Coffee Break: Diamond Earrings
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L'atelier Nawbar is new to me, but I'm immediately in love with half of their earrings on NET-A-PORTER. A lot of them have layered looks, such as the turquoise center to these earrings that “can be seen through the laser cutouts in the 18-karat gold.”
(I couldn't decide whether to post these fun turquoise and diamond earrings, or these twisted earrings!! Ack, gorgeous.)
According to NET-A-PORTER:
Founded over 130 years ago in Beirut, Lebanon, L'Atelier Nawbar is currently run by the family's latest generation of sisters, Dima and Tania. The duo pulls inspiration from shared childhood memories of playing dress-up – their goal is to create modern heirlooms that will be cherished for generations to come.
The pictured ones are 18-karat gold, turquoise, and diamond hoop earrings for $2,550 and are made in France. (The brand has a number of gorgeous turquoise rings if you like the matchy-matchy look!)
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Sales of note for 1/22/25:
- Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
- AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
- Ann Taylor – All sale dresses $40 (ends 1/23)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything
- Boden – Clearance, up to 60% off!
- DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
- Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
- J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
- J.Crew Factory – End of season sale, extra 60-70% off clearance, online only
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – extra 50% off
I would like to buy a leather cross-body purse. I was looking at the Lo & Sons Pearl, but it might be a tad small. Any feedback on that bag or have similar recommendations? I’d like to spend under $300. Bonus points if it comes in a dark red/burgundy color with gold hardware. Thanks!
Depends on whether you want it fancy or casual. For fancy I’d look at Cuyana. But for not-fancy, like when I’m running around on the weekends (sometimes with my dog) and need both hands free, I love my mini tote crossbody from Portland Learher. Someone here recommended it to me, and thank you kind stranger. It has been a workhorse.
I just bought a crossbody bag from The Sak and I really like it. Not too big, but big enough for a wallet, phone, glasses car, Kindle; not a lot of froofraw on it; leather seems nice; I got black but it comes in a bunch of colors. I got it for about $100, with a little card case thingy included.
San Francisco shout-out! I used to go to The Sak warehouse sales when I was younger. Absolute madness but everything was a killer deal. I mostly think of them having woven fabric bags, the kind of fabric that looks like really tight crocheting, no holes – not sure what that’s called.
I actually just got a Pearl for Christmas and I love it. To me it seems a bit bigger in real life than it looked online. It’s absolutely gorgeous.
I have the Pearl and I do think it’s too small. I am currently mostly using a Madewell cross-body, so take a look there.
Kate spade has a small crossbody purse in the color/accent color combo you mention. I think it’s called knott crossbody?
Right now I am carrying the Circle Crossbody from Portland Leather. I got an “almost perfect” version since I figured I was just going to bang it up anyway, and I was shocked at the how good it was when I got it. I seriously could not figure out why it wasn’t sold as a normal version.
I went and looked at the Pearl – it looks like it’s about the same size, although the pearl probably is a bit more functional. The circle crossbody is fun for the shape, medium for functionality. I basically have to have it zipped, otherwise it hangs very funny. The front pocket fits my phone but if it’s not tucked in just right it makes it hang funny too. So on quality, I’d recommend Portland Leather in one of their other options that is a bit bigger. I’d recommend the circle crossbody only if you’re looking for a fun shape.
Before this bag, I carried the Able Abera Crossbody tote for a little over 2 years, and still pull it out when I want something bigger. That bag was definitely easier because it had lots of room, but is totally unstructured so not what I think you’re looking for.
Quince has a quilted flap bag that has a crossbody or shoulder option. It comes in Merot and has a gold quilted chain. Looks really elegant and they have free returns. Worth checking out.
Cuyana Double loop cross body (medium) or Leatherology.
As I sit chained to my desk for going on 8 years, I sometimes daydream about having a job that isn’t a desk job. It’s never a specific job in my daydreams though, because I have no desire to enter the medical field or be a policewoman, firefighter, plumber, etc (what all those “non desk job” lists consist of). Who here has a fascinating non desk job? Or knows someone who does? How did you/they get into it?
It might help to know more about what you don’t like about a desk job? Is it physically sitting at a computer for a large part of the day, or is it the constraints of the typical 8-5 office schedule?
But off the top of my head in addition to all the professions you listed I would add daycare/preschool teachers, K-12 teachers, lab scientists, some engineers who do a lot of fieldwork, airline pilots and flight attendants, occupational therapists (I guess that’s sort of medical, but you don’t have to have the same level of comfort with blood that doctors and nurses do), retail and hospitality workers.
I seem to recall there was a big thread about this a couple weeks ago.
Artist, seamstress, clothing designer, interior decorator, dietitian. Anything where you go to clients’ homes or workplaces.
Jeweler. But I am obsessed with jewelry, especially pearls and semiprecious gemstones. Super interested in lab created precious stones as well.
And allll the gold.
I’m friends with an independent jeweler and I am constantly jealous of her.
I feel like it’s either deal with the public, be good at math, or have a desk job. I can’t do the first two, so I settled for a desk job.
Do you count teachers as dealing with the public? Because I know a lot of teachers who are bad at math. In general, most of the math people I know have pretty desk-oriented jobs so these groupings don’t make a lot of sense to me. The finance and tech industries are filled with math-y people and both have a lot of desk jobs. Some are professors who do a bit of teaching and conference travel, but are mostly at a desk.
Person who is Good At Math here. What are these non-desk jobs you speak of?
Signed, FCAS
I guess I meant scientific fields in which math would be required as a foundation – biology, chemistry, astronomy
Those fields have plenty of their fair share of desk jobs, I think, unless you’re using them to be a medical professional.
Or engineering
I was an astronomy major and did astronomy research in undergrad. Being an astronomer is basically a desk job. There can be travel involved for conferences and if you’re going to one of the big telescopes to observe (although you don’t need to be physically present to collect data and indeed lots of astronomers use data from space telescopes), but I wouldn’t really say it’s any different than any other desk job, just with more travel than some jobs have. If you’re a professor, there’s teaching and student mentorship in addition to research, but it’s still what I’d call a desk job with travel.
I have yet to meet an engineer who doesn’t spend 95% of his/her time at a desk, on the computer. And I know a ton of engineers.
Everything is increasingly done from a desk/computer setup.
When you think of people not working at a desk, it’s essential workers or very poorly paid customer facing jobs like retail cashiers and wait staff.
There are so many jobs that are a mix of desk and non-desk work, would that interest you? FWIW, this is my ideal work environment, I enjoy having a home base, quiet time (where I don’t have to be “on”) working at my desk, and time when I’m doing non-desk or non-routine work. I am a local government emergency manager. I have plenty of desk work: regular admin work, writing reports, emails and phone calls with partners and vendors, managing grants and vendors, writing plans. However, there are a lot of meetings, trainings, community engagement work, logistics work, and of course, emergency response. Emergency management is not for everyone (and I am currently incredibly burnt out), but it’s overall a great fit for me.
Other careers that may interest you:
– Teaching. While there’s a lot of prep work, grading, comment writing, and faculty meetings, the time you’re physically teaching is not at at desk. It’s of course grade and subject dependent, but teaching a science class with a lab component would be hands on, as would teaching elementary schoolers.
– Corporate training. If you like the idea of teaching but don’t want to work with kids or in a school, there are plenty of corporate and government training teams. My first job in my field was working for a large emergency management agency on their training team. We didn’t do onboarding or orientation (that was all HR) but we did training on different emergency situations for our staff and staff from partner agencies. I was the coordinator, so I didn’t develop or give the trainings, but it was a great team.
