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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
J.Crew Factory is back at it this season with an A+ selection of fun tops for the office. This blue/ivory print is one of my favorites of the collection. I would wear it with a navy midi skirt and cozy cardigan this winter and switch it up with some white trousers and a navy blazer for the spring.
If you’re looking for brighter colors to get through the doldrums of winter, this top also comes in a bright fuchsia.
The blouse is $46.50–$52.50 at J.Crew Factory and comes in sizes XXS–3X.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
nuqotw
My kid, who is enough to know better years old, wiped his cereal and milk stained face on my silk shirt this morning after breakfast. Then he laughed. My look today is “I grabbed this top out of my room in the dark.”
Anonymous
That happened to me when my kid was a toddler, haha. I called it the ‘running late and no time to change’ look. It was super embarrassing, even when other mothers commiserated.
Ellen
I hope you counseled him. I would be LIVID! That’s how come I wear older clothes when I am babysitting for my sister’s kids in Chapaqua. I do bring nice stuff in case we go out to eat or to the Club, but with the kid’s I wear my jeans and a top that I do not care if they throw up on.
Anon
Keep extra clothes in your office so you always have a clean backup!
nuqotw
I’m wondering why I never kept a back up top at work but I think I will now. I’ve always kept a back up suit.
Anonymity
Several years ago I ran home after work to feed my baby mushed vegetables/apples in a high chair before dashing off to an important client evening meeting with several government officials I had never met. As I was confidently giving my legal opinion I pulled my hair behind my ears only to feel a mushy sticky mess…yes mushy vegetables matted to the side of my head.
Vicky Austin
Pretty sure I did this to my mother with blueberry yogurt and a classroom full of teenagers!
Anon
I laughed out loud and startled people around me.
Anonymous
My workplace has a well regarded daycare right across the street. One of my coworkers was running around all afternoon with her shirt inside out because she had gone over to nurse her infant at lunch.
Anon
I’m going to an all inclusive resort next week. Do I have to wear skirts/dresses to the restaurants? Will black pants and a nice sleeveless dressy blouse do? I hate wearing skirts and dresses and I’m so uncomfortable wearing them.
Anon
You don’t need to wear dresses. You probably don’t even need to wear black dress pants. Most all inclusive resorts aren’t that fancy. They don’t want swimwear in the sit down restaurants but that’s about it. Jeans or nice shorts are usually fine.
anon
no – pants/blouse will be great! i find that all inclusive resorts are really “anything goes.” people will be in alllll different things.
Anon
I don’t know if your resort is fancier than the ones I’ve been to, but people will be wearing whatever in my experience.
Anonymous
You have to. Otherwise you’ll be shunned. Banned for life probably. Your children also.
I’m honestly confused by this question, you almost never have to wear a dress or skirt anywhere. Is it tropical? A cute romper or jumpsuit will be so much more fun than business casual black pants. Tell us more and we’ll help you brainstorm outfits.
Anon
Why? Here’s what the Greenbrier website says for their main dining room, dinner:
“DINNER Ladies and gentlemen in their finest. Jacket and tie required for men and dresses or evening suits for women. Men’s hats and baseball caps are not permitted.”
I could definitely understand if someone is going to there or a similar resort, asking if slacks and a dressy top is enough. Why are you confused by this?
(And they don’t “shun” you — they ask you to leave the dining room or simply don’t seat you.)
PolyD
Maybe people are reading “all inclusive resort” as “beach resort,” in which case, the thought that just don’t wear a swimsuit to the restaurants is likely accurate.
Anon
Agreed. But even at a non-beach resort, all-inclusive skews more casual. Like the non-beach all-inclusives I can think of are mostly spa resorts and you can go to the resort restaurants in yoga pants or a bathrobe, so it’s arguably even more casual than the beach places.The Greenbrier isn’t all-inclusive, and neither are the other fussy, formal resorts I can think of.
Anonymous
Reading as Sandals or Club Med. No need to dress up there.
Anonymous
Yeah so even at the greenbrier evening suiting is specifically permitted. They’re not kicking you out for pants at the same level of formality as a dress, which is what I thought she was indicating with the pants idea. I specifically asked her for more details, which is more than most posters.
And yes, I’m joking but I’m still struggling to think of a situation where a skirt or dress would be permissible but the equivalent pant outfit would not be. I don’t think your example is one.
Anon
Slacks and a sleeveless blouse is not an evening suit, any more than slacks, button down, no tie, no jacket is a suit for men.
And my point stands regardless. There are plenty of resorts that explicitly request a certain level of formality and there is nothing wrong with wanting to dress appropriately.
NYCer
I am pretty sure Anonymous at 9:04 was joking. At least that is how I read it!
Anon
9:04 was joking. I read the 9:43 poster as mocking the 9:04 poster for joking about it, because stuffy places like the Greenbrier do have a dress code. But even at the stuffiest places women can wear pants. It’s 2023.
Anon
A lot of people are ignorant or don’t stop to think, so they just go straight to mockery. Her follow up comments made this clear – she doesn’t understand formal wear (slacks and sleeveless blouse =/= evening suit) nor the remedies that establishments have (not seating people who are dressed inappropriately).
Anonymous
Oh calm down. I’ve literally been to the greenbrier and the 21 club and seemingly every country club on the east coast that requires jackets for men at dinner. I never said pants and a sleeveless top were equivalent to an evening suit and you know that. I said the pant equivalent in formality is always appropriate.
I was joking because I’ve never seen a woman asked to leave for wearing a pants of appropriate formality and I suspect you haven’t either in at least 30 years. The idea that a woman can’t wear pants and look appropriate and amazing is outdated and I’m trying to encourage the op to look and feel her best. I’m struggling to understand why you’re so committed to the idea that formality must equal a dress. That idea is outdated and should be put to rest.
Anon
I used to mistake sarcasm for wit. Then I grew up.
Anonymous
Nah. You became jaded.
Anon
The Greenbrier is pretty much the opposite of an all-inclusive resort.
Anonymous
You may want to make sure you have dressier sandals and any men or boys with you have nicer shoes than athletic shoes or flip flops. A resort I stayed at with my family had a nicer restaurant and my husband and sons couldn’t come with me because they just had running shoes and flip flops. But maybe you’d be okay having a meal alone. :)
Anon
Whoa! What resort was that? Flip flops I get because of the open toes but I’ve stayed in some very nice resorts and my husband had never had any issues getting into restaurants in sneakers.
Anonymous
Costa Rica. To be clear, it applied to one restaurant on the resort, not every one.
anon
I think that’s a great rule. Sneakers and flip flops aren’t formal and are not appropriate for a formal restaurant.
Anon
Oh please. It’s a resort, most likely in the tropics. People are on vacation and the weather is hot and humid.
Anonymous
And there are a lot of other options. No one is being starved. At one restaurant the resort has chosen to provide a specific experience to customers who want that. People who do not want to participate have plenty of other options.
Anon
Dress codes at resorts are going the way of the dinosaurs. Even the highest end cruise lines are dropping their dress codes, and I remember formal nights being a big deal on the mass market cruises my family did as a kid.
Anon
Where is it? I cannot imagine wearing black pants and a blouse in any tropical location.
Anon
+1
Shorts!
Anonymous
Maybe linen pants, unless you’re committed to melting in the heat?
Ellen
It depends on where the resort is and what their dress code is. Call them and if you don’t need to wear skirts or dresses to the restaurants, they’ll tell you. My experience is that the nicer places do NOT want women coming in dressing causal; as they want to women to dress appropriately but NOT wearing a tee shirt and capri pants, particularly if you’re like me, with a tuchus.
anon
which resort?
Anon
I just came back from an all inclusive resort. I wore a bathing suit with a swim cover up in the buffet. At the sit down restaurants, I wore a casual dress. No one was wearing pants, too warm.
Anon
Wear some flowy linen pants or capris if you must do pants, but I think you’ll be too warm. Why not shorts?
Anon
Watch White Lotus, it basically nails the resort vibe.
Anon
Lol no. I love the show for escapist fun but it’s set at an insanely $$$$ resort and has an insanely $$$$ wardrobe budget. I like luxury travel but no one I know in real life dresses like that on vacation.
Anon
Well I do. Sooooo . . . It’s just a lot of dresses and linen and you can get the look at Old Navy.
Anon
I mean, if you’re shopping at Old Navy you don’t look like the characters on White Lotus. They look extremely expensive, that’s the whole point of the show.
Anon
I’m not actually shopping at Old Navy, but my point is you can pick up a reasonable resort wardrobe there.
Anon
Like literally anything on this page would be better than work pants
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/category.do?cid=1159705&&nav=hamnav%3AWomen%3ANew%20%26%20Now%3ASpring%20Break%20Shop#pageId=0&department=136
thanksgiving anxiety
most people I know dress like that on vacation, albeit at varying price points. I think it sounds depressing to wear business casual at a beautiful beach resort.
Anon
Oh I agree it’s unusual to wear business casual on vacation. I was saying that the people I know wear shorts and t-shirts and swim coverups on vacation, and even at expensive resorts you don’t need to dress like White Lotus characters. That kind of attire feels over the top fancy to me.
OP
Thanks all for the replies. I’m going to Eldorado Royale Casitas in Cancun. Temps are in the 80s during the day and the 70s at night. I don’t mind wearing pants because I run cold. I am going to get a pair of dressier shorts to have as well. I am postpartum with body issues so I struggle with finding clothes right now. I feel most put together in nice pants and blouses.
Marshmallow
Absolutely wear pants and blouses if that’s what makes you feel good. I would consider getting a lighter-colored pair of pants or even just something non-black. Army green or navy are just as forgiving as black but can both skew tropical with the right shirt. Have fun!
PolyD
Might be hard to find now, but some wide leg linen pants with a nice top would probably be good. That’s how I dressed to go out last summer in DC (so hot).
I am a big fan of the wide leg flowy pants. Add a nice top and some fun earrings and you are set.
Anon
Cancun resorts are super casual. You won’t be asked to leave a restaurant unless you’re in a bathing suit.
Cat
you will feel out of place in “dress pants” – by all means wear pants but like, linen pants will be more than fine.
thanksgiving anxiety
+1 and it’s such a missed opportunity to wear what I think is the best category of clothing… poplin maxi dresse, printed dresses with fun cutouts, matching skirt/crop top sets etc….I live for resort wear.
I recently bought some deeply discounted Agua Bendita, Faithfull the Brand, and Caroline Constas that I’m saving for my next vacation. I usually find them 60-80% off at Net-a-Porter, Shop Bop, or regular department stores.
anon
OMG thank you for this list. I love this kind of resort wear and did not know these names.
Anon
I went there on my honeymoon 18 years ago! I don’t remember a dress code at any restaurants. I think I wore dresses most dinners because it was hot. DH wore linen short sleeve button downs with shorts. It was lovely. I fondly remember drinking coffee and eating room service breakfast on the balcony every morning. Enjoy!
Anon
thredup has off season clothes so you could buy summer pants there if you’d like.
Anon
The resort has dress code info on their web page. It varies by restaurant but this is for the fancier ones.
“To enhance our unique dining experience, please comply with the following casual elegant dress code in all gourmet restaurants.
Ladies: Capri pants, Dresses, Skirts, Long Pants, Shoes, Dress Sandals.
Gentleman: Formal Bermuda shorts, Long Pants, Collared shirts, Casual shoes or dress sandals.
Permitted: Formal bermudas and formal sandals.
Not Permitted:: Baseball caps, peaks, tank tops & flip-flops and sport shorts.”
You’ll be completely fine if you don’t wear swimwear or athletic wear.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I went to an AI once and sometimes wore dresses to dinner, sometimes wore white jeans. I’d lean light colored pants more than black, but if black is all you have, go for it! Add a cute summery top and nice sandals, and you’ll be just fine.
Anon
I love this top. I’ve bought so much cute stuff at J. Crew Factory in the last couple years! Regular J. Crew is far too expensive for the quality these days, at least for me in Canadian dollars.
Vicky Austin
I’ve been so impressed by them lately too! And will probably go right back to their loving arms if I need to update my work wardrobe post-baby without blowing a ton of $$.
JCF
Same. I wore my J. Crew Factory original schoolboy blazer yesterday, got home, took it off, and thought how happy I was to wear a jacket all day that was comfortable and looked good.
I also like Rag & Bone’s blazers, but they are really pricey…
Anon
I love it in the fuschia. Really happy to support a size-inclusive brand.
Paging the poster who is interested in becoming a pilot
To the poster yesterday afternoon who mentioned maybe becoming a pilot at age 50, wanted to send you a couple tips. The main variables for measuring if it’s worth it at 50 are the cost of flying lessons and the amount of time left to be a commercial pilot once you are qualified, but people become pilots as second careers all the time.
To become a commercial airline pilot, you need to be licensed and then have several hundred flying hours (minimum is 250, but many US carriers require more). It takes a year or two to get your license (depends on how much time you devote to it). Many pilots get their flight hours by taking entry level flying jobs (flying skydivers, scenic tourism flights, crop dusting, etc), but you could also get hours just by renting a plane and flying yourself around (this is expensive because you have to cover the fuel and rental costs).
If your worry is it will take too long to qualify for pilot jobs if you start at 50, a great option would be to start pursuing the licensing much earlier. These can easily be done on weekends, and it might be easier to self-fund while you’re working. Then you could slowly rack up some hours flying casually (or possibly fly a few shifts a month at one of the jobs I mentioned) so that you get to 50 with most of the process behind you.
Many major carriers (United is one) are working hard to get more women pilots. You should look at programs specifically for this!
Anon
That was me, thank you for this info!
Anonn
Just adding on – I got my PPL (certificate, actually) on nights and weekends and haven’t gone further due to some significant life events. It’s a great hobby and I hope to return to it soon.
Do a cheap “discovery” flight at a local airfield before committing anything to this. I’ve known other people who immediately realised it wasn’t for them after that experience. I, otoh, realised it was definitely for me.
Drop a burner email if you want to chat about this further. I’m not a great resource for commercial license info, but may be able to share my experience on the first steps.
anon
Can I just say to the original OP how awesome it is that you’re considering this? This is so cool and I am deeply impressed by folks who make big changes later in life. I aspire to be you when I get there :)
Anon
Aw that’s very sweet of you. But this is really just a daydream at this point, I’m 37 and still have young kids. Just daydreaming about it as a possibility for my empty nester life.
pugsnbourbon
And I love how other folks chimed in with support and advice! I hope you give it a shot, OP!
