Weekend Open Thread

139 Comments

1. Ladies,

   I work in a formal environment and cannot seem to stop sweating through my shirts. I use a deodorant/antiperspirant combo, which smells nice but doesn’t seem to be stopping the sweat. Any suggestions for antiperspirant options?

   Thanks!

   1. Certain-Dri. It really works but it can be tough if you have sensitive skin.

   2. You may need a clinical strength antiperspirant or, alternatively, get dress shields and put them in your shirt to reduce the amount of chemicals you’re putting by your glands. A natural charcoal based deodorant and dress shields have worked wonders for me and I live in a sweatbox 9 mths out of the year.

   3. I personally find antiperspirants actually make me sweat more and have better luck when I use just deodorant.

      1. Me too. I sweated through everything I wore, but it stopped when I started using Native deodorant.

         1. Same. I still sweat sometimes, but no smell. Native is great.

         2. Exactly the same. It seemed to defy logic, but once I stopped using antiperspirant and started using Native, I was so much drier throughout the day.

   4. Certain Dri works, but is very hard on your skin – at least mine. I ultimately decided that the pain was not worth the gain.

      I haven’t tried them, but Numi undershirts were created especially for this purpose. Seems like they should work.

      I’ve also been known to purchase the “pit protectors” and put them in my shirts on days that really matter.

   5. Botox? This is what it was originally invented for.

      1. This! Lifechanging!

   6. Try applying the antiperspirant at night. I think half the magic of Certain Dri is that you apply it at night. Anything that’s “24-hour protection” can be put on the night before. And then you can add deodorant only in the morning.

   7. Try Certain-dri, but if that doesn’t work or at some point stops working, you can get a stronger prescription for a 20% aluminum chloride solution from a dermatologist (with my insurance it was super cheap). That worked for me for years, but eventually stopped, and then I moved to Botox injections (waaaaay more expensive but effective). There is also a procedure called MiraDry that you might want to look into.

2. I have a navy Brooks Brothers skirt suit that fits me very well but I don’t wear it much because it has very traditional styling and feels like a boring/safe interview suit. Favorite ways to style a navy suit to make it more fashion forward and less formal?

   1. Does it have a fun lining? Would you be willing to have a tailor swap out a boring lining with a fun lining? If so, you can role the sleeves and push them back a but so the lining and your wrists are exposed. That tends to take the formality level down.

   2. Get fun colored shirts or tops for under the suit. Or brightly colored scarves. Also think about bright colored shoes (or leopard/floral print).

      1. +1 styling navy with bright florals or leopard

   3. If the color can be tailored, that can give the jacket –and the suit–an entire new look.
      Changing buttons is also a cheap DIY fix.

   4. I would suggest a high end print T Shirt like Ted Baker, and a less classic heel than a pump, or a suede pump in a color that picks up the T Shirt pattern.

3. Ideas for anything active to do outdoors this weekend by myself? I’m in a new city and don’t know anyone. (Actually I’ve been here for a few months but I’ve been hibernating). Just looking to do something alone and enjoy the nice weather we’re finally having but I’m used to living either near mountains or the beach and now I’m no where near either.

   1. Where are you located?
      Do you have a car and can drive out to national/state parks for a day hike?
      Walk around a botanical garden or zoo in your city?

      1. +1 to botanical garden or zoo. Our art museum has beautiful, extensive outdoor grounds that I can’t wait to see next weekend.
         Is your city bike friendly? You could check out bike paths/greenways.

   2. Urban hikes? My coworker who recently moved to our city goes on hikes (both urban city walks and nearby mountains) with meet-up groups that he finds online. You can go to the local parks or small downtown areas, they usually have something going on like arts fair, fruits markets, book sales. I’m in Atlanta and areas like Decatur, Piedmont Park, and the Belt Line are all good for this kind of stuff.

   3. Are there any greenbelts nearby? A day hike would be great if you have nice weather this weekend. Farmers’ markets are also good.

   4. Look for a fun festival! Honestly, if I hadn’t driven 7.5 hrs yesterday (leaving at 5 am and getting home at 7:30 pm) for a meeting out of town yesterday, I’d be driving up to Gonzales for the Food Truck Festival. That sounds like fun to me!

4. What would you wear for a summer wedding at a chateau in the French countryside where the dresscode is stated as casual?

