Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Cowl-Neck Silk Blouse

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1. This isn’t a gender identity post, but just my feelings about my place in the world. I was clearly in with my fellow girls and women, maybe up to my late 20s. Then, many got married and had kids. I worked, and in a field that is mostly men. I always felt out of place socially, outside of work, like in my home area or socializing in my big city, because I had less and less of my time spent in a way that seemed relatable. No one seemed to want to be my friend if I wasn’t free Tuesdays at 10 for coffee or yoga. Also, married men didn’t socialize with single women, especially once their lives were busy with kids. I fit in nowhere. Now that kids are leaving home and we all have aging parents, it seems that age is the great equalizer and now we have things occupying our days and minds in common, so I am glad to have new friends or acqaintances not roll their eyes at my being out of sync. It’s the one upside of having aging parents. But the journey has been lonely and sad to get here.

   1. I was in this spot, and with shift work to boot. I found my people, because waiting around for 20 years for others kids to grow up and whatnot wasn’t the least bit appealing. When you don’t fit the mold, you have to make your own way. Possibly the only upside to having been pretty mercilessly bullied as a little kid and kind of odd as an adult was figuring that out young.

   2. I didn’t marry or have kids. I did lose some school girlfriends when they got married and seemed only to want to socialize with me if I was in a couple (explicitly stated), even though I had hung out with them and their partners some before they got married. But I did make friends with women at work (law, so not just men, and friends are not just lawyers). And I made a life in neighborhoods where there are not a lot of kids or stay-at-home parents–frankly, in urban neighborhoods in not-great school districts. Maybe that is why I have never once been asked to do something at 10am on a weekday or even to play tennis at 5pm. This is not a criticism of your choices at all, just maybe a “hack” for young people in similar shoes trying to find a fulfilling way forward.

      1. I live in a historic brownstone. The whole row is owned by DINKS, it’s technically in a great od school district but the houses are too expensive for most parents and don’t really support car culture.

         1. Oh. It sounds like you may be in an enclave of people who live a life of leisure. I can’t relate to that.

            1. Nope we all work

            2. People without kids still work and have bills to pay!

   3. Do women with kids not work where you are? I don’t think I’ve done coffee at 10am on a weekday in a decade. I’d say probably 75% of my woman lawyer colleagues are moms from babies to university aged kids. One of my closest friends in the last ten years is CBC. I love that our chats don’t revolve around kids but she’s empathetic when I need to change plans for a sick kid because she knows I have her back the same way when her elderly dog changes her plans. I never thought I’d be a team sports practice at 7am on Sunday person but honestly it’s pretty fun and I like showing my kids that making new friends and trying new activities isn’t just something for kids.

      Glad you’re reconnecting with people now but if you find the aging parents connection to be a downer, try reaching out and making new connections in other areas with new activities. You’re never too old to make new friends.

      1. Where I live the only other working moms are teachers or nurses, and the nurses work odd shifts so they are mostly home during the day. The vast majority of moms are SAHMs. They all made friends in one particular MOPS group when their kids were small and now don’t have the need or time to make new friends. I have lots of warm acquaintances but no real friends here.

         1. Ugh move

            1. I posted below; in the same situation as the Anonymous above.

               My 2025 goal is to move somewhere else and take my kid with me. I don’t want to raise a child in an environment that makes The Stepford Wives look progressive.

         2. Can you join some out of neighborhood activities or is it like this in the whole town?

         3. What about at work? I’ve made all of my best friends at the office. I also don’t subscribe to the theory of not making work friends, that’s one of the very best benefits of a job.

            1. 1. Who even goes into an office or is around co-workers enough to make friends.
               2. As a working mom, I come and go and work in a blur. Work is just business. I’d love time for chit-chat, but I am robbing peter to pay paul with time and stretching 6 hours of billable work over 12+ hours (I’m PT and flexing and still it’s no picnic). Maybe I will get it when the kids are old enough to drive or in college?

            2. Umm lots of people? Sounds like something you don’t prioritize but it is a great way to meet people and make friends. Sorry you don’t realize that.

         4. I live in a town with a lot of stay at home moms, but I have found there are also many working women, we are just harder to find. We don’t show up regularly to anything so you have to find us elsewhere. I make it to every other baseball game, and I’m usually a bit late in my work clothes. I’m rarely at the mid-day school activities unless they’re really special (and then I am spending time with my kid, not chatting with the other parents). My neighborhood has a recently-started working moms group, and I have been shocked to see how many women are in it, and how many of them are total badasses – c-suite, executives, doctors, etc. I had been feeling lonely and like I was one of a few, but in fact am not. I am not sure this helps you though, as honestly, I am always feeling like I don’t have time for friends between work and family, except to say we’re out there.

            1. Yup. I have found this, too. There are plenty of working moms in other professions, we’re just harder to find. I know that’s probably not comforting, but you also don’t need a big pack of people. Something that I had to learn the hard way is that choosing friends based on parenting status alone doesn’t necessarily lead to fulfilling relationships. You still have to mesh as individuals!

            2. Yes — it’s like we become invisible AND invisible to each other. And I think that’s more true as you get promoted — guys are less likely to have working wives the more successful they are (and the older their kids get), so becoming work friends with guys is just harder to navigate also. I’m just lonely in the friend space (I’m happily married, but lost my friends because I got married late and by then most friends had kids and didn’t socialize with me anymore, even though I’m now married, I’m at the wrong stage still) — I don’t want to steal your husband.

         5. Where do you live? That so far from my experience, I can’t even imagine it

         6. My area has a lot of lawyers who no longer practice, nurses who work a few shifts here and there, and people who are interior decorators but my sense is that they just use that to work on their house and beach house and get in the local fancy magazines for their latest remodel (like I don’t think they take on clients, but being known as a woman with good taste and a nice house seems to be very highly regarded over something like being a surgeon or in BigLaw, at least among a certain set).

            1. Wealthy affluent western Chicago suburb has entered the chat.

      2. where i live a lot of women who do work seem to have a lot of flexibility and many work from home, even doctors! i spend my entire day on zoom calls on my WFH days and have to block my calendar in advance to do something during a work day, which i do sometimes do.

   4. I hear you. It’s weird when it’s socially unacceptable to have friends or the opposite sex. I feel like it doesn’t just cut my potential friend pool in half; it’s harder for me to get along with women who never, ever have man friends. So it’s lonely.

      This hit home the other day. I was talking to a woman at church who insisted on speaking to me in such a feminine way, it made my skin crawl. Repeating herself over and over, acting like my fragile emotions were wounded, not being able to give me basic information (like who I should contact). Lady, I can handle hearing “you need to fill out this form before your child enrolls in this class.” It makes my flesh crawl to have it overladen with all this emotional bs, because that feels like manipulation to me.

      1. Wow this is giving real “pick me” vibes

         1. Wow. No it isn’t. When people speak to me in a super “caring” but obstructive way, it makes my skin crawl, too.

            1. Thanks. It’s bad around here. I was even told ***in therapy*** that I needed to speak in a more feminine manner and it was “uncomfortable” for the therapist to listen to me speak directly.

               Sure, I fired her, but that is the type of bs that is endemic in a world in which people don’t have platonic male-female friendships.

            2. I find the assumption that people don’t have platonic male-female friendships odd. Both DH and I have work friends who are male or female. We don’t see them much outside the occasional work lunch or similar activity as our lives are busy with other friends/kids/elderly parents.

               As we’ve gotten older, I find myself having more friendships that are situationally specific. Like running or yoga friends who don’t know my work lunch friends etc. It’s not high school with a specific clique and BFFs. But YMMV of course.

            3. It’s definitely cultural. I have lived in about six different states and only encountered it here.

         2. Can you help me understand how this term applies here? I thought I knew how it was used but now I don’t think that I do. Gen X.

            1. I think the person who used “pick me” meant “NLOG” or “not like other girls” which is a form of “pick me” and/or “pick me” is a form of NLOG. “Pick me” is a woman who values male attention and approval above anything else, including female solidarity and will do things like put down other women to get this approval. NLOG is a type where women deride “feminine” things like the color pink, makeup, high heels, etc, sometimes for male approval (hence the pick me side) sometimes for other reasons.
               I don’t agree that OP is “pick me” btw, I’m just explaining!

         3. Sounds like a you problem, Roxie!

         4. Mmm. Opposite of pick me. She doesn’t like people pleasing women and neither do I. But, I am one of those women who email like a man.