– I know you said you didn’t want to work in the medical field, but I’d reconsider physical therapy, occupational therapy, or speech therapy. I have friends who are all 3 and they are all so happy with their careers. You can do these jobs in so many different settings. For example, I have two friends who are OTs. One works in a hospital with patients recovering from survey while another works with toddlers and young children in their homes and schools exclusively.
– I have a few friends in medical device sales and they all love it and make really great money. They are mostly on site at hospitals and then a little WFH for the admin part of the job.
– There are a lot of government jobs that involve working with the public / community engagement roles. Obviously, that is not everyone’s cup of tea but there’s a team of 3 in my current office who do it and they seem happy.
– Not sure what your background is and/or if you’re willing to go back to school, but I have several friends who work in labs doing different things (don’t ask me what) or as clinical research coordinators that seem to be desk and non-desk. Likewise, some engineering jobs are all desk work and some engineering jobs are very hands on and some fall in between.
– Some sales, account management, or business operations jobs involve spending a lot of time on site and thus are less desk focused than other sales, account management, and business operations jobs.
– Event Management/Coordination. Obviously while working the event you are running around taking care of everything, but a lot of the prep work is also “hands on”: scoping out the event space, meeting with vendors, etc. There are companies that do this full time and several large companies have a full in-house events team. Likewise, many visitor experience jobs are essentially event management jobs in-house for a venue (NFL stadium, museum, concert venue).
One thing I have found about non-desk jobs is that most of them require in-person work all or the majority of the time. So, if you value remote or hybrid work then these jobs are not likely a good fit.
I’d also suggest staying away from “analyst” jobs as that’s as desk job as it comes, even if it’s under the department of one of the jobs I mentioned above. At an old job of mine we had an analyst who pretty much stayed at her desk and made dashboards, trackers, maps while others got to go do “cool” things.
Check back – I have a long post in mod.
Your amazing reply is why I love corporette. This is why. Thank you!
AnonEM, this is just such a terrific post. Wish we were friends in real life. Thank you. – NottheOP
I often fantasize about a non-desk job too, but as I think the sample here probably skews heavily toward desk jobs. I know I come on here when I’m bored at said desk job.
My ex husband was a forester. He worked for a state forestry commission. Got into it by going to forestry school.
I had non-desk jobs in the first decade of my working life, though it’s been almost a decade of desk jobs now. They were mostly in the hospitality / outdoor education / environmental awareness space. My friends who still work in that area generally are some type of backcountry guide or work for a public lands agency.
I’m sometimes jealous of them, but I enjoy 1) my current income and 2) the fact that if I throw my back out, I’m not out of a job indefinitely.
I have a long post in mod (under username AnonEM) so check back for that!
I have that daydream. If I could do it all over again, I think I’d do landscape design.
I know a bunch of folks in policy/science combo roles. These are about 50/50 desk and moving around jobs. There is field work (collecting samples, counting species, assessing landscapes etc), lab work (testing samples, taxonomic identification, playing with gadgets to assess whether they are field ready), and then traditional policy work (writing laws, presenting at conferences, developing options etc). I have colleagues from around the world in various levels of governments who all have similar jobs and we all love it.
In my fantasy life, I’m a stage manager for live theater (like plays or musicals, not rock shows).
I do this! Definitely not a desk job (I mean there are times when I’m at my desk doing paperwork but that’s like maybe two hours a day). But also not a job with a lot of stability or benefits.
I wouldn’t have wanted to do this with kids at home but I think being a pilot would be a great career for a childless person. I’ve thought about trying to do it once my kids are grown, but I’ll be 50 by then and apparently that’s too old to start.
Not at all too old to start! You can be a commercial pilot until you are 65 and there is talk that age may increase due to the overall pilot shortage.
There are strong headwinds against increasing the age, and they’re only trying to increase it to 67! Think about it: in case of an emergency, do YOU want the average 70 year old to have your life in his hands? (I know there are tons of vital 70 yos; I know there are just as many who are not.)
— Daughter and wife of a pilot
Actually I know about this from my brother, who is a pilot. Many 70 year olds obviously couldn’t pilot commercially, but the FAA health checks and standards are quite thorough. If the FAA says a pilot can fly, I trust it! But in any case, the point is even 50-65 is a great second career.
Interesting! I don’t want to work past age 65 so the mandatory retirement age isn’t a big deal, but I found some stuff on Google that was saying if you start after age 50 you can’t work for a major airline, and that would be a big drawback for me because I’d be doing it in no small part for the travel perks. I guess maybe you need a certain number of years of experience and if you start at 50 you can’t get enough experience before you hit retirement age? Anyway, thanks for these comments! I’ll look into it further. One of my daughters currently wants to be a pilot and I did promise her that I’ll go to pilot school at the same time she does, but she’s 5 so the odds she changes her mind about her career are pretty high (and even if she doesn’t change her mind about the career she’ll probably change her mind about me coming with her :)).
My favorite job was working at a museum, specifically on the floor interacting with guests. Pay was absolute sh!t but I loved it.
Lobbyist. Plenty of desk time, but lots of going places: meetings with lawmaker staff, meetings with clients/coalitions/stakeholders, fundraising events. (Fundraisers are sometimes fancy like you imagine them; other times it’s eating a stale danish at 7:30 am in a cramped restaurant event room.)
If I didn’t have a desk job (and, you know, responsibilities), I would get into wilderness search and rescue with a canine team.
Can you talk me into or out of this skirt?
https://www.cuyana.com/clothing/leather-paneled-mini-skirt/20083074.html?dwvar_20083074_color=pearl
It’s too short to be versatile. It looks like a very fancy clubbing skirt. It’s gorgeous but how much will you actually wear it?
I’m 5’2″, so I think the length may actually be ok. Maybe not knee length/work appropriate, but ok for weekend lunches/Saturdays downtown?
I am also 5’2” but 17” in the front and 16” in the back is very, very, very short.
It’s beautiful. I have no idea how or where I would wear it, but if you do, go for it!
I love it with the high boots, and agree that it is on the short side. But if you can pull it off in Chicago weather and have the places to wear it…. who am I to talk you out of it.
For additional context, I am 5’2″ so I don’t think the length will be an issue. Obviously not for wearing to work/professional occasions, but I’m WFH anyways. I was thinking for a more dressed up look when meeting up with friends for brunch/dinner/shopping on the weekends. Would it be appropriate for that?
I have some extra money from a recent large project that I over-estimated and over-saved for. I’ll save the rest, but have been thinking about this skirt since December. It is a lot more than I normally spend on closes, though.
clothes* ugh
If you can afford it I’d go for it! I wore the heck out of a black wool a-line mini skirt in my 20s and it was surprisingly versatile – with dark tights/chunky sweaters it was more daytime friendly or I could pair it with a fun going out top and heels for bars/clubs.
I mean…. if you live/shop on the Gold Coast then sure going out to brunch/shopping with friends may look like this skirt. But most of my peers in Chicago are much more casual so only you know your crowd.
But I would definitely wear this more in the evenings/going out. You can dress it up/down many ways. Beautiful. Yes, you definitely deserve it.
I’d wear this to work if it came to my knees or only slightly above, with tights. (not black)
I really like it! I wouldn’t get a ton of use out of it in my current stage of life because it’s too short for work and I personally dress sluttier when going out at night, but I really like how it’s styled on the website and could definitely see myself wearing that to family get-togethers or out for dinner. I also think it looks best with a chunky sweater and I’m just not a big sweater person because I’m always too hot in them once I’m indoors. But if you can think of ways you’d style it and get use out of it I’d say go for it! It’s beautiful.
I think it’s really cute, and it could be the one you think about later in life with “ah, I missed the chance to wear that cool skirt in my 20s”
I’d order it at least and see it in person, then you’ll know.
Thanks all! Closing the loop – I just ordered it but may return it if it’s too short (I’m used to most ‘mini’ skirts normally being a decent-ish length on me given my short legs, but this one may push it a bit far).
