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Updated: Mar 31, 2019 320 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Cotton Blazer & Rose Tattoo Mesh Jumpsuit

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Whoa, how did it get to be April already? Jumpsuits have come a long way towards being acceptable for workwear — and this one even has part of a cotton blazer built right into it! (And hey, I always enjoy overly long sleeves.) Now, you may be asking: KAT, should I layer a white camisole or nude-for-me camisole under this? I'm usually on team “white camisole,” but I think here nude would be totally appropriate — some nice options include this, this, or this. The look is $1,680 at Nordstrom — but hurry; only lucky sizes are left. Cotton Blazer & Rose Tattoo Mesh Jumpsuit This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Psst: Curious for more commentary from this day in the past? Check here. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.  

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Ellen

    I thought Kat may be giveing us an “April Fool’s”, but I had seen this last nite on Nordstrom’s website. Even if I were allowed to wear dress pant’s at work, I do NOT think I could ever wear this on my job, especialy not to court, b/c the judge could have a coronary, even with a cami up top and spank’s downstairs. I will leave this one to the models who have the body for this one!

    I think I may have good news for the HIVE! I met a guy last month, and am still seeing him, tho we have been completely plotonick. All he is interested in doing is to give me back rubs that do NOT go anywhere they should not. I think at this stage of our relationship, that is good. If he does want to go further, I am up for that, but he is takeing it slowly, as he broke up with his ex just 3 months ago after dateing her for 6 months (and they were $ex-ueal). So keep your fingers crossed for me, since he has a good job. I don’t want to jincks this one, so all I will say for now is YAY!!!!

  3. Anon

    How do you talk to your partner about “letting themselves go”? [Not the phrase I would ever, ever use in real life, but one that most succinctly describes this situation.] I’m not talking about weight – which usually creeps up as we age, and that’s just life. But my husband is not doing anything (I mean anything) to maintain his looks – and I’m a little resentful. He doesn’t need to do Botox or anything crazy, but he puts no effort into his appearance. He won’t wear sunscreen or any type of skin care, and he’s starting to look…prematurely old. Now, he’s taken to not shaving, getting regular haircuts, etc. He started working from home, so some of this can be attributed to the fact that he doesn’t commute into an office every day. The last straw was that we went out to dinner this weekend, and he wore a ratty ball cap, hoodie and t-shirt. I let him know that I didn’t think it was acceptable, but he kind of shrugged me off a bit. I’m not going to divorce him over this, but I’m not exactly revved up for a guy who looks so schlubby. I can’t figure out a way to articulate this without sounding…rude, superficial and unloving.

    • Cb

      Is he depressed or down about working from home? Maybe he’s lonely?

      It would never occur to my husband to put moisturizer on his face so now when I’m doing mine, I put some on him and give him a little face massage. He really enjoys it and it is a nice little moment of connection.

      • Anon

        I think it’s a stretch to say he’s depressed. We’re not talking about him failing to do basic hygiene like wear deodorant or brush his teeth. At least half the guys I know would stop shaving regularly if they didn’t go to an office.

      • east coaster

        This is really cute and I’m going to start doing it. I’m imagining bf reacting the way a beloved pet does when you give them a little face rub :)

      • anon8

        Working from home full time can be difficult for some people. I’m introverted, but I can’t do it full time because it makes me depressed. If I was in your husband’s situation, I could see myself going down this path. You’re home all the time so you get used to not caring how you look so then it seems like a big effort to groom and get ready when you do go out of the house.

        I like Houda’s advice below for how to address this.

    • Anon

      Well, sunscreen is a health issue. I nag my husband about it because I don’t want him to get skin cancer. As for the rest of it, it seems like you told him how you feel (not particularly kindly…”not acceptable” is strong language to describe a hoodie) and he’s chosen to ignore you. You can decide if it’s a dealbreaker or a price of admission thing, but it doesn’t sound like he’s keen to change.

      • Anonymous

        If you’re going out to a nice dinner then a hoodie IS unacceptable. It’s not “unkind” to call it that. I’m single and dating – if showed up for dinner and my date was dressed like OP describes, I would turn right around and leave. It’s so, so rude and disrespectful to your date.

        • OP

          THANK YOU. The beard was totally untrimmed, and his clothes were wrinkly and unkempt. I asked him why he would wear that, and he said it was a casual restaurant. (I was wearing a skirt with tights and booties.) And I told him that he would never wear that on a date, so why would he wear that when going out with his wife?

          • Anonymous

            Your attire is irrelevant, women are almost always more dressed up than men, because we generally care more about fashion and dress to impress other women. Look, I think that you can have a conversation about this and tell him you enjoy getting dressed up and seeing him dressed up and ask him to do that more, and he should express some willingness to compromise. But telling him that his attire is “unacceptable” because he’s wearing a hoodie at a casual restaurant strikes me as a very nasty and unproductive way to initiate a conversation about this.

            You’re making a big to do about him “letting himself go” but honestly, I don’t think it’s reasonable to hold him to first date standards for the rest of your lives. People aren’t very comfortable when they’re on a first or second date, they can’t really be themselves. You’re his wife and he feels comfortable around you – that’s a GOOD thing. If you want a guy that will act like you’re on a first date every single day of a 50+ year marriage, then divorce him and try to find someone who shares that goal. Most of us would rather find someone who loves us, warts and all. It doesn’t mean you give up on trying to make your spouse happy, but it means you can relax into our real personalities and don’t have to be on our first date behavior every minute of the rest of our lives.

          • Anonymous

            I actually agree with your husband, you’re just going to dinner, a hoodie is fine (at least on the west coast).

            A compromise might be helping him upgrade his casual wear to meet your standard… e.g., nicer hoodies, cool sneakers.

          • Worry about yourself

            If the restaurant was casual then yeah, he can wear whatever he wants. If you want more nice dates where the two of you get dressed up for each other, or if you’d like to him to dress nicely when the two of you go out, then say that, but saying a hoodie is “unacceptable” for a casual restaurant isn’t gonna go over well.

            Personally, I like to get dressed up when I go out, but my boyfriend opts for jeans, sneakers, t-shirts, and hoodies most of the time unless we’re going somewhere where dressing up is expected, like a fancy restaurant or the theater – this has never bothered me. Now, if his clothes were noticeably ragged and dirty, or started to neglect his hair and overall hygiene, that would be a bigger issue. I probably wouldn’t talk to him about it at the restaurant, but I may bring it up when we get home.

            Just remember, OP, this stuff works both ways. Don’t say anything to him that would hurt your feelings if he said it to you.

          • Ellen

            I think he may be bored. Otherwise he would take some more care of himself and how he looks. And he does not seem to care what you think. You do not say if he has stopped performing in the bedroom. If he still want’s that, you tell him you will do that if he cleans up his act. Otherwise, suspend gardening of all types. I know this sounds harsh, but you have to do tough things to get him into shape.

        • Anon

          It depends when and where and what kind of restaurant. I agree it’s disrespectful to flout a restaurant’s stated dress code but she didn’t say they were at The French Laundry. I live in the Bay Area, and I see hoodies all the time in restaurants on Friday/Saturday nights. She’s within her rights to say this is a dealbreaker and he’s within his rights to find a woman who doesn’t care what he wears for a casual dinner out. There are lots of us.

          • Anon

            Ymmv but agree with this- we live in la and sf and my husbands “uniform” is a hoody and jeans. I think he looks nice. I also work from home and would be hard dressed to get out of my pjs most days… I’m not depressed… in fact, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been! But that’s what works for us… I think the best way to talk about it is to say- hey, I think you look so handsome when you do xyz- let’s both dress up for dinner on Fri night.

          • OP

            Look, if he was wearing a decent hoodie, trendy sneakers, and a trimmed beard, I wouldn’t care. I’m not expressing myself well, but he looked bad, ok? Unkempt. Not just casual. I doubt there are a lot of women who would be ok with this.

          • Senior Attorney

            I’m with you, OP. I think it’s fine to say something like “Dude, I need you to trim your beard and wear decent clothing if you’re planning on going to dinner with me. You look like you just rolled out of bed (or whatever) and it’s not working for me.”

        • Anonymous

          But this isn’t a first or second date, and she said it was a casual restaurant. It’s normal for a married guy to dress casually to go to a casual restaurant unless it’s a special occasion or his wife specifically tells him she wants him to get dressed up. I agree that if she says she’d like to get dressed up, he should give some weight to her opinion and make some effort to get dressed up at least some of the time they go out. But initiating a conversation about it by telling him his attire is “unacceptable” (when she didn’t even give him a heads up that she wanted them to get dressed up, it sounds like?) is beyond rude. I can’t imagine talking to my husband this way. Marriage is about compromise and dictating what a grown man wears to a restaurant is condescending and uncalled for, unless he’s obviously dressed inappropriately for the venue.

    • Houda

      Can you position it gently from an attraction perspective? When you look a certain way, I do not feel as attracted to you. I still love you but there is no lust.
      Or maybe from a self-esteem perspective? I think of us as a power couple, part of it is how we look and gracefully age together. I want to be able to go with you places and feel proud of the way you look the same way I know you do. I don’t want to worry whether we will be turned away from a restaurant or keep thinking I don’t want to run into Becky with her perfectly groomed partner.
      A last resort could be that you might be worried it is working depression creeping on him and that he gives off the impression to have given up on life pleasures so is there anything you can do to help get his mojo…

    • Anon

      Ugh I know what you mean (and if anyone knows a strategy for getting men to wear sunscreen without me nagging, lmk). My husband will wear a hat but will literally get sunburned repeatedly rather than apply sunscreen himself. It drives me insane.

      I don’t know if this is a good idea or not, but could you have a conversation that goes something like “I know it’s been great to WFH and get dressed up less, but I really miss the look on you!” And let him figure out the rest?

      • OP

        That’s a nice way to phrase it. Some of this is…I’m embarrassed to articulate my own needs! I don’t want to seem rude or superficial. And I’m hesitant to admit that there *are* things my partner needs to do to keep me physically interested. It’s almost like in my head I think – who do you think you are?

        • lawsuited

          I think if you say something you can’t focus on immutable characteristics like aging (I get that you may think he’s aging “prematurely” but he will age and can’t stop that so having to worry that each day that passes is making him less attractive to his spouse majorly whomps) and only make suggestions related to easily changeable things like clothing and hair cuts.

      • Anon

        Does he wear moisturizer? Can you get him a moisturizer with SPF in it? Or better yet, get a super drying soap (I know, not the best choice generally) for his face that will force him to moisturize his face with the spf moisturizer, and get spf lotion as well.
        The only reason my husband started using spf is 1) he started stealing my face wash so I got a drying kind knowing he has dry to normal skin, 2) he hates feeling dry, and 3) little comments here and there pointing out the crows feet, a fine line here and there, and splotchy skin goes a pretty long way.

      • Anon

        Regarding sunblock- It won’t work for his face, but my husband is blindingly white and I bought this sunscreen stuff that you wash into clothes- I did all his undershirts and it makes me feel better about the situation.

        • Anon

          Huh? Clothes are far more effective at blocking the sun than SPF, you don’t SPF in an area that’s covered by clothing (and there are a lot of nasty chemicals in SPF, so it’s not something I’d throw in my washing machine just for fun).

          • Anonymous

            I’ve gotten sunburned through my clothes. And by clothes I mean like a cotton T-shirt, not some mesh thing that obviously doesn’t provide protection. If I’m going to be in direct sunlight, I apply sunscreen everywhere AND wear UPF clothes/hat.