      2. This tone annoys me too. At work I’m used to most problems being technical or procedural and disagreements being handled by either giving the person the correct process or knowledge, or arguing out which approach has better merits.
         The very touchy-feely loads of words and validation just makes me feel like I’m being condescended to while my time is wasted.
         I actually don’t think it’s an accident. I think it’s what people mean when they say to kill someone with kindness or give “bless your heart” kinds of clap-back responses on this blog.

         1. Sure, and it’s also emphasized in customer service – so people are reacting to 20 years of waiting on hold for an hour, and then hearing someone read from a script “I understand your issue and I would like to assure you I am going to resolve it for you” when.. spoiler, they haven’t understood and they’re not gonna fix it. I don’t mind if people have a naturally very warm or nurturing style as long as what they’re saying is actually true!

         2. “I actually don’t think it’s an accident.”

            I think it’s sexism (from both men and some women). Get women to talk in circles, focus on feelings, ignore the obvious solution, assume that fellow women are fragile, nurture nurture nurture. That creates dysfunctional speech patterns that leave women ill-equipped to handle issues and problem solve.

            1. In a lot of cases I think it is stupidity on the part of the speaker rather than sexism. Dumb people don’t have anything of substance to say so they talk in circles about nothing in an emotive style.

      3. You think that not giving you basic information is “speaking in a feminine way”? You think that “emotional BS” is a feminine trait?

         Gee no wonder it’s hard for you to get along with women. Your anecdote, btw, was unrelated to your complaints about friendship, but certainly illustrates your view of women.

         1. Do you feel better after unloading on me like that? If you don’t, go ahead and do it again – IDGAF.

            1. So hard to see why you can’t make friends.

            2. No one “unloaded” on you….but I guess you do get offended when someone uses direct language and doesn’t take special care to protect your emotions. What on earth!

            3. I have plenty of friends, and her language was cruel, not direct. Sorry you lack the social skills to understand the difference.

         2. PS. Get help. Your reaction to me is unhinged.

         3. Whatever. It annoys me (not the poster you’re responding to) when men do it, too. But there is a type of person who tries to insinuate themself into your life with “but how ARE you?” and attempts to penetrate a part of you that is absolutely none of their business for whatever reason. It’s not bonding, it’s invasive. My actual friends have never approached me this way.

            1. Exactly. If it’s not an emotional issue, why make it emotional? “Here’s the paperwork.” “May I have the Kleinman file?” “What day can you drop off your car to have the brakes done?”

      4. If someone speaking to you in a feminine way makes your skin crawl, it’s time to look in the mirror.

         1. Define “a feminine way.” I’m a woman and do not relate to this phrase. What do you mean when you say this (not necessarily what the earlier poster meant by the type of language that rightfully makes her skin crawl.)

            1. The problem is that she’s framing a way of speaking that makes her skin crawl *because* it’s feminine. Substitute “feminine” with any other group identity adjective and the issue should be very obvious.

            2. Find a better adjective that describes how it’s something almost exclusive to women.

               I’ll wait.

            3. Furthermore, this board absolutely believes that there is some garbage that is almost exclusive to men. Sure we might know some overly confident, mediocre women, but there’s a reason why people here say “have the confidence of a mediocre white man.” But we can’t say that anything remotely negative or annoying is almost exclusive to women? Interesting.

               And finally, saying that ONE characteristic is bad isn’t like saying everything associated with that thing is bad. “She has this totally American habit of eating feast food.” “OMG you hate America and no wonder no one likes you, you unpatriotic ungrateful swine.” That’s what you all sound like, and it’s whacked.

            4. I actually don’t find her description of the way the women at her church spoke to match with common female speech mannerisms at all; to me, they seem like those of someone who is really insecure and I’ve witnessed them in men and women.

               For the record, I really dislike the “mediocre white man” trope. It’s a hackneyed way to talk about privilege and does nothing to further progress.

               Look, we disagree and that’s okay. I thought the OP made comments that came across as overly judgmental and that she became combative when others saw it that way, too. I’m guessing it didn’t come across that way to you.

               I am really tired of the “go ahead, I’ll wait” thing. I’d rather have conversations than just trade clapbacks. But I guess I’ve learned my lesson since this isn’t the place for it.

   5. It’s hard; I was really busy with my practice and the other working women I met were similarly busy, so it was hard to make friends. With the pandemic I was able to connect with work colleagues, former work colleagues and friends who had gotten lost along the way. I still keep some Zooms on calendar with those who are remote, and rekindled in persons with some of the folks who are local.

   6. I am glad you have made some new friends! You are never too old to make a new friend or to reconnect with someone in the past! I don’t make friends easily and am very happy to just sit at home, so I have to push myself to join things or accept an invite (or make an invite!). I think that volunteering is another way to get out there and meet like- minded people.

   7. I’m late 50s. I’ve been through various seasons of friendships in my life. My oldest friend is my best friend from high school. She didn’t go to college and I did, so we diverged, and now she lives across the country from me. But we are still friends. It’s one of those friendships where we pick up where we left off immediately whenever we see each other.

      I have college friends I do a lunch or dinner or activity with I’d say four times a year. They’re not the friends I expected to have long term friendships with, but it has worked out that way and I love them.

      I have kids in their early 20s now, and I had mom friends from their activities when they were up to high school age, but none of those friendships have stood the test of time.

      When my kids were really little, preschool through end of elementary school ages, so many of the moms I met were SAHMs who didn’t like me just because I was a working mom, so those friendships obviously never got off the ground, even if we managed to get along well for an hour or two at a birthday party.

      I have really good from every one of my jobs over the years. The majority of my long term friends I met at work are child free and we always got along great – for me, my friendships are a break from mothering, and I don’t need to spend our entire time together detailing the latest pediatrician visit or parent teacher conference. Those are still my closest friends.

      Since 2020, working from home now, I’ve made two new friends – one is a neighbor and we go on walks together, which I really enjoy, and another is a fellow dog owner I met walking my dog. The latter is sort of hot and cold on our friendship, which recently made me think it wasn’t going to work as a real friendship because I’m not sure how into it she is. Not least because I don’t want to deal with her being enthusiastic about getting together one day, then seeming mad at me the next, but I’ve decided to come from a place where I can just enjoy her company when she’s willing to give it. Walking neighbor has kids my kids’ age, dog friend is a never married child free woman a bit younger than me.

      It’s funny to me how much time I spend maintaining my casual and close female friendships whereas my husband pretty much never gives his own friendships a second thought. The wife of a guy he sees once or twice a week for a hobby died recently, and I was saying to my husband that we needed to go to the memorial for his friend’s wife, and my husband denied they were friends. I was like, dude, you spend hours every week with this guy in a small group, of course you’re friends. To my husband, his friends are his two best friends from high school decades ago.

   8. +1

2. I’m heading to New York soon for business and have some time to do some shopping – what are the best stores I should go to? Late 30s, size 12. Thanks!

   1. What area of NYC will you be in? What type of clothes are you looking for?

      1. My taste is like Ann Taylor, but I’m curious if I can find something a bit nicer or more interesting but still along that classic sort of look.

   2. The OG Saks if you are running low on work clothes and have the budget for it. I went in there and was like “finally, women’s suits in an actual store.”

   3. Your best concentration of shops is in Nolita, from Elizabeth to Lafayette between Houston and Spring streets. Lots of brick and mortar stores for brands you mostly know online (Everlane, Cuyana, Rothy’s, Clare V), plus some vintage shops and boutiques.

      1. Very nice, and practical, rec.

      2. Don’t forget to stop in at the Scent Bar. It’s a wonderful experience finding a fragrance you’ve never heard of!

3. Does anyone have any good work from home routines/habits?

   I work from home 2 days a week and have been for years, but feel like I could probably step up my routine. For example- this morning I went to a coffee shop and knocked out a ton of work in 2 hours. I’ve found in the past if I empty the dishwasher prior to starting work I stay cleaner all day.

   1. Taking a walk around the block when I need a break.
      NOT letting myself get too involved in house chores. It can end up being a huge distraction from my actual work.

   2. I take a real lunch break away from my desk.

      1. +1

   3. I have to switch locations at least 2x a day or nothing gets done. I was this was in the office, too (worked from a conference room after lunch).

      Morning, I’m at the coffee shop. Home for lunch. Library after lunch.

      1. Also, I try to stack all meetings consecutively and take those at home, and then I leave the house for deep work.

   4. I work at home Mondays and Fridays. Mondays I also multitask and get laundry and household chores done on breaks. Fridays I stack to leave early. I have a home office that’s as technically good as my office office but decorated to my taste.