Please post a review once you get it! You’ve got me wanting to buy it too!
What is your ideal weekend — and how much of that itinerary is a regular occurrence?
Bird watching weather permitting, lots of cooking dinners, and lunches out. Oh, and a Friday night cocktail at home to kick off the weekend.
Every weekend.
The every once in a while fancy weekend is spending Saturday, Saturday night, and Sunday morning in another city. Usually not too far away.
Perfect family weekend involves a very nice brunch, and a walk in the woods, a wander along the beach, or a bike ride, followed by tea and cake, maybe a trip to a bookshop to buy books for kiddo and I (I married a non reader). Sushi takeaway and some fizz to round off the day.
Perfect me weekend: yoga, brunch, seeing friends, a walk, reading a book in a cafe or an exhibition.
Basically – brunch, books, something active, nature
Both happen decently often – we normally go out to brunch once a month and often go to the beach, even in the winter because we live a 15 minute drive from really gorgeous Scottish beaches. Once or twice a semester, I end up in work city over the weekend, and try to make it restorative.
I love brunch food but I hate going to brunch. It always seems like there’s a huge wait. Maybe that’s just a bay area thing. I am far too cranky/hangry to wait in line for breakfast. The only time I’ve really enjoyed it has been on vacation at a resort where you can roll out of bed at 10AM and be seated immediately.
But in an ideal world, your weekend day sounds perfect!
There are trendy brunch places with long lines in most major cities, but it’s definitely worse in the Bay Area. I think because so many places don’t take reservations?
I always feel like younger people in the Bay Area see people lined up and think, “I have to go there,” even if they’ve never heard of the place.
My friend group was sort of like this when we were in our 20s. I remember standing in a very long line for one Thai restaurant because it was “THE Thai restaurant,” all by word of mouth, when there was another Thai restaurant just down the block. And then everyone ordered pad thai.
I just didn’t join them for brunch! I was born with the crankiness.
Same! I hate waiting in line for restaurants and almost never do it. I once said something about how I don’t wait in lines for things (I think it was on the Moms page re: Disneyworld) and someone snarkily said “If you won’t wait in lines, how do you eat in restaurants?” but…it’s not that hard? I go to places that take reservations or places that aren’t the hyper trendy restaurant du jour. Even in my 20s I never understood the appeal of standing around for two hours waiting to eat brunch, and now at 37 I have zero tolerance for it.
My ideal weekend is less about what I do and more about who I spend it with. I like a good mix of nuclear family time with my husband and 5 year old kid, solo time, time alone with my husband, and time with my parents, who live in the same town (usually including my kid and sometimes my husband).
A typical schedule is something like:
Friday night dinner with my husband, parents and kid at our house
Saturday morning nuclear family time, maybe doing a baking project
Saturday afternoon: kid play date or birthday party which often results in some solo time for me
Saturday dinner with my parents, then they take kiddo for sleepover at their place
Sunday morning: Parents take my kid to Sunday School so DH and I can sleep in and go have a nice brunch somewhere
Saturday afternoon: I often do something solo with kid or with my kid + mom, like the library or ice skating, while DH does a sport
Sunday night: Family dinner and movie night
We travel a lot and go out of town or at least do a day trip to the big city a couple hours ~1-2 weekends per month, but when we’re home the itinerary above is the norm and is pretty close to ideal for me.
I don’t have a single ideal weekend so much as an ideal cadence. We like to do long weekend getaways and once a month is perfect for that. Some weekends we tackle house projects and feel refreshed and productive. Some weekends we’re lazy and go out for indulgent brunch and then nap. Some weekends we have plans with family or friends or do a Massive Errand Run to NJ… gotta maximize the value for that $5 trip across the bridge ;)
Dinner and drinks out on Friday, with just my husband or a double date, sleeping in and reading in bed with coffee Saturday morning, a yoga class or outing in the afternoon like to a bookstore, manicure, or shopping, making Saturday dinner at home and watching a movie, sleeping in Sunday then a relaxing day around the house with a little cleaning and grocery shopping!
Luckily my ideal weekend is pretty lowkey and attainable lol so I would say it happens pretty often!
Yoga, horseback riding, gardening/yard work, a hike, nature photography (sometimes combined with a hike, sometimes just at the local neighborhood lake). I usually do at least 2 of these, though lately it seems to rain on the weekends, which is making it difficult.
This is a really good question; I like to make a list of “What I want to do with my weekend” so I don’t go in completely directionless. I like a good mix of getting a few things done to make the week ahead nicer, luxuriating in sloth, and being out and about. Sometimes “out and about” means going to the fancy grocery store and taking my time!
The main thing I want from my weekend is not to feel completely rushed and exhausted on Sunday night. After spending one too many Sunday afternoons napping only to wake up at 4:38 with a complicated, annoying recipe planned for Sunday Dinner (TM), I don’t do that anymore. Cooking something complicated for fun is a Saturday only activity. Sunday is leftovers or a set it and forget it recipe to allow for said naps while still finishing up the laundry, taking a bath, and getting to bed on time.
I seem to have needed a lot of extra sleep since getting pregnant, but before that I loved to wake up at regular workday time one day per weekend and surprise my husband with something yummy and homemade for brunch. I also love a long, leisurely walk with the dog when the sun is actually out, something I only accomplish on weekends this time of year!
Friday: happy hour and apps with my co-workers. Drop by a local bar to meet friends for one more. Walk the dog. Watch a movie or TV. Early to bed.
Saturday: morning workout, walk the dog, delicious solo lunch, spend the rest of the day in bed with my BF
Sunday: morning gardening, trip to the farmers market with the dogs, delicious lunch, spend the rest of the day in bed with my BF
Most weekends involve a lot more chores, errands, and outings than this. This weekend will look a lot like this except chores on Friday night and Saturday morning and my BF wants to cook dinner.
A propos of this morning’s discussion, many family hand-me-downs are a burden, but some of them are special. So what is your most precious family heirloom? I’ll go first: Without question, mine is a watercolor painted in 1919 by my grandma, when she was 16. It’s a early-20th-century bathing beauty, quite similar to this: https://www.etsy.com/listing/264916634/bathing-beauty-vintage-style-print?click_key=6911b4c10f72b47f11ed716f5b706eb643215f07%3A264916634&click_sum=c782bfca&ref=shop_home_recs_1 only, in my humble opinion, even more awesome. It hung in my parents’ powder room for many years and now it’s in my powder room. It’s definitely the first thing I’d grab if the house were on fire!
How about you?
I’m not a sentimental person at all, but I have a small marble table, rectangle about 18×25, that I took from my mother’s house when she downsized. It originally belonged to my father’s aunt. It’s quite impractical because I don’t put drinks on it due to marble. It’s small enough not to be obtrusive and just very cute.
I love unique antique pieces like this.
Woolen quilt carded by my great-grandmother as a girl! She did two, which my mom later discovered had enough wool for three; fortuitous as I have two sisters. I like thinking about all the states it’s visited – there are many! I’d grab it first if the house were on fire, and about a year ago I decided it should be on our bed full time so it could spark joy. (With baby imminent, it’ll probably be put away again for a while since it can’t be put in the washer and I have no desire to have my water break on it or something!)
What an heirloom. So glad you are using it.
Honestly, I feel that all heirlooms should be used.
Me, too! It made me so sad on the morning thread to think that the OP’s MIL has treasured that beautiful handmade tablecloth and yet not used it.
and then OP was going to toss it. Both of those things hurt my heart for the person who put so much work into it.
I have my grandfather’s Army name tag from WWII with our last name on it.