          • Anon

            That’s very weird…I’m pale and burn/freckle easily. I’ll go to the beach in SPF 100 and a cotton t-shirt and get tan/new freckles on my face and arms despite constantly applying and reapplying sunscreen, while the parts of my body that were covered by the t-shirt stay ghostly white.

      • Equestrian attorney

        +1. My DH starting using skincare after watching QE (a simple regimen of cleanser and moisturizer with SPF) and also seems to put more thought into what he wears, without any pressure from me and after years of me kindly suggesting he should really wear sunscreen.

      • Monday

        I don’t know about this. Indirect hints are also often suggested when the issue is weight, i.e. “hey, want to go to the gym with me?!” Or “let’s get healthier! I’m making us a salad for dinner!” Personally, I would feel patronized if I figured out that my partner was doing this to me. It would also make me wonder what other hints I might be missing about my shortcomings. I would rather be told directly, but kindly, what partner wanted me to change.

        • anon 9:12

          I get this. I was watching it by myself with my DH seeing snippets, and I joked w/him I would nominate him so Bobby could help him organize all the piles of his stuff in our bedroom. He’s started watching w/me now (it’s a great show!) & somehow the piles are slowly getting tackled as well, so I’m not complaining.

      • emeralds

        My fiance has thrown himself wholeheartedly onto Tan’s French tuck bandwagon.

        Still trying to get him to reapply sunscreen, though…

      • anon

        QE has changed my husband’s life on the skin/hair/clothes front. He’s never been sloppy, but it’s like QE gave him permission to be proactive about his looks, take some risks. His friends tease him at first, but then ask him so many questions. They want in on it too.

    • Anonymous

      “Hey, I’m getting concerned here. You’ve stopped routine grooming and dressing appropriately for the occasion. I think we need to talk about whether you might be depressed. And, if not? I need you to make more of an effort. I try to look nice for you, and I want the same.”

    • Anonymous

      heh, I got one of these emails once. Don’t give him what he wants (whatever you think that may be). And yes, the updated name will be the one he sees. A couple friends are “Jane Smith” in the “from” field but their emails are still Jane Warblewaif at email dot com

    • Anonymous

      I am a giant b-word, but the phrase that I use is: “I am the one who has to look at you.”

      This other suggestion I have that might put some people off is that men like projects. Can you reframe this as a project for him? Like, I want to up the physical side of our relationship, can you help me do that by doing x,y,z? (whatever grooming you want him to do).

    • Diana Barry

      So when he was dressed like that, did you have him change? My DH is a t-shirt and jeans guy, but when he is getting dressed sometimes he will ask “is this okay” and I will make a noise “ehhhhh” and then suggest that he put on a nicer fleece or collared shirt. Or sometimes he’ll say “you look great!” and I say “thanks” and then raise an eyebrow and then he will get the hint and change. BUT we have one brain a lot of the time so our communication is not so clearly spelled out as you might need here.

    • Anonymous

      Full disclosure–i have never had to have a conversation like this with a boyfriend, but, with that being said, I am kind of surprised by the answers. I think the “right” way to handle this is to phrase it as a You problem not a Him problem. Appearance matters to You, how other diners at the restaurant perceive you as a couple matters to You, grooming is important to You. Thus, if he cares about you, would he be ok with putting some effort into those things? Because it would really make you feel good if he did. And I say all of this as a person who does care about appearances–but you need to fully recognize that not everyone does. It sounds like he cared about this kind of stuff before when he was working in the office, because he understood it to be some kind of social norm within the workforce. Now that he isn’t subject to those norms at work, perhaps his default setting is to not care. He’s not a moral failure because he wants to wear a hoodie to dinner and doesn’t care what the other people at the restaurant think of him. In fact, if we are talking about morals, the one in the wrong here might be the person who is placing a really high value on what other diners at a random restaurant think of her spouse. Again, I say all of this as someone who falls into that camp. But it is my problem that I care so much about what other people think. I think you have to be 100% honest with him about why you care about this.

      • anonanon

        Agree. I was on the receiving end of these sentiments once, though not nearly as eloquently phrased as anon1204. I felt like my husband was asking me to perform for him and or be some kind of wonder-woman who can take care of the house, kids and provide financially all in heels and lipstick. It felt like my own needs, especially my need to relax, were being totally ignored. (Needless to say – it turned into such a huge argument that I still remember it very well ~5 years later.) I strongly agree with the advice to frame it as your needs – be mindful that it can come across as listing your spouse’s failings.

  4. Sunshine

    Need help supporting a friend who’s going through a failed relationship, quit Biglaw job on impulse without another one lined up because of depression brought about by said failed relationship. Any advice?

    • nona

      Ask her if she wants help finding a good therapist to help address the depression and/or the resulting fallout?

      • Anonny

        Piling on to nona’s advice, ask her if she wants help SCHEDULING the appointment. Sometimes trying to get through to a person / sitting on hold is the hardest part.

    • Lexi

      This is me. Last 3 months have sucked.
      She might avoid you. Don’t take it personally. Text her if she stops picking up and just tell her you’re thinking of her and you value her.
      Ask her, with love, if she’s showered, or if she’s eating ok.
      Remind her that she’s a strong, resilient, wonderful woman. She is not defined by her BigLaw job, or the guy or whatever.
      If she can, $$-wise, encourage her to reflect on what she *wants* to do for work. Take a couple of weeks to take care of herself and try to remember what inspires her.
      If you’re one of her primary support people, she might be hiding how bad it is from you or trying to shield you. Let her know that you know she’d be there for you, if the situations were reversed. That you know she might feel broken, but none of this defines her. She isn’t depressed, she is suffering from depression.
      And just be patient. But don’t let it eat you up. My brother made two aborted suicide attempts last year, and was institutionalized for 3 months…you can’t support someone like that if you aren’t taking care of you.

    • Anon

      Why exactly did she quit her job? There are people who can’t handle a stressful job during tough times in life, and there are people who leave stressful jobs because they caused strain on one’s personal life. You might want to talk to her about this.

    • Anon

      If she won’t follow through on a therapist, offer to introduce her to a career coach. A coach can be less scary than the thought of a therapist, can get her going on job stuff, help her see that the career won’t work without mental health, and can get her to a therapist that way.

    • Anonymous

      I was this person once. Not exactly, but I was in need of support and making questionable decisions after a break-up. Looking back, what I really wish I had had, is someone to say — Listen, I know this hurts and is hard, and you need some space to feel bad about it. But let’s not let him win. And let’s not let this one bump along the way derail what it is you want long-term in life. You are smart and ambitious and you worked really hard to get where you are and I am certain you are not willing to let that guy be the reason you don’t move down the road toward whatever you were aiming for before. So let’s think about how to get you to a place where you can think about your future and then go back to kicking A!
      I didn’t need more commiserating about how all guys suck or how we all thought this was the one that would work out. And I didn’t need friends and family abandoning me and acting burdened without ever having given me any support.

  5. Austin Recs

    This question is for Austin ladies. I have a family member in ICU at Dell Seton and want to do something for the family members staying with her. Best options for food delivery? I would want something that they can order on their own, given I don’t know their day-to-day schedule, but with easy gift card redemption / ordering interface. I’m assuming these family members don’t have the standard food order apps in their phones. Thanks!

    • NKC

      If they would be open to downloading an app, Favor would be my pick. It will allow them to order anything—menus from restaurants are in the app, but they can also order something from the grocery store, Walgreens, etc. The app is really easy to use. Unfortunately, most of our delivery restaurants have started outsourcing delivery and have you order through an app. East Side Pies is my favorite pizza place and has their own delivery service, but you’d need to call to make sure that the hospital is within their delivery area.

      • Anon

        +1 to Favor. It is my go-to when I’m sick and need delivery food, groceries, meds or anything else.

  7. In-House in Houston

    DC Ladies, I might get the chance to attend oral arguments at the supreme court on April 22. I’m really excited. Any advice for coming in on Easter Sunday? Where to stay? I’d thing it would be better to stay somewhere close so the SC so that I can leave my bag, but it might be just as easy/cheaper to stay a little farther out and just take an Uber (still leave my bag at the hotel)? If I fly into Dulles, can I Uber to the area? I’ve been to DC before, so it would be a quick trip just for the oral arguments. But am a little freaked out after that college young woman was murdered in SC (I think) because she got into the wrong Uber. Any tips/suggestions are greatly appreciated. TIA!!

    • Lana Del Raygun

      You can Uber from Dulles but it will be pretty far/expensive. DCA is more convenient if you can fly into there.

      • In-House in Houston

        Hi! DCA is much cheaper than Dulles, so thanks so much for the tip!!

    • Anon

      Yes, you can Uber from Dulles to DC. Stay wherever you want and Uber/Lyft around – there isn’t much walking distance from the Court. It is unlikely you’ll get murdered by your Uber driver, especially if you actually get into your Uber and not just some random car. There’s also the metro, but if you fear Uber drivers, the metro probably isn’t a good fit for you.

    • anon

      I would do your research to make sure you get to see the argument you are traveling all the way in for. Unless you are sitting at counsel table or otherwise will have special seats (I don’t have experience with this), you will need to arrive early. How early depends on how popular the day’s arguments are likely to be. If you are a member of the SCOTUS bar, there is a special line that will work better, and if you don’t get a seat in the courtroom, you can listen in the lawyer lounge (although I would not want to fly in for an argument and end up in the lounge). If you are getting admitted and can get sworn in that day, I think you get special seats, so that’d be a great overlap if you can swing it. If you will be attending as a member of the public, I think there is a 5-min line (where you just get to go into see the arguments for 5 min) & then another line. I think staying as close to the courthouse as possible is your best bet to make it easier to get there early.

      • In-House in Houston

        Thanks for the tip. The case is one that I handled in the early stages and I was asked if I wanted to attend. A guest pass is being requested for me. So I won’t go unless this has been confirmed. Just trying to look at travel options. Flying into DCA is much cheaper than Dulles. So I think that’s what I’ll do.

        • anon

          Oh that’s great. 100% fly into DCA esp if it’s cheaper. You can easily take public transit, uber/lyft, or regular cab from there. If you stay around SCOTUS, Botanical Gardens is pretty close and is fun.

    • Anon

      She didn’t get into the wrong Uber, she got into a random car that wasn’t an Uber at all. Just check the license plate and make sure you’re getting into the right car.

      • Katie

        Absolutely try to fly into DCA if possible. Dulles is quite far, and if you’re coming in for just a short trip, doesn’t make a ton of sense to be that far out. Not a whole lot near the Supreme Court, but there’s a hotel called Capitol Hill Suites that nearby, and a few others on New Jersey Ave near Union Station. There’s lots of homeless near Union Station but I’ve never had any actual problems with them, just something to be aware of. The Metro is perfectly fine if you are sensible and not a delicate flower. It’s public transportation so it is what it is. Uber/Lyft are always an option, but depending on time of day, traffic can be pretty awful. Alternately, Crystal City is one metro stop from DCA, has loads of hotels that are generally more affordable than in DC proper, and is very safe and walkable to restaurants and very convenient.

        • Anonymous

          There’s a Kimpton near there, Hotel George, which is pretty nice and not to expensive.

        • ADB_BWG

          There’s a Holiday Inn at 6th & C (very close to L’Enfant Metro) and it’s clean and safe.