   1. A sundress or maxi dress.

   2. A knee-length dress in a fun color with pretty wedges. I’ve also seen rompers/jumpers or long dresses in more of a nice sundress style. You could do florals, but in my experience the French aren’t big on prints (not that it should stop you, just that it’s probably not what everyone else would wear). I would steer clear of pretty pointy heels – chances are you will be standing on either gravel, uneven pavement or grass for drinks.

   3. Maxi dress in black or navy with a small floral print. Wedge esparilles in case there is grass.

   4. For sure a beautiful wide brimmed hat. I would plan my outfit around the hat.

   5. I would do a fun, floral jumper.

   6. Personally, my top wardrobe priority would be to find out if it’d be within the norm to wear a fun hat and find a fun hat. They’re hard to find in the US, but Etsy can be of help. Also, they’re not too hard to find in Paris.

      Unsolicited advice: try to find a hotel/airbnb walking distance to the venue—it can be hard to get a taxi in the French countryside late at night when everyone else at the venue is also calling for a taxi.

5. I’ll repost here rather than the Weekly News thread in hopes of a few more responses! In good customer service, M Gemi honored my return out of the two week window (my MIL died unexpectedly, and I missed the window by a week). It was a sale item so it’s refund in the form of a store credit. Any styles people can particularly recommend? I got a pair of the Fortuna flats, also on sale, but haven’t worn them yet because: winter. My feet tend to be wide in the toebox so a lot of their pointier styles wouldn’t work for me. Just curious if anyone has some faves.

   1. Hugs about your MIL. I do not have any insight other then to say that I cannot wear flats b/c I need to look as tall as I can b/c of my short legs and long torsoe. My feet are also wide (Dad says I look like Daisy Duck), so my only hope is to find a guy quick b/f I get bunions from my 4″ heels! FOOEY!

   2. I like the Stellato variations. They are my go to for formal flats.

6. I’ve seen this dress in 1000 different patterns from Chinese vendors on Amazon for twenty bucks or less. I think the features are less “unique take” and more “easy for cheap labor to put together”.

7. Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s b/c it is the weekend! I hope the hive had a great week and I will be takeing the weekend off b/c I competed ALL of my March billings today, so I can relax! The manageing partner is giving me a special award for topping his hourly expectations by over 14% he said. So I am getting a cash award this month of $2,000 to be used in anyway I want! I am so happy b/c I can now go home to LI and just sit back and relax and eat! YAY!!!!

8. I have a friend who I’m trying to gracefully break up with. This person is a coworker and has been one of my closest friends for several years. She runs hot and cold toward me and it’s just so exhausting. When she’s running hot she wants to talk everyday and is super caring and interested. When she’s running cold it’s like she wants nothing to do with me. I’ve gotten used to it but have voiced that it’s hurtful when she pushes me away like that. She always apologizes and realizes it’s an issue but keeps doing it. Well it’s been about 3 months now and she’s in the cold phase. During this time I’ve really struggled with other personal issues including the death of a loved one. She knows about this but hasn’t really reached out and I’m just so heartbroken over it. I know that she’ll eventually come around again and want to be close but I just can’t move past this. And I’m just tired of dealing with the hot and cold. It stresses me out. I don’t know how to end the friendship when I see her everyday. And I also worry I’m overreacting or expecting too much from the friendship. I need some perspective.

   1. When she wants to talk all the time and hang out, tell her you’re busy and not much up for it.

   2. You don’t need to formally end the friendship. If she is not contacting you now, do not reach out and contact her. When she contacts you again, respond however you are comfortable. E.g. she suggests getting together for dinner and you reply to decline and do not suggest a new date or you accept or you suggest coffee on another or whatever level of contact you want.

      Do not call her and announce the friendship is over. That is unnecessary and strange. Just be polite and cordial in your work interactions.

      1. This!

   3. This seems like the perfect situation for a slow fade. When she warms back up to you don’t respond. Be polite and superficially friendly at work when you happen to see her. Don’t stop by her work station, don’t proactively get lunch, dodge after work or weekend invitations. She’ll get the message and eventually go permanently cold. That’s how people like that are. They want full control over the relationship and get angry and in turn even colder when they feel like they aren’t controlling the relationship. Life is too short for people like this – a friend is not a friend if they repeatedly ignore you and hurt you through no actions of your own.