My most precious heirloom is a blanket my great-grandmother made by hand. It humbles me every time I see it or use it… this woman lived in extreme poverty to the point of not always having enough food, couldn’t read or write, and lived through war. She made this blanket out of necessity to keep her children warm because no one could afford to buy one, and I get to use it as decoration in my home.
That’s such a lovely perspective.
Well it’s not really an heirloom because it doesn’t have any actual value, but I have my great-grandmother’s candlestick phone from the 20s. Three generations of kids played with that phone after it ended up in the toybox. I have it on a bookshelf and it’s a fun conversation piece. We also have my husband’s grandparents dining room table. It’s from the 60s and had this horrible orange/brown stain typical of the era and I never really liked it. We recently remodeled our kitchen/dining room and we got it refinished and now it’s absolutely gorgeous. Also, since mid-century modern furniture is so popular it was easy to buy new chairs to match the midcentury table! My husband was really close with his grandparents so it’s really nice to be able to think of all the Sunday family dinners that happened at that table.
I have some crocheted doilies my grandmother did (lace weight) and a linen cloth/small table cloth a relative brought home from a rare trip to Ireland in the 1940s. Some of my now-deceased mom’s jewelry (none of it precious.) A piece of equipment from my dad’s business that lives on my mantle as an objet.
My grandmother hand painted a glass plate as a teen and I have that in my dining room. My mom collected dishes using grocery store coupons, and we bring those out for Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Easter.
My family was incredibly poor on both sides so there are no items of great value to anyone else, just sentiment.
For my own family, lots of things from my kids’ babyhoods – a favorite blanket or toy, tiny little sweaters and socks and hats I knit for them, their favorite board books. My kids are away at college but their rooms at home each have shelves for mementos and I’m so interested in what is sentimental to them.
My great grandmother’s twin diamond ring.
My mother’s artwork, and my grandmother’s paintings.
My grandfather’s scalloped, wing-backed, chair with beautiful embroidery.
Hard to say. Top three:
(1) Engagement ring that belonged to my husband’s great grandmother.
(2) Small night table that my mother had made with my father’s supply of seasoned, never used cherry and I think of both of them when I unceremoniously stack stuff on it.
(3) Earrings that were my grandmother’s.
I have a table my dad made in shop class in the 1960s. It used to be my grandma’s Hall phone table. It’s just a super practical size!
I have my parents 4 poster bed, which isn’t technically old enough to be an antique but I love it.
We have a painting made by DH’a great grandmother of their ranch in texas (painted in ~1920? 1910? It’s undated.)
I’m somewhat sentimental (but hate clutter) and almost all of my furniture (dining table, bureau i use as a TV stand, coffee table, bureau, and desk) was inherited from grandparents. I love It for many reasons: sentimentality, it’s all high quality/solid wood/durable, it was free when I was in grad school and had no money, and some of it is even authentic mid century (my preferred style).
The most meaningful sentimental items I’ve received are 2 sweaters my grandmother knit for my mom in the 70s or 80s. My grandmother and I were very close but she had terrible arthritis and had to stop knitting before I was born so it’s cool to have her sweaters!
That I actually currently have, a pearl necklace from my grandmother. She had 2 very long pearl necklaces that were given to my grandfather by a Japanese company that opened a location in our city (he was a county commissioner, this was way back when giving gifts to local politicians was apparently ok) that she had restrung into 5 shorter necklaces for each of her granddaughters/daughters. I also have my great-grandmother’s engagement ring and another ring of her’s that has my birthstone and is wonderfully art deco.
That is still at my parents and isn’t actually a “heirloom” because it has no value to anyone other than us–a picture of my grandparents on the beach on their honeymoon in 1945. It’s just a fabulous picture to me.
Tell me more about the pearls, like what year they’re from! I would bet they’re cultured akoyas. Are they graduated or uniform in size? What a lovely heirloom and so special that she could get 5 strands from it for her granddaughters and daughters!
Signed,
wannabe jeweler from above
Not sure what year-probably the 1970s? So they’re not actually that old. They are very slightly graduated in size. And yes, I think they are cultured akoyas but not positive.
Cultured pearls were much more expensive in the 1970s than they are now, and they were mostly nicer quality. Enjoy!
My grandmother’s diamond engagement ring, which my mom gave to my husband to propose with – original setting and all (I have to say, she had timeless taste). I never really met her (she died when I was 1), so it’s special to me to have that connection with her.
As a runner up, I also have several beautiful oil paintings from my grandparents (one of which is a portrait of my mom, age 3).
My grandmother’s wedding band and her Shabbat candlesticks.
Maybe not techically an heirloom, but my favorite thing is photographs. Among my collection I have 3 sets of 2nd-great grandparents, WW1 and WW2 portraits, and some pretty old baby photos.
I sit at a desk everyday that belonged to my father and his father before him. It pleased my father so much when I asked for it.
My parents’ wedding bands. My mom died when I was 19, and my dad remarried not long after. On my own wedding day at 35, my dad gave me his and my mom’s wedding bands. I’m kinda tearing up thinking about it, to be honest! I wear mom’s (a pretty simple gold band) on my right hand every day.
The samovar my father’s mother’s family brought with them from Russia circa 1905 when they were escaping pogroms. She claimed to have been born on the ship.
My mom has one that her dad and grandmother brought from Russia too!
Very cool.
My paternal grandmothers Mexican blanket. I grew up with it always around in her home, and when she died and we we clearing out her house no one wanted it so I got it and I love it very much.
My maternal grandmother is still alive, but has been passing her things down since I became an adult. I love the elephants she’s given me the most. I have a pair of wooden elephants that were her aunt’s before, and she had in a windowsill just like I do now. They were faded from the sun when I received them.
My wedding band was my great grandmas and goes PERFECTLY with my engagement ring, entirely by luck since it was across the country at my great-aunts when my DH proposed. It had been said it would be given to me, but I had never seen it – so when they matched perfectly like a set it felt kind of magically.
My dad made my grandmother a wooden storage trunk that has a note to her wood burned under the lid. I love that thing more than words can say, especially now that they are both gone.
I also have some china candle sticks, plates and random serving ware that my grandmother painted that are just gorgeous. I’m happy every time I look at them in a display niche off of our formal living room. I also really treasure Christmas ornaments that were passed along from my other grandmother.
I don’t have much else since I never had bio kids and my parents didn’t really get much of a chance to know my stepson while he was growing up. Pretty much everything went to my brother and his large family.
To me, the sentimental matters much more than the financial. My parents collected a lot of things. Mainly one type of glassware (literally they ran a collectors club and went to national meetings and such). My mom’s entire basement is filled with it still, in row after row of display cases with meticulous notes for it all. (My husband calls her the neatest horder you’ll ever meet!) I hope it all goes to my brother as well. I have a lot of deep anger about it. There was a lot of my childhood where I was left alone far too young and for far too long while they went on trips to go collect it. When I see those cases, I see a lot of my childhood wasted for nothing. And that was money that could have really helped us. I grew up without a lot of basic things while they were spending $100 on a stupid butter dish or whatnot.
I hope when your parents pass, you and your brother sell the collection and you use your share of the money for a once in a lifetime trip for you and the people you love.
Just out of curiosity – is it circus glassware? I only ask because my boss’s father was a HUGE collector and now my boss has a ton of it in his office (and it is the only type of specialty glassware I know about!)
I was thinking depression glass or jadeite, maybe milk glass. I’m curious too!
When my great-grandmother was an “old maid” around the age of 32, she wrote her name and address on a dollar bill and spent it. A couple of months later, she received a letter from a man in the next state. They became pen pals, finally a visit, and they married a couple of years later.
I have a box of almost all his letters to her, including the very first one. I think it was written in 1909.
OMG this is fantastic!!
