- best wishes to her and her dad- but it’s really important to remember that you only have so much control over your health and bad things happen to good people all the time. We should do our best to create a society where those bad things don’t have to destroy people’s lives because of a misguided idea that they deserved it.

          • Anonymous

            God, so much this. No disrespect to the OP either, but as someone with a family member with a chronic degenerative illness he couldn’t prevent or treat (at least with current science), the “I did everything right!” language makes me cringe every time.

          • Anonymous

            Yes, this. It’s such an alienating narrative for people who are diagnosed with illnesses. The first question people ask is what you’ve done to bring this upon yourself. Uh, nothing? Just bad luck a lot of the time.

    • Anon

      This is really major. Take a deep breath. My mother had bypass surgery when she was 68 and lived 20 active, healthy, independent years before her death at 88 (unrelated to heart issues), and the surgical techniques and recovery protocols are undoubtedly much better now than they were 25 years ago. Sending you and your dad wishes for an effective surgery and good recovery.

      • Ribena

        I have a similar story – my grandad had a quadruple bypass in his 70s and lived to be 90, eventually dying just of old age really. I got to get to know him as a teenager and adult because of that bypass, for which I am eternally grateful (he was my only surviving grandparent for about 13 years)

    • eertmeert

      Your family is so so lucky that he lived to get the surgery. My dad’s heart hereditary coronary arterty disease went undiagnosed and he passed of a sudden and fatal heart attack. We were blindsided, and would have gladly taken the risk of a major surgery to add more years with him. He lived a generally healthy life and got super unlucky. After my dad’s death my aunt went to the doctor and they immediately booked her surgery because her heart disease was super advanced. She is doing great today.

      Not saying this to shame your feelings, but to hopefully add a dimension of luck to your awful situation. I wish you and your family many years of love, laughter and adventure with your dad. Will be thinking of you.

  10. Office Return

    My office is scheduled to return a minimum of 3 days a week starting next week. What face mask is everyone wearing these days? I want to buy a few more fabric / washable ones now that I’ll be wearing them more often.

    • anon

      I’ve switched to disposable. I hate the waste, but if I have to wear a mask all day, the disposable ones are simply more comfortable and breathable.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t wear anything cloth for a high-risk situation like the office. Experts are recommending surgical or better.

      • Anon

        She didn’t say what her setup is, but if she has a private office with a door, I don’t think that’s a high risk situation at all.

      • Anonymous

        Surgical masks don’t fit many women’s faces, though. If you have huge gaps on the sides they are pretty much useless. I have to wear a properly fitted cloth mask with a filter insert or over a surgical mask. No, the “hack” where you tie the ear loops and tuck in the pleats does not help.

        My friend who has been teaching in person since last September swears by Stark’s masks.

    • X

      Evolve together Kn95. They are comfortable for me and don’t slipp off my nose when I speak.

    • Anon

      I like Vida KN95s. They’re comfortable (nothing like an actual N95, which is very uncomfortable) and stay in place well.

    • Anonymous

      The CDC advice is to switch to medical masks. Demetech has medical masks made in the US.

    • Anon

      My employer is moving to mandatory KN95. Medical adjacent, not medical, but lots of MDs involved in decision-making.

    • forever kn95

      I got KN95s from eBay. I find they fit my face better than fabric ones, so even if filtration were equivalent they are doing more filtering. I also find them to be much more breathable and easier to talk through. I thankfully have my own office so I don’t have to wear it 100% of the time but I can wear it for several hours at a time while talking no problem. I also always wear one on public transit.

    • Anon

      Powecom KN95 masks (you can get them in black). They are most comfortable for me while fitting tightly and as others have said, generic cloth masks are considered insufficient against the greater transmissibility of delta in any high risk environment where airborne virus can build up over time if medical masks are available. Fit is crucial, as is filtration, and medical masks deliver more reliability because they are standardized.

  11. Anon

    I used to have a black winter work clothes palette due wearing black tights when it is cold. I am really not sure how my clothes colors are going to change with another year of not wearing real work clothes (like even at work, people are barely wearing pajamas when they come in and honestly, I’m happy just to see people). Last year, schools were closed, so I was home. This year, I may actually be able to work at work (which I vastly prefer — home is not set up for work and after last year it feels traumatic to be there for more than a day). I’m kind of looking to a cool weather season where I might wear colors (OTOH, I feel like I may mess things up at first a lot or start dressing with 2010-era skinny jeans tucked into boots and an infinity scarf).

    • anon

      I quite enjoy wearing colors in fall/winter. They help things feel nicer when everything outside feels blech. Also, my winter pallor does NOT benefit from wearing black near my face, so I keep that on the bottom half and try to pick richly colored sweaters and tops.

  12. Anon

    It looks like 5-11 YO kids may get greenlighted to get COVID shots by NYE. But I am reading that they may get a lot less than in adult shots. If you have a very large 11YO kid (like your height, maybe 20 pounds lighter), would you wait a few months until they turn 12? Or just get a shot in an arm and we’ll figure it out later? I am torn — Delta is so spready, but I am concerned that a reduce dose may be not quite enough to do the trick. I usually would forge ahead asap but I am now enjoying that I have some time to think. If things get very dire here that may change things (schools are masked here, thankfully, but ERs are full and adult rates are middling at best). WWYD?

    • anon

      I would get whatever vaccine you can get now, and lean on getting an adult-dosed booster later. Something is better than nothing. My kid turns 12 in two months and I am counting down the days.

    • Veronica Mars

      There was a recent article in Slate (or maybe it was the NY Times) about parents lying to get their kids the vaccine early and not regretting it. So, it’s definitely a thing. Whether or not it’s right for your child or your family, is hard to say.

      • Anon

        Yeah, I’d say at least half of people I know with kids 10-11 have had them vaccinated, and those who are waiting are either vaccine hesitant or concerned about dose and want to wait so their kids can get the lower dose (5-11 is 1/3rd of the adult dose). I plan to vaccinate my large 4 year old with the 5-11 cohort. The risks of waiting are too great, especially in an anti-mask red state.

        • Anonymous

          Wow, what, really?! I have kids that are 3, 5 and 8. My kids get all their shots, including the flu shot. My elementary schoolers will get vaxxed when it is required (especially if it means they can stop wearing masks!). DH and I got our shots as soon as we were eligible, but not a day earlier (no cutting the line by fudging facts).

          However, absent underlying factors, the actual risk of getting covid to young kids is extremely low. There is no way I would push my 3 or 4 year old into the 5 category. Frankly, I’m a little nervous about my young 5 year old getting it, but will rely on my pediatrician who we trust immensely.