    • anonymouse

      Why not fly into DC and take the public transportation there? DC airport is much closer to your actual destination, and an Uber or Lyft would not be prohibitive to get to your hotel. From there, depending on your hotel, you may be able to take public transportation to the location.
      I have traveled in/out of both Dulles and DCA and I wouldn’t Lyft from Dulles to DC. Too costly.
      Walking in DC is an option as well depending on weather and your hotel location!

    • anon

      i fly from houston to dc all the time. definitely fly into DCA if you can. Southwest flies from Hobby to DCA. The Uber/Lyft shouldn’t be too expensive

    • Jules

      Yes, definitely DCA. Also cabs are not super-expensive in DC, comparable to ride-shares, and there’s a pretty efficient cab line at the airport. A couple of weeks ago I paid $17 before tip to take a cab from DCA to a downtown hotel, $14 before tip (and with a discount code) for a Lyft to go back to the airport a couple of days later. If you’re in a busy area, you can flag down cabs quite easily.

      And yes, the metro is generally clean and convenient, although how convenient depends on your start and end points.

  8. Anon

    What do we think about Buttigieg? People at my work are going crazy for him. I do like his intellectual bonafides, but if being smart were all it took to beat Trump, he wouldn’t be in office.

    Also, feeling saddened that it seems more likely progressives will get excited about another male candidate before they even get lukewarm excited about any of the talented female candidates.

    • Anonymous

      Well there’s a first husband so that’s a no from me and let’s be honest for a large % of the population. People seem to forget that he’s going to have to campaign in places like rural Pa.

        • Anonymous

          It’s not about qualifications, I mean we have a reality tv President. It’s about not endorsing his lifestyle. And it may shock you since this board is so heavily NYC, DC, Ca etc but there are many in America who agree — in rural Pa, small town Michigan etc. The whole country isn’t NYC, he’s going to have to campaign and win in other places. And I think the 2/3 of people supporting gay marriage is meaningless just as all the polling pre election predicting an HRC win; people say what they’re supposed to say in those polls and then go into voting booths and then really show how they feel. And I had no problem with HRC – I voted for her; she wasn’t going to have a First Lady in the WH.

          • Never too many shoes...

            “Endorsing his lifestyle”??? Come, on.

            Also, if the people of Ireland can manage to pass referanda on equal marriage and abortion and have a gay Taoiseach all in one decade, I really think Americans could cope.

          • anon

            Assuming you’re the original Anonymous, you said that it’s a “no for you,” in addition to much of the population. You elaborated on the second part, but what I asked you is why YOU think that a gay person can’t or shouldn’t be president. Please answer.

          • Anonymous

            No idea what you’re asking. I said up front – it’s not about qualifications. After realizing the lifestyle, I don’t care what his qualifications are or aren’t.

          • anon

            I want to know specifically why you think someone’s “lifestyle” makes him unfit to be president. Either answer it or admit that you can’t or don’t want to, but you know exactly what I’m asking.

          • Anonymous

            I seriously have no idea what you’re asking. I think I’m being pretty clear — if I don’t agree with the lifestyle, I’m not voting for you — doesn’t matter if you are a rocket scientist who graduated #1 in your MIT class. I’m not saying he is/isn’t qualified – I’m saying his lifestyle is disqualifying because I don’t agree that a man can have a husband and putting him in the WH would be endorsement. And yes it is different with Donald’s three wives because they are at least WIVES.

          • cbackson

            Anonymous at 3:09, you know that Jesus personally condemned divorce but said nothing about gay people, right?

      • Anonymous

        Actually as of May 2018, 2/3 of Americans supported gay marriage. So you’re in the minority more than you think you are.

      • Anon

        Maybe people can learn about wonderful things like tolerance and respect, imagine that!

      • Idea

        ? Would you prefer if he was single? are you the same poster who called Cory Booker “closeted”?
        You’re right that it’s doubtful he’ll get the nomination. You’re also right that many people are still prejudiced against gay people.

        • anon

          Not the person here, but I am probably the poster that called CB closeted… but I would totally vote for an openly gay president if all of his other value’s aligned with mine (& not in a Bernie Bro… I’d vote for any woman that isn’t running kind of way).

          • Anon

            OT but I find the “Cory Booker is closeted” theory so weird. Because he’s a 50ish bachelor? There are a lot of them. I don’t really care that much about his personal life, but if I had to guess I would guess he’s more of a (straight) player who never had any interest in settling down than a gay man.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      He seems like he’s trying to be “moderate” in terms of policy while leaning on the “young upstart outsider” vibe/brand, and I suspect he can’t have his cake and eat it too. All my old friends from Notre Dame seem to like him a lot, lol.

      This isn’t an issue with him so much as his audiences, but I’m really over the veteran-worship. Someone referred to the military as “our most selfless men and women” at his CNN town hall, ugh ugh ugh.

      • Irish Midori

        Same. I like him a lot, and he has great ideas. My concern is that he is just so darn young. I know it sounds ageist, but there really is no substitute for actual life experience and hard-won first hand wisdom. Even if he’s wise beyond his years, he’s going to have an uphill battle with getting others to take him seriously (ask me how I know). I am hopeful he doesn’t flame out early, because in 10 years or so he might be the perfect candidate.

        • Anon

          I don’t know – I don’t think “actual life experience and hard-won first hand wisdom” is necessarily that correlated to age. He’s served in the military in Afghanistan and been the mayor of a good-sized city. Those are not typical experiences that the average 30-something or even the average 60-something has had. And it’s not like he’s 23. He’s almost 40, not all that much younger than Obama was when he was first elected. I can see an argument for him having more experience in the national political arena, like serving in Congress, but the reality is that’s next to impossible given his geographic location. I believe Buttigieg – like most of the Democratic candidates – would surround himself with smart people and listen to them, and that’s really all you can ask for from a leader. No one person can personally be experienced in and knowledgeable about everything they’ll have to handle as president.

          • Anon

            And I’ll add that although I personally like Biden a lot, I’d be much more comfortable electing a 38 year old than electing a 78 year old. Mental decline in your late 70s is real, even for the most intelligent, active people – I’ve seen with my grandparents and now my parents. It’s hard to recognize when you’re losing your faculties, so we’d really have to trust that Biden has surrounded himself by people who will be able to convince him it’s time to step aside if/when it comes to that.

          • tesyaa

            South Bend is a really small city, less than half the size of Boise. I live in a municipality no one has heard of and it’s almost as big as South Bend.

          • Lana Del Raygun

            I think the main selling point for his mayorship is less the size of SB and more the story of its economic revitalization as a Rust Belt city.

          • Anon

            It’s ~100k year-round residents, not that tiny. And it’s near a major university that brings another ~50,000+ people to the area regularly for athletic events. Being in city government in a college town has a lot of challenges, you really get a lot of experience managing the town & gown relationship, and it’s a lot more complicated than working in a similarly-sized city without a university. I mean, South Bend is obviously not New York City or anything, but it’s not some tiny podunk town.

          • Irish Midori

            Oh, I know. At the risk of blowing my cover, I actually clerked in South Bend’s legal department while in law school (now you know the “Irish” part of my handle). It’s a complex city with some heavy issues. I have much respect for a mayor who can make real progress there.

      • hormone monster

        I 100% agree with your first sentence. I’ve found some of his recent comments extremely off-putting — one about Trump/Hillary, one about coastal elites. That said, I will of course vote for him if he wins the nomination, and more practically, I think he could be an interesting VP candidate or UN ambassador. I’d like to see a female presidential candidate, and I’m glad that there are a number of competitive options.

    • Anonymous

      I really like him! I try and keep an open mind in the primaries. I also like Kamala Harris, Cory Booker, and I’m open to others. And yes, he is another white man. Who is gay which is really astonishing progress.

    • Anon

      I’m in Indiana so he’s HUGE here. I like him a lot and am glad we have a politician on the national stage who isn’t a complete embarrassment. It does bother me that he’s being described as the smartest, wonkiest candidate in the race. I’m not a huge Warrem fan, but she’s objectively brilliant and more accomplished (mostly because she’s older and has had more time to do things). I feel like the bar for white men is so much lower than it is for women or POC. That said, I do really like him.

    • Anon

      This is not a PC thing for a progressive to say, but I’ve long been a little irritated that progress and equality for the LGBT community has been so much faster than progress for women. Electing a gay president (when gay men are <10% if the population) before we can elect a woman (50% of the country) president, would really hammer that point home and is really depressing to me. That said, I think he would be a great choice. He’s young and energetic but somewhat moderate politically, and I do believe he’s more electable than a woman, sadly. My main goal is getting rid of Trump and I think he’s probably the candidate best positioned to do that. Bernie is too far to the left and Beto and Biden have a lot more baggage.

      • anon

        I have to say I agree with you. It’s not that I think that progress on LGBT rights should have gone any slower than it has, it’s just frustrating to watch women’s issues lag so far behind. In particular, I’d love to see the business community stand up for women’s rights the same way it has pushed back when states have passed anti-LGBT bills. The bottom line is that it’s still far more socially and politically acceptable to take retrograde positions on women’s rights, and that feels awful.

      • Anon

        I agree with this. It’s so great that gays and lesbians are finally reaching a point of widespread acceptance, but it does hammer home the fact that women are so far behind. Misogyny is only increasing and it really frightens me.

      • Lana Del Raygun

        Yeah, I don’t want to be like “Get in line, buddy,” but … oof.

        I’m not certain that Bernie is too far left, though. He might have too much of a wacky socialist uncle vibe, but I don’t think it’s going to be possible to unseat Trump without a really strong economic platform that also takes people’s feelings of having been screwed over by the system seriously. We need someone who can say, convincingly, to people of all races: “You are badly off, you have been treated unfairly by corporations and billionaires, and I’m going to fix it in the following ways.”

        • Anon

          +1. Bernie’s support is far more widespread than the “Bernie bro” narrative would have people believe and the focus on economics is going to be really important.

      • Anon

        Well, part of the problem is when women get a voice, they use it to make fools out of themselves. No agenda, no sophistication…just rage and nonsense. Educate yourselves on what women are really lacking in this society instead of saying, “f Trump”, and demanding free childcare and the ability to retain your financial status amongst peers after you took 5 years off to raise your kids.

    • Anonymous

      I know him personally from college. He objectively is a nice guy. Then, I got annoyed with myself-why did my brain tell me that being a nice guy is a necessary qualification for president? I also agree with the poster’s comment about LGBTQ equality coming faster than women’s equality.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think it’s wrong to want a nice person to be president. The current president is objectively not a nice person and it has detrimental effects on his “leadership.”

        • Anon

          +1000. I want the president to be a nice person, at least by some definition of nice. I certainly want them to be civil to people they disagree with, and to treat everyone respectfully, regardless of race/sex/orientation/religion etc.

      • Anon

        I also have qualms about the ‘nice guy’ qualification. Being nice is different than having good character (see – Bill Clinton, who I hear is absolutely charming).

      • Lana Del Raygun

        I just saw this from Ezra Klein after a podcast interview:

        “Self-interest is bigger than just whether a tax plan benefits you (thought it’s that, too). It’s whether you feel a politician respects you. Whether you feel your status in America rising or falling. Buttigieg, like Obama in 2008, is very good at conveying respect.”

        and I mostly agree, but I think his respect can be sort of back-handed, like “I respect Midwesterners, I know they can be smart enough to embrace progressive politics,” but … maybe some people have reasons for not being progressive besides “they’re not smart enough”???