Heirlooms I took when we evacuated from to a wildfire: multiple oil and watercolor paintings done by my great-aunt, a Willie Mays baseball card from 1961, given to me by my uncle, a copy of the Joy of Cooking that belonged to my great-grandmother, and a kiddish cup that was my grandfather’s.
My grandmother’s sapphire necklace that she lent to me when I got married as my “something blue.” When she died, it was the only thing I wanted.
My great-grandmother’s hand-embroidered tea towels that she made out of flour sacks. She grew up in a poor, rural area and so was unable to buy things like tea towels, but made her own. I can remember my grandmother using them in her kitchen and then giving them to me. I don’t use them but I have them hanging in the kitchen.
My grandfather (literally) built a business when he came back from WWII. My dad recently renovated the building and had to remove all the old windows. I though the old glass and wood and the handle and hinges looked cool so I took one home. My husband built me a cabinet with that window as the front/door.
I could use a gut check from the hive about hosting social events when keeping an alcohol free home. My parents recently hosted a casual party at their home. My mom loves to host and does so frequently. Their social circle has largely been the same for years and their friends know that my parents do not drink for religious reasons. This extends to keeping an alcohol-free home as well. It’s never been an issues before and my mom has never had guests complain about the lack of alcohol. Yet at their last few parties, my parents noticed that several guests would nip over to the next door neighbor’s home and come back with full drink cups. At first, my parents didn’t think anything of it but eventually the pattern has become so blatant that it’s quite obvious they were going next door for alcoholic drinks.
My mom is very upset because she doesn’t understand why friends who know my parent’s religious beliefs would intentionally bring alcohol into their home (I guess technically a backyard isn’t inside, but I think it’s all the same). I also find this behavior immature and disrespectful. I host frequently, my friends know I don’t drink for religious reasons, and I could never imagine any of them doing something like this and they’re of an age where it might be less surprising (20s & 30s). My dad wants to confront the neighbors about it and make it clear they feel disrespected but my mom is hesitant because they are the only non-Christian and PoC family on their street and speak English with a strong accent and she has otherwise enjoyed the close knit community feel of their neighborhood after moving from a town that was less welcoming. My take is that if you can’t enjoy an event without alcohol you should decline the invitation instead of acting like this. Are we off base here? My parents asked me for advice on how to handle this because they assumed I had dealt with it before, but I honestly haven’t. I’d hate to see my mom stop hosting over this, so I want to give them good advice, but I’m not sure how to handle this either.
I don’t have great advice about whether they should confront their neighbors or not. Are they sure their neighbors understand they don’t want alcohol in their home at all vs. not wanting to consume or buy it themselves?
But would they be open to hosting weekend brunches instead of evening parties? That might take care of the alcohol problem.
This is great advice. Back when I didn’t drink for religious reasons this was the solution to many a social dilemma — e.g. I had my wedding at 11 a.m. and had a fancy non-alcoholic cappucino/slushy bar at the reception.
I’m very confident they know given conversations I’ve been present for and questions the next door neighbors have asked about our faith. The other guests I give more of a pass to, as I can imagine they might not have known or forgotten and may honestly have thought this was my parents’ “workaround” for not serving alcohol themselves. But the neighbors who provided the drinks definitely know…. which is why my parents are so confused about why they would choose to do so.
Brunch is mimosa time for some people (me). Lunch or afternoon tea is where I’d be least surprised by a n/a event. Although I do think it’s childish and rude to dip out to the neighbor just to get your fix on.
I don’t drink (although it’s not for religious reasons and we will serve alcohol at parties if guests bring it) but I think these people were being incredibly disrespectful to your parents. I agree with you, if you really cannot endure one evening without alcohol, decline the invitation. But I’m not sure confronting them is going to accomplish anything. People who behave this way aren’t going to react well to being called out. I’m sorry they’re in this situation!
Your second to last sentence is where I’m stuck in terms of advice for them. My dad wants to at least try having the conversation (maybe confront was too strong a word for me to use in my post) because he sees how much my mom loves hosting, but my mom has already said she doesn’t want to go through the work of planning and cooking only for people to be disrespectful like that. They briefly considered only inviting friends who didn’t partake in the alcohol sneaking, but they don’t like the idea of being rude by only inviting a subset of a social circle and any potential drama that could cause.
It would not be rude to make smaller guest lists in the future, at all. The folks who are coming and sneaking drinks might be happy not to be invited.
+1
I’m sorry, this stinks. I love to have a drink with friends, but I’m perfectly happy going to a party with friends where there’s no alcohol. A party can be wonderful without alcohol.I think it’s really rude and concerning to go next door for booze when attending a friend’s party.
This isn’t an awful obligatory family event where a guest is expected to put up with rude, invasive elder relatives (I have a lot of empathy for folks who want a couple of discreet drinks while they put up with comments on their weight, how they parent, etc).
Yes, I think you are a little off base. And I come from a non-drinking-for-religious-reasons-family. If your dad says something, they will probably decline most or all of your parents’ invitations moving forward. Unless they exhibited drunkeness (which you did not mention), I think having some drinks in the backyard (which I consider a mitigating factor) is pretty normal behavior. I would not say anything and engage in a little willful blindness. God will understand.
And yes, this is the best move for sure.
You think leaving an event, going to a neighbor’s house to get yourself a drink and bringing it back to the host’s party is normal?? To me, that screams alcoholic, and just seems so weird regardless of whether or not the house is dry for religious reasons. I get that there are neighborhood block party-type events where people go from house to house sampling food and booze at each place, but this sounds like it was really just OP’s parents event and to show up at someone’s house with your own food or drink you got from a neighbor’s house is soooo weird to me. I’ve never brought my own food or drink to a party unless it was a hostess gift kind of thing and it was intended for everyone to share.
fwiw, this type of casual neighborhood backyard thing? I live in a city so don’t go all that often but it doesn’t seem at all uncommon to me that people would run in and out of adjoining houses. Maybe I’m not understanding how formal of a party the OP’s parents host.
If people still do this after ‘please don’t BYOB’ is explained to them, then they’re the a$$holes for sure, though.
+100% my neighbors would totally do this but they’re all great buds with each other.
Trying to respond between calls, but my parents host gatherings of a range of size and formality. My mom just loves sharing her (delicious!) cooking with people.
Re: neighborhood backyard thing, funny you mention that because that actually came up last summer when the HOA wanted to have a 4th of July BBQ. Someone suggested my parents’ home as the back up location if it rained because they have a covered patio. My parents responded that they would be happy to host but that because they keep an alcohol free home, it might not be what others would enjoy (Not their exact words, but that’s the summary I got from my mom). Of course, not everyone in the neighborhood was privy that conversation, but the next door neighbors and a few others definitely were.
I think I said this in another comment, but the neighbors who provided the alcohol and some subset of the guests who went to their house for it and brought it back definitely knew because of previous conversations like these where it’s come up. That’s why my parents are so confused about this recent change in behavior (I did mention that maybe this has always been the case and they only noticed it recently).
I mean, if they are a bit alcoholic or daily drinkers, then they could be extremely uncomfortable if they don’t have a drink.
As you know, there are 24 hours in a day. Alcoholics often drink in private and holding off for an hour or two for a dry party is manageable by even the most profound alcoholics. I mean, most alcoholics don’t drink every hour at work, so they can hold out for a short social event. It is also easy for them to come to the event after already having drunk. There are many functional alcoholics in our society that drink in the morning before going to work.
I don’t think that means OP’s parents should cater to them. In fact, this is why you tell people things like “we keep an alcohol-free home” so they can decide how to handle it in advance for themselves without embarrassment.
Why do you think it’s your business to police what other people drink, saying that it screams alcoholic? The guests are doing what they’re accustomed to do at parties, which is having a drink (a necessary social lubricant for most) and they’re not doing it in the hosts’ faces, and they’re doing it in the backyard.