          For context, I am a former public health professional with a clinical background, and my sister in law is a microbiologist who works on mRNA vaccines (and while she didn’t work on covid specifically, her work was used in the vaccines and she was in long sciencey email chains with Dr Fauci, which I think is pretty bad a$$). Also, we are in a deep blue state with a high vax rate and strong covid precautions. My town is 90% vaccinated for all eligible people (though a huge number of people are <12). My two elem kids have both already been flagged as close contacts in school this year and have been allowed to continue to go under MA's test-and-stay protocols (they ended up clear!).

          • Anon

            Yeah, if I lived in a county with 90% of eligible people vaccinated and masks required at schools, I might make a different choice. But the national average is nowhere near that high, and many red states have banned school mask mandates. My county is only at 54% with one dose, and we’re doing better than our state as a whole.

            I’m not sure I would have put my kid in a vaccine trial in 2020 when the mRNA technology was newer (I understand it was in development for decades but in development and in use aren’t the same), but with vaccines safely given to billions of people now, I’m far more worried about the long term effects of the virus. I’m more worried about long Covid and permanent neurological damage than death, although I will say the death stats are getting fairly alarming too. We also have high risk (70+ with underlying health conditions) grandparents that we see regularly, and getting our kid vaccinated will be an added layer of protection for them too, although I’ll worry about that less once they get their boosters, which will presumably happen before 5-11 year olds are vaccine eligible.

            How cool about your sister and Fauci!

        • Anon

          What part of the country are you in? In my city, people seem to be very much not willing to look the other way on anything, which is frustrating (ERs are opening tents, etc.).

          • Anonymous

            Yeah, in my state it’s impossible to get a vaccine for an underage kid. The public vaccination sites, which aren’t even operating in our county any longer, asked for a birth certificate. Pharmacies ask for date of birth and health insurance cards, so you can’t fudge the date of birth there because it won’t match the health insurance information. The parent also has to present a driver’s license, and they pull up any existing records the kid has that include the date of birth. I suppose you could go to a pharmacy chain where you have never had a prescription filled for yourself or the kid, fake the kid’s birth date, and claim you were uninsured, but then the information in the vaccine registry would be wrong and it could come back to haunt you when it was time to verify vaccination status or get a booster.

          • Anon

            The people I know who did this fudged the birthday at a pharmacy. I’m not sure what they did about insurance, maybe said they were uninsured if asked. No pharmacies in my area ask for a birth certificate.

            I think you can always sort out the paperwork later. There’ll be boosters within a year presumably, and you can get a card with the correct birthday at that time. Worst case your kid wouldn’t have the CDC card and might be subject to some additional testing if you want to travel internationally in the next few months. To me that’s a small price to pay for getting the vaccine.

    • Anon

      If you have a large 11 year old and you’d rather they have the adult dose, why not just vaccinate them now? The main reason to wait is if you want the lower dose.

      • Anon

        People keep talking about “large”; why do people think size has any relevance to the reasons behind the dosing?

        • Anon

          It’s not the only thing that matters, but it’s definitely a factor. It’s a reason why women have worse side effects than men in general, because we’re smaller. Even if size isn’t relevant, there’s nothing magic that happens on a birthday, they just had to draw the line somewhere in trials and they definitely err on the side of safety, meaning children near the cutoff can clearly get the bigger dose without safety issues. Immunologically, 11 year 11 months is no different than 12 years 0 months. I wouldn’t vaccinate a 7 year old with an adult dose even if they weighed 120 pounds. But a 120 pound 11 year old? Yeah, that’s completely fine.

          • Anon

            This isn’t at all persuasive to me; different meds are wildly different. I take the same Zofran dose as my cat! Isn’t the Moderna dose significantly bigger than the Pfizer dose to begin with?

            I agree that cut offs are artificial and have nothing against people going out and getting their kid vaccinated early. But I can’t get behind worrying about whether the dose will be big enough for a “large” child. It’s just not the relevant factor here.

            My understanding is that children’s immune systems are primed to learn; their thymus is active; they’re better at responding to vaccines. So sometimes they can get away with smaller doses that may not be enough for adults. The immune system is wildly complicated and I’m sure there’s more to it than this. But this is by age/development, not weight. People come in different sizes; it doesn’t mean that they’re developing at different rates.

          • Anon

            Yeah, I agree with you that worrying a dose will be too small for her child is kind of silly. The trials are testing efficacy and even a smaller than optimal dose would likely offer protection against severe illness (and in general, efficacy seems higher in kids than adults). I would certainly take a smaller dose if it was the first available to my child. But I also don’t think there’s much risk to vaccinating a large child (any child, really) who is near the age cutoff, so if she’d prefer her child to have the adult dose, it makes sense to me to just do it now.

            You’re right that the Moderna dose is basically double, and many experts have theorized that that’s why Moderna seems to be holding up a little better than Pfizer 6+ months after vaccination. But it’s not proven and there could be other factors besides dose.

        • Anon

          I am not sure that there is a material difference b/w a 11.75 YO kid and a 12 YO kid. I have seen some teens (maybe with late-onset puberty) who are tiny, like < 80 pounds and very shot. So I get that some things are developmental, but there is a broad spectrum where everyone falls. It seems a bit arbitrary at the end points. I wouldn't put an adult dose in a 5YO. But I get why you wouldn't want a kid who rides in the front seat and is not functionally different from a 12YO in the same class to get a fraction of the dose. If the ages are a season different, to me, that is a rounding error.

    • Anonymous

      Omg what is this nonsense? You are not smarter than the CDC and actual doctors. Get your kid the shot they are approved of as soon as you can and please don’t spread this nonsense.

    • Cat

      I would get the kid-dosed shot unless it’s literally a matter of a few weeks. Didn’t we all convince you last month that it’s not about weight?

      • Anonymous

        Right? And if we didn’t cool but then please stop sharing all the reasons why you feel smarter than the CDC.

        • Anon

          I’m not the OP, but it’s not about being “smarter” than the CDC. The CDC is making a different risk assessment because their interest is in 1) public health and 2) provider liability. If even one child died or had serious side effects from an off label vaccine that would be a disaster for public health because it would likely dissuade millions from vaccination. A parent’s interest is in protecting their individual child and weighing the risks of contracting the virus versus the risks of the off label. This is NOT the same assessment the CDC is making. Dozens of kids are dying from Covid every week, and many more are suffering potentially long-term complications. For a child near the cutoff age, the risks of the virus far outweigh the risks of an offlabel vaccine (especially if that child has to attend school with people not wearing masks and/or not vaccinated) and it’s a reasonable choice for a parent to vaccinate their own child.
          My pediatrician 100% agrees with all of this. She couldn’t vaccinate off label for liability reasons but she told me she supports me going to CVS with the wrong birthday.

          • Anon

            But how many parents have the ability to truly analyze the data in a scientific manner? Or even have access to the actual data?