   4. Why does she push you away? Unless it’s something on her end like depression or anxiety, it sounds like she’s not a very good friend. AT ALL. I would find this very stressful and I would distance myself from this person. Seems like the cold phase is a good time to do it, because when she comes back, you can remain distant yourself.

9. So I’ve been unhappy in my job for a long time and need to figure out what’s next, but I can’t seem to answer the essential question that both my husband and my mentor have asked me: What do I really love? What do I really want my life to look like? I honestly have no idea anymore. I think it’s partly a stage in life thing — late thirties, two young kids who consume most of my hours outside of work. I spend so much energy keeping the train on the tracks that I barely have time to think about what would actually make me happy. I mean, aside from quitting my job to become a freelance avocado enthusiast, but you know what I mean.

   I’ve given this question a ton of thought and all I accomplish is being frustrated with myself that the answer isn’t coming to me. Any thoughts on how to either a) figure it out, or b) make peace with where I’m at?

   1. I’m in the exact same place except three kids. I’ve thought about SAHM or part time work but I’ve settled on stasis in my current position as I like my day to day work on most days and the pay is reasonable. I’ve leaned out at the office in terms of extra projects and hours and tried to lean into the self care a bit more because I need to be a good place with myself to be a good mom.

      Started therapy and wellbutrin a year ago but not a lot of benefit to date. There are no easy or magic answers. Trying to have it all is hard AF and I’m tired. Tired all the time.

   2. I don’t think the question “what do you really love” is helpful. Most people don’t have passionate hobbies or jobs they’re in love with. I think pursuing the “what do you want your life to look like in X years” is the more relevant question, and to lift the burden, it doesn’t have to be incredibly specific. If you don’t like anything that makes money, it’s a fool’s errand to try to do what you love as a job. Find something that you like enough to tolerate to achieve what you want life to look like. As an example, for me I want:
      1) enough money to pay all my bills with some mild luxuries – which means having an income of Y
      2) have enough time to enjoy the fruits of my labor and spend time with family – which for me means 90% of my work hours fall within the 40 to 45 hr a week range
      3) tolerate my work but enjoy my coworkers – for me this means that the thing I spend most of my days doing is somewhat enjoyable if not for the subject matter then for the people, and working in a laid back, family friendly environment with people with senses of humor.

      In other words, I think they questions you’re asking yourself are too big. Break it down to smaller bits of time and smaller areas of life so it seems achievable and less HUGE. Do I want to have two summer homes, work 30 hrs a week on my passion, make 6 figures, and lay in front of a roaring fire sipping Merlot in winter wearing a chic robe? Of course. But more likely, I can find a job with enjoyable staff that leaves me with time to spend with my friends and family in the evenings and weekends, a reasonable amount of travel, and that won’t stress me to premature grey.

      1. +1000 to this. I’d add that even if you do have passionate hobbies you love and are able to turn those hobbies into a career, the shine will wear off when you’re doing your hobbies as your full-time job. I have a few friends with stereotypical dream jobs (like travel writer or owning a bakery) and I assure you they get just as run down and stressed out about work about work. Hobbies are so much fun precisely because they’re hobbies. They cease being as fun when you’re trying to earn a living at it.

         1. This *is* an awesome answer. Also, a lot of people become entrepreneurs to try to turn a hobby into a business and hate it, because, for example, loving to bake and loving RUNNING A BAKERY are not the same thing. So just figuring out what you love isn’t necessarily helpful. I think the question of what do you want your life to look like, and what steps to take to get you there, are much more helpful.

      2. This is such a great answer.

         1. +1. I feel like guidance counselors should print this and give it to their seniors.

      3. I’ve read your comment over a few times — so wise and helpful. Thank for taking the time to write!

   3. Is your husband a good thought partner in this kind of thing? What about hiring a babysitter during a Saturday morning or some other when you are well rested and go for a long walk with him to talk about this? Maybe think about how to structure the discussion, but also let it flow? This may not be your style but we’ve gotten to a lot of important decisions this way, but it’s harder to do when you have little kids to take care of all day and are too tired to think straight at night!