   5. I make a Starbucks run every morning. It gets me up and semi-presentable. I spend about half an hour doing general housekeeping stuff before sitting down to work, always in the same spot because of multiple monitors, etc. I try to run an errand – dry cleaner, pharmacy, etc. – around the lunch hour.

   6. Don’t skip getting showered/groomed/dressed for the day. You never feel great when you are still sitting in front of your desk in pajamas with bed head at 5:30pm.

4. For anyone with fine hair – is there a volumizing mousse you would recommend? I want to use one and the hairstylist recommends it, but the ones they use are too heavy.

   1. I use TIGI Small Talk. It’s more of a cream. I skipped it one day last week and it was really noticeable.

      1. I LOVE this stuff. It’s my holy grail.

      2. How do you use it? A few pumps into damp hair, including at the scalp?

         1. Depends on the length of your hair, but I use one pump and spread throughout the length of my hair, also making sure to have some near the roots. It plumps up my hair so nicely that I don’t need a ton at the scalp.

   2. I am using L’Oreal Boost It. I put it on wet hair, air or blow dry, and brush out after it is dry.

   3. I found a random John Frieda mousse in the guest bathroom I hadn’t used in ages. I applied a couple of pumps to my roots and dried my hair as normal. I will flip my hair upside down and dry it in the opposite direction. After it was dry, I definitely noticed some extra volume.

      After my hair is dry, I will sometimes use a texturizing powder. Sprinkle a little on the roots and rub in.

   4. I like WOW – it’s more like a foam than a mousse but great for volume. There is also a spray version.

      1. +1 this is what I use too

      2. When did Woods-comma-Elle return? It seems like it’s been years since I’ve seen your handle. Either welcome back or I need a reading lesson. I’m smiling this morning having seen your name!

         1. Awww thanks, what a lovely thing to read!

            I’ve been here, lurking, just posting more occasionally.

   5. I like the Kenra brand mousse. Also, try a dry texturizing spray like the one from Oribe. I flip my hair upside down and spray it, let it dry a bit, then zzzzhhhhh it.

5. Mid-life women, I need your advice about exercise.

   For about five years straight, I was a morning workout person. Running, spinning, whatever I felt like. It was something I started out of necessity when my kids were younger. Over the past six months, I have seriously fallen off the wagon. I am skipping more workouts than I’m doing. The key reason being, I am just plain tired! And maybe I just got bored since I’m not training for anything in particular and I have always worked out at home. But, I can’t deny that I need more exercise than I’m getting these days, both for my physical and mental health.

   Evenings are unpredictable with kids’ activities, not wanting to exercise after eating dinner, etc. Mornings are still my best bet for making a workout happen. But … how? The obvious answer is to go to bed earlier. When I do my morning workouts, I wake up at 5:15-5:30 and go to bed at 9:30. I fall asleep around 10. However, I have a teen in the house, and he’s still doing his snack/bedtime routine at 9:30. That is also when he is most likely to open up and talk to us, so I feel like I need to be present, not asleep. (Teen parenting: it’s a whole different thing. And I am not going to ask him to change his routine, for reasons that I won’t get into.) These days, I’m turning off the lights closer to 10 pm and getting up around 6:15, which does not give me time to work out.

   I hate that I need this much sleep. And I’d actually prefer more! Is the answer to find an exercise program that I’m excited about, that makes me get out of bed when I don’t want to? Or accept that at this stage in life, fitting in walks and yoga might be more realistic than the more high-intensity A.M. workouts? I am failing so hard at strength training because I absolutely hate it.

   I can be very all or nothing about this stuff, so I’d love some advice on how to find some middle ground between doing nothing and doing 5 A.M. workouts a week.

   1. What time do you need to start getting ready for work? If it isn’t until 7, leap out of bed, throw on some clothes, and do a 30 minute run.

      Otherwise, kids make dinner while you run.

      If you have the money and the space, a treadmill can be a game changer for fitting in runs while being a working parent.

      1. I leave the house at 7:30. And unfortunately, I am just not very fast at getting ready!

         1. Streamlining getting ready can help make time too. Picking full outfits for the week on Sunday night my clothes for the week on Sunday, pre-making lunches to grab for M/T/W and time my haircare routine so I can quick shower/dry shampoo/chignon and go on workout mornings. Super sweaty workouts are for the weekends.

   2. Teens opening up at night is fairly standard. Can you become a late-night work out person, even if it means shorter and less intense exercise? Yoga every night before bed and waking up later could work.

   3. Similar situation for me with kids in that age range and activity. What works for me is low key exercise during the day and more intense on the weekend. We have a work gym so I do yoga once a week but modify so I don’t get sweaty and can do a quick freshen up with wet wipes. I wear the exact same thing each week – I just toss it in the wash when I get home and then back in my work bag. Never hits the closet.

      DH and I work out together one weekday morning as well. We can get up at 6:30 and do 20 minutes and then get ready for work. We take turns picking work out videos or just walk on treadmill/bike next to each other. If doesn’t work with your DH’s schedule then pick an audio book you really want to listen to and only listen then.

      I’ve learned that I need a workout buddy. I’ll hit snooze and cancel on myself all day long but if someone else is meeting me, I’ll show up for them. So rather than try to change myself, I just build that in. So I have a team activity on weekend mornings,

      Would your teen be interested in an evening walk at all? This might be a good week to give it a try – say you’re going to go for a walk around the neighborhood and look at Halloween decorations. He could bring a snack and munch while you walk. Boys in particular talk more when side by side (like walking or in a car) vs. face to face. Even if not, could you do your own walk for 20 mins right after dinner? Even if you start with one evening a week.

      Just start somewhere and then modify to see what works. All movement is good even if it’s not as intensive as you’d like to be.

      1. I like the idea of doing side-by-side workouts with DH, if he’s open to that. Even 1-2 mornings a week would be nice.

         When I can convince my kid to go on a walk, it’s lovely. We haven’t done that in awhile.

      2. +1 to more intense workouts on the weekend days. Even if you just add in one or two weekday mornings, you would have a pretty good routine.

         I do 30 minute workouts a few mornings a week, but I don’t have to leave as early as OP does, so it is a lot easier.

   4. I have a 12 year old and feel your pain – over the summer we let him stay up later and it really was a problem for me in terms of getting enough sleep since I still had to get up early to workout before work. And he still likes to be read to and tucked in at night. I would say you either need to work out at a different time of day or do shorter workouts in the morning. Ideas: bike commuting, short workout at lunch or after work, Fitness Blender’s 30 Min workout series – like this one https://www.fitnessblender.com/plans/fb-30-4-week-fat-loss-program-for-busy-people-round-4.

      1. Making your commute your workout is a great idea. I’m the anon @ 10:21 below, and I used to run commute 3x a week when I lived closer to the office. If that’s an option, it’s so peaceful to start your day that way.

   5. Can you split up weights and cardio? If you’re getting up at 6:15, do 20 minutes of weights. You probably won’t have the same super sweaty experience as you will with a run. And 20 minutes of weights is actually a lot of weights if you’re doing it right. Then do your runs whenever can be fit in at night. I vividly remember my mom dropping me off at softball games and going for a run around the park during the first few innings. If your kids’ activities don’t accommodate that sort of thing, do you have a partner or additional caretaker who can handle them even one night a week?

      With runs, I know the standard guidance is to not have your long run be too high a % of your weekly mileage…but I also find it helpful to just assume “okay, I’m only going to get x miles in on any given workday, but I can do an easy y this weekend to make up for it.”

      The other option is the lunchtime spin or HIIT class or run. But you don’t mention that as an option, so I won’t presume it’ll work for you.

      1. Splitting things up could work. I probably need to do a better job of taking advantage of the evenings my DH takes them to activities and use that time to workout rather than clean and tidy the house.

         I agree that this life stage is not for optimizing my mileage or whatever else we’re supposed to be doing.

         1. Can you afford to hire out cleaning (or make your teen do more of it)? I would do that, in part because I would then feel guilty not using the perceived free time for exercising.

         2. Can you work out then and clean/tidy up together when he gets back? Usually one person wrangles bedtime and the other handles the kitchen in our house. Kids also have defined chores like vacuuming living room or unloading dishwasher. Chore schedule is based around their activity and school schedules.

   6. You nailed it. Go for a walk. Outdoors. If your teen is open to walk & talk, do that! It doesn’t need to be a structured workout.