    • Anon

      I thought it is not about weight but about how developed a child vs adult immune system is. A 100lb adult and 200lb adult get the same dose

      • Anon

        Dosing for adults probably should be based on weight, actually. They just use one dose for everyone to make trials simpler and in order to make sure it’s effective in the vast majority of the population, smaller people and women generally get a larger dose than they need. One of the reasons we tend to suffer more side effects than men. Also nothing magic happens to the immune system on your 12th birthday. They had to draw the line somewhere and if you’re close to the line the risks of getting the larger dose are very minimal (especially when compared to the risks of catching the virus). Obviously the further from the line you are the greater the risk of the ‘wrong’ dose.

        Also you know they trialed the adult dose in infants as young as 6 months in Phase 1 trials, right? Admittedly that was a small sample size, but nothing bad happened to any of the kids.

    • Anonymous

      Hey, you’ve got to stop crowdsourcing your theory about your large 11-year-old! It’s bordering on vaccine disinformation to spread this around. We cannot answer the question for you. Weight is not the factor determining vaccine eligibility. Wait until your kid is eligible.

    • Anonymous

      If your child has an underlying condition, I’d consider it. Otherwise, no. Look at the statistics and talk to your pediatrician.

    • Anon

      I think that you wouldn’t care so much if adults had done their part and gotten vaccinated. And no lesser dose will be enough to overcome that for kids who are back at school in crowded classrooms with bad ventillation (do windows even open in mobile units?), on buses, and eating in cafeterias. I get the anxiety. You can blame that on the 50% of people in my city who didn’t bother getting shots for them or their older kids.

    • Anon

      How many times are we going to discuss here the fact that pediatric dosage is not just based on body size?

    • Anon

      Kids of all ages should be eligible by NYE. Pfizer said this week that they’re submitting to the FDA in early October, and the FDA has indicated they’ll act on it within about a month, so I think early November is the target timeline for that age group. Then the younger kids are about a month behind, so hopefully early December.

      • Anon

        Why hopefully? Last I checked, only a handful of toddlers have died of COVID, and most of them have underlying conditions. Unless there are underlying conditions, you’re looking at the approximate risk of being hit by lightning.

        • Anon

          Because vaccines are really safe, and there are tons of outcomes besides death to worry about with this virus?

          • Anon

            Yeah I don’t understand this post. I would vaccinate my kid against lightning strikes if such a thing were possible. Just because something is very rare, doesn’t mean it’s not worth preventing if you can safely prevent it. Vaccines are safe, effective and amazing. Gimme ALL THE VACCINES!

        • InHouse Anon

          At this point the benefit of vaccines for small kids is not just to mitigate the health risks, but also to help stop the constant disruptions for quarantines.
          Let me tell you how fun it is to sit at home for 2 weeks with a perfectly healthy pre-schooler because his daycare class is quarantined, trying to work full time. FFS I am so over people dismissing how incredibly disruptive quarantines are on working parents’ lives. My young kid will be getting the vaccine asap even though “only” a few toddlers have died.

          • No Face

            THANK YOU! I have a friend in Florida. Most of her neighbors were quarantined within a week of school opening. Entire schools have closed. That is not good for kids, especially kids with working parent(s).

          • Anon

            This. The pandemic will only end once pediatric vaccines are available and everyone from 0+ can get them.

          • Anon

            yes! my husband and I are working full time with our pre-k kiddo trying to manage our meetings with her required online schooling as well, for the second quarantine already this school year. I will be happy to have her vaccinated and so will she. This child hates online school and having to stay home and be constantly shushed while we try to manage meetings.

        • Anon

          I personally know a healthy 3 year old who died of Covid so you can f-ck right off. No one is forcing you to vaccinate your kids. I’m eagerly awaiting the day I can vaccinate mine and get back to something resembling normal life.

          450 kids and counting have died of Covid in the US alone, and many experts believe that number is significantly undercounted. A brutal flu season doesn’t break 200 pediatric deaths. So far in 2021 literally not one person has died from a lightning strike. So, no, this virus is not a lightning strike, or a flu, in terms of mortality. Also there’s more to health than just being not dead.

          • Anonymous

            I’m sorry to hear about the death of a child you know. You’re right that it’s tragic, preventable, and nothing like a lightning strike.

          • Alanna of Trebond

            I know this was not your intent, but a number of people died just a few weeks ago from lightning strikes in the New York area on various beaches. I believe there was a 13 year old boy and a 19 year old lifeguard.

        • Anon

          My kid has an underlying condition (asthma). One of her best friends has juveniel diabetes. Super cool that their lives don’t matter to you because “healthy kids don’t die.” Also the statement that healthy kids don’t die is just false.

  13. anon

    I have been feeling anxious and depressed lately, and it finally hit me last night that what I’m actually feeling is grief. I lost my FIL to Covid over the winter, my beloved pet died 3 weeks ago, and the couple we’re closest to also announced 3 weeks ago that they’re divorcing. Due to the circumstances of the divorce (infidelity), we are likely to lose a friendship with one of the spouses, who wants to continue his relationship with the affair partner.

    I had a complicated relationship with my FIL, but I miss him and am beating myself up for every time I was annoyed with him. I hate seeing my MIL, DH, and kids hurt so much. I don’t think I’ve even processed my grief because I’ve tried to be strong for them. My pet was my baby before I had human babies, and I keep expecting to see him wandering around the house or waiting for a cuddle. I’m questioning so much of what I thought I knew about my friend and also grieving the easy, fun times we had as the four of us. I’m trying to support my friend who was left, and hearing the details and witnessing her grief has been necessary but HARD.

    It’s been a lot, and I’m not OK. I’m out of tears, but the brain fog and exhaustion are terrible. I’ve been leaning into resting more than usual and trying to take it easy because I’m having a hard time pulling myself out of this funk of messy, complicated feelings.

    • Anonymous

      I really understand. That’s a lot of grief! I also think that losing a friend, as an adult, is exceptionally painful and we don’t have good language for it. Our neighbors/podmates/closest friends moved across country over the summer, and it was brutally hard. I was so frustrated with myself for feeling so terrible about it – I felt like I should be more cool and savvy about the whole thing – but I was just so, so sad. I think I’ve concluded that it’s rare to have these kinds of tight friendships in adulthood, and it is a painful loss when it goes away. And we don’t have good language to talk about how much that can hurt. I wish I could give you a hug in real life.

      • anon

        Aww, thank you. Yes, the loss of a close friendship can be traumatic if there’s a sudden event, and it’s not just a slow, gradual drifting away thing. This is something I haven’t had much experience with, honestly.

    • Daffodil

      Hugs, and take care of yourself.