Senior Attorney
This is all awesome. And on a mercifully-not-very-related note, this had Hubby and me in absolute stitches last night: https://mobile.twitter.com/abbyvesoulis/status/1620930207812325376 (Am I the A$$hole for Asking My Wife to Respect My Title As Pilot?)
Anonn
Hahaha I made my spouse refer to me as Captain the entire week I got my ppl
Anon
I died laughing at that when I saw it yesterday, and I forwarded it to nearly everyone I know!
Anon
My girls are in an activity that needs a lot of parent help (driving, organizing things, chaperoning, a coach and coach helpers / assistant coaches, all of which are volunteer jobs). During COVID, I helped out a lot because it was an outdoor activity and the only thing they had in a week where they had too much zoom school or zoom “activities.” Fast-forward . . . of the 25ish families, it seems like 5 (mainly the moms) have gone into some sort of fixation that if they replace the coach, all will be much better for their daughters. They don’t have a replacement at the ready. I doubt the other 20 families care much one way or the other and aren’t about to start coaching (which would put them in the crosshairs of the dramamammas). I now want to step back from this activity (maybe it is my ex’s turn to step up more, which he would do), but I worry that the mean moms will somehow start taking that out on my kids. Is that not the craziest thing to worry about? And yet, this is all so nutty. Maybe it is just time to fine another travel soccer team? One kid has a good friend on this one (the other is more agnostic, but might want to be where her sister is), which is my hesitation. It is legit coming up on a busy work season (tax returns), so I can dial back for a bit. Yuck.
Anon
Do your kids like travel soccer? Maybe time to just quit altogether. In my experience travel teams get nuttier as the age group gets older and parents become more intense about it.
Anonymous
My experience was the opposite–the insane parents who had delusions that their kids were going to the Olympics were the ones whose kids dropped out first. This was at the level of “very serious 20 hours a week but no one is getting a D1 scholarship.” On the elite track YMMV.
Anon
Tax season gives you the perfect excuse to dial back, and then just never resume. Honestly, I would consider the team switch, because in my experience, the parents and kids who cause drama about one thing will find a new topic soon, if the current concern is resolved.
Anonymous
Veteran travel sports mom here. The fact that the parents run the show and have the power to replace the coach is super weird. I’d find a real soccer club that handles all the administration. At a professionally run club the parents should only be responsible for paying their bills and getting the kids where they need to go, mayyyybe some fund-raising or working at meets if there is a booster club. Less parental involvement = less drama. I wouldn’t stay just for social reasons. I made my kid switch clubs because of coaching issues, leaving one of her best friends behind at the old club. They missed seeing each other at practice every day but they remained friends and spent time together outside of the sport.
Anon
+1
My kid had a club coach we didn’t really like (borderline verbally abusive, I don’t think military boot camp tactics are necessary for middle school girls playing field hockey) and we just moved clubs. It was basically that coach’s club and “my way or the highway.”
If your issue with the coach is that your team is not winning enough games or your kid isn’t the star of the club, then that’s parental overreach.
anon
I have yet to meet a travelling sports team that doesn’t have any sort of parent drama. If this is a manageable level of parent drama and your daughter has friends on the team, I’d stick it out.
Anon
For shoe people — talk to me about “welted construction.” I think that this means that you get a better quality leather shoe that is worth re-soling when the sole wears out and is a good quality investment. And the welted shoes I’ve looked at (mainly chelsea boots and loafers) are not inexpensive to be sure. A lot of them are European brands. Are there any that are good for American duck feet (wider forefoot / high arches)? Ferragamo et al run a bit narrow for my feet in M width; W slips off my heel. Also, any welted brands that make something like a pointy-toe flat or something like a pump with a 1″-2″ heel (vs strappy sandals)? I might just become a 3-pairs of quality shoes person b/c my 2019 shoes look a sad and beat up.
Anon
I have a pair of Red Wing Chelsea boots that are welted construction. I really like them. Can’t comment on flats or pumps, but I have a few pairs of cute Clarks heels and sandals which I love.
Anon
There are two types you’ll see: Goodyear welt and blake stitch.
Because of the construction technique (lots of YT videos out there to describe the intricacies of how both types are made), you won’t find something sleek like a pointy toe flat or pump. There’s simply too much bulk to make it look right (compared to what you’re probably visually used to). Carmina makes some lovely women’s loafers, oxfords and heeled boots. As far as fit goes, shoes are as personal as bras, that is entirely personal. A lot of people, if they only ever wear sneakers and regular light, cemented, dress shoes take a while to get used to the sturdier feel of GYW shoes. I grew up wearing boots and loafers, so I tend to have the opposite experience re: fit.
Birkenstock and similar shoes can be resoled as well, but they are not welted.
Anon
I deleted Facebook several years ago. However, my husband and I are planning to try to conceive soon and I’m realizing that Facebook may be a resource that I’ll need – for example, many of my friends have found great used baby items from Facebook Marketplace that are normally quite pricy. I also would like to find a board for pregnant women and moms in my city to ask questions about local resources (lactation consultants, night nurses, daycare, etc.). Is Facebook the best place for that? Is it worth me creating a new account?
Anon
Yeah, I also hate Facebook but a lot of local neighbourhood stuff is on there, in my experience. In addition to Marketplace, you can find local buy nothing groups for your neighbourhood.
Anonymous
+1 to the Buy Nothing group. I see so many baby things going around my Buy Nothing group, including pumps and pumping supplies
Vicky Austin
This is the only reason I still have Facebook, to be honest! I think it’s worth finding out what’s out there, and if it makes you feel better, you can create a slightly more anonymized account. In fact, I just joined a few larger groups at the recommendation of my BFF and some people are able to post as “group member” with a blue incognito sort of icon? (I haven’t had the app itself in many years, so not sure if this is standard or readily doable, but the option appears to be there!)
Anon
Yes, that’s all I use it for. You could probably just reactive your old one.
Anon
I deleted all social media a few years back, and even as a new mom, I haven’t needed it. I belong to a moms group at my church and my son started preschool at just over a year; between those two communities I have enough contacts that I don’t need to rely on social for recommendations, used gear, etc. I was worried about it at first bc everyone said FB was critical for that stuff, but I’ve been fine without it.
NYCer
I find the local Facebook moms or parents groups to be helpful for local recommendations, etc. I also know several people who have found their nannies via recommendations from these type of groups. I think it would be worth it to create a new account for this purpose.
Anon
I’ve never had facebook and I’ve never had trouble finding resources through other means – Goodwill, the many second-hand kids’ item franchises, other moms from daycare are good for second-hand stuff. But maybe I just don’t know what I’m missing.
Anon
Create a new Facebook profile but modify your name enough so that it won’t come up when people search.
We love freebies
this – it’s very easy to create a very bare minimum facebook account with no verifiable pictures of you and no use whatsoever. I use FB for neighborhood groups/news and buy nothing and it’s fantastic. I don’t friend anyone (even though it still knows/recommends EVERYONE in my phone contacts and email) and I try to use it incognito mode, which I’m sure is just me fooling myself into internet security.
but yes – FB can be dead useful for free stuff!
Anon
I don’t get the need for this, you control what you put on there. I do a lot of marketplace and buy nothing and I’ll never pick someone who doesn’t have a real name or pics, I assume they’re scammers or worse. Same for people who don’t have friends on there. Just be a real person and don’t post things that are embarrassing or whatever you wouldn’t want someone at work to know.
Cat
I think the person suggesting this means that if your ‘real’ name is, say Jane Marie Doe, lots of people do the thing where they use Jayne Marie as the fb name, not Jane Doe.
Anon
It has nothing to do with privacy (for me) – I found that I was spending more time than I wanted on FB and it didn’t bring me any joy, particularly after the 2020 election with all of the political posts. I don’t want to get sucked back into that! I guess I could accept a few friends and mute them all…
Anon
I know lots of younger people do this because they don’t want their FB page to come up in a job search. Me, IDGAF
Anne-on
I would probably re-open an account for this. I pretty much only use Facebook for ‘mom’ purposes – there are LOTS of local facebook groups for sitters, au pairs (when we had one), freecycle, used baby stuff that is first come first served, my son’s pediatrician’s had a mom’s group on Facebook I joined, etc. etc.
anon
I would weigh the drawbacks and benefits before logging in, and make a plan to use FB strategically. Even just using FB for Buy Nothing and local parents’ groups can really suck one in and ultimately not be worth it.
BlueAlma
+1
This is why I don’t use it, even though I can see the upsides.
anon
I kept mine for this reason, although I only log on now and then, and mostly just to use the nanny/sitters group that seems to draw a large pool of available sitters (and it’s how I’ve found both of my nannies in the past). There is also a local moms group but I didn’t use it as much, though I do know it can be very useful depending on the city.
Anon
I do not use Facebook and would not start for just kid stuff. There are other ways to find used baby items (biannual kid resale events at schools or churches, kid to kid stores, family, friends).
The time stuck and risk of anxiety with Facebook is too high for me.
anon
+1
What I have used instead is the Freecycle group in my area. Just search “freecycle” and then enter your town – or any town near you. Wealthy towns probably give away good stuff! I give tons away, and post asking for things when I need them. I would also try Next Door site for your neighborhood.
If you are looking for more of a discussion/support group for new mom’s in your area, well… that’s different and I don’t know if that is there and it is certainly something that could be useful.
Anon
I’ve used it to find a nanny. And things like… a locksmith. Yes, I do find it useful (for at least either DH or I to have it). Recommendations for pediatricians, where to go to get a strep test… all sorts of stuff in the neighborhood moms groups especially.
Anonymous
As a parent I find that a lot of kid and community organizations and activities only post information to FB, so if you aren’t on FB you are out the loop. A lot of people I know have accounts only to follow those groups and don’t “friend” any individual people.
Anon
I am similarly fairly anti Facebook. I also just had a baby, and expected to get a lot of used stuff from there. I got nothing. My general sense was that lightly used things are sold through family / friends not to strangers, and the stuff that went on Facebook was in my opinion incredibly overpriced for the wear and tear on the item. I think both some neighborhoods groups are different but even more than that I think some personal preferences are different since I see some of what my friends buy from our same groups and would never pay the price they paid for it.
Anon
This must vary by area. So much high quality stuff is given away in our neighborhood’s buy nothing kids group. Although in a big city, it’s not a particularly affluent neighborhood
Anan
I quit FB two years ago because I found there was a lot of toxicity and gatekeeping with various FB groups that wasn’t great for my mental health. Think about why you quit in the first place and whether or not you will find it easy to focus your FB use. I have a hard time not falling into FB rabbit holes so I knew that getting back on wouldn’t be worth it for me.
In terms of FB’s value as a resource, think it depends on where you live. I live in the DC suburbs and there are a wealth of resources so I don’t have to turn to FB.
I find that I can still find baby gear on craigslist or via the neighborhood listserv or local parents listserv, or at the consignment store.
I also joined an in person mom’s group and that has been a much better support system/ means of getting references than anything on FB.
Also the c-moms site has been invaluable for me too.
Anonymous
I’m surprised this is causing so much angst. I use Facebook minimally. Mainly to keep up with a hobby group I belong to. It’s honestly no different than getting a newsletter from them other than the ability to interact if I want to. I ignore almost all friend requests and mute any of the few personal connections I have if they post regularly. If I encountered anything I thought was toxic I would just block the person. I don’t really see the big deal. I don’t put it on my phone, But when I want to connect with people in my hobby group and learn about events, it’s invaluable. I’ve met some great people and attended some fantastic things that I wouldn’t have known about otherwise. If the goal is to shop and that’s the only goal, then maybe just do poshmark or ebay. But I really don’t think Facebook has to be inherently evil if you put the right controls in place on your terms. (I also don’t have personal info like age, marital status, etc.)
Curious
+1, but I think the app is addictive. Using it in browser has allowed me to keep my use to what I want (cancer survivorship, Buy Nothing, my awesome Messenger group of moms with similar aged babies who I met through Buy Nothing, and occasionally talking to old friends).
Liza
I’ve realized that I do much better at “adding” positive habits (taking vitamins, flossing, going for a daily walk) than I do with adding “subtracting” habits (cutting out sugar and processed food, not scrolling social media). What are some positive “adding” habits that you’ve had success with in losing body fat and eating healthier?
Anon
Really just adding vegetables and then when I think I’ve added some, adding some more. My snacks now are all just fruit or veg and I always add a portion of veg to every meal, even if it already has veg in it.
Substituting
Eating baby carrots for a snack when hungry and substituting Fage Greek yogurt for ice cream or gelato at night for a snack. Sometimes I throw some dried fruit (dried pineapple is really good) into the yogurt. They aren’t fancy, but they’re easy to put into practice. I also eat Orville Redenbacher’s SmartPop when I want chips or something salty at night. It’s around 15 calories a cup.
I found substituting is easier than just trying to add.
Anon
What are your favorite ways to incorporate vegetables? I need to do this!
Ribena
I’ve been buying the pre prepared mini carrots in the supermarket and just snacking on them while I cook. Great way to add mindless veg and/or add veg to meals that have less veg in them.
Anne-on
I buy baby carrots, grape tomatoes, and broccoli crowns at the market and then at the beginning of the week rinse all the produce and chop up the broccoli into pieces. Everything then goes into tupperware containers – if veggies are washed/chopped and ready to grab I will eat them, otherwise they rot in my cripser.
Vicky Austin
This is what I do – and I also pay the premium for single-serving hummus to go with it. Totally worth it.
anonshmanon
For me, I was eating a lot of meals with zero fruit or veggies, and I thought about ways to add them to my staples, and found that it also elevates the dish a lot of the time. Spaghetti and tomato sauce now have at least a handful of mushroom or bell pepper in the sauce. Mac and cheese are jazzed up with cauliflower or brokkoli. A plain old sandwich is much nicer with a few leaves of lettuce, plus a piece of fruit on the side.
Also echoing the comment about pre-washing, and if possible chopping soon after grocery shopping. It’s really helpful.
AIMS
Moving more – walking, taking stairs, etc.
agree on healthier foods – if I start each dinner with a veggie soup or green salad, I eat a lot less of other stuff by default.
Auburn
Green starter is my top tip! If I’m having something less healthy like a big bowl of pasta or pizza, I always try to start with a small salad. It helps balance your blood sugar and also usually means I’ll feel fuller and eat less than I would otherwise.
Anon
I try to eat at least 30g of fiber a day. It’s hard to achieve without eating a diet that is mostly healthy.