    • anonanon

      I think he’s smart and like his policies.
      His policies are similar to Elizabeth Warren’s and I wish the media would cover her with the same fawning tones.
      I think he would be a spectacular VP pick and I am glad his voice is being elevated, but I don’t think he should get the nomination.

    • Anonymous

      I really like him. I also like Kamala, and will vote for whoever has a D next to their name, but Buttegieg is the only candidate I’ve given money to so far. I like that he’s composed. I like that he’s midwestern (as I’m originally from the midwest, even if I’m now a coastal elite) and has significant experience talking to people on both sides of the political spectrum without condescending to anybody. I like his policies and the way he talks about issues. I think he’s genuine and he’s the only candidate so far who I have found personally engaging.

      I am way, way more excited about him than Beto, who I find to be entitled and wishy-washy and overblown. I liked Beto when he was running against Cruz but do not find him to be a compelling presidential candidate in this round.

    • Anon

      This looks pretty casual to me, even for business casual. But I’m in law. More power to you if you can wear linen without looking like a hot mess, but I’d be worried about this creasing up and looking sloppy.

        • HSAL

          No. No pants with “jogging” in the name are okay for an interview. I think the blazer might be okay but it’s hard to tell when styled with a hoodie. Are there other pant styles available?

        • Anon

          The waistband purposefully looks like joggers/jogging sweatpants. The idea behind the suit is a deliberate plat on formal + casual, which does not equal business casual. I would recommend the navy slim fit textured weave wool trousers/blazer combo from that suit, with a bright/fun shirt (maybe a liberty print from j.crew) and loafer/oxford shoe.

    • JB

      I like the look, but I think it is too casual and summer-like for an interview with the cropped trousers combined with the linen fabric. Depending on how casual the office is, I think you could do one or the other. More generally, I wouldn’t wear such a light color until June in NYC.

      • aft

        I agree with all this. You may be able to pull this off once hired (in the summer in a warm client), but to me it reads to “business professional at the beach” which doesn’t work in the spring, in NY, for an interview.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1. I absolutely love the look but it’s a) too early and b) too casual for an interview.

    • Anonymous

      It doesn’t seem too casual if styled properly, but I think it is too early to wear linen and look seasonally appropriate in NYC. (My opinion is colored by the fact that it is freezing today and I am so sick of winter!)

    • Houda

      I have seen quite a few biz casual looks when I did interviews, including light pink blazer, but this is too laid-back, especially with the loafers, makes me think of what one would wear to a white party in summer

    • Anonymous

      For a business casual office in NYC, you should wear a suit unless it’s tech/startup.

      • anon

        I’m in a much more casual city than NYC and I agree with this. Just wear a normal suit for an interview.

  10. anon

    Cordial but distant ex just emailed me with an anodyne hello. I think the real meassage was the 8-line signature block detailing new job and all of his degrees, including a new one. Am I reading this right?
    Also, a question for those more experienced than I with g0000gle email-I changed my outgoing name when I got married. Will that show up to someone who may already have my email in some kind of an address book?

    • Anonymous

      Why does it matter how your name shows up? There is literally no reason to respond to this person.

    • Vicky Austin

      1. yes, the mail of G will show outgoing mail as from your updated name.
      2. good lord do not respond!

    • Anonymous

      heh, I got one of these emails once. Don’t give him what he wants (whatever you think that may be). And yes, the updated name will be the one he sees. A couple friends are “Jane Smith” in the “from” field but their emails are still Jane Warblewaif at email dot com

    • OP

      FWIW, this was a nice, relatively long-term, relationship–the kind I still have one of two keepsakes from. Not someone who is trolling me, that I need to block or ignore. But there will be subtext no matter what, so I don’t mind thinking about getting that part of the message right.

      • AFT

        One interpretation might be that he is sharing his contact info – or that he’s spamming everyone in his inbox. I think I’d just ignore it as there isn’t anything for you to respond to.

        • anon

          Any email I’ve ever gotten that was sharing new contact info states specifically that they are sharing new contact info… say hi back if you want, ignore if you want… and the golden rule- don’t do something your current partner wouldn’t be on board with or that you wouldn’t share with him/her.

      • Anon CPA

        I just got one of those…from an old boyfriend who is now an ivy league professor and wanted to make sure I knew of his academic status – which no one cares about except for academics. I sent back a quick, “Hey! Good to hear from you. Hope you’re doing great!” and I never heard back.

      • Anonymous

        I dissent. Send a similar response back if you want. “Nice to hear from you. Good luck with the new job.” Or whatever. I am not one to write off all of my exes. They are for the most part good people about whom I have good memories and for whom I wish well, including the one (of the many) who really hurt me. Some are, 15-20 years later, important players in my professional network. One is my only Trump-supporting contact, and he keeps me honest and teaches me things and teaches me how to talk to people like him about issues I care about. I don’t understand the vitriol for all exes that is prolific on this board.

    • Senior Attorney

      I might just call him out on it, in a nice way: “Nice to hear from you! Way to go on all those fancy degrees!”

  11. Super Anon

    Long time poster, but Super Anon for this.

    I applied for a state court judgeship and, much to my surprise, I have not only the formal interview to do in front of the board that does the selecting (they normally interview everyone), but also I have been invited to meet individually with most of the members of that board “informally” in the weeks before the formal interview.

    Some of the “informal” meetings are at offices (state court appeals judge, lawyers) and some of them are at other places like Starbucks.

    I have my formal interview outfit all planned (black sheath with matching jacket, new closed toe and heel pumps, nude for me hose, pearls, print scarf), but what do I wear to these “informal” meetings/interviews? One step down from full interview attire (e.g. pants suit with print blouse, herringbone dress with matching jacket) or something else?

    Filling out the fifteen page application was less stressful than figuring out what to wear for all of this . . .

    • anon

      This is awesome, congrats! I think it may depend on how formal your area is. I clerked for a state court in a less formal, more rural state, and women would often argue before the SJC in black slacks and a coordinating blazer, so that seems right to me — something with a coordinating or matching blazer/jacket. Wear stuff that makes you feel powerful.

    • Equestrian attorney

      I would do one step down from the formal interview outfit – what you are describing seems good to me. Also, congratulations!

    • Anon for this Judge

      The informal interviews are much more important than the formal interview, which you probably already know. Do you know any judges you can ask? Do you know anybody you can ask? I would (and did) err on the side of formality. One step down from the formal interview outfit, if you must, but a SMALL step down. When I did my rounds in a similar situation, I suited up. (But that was quite a while ago so again — if there is anybody you can ask, ask.)

      And also? YAY!! GO, YOU!!!

      • Anon

        I get that they’re important but I think you need to show some self-awareness. A half-step down from her planned interview outfit (which sounds great, btw) would look so out of place in a Starbucks.

  12. Anon

    I’ve appreciated recommendations about therapy here (and anxiety and depression resources) and was wondering if other people had a take on this:

    My therapist mainly uses Object Relations Theory in her sessions — that is, whenever I mention a situation I have a strong emotional response to, she begins by evoking if there were any figures in my childhood or past experiences that evoked a similar feeling –, and while I find it helpful for understanding WHY I find certain situations more upsetting than others, it hasn’t helped me make much change to HOW I respond to certain situations (crying profusely and spiraling when met with a situation of perceived inattentiveness/”turning away”, leading to several days of feeling super unmotivated, obsessed about said issue, and generally feeling sad. I know in my head that the person with whom I am having these issues in the present, SO, is a kind and caring person who is not trying to turn against my bids on purpose, but the emotional hurt has built up to a point where my crying is set off by the slightest thing. Whether the degree of emotional hurt is warranted is a differnent story — SO is usually good about listening to my woes and apologies even if he did not intend to upset me, but is also sad that I’m sad so often).

    If anything, my episodes seem to be getting more frequent, although I’m also wondering if my starting on the Pill a few months ago has anything to do with how easily set off I am into these crying bouts (I also sometimes emerge 2 hours later and wonder what I was howling about, and then the whole cycle will start 5 hours later if I let myself go down the unhelpful trains of thought).

    I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for, and obviously I’ll need to talk to my therapist about it (I’m about 10 sessions in)…but even though I find the therapist to be otherwise compassionate and helpful in trying to mirror whatever feelings I’m ignoring (so I’ve been inclined to believe that this is all part of getting better), at times I I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes when the crying season starts up again. Does anyone have a take on whether it’s a feature of this particular Object Relations Theory method (or therapy in general) that it gets worse before it gets better? Would it be worth asking her to swith the approach (CBT?), or am I better off looking for a new therapist? Any other avenues I should be exploring?

    I’ve had CBT based counseling that was started off in a similar way to the Object Relations Theory but had experienced dramatic improvements over several sessions in the past (while it apparently did not fully resolve the issues that are creeping up again now… granted, I was so down low at the time that it did seem like I had nowhere to go but up). FWIW the multitude of battery tests I took did not turn up anything out of the “ordinary” range, but relatively high levels of emotional repression (which my therapist thinks is related to the bursting out crying) and caring what other people think. Dr. Brene Brown/Gottmans’ books are high on the reading list.

    Please help? I feel like a teenager dating for the first time (I’m not) and crying over boy troubles, but at the risk of sounding like one, it’s been going on for more than half a year now, to the point of interfering with my work / sleep / relationships. Any insight / advice / thoughts much appreciated.

    • CBT fan

      Before she can start in with her therapy, at the next session, ask about this. It is totally ok to ask. You can even read what you wrote here to her. Ask ask ask. If you don’t like her response, you don’t have to schedule a next session, or you can schedule it and then cancel it.

      FWIW I have loved my CBT. Very helpful and the therapy is data-based. I don’t know much about Object Relations Theory but it seems like going back to your Family of Origin and finding patterns in triggers and response? Which yes, is helpful in understanding, well, patterns and response, but not necessarily changing it. Definitely defnitely ask ask ask.

      Also consider medication.
      Good luck.

    • Anonymous

      This therapist is not working for you. Find a new one. Tell a doctor that you cry uncontrollably for hours for no real reason multiple times a week, that it’s been happening for half a year, and that it interferes with your life, sleep, and relationships. You should probably be on medication

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know anything about Object Relations Therapy.

      DBT is better suited than CBT for emotional dysregulation issues (it was adapted from CBT to address things CBT is not great at, so it can still help with the trains of thought). I have not tried EMDR, but I have heard that it’s effective for sort of “unprogramming” emotional triggers.

      By the way, the pill would do this to me. I get progesterone withdrawal, and every version of the pill that exists means you get no progesterone (progestin isn’t the same).

    • Senior Attorney

      Several thoughts:

      1. I could totally be the pill. Talk to your doc.
      2. I did Object Relations therapy for years and in hindsight it was as you described and I think I wasted a bunch of time. Understanding the roots of your issues is fine but at some point you need to figure out how to cope, which I feel like he/it was weak on.
      3. It can’t hurt to talk to another therapist.
      4. Are you sure it’s all you, and not the relationship? Just asking. If your SO is turning away from or against your bids, maybe you two are not a fit. A bad fit doesn’t require bad intentions by anybody. Again, just a thought.

      Hugs to you.

  13. Anonny

    Hooray, just got confirmation of a positive pregnancy test last night! This is our first time! Just scheduled my doctor appointment for two weeks from now… anything specifically I should do in the interim while we wait? Stop drinking coffee?