      I will also say that, from my perspective in getting through a divorce that involved my ex’s infidelity, I so greatly appreciated my close friends who got me through the hard times. Even if she’s too far in her grief right now to tell you, I guarantee she is grateful to have you to talk to.

      • anon

        I hope so. I often feel like I’m not doing enough, or that I don’t know what’s appropriate. Do I check in often, or does that come off as patronizing or like I’m forcing her to spill the deets about how she’s doing?

  14. Annie

    Did we ever hear back from the poster with the wedding story involving her husband and the uninvited sister? I’ve thought of her a lot since then. I hope things are going better for her.

  15. All Eyes

    To the poster yesterday who asked what products I have been using, I use RevitaBrow and RevitaLash, both purchased 2-for-1 at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. For lash and brow tinting, I use 1000 Hour. YMMV, but I am so happy with my results.

  16. Anon

    Is anyone here a member of the DAR? A cousin is just finishing the whole genealogy rigamarole, so I’m eligible – just not sure what it’s about, why I should join, etc.

    • Anonymous

      No I don’t feel any need to invest my time into an organization designed expressly to be exclusionary.

      • LaurenB

        It’s no more “exclusionary” than Hadassah or B’nai Brith. The organization isn’t saying you’re an inferior person if you don’t have an ancestor who fought in the Rev War.

        • Anon

          The organization is super racist and problematic. I don’t know enough about the organizations you mentioned to comment on them, but the problem with the DAR isn’t just the policy of who they admit.

    • Anon

      It was interesting paperwork to go through, historically-speaking. In our family’s very small town, it was a group that did a lot of civics programs and provided scholarships for high-schoolers. It was very meaningful to my grandmother and I think that the paperwork will be something I’m glad I did. I don’t really participate, but the retirees have a lot of lunch w/ speaker events that they seem to enjoy (I get their e-mails).

      FWIW, I live in the SEUS (but was an Army brat, so I didn’t really live here until I was an adult) and personally like mentally caring about a war that’s not the Civil War.

    • anon

      I am not eligible, but even if I was, I wouldn’t entertain it because that is the type of blind patriotism/nationalism that I am not a fan of.

      Have you not looked at their website yet? That’s the place to start to see if it’s right for you.

    • Anon for this

      I’m technically a registered member (my grandma did all the paperwork for herself, then my mom did all the legwork for both of us) but don’t pay dues or belong to a chapter. Through my mom (who actually enrolled in her local chapter but has gone fairly dormant as far as participation) I decided it wasn’t for me — kind of a random assortment of armed-forces support (welcoming active military home at the airport) vs hodge-podge local arts and crafts (let’s send homemade cookies to our police stations!) etc.

    • Anonymous

      Eligible, but wouldn’t join. My grandmother told me that its purpose when she was growing up was to “keep black people down” and I believe it. I like genealogy and history, but that assessment from my Southern grandmother (who had her own racial biases) stuck with me.

    • Io

      They’re trying to be more progressive. They sponsor some Native American scholarships now, for example. But it was typically a snobby social organization in the past.

      I’m eligible as well and keep going back and forth on joining. I don’t think I’d fit in, but I also don’t think organizations will change without outliers getting in and changing them.

      • Anon

        I’m with you on your last sentence. I’m decades too young to fit in (retirees mainly and I have young kids), but I would actually love to do somethings with it if I had the time. Kids really like Hamilton still and I feel like there is a renewed interest in history, especially if you live near some areas where there is something local to see (like my county had its own resolution to break free from British rule). We have a decently large Lumbee population that participates in the area where my family is from.

      • Seventh Sister

        This is what I say to myself all the time about Girl Scouts. The marketing materials make it seem like this super multi-culti, very outdoorsy, easy to navigate organization. But when I go to a service unit meeting, it’s all how to make fussy crafts and an 87 page manual about how to properly participate in this quarter’s fundraiser. Without outliers, this stuff is never going to change.

        • Anonymous

          I just ignore the service unit and council as much as possible. You can absolutely make your own troop look like it belongs on the side of a cookie box.

      • Anonymous

        You make a good point in your last sentence, but joining an organization I have zero interest in for the purpose of modernizing it doesn’t seem like the most productive use of my time. Progressive women joining the DAR doesn’t seem quite as important as, say, avid golfers who are members of historically excluded groups joining country clubs.

      • Anon

        OP here. My cousin who’s joining is only in her 20s, but is very Emily Gilmore :)

        • Rory

          Honestly, it’s not so great. I liked it when I was younger but I wouldn’t join now.

        • anonshmanon

          Emily’s cussing out her DAR girls was the only redeeming thing about the Gilmore reboot.

          • Anonymous

            Emily’s whole arc in general was the only good part about the revival. I loved her in the whaling museum at the end. She was the only character who had new emotional ground to cover with the loss of her husband and the next phase of her life as a widow. All of the Lorelai and Rory stuff felt so tired because they didn’t have new places to take the characters, it was just the same drama as before.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I won a $500 scholarship from them in high school for writing an essay (most money I’ve ever made in 45 minutes). The scholarship was open to any girl, your family didn’t have to be a member or anything. I don’t see any reason to join now, even though I think I’m eligible.

    • anon

      Not a member, not eligible for membership. I would not join a social group where the membership criteria was being from a white family that came to the U.S. a long time ago. I don’t want friends who only want white and privileged friends.

      There’s a pool in my town that is own by a private organization that requires U.S. citizenship and belief in God to join. It’s inexpensive compared to other pools, and apparently is pretty nice. I view the people who join the pool as ok with racism if it comes with a nice pool.

      • Anonymous

        “There’s a pool in my town that is own by a private organization that requires U.S. citizenship and belief in God to join.”
        Woooow. Where is this!?!

      • Seventh Sister

        The politics of swimming pools is so interesting to me. I grew up in rural MD, and there wasn’t a public pool in my town and I doubt they’d ever build one because OMG, the kids from the less-white town might come and use it.

        Living in Southern California, you’d think the situation would be better, but our town’s public pool is incredibly run-down and barely available to anybody other than senior lap swimmers. I’d pay *something* for a pool club, but not country club prices.

      • Anon

        You don’t have to be white to join. You just have to be descended from a soldier of the Revolutionary War.

        • anon

          And who is more likely to have paperwork/document going back 300+ years to prove this? So many enslaved individuals fought in the Revolutionary War, yet their details were less likely to be document and preserved, especially when it was literally illegal to teach slaves to read/write for a decent chunk of time. My parents are the first generation of my family to be literate, and even they don’t have birth certificates (immigration paperwork was a whole mess as you can guess). We have family oral history of a war my great grandfather fought it, but literally no way to prove it, and that’s within the past 100 years.