Anonymous
Adding an iced latte made with 1% milk and one teaspoon of simple syrup in place of my lunchtime soda. Adding a dog who needs walking.
Anon
I try to eat as many different types of plants (fruits/veggies/grains/beans/nuts/seeds) per day and over course of a month as I can. This gets me to eat more fruits and veggies and also to eat more variety, rather than just going back to the same old things all the time.
Anonymous
Protein goal. It’s so much easier to focus on getting my protein and hitting my calories than just calories. (I have a significant amount of weight to lose.)
anon
– All meals and snacks must include both protein and fiber. They prevent your blood sugar from spiking.
– Drink 8 glasses of water per day. It reduces that “I’m not truly hungry but feel like eating” sensation
– Keep ready-to-eat healthy snacks on hand. I tend to reach for carby food out of pure laziness if my healthy options require prep work. I like a mix of fresh foods (fruit, nuts, hummus and precut veggies) and more substantial frozen options (a big batch of chicken meatballs I keep in the freezer).
Anne-on
+1 to the precut fruits/veggies. Our either my sitter or I will rinse off and cut up fruit and veggies on a Sunday/Monday. If they are prepped and ready to grab I eat about 50% more fruits and veggies vs. when I have to wash something/get a cutting board/etc. I will also intentionally chop extra veggies when I’m cooking at night for this purpose.
anon
Add the habit of not eating past 7pm. I know anything resembling intermittent fasting gets a lot of shade on this board but I truly feel so much better the next morning when I don’t eat after dinner.
anon
I am trying to do the more fruits/veg.
Dinner used to be one protein, one veg, one grain, one glass of non-fat milk. Now I cut out the typical carb most nights and do two substantial different veg or fruit. A sweet potato or purple potato can be one of my veg. Re-evaluate a good list of all vegetables and try to incorporate some new ones. A salad can be one of your veg. Salads don’t have to be lettuce, which I think is too boring.
I always have a bowl of clementines or similar on the table, so that grabbing one of those after dinner is a habit rather than something less healthy. There are always baby carrots in the fridge to grab. There are always cleaned cherry/mini tomatoes on the kitchen counter. There is always a big bowl of cleaned berries in the fridge. I take the time to wash these fruits and veg after buying so they are SO EASY to grab and eat when I need a nibble. And I just keep plenty of nuts around for easy snacks.
Anonymous
My favorite habit I’ve added is doing a lap around my office building when I go to the rest room and my steps have really added up! Sometimes I even do two laps. I also try to park further rather than closer and other little things to up my movements.
Anon
Two things I like to add for satiety are hummus and cottage cheese. For both of these, you get a lot of fullness because a reasonable portion is pretty large and dense. Cottage cheese is great for hitting protein targets. I like it with fruit.
I already eat a lot of veggies so the fullness factor and probably some fat was what was missing for me.
Anan
– Brush my teeth when the kids are getting ready for bed so I don’t snack at night.
– meal plan for two vegan dinners a week.
– walk or run on my lunch break
– making a batch or boiled eggs every week for a quick snack.
– when packing my kids’ lunches cutting up extra fruit and veggies for myself. (I figure if I want the kids to eat it, I should eat it too!)
Anon
As of this week I am officially back to my pre-COVID weight! I was in an essential role and gained about 15 lbs during COVID and I’m so thrilled to have taken it off! I still had about 8lbs or so I wanted to lose pre-COVID so I’m still working towards that goal weight, but I’m just thrilled to be back where I was!
Anon
Congrats! What worked for you?
OP
Thank you! After some half-hearted trying, a switch just “flipped” for me in September and I’ve been much healthier since that happened. I think after enough trying some of those changes I was trying to implement finally became habit.
– I track everything I eat in LoseIt. For a few months I was tracking everything but was only maybe 50% focused on eating well but then by November or so I was focused on tracking healthy foods. My diet before wasn’t bad, but there was room for improvement.
– I switched jobs in September and went from a subway commute to a 20 min walk to work, adding that 40 mins of walking 3-4x a week is definitely helpful! I live in a city without a car so 95% of the time I’m going somewhere I walk.
– The new job has a gym with workout classes. I’ve started going to a strength class 2x a week and then I spin or run 1-2x a week at home.
– The new job also has an in-house dietician in the gym, so I’ve met with her a few times. That’s when I really made my food swaps. I try to “eat the rainbow” with my produce, every meal (except breakfast) has a leafy green portion (even if it’s just a side salad I’m shoehorning in), and every meal (including breakfast) has at least 2 fruits or veg. I also have replaced my old snacks with fruit or veg.
– I still make room for any treat I want in my diet, I just plan it. I have a beer or a glass of wine most nights, I still have fries when I go out and ice cream when I stay in. I have a bagel for breakfast every Saturday, but I make sure its a good bagel from a local bakery and not a Thomas’ bagel or something that’s not worth the calories for me. I’m just more focused on planning to make sure I have the calories for those things and also I’ve worked on cutting portions of the treats.
– As for planning the treats: each morning I log everything I plan to eat in LoseIt and that gives me a rough idea of how many calories I can have for treats or something I want.
– I meal prep a bunch and so I probably eat homemade meals 90% of the time. I’ve focused on making basic swaps with my meal prep: chickpea or whole wheat pasta instead of regular, brown rice instead of white, homemade dressing instead of store bought.
– I also eat a lot of what I call convenience meals: my favorites are whole wheat toast with peanut butter and fruit, or a bowl of Cheerios or oatmeal. They’re quick and easy when I’m busy or tired and a lot healthier and cheaper than takeout! I also always keep a frozen Ellios pizza or Stouffer’s Mac and cheese in the freezer if I want very quick/easy or comfort food. Not healthy, but at least I can more easily track the calories than takeout.
I would say the biggest thing I changed was my snacks. My meals were always pretty healthy (oatmeal for breakfast, a big salad for lunch, chicken and broccoli for dinner) but my snacks would be treats. I now try to snack of things like a piece of fruit, baby carrots, greek yogurt, Babybel cheese, etc.
My dietician set my calorie goal for me around 1800 cal/day which is higher than I would have expected (I’m 5’5, started in the high 150s and now am at 140, hoping to get to 130 or so) and with the way I currently eat, there are many days where I am hovering around 1500 cals without even thinking about it.
LoseIt!
+1 for LoseIt!
Even the free version is much better than Noom.
Congratulations on hitting your goal.
JCF
Congratulations!
I just returned to a weight I’m happy with, and it’s good to not have my clothes feeling too tight. I kick started things with two months of Noom, which helped me pick up some good habits, and now I’m using LoseIt to track my food. It will be tough for me to lose any more without depriving myself, but I hit my goal of not feeling bad about myself.
anon
I am intrigued. This is probably the path I need to take. I am not happy with my weight and have struggled to stay the course with food tracking alone; I get burned out on it quickly. I know people criticize the red/yellow/green food distinctions but in what little I know about them, I’m not sure that would bug me all that much.
JCF
I thought the psychology tips in Noom were somewhat helpful. Noom just published a book and my sense from Reddit is that a lot of people were quitting Noom and just buying the book, so you could consider that along with food tracking on LoseIt or similar. I also weigh myself every day, which I know is not recommended for everyone, but Noom had a good perspective. When you weigh yourself every day, you see the fluctuations that occur due to eating a bunch of fries and salty foods the night before but don’t freak out because the overall trend is still good.
Here’s my take on the red/yellow/green food distinctions. They helped me make healthier choices. I now eat Dave’s Killer 21-grain bread with peanut butter instead of a Thomas white bread English muffin with peanut butter, which is better for me and more filling. I realized I really needed to start eating more fruits and veggies, so I accepted doing that the “easy” way. I buy precut, pre-washed veggies. I buy those colorful sweet mini peppers from Costco. I buy the container of colorful mini tomatoes. I eat grapes instead of raisins. So it’s useful in the sense of resetting and helping me make better choices in the moment. But I never hit the red/yellow/green ratio Noom recommended, and it didn’t stop me from making progress.
I don’t know. Weight loss is hard and so is maintaining it. I’ve been in menopause for a couple of years now and I know my body is going to look different. So my goal was to drop about 5 pounds so my clothes fit better and I felt better when I looked in the mirror. Now, my goal is to maintain by continuing the habits I built. Hopefully it will work.
I should say I also work out regularly (spin, yoga, weights), but I’ve never found that exercise made much of a different for weight loss. It just means I’m staying healthy and hopefully have some defined muscles for sleeveless tops. :-)
Anon
WTG!
Anon
My cousin has had COVID 4 times! He’s fully vaxxed/boosted and in his late 30s, no other preexisting conditions. He seems to generally have a weak immune system, the type of person who always catches the flu every year, too. Are there any steps he can take to strengthen immunity? I’m really worried about him! He went to the hospital this 4th time.
Anonymous
I mean, I’ve had it twice and we don’t dine indoors and still wear masks in public. Anyone who thinks they haven’t had it multiple times hasn’t tested themselves enough.
But that said: avoid crowded indoor spaces unless you’re masked up. Sit near the door in restaurants; keep windows open where you can. Wear a mask. Just because the government doesn’t think it’s worth the headache of dealing with antivaxxer craziness, doesn’t mean it isn’t the right thing to do.
Anon
I haven’t had it. My husband had it and I tested constantly when he had it, so I think it’s very unlikely I had it asymptomatically.
OP my boss just had it for the fifth time! And he got super sick the fourth and fifth times. He’s fully vaxxed/boosted but has an autoimmune condition. I think some people are just very susceptible to it for whatever reason. Other than my boss, everyone I know has had it 1-2 times. Sorry for your cousin, hope they’re doing better now.
Anon
OP here – your poor boss! AFAIK, I haven’t had it. Every time I’ve felt sick, I tested negative with rapids. Its possible I had it and was asymptommatic. I hadn’t heard of anyone getting it more than twice, so I was panicking when my cousin called and told me. He is home now, just stayed at the hospital for the day for observation and fluids. Hopefully this is the last time!
Anon
Same, I test for every symptom and after any travel because we spend a lot of time with my elderly parents (who also haven’t had it but they’re extremely cautious – they don’t even grocery shop in person – so it makes sense). I don’t know anyone over age 30 who had it fully asymptomatically and I tend to get pretty sick from colds and flus so I really don’t believe I had it without knowing.
I feel so bad for my boss and your cousin. It just sucks to get it again and again.
Anon
I’m 42 and I commented below that I’ve had it 4 times. I was fully asymptomatic for two of those – I only tested bc I had known exposure and never got sick.
Anon
We’re you fully symptomatic the first time? That’s what I really meant. I do know people who had it asymptomatically the second time.
Anon
*fully asymptomatic I mean
Anon
I have had it 3x, still working from home except for mandatory meetings where I mask with a KN95, no indoor dining, no flying, no parties or concerts, etc. I am fully vaxxed and boosted and have no underlying health conditions of which I am aware. And yet, my sister is an ER nurse and she has never gotten covid, although everyone she works with has. I think some people are more susceptible for reasons yet unknown.
anon
I was very mildly symptomatic the first time (like, some post-nasal drip and mild tiredness, and I lost my sense of smell for about 72 hours). My son was sicker (high fever and so much snot) so I was really fortunate to not be ill while I was looking after him…
Anon
I’ve had it once, very mildly and very late in the cycle, but tested at every sniffle so no, people do not all get it all the time. I second that most people I know have had it once, a few twice but I also know a handful that have had it many times. As the responder points out, some people are going to be more susceptible than others.
Anon
I was a “super dodger” until this week and oh man it has s*cked. Two days of total incapacitation. I also tested a lot and believe this was my first experience. I have a pretty strong immune system, but am recovering from surgery a few weeks ago and caught it the first weekend I re-entered society after surgery … I suspect my system couldn’t respond at its normal level when it was also still recovering from surgery.
Original OP – has your cousin talked to his doctor about potential underlying issues? I wonder if he may be a candidate for the drugs that are supposed to help certain immunocompromised people fight off covid (I think it’s evushield? but also not sure if that’s one that doesn’t work well against omicron).
I know a lot of two-timers now, most people I know are one-timers, and a very small handful of nevers.
Anon
I’ll suggest this to him!
Anon
I’m pretty sure we haven’t had it. Spouse and I have both been WFH since March 2020 and haven’t been even the slightest bit sick since then. I have a chronic illness that keeps me at home a lot anyway, so we haven’t been out that much, and it seems pretty possible that we really haven’t gotten it (we’ve also had all the vaccinations).
The thing about your immune system is that the last thing you want to do is strengthen it! That’s what causes autoimmune diseases or kills you when you get covid. You just want it to work properly, and the best thing you can do is make sure you’re well rested, eating healthy, and getting a decent amount of (but not too much) exercise. And just have good genetics and luck (maybe due to early exposure to the right things and not to the wrong things?). Some people clearly have better immune function and we really don’t know why.
Anon
My husband and son have both never had it and we do test if people have symptoms. I’ve had it once and it came right up on the test (test line was pink before the control line fully developed) and so I don’t think they somehow got it but didn’t test positive. We’ve all had a couple of colds in the last two years (since we got vaccinated) but that’s all they were, according to the negative Covid test results.
My husband has always been pretty bulletproof when it comes to getting sick – if I get a cold that takes me down for a couple of days, he will barely get the sniffles. (I attribute this to him growing up in the desert in a mobile home where his mom took in stray animals to foster/rehabilitate, and was kind of a lackadaisical housekeeper – he got exposed to a lot more allergens and bacteria when he was young. By contrast, my mom was an obsessive cleaner, cleaned everything with bleach and/or antibacterial spray, and would not allow us to have indoor pets as she couldn’t deal with the hair/dander/whatever they’d tracked in. And now my brother and I both have autoimmune problems.) My son was sick so much in his first two years at daycare that I think he picked up a lot of natural immunity that way. I can’t say for sure whether my husband or son have had asymptomatic infections as we have not tested if they’re not symptomatic, other than when we’ve traveled to see my parents (which has only happened twice in the last two years – and both times we were negative).
Anon
I tested every time I had an exposure or didn’t feel 100% and I didn’t get it until November. Since I got my second dose of the original vaccine in March 2021, I fully resumed “normal life”: indoor dining and bars; maskless in stores, restaurants, friend’s houses, public transportation and the like. I only masked or followed precautions when I was in an establishment that requested it or when visiting an immunocompromised elderly grandparent.
Anonymous
No one in my family had it until January 2022, and we all got pretty sick when we had it (kids included) so I’m confident it was the first time for all of us. We were Covid cautious though and wore masks in most indoor public spaces (the exception is that our kids have been no masks at school and playdates since May 2022, when school mandate was lifted).