   7. Is a lunch workout possible, at least a few days a week?

   8. I am the cardio queen who spent her early adulthood running, spinning, and swimming early early in the mornings, and I loved it. But, with the same issues you’re identifying plus becoming convinced that weight training is more important in mid-life than cardio, I have trended toward lifting weights in the evening, which I can do without getting sweaty. Perhaps you can move from a sweaty cardio-based workout during the week to weight training in the early evenings so you’re still available in the later evenings but also don’t need to get up early? Then do your awesome, happy cardio on the weekends.

   9. Here are some things that have worked for me at different times of my life:
      Shift the bulk of your workouts to the weekend.
      Take an hour during work day and work out (may not work if you sweat a lot, but I can work out in my work clothes)
      Split works outs – 30 min cardio in the day, 30 min strength at night

   10. I’m very much you. I keep telling myself if I strength train and build muscle I can eat more, it’ll be healthier for my bones, etc. And I remember, on the few days that I start doing it, that I usually do like it also.

       But lately all I’ve been able to fit in is a 1-mile walk after I drop my kid off at school. I’m adding a block here and there and just added a weighted vest. It’s become a habit now, and that is key.

   11. DH and I are struggling with this too. We hit 40, our kids are out of diapers finally, and now we both love sleep so much. There seems to be no regular time to workout, so we just do it irregularly for now. I do a run on lunch breaks when I can. DH goes to the gym whenever he spots an opportunity. It’s very ad hoc for us.

   12. How old are your kids? Are there opportunities to either exercise while “on the mom job” or with your kids? One of my kids,13, does CrossFit with my husband during the week. I go for a run while my 8 year old bikes. My kids play sports so I will often go to pick them up half an hour early and go for a run around the field while they practice. These are relatively new hacks for us that I discovered after seeing a very fit mom go for a run while her daughter did a 45 minute dance class!

       1. This worked for me: I walked or ran while my son was at soccer practice. If there are like-minded parents to join you, all the better. When my kids were very young, I explained that I would watch for a few minutes at the beginning and end of their practices, but in the middle I’d be getting my exercise while they got theirs. As kids became pre-teens and teens, I did not watch practices at all. (Which is also helpful for other reasons.). In the winter when it was too dark to run safely at the soccer fields, I brought my jump rope and hand weights and did circuits under the well lit pavilion. In the big picture, by working out when your kids are doing their own activities, you’re setting a good example by prioritizing your own healthy behaviors.

   13. Can you wake up at 6 and do a 10-15 minute yoga or HIIT routine?

6. Screaming into the void. I know there are a lot of lawyers here so I wanted to ask what happened with consultations being something you pay for and being an hour? I am looking for 10-15mins with the lawyer before I engage to ascertain fit (a lot of special ed lawyers have a low success rate with the type of disability my children have). Regardless of divorce, access to education, starting a business or any situation where I am going to have an ongoing relationship that extends more than the immediate issue, the fit is important to me.

   I have 3 special needs/ disabled children and each lawyer is coming back to say a consultation is 2 hours for all 3 children and $1200 or $600 per child. That’s $3600-5400 before I even decide which lawyer to go with. Not only do I not want to spend 6 hours deciding on the lawyer to represent my children, I want to conserve these funds because I know I need every penny for medical reports and the escrow required to engage to get the needed legal advice.

   1. It sounds like something else is going on here. Are you asking for things that are so complicated up front that attorneys are essentially telling you that it’s impossible to do in an hour?

      Another thought: if attorneys tend to have a low success rate with this type of disability, are there other avenues to pursue?

      1. I don’t think what I am asking for is so complicated. I wrote my email to share an overview of each child and the ask. I made it clear I am looking to select a lawyer first and I don’t expect legal advice. Certain attorneys have high success rates with this type of disability, others don’t, which is ok and doesn’t make them a bad lawyer, just not the right lawyer for my situation.

         Legal advice is needed to pursue the case regardless of suing the DOE or not. I strongly prefer to pay the extra for a lawyer compared to the alternative of using an advocate.

         1. It’s nice you don’t think it’s complicated but the professionals you are trying to hire clearly disagree. Our time isn’t free and as a lawyer, if you’re not willing to pay for my time for an initial consult I don’t want you as a client because you won’t pay the bills.

            1. @11:08 – That’s really it for me as a non-lawyer consultant. If you’re just calling me up to “pick my brain” (which sadly happens a lot with former colleagues) you’re not going to enter into a paying contract with me. I have a low minimum because I do like to take project work from time to time, but it’s still a multiple of what these attorneys are quoting OP. That rate feels more than fair to me.

         2. It sounds like what you really need is a referral to an attorney with a high success rate?

            1. “Referral”: this is what I get posting from a doctor’s waiting room. I mean “recommendation.” If there’s a support group for families with this disability, they may know.

            2. Correct. A referral would be wonderful but I don’t have one so I am doing my due diligence. It isn’t unreasonable to ask 18 questions before committing to spending what I expect will be about $75-125k in legal costs this coming year, of which I don’t expect much if any reimbursement from the DOE, however one of my questions is asking if they will seek reimbursement of these costs.

            3. Are you asking 18 questions in 15 minutes?

            4. 12:47pm – No, I have gone through their website to answer from information which is there. I then send the list with what questions are left. Example questions are ‘how many special ed cases have you handled in the past year?’ and ‘what is your success rate for tuition reimbursement cases in the past 12 months?’

               These are questions the lawyer themselves do not need to answer. The lawyer might want to review the answers hence the 15mins, but no more than that. I would expect the lawyer to have an assistant answering them.

            5. Anon at 1:08 pm, that’s not how any of this works.

               Do you have a real life friend who is a lawyer and can walk you through this?

            6. Go onto facebook and ask for a referral on your page. Call the local bar association for names. I am a lawyer and I do think the fees quoted are really high.

         3. I agree with the posters at 11:08 and 11:32. It sounds like the people who do this work are saying that even for them to give you a sense of how they’d approach the case and if it might be a good fit, they’ll need the amount of time stated. I wonder if connecting with other parents in your state whose children face the similar issues might be a better starting point to find lawyers who are experienced with the kind of issues you face.

            I have a lot of empathy for you, OP. It must be really hard to need lawyers to get your children the services they need.

   2. Lawyers dislike people wasting their time. A 15 minute consult is often longer than that. This is why many of us who are lawyers encourage taking other steps to resolve your problems before moving to the legal arena, it’s very expensive.

      1. I respect the time of the lawyers I am speaking with. With 3 children it might go over 15mins but not much because I don’t have all that much spare time to waste. I find it ridiculous they want me to pay to find out how much they cost, their escrow requirements and typical increases due to any foreseeable promotion.

         As I said my case isn’t overly complicated and yes, I am well aware its expensive. The standard way to resolve this is to sue the district. I am not confident representing my children myself, especially when the district have a team of experienced lawyers.

         1. 10:51 below is my response to this. You’re being unreasonable and not understanding how this works.

         2. You sound like a client I’d avoid. It’s delusional to think 15 minutes is sufficient.

         3. And these experts are telling you that in their experience it’s longer than a 15 minute conversation. How busy you are or how much money you want to save are irrelevant.

         4. Re: fit. Are we talking personality fit or skills/experience fit? For the former, go with recommendations from others re: personality. For the later, choose wisely and then pay the $$$ and get started. It is what it is.

         5. Many times I won’t know how much it will cost until I’ve had a thorough review of the case/matter with a client. I can give you my hourly rate (I charge a standard rate for all of my matters), but I can’t tell you what my retainer would be or an estimate of total attorney’s fees until that meeting. Sometimes, not even then. I have found that many of my clients believe that their issues are simple and straightforward. From my legal perspective, they are rarely that simple or straightforward. I’ve had clients want to place limits on my time by saying, I’d like to ask you about X and it should only take you 30 minutes to explain it. No, it will take me as long as I need to explain it to you so that I’m confident that you understand. Also, there may be time in there where I need to ask you questions so that I can properly answer your question. If you are receiving these types of estimates from multiple attorneys, I would say that it’s probably customary in this field in your location for attorneys to charge this for such a consultation.

            1. YES to all of your post, but especially this – “I have found that many of my clients believe that their issues are simple and straightforward. From my legal perspective, they are rarely that simple or straightforward.”

         6. Look, my initial consult with my divorce attorney was an hour. That’s for uncontested or contested divorce. I’m an attorney and thought that was about the right amount of time to cover straightforward issues.