   4. I support your ambitions to become a freelance avocado enthusiast :)

      1. I would like to be an assistant avocado enthusiast so, y’know, HMU if this business starts rolling.

   5. Several years ago I made a mental shift where I just don’t look for personal fulfillment at work – mainly because I don’t think I’ll ever find it. I have a job that is OK but pretty boring, but is very lucrative with predictable hours, 6 weeks of vacation, my commute is short, and my co-workers are pleasant. The only thing I work for are the paychecks. Once I have enough saved for retirement (I have a set number), I’ll just drop the mike and stop working. Is this an approach you could take? It sounds depressing, but it is not. It is very relieving and calming to have such clarity of purpose of why I am working.

      That being said, I have vast amounts of interests outside of work. Those are my passions, and I can’t wait to have all day every day to pursue those interests. I surf, cycle, run, swim, golf, snowboard, read, cook, bake, garden, can, spend time with my husband/family/friends, travel, etc. Saving money from my job will let me do that full time.

      1. I could have (but didn’t) write this article: https://qz.com/819233/do-what-you-love-is-bad-advice-work-for-money-not-for-passion/

         1. Great article – describes my life too.

      2. I really agree with this. My life improved significantly when I started caring a little less about my job. I still do it well, take it seriously, and care about my coworkers, but feel less responsibility to make the place work better, on a systemic level.

      3. This is how I approach work as well. Sure, I’m damn good at my work, it wasn’t something I enjoyed doing! This mindset shift has helped me remove the stress tremendously! I also stopped associating my self esteem with my job and looked for personal fulfillment elsewhere.

   6. In a similar position, but no kids. I’ve been doing the same type of work for years and I’m not sure that it’s where I want to be anymore. The best solution for me was to get a career coach. She helped me through the process of identify what’s important to me and then finding roles that could be good fits. Career coaching isn’t very regulated, so it’s hard to know what kind of coach you might get. Check into some – word of mouth referrals are great – and see if you click with anyone. I think a good coach should give you his/her background so you know where they’re coming from, along with a free intro session to see how the actual coaching would work.

10. Ladies, what is important to you in a preschool for your child? What do you prioritize/ what are you willing to compromise on? TIA!

    1. Play based and lots of outdoor time. We went with a forest preschool in the end because we weren’t satisfied with the outdoor time at other places.

       1. Ha, in contrast I would have loved to find one that had no/minimal outdoor time. I’m a freak about sun safety and don’t trust teachers to apply sunscreen as carefully and religiously as I would. But in our state, an hour of outdoor time is standard for a half day program and two hours for a full day program. I think it may even be a licensing requirement.

          1. Yikes, really? I would hate to send my kid to a place with minimal outdoor time because of sun. It’s pretty easy to put your kids in long sleeved sunshirts and a hat.

             1. Long-sleeved shirts don’t work when it’s 90 degrees half the year, and a lot of kids aren’t great about keeping hats on.

          2. Our forest school has good sun safety practices around staying in the shade of the forest during the mid-day and using hats/sun clothing as alternatives to or in addition to sunscreen reapplication constantly.

             Outdoors time has been shown to have positive effects on mental health, reduce stress, improve focus and reduce myopia so we weighed those against sun safety concerns which we felt could be mitigated.

             1. I think this varies by family. I really value outdoor time but fair skin, genetics and a history of skin care on both sides of the family mean we have to weigh sun safety more heavily than we’d like.

             2. My child is 3 and is fully capable of applying sunscreen everywhere needed on her own (because we trained her and teachers reinforce it). I wouldn’t have trusted her too much earlier but she also wasn’t really exploring the outdoors at 1.

    2. https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2018/04/early-childhood-outdoor-education/558959/

    3. teacher to child ratio, as well as SOMEONE in the room having an education degree

    4. Layers of supervision. I am not the most trusting mom in the world.

    5. Staff continuity, sense of community, outdoor time, and to a certain extent kids that she’ll go to elementary school with. Our town has 6-7 great programs and of the 3 closest to me, I picked one where at least 1-2 other kids would go with her to elem school.

    6. Honestly? As a part of a two full time working couple with inflexible jobs: hours, location, and the fact that ours provides lunch is a huge bonus.

       We also happen to love ours (they have very low staff turnover, good outdoor time, other parents recommended it etc etc) but I firmly believe that life is hard enough and logistics have to play a role. For us at least.

       1. Same- I always jk that the closer the daycare, the lower my standards, lol.

    7. Staff turnover (ours has some there 30 years and several 10+), outdoor time, staff ratio, play based/little formal “instruction “, focus on social development, incorporation of music, religious programming, operating hours, distance from home. Ours has a Reggio -Emilia focus but I could take or leave it.