Anonymous
January 2023! Got my years messed up. We had it last month.
Anon
I’m a unicorn. I haven’t had it though I may have had it the second week of March 2020 and couldn’t get tested. I was so, so sick for 9 days and coughed for 6 months.
But I know I haven’t had it since. I’m pretty locked down due to being medicated for an autoimmune disease – which happened mid-2020, I’m not convinced it’s unrelated to whatever happened in March 2020 – and since I take a biologic and a DMARD, I’m considered immunocompromised. Like I qualified for evusheld.
Anyway, I don’t have to work in an office, thankfully, and I don’t have to go to the grocery store because we do delivery or my husband is willing to go, masked, so that leaves socializing, dining out, and travel. I travel a lot less than I used to though we still do road trips, and we mostly dine and socialize outside – thank you, California.
Anon
I’ve tested positive 4 times. I’m up to date on shots, and generally have a very strong immune system. That being said, I’ve never been sick when I was positive beyond mild sniffles.
Anon
Has he had his Vitamin D levels checked?
Anon
I don’t think so. I suggested he get a full bloodwork panel when he’s well, which he agreed is a good idea. It’s been awhile since he had any tests.
Anon
I don’t think so. I suggested he get a full bloodwork panel when he’s well, which he agreed is a good idea. It’s been awhile since he had any tests.
Anecdata
If you feel like you have the kind of relationship with him where this would be welcome, it might be worth encouraging him to see a PCP and just make sure there’s no medical cause of weakened immunity that should be checked out. It’s not impossible, but 30, no other risk factors, fully vaccinated with all the boosters (and with no risk factors I think that would mean only having been eligible for the bivalent booster in fall 2022, so recently boosted too), combo immunity from prior infections and still getting sick enough to be hospitalized sounds unusual
Anon
Immune deficiency is a real possibility. He can get a referral to an immunologist for evaluation.
anon
hmmmm…. Doctor here. I mean, 4x isn’t out of the question for an active young person who goes out a lot without wearing masks/precautions and has in person work. Is that him?
I would definitely not want to have COVID 4x or more because the cumulative effects are unclear, and would first consider just trying to be more careful. Maybe he needs to start wearing masks when indoors and certainly around people who he doesn’t know. I would try to get him into a routine of keeping hand sanitizer with him and in his home, and ideally, wash hands whenever you get home or get to work and before eating, and try to keep hands away from eyes/mouth in general.
I also agree that he should see his primary care doctor and have a thorough physical and make sure there isn’t anything else going one. It is true that simply supplementing Vitamin D, if low, has many benefits. There are no real proven things that improve immunity but clearly eating a healthy diet and getting enough sleep and exercise are critical. If he really is the type of person that ALWAYS was getting sick, and usually more sick than his peers…. sure, make an appointment with an Immunologist. Can’t hurt, insurance covers it unless he is in a really strict HMO. The tests they order are actually fairly simple. My father had a rare Immunodeficiency that wasn’t found for decades until a family friend who was a doctor suggested looking into it. His primary care doctor never considered it.
anon_needs_a_break
“There are no real proven things that improve immunity” – only because they haven’t had real research done.
OP, he should of course talk to his doctor but we all know western medicine is not sufficient.
Things to consider for general immunity support:
– gut health (probiotics, a rich and varied plant-forward diet)
– vitamins d, c, B 100 (B3 is especially important for post-covid health to prevent long covid)
– activity – moving your lymph around – sweating. all important.
– I have been grating fresh ginger into hot lemon water daily since pre-thanksgiving and have avoided – knock on wood – all of the illnesses coming through every household I know of including my own. Coincidence? Maybe. But ginger has long been known to have healing and immune properties. And it’s delicious.
– I also take oil of oregano a few times a week
– I still mask everywhere. I barely, rarely eat indoors. I have had COVID once and it was not good. I do not want it again.
– get outside and get sunshine on your eyes and skin – no sunblock – for at least 20 minutes a day.
– reduce sugar, gluten, dairy
Anon
It’s great that all of these things work for you; I do some of these things as well and feel they help me. HOWEVER, if someone has not gone through all the testing for autoimmune disorders, allergen testing, etc. they should not start down the path of taking oil of oregano (which is a placebo, at best, according to research) and think that will solve all their problems. You’re suggesting some things that for most people probably won’t hurt and could possibly help, or maybe be neutral, but asserting that “we all know western medicine is not sufficient” is untrue (I certainly don’t know this – I am grateful every day for Western medicine, which has saved my life and also the life of my son, husband and parents) and also irresponsible. Check yourself.
“get outside and get sunshine on your eyes and skin – no sunblock – for at least 20 minutes a day.”
My husband just had Mohs surgery for a malignant squamous cell carcinoma and they took a pretty good chunk out of his face to make sure they got all the cancer out. So needless to say, I strongly recommend people do not do sunscreen-free sunbathing; it can absolutely cause other, quite serious problems. My husband was very haphazard about wearing sunblock up to this point, and the derm said the carcinoma they took off would have invaded his blood vessels and metastatized had he left it growing too much longer. Which may have meant, adios muchacho.
anon
ok…. So you admit the research hasn’t been done to “prove” most of what you just listed ….. yet you encourage that they be considered and taken. You can do you, but I hope you realize what you are doing.
I agree with the recs of eating healthy, good sleep, exercise and masking, but many of the things you recommend could cause problems, be expensive, have risks, and could make life unpleasant for no benefit.
anon_needs_a_break
that’s why i said he should talk to his doctor!
unclear what parts of this could be unpleasant though? they’re all pretty basic health recommendations except perhaps the oil of oregano!
Anon
Eating low dairy and gluten is definitely unpleasant for many and without careful monitoring can lead to nutritional deficiencies. I suspect you know that, but forget that most people do not eat carefully/well or can afford to have a nutritionist following them closely. Most people. So telling them to make a drastic dietary change that can be satisfied by eating really poor nutrition is a recipe for trouble. The amount of B12 deficiency alone due to poor diet/supplementation is concerning, and causes a lot of medical problems. Nevermind taking a non-specific, unregulated vitamin mix like B100, which can be a vitamin overdose, depending on your specific health situation and what else you are taking.
You know you can GIVE yourself a neuropathy from taking too much of some B vitamins! You can GIVE yourself a spinal cord injury/dysfunction from taking too much Zinc, thinking you are “boosting your immune system” when in fact you are taking too much, causing your body to become copper deficient and then develop a myelopathy. In addition, too much Zinc impedes healing, in particular, wound healing. This happens!
And suggesting people need to “move their lymph around”… well, what the heck… I don’t think you understand what that means. Sure, exercise can be excellent. But throwing in essential oils or ginger or whatever with important well established recommendations like see your doctor, eat well, exercise …. just dilutes the utility of what you are recommending. And almost NO ONE sees their doctor regularly, eats well, gets enough sleep, and exercises, so shouldn’t we stick with the tried and true?
Anon
Are you replying to an actual doctor with the stuff you got on Facebook?
‘MURICA
Anon.
In the medical field, and I agree with all of this.
Plus, he should wear a properly fitting and high-quality mask when indoors or when in close proximity to others.
N95/KN95, properly fitted. None of that blue saggy surgical mask nonsense, or cloth masks.
SF doc
I totally agree. Thanks for bringing up the masks.
The cloth masks, poorly fitting are not very helpful. I just got back from vacation/airline trips, and I always wear a N95 when I am in close proximity with others/strangers for longer periods of time (ex. airplanes, shopping, indoor concerts etc..). Doctors/medical providers use them all day in the hospital taking care of COVID patients and don’t get COVID…. so that’s the way to go. I’ve never had COVID.
I sat next to a young college kid during the first leg of my flight (6 hr direct flight). I was wearing an N95. He was sneezing and coughing the entire flight. He didn’t have any tissues/didn’t mask/no hand sanitizer. Nice. Thanks. Be free. I was flying to visit elderly relatives. So I tested every day after I arrived, and avoided my elderly relatives for 3 days, and never got sick and all tests neg. Whew. Thanks N95. Sure, maybe the airplane sick kid “just” had a cold or the flu, but I don’t want to give that to my 88 year old relative either, as that could also kill him. A cold/flu is also the doorway to pnuemonia of the elderly so I have always been careful with my medically fragile relatives, long before COVID.
Anon
Thanks for these tips! He is the type of person who is always getting sick. He gets the flu like every year despite getting a flu shot, and no one else in our family really gets sick like he does. Definitely will suggest an Immunologist!
Anon
Great. But maybe also encourage him to take a look at how he is living. If he isn’t sleeping well, eating well, exercising etc… oh! And of course – decreasing stress is a big one – then there are other things he should do too.
The effects of stress on increasing cortisol/endogenous steroids and the numerous effects this has on your health and immune system are well known. Since unfortunately most of us can’t remove stressors from our lives, we should at least try decreasing our response to it. This is accessible for us all. Incorporating simple 5 minute mindfulness, or cyclical breathing or yoga or ? to improve focus/attention/decrease stress and anxiety is the thing that should be prescribed to us all.
LoseIt!
N95 masks everywhere (even outside). A family member contracted COVID September 2022, and the contact tracers traced it to an outdoor conversation, less than 5 minutes, about a meter apart, both parties unmasked — other person was infected/infectious but did not know it yet, he developed symptoms and tested positive two days before my family member).
Anonymous
Where is contact tracing still happening?
Anon
Not that poster, but California (certain parts at least) is still doing a lot of contact tracing.
Anon
Ugh, hope your cousin is OK. I had COVID for the first time in July 2022 and, despite being vaccinated with Pfizer, have been more or less incapacitated with long COVID since then — unable to work, massive fatigue, neurological pain, the works — although the fatigue is getting somewhat better.
Not entirely sure if it’s helping me, but since I got sick I’ve been taking Vitamin C 3000mg, Vitamin B complex, Vitamin D, Zinc, Selenium, Magnesium Glycinate, Probiotics 200billion CFU, and Krill Oil at a functional medicine doctor’s recommendation for general immunity. They did some blood tests and also took a bit of hair for trace mineral analysis at the university hospital they are part of.
Might be worth checking with a immunologist re autoimmune conditions, thyroids, vitamin deficiency, etc. My vitamin D was relatively low for several years as were my iron levels.
Anon
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Long COVID is no joke, and I worry about the limited efficacy of vaccines at protecting people from it.
Sometimes functional docs neglect testing for anti-parietal cell antibodies and anti-intrinsic factor antibodies (I only mention this because low D and low iron is sometimes an “early warning sign” that autoimmune nutrient malabsorption is happening, and most people need to switch from B12 supplements to B12 shots if it is — in general, people shouldn’t have deficiencies if diet is adequate, and it frustrates me when functional medicine docs don’t identify the reason why!). Skin punch biopsy can help confirm small fiber neuropathy and potentially open up future treatment options if you decide you want to invest more time in the academic medicine route.
Anon
Thank you for this! I’ve recently been doing my own “research” (sign) and looking into pernicious anemia as the symptoms do overlap quite a bit. I’ve asked to have IF antibodies, MMA, and homocysteine tested — serum B12, D, folate, and ferritin is high enough at this point. Although parietal cell antibodies and GPC antibodies were negative so hematologist seemed to think it would be overkill… My diet is very rich with meat and seafood and vegetables (greens and otherwise) so certainly not a diet issue!
Anon
Sometimes B12 shots just help even if there’s no evidence that they should (in conditions like ME/CFS and SFN). No idea with long COVID. I hope we see a lot of research into what might help; I know many studies are still ongoing! LDN is one that functional docs sometimes try that my academic medicine docs also approve of. I hate the feeling that we’re still in the “throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks” stage when so many people are affected, but I know good science takes time.
theguvnah
There’s a Slate podcast/piece today I think about covid wrecking our immune systems – might have some helpful stuff in there.
I think sadly catching it once will increase your chances if catching it again and so on and so forth. Crappy cycle.
Anon
I’m considering Botox (or dysport) for forehead lines and I have a few questions for the wise hive. (1) Do small doses of Botox wear off faster than standard doses? (2) If I only use for a year or two, will I eventually end up with the skin I would have had anyways once I stop? (3) Does anyone here regret doing Botox?
Anon
With the caveat I haven’t stopped completely, when it’s been a while between visits my skin is still way less wrinkled than it would have been. I started in my 30s and am late 40s now and look much younger than my natural age because of both Botox and genetics (my family ages slowly). No regrets and I also see no utility in doing a “small” amount whatever that is. I just do what they recommend with the caveat of keep it pretty natural overall, which they do. I go to a plastic surgeons office if that helps.
Anon
+ 1 I started in my 40s when just one of my 11s started to get deep and didn’t go away when I wasn’t scowling. I did it for a little over 10 years and then stopped because … I don’t have a good reason. It was expensive, I didn’t like what my current provider was doing (raising the eyebrows, I looked continually surprised) and I decided to just age.
But my one crease has never come back as deep as it was before. I can feel it but it doesn’t show up as much when my face is relaxed. I don’t know if Botox taught me not to squint/frown/scowl or what, but it has had a lasting impact. I’m 58 now and I’ve been off the juice for at least 5 years.
Anon
I hasten to add, since you asked, I had the minimum dose every time. One time it didn’t work at all for whatever reason so I went back and had it done again, gratis. So technically that may have been double the minimum dose, but that was the only time.
Anon
I’ve done botox/jeuveau for the last ~2 years.
1) I think the doses will last the same amount of time, but there will be less of a visible difference. Working with a good practitioner, they will make sure it’s an amount your happy with. For botox, I always found my first month was a little frozen for my taste, second was more natural/desired level of movement, third is when I started feeling like there motion was back enough that I was likely causing wrinkles. With Jeuveau, roughly same cycle but it lasts for 4 mos and may be slightly less frozen in the first phase.
2) It wears off and you’re back to where you would be if you hadn’t done it – not sure if it buys you a few months, but basically it’s just your face again after a few months.
3) Not really – I feel like it’s allowed some baby wrinkles to kind of smooth out and I feel like there’s no downside for me. I go ~3 times a year, it’s relatively cost (I think I pay ~$280/session), easy to schedule, and I feel like I get a benefit. I’m not sure I’ll continue it forever.
Anon
I am almost 43 and have been getting Botox/filler (alternate a bit now) in my 11s since my mid-30s. I stopped during for a year and a half during the pandemic but otherwise have been consistent.