            Don’t ask for a 15 minute consult. It’s not a traffic ticket. Ask for an hour and pay for an hour.

         7. I’m a lawyer – I cannot imagine getting the info I needed from you in 15 minutes, unless it was immediately clear that I was not going to be able to represent you for some reason (ex, I have no experience with your children’s’ specific disabilities or I’m not licensed in xyz jurisdiction).

   3. Can you ascertain fit by doing one consultation re one child and ask each of your 3 options about a different child? That would be more in the $600 range or $1800 total.

      1. Yeah, that seems like not a good move to pull if you want somebody to want to work with you.

         1. She got quotes so they know she has 3 kids. She can let them know what she is doing based on her budget and ask if they are still interested in doing 2 hrs re one child.

   4. They’re telling you that your legal needs are complex. They don’t want to work with you if you’re unwilling to invest the time and money up front that will be necessary to adequately represent your and your children’s interests.

      You’re not going to interview a lot of lawyers like you might with a nanny or therapist. Narrow it down to 2-3 options based on experience and track record.

   5. Sorry but no absolutely not. That’s a fair price and there’s no way you can give the lawyer enough info in 15 minutes. 2 hours to discuss three children is reasonable.

   6. It will take way more than 10 minutes for you to ascertain if they’re the right kind of lawyer!

   7. I think your case is probably a lot more complex than you realize of this is the reaction of the lawyers. Your post is also weirdly vague so I can’t tell if this is just about disability.

   8. I have one kid with special needs and my mom worked in special education. Suing for one kid is pretty rare, but suing for all 3 just seems . . . bonkers. Maybe there is something there. But when you interview someone for fit and mention just one kid and then your real ask will be for suing for 3 kids, that lawyer may well bolt due the bait-and-switch and how much of an outlier this is. I can’t stand a client who isn’t candid and I’d likely decline to work with you if you were to approach it this way.

      1. I can easily see this coming up if it’s a rare genetic condition that the kids all ended up with.

         Maybe suing is rare, but families do often end up needing to homeschool or otherwise seek a safe and appropriate education outside the school system because there’s a practical limit to what can be accommodated.

         1. I know some people sue to get private schools paid for when private school is preferred by the parent. I know that some schools get sued by a parent who wants to micromanage what goes on in the school vs getting a more medically or developmentally appropriate place, especially for a kid who has complex medical needs and may have learning challenges (e.g., one nonverbal child who was fed with a tube and needed an aid for hygiene). If you sue and win, you will be micromanaging forever if the placement stays with the place you sued. If you sue and lose, you’d worry they’d hate your kids and slow walk everything or avoid them. If you just switch to a place that meets your needs, which I think maybe you can if you have a 75K budget for your personal legal needs, IMO that will be the fix that works well. Everything else is theoretical and on paper.

            1. This is what I was thinking. I’d rather spend the money on meeting their needs rather than trying to strong arm the system which will be a never ending uphill battle.

            2. Maybe she’s betting on the idea that if she spends $75K on litigation now then she gets back much more than that in free private school tuition x 3 kids x several years?

            3. Never bet on winning in litigation, the advice to pay to solve your problem is what she should do.

   9. Let’s back up here. Lawyers get annoyed when clients assume that it’s easy, dictate the time spent to attorneys (asterisk: in house counsel might have grounds to say “that matter takes a half hour, not 12.8 hours”), don’t listen to feedback, and don’t want to pay for our expertise.

      You indicate that you’re a not-hard client to work with by doing certain things and not doing the things on the above list.

      Please let go of your preconceived notions about how long everything should take and whether or not a legal assistant should be doing it. If you want to run a law practice, go to law school, get licensed, and hang out a shingle. Otherwise, back off.

      I would send an email to lawyers with expertise in this area that says something like,

      “Dear Smith Law,

      I got Attorney Smith’s name from Sarah Jones at Disability Awareness Club. My three children, ages 9, 7, and 4, all have Disability. Like many parents, I have struggled to get accommodations from their schools.

      Would we be able to meet for a one hour initial consultation to discuss these issues and potential avenues? If so, please let me know your rates for that hour and a best time to meet.”

      And then just stop. Don’t dictate to them! Don’t tell them that it’s “easy” or whatnot.

7. NARS has reformulated their blushes and now my beloved Orgasm blush is terrible! The colour is different, it’s not as pigmented and way sparklier. Any recommendations for a replacement? I’ve used this blush for like, 15 years. Why do companies try to reinvent the wheel??

   1. Ugh, that is the worst. I can’t compare colors, but I like the formulations of Tarte Amazonian Clay and Clinique’s cheek pop blushes. Clinique’s pop blushes have a slight sheen that is not glittery or sparkly. Amazonian Clay is more matte.

   2. Try the chanel one. I switched to the 02 Rose Bronze. The pigmentation is good enough and zero sparkle.

   3. Mac Warm Soul doesn’t have gold flecks, but it has a really nice luminous peachy-pink you may like. And the finish is gorgeous.

   4. Before you despair, check the package to make sure it’s the correct color name down to the spelling. I accidentally ordered (or they accidentally sent, I didn’t go back to check my receipt) Orgasm X or something similarly close and was very confused why my pink blush was suddenly orange. I love that blush too so I’m really hoping they sent you some other color!

      1. No, unfortunately it’s definitely the right shade, but it’s the new “talc-free” formula. It’s heavily advertised on their website.

         1. A lot of companies are taking talc out of their formulations due to the purported risk of cancer. The science behind that association is murky at best but there have been some huge verdicts that make manufacturers nervous.

   5. I also used that one for years. I just switched to an Ilia cream blush in a stick, but I unfortunately don’t remember the color. I’ve been very happy with it.

   6. Have you tried NARS’ The Multiple in the same shade?

      1. That’s a good idea! I just usually prefer the texture of a powder blush.

8. Has anyone worked with a career coach they liked? In house lawyer. At a career crossroads trying to figure out what to do next and need a neutral third party to talk it through with.

   1. No recs but why not post here? Tons of in-house lawyers on this board.

      1. Honestly it is a good idea and I will do so! I need to figure out how to distill my thoughts down to a coherent post first.

   2. Elena Rand

   3. Same question but wondering if anyone knows of a coach who is specifically familiar with the law – government market in NYC.

   4. Jackie Cascarano – IG is at your_mindset_coach_ – she’s a lawyer who also worked in career services at a few law schools. Highly recommend.

   5. Gail Cummings. She is wonderful. Former lawyer.

   6. Lauren Black — former lawyer just search her name and “coaching” and her site should come up.

   7. Khara Kelsch; she’s expanding her personal coaching business right now.

   8. Sheila Wilkinson

9. 7th year associate here at v10 firm that has hit and sustained top performance metrics (qualitative and quantitative) since I lateraled to the firm. I was promised a promotion timeline by group leadership and just heard firm leadership denied it. This means at least a year delay, but could be more (I think >1 year is more realistic). I was told the sole reason for denial was a de facto rule that they are extending the progression timeline by a year across the board, but in the same conversation they acknowledged that a male a year ahead of me in my group was not subject to this rule because he was a summer associate (I’m a lateral). This means from a practical perspective partnership is now at least 4 years out (but again, likely more). What would you do and any tips for how to process? I have already hit my hours for the year and am still drowning in work with no respite in sight so in the short term I think I need to move some work off my plate, but would welcome insight on how to handle this emotionally and not take it personally. TIA

   1. Wait how did we get from 1 year delay to 4?

      A lot of firms seem to be moving to a 10 year partnership track rather than 8. Unless you have a book, of course.

      In your shoes I would focus on developing my own clients. If that’s not possible where you are, then move.

   2. Start looking. Take your time. Leave for something better. Know that you have more power than you think. They think they can deny you promotions and you will still stay. Prove them wrong. You’re in control.

   3. Honestly look at the firm’s financials and talk to junior partners. Partnership may not be worth it, especially if there’s a buy-in. This is the right time career-wise to go in-house. Firms are great at making you think partnership is the be all end all, but in many cases the business fundamentals aren’t there.

   4. Let’s put real dates in here?
      -You’re a 7th year and will become an 8th year in fall 2025
      -At this point, if the usual track stays, you’d be eligible to be named partner in fall 2026
      -Based on the year delay policy change, you’d be eligible in fall 2027
      -BUT because of Home Grown Male, he may be named partner in fall of 2026, and if your practice group doesn’t typically do back-to-back promotions, you think your next chance would be fall 2028? Is that how you go from 1 year to 4?