    • Anon

      Congrats! Are you on prenatal vitamins? That’s the only thing to start ASAP if you’re not already. The current advice is that one cup of coffee per day is fine, but if you’re a heavy coffee drinker it’s probably a good idea to cut back.

      • Anonny

        I’ve been taking folic acid. I guess it’s time to switch to a multi. Thanks!

        • Lana Del Raygun

          Folic acid is the only really important part, so I wouldn’t stress about it. I took calcium as well since I knew I wasn’t getting a lot from my diet, and if you don’t eat enough to form the baby’s bones it’ll come out of yours, but prenatals weirdly don’t have a lot of calcium anyway. I don’t know why.

          • Anon

            Prenantals don’t have much calcium because they have a lot of iron in them and calcium interferes with iron absorption. I have no idea why this is not widely advised or written on iron supplements. It’s best to avoid eating foods high in calcium or taking a calcium supplement within ~ 2 hours of an iron supplement if you want optimal absorption.

          • Anon

            Calcium supplements aren’t well-absorbed. Plus there’s little evidence that calcium beyond 1000 mg/day does any good, and it may be harmful. You’re supposed to get the 1000 mg/day through diet.

    • Irish Midori

      My doc was like, 20 cups of coffee per day is probably too much, avoid cocaine and binge drinking, and you’ll be fine. Congrats!

    • Lana Del Raygun

      Congratulations!!! Stop drinking alcohol, don’t drink more than about one regular cup of coffee per day, and take literally any prenatal vitamin with at least 400 mcg of folic acid.

    • Anonymous

      Stop drinking alcohol, and limit caffeine (I think 200 mg per day is the recommended limit, which will allow you some coffee). Stop using any retinoid creams. And definitely prenatals!

      The earliest they can detect a heartbeat is usually 6-7 weeks I think, so if you’re only 2 weeks passed a missed period, it might make sense to reschedule your dr appointment for when you are 8-9 weeks pregnant. But I’m guessing your dr asked you all these questions when you made the appt so you’re probably fine.

    • Anon

      Take a prenatal that includes DHA (or get a prenatal + a DHA supplement). Don’t drink fifty cups of coffee per day, but 1-2 cups is fine.

    • Ms B

      Start figuring out child care in your area. No joke, I am in the Midwest and people get on the waiting list for our excellent school district daycare (which starts at age 2) at your stage because the list is 250 families long right now.

      For prep books, I liked “Eat, Sleep, Poop”, but YMMV. Maybe take a stack of books out of your local library and then read the ones you like.

      Buy the Baby Bargains Book (in hard copy, really) and start reading the intro chapters. All the stuff is overwhelming; I found things to be so much easier once I figured out things I needed (stroller, car seat and crib, in that order), things I wanted (Tripp Trapp, lots of bottles), and things I wanted no part of (Baby Bjorn, store bought baby food, my mother-in-law to stay with us for weeks after the birth). I had a couple years to figure things out (adoption, yay!), but you may want to figure some things out sooner, rather than later, especially if your last months are going to be over the winter when it is harder to get out.

      • Anon

        +1 to first paragraph. Yes yes yes. My 2 year old is still on the waiting list at daycares I signed up for when I was pregnant in 2016. The childcare struggle is REAL.

    • MJ

      Also watch Amy Schumer’s new Netflix standup special, stat. It’s hilarious and mostly about pregnancy. Congrats!

      • Anon

        I haven’t seen her comedy special, but I will say Amy Schumer seems to have had a very difficult pregnancy (morning sickness so extreme she was hospitalized, etc.) so I would proceed with caution if you tend to get anxious. Hearing horror stories about pregnancy & birth was something I really worked to avoid while I was pregnant.

  14. networking/relationship help

    I need help. I’m really good at building solid relationships where repeated contact exists (e.g., someone I’m working closely with) and it’s not super hard for me to meet people/get colleagues to put me in touch. But after I’ve met someone for coffee and it’s gone well, how do I maintain that relationship with them when they’re not someone I see or talk to on a regular basis?

    I’ve never been the type to bother seeking people out without a specific reason, but I also don’t want to only seek them out when I need something.

    How does this work for most people? I’m late 20s if that helps, and was in grad school for a lot of that, so I just haven’t had to rely as heavily on relationships until now and want to do it right.

    • Anonymous

      Hi X, I hope this message finds you well. I would love to have coffee or lunch soon to catch up. Are you free sometime the week of X or X? Looking forward to hearing from you.

    • Anon

      Hi XXX, It’s been a while since we last met. If you are available next week, how about we connect over a coffee (or lunch depending on person) at YYY?

  15. Anonymous

    My mom bought me a beautiful, lined white suit…and I’m afraid to wear it. Any tips? I’m paranoid the bottom will get dirty if I sit on something. I know this is somewhat unreasonable.

    Also, what color shoes? I think nude for me looks good, but its still 40 degrees outside. That seems too springy/summery.

    • Not Christian but loves Easter Clothes

      Wear any color pastel shoes. Wear it for Easter. Sit in church. Take off the jacket and use napkins at brunch. You’ll be fine. Sounds beautiful

      • Anonymous

        YES. Take off the blazer…I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me. Pastel colored shoes and a matching sheath sound nice. Thank you!

  17. hormone monster

    I read a piece in the NYT this morning about hormone disrupters. The article pushed a lot of my buttons (clickbait-y, issues of privilege, downplaying of women’s work/value of time, lack of scientific cites…if this stuff is really dangerous, it should be regulated from the top down for everyone’s benefit, and not fall to consumers to vet product by product). That said, has made me consider reducing my use of canned products — primarily beans and tomatoes. On the bean front, is it worth it to get a pressure cooker if I am vegetarian and live in a small apartment with limited kitchen space? What will I use it for besides beans? And separately, any advice on tomatoes?

    • Anon

      My mom is a vegetarian and uses her small instant pot all the time – it’s very good for Indian food (which she is) – beans (Mexican style black beans and Indian style kidney beans), chickpeas, potatoes, lentils, homemade yogurt, rice, etc. I also like making my own tomato sauce in mine, but I do start with canned tomatoes so it won’t help on that regard.

    • KonMari Addict

      I’ve been getting beans from Rancho Gordo – they are heirloom and much fresher than the ones at my grocery stores. It takes me about an hour to two, max, to cook a pot of beans from dried. I do one pot every weekend, and use them up during the week. I’ve also found that I can freeze one cup portions of them for use later. I’ve completely stopped buying canned beans, the ones I make are so much better.

    • Anon

      Watching your personal consumption of hormone-disrupting chemicals and fighting for top-down regulations are not mutually exclusive. There HAVE been strong changes from the industry (baby bottles no longer contain BPA, for example) and consumer demand is a key driver of that change. That’s why you’re seeing companies like Dove make aluminum-free deodorant and why there are more shampoos and make-up lines that are free of parabens than ever before.

      I would just soak beans overnight. I’ve heard that it’s not actually a big timesuck and that it’s easy to get in the habit.

    • Anon

      My space isn’t super limited, but my instant pot is my favorite thing, and I was very skeptical of it before I got one. I use it 3-4x a week for some combination of: steel cut oats, quinoa or another grain, beans, and a stew or something Indian, which I combine with my grain, beans, some veggies and fresh herbs to make bowls. I’m not vegitarian but don’t eat a tremendous amount of meat, I’ve never actually put meat in my instant pot. There are several vegetarian cookbooks for the instant pot.

    • Anonymous

      Beans are easy to cook en mass and freeze.

      I buy tomatoes in glass jars. Tomatoes freeze pretty well too, though I haven’t done that since the last time I had my own garden.

      I haven’t read the article, but I agree with you that top down regulation is required. I have to monitor my blood pressure for reasons, and I notice it goes up when I eat canned green beans (a bad habit of mine). I’ve been meaning to look up whether that’s a thing; I know it’s not just the salt.

    • Aggie

      With the instant pot, I have eliminated all canned goods from my home. Vegetable stock, stewed tomatoes, minestrone soup and beans are easy and taste far better than canned. If you eat eggs, pressure cooked boiled eggs are easy to peel and quick.

      For tomatoes, I place a cup of water in the bottom, fill my rack with fresh tomatoes (stems removed) and cook on high pressure for two minutes. The peels roll off with a spoon. I drain the water and just mash them a bit with a fork. If I am making tomato sauce, I add in onions and garlic and puree it with my immersion blender.

  18. Veronica Mars

    Update: I applied for a job 2 grades above mine on another team and my manager got back to me. She said that she will support me if I want to move, but that I’m a top performer and they want to retain me. What should I ask for? I know I’m underpaid, but is asking for a 30k raise insane? I got a 20k raise last year. My salary was lower because I joined the company through a program that started everyone at a flat rate. I think the 30k would put me in line with my peers and it’s the middle-high range of the next pay grade up. If I ended up with a 15k-20k raise, again, that would be great, but maybe I should shoot for the stars?

    • lsw

      I would look at it vis a vis market rates, taking your current salary out of the equation. Is your salary + 30k = to market rate (not just equivalent to your peers)?

      Shoot for the stars! You got this!

    • anon a mouse

      What would the new job pay? I’d start there.
      But personally, the one time that I applied for another job and took the retention carrot my manager used to keep me, I was just on borrowed time. You started looking for something new for a reason. More money is great but think about whether you really want to stay in your job.

      • lawsuited

        +1 This is what I’ve seen over and over again. If all you wanted was more money, you could just have asked for it at your annual review. There’s always another reason people are looking for a new job, and that reason results in them leaving pretty soon anyway.

    • Anon

      I would ask for a promotion (now, not at some future date) and a pay raise to bring you up to market rate for the promoted position. That could be 30k, or it could be more or less. If there is something else that would be nice, such as increased flexibility, now is the time to ask for that too.

    • Anonymous

      Salary is important, and don’t count it or a promotion out. But if you really want to grow, you need to ask for different responsibilities, too. I worry that they’ll give you more money and a title change to keep you, but your job will stay the same. Yes, the money and recognition are awesome, but you want to grow your skills too.

      • Veronica Mars

        I’ve been thinking a lot about this. My job is currently split between project A and B. Project A is a more “sexy” project that’s pretty enviable while B is my field’s bread and butter. Many companies don’t have dedicated people for A, because while it’s flashy, it doesn’t drive revenue. So to grow, I could ask to do A full time, where there’s definitely enough work and impact, but that could limit me down the line. Or I could ask to be on a bigger project B, but then I’d have to give up A. So I’m torn with what to do.

    • Anon

      Not insane at all! Go for it! Get the market salary with back up info and go talk to her.

      A year after the raise, do apply for another role and move up.

      With every new job, you keep building your resume with versatile skills, get a raise. Keep moving laterally and diagonally until you move up. Rinse later repeat.

  19. Alexis

    Anyone have any suggestions for helping me get over my aversion to writing cover letters? I know everyone hates writing them, but I feel like its a huge mental block for me, and obviously prevents me from getting out applications because the rest is pretty easy. I have some pre written paragraphs saved in a word doc to re-use. It shouldn’t be this big a problem. Maybe I just need to reframe it in my mind somehow.