(1) Do small doses of Botox wear off faster than standard doses? Not quite sure what you mean by small doses (number of units in one spot or number of units overall?). I get a “low” number of units (25 maybe overall?) but the units are divided amongst my 11s (the majority) and a small bit on the top of the middle of my eyebrow. I haven’t had to increase the dose to get the look I want and IME the more consistent I am, the longer the injection lasts.
(2) If I only use for a year or two, will I eventually end up with the skin I would have had anyways once I stop? Eventually, probably yes. My 11s revert back to their crinkled state pretty quickly once my dose wears off and if I don’t get re-injected the always crinkled look stays put.
(3) Does anyone here regret doing Botox? Nope! I love it. Just the little bit I get makes such a huge difference in how I feel about how my face looks and most people swear they don’t notice it (in a negative way) and if they are lying I don’t care. I’ve never been pressured to inject more areas or increase the units and I never plan to do other areas of my face. I am still expressive and my forehead moves so I don’t have that frozen face look that looks wildly unnatural to me.
Anon8
I have gotten forehead botox for my 11s and wrinkles in my forehead, though not consistently (both for budget and laziness reasons). I think by “small doses” you just want to ask for a natural look. When it wears off, your forehead looks exactly how it did without Botox. According to my doc it’s very individual specific how long it lasts. I made a point of going to a plastic surgeon rather than a med spa, and I was thrilled with the results. My extremely observant mom didn’t even notice, but it was a substantial enough difference that they used my photo as a before and after on the website.
My doctor also said something along the lines of “no one regrets it,” and that was definitely true for me. I feel like my whole face looked smoother.
No Regrets
Started doing Botox at 41 (15 years ago), First just eye crinkles, now also forehead. At first, 4 times/year. Now 2 times/year because it seems to last longer now.
anon
I’m 35 and have been doing botox for a deep crease between my eyebrows since 29. I do not regret it and honestly the only change I’d make is to start early before the crease got so deep. I am otherwise very minimalist and natural in my approach to beauty things, and I just told the dr that I want it to look natural I just don’t want that deep crease there! It’s a common request and I’ve never felt that the results were any less than natural. I would take their steer as to what it would take to be effective. I have had it done by a PA-C before as well as an MD and was happy with both.
JoJo
Has anyone else had this problem? Some days, about an hour after I put in my (soft, daily) contacts, one or both of them gets really cloudy. Drops don’t help, I have to take out the contact, rinse really well, and put it back in – sometimes more than once. I put contacts in before makeup, I don’t tightline, but I do use a setting spray. I wait a few seconds before opening my eyes after using the spray, but this keeps happening. The only idea I’ve come up with (but haven’t tried yet) is a setting powder instead of spray. I doesn’t happen when I don’t wear makeup, but since most days I do, I would like to resolve this. Any ideas?
Anon
Put in your contacts (very carefully) after you have applied makeup and finished doing your hair. If you can do so somewhere other than where just sprayed things in the air, that will help, also.
Anon
Are you clearing your eyes, so to speak, with eye drops first? I’m thinking you may be putting them on over sleep film. I don’t think makeup should do that.
Anon
But why would that be a problem only on days OP wears makeup?
Vicky Austin
Maybe she’s washing her face to put on makeup and not on non-makeup days, which clears the sleep from them.
Anon
She never said that.
Vicky Austin
“I doesn’t happen when I don’t wear makeup, but since most days I do, I would like to resolve this.”
anon
If you’re wearing eyeshadow that’s probably the culprit. Make sure you’re not putting excess product on the brush. If you’re not already using eyeshadow primer it helps the makeup stick to your eyelid. My next guess is too much blush or loose powder on a fluffy brush.
JoJo
Thanks all. I wash my face every day, makeup or not. I currently don’t use any powders or brushes – my eye shadow and blush are both cream.
Anon
My guess is that your cream eye shadow is “drifting” into your eyes.
Anon
+1 OP, I’d change your makeup
Anon
I think it’s your eye cream or whatever you wear under the makeup. Use a tiny amount and just tap it in with your ring finger, and don’t get too close to either corner of your eye.
Anon
Hi!! I know the answer!! It’s calcium! Your tears naturally have more calcium in them, and certain lenses are prone to calcium build-up. Once a lens gets calcium on it, as you’ve discovered, cleaning it won’t do anything and your only option is to throw it out and grab another.
I, too, was confounded by this years ago. Tell your doctor, he’ll confirm it’s calcium, and he’ll recommend a lens that is more resistant to calcium build-up. For me, Alcon Dailies AquaComfort Plus is calcium-proof.
River bird
This is fascinating. And I love this enthusiasm.
MWDC
I was just coming to say this. I had this problem years ago. Turns out my contact provider switched their formula and my old contacts didn’t work for me anymore. I had to switch brands and the problem went away immediately. Good luck!
Anonymous
The same thing happened to me last year. I want to my eye doctor and she explained that some contact lens manufacturers changed the make-up of their lenses. I changed brands and haven’t had an issue since.
JoJo
What. This is amazing! My eye doctor just shrugged and assumed it was my setting spray. Would this still be the case even if it doesn’t happen days I don’t wear makeup? Too bad I just a bought a whole year’s supply :(
Since I’ve been using the same brand for years, I wonder if the calcium thing could be a new formulation, like the poster below said, or increased calcium due to pregnancy/breastfeeding for 97% of the last three years…
Anon
I’m the first calcium poster. I wonder if it really is as associated with makeup as you think it is? Maybe it’s happening on other days to a small degree, but on makeup days, a) your eyes are producing more tears since you’re messing with them, so more calcium around or b) any makeup particles stick to the existing, invisible-but-there calcium clumps?
Amazingly, I go to the MyEyeDoctor chain, and they’ll exchange unopened boxes of lenses for you. It’s wild to me, and I’ve taken advantage of it a time or two. Maybe ask your eye doc if they have a similar program?
JoJo
Thank you so much!
Anonymous
What brand of contacts are you using? This happened to me every single time with anything in the Acuvue family. For me it was makeup – either my concealer or eyeshadow. I could tell bc the cloudiness looked beige. I have had much better luck with Alcon Dailies Total One for years now.
Anonymous
Has anyone done the streaming Physique 57 workouts? Worth it? Anything better?
NYCer
I like the streaming Physique 57 classes, but I have always been a fan of their workouts (used to do in person a couple times a week). I also like The Sculpt Society by Megan Roup.
Who's Who
I just got mail from Marquis Who’s Who asking to include me in their next edition. Is this basically the same BS directory from high school / not worth anything, including time? Had no idea this stuff excited in adult life.
Anon
It’s complete BS.
Anonymous
Seems to be a workout day! Anyone have luck getting a discounted national membership at YogaSix? I travel a lot and $140/ month is just out of my budget.
Anonymous
Relationship background:
– Pro: kind to me, honest, respectful of my job and long hours, has his own job and money, likes my family, I like his family, neither of us want kids, we’re both active and healthy, my friends really like him
– Con: he is significantly older (I’m 35, he’s 52), I’m worried about caregiving when we are 60 and 80, and all my close people who are in relationships married within 5 years of their age … so I have no age gap role models.
He’s a widower, I’ve never been married. He would like to get married. I love him and believe he loves me. And yet I can’t get the future what ifs out of my head.
Anon
How long have you been together? How healthy and active is he? There are 52 year olds who crush men half their age and there are 52 year olds who may as well be 65.
The thing about marrying someone much older: you have to want fewer years with them more than you want more years with anyone else.
Liza
Except there’s no guarantee “anyone else” will come along, no offense to OP. Plenty of women are unhappily single.
Anon
Or who she loves as much.
Anon
I would vastly prefer to be single than caregiving for an old man in my 60s and 70s while my friends take fun vacations, do volunteer work and cuddle their grandbabies.
Anon
I would vastly prefer to be single than to be 50 years old, slaving away at a corporate job for health insurance and my own retirement, while my retired husband plays with the dogs and reads all day.
Even if he is healthy, remember that there can be enough money for him to retire at 65 but not enough for them both to retire at 65 and 47. Money that lasts him 20 years may not be nearly enough to last for him for 20 and her for an additional 20 years.
Anon
“Even if he is healthy, remember that there can be enough money for him to retire at 65 but not enough for them both to retire at 65 and 47.”
Also – she may not want to retire at 47. I am about to be 46 and feel like I am just hitting my best years of my career (which is not atypical for my profession – most people don’t really start to be seen as experts/significant contributors to the field until they’re about 50). If I were married to someone 17 years older, he’d be 63 and likely looking to retire soon, if he hadn’t already. And, well – he’d have to figure out what to do with himself while I work for another 5-10 years because I’ve worked a long time, and worked hard, to get where I am, and I am not ready to give up my career yet. Even if the money was available to do so. I also don’t want someone complaining to me about my working long hours or having to travel for work, because in my case – I have a kid and I held back from doing a lot of that when my kid was young. Now that he’s almost grown, I want the time and the space to do what I want to do and not always put someone else’s needs first. But this is, of course, all just me talking; OP may feel very differently. I do think there are significant concerns with marrying someone a lot older that are worth thinking and talking through, in depth and in detail, before she decides to get married.
Anon
Agree, Anon at 12:32. My mom is 71 and her career ramped up at age 50 when her kids left home and has peaked in the last decade. She would not have wanted to retire young.
Anon
Taking your “logic” to its ultimate conclusion, women need to marry the first guy who makes them happier than they were when single. No guarantee any other dude will come along!!
Anon
Yeah, that’s a dark way of looking at things. But I’ve always been someone who would rather be single than with the wrong person.
Anonymous
Nope. If this relationship was right you wouldn’t be posting this. Kind, employed, likes your family are minimum standards for being acceptable not a reason to marry an old man.
Anon
+1. Crowdsourcing opinions of whether to marry someone is a sign that OP absolutely should not marry this man.
Marshmallow
Your only con is the age difference? He sounds great. I mean– do you love him? You don’t mention either way. Maybe that in itself is the answer. But if you love him and literally the only thing holding you back is the age difference, go for it.
One of my closest friends is in her late thirties and her husband just turned 60. They DID want kids, and they have them now, and they are incredibly happy together. They’re financially secure and her husband is very responsible so I assume they have resources in place for caregiving when it happens. On paper the relationship seemed a little iffy but once we met him the entire friend group adores him and we can see that he treats her well. He’s actually one of my favorite friend spouses now.
Anon
I agree with your first paragraph. Don’t let the age thing stand in the way of your happiness.
Marshmallow
Oh I just reread and see you mentioned you love each other in the last paragraph. Well I think that’s your answer!
Anonymous
This. It can work with the right guy. One lawyer I knew retired at 57 to be a sahd so his mid thirties wife could lean into her surgery career.
Anon
I’m one of those people who believe you should know beyond a shadow of a doubt.
But if that’s just not how you’re wired, I’d make sure he has buckets of money and a long-term care insurance policy.
Anon
If age is your only concern, do it. My in-laws have that exact gap and my MIL’s youth has kept my FIL young and he’s in better shape than we are at 90. It’s not necessarily a health aide situation. And many other things can happen in life, even when you’re the same age. There’s no mitigation for everything.
Anon
Unpopular opinion here, but I would never marry or commit long term to someone 15+ years older. The difference between quality of life at 65 and 80 is massive. And I know someone will say “but my 80 year old aunt is so spry and my 65 year old dad is morbidly obese and doesn’t leave the couch.” Yes, there are exceptions. But statistically, 65 years olds are far more active and healthy than 80 year olds, and women are generally healthier and live longer than men and when you combine the age and sex factors, the odds the man can keep up are low. I can’t imagine giving up the best retirement years to be a caregiver to a spouse in addition to my parental caregiving obligations which likely will have just ended or be ongoing.
Anonymous
+1. I would not have said this when I was in my 20s, or maybe even 30s, but now that I am 46 and my husband is 54 and we’re dealing with aging parents, I am very glad the difference isn’t larger. He also randomly had a stroke the week after he turned 50, although we discovered later that was related to a previously undiagnosed and rare autoimmune condition.
Anon
And I’m the opposite. I had this opinion when I was younger but the older I get, I been witness to many more exceptions to the “rules,” tragedy striking any age and the rareness of a deep, loving and meaningful connection. I’d rather trade the “what if something bad happens” for even a few months of something wonderful.
anon
Yeah, my husband and I have the same age difference and I would not pursue the relationship in the OP’s shoes. The difference might not feel that big at 40 and 57, but man 55 and 72 are light-years apart from a health perspective…
anon
(the same age difference as you, Anon @10:42)
Anon
And I had this opinion when I was younger, but the older I get, I been witness to many more exceptions to the rules, tragedy striking any age and the rareness of a deep, loving and meaningful connection. I’d rather trade the what ifs for even a few months of something wonderful.
Anon
+1
Anne-on
+1 to the parental caregiving obligations. Plus if you’re married you’re likely to take on caregiving HIS parents as they age (ask me how I know that wives/daughters/daughters in law take on WAY more of this burden).
Anon
Ummm, how exactly do you avoid that at any age? My husband is my age, we both had living parents at the time we got together, and we’re dealing with all their aging issues now. Unless everyone is orphaned at the time of the wedding, this is going to be something to deal with.
Anon
The point is not that you avoid dealing with it if you’re the same age, but that if you marry a man who’s 17 years older you’ll have parental caregiving obligations decades earlier than you otherwise would, plus then you have your own parents later on, so it stretches out the parental caregiver phase of life. If you’re 35 and marry a man who’s 52 you could easily have significant parental caregiving obligations from age 35 (his) to 65+ (yours)…that’s 30 years!
Anne-on
You don’t avoid it, but if you marry a many closer to your age presumably his parents are also younger/healthier (though obviously not a given). A 52 year old man presumably has parents in much older than the poster’s parents and which are likely to be in worse health. That age gap puts him closer to HER parents age and which means it’s likely that you’ll have to care for him/your own parents at the same time.
Anon
The issue is that he caregiving never stops:
Marry at 35, care for his parents.
They pass, care for your parents.
They pass, care for your husband who is in his 70s.
He passes, you get a handful of years as a widow in good health with no caregiving obligations.
Anon
I could see potential caregiving for his parents, then her parents, then him. That would be miserable.
Does he see her youth as a benefit, esp in terms of potential caregiver?