      • LaurenB

        But there’s nothing “privileged” about having an ancestor in the Rev War. That line in my heritage was straight working class all the way until one generation before me. You’re confusing having an ancestor from that era with wealth, privilege, upper class WASP heritage, o

      • LaurenB

        The vast majority of my ancestors came to the US 1880 on – it’s just one thin line that so happened to go back to colonial times. It’s one thin line of my heritage. I am both a DAR member and a proud descendant of people who came through Ellis Island in 1906 and 1920. Im also active in pro-immigrant causes, and I’m (secular) Jewish.

    • Anon

      I am a DAR member because my parents signed me up when I was a pre-teen. I remember going to an event there for new junior members. We made bonnets. I hated it.
      Spoiler alert my parents are Trump voters.

    • LaurenB

      I assumed all my relatives were fairly recent immigrants (1880 on – one grandparent came through Ellis Island in 1920). To my surprise, I found out I did have a line that traces back to colonial America and my gggggg gfather fought in the Rev War. So I joined, mostly because I thought it was humorous that I qualified. While I don’t do a lot with them, they do very good work supporting a Native American college, welcoming new citizens, supporting troops, maintaining cemeteries, etc. There are most definitely Biden supporters / liberals / progressives in my group, though that might reflect my area (Chicago suburbs). I have a low tolerance for Trumpers and honestly that name hasn’t even been mentioned, and nothing is political. Join or don’t, but they aren’t quite the stereotype I envisioned. And it’s not really “snobby.” Nice retired ladies for the most part, some who were quite accomplished in the work force.

    • Anonymous

      I’m biracial and eligible. I went to a meeting once probably 15 years ago, because some of my (white) elder family members had done the paperwork. It was awkward, and I got looks. I didn’t go back or join. It made me think of how many Black folks are eligible due to the history of slavery, in addition to biracial folks like myself…and I can’t see it being inclusive or of value to me.

      • Anon

        This is such an interesting perspective, thank you for sharing. I came to this thread for the Emily Gilmore jokes but learned something new.

    • NYCDARMember

      The NYC chapter is a fun outlier to the DAR’s traditional image. They have an online historical book club, fun events, and a lot of members in their 20s and 30s who do a mix of social/historical/service activities. Also, I have found the members of that diverse — you’ll find artists, dance instructors, finance people, teachers, and everyone in between (as well as a mix of religions and races).

  17. anon for this one!

    Tl;dr: DH is depressed / anxious / burnout because the last two years have been awful for a bunch of reasons, but he’s consuming tons of cannabis and goes into spirals where he’s very mean and irrational. WWYD?

    Long story (sorry for the novel):
    Husband has had an extremely crummy couple of years. In the past 2 years, his father (who he was very close to) and his only sibling unexpectedly died. I had a bad health event and required several months of hospitalization + significant recovery time where he handled everything and we had to be extremely covid cautious (and still do). Lots of doctors appointments and some (thankfully minor) long-term disabilities for me. His business, which had been reasonably successful, collapsed because of covid. We moved across the country to be closer to his mother because she is in a very tough situation as well emotionally / practically and required significant help (which is getting much better), but they’ve never been close and he struggles with feeling responsible as the only family member left. We have renovated three homes (one right before everything else happened + his mother’s home needed repairs to be habitable + our home in the new city for my new accessibility needs). He has a new job which pays really well and has good benefits but he finds it incredibly boring and not stimulating. We found out we’re infertile. We’re both early 30s, this was just… not the plan.

    The issue is that he’s clearly anxious and depressed, and he goes into spirals where he’s really mean! when he gets upset about something (sometimes justifiable, I’m not perfect! But tbh sometimes not) he goes into these spirals of self-hate and lashes out at me. He’ll flip flop between saying he’s an awful parter/awful person to saying I’m a horrible person and calling me names or yelling. He’s also mentioned not knowing what the point of living is, and while I don’t think he’s actively suicidal he’s just … so sad and angry. I feel sometimes like I’m walking on eggshells because things will set off this anger and sadness and i hate it. I feel a lot of compassion for how bad the past while has been and how much pain he’s in, but I also don’t want to be called a b-tch every couple days or yelled at when I forget to do something. One of these triggers is when he feels critiqued or like he’s let me down, so it’s hard to ask him to change things!

    He’s also self medicating with cannabis. I have no issue with it in general, it’s legal where we are, but he’s gone from having some once a month at a party to getting high as soon as he’s done work or at lunch on weekends. He’s in a better mood when he’s high so tbh I generally appreciate it, but at the same time he’s not the gregarious, friendly, smart person I married when he’s high – he’s sort of irritating and dumb! I also hate the smell.

    I think I need to bring up him going to therapy again. He’s admitted to being depressed in the past, but doesn’t want to talk to a therapist / doctor because he thinks it’s just situational and grief and time will heal it. He doesn’t want to do couples counselling, I think because he’s ashamed of yelling and name calling.

    What should I do? How do I approach this? I don’t want to leave him because I really don’t think this is who he is, and he’s stuck by me through thick and thin. I think he’s sick and burnout and overwhelmed. But I am also not willing to stay in a relationship where I’m getting called names regularly.

    • anon

      I think you need to go therapy on your own first to decide how you want to handle this and what your boundaries/lines are going to be. While there are certainly things I think your husband should do, you can’t make him do anything, so getting your own baseline/boundaries and coping mechanisms (if appropriate) in order is the first step here.

      • Anon

        +1 to therapy for yourself. And give yourself permission to explore life without him. It’s not promising for a lifetime successor partnership where your husband isn’t able to roll with the punches of life. I’m not saying those things aren’t stressful but his reaction isn’t everyone’s. I stayed way too long in a relationship with a similar partner because his stress and depression was “reasonable.” Got out and married someone who is just so easy to be with. Life is hard but you partner can make it a heck of a lot easier.

    • Anon

      He may or may not need therapy, but he probably does need meds. If he’s going to be resistant to therapy, don’t make that the hill you die on; push for meds as discussed below.

      My depression primarily shows up as “irritability” – aka, being a giant witch, critical of everything, nothing is right, short temper, just generally p1ssed off at the world. Like many people, he’ll probably be resistant to taking meds, but what worked to get me started (and has worked for others) is to frame it as 1) a temporary bridge for a temporarily difficult time (“hey, this little pill can make you feel better til things are evened out”) and/or 2) “can’t hurt, might help, you can quit any time.” Now, it may be that, like me, once your husband gets on meds and discovers how awesome life is when you’re not perma-critical (seriously, how did I deal before?!), he’ll stay on them. But give him the options. He can get meds from his PCP – it doesn’t have to be a big deal. “Hey, I’ve had an avalanche of bad stuff and I’m not in a good place.”