I think it’s one of those areas where everyone is compromising and I would not make too big a deal out of it unless they want to lose the friends altogether.
And I say this as a person who rarely has a drink. I just don’t put myself in a position of standing in judgment over others.
Ah, if you choose to sneak a drink under thses circumstances, you are either extremely rude and immature or an alcoholic. There is no good way to spin their behavior. Are you unable to have fun without drinking? That is really sad.
Please read my entire comment, especially about my own drinking habits, and in particular what I said about not standing in judgment of others.
Why do your parents’ friends know the neighbors? Are they all neighborhood friends? In that case I think you have to let it go.
But as someone who can be a hard drinker I think they’re being really rude.
Is she positive they know she “keeps an alcohol-free home,” as in “doesn’t want to have alcohol on her property?” I think the best thing to do is treat it as a misunderstanding, so the first move would be to say “hey, I hate to be a killjoy but we don’t permit alcohol on our property for religious reasons so we’d appreciate it if you’d leave the booze at home.” Presume good intentions, and all.
I shared in a comment above why I’m pretty confident they know, but I appreciate this language and will pass it along
I gave them the phrase “we keep an alcohol free home” because they speak English with a strong accent and were afraid that saying “no alcohol allowed on our property” would sound unnecessarily brusque/adversarial. It honestly didn’t occur to any of us that someone might parse that out to mean “well I didn’t technically bring it into your home because I drank in the backyard” even at least two of the guests did actually bring it inside their house too. Also IMO respecting the spirit of the request vs. backyard isn’t the house itself letter of the law type of interpretation feels like a weird way to treat a friend’s invitation.
To me, “we keep an alcohol free home” means just that – we personally don’t keep alcohol in the house. It does not at all imply others can’t drink in the house, or that doing so would be offensive. I think this is a big case of miscommunication.
+1 I keep an alcohol free home, but have no issue with others bring their own. If your parents’ neighbors are familiar with why they keep an alcohol free home or their religion, it may not have occurred to them that “alcohol free” means none at all vs we don’t have it.
I agree with you, and I’d be giving your parents’ neighbor hard side-eye. Why would they be prepared to help your parents’ guests go behind their backs like that?
Honestly though, I would not go to a party who had such strict rules about my own behavior as an adult, especially for religious reasons (that’s me – I refuse to let other peoples’ wild religions impact me). If your parents are not willing to even have alcohol in their backyard they’re just going to ave to accept their parties will dwindle.
Honestly, I probably wouldn’t go either, and I don’t really drink much. I’d be uncomfortable after being scolded, and would look for other people to socialize with. I don’t enjoy religious intolerance of any flavor.
I agree. Almost every family get together has alcohol. Dinner it’s wine and brunch it’s mimosas. If I was really close with someone and knew of their religious requirements, I would respect it but if I’m not that close with the person and they didn’t allow me to enjoy a glass of wine or a beer at an outdoor BBQ type event, I’d rather stay home. I want to let loose and socialize and enjoy myself with a glass or two. I understand your family’s preference but I think they will alienate themselves if they try to enforce a strict no alcohol on my property type rule.
Maybe I will be an outlier here, but I think part of being a good host means catering to your guests. I have plenty of friends who are vegetarians, but if they host a party where we’re grilling, for example, they will still say “BYO meat” and everyone will grill what they want – veggie dogs, hot dogs, burgers, etc. It would be very odd to go to a vegetarians house who then imposed that diet/restriction on others.
I’m not religious, so maybe I’m being insensitive. But I think it’s one thing to respect your parents religious beliefs (i.e. not force them or pressure them to drink or provide booze) and another thing entirely to impose your parents’ religious beliefs on others. That being said, I am guessing these people have no idea how much they’ve offended your parents and would probably feel bad if it was brought to their attention. But I do think the gatherings would become smaller/much less close knit if your parents say something.
Tbh this is my approach too. I know it’s probably uncommon, but I think hosting an evening gathering with no alcohol permitted on the premises would be out of the norm bordering on uncomfortable for guests
Lol. No. I’m Muslim and no I don’t do BYOB just because it’d cater to my guests. My guests know there will not be alcohol, nor can they crack open any alcohol they bring and if that bothers them, they can decline. And while we’re at it, guests’ dogs aren’t invited into my home either even if that hurts guests’ feelings.
OP as for your parents – it sounds like all these friends are neighbors or live in the neighborhood right? I’d tread lightly for that reason alone, as your parents aren’t looking to move over this nor do they likely want the discomfort of losing all their friends over this and then still have to see them as they’re coming and going. Honestly I’d just pull back on hosting altogether rather than discuss. Or if I had to host I’d host only something like – come over for cake and coffee at 4 pm or it’s x religious holiday, we’re doing an open house – bc for that type of holiday you can say very clearly sorry no alcohol on the property.
If most of your friends drink and you don’t allow alcohol on the property, then I doubt a lot of casual acquaintances or neighbors will join very often. If that’s the case, then just let someone else host.
I think religion is very different than preference. The religious Jews I know who keep Kosher don’t serve treif food in their homes just because a guest wants it. In fact, one of my husband’s father’s cousins refused to come to our wedding because we (secular Jews who don’t keep Kosher) were getting married in Maine and lobster was one of three entree choices.
From this thread I guess I’m an outlier, but although I do love a good glass of wine, I don’t think it’s a horrible imposition on your guests to not serve alcohol. The only event where I would “expect” alcohol would be a NYE party or an evening wedding and even then I wouldn’t be upset to go without if I knew the hosts didn’t drink for religious reasons. We don’t do a lot of large group parties, usually we hang out with other couples one on one, but I would say only slightly more than half the time we go to someone’s house for dinner are we offered alcohol. We have some Muslim friends and also friends who just don’t like the taste of alcohol.
Oh no, I’m so sorry for your mom and dad. Your parents are being so kind and generous opening their homes and hosting. I don’t know if there’s a clear solution, I think the brunch is a good one, but they shouldn’t have to… I’d happily go to your mom and dad’s house for a party.
are they being so generous and kind though? they’re opening their homes only on their very specific and out-of-standard-cultural-norms terms.
I do think reasonable people can disagree about who the bad guy is here, but I lean towards the neighbors are behaving normally and its the parents who are quite out of step for their neighborhood. Not to say they aren’t lovely people! I’m sure they are.
Of course, they should continue or decline to keep hosting per their own preference, but I don’t think they are the victims many commenters are painting them out to be.
Is it that out of norm to not serve alcohol? This thread is making feel very weird but we regularly hang out with friends without being offered alcohol. Most people we know (including us) don’t have a religious issue, it’s just not seen as obligatory to have alcohol. We usually serve it when we have people over but that’s mainly because my husband hates wine and I love it, so hosting is a rare chance for me to drink wine without drinking alone which I don’t like.
Also even among drinkers there’s such a variety of what people like. As I mentioned my husband doesn’t drink wine so he rarely drinks at people’s homes even when there’s alcohol offered. Do you think people are bad hosts if they don’t have all of wine, beer and a variety of hard liquors? I just don’t see how you can accomodate everyone’s preferences on this, just like you can’t cook everyone’s favorite food.
The neighbors are literal children. If you can’t have a nice time without alcohol, you need to examine that. For real.
I agree. I think a lot of people on this board have a very strange relationship with alcohol. To me not being able to have fun without alcohol or needing it as “social lubricant” is a huge red flag that you may have a problem. I like to drink! I’ve planned entire vacations that largely revolved around alcohol (hello, wine tasting in Tuscany). I can understand wanting a drink to numb the pain if you’re being forced to hang out with cousins who won’t stop ranting about their political views you don’t share. But the idea that you’d need alcohol to have fun with people whose company you enjoy is very foreign to me.