    8. You got some great answer above. I’ll just add that you may not have as much a choice in this as you plan on while pregnant because it might turn out that only one place will have a spot for your child when you need it. Unless you can stretch maternity leave you might have to be happy with a place that is safe (i.e. more than one caretaker and no creepy feelings upon visit).

11. Question – what is the going rate where you are for a blow-dry, and is it more if it’s a “style”? I paid like $45 last time I got one in Boston and the suburbs, but just got one in DC that was $65 (she did like 2 minutes with the curling iron) and that struck me as awfully high – I have hair between chin and shoulder!

    1. $65 seems high. I’m in the Bay Area and usually pay about $50+tip for a blow dry of shoulder length hair. I get my hair blown straight and there’s always a straightener involved as well as a dryer. It sort of makes sense to me that curls would be more expensive, because they normally take longer, but I’m not sure if people actually charge more for that.

    2. Going rate in Chicago is about $40-45, but the norm is to tip really well

    3. My haircut and style in Old Town Alex is $85 before tip.

       You gotta keep your eyes peeled if you’re getting your hair done downtown – you can end up at a $190 place if you’re not careful.

12. For people who are into nail polish – what colors are you into now? What colors are definitely out? Is Ballet Slippers still safe?

    1. Ballet Slippers is still safe (and always will be?). I got on the white train last summer and really liked it. I just got hot pink on my toes and off to pick out something to put on my fingers myself. I have no idea what the newest style is, though.

       1. *and am off to pick out

    2. I’ve always loved bright colors, reds, and deep reds, and always will. :) I recently got a bright orange that I love from OPI, and a set of reds from Deborah Lippman.

    3. ballet slippers is still safe. White still feels fresh for summer but struggling with a good spring color – thinking of light grey.

    4. OPI i64/Aurora Berryalis in gel. I have the matching non-gel on my toes.

    5. My current nod to spring (lighter) but still Lent is Essie Cocktail Bling. No idea why it’s called that because it’s a fairly simple light gray. Pretty neutral. I normally go for blue purples, either dark (Zoya Prim) or light, like periwinkle (Essie Bikini so Teeny). In the winter, I sometimes go with gunmetal (Zoya Freja).

    6. I wore Ballet Slippers for my wedding in 2009. I think it’s safe but not particularly trendy.

13. I need to give a presentation to clients next week and am at the awkward stage in my pregnancy where I’ve outgrown my suit pants but haven’t bought maternity suit pants yet (several are coming in the mail!). Can I wear a somewhat structured black jersey dress + gray blazer? With pearls and heels will this be business-y enough for a presentation?

    1. Yes of course

    2. Of course! It sounds great.

14. Best under-dress shorts for chub rub/thigh chafing? I was using cotton bike shorts but it appears they’re no longer made. The Jockey slip shots roll up on me and drive me crazy. I’m a plus size but can generally wear XL (or XXL if offered.)

    This is sparked by the instagram ad for the Knix version but they really look like they’d roll up.

    1. I am a huge fan of Bandalettes (www.bandelettes.com) – lacy thigh bands rather than shorts. Much cooler and I far prefer the look.

    2. I like Vassarette invisibly smooth slip shorts, available on Amazon. They’re thinner and smoother than the Jockey version. They may run a bit small – I wear a size XL 8 in this, but my panties are all size 7.

    3. Men’s cotton boxer briefs (worn as underwear)! So much better than the slip shorts, which tend to be made of hot synthetics.

       1. +1. I love CRISP brand (no hole in front).

    4. Are you wearing the Slipshorts in the short or long? Just asking because the short ones roll up on me, but the long ones stay put. Also the ones they make for Target are kinda crap.

       Sorry not to have any helpful brand suggestions; I’m on Team Jockey Slipshorts and wear them every single day during no-tights season.

15. How long did it take for tooth sensitivity to get better for you after professional teeth whitening? I just got Boost whitening done at the dentist and holy…I will never get this done again. For one, I’m not that impressed with the results, and two, the pain is excruciating. And it’s not from consuming cold drinks or anything, it’s just shooting pain as I sit here.

    1. Start using toothpaste for sensitive teeth. It helps immensely. I don’t feel like it cleans my teeth as well as regular toothpaste, so I use regular toothpaste and brush on the sensitive stuff for 30 seconds afterward.