    • Anonymous

      I would figure out how to get out safely and do that because he’s an abusive drug addict.

      • Anon

        Grief is really difficult. Self-medicating isn’t always well characterized as addiction. I agree with OP that the name calling has to end, that it’s time to bring up some kind of therapy or counseling again, and I agree with the commenter who said that getting therapy oneself to work on boundaries is a good start. It sounds like DH needs help to get past this, and he absolutely needs to do better, but I have seen things get better when these behaviors were this situational.

        • Anon

          Grief also goes on a lot longer than people think, especially when the person is self-medicating instead of going to therapy or otherwise dealing with their feelings. Every friend I have who has lost a parent has dealt with some form of “shouldn’t you be over that by now” within mere weeks or a couple of months after the death. People seem to think that just because the person isn’t wandering around dressed in black and crying, they don’t still have complex and deep feelings of loss and sadness about the death. So I understand that if the OP’s husband lost a parent and a sibling and went through all those other changes and stresses, he’s absolutely still grieving and may be so deep into grief he’s having trouble seeing a path out of it.

          As someone said above, depression in me manifests not as sadness but as a hairtrigger temper where everything and everyone gets on my nerves. I am better at not lashing out at people than the OP’s husband but I feel a lot of empathy for him because that’s exactly how I feel, and those are the things I want to say, when I am depressed. Agree that the OP needs to go to therapy herself, and hopefully the therapist will assist with setting boundaries with her husband around his language and treatment of her (which isn’t acceptable). I think she should insist on couples counseling (and maybe it would help the husband to hear that I am sure the therapist they go to see has heard/seen worse than what the husband has done). But this person has been through a hard time and empathy is warranted.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah I’ve experienced real grief. Never made me abusive. Never made me do drugs.

            So many excuses for this terrible man who shows zero interest in changing.

          • Anon

            “Yeah I’ve experienced real grief. Never made me abusive. Never made me do drugs.

            So many excuses for this terrible man who shows zero interest in changing.”

            You don’t know for sure that he’s a “terrible man” and you also don’t know that he shows “zero interest in changing.” It’s really not very cool to take someone’s request for help and advice and use it to reinforce a story you’re telling yourself inside your head that you have zero facts to back up. Your assumptions and biases are a “you” problem; please don’t dump those on the OP. Or anyone else, for that matter.

    • Anonymous

      Your partner is being abusive – for whatever reason, whatever excuse, he’s being abusive. Please tell some women in your life whom you trust and consider making an exit plan. Your safety has to be paramount, even though I know you want to help him.

    • Anon

      Dealing with something similar (self-medicating and personality changes due to that) with my husband. It finally came to a head when he dropped the ball on a very important thing because he was out self-medicating. I told him he had to get help or move out, as I was done. This was after 1.5-2 years of this issue; a long time, and I probably let it go on too long. It was the kick in the pants he needed. While it is important to understand and be supportive, it’s not fair to you to have to live like this, and you don’t have to.

      Since your husband isn’t open to therapy, I like the idea someone suggested that he go to his PCP and ask for something.

    • Anonymous

      Depression often looks like anger in men. I strongly recommend the book “Depression Fallout” to help set boundaries, or at least feel like you’re not alone.

    • Anony

      I’m a little late here but OP, it could be the cannabis that’s causing his extreme mood/emotional fluctuations. It happened to my partner – he used to indulge daily and then after a few years, he had a ‘light bulb’ moment that it was totally exacerbating his bad moods, making him extra irritable and cranky, and outwardly mean at times. He quit and didn’t touch the stuff for years after that. His moods settled down and he went back to his old crotchety self. I commiserate with how you feel and are being treated because I’ve been there.

      I wish I had an idea for how you could approach that with him; I was lucky that DH realized it. You said that he has acknowledged his depression; can you casually say “ya know, I heard/read/saw that cannabis can actually exacerbate depression and even cause manic episodes. Maybe you should try to slow down your usage or quit for a couple weeks and see if it helps calm down your emotions.” I do think it’s a ‘thing’ so I bet you can find a couple articles to share with him.

    • Another anon

      I understand that cannabis is not alcohol. But my ex-husband’s drinking absolutely exacerbated his depression, and many of the other things said by OP sound so familiar. I encourage you to make it clear what you need from him (therapy etc) and stick to it. As another poster said I waited out a similar situation far too long.

  18. Government job reject

    Hey guys, I posted on Friday about not being considered for a job I was covering until the replacement was found. Anyway my mentor (who had retired form said job) put my name in for another job which I will be starting next Friday. I am super excited and there is an office dog. So everything is so excellent.

  19. Panda Bear

    For those of you who are hiring managers for positions that can be done remotely, has the option to hire people from a wider geographic range significantly expanded your candidate pool? I’m currently job searching and wondering if this is a factor in my (so far) limited success. I’m only applying to jobs that I’m a good/great fit for, and I feel pretty confident about my cover letter and resume. It occurred to me that whereas in the past I would only have been competing against others in my city, now there could be candidates from just about anywhere in the mix.

    • Anon

      I’d focus on applying to “hybrid” jobs as the geography there won’t leave you competing with the national market.

    • Anon

      Yes. My company is allowing employees to be remote, so the candidate pool is much larger. In addition, I just heard from a large employer in the PNW that was saying they normally get about 10 resumes when the job had to be located in their state, but they received about 150 resumes now that it can remote as well.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, we are definitely seeing stronger candidate pools now that we are willing to hire remote workers. Nobody wants to move to our crummy location.

        • Anonymous

          Retirement/tourist spot far from major cities and airports. For single candidates, there is no dating pool of age-appropriate people with a comparable level of education. For partnered candidates, there are no jobs for trailing spouses.

    • Anonymous

      YES I definitely think it’s a factor. Particularly at companies in undesirable locations. I work for a university in a small Midwest college town with no private sector industry to speak of. Previously it was hard to hire externally because no one wants to move here (unless they’re the spouse of a professor who gets a job on the faculty) but now they’re hiring fully remote candidates from anywhere. I lost out on a really great internal opportunity I think I would have likely gotten pre-pandemic, since I was the only final round candidate who lived here or was willing to relocate. I’m also frustrated because it seems like most other universities are not doing much fully remote hiring, so I’m in the unfortunate situation of competing with the national pool for internal jobs and not able to compete for most of the national jobs because I can’t relocate.

  20. Anon

    Now that I’m in my early 40s, I’m noticing really annoying changes in my body. Eating the wrong thing can leave me hugely bloated for hours. My waist seems to fluctuate between four sizes a day. Wearing jeans is no longer comfortable, and anything with a defined waistband feels awful. I hate this! I’ve already seen my PCP and had tests and there’s nothing wrong with me—apparently this is just aging? Any tips? The worst part is always feeling uncomfortable in my clothes. I don’t want to wear shapeless outfits and I miss being able to wear jeans and a top.