Anon
Yep, and I would say an even bigger issue is the possibility of the spousal caregiving overlapping with caregiving for your own parents. Having watched my parents go through end of life with my grandparents, I know that parental caregiving is so draining and I can’t imagine doing it while also having a spouse who needs my care. And when I say “caregiving” I don’t mean you’re the one actually wiping their butt. A lot of people seem to have the idea that if you just have the money to outsource care, it’s no big deal. But even if your parent or spouse is living full-time in a high quality assisted living facility (which obviously costs a lot of money), being the primary family member who’s there for them and managing their finances and health decisions is a huge emotional and logistical burden that really should not be underestimated. It was incredibly hard for my parents and they didn’t have a spouse to care for at the same time.
Seventh Sister
As much as I have been warning my spouse (and his sweet-but-indecisive brother) for the better part of two decades that I am NOT quitting my job to look after his mom, I *know* I’ll probably wind up taking charge of at least one aspect of her physical decline / end of life care. My in-laws are going to get what they want in that they will be carried out of their house feet first. But what they don’t realize is that one or both of them are probably going to wind up in a hospital, then a care home, and never return to said home (my money is on my FIL having a fatal stroke or heart attach but she is too mean to die).
Anon
I agree. I know that no one knows the future and a 35 year old could get hit by a truck and need significant caregiving, but a 17 year age gap basically guarantees it’s going to happen. It would be a dealbreaker for me.
Anon
“I can’t imagine giving up the best retirement years to be a caregiver to a spouse in addition to my parental caregiving obligations which likely will have just ended or be ongoing.”
I would worry about this too. I am already going to have to caregive for my parents as they get older; it would probably break me to have to caregive for my parents AND my spouse. Add in – what if OP changes her mind about having kids or accidentally gets pregnant (it absolutely happens – one of my coworkers just had a baby at 44 when a vasectomy didn’t “take.”). She could end up with a kid, a spouse whose health might not allow him to be an active parent, plus parents who need help. And she’s having to keep working because they need health insurance and income to support everyone. Nightmare fuel.
Anon
I had a friend in this situation. They got married, got pregnant, and he died of a sudden heart attack a few months before the baby was born. He had appeared completely healthy. I’m sure she’d never say that she regretted her decision and she obviously loves her child, though it’s clearly very sad that they never got to live as a family. There are no guarantees in life, no matter what you do, just changing odds.
anon
Oh my, that is heartbreaking.
Anon
and this exact thing has happened to lots of people, regardless of how old their spouse is.
Anon
I wouldn’t say “lots,” having your spouse die before your only child is born is pretty extraordinary. Tragedies can certainly happen at any age, but it’s naive to think a 40 year old man is just as likely to die as a 60 year old man. He’s not.
Seventh Sister
Offhand I can think of several guys in their late 40s-50s who died very suddenly, leaving behind a wife and kids. It happened a lot younger than I would have thought.
Anon
My husband and I are 46 and 52 and it is happening all.the.freaking.time to people we know from high school, college, etc. Heart attacks, fatal strokes, big cancer diagnosed late and oh no the person has 2 months to live, etc. It’s scary, actually We did not think it would start happening this soon.
My dad is 71 and all of his close friends from his youth and adulthood are dead. His BFF (my godfather) died of nonsmoker lung cancer at 45; next friend died of a heart attack in his sleep at 61, another one had an aortic aneurysm rupture on the golf course at 63, then the next friend died of metastatic prostate cancer at 67. It’s great that there are people out there who are spry and healthy at 80 but that’s not everyone’s story. And it may not be OP’s partner’s story either.
Seventh Sister
We are about the same age as you two, and it’s like the hits just keep on coming. My sweet college friend died of cancer, two guys with young kids who had heart attacks, several died of suicide, strokes, all people of them in their 40s and 50s. Both of my biological grandfathers died before I was born (heart attack, stomach cancer) and were pretty young, I assumed my GenX friends would last a bit longer.
Anon
In my circles and I think statistically, working age men are more likely to suddenly die, and working age women are more likely to be diagnosed with some life altering but not life threatening chronic illness.
Anon
*citation needed*
Anon
“Previous studies focusing on older age groups report that men die at younger ages and have a higher prevalence of CAD [1, 8, 10, 27]. As expected, we found an overall increase in SCD rates in both genders with increasing age [7, 8], yet incidence rates of SCDm was twice as high compared to SCDw in all age groups. Our findings imply that SCD manifests more commonly in men, also at younger ages.”
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5219679/
Autoimmune disease alone results in many more women living with chronic illness (last I checked, around 80% of people living with autoimmune disease were women, and women first show up with autoimmune disease at younger age than men).
Anon
Definitely more women than men have autoimmune disease, but I don’t think that’s a statistic to build your life around and it certainly isn’t always “life-altering.” I have one and it doesn’t affect my life at all except I take daily medicine and have gained a bit of weight since starting the medicine.
Anon
Well sure something like e.g., Hashimoto’s should not be life altering if diagnosed and appropriately treated. But multiple sclerosis, lupus, Sjogren’s, rheumatoid arthritis, etc. can be harder to get a handle on depending on how they respond to treatment, or the meds themselves may have complications. I’m not saying that women are just totally bedridden, but I would consider a new diagnosis of any of these conditions life altering, especially if they come along with profound fatigue or brain fog, which medicine isn’t great at treating. (It also really sucks these days to be on strong immune suppressants, since now we have a disease as contagious as measles going around constantly!)
But in general I didn’t think it was a controversial statement that men suffer more from fatal disease, women suffer more from disabling disease. It may be a truism that requires more research (and I think women are “catching up” some on fatal diseases unfortunately).
Anonymous
My dad just married a woman that was widowed at 50. He dropped dead at 55, at work. He was a CFO and generally otherwise healthy. Their kids were in middle and high school.
Anonymous
I would also talk with him about retirement. Is he going to want to retire in 15 years, when you are 50? Will you retire too? If you don’t, will he travel on his own etc?
Anon
So I broke up with an ex boyfriend with a similar age gap, although I was 30 when we broke up, so a bit younger stage of life than you are experiencing. He was similarly lovely, but in the end it was more than just the fact of the age on paper. I had a terrible feeling that our relationship would never be as good in the future as it was right now/right then, and I couldn’t shake that feeling. In hindsight I think it was partially true – and a reflection of unexpressed visions for what the future could/should/would want to look like from both of us. For example, I wanted to keep moving/develop myself in unpredictable ways, he wanted to eventually settle in a permanent place. Are you having these future-oriented conversations, do your visions align? Second to this the age difference also meant a power imbalance that I myself was uncomfortable with – I felt he had the right to be right more than I did (wisdom, experience) and it made me doubt and ignore myself. So I would be asking myself what the age difference means in your relationship, and how you feel about that. Because age on paper is just a number. What does it represent to you?
Anne-on
This is going to sound like it comes out of left field – but how old/healthy are your parents? I’m a bit older than you and the elder care responsibilities that my friends and colleagues have for their parents in their early 70s/80s (we’re all in our 40s/early 50s) are no joke. It’s like one day a switch flipped and it went from I woul dhear about helping out mom with a random surgery to now someone’s parent is in hospice, another had a major health crisis, this one never recovered after Covid and needs to be moved to a care facility, etc. etc. It’s HARD juggling that with kids/career and I would imagine having to juggle caregiving your spouse AND your parents would be brutal. Obviously there are no guarantees in life and a younger person can get sick/be ill but this strikes me as playing life on hard mode intentionally.
Anonymous
Don’t do it! The age gap concern is real. My mil’s husband is in his 80s and she’s in her late sixties. It’s so so sad to contrast her life with my parents’ who are her age. They’re currently on a six week long vacation in the Caribbean, she’s basically a full time nurse to an angry old dude who can barely walk. It’s aging her really badly too:she’s isolated and has little time for anything else. This is a man who was “so young at heart and heathy for his age” until he suddenly wasn’t. It’s a great deal for the man: he had a fun retirement with a younger woman and once he’s old and gray he has a live in unpaid nurse. She sacrifices the last ten or twenty good years of her life taking care of him while all her friends are enjoying their golden years in active retirement at the beach.
Anon
“It’s a great deal for the man: he had a fun retirement with a younger woman and once he’s old and gray he has a live in unpaid nurse. She sacrifices the last ten or twenty good years of her life taking care of him while all her friends are enjoying their golden years in active retirement at the beach.”
Exactly this.
Anon
Which is why you only do it if he’s wealthy enough so you can retire when he does, and can afford in-home care for when he is older.
Anon
Outsourcing caregiving only does so much; it’s still an enormous burden even if you have unlimited funds.
Anon
Agreed. OP, he needs to be loaded
Anon
money alone will not solve the caregiving requirements
Anon
Let me clarify: wealth is a necessary but not sufficient condition.
Anon
Different ages, but when my mom went on the dating market again in her late 50s after a breakup, it seemed like the 50 something men wanted 30 something women (OP?) because they wanted to feel young, and the men who were interested in my mom were in their 70s, often recently widowed, and in need of a replacement cook, housekeeper, and nursemaid.
She noped on out of that and lived 20+ more years happily single.
Anon
Good for your mom!
Anon
This is a good point.
Anon
Yup. That’s my experience.
Starting in my late 40’s, when I was my elderly father’s caregiver, the doctors assumed I was his young wife (!) and old men my father’s age would hit on my all the time… especially once they realized I was the daughter and not the wife.
Anon
You don’t know that your MIL would have had your parents’ life otherwise, though.
Anonymous
She would have had a better chance at it.
Anon
Right, I don’t understand why this is so hard for people to get. There are no guarantees of good outcomes in life, but you can do things to avoid likely bad outcomes. It’s not rocket science.
Anon
“There’s no guarantee of not dying in a car crash so why do you wear a seatbelt??!?!”
Anonymous
But she most likely wouldn’t have her current life.
Liza
If you are happy today, I think it would be very foolish not to move forward with this relationship based on how things MIGHT be in 25 years. Either one of you could be hit by a bus next week. 50% of couples end up divorced and never make it to their senior years together. If you both have money, and save intentionally, YOU won’t need to be his caregiver in senior years. One, many 80 year olds are perfectly healthy and capable – two, you can pay for caregiving – three, perhaps you’ll have children who can help too.
Anon
This.
Anon
Totally agree. Giving up a wonderful relationship over statistics and fears is the recipe for a miserable, regret filled life.
Anon
Yes I would want a better plan in place to not end up spending all my time caregiving than “being the same age.” That is really not enough.
Anon
It’s not that you’ll never become a caregiver, it’s the age at which you’re likely to become a full-time caregiver. 63 is worlds apart from 80. It might not feel that way when you’re 25, but as someone who is closing in on 50, let me tell you 63 does not seem that old.
Anon
But if I don’t want to become a caregiver at any age, then I need a better plan than playing the odds.
Anon
I mean, there are things you can do to mitigate how much physical caregiving you do. The best one is having a sh1tload of money. But even with all the money in the world, if your spouse needs round-the-clock care you still have a responsibility to be there for them and it’s going to interfere with things like travel and will weigh heavily on you emotionally. It’s not insane to want to postpone the expected age at which you’ll enter that phase of life. I get the feeling a lot of people here have never been the primary family member responsible for the needs of an elderly or disabled parent or spouse.
Anon
Yes, many of the folks on this board in their 20’s and 30’s haven’t been through the caregiving ringer yet. All the posts complaining about visiting in-laws/parents or weekly mandatory boring phone calls make me laugh. If only that was our life….
Anon
“But even with all the money in the world, if your spouse needs round-the-clock care you still have a responsibility to be there for them and it’s going to interfere with things like travel and will weigh heavily on you emotionally.”
Right! It’s like when I had my kid – we had an excellent daycare and could afford good babysitters/nannies if we needed it. But all the money in the world would not taken away my desire to be there for my child; to be present for his life events and for the moments that mattered in his life. I cannot imagine that there are too many people out there who would marry someone older than them, someone who had money, and when that person got old and infirm be like “glad we have enough money for day and night nurses because I’m going to Tulum for a month! See you later, honey!” And that’s it. Most people who get married to someone get married because they love and care for that person. No amount of money is going to make up for the lack of companionship and worry that would come with living a life that can’t involve your infirm spouse.
Anonymous
Yup, this. My husband is only a few years older but has several chronic health issues that are likely to become very problematic as we age. He also has a history of dementia in the family. I come from a family where everyone was healthy into their late 80s. It’s very likely that we’ll be in different places health wise after age 60 or so, but I can’t imagine not being married to him. I know it’ll be hard to care for him if that’s what’s needed – I see how hard it is for my MIL – but I will happily do it because it means I get to spend my life with him.
Anonymous
A huge factor for me would be how active and healthy he currently is. My DH’s uncles were still hiking and taking ski vacations into their late 70s. My own dad is 69 and rarely does more than a walk around the block. DH’s dad passed young and DH doesn’t smoke, rarely drinks, maintains a healthy weight and runs or bikes everyday all year round because he wants to be fit and active as long as possible. He’s 48 now and i can’t imagine this will change much at 52. Being active matters a lot for your 60s and 70s, but many people slow down a lot in their 80s. You will be early 60s then which may or may not work for you.
Anon
Normally I’m very skeptical about marrying for money, but this is a situation where it can make a big difference in minimizing some of the problems with the age difference. If he’s financially comfortable, it will be easier to pay for caregiving if he needs it, you can retire earlier if you want to, and there will be more of a safety net for you and potential children if he dies early. I personally would care much less about things like being able to have a super active retirement because I developed a chronic illness in my 20s and already can’t travel a lot and have learned to make the best of things with what I can do. I understand how easily things can change for anyone at anytime and have seen that happen in so many other relationships too. If you love him, you feel compatible and willing to work through challenges together, and the two of you have decent financial resources, I think it can be worth it.
anon
This is very hard.
I just finished caring for my parents, until their deaths. I am single.
This experience alone made me decide I will NEVER marry someone significantly older than me, for aging/caregiving reasons.
And I just got back from visiting family that I haven’t seen in a decade because I couldn’t travel where caregiving. And I met my cousin’s new-ish wife. She is my age. 15 years younger than my Cousin, who is now retired at the age of 60 and looks like an old man. He is bored. My Cousin’s new-ish wife is in the prime of her life, career wise, and is brilliant, lovely, successful and….. frustrated. It is very very difficult to be at different stages of life, when one person is retired and the other is not.
Have you guys discussed the financial plan? When he will retire, and then what will happen? What would your financial security be if he wants you to retire early so that he wont be alone and you can travel before he gets sick and die? Let’s be frank here…. Maybe you guys are wealthy and you will be happy to retire early and you will have a rock-solid pre-nup because if you breakup…. you will have difficulty getting back on track on your own… finding a new partner when you are older, and getting back to work when you are older.