      Your options are either (1) quietly talk to trusted partners about the forecast for your group, (2) lateral to another firm and try to just lateral in as partner so you get to skip the whole song and dance, or (3) go in-house. But (2) is tough without any semblance of a book. You’re well-positioned for (3).

      1. Thanks for the insight. Re: timelines; I become an 8th year January 2025. Fastest track would have been partner fall of 2025, that’s not happening, nor is counsel fall of 2025. Feedback was counsel spring 2027 would be easier which is a 2.5-year minimum (but 2.5 years is rare, precedent is for people to get stuck here much longer while they prioritize associate –> partner promotions). Other than Home Grown Male, there are several people senior to me that are also getting delayed, so a delay doesn’t clear my path. Group leadership commentary is they’re frustrated with firm leadership feedback and see me as a partner leading the group, but in 5-10 years. I think highly of my group and would be disappointed to leave but I don’t see how that path is viable, and I’m not sure I trust the timelines being floated now. Seems like there’s less transparency than has been communicated so far.

   5. So it’s a V10 firm. IMO that may be what is going on here. I’m in BigLaw, but like V50, which I suspect is very different. IDK what I’d do here, but candid convos would be included. If you are 7th year at Cravath, I think you are in a very different boat than a 7th year at . . . many other V50 firms. So a lateral with a title improvement is likely very possible, even without a book.

10. Any recommendations for where to find festive Indian wear for an upcoming celebration? Not wedding level of formal, but something fun that I can buy online and doesnt require flat abs. I’m south asian and usually raid my mom’s closet, but thats not an option this year. Thanks!

    1. Look at Utsav

    2. Pernia’s Pop Up

    3. Kalki is great for this – fast shipping and fairly nice quality.

    4. Check out Mogra online. She ships from Texas.

11. Does anyone have any ideas for a Halloween costume that fits with a theme of “scary” and is very easy to put together? Some friends of mine who love Halloween are having a party this weekend and have asked people to wear costumes along this theme. I do not enjoy putting costumes together and do not want to spend money on something I’ll use once, but I do want to respect my friends’ wishes for their party. I’d appreciate any suggestions!

    1. Trump mask?

    2. Wear a suit and a Ted Cruz name
       Tag

    3. All-black outfit and vampire fangs

       1. +1 plus maybe some fake blood drips around the mouth with lipstick

    4. All black clothing, add cat ears and a tail to be a black cat? Forever 21 has these two for $4. I bet the river site has them for less than $10.

    5. Put a triangle on your shirt & write “Bermuda” on each side — you’re the Bermuda Triangle!

       Cut a fake mustache in half and stick it above your eyebrows in a V shape, then carry a takeout bag — you’re hangry!

       Make a tinfoil hat — you’re a conspiracy theorist!

       Wear scrubs/white coat & carry a toothbrush — you’re the dentist!

       Wear business-y clothes and fashion a microphone/earpiece-microphone — you’re public speaking!

    6. To me “scary” means the classics, which are also some of the easiest costumes (ghost, witch, bat, devil, black cat, mummy, Frankenstein, vampire). Can you figure out a way to put red devil horns or black cat ears on a headband or hat? It’s hard to do witch without a pointy hat, but you could possibly pull of a Baba Yaga hag style witch with clothes and make up. Ghost and mummy are traditionally done with stuff around the house.

       A color coordinated themed outfit (red for devil, black for cat, white for ghost or mummy) and make up help sell any simple costume.

       1. Props can help too (broom says witch, chains says ghost, and so on). Zombie can be done with just make up and the right outfit.

    7. Carrie- —fancy faux prom dress (bridesmaid? Black tie wedding?) with cheap crown and bloody makeup in your face?

       Obviously only easy if you already have a fancy dress to wear!

    8. do you think it means scary as in gore or eerie, or is ‘real life’ scary good too? Like you could buy a piece of posterboard and go as a letter from the IRS. An Outlook invite from grandboss that just says “catch up.” Etc.

    9. Throw on a witch hat with a black dress and get some Halloween color nails.

       1. This is what I’m doing. All black outfit. $5 witch hat from target. Darker/moodier makeup

    10. Wednesday Addams had it right: You can be a psychopath. They look just like everybody else.

    11. Do you have a high-viz reflective vest and a lanyard to put some sort of ID card? Instant official of some kind, for example: butterfly/fish net: you are from the local zoo looking for an escaped python or a clip board: you are looking for an escaped serial kller.

        Oversize white shirt, braces or waistcoat and a fake open razer – Sweeney Todd
        If you have dark hair: long black dress and pale makeup for Morticia Adams.

    12. These are some great ideas! Thank you all.

12. I haven’t kept up with makeup trends or brands in about 10 years. I think the last trendy makeup I bought was a palette and lipstick from Charlotte Tilbury. I started a new role and would like to treat myself to an update, maybe $200 or so of new products. What items or brands do you recommend (40, WFH, no crazy colors, I like neutrals)?

    1. Merit

    2. +1 to Merit, I love all their products I’ve tried.

       1. I’ve been wondering about Merit. I see it on IG alot and was wondering if it was the real deal or a flash in the pan.

    3. Bobbi Brown

    4. Rare Beauty has been surprisingly solid. I’m also always drooling over Chantecaille.

       1. Any particular product or colors you are drooling over?

          1. I did buy their FutureSkin foundation, but I was also considering their Lip Veil in a bunch of colors.

    5. I’ve been really happy with my purchases from Glossier. I know their marketing skews younger but their cloud paint blush is terrific and their stretch concealer is an MVP.

    6. Westman Atelier

       1. Heavily second that. Her products are very pricey but worth every single penny. Incredibly beautiful and does exactly what it says it will.

13. Has anyone figured out how to lean out at work after really leaning in without a good reason for it? I’m single, no kids and am a director at my org. I’ve always been a really hard worker and really ambitious and would be next on the list for a VP role if one opened up (which could be years away based on current staffing); however, I’m no longer interested in it due to a variety of reasons, largely corporate culture and the fact that I’m actively job searching. I’ve told my boss I no longer want the VP spot due to the time commitment and what I see as zero work/life balance, but since there’s not currently an open spot he’s not that worried about it and probably figures I’ll change my mind. My peers at my level don’t seem to go above and beyond all that much, but my boss is a gunner and his boss is a super gunner, so they’ve been relying on me to keep putting in extra effort too to make our department look good. I’d really like to try to find a way to tell my higher ups that I will do my job to the best of my ability, but I don’t want to keep getting volunteered for other high-profile or time-consuming projects. I don’t have a reason like kids or caregiving, I just…don’t want to keep making life sacrifices for a job and a company I hate. Has anyone successfully managed to do this without committing career suicide?

    1. You just don’t do it

    2. You don’t tell them, you just don’t do the extra stuff.

    3. Yup. Don’t announce it, just stop doing the extra work. I’d recommend slowly working less and being less available after hours, rather than a sudden change.

       Schedule stuff after work so you have a hard stop.

       Make sure you’re taking all of your leave.

       1. This is the answer. You create a plan for yourself for how you will slowly work less and commit to doing less. Pulling back all at once will raise flags. Make a gradual transition. And having after work and/or lunchtime events helps a lot to create that hard stop and unavailability. Don’t respond to anything after hours. Leave when everyone else leaves each day.

          Also remember that no is a complete sentence. You’ve trained management to know that they can assign extra work to you and you’ll do it really well. So you just have to start saying you don’t have time to take on that extra project, and then don’t take it on. The first time you do this will be hard because it’s not what you usually do. The second time you do it will be easier. And so on.

    4. I don’t think you announce this at all. You may need to turn down an opportunity here and there. You’d love to but between x and y other committees, you are fully booked. Maybe z and a colleague would be interested?
       Then you get a hobby or regular social plans that will make you go home at a reasonable time each day. The world won’t end if you email them back tomorrow.

       1. This. Especially useful is any kind of hobby where you can’t have your work phone on you due to the nature of the activity.

    5. I can’t tell what’s happening. Is your question, “how do I turn down what is essentially a direct assignment my boss has given me by volunteering me”? Or is your question, “how do I quietly start saying no to volunteer roles that my boss assumes I would gladly do because I have in the past, but they aren’t actually job requirements and I’m free to say no”?