    • anon

      Not much advice, just commiseration. I hate the fluctuations so much. For jeans, I’ve been leaning on jeggings because they can handle the many fluctuations better. Or ponte pants might be an option. When I find a pair of pants I like, I buy multiples because they’re so hard to find. Dresses are fine, but they’re not really my preferred style most of the time, so I’m willing to do some work upfront to find the right thing.

      I hate the “just drink more water!” advice that gets thrown about, but it does seem to help some. Not a lot, but some.

    • Anon

      Similar age, similar problems. I have a curbed a LOT of my bloating (and acne, WTF is with having THAT again in my 40s?!?) by giving up cow products. I can still have goat cheese, so all is not lost, but switching to almond milk and non-dairy ice cream has been a game changer.

      Not saying this specifically is what you need, but I’d definitely re-examine your assumptions about food allergies and intolerances, because mine are not what they were even 5 years ago.

    • Anonymous

      Keep a food and water diary for a week or so, and track your bloating/how you feel in the diary. It’ll be easier to see patterns.

      When I was doing keto I had almost no bloating during the day. It was amazing to be the same size in the morning and evening. Based on my experimentation, I think I have a mild gluten sensitivity. It could be a different protein, though. Something about bread makes me bloat a lot. Same with beer; I bloat a little bit with hard seltzers but I bloat a LOT with beer, so it’s not just the carbonation. I’m not going to give up gluten, but I can plan my outfits so I can be more comfortable if, say, friends want to go to a brewery.

    • AZCPA

      What tests did they run? What were the results?

      This is not (most likely) just “aging.” I had very similar issues that ended up being diagnosed as IBS. I had to try a couple of doctors, and I know IBS tends to be a catch all diagnosis vs something you can test for, but it meant having a course of action (medication, specific changes in diet, and hypnotherapy) I could pursue and I feel so much better now – jeans are back in rotation.

    • Anon

      This started happening to me in my mid-30s and it was IBS. I stopped eating gluten and cut way back on dairy (I only eat cultured/aged dairy products now) and not only did the bloating resolve, a whole bunch of other problems I was having (random rashes and skin irritation; easy fatigue; joint pain, etc.) also resolved. I had to see an integrative medicine specialist who put me on an elimination diet to figure this out. What you’re describing is not something you just have to live with. I feel better at 44 than I did at 36 and have fewer health problems, but do have to stick to my restricted diet to make that happen.

    • Anon

      I’d also like to know what tests they did (or get advice from other people), since I’m dealing with a somewhat similar issue. I don’t have bloating or GI symptoms, but do have mild pelvic pain (not cyclical/hormone related), feel like I have to pee a lot and similarly can’t stand wearing anything tight around my waist. My PCP initially thought I might have kidney stones, but had a normal CT scan and subsequent normal lab work, so now I’m just left not knowing if I should go back and see if there’s more to do since it hasn’t gone away? In my case, I suspect it may be muscle related, but not sure if I should be ruling out anything else or just waiting to see if it eventually goes away on its own… Anyway, sympathy to you OP, you’re not the only one!

    • Hmmmm

      Four sizes in one day seems like a lot. I wonder if you developed a food intolerance, IBS, celiac, or some other medical issue?

    • Anon

      “Just aging” is a brush off. This one annoys me because I’ve had low stomach acid since I was 18, and I’ve been able to treat it and suffer less as a result, but people who get it as part of the aging process are just left to suffer because I guess it’s expected. I don’t see any reason not to treat something treatable just because it’s normal with age.

      • Anon

        (I’m not saying your issue is low stomach acid; it could be a bunch of different things. I’m just saying that even if it is something that’s common with aging, it should be medically diagnosed and addressed!)

    • Coach Laura

      My weight would go up 5-8 pounds in a day and I had the same stomach problems with waist/pant sizes. My issue was wheat/gluten and when I stoped eating it, I stopped having the bloating that same week and I also now have very stable weight or weight that goes up only when I have large meals.

  21. Anan

    I feel like this is a pretty basic question, for anyone who wears a bra or has kids who do, but I’m rather small chested and I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit that I never actually had to buy a bra until I graduated from high school because i could get by without.
    So my nine year old is starting to develop- not enough for a bra I don’t think, but enough that I don’t feel comfortable with her wearing tissue thin t-shirts anymore. She does wear a cami under her shirts sometimes.
    I’m just wondering what the progression is to bra wearing? How do we know when to get her one?
    And any anecdotal stories/advice for how I can make this as unawkward as possible? I feel like this is happening much earlier than I ever thought I would have to think about these things.

    • Anon

      This is what training bras are for. Do those still exist? I guess now they’re bralettes.

      • Tea/Coffee

        This is exactly what my 10YO wears (for the past couple years now). I raised it as “you are starting to get b**bs and sometimes they can be irritated by rubbing against your shirts and stuff” to which DD immediately responded “Yes, yes they do, how do I fix that?” We fixed it with retail therapy and wasn’t awkward bc she saw the benefit.
        Also, I wear a mix of real bras, bralettes, and sports bras so while DD saw nothing weird about the bralettes, 1) she is horrified at the idea of an underwire bra, lol and 2) DH is now having to auction off a lot of similarly-sized black and n*de bralettes… “Whose is THIS one?” is a big reason why DD’s laundry and my laundry are now firmly separated!

        • OP

          Oh this such helpful framing!
          Good luck to your husband! My husband has been having the same issue with leggings and now when I realize i haven’t seen a pair of leggings in a while I know to go ask my daughter to check her drawers!

          • Anonymous

            My husband does all the laundry and has been mixing up my clothes with my daughter’s clothes since she was a kids’ size 10. Now she is almost my size and the poor man is completely befuddled, especially since he can’t rely on size tags because sizing is all over the place. I have clothes with four different size numbers that are all exactly the same size.

    • Cat

      I wore basically lightly padded brale-tt-s (they weren’t as cute as today’s options, looked more like white sports bras) starting around age 10 until high school when my chest grew enough to fill out a “real” bra. My mom actually called them cami-bras so I wouldn’t feel awkward about saying “bra.”

    • Anon

      My kids just wear sports bras. We have some n*de bralette types from the Gap for non-sporty clothes (which is a rare need these days).

      • anon.

        Yes, the like simple half-cami looking bras from Gap. If you’re feeling spendy, Athleta Girls all day bra.

    • Anon

      Agree, bralette is a perfect option. I switched from real, adult bras back to bralettes during WFH and never want to go back.

      • anonshmanon

        same!!! I embraced bralettes after thinking they weren’t for me, since I am a bit bigger. I always thought I must have support and basically put up with uncomfortable stuff for way too long.