I think they just think your parents don’t drink and so parties could be BYOB, not that they’re trying to be rude. Have your parents politely explained the reason?
I mean, they might feel like they’re being fine – not pressuring your parents to drink or to serve alcohol themselves, but that BYOB doesn’t pose an issue.
I was going to say this. My finance is sober. Out of respect for him, we don’t keep alcohol in the house (although he can be around it without an issue). I host at least 10 events a year. Guests are told to “BYO”. And whatever they don’t finish drinking, goes back out the door with them when they leave. I think your parents needs to explain that no alcohol is welcome in their home (or outside the home) for reason “XYZ” and let the chips fall where they may.
If they really thought it was BYOB then they would bring the alcohol with them, not sneak off to another house and come back with a solo cup.
First, I do find this behavior rude. With that said, until your last few sentences I assumed your parents were Southern Baptist. I’m from the rural deep south, and it is very very common at SB weddings for people to leave wedding receptions and other celebrations to drink in the parking lot. It’s not meant to be disrepectful. On the contrary, it’s kind of meant as a show of respect to the older/more devout in attendance to not flagrantly drink. And those older folks turn a blind eye. That doesn’t make it not rude, but it might be one of those things that’s just done in the community and the neighbors assume your parents don’t mind. I think your parents should definitely say something but I wouldn’t do so in a confrontational way. More of a head’s up that they actually do mind if people drink at their home.
I assumed they were Muslim?
OP described them as non-Christian and POC so this was my read as well.
Mormons also don’t have alcohol in their homes or drink at all. My parents are Mormon and generally pretty chill, but they would not like OP’s scenario at all.
I understand your parents wishes and I think deliberately leaving to get alcohol and then coming back is rude, but for most Americans the concept of an alcohol free party is really out of the norm. I know several people who don’t drink (for heakth or medication reasons, recovering alcoholics or personal choice due to alcoholism in family or they don’t tolerate it; I don’t know anyone who abstains for religious reasons), but quite every gathering, party, or get together I’ve been at in the afternoon or evening at somebody’s house has included alcohol
This must be regional. I’ve been to plenty of gatherings without alcohol.
Anon 4:27 here: Northeast Irish Catholics. There’s alcohol at everything. It would be considered rude in our circles to not provide alcohol at a party.
I see your Northeast Irish Catholics and raise you an Irish American wedding of two kids descended from SF firefighters.
Midwesterner here, and same. People would not be happy.
A lot of people’s social habits are really centered around having a special drink (not just as a drug, but something to hold on to, toast with, make small talk about), so I wonder if she could fill that need and eliminate any room for misunderstandings in one fell swoop. “We keep a completely alcohol free home for religious reasons, and we look forward to have a delicious [signature n/a drink] with you!”
eh, NAH. They’re not bringing bottles of booze to your parents’ parties. They’re sneaking to another house, and it sounds like they’re drinking it in the yard. They’re being respectful.
Your parents can choose not to host or they can accept that people from different cultures than their own are going to make their own compromises about socializing. I’d leave well enough alone. They’re not going to win this one.
So, are these neighbors invited to these parties? I can’t seem to understand why someone would allow their neighbor’s guests to just ‘nip over’ for alcohol, what would be the mindset behind that? It’s one thing that the friends are doing it (it says something about the people can’t who go one party without a drink), it’s something else entirely that the neighbor allows it to happen.
I think I would stop inviting the guests who feel the need to ‘nip over’.
Yes, the neighbors are invited as they’ve become friends over the years. It’s not a case of someone who’s not coming to the party opening their home to others just for the booze. They’re also guests and I guess either walking back to their home with those that want alcohol or handing them the house key? I don’t know the exact logistics of how they’ve done that.
I am a POC and do come from a culture where people keep meat free and/or alcohol free house. I think if this is a neighborhood type of get together mixed with friends, this is something your parents need to find a middle ground. In my religion meat and alcohol are not allowed but I understand just as that I might value my religion for myself, others might value other things and it might actually be having a drink on the weekend to socialize. I personally don’t think the neighbor are being disrespectful, they are following their social norms and have found a workable middle ground. If they plan to live in the area and want to keep these friendships, they should not say anything as long as people aren’t acting like jerks to your parents and bringing alcohol inside.
There might be an analog here to people who keep a kosher home. I do not, but I would never bring anything not-kosher to the home of those who do. And when we are doing a potluck and I am asked to bring something, we have some very explicit conversations about whether I am bringing dairy or meat or parve/neutral, including to the level of individual ingredients.
Maybe someone here who keeps a kosher home could share how they have these discussions with guests?
Somehow these two aren’t equivalent to me from a guest perspective. Anyone can enjoy kosher food so it’s not really changing people experience, where as not having alcohol does change some peoples experience.
This is interesting because when I read the kosher example, I thought it was a perfect parallel because of the religious nature of the restriction. Personally, I would find a kosher diet much more restrictive (no mixing meat dairy eliminates so many popular foods) than lack of alcohol – different perspective for different folks, I guess. Which brings me back to the underlying question of why disrespect a friend/neighbor’s religious beliefs when they are hosting a fun event? If you’re not going to have fun without alcohol, why not just RSVP no or host your own event with as much booze as you want? Why sneak alcohol into a party hosted by people who have made it clear that they’re not comfortable with it?
I am the POC from the culture that does no meat and alcohol, I also made the comment about how to me kosher and alcohol restrictions aren’t equivalent, it might be more restrictive but not equivalent because of what it means for the experience of the guest . My guess is the neighbors are all nice people who DO want to make your parents feel welcome. So they aren’t doing what they are doing to be jerks, they are coming from a place of making a compromise.
As a POC who had to work to fit into the US, I think you really have to pick your hard lines and to me personally this isn’t the one I would go with. Your parents can either see this as a grey area and keep on being part of the community or they can say something and probably get less RSVPs. Sad as it is to say thing but it is real life, your parents as POC need the community for their own safety and security more then neighbors need free meals.
I’m Jewish and I also mentioned Kosher homes above. I think it’s a good analogy. But I’m also not someone who thinks alcohol is necessary to get through an evening. I enjoy wine but the idea that I would “need” it to spend time with friends is very weird to me. If I need wine to tolerate a few hours with someone, why would I want to be friends? No one is forcing them to hangout.
If it changes the experience for you to the point that you don’t want to attend, don’t attend. It’s an invitation not a summons. It’d be like going into the home of an orthodox Jew with roast pork because that’s just what you have a hankering for and by golly it’ll change the experience for you to not have pork. Well then you stay home with your pork.
Exactly how I feel.
I find the idea of bringing non-kosher food into a gathering hosted by a family who keeps kosher to be a spot on comparison to bring alcohol into a gathering hosted by those who don’t keep alcohol for religious reasons. Both are rude and unacceptable. Signed, a gentile who drinks.
My mother brought crabmeat salad to a shiva, not realizing it was an issue. The neighbor hid it until the Rabbi left, and then everyone enjoyed it! :)
And FWIW, I have a ton of friends raised kosher. All of whom are still practicing religious Jews (as opposed to cultural Jews) and none of them keep kosher as adults so I think this is partly generational.
It is so very strange that people would sneak out of your parents’ gathering to bring back drinks! Unless these are block parties where people wander from yard to yard that seems awfully rude even without the alcohol angle.
I think there’s a good chance that many Americans genuinely aren’t familiar with the idea that it’s that much of a problem to have alcohol anywhere on your property and would just interpret your language to mean that you don’t drink or serve alcohol. They’re much more likely to be familiar with scenarios where alcohol isn’t served openly, whether for religious reasons or because someone has a drinking issue, but there’s a “secret” cooler of beer outside or in another room, and as long as it’s relatively discreet, nobody cares. If this really matters to them, I think I you need to be much more clear than just saying that you keep an alcohol free home.