It is easy to look beyond the age difference when you are young, but the gap becomes huge when you age. And I also know a lot of people that die in the 60’s.
anon
And of course, the cost of caregiving with aging can be astronomical. So I agree with the prior poster, that if he is financially very secure, has great life insurance/disability insurance/insurance for long term care/ whatever that it can put you in a very different position.
And you just need to think about…. do you want to be alone at the end of life, with it being very unlikely someone will be there to take care of you? I accepted years ago that this will likely be me and I will probably be in a nursing home at the end of life. It sucks, but it is what it is. And I still wont get involved in a much older man!
Of course life is no guarantee, and your 85 year old husband could be a super hero and you could get breast cancer at 70 and he will be by your side forever taking care of you…. but honestly….. this is not the norm. I work in medicine and the rate that husbands abandon their wives with serious diagnoses is staggering already, nevermind if you put your husband in a different older age group where he couldn’t be there even if he wanted to.
Anon
Idk if you have healthy active aging parents without any medical problems, but there is still a dramatic difference between age 65 and age 70.
ProfP
I’m in my 60s, husband 80. He is (and has always been) in better shape than me – and I’m not a slouch. Individuals vary so much. And in response to the caregiving concerns, his parents were already gone when we married, and he has been a star in supporting my parents during their decline. He has good long-term care insurance and is under no delusions that I will be his nurse. He retired 17 years ago; I’m still working. Yes, he wishes I had more flexibility for travel, but he respects that my work means something to me. So my advice to OP: marry the guy if you want to marry him, don’t if you don’t. But don’t make the age difference the deciding factor.
Senior Attorney
The last sentence here is really everything. I wrote a novel below but it boils down to this.
Anonymous
The answer is no and you know it. If your question was “I love and want to marry my BF, my only hesitation is the later in life impact of the age gap” I would feel very differently. But re-read what you wrote. It basically answers your question.
Senior Attorney
I actually did marry somebody 17 years older when I was 26 and he was 43 (so we were almost 10 years younger than you two are now). We had our baby when I was 28 and he was 45, divorced 6 years later. The age gap wasn’t really an issue — it was more than he had serious depression/anxiety issues that he couldn’t/wouldn’t adequately address.
We are still in touch, all these years later, and I am now what I consider a young 64 and he’s a not-all-that-young 81 and his sister is stuck with a lot of caretaking (they live next door to each other). I honestly believe that if we’d stayed married he’d be in better shape for all the reasons married men live longer — wives just take care of their husbands in a bunch of ways ranging from keeping them active and engaged to nagging them to go to the doctor.
My current husband is 11 years older, so he’s 75. Just starting to slow down a bit but still can run rings around me in some significant ways. He retired THIS WEEK, I’m retiring in the fall, and we are counting on a minimum of 5 years of full-on Active Senior Lifestyle, and hopefully more than that.
And… anything can happen. I divorced my much-older husband before age became an issue. My current husband’s first wife was the same age as him, but she died in her 50s after a 10-year illness and he was her caretaker all that time. I’m hoping I won’t have to caretake him for a long period but I adore him and if I end up having to, it will be my honor.
Bottom line: there are no guarantees but you do have to ask yourself what is your worst case: having to take care of a much older husband for an extended period, or being alone for an extended period? And also having a lot of money helps in any of those scenarios.
Anon
On caregiving, I’m disturbed that people look at it as this terrible thing. I’m in the thick of it with aging parents, both mine and my husband, and yes it’s absolutely difficult. But we also love them and it’s a privilege to have people who we’ve love to care for as they age. My husband has had many health issues and I’ve cared for him too. That’s a totally different kettle of fish. It’s much easier to be aligned with decisions and finances with a spouse. And you can have to caregive at any age. That’s just the deal. For better or worse and all that. And when you love the person, that really offsets the burden aspect.
Senior Attorney
I tend to agree with this. One of the things that finally drove me out the door in my previous marriage was that I realized there was no way he was going to take care of me if I got sick or old, and also I just plain didn’t love him enough anymore to want to take care of him. With my current husband, as I said above, it’s completely different.
anon
I think the warnings about it stem from the fact that caregiving, while a very lovely and noble thing to do, fundamentally changes the nature of the relationship. I’m watching a friend in her late 60s go through this with her older partner. She misses their partnership terribly; the nature of their relationship is just different now. Can you completely avoid this? No, probably not, not if you’re lucky enough to live a long life. But that doesn’t mean that you want to start the caregiving any earlier than you have to.
But then again, life is too short to not be with your person.
Anonymous
I’m not anti-caregiving. It’s fine and noble but if that’s not what you want your 60s and 70s to look like it’s probably worth reconsidering the relationship. Now that I’m 40, 60 seems so young. I’d hate to be stuck home at that age.
Anon
Exactly how I feel. I’m mid-40s and 60 feels so young to me. Never would have said that a decade ago, but now that I’m here it feels way too young to give up my own life.
And even if you have the money to pay for in-home care or the gold standard of nursing facilities, you’re still going to have your plans disrupted when your spouse falls and needs you urgently or goes to the hospital, you’re going to have to invest an enormous amount of time sorting out finances and healthcare directives, you’re going to be dealing with the emotional fallout of them being terminally ill or having dementia and not recognizing you, etc. My parents just finished a decade of caring for their own parents and it was really hard on them. To do that for a decade or more for your husband’s parents, then a decade or more for your own parents, then a decade or more for your spouse sounds absolutely miserable to me. Even the most giving people need breaks from having their whole life revolve around someone else’s needs.
DressUp
Dress shopping help please! I haven’t been to a wedding or bought a dress in at least 6 years, I don’t even know where to start or what brands to look at. It’s for a relative’s wedding in the Midwest in early summer, I’m thinking something more on the casual side. Im in my 30s with a thin, athletic type body with a small chest. Preferably <$100.
Anne-on
What stores do you have nearby? This strikes me as something that it would be best to go to a Macys or TJ Maxx and browse in store so you can try on lots of different options vs. playing mail order roulette.
DressUp
JCPenney, TJMaxx, Kohl’s … seems like a good starting point! I agree, I hate ordering online.
Anon8
I’ve been to a zillion weddings the last few years, and my favorite affordable dresses are from Lulus and ASTR The Label. Rent the runway is a good option for that price range as well. There’s always Nordstrom too. If you go up a level in price, Reformation has lots for your body type.
DressUp
Thanks for these suggestions, I’m seeing lots of cute options!
Senior Attorney
Macy’s is also good for this kind of thing.
Senior Attorney
Oops I see somebody already mentioned Macy’s. If you have a brick and mortar Old Navy you might get lucky there, also I’ve sometimes had good luck at Target, of all places.
DressUp
I might be able to get to a bigger city to check out Nordstrom and Macy’s in person, but I will definitely give Old Navy and Target a go!
Ellen
I can’t believe we have to defend lawsuits against men who are ticked off that we won’t sleep with them! Did anyone else in the hive see this about some rich guy in Singapore who sued a woman twice because she only wanted to be freinds with him and he wanted more?
https://nypost.com/2023/02/01/im-suing-a-woman-for-2-2m-because-she-wont-date-me/
I think this goes back to the days when women were seen as cattle and property of a man, and if the man did not get the woman’s services, he could sue, or reject the contract. That is old school and we should NOT accept this kind of stuff in this day and age.
I firmly believe that we should have 100% freedom of choice, and just b/c a guy takes us out to dinner and a show does NOT mean he has carte blonche to come back to our apartments and do whatever he wants with our bodies, all in the spirit of a full night out. Personally that repulses me. I will never be an on-demand semen recepticle for any man, even my husband if I ever get married. That is just WRONG! FOOEY on this kind of stuff. The man here should get Rule 11 Sanctions if the case were brought in the SDNY, and I would also award the woman all costs and expenses on any counterclaim she could raise. PTOOEY!
anon
I am planning a long weekend getaway for president’s day weekend. We’re in DC and thinking about going to Baltimore with our kids (5 and 8) and possibly another family with similarly-aged kids. We recently went to the aquarium, so that’s out, but what are some other family-friendly attractions? I don’t know much about the area, but was really intrigued when we visited the aquarium, it was just a day trip so we didn’t have time to see much else. The water fronts are so pretty! I’ll take any and all recs, including where to stay! Thank you!
Anon
Also a DMV resident. There is nothing else in Baltimore. The aquarium and the safe waterfront in that immediate area is it.
I’m on the board of a national association, and for reasons that eluded all of us, the board president chose Baltimore for our annual meeting last year. Practically every one of our 700+ attendees had something negative to say about the location. Our hotel was fine – I think a Marriott with extensive private security – but no one felt safe downtown, particularly women. Even a super athletic guy in his 40s told me he felt unsafe walking a couple blocks to the Edgar Allan Poe house in daylight.
Like, don’t. Baltimore is no bueno. For real.
anon
This is so ignorant and unkind. Yes, Baltimore struggles with crime, but there’s a ton to do and many people working every day to make the city better. Perhaps leave this question to those of us who actually live here.
Anon
Yikes. What an unhelpful and untrue response.
I’ve never lived in Baltimore, but it is one of my 3 favorite cities. I think it’s fantastic!
Anonymous
Maryland Zoo!! Maryland Science Center! American Art Visionary Museum!
And if you’re going to be walking around in Fells Point, definitely make a pit stop at Pitango for gelato and or coffee.
Anonymous
Me again – despite what others have said about Baltimore’s safety, other than the Zoo, the other attractions are in the safe and touristy parts of town. Driving to the zoo does pass through some sketchy areas, but once you’re on Zoo grounds it’s safe and full of families with young kids. Besides, the Maryland Zoo has 2 things the National Zoo doesn’t have, which are giraffes and penguins.
Anon
Yes! AVAM is so fun & quirky!
It may be too cold, but in warmer weather the water taxi is a fun way to see a lot of neighborhoods too.
The science center is good, and has a newly renovated outdoor play area around it that is really cool for that age group too.
I’m curious- how many other Baltimore readers are there?
Anon
I LOVE the American Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore. Swoon.
Anonymous
I forgot to add – the very underrated Baltimore Museum of Industry! Plus they have free parking and a great view of Harbor East and the Domino Sugar sign
Anon
I feel like DC=>Baltimore you could do any time, including another day trip. I think an overnight or weekend in Philadelphia might be more fun for the kids and not much longer of a drive.
Anon
+1
Anon
Might be too late for you to see, but the Walters Art Gallery. My kids loved it when they were in the elementary school age. Lots of knights and dead animals, and some interesting things to poke around. Take the water taxi from the Harbor to the Under Armor plant. Eat harborside at Nicks.
Anon
That whole Square with the Washington Monument, the Walters and the Peabody is lovely. The Methodist church is really something. You also need to try to get *in* to the Peabody to gawk at their library. It’s a sight to behold.
I happen to love Baltimore, having visited it every year from the mid-70s to the late 80s, before Harbor Place was built, and when the McCormick factory was still operational. You knew you were approaching the latter because your nose would start to twitch from all the spices in the air.
Seventh Sister
I grew up about 20 miles from Baltimore and I remember the first time I went to the Walters Art Gallery with my school group. It was absolutely magical and sparked my lifelong love of museums. It’s not a children’s museum, but has a really varied collection so there are all kinds of things to enjoy. And the building itself is beautiful.
When I was a kid, MD suburbanites were absolutely petrified of Baltimore, as if you got mugged 100% of the time the second you stepped out of your car within city limits. My folks were more sanguine about it as transplant, but I still remember the hullaballoo about going to Johns Hopkins for a school competition and the teacher let us walk to a local deli (we were fine). I’m a GenX and I think the city has gotten safer over the years, though there is still crime and a great deal of poverty.
Baltimore Museum
The Jewish Museum of Maryland is a short walk from the waterfront area and very interesting. IIRC, it is where the Jewish community of Baltimore used to be.
Smokey
Baltimorean here. I understand the concern with walking to the Edgar Allen Poe house – it is not in a particularly safe area. But there are lots of family friendly activities in nice areas. The Maryland Science Center and Port Discovery Children’s Museum are both in the area of the Inner Harbor and would be age appropriate. The zoo is really nice but I would stick to the downtown activities. Dempsey’s Restaurant at Camden Yards is a fun way to visit the baseball stadium in the off season. I would suggest it for lunch. I also agree with the Water Taxi suggestion. The nicest hotels and restaurants are in Harbor East. You can walk along the harbor promenade quite a distance from there (both east and west directions).
Anan
Port Discovery.
Also I love hiking at Patapscoe
anon
Help me shop! I’m looking for a lilac or pinkish-purple sweater. I desperately need some color in my life these days. Would like it to have some style beyond basic but I will take what I can get as long as it’s not super cropped. Size 12-14.
Anon
Like a chunky cable turtleneck sweater or a ladylike twin set? What are you going for?
anon
More in the vein of a chunky, cute sweater.
Anonymous
https://www.monsoonlondon.com/us/supersoft-stitch-jumper-with-recycled-polyester–purple-54172294.html#queryID=357574825475a981e2e411c01f161dbc&objectID=5417229452&indexName=production_eu01_monsoonaccessorizeltd_demandware_net__monsoon-global__products__default
Anon
Sezane has some pretty sweaters in this color area.
Anon
Like this one
https://www.sezane.com/us/product/angelie-cardigan/purple
Smokey
I love this suggestion!
anon
I’m pretty sure I’m having a midlife crisis of sorts. That’s hard enough, but I’m having a really hard time explaining to my DH what’s going on with me. He’s such an even-keeled guy that I don’t think he can relate on any level. And frankly, some of my angst comes from dealing with sh!t that he, as a white dude, will never have to understand. It’s making me feel very far apart from him right now, which probably isn’t fair to him or our relationship. But I find myself so angry that I feel like a mess and he’s just so freaking satisfied. Other than therapy (which I probably need), how do I fix this? Or help him understand?
Curious
Does he need to fully understand, or just adapt his behavior to treat your experience and words as valid? It sounds like he might be going from “I don’t get it” to “therefore it’s not important”. I often have more success with my partner (and, honestly, as a friend) when I accept I really don’t understand why what they’re going through is such a big deal, and then still support like it’s the big deal they say it is — listening, giving them space and time, etc. Several times I have understood months or years later. Maybe you can ask for supporting action?
anon
I need him to listen more and reflect back in some way that shows that he’s really taking it in as a valid concern. Instead, I just don’t get much response at all, when I feel like I’m baring my heart and vulnerabilities.