      • CKB

        Me too! I am never going back to underwire, and I’ve even started sewing my own bralettes so I can get the fit and color I want.

    • Anonymous

      My newly 8 year old doesn’t need a bra, but wears sports bras sometimes because at her age/size they are beginning to show up as athletic wear choices. I have 3 girls (oldest is 8) and I talk to them about bras being “underwear girls usually choose to wear once their body starts changing to be more comfortable.” Usually wearing a bra is something girls want to do to be feel more “grown up” but it probably depends a bit on the kiddo.

      I plan to make it pretty casual- “hey i bought you a bunch of shirts and some bras- try them on and see if you like them!” My oldest prefers her clothes to be selected and bought for her. I would personally be squicked out by some big to-do where i got taken to the mall for special fitting, etc. But i know kids that would eat that up!

    • Anonymous

      “It’s time to start wearing something under your shirts for more coverage. Would you like to keep wearing camis, or would you like to try on some br@l3tte3s and sports bras?” Target and Tucker and Tate at Nordstrom are good sources.

      There is a 99% chance that her peers are already making comments. My kid noticed girls pressuring each other to wear a br@ as early as third grade, regardless of developmental status. It was a grown-up/coolness thing led mostly by kids with older sisters.

      • anon

        I remember that pressure and it SUCKED. I was a late bloomer and my mom just did.not.get. that I wanted to wear something to fit in, not because I actually needed coverage.

    • roxie

      For the 11 year old in my house we rely almost exlusively on bralettes from Target. They’re often in/near the girls section and there’s a great range from more sports-bra like (but better) or lacy and meant to be shown racer back under a tank top thing. They’re great. We have like 10.

    • Anonymous

      Check out the Girlology s!te for resources for this and other conversations. I dragged my daughter to two of their in-person classes and they are really excellent.

    • OP

      Thanks, all! These suggestions are just what I needed to get started. So grateful for the honest advice.

      • DeepSouth

        Lots of folks here mention bralettes or sports bras now that we’re so heavily WFH. if you think your daughter may be chestier than you, I really encourage you to make sure that regular bras are in rotation. I find that I get enough support from those kinds of bras, but they really add to my neck pain after wearing them at the computer all day. A traditional bra with wide shoulder straps moves the weight of breast tissue off my neck and I am much more comfortable over time. your daughter may need to think about this in the next year or two.

    • Anon

      I know I’m late to respond, but my 9 year old really likes these as they look like sports bras but aren’t tight or constricting.
      Available on A-zon: Alyce Intimates Girls Cotton Cropped Cami Training Bra, in Contrasting Trim

      I also used the “it might start to irritate you in certain shirts or when you’re running a lot in sports” framing, and she immediately jumped at the chance to get some. Had she not jumped, I planned to buy similar ones and have them available for her “just in case” she was curious or started to think she needed them.

      Anecdotally, it seems like third grade is the tipoff point for my area too. I’ve been on a couple “mom text” group chats asking for recs on what to get for their third grader. Either these or the racer back bralettes from Target seem to be the most popular options.

    • Anon

      Camis with a built in shelf bra? I am like you, small chested and even wore these in my early 20s.

  22. Agurk

    Does anyone have recommendations for custom curtains and/or upholstery in the Boston area? Thanks!

  23. Anonymous

    I haven’t been in-store to Target for a while — what should I keep an eye out for if I go this weekend? Favorite grocery/cleaning/makeup/clothing things?

    • eertmeert

      I love Vanicream sensitive skin cleanser, and the newer Essie Expressie quick dry nail polishes.

    • Anon

      My Target has a nice selection of flavored seltzers (bubly, lacroix, waterloo) which aren’t the same boring supermarket flavors. I love the Lacroix peach-pear and anything Waterloo.

  24. Anonymous

    Resources for talking about debt with my fiancé? We’re starting to dig deep in our conversations about finances and it’s clear we have very different perspectives on things like debt and investments. He views all debt as bad and deeply mistrusts the market. I have a mortgage that’s under 3% and a car loan under 1% (I plan to keep this car for 10+ years just like every other car I’ve ever had), and I’m not under water. Car and mortgage together cost less than 20% of my take home pay. My 401k and investment accounts are doing great and the balance is higher than my outstanding debt.

    He seems to see it as a problem that I have “so much debt.” He can’t understand why I keep money in investment accounts when I could use that money to be completely debt free. If I were a math person I could probably explain it better but I’m not at all. We come from very different socioeconomic backgrounds so I want to be sensitive and not seem like I’m talking down to him. Maybe having some resources or easy to use calculators would help? Suggestions?

    • Anonymous

      Suggestions for talking about debt (I don’t have suggestions for changing his mind about debt and proving to him that you’re right and he’s wrong; that’s a different type of conversation): He has reasons for his viewpoint, and you have reasons for yours. Have you listened a long time to him and asked questions to discover why he thinks the way he does, and then asked follow-up questions and listened some more? Can you articulate his “why” in a way that he would agree, “yes, that’s how I think and why I think that way.” Has he done the same for you, so that he understands clearly where you’re coming from and can articulate it? I’d do this first, and then see if you are both entrenched in your viewpoints or if you’re willing to make changes toward the other person.

      Also, if you’re from very different socioeconomic backgrounds, getting practice in how to have conversations about differing views of money sounds like a really necessary thing.

    • anon

      I agree with your approach. It takes money to make money. You’re better off having more money in investment accounts rather than paying off your low-interest debt. Especially if your ROI is >4%, which it probably is.

    • Ses

      I have a couple suggestions. First, this may help add some balance to his perspective. Your debt sounds reasonable, and like you’re using it as a tool, not a parachute.

      https://www.schwabmoneywise.com/essentials/good-debt-vs-bad-debt

      Second, from a certain working class perspective, there’s a very reasonable dislike of all debt. Payday loans and predatory credit cards are a scourge, and when you’ve seen people get into trouble with that, it makes all debt seem like a burden, a trick, or a stupid weakness. That’s a distinctly working class view. Nothing really wrong with that perspective, but it ignores the way debt can be a useful tool so it might mean he doesn’t agree with your taming of this force for your own ends.

      Finally a numbers exercise. Take some simple numbers on a house purchase where you end up selling it in 5 years. Purchase price 200k, 20k down, 3% APR, and sale price in 5 years of 250k… or 280k. Just run a couple scenarios where you examine the money you put in vs the money you get out. That would make it clear why leverage (debt) can increase your profit and why access to mortgages and home ownership is how privileged people build and retain wealth. (And how they avoid losing money by walking away from their debts via bankruptcy.) Again, not saying it’s always a winning choice, but there’s a reason an affordable mortgage is often a choice even massively wealthy people make.

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