    • Anon

      Honestly, I hate them too. I have a few versions of a cover letter that has been reviewed by professionals I trust and regurgitate them while adding one or two personalized lines based on the job posting. With cover letters, perfect is the enemy of good. They are so subjective, I figure having one that is grammatically perfect and introduces myself is fine enough to get it out the door so that the resume can shine once the hiring manager spends 8 seconds glancing over the CL in favor of the resume.

    • anon

      I hate them, too. I try to break it down by making an outline to make sure I’m covering the key points. Then I can tackle one section at a time.

      Also … channel your inner Anne Lamott and just write a sh!tty first draft. Getting started is the important part.

    • Anon

      I’m not sure what industry you are in, but you may be making cover letters far harder on yourself than they need to be.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      Cover letters are the worst; honestly I mostly work for the federal government because they didn’t ask for one.

      My advice is to re-frame it by pretending you’re telling a friend about the job you’re applying for and why you’re excited and why you think you’d be great at it.

    • Walnut

      This varies by industry, but do you need a cover letter? I’m in finance/accounting and usually only see them submitted when someone is trying to explain something on their resume. As an interviewer, I usually skim it once and move onto the resume.

    • Mpls

      I check out the Ask A Manager archives on cover letters. I feel like she’s got some good takes (and a couple of examples) that can get you over the hump. The examples aren’t meant to be templates, but give you a chance to see what a cover letter looks like when written in your own voice.

    • Anon

      Looks cute for going out! Personally would find it way too short for work at the length featured at my business casual office.

    • anonymouse

      gorgeous skirt (buy it!). very short (don’t buy it). can you wear that length to work? it’s too short for me.

    • Abby

      Wow I love that. My only concern would be if it’s long enough, but that’s my personal on-going battle with skirts.

    • mixedopinion

      Pro: an interesting pattern in neutral colors. You could wear it with a lot of tops you already own but it’s a step up (maybe 2 steps up) from a standard black pencil skirt.
      Con: Not for the uncoordinated (there is a lot of white in the pattern and I’m a huge coffee spiller).

    • Aggie

      Tried the Crosby skirt on at a trunk show and it is a short 20 inches waistband to hem (not appropriate in my office.) But I love the print!

  21. Anonymous

    Where are you shopping for business clothes these days? I actually went to a mall this weekend and had such a hard time finding things. I actually had luck at J.Crew, which hasn’t been the case in years.

    • Anon

      I have not been able to find any one store to fit all of my needs recently, but here are a few things I’ve successfully bought in the past few months.

      Everlane– Work Pant, Wrap Cardigan, Cashmere Sweaters
      J Crew– Cameron Pant
      Brass— Several Tops, Ponte Pant
      Ann Taylor– Dresses
      Banana Republic– Short Sleeve Sweater

  22. anon

    I read Gretchen Rubin’s “Four Tendencies” book this weekend, and while I don’t agree with all of her POVs, this one really resonated. I am a hard-core obliger, and it totally makes sense why I tend to burn out faster than, say, my husband — who is more of a questioner/rebel type.

    When she described the Obliger Rebellion — which happens after someone meets external expectations over and over until they finally just can’t anymore, and then rebel in spectacular fashion. As someone who has went home the past 2 Fridays and practically yelled, “I cannot take this job anymore,” it resonated a lot.

    I’ve realized that my job works against my natural personality in a lot of ways, but leaving isn’t going to be a quick process, I don’t think. So, what are little, nondestructive ways I can rebel in the meantime? Basically, I need to release the pressure valve before I do something stupid, like quitting on the spot.

    • lsw

      Since you’re an obliger, does saying no to things at work (that don’t risk your job, obviously!) fill that need?

    • ThirdJen

      You and me both, my friend. Here’s what I do:

      1) Run over lunch. It feels like such a middle finger – you can’t make me stay inside! You can’t make me give up running even if I come in the dark and leave in the dark!
      2) Push the dress code. Wearing a suit? Maybe I’ve got my favorite backpacking shirt on under it instead of a blouse. (this only works for backpacking clothing that is not pre-stunk for my convenience) Same for my favorite outdoor jewelry which is very much not formal – but if you see me with my ribbon bracelet peeking out of my blazer, know that it’s there to remind me that I Am Not This Job.
      3) Maybe along the same lines, but I get a lot of pleasure out of driving a car more fit for a college student than a professional. It’s also usually covered in mud/salt and has at least one grubby yoga mat in the back.
      4) Side hustle. Knowing “if I really can’t take it anymore this job is not my only source of income” is terrifically freeing.
      5) If you are a Person Responsible For Others, consider…just doing whatever. My kid just whined for ice cream for dinner? Why not?? Take my mom glass blowing? Sure, ok!

      • anon

        Now that the weather is finally warming up, I think walking during my lunch break would help. I love that you’re being a tiny bit subversive with your hiking gear and bracelet. In a few months, I will proudly have my kayak rack on top of my Subaru. Walking to the parking lot and seeing my car outfitted in recreational gear does give me a kick of happiness.

        • ThirdJen

          Yes!! I’ve been looking forward to installing my roof racks for the same reason. Another couple things I just thought of:
          6) A case for my work phone that is 100% who I am outside of work – I have one of the wood grain ones and I love looking at it. I may have to carry your phone but I can wrap it however I want!
          7) My water bottle, notebooks, pens, and laptop are where all my stickers etc go to stay. Seeing my friend’s soap’s business shouted out on my laptop in all my be-suited meetings gives me a secret thrill. (And my water bottle has my side hustle on it which I looooove)
          8) I decided I was done hiding anything about my outside of work interests and freely yapped about my interest in Books About Carnivorous Mermaids with my work team.

      • anastasia

        I’ve done a lot of the dress code stuff. First of all I am definitely leaving this building for lunch. Then for dress code obviously I’ll wear business formal or casual or whatever, but I am wearing colors other than grey/black/brown/blue, and I am wearing my style of jewelry, and it’s still completely professional and people can deal with it.

        • pugsnbourbon

          +1. I started letting my tattoos peek out at OldJob and my earrings are always interesting/large/distracting.

    • Anonymous

      I’d say that you stop any work-obliging that you’re doing that YOU care about but nobody else really does. For example, if you’re dotting every single “i” and crossing every single “t” and then going back to add in a few more and dot those and cross those…and then you get upset at coworkers for easing through and not doing it all the way you’re doing it, then you can just stop doing some of what you’re doing.

      Of course, that may not apply, and you might be struggling just to do the bare minimum and stay afloat. But if you’re overachieving and wonder why nobody else has to, then back off from overachieving to achieving.

    • anonymous

      Oooh, ME! *raises hand.* I’ve never heard of this term before, but that sounds.. familiar. I have a hunch that the “little steps” are setting and enforcing boundaries, which, theoretically, should lead to longer-term success in addition to short-term relief. And by hunch I mean, that’s what my therapist says, it’s just way easier said than done.

    • Anonymous

      Years ago I went out at lunch and got GASP second ear piercings. Lately when feeling the same as you at current job, I started wearing ear cuffs to work. They look like piercings and are decidedly rebellious, and I know boss hates them, which makes them even more fun! I am millennial, so….

  23. C2

    Would love to take somewhat of an informal poll of you ladies:
    I’ve been asked to serve on a strategic planning committee at my golf club, likely because I check the millennial (I’m a bit over 30) and woman boxes. Yes, technically we are a country club, but it’s a reasonably priced, golf-focused place, no pool or tennis, passable dining and nice event and meeting spaces. Buy-in is very low 4 figures, as opposed to some of the ultra-exclusive courses in our city being mid-to-high 5 figures and one club that crests 100K, so for the range of upper-middle class members we’re looking to attract, affordability isn’t a huge issue – though I’d love any feedback on what might help more younger (under 30 or 35) people get involved in the game from a financial standpoint. As a woman, a millennial, or both: have you had experiences that have made you love a golf course, golf event or golf experience – or, have you had experiences that made you hate it and never want to return? What makes you feel welcome on a course, and what doesn’t? If you’re married or in a committed relationship, does your husband or partner golf, and does that make you more or less likely to want to try it? If you’re curious about golf, why haven’t you tried it? What hurdles are in your way? If you used to play golf, what would make you get back into the game?
    I really want to open this conversation up at my club and make some positive changes, but I recognize that I’m a poor spokeswoman for all women, because I was a HS and college golfer and am very self-sufficient in a golf environment. I would love to have a really robust community of younger (aka not retired) women golfers at my club. I would love any feedback, thoughts, ideas!

    • Anonymous

      My industry (a niche area of finance/investing) has largely moved away from golf outings as a meaningful place to do business, so any interest I once had in exploring it has diminished.

    • Cat

      my weekends are full enough without spending hours on a sport that will also take a big upfront investment in time and money to even hope to become a decent player.

    • nutella

      This isn’t quite what you were asking about but as to club-joining generally, consider what you are getting for the price. If you are looking to attract millennials, you are looking at a small percentage of a small percentage. Many millennials don’t have that kind of money in savings and of those that do, don’t prioritize the same institutions of our parents’ generation, i.e. belonging to clubs, home-owning, etc. Of those that are able to afford buy-in and annual fees and want to join, I think you take a look at what you are getting for the price. We are considering joining one near us and specifically want the one with a pool and tennis and golf course so that it can be a one-stop shop for the whole family. I understand it’s unlikely your club can easily add these, so consider what else it can offer the age-group you are targeting. If targeting millennials, what about a kids’ camp in the summer, trivia/pub nights, meditation/stretching/yoga classes, family movie nights, picnics, carnivals, etc. Maybe invest more in your dining/meeting spaces and advertise that your space can host bridal, baby showers, etc. There is a club near us that does a really nice job at these and I’ve been to many showers there. There are some near us that are big players in the Sunday brunch circuit, too, and are easy options for Mother’s Day, Easter, etc. – especially if you don’t want to cook for incoming family, too.

      As for golf, I cannot stress this enough, offer women’s lessons on weekends. That has been an obstacle for me to become a better tennis player — the only group classes for women around me mid-morning on weekdays. Or else you have to do private lessons, which I’m not interested in. This is really common with golf, too. I am at a stage in life where I want to take group lessons to improve and practice with other people (and not intense private lessons) — but mostly to have fun and meet other people, especially women. A club near us has mixers for paddle that are really popular – they are BYOB with snacks and drinks and are either on weekends or after 7/8pm, so doable for working people. They are mostly social and remind me a lot of junior high when your friend would have a birthday party with a sport/game – it was more about having fun than getting intense with the sport.

      It sounds like your club has a laid-back vibe, which is great! Finding clubs that are laid back can be a real obstacle. I would say I generally prefer a club have one level of membership as the varying levels (golf course only, pool only, pool and tennis only, etc.) can be a source of tension and feeling like you don’t belong. That being said, if your club is a golf-only club it may be an advantage to you to offer a la carte levels for people who just want to get a tee time on the weekends and not care much about the clubhouse and dining.

      • C2

        Yes, thank you, love these comments. On my list is women’s group lessons at more accessible times, I totally agree the weekend would be a smart add. They already do a few (starting at 4:30, which I think could be bumped back an hour or two) but they always have a specific theme (putting, chipping, etc). I would love and would totally pay a nominal fee an hour of dedicated group work where I could work on some of the things I’m trying to fix.
        I think one level of membership could actually work for our club – it’s currently single or family. I think it would be great to go away from “family” being an add on, I think we’d see more juniors on the course and more wives of active male members deciding to go out for more than a round or two a year.
        As far as the millennials – your comments there really shore something up for me that I’ve been trying to pinpoint – the club does many of those things, including happy hours, trivia/bingo, brunch, but they’re oft attended by the older membership, and it’s 100% the atmosphere of the dining spaces. The casual bar & grill feels like a dungeon, not many do formal dining, the outdoor decks are under-utilized. They’re trying to be fun, but you can try all you want if no one wants to hang out in that space. On the other hand, the event spaces are nice, and the club does well on weddings and parties.