       1. I learned the first time I did this to take Xanax and Advil ahead of time. It helped a lot.

    2. I did it in my 20s and man oh man, worst pain ever. I think it took a couple of days to subside… never again!

       1. Agreed. I also did this in my 20s–and, never again! The lift that I get from Crest White strips has been perfectly good for me ever since.

    3. Pain killers if you experience serious pain and very gently brush your teeth with hypersensitivity toothpaste. Toothpaste have different ingredients and mode of action – you may react better with TPs covering exposed dentine (like Sensodyne Repair Protect or Rapid Relief) or “calming” irritative nerve endings in exposed dentine (basic Sensodyne).
       I would even apply a thin layer of sensitivity TP over teeth after you are done brushing and leave it overnight, so that you can cover the exposed dentine asap.
       My pain lasted for 2-3 days, but I had thhe at-home trays (Philips Zoom) and it was worth it, as my teeth were heavily stained due to medication.

       1. Can I ask you more about your experience? My daughter had a course of antibiotics for surgery when she was young, and her dentist says that’s why her teeth are pretty yellow. Sounds like you may have been in the same boat? Did you try Crest Whitestrips first and did they do any good? Did you find that treating yellowish teeth due to medication was any different than treating teeth stained due to tea, etc.? Thanks!

          1. I am based in Europe and the offer of higher-efficacy whitening products is different vs the US (we have stricter limitations on products with peroxide). Apart from basic whitening toothpastes, I haven’t tried anything else. Only after my medication treatment was done and I had a round of good cleaning done at dental hygiene office, I went for professional whitening (after discussing with my hygienist). She recommended at-home variant with lower concentration of peroxide (I think 8%), which I was supposed to use for 7-10 consecutive nights. She has done trays for me in the office and sent me home with gels. After first night, I was shocked! I haven’t expected such visible difference – I could have ended the whitening treatment after one night. But I continued for 3 more nights to ensure I had even effect. He pain started to show after 3-4th night, at which point I started introducing one night on-one night off regime. I aleays used Sensodyne Repair & Proect or Rapid (morning, evening), whichever I had at hand.
             I think that the tretment works equally well for discolored teeth from meds as well as stined teeth (I had some stains on the inside of lower teeth (coffee, tea).
             The peroxide from trays went pretty deep, so I would expect it to work better than toothpastes and slightly better vs Crest stripes (however, as I said, I haven’t tried them). Hope it helps. My hygienist was very helpful in the process – not pushing, explaining all options, suggested to started with the lowest concentration of peroxide and them – if needed – to build up.

16. Looking for help since I can’t find any information on this online.
    After googling myself I realized that my marriage record is listed on genlookups and I would like to have it removed due to privacy concerns. What is the best way to go about this? Are they legally required to remove them upon request?
    Thank you :)

    1. I doubt that you can remove it. For one thing, it’s a public record like a death certificate. And second, because once something is out there, it’s hard to put the genie back in the bottle.

       My marriage record is available via ancestry[dot]com when I type in my name as is my parent’s. And I found the record of a cousin’s parents.

    2. I don’t think you’ll be able to have this removed. Marriages are public records.

       1. There is a type of marriage in ca that is not public record- just an fyi in case you are on the best coast.

17. Where do you buy swimsuits for water sports like sup and wakeboarding? I need something that will hold my ladies up/in. Used to buy Calavera but they went out of biz.

    1. speedo

    2. Title Nine has great stuff.

    3. I wear board shorts and a rash guard with a regular sports bra. Keeps everything contained and minimizes sun exposure.

       1. +1 to board shorts and a rash guard, I burn super easily and this offers more protection. Athleta has really cute rashguard ‘dresses’ that I like to wear at the beach/canoeing/kayaking but they’d shift around too much for something like SUP I think.

    4. Swim Outlet (dot com)

18. I have never dated a co-worker, but there is a guy at work who I’m interested in. I overheard a conversation that makes me think he is interested in me (along with a couple of other less obvious but still noticeable signs). We don’t work directly with each other and would never need to interact for work reasons. But in our organization, my position is “higher” for lack of a better word and I’ve also been there much longer and know everyone. Given our respective roles and tenure, and because he seems shy and nice, I question whether he will ever ask me out. Would it be wildly inappropriate (or even semi-inappropriate) for me to approach him? And if so, could I do it through one of his co-workers who I know well and trust? This all sounds so high school, and is making me cringe just typing it out….I appreciate any advice, especially from ladies who dated at work, for better or worse.