Muslim poster from above and I tend to agree. I feel like in the US where there are relatively few people who are super strict in religion, people don’t get how strict religious people can really be in faiths where there are a ton of rules. And yes people know the stories of drinking in the parking lot at the wedding so they think that’s NBD because to them it’s respectful and discrete and they aren’t getting drunk.
I mean growing up my parents would let me buy school lunch on pizza day but my immigrant parents would parse the menu very carefully – even called district offices once – to make sure there would be a plain pizza offering, not just pepperoni. My mom happened to casually mention this to a friend who was like – they can pick off the pepperoni, what’s the big deal. My mom was horrified bc omg this lady just said my child should eat something that pork juices have run on. But really this lady meant no harm at all and wasn’t religious or was of a faith with much less restriction than ours and was like what – I thought you weren’t supposed to eat pork, by picking it off, your kids aren’t eating it.
Probably my last response here because we’re about to start prepping dinner, but thank you everyone for sharing your perspectives. I’m visiting my parents for my mom’s birthday, so I was able to share your responses with them in somewhat real time. This topic actually came up because I asked them why they weren’t having friends over to celebrate Mom’s birthday and they told me why and asked my advice. I tried to respond to as many folks as possible to offer clarifying details but I know I didn’t get to everyone (I definitely didn’t expect this post to garner so many comments!).
Thanks for the thoughtful replies, FWIW. I agree with people who think the phrase ‘we keep an alcohol free home’ doesn’t convey the message that ‘we not only don’t drink or serve, but don’t want you to BYOB’ — I would say something more like “this party will be alcohol free, but if you’d like to enjoy a drink beforehand at the Neighbors’ they’re happy to share their yard”? Then it removes the awkward secrecy, allows for normal American party behavior, and conveys the message kindly.
Could your parents speak quietly to the neighbor they’re closest with and have that neighbor pass the word? Borrowing from the phrasing above, “Keeping an alcohol-free home is important to us, the way keeping kosher is for some Jews. We’ve noticed some guests drinking, and it hurts our feelings. We love having everyone over and we don’t want anything to jeopardize that, but the alcohol conflicts with our religious beliefs. We’re very afraid people won’t want to come back, but our faith is important to us.” I have a feeling that this might thread the needle for your parents – they could get the word out while not worrying about being Other – and I think the party group would feel bad knowing they had upset your parents.
Based on this thread I don’t think they’d feel bad. Apparently people feel very entitled to alcohol at friend’s houses!
I’ve decided my coloring is too wacky for me to figure out on my own. Who can recommend a great color service? I have dark hair and dark eyes so I thought I was a winter, but… not sure. I look sallow in everything.
I used a House of Colour consultant whose location was convenient for me. They have centralized training so in theory should be consistent no matter which one you go to.
I follow @useless_dk on instagram. She does slow fashion and color analysis. I’m not sure but I think she will work with clients virtually.
Does anyone deal with really intrusive thoughts (e.g., anxiety, OCD, ADHD, ASD)? How do you deal with them?
Yes. The answer honestly is to ignore them and recognize them for what they are, at least for me, and for many people – a warning signal of some other unaddressed thought, often quasi related to the intrusive thought, that is causing anxiety. Claire Weekes’ books are good for this.
There was a nice article in the NYT this weekend. There were speaking about a type of these intrusive thoughts – ruminations. Not sure if that applies to you. But I would look for the article.
They are incredibly common. If you know you might have anxiety/OCD/ADHD/ASD then I would definitely talk with your doctor/therapist because there are great ways to address it. Some are just behavioral therapies and in some instances medications can be very helpful.
Just venting and shouting to the void:
I am in the middle of international relocation and while the first half [moving out] went smooth, inevitably, the second half [moving in] is one fail after another.
First, the movers’ truck got a technical issue and they will deliver all my stuff 3 days late. I can’t even prolong my hotel because there is a film festival, zero vacancies and prices skyrocketting. So I am buying a few emergency items and will rough a few nights at my otherwise empty apartment.
Registering with local authorities turned out to be a nightmare – instead of receiving registration number [vital to open a local bank account, utilities, taxes and health insurance] on the spot or in a few days, it takes 4 weeks. Luckily, my employer has a workaround for this and I can still start the job as planned.
The online stores accept mostly local means of payments [which I do not have yet as the registration card is pre-requisite to opening an account], so my choice of places to order things [think washing machine] are limited.
After I have finished all of this admin BS, I am booking a massage.
Good things: people are very friendly and quite cheerful, my period finished just before the move, local food and coffee is good, my internet/mobile plan is super cheap, and I like my new [pricy] apartment.
Please, send good vibes and positive karma to me for the next few weeks.
Thanks!
All the good vibes! Relocation is so tough and international is its own ball of wax. Don’t forget TP!
Oh gosh. That does sound like such a nightmare! Hang on! You’ll be through it soon (but not soon enough, I know!).
I feel you.
If it helps: When my family relocated internationally a few years ago, our shipment arrived 4 weeks late because it got unexpectedly held by customs. We had to buy winter clothes because we relocated in August and by the arrival of stuff in October it was very chilly. So, 3 days is not that bad…
The paperwork dependencies can indeed be terrible, but then you’ll be done hopefully in a few weeks.
Thank you! You can imagine how surprised I was to find confirmed registration in my mailbox Saturday morning!
I was reading the postpartum depression stories from this morning and was reminded of something that made a huge difference for me.
About a week after my daughter was born (she, the difficult baby who cried all day long and wouldn’t sleep for more than an hour), I got a call from a public health nurse who worked for Alameda County who asked if I would like a free home visit. I knew the service was probably not meant for me, a middle class mom, but I said yes anyway. I’m not sure why – my daughter was healthy if loud, and both of us already had excellent medical care.
The nurse showed up a few days later, and she was wonderful. She was around my mother’s age. She just felt like a warm, comforting person. She looked over my tiny daughter, pronounced her perfect, and then turned to me and asked, “And how are you doing, mom?” with such empathy that I immediately burst into tears.
She guided me into getting help for the PPD, which I did. When you’re in it, you don’t always recognize it.
I just googled and I don’t think this service exists anymore. It seems like such a simple thing for a city or county to have one employee who does this, and it could literally be lifesaving, which is why they had it, I’m sure.
I wish I had the nurse’s name. I have so much to thank her for.
<3
This service does exist for low-income moms in my area (DC area). I've read that it makes a powerful difference in mom & baby outcomes.
That sounds like an amazing service that would benefit so many families!
Thank you for sharing your story.
Do pelvic floor PTs take anyone, even if you’ve not given birth? I am childless but have been peeing a bit when I sneeze so I’m thinking I need to go get this checked out because I’m tired of it. I’m early 30s.
I don’t have a PCP yet (just switched insurances) but I guess I could find one and start there.
Of course they do! They may require a referral- most of the PTs in my area do, even if your insurance doesn’t.
I need someone to describe pelvic floor therapy. Are they all up in your business or are they just advising exercises, etc?
I’m doing pelvic floor therapy sessions. I’ve never given birth but am experiencing pain. It’s a mix of yoga like stretches, and yes internal massage with the therapist’s fingers wearing gloves and a set of “dilators” of different sizes (if you want to Google that at home.)
I did mostly stretching, external massage, and TENS, but also some internal massage toward the end. I was dealing with pain/frequent urination due to overactive pelvic floor/hip/ab muscles, so sort of the opposite issue of OP.
Yes 100%, I got a referral from my gyn.
The PF therapist in my experience was SUPER respectful, asked if I had any history of assault, explained everything she was going to do, and most of it (gentle stretching) was under a sheet. Other exercises were clothed, like specific stretches or muscle movements.