    • Anonymous

      We’ve belonged to two different country clubs. As a female golfer, my biggest concern is female social events that don’t have to revolve around golf. Golf events combined with a great dinner, just dinner, fashion show, sign painting, flower arranging, etc. Our old country club in our old city excelled at this, and I was good friends with so many ladies there. Our current club (which we are limited to as the only club in our smaller town) has zero to no social activities for women (and hardly any for men, to be fair…it just isn’t their thing). Despite unusually fantastic dining and a pool, they just don’t capitalize on women’s social events. There’s a small contingent of women who golf on ladies’ night, but most (all) don’t even stay to eat dinner. There’s very little social aspect to it, and I relied on that to make friends in our old city.

      • C2

        Love these ideas! We do have a women’s twilight league which is supposed to be bi-weekly but skips sometimes, and while most of the ladies do stick around for dinner, more events more regularly would absolutely be better.

    • Anon

      I’ve thought about picking up golf, since I love spending time outdoors. But the cost will always deter me. There are so many other things I can do that don’t have an upfront cost in the four figures. So, unless you can bring that start-up cost significantly down, I’m not interested in joining

      • C2

        Thanks for your response – one thing to note is that while I am asking specifically asking a question related to country clubs here, golf in general definitely does not cost 4 figures to start! I just checked FB marketplace and there are several full women’s golf club sets for under $250, even some under $100. So no, it’s not $0 but I spent a bit more than that on cross-country skis that I only use a few times a year. Most courses have rental sets that you can try out. A little known thing is that basically at every single public course, even the nicest ones, the putting green and chipping areas are 100% free to use, and a bucket of balls at their driving ranges runs $5-10. There are thousands of very affordable 9 and 18-hole public and muni courses, especially if you’re willing to walk vs renting a cart; walking is a vastly better experience to take in the architecture and nature, imho. I could have broken my question up better – what keeps women from golfing in general and what would make you start, and then how could the club attract younger/female membership.

    • Anon

      I’m not clear on the benefits of spending, say, $3,000 a year plus $25/month per person (which is what the nice golf club near me charges) when I could just book time on a course for $46 per person.

      I would like to be a decent golfer, but that’s accomplished with time at the driving range and lessons, not spending $3,500 or so a year on a golf membership.

      Best suggestion I have is to do women’s open house weekends.

      • C2

        Thanks, I totally understand that sentiment and it’s a great point. I didn’t golf for several years between college and joining the club, and would have absolutely said the same thing. You’re totally right about women’s open house weekends – I love love that idea. They do a couple women’s guest days but they’re like Thursday morning with a late lunch? What working woman is going to take an entire day off to attend that?
        For context, I personally decided to join because I decided I wanted to play nearly every day, and I really value the convenience of being able to fly out there after work, grab my clubs which have been cleaned and set out for me, jump in with whoever else is doing the same, and play until it’s dark. But, I’m a good golfer and I think my self-sufficiency to just go without needing a support system definitely allows me to play without feeling restricted, but that’s not the case for everyone. My cost-per-round works for me, and I weighed the trade offs – many nights if I wasn’t golfing, I would be spending money drinking on a patio with friends or cooking much fancier dinners with more expensive ingredients.

    • Anon

      I hate the environmental impact and it seems utterly boring to me. Would much rather hike or bike and enjoy nature.

      • Anon

        +1. Also while I’m generally physically fit (see: hiking, biking, swimming, kayaking) I think golf requires hand-eye coordination that I don’t have. I know it would be a huge investment of time and money for me to become even a halfway decent player, so I’ve never even been tempted to pick it up.

      • C2

        Would love to know more about your perceptions of the environmental impact. I’ve done some hefty research in this area, and will be encouraging my club to not only do more, but to promote what they already do. There are a ton of positive aspects courses bring to the community, but I don’t think most people are aware of them – creation of wildlife habitats, water table regeneration, using of recycled water for irrigation, places to landscape with native plants, pollinator-friendly habitats, air quality benefits, sound buffers, the list goes on. But I totally get it, a walled off/exclusive place that’s unnaturally green may not seem like any sort of plus.

        • Anon

          Right, but nearly all of the benefits you mentioned could be achieved better by not having a golf course. If there’s nothing to water, you don’t need to use any recycled water for irrigation. If there’s no golf course there, you don’t need to landscape with native plants because the whole thing could be native plants.

          It’s great that your club is doing what it can to be a more sustainable golf course – but that is nearly always going to be less good for the environment than being undeveloped land or even a regular park.

          I’m another millennial who won’t golf because of environmental concerns.

          • C2

            While I respect any nuanced responses to this, you can’t convince me that most golf course locations (75-100 acres) would be left as an undeveloped land or a park where the same natural habitats, natural plants and habitats would be allowed to flourish. If my golf course were shut down, most of it would become new housing and possibly the side closer to the main drag would get a few mid-rise apartment buildings and a mini-mall, probably with a brand new drive-thru Dunkin. It would not stand a chance to be left as a green space.

    • anon

      Cost, time commitment, total lack of skill even though I’ve been exposed to golf all my life. On the whole, I feel out of place and unwelcome on a golf course, even when playing with people (male, generally) I know. (I’m a lawyer, we golf.) I can’t keep up with men, so how am I supposed to play with them? It’s embarassing for me and tedious for them. The time/cost investment in becoming a competent golfer is way too high. If there were more people like me around, I might be inclined to participate more. But socializing with a bunch of upper middle class men my father’s age is not energizing or fulfilling for me. I’d love to spend time outside on a nice day and certainly enjoy golfing in theory, but there are other outdoor activities I’d enjoy so much more (hiking, riding, running, rafting).

      • C2

        Yep, I feel you on all of this. Even women who can keep up with the men get treated like second class golfers, it’s time that changes.

        • anon

          I gotta say, I do appreciate the initiatives you’re taking and would probably go to an all-women golf event. There are lots of us who want to get a baseline level of skills to particulate in networking events. Good luck!

    • Anon

      I’d say my interest in golf is low (as someone who is otherwise very active and would have the money to spend on this.) The things that would get me to at least think about it are:

      – group lessons at a time I could go to
      – making it really really easy for women to meet each other and play. Like, a set 10 AM game on Saturday where you get put with other players
      – really good winter programming, assuming winter is a thing where you are. Snow shoeing through the course, bonfires, etc.)

      • C2

        Great suggestions, and I love the additional winter programming idea, they don’t do anything like that!
        Out of curiosity for you and anyone else – would indoor winter golf leagues on a simulator be attractive as a gateway into golf? Sure, you might not hit great shots, but the vibe is more akin to bowling with food and drink available, where pros and beginners could play side-by-side. Something like this: https://www.fiveirongolf.com/golf-leagues
        My city has a Top Golf, and there are heaters there for winter play, but it’s about 40 minutes across town from where we are, and I’ve never actually been there. Also ignore their prices, Five Iron is in NYC and I think league fees would be a lot bit cheaper in the midwest where I am.

    • Jane

      A friend and her family just joined a second club because it is closer to their house (both offer tennis, swimming, and golf). The primary thing she is excited about is the summer camp options for her kids, which include before and after care for a reasonable price. The family is double income and finding great camps that aren’t horribly expensive and don’t end at 2pm or 3pm is hard. They will drop their initial membership at a club with fewer or no camp options.

    • Anon

      My husband and I are relatively new golfers and really only have time to play on the weekend. Experienced golfers on our public courses have not been nice. There are little things we are still figuring out, like that we don’t have to wait for the people in front of us to be off the green to tee-off. We also recognize that if we are hitting the maximum number of strokes to move on to the next hole. It would just be nice if people were more welcoming to new people. Give them gentle constructive advice rather than scolding them.

      • C2

        Hey, welcome to golf! I want you here, I’d say most golfers do – even if sometimes they get a little bit of road rage when they’ve been waiting to hit their shots because public courses have a slammed tee sheet all day. It’s not you, it’s that some public courses cut tee-time intervals to 7 or 8 minutes to get more people on the tee sheet, which creates a logjam. If these rude commenters want the course all to themselves with no waiting, they should put their money where their mouth is and pay for that (I can play almost anytime I want and my fastest round in a cart was 18 in 1:55 last year, according to my handy Garmin golf watch). I personally love seeing new golfers on the course and will sometimes join them for a few holes instead of playing through, it’s fun to cheer people on! I know how much good golf does for me mentally, and I think everyone should experience a good vibe on the course.

    • TX-IHC

      -A female LPGA pro for lessons
      -Music at the driving range or bluetooth speakers built into the carts
      -Decently priced beers and/or local/craft selection
      -Chill rules/members regarding if I hit the ball out of play or into another fairway, or if I need to pick up after my 6th shot in order to keep up pace of play
      -Rental or lefty club availability, possibly even with a tier of cool demo rental clubs (like how you rent skis)
      -there was a driving range I used to go to that had a fenced playground, so you could bring kids with you and they could be entertained and out of the way

      • C2

        Love it – thanks! I’ve been thinking about kid-care options that wouldn’t add a huge cost and liability, and I like that idea.

  24. Springtime

    What’s your fave hotel for Monterrey, CA? Was hoping for something like Miraval but close to the aquarium. Thanks in advance !

    • anon

      We stayed at the monterey plaza hotel & spa (prices vary widely, so check lots of sites) and it was fantastic & a block from the aquarium. They have a beautiful outdoor seating fire pit area which we really enjoyed.
      BUT… I’d stay in carmel next time… I think it’s more fun of a town.

      • Anon

        +1 to Carmel, if you’re looking for more luxe/upscale. Monterey is a very family-oriented destination and has an extremely touristy feel.

    • anon

      We stayed at an airbnb in Pacific Grove, about a mile away from the aquarium (we drove). It was lovely.

  25. Redux

    This is surely a know-your-audience question, but do you wish your trans friends a “happy trans day of visibility”? Like, reach out to them to wish them a happy day? I have a work friend who is trans and I thought about texting them over the weekend but that seemed awkward and a little intrusive. Also didn’t want it to read an me collecting Super Ally points, you know what I mean?

    • Anon

      Yeah, that’s just collecting ally points unless you know this person well and even then, I would hesitate. Just be a good person and move on with your day.

    • Anon

      One of my direct reports is trans and, honestly, it never occurred to me. Then again, it was over a weekend when I was pretty whipped and trying not to think about work.

  26. MRSKBP

    I read a mom blog over the weekend about the Amaz on Coat. I guess my city is behind the times, and maybe I will see it in a few years? Are there other ama zon clothing items that are jsut that great i need to buy for myself?

    • Anon

      Lululemon and other top athleisure dupes are popular. The blogger Seersucker and Saddles has instagram highlights about some of her favorites. There are good dupes for Align leggings and some Alo tops.

  27. Anonymous

    How much do you save yearly ASIDE from a 401k? How do you decide on %s to save etc. I would love to get a sense of what people are doing outside of retirement/kids’ college etc. Seems hard to save/hard to know how to save when it’s not for a defined goal for decades from now. Do people just save (and then invest those savings or hold them in an account or whatever- not really asking about how you hold said savings) whatever is left over after expenses or is it more purposeful?