    1. First try orchestrating a group event that he’s invited to – like a happy hour or trivia night or something. Or a lunch. Basically, try to establish a social relationship with him first and see how that goes. I’ve dated guys that I work with but typically we didn’t go from “just co-workers” to “dating” – there was quite a bit of time spent being work buddies – eating meals together, chatting about stuff on Messenger, etc. So maybe see if he can become a work friend first. That will also help you figure out if you really want to date him.

       1. I wish all dating was like this–hang out and see if we can be buddies first.

          1. Me too!

       2. +1. It’s fine to date a co-worker but pretty weird to just tell him or a co worker that you like him. Initiate conversations, hanging out, etc. That gives him a more graceful out if he’s not interested, and you save face.

       3. I like this idea!

19. One of my direct reports has been falsely accused of mobbing (her direct report). There will be corporate investigation and I hope it will help clean her name and set the record straight, but I am afraid that one of our colleagues (who doesn’t like her) may add oil to the fire.
    I feel sorry for my direct report as she hired the “victim” and supported her from day one and this is such a bad thing to happen as a return. I am also disappointed by my other employee for taking such an extreme measure – instead of admitting she is in the wrong role, overstimated her potential and moved to a different role. She did not even talk to me about her feeling mobbed and instead acted on a stupid advice of someone else.
    Has anyone been through this? How can I support my (wrongly) accused direct report?
    And once the investigation is over, how do I deal with the accuser? Thanks!

    1. What is mobbed?

       1. Workplace bullying and harassment. The term is more common in Europe.

    2. What is mobbing? I’m so confused.

    3. I work in these investigations in the US. You should tell the truth to the investigator(s) and they in turn will likely tell you if the allegations are founded (more than likely to be true) or unfounded. Many investigators will also make recommendations, or discuss with the company legal counsel to come up with next steps.

       I’d add thaf things are not always as they seem – sometimes there is shocking behavior that is hidden from all but a select few, and sometimes people have a history of maling allegations.

       1. Thank you. I intend to tell the truth (my experience from the interactions I had with both parties) and stay open – as you say, here might be something going below the radar.

          1. “Kiss up, kick down” is an actual thing. She may be pretending to support the employee, but actually be sabotaging her.

             Ask me how I know.

20. Probably too late to get a response, but here’s a try. I’m looking for a light colored bootie for spring to wear to work. Preferably something I can wear without socks as it gets warmer. I was thinking something with a cutout or perforation. I’m looking at Sole Society Azure in the blush and Seychelles All Together in sand. Any thoughts? Other ideas?

    1. https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/sofft-canobie-bootie-women/5048706?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpm&utm_campaign=2836_j009167_3657&utm_content=%20gieao_DCOImage_computers&utm_term=43631756369&utm_channel=display_ret_p&sp_source=google&sp_campaign=2836_j009167_3657&&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIv_LywL6n4AIVCdvACh2jKw57EAEYASABEgIxVvD_BwE

       Maybe these? I just purchased them in black and they are very comfortable. The perforations do show anything ped-type footie you wear with them – I had to get nude for me ones.

    2. Blondo Victoria in pink. I could seriously walk miles they are so comfy and the stand up well to dirt and rain.

       1. I couldn’t find the pink Blondo in my size. Ended up ordering the Sole Society Azure with a coupon. We’ll see!

    3. Check out Lucky Brand at Nordstrom. The Pakpao is very similar to ones I got (now thinking of switching) but there are others that fit your general description. My other Lucky Brand shoes have been workhorses for years.

21. Tried on some clothing at Nordstrom’s this weekend after a long shopping break and trying to figure out if the sizing has changed again or the trends are at fault. Many blouses I tried on that looked pretty classic on the hanger were inappropriately deep in the V neck on me, like down to base of my sternum. Is this a trend? Or did everything go up by a half size? I’m a pretty small person (5’2, size 6-ish) and my b**bs are average but pretty high on my body (like 1.5 palm widths between clavicle and n*pple). I already avoid anything with side darts but haven’t had this issue before. I don’t usually buy petite because I’m long torsoed and don’t like cropped styles. Should I be shopping petites? Or do I need to wait for this trend to go by?