Curious
Ugh, that’s frustrating. My husband often thinks he’s being empathetic when really it feels like talking to a brick wall. Periodic couples workshops that coach active listening behaviors help us.
Anon
I wouldn’t discount that he’s just living the life without concerns. They may be different than yours, but he’s a person too. Sit down and talk, resentment builds when you don’t communicate.
Anon
Omg. I’m in the same boat. Like exactly. I don’t know what to do either so I am definitely looking at the replies.
Anon
My opinion is that a partner doesn’t always need to understand what the other is experiencing, because frankly many times that’s impossible, but they MUST respect the feelings/acknowledge the experience/not dismiss it. Then, the partner who is going through the expense needs to do the hard work of figuring out what they need from the other partner (I’m in it right now and a therapist can help!), and then ask for it. The asked partner needs to try as hard as they can to meet the need of the asking partner or say I can’t do that for you so the asking partner can figure out where to go next.
Anon
*experience not expense!
anon
“some of my angst comes from dealing with sh!t that he, as a white dude, will never have to understand.” What exactly is the sh!t you’re referring to? FWIW, I’m dealing with some things that fall in to this category but I openly talk about them with DH like… all the time. And I feel supported. I wish he could support more if I’m being really honest, but I’m a firm believer that there is an upper limit on sympathy and supporting someone through something you never could have to face yourself. I think he’s giving me the maximum he’s capable of, and I apprecaite that.
My advice? Name the things, and then talk about the things. And if you can’t actually talk about the things with him, then there’s a different issue at play.
Anon
I don’t think it is necessary to date/marry someone of your own race if you are a POC and even if a person marries someone of their own race, relationship can fail because of 1000s of other reason. With that said, when I was thinking about who to marry, marrying someone who was a POC (doesn’t have to be same race) was important to me because of things like this and I personally need someone to understand at least some of my experience. So many of my experiences are impacted by race and that is true even if the actions of others are not actually based on race. The doubt is always there.
When I get to a restaurant and I get seated at the worst table, I always wonder is it because I am a POC. One time at a fancy restaurant in Maui, the waiter circled the trip line and I wondered “does she think I won’t tip because I am Indian?” I got mad and left an extra large tip so that if she did think I won’t tip well because I am Indian, that maybe she won’t assume the same thing about the next Indian customer.
OP – I think you have to think about why you are with the person, you love them and choose them for a reason. They can be supportive even if they don’t share your experience.
Anon
Do Indian people have a reputation as being stingy? Never heard that one before.
Anon
Yes, they do. (Also Indian!) Which is so unfair because I am a great tipper. Sometimes I get big smiles AFTER I pay the bill, but not really before. Oh well. Frustrating because white people get to be individuals, and we are judged as a monolith.
Anyway…I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir. This board seems pretty sensitive to all that
anon
I think I’ve mischaracterized it. When I described him as a white male, I meant to convey his innate privilege to move through the world. I am a white woman; I often feel like I deal with things and expectations as a woman that he never will.
anon
More in the vein of a chunky, cute sweater.
Anon
To the poster yesterday who was dealing with anxious/intrusive thoughts: My therapist taught me to do a “ok, and then what?” exercise. If the thought is, “OMG, I suck at my job”, you’d walk through the steps – “Ok, what if I am a bad at my job, then what?” “Well, my boss would think I was bad at my job.” “Ok, and then what?” “Well, I might get fired.” “Ok, and then what?” “I’d be embarrassed. I’d have let my grandpa down.” “Ok, and then what?” “I’d have to find a new job.” “Ok, and then what?” “Well, I’d probably manage, and I’d try harder at this job to avoid X that I had messed up in the first place.”
It takes the scaries out of it. The goal is to take from Some Big Thing to “ok, I can deal with this if it happens.”
But also, girl, medication. For real. Life changer.
Anon
I’m not the prior poster. But I’m using this tip for myself!
Anon
I do this too, it really helps.
Anon
I posted several weeks ago about my mostly fantastic workplace that I was incredibly sad to realize I may have to leave in order to rid myself of one awful, psycho coworker who seemed to have it as their personal mission in life to sabotage me. Shortly after that, I posted an update that I spoke to my boss about my frustration, things came to a head, and we had an action plan with a firm deadline.
Happy to report back that the psycho coworker has since been fired and walked out the door. My life is temporarily busier, but the stress has completely melted away. Not only did my boss take steps to quickly end the troubling behavior once and for all, but as this all went down, I had some very heartwarming conversations where I learned just how much my boss, other senior employees, and the company values me.
anon
Wow, you couldn’t ask for a better outcome! Glad that your boss had your back.
Anon
Wow! I’m so happy this is the resolution!
Vicky Austin
Oh, that’s the best possible outcome. Glad you hung on and took the high road!
Anon
Good for you!!
anon
I can’t tell you how happy I am for you! Your story was one of the most unsettling things I have read in awhile and made me very stressed for you. Good for you for standing up for yourself and I am so amazed the chips fell where they should so quickly.
Well done.
Senior Attorney
OMG this is so great! Hooray!!
nyclaw
Looking for post covid sartorial advice. I am scheduled to go to an industry specific legal conference in the spring (four days, CLEs, stay at hotel where conference is). pre Covid I would have worn “soft suiting” to this sort of event which seemed a little more business like than what I normally wear and would give temperature versatility. Honestly, the thought of wearing any kind of suiting at this point feels almost like wearing a corset and bustle, wildly outdated and overdressed. For those who have been to these sorts of events in the last year, can you tell me what you wore? what other people were wearing? thanks! It’s four days and I want to fly carry on so that’s a factor too. thanks!
Anon
Not the same industry, but people at the conferences I’m going to are wearing the same things they did pre-Covid. Which includes suits.
Cat
+1, with the exception that footwear is uniformly more comfortable than before. Lots of flats.
anon
Same. I was dismayed.
Anonymous
I am seeing a lot of blazers with jeans and comfortable shoes on lawyers at meetings.
Anonymous
This is my experience as well. I wore my jackets and pants that had the most stretch. It’s just hard for me to go back to structured pants and jackets when there’s so much sitting involved.
Anon
Very low stakes question: do you capitalize all the words in your email subject line?
startup lawyer
Yes
Vicky Austin
Not unless they’re all proper nouns, which happens.
Anon
+1
Anon
I write them like I would a bullet point. First word is capitalized, but other words are only capitalized if they would be in other writing.
pugsnbourbon
+1
Anon
Nope. But I’m a news writer and in AP Style you only capitalize the first word of a headline, plus proper nouns and abbreviations.
Cat
The more business-y and official the communication, the more likely I am to capitalize everything. If it’s a group email about like, picking a lunch location, no.
Auburn
Depends on who I’m emailing. I typically just use sentence case, ie (Here is an email subject line) but if it’s more formal/to senior leaders, I tend more toward title case for some reason.
Anon
Definitely not unless it’s like, the official announcement of something.
Anon
Yes; it’s a title.
Anon
I’m cool with people capitalizing however they want, but I do not think an email subject line is a title!
Anon
Agreed.
Anon
Yes
MagicUnicorn
No, and if someone did I would assume at first glance that the email was a sales pitch that made it past our spam filter.
NotInstaFamous
I have, courtesy of a very nice neighbor and an overly abundant garden last summer, 20 + large jars of canned green beans. I am looking for recipes and cooking ideas! No dietary restrictions, but I’ve already done a lot of chili and stew (there were originally 30 jars). Is there anything else I can do with these? The texture is a bit too soft/squishy for salads or eating alone. I’m thinking maybe seeing if I can dry them off and then broil or bbq them? High risk of dinner tasting like my grandmother’s in 1970 Northern England.
nuqotw
I like green beans in a soy/peanut sauce.
Curious
+1 nommmm
Anon
Too squishy for a fresh green salad but what about something like this: https://www.dinneratthezoo.com/three-bean-salad/
Vicky Austin
So they’re in liquid?
My Thanksgiving green beans recipe starts with fresh beans, but steams them in a couple inches of water at first before letting them get toasty and colorful in a now-dry skillet. Maybe if you keep back most of the canning liquid and pour a few Tbsp plus the beans into a skillet, you could do that? Adding toasted almonds and cooked bacon per my Thanksgiving recipe couldn’t hurt either ;) and you could use the leftover canning liquid for vegetable broth or something.
Anon 2.0
They will be soft but how about a Greek green bean with tomatoes? I’ve seen lots of recipes on Pinterest.
Senior Attorney
I bet you could pat them dry and roast them. I roast frozen green beans all the time.
Anon
I love veggies like this in a homemade tomato-based vegetable soup. Add some frozen corn too – it will give you a crunchy contrast to the green beans.
Serve with a grilled cheese sandwich!
Anonymous
I would just celebrate them for what they are and eat them as snacks, perhaps with a yogurt-dill dip.
Help!
Christening present I can get by tomorrow? It’s for a boy and he’s either six months or two – I’m not sure which kid is our godson – which complicates matters! Note that the dad asked DH, so this is on DH! Agh! I got three picture books the mom will like but I want to get something else.
anon
A child bible? A crisp $50 or $100 bill? If you can get to a bank, my DH’s aunt gave a handful of silver coins in a nice commemorative box to one of my kids.
Lily
How about a beautiful picture frame, so they can frame pictures of the Christening? If you have a Pottery Barn nearby, they would have a good selection, and you can get a gift receipt. If you’re on more of a budget, Marshall’s or Home Goods have a wonderful selection.
Anon
If the parents have a 529 for your godson, a check.
Do you have a mall nearby that does engraving? Things Remembered does same-day silver engraving and usually has loads of crosses and baptism themed items.
Depending on how faithful the family is, head to a bookstore and get a children’s book of prayers.
Anon
Wait you don’t know which child is your godson?! That seems like a bigger issue than knowing what to buy. How are you going to address the card?
Anon
Wait you don’t know which child is being christened, how old he is, or if he’s your godson?!
pugsnbourbon
Sounds like her husband dropped the ball on communicating. OP, the books plus a check will be fine.
River bird
If you are the godparents, a children’s Bible with a nice inscription from you. If you are just attending as a guest, I like the picture frame idea (but I also think picture books are fine by themselves!) My son got a compass with a relevant Bible verse inscribed for his baptism from his sponsors, but you probably don’t have time for that unless you have an engraving store nearby. Other guests gave faith-themed children’s books, and this is what I give.
We are Christian (obviously, ha) but personally I see no need for religious trinkets except from the godparents/very close family members. Just my two cents.
Seventh Sister
Epsicopalian here, so christenings aren’t usually a big social thing, and I was just happy people came and sat through the service. Any present was gravy.
Cognac and Amaretto
Thank you to the poster who mentioned the cognac and amaretto cocktail a couple weeks ago. I added a twist of orange peel. Excellent.
Anon
Mmm that sounds good.
Now try amaretto, chai concentrate, and half and half. You’re welcome.
Jules
That was me! So glad you liked it – and I’ll try your orange peel suggestion next time.
nearsighted
What are your favorite sites for buying contacts? My eye dr. has an optical shop, but I’m sure I’m paying too much by buying mine there.
Anonymous
Costco
Anon
+1
Sunflower
Not Lens.com. Still waiting for my $135 rebate from last July that they assure me is on its way.
Davis
I use 1800Contacts and they’ve been reasonably priced, but I haven’t shopped around in a few years. I agree there is likely a markup from your optical shop.
Anon
I usually comparison shop. In recent years, I’ve bought from Walgreens, Contacts Direct, and my insurance (Eyeconic). It’s more expensive though Eyeconic, but I get $150 free, so I buy that much and no more. I’ve had good experiences with those so far.
Anon
I’ve only ever bought my contacts from the same eye place I’ve been going to since I was a child. What is a normal rate for daily contacts?
Anon
Walmart online. A lot of eye doctors will price match, though. I used to flatly refuse to jump through the hoops for the stupid rebates, but then the rebates got too high to give up. Ugh. The contacts pricing scheme annoys me to no end.
French Wedding Guest Attire
Has anyone been to a summer French countryside wedding as a guest? It’s my SO’s nephew’s wedding, will be a catholic mass plus reception and dinner plus brunch from what I understand.
Looking for dress (?) recommendations or any tips as I’ve never been to a French wedding, and SO hasn’t lived in France for over two decades now. I’m in my mid 30s, size 8-10 in Banana Republic, J Crew, and between M and L in Talbots. Thank you in advance!
pugsnbourbon
Okay this sounds like a dream.
I think this is the dress you need: https://www.suesartor.com/collections/cocktail/products/firenze-dress-with-ball-skirt-amethyst-royal-blue-peony-silk-organza
Anon
Yes, this is a total dream! I agree on something floaty and floral, but maybe in softer colors. I don’t know their culture on standing out/upstaging the bride.
thanksgiving anxiety
wow great dress!
I was going to suggest: https://www.net-a-porter.com/en-us/shop/product/camilla/clothing/maxi-dresses/embellished-ruffled-printed-silk-crepe-and-chiffon-maxi-dress/46376663162566110
but I like the Sue Sartor better.
I wouldn’t wear this in the summer, but for fall or spring I think this velvet floral is cool: https://www.net-a-porter.com/en-us/shop/product/isabel-marant/clothing/midi-dresses/gilalbi-ruched-floral-print-velvet-midi-dress/1647597283200393
For brunch I’d do a structured linen mini with sleeves pair with wedges or sandals like
https://www.net-a-porter.com/en-us/shop/product/zimmermann/clothing/mini-dresses/laurel-belted-printed-linen-mini-dress/1647597289741006
Reformation also had some cute midi linen dresses last time I looked.
Anon
Ugh…. would a chic French woman attending this woman actually wear something like this?
I don’t think so.
Anon
Um no but this sounds amazing. So jealous.
NW Islander
Yes, I have. I wore a cocktail dress from Anthropologie with a large scale garden print and illusion accents. No specific advice for a French country wedding over an American one, except you might want to look extra fabulous because FRANCE.
Perhaps upsize your bag so you can pack a comfortable pair of shoes for the longer day that ends in dinner.
Definitely pace yourself at dinner because the food is likely to be amazing and abundant. I wish I’d saved a little more room for the after-dinner cheese course, on top of desserts.
anon
Yes! It’s been a decade, so maybe confirm that this is still the fashion, but the daytime portions are your chance to wear a fancy hat (which you can buy in Paris before taking a train to the wedding town). Otherwise, what you’d wear to a US wedding should be fine.