    • Lana Del Raygun

      I automatically divert $400 to my Ally savings account every paycheck, but since I do YNAB that doesn’t necessarily match what I’m budgeting for savings. That part is … semi-purposeful. I have a couple of different savings funds but I think in reality I’m going to blow it all on a down payment and closing costs, sigh.

      • anon

        I also divert a minimum of $500/mo to index funds.
        I also divert $250 to each of my 2 kids index funds.
        We spend what we make most months currently (2 kids & daycare, uck!), but what saves us is that all yearly bonuses get put in savings (about $30k/yr).

      • Lana Del Raygun

        I should also probably say that I only have bare minimum life insurance and my husband has none, so this amount may go down once I get that sorted.

        • Anon

          You need to get that sorted ASAP if you have kids! It should be a priority before any other kind of savings.

          • anon a mouse

            Yes, do it ASAP! Do it before you get a health diagnosis that will raise your premiums. Or before something terrible happens to one of you. Not to fearmonger, but it’s something that literally helps me sleep better at night.

    • Anon

      We save nothing outside of our employer-provided retirement accounts and a little bit in a 529 for college. But we’re in a unique situation where DH and I can both save $38,000/year in our employer accounts, so we save a total of $76,000 for retirement each year. We own our house, so we have nothing to save for except retirement and kids’ college.

    • DCR

      I save about 25% of my income, but that is mainly retirement. I max my 401k, max a backdoor Roth IRA, and save another $1k/month in an investment account. I could use the investment funds on other things (and may use some of it on kids down the road), but I picture that is part of my retirement savings.

      In addition to that money, I try to save between $500 -$1k a month (whatever I have left after my expenses and dedicated long-term savings) for short-term savings. Those funds then get used for big yearly expenses (e.g., insurance), travel, new furniture, house repairs, etc. Stuff that doesn’t come up every month, but which shouldn’t come out of my emergency fund. I will admit that about 60% of this money ends up being spent on travel, but that is my big splurge at this time of my life.

      I used to send any unused money to long-term savings each month, and then freak out when I had an unusually expensive month or wanted to spend money on travel. In contrast, this way I feel like I’m saving enough (the 25% long-term savings), but still have a pool of money to spend on bigger expenses as they come up. I’ve only been doing it for a year, but it has so far worked well.

      I will caveat this with the fact that I make a good living (although low by this blogs standards, since I make a government attorney salary) and that I had already paid off my student loans and purchased my house before starting this method. I would probably save my money differently if I still had student loans or was saving for a down payment.

  28. Anonymous

    Walked in this morning to an announcement that my law firm is now “casual Friday” dress code daily, other than meetings. I was already on the casual side of business casual (like today I’m in a big puffy belted sweater, loafers, black skirt, striped tshirt), so would it be a total faux pas if I mostly kept dressing like how I’m dressing, but maybe wear sneakers more often? My biggest gripe with business clothes is how uncomfortable the shoes are, so I’m love to mostly dress the same but wear more of my Cole Haan zerogrand sneakers.

    • Anon

      I think that most dress and skirts would look weird with sneakers. But if you switched the skirt for jeans, I think sneakers would be prefect

  29. New Curly Girl

    In light of the poster asking about her husband “letting himself go” I’m interested in hearing from people who have majorly changed their look to one that is less favored by their spouse and if they were able to keep their spark. I have naturally curly hair that I would blow dry straight and then flat iron my entire adult life. I’ve literally been doing it for about 20 years. I also used to wear contacts 100% of the time. I wore a fair amount of makeup too.

    In the last 5 years, I moved to wearing glasses 80% of the time. This past year I’ve started wearing my hair natural maybe 30% of the time. I also wear significantly less makeup. People who know me with straight hair/contacts/makeup literally don’t recognize me when I’m wearing my curly hair and glasses.

    I’ve started getting a lot of compliments from women when I wear my hair curly but I think it is more of a “hey you look different and I should say something nice” kind of thing. My husband is awesome. He has never said anything negative about my curly hair or glasses. When asked, he prefers the straight and contacts. I can also just tell that he is more attracted to me with it straight.

    My curly hair is very similar to Dr. Jen Gunter’s twitter profile pic (@DrJenGunter) if you are looking for a point of reference.

    Not sure what I’m asking here.

    • anon

      My husband is the same about my curly hair. I have naturally VERY curly hair that I used to brazillian and japanese straighten for the first 5 years of so we knew each other. He is never anything but complimentary about the way I look (he’s a saint), but when pressed will say he prefers me with long straight hair better. Since he doesn’t seem to care all that much, I keep the curly hair because I enjoy it a lot- I get diva cuts and have committed to knowing how to make it look nice with the cg method (although most days it’s in a bun). I wouldn’t cut my hair super short though because I do think that is something that he wouldn’t particularly like.

        • Anon

          My hair grows quickly… but it took a year and looked pretty gross. I used a curling iron or flat iron to disguise pieces until it was long enough to do a big chop.

    • Anon

      Similar boat – when my husband and I met, I was wearing contacts all the time, had my hair straight always, etc. When I graduated law school, I switched to glasses 90% of the time, and last fall I stopped straightening my hair. My husband, I’m sure, prefers fancy me (contacts, straight hair, makeup, eyebrows done), just like I prefer him clean shaven with recently cut hair, but it doesn’t really affect how much we garden, compliment each other, etc.

    • anon

      I think it’s a tough line. There’s a difference between preferences and just being sloppy/slovenly, which I think is what the OP was concerned about.

      I have a pixie cut and have had shorter hair most of my adult life. About once a year, I need a gut check and ask DH for honest feedback on whether he’s OK with me rocking short hair. And the reason why? I can’t tell you how many women have told me, “Oh, I love your hair, but my DH would be so sad if I cut it that short.” I think I’m pretty darn feminine with or without short hair, but for a lot of couples, it is definitely A Thing that longer hair = femininity. And that makes me really, really sad for all of us. I guess it’s a good thing that I’m not trying to garner male attention from anyone other than my DH.

    • Anonymous

      Not at all what you’re asking, but allow me to put in a plug for lasik surgery. Best money I ever spent. That said, I 100% did it so that I wouldn’t have to mess with glasses or contacts any more — I’m not sure my husband had a preference one way or another.

      • The original Scarlett

        +1 – I did it a year ago and it is absolutely life changing amazing

        • Anonymous

          + So many

          But it does not last forever. My DH and I both had it done, eyes went to 20/20 for 12 years and then, about age 43, we both started needed reading glasses and now I literally can’t read anything without them. He needs the for a bit more than reading.
          It was a huge game changer for me, definitely no regrets, but most people do need reading glasses, if not regular glasses in later years.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      I think this is very different. Your natural hair texture and unvarnished face are not inherently unkempt!

    • Senior Attorney

      So funny. My adorable husband is the same about curly hair. At the moment I have a Brazilian blowout but I am kind of planning on letting it fade away and going curly for a while. I had curlier hair while we were dating and… well, we ended up married so I know it’s not a dealbreaker.

      He has said that he would really really hate it if I let it go gray and cut it very short. I have no plans to do that so it’s not an issue.

      I do think this is different than being objectively sloppy/dirty, which is what the OP was talking about.

    • Anon

      A), the person you linked to has amazing hair and I would love for my (unruly, wavy) hair to look like that.

      B) I think there’s a big workload difference between always straightening curly hair and for men, trimming a beard or changing out of a hoodie. This leads me to not feel guilty about deciding not to straighten my hair.

    • anon

      Hike at Torrey Pines or just walk around the Prospect area; go to the Museum of Contemporary Arts; check out the seals; have lunch or brunch

  31. Anonymous

    At what age (if at all) would you hesitate to go from an easy 40 hour/wk government job to a 50-70 hour/wk deadline oriented culture (biglaw) because you were worried about whether you could still keep up energy wise? Did biglaw for 9 years so I know what it entails. In government for 4 years and while I’m fine, I’m not happy or challenged and don’t want to stay. Yet when a biglaw type opportunity comes up I find myself saying – I’m 38, can I do what I did at 28 or 33? And then the other part of me is like — there are 50 year olds doing it so what’s the big deal plus it feels a bit now or never; if I get a few more years of easy living under my belt, I really won’t be able to make the switch. Thoughts? No kids so this isn’t a schedule type issue so much as a – can I handle 11 pm nights?

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t make the switch because I have a lot of hobbies and interests that would have to go on the chopping block to enable working until 11 pm. That isn’t worth it to me. I’d look for another job with reasonable hours so you can leave your current one and still have a life.

    • Anon

      You know yourself best, but I don’t think you really age out of this until you’re nearing retirement age. It also depends on how much you prioritize a life outside work. Even in Big Law, I almost always got 8 hours of sleep, even though that meant that a lot of weeks I did essentially nothing except work and sleep. A lot of people care more about having a social life and then it will be harder to get an adequate amount of sleep and do your job well.

      • Anonymous

        I cut out a lot from my life for sleep. A work / sleep life isn’t bad, but I don’t want that when I’m 60 — I want to see my friends. I miss my family. I would love .75 of a BigLaw job.

        • Anon

          Oh, I agree. I was in Big Law in my 20s and this work/sleep only life definitely would not have been sustainable once I had kids (I did see my partner a lot but only because we lived together and he worked flex hours so he’d wait up for me at 2 am and then go into work really late). My point is that sleep isn’t necessarily incompatible with Big Law, it just depends on how much you’re willing else you’re willing to cut out.

    • Anon

      I am now in my early-50s and have to admit that (aside from preferring time for hobbies, family, pets), I just get tired more easily than I did in my early-30s or even my early-40s. I can still work a long week with a lot of travel, but it takes more out of me.

      But I am just one data point. It could just be that I do not sleep as well (perimenopause is real y’all).

  32. Anon

    We did family photos recently and the photographer made my teeth super white, as white as the bright white jeans I was wearing. I feel like they’re a big distraction. It’s where your eye goes first in the photo, and I don’t particularly want people looking at my teeth first (they’re not horribly crooked but not perfectly straight). My teeth are also not that white in real life, so I don’t look like me. I feel silly using such an obviously photoshopped photo on social media, like I don’t like how I look in real life and need to hide behind this fake photo. Is it weird to ask the photographer to reduce it? Or can anyone tell me how to fix it myself? I have Photoshop but am not very adept at it.

    • DLC

      I feel like you can absolutely say something. We had family portraits done a while back and you could see my sister in law’s nipples through her shirt and I asked the photographer if she could fix it, and she did. It was a little awkward, but a good professional photographer wants a happy client and should be willing to help make the pictures look good. Often, too, there is language in the contract as to what kind of touch up can be expected and what kind will cost extra. You could phrase it like, “I’m really happy with the pictures, and I feel awkward even asking, but my teeth came out much whiter than everyone else’s. I find it a little distracting- is there any way you can adjust it? “

    • EM84

      I have a pro photographer in family and it is. normal request. Honestly, thry should not have even done such a huge change without your request. Basic retouching or color-correcting is fine, but startling-white teeth? Drop them an email, they can tone it down in a few mins.

    • Anon

      I agree you shouldn’t hesitate to contact the photographer. But if you want to do it yourself, most digital teeth whitening is just overexposing the teeth, so if you lower the exposure on that part of the photo it will look more natural.

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