       1. OP here – that’s a great clarification. I think because I have gladly done them in the past, I think they are becoming direct assignments that my boss just assumes I would keep wanting to do (and that he wants done for his own purposes), so a mix of both of your questions. I’m not sure I can say no at this point, both given my past acceptance and the fact that my boss is trying to make a name for himself. So that’s why I wasn’t sure if I needed to have a proactive conversation with my boss or, as others suggest, just quietly start finding reasons to be otherwise occupied and unavailable.

          1. I would turn this around. Acknowledge that you’ve taken this on in the past, and suggest that someone else from the team could benefit from this opportunity. Boss, this sounds like exactly the kind of thing I would take on normally, but I’m wondering if you have tried tapping XYZ colleague instead of me?

             Or if you can’t say no because it’s a done deal: Boss, I’d love to help out, but could we transition _this other bonus thing that I’m also doing_ to somebody else so I have the bandwidth?

          2. Are you looking for another job? It sounds like you should do that. You “hate the company,” and it’s difficult to tell and convince your manager that you plan to do less than you have in the past while preserving a viable relationship. Maybe best to just lay low as much as possible while ramping up the job search.

          3. I don’t think there’s any good to come from basically saying you want to keep your same role and do less work. Can you ask to train a junior colleague to handle? Mention a peer who you know wants more visibility? Frame it as being generous and you’ll look good.

    6. LOL you don’t *tell* people you’re leaning out! You just do it.

    7. My work culture does not permit this to be stated. If you state you aren’t interested in advancement, you’re messaging you don’t want to work there. In my company, you lean out by not volunteering for anything and not doing any BRGs.

       1. Is there any work culture where you should advertise that you want to lean out? Men lean out informally all the time.

          1. +1000. “I’m not ambitious and don’t plan to give this my best effort” is not something you can actually say to any manager unless you are delivering a letter of resignation at the same time.

14. Does anyone know if you can add (unflavored) protein in pancake/waffle/dutch baby batter, or would it ruin the recipe?

    1. Try to search for a “keto” recipe, you are guaranteed to find one with protein powder.

    2. If you want more protein, consider finding a recipe with almond flour.

    3. My SO throws a scoop of vanilla protein powder into pancake batter, it is fine. (He might add a little extra almond milk than if there weren’t protein powder added.)

    4. There are many easy pancake recipes to make them from scratch using pure protein powder. You may play around a bit to find one that suits you.

       I use vanilla flavored protein powder, and a banana as my binder. I add a touch of vanilla and cardamom to my pancake batter anyway and this works wonderfully. Delicious.

    5. We use the Kodiak pancake mix which has a lot of protein.

15. How much are you all spending on groceries? I just rounded up my expenses for the past year and I am kind of shocked. Trying to understand if there is theoretically room to cut back without sacrificing quality too much. We are spending about 1,800 per month or $430 per week for a family of 4. This does include Costco items like TP and PT but does not include Amazon items like toothpaste. Restaurants are separate (no one buys lunch out or has shool lunch). I buy organic for the “dirty dozen”. We do eat meat or fish with every dinner, tofu about twice a month. We don’t do a lot of simple carbs, and instead do legumes, farro, barley, quinoa etc. I don’t buy super fancy meat, it’s either costco tritip or sirloin (which admittedly feels fancy after the price went up to $10 per lb), lef of lamb, or cheapest cut of pork (cushions for $2 per lb) for bulk slow roasting. I buy whole fish so it’s never over $10 per lb. I buy on sale and freeze when possible. We limit packaged snacks for health purposes but we need to have some – any recommendations there? I will occasionally do Hello Fresh with a huge discount and it doesn’t look like it drives up our costs, we just buy fewer groceries that week. But for reference, I always feel like their food is a half step down from what I normally cook. For beverages, we stock up on the Safeway sparkling water and that’s it unless it’s a special occasion.

    1. It’s probably the meat and fish every day. Do more vegetarian meals and you can save a lot of money that way. We are about 50% vegetarian and spend about $1000 a month on groceries and household items for our family of 5 just outside of Philadelphia.
       For packaged snack- get the bulk sizes and portion them yourselves.

       1. For me fresh produce drives up the grocery bill more than meat does.

          1. You need to find a different place to buy your produce then! Frozen produce is just as healthy though and we buy frozen vegetables and fruit all the time.
             I know it’s very popular for people to say that healthy food is more expensive than unhealthy food but it’s really not.

             1. I hate the gaslighting about how frozen produce is “just as healthy as fresh.” Yeah, of course it is. But it tastes much worse than fresh produce unless you’re blending the shit out of it.

             2. This. I definitely use frozen. But not for everything.

                Frozen fruit for smoothies? Sure. Frozen fruit for snacking? No

             3. In my area frozen fruit is $3-$5 a pound – not cheaper than fresh (and I keep track of several grocery stores & types of fruit). To me it only makes sense for berries; for everything else, I just buy whatever fresh is on sale, often $1-$2/lb (added benefit, sale produce tends to be in season too).

             4. We eat salads for lunch every day. There is no such thing as a frozen salad.

    2. We spend about $1400 a month for two adults and one teen girl cooking all meals and coffee at home except for one dinner out per week. One adult is keto so that increases the cost somewhat.

       The USDA liberal food plan cost for a mom, a dad, and two teen boys is 1762.10 monthly, so you are in the ballpark.

    3. That seems like a totally reasonable grocery budget to me! But also, yeah, stop eating meat every day.

    4. you are eating a lot more expensive protein than most people do. What’s wrong with chicken? Also, veggie-based dinners like split pea soup, hummus & pita & veggies & a lentil or chickpea spread, etc. are staples for us.

       1. We do eat chicken. I didn’t mention as it’s our cheapest protein, costs less than the veg portion of the meal.

          1. Chicken costs a lot unless you are buying ground chicken. I just spent $16 on chicken for tonight’s dinner (a small whole chicken that will get eaten for a single meal; whole chickens do cost more than pieces) and $10 on salmon for tomorrow’s dinner. Ground chicken is $3.59 for a dinner’s worth.

             1. That chicken can be dinner, chicken salad sandwiches the next day, and chicken soup. There are plenty of ways to stretch a bird.

             2. In my house a whole chicken does not produce leftovers. A chicken is one meal, not three.

       2. Can you elaborate what a pita and spread meal looks like? Are you putting the spread into the pita topping with veg? Thanks!

          1. On the table-
             -container of hummus
             -plate of chopped up veg, usually carrots, cucumbers, bell peppers
             -toasted pita wedges
             -bowl with microwaved TJ’s chana masala (freezer section) or boil-in-bag lentils heated up

             Assemble and or dip as desired!

             1. Thanks!

    5. Around $500 a month for 2 people who eat most meals at home, one vegetarian, one eats meat occasionally. We eat a lot of veggies, legumes, and whole grains and not a lot of packaged stuff because I like to bake, so bread, muffins, cookies, and other snacks are usually made at home (plus a stash of protein bars when really on the go). We mostly shop at Trader Joe’s so we do buy some frozen meals and sauces to make cooking faster, and make good use of frozen fruits and veggies for cost, convenience, and to reduce food waste.

    6. honestly, groceries have gotten ridiculously expensive. things i used to buy are just more expensive now

    7. $450/month for the 2 of us- our only meat is chicken thighs, we buy nothing organic, and we buy basically no processed food or sodas.

       Honestly though, if your budget is 2k/month, can you afford it and would it be a good use of your time/effort to reduce that number? Is ~2k/month getting in the way of some other financial goal? If you cut down on your groceries, would you end up eating out more?

       1. That’s a good question. I’m trying figure out how much kids will notice a quality of life hit if my husband quits his job which he is threatening to do every day.

          1. You could definitely spend less – nothing organic, no red meat, basic rice instead of other legumes, store brand stuff, etc. But you have to ask yourself if that’s worth it.

          2. Try it out and see what it feels like to all 4 of you. Especially if your husband is threatening to quit, he should be considering how much of a quality of life his income buys you.

             Figure out the income you’d have, subtract the essentials (house, utilities, retirement, emergency cushion etc) and then take a look at your typical monthly expenses. Between subscriptions, clothes/shopping, groceries and eating out, some are going to be easier to reduce than others- I’d bet that eating out would be easier to cut back on than groceries.