22. I’m hoping to get some advice from those who have been here before. I’m 35, married, mom to a one year old toddler, Vice President in a medium sized corporation, overall life is on track. BUT, for the past eight years or so I’ve been daydreaming about returning to school for an MD degree. I know at my age it’s unlikely that I would ever work in a competitive speciality and given I earn well my husband is really against it. One of his close friends is a doctor and he thinks his life (shift work, high stress) is not worth it. The reason I didn’t act on this dream earlier is because I kept convincing myself that when I get to the next level I’ll be happy and maybe I’ll enjoy my career more and for the most part I do and I enjoy a good lifestyle. As a way to talk myself out of it and the cost of tuition plus the opportunity cost of not working for several years would be significant. I’m interested in others who have been here before, maybe left a lucrative career to train as a lawyer, psychologist, teacher whatever and also those who contemplated it but decided against it.

    1. Your husband is correct that doctors are having a hard time right now. The suicide rates alone would give me pause. I have heard MD/PhDs say that they’re happier. I’ve also heard that the “direct care” movement has helped some primary care physicians. But in general, make sure that you’re not daydreaming the very same daydreams as the unhappy MDs who wish that being a doctor meant what it used to mean!

       Have you considered doing work like the work you do now but in health care?

    2. I did (not doctor) it at a later age and the self gratification was so worth it. Ultimately decided not to do the new work. Was it a waste of time & money~ to some, perhaps. But it was my life, my choice. And. Yes. I would do it again if a longing arose.

       As advice to your dilemma, 1) go speak with an advisor at the school and do a deep inquiry into the program of interest~no commitment, and 2) if possible ask someone at a specialty you are interested in if you could shadow them and see what the work was really like in the day to day. Ideally no one you know as to keep any biases at bay. Anonymity is your friend on this.

       Ultimately though, that time out professionally had zero impact on my ability to secure a comparable professionally compensated role to that I’d left when I returned to school as a grown up.

       The most important thing it did was it
       satusfied the yearning thereby giving me freedom to fully step in to the life I was living in a much more refreshed way.

    3. I had a colleague/friend that wanted to go back to school and she was 36, married with a 4 years old and established with her career. She applied and was accepted. It’s been 8 years ans she has now completed her residency to be a family doctor (wanted initially to be a surgeon but at the same time realize that it would take an additional 5-7 years). She has no regret. Her husband was reluctant at the beginning but then was fully on board once he saw how happy she was. There was a lot of sacrifices from her side also and they had to relocate since she was accepted at a university at 5 hours from Montreal (we are Canadian ). If you sent me your email adress (or a burner one) i can put you in contact with her if you want – keeping in mind that the Quebec reality might be different than yours but still i know she would be more than happy to answer any question you have.

    4. An MD is a huge financial investment – tuition is several hundred thousand, plus four years of earning $0 and then you have years in low-paying training programs, and it seems doubtful you’d end up earning way more than you do now. Overall, it would probably be a $1M + hit to your finances (versus staying in your current career). I don’t think I’m terribly money-driven compared to many people here (my philosophy is that I need to earn enough to pay my bills and take some nice vacations, but beyond that I want to be enjoying life, not chasing extra money), but I understand your husband’s hesitation about taking such a big financial hit as you approach mid-life, a time when most people are getting more financially secure. What about being an MD appeals to you? I think there are probably ways you can find a job that has some of the same elements. It might be a paycut from your current salary, but if you didn’t have to pay any tuition or go four years without earning income, it would be a much smaller financial hit. If you can’t get away from the pull to be a healthcare provider, I highly recommend looking at nursing over being a doctor. It doesn’t have the same amount of prestige, but the training is a lot cheaper and shorter and the day-to-day work is similar (unless you’re more interested in the research side of medicine). Also consider volunteer work or a paid side gig. I love working with kids and sometimes daydream about being a teacher, but I know realistically I could never manage a classroom full of kids by myself. I scratch that itch through one-on-one tutoring. I have a friend that toyed with going to law school because she loved the idea of advocating for marginalized people. After doing more research and realizing how few lawyers actually advocate for marginalized people, she ended up staying her career but going through training to become a Court Appointed Special Advocate for abused or neglected children. She’s making the kind of difference she hoped to make as a lawyer and didn’t have to spend 3 years and $150,000 to get there.

    5. Could you compromise and be a PA?

Comments are closed.