    8. $400 for all of my and most of my boyfriend’s meals, which is a pretty typical month.
       I cook with very little meat (a pound of beef or sausage some weeks, a chicken once in a while, venison/elk if someone’s been hunting), and have become ruthless about minimizing food waste. That used to be a huge money leak for me.
       I buy seasonal produce, and always check the discount rack at my supermarket for stuff about to go out of date.
       I plan meals so that all ingredients get used up, or leftovers can be turned into something else.
       Canned and frozen vegetables have a place, for taste, price and convenience. In many cases canned tomatoes > fresh. Likewise frozen > trucked in out of season.
       Most of my salads are spinach, cabbage or kale rather than lettuce, since those can all be used in other recipes.
       Right now, my biggest money leak for groceries is sodas, and I could stand to tighten up a bit there.
       Other than the occasional frozen pizza, there really isn’t any convenience/heat and eat food in my cart. The options in a rural area with one small store aren’t great, so the temptation isn’t really there.

    9. As a single person I spent roughly $400-$500/mo. So, if you scale up for a family of 4 we’re about the same.

       I pretty much only eat out if I’m socializing with a friend (happy hour or drinks 2-3x a week, a full meal 1-2x a month). I do host (low key host like have 1-2 friends over for a bottle of wine and easy snacks 1-2x a week, more involved hosting 1-2x a month). I also do a mix of totally homemade meals and easy convenience food.

    10. That already sounds really cheap

    11. If you rounded up expenses for an entire year, is it possible your average includes one-off expenses, like buying for a party? We spend about $800 per month for two adults and two toddlers, but we have a separate line item in our budget when we buy for parties, re-stock alcohol, large quantities of Halloween/Easter/Christmas foods, etc. If we needed to cut back for a spouse losing a job, we’d cut all those separate items out before cutting our monthly grocery budget.

    12. Groceries are expensive right now, and it always costs more to avoid cheap, simple carbs. I tell myself I’m spending it on lowering my A1C and that a drug that worked as well as diet has done would cost at least much!

        Costco isn’t always the best deal around for meat these days. Depending on where you live, you might be able to save some $ shopping at the downtown Asian market, the “rural” meat market that’s really only a 15 minute drive outside the city, or the local farm that will sell you a quarter cow if you have the freezer space for it (etc.).

        1. Buying bulk meat is a game changer for our budget. We buy a hog and a half beef each year from a farmer and buy trout at Costco. My chicken source is expensive (but delish), so that’s my splurge protein.

           1. We still like Bell & Evans and Springer Farms chicken, but we’ve found some wonderful local farms for pork and beef. I’m thinking of getting a standing freezer to take advantage of bulk discounts.

              I often have mixed feelings about eating meat, but I’m enthusiastic about supporting these farms based on their standards for animal welfare, land stewardship, and conservation.

           2. Tell me more about that. How are you storing all this meat? What the final $ per lb? When I priced this out about a year ago from a few local farms, the beef ended up about $10-11 a lb (processed takehome weight) and that was for everything including cheaper cuts and ground beef. It’s probably tastier but the total seemed higher in average than storebought. Is it more satisfying? Like I can eat half a chicken breast from a homegrown chicken and feel fuller than half a whole storebought chicken.

              What do you buy at the Asian market? I feel like duck and short ribs there are just as expensive as our Town & Country. What else should I look for there? I buy their squid and whole fish but not sure what else to look for.

    13. Are you satisfied with the food itself in terms of quality, nutrition or any health goals? Can you afford your current budget? Do you have food waste?

        Food is important, and it’s okay to prioritize food within your budget as it allows.

        If you do want some tweaks, there is plenty to choose from. The easiest is to add time. Time to meat that are slow-cooked – don’t get steak but a roast to put in the slow-cooker or in a stew. Do half mince half red lentils for things like lasagna, chili or moussaka. Use dried legumes, not canned. Make your own stock from chicken carcasses, make split pea soup from ham bones, put vegeable scraps and bones in the freezer for stock, get a CSA or seconds vegetable box to eat in season etc. All of those things take more time than steak and farro, but they are cheaper.

        If you do tofu a few times a month, what about eggs? Omelets and frittatas are great. If you want to introduce some vegetarian options, Indian curries and daals with chickpeas or paneer are a great way to get loads of flavor. Indian lamb curries are also a great way to get fantastic results from cheaper cuts of lamb or goat.

        Why do you not have simple carbs? For health reasons, for a particular diet or because it’s not fashionable? Whatever reason, it’s fine, but starch is the absolute cheapest of foods, so that will always be a way to spend less if there’s an emergency situation. Rolled oats, potatoes or less fancy grains or pseudo cereals will be cheaper than the ones you mentioned, and may have the same nutritional values.

        I would try to do some price comparisons with different stores, it’s unlikely that Costco is the best deal for you. A Kroger or Aldi, if you’ve got one, may have more options, if you are willing to spend time to plan. The big bulk stores want you to spend more on items you don’t really know how to compare or have a reference for, they will never be the best overall on deals even on items it feels smart to buy in bulk.

        Snacks – you can save money by making things like like cookies, bars, protein/fat bombs, make popcorn, fruit crumbles, granola for yogurts, muffins, flatbread crackers, hummus, roasted almonds, boiled eggs or falafels.

    14. I think Costco is expensive. I have a membership but it’s genuinely cheaper for me to grocery shop at normal stores for most items.

    15. I spend a lot less, but we’re almost vegetarian (chicken 1x/week and fish 1x/week). I buy pretty much everything I can organic and buy exceptionally high quality produce from the farmers’ market, which isn’t cheap. I think it probably helps to live in the Bay Area, which, while expensive, is close to a lot of wonderful farms so the produce is amazing.

        I buy what I can at Trader Joe’s, which provides really good value for foods like nuts, cheeses, pasture-raised eggs etc.

    16. We average about $250 per week for a family of 3. That does include paper products and most personal care items like shampoo and toothpaste, although there are a few things I order from Target or Amazon like tea and frozen blueberries because I want a specific brand.

        We eat out a fair amount though, 1-2 times per week, and tend to order things like Indian food that we get several meals out of. We also eat a lot of vegetarian meals and our kid eats school lunch most days. Your spending doesn’t seem unreasonable to me if you mostly cook at home and eat more meat.

    17. Family of 5, kids are 6-12. We easily spend $1k/month, likely more if you count cusp items (DH’s protein powder, dish soap, that sort of thing).

        I do a shopping trip once a week and it’s $200, plus we fill in the gaps as needed. Plus takeout. Plus stuff that we get on auto ship.

    18. A big factor may be the age of your kids. When my boys were in high school, they ate 4 meals a day, and they had huge appetites. Breakfast at home before 7, early lunch around 11, another meal around 3:30-4 after sports practice and then dinner at 7.

16. Need a thank you gift for a very creative and talented young woman in 20s who did the floral designs/flowers for a family wedding….what would you send? champagne/wine? elegant bath products for her apartment? it is a thank you, so cash and gift cards don’t seem personal enough? Please send ideas..

    1. did you already pay her for this service or she did it for free and now you want to thank her?

       1. She did it for free and sort of as a gift but I want to send something to thank her because her work was truly incredible and she went above and beyond…

    2. If I were in my 20s, I’d rather have cash than anything else.

       1. What is the best way to send cash? physical Visa gift card? virtual Visa gift card? check? please advise

          1. “Hey Taryn what’s your Venmo want to send a thank you for the flowers”. Drop her $500, flower emoji, heart emoji

             1. Oh wow! That is excellent advice! Thank you!

             2. This is the way.

          2. No Visa gift cards, they are weirdly hard to spend.

             1. I hate Visa gift cards with the passion of a thousand suns. I’d rather get Target or Amazon.

             2. Another vote for no Visa gift cards. They’re so hard to spend. Target or Amazon is fine.

          3. NO to Visa gift cards. They are really annoying to spend. Check or Venmo.

             1. Thank you Cat and everyone….Venmo is the way to go..someone recommended $500. Does that seem like the right amount?

    3. Cash

    4. Cash and referrals if she’s in business

17. We do eat chicken. I didn’t mention as it’s our cheapest protein, costs less than the veg portion of the meal.

18. I’m looking for everyone’s favorite fish recipes for dinner. For health reasons, I want to cook more fish and less meat. Preference for meals that can be made in 45 minutes or less.

    1. Heat olive oil with minced garlic and a squirt of anchovy paste. Add some chopped tomatoes. Squish them down with a potato masher to make a thick sauce. Add some roughly chopped kalamata olives, then some chunks of cod. Simmer until the fish is cooked –about 4 minutes. Serve with mashed potato (yes! cuz it holds up well) and minced parsley. Fish should not take more than 20 minutes start to finish.

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